Dumb People Town - Jen Kirkman - Kimono Logic

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

This week, amazing comedian Jen Kirkman (Just Keep Livin'?) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk down in Dumb People Town! DVK shares his real life Seinfeld moment, before jumping into Story #1, in which police light a naked man on fire. Jen sheds so...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town So energetic You jumped in at the end I didn't mean to. We have a friend on the show who's a fellow comedian who we- And I have loved so much watching the rest of the world enjoy her as much as we enjoy her. I liken her experience in comedy right now, and you're just the way that people love you

and watch you, and your fans watching your Twitter. I do it for the fans. No, but you do it for yourself. But what I was saying was, remember when you came down and we told this story the last time you were on our other podcast, but I think it's a great metaphor for you.

Remember when you came down and you featured for us at Irvine at the improv down there? People didn't know who you were. This was like years ago. And we, of course, were like the biggest fans of yours. And you come down and these people, again, they were in Irvine. They're out.

It's not an alt room. Yeah. They're not like we're up on comedy and we know who this person is. You had to, in a relatively short period of time, in a 30-minute set, win them over to your point of view and your side of everything you were doing. This was before you were headlining. Okay. So this was a long time ago and we watched you in a 30 minute set take these relatively ocears oce you know orange county folk and bring them around to your side of thinking so much so that your last bit they were so into it and into you it was such an amazing like starting from zero yeah to get these guys on your side and i feel like that has been such a metaphor for you in the comedy world right

now your netflix specials i feel like you have a presence overseas like you've done shows in england and whatnot i do a little bit yeah in that fucking great it's great i wish i remembered that night in my heart the way you guys do but i've had many things like that when i first started going out on the road to henley it was like and then now i'm so comfortable i mean i also have my people coming but i can do that for any kind of people because i think the key is not to uh you're like i'll get them i'll get them yeah because we're all human right yeah and if i don't I don't, then I just, I'll just, you know, take a shit on the stage. Yeah. Which we've all done.

That's been a bit, I know you guys haven't seen that yet. Oh. Is that your closer? That's not her closer, actually. No, yeah. She comes back with another bit. I believe you do comedy after that. You know, that's how good I am.

But, you know, I used to take the shit on the stage when people were bad audiences. And now I'm like, you know what? Everyone loves it. So I just do it. It's just become a thing. Anyway people were bad audiences. And now I'm like, you know what? Everyone loves it. So I just do. It's just become a thing. Anyway. It's universal. And everyone poops.

Jen Kirkman, you're with us. And for those who don't know her, aren't familiar with her comedy, Dumb People Townies, check her out. You've got a couple of Netflix specials. What's your most recent one? It's called Just Keep Livin'. Yeah. And it came out recently.

It came out January. Yeah. And then I'm going. Came out January. Yeah. And then I'm going on tour. In support of that. You have books. And you got books and shit. So come see me, jennkirkman.com.

Click tour dates, motherfuckers. Yeah, I have books. Get the books. But what I love about you is your... Just come see me on tour. Your attitude.

No, come see her on tour and buy the book. Well, what do you think? Everyone's rich? Yeah, I do. Go to the tour. Yeah. Are you going to go see a movie?

No. Go out and see live comedy. Oh, no. Of course. Support it. But I'm saying, your attitude towards the subjects you tackle in your stand-up is so perfect for this show and what we do here on this show. For those who don't know, and for the Jen Kirkman fans who are coming to this show,

because I'm sure you're going to bring some of your people over here. You know I'll promo this. Oh, yeah. I know you will what we do on the show is Dan Van Kirk our lovely co-host in this venture

I had a real Seinfeld moment no relation to me with me Dan Van Kirkman I don't know if you remember I told you about it the same day

I remember being a kid in Rochelle, Illinois it's the heartland feeding the world and watching Seinfeld and being like how do they always they just happen to keep running into these people around the city like is that really how it happens

and then i was in new york oh right doing a show with doug benson and we had both gone to like our separate hotels because the sex wasn't great yeah but like we had gone to our separate hotels yeah hotels. Awkward. Yeah, you know how it is. He likes to cuddle. I see Jen Kirkman on Broadway on a phone and kind of looking up and ducking into a star, like crossed right in front of me. I had a big meeting I was late for. Couldn't find the address.

Not thinking of anything, I think we had done a show together or something. I knew that you were writing in New York or something like that. So I text Doug and I go, I just saw Jen Kirkman run into a Starbucks on Broadway. And Doug just right backs, that's New York, baby. I love that you text that like Doug's like, okay.

Because I just thought it was so random. I'm like, who else would appreciate this? And then you just sort of in the background, boom, ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom. And you're like, what is that? Oh, it's just a guy. Did you see her again? That's what makes it the

sign thing then later on that night i end up at a party because edgar wright was on doug's show with us so then invited doug and i to his new york premiere of baby driver after party and then doug and i get to this party and jen Jen Kirkman is there and I see friends and guests of Edgar Wright to just want to make yeah I wasn't like three and you drop you drop something oh sorry yes and then we we met and hung out on the roof yeah but it was such a like oh it does happen but people then you see later in the city it's like Louie's old bit it's like God's running out of extras is that his bit I don't know oh my God, that's really funny. In the movie that is your life. In the movie that is your life.

He's running out of extras, so you just run and say, I see that guy again. Oh, that guy with the thing. Oh my God, I love, I wish I thought of that. What a great idea. I know, that's,

I hate that. So here's how this show works. This show works is that we have great fans who listen to the show, dumb people townies, who go out and find amazing stories that are harrowing and crazy and then send

them to dan we have not heard them we're with you jen we have not heard the first time randy and me and i've barely read them he's barely read them uh and no he has broken them down and the four of us just get to make fun of because as you know as i'm sure you know from all the people who tweet at you the world is becoming a dumber place it is. It is. You get a lot of heat on Twitter because you're opinionated. You throw it out there. And I do not agree that like,

oh no, it's always been dumb. We're just seeing it. No. No. It is getting dumber. Because dumb is getting rewarded in a way that it hasn't

in the past. Yeah. It used to be, you know, it used to be in school. Remember like the dumbest kids? Brian, Brian,

actually, Brian Regan had a great bit about that. Like the dumb kid in the Spelling Bee. There's a phenomenal bit about like he'd be in the Spelling Bee and there'd always be that one kid who was just- Who was purposely trying to fail. Purposely trying to fail. Cat. He'd be like, K-A-T.

And I'd be like, you're done. Sit down. And you just walk back and be like, I knew there were two Ts. But I mean, the idea that that kid was cool because he was being dumb we had those kids in our school we had those people who were like the coolest kids were also the dumbest kids and that works until you're 16 but i'm saying like now adults are being rewarded for being dumb and so the only way to combat that is to try and make fun of it and that's what we do here yes love it so daniel what do we have i could i'm gonna read you just the

headline and see how you feel about it. Just the tip. Yep. Here we go. Manitowoc, Wisconsin police have trouble subduing naked man. Okay. Now, Manitowoc has had their fair share. Steven Avery. Steven Avery. If you watched making a murder on Netflix.

Oh, no. I don't watch anything murder. Too scary. Too scary. Why? Don't even watch Law and Order. It messes with my head. I don't know.

Do you think you're going to get murdered? No, I think I'm going to murder someone. I'm not even kidding. I get neurotic about like, well, what if I did that? I just like,

don't like anything murder. Okay. I mean, obviously, I'm afraid of getting murdered. So one of the famous- You say, what if I did that? Yeah.

You put yourself in their shoes and be like, you don't want tips? I used to have a standup bit about it where I used to like obsess on like, oh my God, I hope I never murder anyone.

And then I went to a store once, and I saw these shoes. They were calling to me, and I looked at the label, and they were Bruno Mali. That's what OJ wore, and he murdered. And I was like, I have the same taste as a murderer. I have a murdering gene, just on fashion alone. Is it fear of getting railroaded, too? That you're like, what if someone thinks I killed a person? No, I have a fear of going insane and doing the most unthinkable thing.

I'd say that makes you healthy. When you're on a bridge and you're walking or just anywhere. I'm not worried about jumping. You don't say this. Subway or night? I'm worried about pushing someone. Pushing someone.

Wow. All right, so. Kirkman, laying it bare. Laying it bare. Manitowoc, Wisconsin is the home of where the trial was. Ann Beth Hoyt. For Ann Beth Hoyt.

And it's also where the trial of Stephen Avery, a guy who many people say was falsely accused. Some people say he was rightly convicted for a mysterious murder of a woman, and he just, it's... Most people would say, regardless, did not get due process. Did not get due process,

and so this place, Manitowoc, Wisconsin, if you watch the series on Netflix, gets blasted throughout this whole thing. Got it. Now they're trying to keep a naked man down. So what happened? Isn't anybody-

Can I just guess? Yes. Something to do with he ran out of his house because something was on fire. That is so nice. Like a meth lab, I'm saying. You're giving him so much credit. Oh, yeah. Meth lab.

All right, fine. This was sent in by Jake Magnusson, at Jake Magnusson on Twitter. Thanks, buddy. M-A-G-N-U-S-O-N. Thanks for sending it in. I agree. Manitowoc. This guy, you think, I mean, it's all his own fault, but he's having a bad day.

Okay, so Kirkman might be right here. Manitowoc. Manitowoc. Police officers arrested a Manitowoc man Friday evening for standing in the street without any clothes on. In the process, they accidentally set him on fire.

Okay. Wait a second! How did you know fire was going to be involved? You know that I have a weird psychic ability. Do you really? I had a friend

who wasn't able to conceive and I said, you're going to have a boy. I had a dream and she did. I have crazy, crazy instincts. I'm booking booking a trip to this is kind of dark but i'm booking a trip to barcelona for the holidays and i kept avoiding booking it because i was like i just have a feeling like barcelona hasn't had its moment that seems like a terror like a place ripe for terrorist attack and then that day that i was supposed to talk to my travel agent and

happened so okay so i have the fact that you have a travel agent is really bizarre to me i never have used one this is what's so funny my friend recommended that i do it for this trip and so i kept trying to connect with her anywho right and then as you know i predicted i know by the time this comes out but i predicted trump will resign this weekend so we'll see now you believe me i knew that happens you felt fire i felt it yeah anyway wow kirkman friday evening they tried to arrest him for standing in the street without any clothes on. In the process, they accidentally set him on fire. Are we that flammable without clothes?

I don't know. There's a whole series. What you're missing is Dan saying accidentally in air quotes. Yeah. Well. So what happened? Yeah. This is one of those.

We did this back with Tig on that. It's one of those like Magnolia, just a certain amount of circumstances happen. All in the same area. Also, this person's name, guys. Let's hear it. Perfect. Sometimes the name chooses the criminal.

Yeah, totally. It's like the sorting hat in Harry Potter. You get this name and it kind of tells you where it's going to go. Which, by the way, I went Billy Bob. Officers found Travisvis l tingler that is it man tlt tingler tingler effect so he calls his penis oh i was gonna say he does karaoke he's like because i'm tlt i've died of my those aren't the words tlt well it's one letter off he wouldn't know that right the tingler doesn't i knew there were two t's the tingler tlt i'm gonna tell you he definitely calls his dick the tingler that's just there's a thing tingler a lot of third person a lot of there's things tingler will do

there's some things that tingler won't do a lot of things he will just catch on fire they found travis l tingler in the 1100 block of South 25th Street near Hamilton Street. Put that on the walking map. Where he was shouting toward a home at the intersection that he had a knife and was going to gut people in the house. Okay. When you're naked, where is the knife? It better be in your hand. Yeah, it better not be. Or maybe you got a knife strap.

A little ankle strap with Yeah, yeah, yeah. That still counts as nude, right? Ankle strap with a knife if you're nude definitely counts as nude. If you want to fight someone in a house and you're naked with a knife saying, like, I'm really going to bring it. I'm going to cut you. They're probably not coming out. No. That's not a good lure.

By the way, I had a knock on my, this is how much I don't want to answer my door. Answering your door has become the equivalent of answering your home phone. Right. I had a knock on the this how much i don't want to answer my door answering your door has become the equivalent of answering your home phone right i had a knock on the door i opened the time on phone you have to have one for terrorism right i opened the the little people i saw that it was neighbors that i recognized and i still who i liked actually and i still was like what's going on here? Like, I couldn't open the door and just, that's how much I really didn't want to open it.

You gotta call on your cell phone and it's not a number you recognize. I come at them with so much anger, I answer. I'm like, what do you want? What do you want? What is it? I get mad. I'm like a guy that works at a car service

that's answering after hours because it's really, it's like, also his home. My mother does that. She hides. We have a really nice, back at my parents after hours because it's really also his home. My mother does that. She hides. We have a really nice, back at my parents' house, there's a really nice neighbor. She lived with her mom.

She sings in the church choir. She never got married. We don't know if she's ever been touched by a man. Or by an angel. She'll see people come home. And I agree with my mom.

Mom and dad pull up in the driveway after a weekend away or something. They walk into the house. She's ringing the bell half an hour later like, thought I'd bring you some muffins I made. And my mom's like, Maureen, she's just not like me.

Like, I don't need people coming over. Maureen is just a little bit. She's a little too much for me. She's just got like nothing going on. And she comes over. I go, I don't want muffins. I eat my 0% frozen yogurt. I'm tired.

And so she goes on and on. Yeah. So everybody, so I think I have a couple of Maureens in my neighborhood. You're like that every time. I knock on your door and before you- Randy, you have the fake Maureen. When you're three steps from your door, you constantly do this. Yep.

Yep. Like you let the, like you've gotten me up and I'm coming to answer my God damn- You're saying yep? Yeah. Like an old man? It just happened last week. I walk, I knock. yep like you let you've gotten me up and I'm coming to answer my god damn you're saying yep like an old man it just happened last week I walk I knock

and then you'll hear I don't know what I'm trying to project I don't know what I'm trying to project in that situation I just don't want Maureen coming over

with the muffins figuratively yeah well I think saying yep too makes it seem like you're busy with something right I got something else

going on yep I've been pulled on all sides here. I've got to get the door. Yeah. A lot of things going on back here. You throw a pee at my family, we just go vowel all the way to the end.

Yeah. Why are you knocking on his door? Yeah. Because his door is always locked. If he comes over, I don't keep the door. I lock the door in LA, but if someone is yelling outside of your house

naked with a knife, then I'm going to come in and gut you. Does Maureen bring that guy muffins? I don't think so. I thought you might want some muffins. And a sweater. I don't think she's comfortable with naked men. I also like that I presumed that this man lived in the neighborhood. He probably maybe was just running around.

Exactly. Might be his favorite neighborhood. This is what I love. He's standing there screaming with a knife naked in the street at a house. The next sentence is this. Travis Tingler told officers he wasn't doing anything wrong. Yeah. No.

Because in his brain, and this is happening more and more, the crazy people believe that they're right. They believe that everything is justifiable in any way. Right. They roll up. He's yelling. And when you get out here, officer walks up. Officer, how are you?

What's going on? So maybe you can help me in this situation. I bet he thought it was like, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you for coming in. You guys are in trouble now. Naked, he's just tingling down.

Yeah. He said he wasn't doing anything wrong according to the Manitowoc Police Department report. Quote, I told him, this is the officer said in the report, I told him he couldn't be out in the middle of the street

with no clothes on. I asked him about his condition. So he can said in the report. I told him he couldn't be out in the middle of the street with no clothes on. I asked him about his condition. So he can be in the street. I asked him about his condition. I noticed he had dazed appearance, blank stare, and sweating profusely. I hope he looked at him and was like, Officer, did you drop in to see what condition my condition was in? In which way, if I was a cop, I'd be like,

That's a good one. I'll give you that one. I'm just going to be a nerd. He shouldn't be in the middle of the street with clothes on it's very dangerous yeah there's many levels so this is a public safety issue yeah i mean there's sidewalks the officer suspected travis l tingler who said other people were messing with him and he was calling them out so i see you're right they started it yeah other people mess he's a hundred percent right in his mind. He told the officer.

I mean, unless he's like schizophrenic. Let's just put that off the table. Okay. Off the table. I read through it. I try to look because I like to avoid where it's mental illness. There's no need to make fun of someone with mental illness. No, but I think that he's probably like one of those aggro people on drugs.

Right. Yeah. I call meth. Steroids. He told the officer he could be out on the street with no clothes on and that he didn't have a weapon. So I guess it's how you define a knife. Okay, but that's exactly what's going on in our country. You're doing it right in front of someone. I'm not doing that. This to me is 100%. What's your defense? I'm telling you I'm not doing it. That's my defense.

This is the shaggy defense. It't me saw me bang my girlfriend came in saw me banging this other girl on the counter and i just turned back and said it wasn't me i'm literally watching you do it to this right this is what happens to put it in lady terms i got a haircut a few weeks ago and i was like don't make it blunt on the ends choppy pc and i kept saying choppy and pc and she was looking at me going, choppy and PC. And she was bragging about how much she got it, meanwhile giving me a blunt cut as she's saying she's doing choppy, PC. You're like, choppy, PC.

Yeah, and she's going, choppy, PC, cutting it blunt. And I'm like, this is people who voted for Trump. He's doing in front of you. The thing that you're asking him not to do. Yeah, and you're still voting for him. Choppy and PC. And he's telling you what you want to hear. Anyway. Choppy and PC was originally going's telling you what you want to hear. Anyway.

Choppy and PC was originally going to be the two characters on The Simpsons that were then replaced by Itchy and Scratchy. Yeah. I lost a lot of money. You really lost a lot of money on that one. And they're like, no, we're going to pay you for Choppy and PC. We're paying you. And you're like, no, but you're not.

It might be a web series. But you're not. But we're telling you that we're paying you. Yeah, but that's good enough. No, paying me is good enough. I don't get this girl. She wants too much. Chopping pieces.

Wait, how did they accidentally light him on fire? This I can't. Tingler said he wanted to go to a home on 25th Street. Police instead handcuffed him and finding a pair of pants in the front lawn, tried to put them on Tingler. Yeah. I've tried to get my kids dressed in the morning, and they're not on meth. And they aren't threatening people with knives.

And it's still a very difficult prospect. And I'm bigger. On a grown man, it's going to be really hard to do. Officers later found a pocket knife on the front porch of a nearby home on 1100 Block at 25th Street, along with, this describes exactly how this guy lives, along with coins and several cigarette butts. Butts. Butts already he's keeping everything yeah everything one of those deals where he knew what he was gonna do as soon as he finished this pack his plan is set yeah police this this is so there's so many things being painted into this

picture that you don't even need the details for. Police talked to a girl who was holding a baby in the home. Is it her baby? We don't know. Not a woman, a girl holding a baby. This to me is like a...

What time is it? Why is a baby not asleep? I almost called it a summer night. I wanted to call this a David Lynch scene, just like a girl holding a baby. Nine-year-old girl holding a baby. I almost called it a Stephen Lynch. Remember the guitar? Oh, the guitar comic, yeah.

It's like a Stephen Lynch movie. A baby and a ukulele. Yeah. He's singing a song about a girl and a baby. She said, this is the girl holding the baby, Travis L. Tingler was dating her mother and they had lived in the home for about two years. She said he,

that's Trav, started drinking alcohol three hours earlier and started to act weird, making comments such as, quote, stay in the light and never come into the dark. That's actually great advice. I'm sorry

but let me just say this if you i'm not assuming that you have a life coach and i'm assuming you probably never had a life coach but if a life coach said to you kirks stay in the light and never go in the darkness what would you say to that person i'm can't believe i'm paying you and it will end today right because in the darkness is where we find our funniest. And also, oh, good point. And also, that's so esoteric. Like, yeah, great. Like, unless you're.

Tell me how I'm going to make it through next week. Yeah. Give me some advice for you to look at my 401k. So wait, they're still in a relationship or they had been? This is the daughter of the mom who's dating Tingler yes and is tingler and the mom over no i think they're still they're still after this they're probably definitely over now but like three hours of drinking is not gonna make you crazy even if you're an alcoholic i'm not gonna make you go that what if you're drinking wild turkey i mean like definitely ever clear there's definitely something

i mean definitely ice house it's or It's mixing with his meds. Yeah, something's up. Something's happening. After he said to her, stay in the light and never come into the dark, he... But by the way,

stay in the light and never come into the dark means that he's in the dark. He's in the dark, yeah. Don't come in here where I'm standing. I know the dark. Let's get specific

about what he's actually... It's like a Treu in the nothing in that scene in the never endingending story, where it's like, what's going on back there? I just can't believe that movie. The second that movie ended, I was like, what a ripoff. Come on.

Why? Because it ended? It's a never-ending story. Yeah. How dare they? False advertising. This is according to the girl with the baby. He threw the glass he had been drinking from into the street, breaking it, and took off

his clothes and threw them onto the front porch. Yeah. It's go time. It's go time. Yeah. He was, that was his. Dishwasher was full. Don't know where to put this.

When the glass goes in the street, this shirt comes off. I'm coming out there with a knife. We're going to sell this thing. The glass into the street from the front porch. That's like a shot over the bow. Like you're letting everyone know it's happening. I'll be out there. I'll be there.

I'm coming out of the dark. Then he goes barefoot into the road, risking. Again, stupid. Not smart. Risking. Risking cutting your foot. But as the glass sails out over the road, do you think the first couple of bars of I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross or the beginning of, what's the song by Mo Money Mo Problems

so they'll read it I'm coming out and there he is I want the world to know I do relate to this guy when I get home from a long like trip you want to take your clothes off

I literally stand in the doorway rip everything off I just take everything off throw a glass well I throw it right in the laundry. And then I unpack my suitcase and put it and I unpack naked because I just can't deal. I love that you unpack naked.

You want the day off of you. I gotta get out of what I just was. Yeah, I was just in a plane. Everything off me. And then I jump in the shower and then I'll maybe put on like a kimono or something. You go into the dark. How many kimonos do you own? Two. Two kimonos kimonos i love that is that too too many or no just enough just enough because if i lose one traveling people have said you're the steven seagal i'm not enough people i'm trying

to get that going why is that it's just a lot of kimonos so yeah i want that to be your merch yeah but then she's got to travel with them no but she could probably pack like if they're So I want that to be your merch. Kirkman kimonos? Yeah, but then she's got to travel with them. No, but she could probably pack, if they're really thin, like 30 to 40 kimonos. Just put them on the website. Kirkman kimonos?

It's too close to KKK. I would love it. It's a sensitive topic. Then if we get married, we don't have to lose either name. Kirkman Kirk? We could just combine it. You're getting in on the kimono thing?

No, our names. It dawned on me way too late dan van kirkman yes but it suddenly seems like i start this successful kimono business yeah yeah just like that is pretty much what i'm going on the kimono gravy trade you want to jump in oh yeah dan suddenly wait dan suddenly heard that you were kind of interested in a kimono business then he's like no i'm getting a prenup. You guys haven't even dated. Oh, yeah.

That's a good one. I'm getting a prenup just as friends. Let's talk. Let's just talk. Prenup. You're talking to a successful kimono owner. You're talking to a successful kimono mogul. My favorite part of this episode so far, if I can just step in beside baseball, is how

much you're identifying with Travis Elting. She's really trying to get inside his head. I love it. All right. So he throws his clothes off, takes a glass, and the thing is, it's go time, right? Yes.

Then he eventually gets arrested. Sure. Tingler, he refused to get in the squad car and said he wanted to see his kids. And I feel like he left off the words for the first time. Right. In a long time.

For the last time. Yeah, both. First and last. First and last time. I know they're out there, both. First day and last. First day and last time. I know they're out there. He probably, yeah. I want to see my kids. The mother came home from work.

What do you think? She's like, work is done. I'm going to go home. I can't wait to take off all my clothes and do nothing. Just relax. Get the kimono and a chardonnay. I've got ice rosé. Rosé.

It's the summer of the rosé. Ice rosé is a thing I've heard. Ice rosé. A little bit of spritz in it. I mean not ice. Frozen rosé. Frozen? Yeah. They call it rosé. There's the summer of the rose. Iced rose is a thing I've heard. Iced rose. A little bit of spritz in it. I mean not iced. Frozen rose. Frozen. Yeah.

They call it rose. There's a bar downtown called, they have a frozen rose drink called Rose Bar. Yeah. And it is very, very good. It's a slushy rose. Is that like for Roseanne Bar? It's very good. It's for Roseanne Bar.

Yeah. Roseanne Bar. Roseanne Bar. Yeah. That's what they're going for. It goes with the Tom Arnold Palmer. Wow. At Sklar Brothers oh my god

just send a high five emoji at Sklar Brothers that was well done I'm more partial to the Froseo dollar alright so

it's just a big thick Trump hates it Harry that's the best part of it so how does he catch on fire?

We're almost there. The mom comes home. Police. Okay. The mother came home from work and police used stun guns to get the man into the police car. She's pulling into the drive. And they're at stun gun level. Yes.

Police reported Tingler somehow picked up a lighter during the struggle. Like, that's part of his fight is, let me get my lighter. Yeah. And when the stun gun probe hit the lighter, it lit on fire. A combination of lighter fluid and electricity from the stun gun caused Tingler's beard and chest hair to catch fire.

Oh, man. One in a million chances. I mean, that's a good shot right there. He's like the Michael Jackson Pepsi. Yes. He's the Michael Jackson of crazy people in the street who are naked. Do you think he was like, oh, hell no!

They all backed off. An officer tried to pat the fire off his body, and Travis L. Tingler continued to fight even after the fire was put out. So they put him out. So they didn't really light him on fire. He fought pre-fire. They tased him, and he had all the... A huge flame must have come up when electricity hits all of that

gas and that's a big flame yes he's then on fire does not stop fighting they put the fire out the fire out to help and save him and then they start punching genny have siblings yes did you and you guys when you're a lot older though okay and we're girls we didn't fight we weren't animals but you everyone's what you'd like time out psychologically fought each other sure we really did they're so much older than me they were like my mothers okay but when you guys when you what you'd be like time out psychologically fought each other sure we really did they're so much older than me they were like my mother's okay but when you guys when you fight you'd say like time out time out time out yeah like that's what that they probably took a time out for the fire time out time out let's go to the fire pat him down okay he went back into the darkness time in yes i'll see you back in the darkness yes i'm guessing this guy is white

because i'm hearing stun gun like i'm he'd be shot if he was. Yeah, I'm not hearing it. They're going through every single... Continue to fight even after it was put out. He then punched an officer in the face, and an officer used a stun gun on him from about six feet away. Then he fell and hit his head hard on the pavement. Okay. This is just all... Probably where Glass was, right?

Exactly. So many things are going wrong with this. Officer called an ambulance. Hospital staff, go ahead. If this were Christmas Eve and he were Sinbad, the name of this movie would be Tingle All The Way.

So good. Sklar Brothers. You should send high five emojis for that one too. If it was Sinbad, the guy would have been choked out.

I mean, let's be honest. If it's a black guy. It's crazy. It's insane how many chances this dumb white dude is going to die. Hospital staff and Tingler tested positive for marijuana and had

a blood alcohol count of... Point what? I don't know. Do you want to guess it? Yeah, let's guess it. Okay. So what do you think, Kirk's? I don't really know what the... Point 08 is legal limit. Okay. Point 15 is like, that's a good drawing.

Point 3 or higher means basically you poured vodka on the breathalyzer. Down into the breathalyzer. Okay, so 0.25. 0.25. Or 0.025 or whatever it's called. Yeah, you're right. I say 0.17.

Okay. 0.3. One of you guys is exactly on the number. Oh, yeah. Guess at home. Guess at home, everybody. We're also going to play guess the age on this one, too. Okay, okay, okay.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Guess at home. Guess at home, everybody. We're also going to play guess the age on this. Great. I love it. Let's do it. Travis L. Tingler had a blood alcohol content of 0.17.

Yay! Wow! I thought it was going to be three. I was really surprised, too. He had weed in the system, too. Maybe it was dipped. Maybe it was dipped. Maybe it was wet.

It cannot be legal, everybody. Look what it makes you do. Maybe it was dipped. Maybe it was wet. This is why it cannot be legal, everybody. Look what it makes you do. Stop it. We didn't need that when I was younger. We had... Is your mom talking or your older sister? No, this is Jennifer talking. We didn't have weed.

We would relax by taking our clothes off and putting on a kimono. That's some serious kimono logic. Police are recommending charges of resisting an officer battery to an officer disorderly conduct and lewd and lascivious behavior I'm going to ask you guys you have a choice here

you're our guest Jen Kirkman you can go first or you can go last or as Tig started out you can go second if you want okay

how old is Travis L. Tingler how old is the Tingler too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age.

You want to go first or last? First. Okay. I think he's like 41. Wow. 41 years old. Okay. Just seven years older than you. And by that, I would assume he has kids old enough Wow. 41 years old. Okay. Okay. Just seven years older than you.

And by that, I would assume he has kids old enough to fist fight. Yeah. Okay. 41. He probably has a 20-year-old. I know. There's part of me that thinks he's really young, too, but I'm going to take a weird risk.

No, you're good. I'm not getting a psychic feeling on this one, but I am telling you that's my guess. Okay. First of all, I think Kimono Logic was a Steely Dan album. Yep. And I do think that could also be the name of this episode. Okay. Perfect. I think he's 48 years old. Wow.ely Dan album. Yep. And I do think that could also be the name of this episode. Okay, perfect. I think he's 48 years old.

Wow. 48? Wow. Yeah. I think he is 30 years old. I kind of am going with Kirkman. I think he's, in this type of world and for how much he's lived- He's very old.

He's very old, but he's still like 30. He'll be a grandpa in five years. All right, everybody playing along at home, get your answers in. Travis L. Tingler is 32 years old. Yes! Randy. This is my guy. Here he is.

Oh, my God. He doesn't look anything like I thought he did. By the way, he looks like everybody in the alt comedy scene in Portland. He totally does. Or he looks like he could still be in the Spin Doctors. Like, whatever the Spin Doctors incarnation is right now. Yeah, he's in a Spin Doctors cover band called Two Princes. Halfway through his Geico caveman makeup.

Yeah. He just said Bernie would have won, even though it's a still photo. He just yelled that at me. You could see that. All right, there we go. Go to the Facebook page. Join our Facebook page if you want to see photos of this guy. At the end of today's episode,

we have more Facebook page great fun stuff happening. You guys are the best. That's what I love about this thing. Community as we put it together. Dumb People Townies getting together. All right. We got two more stories. I cannot wait.

And then some more Facebook fun at the end of this. This is Dumb People Town. Jen Kirkman is with us. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Jen Kirkman is with us. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Please, one more time, follow Kirkman on Twitter. She's a great follow. She's a great follow. She will provoke people. A lot of predictions. My predictions. Jen Kirkman? Is predictions. Jen Kirkman?

Is it just Jen Kirkman? Yeah, 1N and Jen. Everybody, please. 1N and Jen Kirkman. K-I-R-K-M-A-N. Not land. And you're not afraid. You're not the purveyor

of all things at Costco. Some people call me Kirkland. I can't take it. Really? I don't get it. It drives me nuts. You are not afraid to get into it

with people on Twitter. Well, this is what I do. I retweet them and I write something sarcastic and I block. I don't go back and forth. Yeah. No one deserves that time. That's right.

I love it. So it looks fun to the outside, but to the person, they don't get my time. They hate it. No, I love it. They don't get your time. Beautiful. Reclaiming my time. Because you're not afraid to put it out there.

Again, I think for anybody creative trying to do something, you got to leave a lot of yourself out on the field or yes it's not worth it and that means you your opinions stories about you whatever it is and you got to go all in or else what are we doing yeah what are we doing people like the commitment that artists have to themselves if that makes sense i think yeah or the commitment that they have to their ideals their voice yeah voice. Yeah, to the revealing parts of themselves, their deepest opinions or their deepest secrets or whatever. People, artists are willing to say things in a way that I think a lot of people wish they could about themselves. And so it is liberating for people to hear it, I think, and see it. Well, you know, it's funny, though, now that Twitter is getting more like people, people of their threads, it's getting more like thoughtful.

Like I use it the way I just call it. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not comedian Jen. I'm citizen Jen. If you were imagining sitting home yelling at the news TV with me, not really yelling it, but just being like,

oh, well, this guy's good. And I just type my instinctual thought. And then I'm like, oh, two hours later, I'm like, I sound dumb. I'll delete it. You also have 250,000 people who are following you. Oh, true. Yeah, I don't think it's... You also have 250,000 people who are following you.

Oh, true. Yeah, I don't think it's meant for that anymore. I think it's not quite as off the top of your head anymore. People are taking it... You think people craft it a little bit more. I think they do. I think I need to start doing that, because I thought of it as like,

you're kind of like, oh, grade me on the scale when I say, I think Trump's resigning this weekend. Like, I just say shit, you know? Yeah, yeah. And... I like that. I think that it can be that in many ways.

I think it can be that in many ways. I think it still can be. I think it can be a lot of things. To me, it's a mixture of, I always love when people start something, start an idea, and then you come on to build on it. I mean, again,

this is why we love collaboration and that's what this whole podcast is. So when someone puts something out there that's funny, like a friend of ours who we follow and puts it down the front end, I always love building on that or one of our fans

building on that with a joke and then if they come back then I'll come back and that to me is like what is super fun about it

yeah I have super funny fans that say things and I'm like oh my god that was genius I wish I thought of that and like yeah you go back and forth

with people love that that's good you're a good follow get on it love you guys. Thanks. Dan, what do you got for us?

That's it. No, no more stories? What do we got? Come on, Dan. Here we go. Ready? Follow Dan Van Kirk on Twitter. Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter as well.

All right. Sent in by Creature Comforts, two Ks, which is the appropriate amount. Yeah. You don't want any more. No. You can do one less. Yeah. That person could never have a kimono. the appropriate amount yeah you don't want any more no and that is one less yeah but yeah that

person could never have a kimono k-r-e-a-t-u-r-k-o-m forts so thanks buddy here we go in a bizarre medical case a british woman somehow had a horrific amount of contact lenses in one eye but didn't realize it oh my god we're gonna start at the top how many contact lenses in one eye, but didn't realize it. Oh my God. We're going to start at the top. How many contact lenses? You guys don't know anything other than what I just said.

What was your description again of how many? A horrific amount of contact lenses in one eye. And she didn't know about it. You can go first or last. Or second. I'll go last.

Okay. Jay? I think it's 12. it. You can go first or last. Or second. I'll go last. Okay. Jay? I think it's 12. Okay. That feels like a horrific amount. Yes. I'm going to say 20. Okay.

20. That's a horrific amount. It can't just be single digits. That's me. I feel like you're drawing into that sense you have. 19. It's coming to me. Okay.

19. Okay. And then 28 was another one. That was the one that was coming to me. But I know I can't have both. So I'm just going to me. 19. And then 28 was another one. That was the one that was coming to me, but I know I can't have both, so I'm just going with 19. 19, okay, good. Okay.

Stay with the original. I just want people to know the psychic phenomenon that was 28, but my guess is 19. If it's 28, I want to flip out. The amount of contact lenses in her eye is 27. Oh, my God!

You are psychic. This is what they took out of her eye. What the... It looks like a glass ashtray. Of contacts. It looks like something you make at Color Me Mine. How is it not protruding out of her eye? Like, how is it not...

Here we go. Okay, so do you wear glasses or no? I do. Reading for reading? No for seeing Driving Would you ever put contacts in your eye? I do it all the time

No I don't want to Neither do I I don't need them all the time Although it's starting to be that I do But I'm just ignoring it Like I can get by It's blurry But like what I said to you

When I saw you I didn't see you Until you were I can't really see That stack that you guys just saw That's just 17 of them Oh my 10 more 10 more in her eye guys join the facebook page check out the facebook page don't be able to town

facebook.com don't be able to town join it so you can see the 17 how do you not notice that like i know this i don't know if you do mindfulness stuff but like you're a dumb person okay so there's a part of mindfulness which is like you know be mindful don't just shovel food in your mouth and think about where the food maybe came from all in an attempt for you to slow down and be aware of yourself yeah this might be the least mindful person on the planet yeah she's not doing a body scan meditation wait also you know that show i didn't know i was pregnant. I understand that more than I... More than this. Yes. Like, totally.

Because there's other... A life inside you. Because there's other things. Like, when, you know, as a lady with lady parts, I've never been pregnant, but I sometimes am like, is that a cramp? Or is that a bowel movement? Or is that a baby? But, like, there's so many things a baby could be, especially if you don't think you're pregnant. But what else could be in your eye except you using contacts every day?

It's such a small, you know, okay, I didn't know I was pregnant. Yes, there's a large area in there where you could be carrying a baby or not, and you just don't know. An eye is tiny, and these things are so big. But who put them in? Someone has to put them there. You're the one. Unless someone is perpetrating on you as you're sleeping at night.

If the contact fairy shows up and puts another one in your eye every night while you're sleeping. I get doing it once. Did I take my contacts out? Totally. I've double tamponed. Have you really? Pushed it even further up and in? I got lucky they went side by side.

Double barrel. I know it sounds like I have this giant vagina. No, nothing was getting out. Nothing was getting out. Anyway, sorry. Wrapped in a kimono. The case? They called that the drought of 2011.

Can I just ask a question about this? How are you guys picturing it? I'm picturing she's so dumb that every day she puts one in. I thought you were talking about your vagina. Guys, how do you picture? I picture that every day she puts Oh, I thought you were talking about your vagina. No. Guys, how do you picture? I picture that every day she puts one in a man cave.

She puts one in and she then does it the next day. But this also could be a prank where like a pie eating contest. I said while she's

sleeping. Putting a bunch in at once. Someone is just opening her eye. Or we're in dumb people town. Clockwork orange style.

Oh, you're right. Dropping them in. Yeah. The case, which was published July 5th in the British Medical Journal, has made international headlines. Dan, have you verified this? Yes. You have that this is true? It's in the British Medical Journal and it's also in another thing.

Because this reeks a little bit of maybe an untrue story. Remember in Tig Notaro's episode, the two people who had no business doing the dirty dancing moves and still tried? I thought that was fake because those pictures were so good that I investigated that too. I got to trust Dan on this. This probably happened. You know what? I would love if this was fake. 27 contacts.

Don't you love when British people are as dumb as Americans? Because I feel like they have that sort of air of where it's part of the view. I don't think I have 27 contacts in my phone. Thank you. Come on, that's squarmy. like they have that sort of air of where i don't think i have 27 contacts in my phone let alone the case was published in the british medical journal has made international headlines after the here we uh ophthalmologist responsible for dan's I know responsible for Dan's pronunciation

of words responsible for extracting the stack of contacts spoke to the media recently so the person who took him out

said here's the deal like you know it's bad when you just go to your job as a regular person and then have to have a press conference afterwards it's never going well

I'm not a public figure nor am I an athlete nor a singer I gotta talk to the media about something I just did. A 67-year-old woman went to the doctor for a, quote, routine eye surgery. When the surgery began, however, Dr. Rupal Morjiara. Rupal. It's pronounced Rupal.

Oh, that makes it more sense. It's the Rupal Morjiara's Drag Race, one of my favorite shows. And her fellow doctors extracted a blue mass of 17 contacts all stuck together. Blue mass is the story of Whitey Bulger and Johnny Depp. Yep. It's not a story. Did your parents know Whitey Bulger? No, we didn't hang out with those kind of people.

We didn't hang out with the Bulges. No, but your Johnny Depp masturbation. Best compliment I've ever gotten. Oh, thank you. Well, he's like in the comedy scene now. I can't believe he hasn't heard it. What? Is he in the comedy scene?

He like hangs out with Doug Stanhope all the time. Who? Oh, I knew that. Yeah, so Doug Stanhope was responsible for him who produced his stand-up special. I think so, yeah.

So I'm just like, why isn't he a fan of mine? I mean, I know he's probably like allegedly beating women, so maybe I shouldn't hang out with him. How drunk was he at the Independent Spirit Awards? Oh, my God.

Was that years ago? Yeah, a few years ago. It's pretty fantastic. It's amazing. Pretty amazing. Well, one of the best compliments I ever got was I did set list as Mark Wahlberg. I went back into the green room. Bronger was sitting in there with Jen Kirkman.

And Jen said to me, where in Boston are you from? Oh, I did. I think I didn't know it first. I think that was the first time we ever met. Chicago. And I said, I'm from Northern Illinois. Rochelle, Illinois. And you were like, it was very good.

It didn't seem like you were trying to do it, which is what made it good. And I was like, that made me feel so happy. That's a big compliment. So cherry picking. You're not going to believe this, kid. Fuck this dope. Fuck this dope. You're not going to believe this.

You're not going to believe this. Fucking unbelievable. Dude, you. Fuck this, dude. You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe fucking unbelievable. Dude, you see it was Donnie's birthday? Dude, I did see it. I blew his candle out right before he got the chance to fuck that dude. Thanks, Mark.

It's so hot for a friend. I bought the candle and the fucking cake. I'm going to blow it out. I'll fucking blow it out. Okay. I love, I'm just enjoying hearing all this.

It's like being back home. Yeah, it is. Here come the muffins. You want to go to Dunkin's? Let's go to fucking Dunkin's. What do you want, Toad? What do you want? You want a fucking tiger tail?

No, I want a medium regular at Dunkin's. So medium regular at Dunkin's. I'm going to get two tails, though, because I'm not letting you fucking eat my tail. Dude, I'll have a fucking, just get me an apple fredda. What? Apple fredda. Fredda. Get me a fucking fredda.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Routine eye surgery? Oh, I guess that's like a, it means eye surgery. Takes out a blueda. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Routine eye surgery? Oh, I guess it means eye surgery. Takes out a blue mass. Takes out blue mass. Remove the blue mass. Yes.

Later, the doctors found another chunk of 10 contacts, bringing the total of 27 contacts in one eye. Quote from the doctor to Optometry Today. Great publication. Which I subscribe to online. None of us have ever seen this before. Again, whatever job you have, if you're saying that sentence, something has gone wrong today. This woman's awfully quiet.

What did she have to say? Exactly. What did you do? It was a large grayish blue mass. All 17 contact lenses were, were quote bound together by mucus we were really surprised the patient didn't notice it because it would cause quite a lot of irritation while sitting in there according to optometry today the patient had been wearing monthly disposable contacts for 35 years but did not regularly go to the eye doctor and had no idea that many contacts

were in her eye. So this was years long? So she thinks that they dissolve in her eye and just go away? Yeah. And then they don't. The patient said that she credited her discomfort to old age and dry eyes.

By the way, she's 67? That's not that old. Not that old. 35 years. So she started doing this at 32? That's on you. That is on you. That's not that old. Not that old. 35 years. So she started doing this at 32? That's on you. That is on you. This is just my...

Helen, your eye looks terrible. Oh, it's nothing I can do about it. It's bulging out like Whitey Bulger. There's a blue mass. That's not bad, okay? Now you're going back. Don't you gotta find... Nana, your fucking...

Look at her fucking eye. Your fucking eye's all fucked up. Oh, dear. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Take it out? I didn't have to get in my face about it. She said that she's, yeah, so old age.

She said, quote, she was quite shocked, the doctor said. When she was seen two weeks after I removed the lenses, she said her eyes felt a lot more comfortable. Oh, I would guess. A lot more comfortable. She's not really ready to give it up like, I feel great now. It's alright. Thanks for correcting my mistake.

It's better, isn't it? That's my favorite thing when English people end any sentence with a rhetorical question. Wasn't that easy though, was it? Wasn't that easy though, was it? It's a little better, isn't it? Should have tried a little bit harder though

shouldn't you oh it's the worst yes all right i love it too we're gonna get out of this very weird statement and we can figure it out as we go to break when asked how it's possible the woman lived like this all these years all that the doctor could say was that perhaps it's because she had, quote, deep set eyes. What? I have no clue what that means. Sunken eyes. Sunken deep eyes. Sunken eye syndrome? Yeah.

Like a pirate ship. Yeah. That's how, or that she's just a dummy. Sunken eyes, like a pirate ship, and what they found was a buried treasure. Essentially it. Yeah, that's it. What a dummy. Jesus. That's it. What a dummy. Jesus.

That's a great summation. This is a moment where you need to just... You're unaware. She's unaware. What'd she do with the mask? No, the other eye. She must have known to do it correctly. Right?

What if one eye, then the eye with it, she just saw... Like, she could see through walls and shit. Like, she has such good vision. She was right that the more you put on, she could see the future. Wow, I'm seeing everything. Yeah, I can see the future. I, I'm seeing everything. Yeah, I can see the future. I'm like Kirkman. I can just get this feeling.

I saw this guy in Wisconsin in the street with a knife. That's how far she can see. Thank you. Yeah, naked. Oh, what time. Brings it back around. Tying them together. That's all right.

So let's see if Kirkman can tie this last story around. We got one more story coming back, and then a little Facebook fun with you guys on Dumb People Town with Jen Kirkman and Dan Van Kirk. Stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Alright guys, welcome back to the show. If you are new to the show,

please subscribe to it and rate it and review it. That always helps us. And join the Facebook page. A lot of people rate and review on the Facebook page, which is awesome and phenomenal and speaks really well when people check us out. But doing that on iTunes as well is a lot of help. Yeah, you fucking idiots. Yeah.

Dummy. Keeps us up in the old mix. Keeps us in the mix. We do want to announce that we are doing a live Dumb People Town in February in New York City. February 25th? Yeah, February 25th at the Bell House in Brooklyn. It's gonna sell out. It's gonna sell out way in advance. We have the ladies from Guys

We Fucked, which is a great podcast. All of our townies will be there, but I know they have, I was talking to Christina and she was like, we've sold out a number of shows that we've done there. They're extraordinarily popular. We've wanted to, ever since we did their podcast, we wanted to get them on ours and we're like, hey've sold out a number of shows that we've done there. They're extraordinarily popular. We've wanted to, ever since we did their podcast, we wanted to get them on ours

and we're like, hey, wait, we're coming to New York. Let's bring the show to you guys. So that's happening in Brooklyn. If we sell it out soon enough, early enough, then we'll do a second one.

Hopefully. You never know with any stuff. You gotta buy things in advance, people. Get your tickets now because what if something happens and we can't add a second? Don't bank on that second show. It takes months in advance

to add a second show. So just, you know, Get Yeah, it takes months in advance to add a second show. So just, you know, just get your tickets now. You want people to be successful? Fucking pay for it. There you go. Sell it out by October. And we might have some DPT merch

at that point in time. Maybe the DPT beanies. We'll see. We'll figure it out. Also, this drops on, this should be September 5th when this comes out. So you guys are going to be

this weekend. This weekend we'll be at the Blue Whale Comedy Festival in Tulsa. Never been. Really excited. We're going to do a live version of our other be at the Blue Whale Comedy Festival in Tulsa never been really excited we're going to do a live version

of our other podcast of you from the Cheap Sheets Kyle Kinane thank you will be our guest on that show lovely Kyle Kinane and Dan you'll be

at the 208 Fest up in Boise Idaho so awesome guys just check us out wait I'm pitching now September 6th where are you?

San Francisco one night at Cobbs and then I'll be in Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver go to my website please see her please go to Komonos yeah 26th. Where are you? San Francisco, one night at Cobb's, and then I'll be in Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver. Go to my website. Go to her. Please see her. JackHartman.com.

Please go see her. Get those kimonos. Yeah. Get those. I might have the kimonos ready by then. Dude, that would be nice. And we added a date in October, too. October 4th, which is right before the weekend, 5th through the 8th, we're going to be in

Denver at Comedy Works. Oh, the best club ever. I know. We're going to be in the South one. Never done the South one out in the suburbs. Oh, sure. I've done that one before. Did you like it?

It's not that bad. Okay, great. It's really large, so get your tickets, everyone. Please do that. But on the 4th, we're going to be in Boulder at the Dairy Center or something like that. So we're doing it. This is a really cool theater in Boulder. Theater in Boulder on Wednesday night.

So get tickets. And Kate and Holland. As long as there's not a Rockies game, Adam,adenholland, our buddy from Those Who Can't, he's going to open for us there. So it'll just be a blast. So please come out today. I want to come. Come.

Kirk, be there. You want to do a last story? Let's do it. Here we go. Sent in by Joshua at Coach Moffat, M-O-F-F-A-T-T. A motorist got more than he bargained for. I cannot. To me, this arm could be. What are you bargaining for when you're a motorist got more than he bargained for. I cannot, to me this- What are you bargaining for when you're a motorist?

Just no one talking to me or hitting me? Armadillo in the tailpipe? I don't know what this is. He got more than he bargained for when he stopped at a Michigan gas station earlier this week. Some kind of crazy animal that should not be- In the back of his car. Exactly. And started a fire.

No! More fire. No. More fire. When he tried to kill what? What do you guys think he stopped at the gas station? I'm going to start with his wife. Started a fire. I'm going to start with his wife. And tried to kill something.

Yes. So it's more like I'm picturing it like, oh, shit, I got to pull over. There's a problem. A skunk. A wasp. He was getting gas, then tried to kill something and started a fire. A wasp. You say a wasp. I say a wasp. I say. Jason says wasp. I. A skunk. A wasp. He was getting gas then tried to kill something and started a fire. A wasp. You say a wasp.

I say a wasp. Jason says wasp. I say a skunk. Says skunk from Randy Scott. I say a spider. A spider. One of you guys is right.

No way! I think it's me. It's right. If I had any betting in the world I'd be on Kirkman. It's our psychic friend. It's so clairvoyant.

Everybody playing along at home get your answers in. He tried to kill a spider. No! Kirkman, you are on fire. I want to call you and just find out what's happening with my life and this weekend. Can you please give us some good news, Kirkman? He tried to kill a spider at a gas station with a cigarette lighter.

Do you know why I went spider? Why? Because that's the thing that would scare you the most. But you knew it was an animal before I even said we were going to guess what to do. Why? Wasp, you could like open the doors and try to get him out in the air. He's trying to be a tough guy. He didn't step on it.

I don't know. Maybe it was in a place you can't step. And he just wanted to. He thought he could just burn it up. So he pulled out the lighter. I bet it was pretty big. Oh, I'm sure it was big. I saw a huge spider.

So we're in our backyard and we have like a little couches kind of area and a brick area. And we have a portable, you can open up a movie screen and a rear projector thing that we invested in that is so great to sit outside and do that. And so we were watching a movie and I was there with my daughter. It was for her 10th birthday. I was there. Seven 10-year-old my son and jay's son and i'm out there and we're sitting on the couch and we have like the strung up lights are out it's nighttime it's so pretty and all of a sudden the biggest most poisonous looking red fucking spider

goes from the tree above us goes right down in the middle comes right down the middle i was like oh my god oh my god some girl was like oh my god oh my god oh my god and i look when you say some girl that was you yes i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god which is fine i immediately like whose parents do i have to now call that their kids in the hospital is that like a lady what do you call the death widow widow a black widow it's not a black widow because it was red oh i thought you just meant red in the center. No, I mean, it was maybe it was red. Oh, my God.

This was so scary. And then so I went to go like maybe just knock it down or knock it away. And it went right back up into the tree. And in my brain, I'm like, OK, this is going to definitely come down on one of the kids later in the movie. But then part of me was like, OK, it's done. It's gone. So I treated it like it was gone, knowing full well that there was a killer

above these kids. I've killed three scorpions in my house. And one of them was in the band. One was the lead singer of the band. I stay fourth floor condo. No homes. There's too many critters. I'm telling you.

This is what it looked like when this guy tried to kill a spider. I am the fire starter. Things have escalated at the gas station in Michigan. By the way, don't ever start a fire. Randy and I worked at gas stations. You're not even supposed to use your cell phone. You're supposed to turn your goddamn car off. We worked

at gas stations, Randy and I, before we went to college. The summer before we went to college the summer before we went to college full service gas station and i had to put i had to put oil in a car and there was a whole lot of full lot of people like rush hour they're all waiting and you gotta it's full service you gotta do everybody's car this guy rolls up in like uh again this is 90 so a guy rolls up in like an 82 toyota corolla and it's i will never forget it was like yellowish car and he said give me five dollars worth of regular and i need a quart of oil by the way dick move dick move because you're gonna ask me to do two things simultaneously with a full lot

tell me to fill it up so i don't have to worry about it yeah now you just stand there click right so because he said five, I click it on because I didn't want him to get mad at me like I wasn't going to get to five. And instead of getting the little paper funnel

that I did to put it in the thing, I unscrew the cap to the valve cover gasket, I go grab the oil and I start pouring it, the whole time looking back and thinking, please don't

let it go over five, please don't let it go over five. Meanwhile, I'm pouring oil over like an engine and it's St.is summertime so it's super hot a fire starts okay a fire starts and my first instinct maybe as a jew but just as a person was to start blowing on it to get it to go up there's a fire raging in this car. I'm like... Okay, so I can understand this guy's pain right there. Okay?

It's not going out. I go and grab some water and pour it on there. The second dumbest thing you can do. Yes, it's an oil fire. So I just spread it around. How do you get rid of that? So I just spread it around. Sand.

There's like a... Sand or... Yeah. Or a fire extinguisher. Or run away. Fire extinguisher, exactly. No. Run away.

No, we're sitting on a full lot of people and 15,000 gallons of gas that are here. So if the fire gets to the gas, the whole place explodes. We're done. The racist guy I worked with whose nickname was Booger. I didn't even know his real name. Booger goes, runs. Booger always was gone at the bank trying to flirt with the girl at the bank, making the drop of the money. It made me do everything.

Booger runs back, sees that the car's on on fire flies into the garage grabs the fire extinguisher comes over sprays the whole like sprays a huge cloud of fire everyone's out of their car watching this whole thing the whole thing smoke clears then you hear a click i hear a click which means that his gas went to the full gas tank. And then I just looked at everybody who was out. I was like, who's next? That's all I could say at that moment was, who's next? It was so bad. So I understand this fire.

I've seen this fire at a gas station. This is scary as shit. But you were trying to do your job. This is so scary. This guy walked into downtown. I didn't even know lighters still work in cars. I did not know that. Yeah, you press the thing out and you push it. I didn't even know lighters still work in cars. I did not know that. Yeah, you press the thing out and you push it.

I don't think it was a car lighter, was it? It just said cigarette lighter, but it made me think car lighter, too. But I think that was just their fancy way of saying lighter. Because there's no way he has one of those. Those were amazing when I used to smoke. You press the thing. And I used to drive my parents' Oldsmobile and just... Pull it out, light it up.

Oh, Camel Light. Stick it back in. Fucking drive... I remember... Fucking Camel Light. Turn down Commonwealth I remember... Fucking Camel Light. Drive down Commonwealth Ave. Nobody in my family... Commonwealth Ave.

Nobody in my family smoked and I remember being in a friend's car, like their parent's car and I put it, I was like, what is this? And then I pulled it out

and touched the end. Oh, man. I still remember seeing my fingerprint like burned. Dumb people town. Yeah. Hey, I'm an early adopter.

Damn people town. I've been on this tip for a long time, kids. Surveillance video from the mobile gas station in Center Line, Michigan shows flames quickly engulfing the man's car and the gas pump, Fox 2 Detroit reported Friday, while adding that luckily

no one was hurt. By the way, spider wins. I love what they say here. Yeah, I wonder if the spider probably didn't even get killed. This story, by the way, going through the spider community is like their Jango. The dopey motorist, that's like they're Django. Yep. The dopey motorist, that's what they literally call him in this article, put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

He had to. He told authorities he spotted a spider on his gas tank and pulled out his lighter to get rid of it. What? Of all the places. Take off your shoe and smack it. What are you doing? Or just start pumping the gas

and let it get wet. Or act like it's a fire on a car engine and blow it away. Blow that spider away. How big was the spider? Or go to the thing and grab the squeegee

for the thing and start banging your car with the squeegee. Or it's on the outside of your car. Drive away. No, no. He had to reach.

I'm sure he had it was in the tank he had the gas thing in the tank and he had to he was worried about reaching in and having to touch it so let me burn it next to the thing like shooting gasoline like on beavis and butthead dumb people town all right sweet lord quote he didn't have a cigarette he didn't have a cigarette. He didn't have anything on him. All of a sudden, I look out and I see flames. Employee Susan Adams told Fox 2. Susan's seen shit. Susan Adams is like, I am too old for this shit, and she's 17. This is how you know.

Calmly, literally, calmly, Adams hit the gas automatic stop button and quickly called the center line fire. Literally, you're right. She was like, okay, here we go. There's like one button just for assholes. It's it. Call the fire department. The fire destroyed the gas pump. The motorist's vehicle suffered little damage.

His stupidity, this is the part that makes him the most dumb. His stupidity didn't stop him from returning the next day for another fill up. What? If you start a gas station fire trying to kill a spider while pumping gas, you don't get to go back to that gas station. No, you're done. Why would you want to? Why didn't he fill up or maybe he just drove away without filling up.

See you tomorrow. Yeah. I'll be back tomorrow. Today's not a good day for this. We're going to call this one a wash. No, it's not a wash. You owe us thousands gonna call this one a wash no it's not a wash you guys yeah something happened to your pumps he rolls up the next day hey guys how's it going oh hey this whoa what happened here you again i bet they call him spider-man around there they should quote uh this is from susan adams he was He was sorry. He said he didn't know. It's just one of those. By the way, he was sorry. It can be read multiple ways.

Sure. If you're like, that's a sorry guy. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's a sorry dude. He was sorry. He was a sorry guy. Susan's too forgiving. Way too forgiving.

Then she comes in with a little bit of shade. What does she do? It's just one of those things that happen. Stupidity. Oh! Classic Susan. If you knew Susan like I knew Susanan just giving it to him adam says this reserves as a reminder about being careful around gas pumps whether it's using a cell phone or static electricity the smallest spark can cause a gas

station fire who has to be reminded who has to be reminded to be careful around gas pumps even when i sometimes still smell gas on my hand after pumping and I get on my cell phone like, you know, at home, I'm like, oh my God, it's going to catch on fire. Clean your hands. Oh my God. Fumes are bad. Fumes are bad, everybody. This is why you got to go with an electric car.

That's what I'm saying. Oh, I know. I'm like a dick for not having one. Look at that. But you can't take road trips. That's amazing. I don't do that anyway. All right, fine.

There you go. There you go. Dan, what are we doing? Okay. So we're going to close this out with a little bit of how great the people who listen to this show are. I think you guys saw this on Twitter. So you might have heard me mention earlier

that it'll be good for the walking tour when I was talking about the naked dude and where they said he was. Oh, yeah. So we list, for some reason, in all these articles, they always say exactly where this is happening. They say people's homes. One time a guy

lifted a he was at like a Father's Day party at a kindergarten and he got in a fight with a seven year old boy or six year old boy. He literally tried to

and then he thought the cops should arrest the 16 year old. Good call the cops on the six year old. In that article they gave that man's home address.

I love it. I don't know why but it's added to the dumb people town walking tour. That's right. Steps in Mike T at Mike underscore T home address i love it i don't know why but it's added to the dumb people town walking tour right steps in mike t at mike underscore t 345 he said hey guys i created a pin map for all of the dumb people town locations this is perfect guys look at this map you can go it's listed by story one

episode 29 story two you can go through every episode. So is that link on the Facebook page? Yeah, this will all be posted on the Facebook page. Like an incredible amount of work. Oh, Mike. He is a dedicated fan. Like it'd be fun to do. He's a great townie.

But just don't go and like harm anybody. No, but you can, if you go and take a picture in front of them. We have a couple of people that have taken pictures. Somebody took one in front of the Mystic Gas Station. Where the guy dressed up. They took three pictures. One in front of the burned out fence. Yes. One in front of them. We have a couple of people that have taken pictures. Somebody took one in front of the Mystic gas station. Yep. Where the guy They took three pictures. One in front of the burned out fence.

Yes. One in front of this gas station. One of the cash register. So good. That they tried to steal. That's fantastic. I love it. So to make it a little fun.

It exists. It's better than that Pokemon shit people are doing. This is like a better Pokemon Go thing. This is Pokemon dumb. It's like dumb people go.

Dumb people go. So to make that a little bit fun and then we have one other thing after it, which is great too. I'm going to ask you guys, this is how many I counted. I might be wrong. I might be right. Who cares?

This is the number I counted. How many countries are represented so far? As of us recording with Jen Kirkman, how many countries do you think have been represented in Dumb People's House? In almost 30 episodes of this show. Yes. And now, we've told you, we've had British people trying to do dirty dancing. We had a guy, I think, in Malaysia who got bitten in the dick with a snake.

So, we've been all over. China. If you had to guess, how many countries do you think are represented in Dumb People Town? Jen, do you want to go first or last? Or second? I'm sure there could be every country, but I just feel like I'm just adding in. Who have you represented so far? I'm going to say 12.

Okay. Ooh, I was going to say nine. All right. I'm going to say 15. 15 from Randy. Yeah. 12 from our guest, Jen Kirkman. And what did you say, Jay?

I said nine. The answer is eight. Oh! Very close, Jason Scott. Yeah, I was actually trying to count it up. I was trying to count it up, and then I added a couple. All right, and we have one more fun thing. As many people who subscribe to the Facebook page know,

if you don't, get on it. Randy Sklar went on a road trip with his family, and he met a townie. I met a townie. I was in one of my favorite places that I've ever been. I was kind of heading down from Wright's Beach to Point Reyes, and we went to Tamales Bay, which is like West Marin.

So beautiful. Unbelievable landscape, and very underpopulated. It was so pretty. We went to this great... Is it near Petaluma? It's kind of near Petaluma. Yeah, kind of. It's a little bit north of that, in West Marin. And we went to this place called Hog Island Oysters, which, I don't know if you're an oysters

fan. I'm the biggest i'm not but i enjoy that other people enjoy you know it was it was shuck your own oysters day so you gotta get the oysters put it on the ice put it on a tray give you the glove give you the knife and you go in and and my kids did it too they even though one of them ate the oysters the other one didn't and i went up to get a couple beers for me and my wife, and the guy at the thing just kind of gave me a nod. Ryan gave me a nod. He was so nice. And then he was like, hey, by the way,

it feels like we're in the middle of nowhere here. Totally. He's like, I'm a huge fan of Dumb People Town. I listen to the podcast. I was like, dude, we got to take a picture, and we're going to post it on the Facebook page just because I know that you, that's so great that it makes its way.

That's so cool. You know how you don't that it makes its way. That's so cool. You know how you don't think it makes its way out into the very fringes of it all? The fact that it does just made me really happy. Well, we could stop there and say, what a great, cute story. What a great guy. But two things came out of this. One, we thought up the really fun idea, because Ryan's wearing a Carhartt hat, that all dumb people town beanies should be Carhartt.

Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but it just seems appropriate. Sure, sure. Great. And then something else happened. I just knew his first name.

You just knew his first name. Ryan. Ryan. It was Ryan from the Oyster Place. Oh, wow. Oyster Ryan.

Hog Island Oyster Ryan. Well, somebody recognized it. First off, step in, Sylvia. Now, Facebook gives people's

first and last names. If it's that important to you, join the Facebook page. I'm just going to go first name. Sylvia. Now, Facebook gives people's first and last names. If it's that important to you, join the Facebook page. I'm just going to go first name. Sylvia. Sylvia steps in and comments. People could be a part.

This is what's going on on the Facebook page. This is what I love about things happen. You know what I mean? It's the community of it. She says, well, Ryan is hot. DPT needs to make a dating app just saying. Oh! See? Now, we say this when we see people at our shows, like couples.

And we're like, the couple who listens to this podcast together, I think has a good chance of staying together. Because they have so many jokes. You're bonding over a common theme and a sense of humor. Steps in, Gordon Daniels. Gordon Daniels tags Ryan, the person who's a fan of the show and says, have you met Sylvia, Abra? Oh! Ryan Slater then chimes in. Mm-hmm.

Don't believe I've had the pleasure. Smiley emoticon. Played it great. Waving emoticon. Played it great. This guy was a very chill dude. And this guy doesn't know either of them, right? He's just a nosy fan?

No, no, no. He's just a guy. I love him. I bet the guy who tagged him is his friend they must listen to the show but his friend saw it and was like hey you need to come out of this and does this girl live in the neighborhood of him i have no idea okay continue i know that they're all in dumb people town they're all part of the town so he writes virtual community so he writes he wrote back don't believe I've had the pleasure, waving emoticon, smiling emoticon, big with the blushing. Oh, nice. Sylvia Martin responds.

Oh, yes. Well, hello, smirky face emoticon. I love that all this is being played on the Facebook page. Now, nothing else has gone from their commenting. In my dreams, they've stepped aside and at least became buddies. Yes. However, Sylvia also left a review for Dumb People Town, and she wrote, I enjoy so very much the reenactments. They have been crapping me up.

Plus, super hot guys listen to your podcast. Yeah! Hear that, Ryan? Look at that. This could be our first love connection from Dumb People Town. Either way, everything's possible in Dumb People Town.

So people do stupid things in Dumb People Town. We as friends and comedians and just people make fun of it and then other people connect over it and we might be, what if they get married? What if they have kids? Oh, it's a great story story it's the family that we're starting out here you performed a mitzvah yeah an accidental mitzvah from a non-jew an accidental mitzvah from a non-jew

please make sure to announce i'm a non-jew there's a lot going on in the country and i just you know please don't throw we don't need to have other people hating you for other reasons kirkman non-Jewish Jen Kirkman. Dude, thank you so much for coming and being on our show. Thank you. A pleasure. Go see her in the Pacific Northwest. You will thank us by going and enjoying and supporting live comedy.

Follow her, watch her Netflix specials, read her books and all the other good stuff. Ask her for psychic advice. Yes. I'll do that for free. It's a super fun show. It is like, this is one of our Favorite comedians Working today Get your tickets February 25th

Bell House Live Dumb People Town Don't wait for it to sell out And hope for a second show No This needs to sell out By September 30th Oh yeah

September 30th Let's sell it out And then we'll definitely Put a second show And by the way When this actually comes out Because we're It's on the 5th I believe

I say even if you don't Live in Brooklyn Buy tickets And send them to someone You know that does Look I say even if you don't live in Brooklyn, buy tickets and send them to someone you know that does. Look at that. Send them to a townie.

Even if they don't listen to the podcast, I bought you tickets to something you're going to love it. Holiday gift. I love it. Coming up later this month,

we got Keegan-Michael Key is going to be on this show and Eric Stone Street. So lots of good things coming up. Just stay tuned for all that stuff. And holy shit,

we got to get back to work. Yeah, let's do it