Dumb People Town - Jenny Zigrino - MILF On The Shelf

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

This week Jenny Zigrino comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is one mans revenge for not getting a job.This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Dumb People Town listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/DPT. Don’t sleep on savings. Brooklinen’s Presidents’ Day Sale is right around the corner. Listening after the sale? You can still get the deals of your dreams at Brooklinen.com with promo code DUMBVisit athleticgreens.com/DPT for a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritionalinsurance!Secure your online data TODAY by visiting ExpressVPN.com/dpt and you can get an extra three months FREE when you choose your plan.

Sky Beans Avenue make this so listen to our podcast with co-host our man Dan don't be a jerk cause when the music hits the funny hits we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound

come here down it's Dumb People Town hey townies welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town

population you population Zagrino Jenny Zagrino to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Zagrino. Hello. Jenny Zagrino. Hi, girl. I'm so happy you're on the show. I'm so happy to be back. Yeah, good to have you back in town.

I just got to see you on Friday when we both did Faded. And I don't think the last time I'd seen you was when we hung out at high plains right yeah yeah yeah which i which i almost got thrown out of i'm what hey i'm not trying i'm not trying to white knight myself but should that should that be my dumb story yes yes yes okay we're teasing in here can we at least can we at least tease jenny that i went I went to the wall for you? He did. We'll tell her. He's a king among men.

I'm going to say that right now. We know that. King among men. We understand that. But I'll say this, and our fans kind of subtly know this, that the people we invite back on Dumb People Town or who we have back multiple times, people know why. Because they're just good. They get it.

They know what we're talking about. You understand this world. You understand how dumb this world is, Jenny. You get it oh every day every it's my burden it's my burden damn day every damn day so let's get into a story we get them sent to us uh it's awesome our fans send them to go on twitter at daniel van kirk and then hashtag dumb people town he knows where they come and the order they come in so daniel let's fire one up not just that because of my weird memory i know when it's somebody that i've never heard from before which is what happened today a rookie a big big zo rehab at diamond zo diamond z o thank you diamond zo i appreciate you uh guys we got somebody stealing from a sex toy shop

hide the pocket vagina or do you slide it into a pocket vagina and then get out of there I know. Appreciate you. Guys, we got somebody stealing from a sex toy shop. Uh-oh. Hide the pocket vagina. Or do you slide it into a pocket vagina and then get out of there? You slide the vagina inside your own vagina? Yes. You slide your vagina inside your vagina, and inside the pocket vagina that's inside your own vagina is about $60 in cash. That's right. It's called glove humping.

That's how I get across the border every time. Don't even ask me. I just do it. Slide it in the pocket vagina and get out of there. Parliament playing in the background. Flashlight. glove humping that's how i get across the border every time don't even ask me i just do it slide it in the pocket vagina and get out of there parliament playing in the background flashlight neon light a hatfield township man is facing felony robbery charges after he allegedly stole sex toys from adult world in montgomery township a philadelphia suburb dan's adult world can we get can we get a little more creative like there's the pleasure chest which is in in we've they do comedy shows

in there jenny have you ever done that i have yes of course you have i like that i need to i need to say okay i don't know if you guys have been to minneapolis. It's not there anymore, but there was Sex World. Sex World. World. Sex World. It's a world. World of sex. A planet. It's three stories of sexual accoutrements.

Yes. I remember. They had like a big... I bought my first porn there when I was 18. Really? Dan, you would have loved it. They had a whole...

Apparently, so we were told because we never went in there, but our friend Nick Swartzen told us all about it. He said, there's a whole wall of whips yep i love a good giant a giant dicky ride really hey where is your k-y jelly it's over by the whip wall oh man they had the doll house oh my god i could just go into it okay on the way to the cabin there was a place well go into it. On the way to the cabin,

there was a place. We'd drive from Rochelle up to the cabin. There was a place called Naughty But Nice. You bet your ass. When we turned 18, we stopped there. In DeKalb, Illinois, right next to Rochelle, the only porn store that I knew, it's called the Paperback Grotto.

Paperback Grotto. Paperback Grotto. Paperback grotto. Paperback grotto. Paperback grotto. I love it. I love it. Wait, naughty by nature could be

one, that could be one that does like all natural like recycled dildo. Well, if you combine if you combine naughty naughty but nice with natural wonders that's how you get naughty but nature yeah naughty by nature naughty by nature volume 16 not as good as 15 yeah it's true um for that okay also don't you just love the idea of deep deep philly philly accents yeah like selling you don't you just love the idea of deep, deep Philly accents? Where are the dildos?

Don't get any water on this. Don't get any water on this. It's going to ruin it. Are we cutting down those dildos over there? Dildos. That's so gross sounding. Now you get this in water, you're going to ruin it. Don't get any in water, you're not ruining it.

Don't get any water on those pocket vaginas. Where'd you leave yours? Down at the Wawa and Fiff and Locust? I got a couple of them. We got to get a price check on these poppers over here. What about a water-based lubricant? We got water-based lubricant. Water-based lubricant you know we got water-based labor water-based water-based labor can't and uh

we got a couple of a couple of weather masks up here when he dykstra comes in here a lot i know uh this is a this guy's name his name his name was meant to be said in a philly uh dialect police say jacob mcfarland mcfarland jac McFarland. You got to swallow the L. Right. And the R. He entered Adult World around 8.30 p.m. on December 27th. Right there. Right in between Christmas and New Year's,

he was getting a jump start on his resolutions. Yeah. He entered around 8.30 p.m. on December 27th, at which point he selected a fleshlight and a auto blow AI, then proceeded to exit the store without paying. I'll take those and I'll just walk over here. The auto blows creators contend that the 10 speed masturbator, which plugs into a wall outlet, uses artificial intelligence to give you the perfect blow job. Yeah. Get in the blow. Auto blow.

And the mouth is designed. It's actually a replica of Haley Joel Osment's mouth. From AI. It's in Philly, so it's Allen Iverson's mouth. I thought it was going to look like a Ahish Allen Iverson fan. No, but it was the answer. You guys, you can call me old-fashioned. I don't want AI in my sex toys.

I just came up with another name for a good sex toy. You want like a manual crank vagina? Yeah, I'm an analog pleasure boy. Like an old phone? Yeah, let me do the work. God damn it. I don't want these AIs coming in here and reading my mind. And then they order groceries for me.

I don't want. I don't want my power blow talking to my refrigerator. I don't need the microwave knowing how I like to be touched because my blowjob machine you keep its mouth shut god damn it it's jibber-jabbing to everybody i don't want my blowjob machine to order things off of alexa i don't need alexa telling me i'm unattractive because the ai from the blowjob maker said I'm not a tender man. Can I say, in this time that Dan has been doing this hilarious guy,

I thought of a name for a necrophilia sex shop. Sex shop called The Sex Sense. The Sex Sense? Yeah, The Sex Sense. the sex sense the sex sense yeah the sex sense oh it's good it's not bad it's not bad jenny likes it is all i'm saying she's down with i tolerate it at best thank you thank you

the sex sense you'll know it when you feel it yeah that's right okay uh a store clerk attempted to stop jacob mcfarland j mac in the parking lot however mcfarland threatened to stab him prompting the kirk to let him go that is the right way to handle that situation we will write that off hey man don't do that go ahead yeah i feel like that was like hey man and the guy was like i'm gonna fucking stab you and he's like all, all right, cool. Very good. That's it. Very good. I get paid $9 an hour.

You do whatever you want. Happy Martin Luther King Day. Very good. I'll see you. Whatever you need, sir. Protect the pocket pussies at all costs. That's right. Happy President's Day. Goodbye.

Bye. The employee, cops noted, was able to identify McFarland because, ready? This is why it's dumb people town. The employee, cops noted, was able to identify McFarland because, ready? This is why it's dumb people town. Jacob McFarland had recently applied for a job at Adult World. Oh. Dude. Don't steal where you work and fuck.

I know. But here's the thing, Dan. So he recently applied but didn't get the job. How many black marks on your record do you have to have to not get a job at adult world i don't know i don't know the quote i don't know if it's shady crappy adult store i feel like it's high end so maybe high end they're like we don't like you we don't trust you and they were right they were a hundred percent right but maybe they turned him this is like crazy joker type stuff you know he's now going down this path. You're looking into the origin story of Jacob McFarlane. But this is the thing, Dan.

This is what we were talking about society, not to be the guy who's railing about where we are in this world, but you can't break up with anyone anymore. You can't not hire someone for a job anymore. You can't fire someone for a job anymore because for fear of retribution. And this is what happened. You can't roll a scooter over someone's foot at the supermarket without getting sued.

Right. These are just facts. Just facts. Thank you. You can't have your AI blowjob sitting out on the shelf without somebody taking it. I don't want. Sorry. I just think that.

Oh, I lost it. I lost the idea. Because you know what I imagined? An AI blowjob machine sitting on the shelf, a lonely, just like one of those lonely sex. Like if you've ever seen them, they're in the box and the woman's knees,

she's like holding her knees. Oh God. Yeah. And just alone on the shelf and like sad music playing in the back. Take me, take me now. Yeah. It's AI.

Maybe she was lonely and she, and only he could hear her. Maybe the AI told him to do it. Now, if I'm... This is my defense. AI has advanced so far that it brainwashed me and told me to take it. Or maybe it's a new thing and it moves to different parts of the shelf and it's

the MILF on the shelf. The MILF on the shelf is a great idea. That's a great idea. That should be your new merch. Sell that after the show. That's right. We'll sell that on the show. It's just a tiny woman that you just move around.

Well, you kids were bad, so the MILF drank all the wine again. I hope you're happy with yourself. Who moved her into the bathroom? Nobody. She moved herself. He had to throw up. I had to hold her hair back.

Okay. McFarland recently applied for a position in adult world and a police statement. The victim said that Jacob came into that's McFarland came into adult world and instantly walked to the back of the store and grabbed two sex toys. To me, that means he tried to get a job there because he wanted these toys. He didn't get the job, so he goes, fine, I've just got to go take them. I tried to do it your way. Got to do it my way.

We don't know that he didn't get the job. Maybe he got it and he's like, well, I'm entitled to this now because I work here. Employee discount. Employee discount. I'm going to ask you guys. Employee discount. Five fingered discount. That's right. Full fisted discount. Finger.

Okay, I'm going to ask you guys. You know it was a flashlight and you know it was an AI auto blow. What do you think is the total value of the stolen items? How much? Who makes the AI auto blow? Tora? gonna say 189.99 189.99 jay what do you think say like i i literally have no clue i'm gonna say 120 120 i think these things are right they They have to. And AI is expensive.

Like I would say it's, you know, there is AI. You want to change? Jenny wants to change hers. Okay. Here's the thing. No, no, no. Here's the thing because I'm thinking about this now. Now I'm getting to the sexism of sex toys. Female sex toys are insanely expensive.

They are. Because they look smooth and they're pink and they sing to you or some shit. Right. But like a dude's sex toy is like here's a nickel and like that's the ass ceiling it's a can that we turned into jay you're right it is the ass ceiling we got to break through it all right go ahead so maybe you know what i'm facing off of female sex toys that would be a female version for the male version this thing is like 28 bucks yeah 28 bucks i'm gonna go seven 79.99 okay so final guess is 79.99 from randy jason says 120 120

final guess jenny zagrina uh 28 what'd you say okay so 28 it's men but like i don't know i'm i'm it's over 100 i know that it's over a hundred. Okay. I'm going to give you a hundred and one. Okay. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to find out how much the AI auto blow and fleshlight would have

cost. If the guy didn't have a dream and a knife, and then, uh, we'll hear everything that Jenny is up to and we'll wrap out the rest of the story. Plus we'll tell you what we're doing too. We'll be right back. We'll do a little, we'll do a little Patreon with her too. And we'll find everything that Jenny is up to and we'll wrap out the rest of the story. Plus, we'll tell you what we're doing, too. We'll be right back. We'll do a little Patreon with her, too.

And we'll find out how Dan got her not kicked out of the High Plains Festival. There's an edging joke to be made here about you keeping us on edge. Keep us on edge. Thank you. There's the edging. And then we'll all be sounding off on it

after the break. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Jenny Zagrino with us. We're going to talk to you about how you can follow her and go see her do her stuff uh reminding you dan's jumping back on tour in march uh it's been a while since he's been out he's had to push this tour a few times if you're in an area anywhere near dan go see him it's good i'll be in the pacific northwest to start things out bend portland seattle salem

mount vernon and then uh east coast moon tower the south all that stuff's coming up probably about once a month i'll be doing a run uh every like four to six weeks or so maybe even less but go to daniel van kirk.com plus i have all those digital shows i do that are just good times with good people and for good causes have you join in yeah van kirk.com and there's so much fun to anybody who hasn't experienced it experience it and i will say this our townies who came out and saw us in dc we loved seeing you anybody who came up was like i'm a townie i love you guys you got to bring dan out here so it inspired me to say we got to do a live dumb people town out there and we're going to start to figure out where we can do those so great our dates are at super squires.com you can see us uh in uh cleveland next month at hilarities which will be awesome

in the next month we'll be at Moon Tower with Dan doing a live Don't People Town there. And then in May, we're going to be in Seattle at the Crocodile. I'm excited about all that stuff in our new show that's going to be coming out on UFC Fight Pass called The Nosebleeds, which is Cheap Seats Rebooted. We are so pumped. It's going to be such a fun show.

TV show. I love it so much. We'll give you more details of that when it drops. Jenny, how can people follow you? What can people see of yours and all that great stuff? Well, they can follow me on Jenny Zagrino. That's on Instagram and Twitter. TikTok is Jenny Zagrino Comedy because I was banned from TikTok for making fun of anti-maskers. You know, discrimination, hate speech, all that stuff. Got it. So you can follow me there

um i'm gonna be in uh i'm doing like a a little bit of a tour i'm going to grand rapids this weekend i don't know if this is gonna come out in time um it may not it may not but if you saw grand rapids you know what a great show it was great it was fucking dope um end of march i'll be um in uh i believe it's renton or i'll be like in the seattle area cool doing it doing some stuff so i'm taking a little bit of a break from the road like i did it hard i'm yeah i'm done all right well people will find you and and see find her on social media come to my house just come to your house follow her on social media this is a great go to great house this is a great follow on social media and one of our favorite comedic minds out there uh so now when we split daniel what was the story we were talking about we're talking about a guy with a knife and a dream to get a flashlight and

an auto blow ai machine you didn't say how much it all cost no that was our guess and so uh ran what was your guess my guess was a hundred oh my guess was 79.99 jason's was 120 and we put jenny's a grino at 101 dalmatians 101 dollars the total value of stolen items was is 345 dollars oh shit so I was close on the first one. Yeah. Ah. It's that AI. It's that fucking AI. I mean, anytime you start to add AI to a scenario, that's...

Right. AI is the machine, the AI autoblow, $250, $100 for the flashlight. Wow. $250. That's a lot for a flashlight. These are high-end. He got high-end end shit maybe this is a high-end sex store yeah or this is these are the two most high-end items and he's like i'm gonna

this is what i'm gonna do i'm gonna steal these because they're big yeah officers quickly located mcfarland at a hotel just steps away from adult world guys he couldn't wait he couldn't wait he walked out of adult world, went to the nearest hotel and self-loved. He was at the stay bridge suites. If anybody wants to add that to the dumb people town walking tour, it's a 100 block of garden golf Boulevard outside

Philly. Sounds good. It was found right by the four seasons landscaping company. There you go. It was found carrying a knife and a backpack with a lock on it already i don't trust this is just a master lock hanging off the back i don't know but cops had to apply for a search warrant for the backpack which which apparently held the masturbators subsequently he was taken into custody at which point they discovered he did have a knife on his

person like we said as a result of the incident mFarland has been charged with one count of felony robbery along with misdemeanor accounts of retail theft, receiving stolen property. Is it receiving if you gave it to yourself and making terroristic threats, which also is not good at all. He's currently in custody of the Montgomery County Correctional Facility in lieu of a

$5,000 cash bond. As we get out of this episode with the dear Jennyenny zagrino they threw the book at this dude for yeah yeah look at it and then he used it to masturbate i know you don't you don't want those paper cuts no all right i will ask you guys how old is jacob mcfarland wow old jacob mcfarland that's a 28-year-old name. I'm going to say that. You think so? 28. Okay. 28. Oh, Jackie Mack.

63. 63 years old. 63 years old. Oh, wow. He needs that AI because she's gone and ain't coming back. No matter what his age is. I think he's 43. 43. Yeah. 43 from Randy J. What'd you say? 63. And what'd you say, Jenny?

28. One of you say? 63. And what'd you say, Jenny? 28. One of you is only one year off. So all of you get to either go up a year or down a year. Jenny, do you want to go up or down? 27. Wow. 27.

I'm going to go down 42, 42, 62. I'm going to go down 42 just to honor Jackie Robinson. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Okay. We'll leave it here. 42 62 I'm going to go down 42 just to honor Jackie Robinson thank you thank you okay okay we'll leave it here

follow at Jenny Zagrino at Jenny Zagrino comedy on TikTok everything else Twitter and Instagram go see her live

she's a dear friend of mine and an even better comic and she's great and if you're a member of our Patreon if you're a member of the Patreon you're going to get

I'm a great comic shitty friend right well I'm glad she's not. And if you're a member of our Patreon, you're going to get to hear her fun story. I'm a great comic shitty friend. Right. Well, I'm glad she's not going to be your friend. If you go see her, she's going to be your comic. And do not go to her house. See the Sklars, and then see me, and then see us together if you really care in Austin for Moon Tower.

I will tell you guys, Jacob McFarlane is 29 years old. Oh yes look at this guy shit look at that trash can you've heard of little dicky he's tiny dicky oh look at this guy this guy i think i did a comedy zone with that kid thank you i think i did an auto zone with that kid. Thank you. Oh, I believe it. I think I did an auto zone with that guy. He knows where the good gas station is. Right.

You said comedy zone. I said auto zone. And then what is it? Like the masturbating zone or what's the thing? The erogenous zone. We've all done the erogenous zone with Jacob and Barlin. Folks. Well, look at this guy.

This guy is definitely like if he walked in even if he didn't apply there you'd just be like he's stealing something he's stealing something yeah for sure surprised he didn't get the job so surprised he didn't get the job uh all right that's it friends there you go uh guys love it so much again to our uh to our patreon fans we're about to do a great story with uh jenny and uh dan it involves both of them i love it so much and uh for all of you all, thanks for supporting us. We love you.

And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town.