Dumb People Town - Jason Nash - Machete & A Michelada

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Comedian Jason Nash is back (Jason's YT) as Jason (Sklar) explains why a Florida man is worried about his reputation after pulling a gun on an Uber driver, Randy describes how a stranger was caught pooping on a neighbor's porch, and Daniel warns against robbing a bank and waiting just outside for them to bring you the money, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Mint Mobile! To get your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MINTMOBILE.com/DPT. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of Hope so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes shoes, the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast band With co-host, Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down.

Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Guys, I love a great deal as much as the next guy or gal. And I love it too. But I'm not gonna crawl through a bed of hot coals or lay down and listen to Motley Crue play a new album of songs just to save a few bucks. It's gotta be easy.

No hoops, no BS. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless at $15 a month with the purchase of a three month plan. We called them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month. The longest part of the process was the time we spent on hold waiting to break up with the old provider.

That's on them, by the way. That is on them. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash dpt. That's mintmobile.com slash DPT. That's mintmobile.com slash DPT. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash DPT.

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population Nash. Nashie. What's up, Jason Nash, dude. I'm so happy you're here. What's up Jason Nash dude. I'm so happy you're here. We just did your amazing podcast. We'll talk about that and how people can follow that

in a little bit. But Nashie, we got dumb stories to cover. I love it, I love it. Let's jump in right away. I feel dumb as hell. Hey, no we're all dumb. You are not. Nash you like to say that you're dumb,

but you're so smart. You're so smart. No, no, no, no, no, no. My little brain, I have the tiniest, smallest brain and it gets dumber every day. How do you have a Sonic Columbia? That's like. Ma, the wife.

The wife's, the wife's. She got those. I don't know. The ex-wife, the ex-wife. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Cut it out. Ex-wife, ex-wife, ex-wife. Wife at the time.

We'll fix that in post. Uh, well, ex are in post. All right, here we go. This is sent in by Matthew Freeman at Not Your Average Matt. Thanks, Matt. Florida man whines about his ruined reputation after pulling gun on Uber driver. So let's start with the headline.

They're making a judgment about this guy. When you say he's whining about something, yeah. Fair. I mean, you're- But if you are at any level complaining about your reputation, this is like when your kid, or in my case, nephews, say to you, I'm mad that you're... But if you are at any level complaining about your reputation, this is like when your kid, or in my case, nephews, say to you,

I'm mad that you're mad at me. Yeah. Like, well I'm disappointed that you're disappointed in me. You can't do that. No, because they're trying to shift the argument into a different area. Different area, brilliant. Like, children, teenagers, should prep politicians

for debates. Because like, you know what I mean? Like your kids, your daughter can win a debate with you because she shifts it in a way that you're like, wait, why are we now fighting about this? Right, well kids are grounded more in morals than we are. So like, you know, when your kid, I remember like driving with my kids when they were little

and I would pull into a handicap spot for a second and they'd be like, whoa, what are you doing? What, no, you're mad! And they'd be like, I'm just here for a second, if somebody comes, I'll move. And they're like, no, no, you can't do it! You know? Can I ask you, this brings up a good thing.

Have you ever taken a dump in a, or peed in a handicap spot? Hold on, that's what my question is. I need a ruling on this. This is my ruling on the disabled accessible handicap stall. Handicapable. Every single person can use it. However, if someone with a disability

comes into the bathroom, they are next in line for that stall. They're first in line. Where are you reading this? That's my personal rule. That's your take. But what if they really have to go and you're in it and the other one is empty?

You can't leave it empty for no one. You just have to give priority to once someone is in that room. And if you've been in there for a while, someone can knock on the door and be like, someone needs it. Oh, you can knock on any door. Anywhere, in any place, too long, someone has a right to knock. All right. Someone needs it.

I've knocked on so many airplane bathrooms and then switched to the other bathroom. This is my first album, remember? Yeah. Yeah. That's the response. Yeah, there's a man in here. Go away now.

I've got my own business. Find your business. I've become an old Midwestern man. Go away. So he's whining because he pulled a gun on an Uber driver. Yeah, how dare you besmirch my reputation? Well, you know he's gonna be like, he deserved it.

No Uber driver deserves a gun being pulled on them. And especially, unless he threw a knife back at you. Well, let's find out, it is Florida. Police in Milton, Florida arrested a man after he pulled a gun on at you Find out it is, Florida police in Milton, Florida Arrested a man after he pulled a gun and an uber driver earlier this week who was dropping his daughter off wait what oh? Wait the uber driver is dropping his daughter off. Yes, that's not acceptable So so Dan's in the back as a passenger you're the driver Yeah, and you've got your you've got your daughter with you and Dan puts like. No, no, no.

The guy who's pulled the gun's daughter was being dropped off by an Uber driver at his house. Oh. And he pulled a gun out. Oh. This is gonna be a who's the asshole kind of thing. Oh. Okay, Sean Hollenbeck.

Holler back at me, Hollenbeck. I love a good, you know I love. This my shit. Holler guys, they can be name then. Sean Hollenbeck. Holler back at me, Hollenbeck. I love a good, you know I love. This my shit. Holler guys, that could be nine dan. Sean Hollenbeck get like this. And Sean Hollenbeck, boy. I ain't no Hollenbeck, boy. I'll have two eggs over easy with Hollenbeck sauce.

Okay. Right on the side. On the side now. Here at Hollenbeck farm. What are you guys making at Hollenbeck farm? We pull guns on all the animals. All right, so Sean Hollenbeck forced the driver out of the car and onto the ground.

Whoa. And has since been charged with false imprisonment and aggravated assault with a weapon. WEAR news reports. Where? Yeah, WEAR. It's also W-ear. That's true too.

W-ear. Listen for us, WEAR. W-wherear. That's true too. W-Ear. Listen for us, W-E-A-R. W-where? No, W-E-A-R. Keep your ear to the ground, it's W-E-A-R. After pulling him out of the car, Hollenbeck reportedly forced the driver to lie down in the roadway, show his driver's license so he could photograph it, and allow him

to photograph his license plate, his Uber account, and the address where he picked up Hollenbeck's dog. You know there was a moment where he's like, lay down flat on the driveway, he's like, show me a moment where he's like, lay down flat on the driveway. He's like, show me your license. He's like, can I reach into my pocket? Don't reach into your pocket! He's dead, he got too far.

He's like, I've never done this before. I don't know how to. So the daughter's probably texting him something about the ride. This guy's been rude. He drove crazy. Inappropriate maybe. Inappropriate.

As parents of daughters, all three of us, we will at once, I feel like sympathize with this guy and also be like bro. I know. Yeah. As it turned out the how old let's let's guess how old the daughter is right now. How old daughter taking an Uber to dad's twelve sixteen. That's a good guess. Twelve sixteen. I'm gonna go nine. Well, explore it out. I'm gonna say fifteen. Get your get your answers in. One of you is one year off.

Do you guys wanna go up or down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go down 14. I'll go to eight. I'll go to 11. 11. This one goes to 11. Please go to 11.

Here it is, 13 years old. Oh! Yeah, she went the wrong way. All right, Mitzvah age. As it turned out, the 13 year old snuck out of the house Saturday night and took an Uber to Pensacola about 30 minutes away. What?

When he discovered she'd snuck out, he reportedly called both the Santa Rosa County and Escambia County Sheriff's Offices, but didn't get much help from either department. So when she got back home, he made the only logical decision and pulled a gun on the completely innocent Uber driver. Whoever's writing this article

is fully judging the scenario. So here's the deal. If someone kidnapped your kid, and I know the panic that was in his mind, they're probably not gonna bring him back. No! They're not gonna drop him off at home. And they're certainly not, after they drop him off,

say leave me a good review. Five stars. Five stars for the kidnap. All right, as far as my kidnapping goes, how do I rate me well? It is quite a gamble though, when you send your daughter in an Uber. But he is bad.

She snuck out. She snuck out. I know, but I'm just saying in general, like. Oh yeah. You're already panicked. You're on pizza needles. Oh, you're following that ride. You're following it the whole way.

This girl. So was he calling her? She has to have a phone, because she ordered the Uber. So he was probably calling her, and way. This girl. So was he calling her? She has to have a phone, because she ordered the Uber. So he was probably calling her and she wasn't answering. So he's starting to panic. What's she doing in Pensacola?

At 13, what are you doing in Pensacola? Nothing good. Nothing good can be happening in Pensacola. Nothing good happens in Pensacola at five in the afternoon. Yeah. I wonder if the daughter made a fake body in her bed. I'm sure.

Bunch of pillows. Full of autotress. And the dad checked a fake body in her bed. I'm sure. Bunch of pillows. Full alcatraz. And the dad checked a couple times. Yeah. And he was like. She's asleep. I think she's sleeping soundly. Love you kiddo, love you.

She doesn't have, she's sleeping. Wait a minute. She doesn't tell you. The poster of Rita Hayworth on the wall. Right, open the poster and go through. Oh my God. That little girl crawled through 20 yards of shit that night.

And got into an Uber. Yeah. With tiny Andy Dufresne. It's not entirely clear, but also can we start, go back to how this person who's, this person is judging this guy pretty harshly. Like. Yeah, but why, but we don't,

to me, based on what they've written, apart from the, uh. He did the only logical decision and pulled the gun on the completely innocent the he did the only logical decision and pulled the gun on the complete why is that a logical decision because he's making fun of it he's being sarcastic oh yes well he should be he's being sarcastic what does the uber driver have to do with your daughter's line so they're just picking people up and taking people home right but he doesn't know that so he thinks I you kidnapped my daughter and then you just

brought her back why would you do that but he was like sitting then also, isn't, she's probably in the back seat. Right, right. Who's she like running away with that she's going back seat, they're going front seat? She's going to Pensacola to be with a boy who's probably like 18, who are, or 15. Or hopefully, maybe, let's just, a friend who moved away.

Okay, fine. And she doesn't want her dad to know, first of all, sneaking out of the house and going 30 minutes away, that's a bad kid. I'm sorry. Yeah. Unless it's LA, because they went a mile. Right.

It's true. Where is he? He's next door. No, dude, that's a bad kid. Like, your kids wouldn't do this. My kids wouldn't do this. Sneaking out at 13. Sneaking out at 13. But also let's say, if your dad is willy nilly

pulling guns on people, maybe you do want to get out of that house. That's right. Facts, facts. Yeah, it comes back to the parents. So Jay's on the side, or Dan's on the side of the author. Of the newspaper author, writer, or newspaper author. Author.

OK, it's not entirely clear what kind of gun Hollenbeck used. A real one. WER News said it was a.22 rifle, but Fox 35 Orlando reports it was actually an AR-15. What? So now they're in a fight? Yeah. Fox and WEAR? Fox bumped it up to an AR-15. They did. Long guns, crazy. Either one could be deadly at close range. Thanks. No shit. Good reporting. Sarcastic news. Hang on a minute. Also, either one can be deadly at long range.

Yeah. A rifle or an AR. Doesn't matter the range. And then here's what they added. And having a gun pointed in your face is going to make for a bad day. Just don't put your English on everything. Don't put your English on your English.

I would love to meet who wrote this. Because right now I'm thinking it's like, bring your kid to work. I think it's a friend of the Uber driver who's like, I'll ride in our car. Or an enemy of the dad. Or a friend in Pensacola sticking up for their best friend who moved away.

Right. Okay here we go. If you assumed Hollenbeck would have seen the error of his ways after his arrest and being fired from his job though, you couldn't possibly be more wrong. He is doubling down. Of course he is.

Insisting that he did everything right. Quote, that vehicle was completely unmarked. though you couldn't possibly be more wrong. He is doubling down. Of course he is. Insisting that he did everything right. Quote, that vehicle was completely unmarked. In my mind, this was not good, right? And he told them the air to, everybody knows what's going on in this country with fentanyl and child trafficking and rape. It's terrible stuff.

He's not wrong. No, you gotta be worried about stuff. You're like, understand that this is a guy who woke up kid not there. Yeah. Yeah. Started to panic. Like what he probably should have said there is with everything that's going on in the country. Put yourself in my shoes. Looked in the room. No kid there. I went a little crazy. You had a lot of credit like false imprisonment. It's not like he's being charged with pulling a gun on someone and they drove away and they called the cops There's I am assuming there's ample

Time in this for the uber driver to go dude. I don't know what you're talking. What could he have done? I'm not listening to that big English. Maybe hey, what if he's holding the gun not pointing the gun holding the gun? So who the who the F for you? That's enough. Who are you? That's enough. Who are you? That's enough. Who are you? But he's not, he's saying get on the ground. I know, but I'm saying tell me who you are right now. To my daughter, get in the house.

Tell me who you are right now. Or to the daughter, who is this? This is my Uber driver. Yes! End of story. First of all, if the kid's released easily, then you know it's not, because he didn't force him back.

I don't know if we're going to find this out, but make your call right now. Is there a mom on the porch? Oh. Because we haven't heard from her in a long time. I don't know if there's a mom in the picture. That's what I'm saying. I don't know.

A mom would calm him down a little. All right. He also really wants people to know that he's a veteran saying, I serve. Oh, there we go. How many years. Love a good false equivalency. How many years as an army doctor.

Love a good false equivalency. As an army doctor? Yeah, how many years did he serve as an army doctor? Oh my God. Six. Six. 18. 31 years.

Wow. Dude, relax. I trained as a Navy flight surgeon. That has nothing to do with this. I served with the 7th Special Forces Group. Unless you're a PTSD. I served with the 160th, I served six tours. That of course only makes it.

Amazing. Thank you for your service. You know what that is? That is he was never on the front lines. Right. He of course only makes. Amazing. Thank you for your service. You know what that is? That is he was never on the front lines. Right. He was an army doctor. Right. So he had it.

He was trying to get some the entire time. This is him now. He had a taste for it. He wanted some live. And now he's acting out being like. He wants some live action. Yeah, yeah. Live fire.

He never got the real action. So this is now he's bringing it to you. This is, he was in MASH. Yes, he was in MASH. He's Hawkeye. He's Hawkeye. And thank you for your service. Thank you Hawkeye. He's Hawkeye. And thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service. I'm gonna have a clinger. Well, you know who's not gonna thank him for his service? The journalists of this article. That, of course, only makes things worse since he's not some Yoko who's never been taught the rules of firearm safety or when it's appropriate to pull a gun on someone.

Quote, the vast majority of this story has not been presented to the public whatsoever and the vast majority of this is related to parental rights to the public whatsoever, and the vast majority of this is related to parental rights, he said, later adding, in this country, you're innocent until proven guilty. If it goes to trial, I look forward to it, because I want to get 12 moms and dads on that jury

and ask the judge if what I did was fair, because I called for law enforcement and I didn't get them. So, he did call for law enforcement. But I guess law enforcement was like, we don't know if your kid just snuck out or not, which the kid did. Yeah, their law enforcement was right.

Yeah. They have to be missing for 24 hours before they can do anything. Yeah. Or just some sort of like concrete, like. Evidence of removal. We know a broken window or something like that. That's right.

Forced entry, things like that. Also, whose account is the Uber affiliated with? Because if it's hers, she doesn't have a bank account, so somebody's still in charge, or whoever Ubered her to Pensacola and back. I think that might be it. Yeah. The other person.

Probably. Maybe she doesn't have a phone, all right, here we go. Something tells us the jury will probably see things differently, but it is Florida, so you never know. Wow, this guy's taking pot shots at Florida. Wow, the supporter of all states taking pot shots at Florida. Of all states, taking pot shots at Florida? Come on. I don't see any shenanigans happening.

Not our light on the hill. Maybe they'll decide it actually isn't illegal to pull a gun on your daughter's Uber driver. Crazier things have happened in the past. This is, in my opinion, the guy who went way too far. Yes. You're talking about the reporter. Yes. I'm sick of his shit, the guy who went way too far. He's talking about the reporter. Yes, I'm sick of his shit.

And I'm sick of his language. I mean, look, I don't know. This is as standard. But isn't this less than you guys have all taught your kids when they lose a game? At some point, maybe it wasn't your kid, or you saw it with another kid, you're like, yes, you have a right to be upset.

You just don't get to act like that. Don't act like that? So this guy. Are you in the right to be what the fuck is, where's my daughter? 100%. Do you get to go that hard in the yard? Went too hard in the paint?

No. Went too hard in the paint. You cannot do that. I think you can even come out yelling at the guy. And I'm okay with that. I'm even okay with him holding the gun. But if you're an Uber, do you know, maybe you guys have done it, I don't know.

But a lot of people Uber their kids around places. Totally, and if you're an Uber, do you know? Not pointing. Maybe you guys have done it, I don't know. But a lot of people Uber their kids around places. Totally, and if you're an Uber driver, you're like, I'm the Uber driver, I'm the Uber driver, I'm the Uber driver, she ordered me the Uber, go check it on my thing, I can show you my, that's all you're saying the entire time. Maybe they don't have Uber, maybe they don't use it at all. Yeah. Fair, fair.

But if a kid gets in and is like, who are you, is like, oh, for whatever, I'm going home to see my dad. You're like, okay, well, get in then. Everything matches up. Yeah, well, so this kid, don't sneak out of the house, people. Yes, starts with the kid. I guess people used to sneak out of their houses a lot.

All the time. All the time, yeah. Yes, of course. And that was kind of what people just did. But then like the Golden State Killer came along and it's like all that's over. Just like 9-11 came along and you gotta take your shoes off now at the airport.

It takes one bad actor. It's like the camping rule or hiking rule. Do whatever you want, but you need to be able to leave some evidence as to where you were going. Yeah. So like if you sneak out and you need to be able to leave some evidence as to where you were going. Yeah. So like, if you sneak out and you do the bad thing with the whatever, if they pull back the blanket and they see you're gone, they know you're gone.

So you might as well leave a note as to where you went. Because you got found out anyway. So then at least, if something ever goes wrong, they knew where you were headed. You can make it fun, you could put a pen in a Coca-Cola. Where am I? Yes. Pensicola. There you go. put a pen in a Coca-Cola. Where am I? Yes. Pensicola.

There you go. Pencil-cola. Pepsi-cola. Pencil-cola. All right, Randy's got that story number one. Story number one down the books! I'm not mad, I'm mad at everybody in that story. All right, when we come back,

we're gonna find out about Nash's podcast that we were on, start with our episode, dig back. Ways to support him and follow him, he's putting out all this great content. Amazing stuff, and we'll let you know, Daniel, you tell us your, or no, we'll tell you what we're up to

and how you can support us and come see us. We have some big, big shows coming up that we love, Jeff. It's Dumb People Town with Jason Nash. We'll be right back. Yeah. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show.

Before we jump into story number two, and before we get into how you can support Jason Nash, our wonderful guest, we got a couple of things. So again, this is the timing, when this is gonna drop. I will say this, we have a huge show in Michigan. Ann Arbor, Michigan at the Michigan Theater. It's huge. 1,400 seats.

Come on. Huge. So we don't want 200 people in there. That's on September 27th, Friday night, 8 p.m. The show's gonna be super fun. Stealing Sclarz. Stealing Sclarz, stealing signs. What do you guys do when you go to Michigan?

That's your alma mater. So my daughter's there, she's a sophomore. So she'll fill it up. I don't know if she can fill it up, but it's. You'll be surprised. So it's alumni weekend, and it's like parents weekend, family weekend, and alumni weekend. And all those people that went through that run,

they love you guys. Yeah, and I would say, you know what you're doing on Saturday, you're going to the game. Friday night, come see us! We got your plan, if you're sitting there, what are we gonna do? A little comedy pep rally. Yeah!

It's gonna be fun, so that's Friday night, and you can go to superschoolers.com and get the tickets. I don't know, we've known each other for over 12 years. I've still never been to Ann Arbor with you guys. Oh my god. Dan, you should talk. I've never been to the big house. I've never gone to a game that Michigan's gonna play

and watch their further science. Dan, let's talk off air and see if you wanna come do this. Someday, yeah. If not this one, we gotta figure it out. We gotta figure it out. Michigan have a good team this year? Yes, they have a good team. Their first game was okay.

They showed some cracks. They have a tough game against Texas this game was okay. They didn't they showed some cracks They have a tough game against Texas this week We played Texas who's amazing and I love that you're doing the show before the game because if God forbid they lose in a heartbreaker I want to go see they're playing Minnesota. They should do yeah, of course But I'm just saying do the energy be a part of the energy Yeah Like that also trying to be if I were if I were an alumni or alumnus, or I am, but if I were like going to something

or my kids were at the school, okay, let's say you went to and you're like, all right, we know what we're doing on Saturday. You go to visit Wyatt and you're like, I know what we're doing Saturday, but you're like, wait a minute, there's this cool thing going on on Friday night? Let's do that.

So we hope that kind of happens. That's at superscores.com. Superscities.com. And then we're going to Vegas for the first time. You are? Okay. I'm trying to get you to talk about born identity. So you're going to Vegas. Where in Vegas? Wise Guys? I love Keith. Do you know Wise Guys? Did you ever do that?

I've done it in Utah. Utah's great. They just open in Vegas. What weekend are you doing that? So we're doing October 15th, 16th around there. Whatever that Friday, Saturday night is. Oh, that would be like the, well, 13th. No, it's the next one. The weekend after that?

So 18th, 19th I think. Maybe I'll come watch a set. Hey now. We're very excited about that. Are you gonna be there? Reason to go to Vegas. It's four hours. Come.

And then, oh geez. Is that multiple nights or just one night? Two nights. Two nights. Two nights, four shows. Friday and Saturday. Friday and Saturday night, we're really excited. And then November gonna be the flyover comedy festival.

First we're gonna be at Fort Collins, then the flyover comedy festival in St. Louis. Comedy fort, first weekend in November. Daniel's gonna be at the flyover festival. Here's the deal. Saturday. Saturday night, we're doing our show at the Sheldon, and then I think your show might be after that.

Doesn't have a difference to me. And we'll figure it out, but it's gonna be all, come join all of us for that. We'll get into that later. SuperSclives.com for all that stuff, and then we're doing the live, our two-man show called The Bourne Identity over at the Lyric Hyperion three times in December, and hopefully with hopes

of that going off to Broadway. That's the one that you guys told me about. That's more like a two man show. Like a Burbiglia style Alex Edelman. And when is that? So that's in December, December 9th. In LA. 12th, yeah, 9th, 12th and 16th.

It's a small theater so hopefully those will sell. So we just did Jay's amazing podcast. It was so much fun, I loved it. All Good Things podcast. All Good Things, this is all things comedy. He's got all good things. It is such a amazing podcast. It was so much fun, I loved it. All good things podcast. All good things. This is all things comedy. He's got all good things. It is such a fun podcast.

I've been sort of going through it and obviously we follow you on social media and I love every clip because it's one part silly, fun sort of craziness and then also really cool process-y stuff about how people get where they are. And I love your curiosity with people. It's such a great project. Thank you.

I like when you guys are on, like you guys talked about, I just think specifics are so great. Totally. So like to hear you guys be on Better Call Saul, right? Like that to me is so interesting. Like what happened, how it went down. How did they film it, yeah. And you guys going into a show

that's like Emmy nominated like that. And your story from Curb was so good. He's the audition. And so, and then I loved the, I love the story about your dad. I mean, that was probably my favorite. Just they came in and they talked about their dad, the Ozzie Smith story.

I'm sure you know it. But I hadn't heard it. Well it was fun because it was a bit, but we kind of got into the real nuts and bolts of what the bit came out of. The reality, which is a real life story, which is, you know, I mean, when you sort of dig into real things,

it's kind of the best. You can hang your hat on the meat of what that is. It's why Dan's such a good standup because he's just a great storyteller, raconteur of real stuff that actually happens. And then within it he hangs all these jokes along the way, which is what's... We had Jamie Kennedy on Friday

and it's crazy what he's done. Oh my God. I mean, you can go forever. He told the craziest story about he was gonna be a rapper for one of the pranks. And so they changed his skin color. And he was supposed to open for Three 6 Mafia. And so he told the whole story of how it went down.

And it's like, I don't know, I love people like that. I love people that have kind of been to the top and getting that vantage point. Dane Cook was on, amazing. Dane Cook's been to the pinnacle. Did you get him to be real on there? So real. That's amazing.

He told me about his, he didn't talk about the brother. He didn't want to talk about that, which I get, but he told me about his mom passing. Yeah, and dad. And he did it in a funny way. And you're just like, and just that vantage point, that's what I love. I love it. It's so good, and people can follow you on social media.

Yup, I'm on social media. At Jason Ash. Yup, yup, it's if you have Instagram or there's something called TikTok, there's YouTube. You do live stuff that's so fun and interesting too that people can jump on and watch. I do live streams, yeah, live streams. Which are great, I'll pop in on those.

Yes, I love it. It's so fun, people like challenge you and shit, which I streams, yeah, live streams. Which are great. I'll pop in on those. Yes, I love it. It's so fun. People like challenge you and shit, which I love. They kinda challenge Jason. We talked about it, but you might do my show. You're going up more around town. Yep, I had a set the other night. I'm gonna have you on my show too.

Okay, great. I love it. Great, come do Tag It. Come do Tag It. I'm gonna jump in this story. Totally do Tag It. Oh, Tag It, yeah. You're doing Tag It on that Friday night

in St. Louis too, right? I have no idea, but sure. If you're in town, you're invited. I, tag it, yeah. You're doing tag it on that Friday night in St. Louis too, right? I have no idea, but sure. If you're in town, you're invited. I might have a different set. All right, late. Well, we'll get you on. Late. Timing out perfectly.

All right, this is story number two sent in by Carleen McDermott at She Be Carleen. Here's the headline, I'll give it to you right now. Stranger Caught Pooping on Man's Doorstep. This is happening more and more now, you guys. It just is. You're supposed to go into the bag, bag to the doorstep.

Right. Oh yeah, that's what it's supposed to do. He missed a step. You gotta go in your bag. He hit the steps and missed a step. You don't go farm to table on porch poop. You don't go straight from the source. You don't go farm to doorstep.

Yeah, it's gotta be packaged and shipped. Thank you. This, what happens in here, the interaction because- How much do you hate somebody to physically go poop on their porch? How much are you enraged at someone that you think that's the process? Or it's totally random.

You gotta go. But why on the porch? Why on the porch? If it's random, you're in the bushes. Right, you're not putting that out on the porch, right Nash? Okay, you ready for this? Yeah, you definitely. If putting that out on the porch, right Nash? Okay, you ready for this? Yeah, you definitely. I have someone pooped to my porch, I just be like, okay.

Well, if you have a ring camera, you'd be like, thank you for the content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No idea how much I'm gonna make on this reel, thanks to you. That's really funny. Coming home from a night out ended with a bewildering encounter at the front door.

Oh, he watched it. For one Melbourne man after claiming to have walked. Oh, it's Australia? This isn't even, I can't believe this made the news. It's like, if it's Australia, like, and then she was eaten by a spider. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The news would be like, did you die?

And you'd be like, no, I'm too completely alive. Did a bat getcha? Well, if you don't even die. Did you punch a kangaroo? If nothing tried to kill you, what are we even talking about here? Did a bat get you? All right, so come home from night out

and a bewildering encounter at the front door for one Melbourne man, after claiming to have walked in on a half-naked young woman, propped up on the ground, defecating on the doorstep, an act apparently more common than one may think. Oh, God. Lynette Nemo, who goes by-

He found Nemo. There we go. He didn't want to. He wanted to lose Nemo. Another great story from Australia. Losing Nemo. Lynette Nemo, who goes by Nettie, says she could not believe her ears.

So both of her names sound like a fish. Right. Yeah, that's what- Nettie and. Yeah, that's what caught Nemo. Was a netty. Yeah, Nemo got caught in the netty. So who goes by netty says she could not believe her ears when her husband, Aza, came back to their home in Q around what time on Saturday and told her

he'd just encountered a random girl doing the biggest poop he'd ever seen on the front door of their car. Whoa. What time? 1 a.m. What do you think? 3 a.m.

What's the time for an old fashioned elephant porch dump? Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go, because originally we all thought one in the morning, right, but now he's running back from the house. He was already out, right? I'm gonna go 8 p.m. 8 p.m.?!

Aaron, what do you think? What do you think, buddy? Oh, this is, uh... I like throwing it to you from time to time. This is... I'm gonna say one in the morning. Okay. I like that guy. That was my initial... Get your answers in, Tony.

Yeah. Because this happened... I'm gonna change! What do you think? 1 p.m.! God, that's unbelievable. This you think? 1 p.m. God, that's unbelievable. This is 10.45 p.m. on a Saturday. It's not that late. No, I'm not late.

And told her he had just encountered a girl doing the biggest poop we've ever seen in the complex. He quote said, I was like, what are you talking about? Nettie told. She was talking about anything. Well, no, I mean, this is what Nettie said to the husband. What are you talking about? The husband goes back, Nettie Nemo's like. What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

The husband goes back, Nettie Nemo's like, what do you mean you just saw someone pooping on our porch? She's like, I couldn't comprehend. Aza claims he was coming home from the footy, I guess the football match. The football match, yeah. Oh, sure. And turned into the walkway that led to their front door

where he found an unknown woman with her pants down midway through her business. He froze before asking if she was okay. How nice is that? Yeah. So you're so bewildered. That is your first like, you all right? If you're in Florida, you pull out the AK-47.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get off of my lawn. Ask questions later. So he froze, asked if she was okay. Then she says to me in my own house, well technically she's outside of the house. Right, but still. She says in my own house, can I have two minutes?

She said that to him. Can I have two minutes? Can I have two minutes? In shock, Aza walked back to the letter box, the mailbox to wait for the woman as requested. Can I have two minutes? She asked nicely. Give her two.

There's a man on this porch. Doing my business. Give her two, There's a man on this porch. Yeah. Doing my business. Give her two. She's putting a two on your porch. All right. Okay. The one who gave you two before she pulled up her pants, grabbed her belongings. So this is my thing.

So if you're going to poop out in the wild, you're just saying to the universe, I'm going to ace this one. That you better. Because I'm just pulling up my pants at the end. We assume she's drunk, right? Oh, yeah, or something. Ace you mean not wipe?

Yeah, not have to wipe. So this is my best guess. In all of our years of dumb behavior. Yeah. She's so drunk, she thought she knew who lived at this house. And she was just like, they wouldn't let her in. Right.

Because no one's letting anyone in. In her mind They wouldn't let her in because no one's there. In her mind, like, let me in. And then she's like, I'm just gonna have to go to the bathroom, so be out. And then she just poops out lemon drop shots right there on the porch, thinking this is like, they made me do this, they won't let me in here. This is of their doing.

She grabbed her belongings and left, walking past Aza on the way out with a quote smirk and a quick coherent bye. I can't believe he gave her two minutes. I would have tripped it. Nettie recalled while laughing. What are you supposed to do? I can't believe he called the newspaper about this. Like how did this reach the news?

Yahoo News! Yahoo News! I'm straight up grabbing her purse and tripping her. That's what I'm doing. And then I say, sorry. But we live in LA, there's so many homeless people. I mean, like. That could happen.

I mean, if someone pooped on your porch, I'm not calling KTLA. No, you're not. You know, or even Weir News. I know, look, living in a WER. Are you gonna neighbor rap it? No, not even! I'm gonna put on the Citizen. She said laughing.

Get a hose. Hey why wouldn't we open the Citizen app? It's always man with machete. I always. Always man with machete. I will not open that app. I don't know, I have the notifications. So you guys are gonna know that.

I don't even open it. Is it just tiny machetes all around the city? How many machetes? Where do you get a machete? It's not that easy. I mean it's very Florida thing. You gotta cut through high grass. There's a store in the valley called Just Machetes.

Is there a store called Just Machetes? There is, in the valley. And they have all kinds of- Danny Trejo does not have a store called Just Machetes. He's got donuts, tacos, and just machetes. Just machetes. Danny Trejo's Just Machetes. It's machete, it's machete. By the way, he would sell the F out just machetes. Danny Trejo's just machetes. It's machete, it's machete.

By the way, he would sell the F out of machete. You can get a machete and a Mitchellata. Get those both. Machetes and Mitchellatas, let's go. Danny Trejo, listen to us. Where are you, buddy? What could go wrong? So here's the best thing, living in a small complex,

the apartment complex, the pair then reached out to their landlord to share what happened. I'm sure the landlord was happy. So they're like, someone pooped on our thing, we are renting, you take care of it. So here's a crazy thing that happened to me this weekend. We were at our cousins down in Mission Viejo, they are so generous to have us come and stay there

and with groups of people and it's so fun. Price was down there, friends, it's great. Really, really nice time with family and stuff like that. After dinner, I'm walking to the bathroom in the back area and I see a giant clump of something on the floor. And I realize that one of the dogs has thrown up. So I, my initial thought was, I should tell.

Do you have a dog there? No, it's their dogs. I should tell my cousin or her husband that this happened. Number one, they should know if their dog is sick or not, or if they're like, oh God, this is a bad thing. But I just didn't know what order to do it. And I also wanted them to see it so they would know what it was. You got a passive-aggressiveness.

Well, so no. So I went over and I was like, hey, man, I hate to do this right now, but I gotta take you to show you this thing that happened because I just don't want you to be like, oh my God, our dog has this problem, or this is a recurrence of heartworms or whatever. They need to see it. I can't just scoop it up and get rid of it and be like FYI, your dog, they need to see what it is. Cause then- So you take a picture with your phone? I should have taken a picture with my phone.

Should have taken a picture with your phone. See, I go in and I go. Instead I was like, hey, will you look at it? So I took him all the way to the thing and he was like, I need, I was gonna go eat a piece of pie. I don't really wanna look at this right now. And I was like, you're right. I felt so stupid.

And then I cleaned it up and tossed it. But I was like, was I wrong to pull him from? Wait, wait, wait, wait, you saw a dog's poop? No, throw up. Oh, throw up. And I'm like, and I felt badly because I was like, yeah, I didn't need to drag him away from the pie. Take a picture of yourself, text him afterwards.

No, I think you go in, you make a big deal of it. You go into the kitchen, you're like, hey, paper towels, kitchen like hey paper towels We got any paper towels and somebody will ask you why One of the dogs well one of the dogs puked I don't know if any of you guys have a sick dog or I'm gonna take care of it and then Their own ownership will go like no one of us should take care of you know no no no no I got it But if you want to see it like you know I don it's somebody's. I was not passive aggressive enough.

Dan would've walked into a full room and just loudly, so like, anybody got paper towels? Not even looking at anybody. No, I'm not even in the kitchen. I'd go outside and start, yeah. Everybody got paper towels? So they called the landlord and they're like, landlord who's got cameras around the complex

with one pointing down to that very walkway came the next day to clean up the mess. So it just sat there. They left it there, shit on the step. He's the only one that has actual footage of it happening and he is watching it on repeat. I'm just kidding. And this is the only way he can orgasm. When asked.

When asked. It's in public. When they asked if they were gonna report the incident of the woman pooping on the porch to the police, Nettie shared that they likely wouldn't be on this occasion as they were just laughing it off. We won't report it to the police, but Yahoo News, here we go!

Oh my God, other stories of strangers pooing on people's property. People- Yeah, because you said at the beginning that they're like, this isn't that bad. People reacting to the story they shared online were utterly entertained by the encounter. Tell us everything.

No shame to the door pooper one said. Quote, the fact he gave her a minute another laughed. No, he gave her two minutes. Two minutes. Let's get it right. I don't know man. I don't know if I wanna arm drag somebody who's mid squat. If it's also that big.

You don't. This is crazy too because you guys are these people or you're like me and you have friends like these people. I've had friends who would have to leave the bar and go home. Oh yeah, y'all. To go drop a deuce. Shy poopers.

Yes, and then there's other people that are like, I'm good, right here, let her rip. Unreal. Yeah. Those surprising, and the surprising number of people share their own poop stories. My postie took a dump on the set, post, I'm assuming the mailman, on the surprising of people share their own poop stories. My postie took a dump on the set, post, I'm assuming, the mailman, on the side of my house.

It was huge. I was not impressed. I love, like that, those two sentences don't. Fine that he did it. So what you're saying more about yourself is that I don't, I'm not impressed by it. Scene bigger. Scene bigger, I'm a UPS guy.

Now that was a package that no one ordered. I went to the park by our house last week and someone did this on a park bench seat declared second. Oh my God. So I had to someone said, Oh my God. So I had to poop so badly. I want to sit in someone's front garden on a main road. I felt so bad but I was going to poo myself a third of a minute. On top of this urban several reports of people in Melbourne and other cities

being caught defecating on people's properties. In 2023 a public pooer was caught on camera on a busy Sydney road and in 2021 security cameras caught a cyclist taking a toilet break on a stranger's driveway while riding through an affluent Melbourne suburb. You see that's what driveways crazy, porches crazy. You started out, Jay, with the right thing.

You would at least find a bench. Find a bush. Because the thing is, maybe people are listening to this. Oh, yeah, sorry People are listening this and haven't experienced yet. We are not in control No, your body is constantly guiding you towards bathrooms and stuff like that That's right. There will come a time in everyone's life where you realize too far Yes, you don't decide when you sneeze and ultimately there are times you don't decide when you sneeze, and ultimately, there are times you don't decide when you shit. Now, you go find a bush.

Go find a bush. Because when your body takes over, just don't sit in poison eyes. Ever after you pooped, you almost feel like a sadness? That's because of the prostate. Is that what the name is? Sense of loss. But almost like you're like,

it's a combo of relief and sadness. Yeah, loss. You're like, and I'm talking like five minutes later, you're in the car, you're like... Did I? Yeah, like... I just, like a part of me is gone. Did I lose an intestine?

Yeah, a part of me is gone. A part of me is gone. Or like, I'm okay, I'm not in pain. I had the anticipation, then the deposit, and now I'm like, what do I have anymore? Who am I? Who, I'm not in pain. I had the anticipation, then the deposit, and now I'm like, what do I have anymore? Who am I? Who am I? I was that.

That was my identity. It's just depressing. If I saw a dog throw up, I'd walk right by it. There you go, see you later. Not my dog, not my dog. Not my problem. Not my dog. I think that makes you a nice person.

Yeah, I was worried about what it said about the dog and I felt like they needed to do the forensic look before anything happened. Take a picture on your phone, show them after they eat the pie. Or look in there if there's any blood. The dogs throw up all the time. You taste it just a little bit.

Anyway, Dan, if you're on top of the pie. No, you don't taste it. Dan, give us a little taste of what it gets to. Bank Robber with the worst getaway plan. Bank Robber with the worst getaway plan and we'll find out what Dan's got going on after this break. Jason Ash is with us. All Good Things is his podcast.

Subscribe to that right away in the break. We'll be right back with more Don't Do The Don't. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Don't Do The Don't. I love a good deal. I do love a good deal. But I'm not gonna lay down on a bed of nails and then put another bed of nails on.

Is it a bed of hot coals or a bed of nails? It's a- Is this a Brian Adams song? I'm not gonna lay down on a bed of hot nails and put another bed of hot coals on top of me. It's too much. Just to save a few bucks is what I'm saying. Look, our friends at Mint Mobile,

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DPT cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month y'all at mint mobile dot com slash DPT $45 upfront payment required equivalent to a $15 a month new customers on first three month plan only speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply look you can see mint mobile for details Hey gang welcome back to the show before we get out of here Daniel In addition to wine club if you haven't seen it it's on to be right go see that movie dance wonderful dance Wonderful special on YouTube. Let's get up up over 100,000. Rose Gold.

It's amazing. I think it's closed. Are you closing in? Yeah. I like it. We'll see. And then tell them where people can see you and your recurring show here in LA.

Yeah, first Wednesday of every month at Bespoke LA over on Fairfax right by Cantors. You can see my show, Overshare, that I do with Lally and Melissa. Get this guy on. We've already talked about it I love it, and it's a wonderful show. It's it's a great time and you get like two free drinks with every ticket purchase I know. Oh wow. Yeah amazing. Yeah, so fun

Check that out, and then I will be in Lafayette If this is when this is happening, I'll be in Lafayette and New Orleans at the end of September. Nice. And you can go to danielvancouric.com for that. And then in November, I'm doing a show that, we haven't announced yet, but you can put it in your calendar if you want. The first Saturday, I think that's like the ninth,

I will be doing a show. First Saturday in November is before that, it's the second. It's the second? Yeah. So maybe it's the, so this is the second. Second, yep, there you go. Yes, their second Saturday in November. That show is going's the second. It's the second? Yeah. So maybe it's the, so this is the second. Second, yep.

Yes, our second Saturday in November. That show is going to be in Cedar Rapids and then I'll be at the Flyover Comedy Festival at the very least on Saturday night. I'm not sure about Friday because I might have another gig, but everything's at danielvankirk.com. Where's the Flyover Comedy Festival?

St. Louis. St. Louis. Oh my God, it's so fun. So like we'll be at the Sheldon Theater on Saturday night and you'll be at your spot. Brought to you by T. Ravs. Okay. Hey, Tosca Ravie, really?

This is a short little story. Okay, great. But the headline alone. Sent in by DG3 at Dynamite DG. Great, I love it. Bank robber arrested while waiting outside bank for money. I thought you were gonna say for Uber. No.

Wait, wait, wait. So sent someone else in? Had no getaway plan, had no robbery plan. Oh my god. Eugene Organ. Never actually did anything. No, it's just, can you say it, Clint? A man is facing charges of robbery

after allegedly demanding money from a bank at Knife Point and then waiting outside for the money. Yeah. I'll be out here. See this knife? Bring it out to me outside. Right. And don't do anything fishy like when I go outside call the cops on me.

He's trying to do curbside bank robbery. I'm trusting you here. I'm trusting you to do the right thing. You know me. I know you. Yeah. Everyone so often someone else does. This knife will be on me out there.

Sir, I can't come around. We're just stacking it. I can't come around from the back. You can come around. It's Woody Allen. You can come around for a second. You got a gub? What is a gub?

What does that say? A gun? No, it says gun. It looks like a bean. I see it says gun. Gub, gub. According to court documents, the man later identified,

you cannot commit a crime if this is your name. Let's hear it. Roger George alibi. No. Oh, that's a typo because there's another name where it's all be. Okay. I thought it was. Oh my God.

And I'm coming out as dyslexic today. Yeah. Yeah. What's his all be? Yeah, exactly. So RGA Roger George Albie, 65 years old, walked into the Wells Fargo Bank on East Broadway on April 24th, pointed a knife at employees, and told them he was robbing them. I'm robbing you guys. With a knife.

He's Robert Albie. He's robbing them. Court documents allege. Maybe that's what he is. I walked in and he said, I'm Robbie Albie. Robbie Albie, and I'm robbing you. Court documents allege. Maybe that's what he is. I walked in, he said, I'm Robbie Albee. Robbie Albee, and I'm robbing you. Roger. Roger, sorry, Roger.

I love that we've all got, we've. Robbie Albee. Robbie George Alibi, instead of the money, Eugene, he said, I'll be waiting outside, I have a knife. He apparently then left the bank, sat on a bench across the street. First of all, even if this works, that's too far. You went to across the street.

You gotta be right outside the door. What type of service are you expecting? You have to be at the door holding the knife up, like reminding them. Even if you said to the teller, hey, let's say you took out 100 bucks cash, all 20s, right? And you go, hey, I'm gonna go across the street, I'm gonna sit on the bench,

if you come over there, I'll give you a 20. They'd go, no, that's to get money. They wouldn't come out there. At least clean your knife in the doorway. Is this a robbery thing if you say, give me all your money, give me $10,000, meet me at the park bench across the street, I'll give you a thousand if you meet me all the way across.

Why not? Is that a robbery? Yeah. Well, no, it is a robbery, but like. But no, but I thought you were gonna say. That's a plan. At least that's a plan. And you're incentivizing this person to do a lot of the work for you.

That's what I'm saying. But also, yes, Jason, that's what I thought too. It's like, it's his theory that if they bring it out of the bank, he didn't rob them. That's what he's thinking. If you went in and said, give me all your money, all your hugs and kisses, too. This is true. And they're like, ZZ Top, you're like, yeah!

Meet me outside 10-10. I'll be on the bench. On the bench. I didn't know where you were going. And you got there. She's got 10s. She knows how to use them. Instead of money, Eugene police arrived.

Yeah. And they arrested Albie. Yeah. He was taken to the Lane County Jail on Thursday and charged with two counts of first degree robbery and two counts of second degree robbery. Court documents show that Albie is currently on probation from a previous robbery conviction. Third degree idiocy. Bro.

He's due back in court. You acted like you'd never been there before. He's been there before. He did a big dance. Did this work? He did a big dance. Right. But he didn't even have a car. So he was like, I'm gonna go outside,

I'll be sitting in my car. Right. He was like, I'm gonna be at the bus stop. I'll be at the bus stop. It takes them forever to get here anyway. He thought it was gonna be like one of those restaurants where you order at the counter and they give you a number and you go sit and they're gonna bring it to you

in like 20 minutes or call your name out. Curbside, he wanted curbside service. Look, COVID has made everybody think you can get curbside service. Even in a bank robbery. Even in a bank robbery. You cannot. All right, that's story number three, friends.

Story number three. Jason Nash. Jason Nash, all good things. Check his podcast, follow him on all social medias, on Instagram, subscribe to YouTube page, all that stuff. This is a great way to support him. He's one of our favorites and one of our closest friends from a long, long time.

Right, was it 30 years, Nashie? God, almost. 95. We're almost 30. Oh my God, yeah, it is almost 30 years. 95 is when you came to New York, or when you were in New York. Yeah, it'll be 30 years next year.

30 years next year. Isn't that crazy? I love it. I love it. Get better with age, my friend. And that is it, guys. And oh snap, we gotta get back to work. We'll see ya!

Stick around, make a sound. There's more to F***ing Town.