Dumb People Town - Jamar Neighbors - Jesus, Take The Snake

Episode Date: March 7, 2017

 This week, Jamar Neighbors (Keanu) is along for the ride down to Dumb People Town! The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk talk to Jamar about the origins of The Comedy Store & Comedy Central's Roast Battle.  Jamar tells the DPT crew how Cedric The Entertainer encouraged him to be a comedian, how he landed his role in Keanu, and how he quit substitute teaching. Story #1,  a woman gets her pet stuck in her gauged earlobe.Story #2 is the saga of some sword tricks gone wrong. The final Story is the tale of a woman with an unwelcome intruder in her skull. To wrap it all up, Harrison Ford leaves a voicemail about his rights as a pilot. 

Thank you. So listen to our podcast brand with co-host Armand Dan. Venture, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town. We're the Sklar Brothers. He's Dan Van Kirk. I am. We are so thrilled to have you guys joining us.

Today we have a great guest, a friend that we've made over the past year. He is a phenomenal comedian and a hilarious physical comedian. Yeah. But he's really let himself go. But he really has. I'm really upset with how you haven't been working out in like what? Jesus, Jamar. Minutes?

Introduce him, Randy. Jamar Neighbors is with us. What's happening, my man? Welcome to the show, sir. Shit, man. Chilling. Chilling. I Introduce him, Randy. Jamar Neighbors is with us. What's happening, my man? Welcome to the show, sir. Shit, man. Chilling. Chilling. I love Burbank, man.

Hey, what is not to love about Burbank? Burbank is, it's the Compton of the Valley. Yeah, man. Nah, that's actually not true. You can't even smoke out here. You can't. Like, it's illegal. You can't smoke pot?

Jeez. No, no, just cigarettes and shit, right? Is that true? I don't know. I'm not sure, but jeez. It's like, what is it, like Singapore, if there's a cigarette butt on the thing, you get caned? Is that what happens? Is that true? I don't know.

In Singapore, if you throw a piece of gum out, they cane you in front of your family. Yeah, that happened in the 90s, right? I feel like it's still going on. It's still going on. That kid's still getting caned. Oh, wow, that is harsh. Do you guys litter? No. I don't litter. Do you litter?

Stop. Do black people just litter? I litter. Why do you litter? I don't know, because I figure, like, ah, somebody might get it. Someone will get it. You could have been the somebody. Yeah. Now you gotta pick up a bunch of stuff. Well, now I know

that that's not my job, and it's somebody else's. You're trying to employ people. It's an Indian with a tear coming down the side of his face. That's not happy. You remember that? Me with a teardrop. Yeah. Just a teardrop tattoo for killing the Indian in prison.

Didn't you guys see that episode of Mad Men where they're in a park having a picnic, and they go to get up to leave, and Jon Hamm Draper just stands up, grabs the blanket they were sitting on with all the stuff, shakes it off the blanket, folds the blanket, and they go to get up to leave and Jon Hamm Draper just stands up, grabs the blanket they were sitting on with all the stuff, shakes it off the blanket, folds the blanket and they walk back to the car. Yeah, that's me. Jamar is living in 1960s in the ad world. This is like pre

anything that's ever happened to the environment. Yeah, like chicken bones and all that shit. Chicken bones? That's fine. That's biodegradable. But it's the way I do it. How do you do it? Do it at people? You look someone in the eye.

And just toss it like a mic drop. Stone cold, straight in someone's eye. You say drop the chicken like it's a mic? Drop it like it's a mic. He's like, I just did it. I just killed this out. Kill it. Drop it.

And then you're out. Well, so we got a chance to meet you through this. I'll say this is the gift that is kept giving for us. The roast battle. Our connection with the roast battle, man. Yeah. We get a chance to judge these things, and we meet all these young comedians. You guys are brilliant on there by the fucking way.

Thank you. All you guys are the rips. Okay, so this is my favorite thing. So I'm going to set it up for people who don't really, who maybe are listening to this podcast and don't know what the roast battle is. It initially started, as I understand, as two guys who are up-and-coming comedians who worked at the comedy store had beef with each other, right? Or they were young comedians who had beef with each other and they wanted to settle.

They went out into the parking lot to literally settle this thing. People gathered around to make sure no one really hurt themselves. And then they just started the pre-fight ripping on each other. But it was funny. People were laughing. Were you there that night when it all started? Yeah, I was. I didn't see that happen.

But I saw the actual battle. So did they take it upstairs and say, let's do this upstairs? Yeah, everybody started going upstairs and said let's do this upstairs yeah yeah yeah everybody started going upstairs and shit like that and I was like you know I went up there I was like oh what's going on or whatever

and these guys just start ripping it was Kenny Lyon and Josh Martin and they were ripping on each other and every time they would do it say something about each other you know I would get up

and I would just start like just being stupid because there was nothing to be taken serious everything and you would do a physical bit yeah yeah yeah i would get up and like maybe like shake my ass or some shit like that and then willie hunter would be on the other side of the room like just doing something stupid jeremiah watkins and then that's how the wave came together. So the all Negro wave, which only includes really one full black man. Yeah. Which I love.

One white guy, a mixed race guy, and you. Is to me, I will say this, is the thing that appealed the most to us. We come from like an alternative comedy background. So for us to come into, there were a bunch of things that appealed to us. Brian Moses, who hosts it. So it's two people have beef with each other. They call each other out wherever on Twitter, Facebook name in person, they say, I want to battle you. So, okay, we'll schedule it in a couple of weeks. You do your research on the person, write as many jokes as you can about that person. It's got to be creative. You can't steal material. It can't

be like your mama jokes street jokes you gotta deliver it and then you do it in front of an audience and the audience decides who beat the person in the battle but there's this wave

of the three of you guys or four really if you count Haiti when he's in there you guys get up after jokes and just it could be the most

non-sequitur thing it was so alternative I just remember someone told a joke and for no reason whatsoever, you got up there, sat in a chair, and Jeremiah Watkins rubbed cocoa butter into your feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, almost like that joke was so good, I need to now take care of myself. You know what I'm saying?

An online fan said it the best, like what the wave is. He says, you guys ever used to play Mortal Kombat? Heck yeah. You know, whoopsie. He said the wave is like the toasty for a good joke. Yeah.

Yes. It punctuates. If you bring, okay, now if you're a battler, if you're a roaster, and you bring the wave out of their seats to then want to do something, like, gay comedian nails someone. Just nails someone, and then you guys go out there and literally perform a gay wedding. Yeah, maybe a gay wedding, or maybe I'm drinking something out of somebody's, you know, it could literally be anything.

not as somebody's, you know, it could literally be anything. Honestly, you guys do such a great job. It's so funny and offbeat. And like that really roped us in. We're like, okay, this isn't just a snap show. This isn't just a, I've got a, it's not like a big dick contest. This actually is a circus that is so funny. And then when you see it live, obviously we couldn't do it on comedy central because you have to clear all that music but coach t the dj in the back is so fast he's making jokes with who

what he plays based off of things that are happening he's so fast so fast he's unbelievable he's almost like an improv comedian in there but he's got to access it faster than someone can even access words. It's insane how fast he... He did my album, America's Nigga Juan. Freecase. Which was gonna be the title of ours. I can't believe you took that, man.

Check with us. Yeah, Coach D is frickin' brilliant, and the fingers and everything. Brian Moses is fuckin' perfect host. Perfect host, and everything. Brian Moses is fucking brilliant. Perfect host. Perfect host and he has really grown as like a host.

Like I saw him on the doing it, you know, for Comedy Central and live and he is amazing at delivering material in a casual way

yet at the same time joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. I like it because it's almost like he has no he has no horse in the race. It's like,

hey man, look. I'm not rooting for anyone. I'm just like he has no horse in the race. It's like, hey, man, look. I'm not rooting for anyone. I'm just like, I want to see a good fight. But what's great about it is he isn't rooting for anyone. Like, if there's like a racist white dude and a black dude and the racist white dude had better jokes, he's going to give it to him. Yeah. And he's not going to like, as a black man, he will be like, yeah, can't argue with it. Can't argue with it.

Fair is fair. Fair is fair. And he doesn't take a day. He doesn't take a week off. I can't think of a day I'm just so happy that we got a chance to that. So for us, when we come in and judge that thing, one of my favorite things is to say a joke that gets

because we're sitting up on the side in the belly room above just literally right up above where the wave sits. So if we tell a joke that gets you guys to stand up and give us five in the back, I'm like, that was good. That was a good one. We earned it.

We're kind of doing it for them, but we're kind of doing it for you guys. Yeah, the point is to bring the wave out. You bring the wave out. And by the way, if we can get a joke that brings the wave out, that is even, then you've really scored a direct hit. Well, it's just amazing, and I love how it's caught on and all this stuff the wave out, that is even, then you've really scored a direct hit. Well, it's just amazing

and I love how it's caught on and all this stuff. I mean, it is crazy. Like, you guys got some shit on the internet. Just the web. From the TV show. From the TV show.

Were you surprised by that? What was that? I mean... What was it? What were people saying? I didn't even read the neg. Just shit like, those three guys are annoying. Hey, that's a well-crafted joke. So well-crafted. I don't get the point read the neg. Just shit like, those three guys are annoying.

Hey, that's a well-crafted joke. I don't get the point of the wave. That's self-explanatory, then. If you're saying, I don't get it, that does not speak to its quality. That just means you don't get it. That you're not advanced enough to understand it. That's the thing. People try and put meaning to everything.

You know what I'm saying? It's just like, hey, man, when they do a good joke, we come out. That's the show. That's it. It's almost like the gong show. Yeah. I mean, there were elements of the gong show that, again, Jay and I loved the gong show.

Loved how much fun was had in the gong show. So like, Gene, Gene, the dancing machine would come on and just people would start just throwing shit at him just tons of stuff being thrown i'm like they're cracking up the judges are having fun and they're laughing and just there's all these things going on i'm like that's that's what this show is and that's why it's fun and you guys in my opinion really make it fun but i'm just glad that we are a part of that world yeah i'm glad you guys are a part of it and and have had a chance to meet you. And now we're sitting here with you on this podcast, which, again, there's like a stupidity to what these stories bring out. What these stories bring out of people.

And that's why we felt like you'd be perfect for this. So let's jump into this. Because you know how to rip it and dissect it. That's right. Let's do it. This was sent in by Pat Dukes at CW2 Twitch. So he works for the CW. Oh, yeah, maybe.

CW2 Twitch sounds like a guy who wants to get into producing rap albums, but he's just like- CW Twitch. But his issues and his facial tics won't allow it. He's like a tweaker or something. And his name's already Pat Dukes, which is... By the way, this is just the guy who sent the story in. This is not part of the story. If your name is Pat Dukes,

how much of your life is just going by your last name? Dukes. What's up, bro? Guess who showed up to brunch? Dukes. Dukes here already? No, Dukes just left. Oh no, he's like

no please do not call me you can also you can almost hear the basketball clap on like playing a game Dukes Dukes

right here on top I'm wide open Dukes alright next time you're trying to convince a newly goth 17 year old not to get

their ears gauged do you guys know what gauges are no the lobes yeah yeah yeah the big get the gigantic tribal just a hole oh just a hole just a hole no people do but i think they out more right so they so you put a giant you put a small thing in and then it gets bigger and then bigger and you keep stretching i mean i've seen people with like hoops. I mean, just like huge gains. How it lasts early. Your hair looks pretty elastic.

You can train it to be. And then sometimes people, once they're done with that life, they then have to have it surgically cut and then sewed back up to just kind of be somewhat similar as to what they're used to. I'm trying to think of what you could put between it

that would be helpful in any way. I guess you rest your headphones in between. In your earlobes. A donut. Save that shit for later. That's right. Where did I? He's touching your chest.

Where did I? Oh, it's up there. It's my afternoon donut. It's in my ear. Exactly. And next time you're trying to convince a newly-glazed 17- 17 year old not to get their ears gauged, why not tell them the tale of Ashley Glaw, a Portland resident.

Of course. Of course. Ear gauges that got what stuck in them. I'm going to give you guys each an opportunity to guess. What did she get stuck? My first thought was a penis. I know that's not right. I know. It's not right. What did she get stuck in her? My first thought was a penis. But I know that's not right. I know that's not right. What did she get stuck

in her... If you had to imagine what this 17-year-old goth girl could have gotten stuck in her ears. Hubcap? A hubcap? You said like a spinning rim? Dubs. A light-up spinning rim? And there's some young black

a light up spinning rim and there's some young black guy that walks by her and be like spinners are played out yeah we did that I'm not mad that you did that

I'm just telling you wrong things too late we did it already 2005 bitch a hundred spoke rim that's my guess alright

what is it she recently became internet famous for getting her pet python lodged in her earlobe. Ooh. Her snake crawled through her earlobe. She's just a world of bad decisions. Yeah.

Apparently, Glaw and her pet snake, Bart, were just hanging out. Bart. Ironic name. So funny. As snakes and humans do. When Bart slithered his way- Hashtag white people problems. You know what I'm saying?

He threw the hole in her ear. Mm-hmm. She then put it on social media. I'm going to show you guys this picture of this girl. Oh, God. Jamar slithered his way through the hole in her ear. She then put it on social media. I'm going to show you guys this picture of this girl. Get ready, Jamar. So the snake basically banged her ear. Yeah. With his body.

Your ear got snake banged. Look at this. This girl and the snake. I can't see it. Because of the size that it gets, it's stuck in there. Jamar's up out of his seat to make sure he gets a good look. Look at that. And it's stuck in there?

Yes. You know what my favorite part is? Across her collarbones, she has the words, this too shall pass. I don't think so. Literally tattooed. Not sure. This is her own Instagram post. She wrote, by far one of the craziest life moments. Went to the emergency room. This is her on Instagram post. She wrote, by far one of the craziest life moments.

Went to the emergency room. If this is your daughter, how do you get her to clean up her room? You know what I'm saying? How do you say... I'm going to cut that snake out. Shit. I mean, how do you get her to do anything? Now? She's posting that picture.

I don't know. Go ahead. My mama would have whooped me with another snake. She would have gone to the pet store, bought another pet coat, get another snake, and then beaten you with that snake.

It is one of those moments where as a parent you're just like, dummy. You did this. You did this, dummy. She says the snake decided to get hashtag her, hashtag python, hashtag snake, I can talk, decided to hashtag get stuck in my hashtag gauged earlobe as though it's his fault. Yeah. By the way, and also when you hashtag something, it's something that you're like, I'm tapping into something larger

that other people are tweeting about. Yeah. You're the only one that is hashtag having this shit happen to you. She has 12 more hashtags in the, people who over hashtag. I hate internet talk.

Yeah? Yeah. Well, because it's like, because it's like, I want to see like the work kids are doing when they write essays and all that shit, because it's like, does that affect the way you write? I bet you it does. I'm sure it does.

I'm sure people in essays are putting hashtag. Or spelling the word you with just you. Because when we were growing up and we learned that you could do with W. Slash, yeah. But now, it's just W. Somebody will just write W in a text and be like, that's with. So I bet that's even happening in Maya. I bet people are like, in summation, I believe that we should no longer be doing this.

IMO. I bet you students are writing in my opinion. Well, I got a snake that bitch can put in her ear. Whoa! Hey! Hashtag silly snake. Hashtag gauged ears. Hashtag gauges.

Hashtag snake lover. Hashtag I'll make her wave. Hashtag uncircumcised. Then she wrote hashtag snakes like gauged ears. They don't, though. Hashtag what the fuck.

Hashtag never heard of. Hashtag never thought of. Hashtag wow. Hashtag OMG. Wait, wait. How do you know what snakes like? They don't, though. Hashtag what the fuck. Hashtag never heard of. Hashtag never thought of. Hashtag wow. Hashtag OMG. Wait, wait. How do you know what snakes like? You don't know. Like, how does anyone...

I'm talking about even someone who spends their life studying snakes. How do you know what a... The only thing a snake likes is... To eat. It's food. No, they say that they like holes. So they like going into dark places of holes, depending on the way she was sitting, the snake just thought. You don't know that.

They go into the hole for a reason. We don't know that they like it. She goes, that's fair. Yeah, it's hard getting the opinion of light. We know that they do it. But how do we know that a snake has the ability to like or dislike something? Nobody knows. Probably in the eyes.

Well, if a snake sees a mouse and it eats it, does it like the mouse? Does it like to eat mice? Yes. When we know it likes to be fed. I think it needs to eat. It needs to eat. Am I the only one that's not high? No.

What do animals like, man? How do we know what they like? I mean, just look at it, man. Yeah. Remember we saw- It's going to tell you. Snake v. Mouse. Oh, shit. This was crazy we saw- It's going to tell you. Snake v. Mouse. Oh, shit.

This was crazy. This is back in the 90s when they had videos. Sure. The videos that you could order that were animals fighting each other. So crazy shot like Discovery Channel. Oh, I think it was on the internet now. They did Snake v. Mice. Snake v. Mouse.

I bet you can find it on YouTube. What's v. Mouse? Versus. Snake versus Mouse. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Snake versus mouse. So in a battle, and the mouse, and you're like, this mouse is going to get tore up. I mean, a snake eats mice, period.

This is done. And the mouse won. And then howled at the moon. They got a shot. What? But I don't know how they got this. Was it a mouse or a rat? It was a moon. They got a shot. What? I don't know how they got this. Was it a mouse or a rat?

It was a mouse. They got a low angle shot of this field mouse howling at the moon. Really? To me, that's just great. That's planet Earth. Great fucking camera work. You know little house cats can beat up? I saw a house cat fight a cobra. Yeah.

It's like two days ago. Where? On YouTube. Oh. It took two days ago. Where? On YouTube. I love watching animal fights. For a second, I had a dream in my life that you were walking through some place in Los Angeles. I was like, is that a cobra? Is that a tabby cat? Tabby cat.

She wrote... I think her name was Ashley. Is that a coffee shop? Coffee bean and tea leaf. It is. She wrote I think her name was Ashley Is that what happened At a coffee shop What is that She wrote Coffee bean and tea leaf It is Ashley wrote Current situation

I was holding my hashtag snake I'm done with these hashtags Stop hashtag And his dumb ass Saw a hole Which just so happened To be my fucking earlobe And thought it would be

A bright idea To attempt to make it through None of this is on her guys No It's all on this dumbass snake, in her opinion. Yeah, I just put him on my shoulder, and then he saw this hole. It all happened so fast that before I even knew what was going on, it was already too late.

Now, I'm sitting here in the emergency room with Bart stuck in my fucking ear. Nobody cares about you. Like, why is she putting this out into the world? Go ahead, Jamar. She could have also, like, since snakes like hoes and shit, like, what if she was a person who slept with her mouth open? You know what I'm saying? Like, it could have been, like, way worse.

Yes. Could you imagine? You can talk. Could you imagine? A snake going down in her body. You're done. You're done if that happens. I don't know.

Or you, like, wake up and, like, pull it all the way out. Oh, no. Oh. That's true, man. You guys are going to make me sick. I don't know. Or you wake up and pull it all the way out. Oh, no. That's true, man. You guys are going to make me sick. I don't know. Turns out he was hanging on her shoulders when Ashley thought he started attacking her head. Quote, I like froze instantly, she told CNN fake news about the nightmare event. I'm joking.

It's not fake news that it's a nightmare event. Oh, yeah. Quote, if he forces his way through he's gonna split my earlobe so she's trying to get the snake to stop I just love that this woman who wanted to gauge her ears is now

concerned with taking care of her ears you know what I'm saying she is like look she's mutilated her ears which she has every right to do I have to protect my precious earlobes. What kind of people like snakes as pets, though? That's another thing.

That's a whole other situation right there. It's a person who's like. Snake person. This is a person who has a snake as a pet who's trying to gauge her ears. I mean, in order to feed the snake, you got to go get mice and you got to watch your snake kill another thing over and over and over again. That sounds pretty exciting. I know you like that. Would you not want to see a snake like eat a mouse?

Maybe once, but I don't want to. Once? I don't want to have to like consistently go out and hunt for my snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like side work. You're doing work for the stamp. Yeah. It's like fun.

I believe cats tolerate living with us. I also believe, flying in the face of our earlier conversation, that dogs do like their lives and can like living with us. Dogs like their lives. Dogs can tell you that they like their lives. Right. A snake can't. I don't know.

I've never, snake people never have their snakes where that snake wants to be. Like on the Las Vegas strip, taking pictures of people is not where that snake is supposed to be. Right. So no snake is, if it's owned, it is not where it wants to be. At least fish are so dumb. They don't even remember. It's a new memory cycle, like every 10 seconds.

Snakes definitely don't want to be around your neck. Paul F. Tompkins had a great bit years ago about how your exotic animal owner, like your pet doesn't want to run errands with you. Your lizard doesn't want to go to the post office. I do

want a snake skin vest. That's fine. That snake wants to be a vest. I'm into shit like that. Just a snake skin vest. No shirt underneath. You'd be a vest. I'm in a shit like that. Just a snake skin vest. No shirt underneath. You'd be a no shirt underneath guy. With a gold chain.

With a gold chain. Did Cedric the Entertainer wear a suit without sleeves? Did he do that? I don't know. That shit would be funny as fuck. Three piece suit. And that's a guy who's hilarious but not in the best shit

not necessarily the guy who wants to show his arms up did he do that I think he did I'm gonna look it up part of me thinks he did I'll fucks with him

if he did that I'll fucks with him period but if he did that oh here so a little known fact like such an entertainer

before I did comedy he was the first comedian that told me that I should do comedy. Really? When? Where? I was doing a play.

I'm from out here. Yeah. And he sponsored a play that I was in. Yeah. And I was riffing at like the after party and everything

like on the play and shit. He was like, you ever did comedy? That's a good answer. And I was like, nah, but I want to. He was like,

all right, well listen, give five minutes together and I'll let you have five minutes in my club. I'm giving you two weeks. And it was at the comedy union when he read it a while back. I remember the comedy union down on La Brea, right? Pico. Pico. Yeah. And I never got those five minutes together. You still haven't. Iico. Pico. Yeah. And I never got those five minutes together, but I do remember. You still haven't gotten them.

Some would say you haven't. I'm all personality now. That's great. Yeah, I do remember that. But did that help push you into it? Even though you didn't have the five minutes within two weeks? That was cool that he said. I mean, he is a really funny guy.

It was cool that he spotted it in you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He saw in you what it was. Yeah, but what'd you say? Oh, I was just going to ask. Do you credit that as part of what did spurn you into doing it?, yeah, yeah. He saw in you what it was. Yeah. But, uh, what'd you say? Oh, I was just gonna ask, like, do you credit that as part of what did spurn you into doing it? Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. When I'm like, oh man, if the king of comedy said, I better do it.

I better step to it. I'm in too deep. I can't not now. I can't not. Uh, he says, so Ashley goes, if he forces away, he's gonna split my earlobe. According to CNN, the snake wasn't attacking, but, quote, Pythons just like hiding in holes. I know that's up for debate on this show.

That snake is, I don't know who's dumber, the snake or. Yeah, that is. By the way, Pythons just like hiding in holes is the name of a porno. I know that, and I'm not even Googling it. Pythons like hiding in holes. Is that real? It should be. It should be.

If it isn't, it should be. Jamar just took his phone out. I'm going to make one. Ashley said she tried to get him out by herself, but couldn't. So she said the fire department had to come. The fire department was unable to remove Bart. So instead, Ashley said she went to the emergency room where doctors numbered her earlobe numbed

numbed her earlobe and lubed up Bart but they were unable to get the snake out of the hole maybe I am describing a porno so they lubed him up, they can't get him out of the hole so they spit on the hole then they tried to like

performed everything through a gas station then they tried to tell Performed everything Through a gas station Yep Then they tried to tell him Hey snake Think about Think about your mom Getting naked Like do whatever you can

To make yourself smaller again Eventually with the lube And a little help from Bart They were able to get her Out of the hole I thought you were going to say And a little help from Jesus Jesus take the snake

Jesus Jesus get this snake Out of my ear If you know that Snakes love holes If you know that Snakes love holes And you have holes Jesus, take the snake. Jesus, get this snake out of my ear. If you know that snakes love holes, if you know that snakes love holes, and you have holes, gigantic holes in your ear. Don't put the snake around your neck.

Do not put the snake anywhere near. She makes it seem like the snake was on the floor and then like a Jack Russell terrier jumped up into her ear. I mean, I don't know where she lives or like what her living situation is, but there, oh, you say she had it around her neck. Probably. Probably.

No, yes, she said she did, I think. Yeah, but that is... You're saying she was maybe sleeping in bed and then the thing came down. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I'm like, how many... There could be so many holes in the house. If you're going to sleep, put your snake away. Yeah.

Close the lid. Yeah. You don't tell the snake, you hit the hay whenever you feel like it, I'm going now. Don't live that life. Yeah, you make sure it's in. By the way, if you were... Bart is totally fine, by the way. Oh, that's good. If you were in an open air market

in, say, Egypt or wherever, where cobras could exist, I don't think a basket could hold a... A lid on a basket could hold a cobra in. Am I right? Those are strong snakes. Yeah, I don't know why they... Oh, but they must like the dark.

That's what it is. I get they like the dark. They stay in there because they like the dark. By the way, so you're saying that they like music more than they like the dark. Are we now figuring out what snakes like? If that's all... We're going against... I don't even know if that's true.

Listen, man. I love the dark. I don't want to be out in the sun, but I got to get up. This is my... This is my jam. This is get up. This is my jam. This is my jam. This is my jam. Oh, shit.

When you're drunk at a wedding. I got to hit the dance floor. I got to go. When you're drunk at a wedding and your friend's telling you his story, you're like, dude, I'm serious. I want to hear the end of this. I really want to hear this. But this is my song.

I got to get up. This is my jam. I got to go. We will definitely continue this conversation. I got to go pull a hamstring. That's my jam. Pull a hamstring. That's my jam. Pull a hamstring. All right, guys.

One segment down. Jamar Neighbors, Dumb People Town. Stick around. We'll be right back. It's hilarious. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. I got to say, I was super excited when I saw you in Keanu. I thought you were fantastic in that movie. You were fantastic in that movie. Thank you, man. A lot of fun stuff to do, and those guys are friends of ours. Did they know of you and said, we want to put you in this? Did you audition for it? How did that work out?

I met Jordan once at al madrigal's house oh nice and um i knew chelsea peretti and chelsea peretti uh i think told jordan um i'm surprised no one's ever put him in a movie yeah and then she was like you could be that you could be that guy and then but i auditioned and got that shit fair and square. By the way, that's not fair and square. What you just described isn't like

not fair and square because they had to have seen you and liked you. You earned that rep. Yeah, exactly. You didn't even get that recommendation.

That happens, by the way, all the time, too. People who are friends or people who know people go, hey, I got something that I think you'd be right for in this thing. And by the way, that's the beauty of being in L.A.

And I say this to people all the time. Yes, you can get work in New York for sure. But when you're in L.A. And you're out doing it a lot. You perform a lot. People are like, oh, yeah, this guy would be great for this. We're trying to figure out who to put in this thing. And then, boom, there you are.

Yeah. And you delivered. You were really funny. Was it really fun on that set? It was. I mean, it was exactly how you think. It was like the guys are fucking brilliant. I really connected with all those motherfuckers.

It was fucking, I don't know. It was just dope. It's great. Can I tell you that I played for my daughters, nine and 11 years old. I finally, I played for them the East,

the Key and Peel East West, like them introducing the football players. Oh yeah. Ridiculous. Javante. Hey. Scrubble,

misgrubble. Yeah. Dwayne Showerhandle. This is my favorite. It's Osmotez Buckshank. Just great stuff. And then I play them as substitute teacher.

And this is how much I love ISA. I love those guys and I love my kids. Like, love those guys so much they made me love my kids even more than I love my kids. So my daughter, my oldest daughter,

is like, okay, you be all that. I'm going to be Mr. Garvey. You be all of them. And like, she wanted me to be all the other kids in the thing. And so she could do this.

She could do Keegan's as Mr. Garvey. And it was the fact that it inspired them to want to watch it again and then learn it. And then just do it. I was like, Oh my God, we used to do that shit all the time with Eddie Murphy.

The next day after a Saturday night live, when we we're at Sunday school with a bunch of other Jews. We're just literally doing every single one of his lines. I was like, this is it? That's it? The substitute teacher isn't the one where he farted? No, the substitute teacher is the one where he's like, I'm Mr. Garvey. I've been teaching in the inner city for 20 years, so don't try and mess with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's take some roll now, okay? Jake Wellen. Jake Wellen. Jake Wellen, where you at? She's like, Jacqueline, oh, I see. You want to play. It's like so funny because I kept on thinking about every aspect of why that's funny. You have a substitute teacher.

A substitute teacher walks into any situation and just wants to get on top of that situation. I used to substitute teach. Did you really? Where? At an LA Unified school. Holy shit. I can't imagine you were my kid's teacher. Did you just curse all the time?

I was actually like the opposite of who I am. I was really stern and serious. Good. You had to be. You need to be. But then once the real me start coming out when i started being like a little silly a little loose that's when they took over yeah yeah they took over at that point they sense it smell it and then you're out i walked out i i

did so this is how i quit that job i uh the kids it was after lunch and um county food makes kids like hyper yeah and shit it's, it's not good food. And so they came back with all this energy and shit. They weren't listening to me. They weren't listening to me. I was trying to get them to play improv games and all this shit. Wow. And they just weren't listening.

So I was like, you know what? Fuck this. And then it was like, what? And I was like, I'm gone. And I was like, fuck this shit like i'm gone and i was like fuck this shit and i got my backpack or whatever and then um i walked to the bus stop because i went driving are you serious they were like mr neighbor you hear little girls talking about some uh uh see what you did you made him quit like it's so funny because now I realize because now I understand

like what I what I what I put teachers through like when I was a kid and I was like oh fuck you got her from the other side she started calling

making apologies to people yeah yeah I'm sorry Miss Po fuck I was terrible back in the day were you guys good in school

we were alright you're good I had fun I had one home ec teacher in seventh grade that I hated, Mrs. Frank. She was terrible.

And she, I remember on Halloween, wore like a gorilla mask. And she wore it and that was her mask. She was a regular teacher. She wore that mask for the first,

I don't know, 25 minutes of class. But then it got too hot for her to like speak and teach she's gonna be funny she took the mask off and when she took it off i screamed oh that's funny as fuck and she sent me to the prison and i was like no you don't treat me like shit i got comedy in my blood did that say kill like city i remember and i you walked out i was in trouble and they called they called our parents shit. I got comedy in my blood. Did that shit kill? It killed. Destroyed. Crushed city. I remember,

and I just- You walked out? I was in trouble and they called our parents. Yeah, I walked out. Someone in the background was like,

see what you made him do? See what you made him do? See what you made him quit? Yo, no, I went there and I just remember telling our dad

what happened and he laughed. He laughed and I was like, sorry, sometimes you gotta go for the joke all right you got another story all right yeah let's do one let's do one sent in by bill k at ill bill k manchester new hampshire a woman is facing charges after she injured herself with a sword jesus she injured herself with a sword. Jesus. She injured

herself with a sword and struck an officer in the face. Manchester police were called Monday night to the home on Massabessic Street where resident Linda Bunker told them that she was performing sword tricks earlier in the evening and accidentally

hit herself in the head causing a small cut over her eye. Jamal, get ready to get up because you're going to want to come look at this. The mugshot of this woman. Post cut. Post cut. Yes. Post slash.

Nose and forehead. She looks like whatever that bad guy's name was in Ghostbusters 2. Okay. Remember that guy on the painting? Yes. Yeah. Look at this woman. She is ready to kill somebody.

Tilt it down. Tilt it down a little. Oh, Yes. Look at this woman. She is ready to kill somebody. Tilt it down. Tilt it down a little. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That's a woman who shouldn't own a sword. That's a woman that shouldn't watch any kids. By the way, there's more than one cut. Which means she kept going.

She kept going. I'm saying she hit herself once. I'm good. I'm good. I can do this. But what's the trick she's doing with it? Lisa, you have cut yourself on the nose. I am finishing my routine, David.

Did you say she assaulted an officer? Yeah, she punched a cop. We'll get into that, too. Like after she did it? Yeah. Yeah. Cops were probably called over. Yes.

Wait, so cops were called over because she's doing sword tricks. She's doing sword tricks and hurting herself. Also, let's not skip over Lisa Bunker. Lisa Bunker. To me, that name means she has to speak about herself in the third person a lot. Yeah. Let me tell you what Lisa Bunker's not going to do. Lisa Bunker is a self-taught swordsman.

Have you ever held a sword before in your life? Them motherfuckers are heavy. Heavy? So I don't know how- A rapier broadsword, depends. Yeah, she probably just picked it up and it hit her in the face. Swordsman. Have you ever held a sword before in your life? Them motherfuckers are heavy. Heavy? Yeah. So I don't know how- Rapier, broadsword, depends. Yeah, she probably just picked it up and it hit her in the face. Yes. God, why are you messing with a sword?

This woman should not be- Also indoors. Indoors tells me this is a woman who does not mind messing up stuff in her house. Whoever called the cops is a snitch. That's true. Who called the cops? Who called the cops? And normally you would say snitches get stitches, but in this situation, it's Lisa Bunker who

needs the stitches. She stitched herself. She stitched herself. 51-year-old woman doing sword tricks. She should know better. 51. Doing sword tricks. There's how many things in life have you given up on if you're 51 doing sword tricks?

By the time you're 51, you should know your lane. Know what you do well and keep doing it. Oh, I make a good banana bread. Then you keep doing it. I know how to ride a bike. Great. Go ride your bike 27 miles a day. But Mr. Neighbors, I'm going to ask you.

You go to your friend's house in the living room and they say, hang tight right there. Sit where you are. I'm going to do some sword tricks for you. Do you stay seated where you are? Yeah. You do. Yeah. See, I'll watch from the kitchen.

Whatever sword tricks my dumb friend is going to do. No, I'm good over here. Let me get some distance. I'm good over here. Cross my legs, light up a blunt. Let's see what this guy can do. Let's see where life takes us. But this seems like someone

who's trying out something new. That they, like this isn't something you pick up at 50. If you are doing sword work, you should not be improvising. It should be a thing you've done since you were six.

Now keep that woman's image in your head. And as I tell you the next part. What were you going to say, Jamar? Oh, like she was just one of those people who just lived by that like, it's never too late to learn. Like she used to type that,

she used to type that like, go back to college and take a sword class. What are you trying to get? I'm Lisa Bunker. Lisa Bunker is 51 years old. And Lisa Bunker will do what Lisa Bunker wants to do. If Lisa Bunker starts practicing with the sword right now,

by the time I'm 61, I'll have 10 years of experience. How many people around her have been like, you don't have to yell, I'm standing right next to you. Today is the first day of the rest of Lisa Bunker's life. To do what with that skill? Yeah, what is it? Exactly. Has she ever in her nightgown,

laid in a bed, thrown back the covers and told somebody to get in this bunker. Why don't you come get this? Why don't you come crawl inside this bunker? Hitler wasn't the only dude who got into a bunker.

Get over here. I'm going to protect you. Her much younger ex-husband tried to take the sword from her so she didn't injure herself anymore. That's a good guy. Well, after the third laceration to somebody's face. By the way, that is a brave motherfucker.

You guys have said good and brave, and I have not finished this sentence. What's much younger? We're going to play a game where you guys get to try and guess how old this ex-husband is after I tell you more stuff about him. Let's get a little more info about him. Bunker's much younger ex-husband tried to take the sword. I said tried and you've already called him good? And brave.

Maybe I'll give you brave, but behind every hero is a fool. If you fail, you're a fool. That's right. He tried to take the sword from Lisa Bunker. She put it in his shoulder so she didn't injure herself further but ended up

cutting himself on both hands. He tried to grab it? Yeah. Mr. Neighbors, I'm so happy with you right now. Ding, ding, ding. He tried to grab around it. Or, wait, did he go

The old samurai I'm a clown And then bend that shit And then bend it That's like a Seagal move Is that a real move That's a real Steven Seagal

That's like a Kill Bill move Steven Seagal Like two kicks to the face Coming down at you Snap Two front kicks While you're holding the sword You thought

You were like He tried to grab it He tried to catch it Can we just And he tries to grab the sword. And then she just. Get out. Come on. Come on.

Get off. Get off my guard. You can't catch it. How, okay, how would you get that sword out of her hand? Just get two couch pillows and try and put it around her. I open a bush light and I set that on the table. And knowing she's going to have to go for one or the other. All right, Lisa.

Lisa Bunker. I put this bush light on the table. It's all yours. It's all yours if you just put that sword down. Right. And she's got a decision to make. So he ends up cutting himself on both hands, which he probably then yelled at her, what did you do?

Even though he entered this scenario. He got in the thunderdome with her. What did you do, Lisa? Right. While an officer was... So I imagine that's when the cops came because it just jumps and says, while an officer was talking to Lisa Bunker,

this is my favorite part. So imagine now the cops are here. Yeah. Sword has been removed from the woman's hands her ex-husband we haven't even touched on that why is he there

he's her ex-husband yeah and he's just she's doing sword tricks for her the younger guy yeah which we haven't even guessed

how old he is we haven't guessed his age has it been on wasn't on valentine's it is in our hearts in our hearts it's on valentine's she's trying to win him back

with some sword tricks okay while the officer so she's hurt herself bleeding from her head It is in our hearts. It's in our hearts. She's trying to win him back with some sword tricks. Okay. While the officer, so she's hurt herself, bleeding from her head and face. Hurt her ex-husband. Hurt her ex-husband. His hands are screwed. Which is kind of on him. Yeah.

Okay. The cops are now there. While the officer was talking to Lisa Bunker, she started to demonstrate her sword tricks again, even though she was no longer holding a sword. At which point she... Let me show you what I was doing. Lisa Bunker is going to show you what you were doing. No, Lisa Bunker is going to show you what you were doing.

No one here needs to see what you were doing. I did it like this, and then I did it like this. At which point... And then I was pointing over here. She struck the officer in the face with her hands during the demonstration. All right, so it wasn't like, I'm going to punch you because I'm mad at you. Yeah, but was she trying to get away with one? This story should fuel the Black Lives Matter story.

Every black person is like, a white woman punched an officer in the face and she's alive to tell it. white woman punched an officer in the face and she's alive to tell it i was gonna say i think it's so funny when people actually like like like like hit cops like like or even run yeah yeah yeah or even just boldly like rebel against the fucking cops this is so fucking because you know she was like let me just i'm gonna show you ma'am no do not and then move out of the way i'm gonna pop in the face i cops used to give us baseball cards. They used to drive down our street where you're playing football and shit, and they used to just hand out baseball cards and shit.

That was a bad thing for our neighborhood, too. They did. They gave out football cards. Football cardinal, and they were only cards that you could get through the St. Louis Police Department. So they were like special cards. So if you had these cards, they weren't cards you could get at like T. Louis Police Department. So they were special cards. So if you had these cards,

they weren't cards you could get at Tops or anything like that. That feels like something that should come back. It should. Give kids Pokemon cards. Whatever it is. That's how you know we getting old. I know. Anytime you say something should come back,

you've reached an end. Pogs, man! Pogs. You know they should give each kid a sword. Anytime you say something should come back, you've reached an end. Pogs, man. Pogs. Pogs. You know that you give each kid a sword. And a snake. And a snake. No. Police said Bunker started to walk away.

So she hits the cop and be like, demo's done. Walks away. I'm sorry. She began swearing at them. When they tried to take her into custody, she curled up on the floor and hid her hands under her body, which to me probably seemed like a foolproof idea. My hands are under my hands. How are you going to cuff me if you can't get my hands? If I put my hands like this and lay on my stomach, put them right here, I'm good. Police eventually took her into custody, and she was checked out by paramedics.

She refused medical treatment. Lisa Munger don't need anybody's help. I'll heal myself. Taken to police headquarters. Her ex-husband was medically cleared at the scene. I'm going to ask you now, before we get to the last two sentences, how old is Lisa Bunker's ex-husband? She is 51.

You've seen her. She has an affinity for swords. Can I see her face again? Yeah. While we play the jingle, take a look at her face. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Can I see her face again? Yeah. While we play the jingle, take a look at her face. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age. How old is Lisa Bunker's ex-husband? Younger ex-husband. What do you think? That guy has to be like... I'm looking at her and I'm thinking like, at what age would I... Make that mistake? Fuck with her?

Probably now. Shit. That guy is... That guy is... 29. 29 years old. Randy Sklar. I think he's 35. 29 years old. Randy Sklar. I think he's 35.

35 years old. You said much younger, so I'm going to say he's 22. 22 years old. Lisa Bunker's ex-husband? 37 years old. Oh! Randy, nice. 13 years is a long time.

That's a chapter. That's a couple of life chapters. It's like a generation. All right. How old are you? How old are you right now? I'm 31. Nice. 13 years is a long time. That's a chapter. That's a couple of life chapters. It's like a generation. All right. How old are you? How old are you right now? I'm 31. 31.

So you have seven more years to mess with this woman. Once they had taken her to custody, the sword was found in Bunker's bedroom and placed into evidence. I don't know if that's where the demo originally took place. Yeah. That's some foreplay for getting into a bunker. But, or somebody put it back in the bedroom. Jesus.

And you saw the picture. She's cut up. She's cut up. That's a lot of facial bleeding. Let me show you what I was doing. We do not need to see what you're doing, ma'am. Let me show you what I was doing. They should put that sort of at like a Benihot, like the local Benihot.

Oh, yeah. Just up over the front with like a little plaque underneath it. So they put it in like an evidence bag? Uh-huh. Like a big ass sandwich bag? A gallon? Yeah. It has to be.

Bunker is charged with simple assault, reckless conduct, and resisting arrest. She is scheduled to be arraigned. And you know she's saying, this happened in my house. Why am I getting into it? I didn't do this out. You know what I mean? That's going to be an argument for her. Shouldn't have tried to grab it.

Your fault. If they just cut me, they wouldn't be here right now. And on some level, that's true. He did walk into the store demo. He did bring the cops into the discussion. That is why he is her ex-husband. You're dating Lisa Bunker? Damn right.

From 51st? That's her age and her address. You know you're getting old when you're like... For the 5100 block of Locust? 5150? 50 Locust Boulevard? That's an old woman, and yet she should know better.

That's the whole time. The whole time I'm thinking 51. So should he. He's 37. These stories are all about people who should know better. Yeah. That's a theme. And thank God they don't because we would never show.

These are grown ass people. Grown ass people. I wish people could have seen your physical expression that you were doing right there with your hands over your eyes. Just a cute face not wondering why. Why. Tearful. All right. Well, let's come come back we have one more story and a special voicemail we'll be back with more of dumb people town right after this with jamar neighbors stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

I want to remind people we're going to be in Cleveland at Hilarity's. It's a great comedy club. It's our first time doing it, March 9th through 11th. By the way, thank you to everyone who came out to the Chicago shows. I know we mentioned this, but we are now just back from those shows. Dan featured for us. We shot our next one-hour special.

It's going to be on CISO in July. Yeah, it was really great. At Lincoln Hall. Two sold-out shows. The audiences were incredible. The shows were exactly what we wanted to do.

Felt good. Material felt great. So I am really excited to put that together and then get that up and going. But we'll be doing Cleveland, Hilarities, March 9th through 11th. And then we'll be in Portland with Dan at Helium. Excited to put that together and then get that up and going. But we'll be doing Cleveland, Hilarities, March 9th through 11th. And then we'll be in Portland with Dan at Helium.

Excited to go back there around the 23rd through the 25th of March. And then in April, we'll be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, which is amazing. Do a live podcast, a live Dumb People Town. We're going to do the ping pong tournament that we host, the ping pong tournament. It's kind of like roast battle in a way. You guys play ping pong? We commentate. We commentate.

Three hours of ping pong in like a sold out theater. It is so silly and we always interview just the losers. What happened out there, man? Do you play? No, but I've always wondered,

do you think that Serena and Venus would be good at ping pong? Yes. Yes. Because their racket skills are just hand-eye. Hand-eye coordination.

Hand-eye coordination. They could hit... I mean, once they figured out how to hit it in a way that wasn't going to put it... The right amount of strength. That's right. So, but is it a different... But is it a different skill?

Oh, yeah. One is way more wrist. The other is like full body, full arm. They're unbelievable. The fact that Venus Williams reached a final in Wimbledon, again, to me is like, it's either really bad for women's tennis, and this

woman could like, or she's just the greatest ever. And I don't know what it is. Venus or Serena? Serena is the greatest ever, but Venus was down. She was out. I'm like, she's just focusing on fashion for a few years, and then she's like, oh yeah, now I'm back and I'm going to get into the finals of the Australian Open. Yeah, it is crazy that she can come back and do that.

Isn't it crazy that Venus was the greatest of all time and now it's my son? But like they're keeping it all in the family. Yeah. Sort of type. How crazy was their dad? Their dad was crazy. You got to have a crazy dad. You got to have a crazy dad.

If you're going to be successful kids, you got to have a crazy dad. Or no dad. Or no dad. Or no dad. No dad. Yeah. That anger. Like me. Like you. And LeBron and Barack. you gotta have a crazy day or no dad or no dad or no dad no dad you get that anger like me like you

and LeBron and Barack you did the LeBron commercial I did which was so good the LeBron Sprite commercial where they played during the and just a quick thing

like come on say the word LeBron two fatherless niggas out here just getting it in just winning Dan Van Kirk is another fatherless nigga

right there oh yeah he left oh he left you what he left Dan when you were little Dan Van Kirk is another fatherless nigga, right? Oh, yeah. He left? Oh, he left you. What? He left Dan when you were little. It happened when you were little. So he met him.

He's not coming back. He's going his own way back. No, he's not coming back. No, he's definitely not coming back. He's going to show up with Jamar's dad right here. And LeBron's dad. And LeBron's dad. All these daddies.

LeBron's dad. What are you doing here? He just showed up at the podcast. Oh, that's funny.ron's dad what are you doing here he just showed up at the podcast oh that's funny he's like I'm just here to reunite thought you wanted

to do a last story we take pain we take pain here and we try and make it better comedy equals tragedy plus time I hope so do you want to get

so famous that your dad is I mean do you know where do you know who he is or no no that's the funniest thing ever.

Who leaves a kid? Who leaves a kid? This guy. I left that. And the other part about it is like, he left because he didn't necessarily think that there was anything to gain out of being around with it. Look at what you turned out to be and look at how much great he could have gotten out of that life down the line.

Has he had he hung in there and stayed with it? So funny. My my my brother, my my older brother, his dad came back into his life like a little bit like later on. Maybe like he was like, I say it was like twenty three or some old black guy like knocks on my grandma's door and shit. And and so we got his phone number like we were fucking around or whatever we got his phone number and we were pretending to be my older brother he was just talking to his dad we were like why did you choose to come back now like that's how he talked and shit he was like all right man like i don't know that's amazing

you prank called his biological dad i'm gonna ask this guy all the questions that i don't have what would i ask what would i ask you basically have an opportunity to do this you start you turn it into a company it's called dial a dad i got this guy's number everybody who doesn't have a dad we just call him you ask him the questions you make you feel better and then they'll just feel weird so funny uh wait so is he still in his life or no no no he's out no he did he did like dip in and then back out yeah he was in there for like two weeks and left too much the army reserves yeah two weeks now if my son was grown i would i wouldn't and i left him and shit i wouldn't come back would you you don't have kids, do you? No. Are you going to have kids in your life or no? Maybe.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Well, I... Oh, you'd never leave a kid. No, I don't think I would leave a kid. I think I would be... No, I would never leave a kid.

You would never. I couldn't do it. You wouldn't because you know the other end. Did it make you who you are today? Obviously, you talk about your experiences on stage. You are very open about everything that has happened to you. To me, I think it is fascinating and honest and it's just amazing. I was telling my sister the other day, I was like, man, I just wish, because this is some real shit.

Maybe three weeks ago, I was in the car by I just wish, because this is some real shit, maybe like three weeks ago, I was in the car by myself in the gym parking lot, and I was just crying because I didn't have a dad. But that finally just hit me at that, yeah, and I was like, man, I just need a dad or somebody. And I was thinking about the roast battle, and I was like, I just need somebody to just call me and tell me like, hey, why are you wearing that skirt on TV?

Whatever, but I don't have that so you know but the other end you know it's a freedom you know there's a cool like freedom like my mama thinks it's funny cause she's a woman she thinks skirts are funny it's funny you were really funny

in the skirt I mean I'll tell you that. Skirt worked. Were you crying and saying, I can't believe I'm crying on back and lats day? Like, lats and thighs day? I don't know why I'm crying on this day. It's because I did such a good workout. No, but that is, you were great in the skirt and just with the blonde wig, just periodically fixing the hair.

I think that shit is funny. I think it is. It's still funny. It's so funny. I know, like, I know that there's like a, I know there's like a, I think,

I think Chappelle brought to like the forefront, like, you know, black people wearing skirts and all this stuff, you know, and dressing and shit, but I'm like,

I think that shit's funny. I think it's funny too. Amongst other things, normal shit too, but all goals. By the way, if you are, if it's funny to you,

do it. Yeah, yeah. That's it? I mean, that is, yes. We at this point have earned the right to keep doing things that are funny to us. Speaking of. Here we go. Sit in by Eric D. Keith at EricDKeith2.

Which makes me think EricDKeith1 was taken. Poor guy. Straight EricD. Number two. Remember earlier you said, Jamar, you said, if that snake had crawled down in her mouth, keep that idea in the pocket for this story. Oh, shit. A 42-year-old Indian woman was in deep slumber.

It was deep. Deep. It was so deep it put her butt to sleep. Deep slumber last Tuesday night. Slumber. Deep. Deep. It was so deep it put her butt to sleep. Deep slumber last Tuesday night. Slumber. Until she awoke around midnight to a, quote, tingling and crawling sensation in her right nostril. Oh!

Fuck. It woke her up. Not something going in. So it was going on for a while, and then it suddenly was enough to wake her up. Not something going in. So it was going on for a while and then it suddenly was enough to wake her up. At first the woman, named Selvie, brushed the feeling off. Just a little. Assuming she might be catching a cold.

She'd also done a lot of cocaine earlier. Earlier that night. But she soon felt something move inside her head. Nice! She spent the rest of the night in discomfort waiting for the sun to rise so she could go to the hospital.

I don't know what life's like in India but if you can, go now. Go when it happens. You're not allowed to go to a hospital when it's dark out in India. Quote, I could not explain the feeling but I was sure it was some insect, she told the Indian Express.

Whenever it moved, it gave me a burning sensation in my eyes. Oh my god! This is my nightmare! Burning sensation in her eyes, and she's like, hold up, I still gotta do this interview with the Indian Express. Let me...

Well, go ahead. Do we get... You're at a loss. Guess what the animal is? I got a story. Oh, please. So one day, me and my older brother,

we used to both live in my grandmother's house and I saw a roach crawling on this nigga's face and then I saw it go in his ear. Oh no. And I saw it come back out. No.

And then after that, he woke up and then he punched me. He punched you because he thought it was you tickling him. I was like, what did that roach tell him? What? Some secrets and shit. Are you ready to

guess what crawled inside of her head? Randy Sklar. This is India. Like a millipede. Okay. A centipede. Come on, neighbors. A, um, Like a millipede. Okay, a millipede. A centipede. To my neighbors. A great idea.

A roach. A great idea. You said a great idea. Okay, a cockroach. Spider. A spider. She spends the rest of the night in comfort. That sun comes up.

She goes to the hospital. She said it burned in my eyes. In my eyes. As dawn arrived, her son-in-law. Son-in-law. Yeah. In tow. She made him come too.

God. In tow means she drove? Yeah. She just wanted him there? By the way. He's in the backseat on an iPad just playing. No. Her son-in-law.

Son-in-law. Son-in-law. So married to her daughter. Right. So her daughter-in-law. Son-in-law. So married to her daughter. Right. So her daughter wouldn't even come. Look, he had better have sex any time he wants for the rest of that marriage if he's coming along on this one. Right. Daughter wouldn't even come.

She goes to the hospital. They visit a clinic closest to her home in the South Indian state of Tamil Nadu. She was soon referred to a second hospital. Oh, God. Where doctors suspected she was soon referred to a second hospital. Where doctors suspected she might be suffering from a nasal growth. So it might not be nothing. A nasal growth? At a third hospital.

You guys. Third hospital. Doctors recommended a scan and told her the discomfort may be coming from, quote, a foreign body that seemed to be mobile inside her head. A foreign body? That is a nice way of saying a roach went up your nose. Finally, in her fourth doctor visit at Stanley Medical College

Hospital, doctors used an endoscope to find the culprit. A blob with a pair of antennae. It was a full-grown cockroach. Oh! Yeah! What did it tell her?

Told her all sorts of shit about Jamar. Jamar told her what Jamar did do. M.N. Shankar, capital N, capital N, Shankar, the head of the ear, nose, and throat department, told the Times of India, quote, it was alive and it didn't seem to want to come out. The insect was sitting in the skull base between the eyes and close to the brain. Jesus. That is insane. Terrifying. Why does this not happen more often?

And now I'm going to sleep like this. Guys, how could you even? Doctors tried to use a suction device to remove the cockroach but the insect clung to the tissues after a 45 minute process using suction and forceps doctors were able to extract the bug still alive how big was it what does it look like does it have a picture uh it there's a sort of picture on like a video that that you play so you can sort of see it here. And I should also let everybody know, if you follow at DPT Podcast, the media and images and things that we talk about here

will always be up there. Yeah. So we tweet out original tweets, let everybody know it's here. Follow at DPT Podcast. Yeah, but by the way, follow at Jomar Neighbors on Twitter. Yeah.

At Jomar Neighbors. At Jomar Neighbors. Okay. This is insane. That thing could have laid eggs. Just sitting in the skull. Because of the critter's location. Could have laid eggs. Could have laid eggs. I like what he's thinking. Doctors had to first drag it to a place which could be extracted.

It had been lodged inside her head for 12 hours. Doctors placed the insect in a container. Its wings spread and its legs moved rapidly. Quote, if left inside, it would have died long before the patient would have developed... It would have died before long and the patient would have developed an infection

which would have spread to the brain. What if this is the beginning of like the Indian spider woman? I don't know. You know what I mean? It's like an origin story where she's like the cockroach. Shankar said this was the, quote, first such case he had seen in his three decades of practice.

They have removed other things from people's head in the past, such as leeches, houseflies, maggots. But not a cockroach, especially not one this large. Jesus. Yeah. This by no means the first time, and then it talks about so many times it happened.

They said that sometimes doctors are called upon to remove people from their ears but never so much at the base of the brain. Jamar's breath. The graduate student's

medical report added in the following advice consider sleeping with a hat on. A hat? Over your nose? I don't know. How would that do?

Indiana Jones style, you know, like where you just drop it on over your face. You ever see a Spongebob? Oh, for sure. That krillin thing that gets, that little krill that gets inside that big ass machine. And what if that happened to her? That'd be tight.

And the cockroach starts operating her brain. Yeah, that's the type of shit. It'd be like Rat Tattooie, but. Exactly. Roach Tattooie. Roach Tattooie. Telling her what to do. and dad yeah yeah that's the type of shit it'd be like rat tattooey but exactly roach tattooey roach tattooey telling her what to do she's like suddenly

making great she's like a great chef all of a sudden like an unbelievable Indian chef hey it happens oh my god man

that's terrifying there's a story to make you think twice about what happens to you when you sleep nothing India has the has the worst

things that happen to them. Like, isn't there like a, like you go into a lake and then there's like these little things that jump up in your penis? Oh, yeah. Jay, wasn't that in- They swim into your urethra. No, South America.

Yeah, when you pee. So if you were to pee into the water, it comes, swims up the stream. Through the stream of your pee into your penis. Oh. Is that gay? No, your penis. Is that gay? No, thank you. Is that gay? I don't think, I mean, maybe if you're the same gender, I'd like it.

Speaking of crazy shit, I don't know if you heard about this, but Harrison Ford recently got in a, he got in a ton of trouble. Well, he was in a plane accident a few years ago on a golf course on a Penmar golf course on a Penmar golf course which is out west Harrison Ford would be in a plane crash

like he's flying the plane but like he's his own like he definitely thinks he can fly stuff because of the Millennium Falcon because of Han Solo because of Star Wars he's like I can fly anything

well he apparently recently just landed a plane in the taxiway of John Wayne Airport. And it upset a ton of people because there were planes just taxiing around. Like, he didn't go on a runway. He went in the taxi area. Right. Like, where they pick up normal people. Like the luggage cart is.

Jetways and people driving around. So that's where he landed it and he got in deep trouble and thankfully we have a pathway to Harrison Ford and he left us a voicemail and that he basically

is explaining what happened. So let's take a listen. Hey, Sklar brothers. It's me, Harrison Ford, star of such movies as Indiana Jones, Star Wars, and frantic Roman Polanski film, and presumed innocent. I think you know that most people should be presumed innocent. So if I want to land my plane over another plane trying to take off, guess what?

I should be allowed to do that. I was on solo. I used to fly my Millennium Falcon all over the place all the time, wherever I wanted. I would just turn to my little furry friend on the right and just say, hey, Chewie, let's fly this plane on top of that worm. That's what I did in Empire Strikes Back. I took the Millennium Falcon and I flew it right into the mouth of a worm. So I can do that. I can take my private plane and I can fly it and I can land it wherever I want and I can fly it over your plane whenever and whoever the fuck I want. So, maybe you should think twice, America, before you let a 74-year-old man with an earring who played such beloved characters as Han Solo and Indiana Jones

and the guy who took a fucking 40-foot leap off the Hoover Dam in the movie The Fugitive before you decide to tell that man he can't land his plane wherever the fuck he wants. I don't know what kind of America we live in where a 74-year-old man with an earring can land his plane or whatever, whatever the fuck he wants, but I guess that must be Trump's America. So maybe you should call your member of Congress and ask that they allow that all elderly people should be able to land their planes wherever they want. I don't know. It's not my job.

wherever they want. I don't know. It's not my job. My job is just to take my private plane and land it wherever the hell I should be able to land it. So maybe you should call your member of Congress.

Get Kamala Harris on the phone or Dianne Feinstein. You should ask them. Just say, hey, I feel like the same man who did the Parsec run and the Kessel run in 12, I don't know, some fucking nerd can answer that question for you, who did that run in 12 Parsecs,

he should be able to land his plane wherever the hell he wants. So maybe you should tell them that, and maybe I'll get back to taking my plane and landing it on wherever the hell I feel like I should be able to land my plane. And I wish one of you

Sklar brothers would like to get on my plane and dress up like Chewie and go land it on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. So why don't you guys think about that and then get back to me. All right? Bit.

Okay. Jesus. I mean, maybe he wants to go out in a glorious way. He doesn't want to just get old and fade. It's all privilege, man. It is privilege. Isn't it all privilege? He's no Travolta.

Travolta's flying 747s. Yeah, Travolta's actually doing cargo drives. Do you think Harrison Ford's just trying to get away from Calista Flockhart? He's like, whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. I'll land it on the freeway. Is that who he's dating? I don't know. She was Felicity.

Who was she? She was Allie McBeal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Years. Allie McBeal sounds like the name you would call somebody, like a typical white girl acting like a white girl. Like Johnny McSomething. Oh, look who's here.

Ally McBeal. It's like a Snickers commercial. You're being a real Lisa Bunker right now. You know what? You're being a real Ally McBeal. Eat a Snickers. Eat it! There you go. That's a show. Lisa Bunker. Shout out to Lisa Bunker. Shout out to Lisa Bunker. And the Lisa Bunkers

of this world just practicing their sword play without the swords. Keep doing it, y'all. Watch the roast battleunkers of this world, just practicing their sword play without the swords. Keep doing it, y'all. Watch the roast battle on Comedy Central's website. If you haven't seen it, you'll see Jamar be hilarious. If you see Keanu, you see Jamar smoking a blunt. Bitches. Sitting in the back of a van or what was it? And listen, you guys, come on.

What a fitting tribute to George Michael. The man passed away after this whole thing. Made me even more famous. A fan of his. Or a fan, sure. And a fan. Or a fan. Well, not really a fan.

No, but Jamar Nabors. George Michael's the shit. Thanks for joining us on the show. Thank you guys for having me. Great to have you. Of course, it was fun. Follow that Daniel Van Kirk. Follow DPT Podcast.

And please, thank you to everyone who has reviewed and rated this thing and subscribed to it. Just the more you guys review it, the more you rate it, the better that is for us. It keeps it up at the top, and we really appreciate that. And we'll see you guys next week. Dum, dum, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.