Dumb People Town - Jay Larson - Snuggle Buddiez at Fatty's Bar

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

This week, Jay Larson (The Crabfeast) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! Story #1 starts with a bank robbery and ends with an arrest at KFC. In Story #2, we learn about a new service for people who just want to snuggle. Story ...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, come here Downey's Dumb People Town. Hey Downey's, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. That cough you just heard over our voices is Jay Larson. Hey guys. From the Crab Feast. Feast on, baby. Feast on. Dumb People Town! everyone home with me. That's how much I love them. The other half of the crab feast is our second ever episode of Dumb People Town.

Ryan Sickler. And the reason why we waited for Jay Larson was because he has a new stand-up special that's out that's unbelievable. You can pre-order it

or it's available. I'm not sure. He's going to explain how you get it. Go right now. Yeah. Dan, give me a second to at least wait

before you be like, I'm playing into the dumb aspect of being a dumb person. You are? Yeah. Don't yeah don't you know what check this your fans are so great in the wake of the tragedy that we talked about i posted on twitter and i said i can tell you this much tomorrow's never guaranteed tell people you love them and somebody wrote back to me based off my third appearance on the crab feast that goes for That goes for animals, too. You never told Gary the goat. Hashtag fuck Gary the goat. Hashtag fuck The Crab Feast.

And I'm like, these fans, these feasters. They go deep, baby. They go so deep they put your butt to sleep. Two years ago we recorded that episode, and I still got people on Twitter hitting me up about Gary the goat. Gary's in the cabin. In the cabin, baby. I think you guys, you make it so personal, those shows.

It's storytelling about you. It goes so deep. And you can't help but love the people that do the show because they leave so much of themselves out on the field. Which is what you do in the special. I was so proud of how much you just left out there. Oh, thanks, man. Well, I think that's one of the beauties of producing something yourself. There's no network or studio being like, I think that's one of the beauties of producing something yourself.

There's no network or studio being like, we think you should pull this out. It doesn't fit with the overall brand. This is exactly your vision, the way you want it to be, and I love it. The world is getting dumber, as we know it. Agreed. I don't think it's ever been as dumb as it is right now, and guess what? Tomorrow it's going to be dumber. The only way we can fight back is through comedy, and so we get stories sent to us by our awesome fans.

We have great fans, too. Sure. They're unbelievable. The townies are great. There are dumb ears on the ground. They send stories into Dan. We don't know the stories. Jason and I have never heard them before. Neither does Jay Larson. We're in the same boat as Jay Larson. And you know what's funny? You say that, too, about us getting dumber. Somebody sent me a message on the Facebook page. You can join that over at Facebook.com.

You might have heard of it. We're almost 13,000 strong. And they were like, hey, actually studies prove that people are getting smarter. And I haven't responded. I will because they meant it all in kind. But here's the deal. Yes, a person is smart, but people are dumb. The individual person might be getting smarter, but

people are dumb. And they're all in this town. Alright, you guys ready? Yes. This was sent in by Josette Covington at Pure Josie. I love the last name, Covington. I got to tell you, I got used to get my hair cut in elementary school by Josie. Really? Josie Covington?

She had tracheotomy, so she'd talk like this. No. You want a little more off the screen? How do you like it on the sides? How high do you want the screen? Should I leave it it on the sides? How high do you want this to be? Should I leave it long in the back? I mean, that's as close as it gets right there, Randy.

How's your mom doing? That was it. You see any good ballets recently? Sixth grade, we all went to get flat tops. I knew it. My nana called to the shop and said, Jason can't get a flat top. And then Barbara's like, you can't get a flat top. And I was like, fuck that. Your nana called, you can't get a flat top. And then Barbara's like, you can't get a flat top. And I was like, fuck that. Your nana called, you can't get a flat top.

I'm getting a flat top, Chelsea. No, you're not. She gave it to me. You got one? Yeah. I feel like that East Coast young Jay Larson has a lot of great childhood haircuts. Sure. Oh, man.

Thrust back. Do you have lines? Do you ever have lines? Bowl cut? Bowl cut ever? Bowl cut when I was young young but I put those lines in on my own baby yeah you did

Jay I shaved Carl Yastrzemski's sideburns my claim to fame topless I did Jim Rice's chest hair it was before the

trachea I could do anything back then okay why are we making fun of a woman's misfortune I don't know

she did to herself. She smoked. For all we know. Set in by Josette Cummington at Pier Josie. Thanks, Josie. Police. This is just dumb. That's all this guy is. He knew how to do one thing

and couldn't figure out any part after that. Police arrested a Gainesville man Thursday at a KFC after they say he stole more than $10,000 from a Wells Fargo bank. So, $10,000 from a Wells Fargo bank? Where are we going to celebrate? KFC, baby. Get a bucket.

Cheapest extra crispy original recipe. What does he go for at that point? You gotta go OG. All 11 herbs and spices. You go to that bucket where you mix three. I remember one time in college, I was watching TV with my best friend bradford he gets up it's like saturday afternoon watching sci-fi we're probably hung over sure he gets up walks out of the apartment comes back about 45 minutes later with just four bags of kfc he was like i just saw a commercial

and i figured let's do it that's the best marketing ever yes and then he just had like the they used to have buckets and have like by different types of chicken. By the way, didn't say anything to you get up and walk out of the house and don't let your wife know that you're like if you and then come back

with KFC. She thinks you're in a fight. She thinks you're in a fight. Yeah. You get up and walk out.

You come back with KFC and then it's like battle lines drawn. She'd be like, what is this? What are you doing? Why are you

bringing this shit in here? What did you do? Why are you so guilty? What did you do? Why are you so guilt ridden? What did you do? I felt you so guilty? What did you do? Why are you so guilt ridden? What did you do?

I felt like Bradford had just made some decision and I sat around to see what it was. Sure. And I won. What's he going to come back with? He came up with the best thing. I love you, Randy. I'm like, we just robbed a bank. Let's go to the KFC.

Where are we going? Let's go to the KFC. We pulled it off. We pulled it off. Babe, what's the point of having money? You're not going to spend it. That's right. What's the point of having money?

Let's cut loose. Samuel Reeves entered the Wells Fargo Bank at 3939 Northwest 13th Street. Mark it down. Put it on the Dumb People Town walking tour. And told the teller he needed money. That's a passive aggressive way to rob a bank. That's why we do it.

I just need some money. I can't hurry it up. I've got to make a deposit. Ma'am, I'm dealing with this. Nope, I've got to drop all the money from the... I've got to get some blue water for the coals. I'm sorry, am I getting hair on the deposit slips? Sir, you said you need money? I've got to get some blue water for the coals.

Is that what he just did? He walked in and said, I need cash? He told the teller he needed money. The teller asked if he had a debit card and Reeves responded, this is a robbery, give me all your money in the bank. By the way, he teed him up for a great line. This is my debit card, gun in pocket.

Here you go. Instead, he's like, no, this is a robbery. Like, you missed a great opportunity for a great line. I don't mean to be dumb, but why are they called bank tellers? Does anybody know that? No, why is it called a wheelbarrow? I have no idea. I thought it called a wheelbarrow that's i have no idea i thought it was a wheel barrel for years the wheel barrel yeah that's a barrel that you stick yeah where

are wheels wheelbarrow it's half a barrel why is it a teller because they tell you how much money you don't have exactly you don't have not this dude sir Look at Jay. I love that he went from barely robbing a bank to wanting to rob all the money in the bank. All of it. Give me all the money, all your money in the bank. I hope she looked at me and said, sir, I have barely any money. Yeah, I got $280 in advance money market. I am a bank teller.

I'm a teller. The teller gave Reeves money. I can tell you this. The teller gave Reeves money that was in her drawer and asked if he wanted a bag. So she's, I can give you what I have. And then he just tried to like take it. No, no, no. You need a bag.

Do you want a bag or anything? And I bet she added a honey. Honey, you need a bag for that. Let me give you a bag. Honey, let me give you a bag for that. Remember I told you he just, all he knew was I want to rob a bank. Everything else was dumb. He so far barely robbed the bank and then didn't even have a bag.

She's helping him. Do you need a bag? She's like, we are giving away a promotional cooler this month. Do you want the cooler? The cooler. Goes over and gets the cooler.

You're going to have to open it. If you steal from a checking account, we can get you the cooler. He then took the bag with more than $10,000 in it. According to police, Reeves left the bank and walked through

the neighboring Publix parking lot. That's Florida. By the way, the sad thing is $10,000 isn't that much money. It's not a lot of money. You could probably do like three trips to Publix. No. What do you think? Publix is old school. I do. It's the original food. A bank follow.

They don't have enough money to spell Publix correctly. A bank employee followed taking photos with his phone. Not even... Hey, man, where are you going? Leave me alone, dude. I robbed the bank. Come back here for a second.

Come here. Can you just stand here? You've got to be eight feet away in order for the portrait to work. I'm going to keep walking behind you. I don't care. Just leave me alone. I want good depth of field. I've got to get a depth of field check.

Did you pay for that bag? She gave me the bag. No. Come here for a second. No. That's our own bags. I know that's not real. She gave it to me.

Am I the only person picturing this bank employee with a flip phone taking pictures? For sure. I got two mega pickles that says you just robbed that bank. Did you say mega pickles? Yeah. Isn't that what they're called? It's called a wheelbarrow. Wheelbarrow.

Reeves went into the KFC at 3750 Northwest 13 13th street not a long walk and sat down next to a woman he so he he went ahead and like double booth like he went up on someone who was sitting down free balling it basically well i mean what does he say to this woman reeves later told police he asked her for a cigarette yeah you know the way most people smoke in restaurants these days yeah i'm sorry you look like someone who and you know what the way most people smoke in restaurants these days. Yeah, I'm sorry. You look like someone who... And you know what she said? Yeah, I got a couple of cigarettes. I got a couple of... How do you think I talk like this?

I just cut Jake. I smoke it right out of my neck. Well, I keep a pack on me in case someone eats it. It comes right out of my neck. I'm giving Dustin Pedroia a mullet later today. I got this right out of my neck. Imagine him. Where are you going, Reeves? Gonna rob a bank Okay Then what?

I don't know I'm kinda hungry Don't get a cigarette Do you have any plan Do you have a getaway car? No Is anybody helping you rob the bank?

Nope I have not thought that far in the future Where are you gonna go after you rob the bank? Do you think he came up with he robbed the bank while he was waiting in line

to get But he was first in KFC Oh no he was in line at the bank He's like It's eight people in He do like a thing. But he was first in KFC. Oh no, he was in line at the bank. He's like, it's eight people in. He's like, I'm gonna rob these assholes. Rob this shit. This feels like a, I don't know what the next step is going to be. Because he's dumb.

There's no other, he had no other plan. He goes down to six times to a woman that they don't even say he knows. So he's like, I guess everything's coming up Reeves today. Here we go. Here we go. And then he goes, do you have a cigarette? Jay, that is, by the way,

that is confidence that I feel like you do not have that confidence. No, but like that confidence to walk up to somebody you don't know and ask them for a cigarette,

I feel like you would write a whole bit about how like the first time you ever did that it was like the most confident thing you ever did. Yeah, I mean, well, I mean,

I have no problem going up to anyone for, I think it's fun. This guy clearly asking for a cigarette was like low on his totem pole. He just asked for 10K. And he got it. And he got it.

Don't forget, he's still being followed by the bank employee. Who's taking pictures. Can you not, man? Can you not? I already got away with it. I got away with it. I'm out. Once you're out of it, it's home base.

I'm free. You don't even work at this KFC, bro. Go back to the bank. Grabs the cigarette and just starts smoking in the store. Talks to the lady and is like, paparazzi. You know, he just stole 10 grand from us. When officers arrived, they found him at the KFC with the bag of money, and he told the police he robbed the bank.

In my mind, they walked in. He's like, I did it. You got me. I robbed it. You got me. And then the bank teller was like, he's right over here, officer. He's like, you don't even have to tell, bro. I I did it. You got me. I robbed it. You got me. And then the bank teller was like, he's right over here, officer. He's like, you don't have to tell, bro. I already told him.

I got it. I got 10 grand and a cigarette, so you can go screw off. Yeah. There's nothing they can do to me. I'm in KFC. I didn't even ask for the bag. They asked me. They can still bust you for what you did back over there.

I'm on KFC, ghoul. Nope. I'm on ghoul, bro. You can't tag me. On ghoul. On ghoul. Didn't you call it ghoul when you were a kid? No, home base. Home base. No, it's not home base. It's ghoul. Nope. I'm on ghoul, bro. You can't tag me. On ghoul. Didn't you call it ghoul when you were a kid? No, home base.

No, it's not home base. It's ghouls. You're supposed to say ghoul, but everybody just ends up making it ghoul. We would say olly olly income free. Would you say that? Olly olly oxen free. What is this, fucking land titles in Wisconsin? Dude, I'm telling you. In Illinois. Oxen free. Free grazing. Although we did play up at the Cavanaugh. Olly olly oxen

free. If you don't come now you'll be IT you say ollie ollie income free ollie ollie income free what's that mean everybody can come in free oh I thought you meant

income yeah now what alright hey what's your 401k let's make a decision let's just be honest we're 7

this time let's be honest about what we're making at Japan parents open up a 529 we gotta add that in we gotta go right now income is free guys

he said income free at the bank income free income free alright you ever play sardines no

you never played sardines one person hides and everybody has to find them the last person to find them is it no it's a reverse hide and go seek

never yeah play that one with the kids everybody one person hides and they have to find you and then you stay together all quiet you can't play hide and go seek with my kids you go go hide and go seek never yeah play that one with the kids everybody one person hides and they have to find you and then you stay together all quiet until the last person go seek with my kids you go go hide and he sits and buries his head and you're like dude i see you you're right there bro sounds like he's gonna end up on this show it sounds like he could someone's gonna write in

about him and it might be me he just stole 10 grand so i love that when he comes in he just tells the cops uh yeah i did it you got the You caught the Great Reeves bank robber of 2017. He was held at Akalucha? How would you guys go with that one? Akalucha. A-L-A-C-H-U-A? I don't know. County Jail.

Alachua. Bond was set at $250,000. I think it should have just been, by the way, I think it should have just been $11,000. Just a little bit more. Just one more than what he had. And a bucket of chicken. To me, that whole story, my takeaway from the whole story

is, I wonder what it would be like to eat a bucket of chicken. I haven't had that in like 10 years. A bucket of chicken. You haven't really just gone to town on a bucket of fried chicken? I wish I could. I haven't while been a while i'll be honest i haven't had kfc since maybe sixth grade really serious wow yeah when i we had in college i think that's the last time i had it that's 25 i don't think i've ever had red lobster really i've never had red lobster are you kidding and the shrimp's going on right now. Proud sponsor of the podcast.

Hush puppies. That's the first place I had hush puppies. Yeah, we used to eat there. Fantastic. We used to eat there. Lobster from St. Louis. Are you kidding me? It's okay, really? Lobster, man.

No, we never did it. Nothing like that St. Louis lobster. Oh, God. Nothing like that. Nothing like that landlocked seafood. I knew it. Freshwater lobster. I love it.

Every time it comes up, you guys are like, landlocked. And now I can't get it out of my head. If I'm in a city and they're like, you want sushi? I'm like, we're in Boise. I don't know. Landlocked sushi. I mean, everything can be flown everywhere. Yeah, true.

But it is. Landlocked. True, but it feels better if you're within a driving distance of the ocean. So this guy maybe goes to jail for a little. What's his next move? Stole 10 grand, went to the... What is his next move in life? Did they find out

if he's like mentally unstable? I'll tell you this. If any story I ever come across has a person where it says like suffering from mental issues, we don't do that story. We're just talking about people who did dumb things.

That's a dummy. I'll bet, you know what he did? He sat on his stoop and bragged to everyone else and they'd be like, yeah! I just went in!

And then I wanted to give you a bag so I could just give you a bag. Did you be like, yeah! I just went in! And then I won! They gave me a bag! They gave me a bag! Did you get arrested? Yeah! I mean, you know. So you got away with it?

Nah! For a while. But I did. For a while. For a minute. I got out of the bank. I robbed a bank. I walked through the park.

I grabbed a quick pickup game three on three. I had seven points. It was 2-11. I bounced. Grabbed a smoke. Met the love of my life. Love of my life. It was 2-11. I bounced. Grabbed a smoke. Met the love of my life. Love of my life.

Rolled up on the love of my life at a KFC. Anyway, that woman's dining in at KFC, so things can't be going great for her, too. You know what I'm saying? Sure. That's not exactly someone who's got her shit together. You son of a bitch. I'm being honest. He used to dine in when he was a kid.

I would take it out. I wouldn't necessarily sit in there. Nothing wrong with dining in. Nothing wrong with dining in. Look at Jay looking down his nose. I dine in. Yeah, this Jay. Jay Sklar. Not Larson. Larson is like dine in. I dine in at fast food all the time. There's nothing

that makes you feel better about diversity in America than going to like a BK or a Mickey D's and dine in. I'm the only white dude in this job. There's no better lighting. There's no better lighting than at a BK

middle of the day. BK middle of the day. That's how you gotta live. All right, there you go. First story, down in the books. Stupid behavior. Just being dumb.

Capped by just a stupid plan. Nothing thought through. No chance to not get caught. All right, that's how we do it. Probably the best storyteller in this whole neighborhood this dude this guy

well yeah Reezy but I'll bet you the woman he asked a cigarette for can't tell a story to save her life she tried to explain

what happened that's why they probably wouldn't even take her statement just forget it just forget it and then he

nope stop it he came to me and asked for a cigarette and it's came to me and asked for a cigarette and it's probably what else he asked for a cigarette she was a cigarette

away from being like Kim Basinger and then on the lam with this guy she could have been like let's hop in the car let's get out of here could have gone on the road

10k that's an afternoon I imagine that the bank guy was insufferable as well because they didn't include him in the story either he was like I'll tell you what happened

I'll tell you I said I said I'll give you a... All right. Bonnie and Fried. Oh, my God. That's Glower Brothers.

There we go. First one down. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, more Jay Larson from The Crab Feast and his new stand-up special, Me Being Me. It's fantastic. We'll tell you how to get it right after the break right here. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We're with Jay Larson. Follow him on Twitter at... Jay Larson Comedy. Jay Larson Comedy.

Listen to the Crab Feast. For all of you guys who are like, I want a new podcast, I say, start with the Dan Van Kirk episodes if you want, or is there an episode that they should start with? No, D.B.K.'s first one is really awesome. I think our, I love the one we did, too. I love the one that we did, too. It was okay. Oh, wow!

Excuse me. Shots fired. No, that was great. It was super. I remember you guys had to go. I forget where you were going, but it was like. Talked about Philly, the Philly accent. We went deep. It was really, really fun. I remember you guys had to go. I forget where you were going, but it was like... We talked about Philly, the Philly accent. We went deep.

It was really, really fun. I loved it, man. I still have a vision of the basement in your home in St. Louis because of a story you guys told us, right? Those are the best stories when you have images as if they're your own memories, and you only heard a story. You get the most out of the people that come on that show.

Just fantastic. And I think... I'm going to tie it to your stand-up special because I think you tell a story in stand-up the way you tell it on that. Like, it's, of course you do a storytelling podcast because that's what you do so well in the stand-up. Yeah.

Although I think this stand-up special has a lot more, you said to me one time, like going through it, you're like, I just made a change. I just made a decision one night. It was like one night. You're like, I just made a change. I just made a decision one night. It was like one night. You're like, I'm just going to be honest about everything I say on stage.

Yeah, I did. And it's just going to be 100% honest. I actually don't even give a shit if people think it's funny or not. I'm going to be honest. And of course, the truth of it is you get to the very core of who you are as a person. Yeah. And it is so fucking honest, this special. Yeah.

How does your wife handle watching you talk about it? Well, you know, it's funny. I was just in San Diego, and there's a story at the end about getting a sex toy for me and my wife. Such a great story. My in-laws were down in San Diego with us, and they were coming to a show. And they had left for dinner with an old friend, and then I was getting ready to go to the club. And Kate was like, you know, she's like being cold. And I'm like, you all right?

She's like, are you going to do that dildo story? It's my closer. And I go, why? Do you not want me to? She's like, I'd she's like are you gonna do that dildo story it's my clothes and i go why do you not want me to she's like i'd really appreciate it if you didn't and i go you're gonna censor me you're gonna censor me now she's like it's about me and i was just like i gotta go and i left and i got to the club and i'm like there's only one thing that's really about her so i pulled that did it. Like her father came up to me afterwards and he put his arms

like on my shoulders and he looked at me and he goes, you were excellent. Nice! And he gave that look like, I don't need to say anything else. You see what's going on.

You felt it. You felt the love. It was sort of... And he's dope anyway. So I texted my wife and I'm like, show was great. You folks had a blast.

I had a really good set. Love you. See you after the second show. I get home. She's asleep. Yada, y blast. I had a really good set. Love you. See you after the second show. I get home. She's asleep. Yada, yada. Next morning, we're having breakfast. It's just me, her, and her mom at the breakfast table.

And her mom, you could see this little grin creeping up. And she goes, so I want to see this dildo. And Kate almost threw up and was so mad. And I'm laughing. Her mom, we're high-fiving. Me and her mom. It was unbelievable. Do you tell her you pulled that line? You pulled one line?

I told her afterwards. She goes, I didn't know. I just figured you pulled the joke. Because they said it was so great and how great you were. And then, like, 15 minutes later, it was just me, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, and my mother-in-law. And my father-in-law was way more conservative. She goes, I told Jay I wanted to see the dildo.

And he goes, oh, gee. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh., I told Jay, I wanted to see the dildo. And he goes, Oh gee, I couldn't even say the words couldn't come out because he was so like out of his conservative. And I love that she is needling him. Yeah. And she knows that that's going to push his buttons. She knows that's going to push his buttons and she throws it out there.

But like that dynamic, I feel like the fact that you're around that and you can pick up on that and see what that's all about is amazing that you're in close proximity to even that. Telling the story and having that be the reaction by your in-laws.

Wait, but tell people how they can find the special and go get it. Jlarssoncomedy.com. It's right there. There's a quick trailer if you need to preview something. Just get it. Click it.

Six bucks. Put your info in right there. Just get it. Click it. Six bucks. Put your info in right there. You can PayPal, and then it's yours. By the way, six bucks, not a lot to support. You're really DIYing it as best as you can. This is how you do it. It's like get out to the people. Let's just say I would have had to have robbed five banks to make this special again.

Okay. You know what I mean? You put your own money into it. I paid for the whole thing. You need a bag? I would need five. Get your bag. We'll meet you at a KFC right after.

But yeah, I was just happy. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it my way. That's kind of the way I am. I like to make my own stuff and I'm really proud of it. Dude,

I appreciate everyone checking it out. I loved it and I'll just tell you how I feel. Townie, this is your chance to support original comedy

of a close friend of ours, jlarsenComedy.com Get the special. Six bucks. Super easy. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to buy the special. I've seen a link.

You sent me a link of it so I could see it, but I'm going to go buy the special. I appreciate it. How do you like that? All right, Dan, we got a second story. Hold on a second.

Jay, Dan, are you also going to buy it? I'll use Randy's purchased link. That's not three bucks, then it is. Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely buying it.

Jay, can you Venmo me $3? I'll Venmo you $3. Thank you. Let's get right into this second story and not talk to Jay. Okay. About whether or not Dan's buying the special. This was sent in by Josh. I'm sorry, buddy.

I've done this to you before. Mout. M-O-U-A-T. Mout. Mout. Mout. Mout. That's cool.

Mout. At Jay Mout. Mout. Mout. M-O-U-A-T. M-O-U-A-T. M-O-U-A-T. That's cool. At J-M-O-U-A-T. M-O-U-A-T. M-O-U-A-T. M-O-U-A-T. I love you, Josh. I'm sorry for not knowing how to do it. Here we go.

If you live in Boise and are feeling lonely, there's a new business that could help. It sounds like the beginning of a fucked up Dr. Seuss. If you live in Boise and things are crazy. Right. If you live in Boise and it gets too noisy. There's a new business that could help. I'm about to give you guys a story. I shaved Steve Grogan's eyebrows.

Just want to let you know that. Pop him back in. Pop him back in. Quarterback Steve Grogan. Steve Grogan was a quarterback. 14, baby. What was the next phrase snuggle buddies is a new boise-based cuddling service we've had a cuddling service before in

madison wisconsin now this is a boise first only women will be allowed to use the snuggle buddies app and website which are set for launch near the end of october is this really a first boner that gets popped you're out I don't know. I think this is just the gateway. This is the gateway to the wedding. Snuggle Buddies is hiring. So, dumb people townies in the Boise area, someone please get a job at Snuggle Buddies.

A male cuddle buddy, I'm going to ask you guys right now, how much an hour do you think a cuddle buddy gets paid at SnuggleBuddies.com? I know this. Now, do you have the option to go first? Oh, this isn't what you pay.

This is what they pay. But you have to answer in how many Jay Larson specials could they buy with an hourly wage. So think about your number and then backtrack how many. You've got to do math a little bit. How many Jay Larson specials? You want to go first, third, or Tig Notaro, which is second? We always used to let people go first or third, and Tig was like, I want to go second.

I want to go second between the slots. I'll go third. Third? Okay. Jay or Randy? Jason? I'm going to say five Jay Larson specials, so $30 an hour. I'm going to say three Jay Larson specials, so $20 an hour. Okay. You guys are three J. Larson specials, so $20 an hour.

Okay. You guys are not even close. 18, you mean. You're not even close. They'll give $20 an hour and they can't. It's going to be $2.25, so I'm going to say $12, $14. That's even high. I'm going to say $2.

$12. It is Boise. You would get paid to be a snuggle bunny $40 an hour What? That's what I'm talking about Six Larson specials Wait a minute

Me being me Me being me I would do that $40 an hour That's fantastic Why wouldn't you do that? To nap? I feel like

No it's not Just cuddle You're rubbing a cuddle You're caressing an elbow. Come on. Guys, I know what cuddling is. No, you don't. No, you don't.

I don't think you do. You eventually doze off. I mean... Jay, Jay, Jay. You don't have sex. We have the best businesses that you're cuddling. You don't have sex and then cuddle. We have the best businesses in our town.

It's just cuddling. It's just cuddling so you don't feel tired like you need to fall asleep. When you get on an airplane and someone grabs that armrest next to you, you're flying to go do a gig, and someone grabs that armrest next to you, and your skin or your arm is touching their arm. What seat am I in? You're in a window. A window? Middle person gets both armrests. Middle person gets both.

That's what it is. But let's say you're in the middle and someone's not giving it up to you, and you've got to touch them for the whole time. That is the same thing it's going to be if you're a cuddle expert. First of all, the last time that happened, I looked at the guy and go, hey man, this isn't working. I go, this is my rest, dude.

You got to... You did not! In those terms. I did. What did he say? He was just like, oh. He turned his whole body. I'm like, thanks man, sorry.

I can't believe you said that to a military guy. You hate the flag. Are you really? You're like... Guys, I never said that! You support the war but not the flag. Yeah. Are you really? You're like, guys, I never said that. You support the war, but not the troops. You wouldn't salute a Marine. All right, fine. Fair enough.

But what does that have to do with me being a cuddle buddy? Because to me, that moment of touching a stranger for that long. No, it's totally different. No. That is a non, it's all about expectations. If you go into a situation where you don't expect to touch someone else's skin and someone else's body, then it's going to give you the creepies but if you know you're going that's just we're going to be holding and cuddling it's not going to feel as weird i couldn't do it

you couldn't do it but some all right 40 bucks an hour is more than we make doing this podcast they're currently only hiring men in the boise area uh a male cuddle buddy, you'll get paid $40 an hour to go caress a woman's hair, get your spoon on, whatever platonic method you agree to. How do you... Spoon is not platonic. Do you have to put... At all. How much underwear do you have to put? Because there is a moment in a spoon where it gets...

Spoon gets sexual. I'm sorry, it gets sexual fast. Of course it is. How many people have you ever spooned with not... You know, you don't snuggle with Danny. No. Jay and I shared a bed once, so. Oh, yeah.

Where was that? Was that at Austin? South by Southwest? Was there any touching involved? There was a whole empty bed next to us, too. No, you. Vegas? I think it was Vegas.

She got a little scared. I can't remember. Vegas, I think. Yeah, well, that was when we slept at the airport, too. Oh, my God. Two hours. Okay. I'll say this I've half wanted to

like when you get like a massage just be like hey you mind just rubbing my head for like a 20 minute like you know

get like your head scratched like your nana would do it feels so good but no one ever does anymore wives don't do that I'm showing the

website snuggle buddies you know what I was on board until they spelled buddies b-u-d-d-I-E-Z. Well, that's because regular buddies is taken out in Wisconsin.

Snuggle buddies? Oh, maybe it's a copyright. I think it's like snuggle time. You know there is a song that is like children are singing it. Snuggle buddies. Snuggle buddies. It's like Cars for Kids. $40 an hour is all it takes.

Cars for Kids is the worst radio commercial in the history of all. Don't even say it, dude. I hate it. I turned it off. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS? Yeah, it's is the worst radio commercial in the history of all. Don't even say it, dude. I hate it. 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS? Yeah, it's just the... No, no, no, no. What did we just say, Jay? Unbelievable.

I know. You ready for this? Donate your car today. What does it cost for you to get it? We'll get there. I'm going to tell you guys a sentence that really hurts what I feel is the validity of this business. Right.

So everything, they've got a website. They've probably done it through Squarespace or whomever. A sentence that really hurts what I feel is the validity of this business. Everything, they've got a website. They've probably done it through Squarespace or whomever. They're doing well. Don't like the spelling of the name, but fine. Snuggle Buddies will conduct open interviews at Fatty's Bar on 800 West Idaho Street from 2 to 6 on Saturday and 2 to 6 on Sunday. You just lost me. I know.

Fatty's Bar. Open interviews at Fatty's Bar. The drunker you get, the better you get in terms of... In breath season. No, dude, come on. I can't... Why would you ever? Literally, I took my headphones off.

You're losing listeners. Stop it. Jason, stop it. Stop it right now. God damn it. I want to... If I could just for a second, on behalf of everyone

at Dumpy Latona and Jay Larson, I would like to apologize for Andy Sklar what did you just do the dumbest thing ever happened on the spot god

you just started searching for something I know when that comes on the radio I turn it off and I count to a hundred and I get mad when that comes on the radio

I get out of my car and just start walking away I suppose and then I donate my car you want to put it in park then I donate my car to the kids actually I donate to adults just to shove it in I will walk out of my car I will sit down for a minute and then I donate my car to the kids actually I donate to adults

I will walk out of my car I will sit down for a minute and then I'll be like who's got a bi-week on my fantasy week in parenthesis it says wear tank tops I'm joking basically we're just looking for guys that meet the qualifications

Snuggle Buddy's co-owner Charlotte Lindsey says somebody that can cuddle and pass the background check. There's the hitch. Someone that can cuddle and yeah. And the psyche Val and is willing to go through the training to get certified.

By the way, why is there more background checks to be a Snuggle Buddy than there is to own a fucking AK-47 in this country do you understand what I'm saying that's that's

effed up I would love to be at that background check where she's just like Mr. Reeves it says here you robbed a bank yeah

well first of all they I mean I just said I wanted the money they gave it to me they gave me the bag they gave me the bag they gave me the bag

I wouldn't even how would I have even carried it out Mr. Reeves what did you do after you got the money? I almost cuddled with a woman in a booth. I was trying to cuddle with someone.

There's my resume. Why are we all whispering? Was it a restaurant? Yeah, it was a restaurant. What was it? KFC? Not a restaurant. If the tables are nailed to the floor, it's not a restaurant.

If you're ordering to go or dine in and it still comes in a bag. It is not a restaurant. If you're ordering to go or dine in and it still comes in a bag, it is not a restaurant. If more than one cash register on the counter, it is not a restaurant. If napkins are available on your table, it is not a restaurant. Yeah, totally agree. I'm glad we come to terms on that. If there's a bathroom code, it's not

a restaurant. If the person talking to you is also talking to someone else through a walkie-talkie device, it is not a restaurant. If the person talking to you is also talking to someone else through a walkie-talkie device. Not a restaurant. If food is pictured above the head of where you order it, it is not a restaurant. Well, no. I'm not talking about photographs. I'm talking about like...

If there is a dedicated playground, it's not a restaurant. If the person you're ordering from is wearing any form of hat that has the logo of the place you're at, it is not a restaurant. So, yeah, they're doing full psych evals, background checks, and a willingness to go through the training to get certified. Training? Which means they think you might pass the background check, you might pass the psych eval, but we need to know if you're willing to go through the training. If you quit during basic training, you're out. It's like the opening of Lone Survivor. Ring the bell.

Yeah. There's a moment when you're like, I'd like to be a cuddle buddy. There is that moment. Cuddler and a gentleman? I'd like to be a cuddle buddy. Cuddle buddy? Cuddle buddy. And they're like, here, pee in this cup.

And you're like, I'm out. I'm out. I'm sorry. I've done a lot of things that I can't. I would just walk in and be like, all right, lay down. And I'd just cuddle this dude. Let me show you what I can do. In the bar? At Fatty's Bar? Whatever, man. 40 bucks an hour?

The interviews will entail questions like how their relationship with their ex is or their baby mama is. That's a quote from Charlotte Lindsay. That is an interview question. We're just getting a feel for their type of personality. Guys, at this point, when I was reading this, I'm like, this is fake. It's not. It can't be real.

It is all real. I went to their Facebook page where they had just written a post where they apologized for asking for everybody's social security number because they're doing background checks. Oh, that's good. I'll look at it. This is in Equifax? Yeah, this could be part of the Equifax breach.

This could be the reason for the Equifax breach. This could be the reason for the Equifax breach. A cuddle buddy. Guys, we're getting a big, big issue in the Boise area with the Equifax breach. The cuddle buddy

has compromised a lot of our data. We are now just calling it cuddle bunnies. We have stopped calling it cuddle buddies, which is what it is. You know what?

They should change it to bunnies. Okay, I'm pulling it up right now. The Facebook group is... If they have more followers than we do, I'm going to be upset. I'm going to say top 390.

But for most people, most people don't like going to the strip club because they feel like it gives me blue balls for whatever reason. I can't... Oh, really, Randy? That's what most people think? Most people think it's like,

this is what it is. I can't get's like this is what it is. Most people tell Randy that. Most people tell me it's yeah. Takes me to the brink and I don't know what. Cuddling is three steps removed from that. You get to touch. I guess. Yeah I guess. Okay I'll pull it up while we read through the rest of this story. Here we go. Who's going for the cuddle?

That's what I meant. Lonely people. Yeah very. Lonely people just want to be held and just want to be touched. Lindsay. In a pure idealistic sense, this is a beautiful thing. Yeah. But once you start doing background checks, it's terrible. Charlotte Lindsay decided to start the company, Snuggle Bunnies, after being single for an expended period of time.

Yeah. She had tried. It's just lunch. I love that thing. After an expended period of time, anyone had tried it's just lunch. I love that thing. After an expended period of time anyone would be right down. It's just lunch is kind of like the beginning of somebody talking someone down from the ledge.

It's like you're begging them not to think you're a rapist. It's just lunch. We're not going to do anything crazy. Put my hand on your knee. I did not put my penis on your shoulder. It is literally just lunch. Where are you going? It literally just lunch. Where are you going? It's just lunch is usually what you

say after you say, where are you going? Look, where are you going? It's just lunch. I'm not putting my penis in your ear. We did not order any steaks. It's just lunch. It's just lunch. Cobb salad for you, Cobb salad for me.

There's barely a protein in this meal. It's just lunch. No one's drinking for me. It's just lunch. There's barely a protein in this meal. It's just lunch. No one's drinking that much. It's just lunch. Where are you going is the unspoken parenthetical. It's just lunch. I had been missing and feeling out of touch, she says, and I knew

it was affecting me on many different levels. What did you need? A human touch. This is what they wrote in the article. Let's cozy up to the Snuggle Buddies app. Any Boise woman craving platonic intimacy will be able to grab her phone, scroll through Cuddlist photos, and check out their bios and ratings and make an appointment. Bam, a Cuddle Buddy will come knocking.

By the way, the Cuddlist could be a new crime drama on CBS. The Cuddlist. It's a guy who solves crime by cuddling with the suspects he drives a cutlass the cutlass the cutlass the cutlass supreme the cutlass supreme like it's got to be a british guy he's like i don't understand the ways here the certified the cutlass the certified snuggler we'll go over the rules both parties will will establish... I can't figure it out! Lay down! Both parties will establish boundaries. Clients will be presented with a menu

of various activities and positions. No, I'm not slipping anything in. I'm just thinking. Quote, So they can choose to just start off maybe on the couch, holding hands or talking, and kind of having the cuddlist get a feel for what they're going through in life right now, Lindsay says.

From there, they might snuggle on the couch, or they might decide to move to a bed and snuggle, or they could even go out and do other platonic activities, like go for a walk or go to a movie, things like that. Who says let's take it to the bed? This is so much more than snuggling. Who says let's take it to the bed? This is literally like two people rubbing two sticks together in a forest

and being like, we're not rubbing it that hard. We're just seeing. I mean, no spark's going to catch here. We're also going to offer services like massage. This is an S. You are trying to hire men to be like Fred, is it Fred Garvin? Fred Garvin, male prostitute.

What is the hourly charge? Simple things like pettings hair, things that are comforting to people. Petting hair. In a kind and nurturing way. The cost of a standard session is and I'll find out how many likes. I couldn't do it, so I'll find it during the break.

I'll find out the likes. We'll do that when we come back. But how much is a standard cuddle session? You have to pay for an hour. For an hour, cuddle session. Where do you want to go, Jay Lawson? First, two, or third? You already know.

120 an hour. Too much 120. 120 an hour. Okay, so you're going to go first. Too much. Too much. Too much. $80 an hour. From Jason Sklar.

Don't forget, you're getting paid $40 an hour. I know. They got an app. You know how expensive an app is? App is free. It's cheap. There's no overhead.

You said 120, right? Yes. Okay, Jason Sklar, you said $80. I'm going to go right smack dab in the middle. I'm going to go $100.

I wish you said $110. I'm going to tell you guys. Go right smack dab in the middle, $103 to go $100. I wish you said $110. I'm going to tell you guys. Right smack dab in the middle, $103. Someone $3. In this room is dead on the money. Carson! That's me. Everybody who's listening, feel free to play along at home, in your car, at the work you

aren't doing, or the work you are doing. We're just happy to be there with you. Get up from the person you're spooning and shout it out loud. The cost of a standard session for a snuggle buddy to come over, pet your hair, and probably have sex if everybody consents. If you want it. If everybody consents. This is the price of feeling someone else's penis

through their clothes against your clothes. That's it. This is all it is. I love junior high. That depends on how you snuggle. Back to back? What if the person came to you and said... Back to back.

A back to back snuggle. What if the snuggle was like, I'm the little spoon. I came to your house, you... Or she might ask. I'd like to snuggle's like, I'm the little spoon. I came to your house, you owe me. Or she might ask that. I'd like to be on the outside. I'd like to give and you receive. The cost is?

$80 an hour. Yes! I knew it! Two for two today. Believe that. We'll get out on this last couple of stuff. The plan is to take snuggle buggies or bunnies. Buggies. I went buggies.

It's buddies. Snuggle buggies. Plan to take it national. Oh, good luck with that. But for starters, it will be Idaho guys getting paid to snuggle with Idaho gals. Idaho, you know. How do you like them potatoes? We just want to sit there and talk and cuddle, Charlotte Lindsay says with a laugh.

And sometimes we have to pay for it. You know what? That's also going to be her defense. Uh-huh, yeah. Sometimes someone's got to pay for it. Do you remember when you told your mom I want to do stand-up comedy? This is what I want to do. No, I mean, I never did. You never did. I remember saying, yeah, I didn't say,

I just said I'm going to move to L.A. Move to L.A. and try. No, you're not. She said no? Well, she was just like, what? No. What do you mean? I'm like, I'm going to do this. She la and try no you're not she said no well she was just like what no i know what do you mean i'm like i'm gonna do this she's like give no what do you mean okay so imagine someone telling their parents i'm gonna be a cuddlist like that conversation with their parents like mom dad i know you spent a lot of money on my education but i am i really feel like we're disconnected as a people and i feel like we need to get back together. And I need to do my part to get back. Democrats cuddling with Republicans could save our country.

But this is, you know, more and more and more and more people are being disconnected because we do everything social media. People are depressed and disconnected. I'll take a good cuddle session versus a good online cat you can't catfish someone when you're cuddling them you can't catfish you can't catfish in a cuddle you know that, alright, we'll take a break you can cuddle fish

why can't you be a cuddle fish alright, we have one more segment with Jay Lawson the great Jay Lawson got a new stand up special, me being me got a great podcast, the crab feast and a million other things he's doing. We love it. This is Dumb People Town.

Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Final segment. We should mention we're doing a live Dumb People Town in New York City.

Actually, in Brooklyn, at the Bell House on February 25th. It's Sunday night. We got the girls from Guys We Fuck. They're going to be our guests. And if we sell that thing out, we'll get another guest. Who knows? Could be T.J. Miller if he's there. Could be Jim Gaffigan if he's in town.

We don't know. So let's sell that thing out and then do another one there. That's a Sunday night at the Bell House in Brooklyn. Great night to go see it. The 25th. Tickets are available now. So just get your tickets now. And they're selling. They are selling.

And they are selling. That's what we heard. So that would be great to do that. And we are going to go back to, we had such a great time, Jay Larson, you should definitely do this. Casino. Our friend Lacey Applegate, there's a casino in Oklahoma, West Siloam Springs, Oklahoma. And she puts together an amazing comedy room.

An amazing comedy room. And so we are going to do this. We're going to comedy room and so we're going to do this we're going to do stand up and we're going to do a dumb people town a live dumb people town Brian Moses is going to be with us Dan Van Kirk's going to be with us

we're going to do a live dumb people town there that's on May 5th so that's going to happen on May 5th so if you're anywhere near West Siloam Springs which is kind of near

Fayetteville yeah right Tulsa, Fayetteville a couple hours and then of course we will be a part of the Houston

we're all going to be Jay's going to be there as well I, we will be a part of the Houston... We're all going to be. Yeah, Jay will be there as well. I'm going to be a guest on the Crab Feast. We weren't asked. That's okay. Weird that we weren't asked at all. That's fine.

So we're going to be a part of that. We're all doing that. We asked Randy. Okay. But we're going to be doing a live Dumb People Town there. That'll be so much...

That's like the 16th 17th 18th maybe something like that yeah Houston of November Jay I gotta ask you you do stand up a lot and I

what is the newest thing that you're doing and you do love it that you love getting up and you're like I can't wait to get out and do this could be post special material

yeah I mean there's a little bit I'm doing right now that I just actually put it on I did this joke last night. It's the first time I've done it. I love it.

I go, you know, people don't talk to each other anymore. I go, I said to this guy, they go, hey, man, how you doing? He's like, oh, man, I have a phone. I don't need this. I'm just like, because I feel like the whole next thing I'm working on just has to do with that disconnection between people. And everyone's just so plugged in. Cuddle buddies. Cuddle buddies, baby. Cuddle buddies is literally tapping into what you're expecting. Maybe it could be

Jay Larson, cuddle buddy. Let me be your cuddle buddy. That's what you want. That's all you want out of the world is people cuddling together. Jay Larson, cuddle buddy. So if you're following along, so far we've called snuggle buddies cuddle buddies, snuggle buggies, snuggle bunnies, cuddle bunnies. Cuddle Buggies.

Look, by the way, Jay Larson couldn't take the name Snuggle Buddies. Yeah, that's true. He has to do Cuddle Buddies. Okay, you guys ready for this? Yes. How many likes does the Facebook page for Snuggle Buddies have? Jay Larson, where do you want to go? I don't want to go first.

I feel like I threw a number out earlier, and I just want to rethink, so I'm going to go third. I'll do it. I'll do it. 6,000. 6,000. 6,000 likes. Way too many. What? That is absurd.

1,230, and I think I'm high. That's absurd. Okay. I'm going to say it's below 500. It's 360, but it might even be lower than that. 360. Okay. The amount of likes.

I'm so excited right now. Boise and the surrounding areas is a big area. The sn of likes. I'm so excited right now. Boise and the surrounding areas is a big area. The Snuggle Buddies page is 270. What did I say? 270.

270. We gave them way too much credit. Look at their logo. Their logo looks like... I said 6,000. I gave them... You gave 6,000. I gave them such the benefit of the doubt.

You gave them way more power than they need. And said it was a big town. I basically said, like, giving them 6,000 likes on their Facebook page is like me saying that Stephen Avery is completely innocent and there's no chance he could have done it. I like giving such the benefit of the doubt. Like, there is no way... You tripled down. I like giving such the benefit of the doubt. There is no way. You tripled down. I literally tripled down on all of this.

All right, Dan, you got one more story for us? Here we go. Take us home. This comes with pictures that I'm telling you right now, when you go to the Facebook page, and when you guys look, it's going to gross you out. Join the page. For all the Crab Feast fans who are coming to the show for the first time,

join the Facebook page. You will totally dig this and becoming a townie it will be a great thing for you. Okay this was sent Facebook.com slash dumpy. I love that they're townies.

They're townies. Right? Sent Yeah. What's from Breaking Away? Is that what it's That's They're called cutters.

They're cutters. We could have them called cutters. Sent in by A Blinken A period A Blinken I love it. I love it. Never seen that. Wait to hear this handle. At Sn. A. Blinken. I love it. I love it.

Never seen that. Wait to hear this handle. At Snark Angle. Love all of it. A. Blinken at Snark Angle. 24-year-old Kat Gallagher's fun excursion into body art, or fun excursion into body art, ended in horror when an eye tattoo left her partially blinded and oozing purple tears. Nope.

Reddit. Purple tears. Purple tears. May she rest in peace. I know she's not dead. I just wanted to get a good night's sleep as a parent. I know how valuable that is to get a good night's sleep. And Jay Larson will tell you from a special, one key to getting a good night's sleep, king-sized bed.

King-sized bed. King-sized bed. That was hilarious. The tattoo was meant to have tinted her how do you say this sclera sclera sclera sclera s-c-l-e-r-a peter sclera from my bosom buddies and then girls the white part of her eye that's what that is but instead it went terribly wrong causing pain and possible permanent impairment i have the same This is like when someone's like, I ran out of oxygen on top of Mount Everest.

Yeah, you did. You're not supposed to be up there. It's called the fucking death zone. That's why we don't stick needles in our eyes. Is that what they call it? Above 29,000 feet is the death zone. How high does it go? 29,700. I think above

27,000 or 28,000 feet is a death zone. There's a whole camp up there. I have a tough time in Denver. Yeah. It's a couple times in Denver. Let's find out from all of our townies really quick. Alexa, how tall is Mount Everest? All right.

Proud sponsor of Dumpy. I know. There you go. Now the young model is sharing her story in hopes that others won't make her same mistake. How many people does she think? Is she an eye model? What kind of model is sharing her story in hopes that others won't make her same mistake. How many people does she think? She's like, is she an eye model? What kind of model is she? Dan, you came up with, you just gave me the best idea ever for Dumb People Town, is that

we create a dumb Alexa. Her name is Brittany, and you ask her, Brittany, how tall is Ron Everett? She's like, about yay high. Or, I don't know. Or on the exhale, she goes, fuck I don't know. I didn't touch her. On the exhale, she goes, fuck shit, I know. Dumb Alexa. Oh, it's just Brittany.

Did you ask dumb Alexa? Brittany. Hey, dumb Alexa. Brittany. She's like, it's Brittany. It's Brittany. Hey, dumb Alexa. It's Brittany.

Yeah. How many miles is it from my house to New York City? All the way. That's the whole way. Go the whole way. City? All the way. That's the whole way. You have to go the whole way. That's the whole way. That's the whole way. Are you guys ready to see what Kat looks like with her fucked up eye tattoo?

Yep. Wait, okay. Could her name be anything but Kat? No. Oh, boy. Oh, that's not bad. What? Part of me feels like that's what she intended.

Let me be straight up. If you met a chick who had blue eyes, but the whites of her eyes were purple, you'd be like, dude, what's up? Let's go to heaven. I would walk away. In a post shared several thousand times on Facebook, Gallagher, hopefully related, who is from Ottawa, Ontario, explained how a recent attempt to tint the whites of her eye purple was nearly costing her her vision.

According to Gallagher, the artist did not dilute the ink, injected too much of it in her eye, and did not have enough injection sites on her eyeball. Injection sites on your eyeball. It's enough to make me never want to do it. I can't even put a contact in. You've signed up for it.

Do you call it a contact? Jay, you put a T on the end of that. Brittany, how do you say contact? Hey, dumb Alexa, how do you say contact? It's Brittany. How do you say contact? That's one of them glasses that go in your eye. That'll go to in your eye glasses.

A non-tits and sunglass? All this caused the eye... I'm going to stick a needle in my eye to get it to turn purple. All of this caused the eye to swell and the ink to seep out. Here, Jay, do you like this one better? Who? Oh, my God. Is that part of the tattoo?

Yeah, I think the purple's pretty cool. She has purple tears coming out of her face. Purple tears, purple tears. Definitely meant purple tears coming out of her face. Purple tears. Purple tears. Definitely meant to cause you a lot of trouble. So a purple teardrop in your face means you killed someone in magical prison? It means you killed a Care Bear. Yeah, you killed a Care Bear in prison.

Immediately after the procedure, Gallagher knew something was wrong. I would say something was wrong with her before the procedure even started. I would say you are looking to do something to fill a hole if you're sticking a needle in your eye. She is now the dumbest Gallagher in the world and I'm including Noel and Liam Gallagher and the comedian Gallagher and his brother.

I bet her mom was like, I told her not to get that purple. Your senses are an important thing. I said if you want me to cut a purple streak in your hair, I can put the purple in your hair. I used a one clipper on Ted Williams' ball sack. I just shaved the whole screen.

He was called the clipper, remember? He was called the... Joe DiMaggio was the Yankee clipper. Ted Williams was a different guy. He was the splendid splinter. This is why I took her off my cell phone plan Immediately after the procedure Gallagher knew something was wrong

She was rushed to her local hospital Where she received antibiotic eye drops For a week and a half The drops did not help the problem It caused the eye to swell completely shut The big problem is she's a dipshit You put a needle in your eye dummy Eye drops are not going to cure the fact That she makes terrible decisions The big problem is she's a dipshit. You put a needle in your eye, dummy.

Eye drops are not going to cure the fact that she makes terrible decisions. She will go back to... It's like cleaning out a hoarder's house. You know she's going to be filled with stuff. We fixed your eye. Now what are you going to do, dummy? I do want to say this. I bet she's on the cusp of something.

Because watch, they're going to come out with eye drops that can temporarily turn your whites like a different color. She might be on the cusp of something, just didn't know the way to get there. Silly puttying her way into this? Yeah, she asked Brittany how to do it instead of asking Alexa. Dumb Alexa, how do I get my eyes purple? You gotta stick a needle in it.

Steroid drops cause the injection to form a clump around her cornea area the daily mail reported gallagher is unable to see properly out of the injected eye no shit yeah she needs to see a specialist at the risk of becoming permanently blind okay basic quote basically the my feeling is that it's insane it can be done but it has no long-term testing for safety. You have to be nuts to do it, says ophthalmologist Dr. David Flug. By the way,

calling him Dr. David is a little bit... It's ophthalmology! I mean, honestly, he's here, so... Hey, David! Dr. Flug. Even Luna Cobra, the man credited with first making the procedure popular a little over 10 years ago. I thought Luna Cobra was the type of insurance she had.

You got a $15 copay. Hey, Dumb Alexa, what's my... It's Brittany. It's Brittany. What's my insurance? It's Luna Cobra. You got a $15 copay. Hey, Dumb Alexa.

It's Brittany. Hey, Dumb Alexa. It's Britney. Hey, dumb Alexa. It's Britney. Who beat the Karate Kid in the Karate Kid? Luna Cobra. Luna Cobra Kai? It's the Cobra Kai. So listen to this.

Luna Cobra, the man credited with first making the procedure popular a little over 10 years ago, agrees that it's unsafe. Quote, in fact, he's even working to help make it illegal. If the guy who invented it wants it to be illegal. Oh, my God. He's created a monster. Quote, in fact, he's even working to help make it illegal. If the guy who invented it wants it to be illegal, he's created a monster. Quote, he says, I've been trying to ban this. I think it's super important that this becomes illegal. You started it, man. He's like, you know how you do some really stupid shit in your 20s?

Yeah. No, no. His relationship with this procedure is everyone's relationship with their first tattoo. It was a good idea in the moment. Ten years later, it's a horrible call. I don't regret my first tattoo. It's a psilocybin mushroom

in the word slitsvites and it's a tramp stamp. He's not joking. And what does your son say to you when you're on the bike? It's a strawberry daddy. It's not a strawberry. Leave me alone. It's a mushroom that says what?

Slits bites. It's gnome for hello, goodbye, I love you. Why, Jay? What? Why? Why, Jay? Because I was connected, man. I was spiritual.

Where? To what? You know what your answer is for that? It's just me being me. It's me being me. It's me being me, baby. I can handle it. It is the dichotomy that is.

It was $6 at jlarsoncomedy.com. Check it out. Wait, so you got it. Where'd you get it? Where'd you get it? On my lower back. No, where? What are you, dumb Alexa?

In what town? Hey, it's Brittany. Hey, Brittany. Like, where? I got it done in LA. It's dumb Alexa. Did you really? How old were you?

I was 25. What? Doing a lot of weed. I was living in a condemned house, bro. Oh, here we go. I was living in a condemned house, bro. Oh, here we go. I was connecting with nature. Me, Kerouac, Ginsburg.

Right. And then who else? A mushroom tattoo on your lower back. And a mushroom tattoo. And you said, this is going to be great. Yeah. This is going to be something. This was before like tramp stamps had really become a thing, you know?

I thought I was going to do a whole lot. You know what? By the way, you getting that tattoo to me says you didn't believe you'd be alive at 30. I really didn't. You really did doubt. You really did say I really... You definitely didn't think you'd have kids that say that looks like a strawberry. No one's gonna see this. When you told the tattoo artist what you wanted,

did he look you in the eye and go, or should he look you in the eye and go, you living in a condemned house? They were down with it. Of course they were. Of course they were down with it because you were paying them 400 bucks to put it on your back. Listen, I don't regret the Halo tattoo

I got on the top of my back. You have a Halo tattoo? You have a Halo top tattoo? Halo or Hay-loo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Not the video game?

Nah, man. It's what is it? A Halo like an angel's halo? Yeah, like a halo. Where is it? On the top right up here. Why? Why is it not on the top of's halo? Yeah like a halo. Where is it? On the top right up here. Why?

Why is it not on the top of your head? You should have a halo underneath your hairline. What am I fucking hardcore?

Yes. I would say you are hardcore. If you ever go to prison people would be like this guy's a fucking saint. I'm an angel.

They're going to see you in prison and be like well this guy's a wild card. Why am I in prison all of a sudden?

I don't know. Stay away from the guy with the straw we'll get out of here this Gallagher says she's not sharing her story

to cause trouble so she's just like the 85 bears she's not here to cause no trouble which by the way that's a double negative so they were there

to cause trouble I don't even remember the 85 bears they're not here to cause no trouble shut your mouth who did they beat who did the bears

beat in 85 everybody except the dolphins wait who did they beat in the I don't remember what's the rest of the story wait who did they beat in the I don't remember what's the rest of the story it was like a team

that was an American team it was like Steve Grogan oh that team no Craig Morton who was the guy no it was Eason

Eason no it was Eason Tony Eason sat down though he did he Steve Grogan anyway I think it was the Patriots James

Andre Tippett she's telling people about her story to warn others who may be contemplating their own eyeball tattoo. What? All three of them? Who else?

I'm debating it. He's thinking about it hard. This guy's got a mushroom on it. Yellow? Come on, man. This guy's got a mushroom above his crack. You're in a thrilling video? He's ready.

She wrote, research who you get your procedures by as well as how the procedure should be properly done. No shit. Yeah. That goes for wisdom teeth. Here's your first moment of research. It should say, guy who created it trying to outlaw it, don't do it.

Exactly. Then that's the end of your research. I'm surprised you didn't add in stay in school kids. This is what I love. This is what they write. This is what we're getting on our last sentence. So she says, do a procedure research who's doing it

and whether or not they know how. The person who wrote this quote. Or you could just follow Cobra and Flug's advice and not get the procedure done at all in the first place. Cobra and Flug. Cobra and Flug to me

sounds like the greatest cop drama. Great cop drama that's never been had. It's the Rizzoli and Isles. It was like, I've done people tell. No, Rizzoli and Isles

and Cobra and Flug were both in the pipeline at the same time and then all of a sudden they're like, God, we need more ladies on TV. We need more ladies. It's going to be Rizzoli and Isles and Cobra and Flug were both in the pipeline at the same time. And then all of a sudden they're like, God, we need more ladies on TV. We need more ladies. It's got to be Rizzoli and Isles. It can't be Cobra and Flug. Cobra and Flug, you don't get it.

Although I'd love if they rebooted their idea of Cobra and Flug and made it women. Yeah. Why not? But they're both cops and one of them has a cobra around her neck the whole time. Yes. Now we mentioned, I can't believe the second season of Making a Murderer hasn't come out yet but I wonder if

Stephen Avery has a chance to do because you know sometimes you're in prison you get a chance to do work and what not

I wonder what his work detail is I wonder if he could get work as a snuggle buddy yeah in prison and if that's something

he would ever want to do he left us a voicemail because he heard this show he heard this we send out the show to certain people ahead of time. And he just weighed in

on a few notes on the edit. Just edited a few of, just made Jay Larson a little bit funnier. Yeah, he cut a few, cut a few things. It didn't land, but that's okay.

Just kidding. And Jay's like, what, what? Everything landed. No, and so he actually, well, anyway, let's listen to this voicemail he left us.

You have one new voice message. Yeah. Yeah. Do I just talk or? Okay, I guess I'm on one of them machines. Hey, Scarborough, I got a couple minutes left here on my card. I just wanted to say to you guys, you know, I hear there are people out there hiring,

and one of the big reasons I want to get a new trial is so I can get my conviction taken off. Otherwise, I could get past no background check, you know. I can't be a snuggle buddy, or I can't even be a crossing guard, you know. So I like to cuddle. I guess Jody, you know, she'd finish like a 20-pack ice house,

crawl in the bed, and I'd big spoon her, you know. She'd play with my goatee. We'd cut each other's hair. I want to get back to those days, you know? Like the good times. I got Ken Kratz here, lying to everybody. He looks like a cat ate a demon, you know? And everybody's trying to say I'm the bad guy.

I don't say I'm perfect or nothing. One time a cat bit me that I couldn't throw it over a fire, and I lost the bet. All right. I got to go find Monopoly piece. They don throw it over a fire and I lost the bet. All right. I got to go find Monopoly piece. They don't let me play unless I can find the iron. Wow. Oh, man.

Man, that's crazy. They don't even let him play unless he finds the iron. The other thing that could burn and kill a cat. Someone tells me he might be a good cuddle buddy. I don't know. Who knows? All right. I think he just wants the opportunity.

He can play find the iron with you, too. If you've learned a few things from this show, don't get a tattoo on your lower back. Don't get a tattoo... Or live your life. Or unless it's a mushroom that looks like a strawberry. Don't go for it. Don't make bets with a cat.

Don't poke your eye with a goddamn needle. There's no way that ends well. Cuddle whenever you can. And have a getaway plan. And the next time you cuddle with your partner, tell someone somewhere in Idaho they're paying $40 an hour for this shit. Right.

Exactly. $80 for a visit. So you better appreciate it. Appreciate what I'm doing here. And have a getaway plan if you rob a bank. The other two things are follow, three things. Follow Jay Larson, JayLarsonComedy on Twitter. Go to JayLarsonComedy.com.

Pick up the special. Me being me, it is a phenomenal special. Let's do it. We got 12 000 people to pop onto our facebook page yeah let's let's let's get double that to download jay's thing and be beautiful and one last thing i want to say for randy takes us out the best way always i love how in the show where we did skip over the fact in cuddle buddies where they talked about petting each other's hair we know how creepy that sounds people are gonna i guarantee people are gonna be

like they said hair petting and you guys didn't even that's. We know it's creepy. I guarantee people are going to be like, they said hair petting and you guys didn't even... That's Jay Larson's next tattoo on his shoulder is a person petting another person's hair. Can't be dumber than the halo. And I do want to say this. I did say rubbing sticks together near a forest. I don't want to be insensitive to the fires we're in right now.

And I want to say if anybody is in trouble, we are very sorry. We're thinking of you. And hopefully we got you through a little bit of a rough time with some comedy. This has been crazy, guys. You know what we've got to do right now?

We've got to get back to work. We've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.