Dumb People Town - Jeremiah Watkins - All The Way Up

Episode Date: May 3, 2022

This week Jeremiah Watkins comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a classic break in at the zoo. The second story is about the worst possible tattoo. The final story is another tale of something stuck in someone.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Watkins Population Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. The Watkins. Although Jeremiah is a good friend of ours.

So I think Jeremiah Watkins sounds like a name that Arsenio Hall's character as the old preacher guy would be able to say, Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Yes. Yes.

And so it's so good to have you here, sir. Yeah. How are you? I know we just were crushing it in Moontower. We all had fun. We all had so fun. You were so good. You did our show Tag It, and we got to give you a tag,

which felt wonderful. I'm going to use multiple of them. Great. Yeah, I'm going to try them out this week, and I think they're all going to work. Oh, man a tag which felt wonderful. I'm going to use multiple of them. Great. Yeah, I'm going to try them out this week and I think they're all going to work. Oh, I know they will.

I'm stoked. Great stuff. Such a treat. Always fun to just be on stage with your friends being like, I love this bit. Here's three more tags

that we were thinking about and you're like, okay. I want to make it even better. It's like a gift bag. It's like the Oscars gift bag but instead of like a Black Market Baby

which I think they're giving away Black Market Babies at the Oscars. That's also a great band. That's a great band. I saw them in Austin. South by Southwest? I saw them at North by Southwest. It's a difference. And they were playing at the

South by Southwest gifting suite. They weren't really at the festival. They were only playing at Black Market Baby. Kanye West's daughter is actually playing there as well. Oh, now? Northwest. South by Southwest. Northwest by Southwest. She's presenting it. daughter is actually playing there as well oh now Northwest South by South Northwest Northwest by South

by Southwest she's presenting it presenting I love it so the world's getting dumber Jeremiah we know this you've done this show before

you understand how it works and for those who don't know great to be back in studio with you too I know the last couple times we've done it was Zoom baby so we're here with you

we'll get into all the wonderful things you're doing here's how you do it you send a story. You tweet at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag Dumb People Town, and then he knows who sent what when. Sure. So let's jump into a story.

This was sent in by J. Chris Mueller, at J. Chris Mueller. I like it. J. Chris Mueller to me sounds like the- Sounds like an airport steakhouse. Nope. Airport steakhouse or your hometown jeweler. Sure. J. Chris Mueller.

J. Chris Mueller. I went to J. Chris Mueller. J. Chris Mueller. Your hometown jeweler. The shine never fades at J. Chris Mueller. Relationships may fade. Your hometown. But the diamond on your ring won't.

Love comes and goes, but diamonds are here now. It's forever, Jay. Jay Chris Mueller. Legally, I can't say forever. I can't say forever. Both of you have died. You and I both know

that it's not going to be forever. Jay Chris Mueller, your hometown jeweler. We put the Jew in jeweler. Jay Chris Mueller, your hometown jeweler we put the jew and jeweler at jay chris your hometown jeweler i hope somebody that loves jay chris muller muller listens to this show and they pull that as that's the text notification when he texts them yeah it's just jay chris muller your hometown jeweler New location. All right.

Always a new location. Every commercial is a new location. Location pending. TBD. Okay, ready for this? Yes. Drake is Mueller. Set this in.

JCM if you're dirty. It comes from boston.cbslocal.com. Okay. A Worcester. Worcester. Worcester. I learned how toester I learned how these perhaps were are these werechester but anyway whatever don't you dare don't you they will get so mad they don't get mad Boston people don't get mad when you mispronounce or disrespect their sports teams

oh yeah how can you get mad when you already were that's right a Worcester man was arrested Monday morning after allegedly breaking into the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston and attempting to gain access to the tiger enclosure. No. It happened around 9 a.m. This is what Tiger King does to people. Am I right? This is a direct blame it all on freaking Tiger King.

It is wild to me. Doc Antle. People who go into any sort of animal enclosure at all, even if they're regarded as harmless animals. No. What? The video of the guy who climbs into the monkey thing and the monkey takes his swipe. animal enclosure at all even if they're regarded as harmless animals like no what do you the video of the guy who climbs into the monkey thing and the monkey takes a swipe and i'm like that you

guys are good you've heard me break it down forever it's a bit i've never got to work on stage but yes the audacity of zoos that we're like oh i know it was born in a specific part of this world where it's supposed to live we want one yeah. You know what we want it for? The LSU game. Like the idea that we take these animals and then we're like, we just put it here so you can look at it. You don't understand. Tallahassee needs a penguin. And then people go, yeah, that gas station needs a camel.

Then people go one step further and go, I'm going to go in there. Yeah. That audacity where they're like, oh, I'll go in there. To quote Obama, it's the audacity of hope. Too much. It really is. Misguided hope is a dangerous thing. Hoping to get that selfie.

Standing outside his parents' Worcester home. I almost did it. With a violin in hand. Did you see that one coming? No. Violin. Definitely not. Cello, maybe.

Violin. That is actually not a violin. That is the world's tiniest cello. Standing outside of his parents' Worcester home with a violin in hand, the suspect, Matthew Abraham, said police have it all wrong. I bet he's told that to girlfriends, former employers, his own parents, a Greyhound bus driver. Sure.

The amount of people he's said, you got it all wrong. How many places has he played this violin outside of trying to get girlfriends back? I love that you assume he can play. I think it's his version of a coffee table bus. So he's playing the violin and holding a radio. And he's actually not

really playing the violin. There's violin music coming out of the boot box. No, it's his version of Bon Jovi. And I'm a tiger boy. I got a four string on my chin. And I'm in middle school. And I don't let me in. The enclosure.

You want to know how somebody's a pro for getting, like they've made it their profession to getting yelled at for things they've done wrong? For sure. He said police have it all wrong. Quote, the gate shouldn't have been open. Nope. I walked in.

No. This is on you. The gate shouldn't have been open. You know this is how we got railings in certain parts of the Grand Canyon. Yeah. Because the fact that a huge fucking hole was there wasn't enough for people. Eventually they were like, you guys should put railings here. We should?

We should so that you don't get- People will push the limits of every- There are railings at Niagara Falls. You've been up to Niagara Falls. Why do you need a railing? No, but thanks for checking my status. Wow. Well, you've spoken about-

You've been up. You've been in the Himalayas, right, Jeremiah? Jeremiah, you've had several imaginary girlfriends from the Niagara Falls area. Early in his life. Canada side. You locked it down. You got a real one. You know that there's tons of railing there, and yet still people go over the side.

Climb over the railing. Right. The railing is there to be like, don't get. So the gate is there for you. The gate shouldn't have been open. I walked in. Was it wide open or was it just you turn the knob and it's open? Real thing that happened on a trip that my sister and her husband won through work.

They went to Cancun and one of those gates didn't have a lock on it. And they leaned up against it and my sister fell off of a small cliff area. No way. What? Yeah, how far down? She got, like, her face was messed up for weeks. Don't trust the gate. Yeah, it literally swung wide open.

It had one of those dummy locks on it. It had a dummy lock, and then it just went, they just both toppled over. A small cliff. Yeah. No. cliff. Yeah. No. Yep. No. There's no need. Do you ever think about this when you're in a high rise or a hotel and you find yourself leaning against the window and you

think, oh, if this seal breaks, there's no way I won't be able to come back. No, you can't come back. All my weights. No athleticism will ever help. It won't matter. It won't matter. Can't do it. Right. Don't trust the gate, guys. Yeah. Okay. He says, the gate shouldn't have been open. I walked in. Quote, I didn't do it. Right. Don't trust the gate, guys. Yeah. Okay. He says, the gate shouldn't have been open.

I walked in. Quote, I didn't mean to harm anybody. I wasn't looking to harm the tiger. I wasn't looking to harm myself neither. None of those are what's going to go wrong. You aren't going to harm the tiger. No. And you aren't even going to harm yourself.

The tiger is going to harm you. You idiot. Tiger's going to take. Tiger's like, oh, we're eating now? Yeah. That's what the tiger thinks. Humans, they're great. Lunch we're eating now? Yeah. That's what the tiger thinks. Humans, they're great. Lunch?

Meat. Already? Yeah. Tiger's looking at his Apple Watch and he's like, I thought we already... Abraham was arrested Monday morning at the Franklin Park Zoo after state police say he broke in, scaled several fences, and ignored warning signs trying to get into the tiger enclosure before zoo hours. But Abraham insists he thought the place was open because the gate was

and didn't realize he was in a restricted area until security confronted him. You know how when you go to the zoo and it's open, you have to scale a bunch of gates to get into it? Kids, come on. Climb up. You want it to be some version of an obstacle course, Tough Mudder type deal. Throw the stroller over.

I don't see any other people. I need a strong parkour vibe before I get into anywhere I want to go. I'm going to parkour before I see flamingos. So he says, I didn't realize I was in a restricted area until security guard came in front of him. About the same time, he locked eyes with the beast. Which is also... Locked eyes with the beast. Which also...

Locked eyes with the beast is like... Quote. This is a quote. That's every time I go to the urinal. Folks, what are you doing here? Locked eye with the beast. Locked eye with the beast. When the tiger growled at me, I thought I could be in danger. However...

I thought I could be in danger. However, there was a fence between me and the tiger so i wasn't actually in the enclave with the tiger um i got forced after a certain point to keep watching tiger king early in the pandemic so you watch the doc antle no the one with us that we watch together and do you remember the scene where those tigers for like three seconds decide that they're going to grab his leg? Yes. Grab his leg. Yeah.

I give a shot of a bitch. What are you doing? That's perfect. Very good. But yeah, you had a fun run. You tricked some people, if I remember correctly. Yes, I did. What did you do?

What did you do? During the pandemic, I was doing this app a lot with Jeff Ross where basically it's emojis that are talking on this app. It's stereo. You did it as him. I did it as him and Jeff had already been having some semi-famous people

do it with him. Jeff Ross is the type of guy that could have this conversation. He has weird connections to different people. He's done comedy in prisons. do it with him. And Jeff Ross is the type of guy that could have this conversation. That would maybe know him. Yeah. He has weird connections to different people. He's done comedy in prisons. Yeah. He really has. He really has.

That's a full special in there. So we did it where we fooled so many people that TMZ called Jeff. Of course they did. And they wanted the exclusive. They're like, I can't believe this is happening. You're talking to him, the Tiger King? Yeah. And he said he panicked in the

moment and said that it was me that was a comedian doing it, and he said he wished that he would have taken a beat and just would have let them run the story. Oh my god. Why are we protecting TMZ? Exactly, exactly. That's how he felt. So what were people asking you in that?

Just everything about being in prison and everything. What were you saying? There's? Just everything about being in prison and everything. What were you saying? You know, there's a lot of good people in here. I've got a boyfriend right now. It's kind of a fantasy of people. Is it really, really bad for me to be in a cage? I've put in a lot of tigers in a cage for a long time.

It's so good. It's kind of Trumpy in a weird way too. You know what I mean? So, they have somewhat similar, similar, similar cadence.

Just a little bit here and there. So he locks eyes with the beast. He says, when the tiger growled at me, I thought I could be in danger. However,

there was a fence between me and the tiger so I wasn't actually in the enclave. Bitch, you don't know what the word enclave means. Yeah, exactly.

Take that word out of your mouth. You want to see what this guy looks like? He looks like a donut at Dunkin' Donuts. Can I get the enclave? He looks like Corey Feldman in Stand By Me a little bit. You can see the top of his violin. This is where I hate TikTok more than anything in the world. I watched one Corey Feldman singing video as a joke,

and now it won't stop. That's all you get. That's all you get. Oh, the algorithm. It sticks to whatever you see. Can you watch one video once? Yeah. Yeah.

I love TikTok. I love it. Abraham says the only time- Elon Musk is going to buy it. The only time he hopped fences was trying to get out after security scolded him. But he says the one thing police have right is that he is fascinated by tigers, perhaps to a somewhat strange degree. You think?

You can't be fascinated about violins and tigers. You got to choose one, man. Violins and tigers and bears. Oh, my. Clarinets. Oh, my. Clarinets. This is where it takes a weird turn.

This is where it takes a weird turn? In fact- This is where it takes a weird turn. Well, like to another level, another turn. In fact, he admits he went to the zoo with the goal of staring into the tiger's soul and achieving some mystical experience. Okay. Isn't it with any beast that's in the jungle, you're not supposed to make eye contact with them? No.

Right? Gorillas, lions, tigers, anything that's like wild like that. Mountain lion. Bear. Jewish women. Coyote. Yeah. Yeah. No, you should not be. Yeah, you're just Jason.

Jason, we got you. So then he says, achieving some mystical experience. That's the other thing, too. When people take just animals and get into some sort of like mystical, it's an animal. Quote, I was just walking around trying to see if I made eye contact with this tiger, what's going to happen to me? You're going to shit your pants.

He is going to eat you. He's hungry and you're a dinner. You're not going to reach some level of clarity because you looked at a tiger. What answers was he hoping to find? You guys have seen Ghost in the Darkness, right? No. The old Michael Douglas movie about those two lions.

And I haven't been to Niagara Falls. All right. Stop harping on it. It was... Michael Douglas and who? Val Kilmer, I think. Ghost in the... It's a true story about these lions that deliberately attacked people in Africa.

I mean, they killed like 50, 60, 70 people or something like that. So this... I can't remember if it's that deal where it's illegal for them to hunt lions. So they bring in these other people to try and like kill these two lions. They eventually do. I know what movie you're talking about. Yes. They eventually do. The lions are in the – I want to say Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.

They're in Chicago. Okay. And the whole – there is a mystical thing around them that if you go there and stare into their eyes, like you see pure evil. Into these lions? Yes. I mean, you can do the same with the Detroit lions as well.

They can't win anything, am I right? The Worcester State Biology major is charged with trespassing and disturbing the species. The piece? Disturbing the species. Char charges he hoped will be tossed out hopefully it will be forgiven as a must under a misunderstanding because that's what i'm misunderstanding i know but listen to his logic hopefully it will be forgiven as a misunderstanding because that's what i believe it was oh okay i'm gonna believe my own bullshit and i hope that the state believes that too that's a good lawyer right there look i tripped tripped. I fell into my car.

It drove to the zoo. That's not my fault. My arm fell and punched her in the face. I had no choice. Do you think if this guy was able to listen to the audio from Grizzly Man, he would not go do this? No. It would inspire him.

It would inspire him to want to do it even more. That sounds fun yeah go why don't you have lunch like he should have to be forced to have lunch with verner herzog like i think that's what another thing it does to idiots with zoos where they're like look how chill they are like they're bored out of their minds yeah they don't have anywhere to go some of them are tranquilized like it's this is not the right like zoos are like stand-up comedy people watch it and they're like i could do. I could get in there. I could get in there.

Have you seen the TikToks where people are on safari and a cheetah gets on the truck when they're inside? The most horrifying TikTok. Those people are like, holy shit. And then they can hear it, just the purring of it, like just its natural. Yes. And they're like, oh, yeah, this is so different. Oh, I got it. Yeah. No, Dan, I like, oh, yeah, this is so different. Oh, I got it. Yeah.

No, Dan, I'm sure you've seen this video. The guy who's on a hike. We just do this for 20 minutes. He's on a hike, and the mountain lion starts walking behind him. You know that video. He's like, get out of here, bitch ass. Get your ass out of here. And he's walking away, and it's terrifying.

Sure. Because he's like, if I run, I'm dead. Yep. But he just kept walking away from it and talking to it. And eventually, for miles, or for a long time up this hill, because he's like if I run I'm dead but he just kept walking away from it and talking to it and eventually for miles or for a long time up this hill it just kept walking like he doesn't have anything he's like I'm gonna die

I know I'm gonna die and then eventually just the he's recording it so he's like hang on I just want to put this on cinematic let me just get a few more followers let me hit.5 I mean I wanted followers but I didn't want them like this. One follower he could do without.

Very good. Finally tonight, we have a man who has one follower he could do without. Take it, Brand. In an effort to get more followers on social media. A TikTok star turned hospitalized is our top story tonight. He wants followers of a different spice. All right, so this. Forget tweets.

We've got eats tonight. So this guy, he wanted to delete the tweet, but he was the one who got deleted. He tried to be a cool cat. Next up on InstaHam, we've got, he tried to be a cool cat, but things got a little crazy. All right, so he's walking the hill, and eventually this mountain lion, and it's like full size, just turns and runs away. And he's like, it's like watching someone who's about to get killed. It's crazy. It's so intense.

What are they yelling alone when they think there's a bear? Is it just bear? Bear. No, they yell a lot. Like, bang, bear. It's like all you can do. Yeah. All right.

That's story number one. Wow. Story number one. Down in the books. When we come back, we'll find out what Jeremiah has going on. And later, our Patreon fans, we know this because we talked about this story with him. This is a reason to join our Patreon. Just this story.

His story about his dad and what his dad did to his dad's car is just- And what didn't get to happen. We'll talk about that. We'll get all that in the Patreon. All that is coming up. Stay with us. Jeremiah Watkins on WTM. Stick around. Make a sound. Jeremiah Watkins on WLT. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more at WLT. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into Jeremiah's awesome stuff, Daniel Van Kirk. It's me. Go to DanielVanKirk.com because this week, even tonight, I am going to be in San Antonio. Or maybe it's tomorrow night.

I'm sorry. Tonight, it's Andrew Youngblood's birthday. But Wednesday, tomorrow night, I am going to be in San Antonio. They call it San Antone. I'll be in San Antone. That is how they say it in a George Stray song. I'll be there on the 4th. And then Friday and Saturday, I'm going to be in New Orleans and Mobile.

And then also, you've heard me talking about it go to my social media at Daniel Van Kirk if you want to get some of my family's cookies all the cookies you know that's probably the most I'm going to say about it because I think they're wonderful but everything else is at Daniel Van Kirk dot com yep and we're going to be we announced our date in

Portland we're at helium for one night on Thursday so much fun Thursday May 12th so let's sell this thing out now. Let's do it, guys. We haven't been to Portland in a few years. So excited to bring you that hour of comedy. Amy Sklar will be there. So that's another reason to show up and say hi to her.

So enjoy that. And then the next two nights we'll be in Seattle at the Crocodile. Very excited to perform there. I heard that place is amazing. Totally redone. So we'll be there on Friday and Saturday, the 13th and 14th. Supersklars.com. I'll throw up the ticket link for the Portland thing. Hit redone. So we'll be there on Friday and Saturday, the 13th and 14th. Superscleros.com. I'll throw up the ticket link for the Portland thing.

Hit our Patreon. We got new episodes of Cheaper Seats every month. Scleros Brothers. And join this Patreon. But Jeremiah, what's shaking for you? How can people follow you? I have a new series on my YouTube page called Stand Up On The Spot. It's a show.

Great show you do. Yeah. It's a show where comics go up with no prepared material ask the audience for suggestions and create stand-up on the spot and this one that we just dropped uh has ryan sickler annie letterman eric griffin and myself at the comedy store we just filmed one at moon tower so it's a new series that i got coming out and then uh jeremiah wonders scissor bros and i'm at jeremiah stand up on social media may 4th I'll be headlining the La Jolla Comedy Store. Yes! Go see him.

His stand-up is so good and continues to just grow and get better. You are like a human cartoon on stage. It's my favorite thing. With great jokes. Well, no, I mean, it's, you kind of, it's funny. Jay and I can relate to your stand-up so much because I would describe, you know,

different people are different things. Dan is one of the best storytellers we've ever seen on stage. It just immediately became, like, came out the gates is that jeremiah you're more like us and that your act outs of your premises are just fantastic you're so committed to all the act outs that like the premise is funny and there are jokes within that this is what we do and then like we act out a scene or whatever it is but your act outs are fantastic thank you you're welcome wonderful thank you all right let's jump into another fact that's some dumb ready yes scene or whatever it is, but your act-outs are fantastic. Thank you. You're welcome. Wonderful.

Thank you. All right, let's jump into another story. Let's act out some dumb. Ready? Yep. Sent in by Pat McMorrin, at McMopat. McMo. I know. Headline is this, mom gets ruler tattoo to measure penis sizes.

What? Mom gets ruler tattoo. Oh, yeah, because you know how you're just always losing that ruler, the penis ruler. My thing is, is as she gets older, That thing's gonna turn into a protractor. Come on.

Fuck. It just becomes a little bit more difficult for her male friends the older she gets. The more sag, more stretches, the more the inches

turn into different They're a little bit longer. Yeah, it's a different unit of measurement. Hey, why is that a yardstick? This comes from the post. NYpost.com.

This British woman believes size matters and she's got a tattoo to prove it. Tracy Kiss stunned family and friends. With a kiss! I know. Tracy Kiss stunned family and friends after having a ruler tattoo inked down her forearm so she could accurately measure the length

of her prospective partner's penises. By the way, she can just tell people, I like rulers, and that's it. How you use the ruler tattoo has nothing to do with it. Right. I like science. I'm a seamstress. Okay, I believe in science.

You know how there are people who think the Earth is flat? This woman, you give her an inch, she takes a mile. Sebastian, Sebastian. You seen this? Have you seen this ruler lady? You seen this ruler lady? She's got a ruler. She's got a ruler. I love Sebastian so much. I do this in

pure love of the guy. Once you start doing this, Kate, this is a different... How many of my father walked in and saw this woman? He said, what do you got a calculator on your head? That's pretty good, right? That's not it. That's not it.

I liked it. Tracy Kiss stuns everybody, right? Oh, here's my thing. Everybody knows. We're all sex lovers. Go for it. Go do it. Do it.

Enjoy it. Hopefully you have guys that are like, line me up with that form. Let's have fun tonight. Let's do it. Come on. I mean, but like, let's say you get someone all the way into the spot where you're measuring their penis. That is not the usual all the way into the spot you want to get into. You must be this tall to ride this ride.

Yeah, but you get to the measuring part, and then at that point, you're going to be like, nah, nah. Maybe she just wants to know. Yeah, but like how she's like a little accountant but you gotta get that person hard you gotta get that person to to the point to the point at which some people are growers and they aren't showers and that's not a fair or they're neither we don't need to talk about it thank you jeez does she is she mother is she measuring with the sex-minded mom. Ready for this weird turn? Of course you can measure with.

Just make him turn. Ready for this? The sex-minded mom, who has a 14-year-old daughter. Why are we injecting this into the story? I have a 14-year-old daughter. Told Jam Press that she's looking for a well-endowed boyfriend and her new body art, quote, is a practical design and a tool to enhance my life.

It's a tool, all right. Well, she's looking for a good one. The tattoo does not include any numbers. Instead, it features pretty dots, that's in quotes, that are spaced an inch apart up Kiss's arm. So no one would even know it's a ruler. Yeah, you don't even have to tell people it's a ruler. There's just teardrops of all the men who I've had sex with over the years.

And all the men she's killed in prison. No, those are teardrops on her face. As it doesn't have numbers, it's actually rather discreet and allows me to innocently read. Well, it's not discreet anymore. It's a whole foot. Where is this, in the mirror? No, this is in England, so these are centimeters. Centimeters.

No, they're an extra part. There's so many more dots. No, England is not. As it doesn't? England is the metric system. No, they're not. I think England, like us, is not the metric system. Is that real?

I don't know. I think so. I plead only ignorance on this. Maybe they are metric. I think we need a fact check on that one. Let's check the facts on that one. Can we check the facts on that one? I'm in Google.

Am I showing that I'm dumb? The fact that it's called a pint. Getting Google-y. The fact that it's called a pint is that they're on the metric system, right? Maybe. No, that isn't the same thing at all. In Google right now. Eng yes just let me know verbally it is guys i don't want to put your penis on my floor i just put germex on it and like uh

we just met get out your. Just having a laugh. As it doesn't have numbers, this is a quote, it's actually rather discreet and allows me to innocently, you're going to have to do this visual math in your mind. Innocently. Allows me to innocently reach up to the man's stomach and... Punch him hard, like hard in the stomach. Stroke him. Reach up to stroke a man's stomach whilst, fancy,

taking a glance at my arm alongside it to count the inches. To then decide whether you want to move forward or not. So you've got to be, hold on. If the kids are in the car, I'm going to ask a question. Could you put the earmuffs on the blokes in the car with you? Put the muffs on them, eh? So she's going down on the guy, and then he's laying on his back, and so she wants to put her forearm up on his stomach

and line it up next to his shaft. I hate to be an old baseball scout, but can't you just use the eye test on this one? I'm looking at it more like the man is standing straight up, right? Why is she going up to the stomach then? No, it's actually – Oh, she's going straight. I think she's going straight down.

She's palming the stomach. So she's palming the stomach then? No, it's actually... Oh, she's going straight. I think she's going straight down. She's palming the stomach. So she's palming the... No, no, no. You're doing a reach around when you're palming the stomach. She's going up underneath. No, like this. No, she's standing. She's standing on it on a side.

She's standing over. And she's putting the hand over the junk where the forearm is running up the belly button. What's she grabbing? She's stroking a man's stomach. She's grabbing the crotch. She's scratching the sausage, the blankets of the folds of the skin What if he has the tattoo And it's a tape measure

So it goes out And then it goes in That's what we call trouble in paradise Not that hard though is it No In it Not something you really need though In it, in it, in it. Not something you really need though, isn't it? In it, in it.

No. Not really. I once heard someone say the British trend of asking a question after a thing is a way of just telling you you're a fucking idiot. Shut up. In it. Like no matter what it is. More of a software store than a hardware store.

In it, in it, in it. It's something people may not think about when shaking my hand and won't look out of place in the nursing home when I'm 90, but will always put a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye. I can already tell by how you live you ain't making a 90. I don't know how to say this. I've got big walls. I need to feel them.

She's having fun sex. I've got to put a lot of stuff in there. Well, it's not all about size, says the woman who's measuring everybody's penis. It's not all about size. It's not all about size. It's what you do with it and how your partner makes you feel when building an intimate connection. But for those who enjoy finer details, it's

really the cherry on the cake for me. Sunday? By the way, yeah, who's putting like cherries on cakes? Cherry on the cake right there. I can't remember once in my life having a cake with cherries on the cake right there i don't i can't remember once in my life having a cake with cherries on the birthday candles on the cake they are are the cherries on the cake they're not i do feel like in tom and jerry whenever you see that white rounded cake layered cake there is a cherry on it with the cherry on top it feels like it's not a cherry on top all

right no how wide was that cherry? Why don't you bring your arm over? Look at that. Kiss's teenage daughter initially believed the tattoo was designed to measure bananas and cucumbers. It might be. In a sense, it is. It still might be.

She's still doing that? That's how I measure my groceries. I go to the store. Bananas. Before she finally clocked with the erotic issue. Cucumbers and dildos. That's what she thought it was. That's what she thought it was.

Quote, my daughter is at an age now where she realizes my cheeky sense of humor and picks up on my adult jokes, which she had missed before. All right, I'm going to show you guys a picture of the tattoo. You're also going to see a picture of her holding half a cucumber up to her forearm, and her daughter is in the background.

Thinking it's hilarious. This is the definition of nonplussed. Yeah, she doesn't care. Well, you're saying she's a 14-year-old. Okay, I get that. She hates her mom. Oh, my God. You know what the daughter is saying?

I didn't sign up to parent my own mom. Why is this relationship reversed? The daughter's like, can you please just go to bed at a reasonable hour? Kiss says the tattoo has other practical uses and recently came in handy while helping her mom pick out a new garden pot. My mom remarked. That she was going to then stick in her vagina. Which I felt. My mom remarked at how handy.

It's a garden hoe. It was to have a tattoo that could be used as a ruler. I want to get all of it in there. I smiled her and said, what a coincidence. Her new pots look lovely. She chuckled. there i smiled her and said what a coincidence her new pots look lovely she chuckled kissa has more than 70 other tattoos and may soon add extra inking so that she can measure a man's girth you called it i think it was jason who said that i said look this is when you realize

england has rednecks too there you go oh sure a little bit i'm rather tempted to add some dots from my thumb to my index finger to measure the girth at the same time but I'm not sure if it would be too obvious what I'm doing. If you have an excited, enthusiastically consenting man and you are doing the same and you wrap your hand around it, he's not going to care what you're doing.

He's not going to be like, why'd you hold your hand like that? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Are you you doing with that thing? Wait one second. One blimey second. Are you measuring the girl from my penis? Why do we have to lie, son? What are you doing with that thing?

One second. What are you doing with that thing? What are you doing with that thing? I'm really wondering. You mean my thumb? Was it good enough? I'd rather... You know what she should do her roller with?

She should do it like Mary Poppins. He has another question. You had another question? I'm just not so sure what you're doing. You're squeezing it. Yeah, trying to measure it. She's trying to measure it. She's trying to measure what?

The girth of your penis. What is she... Is this for tax purposes? What's this for? You know the taxes in England are terrible. They're trying to take a little bit off the tip, the top. Quote, I'm rather tempted to add some of these dots to measure the girth at the same time.

I'm not sure it'd be obvious. I guess it all depends on where somebody is looking when I whip it out to count. I thought she had coordinated cancer on her arm. Oh, no. She's not coordinated cancer. I thought it was coordinated. It is an odd. It is.

It is odd. It's just weird. It's just weird. Good for her. I mean, if she's going elbow to pinky with a guy, that's too much tuna. She told me two in the ink, one in the stink. That's what she told me. That's what she told me.

She did not tell you that. She did not tell you that. That's story number two, my friend. That's weird, isn't it? Give us a little taste of what we can hear in story number three. Oh, doctors have to remove something from somebody. And I'm so excited because one of our favorites of all time, Shanks, will be joining us for that third segment.

And our Patreon fans, guess what? We get a little taste of a great story of Jeremiah's dad. It's all coming up. It's the dumbest thing I've heard in a long time. Good times. It's Dumb People Town with Jeremiah Watkins. Stick around, ain't it? All right.

Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town with Jeremiah Watkins Stick around ain't it Alright Dan Okay here we go We got Shanks in the house Dan we got Shanks in the house That's right Shanks is rolled up in here Put those cans on Shanks Yeah It doesn't matter which L is on the R

Yeah no you gotta put the L on the left here Or the R on the R However it works for you Okay hell yeah Oh yeah He's all grilled up Nice to see you It doesn't matter which L is on the R. Yeah, no, you got to put the L on the left here and the R on the right. However it works for you. Okay, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. He's all grilled up. It's good to see you. In the building.

Yeah, it's good to see you. In the building. Don't do that too much. No, that's a lot. All right, so what's going on, man? How are you? How's life? Yo, things be good, man.

Really? Yeah. You're out in the world. You're on parole. I'm out. Things be popping. Oh, ladies. Dropping the zip.

Yo, what's going on? Did you just get hot in here? It's a good fit you got, by the way, dude. You're consistent I'm out. Things be popping. Oh, ladies. Dropping the zip. Yo, what's going on? Did it just get hot in here? It's a good fit you got, by the way, dude. You're consistent with that fit. Thank you. I pre-shrink it and wash it on cold. Smart. Wash it on cold because you don't wait.

That's smart. Now, question. Do you roll up to Chipotle just wearing this? Because I know you love Chipotle. Where the hell you think I got this grill? Thank you, Chipotle. Yeah. Thank you.

Dan likes to steal the little hot sauces from Chipotle. Take as much as you need. How do you feel about that? Steal hot sauce from Chipotle? Yeah. It's not stealing. I mean, yeah, once you purchase something, basically you are allowed to anything. I had sex with-

You think Shanks was going to side with you? I had sex with, you can't just leave that out there in the world. The manager's girlfriend because she was working a shift and I was like, can I have that too? Well, hey, if she consented. Oh, she was like, hell yeah. See? So she wanted it. You can't resist the lure of Shanks. You're a very mandated person. Alright, Daniel, we got one more story.

Shanks, I'm so happy you're here because we got another story. A story about dumb people doing dumb things. And I know you put them in their place, Shanks. It was sent in by Megan Laskowski at SoyMates the number four EVA. Soymates forever. Do you take soy milk with your coffee, Shanks? I ain't no bitch.

Okay. Okay. But I do like goat milk. You do like goat milk. What is your order? Goat milk makes everything better. What's your order? You go to order.

I like frappuccinos a lot. Okay. Nice. I like the double shot of espresso just in case I want my eyes to straighten out. Did you ever know that Kevin Garnett used to do a thing where he would drink coffee and Gatorade together? What? Man, that boy crazy.

But he also an All-Star MVP, so we must respect him. You got to respect him. And I would say this to him, anything's possible. There you are. And he was great in the Adam Sandler. Uncut Gems? Yes. Yeah, I like that.

I was like, oh, you act too okay okay okay I see you okay I see with my good eye you multifaceted I like that I like that's a fancy house it's a fancy house multifaceted I forgive me for in advance if I'm miss I'm mistakenly presuming this about you but this has to do with a bit of smuggling things, hiding things.

You smuggled some stuff. From town to town, yeah. There you go. He's been across a border or two. He's been across a border or two. I've snuck between some bars and stuff. Okay, all right. Here's the headline.

Doctors surgically remove glass tumbler. Ooh. A whole tumbler. In an extremely unusual case, doctors surgically removed an entire glass tumbler from a man's colon who was suffering from acute constipation and abdominal pain. No shit.

You know he didn't need it. Well, no shit is right. Literally. Okay. You know what I'm saying. That is sad. He loves it. Oh, man.

These scars and I would be vibing. You know what I'm saying. That is sexy. He loves it. Oh, man, these scars and I would be vibing. You know what I'm saying? And Dan. He had a glass, like something you would put a Harvey Wallbanger in. Yeah, you just pour a drink in that, and he had it all the way up, all the way up. All the way up. All the way up. All the way up.

All the way up. All the way up. Nothing can stop this container. It's all the way up. That's good. That's right. Because you've probably known people, not I'm saying you, but you've known people who have hidden things wherever they can

to get them into certain areas of the place. Yeah, I call that my kangaroo pouch. So let me say this. Good day, mate. That's a different definition of a high ball. Well, that's a high ball right there. You are my favorite marsupial. Thanks, dog.

You're cute too, man. I'm saying that I understand sticking a glass all the way up your anus, but then... Well, he hasn't said that. Oh, where it is. Well, I'm just saying. Well, it didn't go through his penis, Dan.

Well, you don't know his level of sound. I got sent a viral video when I was a teenager. It wasn't a glass tumbler, but it was a man with a... There was just a glass jar in the center of the frame. And then this dude, he opens up his butthole and he starts to squall on it. And then it explodes and it goes crazy.

No, no, no. Shanks, we can't. That's too hurt. That hurts too much. Did you watch to the end? Hell yeah. Okay. They called that video The Bitter End.

The Bitter End. The surgery was done by a team of doctors in, I'll try to say this, Bihar's Muzaffarpur. I tried. I tried. You hung out there a little bit. He hung in. Bless you. Bless you.

He said God bless you. Thank you. The doctors from the hospital were left curious as to how the entire glass tumbler made its way into the patient's- Rectum. I've never seen this word. Elementary canal? The elementary, dear Watson.

It's up my ass. Elementary canal is what you call your butthole in elementary school. Thank you. Sure. Thank you. Dr. Hawk. Hack. HAQ.

How would you say that? Hawk. HAQ. Hawk. How would you say it? The noise you make when a jar goes up your ass. Yeah, there you go. Headed by a team of surgeons, said that the x-ray reports had shown that something was

seriously amiss with this man's intestines. Yeah. Hach said, when we inquired, the patient said he swallowed the tumbler while having tea. What? That quote, that is, however, not a convincing explanation. Shanks, what did you... I only swallow with my butt. Oh.

That's it? That's also the only way you drink tea. With my butt. Thank you. The food. What do they call butt chugging? That's right. You butt chug your tea.

Isn't that right? All mushroom tea. That was one of the first stories we ever did together. Butt chugging. That is, however, not a convincing explanation. The food pipe of a human being is too narrow for that object. That's what I said. I swallowed a glass tumbler.

You can't take a tumbler down here. It can't tumble down the esophagus. No. No, he put the tumbler down under. Thank you. There you go. Tumbler down under. Tumbler down under is my favorite Australian review.

Yeah, I saw it in Vegas. Turns out, all dudes. All dudes. And amazing. And they're incredible. Really talented men. They're good at what they do man They're good at what they do It's a show

They're good at what they do He said that he made an attempt To Brian Moses He was in Vegas for a long time And he was just running this And the shows got canceled But they were like Well you're here

So we'll keep you in case They come back And so One night he just went And saw Magic Mike And he was like It was amazing Greatest thing I've ever seen

Man if you would show me You you would show me, you know? That's right. For sure. There's magic in the name. He's probably more magic in Magic Mike's show than there is at a magic show in Vegas. Yeah, man, I don't disintegrate against people, you know? Do not disintegrate against people. You should never do that, man.

That's more of a Thanos move. You don't disseminate against people either. He said he made an attempt to, this is the doctor, he made an attempt to pull the glass out of the rectum through an endoscopic procedure. Maybe we should edit me at the beginning going, trigger warning. So they pull it out the anus through the, yeah. But that did not work out. So he had to cut open his abdomen and extract the tumbler after making an incision in his

intestinal wall. A C-section, so to speak. For glass. A C-section for a giant glass. Honey, where's our other tumbler? I only see seven. Right. I only see seven in the cabinet. I only see a swell over here where the other ones

are. You'd have to go bottom through first, right? That gives new meaning to bottoms up. Yeah, bottoms in. I see what you did there, man. You like that? I like that, man. However, the patient is recovering now,

and that will likely take time. Despite the fact the patient gained consciousness, he and his family have kept mum about what actually happened. Yeah. We know. We know now. But now we know. The doctor, however, had a possible explanation for this.

He said, Our understanding of the human anatomy says there's only one way that glass tumbler could have ended up where it was. It was shoved into his body through the anal opening, but digging deeper, is that nice to say? Come on. Into the facts. Journalistically. They bring out sordid details that the patient might not be willing to share. We as

doctors are duty bound to protect his privacy. I mean, I love that he wanted to be private, but now anytime this guy orders a drink at a bar, that thing's going to be sitting on his stool. There you go. Well, it was already in it. Hey, folks. Sitting in his stool. You can go first.

Or you can go last if you want. You can go second if you want to. How old do you think the glass swallower is? Oh, I bet he's 42. 42. And what is your reasoning What is your reasoning Why 42

I think whenever you Start to go over the hill Just like that That metaphor Like you know That hill metaphor Yes Yes I do know that hill metaphor

That sometimes like You want to try new things in life And you start thinking like Oh should I put More stuff up there Like in my past history Yeah Clear browser

But now It's like you're embarking on a new entry on of your age and you got to figure out whether or not that's the new you unless you like that and whether or not. Stay blessed. There you go. So you can sit on it. Sit on it, Patsy. I'm going to say, God, this is like when you do that,

you're definitely a glass half full kind of a guy. Sure. Just took that up your ass. So I'm going to say 49. 49? 49 years old. Wow. Okay, 49.

I haven't guessed yet. I think the guy is 28 years old. 28, Randy. 28. Okay. All right. Here we go. Ready?

Yep. The glass swallower. Jay, you feel free to jump on my mic with me. Ready? We're getting out of here on this is it jay you are wearing a henley i am i'm back i'm back just in time for henley talk you knocked that out henley talk okay which is just talking about henley ironically that the mic went out on the bottom you know she'd go in the bottom okay what did what I'm saying? Oh! She didn't go in the bottom. Okay, what did you say, Shanks?

He said, he's dancing. I'm going to let him have his moment. What did you say? 42. What did I just say? 42.

I said ironically. No, no, no. The age. Yeah, I said 42. I thought you said 42 just to honor Jackie Robinson, but I could be wrong. I said 40.

49. Yeah. And I said 28. 28? We'll get out of here on this. Shanks, thanks so much for stopping by. Thank you for being here. Anything you. 28. We'll get out of here on this. Shanks, thanks so much for stopping by. Thank you for being here. Anything you want to promote before you get out of here?

Oh, you know what? I will be on y'all's show on UFC Fight Pass coming up. Oh, yeah. That's right. You did do a great spot. Shanks, he was so good, my man. Oh, crazy good. And also make sure you go check out Jeremiah.

You can see him headlining the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's right. Amen to that. Here we go. He is 55 years old. Oh, right here. I said 49. There we go.

I didn't like that. Damn, damn, damn. That's right. That's too old to be getting weird. He's on the way out. He's on the way out the door with that one. I take that back. It's not too old to be getting weird, but you got to be way more careful and sensible.

It's on the way out the back door. Kinder to your prostate. You need things to flare at the end, guys. Right? I see. Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah?

Man, DBK, I like you, dog. I like you. There's a connection. Thanks, buddy. Connection. I appreciate you. Yeah, you want to go get some Panera or something soon? Dude, I'll go to St. Louis Bread Company with you.

Can you imagine soup in a bread bowl with this cat? Oh. Greatest thing in the world. You ever eat out the bottom of a bread bowl? Oh, come on. And then it just like, ah.

I can't. It's good. It's good. It's different. It is different. You do get asked to leave. It's a new way to eat cream of mushrooms.

They don't like you to do that in a restaurant. If you take it home and it's a takeout, you can do that at home. They don't like you to do that in a restaurant. I've been blowing out

the back of some bread bowls. You know what I'm saying? Nothing wrong with it. I do know what you're saying. I wish I didn't know what I was saying. You know what? You start going out the back end of a bread bowl, that's how you get the manager's girlfriend.

That is what it is right there. And you better hope it's not cream of mushroom soup. That's all I got to say. May you blow out the back of every bread bowl that you see. Shanks, thank you for joining us. Thank you, Jeremiah Watkins. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Bye.

Bye. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down.

It's Dumb People Town.