Dumb People Town - Jesse Thorn - Where Are The Beers?

Episode Date: December 14, 2021

This week Jesse Thorn comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a classic tale of man in the wall. The second story is about a serval. Final story involves beer runners without a plan.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Donnie's, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population news. Population thorn. Jesse Thorn III. Welcome to the show, sir. Hi, guys. Nice to see you. Nice to talk to you. A pleasure to be here. It's podcasting and NPR's sweetheart, Jesse Thorn. Look, here's the deal. We're going to hit all the comedy right on the bullseye today, and we're going to give you maximum fun. Look at this. Because that's how we do it. You're fired.

You're fired, Jason. This is how we do it. From the entire entertainment. I was just going to fire you from podcasting, but you're fired from the entire entertainment industry. And with that firing, you would hit the bullseye. Folks! Wow. Jesse Thorne is with us, and the world is still dumb.

What do we do? I'm the new co-host with Dan. That's right. Welcome. Welcome. Great to be here. We've trimmed the fat. Yeah, we're bringing in Montel Jordan, by the way, who is going to sue us.

You've trimmed the hair and trimmed the fat. There you go. There you go. On top of the dome piece. We got to get into some dumb stories, because we got Jesse here. You want to do one? Let's do one. All right.

This was sent in by- And we'll talk to him in a few minutes. Sent in by Cindy at Goke, G-O-K-E, Goke, I don't know, 8456. Thank you so much. I was a huge fan of that movie, Goke Park. Oh, you were? Wow. Okay, fair enough.

All carot. Finger on the pulse. Thanks, Cindy, for sending this in. If you want to send me a story, go to Twitter, hashtag Dumb People Town, at Daniel Van Kirk. That's how I know you meant for me to see it. And you could be highlighted like Cindy was literally on my document. She's highlighted.

Ready? Firefighters rescue naked man stuck in wall. Yeah. Never the plan. So getting stuck in the wall. Did you get in the wall when you were naked or did you get naked when you were in the wall? Maybe this will get me you get naked when you were in the wall? And you're like, maybe this will get me out. Possibility, this is the porn parody of the Cask of Monteato.

Could be. Are there porn parodies of Edgar Allan Poe short stories? That's right. Yeah. So here's my question. Did the wall make him naked? The telltale dong. That's the other one.

There you go. Yeah. Thank you. Telltale fart? Anyway okay that's that's niche porn right there um all right here we go yes syracuse new york a man was rescued friday morning from inside a wall in the landmark theater after being stuck there for days if these if these walls could fuck sure why, why not? That's pretty good. Have you guys ever, you ever had an animal stuck in a wall? Like I remember as a kid,

our friends had a cat. Oh, they had a cat stuck in a wall. A cat got stuck in a wall. There was a rat in the wall. I was sleeping in the basement of my house until I moved recently, and there was just drywall walls, and there was rats in there. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced.

Because they're scratching. It's so loud. It's the worst. It's the worst. Yeah, there are rats in there. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced. Because they're scratching. It's so loud. It's the worst. Yeah, there are rats in my house right now. I've got to deal with it. In the down, down area? In the basement. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can hear them scratching. You say basement. I say down, down area. The down, down area? Sure. It's like the- Well, because there's a part of your house that's like- The trunk of your car you mean the way back?

It's like storage. It's not like- We have a room down there. It doesn't feel like a basement. But it's not really a basement because it's above ground. It's above ground. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's not on it's like storage. It doesn't feel like a basement. But it's not really a basement because it's above ground. It's above ground. It opens to the outside. All right, everybody.

Stop getting the technicalities of my basement. Montel Jordan here to perform down, down area. Down, down area. Also a great point. Okay. The man was rescued Friday morning from inside a wall in the Landmark Theater. We've had this happen before. Remember our friend who jumped between two buildings?

So we had a guy. So Jesse, years ago. So there was a guy who was trying to impress his date on a first date. First of all, if you end up, they were on a roof. Right. He was on a roof. They were both on the roof. Oh, was she on the roof too?

Yeah, I think they were both on the roof. Yeah, they were on the roof and he's like, watch this. I'll jump from one building to another. And by the way, it was only 18 inches between the two buildings. He slid down the middle and then got stuck in the bottom and had to get- Because it kind of got more narrow at the bottom. He had to blow out the wall of a Qdoba to save him. 18 inches is the exact amount of distance for maximum danger relative to the amount you're going to impress your dad.

Sure, that's right. Because you can screw it up and it go horribly wrong. He's like, there's no way that I'm going to get caught between. I'm making this. Yeah, well, she can't possibly be impressed by that. No. What is 18 inches? If I remember correctly, she would not admit if she would give him a second date by the end of the story.

They had asked her. This is like LeBron James' son lost a free throw shooting contest to a TikTok woman. Did that happen? Yes. And he had to give her his. She took his shoes. Why not? Stroke is stroke. If she's got a better stroke. I agree, but I'm And he had to give her his. She took his shoes. Why not? Stroke is stroke.

If she's got a better stroke, I agree, but I'm saying if you're LeBron James' son, it's an 18-inch gap. You can only lose. You cannot impress if you beat this. Even if you win, you didn't win anything.

You took a step like we all do all day. Yeah. You got stuck in a building. One foot in front of the other down the hole. We go. Around 7.30 a.m.,

the Syracuse Fire Department responded to a report of a man stuck in a wall in the theater. Syracuse Fire Deputy Chief John Kane said, an employee at the theater heard the man yelling for help and called 911. The fact that if you're in an old theater, they didn't just chalk this up to a ghost and leave you in there. It had to be a ghost. Right?

Because that's the ghost. Welcome to our haunted theater. Right. There's apparently a guy in the ghost. Right? Because that's the ghost. Welcome to our haunted theater. There's apparently a guy in the wall. Right. We just leave it there. How long has this been going? A few days? Ever before then?

No. You're sure it's a ghost? It's a theater. He hung himself after a- Bad performance. After showing a blazing saddles. The man got into the building at 326 South Salina Street, if you want to add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour,

on Tuesday. He'd been wandering around the theater earlier in the week, said Mike Intaglietta. I tried. Executive director of the theater. If you tried the Intaglietta, it's fantastic. It's a very, very flat noodle. They lightly shaved the parmesan on the

Intaglietta. It's fantastic. This is my favorite part of the Dumb People Town story, because you want to think that the dumb person is the guy who gets stuck in the wall, right? Of course. Naked in the wall. Employees who had seen the man, lost track of him, and thought he had left the building. There's no reason to believe he has left the building.

Yeah. And I'm just going to talk to all the assistant managers here. You saw a naked man running around. Am I right? Right. Yeah. And he's gone. Should we check?

I followed him for a time. And you just assume he's gone we should we should we check i followed him for for a time and you just assume he's out of the building at this kind of movies over anybody hearing the yelling i got a text i looked down and then he was gone i am sure he's he's very fast well what's he gonna be in the wall very slippery anything in your house was not one of your pets or one of your people you would never be like i assume that they're gone right you gotta do a sweep is what i'm saying no kid who's working a pimply faced kid who's working at a movie theater is gonna do a sweep right now for a naked guy i don't know why he was entering or if he just wanted to use the bathroom i don't know integral yet said wait he just wanted to use the bathroom they don't know the wall i don't. They didn't ask the questions. That seems like basic reporting.

I'm from National Public Radio. Sure. The first question I ask is, why'd you go in the wall naked? Right. Just spitballing. And you know what? Any answer will do. I just got to write something down.

This could be the whole story if we get this answer right. Right. I just need a quote. Can you give me a quote? You could say you heard a ghost. I don't care. I need to know. Right you give me a quote? You could say you heard a ghost. I don't care. I need to know. Right.

To be inspecting something. Anonymous sources say the man went into the wall naked because. Right. I don't even have to attribute it to you if you don't want to put your name on it. Also, we've talked about this. We've had advertisers where we promote this sort of thing. It is so hard to find good employees. Oh, yeah.

You don't want any employees who think anything will work itself out. Remember we were doing the St. Louis Bread Company, the great St. Louis Bread Company flood in Florida, where they were flooding the kitchen and they just let it keep going. And they were like, it'll probably go down. I guess like it's not built on a tilt. You just don't want anybody who thinks something will work itself out. That's right.

Ever. It never does. You have to fix it. Instead of leaving, the man got into a crawl space in the building, Kane said. He was in the hiding spot for how many days before he fell into a space in the wall of the men's bathroom and became trapped? So first he was in a crawl space. Yeah, just hanging out.

And then he went farther, like Tom Sawyer style. He just kept going deeper into the cave and ended up in a wall space. They just redid the bathrooms. They put in marble countertops. They couldn't have been happier about it. New fixtures, everything. And spaces. Right, right.

Leave it. Who's going to go down there? Trap spaces. What I love is how much space we have. And people aren't going to appreciate this when they go to the bathroom. It's the negative space behind the wall. It's the space behind the wall that we were able to do. And I'm just so happy we don't have to go in there and get anything out of it.

No, no. It's a human-sized man amount of space behind that sink. You could fit a man back there. That's what he's going to leave it. Why would you? He would just focus on the counters. Yeah. Jesse, how many days?

Jazz contractor. It's about the bathroom that you don't build. There you go. How many days? How many days do you think's about the bathroom that you don't build there you go how many days do you think he was stuck in the in the space i'm gonna say three days three days from jesse thorne that's so long i'm gonna say two days right no i'm gonna say two you said three i'm gonna say two one day okay one day he was stuck in the crawl space bathroom wall space for two days. There you go, Jay. Which is not enough time to really start starving, but enough time to think about a lot of things.

Yes, it is. Your body's going to start eating its internal organs. Oh, you definitely need to eat. But around the fourth day, you're in big trouble. What are some examples of things that you would be thinking about? Oh, my God. Wouldn't you self-evaluate? Mistakes.

Yes. Just mistakes that you regret. How did I get here? You're not back there solving the healthcare crisis. No. I mean, he would be the guy to answer your question, how did you get here? Yeah. And that's much more of an existential question.

You're probably around- How did we get here? He is having a healthcare crisis. He really is. He is. I would say probably around the 27th, 28th hour, you have definitely figured out how you're going to reconnect with your kids. I don't think his arm was caught, but I would say after the 27th hour, he probably cut off his hand. Anyway, just to do it.

You definitely didn't sleep. There's no sleeping in that scenario. No, right? You couldn't. Standing up? Maybe. I can't. I don't know.

I can, but I'm a horse. There you go. All right. Firefighters with rescue company number one drilled a hole in the wall and used a fiber optic camera to determine the man's exact location. To me, that just reads as somebody who wanted to use the fiber optic camera. Yes. Should we use it? No, I don't want to use that.

We don't need it. It's already in. It's already in the wall. I'm already using it. Where is that? You know the guy has it started, and he's like one inch away from the wall. Right. It's like, are we doing this?

We're not. We don't need it. We don't need it. We don't need it. We don't need it yet. Nope, it's already in. Sorry. Right here.

He's also like, I can see him. And they were like, we can hear him. He's over here. I can see him. If I knock on the wall, he'll scream. Right. Then they carefully cut through several layers of drywall and structural clay to free the man, they said. The man was naked when firefighters found him.

It's a treat. I know. Surprise. The man was transported to Upstate University Hospital for evaluation. He had no visible injuries but was suffering from dehydration. At this time, no criminal charges have been filed against the man. He's going to have to pay for that wall. I don't know. I kind of feel like they're like, you what we knew the space was there somebody should have found you randy how much can structural clay cost i would say structural

clay if you're gonna have to replace it is probably i mean the structural clay of that bathroom probably a good your wife is a designer. $2,000 worth of structural clay. Structural clay makes it feel like it's old to me, right? No. I feel like it's in Taos, New Mexico. Only mined from the house where the... Is it Barbara Kingsolver's lover? We'll get

out of here on this. How old is the man in the wall? Can I posit this? The man in the wall. They do Pink Floyd and Alice in Chains. That's it. Here's my question. What if this was the most creative stripper gram ever?

I hope when he came out of the wall, he was like, happy birthday. It's one of the firefighters. It's one of the firefighters' birthday. Like so dazed. It's one of the firefighters' birthday. Like, you guys. Jeff. You shouldn't have.

That's why you wanted me to use the camera. That's why. Happy birthday. Okay, how old do you guys think the man in the wall is? I'm the man in the wall. 38 years old. Like, if you told me that the man in the wall was a song that Paul McCartney tried to put in this Beatles documentary, but then they wouldn't let him do it,

so then that was like first song that was on the first Wings album, I'd be like, yeah, Man in the Wall. Man in the Wall. Listen what the man in the wall says. I'm going to say... You said 38. I said 38 years old. A little younger than me.

49. 49 years old. I really want it me. 49. 49 years old. I really want him to be like 73. Okay. Is that where you're going with? Yeah. 73. I don't know how he got up in the crawl space, but he definitely likes to, out in public,

show people that he can do jumping jacks all the time. You think it's Jack LaLanne? You want to see me kick above my head? Nope. No one does. No one wants to see that, Jack. All right. One of you is only one year off.

So now all of you get the option to go up a year or down a year. We all have to go up a year. I know. You had to go up a year or down a year. I'm going to 39. 39. 48. 48.

72. Okay. We will end story one right here by telling you all that the man on the wall is 39 years old. Way to go, Jesse Thorne. National Public Radio. Nonplussed. Very nonplussed.

As if he knew. He feels good. Who do you think the man on the wall is? I am. That's a wonderful thing. All right, Jesse Thorne is with us. We're going to find out all the great things he's doing on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town.

We got men in walls. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Thanks for tuning us in and turning us on.

And we have the great Jesse Thorne with us. He is, I would say, a pioneer in the podcasting world. It was probably one of the first podcasts we ever did was Jordan Jesse Go. And we have been doing that for over a decade. Yeah. With the wonderful boy. Every week. We should think of someone else to book on the show

I know we do it every week it's fine but a lot of fun I love that show so much it is a riff-tastic fast of joy Bullseye

which is your show on NPR what else am I forgetting what else can we judge John Hodgman that's the most popular of all of them legendary podcast

that Maximum Fun that you guys produce yeah absolutely I'm the bailiff on the show he's the bailiff on the show Popular of all of them. Legendary podcast, that Maximum Fun that you guys produce. Yeah, absolutely. I'm the bailiff on the show. He's the bailiff on the show. It's a wonderful show. God damn, that's a good show. You could always call that the podgecast as well.

Thank you for that. There you go. Do you mind if I take a quick break to write that down? Yes. Bail it to yourself. Uh-huh. But what else? How can people follow you and know what's going on?

Oh, sure. Well, I'm on Twitter, at Jesse Thorne. Great follow. And you know, it's the holiday season, so you can go to my vintage and antique store, the Put This On Shop, putthisonshop.com. That's real. That is a real shop. I didn't make that up.

No. Comedian Sarah Schaefer really does make little miniatures. She's amazing. She's amazing. And I really have a vintage and antique store. That's right. It's not just a bit we're doing. I want to get stuff from your vintage and antique.

So you always come in wearing something very cool. We accept PayPal. Hey, I will pay you and you are my pal. Great news. Boys, tell everybody what they're doing for New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve.

We'll tell you before that. Is this, does this come out? Yeah, this should drop. Yeah, this should drop. Okay.

So this coming weekend, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That would be the 10th, the 11th, and 12th. Of December, Tempe Improv. We're going to be there with our buddy Jeff Tice. It is a giant room. We would love to fill it with townies. So if you're in Phoenix, if you're in that area,

come see us there. You know people in that area? Please, let them know. And then New Year's. We never do New Year's, never. We are coming to the chicagoland area to the comedy shrine in aurora illinois home of wayne and garth uh please come see us uh we don't know how that night's gonna go we really don't you really don't why would you say that i know

exactly how it's gonna go i hope it's gonna be a ton of people who want to go out for new year's eve and you're giving them the best option so there you go right jesse people are gonna be pretty disappointed that 2021 is over. I know. We're going to usher in hopefully a better year. A new life. We're going to usher in the Omicron. We'll do it all together. Yes. So we really want to see you guys out there. Please, please, please come join us.

Again, this is like taking a pound of flesh out of us to leave our families on New Year's, and we are doing it so we want it to be a pleasurable experience. I bet it's going to be. It's your show. There's all that and all that stuff and then our Patreon,

patreon.com slash cloudbrothers. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats, Cheaper Seats and upcoming, I think this month, we've got the Balloon World Cup.

Oh, thank goodness. It is the mother effing Guys trying to keep a balloon in the air against each other. Against each other around cars and pouches. It's Peru versus Germany.

I mean, the age old battle. The World War II. I had a lot It's Peru versus Germany. I mean, the age old battle. The World War II. I had a lot of money riding on it. I'm so glad I went with the team that the octopus picked. Yeah.

That's right. So, Peru versus Germany. It's the Nazis and it's where all the Nazis went to hide after they were Nazis. It's a great battle.

It's so much fun. It's, I mean, it's one of the funnest. Just new episodes of Cheap Seats is a blast. Get a new one every month it's one of the funnest. Just new episodes of Cheap Seats is a blast. Get a new one every month. And well, in the coming year,

we have a very big announcement that we will make, but I don't think we can make it right now. So we're not going to do it right now, but in the coming year when we can make this announcement, we will. Another very exciting project that we will be psyched to share with you. So supersclosets.com, check that out.

Daniel Van Kirk, let people know what you got. Oh, all I'll say is this Thursday night, if you're in Houston, come hang out with me that would be the 9th of december i'm doing stand-up at the secret group everything i'm doing otherwise good times good hangs is at daniel van kirk dot com and look for my tour to start back up in march dates being announced soon all right let's jump into another ready shall we let's do it sent in by carlene mcdermott at she be carlene one of our favorite people to send in stuff. All right, ready?

A couple use surrogates to have a lot of babies. That seems responsible to go through a surrogate, and then they completely took the responsible thing. Way too far. Right. Christina and Gallop Ozturk have a big family. Gallop Ozturk? Sounds like the name of Jesse Thorne when he walked in. Someone must carry on the Ozturk have a big family. Gallop Ozturk? Sounds like the name of Jesse Thorne when he walked in.

Someone must carry on the Ozturk name! But we can't have children. We'll do it at a light trot. No, we'll do it at a gallop. In the past 19 months, the couple who live in the country Georgia have used surrogates to welcome how many biological

children into their family? So in the past 19 months... By the way, have you been, I'm serious. They're harvesting children. Jesse Thorne's Antique Shop not only sells surrogates and babies, but you can buy a Gallup-Turgut. Oz Turk. You can buy a Gallup Oz Turk just for your driveway. It's fantastic.

An original Gallup Oz Turk. It still works. Thank you very much. How many biological children? You are our guest. You can go first, second, or you can go third if you want to.

Well, I mean, we're talking about surrogacy. People who are struggling themselves to have children. It's probably their dream to have a family. So I'm going to go with one child, right?

I mean, it's an expensive process. Sure. That seems very sensible. Often people have gone through a lot of steps to have children, between the two of them, biologically considered adoption. So I'm going to say one child. Okay.

That's a very conservative. And some people would say one is a lot. Yeah. One is a lot. More than they can handle. I'm going to say seven. Seven. I'm going to say 13.

How many times, Jesse, have you said to people about your antiques shop, the lamp still works? Just all the time. That's a phrase that you say two, three times a day. Honestly, you know how Steve Martin had to get business cards printed up that say, I've met Steve Martin? Yeah. I have to get them printed up that say, yeah. The lamp still works.

It gets so tired. People coming up to me in airports. Does it? Hey, I saw that lamp. Does that still work? Does that? The lamp still works. Still works. Tiffany?? Does that still work? Yeah, still works. Tiffany, it still works.

It still works. Okay, so run it back for me. Seven, 13, one. Yeah, I'm going to do this responsible. In the past 19 months, Christina and Galapagos Turk have created a family with 21 children. What? In 19 months. In 19 months. I can tell you one thing. My? In 19 months. In 19 months.

I can tell you one thing. My days are never boring, Christina recently told The Sun. Good. I'm glad that's now taken care of. The Ozturk's youngest baby is- They got all of Seinfeld on Netflix now. Yeah.

All of it. You know what kids are a great cure for? Boredom. Yes. They really do solve the boredom issue. How can I not be bored? 21 kids. At that point, you are not a family.

You're a boarding school. Yeah, 21 kids is like a Hebrew school, essentially. 21 kids salute. That's like an Oliver situation, right? Yes. You're either passing out gruel or they're an army of pickpockets. Yes, or hopefully both. Or gypsies.

Or it's a TLC show waiting to happen. Here's my question. And 21 makes family or whatever. So is it worse to be the 11th in that or the 15th child in that? I don't know. Or on some level, if you don't really ever know anything else, is it great? It might be amazing. Dan, I have two kids, as you know.

They say three kids are definitely four. One kid tends to get lost in the shuffle. Our cousin has five kids, and that, to me, seems like an enormous amount of kids. She's like, it's hard. 21. 21. I have two kids, and a lot of times I think of them, and I'm like, one of you is going to get neglected. All I have is enough for one and a third. I have enough

for one and a third kid. I have three kids and the youngest one lamp doesn't work. Lamp doesn't work. Eventually it will. The Ozturk's youngest baby is three months old and their oldest is 19 months old. 21 kids under 19 months.

In addition to the babies, the couple live with Christina's six-year-old from a previous relationship and one... How bad is it to be that kid? You're not enough. You're not enough! This is what they call a blended family. You're good to babysit, right? We're going to go out

for dinner. That's right. They also live in there as one of Gallup's nine older children. He's got nine older children? He has nine older children. One of them still lives in the home, so maybe that kid's like 16. So they wanted to get to 31. They wanted to get to 31. So if it's a lottery ticket approach,

you just keep going. One of them will turn pro. Somebody is going to be going to support all of us. You know how when you get addicted to plastic surgery? This is that. Can we get another one to give us a baby? Experts say that though the family size is extremely unusual, it's not necessarily an unhealthy dynamic,

especially if the Ozturks have the money and emotional resources to support their children. No one has the emotional resources to support those children. Isn't that the same sentence if you have one kid or three? As long as you have the emotional resources. Can I be frank with you guys? Yes, please. I don't have the emotional resources frank with you guys yes yes i don't have the emotional resources to support me that's right let alone amen nothing everything

lamp doesn't work on you i rely on pharmaceuticals could it be said that anything can be healthy as long as you have the money and emotional resources to support the decision yeah yeah anything yeah you want to like walk across the entire like the entire united states hey if you've got the money and the resources do you want to have a three-way yes if you have the money and the emotional resources to do it you can have a three is it called a three-way 21 children a three-way or a pet serval are three things right if you have the money and the emotional resources you can do it i mean they can leap extraordinary distances, the Serval. Yeah, oh, they're amazing.

So can a 19-month-old baby. What is important? 18 inches or more. What is important? Is it safe? Is it nurturing? Are basic needs being met? This is true, again, if you're watching a kid, this is all true.

Are those Servals, those cats with like super- Yes, they're like 40 grand. And they're super sharp teeth. They look like mountain lions. They look like tiny mountain lions that have an extra foot attached to the bottom of their leg. Right, exactly. A foot in length. Right.

And they're like super tall, violent- They're like murdering machines. I don't know that they're violent. Like a double height lynx or something like that. Right. Yes, that's a great way to put it. They're small. They're like bobcat sized, but they're like three feet tall. And they couldn't murder violent. Like a double height lynx or something like that. Right. Yes. That's a great way to put it. They're small. They're like bobcat sized,

but they're like three feet tall. They're gorgeous. And they couldn't murder somebody. They're so beautiful. Who said, I love a bobcat. I just don't like how short they are. Who said we need... Someone's got to engineer this. The good lord said it. That's who. Someone's got to

engineer this in a way. Why are you having that serval cat, Mike? I want it, goddammit. I bought it myself. I know you did, but you don't have the resources. Why did you just go get a bobcat? Deb said I couldn't, and she's gone, and I got a goddamn serval. But a bobcat wasn't good enough for you? It would have been good enough, but it wasn't good enough for Deb.

So I got a serval, and then her ass left. Okay, so now you're stuck with the cat. So height was an issue for you as far as the bobcat was concerned. I like a lanky. Look at that. All right. Okay. All right.

So as long as it's nurturing, basic needs are met, and there's trust and communication. Again, fits into any relationship. You know what the communication is going to be between those two adults? None. They won't even pass it. Why did you do this? Why did you do it? You thought this was a good idea?

F you is what it's going to be all day. Also, I would say if you want 21 kids, adopt 21 kids. Yeah, but this is also what Jay is right. The relationship will be a blame passing. Someone's going to, before they slam a door, yell, you wanted this. I did, and then the door slams right kendall phillips a licensed professional counselor told insider as long as those elements are in place and those who are in charge of the family are mentally and emotionally stable then size doesn't matter well well size does matter

don't say that but also again sure if you're if you're mentally emotionally stable sure you know what's fun is uh sitting around the dinner table with your family and having a great conversation. It can't be done with 21 people. It cannot be done. Speaking of getting a quote, can you imagine being a child-rearing professional and just getting a call from the son?

Yeah. How about 21? What do you think of that? You're right. That is the quote. As long as the financial. And the emotional. You're totally right. They were like were like yes if you can afford it and everybody can be taken care of and the kids

are treated as individuals you know that phone call comes at 359 on a friday yeah you know what i mean and it's like i i just want to get out of here for the weekend this is for publication will my name be used to To provide that healthy environment, the Ozturks rely on how many live-in nannies? Okay, so they are providing. So they do have some money. Yes. I think they're wealthy.

I'm going to say, Jesus, 21 babies, 10 live-in nannies. 10 from Jason Sklar, Jesse Thorne. Are you going to say eight live-in nannies? Eight. It's seven brides for seven brothers. Then it is 15 nannies for 21 kids. Okay. If you want to have that many nannies, you've got to pick a pocket or two.

Some kids are going to end up being pickpockets, and that is not what you wanted for them. I have eight nannies on this. That's right. I got 10 nannies. I got 15 nannies. One of you is only one off. Okay, great. Adjust it.

Wow. I'm going to say 14. 14? I'm going to go down to nine because of my confidence in Jesse Thorne. I'm saying seven nannies. Okay. The amount of nannies that they have living in this home to help keep it emotionally and mentally stable for everyone is 16.

Oh, my God. Wow. They also have a variety of personal chefs, cleaners, and assistants. No shit, Christina said on Instagram, adding that the nannies were not assigned specific children but rotated around from kid to kid. This is a boarding school. It's an orphanage.

Exactly. If you want it, you should have bought a boarding school. Imagine a chore wheel. A chore wheel is amazing. It's the size of a wall. Now, think about the intimacy, though, they have as a family. Think of how in three years. This is literally a family business.

Think of in three years how many soccer balls they're going to be able to lace in that place. Oh, my God. It's an insane amount of. They've just become a Nike outpost. Megan Markham, a psychologist, said that this art could still lead to. Isn't she the Duchess of Youth? I have a huge problem with Megan Markham, a psychologist said that this art could still lead to a huge problem with Megan Markham. Meaningful bonds. It is possible for a caregiver like a nanny to provide a secure attachment.

And this is often the case when both parents are working full-time jobs. I'm going to run this down for you. Here are the babies. Ready? Let's hear them. One. Hey, Lynn Braylon,

Rylan Braylon, 19 month old Mustafa. Orky. Hard. Three, 18 months old, Miriam, Aaron, and Alyssa. 217 months old, Hassan and Judy. Hassan and Judy

just to me sounds like a Belle and Sebastian album that was never released. 316 months old, Harper, Teresa, and Hussein. 215 months old, Anna and Isabella. 314 months old, Ismael, Mahet, and Ahmet. Two 13-month-old, Allie and Christina.

Two 12-month-old, Sarah and Lachman. One 11-month-old, Gallop. He got the name. He finally got someone to carry on his name. One 9-month-old, Olivia, and one 3-month-old, Judy. So there's another Judy. J-U-D-I and J-U-D-Y.

They need a third Judy. Judy, Judy, Judy. Judy, Judy, Judy. Another great cover band. Judy. Markham said that typically the advantage of having siblings close in age is they provide one another with playmates. On the other hand, being close in age can lead to sibling rivalry.

Oh, you're going to get all of it. Fighting. Phillip said there's no predicting how siblings will bond. She's going to be Lord of the Flies up in this place. She worked with twins who weren't close like you guys and with siblings with a large age gap who were close like you guys. Relationships

in general, even siblings, come down to personalities and the general makeup of the family and its dynamics. Age becomes less as a factor over time and life choices may become a factor over time and life choices may become a factor over time no shit the first thing you have to do is if you're in a family of 21 you take piggy's glasses that's right smash that's right that's right kill the pig slit her throat drink her blood yes there's no way you know where all these kids are all the time find the fattest the

biggest guy get the biggest guy and punch him in the face. Let him know you're crazy. You cannot be stopped. We'll close it out here. It is not traditional to have many children, she said, but if those who choose to do so can do it with love, comfort, care, safety, and trust. Again, if you can do it, we're just saying it's impossible to do. There's no way.

And why didn't you adopt? There are lots of children in this world who need it. So many children need families. I know. You went. There's no way. And why didn't you adopt? There are lots of children in this world who need it. So many children need families. I know. You went out and made 21 babies. You went out

and made 21. No, you made 21 other people have babies. You made so many babies you ran out of names for the babies. That's right. Judy too.

Go back on Judy again. Judy too. I got 21 babies and a third Judy ain't one. Oh, that's so funny. All right, that's story number two. Wow. Stupidity.

Agreed. We got one more story left. Can you tease the third final story? The headline can do it for me. Beer Runners. Beer Runners. I love it. And Patreon fans, Jesse Thorne's going to tell us a story of something dumb.

Yeah, join the DPT Patreon page. It's a beauty. It's fun. Lots of good stuff. Lots of great levels. There's more DPT with page. That's a beauty. It's fun. Lots of good stuff. Lots of great levels. There's more DPT with Jesse Thorne right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town.

All right, Daniel. Take us home. Okay, ready? There's a fun little story about beer runners. My whole thing is like, what was the plan? That's my question. It's always a good question to ask. Is Beer Runners the dumb people town version of Blade Runner?

It's the broken lizard version of Blade Runner. All right. Brian Craig Sandalis sent this in at BC Star 80. Are we sure that's not three people? It could be Brian Craig and Sandalis. Entering a store in the 800. This is also very oddly written. So entering a store in the 800 this is also very oddly written so uh entering a store in the 800 block of southern boulevard a man was on a mission that mission a timeless classic whoever's writing

this wants to get out of the newspaper business god i gotta i gotta when i live in san francisco there was this uh there was this person who wrote the newsletter for our police station who would just write the craziest you know like there's just like a list of crimes that happened in your name and it was just it would be like these miscreants absconded with it you'd be like what you just picture this person is just like this is it this is my week i'm going for it they're like i'm on a typewriter i will like search for them in my email inbox from 2006 and just read them for fun. These miscreants. Oh, that's funny.

You should just make that a podcast. Yeah, exactly. That mission, a timeless classic, was the procurement of multiple intoxicating beverages. On his mission, and seemingly singularly focused, the man walked straight to the beer cooler, selected one 12-pack and one 18-pack, and began heading towards the exit. I like that this entire thing reads like someone writing a book report who

didn't read the book. I put a lot of big words in to cover up what I don't know. Three dollar words in a one dollar story. Two and a half space. My 13 point. My 14-year-old will often ask me to proofread like or listen to and proofread for fluctuation and stuff on some of the essays she's writes and there are a lot of times where she

basically circulates or pushes the peas around the plate so to speak in many ways and i'm like you gotta say something like you know this is very these are the three reasons for which i believe the thing that i believe and for that reason these are the three reasons and you're like you didn't say you didn't say what the reasons are push it down the road let's talk about the miscreants what did they do okay so this guy walks in my mom was a junior college professor and 20 of the papers that she received should have just said, I want to be a fireman. Yes. I don't want to write ever.

I remember one time I had a college professor write, I'm not sure you understood the assignment, Dan. And the fact that they wrote my name, I was so pissed off. That hurts even more. I was like, you should be glad I even did the assignment. You're welcome. I was a horrible student. One time in AP English class, Mr. LaCure wrote on one of my papers, I fear you may never take anything in life seriously.

And you laughed at that. You laughed at that. You know what? Fuck you, LaCure. On Dumb People Town, getting that guap. That's right. You live on a fucking boat, Mr. LaCure. That's right.

Look at me. Antique store. The lamps still work. Telling people how you knew Lawrence Ferlinghetti. You live in a fucking boat. That's right, buddy. Bitch. It's not even a nice boat.

Of course not. It's a houseboat. It's a dinghy. It's a houseboat in Sausalito. So this guy walks in, gets an 18-pack and a 12-pack. Though an employee suggested that he pay for the beer, the man's mission, it would seem, was focused on only the procurement of, not

paying for, the beverages. Alright, just shut up. Guy walks in the store, takes beer without paying. As he left the store with his nearly $40 worth of stolen suds, he was joined by an accomplice who had been outside the store keeping watch. Together, the pair took off running. Watching for outdoor beer.

I know. Watching for what? They also took off running. They didn't have a car, so they're underage. Did they hop in their getaway car or run to a nearby safe house? No. Safe house! They were caught walking down a nearby street in broad daylight with stolen beer in their

hands. Though they claimed they purchased the beer, they had no receipt. That's right. The employee, who had the audacity of suggesting that the man pay for the beer, was driven to the location and positively identified the perpetrators. They were both arrested. I feel like

Brian Cox should be reading this whole thing. Yes. In succession. Throwing a random fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. But like, what is the plan here? You have no way of getting away. Dan, I'm going to go out on a limb.

Drink beer. Yes. Well, that is the plan. Accomplished. We're going to drink some beer. Drink beer. Don't pay for beer. And the fact that it was a 12 pack and an 18 pack, you know that they had an order.

I want one of these. Okay, because I want this. You go in and get it and then we'll in the middle of daylight we're just gonna walk around drink 30 30 well so then how are we gonna get it well there's an 18 pack and a 12 pack where do you get your beers i'm getting it out of a refrigerator yeah right that's it and you know they called them beers yeah oh yeah that's the plural beer for them and to it casually, probably walked in and was like, you guys have beers? You guys have beers?

Where's the beers? Where do you keep the beers? So anyway, that's our little snippet story number three. I have no idea what their plan was. I don't know what they were trying to achieve. How old do you think they were? I mean, they have to be children. 15? 14? No. Well, that's because they didn't say the name,

so maybe they would be. This is the culmination of a lifetime of bad decisions. Yeah. 53 and 56. So here's my question. Are these people that didn't have the money to buy the beer and then just bought it and then ran out, or are they because most people have a car? Do you think this might be a Winona Ryder situation

where they're doing it for the thrill? Yeah, maybe. That's it. Winona Ryder, by the way, is my favorite Grateful Dead song. Thank you. There you go. China Cat Sunflower into Win. That's it. Winona Ryder, by the way, is my favorite Grateful Dead song. Thank you. There you go. China Cat Sunflower into Winona Ryder. Into Winona Ryder.

Can you think of another? No. Fillmore West, April 22nd, 1972. Winona Ryder gonna miss me when I'm gone. Jesse Thorne. Sorry, number three, my friends. There you go. Dude, you are the best

it's so what a wonderful treat it is to hang with you we gotta have you come on and do a fantasy report or two it's a joy a joy always

to visit with you I'm glad I got those specifics from Edgar Allen Poe and Lord of the Flies into the conversation I got it all in there these glasses

hey for our fans out there start listening to Jordan Jesse Go if you don't it's such a freaking treat you'll love it I mean if you like dumb people Got it all in there. These glasses. Hey, for our fans out there, start listening to Jordan, Jesse, go. If you don't, it's such a freaking treat. You'll love it. I mean, if you like dumb people.

If you like dumb, it's magical, dumb riffing nonstop for the full time. Pure fun and goodness. I'll tell you this, Jason. Yes. A lot of listeners out there are wondering right now. They've heard about the sandwich store in Columbus, Ohio that sells a Wario-themed sandwich with Wario sauce on it. And they're wondering, does Wario sauce mean Wario's come? And that's a question that you can only hear and find out the answers to on Jordan Jesse Go. And unlike a man stuck in a wall, you're going to find out answers because you are an NPR reporter and you like to get down to business.

Get down to the bottom of things. I love it. All right, guys. That is the show. We love you guys so much. And, oh, shit, we you like to get down to business. Get down to the bottom of things. I love it. All right, guys. That is the show. We love you guys so much. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, make a sound, come here down, it's Dumb People Town.