Dumb People Town - Jeff Ross - I'm Kinda in a Woody Guthrie Song

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

This week, Roastmaster General Jeff Ross joins the Sklars and Dan Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a pair of scared train-hoppers seek out help from 911 dispatchers. Then Jeff and gang discuss the new season of Roast Battle, the art of roasting, and what it was like for the Sklars to roast each other for the first time. Story #2 features an impressively airborne minivan. Story #3 is the tale of a stolen aquarium involving a motorcycle.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Tunker Downey's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population new Population roast master Jeff Ross Jeff Ross Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Population roast master, Jeff Ross. Jeff Ross. Hi, everybody. I am so happy that we spent really the last week with you. Yeah, bud. Getting to see you in your true, true element doing what you do so well as the roast master.

I just watched the Bruce Willis roast, which if you haven't watched it yet, go watch it online it is i've seen you in a lot of roasts yeah i wouldn't fuck b arthur with her with her dick is one of the greatest i wouldn't fuck courtney love with the arthur's dick holy shit i wouldn't sandra bernhardt holy shit i wouldn't fuck you with b arthur okay sorry we got it wrong and i'm still saying that's one of the best jokes ever. I thought you in this Bruce Willis roast, you were on your game like I've never seen before, and it was maybe one of your best roasts. Thanks. I thought, so watch it online.

And then the new season of Roast Battle, which- We'll get to that. We'll get to that in the next segment. I really will get into it because we've got Dan here. We've got Jeff. And I have an exclusive on that that I just found out. Okay, great. So we'll release that here.

Guys, we believe that the world is getting dumber, Jeff, and you're out in the world. You have to admit that global warming and – Global roasting. Global roasting. So let's globally roast some dumb people as we get these great stories sent to us by our dumb ears on the ground. Dan gets them.

We don't know them. We've never heard them. Jess never heard them. Dan barely knows them, so let's get into one. You ready? Yes. Here we go. Smarting up the world. Sent in by Dan Leon or Leon. Depends on how fancy you want to get with it. You got a little French on it. Is it the Kings

of Leon or the Kings of Leon? It's Kings of Leon. It is Kings of Leon. A lot of people don't know that. It's just Eagles and it's Kings of Leon. It's not the Eagles. At designer 1973. Yes. At Designer1973. Yes. Love those 1973 designs.

45-year-old person. Doylestown, Ohio. On name alone, you're like, that shit. Not the people or the town, but just it went bad. Something's going to happen. Like Doylestown, Ohio. What comes to mind of that is just like eight different waffle houses within a block of each other.

Where's Doylestown in relation to Columbus, I wonder? I don't know. That's a good question. Where is this place? How dumb is it? As you get further from Columbus, it just starts getting dumber. A bad decision by two men to hop onto a CSX train led to a bizarre 911 call from one of the trespassers as the train rumbled from Huron County to Wayne County. By the way, if you were a hobo in the 1920s and you jumped a train

and one of you didn't make it, that was it. You weren't calling 911. No. You weren't calling anybody. No, you were like, bye, Louie. And it is one of those... Thanks for the block of cheese. It is one... Yeah, that's one of those things

Where you throw your stuff On the train first And then you try to hop on And like That guy doesn't make it You got a whole new set of stuff Is it Am I

Am I like The only one here Who thinks it's amazing That train hopping still happens I I can't imagine So none of you have done it No

None of you have ever hopped on a train Have you ever hopped on a train No but there's a It's a lot There's a lot of train yards in Rochelle, Illinois Sure He grew up like north of Chicago And a lot of people go and like play on the trains You're not supposed to Obviously you're trespassing

You're not supposed to do that Movies make it seem like it's super easy to do Well if you think about it I mean as a New Yorker I've seen people do very very provocative Yes Like dangerous things on subways So imagine if

You know You don't live near a subway you live near a train You get used to I bet if the subway Walls weren't so close to the train And someone could just like Ride it hang on the outside They would do it

If they're like I'm late for work I'll do that up for like two stops The problem is a lot A lot of people around, around the country, have nothing to live for. They're like, yeah, sure, I'm going to jump a train. I'm going to jump a train. What's the worst that can happen to me? I still live? Yeah, yeah, right. I got to go to work tomorrow?

It works out. Or find a job? Investigators said that Christian Hale. The Christian Bale of hobos. Christian Hale and Kevin Sloan. It sounds like two porn dudes. Christian Hale and Kevin Sloan.

Hale and Sloan could also be your 5 p.m. eyewitness news team. Oh, 100%. Christian Hale. Back before they let women read that sort of thing. I'm Christian Hale. With the weather. They jumped onto a moving train in Willard around 4 a.m. Tuesday.

What? This is what you're saying, like nothing to live for. What are you doing at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday in a train yard? Right. Unless you're like 17. Yeah. I'll tell you what you are doing is like making sure your kids gas. Yeah, right.

You're not having a fulfilling relationship with the people who raised you? Yeah. I'm like, let me get my taxes done or hop this train. I've got two options here. What am I doing? When the train picked up speed, the men couldn't get off and hung onto the outside of the two cars for up to 60 miles. Wow. That's a long time to hold onto the outside of the two cars for up to 60 miles. Wow.

That's a long time to hold onto the outside of the two. You know what this is reminding me of? All these ridiculous stunts that Tom Cruise does himself. Right. Have you seen the new Mission Impossible? He's hanging on a plane. It's great. I saw it last night.

Have you ever roasted Tom Cruise? I've done a roast with Tom Cruise. Where you got to get some jabs in? Do you remember your Tom Cruise jabs? I can't remember my Tom Cruise jokes, but I do remember we were roasting Matt Lauer in New York, Friars Club roast, not televised, and Tom Cruise and him had a famous feud on the Today Show. About psychology helping people who have postpartum depression.

Great memory. And I remember Tom Cruise came out as a special guest. I can't remember the jokes I can't remember the jokes If Lauer didn't like a joke did he hit a button underneath the desk And lock himself in No but that is the plot of the next Mission Impossible Spoiler alert

Tom Cruise gets locked And Matt Lauer's off He's just sexually harassing him until he can get out Cause Lauer has a mission for him Should you choose to accept it And it's not possible Even if. Should you choose to accept it? And it's not possible. Even if you don't choose to accept it, I'm locking the door. Get on your knees.

The men couldn't get off the train and hung on to the outside for 60 miles. Wayne County Captain Doug Hunter. He's a cop named Doug Hunter. He also just hunts Doug. He's Doug a train jumper spotter

He says that the train reached speeds of up to 40 to 50 miles per hour hanging onto the outside for 60 miles That's endurance That's over an hour That's hand strength That should be the new American Ninja Warrior Near Doylestown, Hale frantically

dialed 911 and explained-1 and explained the confusing situation to the dispatcher so they have cell phones with service right they can't be whole they're not hobos no they're just why not it's a modern day hobo these millennial hobos have fucking cell phones i like how the police account is like the two men like if you actually saw a picture of these guys you you'd be like, men? They're probably barely hanging on as human beings. In every sense. The train and life.

Men is too complete. Quote, I'm on a train, he said. This is Christian Hale. The dispatcher responded, you're on a train? Yeah, it's going really fast. I don't know where it's going. I wanted to play some of this 911 call. Let's hear it. Oh, this is him on the train hanging on.

It's so obvious what he's saying is trying to, what's going on. Okay. The dispatcher. Let's hear it. 18-4-52-54. All right, Siri, get to it. 911, what's your emergency? Me and my friend stopped on the train.

We were like, trying to jump down there. The train, just kind of jumped on it. The train was like going really, really, really fast. And I really don't know where we're at or where we're going. So, too much explanation. Okay, I'm sorry. By the way, he said we kind of jumped on it. Jumped on the train. Kind of jumped on it.

Kind of jumped on it is like... Yeah, we won't admit guilt yet. He's just trying to see if they can get out of it. I kind of forgot that I have to do this thing. Right, right, right. I kind of did on it as like... He won't admit guilt yet. He's just trying to see if they can get out of it. I kind of forgot that I have to do this thing. Right, right, right. I kind of did the dumbest thing ever. And I'm going 45 miles per hour. I'm kind of in a Woody Guthrie song.

Kevin Spacey, I kind of laid on Anthony Rapp. No, you did. You did. You didn't kind of do it. You made a choice. And I can't get off. Kevin Spacey, North is good. You were going really, really fast, and I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know where I'm going. It's the truest thing he's ever said. How do you not hear the train in the back of that? No, I'm on a train. You're on a train? Yeah, and it's going really fast, and I don't. And it's going really fast. And I don't know where it goes. Okay.

Do you work for the company? This is like, I think the dispatcher is doing the best he can. Is he? He's trying to ask why he's prolonging this call. I can never tell if they're trained to be so calm or they're just people who are like, I don't know. He's saying I'm on a train and it's going really fast. There's no way the dispatcher thinks that he's on the hanging off a train.

Like he's talking to a four-year-old. He's like, good for you, buddy. Way to go, buddy. But the most true thing he said in that whole thing is, I don't know where I'm going. Like at all in life on this train. It sounds like a John Mayer song. Yeah.

I've hopped on this train. It's going really fast and I don't know where I'm going. There you go. He said, yeah, it's really, that's literally the fast, and I don't know where I'm going. There you go. He said, yeah, that's literally the quote, and I don't know where it's going. Hale, who told the dispatcher he was scared, gave an unusual answer when the operator asked him why he was on the train. Quote, it's better than walking. It scared the shit out of us. Wow.

Okay. Yeah. Why are you on the train? It's better than walking. How'd that work out for you? It scared the shit out of us. Yeah. Why are you on the train?

It's better than walking. How'd that work out for you? It scared the shit out of us. Yeah. The fact that the person was able to call 911 while he's hanging onto the outside of a train. Imagine. You call, man. You call. Nine.

I can't reach my phone. I'm out of minutes. I need you to call. You want me to call? I have a roll over. What's the number? It's nine. I can't hear you.

Right. What? They said that that's very unusual, Doug Hunter said. The dispatcher notified CSX, which stopped the train at the Whitman Road crossing in Chippewa Township. However, the train hoppers took off. They were like, let's get out of here. Deputies found them about a mile away, and a body camera video captured their arrest. They were charged with trespassing.

In the back of the cruiser, Christian Hale told the deputy he only planned to ride through Willard. So he's just looking to cut through town. Yeah, a little ride that could end my life. I thought it was going to stop in Willard, and it didn't. I don't know if he's talking about the train or his life. I thought my life was going to stop in Willard, and now here I am. I'm still here. I should have never gotten on the train. I know it was a stupid idea and I never should have did it. I wasn't going to and I never will again. Well, you weren't going to, but you

did it. You don't get to go back and be like, I wasn't going to. Yeah, you were. You don't get to do a while. Yeah, you were. Bad grammar is also a train you can't get off of. According to Operation Lifesaver, Ohio ranked 11th in the county in railroad trespass casualties in 2015 with 15 deaths and 13 injuries. Before we get out of here, I'm going to ask you guys, how old do you think Christian Hale is? Now, we heard his voice.

What chapter in his life do you think he is right now? Where is this guy? I already know. You already know? 19. 19 years old. And what's the logic for 19 it's why because every time i look well saving a couple bucks maybe doesn't have a car but also like when they say man and then you look at it's like oh it's a boy who's just old enough to be called a man all right that's it he's a man in the eyes of the law but

not in anybody old enough to vote um all right i'm gonna say the guy's 28 i think he's a man in the eyes of the law, but not in anybody else's. Old enough to vote. Right. All right, I'm going to say the guy's 28. I think he's a little more than that. I think he's lived a little life. I think he's right in between. I think he's 23. 23 years old, probably has two kids. Okay, so 23 from Randy. 19.

19 for Jeff. And I don't even usually make jokes about trainees, but... I know it's not politically correct to make fun of trainees. He's transitioning. He's transitioning from one town to the other. But his life

stays in the exact same place. He identifies as a guy in Willardsville. Willardsville. Townies, get your answers in right now. Shout out your earbuds. Because Christian Hale, the man on the train, is 20 years old. Oh, Jeff Ross. Here's a picture of the two of them. He's the guy on the right, and you were exactly right.

The facial hair is the only thing that makes you say he could be a man. You are 100% right. Jeff Ross knows people. He looks like a mop has been turned upside down. It's amazing what a few decades of sizing people up can do. Dude, that's what roasting is all about. I don't even need to see him at this point. The other night, I was on stage with Craig Robinson at the Improv.

He's playing piano, and he likes to do this bit with me called spot roast, where I turn around, face the wall, and he talks to people in the audience, and I have to roast them without looking. Roast them without even looking? That's like blindfold blindfold roasting and i always do the same joke sounds fat works every time all right let's take a break when we come back we'll talk about the roast battle this season jay and i were a part of it uh with jeff ross this is dumb people town stay with us hey guys welcome back to dumb people town we We have Jeff Ross, who is a wonderful follow on Instagram. I do.

I follow him. He is the real Jeffrey Ross. And the real Jeffrey Ross on Twitter as well, right? And real Jeffrey Ross. Real Jeffrey Ross. I added the for Instagram. The for Instagram. One day I'll straighten all this shit out.

He's great on Twitter as well. Follow him. We had so much fun, and I want to thank you because you really were like, I have an idea. This is a few while back. He really were like i have an idea this is a few while back he's like i have an idea i want the two of you guys to roast each other on the roast battle and we were like wow that we've never roasted anyone before let alone get super personal with each other and roast each other right and you were i'm not going to say what you said to us but you were like really specific about how you wanted us to go at it and go at each other.

And we took it as a challenge, but also like a challenge from our friend that we've known for 20 years. Yeah. Well, we chose to believe in you. You were like, I believe in you guys, and I know you can do this. We didn't necessarily think that, but we like decided to trust your instinct. Thank you, guys. You know, I've been watching you guys a long time.

You're so funny. And we're trying to put the battles together. And this season, it's dream battles. Yeah. And there aren't a lot of spots. So I was like, the Solaris could do a tag team or team up. Or then I keep going in my head. Boy, it kills me to give you know two people who are

dying to roast who've been roast battling to not have that spot open but then i go well it's nice to have headliners on the show and you guys are headliners and i think basically you having your own battle was amazing is and then and then the whole thing is you know well who's the funny one right yeah well i mean and it's or you prove that that you're both hilarious thank you well here's the thing that i love and this is what's great is that if you look at our act and you've watched us do stand-up for like i said 20 plus years that's not what we do in our act specifically there are moments where we get on each other but that's really not what we do in our act specifically. There are moments where we get on each other, but that's really not what we do. So to be able to have established a career

in several stand-up specials and a whole thing and then do something completely counter to it, it's amazing. It feels like it was a setup for this. Our whole career is a setup for this moment. I love that. Which I'm not overplaying it. It was one of the coolest things we've done.

It's a week later and I'm still riding the high of that experience. It could not have gone better. The laughs were huge. Thank you. And we did not know what it was going to be. And that was part of the joy. I can't remember. It was like there was a time.

You guys were nervous. First of all, I put it out there during a live roast battle here in LA.A. that wasn't televised, that we do for fun every Tuesday at the Comedy Store. And you guys were judging, as you often do. And I threw it. I've been percolating this idea in my head, and I hadn't really run it by Comedy Central, but I knew Brian Moses would be into it. He was. And you're part of the roast battle tribe. Yeah.

So I go, how do we get these guys on the show? They're experts in roast battle, even though they don't roast. I also don't really roast in my stand-up, but I know how to roast. That's right. To me, I go, well, these guys are— We'll figure it out. It's not about whether you're an observational comic or an impressionist or a drug— Like, if you have timing, you can roast.

You can. And if you can write good jokes, you can roast. And if you have a singular worldview or even in your case, whatever, a double worldview or a, if you know how to work a room, roast battle will work for you. And you guys have, you know, all those uh tools in your tool belt so i figured it would it would work what i love is what it further shows and this is you know we spent a whole career trying to say look we're not a gimmick we're both really funny like if it's just one of us judging the roast battle you're never like oh this isn't going to work because the other one isn't here you're like no this is going to be funny because randy's funny or jason's funny we know and we know that we are funny individually and it takes someone to know us really well

to say like i know these guys can be funny individually i know that on their own they will bring the fire and so when we put that in a battle together it'll be incredible all right so do you know when our thing is airing yes it'll air a week from Tuesday. Okay, so this drops tomorrow. A week from today when this drops. At 10 o'clock at night. Okay. So there you go. I will say to you guys, watch the whole series. TVR the whole series.

Jay and I were like... We premiered a night on Comedy Central. Premiered a night on Comedy Central. Jamar Neighbors versus Yamanika Saunders. One of the best battles I've ever seen. Unbelievable battle. That's tonight. That's New York versus LA. That is two people who just bring it. Who own the stage when they step on that stage. They were amazing.

It was incredible. We came back and watched them all. Yeah, Jay and I had talent passes. We snuck back in to go see the other battles. Of course, your family. Roast Battle family. But then next week, when you guys do it, when you guys agreed,

it gave me the idea to do a family-themed episode. And Joe List and his wife. So the battle before your main event is Joe List and Sarah Tolomash. And it's a hilarious battle. I'm not going to tell you the results. No. I believe they're still together a week later. Have not gotten confirmation.

We should check. If anybody runs into those two, please make sure they're okay. Jeff will pay for their therapy. I will. We always have a divorce attorney waiting backstage. Which you gotta have.

Even for us. Even for the two of us. At Rose Battle, we have estate attorneys, we have divorce attorneys, we have paramedics. Paramedics you gotta have. We have psychological attorneys. We have divorce attorneys. We have paramedics. Paramedics you got to have. We have psychological PTSD experts.

They're all backstage. It's like a whole team of people with clipboards backstage, and it's perfect. Did you guys learn anything about each other or yourselves from the roast battle? Oh, yeah. Again, I'm buzzing still just because of the confidence that we were able to show. It was fun to go at each other. to show yeah I like go at each other it was super fun to go at each other it was super fun for me to like just watch him take the floor and like hold in the right moment for the joke and then nail the joke and I was like that was

good there were a couple times I was like that was really good I don't know what to say I you know I laughed at some of the jokes but But we had to be on our toes. I mean, it's great because it felt like the two of us performing, but it was so different. Who worked harder on it? Oh, I don't know how hard he worked on it. I worked super hard. I worked really, really hard.

I worked super hard. Did either of you? I worked super hard into the nights. I think Randy probably came to his set quicker, and he had a couple ready to roll, and i think i had to find a couple more i had to work a little bit harder but it was did either of you think about your physical like am i gonna get in shape for this am i gonna look am i gonna try to look better than him no we just had to be real this is what we are it's not gonna get much better than this. Yeah, it was like that.

I do think, you know, you guys went, the one thing you did was, you know, you went, you know, you kept punching after the bell, which I always find enjoyable. And, you know, normally one battler does that and one doesn't. Right. So I'll have to penalize, even though they're hilarious, like as the judge. But it was. But you both went over the bell. And then you both. I don't give any more. Don't give away anymore. I don't want to like, you got to judge. But you both went over the bell.

I don't give any more. Don't give away any more. I don't want to like, you got to watch it. I want people to watch it. Don't give anything away. Don't give anything away. But what I do think is that you guys could probably roast each other a little bit in your stand-up act and the audience would eat it up. Hey, by the way, I think we might carry it in and that's a great idea.

All right, let's jump to another story. I'm sorry. Great stuff, guys. Thank you for doing the battle. You're the best for believing in us. Look, these people who listen to this podcast know how much we love Rose Battle, how many people we've had on it. We're like the biggest proponents of it.

For the first time, we're actually able to say we're a part of it. So every single person who listens to this podcast. Watch tonight, watch every night, and then watch us next season. Comment on it or go to Comedy Central and tell them more, more, more, more, more, because it's a great show. Are you ready? Yeah. This was sent in by Bob Satnan.

The Bob Saget of SAT. By the way, we were up in the belly room one night and Saget showed up. Yep. He was fantastic. At B underscore Satnan. All right, here we go. You may have seen cars crashed into houses, but rarely like this. Stop, stop.

I've never seen that. You've never seen a car crash into a house? No. You gotta live, brother. You need to start hopping trains. Maybe like in a fraternity movie. Exactly. But not in life.

Yeah. Okay. Well, either way, you've maybe never imagined them like this. Early Saturday, a minivan launched into a home in Newburgh in Ozuki County. Ozuki? I don't know. Embedding wheels

first several feet off the ground like a toy car stuck onto a birthday cake. I'm going to show you guys some pictures. Look at this car. It's in the second floor. Oh my God. It's into the second floor of this house. What? Show Jeff's face.

Look at this. That is... When you leave your house that day to go get... I'm imagining like a Mountain Dew Code Red and a Tombstone Pizza. Yeah. You're like, it's not like I'm going to drive airborne into the side of a house. You have to try to do that. To me, I think if you tried to do that 50 times, Jeff, you couldn't do that.

I don't understand. How did it get launched? Air. It probably drove up off the curb. Miraculously, it digs into it. Miraculously, neither the driver nor the man in the bedroom was hurt. Annette Benling, 73 years old. Could be Annette Bening.

Annette Bening just happened to be in the bathroom When she heard the bang at about 3am So 3 in the morning something just makes this woman go pee She's like I got well 73 Jeff used to live with your grandfather You know the timing of old people They gotta get up in the middle of the night to pee

My cousin Aaron's here He's how old 69 71 How many times do you pee a day? A night? A night, three, four. Three, four times a night. Drinking? A lot more. He's drinking a lot more.

The odds are less that she'd be in bed. Right? Yeah. Obviously. We'd be shocked if she was laying in bed, not peeing, middle of the night. She's up in the bathroom and then all of a sudden a car comes to their bedroom. Her 78-year-old husband, Ken, was still in bed but she couldn't open. To me, I want

the article to be like, he did not wake up. He slept through it. At the time of writing this, Ken is still asleep. Slept through it. But she couldn't open the door to the bedroom because the impact had shifted the entire frame of the whole room. It's a van coming through the middle of the house.

And it is stuck, not just, I thought it was going to be like the front two wheels, and the back is hanging out. No, it's like as if you were to take the car, wheels first, and jam it into the house. The underside of the car is into the house. Wait, are you confusing Bruce Willis' entrance at the roast? Yes. On the roast? Yes. On the motorcycle? That would have been unbelievable if he went up into the backdrop.

That would have been hilarious. Quote, finally we got it open, she said. That's Annette. He was pretty shook up. Not himself, he said, or she said. Then her husband says, there's a car in the bed. Ken, we get it. Jesus.

Quote, I could see the wheels. There's a car in the bed. She goes it jesus quote i could see the car in the bed she goes i could see the wheels it was on my side i i would have been dead so the car is like next to ken in the bed oh my god it's the most excitement in that bedroom in years ken ken was covered in oil though because the mazda minivan had struck a four-foot rock retaining wall on its way up that tore the engine and transmission apart so it lands in the house and is just shooting out oil and gasoline so he's lubed up they could have sex for the first time right there honey i think we're good okay that's exciting okay ken uh it tore the engine and transmission apart said yamon inglis i don't, that's some guy with Lancer Garage

Yamon Inglis, I believe Opens for Gabriel Iglesias I think he used to They ask you, they say that, Yamon Inglis And you're like, si, si, yes I do The sheriff's office had called And given a detailed description, that's what Yamon said But when I got here to the scene

I could hardly wrap my head around it You want me to come tow a car? Yeah, we'll be right there. What the how do you pull that off out of? How do I get it out of the house? He said, we've pulled a lot of cars, even semis out of buildings, but never that are completely off the ground. Now, this is where it gets fun.

The driver, Elva Richards of Wabika, was still in the driver's seat, unconscious or in some sort of altered state. When a sheriff's deputy arrived, when he came to, he removed his seatbelt and then just proceeded to fall or jump 15 feet to the ground. The guy was like, he's stuck

into the car. He takes it off, just looks at the guy. He's like, hey, I'm going down. And he actually could have walked down the steps. Completely. He could have just gone through the bedroom. This is where I get off. Meanwhile, Ted Kennedy is somewhere going like, I wish there was a house blocking the lake.

If that was the problem, I'd be fine. I'd have a whole different life. I'm going to show you guys a picture of what he looks like. The guy who drove. Yeah, Alva Richards. And he just looks like he's like, what? I didn't do it. First of all, I can't tell if he needs to shave or just shaved.

Look at him. He's had a normal night. First of all, he looks like everyone who's ever done improv at UCB. Right. Jeff, Jason, and I are like great head of hair. First things first. Like insanely good. I'm jealous of the guy's hair.

How does that guy get good hair? It's a waste of a beautiful head of hair. It's a beautiful head of hair. Richard told the deputy he smokes marijuana daily and eats cannabis oil gummies to control his disorder. That's all fine, but I don't know why you're driving. What's his disorder? Bad driving? What does that have to do with you driving airborne?

It's a very rare chitty-chitty-bang-bang disorder. Inside the van, police found marijuana and a grinder. Richard is now charged with second-degree reckless endangering safety and possession of marijuana. Oh, boy. Annette Benline said Richards, who was on his way to work in Germantown, came to her house. On his way to work? That's what she said. Wow.

Where does he work? He was on his way to work when he came by her house to apologize. Oh, I thought he was on his way to work when he landed in their bedroom. She said, she feels bad for him. She said, get out of my bedroom. She said, the husband was like, does this count as a three-way? Right. It did, actually, with the car, but not Alva.

No. And then she said something to him that could go for any single person we've ever talked about in Dumpy Will Town. What did she say? Annette said, I just told him, do something good with your life. Jesus. He needs that. That's like her saying, make up for it.

Make up for what you just did. I love that. The wisdom of a woman. 73-year-old woman. Do something good with it. By the way, our mom is 73. And with it. Very with it.

I think you've met our mom. Yeah. And she gets up to pee a lot. It's annoying sometimes when I'm trying to hang on a second. She's single. Hold on. We're going to get out of here on this. I've shown you his photo. Anybody else can go see

his photo first if they want by going to the Dumb People Town Facebook page. How old do you think Alva Richards is? And you've seen his photo. Now this can be deceiving. 4 a.m., he's driving around. He somehow gets airborne over a retaining wall. Gummies.

Goes into the side of a house. How old do you think he is? We saw his picture. Yeah. So he was 29 or 30. Okay, 29 or 30. I think he's 24. Jason Slar says 24.

I think he's 36. 36. Yeah. 35 from Jeff's cousin. Jeff's cousin says 24. I think he's 36. 36. Yeah. 35. 35. From Jeff's cousin. Jeff's cousin says 35. I'm going to tell you right now that one of you is exactly right.

Oh, yeah. Now. Now we get to play the second game. Who do you think is right? Exactly right. Well, I said 29 or 30, so I'm not the winner. Well, one of those numbers could be. Do you think you're right? Do you think I'm right? Let's do it again. What'd you say? I said 29 or 30, so I'm not the winner. Well, one of those numbers could be. Do you think you're right?

Do you think I'm right? Let's do it again. What'd you say? I said 24. Jason's color says 24. I said 36. I said 29 or 30. Aaron, is he included in this? Yeah, he's one of the guests.

I can't find it. I'm just saying you're right. I can't find it. He said 35, and you said what? I said 36. I think I'm right. Okay. I think it's 29. Okay. I think Jeff's right. I think fine. He said 35, and you said what? I said 36. I think I'm right. Okay. I think it's 29.

Okay. I think Jeff's right. I think it's 29. Guys, get your answers in right now. And who you think is right. Whoever you are, yes. Here we go. Because Alva Richards is 35 years old.

Oh! Jeff's cousin! Jeff's cousin with the win! Aaron just walks in here. Aaron, the dark horse. And he nails it. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, more.

Signs by Aaron on Facebook. Signs by Aaron. Follow him. Giving you a plug. Dan, give me a little taste of our final story. Yeah. I'm pretty sure Greg Barrett stole something. Okay.

All right, here we go. After the break, we'll find out. It's dumb people town with jeff ross right after this hey guys welcome back to dumb people town we have jeff ross with us who i i'm not going to give anything away but his battle with blake griffin which is also part of this series the latest season of roast battle 3 is unbelievable it is so good and so funny The visual joke that happens at the beginning is one of my favorite. It was really, really fantastic. Thank you. Love that you guys came out for that. Always. My first

roast battle. We both did our first roast battle. For the first time in a battle. For being around it and a part of it for so long. I just love this show so much because there are moments that happen and I don't even know if I've ever gotten to tell you. I forget the guy's name who's in the wheelchair joe urell joe urell so e-u-r-e-l-l he wins a battle and i believe you were there for it he wins a battle and he's won a bunch in la at the belly

room in the belly room and he gets lifted up by people right and they just hoist him in the air like he like he's the head coach of notre Notre Dame and they just won the national championship. He gets literally heroes for his work, for his brain, for his ability to develop this and do this stuff. I think about his parents and I think like there were probably a moment when his parents were sort of saddled with what was going on with him health-wise

and said he'll never have a moment on his own, completely on his own, where he is sort of in the world with able-bodied people and able to compete. And here is this moment. And I think about that at times when I'm not there, and it makes me cry with joy. I love that. The roast battle is great enough that it is something that can reward. It's almost like Game of Thrones.

I watch Game of Thrones, and I'm like, oh, this is great because the underdogs really have a chance to win in certain ways. And in roast battle, everybody's equal. You step up to the mic. I love that. And they treat you. They don't shy away from your... Yeah, no. You are going to be treated the way... You're not treated with kid gloves. That's the point of the roast battle. What's said in those rooms,

I feel like out of context would get people into a lot of trouble. But in the context of the roast battle, it's like done out of context would get people into a lot of trouble but in the context of the roast battle it's like done out of love it's any you know when if anybody ever comes with anything mean the whole room is like whoa what was that that was too mean yeah that was just mean with no comedy behind it come on people snap but uh you know it is a very roasting is a very normalizing thing more and more disabled people will come on stage during my stand-up shows and and asked to be roasted along with the lineup that I'll do and you're because one of my best friends growing

up Mark Hinkes you know my high school pal he's he's on he walks with um with arm braces yeah he was in a car accident in high school and he walks on his arms basically and the only time he feels insulted is when you leave him out of arm braces. Yeah. He was in a car accident in high school, and he walks on his arms, basically. And the only time he feels insulted is when you leave him out of the jokes. That's it. As soon as you treat him differently, he gets offended. Right.

A lot of people, I think. And people just like feeling like they're part of the fun. Right. Because you, and Rickles said it the best, you never take down someone you don't love. You always take down the people that you love. Of course. And you always say, if you can take it, you don't love right you always take down the people that you of course you always you always say if you can take it you're a big person yeah and he would say that at the end and tonight you guys have been very big to me yeah and that's what it is

you you you assume a lot about someone when you say i'm going to go into you all right this season of roast battle you guys have every tuesday at 10 you guys for all summer long there you go all right ready no let's jump into this last story sent in in by Robert Smirkanski at Matted Blubber. Smirkanski. This guy sells his own. He makes his own sausage, Polish sausage that he sells out of the trunk of his car. But it's overpriced. It's overpriced.

He's like, my wife made the packaging. What can I do about it? They're all kind of grimy, but you owe me $5. Niles Ohio. Niles police chased down two suspects who had just jumped a train. Accused of shoplifting from PetSmart then escaping together

on one motorcycle. So they rob a PetSmart, which is a crime of necessity. Why else would you rob a PetSmart? Not of money. Because the fish needs food. Right. According to the Niles Police Department. Your girlfriend is not that attractive.

According to a Niles Police Department. I rob from PetSmart. Or your boyfriend. Facebook page. A call came in around 1130 a.m. So they're planning this. Daytime. This is a morning heist.

Daytime heist of a PetSmart. On Monday, they report that two men took a large fish aquarium, then fled on a motorcycle while the back passenger held it. The picture of these two, and you tell me who the driver looks like, even though they blurred his face. I think that's a comic we know. That does look like Greg Barron a little bit. Doesn't it? All right. So the guy in the back has a giant box that looks too big to carry an old school TV. These guys look like they work for the band Sublime. Also, that's a horrible getaway car.

Everyone can see you and identify you. And everybody has a train to jump on. Yeah, I know. In Ohio. In Ohio. Those guys look down on these two. The getaway car is in the second story of that other house. Yeah, exactly.

All the stories come together. It's like a Paul Thomas Anderson movie. It's like Magnolia. You guys should find your best episode ever and write a screenplay that ties all three stories together. Oh, my God. Or shorts. You could do 20 shorts. I mean, that's the beauty of all these things is that you do feel like the dumbness interconnects all of us in some way. You should do Drunk History.

Exactly. There it is. But make them tell what they did, but when they're sober. They have to admit it. I don't know. It's just a lot of people standing around going, I don't know what I did then. Well, I think someone dared me.

That'd be a lot of them. There's a lot of, then I blacked out. Right. But you look at the photo, and it looks like if he accelerates at all, that guy's with the box flying off backwards. A responding officer saw a motorcycle with a passenger carrying an aquarium, as I said, horrible getaway car. Horrible. On Route 46, and then he turned around to give chase.

According to police, the passenger got off the motorcycle with the aquarium, dumped the aquarium, and began running on West Street. That makes me think this was like a birthday gift. Like, why do you need the aquarium that bad? The cops are after you. Don't try to carry something that huge. That's a great question, Jeff. Why do you need an aquarium that badly? I'm going to guess that it had a personal connection.

Of course. It was an ex-girlfriend's aquarium. It was Nana's aquarium. He broke it, and he's got to get a new one. There was a personal mission behind that. The passenger, Mitchell Adkins, two last names, was taken into custody and another officer chased after the driver. Now, I've been on the Adkins diet, which means you lift up an aquarium, you run from a motorcycle every day. It's a lot of aquarium running. Right.

Police say a few minutes later, the motorcycle was found on the ground behind Chef Pang on North Main Street. When officers began to search the area, they found a man they described as nervous-looking behind a home on Franklin Street. Oh, you mean just some random guy hiding behind a home? Who's that? Oh, that's the nervous guy in our backyard. You don't know Nervous Greg? Honey, does Nervous Greg want to come in for dinner? I made extra lamb chops.

He wants to, but he's got to pace. He's got to pace. This is my favorite part. So they see the guy behind a house, the copster. What are you up to, man? This is what he decides to do. Officers said the man began to furiously prune a small tree with his bare hands. What? Yeah, exactly. I'm a gardener with his bare hands. What?

Yeah, exactly. I'm a gardener. I'm here. I'm hired by the family. I do it all by hand, man. One leaf at a time. You want it done right, it's got to be meticulous. We don't do enough things by hand anymore.

Artisan tree barking removal. While nervous. While nervous. Nervous artist. He told officers he was there to do yard work. He also told the officers he saw the suspect run east. Going that way. That's it.

That's it. You can't be like, look, I'm just going to be honest with you. The guy you're looking for ran that way. Didn't say we were looking for a guy. No one said that. Right. That's what you're doing. Listen, the guy with the aquarium, he ran that way.

What guy? No one mentioned the aquarium. No one mentioned it. He's got a lot of detail. The fish went that yellow. Aquarium this way, fish went that way. Police say they didn't buy the aquarium. He's got a lot of details. The fish went that yellow. Aquarium this way, fish went that way. Police say they didn't buy the story and the officer who originally gave chase was called to the scene to identify the man who

was hiding behind the house. He was the driver of the motorcycle, Christopher Binion. Heir to the Binion? No, I don't know. Both suspects have been charged with theft offenses and Binion was also charged with multiple traffic charges including failure to comply now i'm gonna let you guys we saw a picture of him on a bike

they just blurred their faces whose age do you want to guess christopher binion the driver behind a house or yes furiously pruning a tree furiously pruning a tree or mitchell adkins who won't give up an aquarium and tried to run with it on foot. Let's give it to Christopher Binion. The nervous man behind the house. You are our guest. Do you want to go first? I need a little more. Recap this guy. This part. I want to make an educated guess. I will also bring

back up the photo. So he drove the motorcycle, drove the getaway car. Christopher Binion is driving the motorcycle. He is the getaway for them on the aquarium he looks like dr drew he decided to hide behind house his best story he could come up with is that he was hand pruning a tree and then tried to tell the cops which direction to go this is a guy who's not afraid to wear a sweatshirt with shorts right he's 32 32 years old that was just okay straight up i

think he's 30 37 37 from Randy Sklar. This guy's 46 years old. He's wearing sunglasses in a picture. It's not an easy. It's not an easy. What do you think? I'm saying 28. 28.

28 years old. All right, Jeff's cousin, 28. Okay. Aaron. Designs by Aaron. Okay. One R. One R.

Just from we are going with Christopher Binion, the driver, right? Okay. He is. Oh, let me first say, one of you is exactly right. If it's Aaron, I'm walking out of here. Or give him his own podcast. We're going to get out of here on this. So tell me right now, who do you think is right?

I think it's Aaron, for Christ's sake. He's going twofer? Twofer. Do you think you're right? I think I'm right, for Christ's sake. He's going twofer? Twofer. Do you think you're right? I think I'm right. Okay. I think I'm right. 46 years old.

Christopher Bennion. I said 37. Get your answers in now, Tony. Is 46 years old. Yes! He's our age. I felt it. What the hell?

Yeah, we're old dudes. Okay. It's that simple. There we go, guys. Dumb comes at every corner of your life. Every decade of your life. Every decade of your life, you can be dumb. It doesn't matter how.

Jeff Ross, thank you for joining the show today. So happy to have you on the show. And look, it's fun to roast dumb, isn't it? It's fun to roast period. Yes, it really is. It really, having gotten a taste in our mouth. I absolutely love it. And I do think you'll see it in our stand-up act moving forward.

Thanks to you, Jeff Ross. Roast Battle again tonight. Roast Battle 3. Roast Battle 3, Season 3 tonight. We're next Tuesday. It's every Tuesday night at 10. Just go ahead and see us. There'll be a highlight promo for your guys' battle tonight.

At the end of this battle. Yeah, so you'll get a little taste of it. Watch tonight and get a little taste of it for next week. I can't wait, and thank you for giving us the opportunity. Oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Think of the world of you guys. Thank you. I love it.

It's a good show.