Dumb People Town - Jeffrey Baldinger - Smash and Tug

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

This week Jeffrey Baldinger comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is about one man's dinner adventure.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population U. Population Baldinger. Me. Jeffrey Baldinger. So we just hung out with Jeff up in Portland. He opened for us or featured for us in Portland and Seattle. Phenomenal.

Great time, right? It was so much fun, you guys. It was a blast. I loved going up there with you guys. It was so much fun, guys. It was a blast. I loved going up there with you guys. It was so much fun. We ate great food. The crowds were amazing. We went to the EMP.

Yep. We taught Jay how to do a little dray on the keyboard. It's no longer called the EMP. It's called the Pop Culture Museum, and they had a huge Kardashians exhibit around the back. It was around the back. Oh, really? It was kind of a large bubble.

It was really big. It bubbled up, and it just popped around the back. It was around the back. Oh, really? It was kind of a large bubble. It was really big. It bubbled up and it was just popped in the back. It actually blocked out the space needle. Well, the space needle tried to insert itself into it, which was a bizarre. It was too small to get in from the back. Why was the space needle trying to get inside the back of the area? This is wild.

We took the Sean Kemp's children walking tour and saw every neighborhood in Seattle. Did you guys go out for steak bites after the Portland show? No, we should have. God damn it. My wife was at the event. We went to- We had a great night in Portland.

Great day. We went to the something, something, the White Horse Social Club. Was it the White Horse Social Club? With our friends from Fun Employment Radio. Yeah, for sure. Sarah. Sarah. Did a little karaoke. Yeah, for sure. Sarah. Sarah. Did a little karaoke.

Greg the Nibbler. Then we went from there to chopsticks and we did karaoke. Oh, wonderful. It was so fun. It was a blast. Late, deep in the night, and we just had a great time with those guys. Shout out to Fun Employment Radio. Fun Employment.

Fun Employment. But I'll say this. They're great. I'm glad that show's still going. Dan, you know what is the best thing, and you understand this as you go out on the road and go out with people, you want someone that's funny, that sets the table well for you, and is a good hang. Fun.

100%. Fun hang. This guy's it. Jeffrey, all three. Jeffrey, guess what? The world's still dumb. I mean, we went out and kind of explored it, but there's just a lot of stupidity out there. A lot of dumb people out there.

So our fans send us stories. Go to hashtag, at Dan Ovenker, hashtag, no people tell me. Boom. Then he knows who sent it and when. Let's get a story right now. You ready? Yes.

I'm excited to hear it. This was sent in by Big Zo Rehab at Diamond Zo. Multiple nicknames. Big Zo Rehab is like- Big Zo Rehab. It's like, I'm going to Big Zo Rehab. It sounds like a Montana rehab facility. Yeah.

Come on down to Big Zo's Rehab. We got all kinds of rehab down going to Big Zo rehab. It sounds like a Montana rehab facility. Come on down to Big Zo's rehab. We got all kinds of rehab down here at Big Zo's. Hey, Big Zo, you got a knee problem? We'll get your knee problem out of there. Ain't no rehab like a Big Zo rehab because the Big Zo rehab don't quit. Boom. Big Zo rehab, knock it off. Just buried.

No, Big Zo rehab, walk it off. Yeah. Big Zo rehab, what's the problem? Big Zo rehab, push it down. You'll be fine. Big Zo rehab, you don it off. Big Zo Rehab, what's the problem? Big Zo Rehab, push it down. You'll be fine. Big Zo Rehab, you don't know what it's like, okay? You don't know what it's like. Hey, easy, easy, easy.

They don't know what it's like. I know. They don't have to know. They don't know what it was like for me when I started this rehab. It was just Zo. Okay, all right. I always like when people do talk to me when it doesn't apply. Talk to me when you're like, why would that happen in my life that talk to me when you're

born and raised in nebraska talk to me you get left out in the rain at six years old like i'm 40 talk to me when you start a rehab what why would i start my own rehab coming to you for my knee yeah talk to me when you've done talk to me when my wife divorces you She's not going to I'm not married to your wife And here I thought we were just going to do a Seals and Crofts run on Diamond Zoe Diamond Zoe He went to Diamond Zoe Alright, ready for this headline? Man broke into local diner and more

First of all, I get it And more And more What more do you mean? Here's the deal You don't want to'm interested in the diner here's the deal here's the deal you don't want to you don't want to

break into a local diner because the owner is probably on the premises and your picture is probably on the wall that's right as favorite customer of the week

probably break into a Denny's like anytime are you ready for me to throw a bomb they wouldn't even notice hang on I've gone into so many Denny's

without them noticing is everybody ready for me to throw a bomb in the center of this podcast? Absolutely. Blow it up. Are you going to say you hate diners? Nope. I'm going to be even more specific and say I don't like something that is typically served at diners.

If it's an open-faced turkey sandwich, it's going to divide this crowd. It's going to divide this room. You don't like a skillet? I don't like home fries. The big, thick fry. Get it out of here. With some peppers and onions thrown in there?

Steak fries? Really? No, he's talking about, I like shoestring fries. Don't give me that. You're talking about steak fries. Oh, you're talking about steak fries? Steak fries. Fat, big, fat fries.

I love a good steak fry. Is that a question? Well done. It's hard for them not to be cooked properly. You're being dumb now. You've got to ask for them well done. Get it out of here. You've got to get them well done.

Sometimes you're just, if they're not well done, you're just getting like a lightly cased potato. Yeah, it's just, and poorly mashed. Soggy, floppy. I don't want it. Get it out of here. What about in like a poutine? Yeah, poutine. Excuse your language.

That's when you want that. I know. I'll take, I guess. Oh, man, you scared me. I like the want it. Get it out of here. What about in like a poutine? Yeah, poutine. Excuse your language. That's when you want that. I know. I'll take, I guess. Oh, man, you scared me. I like the poutine. Quick question. Yeah. You too, Jeff.

Yeah. What's up? Are any of you, do you guys have, is your pictures up anywhere? Pictures up anywhere. Oh, is our picture up anywhere, Ran? At a restaurant? Yeah, or a dry cleaner. Dry cleaner, I think.

Really? No. Isn't it? No. There's got to be somewhere in St. Louis in the Creve Coeur that somebody puts you guys up. Is your picture up in Rochelle? No. It should be. Is your picture in a diner? My picture is not up in a diner. My picture is

up in the offices of DreamWorks. Really? Yeah, they did a comedy show there one time. Oh, I guess, yeah, mine was up at UCB Sunset. But now everything's down from there. Yeah, exactly. They closed down shop. I would say our picture's up at the Improv.

Improv, yeah. And the Comedy Store. And at the Comedy Store. But we need to give them a new picture. Is that the old one from us? Yeah. Is that when you walk up the front stairs uh yeah yeah that's that's where uh you guys are my god it's so

old new york one from 1997 like shot dutch you have some new great ones too yeah i would love to be on a diner wall uh so i would love to break into a diner wall well this guy did it's what a montgomery town trip man was arrested on two sets of charges Thursday morning after he allegedly broke into American Star Diner and stole food, then broke into another business. They don't give specifics on what the other business is. They will. Robert Dugan.

That is the name of him. Robert Dugan. If your name is Robert Dugan, you are going to break into something. His name was Robert Dugan. If your name is Robert Dugan, you are going to break into something. His name was Robert Dugan. Yeah. And no one calls him Robert. They only call him Bobby or Duggs. Nobody knows.

There's a handful of his friends that don't know his first name. Yeah. Dugan. Dugan. Is Dugan coming? Just on name alone, you know he's kicked a door. Yeah. Just on name alone, you know he's kicked a door. Just on name alone, you know he's kicked a dog.

Oh, please no. Oh, I hope not. Robert Dugan has been charged with two counts of felony burglary, one count of felony criminal mischief. Felony criminal mischief. Dugan's a felony. And misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and theft by unlawful taking in connection with the incidents.

Dugan was captured on surveillance at the American Star Diner on Welsh Road at 4.30 a.m. This is why your diner should be 24 hours. This wouldn't have happened. Oh, my God. Absolutely. What diner is this? Diners always have to be 24 hours. Don't blame the victim.

On March 31st, where he broke the locking mechanism on the front door and forced his way inside. First off, I'm going to show you guys a picture of the American Star Diner. Did he kick the lock? The American Star Diner is gorgeous. That's a cool-looking diner. It doesn't look like a local diner. It's not my favorite. I feel like it's a local chain diner.

It does look like a steak and shake. Like a local diner, I think of Mickey's Diner in Minneapolis. This looks like the diner in Diner a little bit, actually. What if in Minneapolis there's a neighborhood, a very wealthy area called E-Diner? Minneapolis. There is. What if they had a diner called E-Diner? E-Diners.

They should have. That would be a good call. Do they? I want to look it up and see. They don't. I bet they do. What about the E-Diner? E-Diner.

Eat it. E-Diners. E-Diners. Eat it. Eat it. Diner is an E-Diner. Yeah. Eat it. Diner to look it up and see. They don't. I bet they do. What about the Edina Eat Diner? Eat it, eat diners, eat diner. Eat it, diners, and eat diner. Yeah. Eat it, diners. Diners, diner. It's diners, diner, and eat diner. Suddenly became a Pete Holmes bit. So this is what I refer to.

I don't know if this is official. Listen to me. I refer to this as a chrome diner. You know what you guys get? This is like what was in Greece. That's exactly what this one looks like. I'm not a huge fan of chrome diner. You know what you guys get? This is like what was in Greece. That's exactly what this one looks like. I'm not a huge fan of chrome diners. I like wood panel diner.

I like mid-century, like Astro Diner with the bright orange brick. You like the rock wall. I like a 60s, 70s diner. Like what Johnny Rockets is based off of. That's a chrome, right? That's chrome. Johnny Rockets is chrome. But it's like 60s, 70s rock and roll. I know what you like.

Chrome is close to rock and roll. You like Pulp Fiction, Final Stand. Big orange or green booths. I like a booth. A roof that comes out to a point. Is that called a mid-century? Is that called a mid-century?

It's a mid-century. Is it called a koogee? Isn't that what that design is? All the norms are built like this. Somebody's yelling at me at their phone right now. Just relax. But you know what I'm talking about. I love how there's somebody yelling at you about the diner.

Oh, 100%. Guarantee there are. Jeffrey, there are too. It's amazing. Somebody's writing a tweet right now that starts with, actually. You have no idea. Actually, they're called.

Once inside, Dugan allegedly stole. Ready? Can we make predictions on what he stole? Go for it. Robert Dugan. 4.30 in the morning, you get whatever you want at a diner. All of the whipped cream. The little guy called.

To do whippets at some point. To do whippets. That's actually a great call. That's drug related. I'd say he stole the cash register. I think he stole a couple of bags of frozen fries. He stole an entire cheesecake. You guys, you got to think about that pie case.

The pie casing. He stole an entire cheesecake. No. We won an entire cheesecake and half of a prime rib roast. It's like Thanksgiving dinner. Then exited the diner through the broken front door. I'll take that. And he didn't take any whipped cream? No. Now look. the diner through the broken front door. I'll take that.

And he didn't take any whipped cream? No. Now look. For the rib roast? For the cheesecake. I don't like stealing. I don't like breaking out. I know that's a hot take.

No, it is a hot take. But honestly, that's... I get it. You're going to die on that hill? I get it. Wanting, like being so drunk that you're like... Was he drunk though? We're going to assume.

Well, that's the thing. I don't know. Was Dugan drunk? Total, it's 4.30 in the morning. We can't assume. Yeah, he could just be driven. At 4.30, not being drunk, I have craved a cheesecake before.

4.30 is definitely not waking up early to do this. This isn't from the night before. This is the first thing he's doing in a day. Yeah, he's been up for 20 nights. I would love it if this was the first thing he did during the day. He got kicked out of a bar. He got kicked out of another bar. Dan, I got to wake up early, set the alarm early,

break into the American Diner, steal a cheesecake and half a rib roast. Then I got to go do laundry. Then I got to go to the bank. Then I got to go to the gym. Then I got to go to the gym to work off the rib roast. You're like Henry Hill. No, no, no. I think he was scoping out the place for weeks.

He knew the time. He knew the schedule. He planned it out. He's like, 4.30 is my time. He's going to get up at 3.30, do a bunch of jumping jacks, make sure that he's in shape to get that lock open. Dugan plans ahead. I just want Jeff Ross to roast this guy in prison.

I don't know why I've been seeing so many clips of Jeff Ross because I like him on TikTok. Jeff Ross was roasting these women in a women's prison. It was making me laugh. So he looked out and he was like, oh my god, you're pregnant? And calls her up and he's like, what did you

rob a sperm bank? I screamed. I was laughing so hard. I'm like, that's the best. Like, Jeff, you could walk away from comedy. It's so loving, too. And she was laughing and loving it.

She was crying with a smile. It was, like, nice and sweet, but, like, literally a walk-off Grand Slam World Series championship. Like, he could walk away from comedy after making that joke that's a brilliant joke alright total loss

for the business including stolen food and damage to the front door was in excess of how much money now you know this he broke the door

broke the door he stole an entire cheesecake half a prime rim roast of a prime rim roast and there's no other like he didn't take silverware, he didn't take napkins. No, he's not an a-hole, he just wants some food. He just wants the food in the door.

And was the cheesecake in the glass case? Was that broken at all? No word given. I think that's all fine. He opened it, removed it. He might have taken the glass thing that was sitting on it. Very respectful. And this looks like a very, you know, it looks like a chrome diner.

It doesn't look like a local, it looks like a chrome diner. It doesn't look like a local. It looks like a chain diner. Sure is what you say, yes. It does. What's your guess? Okay, let's see. Full cheesecake, I'm going to say, you know, $20. $20.

Plus tip. Yeah, I remember. He broke the door, too. He broke the door, too. I know, I know. So I'm adding it up. So full cheesecake, about $20. Yeah, I remember.

He broke the door, too. He broke the door, too. I know, I know. So I'm adding it up. So full cheesecake, about $20. Half of a prime rib, let's say diner prime rib, let's say $10. Okay. $30. $30.

$30 plus the damage to the door, I'll say $930. $930. Wow. You showed a lot of work. Jason, what do you think? I'm going to say $1,500. $930. Wow. You showed a lot of work. Jason, what do you think? I'm going to say $1,500. $1,500. I'm going to say $630.

$630. Okay. Okay. We're going to take a quick break. Are we doing prices right rules? Closest to the pin. Closest to the pin from wherever you go. Okay.

We'll take a break. When we come back, we'll find out everything Jeff has going on, everything we have going on, and we'll find out what the estimated total loss to the business was for cake, cheesecake, cheesecake. And we'll try and figure out why he did it. And the other business. He still has another place to go. He had the other business. Oh, and more.

And more, you guys. Another business. And another business. Coming up on the other side of this break. Don't forget. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more.

Don't people town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show uh before we get into how you can follow and support jeff baldinger uh want to mention a couple things daniel van kirk has amazing uh virtual events that still connect those are actually on pause pause for now yeah there's still trivia and stuff like that but go to danielvankirk.com for any of that stuff or sign up on my Patreon where some things will still be happening. Do that. We can tell you this right now. On September 9th and 10th, we're going to be in Ann Arbor.

Ann Arbor, Michigan. At the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase as part of the EmGo blog weekend. Weekend. It's going to be so much fun. If you want to come see us, you might only have three opportunities. That's in the fall. That's lined up with a game? That is with the Hawaiian games.

The Hawaii games. So if you want a Hawaiian vacation in Ann Arbor, come see us that weekend. It's your Hawaii weekend. So that's that. When I think of Hawaii, I think of Ann Arbor. You think of us in Ann Arbor. So do that. And then earlier than that, in August,

the Nosebleeds is going to come out. So we'll let you know how to do that. Just keep supporting us on Patreon. Nosebleeds is great, by the way. Everybody should watch the Nosebleeds is going to come out, so we'll let you know how to do that. Just keep supporting us on Patreon. Nosebleeds is great, by the way. Everybody should watch the Nosebleeds when it comes out. I force Jeff to watch it. I force him to watch two episodes. On a train.

On a train. It's great. Thank you. But anyway, so that's it. And support us on Patreon. It's patreon.com slash collabbrothers. We do the Patreon with Dumb People Town. Extra content.

Jeff is going to tell us a fantastically dumb story from his life. Yes. But right now he's going to tell us where peopleastically dumb story from his life. Yes. But right now, he's going to tell us where people can see him and find him and all that stuff. Yeah, so my schedule is all on my website,

jeffreybaldinger.net. J-E-F-F-R-E-Y, Baldinger is spelled the normal way. And you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Jeff Baldinger, where I post all,

yes, you guys do, as of this past weekend. I'm forced to do that. I'm kidding. It was great. He was trying to tag me in a post, and he was like, do I not follow you? I was all, yes, you guys do, as of this past weekend. It's amazing. I'm kidding. It was great. He was trying to tag me in a post, and he was like, do I not follow you? It was an alarming moment.

We figured it out. We got through it. But then I'm not sure when this is coming out, but I'm going to be in Huntington Beach at the Rec Room this Thursday, the 26th. It probably won't come up before that, but if you have a chance to see you there, that's great. I love that you're doing that. You know,

it's really fun. You came down and featured for us down there. Absolutely. And I'm at the Ha Ha this weekend. I perform all over Los Angeles a lot. And you play piano in the original room

at the Comedy Store. Now, will they let you play anything but sort of old time ragtime? Yes. He does comedy. I'll play anything. They let me play anything

that I want to play. He's so funny. So when we come up from now, all the time, you've I'll play anything. They let me play anything that I want to play. He's so funny. So when we come up from now, all the time, you've got to play still. You've got to play Dre still. Anytime we come up. But what he does, which is so great in the original, is off of the bits that happen, he will then play a song that relates to what was just said. It's so good.

It's just fun. I like to make it. It enhances the experience. People know, I like to make it, you know, I like to. It enhances the experience. Like, Dan, if you did the bit. So, like, if you did the bit about the whips, let's say you did the whips, that he would come off and play. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.

It's great. Do-do-do-do-do. Crack that whip. Anyway, let's jump back in. Let's fill this. What was the guess for how much damage was done at the All-American Diner? I said 1,500. 1,500.

I said 930. 930. And I said 630. American Star Diner. Let's fill this. What was the guess for how much damage was done at the All-American Diner? I said $1,500. I said $930. And I said $630. You said $630. Okay. According to charging documents, the total loss for the business, including the stolen food and damage to the door, was... Let me change mine to $420. Okay.

Nice. It was $1,000. Way to go. That's so funny. I went the wrong way. You were $70 off. Have you fucked up a diner before? I eat a lot of diners.

Okay, so he exits the door with the half-prime rib roast and the cheesecake, right? Then, just after 6 a.m., a shirtless Dugan was captured on surveillance outside of Adult World on DeKalb Pike. Okay. Adult World. Now, was he shirtless before he went into the diner or after he left the diner? Post-diner. I don't know. I tell you, he ate a whole cheesecake and then he just got to take off his shirt.

Well, you got rib roast sweats. You don't want to mess up your shirt with your ribs. Do you guys want to hear a review on Google from Adult World? Did he Yelp Adult World? No. I just had to look it up. Like, what is Adult World, Dan? I feel like Dugan would have left a Yelp review on Adult World.

Not dirty on the inside like it is on the outside. Well, that's a compliment. What if Adult World was just a place you went to do adult responsibilities? Like apply for a mortgage. This is how you file your IRA. That's what they should call WeWork. Yeah, adult world. We're working here, guys.

The staff, okay, after they say not dirty on the inside like it is on the outside, the staff is about as knowledgeable as the selection. Not a lot and not the very best. This is a five-star review. That's the best review I've ever heard. I wouldn't give it. But that's really to be expected from such a small shop. Very friendly staff.

Decent selection. I would go back if I'm in the area. I love it. Which means they were passing through. And they were like, we're going to fucking adult world. You're going to a town and you're like, let's check out the adult entertainment. I don't specifically make an appointment to go to adult world.

It is one of those spur of the moment things. If I'm in the area. Go if you're already there, but don't make it a point. Don't go out of your way to go there, but if you're there. If it's on the way to where you're going. If you're already at the American Diner, if you're already at the din Diner, go to Adult World. Welcome to Adult World.

How can I help you? I would like to consolidate my student loans and refinance a house I can't afford. And get Tickle Bitties Volumes 1 and 2. I was just at the American Diner. No shirts, service. Once at Adult World, Dugan was observed striking a message board with a bat. Where did he get the bat? I don't know.

One just has these things in Robert Dugan's world. He was probably born with a bat. Causing it to break. Dugan then allegedly began striking windows of the business before repeatedly striking the glass front door, causing it to shatter. Footage showed Dugan... Was he getting charged late fees? He was trying to return something? Footage showed

Dugan leaning in through the shattered door. However, a female employee screamed at Dugan and he fled the scene on foot towards Costco. So I love that he's got a bat and yet a woman screamed at him. Also, 6 a.m. Adult World's open. So it was 4.30 when he went to the diner,

6 a.m. now that he's at. So he took some time to eat. Yes. It took him like an hour and a half to eat. To me, you have the bat. You've got a weapon that can destroy anything, and then the woman screams. This is like when that guy just said to the mountain lion,

get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get away from me. Get away. And the mountain lion just leaves. I hope he apologized, too. He's like, sorry.

Sorry. My bad. So then he runs away towards Costco, which is great. Obviously, he's a member. Of course he's a member. Membership has its privileges. Sanctuary. Total damage to adult world via broken windows and shattered front door.

And the message billboard was estimated at how much money? Windows, door, message board. Message board. Okay. So with the bat, and he's smashing it all up. The window. He crashed the door. He crashed the door.

And also, it seems like Adult World was open. Because there was an employee there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't need to smash. He didn't need to smash. So he was just there for pure destruction. Right. And so I'm going to go with $1,500.

I'm going to go with $1,500. Jay? So when you smash a window in an adult world, it's not a smash and grab. It's a smash and tug. Right. I thought you were going to say a demon gets its way. He just has a different version of the word smash.

Anyway. Sure. Yeah, you want to smash? I'm going to say $1,250. $1,250. I'm going to say $2,000. $2,000? Yeah.

That's a lot of bad stuff. Total damage to Adult World via the broken windows, the shattered front door, and the message billboard was estimated at $5,000. Wow! Oh! Dugan was subsequently taken into custody that morning and arraigned in the afternoon by District Judge Juanita Price, who set bail at $10,000. That's why it's a felony.

It's that expensive. We'll get out of here on this. He basically did a bar mitzvah's worth of damage. That's amazing. He got a lot in gift cards. We'll get out of here on this. How old is Bobby Dugan? BD.

Here's what you know about him. He likes cheesecake. Cheesecake. Half of a prime rib. A rib roast. He's what you know about him. He likes cheesecake. Cheesecake. Half of a prime rib. A rib roast. He's mad at the adult world. Shirtless. But it's also nicer on the inside

than it is on the outside anyway. Yep, yep, yep. And when the lady screamed, he ran off. He ran off. He ran away. So I'm going to say 38 and divorced. Okay.

Wow. I'm going to say 61. All right. Randy? 44. Randy? 44. 44? One of you is exactly right. Which means we now get to play the game, Who Do You Think Is Right?

Exactly right. This is the most fun game ever. I love that one game unlocks another game. Of course. This is amazing. We basically took a bat to the glass door of this game, and now we're in the ceiling. This is incredible. This is incredible.

Okay, so we're exactly right on the age. One of us. Okay. Do you want to stick with yourself, or do you want to switch to one of the Sklar brothers? I feel like it's either 38 or 44. Okay. I think 61 is too old for that level of abrasiveness. Okay. He might want to do that at 61, but he's like, I'm- old for that level of abrasiveness.

He might want to do that at 61, but he's like, I'll be able to have the cheesecake in the morning. Are you going to stick with yourself or go with Rand? I'm going to stick with myself. I'm going to stick with myself. I like my 60s. Wherever you are, yell it out. Yell it out in your in-home office.

This is so exciting! Yell it out in your in-home office. This is so exciting. Yell it out in your adult world WeWork. We'll get out of here on this. Tell everybody your handle one more time. I'm at Jeff Baldinger. Good. Okay, guys, ready? Robert Dugan.

Little Bobby Dugan. Is 38 years old. Yes! Jeffrey! What a performance. Feels good, doesn't it? I know my late 30s. Do I know my late 30s Do I know my late 30s? You have sadly and divorced

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