Dumb People Town - Jeff Ross - Eat. Pray. Steal.

Episode Date: June 9, 2020

This week, Jeff Ross comes to town to visit with Daniel, Jason and Randy. In story one, WE HAVE A GREENLEE about a naked woman who has an altercation with a cyclist and Jeff gives Will Greenlee a mini roast. In story two, a man is on a mission to heat up his Hot Pockets. In story three, a red mustang is involved in an unlikely race.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Ross. Jeffrey Ross. The Roastmaster General. episode of dumb people town population you population ross jeffrey ross the roast master general it is so nice to just talk to you i see you and i get a smile on my face no matter how difficult these times are i just love you brother and i'm so happy to be in contact with you right now thank you guys it's great to see you both. And, uh, you haven't changed a bit. We've aged a little bit. We've aged a little bit through this whole thing. No, I was, we were texting with, uh, Brian Moses the other day and just,

that was on Tuesday. And I was thinking to myself, you know what I need right now more than anything to go up to the comedy store late night and be a part of a roast battle. I needed it in our core. Just even just the, the, you know why, you know why? And it, it, I thought about it too. Jay and I were talking about it and Dan knows Dan's judge, the roast battle with us up there there for it being a battle. There is so much love in that room. Do you know what I'm saying? Like anybody who comes up and just is mean they get, they basically get literally stiff arm by the audience.

mean they get they basically get literally stiff arm by the audience if you come up with love and you do it out of love isn't that like the most beautiful thing in the world jeff it's it's cathartic and it's bonding and it's healing and people keep asking me if i missed stand-up not really but i do miss the roast battle yes well the only stand up i haven't had a break for 30 years but lounge lizards no i made a break like i didn't stop for 30 years that's right that's right but you also have one of the funniest things that's happened during this time where we're all stuck in our house when you had jeremiah be the tiger king on your show and everybody bought it everybody bought it so good oh it was it was one of those perfect bits um but you're my podcast i've been having you know celebrity guests and and during the pandemic you can get get big stars because everybody's home.

So I had Brad Paisley. I had Chelsea Handler. I had Al Franken. And then so having Joe Exotic didn't seem that crazy for people. And you both crushed it. Like you let it just enough in the right ways. And then like Jeremiah, I mean, such a pro with his characters. Like he knew where to play it.

And it was like at a time where everyone really needed to laugh that hard or just be that suckered into down to everybody, to Moses, to the wave, to the judges. I always love being up there when a judge doesn't get it. And you're like, no, no, no, you're not playing the right way. You gotta, you gotta tell what you love about what they did. It's not all about ripping them to shreds. Well, look, that's what we try and do on this show, Dumb People Town. We know that we're- Try and roast dumb behavior. We try and roast dumb behavior. And so we've got you on here. Let's just go through a couple of stories. And I know that we'll all feel better at the end of this if you're in for it.

I'm so ready for this, guys. I needed some cathartic Dumb People Town today. You got it. Because we are going to get our first story sent in to us by Lenny, at MLLeonard8, all common, the number 8, not the word. He sent it to me at DanielVanKirk, hashtag dumb people town. You can do that too

if you want to send me a dumb story that you see. Keep it fun, keep it light, because today, we've got a Greenlee. Now, Jeff, did we ever do a Greenlee with you? Because you're going to love this so much. All right, so Will Greenlee. Okay. Now, Jeff, did we ever do a Greenlee with you? Because you're going to love this so much. All right. So Will Greenlee is a journalist.

Quote, unquote. I use that very loosely for the TC Palm down in Florida. And he actually was one of the early guys who broke the whole Robert Kraft, you know, massage parlor story. So he was one of the stringers. But that's a real story. That's a real story.

So he writes about dumb behavior down in Florida, but our theory is that he has a 1500 word count that he has to get in. And these stories equal about 800 words. And so he spends most of his articles explaining things that we already know to us. Like he, he one time wrote like two verses of the Thong Song in his description of it. We're like, I can't believe this is journalism.

He's also explained what an anchor is and how it works. You drop it. He also has explained what socks are and where they go on your feet. Wow. We have done this. The people that have been just ravaged their brains by hearing his stories, like Will Arnett, John C. Reilly. Michael Che.

So here's the deal. Bobby Lee almost. Bobby Lee almost relapsed. Bobby Lee had to go into the bathroom and take a shit in the middle of this game. Okay. So here's the game. Dan is going to read the story. All right.

So now that we've set it up. And Dan has either, he has strategically placed a bunch of his own fake descriptions of things that we already know in with Greenlee descriptions. And our job is to try and guess whether it was Dan or Greenlee. Okay. So here we go. Anytime there's bullshit, either he wrote it or I did. I did.

And Dan is so, I'm just going to tell you, Jeff, Dan is so good. Don't try to look for a pattern. We can't even do Jay. And I have done this so many times and we can't even. All right, here we go.

All right. Indian River County, which feels problematic to say. Okay. A woman, alternatively described as completely unclothed and naked, got locked up after accusations of spitting on a cyclist, according to an affidavit i will tell you spitting you that's a automatic hit that's the meanest thing that to me is spitting unless unless that cyclist is lance armstrong okay then i think we're okay or it's a lot of enthusiastic consent to be spit on yeah you have to ask for it that has to be a fetish right yeah that's probably a fetish a hundred percent right jeff a fetish or a hobby or just

a way to kill time during quarantine right i'm gonna see if i can hit this guy yeah well now that's like you've weaponized it with quarantine yeah like with what's going on right now i know uh the case of the x x expectorate x expectorating i know i tried lady who reportedly lacked in loincloth went down April 30th and the 3300 block of 45th Street in Indian River County. Emergency dispatchers got several calls indicating a woman was, quote, completely unclothed, and another caller stated she was naked and took off her dress. The affidavit states she was naked and then took off her dress, the affidavit states. She was naked and then took off her dress? Yes. Okay. While being completely unclothed or naked is acceptable in the confines of a private residence,

it is considered poor form to the extent that it is illegal on a public street. It's got to be. Come on. Who wants you to know? You think that's Dan? No. You think that's Greenlee? That's Greenlee.

Okay. Who wants you to know where it's okay to be naked? I agree with Jeff. I think that's Greenlee's no no that's green that's greenly okay who wants you to know where it's okay to be naked i think i agree with jeff i think that's great i think it's greenly all right so we all agree it's greenly because it's interesting like that's a that's something that he could put in the article that people might not know the naked like in new york i was always amazed in the village women can go topless yeah yeah that's right not down in the tc but maybe not in other places that's right okay so down in the TC. But maybe not in other places. That's right.

Okay, so. The person that wanted you to know that being completely unclothed or naked is acceptable in the confines of a private residence but is considered poor form on a public street,

that was written by Will Greenlee. All right! Yes. Very good. One for one. Ding, ding, ding, ding. One for one.

Okay. It should be noted that clothing not required facilities such as nudist res, allow people to be all natural. Who wanted you to know that you could go to a nudist resort if you did want to be naked? Will Greenlee or me? Who do you think, Jeff? It's hard.

Who do you think? Say the last part again. it broke up for a second it should be noted that clothing not required facilities such as nudist resorts allow people to be au natrial see i don't know dan well enough to know if he would use au natrial i don't know if i know me well i'm I'm going to go with Dan on that one. Okay. I think that's Greenlee still. I think we're still in Greenleeville.

Okay. The person that wanted you to know that you could go to a clothing not required facility, such as a nudist resort, is Will Greenlee. Oh, Jeff. One for two. All right. Here we go. Wow.

I know. It's hard. It's hard. Never underestimate the over-explanation of Will Greenlee. There is such a place 23 miles away from where the alleged naked lady was encountered in Indian River County. Who wanted you to know that there is a nudist resort that has nothing to do with this story 23 miles exactly from where this woman got naked and spit on somebody? Who is that, Jeff? Wow.

miles exactly from where this woman got naked and spit on somebody who is that wow um i believe well i mean maybe he's maybe maybe dan's been too busy and he's just reading greenly so you think it's greenly yeah okay i think it's greenly too i think i mean dan could have looked up nearest nudist colony and then but i don't know if that's a lot of work yeah but if he looked it up would it really be 23 miles away i mean he wouldn't know that yeah you can you can because they told you what block it was you can do a google map search and be like 23 and also we don't know if it's 23 miles we're just accepting that that's the reality yeah no one could be a made-up you know how my tesla has like where the superchargers are i would it would be a great feature if you can find out where the nudist colonies are

i'm gonna say that was greenlee i think it's greenlee the person that wanted you to know that there was a nudist colony 23 miles away just as like a little offhand comment was will greenlee oh okay two for three jeffrey three for three the spot is west of fort pierce in st lucie county and is known as sunnier palms nudist park and campground who is now doing a full-on commercial for a nudist colony within this story about a woman who spit on a guy on a bike yeah now we Now we're going into this. We're on such a detour here. Do you agree with us, Jeff, that he has 1,500 words that he has to fill, and he's just trying to throw everything in there? He doesn't want to lose his column inches.

So he keeps going. If he puts in a 600 word, that's what he's going to get next time. If he keeps writing about nude bodies inches, penis inches, he'll keep his column in. There you go. Inches equal inches. His column keeps growing the more it's stroked. I think that was Greenlee.

Jeff, who do you think that was? Definitely Greenlee. I think it's Greenlee, too. I think we're still in, we're in like a Greenlee vortex. Vortex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is all part of it. We're still in Greenland. we're still in greenland we're

okay the place sunny or palms new deuce park and campground the one who wanted you to know that that was real and existed was will green okay jeff is three for four okay playing this game for the first time sunny actually would have gotten the second one, but I figured like you guys be cute. You go back and forth. So I was trying to like, there is no rhyme or reason. When we did this with Paul F.

Tompkins and Will Arnett and Colin Hay, they were all him. I didn't have to write one. It was so insane. Okay. Oh, now I know one's coming. All right.

Sunnier Palms was established in 1992 and promotes an active nudist atmosphere for tent and rv campers resident members day visitors nature lovers and active nudist according to its website jesus what are we if this is greenly he has now gone so far away from the story yeah the story was about a naked woman spitting on a cyclist and now we're just talking about a nudist. Who wanted to give you the history of sunnier palms? Do you think he just copies and pastes out of brochures? I personally think this is Dan's

first entry into this story. That's me. Have you guys... Alright, well... Have you reached out? Have you had this guy on the show? No. So if we ever get to, cause we've done the podcast live and it's so much fun and you'll do a live one with us, which it's so fun live. It is just a blast.

If we ever do one down in Florida, we absolutely have to have this guy on like he'd be amazing. I think people, I think people have reached out to him and tagged him and let him know that we do stuff. He understands it. I mean, again, it is crazy what he does, but there's a certain thing that we do stuff he understands it i mean again it is crazy what he does but there's a certain thing that we love about him too you know what i mean like we don't hate him yeah i think he's like a lovable guy so all right jeff i think that's dan who do you think did the basically description well because dan gave a tell earlier so i'm gonna go with dan okay

jay i'm gonna tell you right now i'm to use my poker skills here and call this one out so michael che when he was on the show said i got the pattern he said i figured it out and then he proceeded to get the next three wrong so i'm going to say i'm going to say that that was greenlee again okay the person who wrote that sunny palms was established in 1992 and promotes an active nudist atmosphere for tent and RV campers, resident members, day visitors, nature lovers, and active students, according to its website, is... Greenlee. Greenlee. Oh, I was right. Jason.

Five for five. Way to get in under the wire, Jeffrey. You and I both got fooled. No, no, Jeff switched us to Greenlee right in the last minute. Oh, you did? Great. Yeah. you did? Great. Solid. All right.

I want to say at this moment, though, Will Greenlee has definitely been there, right? Oh, to the nudist place? Yes. What do you think? You think he's been to the- To do this big of a plug for something. I think he visited, if he's not a member,

he visited under the pretense of writing an article. Yes! Yes! I just want to write a piece. So that way, as a journalist, he wouldn't have to take his clothes off. That's right. Very true. Do we have any idea what this guy looks like?

Yeah. Jay, get a picture of him and we'll show you. He looks intense, but affable. Yeah, he looks like an intense librarian. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. An intense librarian. Yeah. Like when people tell you to shush in a library, he tells them to

shush. He'll give it a little back. Hold it up so Jeff can see it. Okay? He definitely visited the nudist college. Jay, hold it up there. I want Jeff Ross to do one quick roast of the picture of Will Greenlee.

Wow. I think his eyebrows are also he left them at the nudist county. Jeffrey, Jeffrey. As for the woman in Indian River County, investigators reported she was yelling and her breasts were completely out of her shirt, which is a piece of clothing commonly worn over the torso and not made for bearing breasts. Who wants you to know what a shirt is?

I don't know. I think we might have lost Jeff. Oh, shoot. Jeff, did we lose you? Wait, read that one. Okay. Your guy's camera broke up. No worries. Sorry on our end. Here we go. Ready? As for the woman in Indian River County, investigators reported she was yelling and her breasts were, quote, completely out of her shirt, which is a piece of clothing commonly worn over the torso and not made for bearing breasts. Who wants you to know what a shirt is, Jeff? That seems a little sticky for Greenlee.

I'm going to go with Dan. Okay. I think that's Dan, too. Okay. Jay, are you going to sticky for Greenlee. I'm going to go with Dan. Okay. I think that's Dan, too. Okay. Jay, are you going to stay with Greenlee? I'm going to stay with Greenlee. Look how pissed Dan is. It's Greenlee.

Okay. The person who wanted you to know what a piece of clothing commonly worn over the torso and not made for bearing breasts, the one who wrote that is me. Oh, nice. Well done, gentlemen. Way to go. Good work, though, Dan. We weren't sure until you said it. I'll take it. This is another quote.

I could not tell if she was wearing panties despite having no pants on the affidavit states. What does that mean? She's got like a big roll, which I'm not trying to shame. I'm just saying. Or they're nude colored. I suppose. Or they're up the crack.

I don't know. A bicycle rider reported the woman was completely topless and spit on the bicyclist's face. The alleged naked lady smelled of booze. Oh, that's a surprise. Weird. the alleged naked lady smelled of booze oh that's a surprise two things that weird the naked lady smelled of booze two things that would have been fine at sunnier palms since it welcomes nudists from all over the globe offering the cooperative spirit and active participation in nude recreation to all who visit who wow wanted you to know this is like branded content a little bit more about Son of Your Palms? Is that Dan or Greenlee?

I know that one's Greenlee because unless you're just acting, like you don't know what it says. Like that's the one you read clunkily. So I'm going to disregard the information. I'm going to disregard what you said and go on the read. Okay, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to go with Greenlee I'm going to disregard what you said. And go on read. And go on the read. Okay, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to go with Greenlee.

I think it's Greenlee, too. He feels beholden to this news. I think it's Dan. I think that's one step over the line for Greenlee. Okay. Two things that would have been fine at Son of Your Palms, since it welcomes nudists from all over the globe, offering a cooperative spirit and active participation in nude recreation

to all who visit. Wait, wait. Before you say that, if it is Greenlee, he has now gone so far to promote this nudist colony. It's insane that this is in an art. If it's him, the person who wrote that is Will Greenlee.

Oh my god! I think he wrote as much about this nudist colony. done jeffrey ross jeffrey ross he's trying to get a free membership he is right i mean he's angling that is my thing is like yeah he he either like someone who broke up with him is now there and he's like trying to like i'm writing about you he's like subwriting people. It says she was arrested on charges of battery,

disorderly intoxication, and exposure of sexual organs. Before we leave, I will ask you, my friends, how old do you think this woman is that took off all her clothes? Spit on a cyclist. Could not see if she had panties on or not. And she spit on a cyclist. Yes, on the side of the road. And she's been drinking.

How old do you think she is? And she's been drinking. 22. 22 years old. That was quick. Came quick. 47. 47 years old from Jason Sklar.

56. 56 years old. Yeah. One of you is only one year off. Wow. Does anyone want to change their answer one year or the other? 21. 21?

21? 45. 45? That's a 56? Yes. 55. Okay. Okay.

The woman who spit on everyone or one man and gave us a greenlee and a nudist colony that we definitely now we know everything is 48 years old jeff that's how old we are oh my god great job that's insane all right that's the first story that's down in the books jeff ross jeff ross is with us and i'm so happy when we come back we'll give you we'll tell you how you can tap into his podcast and all the great stuff he's been doing. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Jeff Ross with us. Jeff, tell people about your podcast. We've done it it's

so much fun and it's it's really beautiful and how can people find it oh thanks it's called thick skin with jeff ross and it's about getting through life i ask every guest how they get through the blues but it's also a lot of fun and and, and, and I talked to people I care about, like you guys. And like I said earlier, I had, uh, I had friends on from real life and from fake life.

We had everybody from everybody from, uh, Gary Clark, Jr. To Joe exotic on recently. There's a, there's a really, what happened to the TMZ? Gary Clark Jr. to Joe Exotic on recently. So good. So good. Did you say TMZ hit you up when that happened, too? Did TMZ hit you up when you did the- No, no, no.

Yeah, TMZ. The second I posted the Joe Exotic interview, Harvey Levin called me and said, will you go live with us right now? I go, Harvey, it's April Fool's Day. Yeah. It was. So good. What's in your giant coffee smoothie, dude? Yeah.

That's hilarious. So we have some upcoming fake interviews with Joe Biden and Dr. Fauci. Great. And Jeff Bezos coming up. But then we also kind of just talk about life in general. You should have Brad. Brad Paisley gave me some songwriting lessons the other day. He's awesome. Eric Stonestreet is good friends with Paisley and has told great stories about

what a sweet guy. What a sweet, unassuming... He's like if one of your friends was just a humongous country music star. he's like if one of your friends was just a humongous country music star and he's and he's funny like he's got comic timing and we have al franken's up this week and he really lets loose and opens up about all the shit he's been through oh my god i can't wait to hear it it's amazing dude it's a cathartic experience i put it on itunes you gotta have dan on as mark walberg you can have like fake mark walberg. Let's hear your Mark Wahlberg. Let's hear it. Hey, Mark.

Hey, Mark. What's up, dude? How's quarantine going? Are you kidding me? I got access to my own gym and Donnie is isolated. That's all I need. I told him. I was like, Donnie, you can't leave the garage.

It's for your own health. And it's finally working. Mark, do you think you could beat up coronavirus let me ask you this does coronavirus have two arms let me ask you this yes have you seen lone survivor that's me i'm the lone survivor you gotta have money man wow marky mark i'm into that that's a good one dan when this when this is done, we'll give you his number. No one improvises better than Dan, and he has that character on lock. All right, let's get into another story. Jeff, you ready for another story? Yeah.

This is fun. I feel like I say this from time to time, but especially with the four of us, I feel like it's definitely true. And with this headline, I'm going to read it to you first. I will say first, though, it is sent in by Taylor said at Taylor said that's SED. Thank you, Taylor. Here's the headline. Man says he broke into San Diego Wells Fargo Bank to heat up his hot pockets. No. Is it Jim Gaffigan? I don't know, but he's a Jim Gaffigan fan.

He definitely is. Hot pockets. I don't know, but he's a Jim Gaffigan fan. He definitely is. Hot Pockets. What is going on in your life that not only do you want Hot Pockets, but you want them so bad. You're going to break into a place that has nothing to do with Hot Pockets. You could go into the back corner of a 7-Eleven. No one's paying attention to what you're doing to that microwave. By the way, you could go into a 7-Eleven, pick up a burrito, and then walk over to the thing

put your hot pockets in from your home and then just be like you know what i'm not gonna get the bread and then how many times have you done this that's good advice i don't know just came off the top of my head when you go to college in michigan you gotta find a way you have to find always yeah but i'm just like who else was like what is the hardest thing i could break into right now for a fucking hot pocket a bank right a bank is so clearly clearly this was his like dog ate my homework excuse for breaking into a bag that's right right yeah well he was hungry your honor my client was hungry he wasn't broke and desperate he was just hungry he's just trying to heat up a hot pocket for Christ's sake. What do you guys want for lunch? Wells Fargo or do you guys want to go to

Pink's? I think we go to Wells Fargo. So San Diego from KGTV. A man who was arrested on suspicion of breaking into a bank early Wednesday morning apparently entered the branch just

so he can eat up his hot pockets sandwiches. So more than one to it's more than one and to call him a greenly greenly. That's a greenly. If you're going to go to all that effort to break into a bank for hot pockets, which I want to assume he did. Yeah, the amount of times someone has told this man, you are your own worst enemy.

You need to get out of your own way. Get out of your own way. It doesn't have to be a bank. No, it really doesn't. And everyone knows that at a bank, they keep the hot pockets in the safety deposit box. That's correct. You gotta have two keys.

He's never getting them. They keep a key and you have a key. And that's how you open them up. And that's how you get them. At around 3.30 a.m., San Diego police were dispatched to the Wells Fargo Bank branch on 34346. I'm sorry. Uslet Avenue.

After a burglar alarm had gone off, responding officers arrived to find a broken window near the bank's drive-thru. If that's also all it took to get into this bank. That's not good either. No, that's on them. Yeah. If you can just break into a bank by breaking a window at the drive-thru and you're all the way and you're in yeah you're in the break room just eating hot pockets glenn you think uh anybody's gonna break through and during the drive-thru area why would they do that michael that's the drive-thru yeah no one's gonna think to do that

no one would ever come through here on foot so that's the way he did it they didn't go through the front door no they went through the drive Do you think this is going to, Jeff, do you think this is going to make banks rethink how they secure their drive-thru windows? I thought you were going to say microwaves. How they secure their hotpots. I'm confused. How did he get through the drive-thru?

There was a window and he climbed. You know how there's a window where you see the teller in the drive-thru as you go through the drive-thru at the bank. So the bank was closed. Bank at 3 a.m. He breaks through the drive-thru window and jumps through. Yeah. The alarm company told police that surveillance cameras outside the branch captured the man inside a break room and using the microwave.

He really did do this. He really did do it. Jeff, it's not a lie. He's not a lie. He just wanted to heat it up. Wow. He didn't take any money. No.

He probably didn't even know it was a bank. This is my hope. He used to work at this bank. Okay. He donated the microwave to the bank. To the break room. He got fired. And he said, can I take my microwave?

No, it belongs to the bank now and he was like okay okay i'm using that microwave again that's the most plausible explanation we'll see about that i mean i've got to get behind some sort of please that that's the only logical thing after about an hour i guess it's a better sorry sorry i guess it's a better story than if it's like, yes, I broke in the bank to heat up my caviar. You know? Right. He's a man of the people is what you're saying. Yeah.

I mean, it's relatable. He's just a guy needing some microwave. Eat for the robbery you're committing, not for the one you want to be. That's right. Eat, pray, steal. Eat, pray, steal. One of my favorite books.

Favorite Julia Roberts movies. Ginger has his life. You won't stop talking about it. After about an hour, officers broke through the front doors and located the man inside, which means either they waited an hour to get there. Or they were waiting for him to get out. Or they took them an hour to get in. All they had to do was go through the same window he did.

I know. That was it. So for an hour, they're like, all they had to do was go through the same window he did i know that's so for an hour they're like buddy hey we know it's almost like they're talking to a dog they're like hey come on out or trying to coax a cat out have any of you eaten a hot pocket have you eaten a hot pocket jeff i i actually tried my first hot pocket during quarantine and i loved it really what flavor did you go with it was like a it was like a pizza thing oh yeah so it was like so so my son was super into little tortinos which are kind of like mini hot pockets and i got into those because of course like there's a plate of them he'll eat like

14 there's like four left and i'm like i'll eat them what are we gonna do throw these away and that four was enough sodium for your wheat diarrhea Diarrhea for the next two days. Have you had a Hot Pocket? I've never. Oh, I might have had. It's insane. It's too much. What does it taste like? It's too. Heartburn.

It tastes like it's designed in a lab to be great. Okay. So it's like if someone was like, if you'd never seen a pizza before, but rolled it up. Or it reminds me. Sorry. I don't know if they had these in Chicago, but when I was a kid, Strombolis.

They're like a little mini Stromboli. That's it. That's exactly it. Chicago was the last time I had a Stromboli. Really? It was in Chicago? Because they were cheap. We could get them in college. And you'd be full. And if you were drunk, they were wonderful.

Is a calzone like a cousin to the Stromboli that zone is like you folded your pizza one over yeah right i think i think you're right yeah i think they're both the same thing yeah all right uh after about an hour officers broke through the front doors and located the man inside i just in my mind i hope they were talking to each other the whole time as officers took him outside and arrested him the man told 10 News Breaking News tracker, we don't need that, that he entered the bank just so he can microwave his Hot Pockets. That's all he wanted.

When asked if Hot Pockets were worth it, the man responded on camera, quote, hell yeah, it was worth it. Now, if you are Hot Pockets, please tell me you don't cut that into a commercial. Right, worth breaking into a bank for. And they should put a little thing like, we don't condone breaking into a bank, but we get it. It's like the version of the Chris Rock bit.

I'm not saying he did it. I'm just saying I understand. Or even better, it's like Hot Pockets. They won't break the bank, but they'll make you want to break into one. There you go. There you go. Oh, I like it. That's good. That's not expensive. You can get a bunch of them. Chase on fire. If they did just license or whatever that footage, that is a perfect commercial.

We don't condone this, but we get it. But we get it. We understand. Jeff, you're dead on. Oh, I think that's so good. Police did not release any further details on the incident. That takes care of story number two. Give us a little taste of what we're going to see at the

end here. Okay, you got it. A guy was arrested for the dumbest and most confusing reason I've ever heard. All right. Jeff Ross is with us, the Roastmaster General. We have one more segment of Dumb People Town, and this is making me feel better. We'll be back right after the break.

Yeah. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. I want to remind people before we get into this final story, Dan Van Kirk has a wonderful nightly podcast called The Good Night Show. I happen to listen to it first thing in the morning.

It settles me down. I highly recommend this. This is a calming podcast in the rough waters that we are in. 15 to 25 minutes every day. And it's really, really a beautiful pod. We have a daily podcast called Scalabro Country, The Virus Edition,

where we just try and take on whatever silly stuff is. This week I did, I actually went after someone on nextdoor.com and I read all of my responses in this fight that I had with a person and I was as I was doing it on, as I was fighting and as I was doing it

on camera, I started sweating like nobody's business. And in the background of Randy's head, in his head, he heard jamar neighbors say keep going keep going keep going that's what i hear in the background so so that so we do that kind of stuff we talk about like the mexican senator who took her top off during a zoom call all those crazy things that are happening right now it's a good oh it's pretty good it's a good She didn't realize the camera was still on. 66-year-old woman. Early on, there was some Zoom where there was like a company-wide meeting.

There was like 15 people. Woman goes to the bathroom? Yeah, a woman goes to the bathroom. This is worse. Woman takes shirt and bra off still on the thing. Unbelievable. We get into all those stories on our podcast. And once again, Jeff's podcast is Thick Skin with Jeff Ross.

Listen to our episode. So many amazing episodes. Hey, maybe a future episode will be with Mark Wahlberg. Who knows? But support. What's your handle on social media for everybody to follow you, Jeff? I'm at TheRealJeffreyRoss on Instagram and

RealJeffreyRoss on Twitter. And by the way... Such a good follow on Instagram. So fun, the stuff you post. Thanks, man. I've really been doubling down on the social media. I felt like I didn't tweet jokes for a few years. It just didn't feel safe anymore. So I would save the heat from my live shows. But now in pandemic time, I'm like, all right, you got to tweet.

You got to make. Yeah. I have a theory. I laugh so much at your stuff. I think like the three of you guys, wherever you're quarantining with your families, stuff. I think like the three of you guys, wherever you're quarantining with your families, funny people need, have an obligation to cheer up the people around them during these times. It is why we have kept doing this podcast. We are all sort of in a little pod. Dan hasn't seen anyone. We've just been with our families. So like, you know, we're able to get together. We,

you know, we were given the choice. Should we keep doing this podcast through this time or not? And we were like, absolutely. It is our duty to bring comedy to people. That's what we do. Jeff Ross, you do. It's so funny because it's just simple. You'll take a screenshot of a tweet that you do and put it on Instagram. And it's literally just the words and I'm dying. I'm like, I know that Instagram is a visual art form, especially you can do video and all that other stuff.

But like it is so rare that that person can just put up the tweet up there. And I'm always laughing. So please follow the real Jeffrey Ross on Instagram and on Twitter. And let's jump in. I had a good one. I had a good one today. I had a good one today. All I wrote was, is God taking an improv class?

Yes. I was on the top of the parking structure in Glendale charging my car. There's a Tesla charging station. And there was an earthquake yesterday. I'm like, this is how I'm going to fucking die during a pandemic. They're rioting downstairs. And I'm going to die in an pandemic they're rioting downstairs and i'm gonna die in an earthquake charging your car it's god taking it unreal that's so fun i need a location earth oh jesus i just keep thinking of 2020 as tig notaro's bit where she was like

listing all the things she had been through at that famous set that they recorded at largo and she said you guys don't worry though because god says he'll never give me any more than I can handle, which means I just picture the angels up there with God going, I think that's enough. And God going, I think she can take just a little. She can take a little bit more. She can take a little bit more. And I feel like that's what the angels are like.

I think they've had it with 2020. He's like, let's see if we can get an earthquake in there. They can handle it. That was madness. Great tweet. Last story. Let's get into this and let's wrap it up. Sent in by Pete Yarbrough. A Minneapolis man was

arrested last Wednesday night after this is all the way back on April 23rd after leading state police on a pursuit on the Indiana toll road. He's from Minnesota, but he was on the indiana toll road about 9 20 p.m officers in two separate marked police vehicles near the 96 mile marker in elkert county observed a red mustang because that's totally on brand for this red traveling westbound at a high speed a radar reading showed the car going more than how fast do you guys think

this red Mustang, I assume it's new, they didn't give a year, was going on the interstate. How fast? Yeah, how fast do you think it was going? What's enough to make this a story? It's not about the speed, though, I'll tell you that. I don't want to get you up to NASCAR low level. 88, 88.

Okay. Jay, what do you think? 120 okay i think 130 okay one of you is exactly right oh so jeff now we get to play the game who do you think is exactly right do you think it's jay do you think it's you or do you think it's me read it again okay they observed a red mustang traveling westbound at a high speed a radar reading showed the car going more than blank miles per hour according to a news release jay said 120 i said 130 you said 88 i think it's got to be 130 okay i think it's me i think it's me 120 okay the radar reading at that time showed the car going 120

miles per hour. Yes! Okay, there you go. Both officers caught up to the Mustang with lights and sirens activated, but the Mustang's driver refused to stop. This is when I'm going to read you the headline.

Man arrested after toll road pursuit said he thought police wanted to race. Yes. Yes. That's what they want to do. He thought the lights were game on. The lights were like, go. Fast and the Furious style. I guess I'm the pace car.

I bid low thinking like on the price is right like i find it i knew you guys would go big so i was like maybe there's some twist to it like he's hanging out the window you know that's true that's true no he's locked into this race with cops oh my god he's uh and he's going 120 he's going 120 yes the The Mustang then avoided stops or the Mustang then avoided stop sticks deployed by the assisting officer on the 84 mile marker. So that's 12 miles away. He's doing that in about six minutes.

Yeah, stop sticks were then deployed again and were successful deflating the tires on the Mustang. The man driving the car told police he did not stop because he thought the troopers wanted to race. Sure. Yeah.

No, that's not what people want to do. He was arrested on suspicion of resisting law enforcement and reckless driving and also received several moving violations. He was booked into the Elkhart County Jail. What age do you guys think a person is when they believe cops just wanted to race them in their red Mustang? cops just wanted to race them in their red mustang imagine if imagine it although all our problems in the world would be solved if instead of police brutality we were mad at them just for racing yeah exactly right well we are mad at them about race for some issue it's a different race it's a different race right well said well said uh okay you you're our guest you do not have to go first jeff if you don't want to. You can go second or third.

I'll go third. Okay. You'll go third. All right. I'll go first. Jay, what do you think? Five years old because that's a five-year-old mentality. Give me a real guess.

Get in my race car. Give me a real guess. Okay. Real guess. I'm going to say 27. 27 years old. That's some in-your-20s bravado. I remember Jeff. We probably met Jeff when he was about 28, 29.

26 or 25. What are you, a couple years older than us? Yeah, I think so. I think we met you in New York when you were about 25. So this is two years old. This is young New York Jeff Ross who'd make this mistake. Bravado, who'd make this mistake. I think he's 20.

Jeff, what do you think? What year was the Mustang? We don't know. It's new. It's probably new. I'm going to say midlife crisis kind of thing. I'm going to say this guy was 50. 50, 27, and 20.

I say 20. That is a range right there. If 50 is right, and I'm not saying it isn't, but if he is an older man, and I'm not saying he isn't, and he misinterprets getting pulled over for wanting to race, his lack of communication means he is definitely divorced.

Oh, definitely. This is I'm going to show her, and it's his fault. Yeah. Okay, here we go. We'll close it out here. The man who told the cops he didn't stop because he thought the troopers wanted to race is 25 years old oh see that makes me feel like he did not pay for that car no jeff could have been right because it feels like this was a midlife crisis because he's not going to live it also feels like you know some lawyer concocted a funny answer for that or like or you know like an older guy would go all right

i'm gonna i'm gonna give him a dummy answer yeah it does feel like like he didn't know how to like for in the moment he got so intoxicated with the speed he didn't know how to like he didn't want the money he just wanted the hot pockets that's what we got yeah all right there's our show you guys uh check out thick skin with jeff ross fantastic podcast follow him the real jeffrey ross on all social medias. Follow us. We're at Sklar Brothers. He's at Daniel Van Kirk. We love you guys. Stay safe. And oh shit, we've got

to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.