Dumb People Town - Jesse Neil & Keith Kingbay - Falling Through the Ceiling with No Pants On

Episode Date: January 11, 2019

Comedians Jesse Neil and Keith Kingbay join the guys to discuss the tale of a half-naked woman who causes a scene at a restaurant after falling through the ceiling... twice.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Man, Dirk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music hits the funny hits. And we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down.

It's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Jesse. Thank you. Population, Jesse. Thank you. And Keith. And Keith. Jesse Neal, Keith King Bay from New Players joined a podcast that our buddy Dan Van Kirk.

Dan Van Kirk is here, Jay. Yo, Daniel, how are you? I'm sorry. I'm never shocked, always thrilled. Taking a drink. That he has done. If you love the video games, if you love playing the video games, and specifically Ready Player One, am I right? The best video game of all time.

The Steven Spielberg movie based on the book. Why is it the best video game of all time? Because it doesn't exist. It's not a game. It's a thing. And therefore, it can't be flawed. Can we talk Fortnite for 12 hours? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can. Your kid's playing it. Fortnite has taken away Jay's child. Oh, has it? It's the cult that stole my son. As far as cults go, yeah. Let's talk about it. Your kid's playing it? Is that the whole thing? Fortnite has taken away Jay's child. Oh, has it? It's the cult that stole my son. Is he doing all the dances? As far as cults go, that's a nice one

to have stolen your child. Is he doing all the dances? Is he doing all the dances? I mean, there's a moment where you're like, fuck Fortnite, and then you're like, oh, but he's learning

Napoleon Dynamite. Exactly. So I'm okay with it. He's flossing, so it's great. He knows all the dances, and it's fun to see. Meanwhile, we were at our friends, we were at our cousin's place,

and I played Atari Bowling. And I was like, I could do this for hours. Right? I know it's like, oh, and just the sound of the ball rolling down the thing was fucking brilliant. I was like, it's so simple. My kids like that. My kids like Atari Bowling. It's pretty dope. It's great. It's a great game. It was the original it's so simple. My kids like that. My kids like Atari bowling. It's pretty dope.

It's great. It's a great game. It's great. It was the original first-person shooter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoot those pins. Kill them all. Shoot those pins.

Get those pins. Well, the world has become a bit like a video game in that, I feel like the world has become Grand Theft Auto. Oh, yeah. I can't tell the difference anymore. It's the same. You're saying to yourselves, like, hold on a second, Grand Theft Auto seems like a nicer place to live than where we're living right now. Yeah, dude, I got

screamed at outside by a guy as I was coming in, and I was like, I know that character. He's a great character. Wait, shouldn't you be in a wife-beater? I mean, shouldn't you be beating your wife? I mean, he's a terrifying man. Jokes aside, nobody go outside the front door. But a pretty good side mission. Yeah, but a really good

side mission. I need you to take this box. You've got two minutes to drop this box off. Take it to the San Fernando Valley. What happens if I win? You get stabbed! What happens if I lose? You get stabbed! It's a win-win thing. So the world is getting dumber, as we all agree,

and I'm so happy that we can all sort of look at the video game that is life right now, and through the lens of our great fans who send us stories, we've got a gem of one for you guys, and that's why I'm so happy you're both here. Daniel, shall we dive in? We should.

This one was sent in by Kelby W. Davis, at Kelby W. Davis. K-E-L-B-Y. Thank you. Thank you. It says Kingsport. Does anybody know where that is? Kingsport? No, no idea.

Could be Connecticut? Could be Maine? It does feel Connecticut. It sounds know where that is? Kingsport? No, no idea. Could be Connecticut. Could be Maine. Or Kingsport sounds like a video game. It does. Kingsport. Yeah. You just buy stuff. Kingsport.

Yeah, Kingsport. And you behead people. Yeah, all monarchy. A bizarre incident at a fast food restaurant. Good start. Yep. All right. Is every incident a normal incident? Outside of news articles, How many times do you... It's never like a normal incident.

Outside of news articles, how many times do you hear someone say, bizarre? That was bizarre. And again, do we have to get into the debate of whether or not it's a restaurant? Let's get into it, guys. If the furniture is nailed down to the ground, it is not a restaurant. If the person at the cash register presses a photo or like a giant key of what the thing looks like and that's what it is,

it's not a restaurant. This is my favorite Jeff Foxworthy thing. If it's an open-air kitchen that you can walk up to but not sit at. It's not a restaurant. A bizarre incident

at a fast food restaurant has netted the arrest of an old woman. You don't need to say that though. Nude from the waist down. Here we go. Curly fries.

Nude from the waist down. An old woman nude from the waist down as she reportedly fell through the ceiling and into the kitchen. Awesome. Twice. Let me go again. Let me go again. Let me go again.

I didn't like the way I came through. So the first time they actually thought she left. No. We're done with this woman falling through the ceiling. Guys, I mean, that's not going to happen again. Fall through the ceiling and land into a fry-o-lator. Shame on you. Fall through it twice.

Shame on me. Do you think when she hit the first time, she was like, I could do this back. That's what I'm saying. She's like, guys, let me try that one more time. I need one more. She hits it. She's like, nailed it. Not just because you guys are here, but she hit the reset button.

Like when you're playing video games with your friend and you die too fast and you're like, let me just try it. Let me just try it one more time. I'm like, dude, it's my turn. It's my turn to fall through the ceiling with no pants on. My hope is that she fell through with pants on. She's like, I could do this better. She fell through with no pants on. I'm like, this time you get arrested for that.

If that's what happened. Okay, let's say that really happened. She definitely got up falling through the second time without pants and said, Ta-da. I hope so. I hope so. Or just beat that. What?

No one's scoring you, Rachel. Just getting carried away in cuffs going, you would have loved the third act. You should not be arrested. There was also some employee there that day who was like, I'm not going to quit. Just keep going. Don't worry about it. Whatever happens, just keep going. Eyes down. I would love to...

I don't know if it ends up saying the place, but... Just look at... This made the Yelp review. Well, their fries were great, but the cons were that the show ended early. Right?

A report. But you know that's now going to be part of the manager yelling at the people. Jeff, get the fries on the fry ladder. Make sure the hamburgers are underneath the heat lamp. Watch out for the old vagina coming out of the way. A report at the Kingsport Police Department states, Harley C. Morton. H-A-R-L-E-Y. That's her name?

That is her name. I'm going to double down on Connecticut now. Harley C. Morton. Harley C. Morton. Of Granby Road. This is the tale of Mrs. Morton. Why do they need to tell the road she lives on for an incident that took place at a restaurant? Well, in case you want to know if she's real, this happened.

I think you want to go by the house and make sure that there's a hole in her roof as well. That's how she enters every restaurant. Well, in case you want to know if she's real, that's exactly what happened. I think you want to go by the house and make sure that there's a hole in her roof as well. That's how she enters every room. Yeah, exactly. She is charged with criminal trespassing, vandalism, and disorderly conduct. However, records contain no possible explanation of why she was in the ceiling.

I'm sorry. Do you guys hear an old lady, an old pantsless lady in our ceiling? I'm hearing something. Is it, an old pantsless lady in our ceiling? I'm hearing something. What is it, a squirrel? What is up there? I love the idea of somebody being like, wait, before you finish this report, I got to tell you why she's... No, no, no, no, no.

We got everything we need. We're going away. Yeah, records contain no possible explanation for why she was in the ceiling of the Tennessee... So we're in Tennessee. Damn way off. Of the Tennessee Burger and Barbecue Joint Cookout on East Stone Drive. Cookout also sounds

like a video game. It was the next version of Burger Time. It was Burger Time and Punch Out combined into one game. Mike Tyson's Cookout. That sounds more threatening than the actual game. I know.

He throws couches at you, you gotta die. An employee called police shortly before 10 p.m. He stated a female had partially fallen through a ceiling tile. So only her bottom half. Oh my god. Then pushed herself back up and was, quote, running around overhead. pushed herself back up and was quote, running around overhead. So a naked legs and genitals

fell through the roof and they were like, that's a naked person. But little did they know that was a half-clothed person. Also, do you think while I imagine the call of like, police officer, what do you need? Okay, she's running around.

Sir, I don't know what you're talking about. We got a woman running around up here. Yeah, go ahead. No, no, you. I was going to say, have you heard the old, my favorite Phil Hendry? One of my favorite things is the triangulation thing that he does where he does the voice in the background where it's like. Every two minutes he's like, you son of a bitch. He's talking to a woman who's like,

there it is again. He's doing it again. Doing what again, man? You son of a bitch. There he goes again. He's doing it again. So I imagine that's what they're saying. She's running around. She's doing it again. Once she pulled herself back up and just ran around

that they kept making food. Yeah. They have to think they stopped at any point look I think that dude is flipping burgers as he was on the phone yeah he's just working through it yeah working through it yeah she pulled herself back up and was quote running around overhead she think does she think she's a ghost I mean she's got that sort of. A responding officer didn't initially spot the suspect, but found broken support rails laying on the floor. I love how he's like, all right, let me figure out what we got here.

I know what we have here. We saw the legs. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. He's been watching too much Sherlock. Broken support rails on the floor. Maybe someone came through the ceiling. Yeah, we know that, sir. Let's see.

Found broken support rails laying on the floor. An inspection outside led to the roof where police found a wallet containing Morton's ID. Morton's ID is one of my favorite steakhouses. It's a good one. It's a good one. It is.

It is. I like the thing she put it there for safekeeping. She's like, it's about to get weird. I'm just going to keep this on the roof. Access into the building is believed to have been made at an air conditioning unit by removing a screen. That's that easy. That's the same thing I thought. It's that easy.

It's that easy. It shouldn't be that easy. Knowing that it's that easy, are we amazed thing I thought it's that easy it's that easy it shouldn't be that easy knowing that it's that easy are we amazed this isn't happening all the time exactly so I had rats

in my basement and I still do now I gotta get that in my basement humble brags it's the opposite of gold on the ceiling there's a rat

in my basement rats in my basement I hear Richard Simmons doing it of course I was doing the old there's a rat in my basement. I'm hearing Richard Simmons doing it. Of course. I was doing the old, there's a rat in my basement. What am I going to do?

All right. So I had to, these guys double screened, you know, you get the exterminator. They come and they double screen. That seems like not a solution. Double screen it. As long as it's not getting through there. She's like a rat. Is it like a metal screen?

Yeah. It's like you can't get through. You can't cut through it. Unless she's got screen cutters. You mean teeth? You mean teeth? That's so great that some exterminator is like, oh, they got through one grate? Well, let's see them do the exact same thing again.

Every time I have ice cream, my screen cutters hurt. You mean your teeth. Those are your teeth, Harley. Yeah. So anyway, Access is believed she got into the building through an air conditioning unit by removing a screen. While the officer was still on the roof, the woman fell through a second ceiling tile in the kitchen. This time landing on the floor below. You start falling into a kitchen.

That's dangerous. Was he still like, all right, hold on. Let me figure this out. I see more breaking the wall. He's up on the roof while this happens. Like, you want to get down here? I'm processing clues. I found a wallet.

Now, what could you have found down there that's more impactful than the wallet? Boom. Her? While the officer was still on the roof, the woman fell through the second ceiling tile in the kitchen, this time landing on the floor below police were able to cut her off as she entered the dining area imagine that

bursting out of that backwards forward door a bunch of asbestos tiles all over you I'm trying to figure out what the t-shirt was because it was without a doubt a t-shirt like a who farted I was because it was without a doubt a t-shirt. Who farted? I was stupid. It was along that line.

Don't sass me. Itty bitty titty committee. That's definitely on there. It's free advertising. Oh, for sure. I hope it's just one of those. Anytime you go to any tourist town where they sell shirts

that just say the name of the town. It's just like, Orlando. That's all it said on her shirt was some sort of like... I would love it if she was saying... It just said Knoxville and then on the back, what opioid problem? Custom made. It's funny because you can do that with any town. I just wish she was wearing a Life's Good t-shirt.

That's in every town and you're just like, no fear. Every Michigan dad's favorite shirt. No fear shirt. And every color of those Life's Good, because you see them in airports a lot. I hate that brand more than anything. Every color is

the name of the color followed by the words washed too many times. If the words washed too many times. If green was washed too many times. That's the color scheme of all life's good shit. Do you want a purple? Yeah, I'd love a purple. Do you want it washed 8,000 times? No. I want a true color. I would just assume

the colors were the color and then, you know, like your dad likes. 100%. 100%. Life's good. So while the officer was on the road, she fell through and then she ran into the dining area, which is when the officer realized she was unclothed

from the waist down. Which also may be when she realized she was unclothed. Is he like approaching her like a goose? Like a loose goose with his arms out and stuff? How is he trying to contain her? I gotcha. Ma'am, you are naked from the waist down.

Who? You are. Whoa, ma'am. You. Somebody find my pants. My wallet's in there. No, it's not. You're wrong again.

It's on the roof. Wrong again. Morton was transported to the Kingsport City Jail along with charges she incurred for Tuesday night's incident. She was additionally served with an outstanding felony warrant of Sullivan County for failure to appear. We're going to take a quick break, and when we do, we're going to play a round of Guess the AG. Oh, stay with us. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay, here we go. Okay. Welcome back. So what we know about her is she's been identified as an old lady. Yes.

Old lady, old woman. That's what they said. By the way, do you want to reset who we're with? I will. We're right. Daniel Van Kirk. Keith King Bay and Jesse Neal. Yes.

They have a great podcast. New players join a great podcast. A bizarre incident at a city fast food restaurant has netted the arrest of an old woman nude from the waist down as she reportedly fell through the ceiling and into the kitchen twice. So this is drugs old woman, right? Like 50 is very, very old. Yeah, I mean, let's talk about old. But keep that in the hopper as we decide.

I mean, in Florida, there's probably people who are like, you're 25? You made it? So I feel like life expectancy in Florida is like the rest of the world at the turn of the 19th century. Yeah, this is 1905 Sierra Leone. It just happens to of the world at the turn of the 19th century. Yeah, this is 1905 Sierra Leone. It just happens to be the peninsula at the bottom of America. A common cold could kill you in Pennsylvania. Yeah, they thought the nick was now. What do you got, one of them coal miners lungs?

Okay, so yeah, let's go over what do we know about her. She is pantsless. She's pantsless. She had the wherewithal to put the wallet on the roof. I would also point out she had the strength to pull herself back up. She's strong. She has a house.

And that's important because she's not just a crazy person off the street. It just says of Granby Road. She might have the whole road. I don't know. Where do you see her wigwam on it? That's where she stay. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Trying to think if there's anything else you need to know about her. I think that's all we have. I need to know why she's going to so much. She has an ID. But the strength to pull up is going to definitely mean that she's not over 70. The wherewithal to crawl through To crawl through an air conditioning Vent So she's nimble enough to get onto the roof

Also I just saw a story of a 91 or 94 year old dude Still doing backflips off his Diving board into an empty pool Oh cool I saw a story about him I was like that's crazy An old dude like that doing backflips Rest in peace in two weeks

I want this to be a new Nancy Meyers movie about this moment. I thought you were going to say, I want this to be Nancy Meyers. Because she does a biopic about her life. No, Nancy Meyers movies are all about how the old woman, the old guy realizes that he shouldn't be dating the young girl. He should get back together with her. And that's the cop. That's the cop.

I'm going to take my pants off and go through the thing, and then she realizes. She is spontaneous. What did I do? What was I thinking? I don't need a 24-year-old hot body. All right. Jesse and Keith, you are our guests, so you can go first or second, or TIG. TIG would somewhere fall against TEC. And then there's third and fourth.

Which way do you want to go? I love the options. First Tig, third or fourth. Where do you guys want to go? I'll jump in off the bat. All right, go for it. I'll go for it. Okay.

I'm going to say that this woman is 58 years old. 58 years old. Is that what you were going to say? I was going to say 57. Were you? 57 in the Tig slot. I'm going to take a 60 is too old to be climbing and crawling through stuff. I'd say close to 60, and for some reason, drugs 50 is like 90 years old.

So that's how I take it. Upper 50, so 57. Okay. So I just prices righted you pretty hard. No, you didn't because it's reverse. No, it's just straight up close. We don't worry about over, under. Okay, Randy or Jay? She's 68.

68 from Jason. They said old woman. They would have said middle-aged if she was in her 50s or 40s. Old lady? That's 68. I will say that dropping from a ceiling twice, I've been told, adds 10 years. It's like the camera adds 10 pounds.

Exactly. The ceiling tile adds 10 years. Jay, what would you say if they didn't say old? What would you guess? If they didn't say old, I would have said she was like 41. Yeah, I would have said like 38. Also, but a great grandmother. Yeah.

No matter what age she is. I don't want to make a judgment of how good of a grandmother she is. We're saying literally her kids have had kids that have had kids. I would say this woman is 64. 64 years old. So what are the ages we got? 68, 64, 58, and 57. Okay.

All right, Tondys, get your answers in right now. I clearly think old means not so old. Not over 60. It just wouldn't be possible to even survive that fall. If she's 80, I'm going to walk out of here. I'm going to get up like I just saw Up Close Magic at a mall. Start walking around. And if he wins, he's never going to leave.

Never. I'm stuck here, guys. Got to call my family and be like, you don't have a daddy anymore. Sorry. It's a tough call. I've gotten it. Come on, man. Let's go. Talonies, get your answers in right now.

Does anybody have anything they want to plug before we drop this? Let's plug their podcast again, guys. Let people know kind of what it's about and how people can catch it. It is really good. We're going to recommend it to our people. But please do what you do. The podcast is New Player Has Joined. It's right here on Starburns Audio.

And we talk to a guest every week about their favorite video game of all time and why they attach themselves to it emotionally and why they enjoyed it, the nostalgia they might have for it. And we have tons of trivia and tons of games. We bring fun people on. We've got Ron Funches on, Amanda Seals. We've had Dan Van Kirk on to talk about Call of Duty. We bring fun people on. We brought Ron Funches on, Amanda Seals. We've had Dan Van Kirk on. We're talking about Call of Duty.

Check the Van Kirk episode. If you guys love Atari bowling, come talk to us about video games. Yes, seriously. I would love to because I literally just, our friend had like the old console. Oh, dude. Had like the console and we just were playing and I just loved it. I literally sat there and I was like, I could do this forever. Yeah, we have people come on.

They're like, old games used to play and they bring up stories of what it used to be like. We could go as far back as Oregon Trail. Yes. Please come talk to us. Or track and field on the old Apple computers. It was so hard. Just mashing the two books. You had to hit the Olympic diving.

I mean, that was all really fun. But, I mean, it is so much a part of, like, people. Choplifter. I mean, it was about everybody. Sortie, you tried to land on the people. Castle Wolfenstein. Castle Wolfenstein. We could go.

The original Castle Wolfenstein. A game called Commander Keen. Yes. I love Commander Keen. The pogo sticks. Yeah, dude. So this is what the podcast should be.

Okay, look at how much fun we're having. You have to check their podcast out. New player has joined. You can catch it on Starburns or iTunes or wherever you get podcasts. All right, Daniel. Check that out. And we should mention.

Oh, a couple things. We will be in San Francisco. Yeah, as part of Sketch Fest doing a live Dumb People Town at the Cobbs Comedy Club. We've always done it the last few years in the afternoon, which is great. And we'll get like 220, 250 people, which is awesome. So much fun. We're very excited to see if we can sell out Cobbs for a nighttime show. So late night Friday, 1030.

What do you got to do? It's going to be really fun. You're done with work. Come and watch us do a live Dumb People Town Hall meeting. Ron Funches will be our guest. You mentioned him before. He's amazing. And we just can't wait to do it there.

So we'd love to sell that thing out. We'd love to just have a bunch of you guys. Our San Francisco shows are always amazing. Every podcast is different if you do it live, so please come check that out. We have a stand-up show right before it. That's right. We're going to do a stand-up show before it. We'll announce where that's going to be, but we'd love to see it.

All right. Ready for this? How old is this lady? All right, townies. Hope you're all set. By the way, if Nancy Meyers did it, pantsless in Tennessee. It's like sleepless in Seattle. Harley C. Morton is. Oh, my God. pantsless in Tennessee. It's like sleepless in Seattle. Harley.

C. Morton. Is. Oh my god. I have so much money on this. The tension. 26 years old. What? Why they wrote old? What? She has to look so old.

What? Is this somebody who writes for this newspaper being like, ah, this old woman. She's like some 17-year-old kid. What are you, a prospector? It's like calling it this old house. I know. This old roof.

I know. And when I got to the bottom, I was like, well, why would you write old? Why would you call it old? You know what? Shame on this reporter. This reframes everything. I'm glad you asked if she didn't write old.

Whoever said 57 wins. Yay! This, God, you did Price is Right. You fucking did. You did all of us. You beautifully did that. All right, there you go.

That is the show. Check out their podcast. New player is joined. Come see us in San Francisco live or check out any live dates that we have at supersurvivors.com

or danielvancurk.com. That's true. We love you guys and oh shit, we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound on your downy stump people town it's a good show