Dumb People Town - Jenny Zigrino - McJunked

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

This week Jenny Zigrino comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy to hear about a date gone wrong in a cemetary.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Zagrino. Jenny Zagrino. Hi. Hi Jenny. Nice to see you, Jenny. episode of dumb people town population you population's a green oak jenny's a green oak hi just to see you what's happening jenny remember we used to like get to meet up in random cities and hang it was like the best it was crazy the old world the good old days the old world those were times i don't know if they were good i mean they're better than now but we had some time are we gonna always memorialize those times as just being so good even if they weren't because it's not now we're like oh i remember that no we're gonna get to do it again

and whenever we're like annoyed at our like airport transportation not being there we're gonna still be like man this is way better than it not happening at all. No, we won't. I will. Humans. Are you kidding? At least for the first few days. Humans. Yeah. We'll be like in two weeks after we get the vaccine, we'll just be like, oh, why is service so slow at this restaurant? I know.

I do want to show you guys. I found my planner. Oh, God. From this year. Let's see. Can you read anything from it? Oh, my God. What do you have for like February 12th?

Oh, look. This was March. Oh. Yeah. See how full that was? Yeah. And at the bottom it says how much money I was going to make in colleges.

Oh. Stop it. Damn. Stop it. That never happened. Oh, God damn it. This was, I skipped February for some reason.

This was January. Dude, you're busy, girl. Show me August. Show me August of this year. August doesn't even have dates on it. It's just a blank white piece of paper. Yeah, it's just a scream. It's just an audible scream. It starts on the 1st and

ends on the 30th. Let me ask you this because we ask all of our guests this, and I'm curious to think to get your take on this, Jenny, but do you think the world is getting dumber? Have we gotten dumber in the pandemic or do you think we may get smarter out of this? Oh no. No, we're still dumb.

No, you have an entire generation of people who will not have gone to school in like any real sense. Sure. Right. That's right. Who've stared at a computer for ad nauseum who have no social skills. Yep.

Um, and, and they're, you're just going to have a whole generation of just really dumb, dumb people. Yeah. That's where I think maybe Jen's was maybe Gen Z is like the 21 to whatever.

They're the last smart group and everyone before them is just going to be a bunch of fucking idiots. There we go. You got to go back to the beginning of the alphabet. Gen AA. I do have to keep going. What is going to be after Gen AA?

Or start doing like Numbers Roman numerals But sometimes they just give out names Like millennial Yeah Like sometimes you'll get a name Baby boomers

This should be the pandemic generation Yeah The pandy gen The pandy gen The pandy gen I love it You're not the pandy gen No

You're the smart gen I am not And I'm supplying you To help us That's right In this story We're going to Jen and I'm so employing you to help us in this story. We're going to break down one story that we get sent to us from our amazing fans. Dan's going to break it down and we'll get into how people are calling it. Okay, you guys ready? I'm excited.

Here we go. Sent in by NotThatKindOfDoctor at Dr. B Money. But what kind of a doctor is that? Is this a Jill Biden thing? A Jill Biden doctor? He's got a PhD in being a player. Someone asked, where's all the outrage to Dr. Kvorkian? At Dr. underscore B.

Why don't you put that heat on Dr. Julius Irving? Dr. J. How about Dr. Phil? Thank you. That guy's not a real doctor. Is he a real doctor, Dave? No. Ready for this headline?

Tennessee man went to cemetery to meet date already all that is a dead on arrival okay i already have a comment about this let's hear it uh i love going to the cemetery i was right next to cemetery if someone was like do you want to go have a picnic in the forest memorial cemetery i'd be like you're my soulmate let's do this oh my god see that takes stones to do something like that have you been to the tombstones have you ever been to the hollywood hollywood forever cemetery i haven't i haven't been to that one it's cool didn't uh jodorowsky recorded his special mausoleum i think that is where rory Scoville proposed.

Was that like one of those movie screenings? Have you been down to the cemeteries? The mausoleum is the above ground in New Orleans? Yes. So yeah, New Orleans. Those are awesome. You can't bury anyone in New Orleans because it's water that's like about a foot or two below.

So they're all like above ground. I mean, that famous scene in Easy Rider when he's tripping and freaking out down in New Orleans at that thing. It's pretty beautiful. But like what goth dating app is where you're like, she said she'd be like, she'd be like, you're my soulmate. Jenny's probably on the goth app.

Are you on the goth app, Jenny? It is called the goth dating app for sure um okay it's called dark full title though full title then tennessee man or full title full uh headline tennessee man went to cemetery to meet date instead someone shot at him I mean It was me Jenny I did it Don't Also like You're in the right place to die right That's a moment where you're like

Why couldn't I just get catfished Like this is way worse than fishing This is hunting Yeah but That sounds still like a catfish I would agree Monroe County I did

I'm You know I'm Binging Parks and rec right now. And the Jason Manzoukas is line that this, my son and I laughed for like 35 seconds and we had to rewind and watch it five times when he's saying, well, there's a guy crying in the corner over there.

He's like, don't worry about him. Don't look at him. Just treat him like a foreign man who you just paid $25,000 to hunt. So maybe this is one of those situations, right? Like the dating app is like also a human hunting app. The most dangerous game or whatever that little short story was. Yeah, most dangerous game.

Right? So you pay. Or surviving the game, the iced tea classic. Right. So you pay a lot of money to be on this dating app, and they reach out. Half the dating app is like billionaires who want to hunt a human. Sure. And the other half of the dating app are unknowing people who are like,

meet me in a cemetery. Are you into death stuff? Right. And maybe it's one of those things where it's like, Not yet. Shoot him. You're going to be. Shoot him, and you don't have to dump the body.

We'll just roll them over into that hole over there uh yeah an eastern tennessee man apparently was looking for love in all the wrong places oh my god love good news someone take a shot at this you think they're hiring over there at the tennessee for comedy writers i always wondered like wouldn't it be funny if like common like comedians started writing, like, local news journalism? Oh, my God. It would be great. But made it really funny.

Yes. We could do it. According to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office, a Toledo Plains man went to a cemetery expecting to meet a date. Instead, a man shot at him, and it shot at him how many times? How many times did a guy try and shoot at him shoot at me once once and i shame on right once is like i'm leaving no no you say four jenny says four i'm gonna say four what based on what why do you think it's four oh is that my dog it's like what's that noise just saying that's just my dog breathing um i would say okay so the first time is like okay whoa yeah whoa what do you want and then the second time is like oh no i'm over

here and then the third and fourth time we're like oh my god i like you okay dance for me shooting at your date is the ultimate negging, right? Yes. Mystery would be like, this is how you're going to get away. But I just imagining him showing up and then there's a gunshot that like knocks his hat off his head and he turns. He's like, Jenny, I'm trying. I can't hear you.

Either someone is shooting and I'm trying to talk to you. All right. Jenny says four. I'm going to say seven, seven. I'm going to say seven. Seven? I'm going to say 12. Okay. We're going to take a quick break.

When we come back, we will find out which one of you is exactly right. Oh! Yeah. Can we also say what gun was used? It will, yes. Okay. We'll finish the story and do that when we get back stick around hey guys welcome back to uh this very special episode friday episode of dumb people town

uh how can people follow you on socials we want people to get on your train as it were i'm on jenny zagrino at everything j-e-n-n-y z-i-g-r-i-n-o what a great tick tock instagram what are you doing what are you doing on the tick tocks yeah like what i'm gonna find so the tick tock is a lot of me just repurposing my stand-up and then yep and then um i've been doing i did a couple sketches earlier in the pandemic when depression wasn't so sweeping and horrifying. And then today I posted a story which I'll talk to you guys about, which is my dumb story.

Which also very related to death and cemetery. It's so strange. What a coincidence. How serendipitous. Death becomes us all. All right.

So when we left, you guys were trying to guess how many times our date got shot at in the cemetery. I said, I said. Jenny said four. Jay said seven. I said 12. And Dan said one of you. Is exactly right. So now, Jenny, we get to play the game.

Who do you think is exactly right? You're going to stick with four? Do you think it's Jay's seven? Or do you think is exactly right? You're going to stick with four? Do you think it's Jay's seven or do you think it's my 12? I want to stick with four. Good. Okay, because the gun I'm imagining is like an old Western style revolver. Sure, a revolver. That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe it's a ghost. Do we ever think that it might be a ghost? Maybe it's a ghost. Dude, we are in a cemetery I know I said seven I say twelve I'm gonna stick with mine

Yeah we're sticking with our choices Okay Before I give the answer I want to remind everybody That we are doing The next live Dumb People Town On January 16th

With our guest Zach Galifianakis And music by Music by John Paul White And a Greenlee And a Greenlee And Things that we found Stuck in us from last year if you

join us pre-show you'll get to be at a live uh patreon episode so you can get it you can get a twofer these tickets are going so fun we want to fill this one up the last four that we've done have been like magical experiences zach doesn't do a lot of live shows anymore no matter what the world's like so for a lot of people who are near Largo, this is your chance to see him live. And he is literally one of the funniest people. So there are people out there who are just like, this person's funny just on this and that.

He's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And then I'm not sure when this is dropping, but I have Bingo on the 30th. Close out the year with me. Raise some money for No Kill Shelters, Food Banks, and Big Brothers Big Sisters, as well as win some prizes for yourself. And on the second, live pen pals.

You can start the new year with me and Rory. We're doing a lot of fun. Go to danielvankirk.com for all that stuff. Plus, Pub Game Trivia Night, where you and your team members can play pub game trivia with me. All right, danielvankirk.com for all that fun stuff here we go how many times was he shot he was shot at seven times oh my god way to go jason's and his car was set on fire now this is not a good date jenny you are not down for that because you got to drive

away at the end he or she is like, I kind of like them. Like, I know. Like, I don't get me wrong. I see the red flags. Like, I see the red flags. That is attention on someone. Let me ask. I wouldn't take.

Here's the thing. Go ahead. Well, was the person ever presented or it was just bullets coming from nowhere and then he went to his car and it was on fire? We got it right here. So the Eastern Tennessee man. By the way, Bullets from Nowhere is my favorite Woody Allen movie. Yes. Bullets from Nowhere. And then he went to his car and it was on fire. We got it right here. So the Eastern Tennessee man. By the way, Bullets from Nowhere is my favorite Woody Allen movie.

Yes. Bullets from Nowhere. They opened up for Portugal. It's also a really good Bob Dylan album. Yes. And it's also a great U2 song. Okay. So the victim is our Eastern Tennessee man, our ETM, right?

But they caught Keith Brandon McJunkin. That is this person's name. Keith Brandon McJunkin. That is this person's name. Keith Brandon McJunkin. Brandon McJunkin. Sir, you need to say your full name. Can I just go by Keith? Keith. No.

Just call me McJunkin. McJunkin. Call me McJunkin. He's straight B McJunkin off. You think that's German? Is that a German name? McJunkin is like when think that's German? Is that a German name? McJunkin is like when they serve like balls at

McDonald's. Some people find themselves in a fraternity. Sometimes the fraternity finds you. This guy was born to be in a frat. Dude, McJunkin. This is a guy who... His initials are even cool. KBM. You can go KBM or you can just go McJunkin. Obviously, everybody just calls him

McJunkin. McJunkin, 100%. 100% McJunkin. Danny, it feels like the guy who's always looking at shopping and garage sales and his friends call him McJunkin. Right. Guys, if we were watching... McJunkin over here. If we could flash this back 10 or 12 years, whatever it was, and you were

watching a game of Vince McMahon's XFL, and on somebody's jersey on the back. It said Mick Junkin. You would think like, oh, that's another one of those joke name jerseys. Like, no. Or he's just got a really gigantic schlong. Yeah.

Magic Mick Junkin. Keith Brandon. My favorite Schunkin movie. Was arrested. Maybe Keith does have a huge schlong. I mean. I mean, to have the balls to just shoot at someone. And then light a car on fire.

You'd be Mick Junkin. That is big dick energy. Keith Brandon. MickJunkin. That is big dick energy. Keith branding McJunkin was arrested in my 18th. Go ahead. Wait, you could say that like this happens again. You got McJunked. You got McJunked. Yes. I want a prank show. You got McJunked, dude. You got McJunked. She's got a lot of McJunkin

in her trunk. That's what he's having. That's my version of the Antiques Roadshow. Jenny's McJunkin' in the trunk What we got And then when you don't like it You light it on fire He was arrested That's great

If I don't like this 18th century tapestry We're going to light it on fire And take two shots at you That's how we do on McJunkin' If I don't like this figurine that your grandma bought in Nepal, we are going to set it on fire. We're going to have to McJunket. He was charged with theft of a property

under $1,000, arson, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, possession of a firearm, driving on a revoked license. I mean, he's touching all the bases, McJunket. Where's the theft, though? What did he steal? According to the Monroe County Deputy Jason Johnson, that's the deputy, though? What did he steal? According to the Monroe County Deputy, Jason Johnson, that's the deputy,

the victim said he went to DeHart, it's all in the DeHart, DeHart Cemetery, also known as Holly Springs Baptist Church, to meet a woman for a date at around 8.30pm while the victim waited in his 2000 Ford Expedition. You don't need to shade my car. I'm doing the victim waited in his 2000 Ford Expedition. Like, you don't need to

shade my car. I'm doing the best I can. McJunkin allegedly came out of the woods, which I feel like McJunkin by some sort of old, like, elven ritual has to announce himself when he leaves the woods. McJunkin! Do you know how they say, like,

release the Kraken? Release the McJunkin. Like, McJunkin is McGruber's Mor Kraken? You release the McJunkin. Like, McJunkin is McGruber's Moriarty, right? McJunkin! Yeah. So when he leaves, he says McJunkin out? Yes. Yep.

Listen, babe. You just got McJunkin. Speaking of Parks and Rec, that's what I was going to say. Babe, you got McJunkin. You got McJunkin. McJunkin. Okay. While the victim waited in his 2000 ford expedition mcjunkin allegedly came out of the woods near the cemetery and walked toward

the vehicle the victim said mcjunkin leveled what appeared to be a 22 caliber rifle yep fired three shots at the driver's side window the victim said that he as he drove away mcjunkin allegedly fired four more shots near the rear of the vehicle. The victim then jumped out of the car. You're in the car driving. Stay in the car. This is how you get away. No, I want to stay in the car. He hates this car.

He hates these cans. If you want it, McJunkin, you can have it. More cans. He said that he jumped out of the car, ran into the woods. He later asked his sister to return to the cemetery to get the vehicle leave her out of this sis can you do me a favor what do you need i left my car at de hart cemetery could you go get it for me can you imagine anything i need to know why'd you do that brother yeah it was a date it was a date so it went pretty well you left your car there huh well where their fireworks? A lot. I got fired on. She took her shot

and I didn't like it. I think that these two things are unrelated. I think McJunkin come out of the woods is unrelated to the date. Agreed.

I think McJunkin is an old Tennessee ghost of a moonshiner. Yep. Yes. You got an old Tennessee McJunkin. You got an old Tennessee McJunkin.unkin you got an old tennessee mcjunkin he defends the cemetery yeah from dates he just did what ghosts do and the girl was late she she showed up in a car

imagine being late to the day and you show up watching one person shoot at another person while they drive their car away and then jump out and run it's like being back to the future but 10 minutes early here's the deal so then this guy and she comes home and she's like i told you these apps are terrible so this guy goes back home said no get out there runs through the woods he's banned in his truck at the heart cemetery with mcjunkin he gets home or to his sister's house whatever and he asked his sister to return to the cemetery to go get his vehicle wouldn't someone have to drive is she supposed to walk yeah here that's not the point. She goes, then she comes back

and tells him that she went there, but the vehicle was on fire. This is when McJunkin said, you leave me a car, I'm setting it on fire. That's right. The woman,

this is the sister, I guess, managed to put the blaze out and then drove the vehicle home. Dude, greatest sister ever. She's the coolest sister ever. This woman needs a date. The victim said that a 14 inch subwoofer and a stereo amplifier were missing from the expedition along with a cell phone and a pouch

containing 30 in coins i was going to make a guess but i also just felt like it was weird enough to say 30 in coin and a pouch which you know was a Crown Royal pouch. Yeah, exactly. You know it was a Crown Royal pouch. A velvet pouch. Look, there's a coin shortage. We all know why. Yep. It's because of this guy. Deputies arrested McJunkin the next day. If we have it ready, we're now going to bring up a picture of McJunkin for you guys to see.

I'm so excited. And then we're going to guess how old is Keith Brandon McJunkin. Brandon. Okay, here's what he looks like. He looks like his head is being pressed down by an immovable force. He looks like he's auditioning to be like a picture in Ripley's Believe It or Not. And they're like, no, it's not squished enough, buddy. He's Jim Norton in the Jim Norton story.

I'm telling you, he's a ghost moonshiner. Look at that face. He looks like the guy who's the baseball clown guy who lost all of his teeth before he lost all of his teeth. Bitter beer face. By the way, if you want to see what this guy looks like, follow us on Facebook. Don't people tell Facebook page. All right. How old do you

guys think you're getting to look at him? And you know that can be deceiving, but you can also go with just whatever you feel. How old is this piece of McJunkin? Jenny, you can go go with just whatever you feel. How old is McJunkin? How old is this piece of McJunkin? Jenny, you can go first, second. I'm going to say 32. Okay.

32. That's an interesting... Again, sometimes pictures can be deceiving. I think he's 43. 43 years old from Randy Sklar. 36. 36. Okay.

So, Jenny says 32. I say 43. Jay says 36. Jay says 36. Jay says 36. We will get out of here on this, unless you are a Patreon member, which means you're going to get to hear Jenny tell a dumb story of her own, from her own life.

So join the Patreon if you want to get on that, plus so much more. But I will tell all of you that Keith Branding McJunkin is 39 years old. Oh, Jay gets it.

Let's go Jason. Two for two in this show. I feel good about myself. I McJunked it. That is our mini story, my friend. What great details. And I'm so happy.

Jenny Segrino is here. Follow her, check out her standup, follow her on all platforms. Yep. My specials on YouTube, my Comedy Central special. Happy Jenny Zagrino is here. Follow her. Check out her stand-up. Follow her on all platforms. Yep. My special's on YouTube, my Comedy Central special. Watch her Comedy Central special.

Free, free, free. I always tell you guys this when it's comics that I personally know and love and that are worth it. Whenever you see a comedy club saying, hey, who do you want us to have back when this pandemic ends? Or if you just want to do it over your own. If you're living in Cleveland, hit up Hilarities and say, when can Jenny Zagrino come back here that's right that stuff really matters you should be going online and telling comedy clubs to bring her to your city and call out great bits that from

her special that you love too and and they always love to hear that as well so uh thank you so much thank you this is a lot of fun oh, we gotta get back to work. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Starbends Audio, a podcast network.