Dumb People Town - Jessica St. Clair & Lennon Parham - Cumspringa

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

This week, Jessica St. Clair & Lennon Parham (WOMP It Up!) join the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a drunk driving suspect mixes Xanax and booze in an attempt to live their life like Jesus. In Story #2, a graduate's cake f...

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Members, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population hilarity. That's what we got on our hands today.

Two ladies who we love. Two of our favorite ladies in the world. I had so much fun working with them on their amazing show, which I am going to say right now will resurface somewhere. I believe it will resurface. You know, I'm like... Playing House, by the way. Remember Great Expectations with Pip and Miss Havisham?

The only thing I remember about that book is that she's still wearing her wedding dress from somebody who never came. That's what I'm like. I still think it's coming back. And Lennon's like, you gotta let it go. Don't take it off. The show's not coming back, but the Xfinity commercials are. Is that okay?

Yeah, man. That's all right with us. I'm down. The show is playing house and our guests are Lennon Parham and Jessica St. Clair. I love you guys so much. We did your awesome podcast Womp It Up! We womped it up.

You sure did. Jessica Wampler was We actually put Jessica Wampler in a... Is it Jessica Wampler? Marissa. We put Marissa Wampler in a... Is it Jessica Wampler? Marissa. Marissa Wampler. We put Marissa Wampler in an uncomfortable place, which I thought is rare. It was weird. I was like, I feel sick, and I usually make other people feel sick. But you know what's great about being with you guys is we're...

Landon and I are as close to being identical twins as you can get. You are. You have the chemistry. Your chemistry is unbelievable. Thanks, guys. Thanks. No, but it is kind of insane. I wish we could bottle it

and sell it at Milk Bar. You guys do have that. Sell it at a dry bar? And she just is like, yeah, the dry bar. Twin milk, right? You can sell your own milk. Twin milk.

Everything's closed up shop for me. All right, fine. Wouldn't be my real milk, weirdo. Dan just had his tubes tied. Is that weird? No, that's not weird at all. No, he had to. Like weird to share or weird?

No. Because I don't think a guy can have his tubes tied. Is that right? No, it's more of a cutting process. Yeah. Hey. Which I have not had.

Good. Good that you haven't had it. Well, here's the deal, guys. We believe that the world is getting dumber. The world is getting dumber or dumber is getting louder or dumb and smarter fighting and dumb is winning.

Or just beating it up. Or smart is like a bunny and dumb is petting it too hard. Yeah, letting it. Letting it. Stop letting the bunny. And the only way to fight back is through our stories. And we get wonderful stories sent to us by our dumb ears on the ground. They're not dumb, but they're just out.

Their ears are. They're hunting for it. Right. They our dumb ears on the ground. They're not dumb, but they're just out. Their ears are. They're hunting for it. Right. They're sniffing out the dumb. Do you remember when the Native Americans could speak a whole language just by the wind talking, just talking through the wind? I don't remember that, but I have heard television. You've never wind talked before?

No, not in my life. But honestly, I bet if we asked Lennon to wind talk, she could do something that seems Give me your best impression of a wind talk. What were they? It would be silent. It would be silent. I want you to have a whole wind-tall conversation with me right now. I do do that, I think, with emotion, though.

Like, I come in and I assess the situation silently, and I'm like, okay. Like, instantly. Having a rough day. Cried all morning. That's me. By the way, I'm the only person she sees every day, and I usually have cried. Had a rough morning. Cried all morning. Usually done both on the way to I'm usually had a rough morning, cried all morning.

Done both on the way to work. Just had a chemical peel. I did. Yeah, I just wanted to tell the listeners that I did just have a very severe laser pointed at my face. What is this, round three?

My lips are numb right now. Really? Which, by the way, is my favorite Go-Go song. My lips are numb. Yeah. So I feel a little off, and I'm having a little trouble pronouncing different words. We can understand you.

But it's going to reveal a younger baby skin underneath this old lady skin. It's like when a snake molts and the thing goes off. The molting hasn't started yet, but it may mid-podcast, and I'll let everybody know. Guys, let the molting begin. Daniel, do we have stories? We do. Let's do one. Let's do one.

As a group. Send us by local townie Tantrum Dan at Tantrum Dan on Twitter. T-A-N-T-R-U-M-D-A-N. Why is it there is tantric sex? Yeah, it should be tantrum sex.

Where you just get real mad at all the things your spouse has done. No! Just like, take out the fucking trash! And they're like, oh, I'm there! There's a full tantrum where you're like, cry talking. I don't want to! We're leaving! Let's go!

Get up off the floor! Get ready! Yes. I think I just Stare at him And let him have Whatever he needs to have Yep

And be like When you're done With your tantrum sex We can leave Yeah Yeah we can be done With this sex Sex

Yeah When you're done I'll turn this bed around Yeah I'll turn this Well I don't know what that does But I'll turn this bed around I see you're having

A lot of big feelings right now I know We can talk And I'll wait and i'll wait and i'll wait i understand where they're coming from i've been there it was a rough morning you cried all morning the calmer lennon gets the worse the more angry she is all right here we go a drunk driving suspect reportedly mixed xanax and booze before tell or before telling an arresting officer they were just trying to live their life like Jesus. Okay.

Is that what happens? I don't know. Maybe I'm back on Christianity if that's what we get to do now. So wait, they mixed it in front of... When you say it like this, I can see them. They put it in. They took out... Well, they're talking to the cops.

No, I hear you. Yeah, that's what I'm... Is that what happened? I'm being legit. They put it in. They like took out. Well, they're talking to the cops. No, I hear you. Yeah, that's what I'm. Is that what happened? No. I'm being legit. No, no, no. They had it first. Then they got drove shitty.

Yeah. Got pulled over. Said, I'm just trying to live my life like Jesus. I let Jesus take the drugs. Look, Randy and I said on stage this past weekend, we were talking about Jesus as we sometimes want to do. Right. Jews for Jesus.

Everyone knows that's a big cause of yours. We said that was the original CrossFit, what he was doing. Because he wasn't, he looked good. Like, he was not original CrossFit, what he was doing, because he looked good. He wasn't gaining weight up there. He had good abs. I said I would kill for those abs. As a Jew, we would kill him for those abs. I would kill him for those abs. And then the crowd got mad at me, and I was like, we did it once.

We'll do it again. He had a very hipster, like a millennial hipster body in that nowadays, it's like people like their men with a thin waist. I don't want that. You want a man with women's hips. Wider waist, right? Wider waist than mine.

You want a wider waist than yours? Yes. I don't want to feel like I'm with another woman. If I wanted that, then I would be with Lennon. And I've asked her several times and I'm not available. I'm with another woman. If I wanted that, then I would be with Lennon. And I've asked her several times. I'm not available. I'm not available. I personally have never felt more seen than right now. Dan, you are being

seen in a way. The three of us are wide enough to enter this conversation. Exactly. All three of you I would take for tantrum sex. I would do it. You would let us have our tantrum and be done with it. I just want more pizza and I'm going to cry in front of the fridge about it. Sure. Okay.

And you were, and was there a point in time where you couldn't see the tire tracks and that was when Jesus was driving? That's when Jesus drove. That's when Jesus took the wheel. That's when he took the wheel. Nicole Ann Minter. Mint, Mintner. M-I-N-T-N-E-R.

Yes, because Minter would be ridiculous. No. Yeah. Yeah. That's one too many N's. I would say. That. Mint. Ner. M-I-N-T-N-E-R. Yes, because Minter would be ridiculous. No. Yeah. Yeah. That's one too many Ns. Minter. That's a tough one. Minter.

Minter. Although Minter does feel like a character that will appear on Wampanoag. Oh, yes. That would be good. And they don't call first name. Only be referred to as Minter. Yes. Well, have you talked to Minter about it?

Minter. Minter. I want to go by her initials. Nom. She had been sleeping Too soon She had been sleeping at the wheel of a silver Dodge Parked at 10pm Sunday at a construction area

On State Road 54 And Northeast 40th Street I'll just pull it over here According to an arrest report From a Sumter County Sheriff's Office The car's hazard lights were activated and the engine was running. Which means on some level

she was like, I'm going to pull over. I'm going to put the hazards on and make them sleep. Which I think good on her. Putting the hazards on, being there's a hazard here. I'm the hazard. And also I get that she has to be punished, but I mean, she wasn't driving at the time. The deal is you've got to take the keys

out. This is what we tell all of our people who are listening. If you are driving and you've had a little bit to drink and you fall asleep, just make sure you take the keys out and you will not get a DUI. Keys in, show intent to drive. Car has to be off. Car has to be off, keys out of the ignition.

What if it's freezing? Keys in ignition, show intent to drive. Car can't be on. That's crazy. Is this also one of your causes is getting people off of DUIs? No, we want to encourage them to be like, don't drive home. You made that mistake. I was trying to teach you how to Uber home and then have tantrum sex.

A lot of these dumb people drive cars. Notice that. Oh, yeah. Notice that. Fact. Fact. Fact. When roused, Nicole Ann Minter admitted she had taken Xanax. I hope that's how she came out of the sleep.

I took Xanax. Xanax. Being woken up. Ma'am. Ma'am. I took Xanax. Are you awake then? No.

No. Yeah, you talked to us. That's the first thing. And can you take, because they've been showing like drugs are the same as, you talked to us. That's the first thing. Can you take, because they've been showing drugs are the same as drugs during Memorial Day weekend where you're always like, I should not be on this road. If they're giving so many warnings.

I shouldn't be anywhere. I should stay home, put trash bags on my window, and don't do a goddamn thing. Get all your fireworks out on the edge of that dock. Drink a 16 pack. That's right, fire them off. But don't do a goddamn thing. Get all your fireworks out on the edge of that dock. Drink a 16-pack. That's right. Fire them off.

But don't go anywhere. Anyway. Do not. This is one of the stories I love about this woman. She refused to remove her sunglasses. It's nighttime. She was already asleep in her car. Ma'am, could you please remove your sunglasses?

Ma'am, I didn't take Xanax. I'm on Xanax. Okay, you are? That is a Xanax-y move, though. The glasses will not come off. Can you take your sunglasses off? Nope. Sounds like a cocktail, like a Tom Cruise, risky business.

I could see him doing that. She just talked above the, like, looked above the glasses. I'm not thinking about it, but you can see my eyes and I can see you. And why do you have to take your your do you have to take your glasses off right you have to do whatever they tell you to do apparently that's not right though right she's like these are my readers yeah no they're not they're tented i'm still transitioning this the rest of the sentence starts very aggressively then ends in a like a funnier way. She refused to remove her sunglasses and twice slapped a deputy on the shoulder.

She's like, hey you. Get over here. Hey, good job. Thanks for coming and checking it out. You guys are doing it. You got me. Don't touch Dale. Do not touch Dale. He does not like it when you touch him. She's also doing that drunk thing that people do

when they really like their sunglasses that they want to see their sunglasses on you yes Dale come on can you tie these on

I don't want them on one of us is wearing these the rest of the time we talk and if you don't want it to be me it's gonna be you asshole

she slapped me twice it's also midnight I think 10pm 10pm I love it and was she driving you asshole. She slapped me twice. It's also midnight, I think. 10 p.m. 10 p.m. I love it. And was she driving with those on?

Yes. That's definitely, definitely. She needed one more impairment in the driving process. There might have been like a 7-Eleven sign that was shining too bright.

Yeah. Yeah. Put them on. Crashing her style. These hazards are bright. She might have been crying. That's a good move of mine If you need to cry in a public place

Put your sunglasses on Often actually One time at a Tender Greens I started to cry And Jess took off her sunglasses And put them on me And I was like no I want the world

This is who I am right now I don't know who's coming into A Tender Greens in Hollywood I was like put these on But that just explained Both of you so to a T By the way I coming into a Tender Greens in Hollywood. I was like, put these on. But that just explained both of you so to a T. By the way, I walk into a Tender Greens expecting to see six people crying. The name of the place is Tender Greens. Why do we insist on going there?

We go there all... It's not that good. It really doesn't taste that good. And, Lena, I saw you here once, and I was like... Sweet Greens. Yep, nobody needs to have our lunch interruptions. Sweet Greens kicks the shit out of green sweets.

Sweet greens! Yeah, that's right. That's right. Tender Greens is the steel magnolias of lunch places. It is. It's just,

you know you're gonna The best movie of all time. But it will just cause you The best meat in two sides you've ever had. Cause the emotions to come up. No, but the fact that you were like,

I want people to see me cry at a tender drink. We had our biggest fight outside of Baja Fresh. It was in a parking lot. It was in an underground. You know where that bad bath at Beyond used to be?

Well, you're talking about the one, the Baja Fresh by the Beverly Center. No, no. That's an open-air shopping center. This was in a parking lot right in front of where people were taking out their to-go orders. We decided to have, because I had done something rude, like made a call about something. Oh, this is by Hungry Cat.

Yes. Everybody cares about this. But we both had our sunglasses on because we were both crying. And to this day, I actually have no memory of what that fight was about. And I bet you could recreate it line for fucking line. I know I did something wrong and I had to apologize for it. You've done so much wrong.

I don't honestly remember the specifics. But you remember the fight. You guys were going at it. I remember we fought and we were crying. We were both wearing sunglasses and it was in a dark parking lot and people were watching us. But it's a cry fight. It's not like a fight.

Like we're not screaming. We're not in a cafe. No, no, no. No, it's more like. It's a fight that if, yeah. But that's what it made me feel like. Yes, yes. It was when I felt that way because you were making me feel that way was when I felt it.

And you know what? We don't do that kind of fight anymore because we're too tired. Yeah, you've got kids. Once you have kids and they've already let loose on you, they're wild emotions. I don't have any time for that. Your kids have sucked the ability for you guys to cry fight. That's correct.

They've taken away your ability to cry fight, and maybe that's the hardest thing about being a parent. It's true. Also, even with your husband, you're just like, I'm just so disappointed in you. I actually would rather go to sleep right now than talk this out. The person in your life looks at you and is like, do you want to have this fight? And you're like, no.

No, I don't. And then you say to them, but you understand what it was going to be about? And like, yep. So we're just at the end. We can do the end part. Yeah, the end. That's so good. That's the evolution of a relationship.

So I love when I do get into a fight like this. I'm going to sleep in the other room not because I'm mad at you, because I'm going to get a better night's sleep. Right, sleep. Yes. That's how we're ending this. But we're okay. We'll be fine in the morning, but in our minds we've had this fight.

I also took Xanax because I wanted to be more like Jesus. It's like even with restaurants where you're like, do you want to spend 20 minutes figuring out what to eat, or do we both settle on the unhealthy thing we both secretly want right now and just order pizza? Yes. Put in the order for that chocolate lava cake that you got to say at the beginning. 40 minutes.

No, you got to do it two hours at a time. Nicole Ann Minter was extremely uncooperative and would not take part in field sobriety exercises at the scene. Just wearing sunglasses. Would you walk in a straight line? Nope. Nope. Nope.

In the Illinois native vehicle, which means I guess this is somewhere else, prescription Xanax was found along with four, this is my mom's, I was going to say four locos. My mom, Diane, we are up Diane Boulevard. We're on Diane Lane here. We are. We're on Diane Lane. We're on Diane Boulevard. We're on Diane Lane here. We're on Diane Lane.

We're all on Diane Lane. Along with the Xanax, they found four empty Sutter Home Sangria bottles. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. She might have been having a low blood sugar moment because that shit is like, you might as well have 17 chocolate sundaes. Did you guys ever do a storyline about that? Like there was a certain drink on your show that you

bought. Oh, Zima. Who was the Zima drinker? Keegan. Oh, Keegan, yes! Keegan hit the Zima hard and then made like a bunch of inappropriate phone calls and almost kissed me when he was still married. Sutterholm should hire some comics to just let

them do creatively whatever they want with their commercials and they would bounce all the way back out of the plastic wine Walgreens aisle. I would take a Sutter Home. 100%

Sutter Homes is like so Boone's Farm is where you go when you're a teenager. Yes, Boone's. Strawberry. Sutter Home is where you retire to.

Then you get over to the Sutter. The Sutter Home. It's the same thing but just Where are you staying now that your kids are out of the house? We're staying at the Sutter home.

They have a lot of group activities. Yeah, yeah. Four empty Sutter home sangria bottles in the center console. She's living her life in the open. Is that like a... They come in four packs, right? It's not full bottles.

Just check in. They're tiny. For the road our nom here uh when when asked about the sutter home sangria nicole told the deputy quote jesus drank wine and so did i except yeah i mean that is kind of wine but it's kind of she's figured it all out guys when we drink when drink wine, we're drinking Jesus' blood. I'm looking at people who aren't Jesus' blood. If you're in a church and it's been blessed,

otherwise that's just fine. You're drinking some guy named Jesus' blood. Yeah. Different thing. Right. So she doesn't quite have it right, but okay. Well, what I'm trying to figure out, though, is, so Jesus, I get the Xanax because he was chill.

Yeah, very. In the face of a lot of fucked up shit. He was really like taking it. And controlling his nerves. Yeah, he wasn't like going crazy on people. He's like, Pontius Pilate, you fucking betrayed me. That's right. Even when they whipped him, he was like, I'm not going to say a word to these people.

No, he's going to take it. But the drunk part, I'm trying to figure out because the drunk part is like what? That he was like the life of the party? I don't know. I don't know either. He certainly was good in catering because when he had to turn that shit. Water and wine, everybody does. And loaves of bread and fish.

But I don't know if I'd be like, Jesus is my first person I want at my party. I know it's better for you, but to me, loaves of bread and fish is somewhat of a lateral move. I mean, I get the water and the wine, it's fine. but what if you're like, I just wanted to eat some bread? It was loaves and fish. He multiplied it. He didn't turn a bunch of loaves into a bunch of fish. That's what I thought he did. He made loaves of bread into fish.

No, he fed, there was not enough, but for only the richies, and so he multiplied it and fed all the poor people. I could see, in my Jewish mind, I thought he had a bunch of awesome loaves of bread and then turned them into fish. And people were like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, you need something

to sop it up, the juices, you know? The juices of a roasted trout. Nobody ever sits down and is like, I'll just have this fish and nothing else. You know how you're like,

honey, give me a piece of bread. I gotta get some of this tilapia juice up here. That's like the staple. You serve like Wonder Bread, like white Wonder Bread with fish. Where are you from? The Midwest?

Northern Illinois, a little farm town. That's correct. Rochelle. When you go to a brunch in the Midwest, they have 17 carbs and that's it. And I was at a brunch where they served a cinnamon roll as the appetizer to a lunch. No. Where do

I sign up? Yes, it was delicious, but you feel so tired and sad afterwards. It's fine. Not if you've been eating it all your life. That's right. You build up an immunity. It's like, you know how it's certain being the old days would take a little bit of poison so that they couldn't be the end. It's like when you stop at one of those roadside

gas stations and get a Cinnabon as a snack. Oh my God. Just a quick Cinnabon. Your grandma money, not money. Money used to give you an enormous bag. A pound bag of Skittles.

And just as a... That was like the weekend treat. And she would just work through it. I would just eat it the whole weekend. Just work through it. There's a point in time where you're like, I can't do this anymore.

By the middle, you hate it. Like you hate it with like about a third left. Never did I hate it. Never did she hate it. No, a point in time where you're like, I can't do it. By the middle, you hate it. Like you hate it with like about a third left. Never did I hate it. Never did you hate it. No, you just kept going? Never. You just kept going.

Kept going. I would mash them together, make that beautiful flower with the yellow center, you know, see how different flavor combos go together and just watch Days of Our Lives

or Wheel of Fortune or whatever was on. That sounds like a great day. We did. That to me, like now that I have kids, I'm like, I want to do that. That is a different version of Ice Kids. When you're a grandparent, today was a great day. That to me, now that I have kids, I'm like, I want to do that.

That is a different version of Ice Cube's Today Was a Good Day. You could do that. That is an old white woman's Ice Cube's Today Was a Good Day. He messed around

and got a triple-double. You had a... Triple-double Jeopardy. Yeah. The Daily Double. During the ride to the Sumter County Detention Center,

Mitner, that's Nicole, quote, continuously would scream and threaten to urinate in the patrol car. No! She had four-sutter homes. She is a four-year-old. She is having a straight-up tantrum. At the jail, as the deputy was trying

to explain field sobriety exercises, Nicole kept talking over the deputy and at one point began singing Amazing Grace. No. Yes. It's just like she saw this one time. But she had a bad voice. Like there's no way she has a great voice. Oh, Mary.

Stop. Stop. She's committed to this bit, though. Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to do the ABCs, all right? Oh, Mary. No, that's not the part we're doing right now. Amazing Grace. I was getting great.

I was, was, was. Yep, and then we found you by the side of the road today. So. Thank you for that. But now. Stop talking over us. We just need to get the.

I'm found. We are legally required to. Was blind. No, I have to. But now. I have to finish what I'm saying. You were blind because you wouldn't take the sunglasses off. She's not letting me finish. I need to finish what I'm saying.

You were blind because you wouldn't take the sunglasses off. She's not letting me finish. I need to finish. I don't want the sunglasses. She then threw her socks at a camera set up to record the field sobriety test. No, her socks. Here's the part thing to me. The part where the humor is to me is her getting the socks off

before she's thrown them. What are we doing? What's happening? You're taking your socks off? She falls over. This seems like a good... For me, if I'm a police officer, this is like a fun night.

You're looking forward to being like, I have so much to tell my wife or husband when I get home. People are like, we're going to watch this tape again. Yes! You're looking at your friends and being like,

you're getting all this, right? Because there is nothing better. Like that Reese Witherspoon where she starts being all rude. Do you know who I am? Yeah. Do you know who I am? It's one of the most captivating pieces of film that I've ever seen. Because it's like.

Guys, she's in Talks That Do Legally Blonde 3. 3. Announced today. So excited. Announced today. I'm telling you right now. If you and I don't play manicurists in that, I'm going to get so fucking pissed. I'm going to get so mad.

After I said that about her, though, I probably won't get it. I do think. Great. Crack up the tape. All right. Roll it back. Roll it back. Reel to reel.

That movie's going to be huge. St. Clair just threw her socks at us. Yes. Okay. So then she threw her socks at me. Which, by the way, you know both the socks didn't hit. Or did she ball them up? What was she trying to do, like cover it like a condom?

Like a lamb chop? She tried to lamb chop the camera. I hope before she threw it, she asked all the cops, you think I'll get it? Tell me before I throw it. Who thinks I'll get it? Who thinks I'm not going to get it? Ma'am, put your socks in.

Amazing! I just wish she would pull off both socks while standing up. She could have sat down and done it. But as she's leaning over, she falls over three or four times. Did you guys ever read The Art of Tidying? No. I only read a little bit of it. I read like three pages, but I got to the part.

This woman has like a... That's the joy, the like nothing in your house it is. It doesn't give you joy that one that's all we read and we started throwing shit out I remember that that's true though

that's a good rule I don't like that book it's a crazy book but she also said you actually threw that book out because it was not I did no because it was stressing me out

because I was sitting there and I was like I don't want to read this but you're judging me but she says that your clothes can feel if you're you're judging me but she says that your clothes can feel uh if you're not caring for them lovingly like they feel it so like if you ball she does not want you to ball a sock up because she says how would you feel if you got balled up like that you she wants you to lovingly

roll them like a cinnabon and place them lovingly in your thing. Who the fuck is doing that? I have no idea. I guess if you only have four socks. Yeah, that's right. Perfect socks. That's the idea, is that they're all, like you value everything

and so you take really good care of it. And you need to treat them with respect. And you have a special place for it in the drawer. But for real, she knows that socks don't have feelings. I don't know. She doesn't know that. This was translated from Japanese, I think.

Was it? Marie Kondo or whatever. I don't know. Forgive me if I got it wrong. Most people live in drawers. Some Japanese people do live in drawers. That's Klaar Brothers on that one. That was just some people.

I said some people. You said those people. Fair enough. I meant to say some people. Some of them. Okay, ready for this? Yep. So she's now, this is where we're at so far.

Sunglasses, wine, Xanax, hit the cop twice, refused to do anything, screaming, threatened to pee. Singing, socks in the camera. Yes. During the breath test, Mittener expanded her cheeks as if she were blowing, although she was not actually blowing. Smart! You're not doing that. It looks like you're doing it, but we can tell you're not.

I immediately thought that it was her ass. What? That they had put something up her asshole? Sometimes in the middle of a sentence, we'd take a break and we'd make a thought, and he said the breathalyzer, and then there was a beat, and then he said spread her cheeks.

She blew up her cheeks. You're right. and i was like she farted a 0.81 she did that would be amazing i couldn't at this point couldn't you see nicole being like let me show you where we're putting this breath would you be shocked i would not be shocked and she would still blow out her actual mouth cheeks and then stick the thing out. She would still be my hero. She did not complete the test and refused to sign an implied consent warning. The deputy then wrote in the report, quote, After this, the defendant then removed her right breast from her shirt and completely refueled it to the camera and the jail staff. She's hitting for the cycle.

She's done everything she cycle. She's done everything she can. Just like Jesus. He was often shirtless. That's true. He showed everybody everything. She's going right tit. That is where she's bringing the night. Midner was booked

on charges of driving under the influence, battery on a law enforcement officer. They got her on that shoulder slap. Come on, man. And resisting an officer. We're going to get out of here on this influence, battery on a law enforcement officer. They got her on that shoulder slap. Come on, man. And resisting an officer. We're going to get out of here on this. I'm going to ask our guests, how old is Nicole Ann Mintner? How old do you think she is?

Knowing what you now know. You can go first, second, third, fourth. You can pick wherever you want. You are our guest. You guys can go first. What does that mean? You get to guess the age. We don't know.

This is a game we play called Guess the Agey. I'm going to say 47. 47 years old. I'm going to say 33. 33. Jesus' age. Yeah. When he died.

Yeah. I thought he was 31. 33. 33. Okay, 33. Jesus' friend's 31, but he was 33. Yeah. And that's why you can have something called the Jesus year.

He could play. In your life, right? Like when you're a guy, you're like, okay, this is my Yeah. And that's why you can have something called the Jesus year in your life, right? Like when you're a guy, you're like, okay, this is my Jesus year. It's my year to die. And then you're like, what did I do with my life? He's already done so much, and you're just fucking working at Office Depot. That's right. Hey. But you are working in the register, so you are helping the money changers.

That's right. 33 from Jessica. I'm going to say she's 27. Jason says 27. Her Saturn's just starting to return. You're just hoping she's 27 so that in your mind's eye, that left boob she whipped out is still kind of firm and not real floppy. Doesn't go too far down.

Doesn't go too far down. I'm going to say 41. This is a woman who's dealt with 40 for a year. 47, 37, 33. And she's like, I can't take it. No, 40 is when things get good for a woman. Maybe. Maybe.

All right. What are we? Two things I'm going to tell you. One of you is only two years off. Wow. She's 35. She's 25. And then after I say it, I'm going to spin this computer around.

You're going to see her. Don't spin your camera around because I'm not taking my titty out. All right, Wampler. Jesus. I'm not following for that. Nicole Ann Mintner. Mintner. Yell at your transistor radios. Get your answers in now, Wampler. I'm not following for that. Nicole Ann Mittner. Yell at your transistor radios. Get your answers in now, Townies.

Play along at home. Do you realize that everywhere people who are listening to this podcast are just yelling at wherever they are at work. Someone at work is like, 36? Yes. She is 45 years old. Whoa!

Look at her. Whoa! And look at her! Whoa! But truth be told, I have her haircut right now. And I had that bathing suit when I was in the 9th grade. It is a little bit tie-dyed, a little bit Zubaz. Doesn't she look like her expression is like,

guys, we're really arresting me? After all the fun we've had together today. Seriously. I kind of love her now. I'm going to say something right now. I loved her throughout the entire thing. I love everything about her now. I will say, though, like, Randy and I are 46, almost 47.

Like, when we were little kids, that seemed like, oh, that's so old. Like, that's a really old person. Now, I'm like, that doesn't feel old at all. When I look at this one, I'm like, that's 45. She's younger than us. She's two years younger than us. That's a really old person. Now, I'm like, that doesn't feel old at all. When I look at this one, I'm like, that's 45. She's younger than us. She's two years younger than us. That's a 45-year-old woman. She needs a couple chemical peels.

A couple to reveal it. Those are palm trees on that bathing suit, right? Are they really? I think that's what the pattern is. Palm leaves? Yes. Could be. Wait, was she in a bathing suit?

Do we know that, or is that a joke? I'm hoping. That would be awesome if she was in a one-piece bathing suit. And I hope she also throughout the whole night was like, for the record, I was trying to sleep

with my hazards on and you guys caused all this. I agree with this. I had my sunglasses on Why is it illegal to go to a construction site at night and take a nap? Like maybe she needed

to get out of her house. She went in charge with trespassing. Nope. She didn't say that. She just took her car. And this is the town where not a lot is happening.

Right. That this is what they're choosing to deal with. They definitely called for backup. Yeah. She took her breast out as Jesus.

Due unto others. Let's just for a second look at her top and just understand she was wearing socks with that outfit. Yeah. And that's,

that is an arrestable offense. There they're back. Okay, there you go. That's the first story down in the books. We'll take a break. When we come back, we have two more stories. Jessica St. Claire and Lennon Parham, two of our favorites are with us on Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We are back. What else can people watch and listen to? They can listen to your amazing podcast, which is called Womp It Up. You can go and listen. You know what's nice about having our show canceled is nothing after doing the best work of our lives.

It's really one of our favorite things. It is so phenomenal. You're so sweet. And you guys were so funny. Holy cow. You mean the way we bullied you guys were so funny. Holy cow. You played the customer. You mean the way we bullied you guys into like putting us on the show? No, we already was going to do it.

But then we chose it. We wrote you a full episode. You wrote beautiful. And we put ourselves in a hot tub with you. Oh my God. Put you in those robes. Matching robes. We had to sit in a hot tub that was not hot.

Or bubbling. It was. Or bubbling. All of our knees touching. And it was filled with bugs. And yes, if you want to feel creeped out,

you want to get into a hot tub in the middle of day with 40 people watching. It's not a sexual thing. And you keep feeling someone's calf or their knee or their finger.

Remember we kept floating up? Yeah, we kept floating up because we were on these milk cartons. Suddenly the whole game for us was can we make Lennon laugh? So what can we do to make Lennon bust a scene and ruin it? So we had to sit in it longer

because when you see the bloopers of it and you can find those bloopers online. Yeah. Yes. I'm just like, Lennon? At one point I go, think of something sad like a dead grandmother, Lennon. At one point I go think of something sad, like a dead grandmother.

Lennon, I am so sick of this shit because you guys kept popping these frozen grapes in your mouth. I didn't do frozen grapes. Was that your choice? I can't remember. They might've given it to us. In a Tupperware.

And you kept saying, get off all in that grape, my brother. Oh my God. My brother really put it over the edge. Everyone needs to watch that. But also, too, you kept doing those dance. Remember when we did the dance moves?

Yes. We were at the top of the dock. Yeah, there was a part where you had to do a dance. Do an in-sync dance move. It was so dumb. And it's great to put twins in matching outfits as adults. That makes people feel so sick. Oh, my God.

That was so stupid. But the great thing is that people are discovering, you know, like people who they never promoted our show, so we are getting more viewers now from like people on Twitter or texting each other like, hey, you should check out this show. And so they're finding

it on iTunes or Amazon. And then also our first series we did, which was also canceled after six episodes. But amazing. Best Friends Forever. They're going back to the canon, you know? and then also our first series we did which was also cancelled after six episodes Best Friends Forever, they're going back to the canon you know I think it's still on the

USA Network app if you have cable you can like watch it you want to do another one? this was sent in by Perla at PX Caballero love this lady C-A-B-A-L-L-E-R-O. I do love this lady. All right.

Thanks, Perla. Thanks, girl. Here we go. Saturday was Jacob Kaczynski's big day. Sounds like the story of a Southside Chicago boy just trying to make it. More like the beginning of a children's book. Mark Wahlberg has optioned this. This is about a bar mitzvah, I'm pretty sure.

His whole family, many from out of town, saw the Charleston, South Carolina student graduate from his Christian-based homeschool program. He homeschooled college? Yeah. No, high school. Oh, high school. That's a lot.

That's a lot. My daughter's in a gymnastics program, and it's really competitive, and there are some kids on the team that go 25 hours a week. Yeah. Some go 40 hours a week and they get homeschooled. It's the only way you're going to make it.

It's my own. And they won't. None of these kids are making it. I want to tell all the parents and everybody else. You are not making it to the Olympics. No. And can they get a scholarship though? Maybe.

Maybe. But I'm like, it's a lot to do. Think of how much you do for your kids. It's a lot to then plan a curriculum. No, no, no, no. Never. Never.

Never. Well, he graduated from his Christian-based homeschool program with a 4.89 GPA. Yeah, because your mom's looking great. I know. They're like, if I was grading my daughter's things, I'd be like, you tried A plus. You're the best. With the coveted honor of Suma, cum laude. Sure, sure.

Yeah, right? It's everything in this. None of this matters. Right. It's all in your own house. Yeah. His mother, Kara Kaczynski, organized a graduation party for her 18-year-old son. For the occasion, she ordered a cake online from the nearest grocery store, Publix.

Yeah, we know Publix. Yeah, we know Publix. It's a Florida-based supermarket. We've had a lot of instances. A lot of instances at a Publix. Starting a Publix party. In this show, oh yeah. Side note, the sheet cakes at Costco, fucking great. Remember that?

Because they use all the chemicals. We went to a graduation going away party, Lennon, and remember that cake? Mm-mm. It's delicious. Nick Kroll had a great joke once on Twitter. He was like,

show your girlfriend you love her. Buy her a grocery store sheet cake. Yes, and that's true. If it's from Costco, thank you. Or Ralph's or wherever. Publix cake is got, because they put in

all the bad stuff you're not supposed to use anymore. Yes, they do, and you want to eat it. All right, go ahead. Well, Publix lets customers build their own cakes complete with customized inscription, which they enter into a little message box.

I can see where this is going. Kaczynski said she was so busy preparing things for the celebration that she sent her husband and her sister to the store to get some last-minute items and pick up the cake. My favorite part of every party is the person who is yelling at people to help them do something for this party before it starts. Get!

We have so much to do. And then one person's like, you guys got ice, right? God damn it! There's always like the one, like, or like, I was like to Lennon, Lennon had to, you had to get a surgery. And I was like, please let me help you with your daughter's party. And I felt so good about myself. And then like literally fucked up every single thing

on the list. And like five minutes before the party I'm like, I didn't get cups! Like losing it. Cups is a big one. Cups! Why don't you get cups? Because you don't think of it in the moment. You know what I hated every party? Graphic napkins. Like just get some goddamn

paper towels those like they're colored they're not good they're not absorb they don't absorb and you're like here do you want these with cake and ice cream two things you definitely need to wipe your mouth or hands off with it because they will do nothing for you i'm just gonna put the cake and the ice cream on it well how about this lennon had an ice cream cake debacle which you cannot get a large no because i wasn't in charge of it, again, because I had had five days earlier a spinal surgery, which didn't allow me to... And also I was on Norco, and I was just acting like Jesus. Acting like Jesus. But we're used to Lennon taking care of everything.

So when we had to take the reins, Jesus take the wheel. So a Baskin-Robbins cake showed up at at our house and it did not fit in our freezer. So then we had to maybe cut off a section of it or cut it in half. Then there was like a maybe we were going to turn it at an angle. And I'm just standing in the corner like, like, like, like I can see, but nobody can hear me or something. Anyway, we finally decided we're going to cut off the side. I watch Jennifer and my mom slicing it open, and then my husband walks in and he goes, they spelled it wrong.

It was happy birthday? Happy birthday. So why are we trying to preserve a cake that is fucked up anyway? There's some gay guy's birthday party in West Hollywood who's like, why is it? I said birthday. Where is my cake? Where? This is supposed to come in.

A 245 pound man. How do you misfit the thing that you write every single cake? Yeah. Birthday. B-A-I. No. R. Birthday.

Because the A-R is kind of cute. No. That's the old English way of saying it. B-A-R. B-A-R is kind of cute. No. That's the old English way of saying it. B-A-R. Happy birthday. Hey, happy birthday. Anyway. What'd you do?

Well, we had another cake. But you cut it up. You brought it. It still tasted delicious. That's the only thing people ate. Nobody cared what it looked like. We blew the candles out on the other cake, and we cut that one up and ate it. Just put that cake and faced it in the corner, and it was called the Bear Witch Project.

Ask our brothers. Send all your heat to me. Okay, good. When they returned from the store, that's her sister and her husband, everyone gathered around the cake. What, like it's an old-time radio in the 40s? Yes. Looky here. Everyone gathered around the cake.

When they opened the box, there it was. Congrats, Jacob. Summa blank latte, class of 2018. C-U-M. Publix did not want to write that word on a cake and left it out. Because they viewed cum as to be a bad word. Publix was like, uh-uh. Does that mean someone at Publix doesn't understand what

summa cum laude is? 100% they don't. It's so they're like, I'm not doing this sexual Latin. It didn't say summa cum loudly. It said summa cum laude. Publix was like, no. So they must have thought it meant summa cum. Gonna get summa cum. Somebody named Law.

Somebody's like, sum cumming, Law. Yeah. Summer cumming. Happy birthday. There's a rape in that song, right? Yeah, 100%. They literally asked, did she put up a fight? That's some dark guys.

I would then return that with, do most women put up a fight? She didn't. She didn't. She gave in. Suma blank law day, class didn't. She didn't. She didn't. She gave in. Summa blank laude, class of 2018. Jacob was, quote, absolutely humiliated. Oh, come on. Easy there, bro.

What did he do? You think an 18-year-old gives a shit? Are you going to get shit for the other seniors in your school? This is why you need to go to school. But you're not because nobody was at your party because you were homeschooled. You're the only one there. This is the problem with homeschool. When you go to a high school, someone calls you dirty Jew and stuffs you in a locker.

Whoa, I hope not. That happens. That happens. But then you don't care so much if it doesn't say come on your cake. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's great. We wanted cum on our cake and we did not get it.

Yeah! Happy birthday! You're in line behind those people. You're like, they have a much stronger case than me. Why is this cake so salty? That's weird. You ordered it, ma'am. Yeah. We did not order vanilla.

Wait, does this mean that this kid is also valedictorian? Yes! He's also most popular. He's everything. Unless his sister got a 4.9. Oh. Nailed it. That's what she said. I don't know what that means. He is most likely

to move into the basement. If any townie is listening to this right now and you are being high school homeschooled or your parent, you're a parent. Please write in.

Also, please make a yearbook. Yes. Yes. The kitchen. Just you playing Xbox. Like, by the way,

the joke's on us because they're having the time of their life. They don't have to sit through any of this shit. They get to go on all these like awesome field trips.

Also, any of those three people out there that are like, you guys are disparaging what is actually a true curriculum. This is a comedy podcast. Thanks for signing up. Exactly. This is all accredited. Home school people are actually, they graduate higher IQ, more self-confidence. They learn more. They're crushing gymnastics.

Yes, we just don't know. We don't understand. So they say that Jacob was absolutely humiliated, which I don't believe. He was not absolutely humiliated. Unless his mom never taught him humility when he was a senior. Quote, it was unbelievable. I ordered

a special graduation edition cake. I can't believe I'm the first one ever to write summa cum laude on a cake. You're in Florida. You might literally be the'm the first one ever to write summa cum laude on a cake. You're in Florida. You might literally be the first person. Maybe no one graduates summa cum laude. Because Gitzke said she then had to explain why the grocery store censored cum

from Jacob's cake to, she had to explain it to, her 70-year-old mother while Jacob's friends laughed uncontrollably. It's a great moment. Grandma will not let it go. You tell me why it isn't on there. Okay, Mom.

At least he has friends. That is the good news. That's the most shocking part of the story. And they got the joke. The mom made a child who made another child, so she understands what come is. But isn't she also...

What are the other things? They have to go through who made another child. So she understands what cum is. But isn't she also... No, but she has to be like, what are the other things? You know, they have to go through the other list of names for it. But here, wait, I have a question. What did she call it? Isn't summa cum laude, though, for college? And isn't, like, valedictorian for high school?

I have no idea. So technically he was the valedictorian of his class, or the salutatorian, but the valedictorian. That's weird, yeah. So summa cum laude is like... Would they not put dick in the middle of valedictorian? Like, I don't understand. They would probably spell it D-I-C-K.

D-I-C-K. On purpose. T-O-R-I-N-A-N. Jacob didn't eat much of the cake, guys. Oh, he was that mad? Because it was covered in cum. But his mother says the chocolate and vanilla cake

was delicious. Yeah, of course. Okay, fine. Kaczynski called Publix on Monday and explained the situation to the assistant manager. You want to go top? You gotta ask for the manager. The assistant manager is taking his time out of his homeschooling.

Yeah. His high school home. She said she doesn't want this to happen to anyone else in the future. Publix offered to remake the cake. This is now Monday. That's crazy. No, give me the money back. I'll take a remake on the cake. I'll do a redo remake the cake. This is now Monday. That's crazy. No, give me the money back. I'll take a remake on the cake. I'll do a redo on the cake.

We'll do a remake on the cake. That's so you can do your secret binge eating at late at night. I have to eat it. It's going to go bad. Put it in the trunk. And then why do you keep going out to the garage? Nothing. No reason at all.

Just come back and you're a little wired. Then she said, no, you only graduate once. Technically not true. You can graduate multiple times in your life if you want. Maybe. Hope. Maybe. Maybe.

Okay, I'm going to ask you guys. So they refunded her for the cake. How much do you think a summa cum laude Publix sheet cake costs? And who wants to go first, second, third, or fourth? You are our guests, Glenn and Jessica. This is like a deal or no. What price is right? Yeah. I wish we had people yelling at us higher. They are. And who wants to go first, second, third, or fourth? You are our guests, Ron and Jessica. This is like a deal or... No, what's Price is Right. Yeah.

I wish we had people yelling at us. Higher! They are. They are. We just can't hear them. We can't hear them. They're all yelling at their... Boy, I'm going to just go with...

You know what? No, I'm not going to go with my first instinct. What do you think it costs in Florida for a graduation cake with your own message? I was going to say $11.99, but that seems extremely low oh okay i agree low i so whatever i'll stick with it all right 1199 yes i'll say 2971 yeah hi that's too high not specific enough jay jason sclar 42 50 42 50 randy's. Yeah, no, I think it's 35.36. Okay, you ready for this? Yeah.

Tonys, get your answers in at home, work, or wherever you are right now, because, well, I will tell you, they also gave her a store gift card, but that is not factoring into this total. They gave her a store gift card. That's nice. For how much? It doesn't say. Probably 20.

The amount refunded for a Publix sheet cake with an edited dirty message on it that you have to explain to Grandma totaled $70. Oh, my God. $70. That's too much money for a grocery store cake. I understand the rage. That's insane. $70. And I showed you the cake. Does that look rage. That's insane. 70 bucks. And I showed you the cake. Does that look like a $70 cake?

It sure does. Maybe it's bigger than we think it is. That's what she said. There we go. Jacob, she didn't know. She just said she speculated, maybe. Jacob can now laugh about the situation and is focused on getting ready to attend Wingate University in the fall where he received

a full academic scholarship. Where he's going to fucking lose his mind. Exactly, where he won't know how to function with other people. He'll go crazy and he'll just do every drug under the sun. Go ahead. I was just going to say, you always want to room with the homeschool kid because they're going to go

the most nuts. You know how the Amish go on rum shrooms? He's going to go on a cum spring no gross you want to do it or you want me to do it at school our brothers they send all of your quotes this is what we'll get out of maybe this is what after further reflection mother kazinsky says maybe i should have just gotten him his favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream instead. Yeah. Or maybe you should have let him go to school with other kids. Yep.

I love that that's what you're regretting. That's what you're regretting. You're regretting giving him a social life. You're regretting giving him a social life. For a fucking she-kick from Portland. Someone's got to teach these guys economics. No one's teaching economics in this house. That's right.

I do think the name of the episode has now come to me. It has to be. When we come back, just give us a little taste of our final quick story. That's what. I do think the name of the episode has now come to me. It has to be. When we come back, just give us a little taste of our final quick story. That's what she said. Just give us a little taste. That's what Publix said.

Dan, what is it? A man refuses to be robbed. Okay, there you go. All right. Landon Parham, Justice of St. Clair with us right here on Dumb People Town. Staless, we have one more story.

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan, take us We have one more story. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan, take us home. These guys are, by the way, great social media followers. Oh, yeah. Follow them on Twitter. Oh, all right. And see in the tweets.

Okay. Yeah. At Lennon Parham. What am I, Lennon? St. Clair Dodge. At St. Clair. What am I? It's like something horrible.

It's like at St. Clair underscore. Score Jessica. There you go. That's right. That's horrible. Terrible. Terrible. At least it's easy to find.

Great. Here we go. Sent in by Adam at Three Chord Me. Great. Sounds sort of like a Three Dog Night song. Here we go. Holland, Township, Michigan. Know it well.

It's near Ann Arbor where we went to college. All right. Despite an armed man trying to rob him, Jared Cluting said he refused to give the perpetrator his Louis Vuitton bag. All right. No, no, no. Is this worth fighting for? It is, kind of.

It is. This is where we grab video. Lenny took a sip and almost did a spit take. I don't know who this guy is, but I am on board. He's definitely a RuPaul's Drag Race fan. Jared Kluding. Jared Kluding. Jared.

And when somebody, apparently, when there's a gun involved, you do do whatever they say, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? You don't start contradicting when a gun is there. I don't care if Louis Vuitton is involved. Yeah, you go where you do it.

I don't care if you are Louis Vuitton. You don't run. You don't. You just do it. You just hand it over. Which I believe was Nike's logo. Yeah, just do it. When the gun goes off, you just hand it over.

Just do it. Just do it. Okay. Don't video my fucked up face. I couldn't see. Don't you dare. My face, I'm molting right now. For the record, you've never been more beautiful.

I'm molting. You look gorgeous. You look gorgeous. You look gorgeous. You're in a silk shirt. A brand new flat. I just have to prove that you guys are here. A flowy blouse.

A boozy. Those both look great. I'll give you a final cut. You can look at it at the end. A boozy blouse. All you a final cut. You can look at it at the end. A boozy blouse. All right. All right. Okay, you ready for this?

Yeah. So gun to him and he's like, mm-mm, mm-mm, Louis Vuitton. Louis V. Is this Kanye? What's happening? The robbery attempt happened around 5 p.m. Monday. That is rush hour robbery.

Yeah. Outside of what kind of store? As the victim walked along Riley Street west of US 31 in Holland Township. This is just like residential home walking. I'm going to take my Louis V and I'm going to walk by the highway. Walk it out. Walk it out, bitch.

Walk it out. I'm going to run with this shit up and down. The would-be robber pulled a gun on Cluting, demanding the bag. Jared Cluting explained what happened when he returned to the scene of the crime for an interview on Tuesday, which means he was like, you guys want to meet back where it happened and I'll do the interview there? Absolutely. They were like, yeah, of course.

He definitely wants to recreate it. Yeah. He's definitely into it. It's his corner. It's his corner. It's his corner of the world. It happened very fast. In one motion,

he took the gun out of his waist belt and with the other, he put a bandana over his mouth and pointed like, give me your bag. So he doesn't say it. Also, so the guy walks up, uncovered face. That's crazy. Then covers his face like I'm doing now, perfect for microphone work.

And then pulls out a gun and points. Doesn't say it. Just kind of says, like, tip the bag. By the way, that's a lot of stuff. I give him a little bit of credit for getting so many things done in that quick instant. Well, if you're going to approach someone, let's say the only two people, and it's 5 p.m., so it's well lit. Very well daylight.

You can't approach someone with it up. Oh, yeah. Because people are going to be like, who's that psycho with a bandana over their face? Right, that's a good point. So you got to pull it up. This is practical. Yeah, it was.

I'm just going to walk down the street the way. It wasn't premeditated for sure. I think it just happened in the moment. Yeah. He saw that bag, he had to have it. He had to have that bag? Mm-hmm. That's what we call a Carrie Bradshaw pulling a Sex and the City.

It's an impulse. Gotta have it. An impulse holdup. Jared says, quote, I was like, you are not getting my Louis Vuitton. Yes. I worked very hard for this, and this bag, and I've had it forever, and it means a lot to me. I wasn't about ready to relinquish it've had it forever, and it means a lot to me. I wasn't about ready to relinquish it to some thug who was going to demand it from me.

Relinquish. A rich person wouldn't get it. Relinquish. Relinquish. A rich person would not understand this. No, he did. He worked hard, and he wants the fucking bag. That's right.

Cluening said he paid good money for the bag and said it's a design that is no longer in production. Well, then he's giving more information about it. Well, now he's saying, and there's a lot to say to a guy who's trying to rob you. Quote, I love Louis Vuitton, and I saw this bag long before, and do you think the reporter's like, we get it. I saw this bag long before I could buy it, and I saved up my money to buy it. It means a lot to me. It represents me.

I wasn't about to relinquish my personal property. Just a question. Was this bag a meaningful bag to you? Yes. We can't tell. No one can really understand how you feel about that. Is there a moment where the robber, knowing now that that was the guy, if Hattie got in the bag, he would have said, someone would have said he went to Jared, like in that moment.

Yes. Yes. Where'd you get that bag? I went to Jared, man. Okay, good. To those who think he's crazy for not giving up the bag, Jared Cluting had this to say. I love now it's about that. Now it's about the people who are like, you're an idiot.

He now is. He survived a robbery. I mean, he's a hero as far as I'm concerned. Guys, hate is going to hate. That's true. Hate is going to hate. Okay. This is what he had to say to people who think he's crazy.

And if any of you can help me understand it, please do. As my grandmother would say, this is quotes. As my grandmother would say, if you're born to hang, you'll never drown. What? If you're born to hang, you'll never drown. Meaning if you die by a hanging, you're never going to go swimming ever again. As my grandmother would say, if you're born to hang, you'll never going to go swimming ever again as my grandmother would say if you're born to hang you'll never drown

I will say this I recently played hangman with my son and I was like this is a violent game what are we doing here we're talking about hanging a human being we're putting a human being life on the line here because you can't spell out summer school maybe he deserved it

that seems like what's that horrible movie I can't spell out summer school. Maybe he deserved it. Okay. That seems like, what's that horrible movie I can't see? Saw? No. What's the one where they have to play a game? There's some trailer that has scared the shit out of me where they're just like, truth or dare? Is it called truth or dare?

That's a movie. Happy Death Day? That one scares me. That's a cake on that one. Is there ever a horror movie, your time of the horror movie, that one where there's like a little kid singing like a nursery rhyme in a creepy way?

She can't handle any of them. I'm just kidding. That one, every single one. If you're born to hang. I don't think it means from a tree, guys. I don't think the reference is. I got my bag. You can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

I don't know how funny that is. Well, that's what he wants everybody to know. He said, if you didn't hear it, he said, I got my bag. In the end, I have no regrets about how I handled the situation. He proudly carries his bag, now more special than ever. He says, I got my bag. You can pry it out of my cold, dead hands. Don't put somebody to that, Jared.

No. Jared says he was not going to change anything about his way home, and if anybody has a problem with it, they can try to take his bag. All right. Wait, but so what did we don't know what the robber did. They just so they ended up leaving

and then the cops find the guy two blocks away in a car looking exactly like the guy that he said he was. And what is he doing? Taking a nap or something? I mean, what do you do? Sunglasses on?

Yeah. Hazards on? He didn't know how to disguise himself. A couple Sutter homes cracked open. Sutter homes on the dash. There we go. Is that a show? There's a show.

Who whomped it up in Dumb People Town. How about that? What would Wampler say about this show? What would she have to say about the behavior she witnessed? Well, first of all, she would definitely take her tit. She would have done every single thing that Mittner did. But not drunk.

But not drunk. She would have just done it. But not drunk. She would have just done it. Stone cold sober. She would have just done it. And she would have ordered the cupcake and she would have ordered the cupcake and she also would have refused but it wouldn't have been

a Louis Vuitton bag. It would have been her favorite pair of umbros which is the only thing she can put on her her grimace shaped body. That is a perfect way to end this episode.

Jessica St. Clair, Lennon Palm, thank you guys so much for coming. Thanks for having us. We love you guys. We love you guys. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. It's a good show.