Dumb People Town - Jeff Dye - The Meat Marauder

Episode Date: December 31, 2019

Jeff Dye joins Dan, Jason and Randy in Town and to kick off the show we have a Greenlee! In story one, a man is accused of sealing a variety of meats. In the second story a man tries to come to the rescue. In story three a man reveals an unlikely hiding place for a pair of tweezers. 

Star Pains, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population die. Jeffrey, die. That's pretty accurate. Dude, population die. It's Dumb People Town and we're so happy that you're with us. Thank you. Dude, we're such a fan of your stand up. That's nice of you.

You guys are smart guys and you talk about dumb people stuff. I'm a dumb guy. In a smart person. I don't know about that, my man. We have watched you do stand up and you might be playing the dumb card But you're playing it out of a smart hand You're playing it out of a smart deck

And maybe you will help Like us understand a perspective Of what's going on because we do believe That the world is getting dumber We talked about before we got on air Going to Vegas which is kind of like A dumb people like dream catch. It's like a dumb biodome. You know what I mean?

Dan knows. Dream catcher. It's just gonna, it's like, you know how sometimes... Like, property's cheap here, and we're so close to the strip. And we can gamble. No, you can't. Don't. We can gamble if you lose your house. If you live in Vegas, that should be the first rule. I think we can cross here.

No, you can cross the street there. You know who else saw it? You could cross there? Tupac. And be the first rule. I think we can cross here. No, you can't. I'll run straight there. You know who else saw it? You could cross there. Tupac. And then he did not. So we believe the world's getting dumber, and the only way to fight back is through comedy. So our awesome fans send us stories, and then the four of us break them down.

Now, the three of us have not heard the stories. Dan's cursely gone through it, like barely gone through it. So let's jump into the story. Okay, but I will just want to preface it. Sure. I've listened to your podcast heaps. Yeah? Yeah, like heaps and heaps.

Yeah. For a while now. And so I'm always like, who's getting these stories? So our fans find them. It's amazing. And they tweet at Dan and they, you know, how do you do it, Dan? Add David Van Kirk and then hashtag dumb people.

This is like when I'm like, oh, how do I get my animation? How do I get my stand-up animated? And then Joe Rogan's like, oh, fans just send it to me. I'm like, oh, how do I get my stand-up animated? And then Joe Rogan's like, oh, fans just send it to me. I was like, well, they just send it. You know, you've got fans just sending you stuff. Fans are just sent. How do you get fans?

You're like, Rogan, how did you get that last Tesla? And he's like, my fans just gave it to me. Some guy just gave me a Tesla. Just a fan of the podcast. I saw him yesterday. I was like, congratulations on owning the world. All right. You ready? Yeah. Okay.

This was sent in by Derek Shipley, at Derek Shipley, who I think he must have some sort of Google notification because he is the first person to be sending in a lot of these. And today. His Google notification is just stupid and it just comes to him. He's the guy that always gets the tickets.

He gets them right away. Yeah, he's the first caller. Even though he's not TSA PreCheck, and I know you go through this for flying Southwest Airlines, he's always like A31. You're like, how did he get A31? It doesn't make any sense. This guy's unreal.

You ready? Yes. We've got a Greenlee. Yes. Explain to Jeff Dye what a Greenlee is. No, I'm sure he doesn't. There's a man named Will Greenlee who writes for the TC Palm, the Treasure Coast Palm.

He does off-the-beat news, which is just strange news. And then, what's your guys' theory? He has a word. So here's the thing. So he writes these really dumb stories about stupid people in Florida doing dumb things. And then he over-explains things that we already know what they are. Like pants. Like he'll over-explain. In one story, he explained what an anchor is.

And we're like like how it works. In one story he wrote two full verses of the thong song just to let people know. That's not even what the story was about. He knows they're dumb. He knows they need that. Or he's got 1500 words to fill these stories only take like 900 so he's like

I gotta fill this. Shirts are those things you put your arms through. So you're already onto it so the game with this which is so much fun because we've done so many greenleafs

is Dan I add in some of my own over explanations and we have to guess which one and we have to guess what's a Dan and what's a greenleaf

sometimes he's not written any and I've written them all other times I haven't written any he's written them all there is no pattern. Suffice to say, Michael Che came on the show in Brooklyn when we did it at the Bell House.

And he's like, I got it. He's like, I got it. I figured it out. And then he proceeded to get the next three wrong. Oh, really? Dan was like, you have not figured it out. He thought he cracked the code. He thought he cracked the code.

There is no code. There is no Greenlee code. All right. Fort Pierce, Florida. Okay. A man wasn't accused of speaking in tongues. He was, however, accused of swiping three beef tongues. That is not a...

I love you, Will, but you went a long way to get there. Speaking in tongues and stealing three beef tongues. Not to mention two steaks, a rib roast, and other items. Did someone rip off an Omaha Steaks? What's happening? Then Will includes a picture that I think it's him. For a man that's this specific, he wrote, and three other items. Right?

Don't you need words? You're agreeing, right? Thank you, Jeff. Thank you. This picture. Oh, and other stuff. I'm going to read it to you. And other stuff.

As you get to look at it. Ready? This is a tongue. No, it's not is a tongue no it's not a beef tongue but a human tongue he put that in the article why that is will green that is will greenlee's face you think so yes why would he put his own tongue this is a tongue not it's not a beef tongue but he gives himself photo credit so now this goes back to what jeff die was saying which is he's writing this. He understands how dumb the world is.

And so he's like, I need to show this and explain to the people who are reading. Also, technically, that's a sext. Is that a sext? Can you do that? Also, wait, why would he introduce a man was not accused of speaking in tongues? That would confuse his listeners because now it's a third version of tongue. That's right. Okay, here we go. Ready? Also, that is technically a beef

tongue. You're right. It's like a human tongue. It's not a cow tongue. It's made of meat. I'm sure cannibals have eaten tongue. That's a beef tongue. Man tongue. Yeah, it is a beef tongue. Man tongue is my favorite shock jock from Chicago. Long may he reign.

The case of the alleged meat marauder went down October 24th at a Publix in the 2500 block of South US 1 in Fort Pierce. An arrest affidavit says. Exact address. How bad is the meat at a Publix? Like how...

Publix is good, right? Have you been down to Florida? I perform in Florida a lot. It's like 10 different states. Have you done Key West? Have any of you guys done Key West? I'm doing it soon. I want to.

It's supposed to be a fun club down there. Do it before it's... Money's horrible, but it's... Do it before it's underwater. Do it before it's gone. We're trying to book things on the other ends of it because we're like, we can't fly there. Do Tampa, Orlando, and Jacksonville. That's what we're going to do, like West Palm and...

But anyways. All right. Hillbilly Coast. Hillbilly Riviera. A loss prevention worker told Fort Pierce police she saw the man with the shopping cart with two subs and two drinks. He also had an empty backpack. She said the man went to the deli ordering two packages of lunch meat, which is meat

eaten for lunch, and then put them in the cart. Who wanted you to know? That lunch which is meat eaten for lunch, and then put them in the cart. Who wanted you to know that lunch meat is meat eaten for lunch? Was that Dan or was that Greenlee? What do you think, Jeff? I'm going to not like Dan if I think, if you wrote that. I don't want you to have written that. So you're going to say it's a Greenlee? I'm going to say it's a Greenlee.

All right, Jay. I think it's Dan. I think it's a Greenlee. Okay. The person who said she went to the meat deli ordering two packages of lunch meat, which is meat eaten for lunch, and put them in the cart was... Play along, Townies. Will Greenlee.

No! Jeff and I. You're better than that. That's the thing. From the meat department, he selected two steaks, a rib roast, and three beef tongues and placed them in the cart, the affidavit states. A shopping cart is commonly a metal basket on four wheels used for carrying items while shopping. That's money.

I like this one. Who's that? Who do you think that is? I still think that's a greenling. Okay, Jay? That's Dan. I think that's Dan, too. If Will Greenlee did this.

A rib roast and three beef tongs And place them in the cart The affidavit states A shopping cart is commonly a metal basket On four wheels used for carrying items While shopping I want to start writing like it The answer is

Me I knew it I still don't know how I knew it But I still don't know how I knew it A But I still don't know how I knew it. Yeah, you're doing great. A steak is a slice of meat, often cow, but sometimes fish, such as salmon. Who said that? That's a Greenlee, too.

That's Greenlee. That's Greenlee. The person who wrote that? Will Greenlee. Yeah! Yeah, we're on a roll. That differs from a rib roast. A roll is a...

Just kidding. That differs from a rib roast, which is a cut of beef taken from the small end of the ribs and containing a large ribeye or two more ribs. Or two or more ribs. That's Will Greenlee. Okay. I'd hate to go all Greenlee, but I'm doing Greenlee again. Okay.

I think that's Dan. Okay. The person who wants you to know that a steak is different from a rib roast, which is a cut of beef taken from the small end of the ribs and containing a large ribeye or two or more ribs is Will Greenlee. Jeff's on

such a roll. A cow has 13 ribs on each side, with butchers referring to them in ascending order from front to back, according to Cook's Illustrated. Ribs 1 through 5 are in the chuck section, while 6 through 12 are the rib area. This is an article.

And the 13th is a portion of the loin. Who wanted you to know the breakdown of ribs inside a cow? Who do you think? This is the best game. It's so hard. Like, the fact that we've played this game so much and I've never been more lost. No clue. No clue.

As a human. Yeah. Yeah, Jeff, we play this all the time. You may be even better than this because we're in our heads so much on this. While you think, Jeff, I'll remind you guys. I tweeted this out. That was when we were recording yesterday. I came across to Greenlee.

So insane. I'm saving it for San Francisco, which did not make my day easier as I put together all the shows. I know, because you knew you had that one in the chamber. But I was like, this will wait for the live. The San Francisco live show at the Marines Memorial Theater is going to be amazing. January 17th, Ted Leo and Amy Mann. It's not very often I pull a story a month ahead of time. It's worth it.

Amy Mann will be on that show. I know, just put it in that. Who wants you to know the amount of ribs, where they reside inside a cow? I think that's also a green light because what a tremendous amount of research you would have had to have done to come up with that. Dan does the research. Jay, what do you think it is? I've said Dan twice in a row and been wrong.

Yeah. I'm going to say Dan. Okay. I'm going to say Dan again. Okay. The person who wants you to know that a cow has 13 ribs, one through five are in the chuck section, while six through 12 are in the rib area, and the 13th is a portion of the loin.

The person who wants you to know that is Will Greenling. Oh! Jeff Dye is on fire right now. You're going to Vegas? Except that metal basket. You better start gambling when you get there. Jeff Jackpot Dye. Believe in yourself.

You are on a roll, dude. Believe in yourself. An entire seven rib roast can weigh as much as 22 pounds. Butchers many times separate the roast into two smaller roasts known as the first cut and the second cut. First cut is the deepest. Wait, wait. What are we?

Do you even remember what the story is? A guy stole meat. A beef tongue is not a human tongue. But how far have we gotten from that? We've gone so far from the topic. An empty backpack is what the kid was holding. That's what it should say. A backpack that doesn't have anything in it.

A backpack is worn on your back. Jeff, who do you think said that last one? I think that last one's you. Okay. It's the first time I'm picking you. Okay. I think it's Dan, too. I'm going to stay with that.

Okay. I think it's Dan. Okay. The person who wants you to know that an entire seven rib roast can weigh 22 pounds and butchers cut them into two smaller roasts known as the first and second cut is... Will Greenleaf. Oh my God! What is he doing?

Dan, you are so in our heads. What is he doing in this article? I blame Dan. One is some of them better than the others. I blame Dan. Dan, he's so in our heads. Dan, you are working it so hard. Meanwhile, the man got some milk and proceeded along aisle 13, where he's accused of loading the items into the backpack, a bag with shoulder straps that allows items to be carried on one's back.

That is Dan. I say Dan, too. I mean, I don't even believe in, like, anything anymore. How much you're messing with my brain. He's lost his humanity. We've lost, it's like this. I think that's Dan. Okay. If you're flying in the fog and you

just don't know where the shore is, we've lost it. We've lost the shore. Meanwhile, the man got some milk and proceeded along aisle 13 where he's accused of loading all the items in the backpack, a bag with shoulder straps that allows items to be carried on one's back. The person who wants you to know what a backpack is

is me. Yeah! You know why I thought that was you? Because I think Will, if you were writing it, would have added more words. I think it would have been like, a backpack also known as a satchel. But he didn't on lunch meat,

remember? He was like, lunch meat. Something to eat at lunch. Yeah, which was too quickie. I'll eat it any goddamn time I want. I finally figured this out. We have to do a show in Florida. This happens with every guest. You, and by you, I mean the proverbial guest, and then the two of you.

We try to come up with the facts. You guys play the Greenlee game as though you're playing craps. And when it hits yo, and it's not 11, we go nuts. We're back in it. You talk as though you're standing around a craps table.

Alright, alright. You know why? Because his writing is crap. Alright, continue. I'll look for a reason to celebrate anything. I love you. Investigators said he bought the milk but neglected to pay how much for the other goods. I'm going to let you guys take a guess.

We'll run it down. What he stole. Yeah. Three tongue. Yeah. I'm bad at this game. He stole two steaks, a rib roast, other items, and three beef tongues. As Jeff pointed out, other items.

Could have specified. Personally, why are you being vague if you're agreeing? I know. I love that Jeff's on it. Wait, why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free? If you can steal the cow for free. All right, so if you can steal the rib roast for free, how much do you think it all costs?

I'm so bad at these games. When it comes to guessing how much stuff costs. You got some steaks. You got three beef tongues. You got a rib roast and some other items. I'd say $45. That's a good guess, Jason. I'm going to say $76.

$76 from Jason Sklar. I'm going to say $59. Okay. The total amount, just a fun little side game, was play along, townies. Yell at your cubicle mate. This is, I love this. Yell at your work wife. So this is my favorite part of this.

I think of just, and people have tweeted us that they do this at their office. Or on the subway. The subway, the office, or there's just someone. Just random people everywhere who are listening to this at some point are like, 48! In fact, if you run in the office, go out, ask everybody. Don't even give them context. Be like, how much money do you think the guy stole? Whoever gets closest gets to go home early.

Or a promotion. That's a great idea. A promotion. The older I get, the more I'll talk out loud. I'll be on the train in New York and something will be funny on a podcast and I'll be like,

yes. And people are like, what? But I don't, it doesn't bother me that they just heard me say yes. The amount of people who listen to the show that are like,

37! Yeah, just right there. At Starbucks. If you're out anywhere and you hear someone yell at another, you'd just be like, don't be able to hear.

Investigator said he bought the milk but neglected to pay the amount of, this is for the other goods, $162.89. I knew it. I was still way short, but I was higher than you guys. You said 45. I was 45. I think of these small towns, maybe Crabs Cheap or something.

Jay, you were less than half of what he did. I still was better than you guys. Yeah, you took the over. Whatever. Don't gloat. It is not known whether the milk was from a cow or from a goat. It could also have been almond milk after the United States Court of Appeals dismissed a class action lawsuit against the makers of Blue Diamond almond milk in 2019, ruling that its milk label does not violate federal law blue diamond resorts yeah uh blue diamond phillips blue diamond blue diamond i love blue diamond phillips in

obama it was amazing and stand and deliver sure who wants you to know that it could have been cows goat or almond milk based on a 2019 ruling as Why did he even add that? It could have also been almond water. It could have been coconut water. It could have been breast milk. What do you think? I think that's a Greenlee for sure. I think that's a Greenlee.

That's Dan. Okay. The person who wants to know that it could have been almond milk after the United States Court of Appeals dismissed a class action lawsuit against the makers of Blue Diamond almond milk in 2019, ruling that its, quote, milk label doesn't violate federal law is me. I wanted to switch. I was like, I don't know, maybe. Damn, that's a good fact.

You saw two milks, and then you go, maybe I'll pop in this one, and then add them back to it. You are... Dan, that one... You're like a copycat killer, Dan. I was going to it. Dan, that one could- You're like a copycat killer, Dan. I was going to say, that specific one could destroy me for all future confidence. Yeah, but also, I think you're in the mind of Greenlee, like, oh, here's something he might-

Oh, yeah. I have to. Dan is so up in Greenlee's cranium. I'm just saying, that one is going to mess me up for a long time. My hope when I add these is that he hears this is like oh i could have i should be more specific because he loves a good deep aside something yeah he loves it like also side note we didn't tell you he's one of the people who broke open the robert craft like sex story i hated that

story he was a stringer down there and he like up. The man was arrested on a misdemeanor larceny charge and taken to the St. Lucie County Jail. If you want, we can get out on how old do you think the man is. Yeah, let's do that. Who is a guy at a grocery store with a backpack stealing beef tongues, steaks, other items? I want to say he's 15 is what I would say. He's got an empty backpack.

What the heck's going on? Say 15. I'll say he's 17. 17. Jay? Wait, was he arrested? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to go 22.

Okay, good. I'm going to say he is 63, and he's- I just want my meat. It's like the jinx. It's like when you see a 78-year-old. He's three days into keto. Robert. Yeah.

I don't know. No, he has very light, very high jeans and wide, wide jeans. No, he's like a 78-year-old guy who still wears cargo shorts. You're like, stop doing it. 63. Okay, 63. I think he's, yeah, I think he's 42. 42?

Okay. 15, 63. Young, middle-aged, and old. I know, we're covering it all. 17. One of you is exactly right. Oh my god! Oh my god! Alright, so we get to play this game. We get to play another game. Who do you think is right?

Yes, you can go first, take your third. You pick in the slot where you want to go. I'll go last because it's screwed me to go early. I guess 45 bucks and he wins with 70. I'm betting that it's me, 63. Okay. I think that it's me, 42. Jeff, who do you think is right?

You can stand by your- I think it's him. You think it's me? I think it's Randy. Okay, 42. Because that sounds right. After you said it, I was like, eh. That's the beauty of this. You better not have been right.

My dad would steal a beef tongue. The man who is speaking in tongues or not speaking in tongues, rather, but swiping beef tongues along with two steaks, a rib roast, which we learned a lot about, other items. Wait, why didn't I pick myself? Paid for milk. Because then I'd win twice if I win.

I know. Paid for milk. You can switch. But we don't know Paid for milk. Because then I'd win twice if I win. I know. Paid for milk. You can switch. But we don't know which kind of milk. I'm picking me. You're picking you. Switch back to him. The roulette wheel is still going. The ball's still going. You can move it. Oh, I was right on, but then I picked you as being right on. So I win

and lose, but I'm going to win-win. Or lose-lose. He also paid for his milk. We don't know what kind it was. We know it's not almond. And the loss prevention officer who caught his ass found out that the man is, play along, Townies,

because he is 42 years old. Oh my god! You should have stayed. You could have had a piece. I didn't want to win. You initially guessed correctly.

So your first instinct is, your second instinct is right. Your first instinct was the wrong age. Your third instinct was also wrong. So just stay on the even instincts right there. Don't jump around. Jeff dies with us. That's one story down in the books when we come back. We're going to hear about all the great stuff that's going on with him. This is Dumb People Town.

Stay with us stick around make it sound for more Dumb People Town hey guys welcome back to DPT we did mention it we want to see you guys

out there a couple live things we want to tell you about we are taking this show on the road and doing theaters big theaters in cities that when the dumb comes down in the city on the road and doing theaters big theaters in cities that

when the dumb comes down in the city on the bay you better fucking be there you better be there so we're going to be in San Francisco on January 17th that's a Friday night

730 at the Marines Memorial Theater that's like a five or six hundred seat theater shake that post-holiday work week off Amy Mann and Ted Leo

our first guest we're working on more guests it's going to be an epic show if you want to see them play some music and also participate and we'll be just one of the greatest

Queen Lees ever do you want to go to a Ted Leo and Amy Mann concert and then hear some comedy that's also Dumb People Town they come to that and then also we're going to be in

Minneapolis Milwaukee and St. Louis on March 19th, 20th and 21st and then on June 18th, 19th, 20th, and 21st. And then on June 18th, 19th, and 20th, I believe. We'll be in Vancouver at the Rio Theater, and then Seattle at Washington Hall, and then the 20th we'll be at the Aladdin Theater. And all the links for all those tickets, you can go to the Facebook page. It's pinned. It's right there at the top.

I think we might not have the link yet for either Seattle or Portland. Maybe Seattle. We'll get it out there. But as soon as we get it, it'll be up there. And a legendary Greenlee. A legendary Greenlee. I should have moved some tickets right there. One you save. Exactly.

Go to DanielVanKirk.com to see all of his live stand-up dates. Supersclars.com for us and JeffDye.com. D-Y-E. As in like Jermaineaine die exactly so what else is going on where can people see you i know people can see you on the tvs as well um we're on hiatus for my show on nbc which is fine but uh i'm also i might be doing a new fox project so i spent the

last like year making fun of singing shows like one of my new bits just making fun of how stupid singing shows are the mass singer and then my agent's like, hey, we got a singing show for you. And I was like, oh no. Should I take that down? Should I host? No, I'll be like one of the celebrity panels. Great. Do it. You gotta do it. It'll be fun. What's the NBC show? Explain people so they know. Oh yeah, so it's me,

William Shatner, Henry Winkler, Terry Bradshaw, and George Foreman, and we travel the world. That's so great. Yeah, it's fun. Love it. Phenomenal. How is Bradshaw's rickets? No, he's got... Shingles. How are they? Bothering him still?

He hasn't had it forever. Okay, good. But he had it. He did have it. I worry about him. He seems super fun. Terry Bradshaw seems super fun. He's the funnest guy.

How about George Foreman? Is he always trying to grill shit for you? No. He's not. I love him. I like that he was in the most legendary sporting event in the history of sports. The rumble in the jungle, dude.

And lost. We remember the grill. I remember. So, Annie won. Annie won as like a 40, 42. When Ali couldn't talk anymore, George Foreman was winning. I still punch good.

Yeah. I still name kids good. No, you don't. You name two of them George. All of them George. All of them George. But he's an amazing dude. That is so cool.

That's fun. Can people see old episodes? I'm assuming on Hulu and on the Peacock, I'm sure, which is NBC's streaming thing. Fantastic. So happy you got it. Because not only if you haven't seen Jeff Dye Do Stand Up, go do that.

Go do that. Someone just said they were hanging. Who told us they were hanging with you? They were like, I'm hanging with Jeff Dye, or I just saw Jeff Dye. And I was like, tell them you're friends of ours. God, they just saw you somewhere, and they loved it so much. Oh, that's nice. Were you on the East Coast recently, or no?

I'm somewhere every weekend. I'm a club comic for life okay and even if like I want to become like the like it no matter if it stays this level gets lower gets higher for my career like I want to always be clubs great yeah I think that's where you I think it'd be harder we've seen you do stuff in LA it is but we've seen you in LA and just that intimacy that you you connect great really well with the audience so it's not that you can't do that in a theater. It's just a different animal. Yeah. And also, wouldn't it be better to have the ticket that's hard to get?

Like, what if someone was just like, whoa, you got Sklar Brothers tickets? Like, how'd you get that? As opposed to like in a theater. I got two Jeff Dyes. I got two Jeff Dyes. As opposed to like in a theater, they're going to be like, dude, Sklars, we sold 5,000 seats, but you got 3,000 empty. Oh, God.

You know, like this site, 8,000, and you only sold 5,000. He's making me feel better about being in clubs. Clubs are great, man. I love that. So let's jump into another story. We've got one right now. But again, jeffdye.com if you want to see him, and then go see the show where you travel the world with Bradshaw Foreman.

And I wish he was like, Bradshaw Foreman. Who else do we want on that show? Oh, yeah. Shatner, Bradshaw Foreman. John Tesh. Tesh would be great. Tesh would be great in there. You know who that show? Shatner, Bradshaw, Foreman, John Tesh. Tesh would be great. Tesh would be great in there. You know who I wanted? Hulk Hogan, Ken Griffey Jr.

Kenny G. What if Kenny G was in there with you guys? Mark Grace. Malcolm Jamal Warner. Gracie. Oh, dude. Malcolm Jamal Warner. Felicia Rashad.

Carl Everett. Carl Lewis. Just breaking coffee tables over people's faces. Charles Oakley. Oh, my God. Oakley just choking bitches at restaurants. I Everett. Carl Lewis. Just breaking coffee tables over people's faces. Charles Oakley. Oh, my God. Oakley just choking bitches at restaurants. I love it. All right, so let's go to our first choice.

Are you ready for a choice? It's pretty well. This was sent in by Gillen. Rhymes with villain, thrilling, penicillin. At Gil Dozer. I love it. Gillen wants people to get that name right. Was that a green light?

I know, right? That's a real person's Twitter handle. You want to hear the headline? Man arrested after breaking into store to save mannequins which is the plot of a great what a sweetheart right i know i had to an andrew mccarthy it's a new andrew mccarthy project you know okay ready yeah mont hardcastle is used to seeing interesting things in his line of work wait Wait, the guy's name is Mont? I know. When I first read it, too, I was like, is the place?

Mount Hardcastle? No, Mont, like Monty. What? Mont. Mont Hardcastle. What race or what nationality is Mont? He is. Mont.

Mont Hardcastle seems- Sturgis? It's a motorcycle. Dan, Mont Hardcastle seems like the rich husband who doesn't pay enough attention to his wife before she hooks up with the gardener in a romance. No, Mont Hardcastle is the guy you hire to find a missing person. Look at Mont. He is like- Everything we want him to be and more.

I'm going to tell you two things by looking at him. No sleeves. You could tell that he's like- He owns a tuxedo with no sleeves You could tell he's friendly But has also stabbed somebody Oh my god That's exactly what I thought

I pictured a black guy That's why I didn't say anything Because I was like I don't want to sound He looks like MC Ganey Our buddy who was on Lost He's been in a tough man competition Is that an MC Ganey kid? buddy who was on Lost. Oh, Mont. Let me see him again. He's been in a tough man competition. Is that an MC Ganey? That guy looks like a guy with a Harley Davidson,

and he thinks he's tough with the leather vest and all that, but he's actually kind of a sweetheart. That's what I'm saying. He's nice to his wife. He's friendly. He will give you the best hug ever. Mont Hardcastle. Always has a knife you can borrow.

Always. On him. He's good at finding really political Republican memes For his Facebook Boot knife Right Boot knife Mont He's the manager

Of Marty Bird's Bar and Grill Of course he is He's the manager The manager What bar does he own Does he own a manager No I manage it

All bars need a bouncer And a bartender Right You don't need a manager And the bartender Might be the owner Or like Yeah it's like

Everybody wears different hats You don't need a manager Unless it the bartender might be the owner. Yeah, it's like everybody wears different hats. You don't need a manager unless it's a restaurant. Mont worked his way up. He definitely climbed the ladder. I used to bus here. I used to run food. I used to expedite. I earned it.

Okay, where was I? Sorry, I'm pulling this up here. Mont Hardcastle. Mont. Saturday night, Hardcastle saw something new across the street. Not odd. New. That's new.

My eyes ain't seen this. That there's new. That's new. What in the tarnation? Well, that's new. Right. Right? Yeah, that's new.

Okay. Hey, come over here. Something new. Two girls was kissing over there. Yeah. That's new. that's new. Okay. Hey, come over here. Something new. Two girls was kissing over there. That's new. That's new. Quote, it was suspicious to me in the way he was acting, running around in front of the boutique, yelling and screaming and banging on the windows. That's new.

Look, maybe he thought he was in the Astros dugout and someone was throwing breaking balls. That's right. He had to give a sign. Tip the pitch. The boutique named, it's MI, but I think it's My Dream Angels. Or Michigan Dream Angels. Is an adult store. It has several displays in the windows, including mannequins wearing different styles of lingerie.

And they're dressed as damsels in distress, I think. Me dream angels. Need to be saved. He said that the mannequins were telling him that they needed to be let out or something. He believed they were being sex trafficked. The mannequins? Yes. I told you he's a hero.

The mannequins. The man identified now as James. These aren't sex dolls. Right. No. The man identified as James Isaac Short, Jimmy Short, if you're friends with him. Jimmy Too Short. Right.

Jimmy Short, which also sounds like his nickname. Right. It sounds like one. Jimmy Tall or Jimmy Short? It's Jimmy Short. It's a mob guy name. Yeah. Exactly.

Remember there was Linda Long? You owe Jimmy Short money, you owe me money. We worked at a restaurant called The Eggery in St. Louis where we bussed tables and there was a waitress named Linda Long and then there was another waitress named Linda Short. No, no. Her name wasn't Short. They just called her Linda Short because she wasn't Linda Long. Really? Linda Long

and then we were like, is it Linda? We've got to run this out to Linda's table. Well, which table is it? Is it Linda Long or Linda Short? It's Linda Short. Alright, fine. Ask Mont Hardcastle what the hell's going on. He's managing the sport. Jimmy Short. Mont Hardcastle.

If that's what... I mean, it's Monty, right? I don't know. It has to be. It has to be. But if you're Mont Hardcastle, your name dictates where your life's going to go. Sure. You're either going to be an extra in Magic Mike. Or manage a dive bar.

Right. Or manage a dive bar. You're definitely not going to be a priest. You know what I mean? No. But you could be like a bad ass personal injury lawyer. You're not going to be an ice skater. I'll tell you that.

Hardcastle and Carmen. You're not going to be like an adjunct. Hardcastle and McCormick. You won't be an adjunct professor. Also, I can't get over that I really do believe he's a sweetheart. I agree with you. Because he watched a man do a crazy thing and he goes, that's new. He didn't judge it.

There was no judgment in that's new. That's why I love this guy. He is like crunch. No judgment. He's like Planet Fitness. I think Hardcastle should be the protector of Dumb People Town. He should be the manager.

Don't be so hard on him, boys. Be careful. Let it happen. Jimmy Short then tried to break into the shop. Hardcastle says he watched him try the door several times and you know he's like, not open! They're not open! You know it's

locked. You checked it six times prior. And he's got the cigarette in his mouth. Not open! He lights it. Not open. Not he's got the cigarette in his mouth. No, no. He lights it. No, no, no. Jimmy Short. On the out. I love you so much. Then Jimmy Short jumped onto the bench.

There's a bench in front of the adult shop. And kicked the glass window until it shattered. Nice. That is a pro karate move. Yeah. To go off the bench, that's like a BJ, I'm going to get very specific on UFC, that's a BJ Penn run up the side of the UFC cage and then kick it. Bo Jackson style.

Yeah, he ran up the wall. He essentially used leverage from a bench to fly and kick it. Also, I've seen those WTO riot videos and stuff where people are throwing full street steel trash cans through Starbucks and they don't break. How's he kicking through this? He's unbelievable. How has ESPN not done a Bo Jackson horseman? Joke?

This is SportsCenter. We need to do it. Done. Probably because they're sports journalists who think they're funny and not good comedians who are actually funny. There you go. Thank you. You said a mouthful there, Jeff Dye. Mont Hartcastle. I told my bartender to call the police.

Let them know I'm going to be over there holding this guy for him and that it wasn't a fight. I love this guy. Let him know it's not a fight. My knee's just going to be in his back and his face is going to be on the ground. He will not be breathing for 27 seconds. Mont Howard Castle.

Tell the cops I'm going to be over there. Holding him for him. Dealing with something new. Hey, whose bartender is that? Is that the bar's bartender? Yes. Is it the bar's bartender? Marty Bird's.

Well, whose is it? Is it the bar's, or is it yours, Mont Howard Castle? My bartender. What city is this? I want to meet Mont. So do I. I told my bartender to call the police. My bartender. What city is this? I want to meet Mont. So do I. I told my bartender to call the police. My bartender.

Let them know I'm going to be over there holding this guy for them, that it wasn't a fight, Hardcastle says. So the guy who says, that's my bartender, is like the waiter who comes over and says, look, I got a filet for you tonight. You got it? You do? I thought the restaurant has it. No, you got it. You got it? You do? I thought the restaurant has it. No, you got it.

You got it. I've had fun. And I got a delicious brand. You don't got it. I got pancakes for somebody. What are we having? What are we having? Dan likes the waiter or waitress who turns the chair around, sits down at the table

and says, what are we having? I'm the cool one. What are we having? We're having something. Right now we're having a bad moment. We have a problem. That's what we have. I'm going to soon need the manager. We are about to have family dinner. I'll tell my bartender to call.

You know what my favorite one is? Empty plate, walk up. Hated it, huh? Jesus Christ. The worst. Sorry we didn't like our it, huh? Oh, Jesus Christ. The worst. Sorry, we didn't like our food, right? Right? I don't want to go off on a tangent too far, but what is people's enthusiasm with fajitas?

Like when it walks by, my mom can't handle herself. The sizzling nature. And my mom's like, ooh, you've seen fajitas, mom. You know how smoke works. Fajitas have fixed it. You know how smoke works. Every restaurant has figured it out. Two ounces of meat, 17 ounces of veggies. Yes.

And you're like, 18 bucks? Yeah. Sure. Why not? And if you leave the tails on that goddamn shrimp, I'm going to lose my mind. We cut up 18 peppers for this thing. Sliced them up. All you needed was one.

All you needed was one. Take the tails off. I'm not going to burn my fingers. Do we feel like dessert? How are we feeling? When we were busboys, I would say if someone ate everything off their plate, I would, as I'm taking the plate, you want me to wrap that

up for you? That's a good joke. Now see, I have a restaurant joke I like. But it comes from, I believe, the documentary comedian from Seinfeld. When I say to somebody, I'm like, can I have a root beer? Oh, I did this. And they're like, we actually don't have a root beer.

I'm like, you know what? Let's forget it. And I once had a three-minute conversation with this poor guy in Boston who was like, well, we don't have it. I was like, you know what? Then I don't want it. He goes, you can't. You cannot want it.

I go, you know what? That makes it better, though. Let's not do it, then. And I kept... It's the restaurant conversation. Okay, then take it off the bill. Isn't it the best? Yeah, yeah.

It's the restaurant conversation of you're fired, I quit. Right. That's essentially it. Exactly. All right, let's get this. Okay. Tell the cops it wasn't a fight, Hardcastle said. Quote, it turned into a little bit of a fight.

But it wasn't that way. Which means it turned into a lot of a fight. But it wasn't that way. Which means it turned into a lot of a fight. I'm going to read the whole quote. But it wasn't that way. So Cargastle tells his bartender, I'm going to go hold this guy down. Tell the cops that we're not fighting. We're holding them for him.

Because I don't want to be implicated in a public assault. I'm doing their job for them. And then he goes over there and it's a fight. Right. This is the full quote. It's like a wrestling match. Kick through a glass thing.

I told my bartender to call the police, let them know that I'm going to be over there holding this guy for them, that it wasn't a fight. It turned into a little bit of a fight. Which means it turned that way. It turned into a lot of a fight. I think he said, but it wasn't that way because there was no punches and stuff. It was like a big wrestling match. A lot of moving around.

The guy's holding mannequins and he's holding him. Hard Castle says short. Hard Castle and short. Hard Castle and short. It's the new Hard Castle and McCormick. Hard Castle is short, says short, was halfway into the store when he pulled him out. And you know it was by his pants. Nope.

Come on. Hey, you're coming with me. I had him down on the ground and all he was doing was trying to mule kick me in the back while I was on top of him. That does not work. That doesn't even make sense. No, Dan didn't. His face is on the ground, and he's trying to kick back with his donkey kick. I know, but Hardcastle's on top of him.

He could be trying to fling his own leg back, like a scorpion. A mule kick is straight behind him. Yeah, right. A mule kick is straight behind, but he's trying to bend his knee back. Jeff is right. That Like a scorpion. A mule kick is straight behind. Yeah, right. A mule kick is straight behind, but he's trying to bend his knee back. Jeff is right. That's a scorpion move. Yeah.

Scorpion kick. Straight scorpion. Trying to scorpion him in the head. That's hard to do. Flexible guy. Here's what I love, too. This sentence alone, if we had said nothing else

other than this next one. So Hardcastle says he was trying to kick me in the back while I was on top of him. Next sentence. Two women then came over and sat on short's legs until police arrived. Just two random women? By the way, they're sad top of him. Next sentence. Two women then came over and sat on Short's legs until police arrived.

Just two random women sat on his legs? Hey, gals. There are websites for that. Like people's fantasies. I also, I guess maybe it's my fault I pictured this at like 1 a.m. Yeah, I know. Two women just showed up. I'll help.

Sit on my legs while he punches me in the back. You need help? We'll sit on his legs. I'll help, Mont. Hallelujah. According to court documents, Short caused well over $1,000 in damage destroying a window, lighting, and a security camera. He doesn't like to be

watched. The owner of the shop told the news, Andrew Havernack, that's who she told the reporter, I guess, that she didn't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. The owner? Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. Guys. The owner?

Yeah. She's like, we are a sex. I don't want to talk about it. We're a sex store. What happens here stays here. I respect my clients. This guy was not one of your clients. I wonder if the guy thought for real, and I'm not the guy on the ground, thought that the two women were two of the mannequins who came.

Probably. Came to fight his fight. I was coming to help you, gal. Yay. Right. I was trying to release you. Maybe the lady sounds like she's got something to hide. I know.

Right? Maybe those mannequins were being sex trafficked. Right? Hardcastle. Hardcastle, get on it. Conspiracy. Hardcastle says with his background in security, to the surprise of nobody.

Hey, we just asked you how old you are. Yeah, I got a background in security. You can tell. He should have a tattoo that says, I keep people away from the stage. Yeah. Because you know he has. Well, and also his background in security

is probably just he used to be security at the bar he now manages. Right, exactly. He was the door guy. A back quote background. He has a bumper sticker that says, ask me about my citizen's arrests. Due to his background in security, he had to do something.

Quote, it's somebody's business, Hardcastle says. I love this guy. I'm not the type of person to stand idly by and watch something happen. Man of action. He's Hardcastle. He's a man of action. Jimmy Short is in the Miller County Jail facing property damage and burglary charges. We will get out of here on this.

It's a game we get to play every once in a while. Whose home state did this happen in? Are you from Washington? I'm from Washington State. So Washington State. I made sure I knew. So it's either Dan's from Illinois, we're from Missouri, and you're from Washington State.

So is it Illinois? You can go first, Tig, or third. Where do you want to go? Washington. Does this feel like a meth-y Spokane thing? What do you? I don't think it's Washington. Okay.

I do think, I don't think it's Washington. Okay. I do think... I don't know much about Missouri. Yeah. But it could happen in a lot of those outskirts of Illinois. I'm going to say Illinois. Illinois. Jay? I think it's Washington.

I think it's Washington, too. Okay. This feels like Spokane. I'm sorry. Because sex stores... There aren't a lot of sex stores in Missouri. The Bible Belt kind of cuts those out. Play along, townies. We will leave

you on this because Mont Hardcastle is taking care of all the new problems in the beautiful state of, and city, I'll say them both, of Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. Oh!

What? That's some Ozark action right there. We've been to the Ozarks. That is amazing. And if you look back at Hardcastle's t-shirt, you will see it says Lake of the Ozarks. Oh, man. Should have paid more attention. He's even proud of where he's from.

All right, dude. That's our home state. That's unreal. Coming to you from KSPR in Missouri. Thank you. Dan, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to see in the last story? It's gross. Okay. Jeff Dye's with us. Get ready for a gross story on to see in the last story? It's gross. Okay.

Jeff Dye's with us. Get ready for a gross story on the other side of this. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go nowhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to DPT. I want to remind people, hey, holidays are upon us. If you want to get a great not very expensive gift for your podcast loving fan, go to FluffyCrate.com and you can get all of the Dumb People Town stuff. Type in Sklar. It's all underneath that.

Or Sklar Bro Country. Hook it up. It's something that your podcast loving Dumb People Town townie will love you for. Join our Patreon. That's another way to support the show and get extra content. We do extra shows just for you and all that stuff. Give your aunt who loves a good afternoon wine the 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking.

It's a great shirt. It's a great shirt. God bless her. All right, let's jump into the last story with Jeff Dye. Here we go. Sent in by Josette Covington at Pure Josie. Thanks, Pure Josie. Okay.

That's Pure Josie right there. A man made the world wince after revealing that a three- This is gross, and I'm telling you one last time that you can get away from this story if you want to. Stop eating wherever you are. I've tried. Put the spaghetti down. Made the world wince after revealing that a three-inch pair of tweezers was lodged in his urethra. Yowza.

For how long? Okay, so Dan, you know that I had a kidney stone. Mm-hmm. 11, 12 years ago. I thought you were going to say you know that I have a tweezer issue. I have tweezers in there right now. No, I had a kidney stone 11 years ago. Uh-huh.

It got impacted, which means the stone got stuck in my ureter wall so they had to do a surgery there's only green leaf for ureter wall so there is the pathway between your bladder and your penis on the way out that's Dan that was Dan so there's only one way in

they knock you out and they go in through the hole and then they scrape it out and then they put a stent in there, which is like a plastic stent. That was almost more painful than the stone itself. The stent was in there for eight days, and then I went to my urologist, and a woman, a nice woman who I've never met before, said, okay, I'm going to take it out now.

And I'm like, wait, you're not putting me to sleep? And she's like, no. She's like, you can watch it on this TV up here, and they put a cover over it. And I was like, how are you getting it out now. And I'm like, wait, you're not putting me to sleep? And she's like, no. She's like, you can watch it on this TV up here. And they put a cover over it. And I was like, how are you getting it out? She had this long, thin thing with a hook on the end. Nope, nope, nope, nope. And she's like, it's going to be painful for

one second, then it'll be total relief. And I was like, what if you miss? Yeah, what do you mean? She doesn't even have a penis. She doesn't know. You don't know. Painful for one second. And she's like, I hope I get it on the first try. And I was like, mean she doesn't even have a penis she doesn't know you don't know painful for one and she she's like i hope i get it on the first try and i was like you and me both and then she went in and she doctor and she pulled it out and it was i can't believe i let somebody do that how good was the relief it was great relief but do you send her a holiday card every year was there any

sort of commitment involved? Look, I can't believe I survived it. I kind of tried to block it out. I can't imagine a set of tweezers. In your urethra? How long do you guys think they were in there? Five minutes. Oh, Jesus. I'm taking the under here because I'm hopeful. I'm an optimist. I think three days.

I think a month. A month? Yeah. A 22-year-old man made the world wince after revealing that a three-inch pair of tweezers was lodged in his urethra for four years. Oh my lord. It was all the way in there. Jeff's face. No way. Jeff said five minutes.

Not to get political, but that is what it feels like in this presidential cycle. Four years. Four years of a tweezer up your urethra. The man who has chosen to go unnamed, believe it or not. This happened to him at 18. Visited a

clinic in Saudi Arabia where he disclosed that he inserted tweezers into his member four years ago. This man is not paying any bills. If you aren't dealing with this, what else are you pushing off the table in your life? Yeah, he's gone rogue on society. He's never gotten any.

Dan, I have a stack of bills and stuff that I have to get to on my desk, but if I don't get to it, it's not like I have tweezers in my ear. Are you like me? Do you feel like you need a day where you don't have anything else to do before you go? I need everyone to leave me alone. You'll never have that day. You'll never have that day. I need everyone to leave me alone so I can get to the $14.21 I owe the University of UCLA Medical Lab for blood work. I know.

Maybe you guys are like me. This is a comic. I feel like I could do what we're doing all day. Yeah, sure. But you have me do emails and bills, and after an hour and a half I am exhausted. That side of my brain really has to go warm up. But how good do you feel when you pay a couple, put it in the mailbox,

you're like, oh, I'm a real adult. You feel like an adult, but before not getting to do it makes me feel like I'm clinically depressed. Because it feels too big for me. But at least all of us don't have a tweezer in our dicks. An x-ray revealed that the foreign object was lodged lengthwise.

Could you imagine? Yeah, of course. Horizontal? Widthwise? No. We all knew that. And sideways? What is that?

Thanks for letting us know that. Lodged lengthwise in the patient's urethra with the tips embedded in the flesh. Just the tips. Yeah, I know. The cringe-inducing case was such an anomaly that the team of doctors documented it with a write-up in the medical journal Urology Case Reports by a doctor of England's Royal Wolverhampton NHS Trust. This could be like the male version of I didn't know I was pregnant.

Remember that, Sean, TLC? I didn't know I was dumb. His ailment sounded highly unusual, doctors noted, I didn't know I was pregnant. Remember that, Sean, TLC? I didn't know I was dying. And I had Twitter. I didn't know I was dumb. His ailment sounded highly unusual, doctors noted, especially as he hadn't experienced the fevers, chills, or other urological symptoms associated with the condition. According to the report, doctors were forced to... It's not a condition. No.

Let's not. He did it to himself. He did it to himself. It's not a condition. According to the report, doctors were forced to squeeze the man's penis using the external pressure technique called squeezing in order to close the tweezers and prevent them from ripping his urethra.

Afterward, they sent the man home with a recommendation that he undergoes an evaluation, which he refused. Yeah, of course. This guy is not going to go undergo an evaluation the report says that the man i'll get to it four years from now this this is the second time that open thumb metal forceps were discovered in a male urethra doctors haven't determined why the man intentionally shoved the tweezers i can tell you in his neither the other regions although the report explains he could have been engaging in, does anybody know what it's called?

I knew. Oh, it's- Does anybody listen to Savage Love Podcast enough to know the answer to this? No, it's like beating or something like that. You're close. You're in the right wheelhouse. Docking? No.

Docking's way more fun. Is that a different thing? Gripping or griping. Oh, you can feel it. Gripting. Bleeding? No, it's called like- Gronking?

Gronking? It's like, am I right? It's like- Their town is yelling at you, right? It's like penting. Pegging? Not pegging. Not pegging.

Penning? I'll just tell you. The report explains he could have been engaging in sounding. Sounding! Which is the insertion of foreign objects into one's orifices for sexual gratification. So people, they'll put a metal rod and they have gauging rods.

Like when you're trying to keep a cake up. You put a wooden stake. Exactly like when you're trying to keep a cake up. Or like if you put a tall, thin, glass lemonade stirrer in your penis. The most common reason for self-insertion of a foreign body into the male urethra is for autoerotic and sexual gratification, especially during masturbation, the report reads. Patients often delay medical help, the report explains. Because it feels so good!

Due to guilt and embarrassment. If anybody out there likes to do sounding, be responsible. Be safe. And if something goes wrong, don't wait four years. Yeah. Just go. It's sounding like this guy needs some help. Because to me, that's the only part that's real dumb.

Also. Because you waited four years. Yeah, you're right. The doctor will help you. It'll be relieving. And then, you know, hell, maybe they'll make an article about it. Right. Thank you.

That's why you didn't want to do it. We will talk about it. He wanted to be talked about on Dumb People Town. And congratulations, sir. That's why you didn't go to the doctor for four years. It it. He wanted to be talked about on Dumb People Town, and congratulations, sir. That's why he didn't go to the doctor for four years is because people like us are making fun of this poor bastard. You got your wish. You got your wish. Jeff Dye was able to make fun of you for sounding some tweezers up your junk.

There you go. That is a story, and that is a show. Jeff Dye, I'm so happy you— Does that make me—it makes me look at the Seattle Sounders differently. A little bit differently. As a sports team. They get up any of the Sounders, right? We're sounding off.

Oh, yeah. We're sounding off tonight. We are sounding off. They get under your skin, those guys. They really get up in you. Old tweezer wieners. Yep. So Jeff Dye, again, see him live if you ever have a chance.

JeffDye.com. JeffDye.com. Follow him on Twitter, follow him on Instagram, and then go see the show on NBC. It's really cool, and you can probably see all the episodes online and whatnot of Jeff, Terry Bradshaw, William Shatner, George Foreman just traveling the goddamn world. And the Winkler.

And Henry Winkler who's brilliant. Unbelievable. I'm sure the nicest, best dude ever. Won his first Emmy. So good. All right, that's the show, guys.

We've got to get back to work. Oh, shit! Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Oh shit!