Dumb People Town - Jeremiah Watkins - Bad Dad

Episode Date: April 13, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Jeremiah Watkins (Jeremiah Wonders podcast) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a man is found naked in a helicopter after driving a car into a lake.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you? Population Jeremiah. Jeremiah Watkins.

What's up, buddy? Hey. Welcome to the show, my man. How's it going? We have been wanting to do this for a long time. As friends of yours, fans of yours, you are so good. As far as white guys in the all-Negro wave, you are the best. That means so much to me.

You're the best white guy in the all-Negro wave. You guys mean that? I mean it. You're the best white guy in the all Negro Wave. You guys mean that? I mean it. You're the best comedian who can play a saxophone that I know. Just stop it, guys. By the way, I know we're joking around, but what Jay just described were two shows that you were a part of and an integral part

of the goddamn comedy jam of which we participate in every year at Moon Tower. I can't wait to go to Moon Tower with you and do that. Oh, it's going to be so much fun. Because we have a great song that we'll do with you guys. And it's just so fun to be on stage with you and performing. It's like, again, it's a blast.

And then to be the judges of the roast battle is just so fun with you guys. Anytime we can make a comment that gets you guys to get up out of your seat, it's incredible. And saxophone for Kill Tony. Yeah. Yeah. Which we also love.

Three shows that we participated in. And you guys do Stand Up On The Spot. And we do Stand Up On The Spot. I got to get Daniel on. Yeah. Do it in a heartbeat.

You do it in a heartbeat. We got a new podcast coming out. It's out. Jeremiah Wonders. And that's really good. Yeah, just dropped the 14th episode today.

So we've been doing that for a few months. It's the beginning of the year. So check that out. And you're doing a new comedy music album with our buddy Pat Regan, who's... Yeah. We'll have to have him on this.

We've got to have him on, too. It doesn't feel good to be so busy doing comedy. I love it. I'm super grateful. So, yeah, I'm always trying to spin as many plays as possible. Yeah, same thing for me. I just love it. I'm like, yeah, I'm busy doing comedy.

Well, I'm happy that you're here because there's something that I love more than just playing around and goofing around with you. We do it whenever we hang out, and that is exactly what this show is all about. We got one great story that's sent to us from our friends. Look, the world's getting dumber. I know you know that. And the only way we can combat it is through comedy. And so our friends sent us a story. We haven't heard it.

You haven't heard it. Dan's got it. Here we go. Ready? Yes. The headline alone is so deep. Man found naked in helicopter after driving car into lake. What?

Right? This feels like a character that you would play, Jeremiah. It does. It sounds like the opening of Magnolia. Surely this is not one of those things. This can't be one of those things. Were there frogs raining down? Man found naked in helicopter after driving car in lake.

Some would call this a coincidence. Some would call this happenstance. Look, by the way, helicopter's so small, there's nowhere to, like, go get naked in a helicopter. You just end up in a helicopter. Well, no, you were naked before you got to the helicopter. And how convenient was it? He's like, I just drove my car into the lake. I need somewhere to hide.

Oh, great, there's that helicopter over there. How many getaway vehicles are not functional for you? Exactly. Guys, I got to fly the hell out of here. Let me hop in this helicopter. This is also one of those times where I'm like, they do these stories where I'm like, how recently had that person been playing Grand Theft Auto?

No idea. You know what I mean? Where they're like, oh, I'll do this, and then I'll go do this. And they just keep going for it. They don't care about the flashing stars. Nope. This was sent in by Kelsey Moore, at Kelsey Moore. Thank you, Kelsey.

Thank you. K-E-L-E-S-E-A-M-O-O-R-E. A Glasgow man is accused of multiple felony charges after Warren County Sheriff's deputy said the man drove a stolen vehicle into a lake at Basil Griffin Park. He was later found naked inside a helicopter at Aviation Heritage Park. So this is Glasgow. This is Scotland. No, no. Bowling Green is the newspaper.

Bowling Green Daily News. Bowling Green, Michigan? No, Bowling Green, Ohio. Bowling Green, Ohio. Yeah, maybe Ohio. Lookling Green is the newspaper. Bowling Green Daily News. Bowling Green, Michigan? No, Bowling Green, Ohio. Bowling Green, Ohio? Yeah, maybe Ohio? Look, here's the thing. He was naked in one location, and then he showed up at another location. He brought his nakedness over.

Yes. Have you guys ever had the urge to do the helicopter with your penis while being inside of a helicopter? No. Not as much as this guy, apparently. This guy needed to see that happen. I think that was the first thing that he did as he started to spin and wiggle it around. That was also the early draft of Inception.

Inside. Doing that inside the thing you're in. As he's helicoptering his penis inside of a stopped helicopter, he said, what came first? And is this a dream? Deputies were called to the park at 2.03pm on a Sunday.

A Sunday afternoon craziness. So did that start Saturday night? Or Friday? Or Friday night? Or did church get wild on Sunday? We go to church! And we get wild! Who here really believes? Take your clothes off!

That's a weird way of testifying. It is, it is. But he's bringing people to his word. He's bringing people in. On Sunday, after someone reported a man drove a vehicle into the water, according to a news release from the sheriff's office. A witness at the boat ramp saw, which to me, I just hope there's just people who hang out by the boat ramp. So many witnesses. Honey, where are you going tonight? I people who hang out by the boat ramp. So many women. Honey, where are you going tonight?

I'm just going down to the boat ramp. Yeah, the boat ramp, you know. I just like to watch things down there. We got kids and stuff. Yeah, I know, but I saw this frog that keeps popping up out of the water. Okay, but I mean, not like anything's gonna happen. Well, I named him Billy. He's become one of my good friends. It's not like anything's gonna happen at the boat ramp.

Well, I don't know. You never know. Like, sometimes the frog catches some flies. Daddy, I need popcorn. Man, will you shut up? I just turned around and watched this frog. Don't tell our kid to shut up. Okay, I didn't mean to. Don't tell our kid to shut up. I'm sorry.

It was just a guttural reaction. It just came out of me. I didn't mean to. I'm not trying to be like a bad dad or nothing. I'm just trying to watch this frog down the way. Stop reacting gutturally. Bad dad. I'm trying to be a bad dad.

You are a bad dad. I'm not a bad dad. You're a bad dad. No, you're a bad dad. I'm not a bad dad. I'm your mom. No, okay. You're a bad dad is I'm not a bad dad. You're a bad dad. No, you're a bad dad. You're a bad mother. I'm a mom. You're a bad dad is something he has said to other people who are not parents. Clearly kids.

You're a bad dad. I hate you, dad. No, you're a bad dad. Hey, can I just walk these frogs in peace? What's going on here? Later on, that guy threw drunken beer tears. He's like, call me a bad dad today.

He's still hanging. Are you a bad dad? It says it to everybody in the bar, none of which he's there with. I'm not a bad dad. Sir, sir. The bartender's like, do you want to order another drink? I am not a bad dad. Ain't no bad dad.

I'll tell you that right now. Sir, you've eaten all of our peanuts and cashews here. We're going to have to ask you to leave. I guess I'm just a bad dad. I ain't no bad dad, I'll tell you that right now. So you've eaten all of our peanuts and cashews here. We're going to have to ask you to leave. Oh, I guess I'm just a bad dad! Excuse me while the bad dad walks out! So yeah, this person's hanging. Bad dad is hanging down by the boat landing. The boat ramp. Saw a man

get out of the vehicle and went to assist him. The man later identified as Travis Smiley. Not Tavis Smiley of the PBS interview. This is how

you give this guy one R. One R for the recessive gene of stupidity. One R. Tavis loved. Tavis Smiley, one of the smartest, well-spoken, well-read, who will now be like, he'll Google himself, Tavis Smiley, and this dumbass is going to come up.

Did you mean Travis? No, Tavis Smiley. So I'm going down to see a symposium at the museum, and Tavis Smiley is like, Travis Smiley? Why would that guy be speaking? Travis Bad Dad Smiley? Tavis. Which, so wait.

Yes. I think that Tavis actually sounds way more redneck than Travis. So that guy, I mean, I think people are going to mix these up. They are going to. Of course they are. Hey, listen, I'm just a simple Tavis just trying to work around here. You're Travis. Oh, no, I mean, I think people are going to mix these up Of course they are Hey listen, I'm just a simple Tavis Just trying to work around here Oh no, I'm Travis?

Oh wait, I thought my parents named me Tavis No, Tavis Smiley is a host Of a political show Very popular host of a PBS show Are you saying I'm not well read? No, no You're not Tavis Smiley If you call me a bad dad, I will slit your throat.

That would be the sign that you are a bad dad. Meanwhile, but isn't Tavis Smiley not the bad dad? He's the guy who went in the water? Okay, so I love that we're not going to put that. We just ended up making Tavis Travis also a bad dad. In this town, no one wants to be called a bad dad. Listen, fatherhood is the most important thing in this town. I think a lot of people in this town don't want to be called a dad.

The man later identified as Travis Smiley of Glasgow ran from the scene, according to the release. So he's naked. No, the witness went into the water to check for other occupants of the vehicle. So bad dad, original bad dad. Went in. Went in and was like, I'm going to make sure there's nobody else in that car, which is pretty responsible. I mean, that's a good dad move.

That is a good dad move. He wants to earn some good dad points. I get it. There were no other, I have to take a drink and I'm not going to be bashful about it because I want some people in town to hear me. I think it's allergies right now. Here we go. I'm back.

Good Dan. Not bad Dan. Yeah, right. The witness went into the water to check for other I'm back, guys. Good Dan. Not bad Dan. Yeah, right? The witness went into the water to check for other occupants of the vehicle. There were no occupants found. The deputies found Travis Smiley a short distance away after they said he forced entry into the maintenance hangar at the Aviation Heritage Park in an area where a helicopter is being restored. Means it doesn't work. Doesn't work.

If you're going to choose your helicopter, choose one that flies. So wait, he ran in there with clothes on and then took them off so that he would not be identified? According to Travis Smiley's arrest citation, deputies found some wet clothes in a trash can. At what point are you like, what can I do so they won't recognize me? I will take my clothes and throw them in this trash can that they can easily see. So now I'm a naked guy that no one will suspect. But when you get naked, so he clearly wasn't carrying a wallet, or did he just throw that away? I mean, come on.

I mean, what do you do with your wallet when you decide to get naked? Probably the same thing you did with the flip phone. Just toss it. Pitch it. Wow. He doesn't want to have any idea. Hey, man, look, you throw that Nokia pebble into the lake that you drove your car into, it's going to make ripples. Deputy saw wet footprints around the helicopter.

Okay, this is like a straight-up Scooby-Doo episode. By the way, this is the easiest mystery to solve ever, and I love how the police department is giving itself so much credit here. Like that we got to the bottom of it. So we saw the wet footprints, and we knew we were in the right area. We were heading in the right direction. We just knew we needed to work harder. Right.

Also, do you think the cops, like when I walk in, hey, man, look how good of a cop I am. Found the clothes in the garbage can. The other cop's like, yeah, look how good of a cop I am. See the clothes in the garbage can. The other cop's like, yeah, look how good of a cop I am. See these wet footprints. What great cops. We're just bad cops. Should we be on a bigger level here? I feel like we need to, like, are we FBI and we don't know it?

Exactly. Smiley. Well, okay, deputy saw the wet footprints around the helicopter. Travis Smiley was found naked and hiding in the tail of the aircraft, and had to be forcibly removed from it. So he's in the tail of a helicopter? By the way, that's always fun. That's dope. When you're like, oh, we gotta now get this guy out of here.

I know. Sir, come out. So the tail is where they keep the luggage? Yeah, the tail, I think, is where they keep luggage. My helicopter knowledge is very limited. Have you ever been in a helicopter before? No, I haven't. Have you guys?

Never. Never. Never. I've been in like a five-person plane before, those tiny ones. I've sat in a plane that you get in and it's like a car. It's scary. I got into a plane like that in Australia and flew from Cairns to this little island, and it was so windy.

Like a little six-seater thing? It was a car, Dan. It was five-seater. It was pilot. Someone could sit next to them, shotgun. Where'd you sit? I sat in the back seat right behind him in the middle, and I thought I was going to die. Yep.

I actually was convinced I was going to die. See, because when you fly commercially, it's so big. Yeah, you don't feel. Yes, you can kind of detach yourself from the fact of how you're up in the air even if you're afraid of heights you look out the window

that doesn't seem real it seems like you're watching on a screen like whatever but I'm assuming having that done that you guys are alluding to the fact that

when you're in one of those you are in the air like you're like we are so Dan how do you fly because you because

so when Dan is we did this thing this project called Scolars and Stripes So Dan, how do you fly? Because you... I know. So when Dan is... We did this thing, this project called Scholars in Stripes, where we went around and did stand-up in various towns. It's our Audible project. I remember you guys recording that last year. Yeah, we did it with you. We interviewed you in Tulsa. Yeah, in Tulsa.

You made the final cut, by the way. You did. So we went to St. Louis. Dan came with us and featured for us, and we went up in the arch, and there's this tiny egg elevator that travels up the leg of the arch. Dan sits down in it. Not an elevator. It's like a shuttle pod.

Right. It's tiny, and Dan sits down for a second. He's like, I'm out. I know my limitations. I know my limits. We're like, Dan, get back here. And you're like, nope. And it's just because there's nowhere to go.

But on a plane, there's nowhere to go either. Right. Well, there's two things. One, I can move around. Okay, fine. Two. You can stand up and walk around. You have to do it.

Okay. And I also don't intend to freak out. That makes sense. But that's the thing is I was like, I could stay in that pod and I could have just mental my way through it. Toughed it out. Yeah, toughed it out. But I would have not enjoyed any of it.

You're absolutely right. And then, believe it or not, this is going to sound, maybe this is where it gets a little crazy what you were digging for. I tend to always sit in the exit row. Sure. Because I do know I could open that door if I had to. You had to get out, which would be the dumbest thing in the world to jump out of an open. I know, but there's a part of me that I literally think, let's say it crashed. You just want to know I could get out. Like a hard

landing. We're crashed. You could get out of that door. I can get out. That's right. I can get out right now. I'm not stuck waiting for people to come around. So Dan, not helping other people. He just wants to get out himself. Well, that's my job. You've got to clear the eye. I hear you, Dan. So this guy's in the back. You were right, though. You were close enough to me that you were... Sir, do you accept the responsibility

of sitting in the exit room and caring for other people? Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, not a problem. All you're accepting is that you will open that goddamn door. You want me on that door. You want me on that door. You need me on that door. Open the door, Van Kirk. Van Kirk. So, yeah, Van Kirk

would be a great name for like an 80s cop show. Van Kirk. Van Kirk, in my office now! You've burned your last. My last day of being a federal agent, I asked them if they would demand my badge, and they were like, no, just leave it right there. Just leave it right there. Also, Dan was a federal agent.

Yeah, for like a year. Wow. Yeah. Were you a federal agent working for marshals to see who stole stuff? No, my FBI ID number was 0758. I had top-level national security clearance. Are you serious? What?

Jay knows this. I know this, but I didn't realize. You know you're in the wrong field as a federal agent whenever you're leaving, and you're like, can we do a bit? Come on, I just need this. I need this as a story. For me. Can you demand my badge, please?

Yeah, I just did background checks and stuff like that. You're like, can I just say I'm too old for this shit? Yeah. Just to somebody? Can I flip a desk over or something? Come on, I need this. Jack Phillips was my boss, and he was the best, still to this day, best boss I've ever had. Jack Phillips.

He's in Chicago. Jack, Jack. Yeah, and he was like, I remember I got dumped while I was working there, still to this day, best boss I've ever had. Jack Phillips. He's a Chicago guy. Jack, Jack. He was like, I remember I got dumped while I was working there, and I was so sad. Yeah. And he was like, he's like, you got your heart broke. And I go, yeah, I guess. Yeah, sorry. And he's like, you're sad about it.

And I go, yeah. And he's like, all right, so take today, be sad, and then tomorrow, let's get over it. I'm like, you're like, I'm sorry. Jack, are you doing a background check on my love life? I know. Jack Phillips. I would have liked if he just keeps telling you obvious things like, you don't like this much, do you?

No, I don't. Yeah, it's probably going to take you some time, isn't it? Yeah, it probably will take me some time. You're probably not going to find another woman, are you? No, no. I hope I did. Where is this going? Jesus.

He was a 20-year state trooper, then 20-year investigator for the IRS, kicking doors, IRS stuff. Amazing. And then he ended up with the Office of Personnel Management. Now he works for Century 21. I wonder what he does now. And then he actually worked for Centurynel Management. Now he works for Century 21. I wonder what he does now. And then he actually worked for Century 21, and now he works for Forever 21. So he's just moved on.

He keeps going. He just goes down the line. So this guy's in the tail of the aircraft. He's in the tail of the aircraft, had to be forcibly removed from it. What if there was a store called Forever Century 21, and they sold like jackets gold blazers for kids for teens be careful that could become hip

got it Forever Century 21 you will have missed out it's like Werther's that are built into the pockets Smiley

told deputies someone was trying to kill him according to the citation he also said that he used methamphetamine about a week ago

and appeared to be under the influence of a drug is that a week long he probably started a week ago Ihamphetamine about a week ago and appeared to be under the influence of a drug. Is that a week long? He probably started a week ago and kept going. I think it felt like a week. If you took it that morning, he's like, It's been a week, man.

I've lived a week in this day. By the way, what did you do? I haven't seen my kids in years. Yesterday. You saw them yesterday. Wait, what? Are you trying to say I'm a bad dad? No, no, no, man.

You're a good driver. Get back in the back of the helicopter. He told deputies someone had been inside the truck with him. Travis Smiley was taken into custody. Because of the water temperature, Smiley was taken to the medical center for treatment before being logged into the Warren County Regional Jail, according to the citation. The triangle of life. I told you it was cold.

You want to hear where the cops start to get dumb? Yeah. After medical treatment, as deputies were trying to leave with Travis Smiley, he said he needed to use the restroom at the hospital and was allowed to do so. There is your... He's gone. He's gone. This motherfucker...

Sorry if kids were listening to that part. But he has driven into a lake, said, my day's still going. Got naked. Yeah, got naked, broken into an aviation place, day's still going. Had to be forcibly taken out of the helicopter. What is the protocol for that, by the way? Like prying a naked man out of the tail of a helicopter. You can use whatever you got.

Taser. Is it gloves? Taser. A lot of gloves. Double gloves. Double gloves. Double gloves. Double gloves. Double gloves. Taser.

I would always say go with a net. Let them fight it out like a toddler. Pull him by his penis. Like it's a cigarette machine. So they get him out and he's like, hey man, I'm going to go to the bathroom. The visual of that was perfect. I imagine the 80s. Cigarette machine.

Van Kirk smoking a cigarette. I think I'm going to have to quit. Open this door. Open this door. Yes. So, yeah, he says to the cops, cool if I use the bathroom. And they're like, sure. Yeah.

No, I know it's not great. Being a cop is not easy. But sometimes you got to go into the bathroom with the person. I go with my kids. By the way, what are you going to see that you haven't already seen in a helicopter? There you go. go into the bathroom with the person. I go with my kids. By the way, what are you going to see that you haven't already seen in a helicopter? There you go. Guy was naked. Yes.

Yeah. So he says, can I go? They say, yep, you're allowed to do so. Officers, could I please just get a little bit of privacy? Look, you already got the TS, okay? TS been gotten. Yeah. How about I just go to the bathroom?

Let me just. Let's be civil here, here. We're all humans. He's not going to go anywhere. There's not a window or anything that's not going to go anywhere. A loud crash in the restroom. Hospital security arrived. They already have cops there. They unlocked the bathroom

where a deputy found Travis Smiley on the floor and noticed that a ceiling tile had been removed. A damaged paper towel dispenser had been ripped from the wall. Deputies believe Travis Smiley was trying to escape custody. Breakfast club style. Yep, through the bathroom ceiling.

Through the roof! And the towel dispenser fell when he put his weight on it, so he stood up on the towel dispenser. That breaks off the wall. He goes straight to the ground. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Did it. Anyway. I missed it. What is it? he goes straight to the ground. Anyway.

I missed it. What is it? That's the music that's playing as Judd Nelson is like crawling on the thing and he says I'm in the wrong.

That was great. Man walks into a bar with a duck. Yes. Travis hits the ground. Of course. The vehicle driven by Travis Smiley

was pulled from the lake and had been reported stolen in Barron County, according to the race. Travis Smiley was taken into custody. I'll never watch PBS ever again because of this. Travis Smiley is charged with first-degree wanton endangerment, third-degree escape, operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs, receiving stolen property, first-degree criminal mischief, tampering with physical evidence, resisting arrest, third-degree burglary, and third-degree criminal mischief. He racked it up. He racked it up. Dude, I can't believe Tavis Smiley did all this. That is just...

No, Travis. Oh, Travis Smiley. Oh, in my mind, it was Tavis Smiley the whole time. Yeah. I'm going to ask you guys, and we'll get out on this. How old is Travis Smiley? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Oh, man. You want to go first, Tig, or third? Tig was in between the two of us. Tig goes second. What do you want to do?

I'll go first. Okay. I feel like he is 59. Wow. Yeah, man. Only old people know to get into a helicopter. Yes. Young people don't understand. You gotta have some knowledge, yeah. You gotta have a little bit of knowledge.

I like where he's going. I'm gonna say 51. 51 years old. 44. 44. None of us think he's young. Travis Smiley, the man who could not be deterred by driving into a lake, getting naked, getting pulled out of a helicopter that didn't work, and then also falling to the ground after trying to climb out of a bathroom, is 36 years old. Oh, wow. He's still in his prime.

I know. He still has about 10 years left before he dies. That's prospect age. That's amazing. All right, there you go. That's a mini down in the books. Thank you for listening to this. Jeremiah Watkins, follow you on Twitter and on your great Instagram follow, too.

I love that. Follow at Jeremiah Stand Up. I saw you skateboarding the other day. Yeah. That was super cool. And listen to his podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. Check him out on The Roast Battle. Check him out on Goddamn Comedy Jam.

He's amazing on all the things that he does. You're a delight, man. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

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