Dumb People Town - Jessica Kirson - Cool Dad

Episode Date: July 14, 2020

This week Jessica Kirson comes to town to celebrate Dumb with Daniel, Jason and Randy. In the first story, a Florida man encourages a young driver to speed while driving. In story two, a man drinks too much and seeks the company of monkeys. In the third story a Florida man gets in a frisbee accident with an alligator. 

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Kirsten. jessica curson welcome to the show how are you i'm good i'm so happy to be with you guys you know this is one of the benefits of the pandemic and we orchestrated the pandemic so just so we could have all of our new york friends on our podcast because usually we like to do it in person and if we get a we get a lucky moment where we see you at a comedy festival and get to hang with you and watch you. But this is like we're bridging the gaps across the country here. And it just makes me so happy that we get to riff and have fun with you.

I love it, too. I love seeing you guys. Thank you. Well, let's jump into it. My question to every guest that comes on the show, and I'm curious to hear what your opinion is. Do you feel like the world's getting dumber by the day, or are we just finding out more about the dumb stuff that's happening? Do we have better access to the dumb stuff? I think it's both. I think a lot of people are getting dumber by the day.

And then I think that a lot of us are seeing how dumb people are and it's very frightening it is frightening so frightening what is a smart person to do in these times i get a gun and just stay home and protect their family i think i mean it's well or we could make fun of it and that's what we do on this show that's what we have to do yes we have to have to make comedy out of it. And you are such a great stand-up. If anybody hasn't seen her do stand-up, who's listening to this show, you absolutely want to check her out. And we'll find out all about the stuff

she has going on at the top of the next segment. But first, we're going to jump into a story. And here's how we get our stories, Jessica, just so you know. So, our fans who are amazing, they're out. They're like our little dumb boots on the ground. They find these stories, and you can send them to Daniel Van Kirk.

If you just do hashtag dumb people town, Dan will then break down the story. He gets it in the time stamp, and we can give credit to where credit is due. So let's jump into one story right now, our first one right now with Jessica Kerr. Okay, are you ready? Yep.

Here we go. Sent in by Sean Anderson, at Sean, that's s-h-a-w-n-e 70 i don't know if i'm familiar with that form of spelling s-h-a-w-n-e yeah never heard of it okay my middle name is s-h-a-w-n and oh i like that maybe you should add an e on it jessica that is a great name by the way uh all right here we go ready i like it i love the logic on this and i specifically wanted to use this story jessica with you being here because here it goes jupiter florida a florida man is facing felony charges after police said he let a minor drive his suv and told her to speed because he wanted to be quote a cool father even though he's not her dad does that apply if it's not your kid you can't be a cool mom or a cool dad to me it feels like

one of those like indoor parachuting places skydiving where like you didn't you just wanted the feeling without any of the fear he wanted to feel like a dad without any of the responsibility and obviously he lives a lot of his life without any of the responsibility oh yeah yeah what i just think that's completely insane i think he's mentally ill yeah i mean i am too but not you know i am in a good way yeah you're productive you're in a way that makes comedy better right right and i just i think that's very strange it's like it reminds me of like an amber alert but you have the person driving it's so crazy right it's like you make someone what if that was the amber alert that was like amber alert

there's a child in a 97 pontiac sunfire and then it says, child is driving. Well, no, it'd be Amber Alert. You're driving. Amber Alert, driver is Amber. Right. Yes, exactly. And so is the Pontiac Sunfire. Here, kid, you kidnap me. That's the color of the energy. By the way, putting himself at risk,

my daughter is 15, my oldest daughter. I'm going to have to teach her how to drive soon. Sure. There's a lot of empty parking lots right now there are but my question is like i don't know if i'd trust her to drive a getaway car and speed right they haven't committed any crime other than her driving he just wanted to be a cool father even though he's not her dad look i get that i get wanting to be a cool i gave my daughter this morning at 9 47 a an oreo popsicle bought it at a store with her because that's a big deal

that was dumb how old are your twins you have twins right i do i mean i have four daughters i have four yeah what are the ages what are the ages um it's one is going to be 14 one is four and a half and i have twin one year olds oh it's great. I know I'm like 68 and I have 46 kids. I can't even happening to you. Are you, I just, I can't say no. Yeah.

You know, you have about portion control. It's about portion control. It's the same. Yeah. It's the same with my weight. It's really, it's a problem.

By the way, you look great. Are you dieting? What are you doing in this pandemic? No, I've actually, thank you. it's a problem. By the way, you look great. Are you dieting? What are you doing in this pandemic? Oh, that, no, I've actually, thank you. That's so sweet. I've probably gained like eight to 10 pounds since I've seen you guys.

Cause I can't, I just, it's very hard being home all the time. I'm eating Jenny Craig while we're doing this. Don't worry. Don't shame yourself, Jay. Get it. You do it, Jay. Do it.

I did Jenny Craig. I lost a ton of weight. Right. It's real because it's like don't basic bitch so am i it's okay wait so so my question and i don't know why we're not asking this question is why is he with this girl yeah like i don't think she did like who is she to him also jessica right back story for you we did a story it's almost probably two years ago now where we did a story about a guy who stole

cars and he like would just move them a couple blocks away and then leave them there because he wanted his like 18 year old son to think he was cool because his son was a criminal and he felt like he wasn't bonding with him so he wanted to seem cool to his rebel kid does your 14 year old think you're cool does she get it yes she she gets it she's funny i bet she's so goddamn funny hysterical yeah and she's an actress and a singer like same with wait same with my 15 year old i bet they'd be best friends oh my god yeah mine is she's gonna make it before i do yeah she's amazing she's gonna make it before we do yours okay i'll dig into this i i'll go ahead i just think it's very weird i think it's um i i you know know, it's so funny because we're talking about how crazy people are and how dumb they are.

And it's everywhere. Yeah, everywhere. It's everywhere. It's the pandemic. It's happening so much. It's the pandemic. It's the pandemic. It's the pandemic.

When I get these stories sent to me, I'm not shitting you guys. when i get these stories sent to me i'm not shitting you guys there's probably like every third or fourth one i check the date because i'm like oh this must be an old story like this happened a couple years ago but it's like it's happening right now like who's yeah like doing this right now it's not locking down dumb the no is able to it's giving them more time like wide open spaces the dixie chicks song like the dumb is getting stronger and stronger right yeah okay so let's hear the details of this sean s-h-a-u-n michelson told the arresting officer monday he is friends with the girl's mother and that the girl and her friend were staying with him for a few days he said the girl had asked earlier in the day if i know i know i know back up jessica's face i know i know i was just trying to plow through it because i had the same feeling when i read it

what is going on i know by the end of it you don't feel like it's as creepy as it feels right now though i promise because i wouldn't do the story i know but, but I'm just saying like, where does the mom have to be that she needed to work at Circuit City? That she needed her friend's dad to watch her daughter. She needed her friend to watch her daughter and her daughter's friend. And her daughter's friend. And her daughter's friend. So now you've involved the parents of the friend. I know.

Picture that. Can I go stay at Michelle's house? Who's going to be there? Her mom. But sometimes we get watched by her mom's friend, but he's really cool. Okay. We're going to sleep over at this man's house. All right, mom. Sounds good. Don't drive any cars. Just go the speed limit.

Yeah. If you do happen to drive, and I know you're not allowed to drive, but just like Jessica said, go the speed limit. Picture a good apple cop, right? Let's do it. know you're not allowed to drive, but just like Jessica said, go to the speed limit. Picture a good apple cop, right? Let's do it. And you're the guy, and he goes, the hell you got these two kids for? And the guy goes, oh, I'm friends with the mom. They're staying with me for a couple of days. Picture that good apple cop's face.

He's like, no, hold on. There is no wind here. The more you say it, the creepier and the worse it is. Yeah, because what else is he doing to be a good dad? Or cool. Or cool. A cool dad. Yeah.

What is he letting them do? Like drink? You guys want to smoke? No. Smoke. All right. He said the girl had asked earlier in the day if she could drive his Jeep. So he thought, quote, it would be cool.

That's what he said. Jesus. That's the quote he gives the paper oh man i can't believe this guy has kids and that he was who said he has kids he said he wants to be a cool dad but even though he's not a dad he's not a dad at all he wants to feel what he thought and that he was trying to be a quote cool father the police report says okay i'm going to make an analogy that jessica will understand we all will understand all. This is like when someone's kind of funny around the office is like, I want to be a standup comedian.

Yeah. It's not as easy as you think it is. It's not like, let me just say yes to this fun thing. And then I'm suddenly a dad. Yeah. That's a ton of Jewish relatives of mine. Yeah.

I can do it. Jessica does. Yeah. They're like, I can do it. Tell the one about the, I should be a comedian jessica does yeah they're like i can do it tell the one about the i should be a comedian no you shouldn't you're like uncle uncle eddie i know it looks like there are only two steps up to the stage but those two steps take 10 years to get to did you guys hear

did you any any of you listen to mike myers on conan o'brien needs a friend no i haven't heard oh my god it's the most family like a family member saying something to Conan goes that his dad said to him. I like that Mike Myers, you know, he does a couple of projects and then he just can do whatever he wants. You have to earn your money every night. Like Conan said, it was the most distilled down feeling of like,

yeah, yeah, nothing I'm doing. I have to go back out every day and get it again and meanwhile every single one of us would kill for a platform oh of course yeah yeah are you kidding me yeah um yeah be the greatest okay so he says he also told officers that he had been drinking i feel like that's the order they were like what happened here he the first thing that's what else happened? Forget about having her drive. What else happened?

I've been dreaming. What else happened in that house? That's what this story should be called. What else happened? You girls want to pour me some pink schnapps? Jupiter officer. That's all we got left. That and Ruppelmintz.

And I hate Ruppelmintz. Okay. Jupiter officer Craig Yochum said in his arrest report that I know sometimes that's their own improv name, said that he spotted the Jeep making a legal U-turn and then speed away at around 1210 a.m. Monday. It's already too late to be out driving. Again, the balls on this underage girl to make an illegal U-turn. I know. Who does she think she is? I know. That's a move you do after you've been driving for like three years. Right. It's like doing a K-turn. Michelle, you're going to want to whip a U-turn here.

Do it. Oh, I'm so cool. And turn into the turn. Go faster. Go faster. He has no idea. The cop followed the Jeep, and the Jeep reached speeds of how fast do you guys think this child was driving? And then we will guess eventually how old the child is, but how fast do you think the

child is going in a 45 mile per hour zone that the officer pulled him out? 93 miles. Great guess, Jay. I'm going to say 70. 70 from Jason. I'm going to say 85. 85. One of you is exactly right. So now

we get to play the game of who do you think is exactly right? Are you confident in your own choice, Jessica? Yes, I am. I have a weird feeling about it. I have a weird feeling about mine too. So do I. I'm going to stick with mine. He followed the Jeep in a 45 mile per hour zone.

Before he was able to pull it over, it reached speeds of 85 miles per hour. Oh! We were all in the same area. Still, it's like ridiculous to be 40 miles per hour. Remember when you were just yelling, drive faster, drive faster? The cop said that when he asked the child

why she was driving so fast, she said that Mickelson told her to. You were right! What's happening? What is happening in this world? What is happening in this world? Nicholson is charged with child neglect, allowing an

unauthorized person to drive, and causing a minor to become delinquent for buying girls' vape pens. I know. He wanted to be cool. There's so much more to this. He said that they requested them. That's not the excuse. It doesn't matter. You have to be cool there's so much more to this he said that he that they requested them that's not

the excuse it doesn't matter you have to be the idiot uh he's being held without bond in the palm beach county jail by the way the mom should be sent should be sentenced to something who is she leaving them with i know buying them vape pens they're driving how old do you think the girl was that was driving 85 miles per hour, vape pen in the mouth, flipping a U-turn? You are a guest. You can go first, Tig, or third. Twelve. Twelve. Okay.

Dude, that's a good guess. I'm going to say 13. I do think it's in this range. I'm going to say 11. 11. 11. Shit. That's crazy, but I mean, it's just's just you know you have a 14 year old in

new york a 14 year old in jupiter florida you might be able to leave them by themselves okay so yeah you're right one of you yeah is exactly right oh so jessica do you think you're right you said she's 13 12 or 11 i mean are you gonna stick with yours i think she's 13, 12, or 11? I mean, are you going to stick with yours? I think she's... I might. I don't know why. Maybe 11. Okay. So you think it's me.

I don't know. I think I'm right. So your guess is 12, but you think Randy's right. And I think I'm right. Mine is 13, and I'm sticking with it. Okay. Okay. The girl who drove 85 miles per hour in a 45 mile per hour zone with her vape pen and

her friend who I assume was terrified is we'll get out of here story one on this she is 12 years old i mean you still get credit for the win just not for the secondary level you get it oh my god yes jessica curson has come in on fire 12 year olds now i mean some people treat them like they're 20 or 16. So here's the beauty of this podcast. And we're going to take a break. We'll come back with two more great stories. Uh,

is that no matter what you've done, bad parenting wise to your 14 year old. And I've, God knows I've screwed up massively with my own 12 year old and my own 15 year old. Uh, you always feel better. You didn't do this.

At least you didn't do that. Yeah. So that's good. All right we're gonna take a break jessica kirsten is with us we're gonna find out all the great stuff she's doing on the other side of this it's dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around look us down for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dumb people town we Town. We have Jessica Kirson with us. Please follow her on all social media. Tell people how to follow you, please. I am at jessicurson.com and at jessicurson on Instagram. And I have my own podcast, Relatively Sane.

It's so good. I saw some of the clip that just got put out with Bronger when you guys were talking about the Holocaust Museum. I know. And the German guy in line. People need to be listening to Relatively Sane. Please listen to this podcast. She is so funny and so great.

And I'm sad that we don't live in the same damn city. Well, who knows where we'll all end up? I mean, we might have to. Who knows? We might have to go to an island. Maybe the middle of the country will just sink and New York and LA. We'll just kind of merge together. And we'll, you know,

that would be beautiful actually. Wouldn't that be nice? Uh, and you have a Netflix, it was a Netflix special. Where's the last. I have a comedy central special. Yeah.

That Bill Burr produced. Um, and it came out and then the pandemic came out. So the special went nowhere, but anyway, that's on comedy central. Dot com, right? You can watch it. Yeah. And on Amazon and all kinds of, yep. Well, I've seen a lot of the material from it and it is damn good.

We've watched you do sets and stuff. Again, you guys will, our fans will love you for those who don't know you. I'm sure a lot of them already do, but our fans will love you. And I'm so happy you're here and And I know you've got limited time. So let's jump into another story. You want to do it? Okay, ready? Number two.

I'm still laughing that he's eating Jenny Craig. Let's move on. So bad. How is Jay still eating it? That's the crazy thing. You're not supposed to have six portions. It's so Jewish. They say put down the fork in between bites.

A non-Jew would not be eating Jenny Craig during a podcast. No. Only Jason. It's true. I figured it'd be okay to eat it during a podcast because all the vegetables are wilted, so you won't hear a single crunch. Just don't eat the containers, because that's how I gain the weight back. You can't eat the containers. Ah, crap.

Okay, you ready for this? Yep. Sent in by Jen Amity, at j amity 51 thank you sent into at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town here we go when attleboro police asked a man who they had just arrested why he had broken into the capron park zoo monday night he reportedly told them he had gotten drunk and wanted to see the monkeys which is the most straight up answer he's at that level of drunk where he will tell you anything you want to know the truth right why are you angry my dad left when i was a kid you're gonna get a straight answer from this guy no matter if he can't walk a straight line

you're still gonna get a straight what from this guy. No matter if he can't walk a straight line, you're still going to get a straight answer. What are you drinking, buddy? Truth serum. Right. Okay. Like when I would kick people out of the bar and I'd be like, what's your problem? I don't know.

I want to fight somebody like, okay, well, we're not doing that here tonight. Right. I'm angry on the inside. I know you are, but you got to go home. Do you want your flip flop? You left it in the bar. No.

Do you, did you ever, uh, do you drink now or new york are you sober or what no i don't drink but i would have gotten drunk and gone to a zoo at some point in my in your life teens right not my 20s my teens my friends and i would have done that yeah you would have really where'd you grow up south orange new jersey and there's actually an incredible zoo near there yeah so that would have been turtle back zoo it's amazing that would have been fun to do yeah i don't know if i'd go to see the monkeys yeah i mean there's probably other animals i'd rather see well the monkeys are i've said this and we've said this on our podcast by the way jay and i have a daily podcast called

the virus edition and we did a couple stories about some like a drunk monkey. And now there are like monkeys taking over a town in Thailand. And like when I went to Bali on my honeymoon years and years ago with my wife, like in, we, we just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. There were stray dogs running around and I didn't care. The monkeys are the ones that scared the shit out of me. Really? Because the monkeys.

You look at them and you're like. You look at them and you understand what I'm saying about you right now. The monkeys know. Like they knew me better than I knew me at that age. Yeah. They're just crazy. So maybe this guy wanted to look at like. Wanted to have a mirror on himself.

Yeah. I mean, I have no idea. So this comes from Boston.com. So I imagine it's up around there. Joseph. Dude, you're not going to fucking believe these monkeys. Dude, you're not going to believe these fucking monkeys, dude. Don't you go to the middle of the night. Those monkeys welcome you in, dude.

Bro, those fucking monkeys. They talk to you, dude. Okay. Dude. Joseph Villa, who lives in Attleboro, is being charged with trespassing Van-what? Jason just stopped eating to comment on this. I call the big one Tom Brady. That's who I call the big one.

Because you're going to leave me. He's charged with trespassing, vandalizing property, and breaking and entering into a building during the nighttime. I love that there's a specific... During the nighttime? Who's writing this? A five-year-old? You did it during the nighttime.

I know, but I did it all by myself according to detective lieutenant timothy cook he was charged or scheduled for arraignment via video conferencing that's where the world we're in in attleboro district court on wednesday no animals were affected or harmed during this bizarre incident which is obviously the only reason I'm even doing this story. Do you think if someone breaks in and is drunk, the animals are like, thank God, now we have a show? I think the animals are like, why are you trying to get in, motherfucker? We're trying to get out.

This is jail for us. That's so funny. Why would you even come here? All we want is to escape. I think it helps them stay sober to see him drunk and acting like a fool. He's a check-in. Yeah, monkeys get to keep their chip for another day. A banana chip.

Right. Monkeys are like, all you got to do is show up, man. Don't worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Just show up. Show up is half the thing. And just understand the things you can control and what you can't control. What if they were in an AA meeting and he showed up like, oh, guys, don't go over there. Nope, he's a trigger for us.

He's going to trigger you. Great, the orangutans are triggered now. Fling your poo one step at a time, guys. triggered now. Fling your poo one step at a time, guys. Police were called to the zoo, which is currently closed due to the pandemic, around 8 43 a.m. Wow. This was an all-nighter. Is this even

a nighttime problem then? Oh, they were called then. He was probably in the zoo all night. Yes. Sorry, you were correct. Yeah, he was probably passed out. I'm your guys' king now. On Tuesday, they were called there for a reported break-in that was believed to have happened the night before part of the zoo's fence was broken and officers believe

villa damaged the fence around 7 30 p.m on monday one damn this is so stupid so stupid but it gets so much sadder when he's alone like if it was three three teenagers you're all right, they think this is funny and they're laughing at it the whole time with each other. This guy's alone. But I also feel like there's someone somewhere drinking on an old couch who's like, you heard from Joe Villa in a while? No. Like someone's wondering where Joe Villa is. I don't know. Check the zoo.

Right. He always loved the zoo. He went there on 730 p.m monday on surveillance footage police saw a man who's later identified as villa walking around the zoo this is where it gets fun then joe villa allegedly climbed into a rowboat and paddled out to a large pond which is not how that works he's in a a large pond. Yeah, he puddled in a pond. Where there are two lemur islands. Oh my God. Lemurs are a type of primate found in Madagascar, in case you're a Greenleaf fan.

This is Greenleaf. Villa's planned visit to the lemurs wasn't meant to be, however. This is where it gets fun. Okay. He wasn't able to reach the island because he accidentally lodged the boat underneath a footbridge. So he gets in this water, and I imagine at the end of the pond, there's probably some bridge. And then he gets stuck under the bridge. Honestly, he should get the death penalty. This is horrible.

Saddest thing I ever heard. So here's my point. He's dead inside. We know that. Yeah, but you also know that he's... Oh, my God. This is horrible. Saddest thing I ever heard. He's dead inside. We know that. Oh my God. He was doing that self-narration drunk talk. We're a little stuck here. We're a little stuck over here right now. I'm going to go out to the island.

Oh, you don't want to move, do you, Bo? I never saw a lemur. You can't charge me with that i don't even know them sir yes what the hell is a lemur yeah go talk to him why don't you lemur me alone hey that's not that's not how the cop's like that's a good one you're still getting arrested that was a good one though we're gonna put that in the report he's just rowing In one arm he had to exit The boat okay so he Then exited the boat and swam

Through the lemur pond back to shore So he gave up And then had to swim This is like a dumb drunk triathlon This is like Get into a zoo Paddle a boat Swim a half mile he's simultaneously winning and losing with his

body in a lion's mouth that's what it should have been you want me to pet you good kitty he had to swim back to shore at which point he exited the zoo through the same hole in the fence that's right oh that's fascinating i know you know we call that and i don't want to get all lion king but that is the circle of life i don't want to get all lying but who does also technically i found out because of this story i edited it out but uh lemurs aren't monkeys no lemurs yeah it's a whole different deal whole different thing okay because monkeys i think yeah i don't know i don't know either along with the surveillance footage police had another piece of evidence that led them to joe villa his wallet and identification

were found in the zoo because you know he's like i'm not getting in this water put this in the boat it's inside of the lemur. We pumped the lemur's stomach and we found his diner's club. Police caught up with Villa around 11 a.m. Tuesday where he was just walking down a county street, which is perfect.

His whole life. It's his own highway to heaven. He was on to the next case. Highway to heaven is a deep cut that a lot of townies aren't going to get. Michael Landon. I know. May he rest in peace. Police then arrested him. Quote, this is Officer

Cook. It was a unique incident. I am now going to let you guys see a photo of Joe Villa. And then we will play a round of how old do you think this guy is? AKA, guess the age. Hold on one sec. I'm very excited to see this because i i have in my mind what i think he looked oh boy he looks like the guy the local

comic who never left in every town that wants to tell you what he thought of your set oh god his mother was never around that's a great observation he looks like right... Right after that picture, he was like, did you take it? He's got a lot of conspiracy. He looks like Ted Cruz if Ted Cruz shaved. I also have to say, beautiful head of hair.

I was run over by a truck. Yeah, exactly. He thinks all buffets should be all you can eat. Okay, so how old do you think he is? You've now seen him. He not on jenny craig no no well he might be sitting on all right so how much how old do you think he is loaded and floated how old yeah yeah let's run through what he did he broke through a france he got a paddle boat he swam back to shore yeah Yeah, but... He's drunk on a Monday night. He's a drunk, so he probably

looks like... He's probably like 17. No, I think he's 46. Okay, 46. Jason Sklar. I think he's younger. I think he's 40. Okay, 40. I think he's 53. 53.

Okay, so 40. Okay. 40. I think he's 53. 53. Okay. So 53, 46, 40. 40 for me. Yeah. 40. Okay. One of you. Oh, God. Is only one year off. Okay. So does anyone want to change? Does anyone want to change their answer one year up or down? I will.

41. 41. Okay. Do you want to go up or down? I'll go down to 45. Okay. Do you want to go up or down? I'll go down to 45. And I'll go down what I say, 53. So I'll go down to 52. Okay. Joe Villa. The Midnight Zoo guy. Paddling, swimming, dropping ID,

holes in fences. We broke into a zoo. We broke into a zoo. With Matt Damon. We'll close out story two with this. Joe Villa is 52 years old. Wow! He looks good.

He looks good for 52. A little bit of weight makes you look younger. It does. I should gain more weight. I'll look younger. Let's all do it. Let's blow up in every way. Let us blow up gain more weight. I'll look younger. Let's all do it. Let's all do it. Let's blow up. Yeah, let's do it. Let's blow up in every way.

In every way. Let us blow up in every way. Can you give us a tease, Dan, of what we're going to see in segment three? Oh, just a dumb kid in a Frisbee. Dumb kid in a Frisbee coming back after this break. Jessica Kirsten is with us. I'm so happy she's with us. We'll be right back with more dumb people stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town

hey guys welcome back to dumb people town dan take us home i will before i do that i want to remind everybody that on july 16th i am headlining the nowhere comedy club on zoom so it's literally wherever you are get some uh people in your circle invite them over or tell them to join you for this. Tickets are only $10 for the first 100 people. And then I think 15 after that, there's also a meet and greet option. And it's at 6 o'clock Los Angeles time. And I'll say this. We're planning on doing a live Zoom Dumb People Town.

And we're going to put that together on our own. And we'll let you guys know how to do it. We'll probably cap it off at about 400 people, but we'll do this that we're doing live. We'll interact with you and you will be able to talk to us. We might even do a part where there's like a hang for certain people who want to do something like that. All that stuff, I'm sure, will be at

supersclarus.com. My Nowhere Comedy Show and the future Dumb People Talent is all at danielvankirk.com. And everything Jessica's doing is at jessicacurson.com.com. And everything Jessica's doing is at jessicakerson.com. For sure. Yes. Got it.

And the Nowhere Comedy Club is great. Oh, my God. I love it. We did a head-on. Yeah, I did it too. I had a blast. It's great, right? It feels...

And it's somewhere between... Obviously, it isn't what we're all used to, but it's somewhere between, for me, kind of like low stakes to work out new stuff, but then also it's sort of the closest i've gotten to doing any sort of show like that you know in my own home so i love it i absolutely love it you know i will say this when we were uh dan featured for us on our set and you were fantastic uh while you were doing your set randy and i were walking around in randy's wife's office which

is where we did it to get quiet and to get uh ethernet cord we were walking around in randy's wife's office which is where we did it to get quiet and to get uh ethernet cord we were walking around the same way we walk around backstage before the way you pace before a set you know it felt real funny it felt real real in that way it did feel real it did for me too all right let's jump into this story and then we'll get out of here this was sent by jake groney at jake groney g-r-O-N-I-E. Thank you so much, Jake. I feel like I kind of want to read you the headline first. Do it. Because it's kind of all we would need.

Do it. While looking for his Frisbee. Nope. Oh, boy. Nope. Let it go. I'm just going to tell you, let it go. Let it go. I can tell you guys are crazy looking for your Frisbee story.

It's a fucking Frisbee. Let it go. It's not worth it. You guys have been there. My family has this story. It's a fucking frisbee. Let it go. It's not worth it. You guys have been there. My family has this little shack of a cottage with some lake access. It's not a lake house. We're not even on the lake, but we have some lake access up in Wisconsin. And it's a little lake that is fed by natural springs.

And one of them is like 20, 30 feet off the shoreline, maybe even a little bit farther from where we're at, right? And a couple years ago, maybe 10, 15 years ago now, my cousin and my brother Vance are playing with a Frisbee out in the water, and it hits just in the right angle that it starts to sink. So they swim out there, and they both get there, and Vance says, I'm going to try down and go down and get it. Now it drops off there, and we know there's a spring somewhere out around that way.

So he starts swimming down, and he's swimming down after it and swimming out and Kenny's watching him and Kenny watches him just go into a hole. No, and Vance swims down into the spring because it's huge. He grabs the frisbee and then he comes back up and Kenny was watching him come up and he's like, I've never seen someone's eyes like that big and he advances like, oh, and Kenny goes, where did you go? He goes, I don't know.

There's a hole down there and it was so cold. Like, yeah, you were inside the spring. Don't do it. It's a Frisbee. Who cares? Who cares about a Frisbee?

I agree. Vance, get ready. Like a dog cares about a Frisbee. Get ready. Okay. While looking for his Frisbee, we're not even halfway

through this headline. A Tampa Bay man was bit in the face by an alligator okay now again that is a horrible accident but with some of the details you will say the same thing you've already said you don't need that frisbee that pet you already know you're in florida and it's in water if i did so my wife's stepfather lives in santa bella island florida and they're on the side of the road are like tiny little. I mean, look, you grew up in New Jersey.

I'm sure you went down to Florida your entire life, but you have relatives. Yeah. Okay. My whole life. Right. So there are little like, I'm not gullies. I know exactly what you're talking about. Sometimes those fill with water.

And I know it's not possible for an alligator to be there, but every time I see a still water thing, I'm like, there's an alligator in there. Oh, it's 100%. I think there could be alligators there. 100%. I have people in Florida have told me like, if there's a body of water, there's an alligator in it. Yeah, don't let anyone tell you

that there's definitely not an alligator. We used to have a theory. Randy and I, when we lived in New York, we used to have a theory. If you can touch it, it's been peed on. Right. So that was it. So if there's a body of water in Florida,

there's an alligator in it. So if a ball goes in there, if your keys go in there, if you're playing golf and it slides, your keys, your car keys, your house key, time to call locksmith. That's the void. You don't touch the void. Stay away from the void.

Yes. Okay. Just like now, because of that stupid movie, I assume that there's an evil clown in every sewer. Just don't go near the sewer. It doesn't it. There's no need because there's no need. The wind loss is not great. So what if I'm wrong every time?

But I wanted his Frisbee so badly. He went into a body of water where he knew there probably was. You have two of the three things you need for an alligator. You're in Florida and you're in water. Largo local wildlife officials say they are searching for an alligator that bit a man directly in the face.

How are they searching for him? Also, what is indirectly? Interviewing other alligators? And what are you going to say? Hey, did you just perform normal in your habitat? Oh, okay. That's on us. What's the Ian Edwards thing? How do they search for an alligator?

That's Florida, too. Literally, cops are asking, can you open your mouth? We need to take a DNA swab. You have part of his face on your teeth. I've interviewed every frog in the area. I think he has an eyelash. It looks like the guy's eyelash.

No, it's Ian Edwards. Great comic. He talked about it recently. He said, there is no such thing as a shark attack. You are in their living room. You are in their living room. You are trespassing. That's true.

You're trespassing. Yes. You're trespassing. They own that Frisbee now. Yes. That's their Frisbee. The alligator's Frisbee. Everyone we had, we have, there's a house on our street where if you threw the thing and it went over the fence it's gone guys and gone you don't go get it mrs

sanderson when i was growing up i'm not joking okay largo police department spokesman which i hope is run by largo here in town uh lieutenant scott gore told creative loafing which i guess is the name of this publication. Probably a blog or something. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, this comes from cltampa.com, so it's Creative Loafing. Creative Loafing, Tampa Bay, that Travis Spitzer was in waist-deep water. Travis Spitzer is a redneck Jew.

I can't take it. See? Right, Jessica? He's in waist-deep water. Waist-deep water. He's a redneck Jew. He should have known better. I know. I just thought the same thing.aste Deep Water. He's a redneck Jew. He should have known better. I know.

I just thought the same thing. Travis Smith. There's no way. Well, if it were an important Frisbee, it could have been a Jew. But the first name is not Jewish. What's the old Henny Youngman bit? Is that the guy goes out, her son goes out at the beach, and he looks like he's drowning.

He's swimming out too far. She grabs a lifeguard. Lifeguard goes out and gets him and it is a struggle and it doesn't look like he's going to get him and the lifeguard's having trouble and then the lifeguard, another lifeguard comes out

and grabs the lifeguard and they get the guy and they barely get him out. They get him out on the beach and they do the compressions and they pump his stomach and the water comes out and they finally, after like five minutes of doing CPR, they completely get it.

And the mom turns to the lifeguard and said he had a hat. He had a hat. He had a what? He had a hat. It's such a dumb joke. That is so something my mother would say. your uncle would be like i could do it i could do it oh thank god she's okay but she was wearing a hat can we get the hat please

so yeah travis spitzer waist is in waist deep water it's not like he was like leaning over from the bank trying to grab he went into the water he's inviting it he's in that i know an idiot a dumb person a dummy uh he's in waist deep water in taylor lake on friday june 12th around 5 a.m looking for the the frisbee. Oh, God. I know. He's also on drugs. What did he say? Well, he definitely doesn't have someone to throw the frisbee with.

I know. What context? Who's up with him at 5 a.m.? Who is throwing a frisbee at 5 a.m.? Hey, you want to go play some frisbee? Dude, it's fucking full. I don't know. Maybe it's this.

If you're up throwing a frisbee that early morning, that is the most ultimate frisbee you can get morning that is the most ultimate frisbee you can that's ultimate ultimate frisbee ever yes uh so he's up at 5 a.m looking oh wait this is weirder i didn't read this he's up at 5 a.m looking for frisbees oh for frisbee oh he's like he's looking for he's just shopping he's like a hippie metal detector. The guy goes to the golf course and like looks around in the water. He's looking for Frisbee. He's like a, like a metal detector. That's when the Gator bid him in the face.

Right. I agree. I say good to. He used his left hand to pry himself free. as a result had lacerations to his face and hand yes said officer gore and he's got the best can't play now he can't play frisbee no hands and he can't see that's right i just picture him being like what is that lean him way down into the water what's blinking blinking at me down there? Hey, you see a frisbee? Can you imagine he only found a boomerang?

Found the wrong thing. The best would be he takes the boomerang. He's like, I don't need this. And he throws it. And then the alligator bites him in the face. And he uses his hand to pry him off. And then the boomerang comes back and hits him in the head. Or it comes back and sticks in the

alligator's mouth and keeps the alligator's mouth open so he can't close. He was transported for medical care and is expected to recover. FWC is responding for the gator. Fish and wildlife? Okay. The incident comes as Florida is at the peak of alligator mating

season. So also, if you live down there, you need to know this. Don't go out at this time in a lake. That alligator was like, I'm trying to... Why are they even looking for the alligator that's in him? You're not going to find it. You're not going to find it. I don't get it. And even if you find him, he's not going to admit it. Right. I promise.

You know alligators, Jessica. They just love to lie. Alligators are liars. Did you bite his face? I can't remember. I don't know what I did yesterday. It's like that otherars. Did you bite his face? I can't remember. I don't know what I did yesterday. Right. It's like that other tweet. Did you see that tweet? It was like,

alligator suspected to be, or alligator allegedly known as Hitler's pet dies. Yeah. And Paul F. Tompkins retweeted it and wrote, oh, you mean that lying alligator? Yeah. You know who owned you. You know.

Okay. The incident comes as Florida is at the peak of alligator mating season, which often runs from May to July, depending on temperatures. During this period, it is not uncommon to see gators roaming around and be more active, says Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. So don't do it. Just an idiot. Don't go to Florida.

Don't go to Florida. That's the moral of the story. Don't go in the water either. Yeah. And stop playing Frisbee. I clearly agree. For God's sake. Frisbee is too helpful right now.

I know. It's like a, it's a fun, like, who's playing Frisbee now? It's too frivolous. It's too frivolous. It's too whimsical for the times that we're in. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's too laid back. Nobody just whips a Frisbee and then says Black Lives Matter.

No. Right. You know what I mean? Like, no one should be whistling right now. No, no one should be whistling. No skipping. If you see two people playing badminton, they are not wearing masks.

Get them out. Get them out. All right. Well, that's the show. Jessica Kirsten, thank you so much for joining us in Dumb People Town. You're the best. I love you guys.

Check out your podcast. I want people to check out your podcast and just go to JessicaKirsten.com Relatively sane. We love it. We love you. We support you all the way and oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.

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