Dumb People Town - Jen Kirkman - Punching Through the Tears

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

This week, Jen Kirkman comes to town! In Story 1, from pjstar.com, a man is punched after declining a sip of a stranger's hooch. In Story 2, from nj.com, a woman is startled when Pennywise the Clown floats down into her backyard. And finally, in Story 3, from abcnews.go.com, a man dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow has disappeared after setting off on a paddle boat.Listen to Jen's new podcast Having Funlessness!Go get Dan's new album, "Thanks, Diane" - available for pre-order now, and dropping on November 15th!This episode is sponsored by Bad Batch, a new podcast from Wondery: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-batch/id1482851200

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Kirk's, as in Kirk's men. Jen Kirkman. Jen Kirkman. Kirk's men. Hi, Jen. Hi, all.

I didn't know I was being brought in so soon. I was going to jump in and say, dumb people town. No, you can jump in. You've been on this show. I know. I didn't want to ruin it. But then, of course, if they're downloading this, they know who the guest is. I fucked up.

But you are, no, you are perfectly designed for this as your podcast, which we love so much, which we'll get to later having funlessness with Jen Kirkman. Which we are going to say every single person who listens to this show, you will love that show. Just go subscribe to it right now. I'm saying you're uniquely designed because I feel like in your standup and in everything else. You do not suffer fools lightly. You do not suffer fools lightly. You do not suffer foolish situations lightly. You are like, you cut to the core of why

something needs to change. That's what I love about you. Well, we were, my big one is, we were just talking about Dunkin' Donuts off air. Yeah. They've not perfected their mobile order ahead yet. And I love them dearly. I love them dearly, but you can't let someone

take up time in the line who's got a group order. You're defeating the point of the order ahead. Group order at Dunkin' Donuts is like the bachelorette party of comedy shows. You're like, this is going to be bad. Get them out of here. It's going to take a long time to wait until we're done.

It's going to ruin my... They don't have the art of... That's what it is. It's not the mobile order. It's the group order. I don't know why I said mobile order. They panic, and I feel like they think it's rude if someone's just right behind them like, just want a hot

coffee. Just a hot coffee. Just do me first. It's like when you go into Chipotle and the production lunch is in front of you and the guy gets out of the list and you're like, brother. I am one person. I am one burrito. Can you please let me eat my diarrhea burrito and go? I'm an easy

burrito. Well, thank you, fools. Can you please let me eat my diarrhea burrito and go? I'm an easy burrito. Anyway, I'm here. Well, thank you, fools. Listen, I'm so happy that the world is getting dumber and that Jen Kirkman is with us. Let's try and fight back with comedy. I think that's all we can do right now. Daniel gets the story sent to him, and we have no idea. So let's jump into one right away.

Let's do it. This was sent in by Jake Greenlee. No, he's changed his name. He has changed his name. Yeah, at Jake Groney, G-R-O-N-I-E. Thank you, Jake, for sending this in. I'm going to read you the headline because I love it. Bellevue man punched repeatedly after declining stranger's bottle of hooch.

So he said no. He did the right thing and got the wrong result Rather than doing the wrong thing and not getting Do you think he said no thank you Wait somebody said have some Drink some of this And I'm a Very innocent naive person Is hooch a universal word for

Homemade Moonshine or homemade alcohol Oh no way I never knew that Unless it's the like early 2000s branded bottle Hooch, which was like a malt liquor.

Got it. Just a lot of citrus. How about this? If Turner and Hooch had been a story about a man and his alcoholism. Right.

Isn't that a better buddy comedy? Or that he, you know, there's like questions about, I don't want to spoil the Joker,

how much, or Joker, how much of that movie actually existed and how much was in his head? Here's what I think about Joker. Oh, yeah. And I said this before. Yeah, say it again. I'll say it before on Doug Benson's podcast.

I will say, number one, my takeaway from Joker is comedy is hard. Yeah. It's just hard. Well, I don't need to see it then, are you? No, you don't. Number two, I'm going to be nice to every weird open mic-er who freaks me out from now on. There goes all your time. And number three, I'm not an audience blamer, but I thought in his first set of comedy,

he should have gotten a few more laughs. I'm just saying maybe it was a check spot and they were dropping the check. Goldman was crushing with an open. Sam Morrill crushed. Sam Morrill crushed. But what I'm saying is he did a couple things that I was like, should have gotten more. 30% of the room should have been on board. Maybe he got the check slot.

I don't know, but I'm saying I, and I don't like to be an audience blamer, but in this case, I blame him. Were there any women comics in the movie? Are you joking? Why would you? That's not even hitting me. They wanted it to be funny.

I can't wait for my Joker movie where I go insane from male comics. How have we not gone insane in real life and killed all the male comics? I don't think there really, there wasn't, right? There was not. When I started reading all the guys that, like, guest appeared, I'm like, oh, that's my friend.

Oh. Oh. There's no... Oh, it's... Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. No, cool. That's fine. Why would you put... It's 2019. I think there's only two women in the entire film. Yeah, and one of them's made up in his mind. And did he kill both of them? Easy. Come on, man. Did he kill men in this movie or just women? Uh, I can't spoil it. I don't know. I can't remember. Just wink them? Did he kill men in this movie or just women? I can't spoil it.

I don't remember. I can't remember. Just wink at me if he killed men. You know what he didn't kill? Audiences. Nope. And I thought he should have done that. Oh, there you go.

There was just a little bit more in there than I thought. All right. Anyway, go ahead. So a hooch is a bottle of hooch. So a guy offers him another guy hooch. And the guy says politely, no thank you. I can also say it's like someone giving you a drink of liquor. You don't know what's in there. You can be like, I don't want any of your pooch. Another guy hooch. And the guy says politely, no thank you. I can also say it's like someone giving you a drink of liquor,

you don't know what's in there. You can be like, I don't want any of your... It's not like you handed him a bottle of Heineken where you go, well, besides your own personal germs,

I can assume this has been bottled. I can take off the top with a remover and be fine. This is like, here, take this thing that may or may not...

In my ball jar or whatever it's called. It may or may not have been made in my bathtub. Do people offer you drinks after stand-up shows? Oh, yeah. I'm sure they do. We're not like handing them to me.

No, they're like, can I buy you a drink? Yeah, and I'm always like, the one perk of this job is I don't pay for alcohol. But the other perk of the job is, well, it's not a perk of the job, but the other interesting point is that alcohol is not that interesting when you're 45. And you've been legally cleared to drink it for 24 years and you get it for free at work and I'm done for the night. What would you rather they offer you?

I'm like, buy my merch. Buy my merch. Buy a book. You know what? I just did a leg of my tour. You know what I got a lot of? Pie. People brought me pie to my show. Someone in Chicago. You know what I got a lot of? What? Pie. Pie? People brought me pie to my show. Someone in Chicago

brought me a great chest pie. We watched it happen in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, somebody brought me a whole bunch of strawberry crumbles, little mini strawberry crumbles.

Do you have like a pie bit that you're famous for? No, I've just mentioned that I love pie and then someone brought one to Houston and then it started being a thing.

You saying this right now is going to get you a whole lot more. Dan, you're going to get so much more pie now. Well, understand that I, I always feel bad because you have to make a full pie and I'm not eating all of it.

No, and I don't eat anything people bring me because I'm a woman of a certain age and your metabolism goes down and traveling is the worst. You just gain weight from being on a plane. So I eat very little when I tour and really healthy. Weirdly, I don't do the opposite.

You're my hero. Yeah, and so people who bring me, and don't do the opposite. You're my hero. Yeah. And so people who bring me, and again, it's just vanity. Like I just want to be thin and, and I'm not even healthy, but I also like,

it just, I'm going to gain five pounds when I traveled from the bloating alone. So I'm not going to bring, I'm not going to eat anything you bring me. And I've, I've, I vacillate oscillate between just saying thank you and being kind. Cause they brought you a gift and not eating it and giving it to the staff.

But then I'm like, I'm encouraging that behavior. But it's not like I do a show in that town every night and this woman's going to open up a factory to bake me stuff. But it is. I put every. She took out a home loan. It's called for the love of Kirkland. We specifically cater to Jen. We do group orders of coffee

And tiny cupcakes The only thing that makes comics happy is You know Pay to go see their shows And buy their merch Because this is really what our How we make a living We're not getting any of the

Eddie Murphy money I absolutely Eddie Murchie At Sklar Brothers At Sklar Brothers I actually think that's a good idea But it gets Let's get back to the idea Let's get back idea. But let's get back to the idea.

Let's get back to the idea of homemade stuff versus stuff that you can see is hermetically sealed. Dan, what were the details of this story? I bet his feelings were really hurt. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why he fought him. And he's got emotional problems. Yeah, he punched the tears repeatedly.

You gotta punch the tears sometimes. Well, being drunk heightens all emotional problems. Right. Sure. Yeah. The amount of times somebody says, what did you say? When no one said anything. Dan, are you suggesting that he punched through the tears?

Yes. Okay. He rubbed them on his knuckles first. This also comes from the PJstar.com. I don't know what that means. Thank you. A Bellevue man got slugged repeatedly after declining a passerby's wee hours offer to take a swig from a bottle of booze. No thanks, man.

Just a passerby. This isn't even like... A guy he's had a whole night with. This is a passerby. Right. At about 1 a.m. Friday, a Bellevue resident was smoking a cigarette on his front porch. So you're already... You're in the wild.

You're in... And smoking a cigarette, smoking a cigarette, in my opinion, in this day and age as well, is an invitation for strangers to come up to you.

Conversation. Right? Can I get one of those? If you're outside smoking, can I get one? You got a light? Like there's so many, there are a lot of ins.

Yeah, you're right. You're inviting people. You're on your porch. It's 1 a.m. The guy may assume also that you're not from that house. Also, the beginning... You're just smoking on a porch. That smells like a soft pack.

Why would you assume that's not his house? Because he's out smoking on... Because dumb people smoke on porches. Dumb lot? Is he not allowed to smoke in his own house? Probably doesn't like the smell, and I don't blame him. But that is what I would say. Give him a lot of credit, Jim.

If you live in that house, you may be cracking a window and smoking it right out the window. Do you ever look over in traffic and see somebody windows up just smoking a cigarette and you're like, did I go back in time?

I need to see a newspaper. I know. The thought of that makes me want to vomit. What else don't they care about? Kids. Well, see, that's, okay, now that's a good point.

When you are smoking a cigarette, someone does maybe think, I don't think this person that's a good point. When you are smoking a cigarette, someone does maybe think. I don't think this person that handed in the hooch was analyzing it this deeply. But in a split second of an instinct that he doesn't even know he's processing, that guy doesn't care about himself. He'll drink this thing I made. So then he's like, wait, your boundary comes with me offering you this? You're killing yourself, man. The hooch guy actually had him pegged perfectly.

Yes. We are not blaming the hooch guy. Not at all. At about 1 a.m., a Bellevue resident was smoking a cigarette on his front porch, according to a report by the Peoria County Sheriff's Office, which I hope this means Peoria, Illinois. Sure. A man on foot approached with a, quote, bottle of alcohol and told him to drink it. Drink this.

Drink it. That's all right here. I'm like, I'm good, man. Thank you. That's what he said. You got to drink it. Drink this. Drink it. That's all right here. I'm like, I'm good, man. That's what he said. You got to do it on the exhale. Sorry, man. I'm not doing that.

Told him to drink it. The report stated. Did you ever smoke? Yes, I love it. You love it. And still do it like if someone's got a couple of cigarettes. No, if you're like going to Europe

for like a week. No, I was just in Europe for a week and I didn't smoke. The only reason is because it's just hard to breathe and again a week. No, I was just in Europe for a week. The only reason is because my... It's just hard to breathe. And again, I keep... I can imagine with this cigarette. Stroke risk. I smoked for

10 years and I loved it. Regular? Back a day. Back a day. Jesus. And I loved it. I have a joke in my act. 15 minutes of my act right now is about just like just romanticizing the good days of smoking. But it's a funny bit.

But my point of it is, as I say, if someone said, you can start smoking again. It's not bad for you. We have to take two of your family members. I'd be like, I've got six. But do you get to pick the two? I was going to say, you can pick them. Yes. Oh, yeah.

Easy. Easy. Just buy. They've disappeared. Anyway, go ahead. I love smoking. It's the greatest thing that you can do them. Yes. Oh, yeah. I mean, easy. Just buy. They've disappeared. Anyway, go ahead. I love smoking. It's the greatest thing that you can do in your time. Smoking and then taking to your family members is like getting a washer and dryer and having

the place take your old one away. You're like, I'm getting something that's helping me out, and you're making me get rid of the things I wanted to get rid of. I mean, smoking does look cool. I don't care what anybody says. It looks very cool. It so looks cool. It's a shame how cool it looks.

Vaping never did. It never caught on. And now it's bad for you. Damn it. So bad. So a man approaches with a bottle of alcohol, told the guy on the porch to drink it. The resident refused and instead directed the stranger to leave. The interlooper.

The interlooper. Sorry. Punched the resident in the chest, leg, and stomach before walking off. Was this a short guy? What is he, like an older brother? That's a brother fight right there. To punch someone in the back of the leg, like where it really hurts. Gotcha!

I'm slowly becoming on this guy's side. Like, when you first said the story, I assumed it was in the face. And now I'm like, he's probably like, I want to punch you, but I really don't want to scratch your face. I am going to show an incredible, hooch level of restraint. And it probably started out fine. Smoking a cigarette.

Hey, what's up, man? You having a good night? Smoking a cigarette. You want some liquor? No. What? We had a good thing going. I said no. Come here. No.

Come closer to me, because I'm not, you got to bite me in. I'm a vampire rule, man. Nope. Nope. And then he goes, drink it. Nope. Nope. See, this is where the guy, the smoking of a cigarette-er.

Yes. Could have gone inside. Well, this is where being a woman comes in handy. Yes. And had I been there five minutes before, I could have instructed him on how to behave. Because our whole life is guys coming up. It is this. Drink this.

Do this. Blah, blah. You don't ever make it no so that it's like a decline. And you don't make it like I'm better than you. You might say, I'm an alcoholic. I'm in recovery. You put on you. Like, oh.

Right? Or you go like, oh, no, man. Those days are over for me. You enjoy it. I want you to have the best time. Like, something positive. I wish I could, buddy, but I'm leaving straight from here. I have to drive, so I can't.

And I have six DUIs. I have six DUIs, and I got to stand up. Or be like, I've got a lip herpes. Like, make yourself the victim. Or say, look, hey, if you want me to, I have like some open sores on my mouth and I may or may not have HIV. Exactly. If you say that to them, then it's like, okay.

But here's the thing. Here, here, here. Give it to me. And then the guy's like, no, no, no, no, no. Here's the thing where men are just reckless in general. If I'm outside smoking a cigarette and it's 1 a.m. and I see another human, I go right back inside. Of course.

Before I even can talk to me. No. You're like, I love that. This guy's 1 a.m. And I see another human. I go right back inside. Of course. Before I even can talk to me. No. You're like, I love that. This guy's too reckless. I love that the guy, the hooch guy punched him in the chest, stomach and leg, which means to me he was falling down. He's falling forward. He started every punch he hoped was going to hit the face.

His foot was next. His foot was next. Why did the other guy stand there for so long? Because you know when you're falling, it seems kind of slow motion. Two witnesses corroborated the victim's account. One of the witnesses said he had seen the stranger minutes earlier on the same street, quote, making very strange movements with his body. You mean trying to walk? It's like drunk Tai Chi.

He's just got to make a move. This is what I love. There's always a point where you go, this is dumb people town. The stranger also, this is the guy with the hooch, insisted that the two gentlemen have a dance off, but the witness declined.

Okay. So he's been said no to a lot tonight. But he wants to have a dance off, not dance with me. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm dying to know the order of events. Does it start with take no hooch? Dance off, hooch, drink it, no. Dance off.

No, I think the dance off was first. Dance off was first, and then his feelings were hurt. So he went for a cup of water. Next guy that says no to me, I'm going to punch him in the stomach. I'm going to aim for the face. Oh, so he didn't ask the cigarette guy for the dance-off. No. He asked the witness who saw him a few minutes earlier making weird movements. He's probably like, you alright?

He's like, dance me off. Dance me off. See, that's he was probably holding in diarrhea that was about to come out. I'm sure. And he was making weird movements. This makes a lot of sense. And then someone goes, what's up? And he's like trying to cover like you want him to dance off. This guy's clever. We are now firmly

in the corner of Hoochman. 100%. A dance-off sounds so fun. Dance-off is fun, and then this guy refuses. He's trying to share his liquor and have a dance-off. He's being so generous. With his time. With his time and his effort and his emotions.

The world doesn't understand him. The world doesn't understand him. His wares. The world doesn't deserve him. He's the new Joker. As deputies looked for the attacker, that's our hooch guy, another man encountered the stranger, our hooch guy, who that is when he attempted to dance with him before doing somersaults and rubbing mud on his own face. He's like, you know what?

I'll make my own night. Wait, who did that? The other guy? Not the hooch guy. The hooch guy. He runs into another guy. So he's first tried to have a dance off. Wouldn't happen.

Dance me. Then he saw this other guy. Dance me. The guy's like, no. Then he tried to dance anyway. Then did somersaults and put mud on his face. He's like, look, I gave you a chance to be part of this. I got to go solo.

Are you? Triple somersault. He's like, what's I gave you a chance to be part of this. I gotta go solo. Are you... Triple Somersault. He's like, what's your playa name? This is his Burning Man. Stop, stop. You guys just don't get it. Shut up. You guys just don't get it.

Jen, have you been to Burning Man? Of course not. She would never in a million years. Is there a nice hotel there? No. No. Here's my question. Does that qualify as blackface?

I was just thinking this. Putting mud on his face. No. It's red clay. It Putting the one on his face. No. It's right. It qualifies as hooch face. Yeah. As deputies look for him whenever he does a thing. The stranger also kept trying to trigger a fight by repeatedly urging, let's spar.

Come on, man. The two eventually ended up fighting before deputies broke them up. Oh, so he did engage him in a fight. Yes. So good. All right. That's not great. He got what he wanted. him in a fight. Yes. So good. Alright, that's not great. He got what he wanted. But it's weird to me, the word, choice of the word spar. Spar is like not a fight.

Spar is to move with me while we shout. But you're also trying to let someone know you kinda know how to box. Right. Yeah. Spar is like, I wanna use the term. Yeah. Yeah, so I wonder if they're using it literally or they did get some punches in. That was his quote. Come on, spar. I hope he's like, I got head gear. Let's do this. Yeah, so I wonder if they're using it literally or they did get some punches in. That was his quotes. Come on, spar. I hope he's like, I got head

gear. Let's do this. Okay, so he didn't really, they weren't like doing that kind of fighting where you're like wrestling someone on the ground and choking them. No. They're trying to keep their gloves up. But here's my thing. This guy just wants to connect. He really just, he doesn't have anyone to connect with. Literally. None.

So deputies come in and break him up. When the stranger resisted deputies' efforts to handcuff him, he was driven to the ground by a deputy. A deputy ordered him to stay down, but the stranger kept trying to raise his feet, repeatedly claiming, quote, I'm programmed to get up. So this is a guy, he is programmed to get up. I hope that's his book. That's his book, and he wants to help you live a life of connectivity that he has.

That's his TED Talk. By the way, I'm programmed to get up. I'm programmed to get up. It's so good. It could be like the Tyler Perry story. It could be like anyone who's been- How many of you- Dance move the get up.

Yes. How many of you wake up in the morning and you're like, I can't do this? Yeah, I'm not programmed for this. Guess what we are all programmed to do? To get up. And he knows how to get you there. When a deputy tries to put you down, remind yourself you're programmed to get up. To me, it's shocking that the guy has mud on his face.

He's getting up and resisting arrest. That they didn't shoot him. Like, to me, they should have shot him. Deputies eventually handcuffed the man from East Peoria and transported him to the Peoria County Jail. I'm glad they didn't shoot him. Like to me, they should have shot him. Deputies eventually handcuffed the man from East Peoria and transported him to the Peoria County Jail. I'm glad they didn't do it. There he was booked on apparent misdemeanor charges, battery, criminal trespass to land, and resisting a police officer. How old do you guys think? Oh, this is great.

That the hooch guy is. Here's what we know. He wants to have a dance off. He wants to share his liquor. Then he just wants to straight up dance. Then he does somersaults and puts mud on his face. And he's programmed to get up. It's a big disgrace.

I think he's 48 years old. 48 years old. Mud on your face. I've got a bunch of reasons. What are your reasons? Share them, please. Well, he's from an age of dance off movies. Yes.

Sure. And I think there's a lot of proving his youth and like... Slipped away maybe a little bit and you gotta recapture. This seems like latent days alcoholism. Like, this is a problem. You said 50? 48. Between like 45, 48.

Jay Oran? I'm gonna say 39. 39 years old from Jason Sklar. I am going to say 39. 39 years old from Jason Sklar. I am going to walk the Jen Kirkman line of reasoning even further down the road and say he's 59. 59 years old. Okay, Tonys, we'll get out of our first story on this. Play along wherever you are. Give me that cubicle yell.

Because the man from East Peoria that wants to have a dance party, share his hooch, roll around, and his program to get up is 29 years old. Oh! Less likable. But he's an old soul. So much less likable, right? Because now he's a bro. Now we don't like him. Because you wanted him

to have kids he's not speaking to. That's exactly what I wanted. I wanted them to be like, they've had their intervention and he knows he's off the rails. No one in his family is speaking to him That's exactly what I wanted. I wanted them to be like, they've had their intervention and this is, he knows he's off the rails. No one in his family is speaking to him and this is his AA story when he gets in. This is his falling down. This is his falling down. I want two of them to have spent like

three years in like a nearby cavern. You know, like sleeping between stalagmites. 29 year old doesn't do that. It's a bummer. You know what this guy is? What? In the closet. There you go. True. This 100%. I would bet you're right. Maybe not because the dancing is a little bit

of a stereotype, but there's just this need to connect and also fight back. And he's homophobic, so he's battling it hard. Or recently dumped from either side. And yes, true. He is definitely lonely. Because you want to share your hooch.

And his Saturn is returning. So let's remember that about that moment. He shouldn't have returned by 29. 27, 28, 29. I thought that's the range. Oh, I thought it was done by 29. Confirmation?

Is that correct? Okay. 27, 28, 29. All right, there you go. First guy down in the books. I hope if you ever, the thing that I'm taking away the most is that whenever a woman is out

and a man approaches, that this is the whole scene that plays out. Put it on yourself. Just go inside. This is it. Just go inside. Just go away. Avoid it.

Avoid it. There you go. Jen Kirkman's with us. Now question, I mean not question, but comment. Sure. I love the emotional journey we went on,

which I know is the point of the podcast, but if had we just listened to the whole story in the first place, but I love that emotional journey we went on Which I know is the point of the podcast But if had we just listened to The whole story in the first place But I love that we don't And we go on the journey of I love this guy I hate this guy And then you find out who he is We had built him up to love him so much

And then he let us down by not being here He was almost a Robin Williams character You know what I mean? You guys just probably quoted his parents too. We built him up to love him so much. But I'm programmed to get up is amazing. If someone told you the new movie where Tom Hanks is Fred Rogers is called I am programmed to get up. You'd be like, yeah.

You would buy it. You would believe it. And you'd be like, that's right. So I was driving with my daughter yesterday and we drove by this in glendale there's like a sign for a maid service like out of a building they have like an operations like to me it's like i don't know like taxi but where all the maids hang out and then they get dispatched to homes to get cleaned i don't know okay it's like an office that you order maids and the name of the store was called i was picking it And the name of the store was called, I was picking it up,

the name of the store was called You've Got Maids. You are kidding me. And like it had a flag like the AOL thing and I had to explain to my 12-year-old daughter what You've Got Mail was

and then the movie of it all and then You've Got Mail. But wait until somebody takes the M off and then it just says You've Got Maids. That's how they used to let people know back then.

It's an email. We're going to send you an address and whatever it says above that story when you get there is your result. If you hear it from that guy's voice

it's not as AIDS. Oh yeah, that's right. You can explain everything to her. That's right. All right, let's take a break, shall we? Yeah. We come back. Jen Kirkman,

we're going to hear about her podcast, any new stuff and touring she's got going on and we'll tell you about stuff that we have. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go nowhere. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We are with Jen Kirkman, who is a great follow on Twitter. She is at Jen Kirkman. Jen Kirkman, J-E-N-K-I-R-K-M-A-N. Can I tell you something? Yeah, please. I thought I tweeted something today that was controversial, and it turned out it wasn't.

And I was so happy that everyone agreed with me. I said, Baby Shark is a better song than Paul McCartney's Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time. And I thought people would disagree that everyone agreed. Totally agree. It's a bad song. Yeah, and that's probably the song that made McCartney the most money. I want to tell on him to John Lennon about that song.

I hate it so much. You didn't have to. John Lennon knew. I feel like that song more than anything was the beginning. That was inside of him the whole time. That's who that guy is. When you strip everything away, that's who Paul is. He is simply having a Christmas time.

And I am. I love that song. Oh, Yoko or something. Anyway, but yes, I'm at Jen Kirkman and that's me. Let's talk about the podcast. Oh, yeah, sure. Because near and dear to our hearts, it's part of our podcast network. But more than that, we just, we love listening to you and we feel like you've nailed it on

this thing. Tell everyone a little bit. Having fun listening. Well, I talk for an hour every week. It's almost like, you know, well, it is. It's a solo podcast, but I just talk about what went on with me that week. It's sort of a diary, but it may not be even what went on with me that week. Today, I read an article and talked about this woman that adopted what she thought was a little girl,

but turned out to be a 22-year-old who's trying to kill them. Yeah. Crazy. But my podcast listeners, it's such a community. They email me stuff. They all kind of… It's like this. It's like this.

It's like this a lot. It's a community. But it's me ranting and raving about my week. And I have similar themes I was hit upon. I'm obsessed with customer service. I'm obsessed with Christmas. I love it! I am a former customer service worker.

I'm on the side of the worker, but I hate walking into CVS. Welcome! You don't welcome me. I know where the yeast infection stuff is. Just trying to get out. I know where the yeast infection stuff is. Like, just trying to get out. Anyway, it's just, it's just a lady talking.

It's sometimes funny, sometimes sincere, always real. But always, but always based in truth. It's not stand-up. It is so compelling, though. But do you,

have you found any areas as you go start talking on the podcast that then become stand-up? No, it's always very, very separate. Like, it's really stuff that's meant to just come and go just thoughts in my head because it's not always,

it's not always like something I'm, you know what I mean? Like sometimes your standup can really be, this is my opinion is ever changing on my podcast. So I might revisit something and go, Oh, you know, I changed my mind about that or something like that.

So things you really can't do in standup. in this day and age, can we just say thank you for that? Because I feel like people have put their opinions out there. And even if they're like, do you have a change of heart? They just say, well, that's my opinion. Well, in a recent episode, I talked about, you know, I was on David Spade's show, Lights Out, and Rob Schneider was on it.

And he had just tweeted in defense of the kid that got fired from Saturday Night Live. And all my fans on Twitter were like, call him out when you're on the show. And I did a whole thing on my podcast that explained that's not how real life works. And call him out for what? Having an opinion. And I told them actually about the conversation that we had backstage.

And so it's a lot of inside stuff in my podcast. But now it's kind of like either love it or you hate it, you get it or you don't. That's kind of what I like about it. I think most people who listen to this show will 100% get it. Get on't. That's kind of what I like about it. I think most people who listen to this show will 100% get it. Get on board, folks. Get on board. Having funlessness with Jen

Kirkman. Sign up for it now. Subscribe to it. Pause this. Go subscribe. Come on back. And welcome back. Daniel, you have a new comedy album out. I have an album. It is out. Yeah, well, pre-sale right now. I believe this is dropping probably tomorrow. Yeah.

So go to Daniel Van Kirk for information on that. But you can order Thanks, Diane right now. Go to the iTunes Store app to get Thanks, Diane. And you'll get a track right away when you do that. The track is called Don't Be a Dick, which actually is about customer service. I saw it live. It was unreal. Thank you so much. This is a great, that bit. I saw it live. It was unreal. Oh, thank you so much.

This is a great, great, great, great debut. And by the way, we were just in Denver. We just had chosen the lovely Comedy Works. And all the people that came out to see us had said they saw you at the Bunk Theater and love seeing your stand-up. And we told them, we're coming to do the podcast there. We're going to figure it out. Oh, nice. I got a lot of that too. Like Cleveland and Boston

and people being like, come here. I got a lot of love for you in Boston when I did the White Bull Tavern last week as well. Oh, nice. Did you do your Mark Wahlberg in Boston? No. I've done it before because I've done the Wahlberg. He's done with it. He buried it. I had a great Boston moment that happened

right before the show that was so unreal that I'm like, oh, if that... And I did it that night on stage. I was like, guys, this just happened and it went pretty well. And I'm like, oh, if I put that in the next hour or at least just start working it out, Wahlberg would fit into the context of that story.

I think you could do it. Because that's the only way I would do it, if it fits in. I tried when I was putting together this hour, and it just didn't fit in the hour. When we were in Boston, staying at the Westin Hotel doing Laugh Boston, which by the way is fantastic. Phenomenal. We loved that room.

That was really great. It was a great room. There was a huge Harry Potter and that to us was like the best, it was like a gift given to Boston. Because first of all, just the words Harry Potter are just brilliant to hear from a thick Boston ass. Yeah.

I saw Harry Potter. Hey, did you see all the Harry Potter? I was at the Harry Potter convention. You were at the Potter convention? There was a lady Potter. There was a lady Harry Potter. A lady Potter was throwing up into her wig. Oh, there was a drunk Harry Potter.

Chocolate Potter. So we're talking about how the Boston fans, how much they will turn anything into just talking about Tom Brady. So there were all these Harry Potters, and this is how good Tom Brady is. How did we get from there to there? He could turn Harry Potter into our best white possession receiver.

He could. Do you know that Brady Bunch was originally about Tom Brady and all his awards? They changed it to a family. And all his illegitimate kids. He's so good. That's awesome. Yeah, Boston loves you. Boston loves all of you. They want us to a family. And all his illegitimate kids. He's so good. That's awesome. So, yeah, Boston loves you. Boston loves all of you.

They want us to come there. They want you to come back. You can hang out with them again soon. New album. I'm going to name, first of all, I want to announce that we are going to be coming. We just booked these to do the podcast in three cities. Three cities. I'm so excited.

June 18th, 19th, and 20th. 18th at the Baghdad Theater in Portland. I'm so excited. Oh, good. I thought you meant in Baghdad. I was like, and 20th. 18th at the Baghdad Theater in Portland. I'm so excited. Oh, good. I thought you meant in Baghdad. I was like turbulent place. In Baghdad. The Baghdad Theater.

It's Fallujah, Baghdad, and then we're going to Fallujah, Baghdad, Mosul. No. We're doing the Baghdad Theater in Portland, then the Washington Hall in Seattle, and then the Rio Theater in Vancouver. I'm so excited to do these three shows. A West Coast tour. A West Coast tour. Northwest.

That's in June. Presale tickets will go on soon for Patreon. People who are part of our Patreon next week. And then we are doing a three-city tour in March for this show. We're going to be doing Milwaukee, St. Louis, then Minneapolis. I'm so excited. March 18th, 19th. 19th, 20th, 24th.

Right. So I feel like we are going to book this in Denver and Salt Lake City. Yeah, you'll keep doing it. We're going to do it because it is so fun to do, and we're really excited to do those things. We're going to do another one at Largo on December 2nd. December 2nd, we're doing it at Largo with Weird Al Yankovic. So excited. Aisha Tyler.

And music by Dave Longstreth, the lead singer from Dirty Projectors. Oh my God, awesome. This is a perfect, I mean, as you know, it's a perfect show to Projectors. Oh my God, awesome. This is a perfect, I mean, as you know, it's a perfect show to do live. Oh, it's so fun live. It's insane live. And we tried to get you on one,

but you were out of town. I think I was out of town. We'll get you on one. We'll get you on a live show. I'm out of town less and less. I gotta chill out. We'll make it happen. We'll make it happen.

We'll make it happen. Let's jump into another story while we have it. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Sent in by Rich McCabe at Rich TMC. This is from nj.com, newjersey.com. Okay. Just newjersey.com.

Sure, I know. That's so great. I know. Pennywise the Clown Floated into a New Jersey Woman's Backyard. Of course. That's the headline. Floated. Floated. What is it? Guess what this is. What is it? It's not a balloon. What is it? What is it honey? Let's guess what this is What is it? Is that a balloon?

What is it? Maybe it's a balloon Or a giant like Float thing This was on August 18th Renee Jensen Was enjoying the summer In her Harrington Park backyard

Oh it wasn't even A Halloween thing No Okay go ahead On Saturday With her boyfriend Alex When she spotted Something near the side gate

Is that your husband? No He's my boyfriend. There's a lot of correcting people. The object appeared to be airborne, headed straight for the yard. Quote, did a freaking bird die in midair or something, she thought. Wait, now we're not doing quotes. We're just quoting her thoughts. I love this gal.

Going over to see what it was. Was that a freaking bird? A freaking bird. What a freaking bird up there. Looking down at the object, she jumped back. It was Pennywise the Clown, albeit a stout cartoon version of the murderous clown from It, but Pennywise nonetheless. The plush character's mouth was reddened with fake blood.

Oh my God. I figured in honor of Halloween, this would be a fun one. Perfect. Yeah. Adding to the mystery, some writing was scrawled in black on the doll's forehead. Oh, it was a doll.

Okay, got it. It was a doll floating into her backyard. Is this going to be like a little message on there that says like, move your fence three feet back? Yes. It's like, this is how I'm going to.

She wonders if someone set the Pennywise toy aloft as a promotion for the new movie, perhaps by a drone, given the way it entered her backyard. It entered her backyard. We're gonna promote two people at a time. Two people at a time. Given the way it entered her backyard

could be some form of something. Harrington Park, after all, is quite a leafy Bergen County suburb. Jensen lives off a country road, but her home is surrounded by trees. Quote, It came at an angle, and I just watched this thing.

It didn't hit a single tree and went straight over, just cleared the gate and hit the pine branches and hit the ground, says Jensen, 42 years old, still a bit shaken from the incident. So it did hit one tree. I was going to say.

She's kind of lying. Not very accurate. She's kind of lying. She seemed very impressed with the doll. Like, it didn't hit any trees. Right. I think that's why she's trying to say that it felt deliberate. Wait, wait, wait.

It felt deliberate. It didn't hit any trees. Like, we would all know what that means. Or suddenly we would question how scary it was if it hit a couple trees. Are there that many trees? I assume there's some clear patchwork. Like it bounced off a tree and we're like, oh.

Well, then that's not that scary. It's not intentional. Guys, guys, wrap it up. We're good. It hit a tree. I don't know why we're here. I get her drone thing, but they would have had to do that to every house in New Jersey to make an impact. Right.

By the way, and that would be the most unbelievable promotion ever. Just dropping it. Screw putting up posters. We're going to drop some Pennywise. She also only has one neighbor in the vicinity, and they were not around at the time little Pennywise entered her yard. So she ruled out Carol. That was her first thought.

You know she wanted to blame her. Even so, there's no way they could have launched this thing from their house. I hope she tested it out. That's what she told NJ Advanced Media. I have done the research. If you saw how many trees, we get it.

Quote, if you saw how many trees we have and where this thing came from, it made no sense at all. This is like the JFK assassination. I know. It couldn't have come from the grass. She's got a commission. Oliver Stone is developing this

right now. Quote, this is another quote. It didn't even hit any of our trees until it was just about to land at our gate. It looked like a dog toy. They sell it at Hot Topic or something. The fact that she knows the inventory at Hot Topic. Number one, they don't sell dog toys at Hot Topic. No. They sell young girls' outfits.

Half shirts. Cue Twitter of somebody being like, actually. Actually they do. In the front, in the impulse buy area. Yeah, I could see that. They do all kinds of shit now at stores. You can put this powder in your morning smoothie and you're like, I always came to buy jeans.

Jensen continues. I love her insistence on the trees to me makes me believe that someone was like, there probably aren't that many trees. If you saw how many trees. She needs to start like an Instagram account. Jensen clarified that all the trees on her property. I'm joking.

I was about to have a nervous breakdown. Jensen decided to share news of the clown's arrival on Facebook. Of course. Someone probably wrote back and was like, so what? It flew into your treeless property and then what happened? There are so many trees on the property. You don't get it. She thought about calling the police, but Alex said, that's her

boyfriend, they'd just get laughed at. Social media responses eventually convinced Jensen to contact the authorities. There's already two things I don't like. One, get off Facebook. Two, she's taking advice from people via Facebook. Don't change your life in any way based off of commenters. Six people make comments.

But they could do DNA testing, fingerprints on the doll. Can we dust the doll? Sure. Dust it. Dust the doll. The only Facebook page you should be on is our Facebook page, so you can see a photo of this. That's true. That's a good point.

Two Harrington Park police officers showed up. Instead of laughing at Jensen and the found clown, they told her she wasn't wrong to report the incident. Then they laughed later in the car. This is from Jensen Quill. They had a good laugh. They were hysterical. They wouldn't touch it.

They were totally creeped out, too. It was so funny. So these cops are like, no. This is where I get to a point in the story. As a cop. The only thing I pre-thought about this when I put this in. Why is anyone scared of Pennywise? Stephen King created it.

It's not some myth. What? It's not like something that actually is based out of something that should scare you. One guy thought of an idea of a creepy clown in a town that doesn't exist. That shouldn't scare. Now, in the movie, when you're experiencing your story, get scared, you're invested in the characters.

But in your everyday life, somebody's like, look at this scary clown. You're like, yeah, I know the guy who invented that. You have a very healthy psyche. You get afraid of everything. I'm afraid of everything.

I will think about this tonight and be scared. No, you won't. This story? Of the trees? Of how many trees? I'm going to just think about the trees. Right, I know. And I'll just be scared at how awesome it sounds there. But you do. No, you won't. This story? No. Of the trees? Of how many trees? I'm going to just think about the trees. Right, I know.

And I'll just be scared at how awesome it sounds there. But you do. No, I get, I'm so scared. You're like, did I lock the door? Did this happen? I just like, I don't do like haunted houses. I don't do. Oh, when Morgan Murphy posted that Twitter of the sound in her house.

Do you remember this? Yeah. Morgan was like, this. Oh, I was like, get out. And you were like, come over to my house right now. Yeah, get out. Because she posted the video. She's like come over to my house right now because she posted the video she's like someone tell me

what this sound is and then her dog starts barking and it does sound like someone knocked something over walking into her apartment and you were freaking out

I don't believe in them but I there's energy and I don't I'm an energy guy too you don't know what it is if it's like a lot cooler right

so if it's a lot cooler in a certain part of your room you're like wait a minute so wait we were in Denver the other night I don't know what it is. If it's like a lot cooler. Right. So if it's a lot cooler in a certain part of your room, you're like, wait a minute. So wait, we were in Denver the other night. I don't know what I think. I mean, I know there's probably not, but. We were in Denver. I was sleeping in the loft. And there's two rooms.

I'm sleeping in the bedroom and I shut the door. I don't know why I shut the door, but I just did. Sure, you're supposed to. Maybe also to keep it like not so light in the room. And in the middle of the night i heard someone walk past the bed into the bathroom to go to the bathroom and i thought it was randy and my thought was like why is he using this bathroom like what why and why are you open the door and i could have dreamt i could have dreamt it i'm sure you're sure i dreamt it but it felt so real because it was so mundane

it wasn't part of any other larger dream right it just heard it walk by use the bathroom and then in the morning the door was shut and nothing is the condo in denver yes did they still have that suit of armor in the bedroom no in the bedroom in the main area okay well it was in the bedroom when i stayed there and i was like maybe don't put that don't do that i think i think a comic. I think a comic, The Last Reign of St. Jor, probably did that to follow the next comic. That's funny. But things like that, I'm like, I know it's just a suit of armor,

but it's haunted. It's haunting. Yes. I don't like objects. I would say two out of every three suits of armor is haunted. Yeah.

You can say that with like, they're designed to die in. Yes. Now, what was the writing on the doll? Yeah. Did they ever get to it? Oh, sorry.

No, I love that. You want to know. Kirkman with the facts. The cops were sitting there, and we were all trying to figure it out, she says. But so far- Kirkman seeing the forest from the trees on her lawn. No answers have come to mind. The officers recommended that Jensen get rid of the clown.

Quote, I'm burning this thing, Jensen said. What are you, an idiot? She said about lighting the toy up, but the clown. Quote, I'm burning this thing, Jensen said. What are you, an idiot? She said about lighting the toy up, but the clown would not ignite. What? That's amazing. She doused the clown in olive oil to help start the blaze. No dice. Finally, she successfully used some newspaper

as kindling. You have all these trees and you need newspaper to reduce Pennywise the ashes. So I will show you guys the photo. It's the before, what landed by the gate, right where it stood. And then also, I mean,

this will be on our Facebook page. Can we say just, I want to take one mini step back. Okay. If a Pennywise doll fell in your backyard, and again, granted, you have to have a lot of trees for this thing. And if it dodged every tree.

If it dodged every tree and fell in your backyard. Right. There's a moment where you're like, what is going on?ged every tree. If it dodged every tree and fell in your backyard. Right. There's a moment where you're like, what is going on? Yeah. Right? Fair, but you don't need to call the cops. You don't have to call the cops.

You take it out and throw it away. I might just in case it was like someone fucking with me, but you don't burn things with that many trees around you. Exactly. It's going to start a forest fire. I thought you had a lot of trees. All right, let's see it. Maybe she's lying about the trees.

Okay. Hold on. I am pulling it up right now. Does olive oil make things burn? I didn't know that. I don't know. That is kind of cute. What is written on its forehead?

That's a code for something. Obis? Obis. O-G-8. CZ. TZ or CZ? I don't know. CZ.

OJ-8. Also, guys, we are breaking the first rule. Swear to God, this just dawned on me. Not pre-planned. We're breaking the first rule of every haunted movie. Scary movie. Do not read something you don't understand. We're going to open

a hole in the universe that's going to bring Kirkman is legitimately upset. See, I'm going to think about this tonight. You guys read it out loud and it's in you now. Why don't you go into a basement and start reading Latin while you're at it? I'm going to need to call a

priest. This is where I get very Catholicolic jesus be by my side when i wash my face by the way not scary at all i mean it looks like it looks like a weird children's version it doesn't even actually look like pennywise no but it looks like an anime or something right it is some's like a Funko stuffed doll. Or like a Japanese anime version. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. But the writing is weird. And why would it land there?

Okay, the writing definitely makes it. The writing you guys recited out loud together in unison. It's probably just like a teenage prank. Maybe. But the writing to me says something even weirder. Something falls over in your kitchen while you're standing. Stop it. Because you guys read it in unison.

I did not. That was weird. Oh, damn. I did not. There we go. But that's a hot tip, by the way. Olive oil will help things burn. I just thought that you put it on your pan.

Yeah, I know. I'm always panning it. It helps. Yeah, I didn't know. There you go. There we go. Story two down in the books. Daniel.

Yeah, we have one quick thing if you want me to close it out. Yeah, close it out. The writing on the clown's down in the books, Daniel. We have one quick thing if you want me to close it out. The writing on the clown's forehead was the most disturbing part. By the way, we could see the writing on the clown from the beginning. She said it looked like weirdo occult satanic shit. It does. And then her boyfriend Googled figures that scrawled on the head to figure out what it was. We couldn't find anything. On Saturday night, Jensen slept with a knife and the bedroom door locked.

It's funny, but it was creepy, said Jensen. I don't know if it's that funny. That's why I wanted you to know about her. It's funny, but creepy, says Jensen, who owns a Reiki and intuitive healing business in Ridgeford. So she's already on her own astral plane. She is. She's bringing in some energy. She needs to block off the energy.

She needs to sage the doors and windows in an X formation. Oh, my God. I kind of live in the woo. What is that? You know Burning Man. What is W-O-O? I live in the woo. Like the woo-woo.

The woo. In like the. The ethereal. Yeah. I'm in the ethereal. You're an energy guy. You said so yourself. In terms of ghosts.

I don't live in the woo. I live in the woo. I don't read chants out loud like you guys. She lives in the space between reality and the... She lives in the woo. It's not like hitting the woe. Maybe she meant to say, I live in the woods. There's so many trees.

Throughout the clown ordeal, she kept asking herself, quote, am I getting cursed? Just in case she took every precaution, I had a stick of sage and I lit that thing. She says, I was walking around the entire property through all of our trees. Jensen shared the photo. This shit's going to burn down. She did not say through all of our trees. I'm crossing myself. She said, I'm just glad my kids weren't there

since she moved to Bergen County from Chicago in 2011. We'll get out of here on this. Just said my kids weren't there. Other slightly odd things have happened, but they always had an explanation and that's when they get out. Oh, no. So the clown might be the last straw. You know what I mean?

Or the first. All right. There you go. Send in the clown. Story two, down in the books. That's crazy. Dan, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to see in the third season? We have a story of Captain Jack Sparrow.

There we go. Ish. All right. We said said it we did it we uh we we got clowny and then now we're going to get piratey in the last episode it's halloween this week i hope you have a great halloween we've got jen kirpman with us stay at this podcasting channel stick around look us down there's more Hey guys, welcome back to the show. DPT, final story. Daniel, take us home with some Jack Sparrow nonsense. Here we go. Sent in by I am WFIROFLcopter.

I don't know. At Gator Nation CEO. Here we go. Thank you. Gator Nation. Search and rescue crews are looking for a florida man who went missing after he took out his paddle boat according to officials joshua grant hensley was last seen by park rangers that's never good when that's who sees you last park rangers like like a store clerk

fine a lot of people see them less but but park officials. Park officials are like the last thing they say is, hey, what are you doing? Right. Don't go there. There's a barrier. Okay. He was last seen by park rangers at Hunter Springs Park in Crystal River, Florida. Add that to the walking tour on Saturday evening after he set off on a boat towards Shell Island to watch the sunset, according to a release from the Citrus County...

Alone. Alone. Add that to the list of things that Kirkman will never do. He goes out on a boat. Take a boat on a boat. Out to an island just to watch the sunset. No, I don't think so. Although I would do that more than I would do some other things.

I can't think of what they are. Okay, they're going. Hensley was, at the time of doing all this, being yelled at by park rangers, going out on a boat, wanting to watch the sunset on an island. Hensley was dressed as the time of doing all this, being yelled at by park rangers, going out on a boat, wanting to watch the sunset on an island. Hensley was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, the main character in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Or Caribbean, if you're which scholar. I can't remember.

Yep, it's Caribbean. So he had full eyeliner, right? Yes. Full eyeliner. He was wearing brown colonial style pants, a brown bandana, and brown and white jacket when he left the shore. Oh, it sounds like such a knockoff version of the outfit. Oh, yeah.

Johnny Depp modeled it after Keith Richards, who's kind of cool. So this sounds like such a low-grade, disappointing outfit. Hensley's paddle boat, it's also a paddle boat. So he's dressed like that paddling his heart out. He thinks he's on a pirate ship. In his mind, he's on a pirate ship. A lot of ahoy being yelled. Parlay? Can I

parlay? No, just talk to me. That would make pirates seem so much less intimidating if they had to run their feet to paddle. Drop the paddle boats! And they go down and they just... Oh, that would be more fun. Hensley's paddle boat was found in Kings Bay near Pete's Pier on Monday morning and his

car remained in the Hunter Springs parking lot, according to the release. There's no evidence indicating that he made it to Shell Island. Where is he? Who knows? Was he real? We really don't know? That's why I'm bringing this here. We have a costume man, the week of Halloween, and I would love Dumb People Town helping me find this gentleman.

Find him. How big is Shell Island? This is my thing. If he went out, oh, I don't know, probably small. I feel like it's small. I think it's three islands and they move around and you have to guess which one he's on. Here's my thing.

Where's the Jack Sparrow? Because is it just like a mound of land or is there like a local store at Shell Island? Like, does anyone live on Shell Island? Maybe it's just Shells, that's why. There's a gas station. Crystal Springs, Florida? Yes.

Here's my other thing. Crystal Springs, Florida? Yes. Here's my other thing. Crystal River, Florida. The fact that he's... I don't think it was something sad. Because if he was just in a polo and board shorts, I'd be like, oh, he was dealing with something. But he didn't want to go disappearing dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow unless he's that committed to the character. And that's a huge commitment. That he's like, oh, I'm going to go out and they won't find me because he's

constantly dodging people and running away. Unless he stood up in the boat and was having some imaginary battle in his head with pirates and then tipped over and drowned. I mean, I hate to say it. They found the boat. Yeah, they found the boat. That's what I'm saying. He tipped over and he drowned. But they didn't say they found it upside down. That's what Shell Island

looks like. So it's legit. It's he drowned. But they didn't say they found it upside down. That's what Shell Island looks like. So it's legit. It's legit island. But he didn't make it there. Where did he? Okay, also I want to show you a picture of him. It might inform some of your opinion. Also, your opinion on how hard he commits to the costume. Look at Mr. Hensley.

Yeah. He went for it. He has the beard things. He's got the goatee beard thing going. Well, it's only a picture of his face. He did do the goatee. He looks like Charles Manson a little. Not his fault. He has the beard things. He's got the goatee beard thing going. Yeah, well, it's only a picture of his face. He did do the goatee. He looks like Charles Manson a little. Not his fault.

But this is him, too. Oh, that's him? Yes, that's him in full regalia. Oh, I thought that was Johnny Depp. Okay, well, there you go. All right. He did a great job. This is a man who wants to live

or had another boat and is running from kids. Or died with his boots on. Yeah, this is a guy trying to out paddle child custody. Maybe he paddled to shore and then walked into the ocean like a goddamn hero.

Like Awakening. Train the ocean. I believe he's still alive. Based off looking at him, would you guys like to guess? How old is Joshua? I believe he's more alive inside than actual Johnny Depp. Oh, I'm sure. Maybe that is Johnny Depp. And he's trying to get away from his wine bill.

Doesn't he spend like a million a month in wine? He also owns a street. It was something like 300,000 a month. He's in such severe debt. I think it's 80 grand actually. Do you know what they call him, Johnny Depp? Like above the store. Johnny Depp.

He's bought like every house on his street. In LA? Yes. He almost owns the entire street. Oh, I didn't know he lived up there. But I think they should start calling him Johnny Depp. That's funny. Thank you.

That's a good lower third for the New York Post, the day that he finally declares bankruptcy. Johnny Depp. Okay, I want to do one, Dan, because you always ask the questions, because this is based now on Kirkman right here. How much a month is he spending? How much? No, no, no. Okay. How much a month does he spend on

This is why I love Dome People's Town. This is where we've ended up. A man on a paddleboat took us here. Jack Sparrow, I feel like, led us here for a reason. We're going to parlay this. His whole trip is parlay. So even if he's gone, he's done something good for the world. He's done something good for the greater good.

And I guarantee this guy's still alive. He's probably listening to our podcast. Two things I'm asking you to guess. How much does he spend a month? Okay. On wine. Approximately. On everything.

Okay, I've got my number. On everything. And then how much does he... You can't look it up. No, I'm not. Then how much does he spend on wine? Okay, I've got my number. On everything. And then how much does he... You can't look it up. No, I'm not. Then how much does he spend on wine? Okay, so you... How much does he spend on what?

On wine per month. Okay. Okay, that's fun. So how much does he spend on everything per month? Oh, what's his total monthly expenses? And then what's his wine expenses? His total monthly... Let's do total first.

Total first. Total monthly expenses for Johnny Depp. Uh-huh. $637,pp. $637,000. Jay, what do you think? $875,000. Kirk's? A million. All right, Tony's getting your answers in.

Yeah, come on. Because Johnny Depp spends, according to this article right here, the Telegraph, which I feel like Telegraph is a reputable paper. London, they know what they're doing. Right. $2 million a month. Holy shit!

A month. Now, the wine is a part of that. Well, I don't know if it's a big part of that, but the wine is part of it. So,

how much money is Yanni Depp spending on wine? $2 million a month? Well, see, my first wine guess was going to be $276, but now,

I want to make my guess $484,000 a month. Okay. I sort of already know the answer, so I don't know if it's fair. Make you go last then. Okay. $250,000. $250,000. You said $484,000.

$484,000. I think it's $300,000. Okay. Or $80,000. Or $80,000. Or $80,000? It's like either. I know I read either number. One of those is the right answer.

The answer is, get your answers in, because Johnny Depp apparently spends $30,000 a month on wine. Still insane. Not as much. Still insane. Now that seems reasonable after all our guesses. I'm like, only $30,000? So what that is

He's drinking a thousand dollar Bottle of wine a night Every day Or he's collecting Or he collects Or he collects like a Twelve thousand dollar bottle And has people over

Yeah I think it's like The bottles are probably A thousand each What's the most expensive Wine or liquor You've ever drank Where you were like This is fucking crazy

We're drinking this So we bought a bottle Of wine on our First year anniversary trip up in Napa. And it was like a silver oak Cabernet from there. And it was like 60 bucks when we bought it. Which at the time was like, what are we doing? And it's still, even to this day, a lot of money is spent on it. But I think over time, 20 years, it becomes much more expensive.

So at the time that we drank it, we drank, 20 years, it, you know, becomes a much more expensive. So it was, at the time that we drank it, we drank it at my wife's 50th birthday. And it was, but we had, whatever, we had to like really let it air out. It was just,

we waited too long. But I think it was worth about $400, which is insane. Yeah. It's insane, but it's like, you're like, I had a special occasion.

That's good. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good number. That was, that felt good. Where you're like, oh, we're not fucking around, but we're not insane. We're not dumb. Right. I think I drank, you're like, I had a special occasion. That's good. That's a good one. That's a good number. That felt good. Where you're like, oh, we're not fucking around, but we're not insane.

We're not dumb. Right. I think I drank, not by myself, but a vintage bottle of Dom Perignon that Chelsea's ex-boyfriend, head of E! Network, gave to, as a joke, and I mentioned the word lower third before where I meant to say headline. The department that wrote the lower thirds, it was just some of the writers. It was myself, this guy guy Chris and this guy Steve and we were really proud of ourselves and we would joke that it's the best part of the show and Ted like they were funny in an owning us way but like nice sent us a bottle of like vintage Dom and was like it is the best

part of the show and it was just to like fuck with everyone yeah and then we asked him how much it was he's like I think it was like 500 like that. Did it taste good or taste better? It was incredible. It was like better than, you're like, oh, I shall never drink a sparkling wine again. I get this. Now, Jay, you bought Randy a really expensive bottle of wine on your honeymoon, right? So when I was on my honeymoon, this was in Chile. It was the year after.

I knew it was Chile. Kirkman, you're going to love this story. I'm just figuring out why on his honeymoon he bought you wine. No, so the first day, we're outside of Santiago. We went to this winery. I love this story. And the pours are like this, and they're expecting you to drink them, not swish it and spit it out. And so I think I have like four glasses of wine on this tour, which is three more than I should ever have.

Sure. And so we're on a 22-day trip through Chile and Argentina, and it's like a beautiful trip, and I'm so excited. But I'm drunk now at this place, and I love the wine, and I'm like, fuck, we should get some wine. And they're like, we could send a whole case home. And I'm like, I don't want to send a whole case home. Let me get like six bottles.

I'm going to carry them with me for 22 days. Six bottles of wine. So many bottles. Don't buy your wine them with me for 22 days. Six bottles of wine. So dumb. So many bottles. Don't buy your wine at the beginning of your trip. It's a drunk decision. It's a dumb drunk decision. I'll be fine.

You buy your duty free. That's on your way back. So I didn't know if I'd find it duty free. Dan, I'm at a very special winery. So I go and I say, give me these six of this one that I loved. And it was a kind of wine that wasn't really available. I'd never seen before a red wine. And I said, okay, I'm going to get these. I I'm gonna give them to people who are special to me in my

life and I'm explaining to them how great this winery was and they're gonna love it all right so I bring it carry it 22 days with my stuff all through Argentina everywhere come home give them out to my neighbor give the rain I think gave one to like my manager like able to a bunch of people friends and then this is like and I with each bottle i give it i'm like this is a very special bottle i carried this for 20 it's really chilly i could have in my asshole no i just said i carry the walk-in speech from yeah it's like the watch from fucking pulp fiction i'm handing it to each person like this is the most beautiful thing in the world three days after i'm back three days after i'm back i'm in trader joe's i look down to my left yep like bottom shelf bottom 499 bottom shelf 699 i think so 699 doesn't even have a

staff recommendation no no there's like 40 of them and i literally like look to the sky in trader joe's and i was like no how much did you pay? Like around that amount. It wasn't like we paid that much more. But to me, the idea of schlepping it that far. Amazing. Was it so gross? No, it was good. It's a good wine, but it was one of those things where it's available a mile from your house.

So dumb. But your heart, you know what? Your heart was in the right place. Yeah. Now, I just Googled how long does it take on the boat to get to Shell Island. Some people say from the state park it takes about five minutes. Some say less than 30. It takes about 15 to 30 to get there by boat or jet ski. What about by paddle boat?

By paddle boat. Paddle boat could take like two or three. That's like two hours at least. Yes, at least two hours. He could still be paddling. I just wanted him to be out there Captain Ron in it. Do you think that maybe he took off all his costume and then he's like, yeah, just became a normal person over there?

Or he just lives on the island. He just shed himself. He's that guy now. What if he just decides- So good. Okay, this is what I think his plan is going to be. And if anybody goes out to Shell Island for Halloween, tell us. Population of 19,000.

Go ahead. Population. I think he is going to go out onto Shell Island. This is his thing. Dressed as Jack Sparrow. And he is going to haunt Shell Island for Halloween. And that is his gift to Shell Island. Like pretend that he dies, quote unquote, and then haunt the island.

That's so smart. Wouldn't that be amazing? Yeah. And then he's going to just fly an It clown, right? They've hired him as promotion for the new Pirates movie. What if that's it? We're talking about it. We are talking about it. It's literally a viral campaign.

Alright, well there you go. Those are stories, Jen Kirkman. Please check out her amazing podcast, Having Funlessness with Jen Kirkman. Subscribe to it now. Townies, you will love it. It is such a good listen. If you love this show and you love her on the show, and I know you do, you will love her podcast. Subscribe to it right away.

Go see her live whenever she's live. Buy her books. Do all that stuff. Follow her on Twitter. Do it. And follow Daniel at DanielVanKirk.com and SuperSpice.com. Thanks, Diane. Sorry to step on you, brother. Come see us in Austin, Texas. We're going to be there in a couple weeks. Oh, yeah. Three shows I want to say. We're doing a show with Dynasty Typewriter called Tag It, where we have

comedians come up and they do their set to be there in a couple weeks. Oh yeah, three shows I want to say. We're doing a show with Dynasty Typewriter called Tag It where we have So much fun. I made my album that I did with you guys. Comedians come up and they do their set and Jay and I are off stage and we are feverishly writing tags that we then come on stage afterwards and pitch to the comedians.

And if they like it, they can use it. If we riff and we come to a better place, it's even better. If they hate it, that's funny too. It's called Tag It

and on that show, Bronger, Ryan Sickler, Jessamay Peluso, Rhea Butcher it's just great Jack Knight Jay Shander Sarkar Kyle Ayers

great show so that's November 7th Thursday night there and then Dynasty Typewriter on December 2nd live at Largo and then we're at Cap City

in the middle of yeah just check it all out guys have fun have a great weekend and oh shit we gotta get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound.

Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Don't people town. A podcast network.