Dumb People Town - Janae Burris - Pooping In Stride

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

This week Janae Burris comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is a runner's messy accomplishment.Secure your online data TODAY by visiting ExpressVPN.com/dpt and you can get an extra three months FREE when you choose your plan. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and DUMB PEOPLE TOWN listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp dot com slash DPT. Go to HelloFresh dot com slash DPT16 and use code DPT16 for up to 16 free meals AND 3 free gifts!

Star Beans, out of here. Hey, Tatties, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Burris. Janae Burris. Hello, Janae. Welcome to Dumb People Town. Thank you. We are longtime residents, constantly reasserting our position in this town. I'm checking out the real estate.

Yes, you should. So Janae is a really good friend of ours from one of the greatest comedy scenes that exist in this country and she is at the top of it uh denver of course we're talking about you know our favorite club in the world comedy works downtown she just worked with us two days out of our three days how was the weekend we haven't even so fun oh my god sold out shows and it was the best i mean look we were competing with a lot it's covid in the air and denver's pretty conscious but i was psyched that we sold out a show the early show friday was great and then the sunday show was fantastic in terms of how it was attended

but you know janae was great she's ahead you guys are good at what you do you're pros every time i learned something every time so my favorite is that she what i loved is in the late show saturday i can't remember what it was or maybe it was sunday she's there are like great seats that if you really sell fully sell out the club that are literally kind of on the stage off to the left if you're looking out in the crowd it's off to the left and you know it can still be full in there and not sell those out and sometimes the comics will just sit in those like on the last row of that thing and it was my favorite that there were definitely a few times in there in the set when we're doing something and i would just start laughing and i just like look

over and point at her and i was like oh yeah she, she's right there. Thank God. So that was great. That was wonderful. You were fantastic. Just a great, great comic that Jay and I walked away from that weekend and we're like, she's about to get a special. She's about to do something. She's about to have a lot of comedy be written for her in her life. So we're very excited. Oh, yes. For that too. Oh, yeah. She too oh yeah bring life into this damn world uh man and so just in time for the apocalypse right just in time are you

ready for the stupidity that you're about to bring this baby into because we're gonna outline a story right now that maybe will make you say what the f did i I do? Why am I doing this? Sure. Do you guys want to jump into one? Sure. Let's do it. This is Dumb People Town. No crime committed in this one, but certainly something where you're like, yeah, of course this would happen in Dumb People Town. It was sent in by Kyle Andrews at Late

Night Nachos. Love this dude. One of my favorite handles. Just a solid handle. Just fun. I put it up there with rejected jokes all right here we go an elite runner pooped down her leg but kept going until the very end i mean guys if you want it bad enough i mean nothing gets in the way isn't there a thing like once you hit mile 20 a lot of marathon runners just lose control and they don't know that that's what's happening what what's the most you guys have run in your life have any of you done like a race or today

why are you laughing oh i do not run i took the f every time you show up to p you're like what do we do let me tell you what am i not doing today what am i not doing today taking the f um i don't know the most we've run i've done a 5k and i've done like a sprint triathlon where it's a 5k run 15k bike and then a 150 meter swim but that's like the bike would be fun if you weren't going uphill but i mean yeah it's all of it is just like it So far, it's the most I've run. Our buddy Dave Nickel, who we love, I met him at mile 10 of the LA Marathon. And he was really hurting. And I'm like, all right, I'm going to walk with you. He just had shit himself all over.

No, he wasn't there yet. Not yet. Not yet. So we ran and walked the rest of it. but we ran and why maybe i met him at mile 12 so we ran and walked about 14 miles together okay all the way to downtown la and then i realized when i got done to downtown la i had no way to get home because he was yeah so i had to like take it so you got to think about when you go for a run the run back yeah as far as you go you got to come that much all the way back that's what i you go, you got to come that much back.

You got to come all the way back. That's what I tell my daughter when we're hiking. She's like, let's keep going. I'm like, you know that we're going down right now. That means we're going to be going up at the end. Yeah, for sure. This is fun going this way. Addie Zeriner's first marathon in 2019 went so well,

she worried that she had cursed herself. The running coach and personal trainer in santa barbara felt great and qualified for the olympic trials with a time of two hours 37 minutes and 47 seconds that is that is that is that is is that fast well so so to you know so the boston marathon the famous b, you have to, this is what we realized. You have to qualify at other marathons to get into that. To get in there. And so I think for-

Four hours. No, no, no. No, it's even more. It's like 3.30. You got to go 3.30. So this woman ran it an hour faster than what you have to qualify to make it into the Boston Marathon. There's a weird thing in our culture. Do any of the three of you remember in 2005 when Puff Daddy

ran the New York City Marathon on like four weeks of training and he broke four hours? And people who in the running community were like, I don't think you guys understand how insane this is. To have like four weeks, maybe it was eight.

That thing I think is too much. To have that limited amount of training. People in the rap community are like, I can't believe Sean Puffy Combs did anything good. Oh! Ow! Every breath you take. I thought you were going to say

there must have been some Biggie residuals at the end. Oh, Come on. I know Puffy's into stamina. He talks about stamina on stage. Like, you've got to have the stamina to perform. So I believe in him. I believe he could do that.

It is insane. He trained for it. Four weeks of training, he broke four hours. So she's doing this in 237. Wild. So Puffy's accomplishment is unbelievable. 37. Wild.

So Puffy's accomplishment is unbelievable. Like most people that we know that run marathons do them in like four and a half, five hours. Which is respectable. Right. You don't know anyone who's like, I'm going to do a marathon who is anybody that we know that would do it in like three and a half hour or break four hours. So that Puffy broke that is insane. Yeah. I think.

Oh, my God. Four or five hours. I want to wake up in the next city after four or five hours you might why would you might you never know i think at the beginning of the pandemic brooks wheelan ran a marathon in la just to like see if he could do it um so when zaroner uh had a ball movement in her shorts during the californ marathon on December 5th. She was relieved and white, but here's the thing I'm going to ask you guys. How many times in the race do you think she had herself? Wow.

Include the one I just told you about. So it happened at least once. Yes. I mean, we're not getting, it has to be more than once. This is like when you see an Amish family with like seven kids, you're like, well, we know they had sex seven times. Or they picked up one or two on the way. Maybe five.

They churned the butter seven times. They churned it. They cut a hole in a sheet at least seven times. Janae, what do you think? How many times do you think this woman I have to not guess this because out of all the internet stories in the world this is one that I shared recently to motivate my friends

I was like do not quit I love that you're already familiar with it I was impressed she used this as like inspiration so this is between me and you Jay so what do you you think so by the way there is a moment and janae is heading down that road where you will be cleaning up another person's shit for a little while there's probably a moment when you're running where you're and you're just like going and

you're like i mean once you go once how many how much do you care this feels good to not have to stop and worry about that like I'm just going to go. I'm going to give over to this thing. I'm going to say she did it four times. Four times total. I'm going to say she did it ten times. Ten times total. Yeah, ten times.

What do you have left in you to go ten times? Come on, man. I didn't say all of them were gigantic. I mean... Oh, no. Addie crapped herself a total of three times. All right. I was in the wheelhouse. All right.. All right. I was in the wheelhouse.

Okay, good. I was in the outhouse, Dan. I don't want to skip over the fact of how good of a friend Janae is that she is sending other people in her life motivational stories to say, hey, when you're doing something and it gets shitty, deal with it and just keep going. Because once you're used to that shit, You can take it. Don't stop. She's literally saying

Jenea is like don't stop. How many times have we been on stage and essentially figuratively taking a shit going going. She said I'm quote. I'm finally having the true marathon experience. She thought Addie went

on to finish the 26.2 mile race with soiled legs and shoes. Now, we're going to take a guess. Who is giving her the Myla rap at the end? I mean, if you have to clean this woman off. The 3,133 women. What place do you think that she got? Janae, do you remember? I don't remember.

What place do you think she got got? Janae, do you remember? I don't remember. What place do you think she got? Two and a half hours. If she saved a lot of time by pooping while she ran, pooping in stride. Sure. Pooping in stride is probably the title of this episode. She broke wind, but she never broke stride. I'm going to say the poop slowed her down just a little bit so probably third place

yeah jay what do you think out of 3 000 women yeah god uh pooping pooping to stand still sounds like a u2 song um let me see i think it's i think she came in like 150th 150th i think she came in 24th place. 24th, okay. Right now, we should mention that if you're a member of our Patreon and you're at the right level, you can join in us. We always just open it up some of these once a month. We say, hey, we're doing a Friday episode. Feel free to join the Zoom and join us.

So you can make your guess right now. Guess in the chat. Guess in the chat. Here we go. Oh, I'm looking at the chat. I see a first from Ashley. First place. At least number two, right? You would at least go with that.

Come on. Look at my background. I'm here at clown chuckles. All right. Eighth place, Matt. Okay. All right. Eighth place, Matthew. Eighth. Okay. All right. She finished in 30th place.

Whoa. Whoa. Man. That was close. Yeah. By the way, it's amazing. Also, we're just over 10 minutes into this episode, and you guys have not made a breaking away joke yet. I have not made a breaking away.

There you go. How about breaking bad? Yeah. There you go. Jeez. So, yeah. she finished in 30th place. This was probably my proudest finish ever, Addie says, who posted a graphic photo of her race. Dan, that's more of a photo dump.

There you go. There it is. Photo dump, marathon pics. She says, everyone who ordered the mushroom pasta at their pre-race dinner got sick. Way to throw the mushroom pasta under the bus. Under the bus. Yeah, for sure. Come on.

It's not the mushroom pasta's fault. It's your inability to process it. But Zerner, Addie Zerner, who also ordered the dish, she wasn't one of those people who got sick at first. She felt so healthy and energized that when the urge to go struck her at what mile? How far into the race do you think she got before she was like, oh, this is happening? Yeah. I mean. Janae, you are a guest.

What's the total miles? 26.2. Oh my God. 26.2. Three times. What miles? Three times. She had to be at least 10 miles in before she said,

you know what? I'm going to poop right here. Right. You couldn't, you couldn't do it in the first mile. First mile. It's like, let me run to the bathroom real quick.

That's right. That's right. Okay. I'm with you. I think it came later too. I say half a mile That's right. That's right. I'm with you. I think it came later, too. Is it a half a mile, a 12, and a 10 mile, a five mile? I'd say mile 15. 15.

That's her first dump. 15, 22, 25. Yeah, no, I think it came later. I think it came at mile 19, because you start to lose the ability to like. So then you're saying in the next seven, she shits herself two more times. Yes. That's right. That's right.

Once you release, unclench, then it's like you cannot hold the others back. It's like a can of Pringles. Once you pop, you just can't stop. It's like Black Friday at Walmart. You open up those doors and just everything's coming out. Everything's coming in and everything's coming out. Someone's getting trampled.

All right, well, we're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to find out what mile this shit show started. Literally. There you go. And then before we do that, though, Janay's going to tell us everything that she's up to, where people can follow her and find out any dates she has coming up, plus all the stuff we have going on.

We'll be right back after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Uncle People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got the great Janae Burris with us. Janae, tell people how they can follow you. I know you're in a play right now, so maybe people in the Denver area can come support that.

But let people know how they can get up on your stuff. Yeah. I have a website,anae burris.com that's easy but you can also follow me on instagram and uh twitter at negative negro the r is in the middle guys so that is not racist no no my favorite thing is that you made jeff tice the whitest guy in the world when he was hosting, introduce your Twitter handle. Can you please introduce my Twitter handle and Instagram handle?

And Jeff was like, no. I will not say, looking like I look, will not say the words negative Negro on a stage in front of people. And you still made him do it. That was a power move. Of course. It felt like a hate crime when Jeff said it. It does.

I chose the handle, so I have to take some responsibility for that. He got a little bit whiter when he said it. He did. He did. Every time I do a podcast and say that, then I update my dates on my calendar. So now it's happening. Now you've got to update them. And what's the play?

When's that out? The play? I'm in Dontrell Who Kissed the Sea at the Aurora Fox. If you're in the Colorado, Denver area, that opens tomorrow. And then I'm starring in one right after. Like rehearsals start like next week for the next play. And it's called Hurricane Diane, and Diane on the lead in that one. So you know what?

Come to that one. Oh, my God. For sure. I'm so proud of you. I mean, such a good stand-up. Again, if you are in Denver or catching someone in Denver and you get the pleasure and the good fortune of getting a chance to see her do her stuff,

you're just going to be like, she's a pro. This woman is amazing. And I want you to put your stuff together and submit it because I do believe your stuff is good enough for a special right now. Absolutely. Absolutely. At least even in the stand-ups, like a 30-minute special for Netflix or whatnot.

You guys, all of you who are listening right now and all of our special Patreon fans who are in this Zoom, you're going to be saying, oh, yeah, I remember when we saw her in that intimate setting, and now she's blowing up huge. Thank you. That's my take on that for sure. All right.

Daniel, real quick for us. Daniel, go to danielvankirk.com to see all of his dates. I'll be at Houston in the middle of February. Local shows at the end of February. Tour starts back up in March. Everything's at danielvCurk.com as well as a lot of other fun shows. And then Moon Tower was just announced. So I will be

at Moon Tower doing stand-up and a live Dumb People Town with these two guys. That's right. It's going to be great. And we are Superschoolers.com for all of our dates. Patreon.com slash Schooler Brothers for new episodes of Cheaper Seats and Get Ready for the Nosebleeds, our show that's coming out on UFC, which is the the cheap seats reboot we've been working on it dan's

been writing on it it's dan how much fun have we had in the last couple weeks it's just great pure joy yeah and i love the sport too so it's it's a yeah it's really cool actually for us to learn so much about ufc that we've been fans of but we are now like digging way into its history we may know as many as diehard fans. As many things about the early beginnings of UFC when this is all said and done as the diehards. So it's really been cool. So be on the lookout for that.

All right, now when we left, Dan. Here we go. We said, what mile did this first shit hit? And Janae said 10. Jason said 15. I said 19. And I saw guesses of half a mile, five miles. Jason said 15. I said 19. And I saw guesses of half a mile, five miles. Half a mile.

I know. Mile 12. The first time that Addy had to let it run while running was mile marker seven. Oh, Janae. You're in it, but you're still going uphill. You have not. It's not.

You're still in the first half. This is bad. This is a bad sign. Yes. And that means you're going to have shit on you for 20 minutes. This is going to be a long day. Addie said she didn't want to spoil her pace by stopping at a porta potty. She said I had to spoil

everyone else's pace around her quote. I was in your shoes all of it quote. I was like, okay, just let it come. Addie who had never had digestive issues on race day told insider. I didn't know it was going to be so much

Addie kept running a sub six minute mile pace. Unreal rider. I didn't know it was going to be so much. Addie kept running a sub six minute mile pace unreal a pace for a personal record. She's got twenty month twenty one miles with dirty shorts and legs, and then she let it come two more times. So whichever one of you guess that it's a lot at the end, you're right. It's a lot of the two more at like starting at twenty one miles. She's not sure if other runners noticed. I'm going to go on a limb and say they noticed. But no one congratulated me

after the race. That's so weird. I don't understand why no one would come near me after I finished. No one would give me a mile of rep. Everybody kept telling me I was the shit. I don't think anybody noticed. I want to know how many times the first second third all the people who won before her how many times did they poop so that so this is kind of a common thing and you you do at a certain point you can lose i mean she's saying it's from the mushroom pasta but i do think like so my

question is why haven't they developed for marathon runners i'm not saying a diaper i'm saying underwear that keeps it holds it in that has like that keeps it probably do have that or just wear a diaper i wonder if there's like i'm gonna find out the name why get wild the night before with just just pasta and butter. Plain pasta. Which is wonderful. Plain pasta. White cream of mushroom. Yes. Yeah, let's not get wild here. Dan, you're like my kids.

Just plain pasta. I mean, everyone's wild. It's good. A little black pepper, a little butter, a little maybe some garlic. I would assume you clear your bowels in the morning, like first thing in the morning. All I can have is a little, I don't know. I don't run at all, so I don't know. What do y'all eat?

No, you're right. A little Power Bar bar or something? Water? You're right. You're right. You're right. I guess goop. It's the same thing coming in as it is going out.

There you go. No one would notice that. So like she said, she's not sure if other runners notice. We disagree. But afterwards, she learned that people thought it was brown athletic tape while others thought it was blood or dirt from a fall so she had she could have played it off she could have played yeah i fell into a field of shit at mile 21 eddie's air in his legs felt like they gained 50 pounds each she said forcing her to slow down

but she was too close to quit this is why your friend jenna sends you this to keep going that's right she says quote i'm not going to drop out with shit all over me. And you know what? I agree because you've already shit yourself. That's right. Now you're not going to finish the race and have shit. If you're going to worst thing has already happened. The worst thing has already happened. Yes. She says

I'm going to finish with shit all over me. That's the quote. When Addie crossed the finish line, a teammate's wife, this is someone you know, you have a friend, Melissa Guillen came to the rescue. Guillen wrapped Addie in a post-marathon foil blanket and guided her to

a restaurant bathroom and then the hotel to clean up. Cut to this restaurant host being like, ma'am, ma'am, you cannot take it outside. Ma'am, back ma'am. We are a Bennigans, and we are barely holding on. We cannot. This is getting

us shut down. Even the moose on the wall wearing sunglasses does not want to look at this. Get out. Get the F out of here. This isn't a Carl's Jr. Get the F out of here. What do you think Carl's Jr. Get the F out of here.

Who do you think you are? I mean, and then going through a hotel lobby, at least that you do have to do, but still, those people, right? I mean, can you imagine what you, can you just imagine, I'm saying if you don't shit yourself what you smell like after a marathon. Sure. A lot of toxins have been expelled. Janae, take the way you're going to smell after you deliver and deliver your baby.

Okay. Now imagine running 26.2 miles while you're doing that. Oh, God. Can't do that. No. I am so sensitive to smells. Just the talk of it is like, oh. Sorry, girl. Sorry, girl.

Sorry. Oh. Yeah. Everybody smelled her. Everybody smelled. Human feces smell so awful. I understand it was an unreal situation, but you should never be going to a restaurant bathroom to clean up.

Try to figure out something else if you can. If they went to the hotel, I think it was close enough. Anyway. I would just stand far away from her and get one of those like uh purell refills and just like throw it on her yeah just throw it on her like you're throwing paint on a fur coat and you're like protesting i'm walking the streets of sacramento pantsless shoeless and with crap all over my legs so like a lot. So like a lot of people exactly. I don't know if you've been to segment.

Cut to the Golden State Killer and he's like, where were you 40 years ago? The outreach of support and respect I've gotten from people has been overwhelming. She said I was brought to tears. One man even messaged her to say he's inspired to start running despite the GI issues that had long been holding him back.

To which I go, okay, hold on, hold on. This isn't like a promotion for shitting your pants. It's a story about overcoming that. It's not like she wanted to do that. It's not like she was like, so I go running to shit myself. So I wrote a book called IBS, UBS, We All BS. Meanwhile, yeah, Dan, there's like a guy who just totally misses the point.

He's like, so you're saying I should shit all over myself and then run the marathon. No, no, no. Let me see if I got this straight. Sir, start the marathon in the toilet and then just keep running. You have a lot of coffee before... Nope. The article says here, it makes sense that this happens since pounding the pavement for hours, jostles your organs and shuttles blood away from the digestive tract toward your legs.

Yep. They also say then there is also the early start time that can prevent some racers from fully relieving themselves before the gun goes off. Exactly what you said, Janae. Race day jitters don't help either. All right, we'll get out of here on this, my friends. If you're a Patreon member, though, you're in luck because Janae is, I believe, hopefully we can say this to her. She's going to tell us a dumb story from her own life,

either something she did that was dumb or witnessed that was dumb or was a victim of dumb. Any short little story in her life that she already knows. But we'll get to that after this, because I will now ask you, how old do you think Addie Zerner was in 2019 when this took place? What age is a person running marathons? Can't control their balls. Old shit leg.

Said, I'm going to do it. Then thinks, you know what? I'll just go into this restaurant and clean myself up before I go to the hotel. Yeah, she's in her 20s. That's right. I'll just go into this restaurant and give it a C rating. Give me a specific number, Janae. 26 when you're at your full confidence.

You can do anything. You can say no to any man. I'm going to say, I agree, young. I'm going to say, I agree, Young. I'm going to say 28. 28? Okay. I think she's 33. Okay.

I saw 44. I saw 34. I saw 47. 47. 44. I'm not running at 44. I love when our townies are here to guess who it is. Okay.

We'll get out of here on this. Follow Jene Burrus at, you say it. I'm not Jeff Townsend. No, I'll get out of here on this. Follow Janae Burrus at... You say it. I'm not Jeff Toney. No, I was so hoping you would say it. At Negative Negro. At Negative Negro. Yes! And if you're in the Detroit area, or Detroit area, in the Denver area, please go see her. You can follow the Sklars at Pessimistic

Jews. Facts. Yeah, go see her in her play. The next one that she's going to be following Dan at Whitey Herzog just kidding the Aurora Fox theater go check her out at that the next play

what's the next play called Hurricane Diane which is the story of Dan's mom we'll take it okay what was everybody's guesses again run it down for me 26 28 me and Randy said 33 will take it. Okay, what was everybody's guesses again? Run it down for me. So, Jenea's 26. 28, me, and Randy said

33. In 2019, Addie Zerner, we'll get out of here in this, was 23 years old. Oh! Which means she's 26 today. You win either way. Yes, Jenea. It's all

the same to me. 23, 26, 28. That's all the same age. Yeah, exactly. I love it. J'Nai gets the final word and get the right answer. Please follow her. If you're in Denver, go watch her. We love you guys.

And Patreon fans, you're going to get a great story with us and her. And oh, shit, we have to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.