Dumb People Town - Jillian Bell - I'll Go Wrong But I Won't Go Right

Episode Date: August 24, 2021

This week Jillian Bell comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a woman who refuses to get off a tractor. The second story is a woman's revenge. The final story is about a man who just wants his drugs back.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Bell. Jillian Bell. Welcome to the show. I'm the mayor of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Bell. Jillian Bell. Welcome to the show. I'm the mayor of Dumb Town. Yes. Today, mayor elect.

Dumb People Town is a town that we all traverse in all the time. You don't need a passport. We do. You definitely don't need a passport. We've all spent a little time there. You don't need to be vaccinated. No, you don't need to be vaccinated. Nothing.

Nothing. For anything. No. For measles. Everybody's got tests. Everyone's got measles. Everyone screams and don't need to be vaccinated. Nothing. Nothing. For anything. No. For measles. Everybody's got tests. Everyone's got measles. Everyone screams and sings in each other's mouth. That's right.

A few people have the mumps. Everyone's on Facebook. Dude, you got to watch out for them. And napkins are plates. Napkins are always plates. And we all have relatives who live there right now. So let me tell you how this works. Our awesome fans send us stories that they find,

and they're out there. They're like our dumb ears on the ground, okay? Dumb boots on the ground. And they find us stories, and they send them to Dan. It's the easiest thing you do. All you gotta do is tweet at Dan Ovea and Kirk, hashtag dumb people town, and then that's the thing. That's how I find it.

That's how I know it's for me. Okay, so let's- And that's how he knows who sent it in first. Because a lot of times it's the same stories. And I do very little work just grabbing three dumb stories, and then we get two. The rest of us do. We each have a steering wheel.

We can all drive the car. Yeah, if any of these remind you of anything, someone from your own life, someone you wish you were, someone you hope you never are. If you want to become one of the characters, you can. That's how we do it. You're in control. You're the mayor. I am.

Okay. It's my town. It is your town. Here we go. It's your time. You want to do one? Let's do one. Sent in by J Melville.

Oh, I love him. I do too. God, I love him. Jack Quack 79. Jay is a new Tony, I love him. I do too. God, I love him. At Quack79. Jay is a new Tony, I think. I've never gotten a story from Jay. There we go. I love this story because we worked with you on a character who played by her own roles, right?

Yes. And this is a story about a woman who does that. I love her too. She's liberating. Liberating. Dan, is this feminism? Are we really at the core of feminism? Here's the headline.

Woman on tractor arrested after joining the Rockwall 4th of July parade without permission. Live your dream. So I will say this. She's a track star. She's a parade star. Have you ever driven a tractor before? No, I have not. Have you either of you?

I have. Have you? Yes. So my question for you, Dan, is when you are on a- Well, a real one. If you're in a combine, like a real, real tractor, the technology is amazing. If you're on just an old school, big wheel tractor- Old school tractor.

That's what I think. When you're on a tractor, Dan, and because you've driven one, do you feel more powerful than if you're driving a regular tractor? Really? You also feel like, I could do something. I could work the land, which I grew up working on farms and stuff. But you feel like, what do you want to do today? I'd like to imagine that this woman took one of the old school tracksuits.

Old school. It's not new. It's not up to date. I have photos. You can't plug in a knife. I have photos for you. Oh, you do? Yes.

Oh, it is? Is it old school? It is old school. Okay. So she took like a Jeff Deere. And you know, at some point that day, not at the parade location, but at some point she said that day, tell me I can't be in a parade. That's right.

And no one was around to hear it except her. She said it to herself. You know she was whispering. She goes, I go left. We know what's there. We know what's there. The crops. That's right.

I go right. I heard they're throwing a parade today. I'll take the road less traveled in this tractor. I filled out the form. Or she didn't. Or she just stumbled upon a parade. She's just driving a tractor around. Let me join this up.

Like the happy drunk guy from the bar that wanders into the wedding reception. And he's like, hey! A wedding? And you're like, hey. A wedding? And you're like, yeah. Who are you with? I'm with everybody. Who's side are you on?

Whoever's winning. No, bride and groom. I've let that guy stay at a wedding reception. I was like, he feels all right. I like this guy's vibe. If someone walks into a reception and says, a wedding? Yeah. Get them out.

No. Get them out. Because you know what? The next thing they're going to say is, come on, let's go to the bar. I'm buying. They're like, it's open, you son of a bitch. I just remembered I crashed a wedding once. Yes. When? It was in Vallejo, California.

Okay. And I was shooting a movie out there. I had a very small part in The Master, which is a P.T. Anderson movie. And Jesse Plemons was in it with me great actor amazing and the two of us noticed that in our hotel in our really like it's a really shitty hotel you can say shitty in hotel right sure okay you can say the word hotel yeah

more of a motel but it's fine yeah we'll allow it we'll. And we noticed it was like, you know, God bless Michael and Beverly. And we were like, we're going in. And we went in and I remember I got a chicken and pineapple skewer. Yes, come on. Now, did you go as a couple? Did you say we're here together? I think we did. Did you get recognized?

That helps. No, because it was like the first, I literally had done probably the first season of Workaholics. And then I did this. But he had already done Friday Night Lights. That's true. Yeah. And I feel like that would play big. I bet they would have.

But he also. But he looked very different from Landry. Like he he didn't look like a young kid anymore. Yeah. He didn't look like a young kid. I mean, he still looked young. But yeah, right. It wasn't like that's Landry.

I mean, I don't know. Maybe probably somebody. Had you done the show we did with you, Partners, on CBS? No. No. So you hadn't done that? That gem hadn't happened yet. That was super fun to do with you.

Oh my gosh. I love that you crashed the wedding. Did you guys like doing that show? We had a blast doing it because they just let us do it. I love the creators so much, Max and David. They're amazing. But I don't think I'll ever do a multi-chamber. Well, I mean, there are all the issues with that, yes.

Times a million. But you crashed your wedding. I crashed my wedding. And not on a drink? I'm sure I had a drink. I'm sure I had a drink. And I kept saying something like, I know Betty. Like, everybody has a Betty.

When I was in Austin, I crashed the Bachelors of Austin debutante ball. No, you didn't. Yes. I had black jeans, and I had a black jacket, and it was black tie, tie, tie. Oh. I kind of like lorded around it a little bit.

I got back, and my show was done. We just did an early. Were we at the Driscoll? No, this was at the Omni, right? In downtown. And I had watched them earlier they did had to do the whole

debutante bow and this used to be a thing where people would present their now of age daughters to the bachelors in Austin and hope one of them picked them for marriage

it goes back that far and they're still doing the form of it but I don't know can I be honest I would do that now so so I like

kind of hang around there and it's very open ended as to where people can come in. I kind of and then I get up to the bar and I lean in and I'm like a bartender goes, you want something? I go, yeah, I guess. Just give me like a Jack and Coke. And then the person next to me goes, dress down.

And I go, I know, but it's my sister's thing. Like I told my parents I'd be here for 10 minutes. They said black tie. And I said, I'll wear black. That's as far as I'm going. And the dude was like, I feel you, man. I wish I didn't have to wear anything either. And then after that, that was my anchor, that guy.

So now I know him. Then I met other people. And the rest of the night, I ended up on stage with the band. No, you did not. I swear to God. I swear. Dan, did you do your bartender trick? Which one?

Give him 40 bucks. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then he'll take care of it for the rest of the night. I ended up, one of the bachelors of Austin- At a non-cash bar. Give him 40 bucks and he'll take care of it. Gave me his sash to wear. So now I'm wearing one of the sashes.

I brought one of them out of the closet. So I'm with you. And it was magical. Oh, it was mad. I mean horrible disgusting patriarchy shit there's nothing going on there's nothing going on

you're like I gotta do this you're like Joaquin Phoenix is in his motel room just preparing so hard getting into character

and we're crashing away and we're crashing away like I know Betty that's right I know Betty it's fine getting chicken skewers by the way

you're preparing for your role in a different way thank you a different role not the same movie it's fine getting chicken skewers by the way you're preparing for your role in a different way thank you a different role not the same movie it's a future movie that you will get hired for

it may not have happened yet well here's what happened at the parade yes a woman was arrested while driving a tractor Saturday after police said

this is in Rockwall Texas she let him on a low speed test police said she refused to cooperate with officers I would also say life. Ma'am, pull over the tractor.

Ma'am, pull it over, ma'am. I'm not doing it. You are still behind the flow. I'm not doing it. You're behind the thing. You need to pull it over. Pull it off the route, ma'am. Give me a good direction of where to go and what to do.

Go right. Go right. Well, I ain't going right today. Go right. Not today, I'm not. I'll go wrong. I'll go wrong, but I won't going right today. Go right. Not today, I'm not. I'll go wrong. I'll go wrong, but I won't go right. She refused to cooperate with officers and parade officials.

Somebody named Deb. Someone named Deb. You know it's somebody named Deb. I am writing a movie about parade officials as of now. So someone with a scepter definitely was like, ma'am, get her out of here. Here's what I love. They say she refused to cooperate with officers and parade officials by joining the Rockwall 4th of July parade.

Not by attempting to join. She did join. She joined. She was successful. She joined. She's like, I brought all these goddamn candies and I'm throwing them out. By the way, it should be open to all, right? Why not?

What's another tractor in the parade? Would people who were watching that parade, and God help you if you're like, what are we doing today? We're going to go watch the Rockwall parade. For those people, if they saw a woman in a tractor, would they be like, this is crazy. This ruined my parade. Rose Bowl, I get it.

You got to be, your float has to go with everybody else's. Well, although you're watching the Rose Bowl parade, people have these things decked out. They've spent months figuring it out. And then there's just this woman in a tractor just confidently moving along. But to me, I'm like, she knows who she is. This happened at about 1130 a.m. when police were called about, ready for her name?

It's perfect. This is what you type in to final draft. Lori Bostic. Oh, I'm so excited. I want you to type in the final draft. Okay. Lori Bostic. Lori Bostic was causing a disturbance while driving a tractor in the Rockwell 4th of July Parade staging area near Utley Middle School.

Lori Bostic has been causing a disturbance her entire life. Right. Tell me when she wasn't. How many people have said, is Lori coming to the party? I'm not coming if Lori's coming. Someone has to tell her two drinks. Someone has to tell her two drinks. Someone has to tell her two fucking drinks. Who's going to drive her home?

Okay, everybody else gets there. Before we start the party, I need to know who's on Lori. Who's on Lori tonight? Because I was on Lori last night. Come on, Lori, no. Who's on Lori duty? Lori Bostic was not allowed to partake in the parade route, but police said she refused to cooperate with parade officials and officers

and decided to join the parade anyways. It's her day. It's her day. It's her day. It's her day. Like, we don't, to me, there are so many times when we curb ourselves and saying, I'm not good enough.

I'm not worthy. This woman is not just saying, I'm worthy in life. She's like, I'm worthy to join a parade. And I'll tell you something, every small town, there will come a point, maybe you're new, maybe you've got a lot of heritage, but there will be a year or there will come a time when someone will look at someone else, one of your parade officials, and go, why aren't more people joining the parade? That's right.

We need more people in the parade. Don't turn this away while you have it. In a time of apathy, this is someone who wants to be involved. Actually be a part of it. I want to know so many facts about the parade. Right. How many people were in the parade officially? What's it called, Dan?

Where she joined in. The rock wall. So rock wall also, is it like rock climbing? I'm going to tell you in the picture that I'm about to show you, the amount of people I see watching

the parade is five. I'm not joking. Wait, so and she was arrested for this? Police said she was driving dangerously and refused orders from officers.

And that's what it is. They tried to pull her over. She refused to stop while driving the tractor. Wait, so, and she was arrested for this? Police said she was driving dangerously and refused orders from officers. Well, that's what it is. They tried to pull her over. She refused to stop while driving the tractor. The picture I'm about to show you, there is a cop running alongside this old ass tractor. There is a cop up by the wheel. Seems like he's trying to pull out plugs to just get it to stop. Do we see Lori?

Yes. Oh. Here you go. We'll let you get a gander first. Does it play rock wall? Look at her. Wait. Wait. Tell me. We'll let you get a gander first. Does it play rock wall? Look at her. Wait.

It's truly, there are cars parked, but there's only one car that's participating and watching that has the five people. They all have flags, mini flags. Yes. And she looks like she's shifting gears or something. She's trying to get it into third. Look at this. By the way, the tractor is smaller than a car.

The tractor looks like a character in Cars. It looks like Tater. Does it? Mater. Mater, whatever. The police officer is not even running that hard. You can tell. It's a trot.

It's a trot. It's not breaking a sweat. Ma'am, I will trot along you. It's a low-grade job. That's right. The great thing is, what if he just keeps trotting, she stays in, and people are like, oh, look, she's got the cops. She's got a police escort.

Dude, I love that she's not barefoot. She's wearing the whitest sneakers you've ever seen. And you know she has a tube of Tootsie Rolls, and that she is whipping these people. She's trying to take someone's eye out. They've been in her house for 18 years. Their heart is rocked. Heart is rocked. She's concussing people.

They're white if you open them. Officers forced her from the road, where she then drove into a fence. Sure, sure, sure. I'll park it over here. And her tractor was then disabled. Oh, God. Bostic was taking- Don't you feel like she said the whole time, no one said anything to prompt her to say

this, but she just continued to say, make me. Make me. And they're like, we're not saying anything. Make what? Make you what? Make me. Make me. Ma'am?

Ma'am? Right. And every once in a while, to herself, I promised her. And you don't even know. I promised her. Make me. Who is her? Who is her?

I made a promise. Bostic was taken into custody and now faces charges of evading arrest, interference with a processional. I didn't even know that was a charge. Dude, that is a charge. Interference with a processional. What are you in for? Manslaughter.

What are you? I interrupted a processional. Disorderly conduct, criminal mischief, and aggravated wanting to have a great fucking time. Oh, that did. You added that. Of course I did. If I was going to be arrested for anything. Right.

Interfering. And I haven't been. No, but interfering for the professional. Honestly, more than that, criminal mischief. Criminal mischief is like mischief. It's like fun. I had fun. I got into a little.

What did you get into? Criminal mischief. Criminal mischief. I'm going to ask you guys before I give you a close-up photo. Okay. Which, by the way, sometimes this does not happen. A close-up photo sometimes can be deceiving. Okay.

So just know that. How old is Lori Bostic? Oh, Lori? You are a guest. You can go first, Tig, or third. Tig would be second. I think Lori's 58. 58 years old.

I like that. I like what you're saying. 58 used to sound so old. It doesn't anymore. I'm going to say she's 44. 44. I think she's 32. 32.

Yeah. Okay. She's 32, but she's lived a... I mean, she looks 40. Get your answers in, townies. Looks 40. Get your Bostic feelers out, because Lori Bostic is 61 years old. Oh, my God.

Way to go. You guys, I almost said 62 as well. Oh, my God. I just showed. Wait a minute. I just described everyone this close up. I think she wanted to be a clown for the parade. I think that she.

This was her way of making herself a clown. I think she stopped by someone selling Icy's on the street. She doused her hair. It does look like a Kool-Aid dye. And then she punched her own nose and went, pay ho, and then got on the road. Now I want you guys to look at this. Oh my gosh.

I think she thought that the blood on her nose was going to gather at the tip. Should I put some eyeshadow on? You got enough on. Cast away. She will send herself. She scratched Adam. This is the woman who's like, I'm mad as hell

and I'm not going to take anything. I'm mad as hell and I'm taking everything. And someone's like, oh, are you a fan of Network? She's like, never seen it. Don't know what you're talking about. Which network? Which network? ABC?

Love it. Fox News? Love their Thursday night lineup. CMT? Got it. Got it. Logo? That's it.

Don't know it. Is that it, Dan? That's it. Oh, my God. That's a hell of a first story. Out of the gates. Out of the gates. So much there.

She's a wonderful character. Stealing a tractor and just joining a parade, that's got to wind up being a storyline or something. We love it. All right, Jillian Bell's with us. We're going to find out what else she's got going on and let you know some of the things we have going on on the other side of this break.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we get into what Jillian's doing and how you can watch her and support her. This is dropping on the 24th of August.

That's right. So Daniel, where will you be that people can catch you live? You can still catch me on this run of my tour, the Together Again Tour. Get your tickets at danielvankirk.com. On this run, I have left Cincinnati and Cleveland. Love it. So get your tickets there. They will sell out.

So I would rather people who are in Cleveland go to the larder. Dude, I'm just eating at Hilarity's at Food City. I know, but you still got to go to the larder. Yeah, so I can't wait. And then in September, High Plains Comedy Festival. And then I go straight into New York, Buffalo, Albany, Philly, Worcester, Boston, Pittsburgh. And I pop over the country and do Seattle and Portland. Backs up, mask up, and be responsible.

We're going to do our best to get you back here, Dan, before that. But go ahead, Jay. We have a Patreon, Sklar Brothers Patreon, where we're doing, for the first time in 15 years, new episodes of our old show, Cheap Seats. The best. It is so much fun. We did a slap fight up in Branson, Missouri.

We did a highive Competition from 1983. Basically, we watched the footage and made jokes over it. And it is like Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's so much fun. They're coming out really funny. I will say that we were nervous. We're like, without the full production team, can we pull off what we do? You're the heart.

The essence of what we do. You're the heart and the brain. But we are the show. You're the heart and the brain. You made it work. I'm very proud of it Lights and cameras So patreon.com

Slash squad brothers And we have some dates coming up We're doing some live shows Not a ton But some will be at The Moon Tower Comedy Festival In Austin September 23rd through the 26th

And then Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase The 22nd and 23rd of October And then in December In Phoenix And then In the new year In February We're making that DC date up

Nice So good stuff all around We'll put that on our website. Jillian, what can people watch you in, catch you in, see you doing? Follow you. September 1st, I'll be live in my backyard going swimming with my sister. That is sold out already. I've met your sister.

I love your sister. She's the best. She is the best. And then the 12th, I'll probably go to Granville on Ventura and get a skirt steak. I'll be with you on that. Wait, isn't that a vegetarian restaurant? No, it's not. I always get meat there.

Oh, nice. Perfect. I can confirm. That's right. So, no, you were night shooting a movie. You were allowed to talk about what it was when we did a little voice on our animated thing. Oh, what was the night shoot? You were shooting some night shoots. You were like, oh, my God, I've got to do all these night shoots. Are you allowed to talk about what it was when we did a little voice on our animated thing. Oh, what was the night shoot? You were shooting some night shoots.

You were like, oh my God, I got to do all these night shoots. Are you allowed to talk about it? Oh, wait. Well, yeah, because that's already out. I was doing Home Goods spots. Oh, really? Yes. Yeah.

Oh my God. I did a little campaign with Home Goods where I take over Home Goods and live in it. Fantastic. That's great. Yes, that was fun. The night shoot is always crazy. Can I also say- The night shoot's crazy. I I also say The night shoot is crazy

I saw you I'm getting through the movie This is what happens You have kids And you fall asleep As you're watching movies But it was great So far

I know which movie You're talking about The sword movie The Mark Maron Sword of Trust Sword of Trust You're so good in that Thank you

Michaela Watkins And you and Mark Maron Damn back at all I mean come on John Bass Toby Huss Oh my gosh Toby Huss.

He's insane. I love him. That man is amazing. And I love that movie. You know why I love that movie? Because it was for me, like a pure, like 90s indie film.

Yeah. Reminded me on, on level of like walking and talking and like movies like that, that for me, just, I don't know. It just was like, I wish I was, saw this movie at the Angelica Theater

in New York City. And it was Lynn Shelton. It was Lynn Shelton, who's incredible. And it's funny because when it came to me, I was sort of a doof because I didn't know Lynn Shelton movies and Michaela Watkins called me and was like, so here's the deal.

When Lynn Shelton wants you to be in a movie, and was like so here's the deal when Lynn Shelton wants you to be in a movie you do it and then you have the best time of your life and you fall madly in love with her

and then you watch all of her projects and so I started doing that and I was like this woman is a genius and I'm so glad I got to be involved in it

it's really good it's on Netflix right now you can see it there I think it is now I saw it on a plane and I was the greatest thing ever Watch it on a plane or maybe Netflix supported everything you do is wonderful Which is why we like scraped and scratched to get you to be a part of our dumb people town animatic you guys

for real One of the best jobs it was so much fun. I can't wait for it to be picked up for My god, it would be good forever. I mean fun. I can't wait for it to be picked up for 80 seasons. We're hoping. Oh my God, it would be great. Let's do it forever. I mean, I would love it. It'll be easy for you to do.

You can do it alongside all the other things you're doing and you're hilarious. Thank you. Like ridiculous. So good. Thank you. All right,

should we jump into the second story? Let's do it. Sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. She sends a lot of stories in. She's amazing. You know her handle. Headline is this,

woman deliberately runs red lights in ex-boyfriend's car. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. That's a statement. That is a statement. Yeah. Like, bust this guy. It's short, but it's fun.

And so she got broken up with. An angry woman was arrested in the Zhejiang province in eastern China after she deliberately ran red lights in her ex-boyfriend's car, according to local media. Can I borrow your car for one second? I just need to get some of my stuff out of the place and take it to my new place. I just need to borrow your car. Can I borrow your car for one second?

This is so funny. It's so great. It's such a specific burn. So specific. And it's delayed, because it's going to be a while. Yeah, until he finds out. Yes. Isn't it so weird?

And then he'll contest, and he'll be like, sir, this, you ran these lines. He's like, I don't even know because he'll have forgotten the day. She's going to be like, can I borrow your hat? Can I borrow your hat? You're like, why do you want my hat? You've never worn my hat. No, I just want to see your hat.

Can I borrow your hat? Can you cut my hair? Can I borrow your hat? You don't need that shirt. You don't need that shirt. Let me see that shirt. No, let me have the shirt. And the hat.

Because cut to him and be like, that is my shirt. But you know when someone's mad when they're talking like real staccato. Can I have the hat? Can I have the hat? Can I? Just give it. Can I?

Can I? What's the problem? Give me the hat. The higher you go, the more you're wondering if this should be happening. Just give it. Just give it. Oh, no, I said give it. Just give it.

We're leaving right now? We're the keys. We're leaving right now? No, give it. You know what's funny is I just saw something online about a woman who got all, okay, so her ex-boyfriend put up posters all over the place. You guys might have heard of this, where it was

a picture of Chewbacca, and it was like, call in and leave on the voicemail. It's a Chewbacca contest, so whoever sounds the most like Chewbacca. And he gave his ex-girlfriend's phone number, so now people are calling around the clock doing that. She's like, and it's just her being like,

this is the most immature person I've ever been with. And she's playing each one of them. And you're just crying laughing because it's so funny. It's such a, no one is doing it. No one thinks they're doing anything bad. No. Nobody who's doing it is like, burn this old woman who ruined my life

and broke my heart. But also, she's got to get a new number. She has to. She has to. Forever, forever. You know what's weird about this story is that her number is 3-5-6-C-3-P-O. C-3-P-O.

The tail end was like, all we have is C-3-P-O. He's okay. And the first thing... You two. It was such a funny bit. Oh, my God. They're so happy.

And then he said R2-D2 was a little lesbian. Always had tools. Okay. That's a good bit. It's so funny. All right. Anyway, here's the thing. My thing with this story.

Dan, just let him go. Go watch it. Mateo Lane's bit about C-3PO being his only character that he could have as a gay man watching Star Wars. I pulled it together. All right, Dan. My thing is China, I don't know why I don't think of frivolous boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in China. In my mind, they're just like you're a child. Everything's lined up.

You're a child and now you're married. Square it off. So this does, and I know I, you're a child. Everything's lined up. You're a child, and now you're married. Square it off. So this does, and I know I'm way off on that. Of course. But there is something, a part of me that's like, I love that this is happening. We don't get enough of these stories. You're saying you don't hear a lot of petty things

coming out of China. You don't hear, in China, the stories that make it here, yes, are not like, I'm getting back at my ex-boyfriend. I want more of that to come from there. No, it's like, we've advanced technology to a level you'll never get to. Or we now run all global banks. She's just running red lights. The woman, identified only as Lou, asked a man called Chen to rent her former partner's Audi, the State Global Times reported.

Oh, my God. So there's another step to this. So she needs someone. So he's on Truro or whatever. Truro. He's on Truro or something like that with his car. Right. Where you can, it's Airbnb in your car.

And so he's renting out his car. And so she gets a guy named Chen to be like, I can't do it because he'll obviously know it's me. You rent the car. I need you to rent this car. This is hiring a hitman. This is hiring a hitman. But then it's going to be under his name. Under Chen's?'ll obviously know it's me. You rent the car. I need you to rent this car. This is hiring a hitman. This is hiring a hitman. But then it's going to be under his name.

Under Chen's? Yeah. Under Chen's name. But if they're the- For the date. This is the reason, yes. But this is also the reason they got rid of- I'm a detective.

You are. Red light cameras here. It's unconstitutional because you ticket the person, not the car. But red light cameras ticket the car, not the person. And that's ridiculous because you can't ever, you don't know who was driving. That's right. That's like. Your car gets stolen.

Well, don't they have pictures? Isn't the camera like taking a picture of like you? Who's standing? I know. Crazy eyes, yes. Sometimes it's from behind. And then other times, yeah, they wouldn't be able to signify. And even if they did, you don't know for a fact.

By the way, this is a pretty dangerous prank too. It is. Because you're running a red light unless you're running it right as it's turning red right right just running through a red light it's like terrible okay so lou gets chen to rent the car chen then handed the car to another man called zoo wait who with lou use the car i know it. It's the best. Is this the famous lose on first bid? Yes. Lose in first.

Who used the car in a two-day marathon committing traffic offenses, the Global Times said. I love this. Zoo and Lou. I'm going to ask you guys. How many days, two? Zoo and Lou ran how many red lights before they were finally stopped by police? Red light. How many red lights did they run before finally an actual cop was there to go,

hey, you just ran a red light? This does sound like a Dr. Seuss. You can go first. 42. 42 lights. Jay, what do you think? Like 160. Okay.

Oh, I think they only did like 18. 18? But still, that's a lot. I thought of 18, too. That's so weird. Get your answers in. Zoo and Lou, the amount of red lights they ran before they were stopped up by a straight up cop, not just getting red light camera tickets, is 49. Wow.

You are on fire. You are on fire. You're on it. You guys, I am intuitive. You're the mayor. You're the mayor of Dump People Town. I'm the mayor, so I kind of know. You know your people.

I know these things. You know your constituents. Okay, 49 is a lot. I was thinking mayor, so I kind of know. You know your people. I know these things. You know your constituents. Okay, 49 is a lot. I was thinking 18 is a lot. 49 is insane. 49 is a lot. That's insane. 40, 49.

Sweet Jesus. 49. I feel like I put 18 into your brain. You did. You sent it through the microwave. Ghostbusters opening scene. The car belonged to someone known only as Quan, Queen, sorry. According to the Global Times, he had dated Lou before leaving her for another woman.

You don't do that to Lou. Following questioning by police. He put up a red light and guess what he did? Went right through it. Imagine if he had taken her tractor. That's right. Oh my God. Then you go through the red light a lot slower.

Following questioning by police, it was revealed that Lou had come up with the plan to rack up fines in a bid to spite her ex, the newspaper said, to which everyone else said, no shit. Yeah, exactly. I like it. Don't mess with Lou. Pettiness. I like it. Have you guys ever done anything mean to an ex like this?

To an ex? Yeah, I don't think I have. I don't. You know what I have? You have? I got happy again. Oh, damn. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And that was a lie, too. I got happy again oh damn wow

and that was a lie too I'm not happy I once was in a I had it done to me I was once in a relationship with another comic and I was like and this kind of

really stopped that for me completely but then we we had a terrible breakup in that you know you know what Jay

yeah she pushed me away and I wound up hooking up with someone else. It was like on New Year's Eve and she saw me kissing someone else. I'm not proud of it, but I was like, to a point, I'm like, I got to get out of this. That's also, you took advantage of the circumstance without regard of someone else's feelings. You didn't plot. But I was just, I had to get out of it. So then we were in in this like industry showcase

where we're like doing stand up in front of, and this is before we like, this is like in mid 90s. And Jay and I do our set, we're there. And this other person is there. And she got up and did like, with the industry there, like did a whole bit that like wasn't funny about how I screwed her over. And I was like, oh my God, this is just so uncomfortable.

This is insane. I just picture her getting up on stage and she hasn't said a word. And she goes, speaking of assholes. Yeah, exactly. It was that. It was that. It was literally that.

And I was like, wait, am I being looped into this? Kind of. I didn't do anything. It's a transitive property of me. Jay's like, way to go. I'm like, way to go. Tell you a quick side story. Yeah.

Jimmy O. Yang, friend of the show friend of ours love him he is in a big city he gives an opportunity to a new Asian comic of Asian descent to a brand new kid and lets him do

like a little spot like open the show so nice yeah so kid's so excited and he goes out and he starts doing Jimmy's material.

No. No. Oh my God. And Jimmy's next thing is going, what is happening right now? And there goes 10 minutes of my show. So then he comes back, right? And the feature or whatever is out there. And he goes, hey man, those are my jokes.

He's like, I know. And he's like, you can't do that. You can't do that. He didn't know. He didn't realize that that's what he was. He also didn't know that you can't do all that. He's like, oh yeah, do that. He didn't know. He didn't realize that that's what he was. He also didn't know that you can't do all that. He's like, oh, yeah, but you'll tell him funny, too. And he's like, oh, that's not.

That's not how, like, and luckily he has enough to, like, he was fine. But could you imagine the feeling of, like, what? I was going to say that that kid got hired and the kid just called me an asshole. But, Dan, that's insane. The reverse of that was done to us in the funniest way ever. Todd? Catch a Rising Star in Princeton, New Jersey. Todd Glass.

He's done this a lot, too. It's so funny. This is like 97, 96. So long ago. Todd Glass, great comedian. He was headlining. We were featuring. One of the best ever.

Beautiful man. And we were new to featuring, and we were living in New York, and so we went out to Princeton, New Jersey, which felt like so far away, and we were featuring. We were new to featuring and we were living in New York and so we went out to Princeton, New Jersey, which felt like so far away and we were doing these shows. Catch a Rising Star was like in a hotel downstairs. So we go and we do our bit and one of the bits we do is about how we found a mouse in our apartment and having a mouse, it was like living with

the worst roommate ever. And so then we just start talking about how he's like a horrible roommate and our video is like living with the worst roommate ever and so then we just start talking about how he's like a horrible roommate and how he's like just like leaving food over just like like ate all the chips but like didn't put the chip clip on it left one like what a dick and so it just becomes all this like won't stop talking about that time he spent down in atlanta we're like no one cares about that you were down in atl Like, hey, we're gonna go out and get some time. Oh yeah, that reminds me

when I was at the, we ate down at the grill. The grill is like, sounds like it could be anywhere. All right, you two, get to it. So then Todd comes out

top of his set and he starts doing verbatim our bit, the mouse bit. And to silence and the crowd is like, and he starts, he plays it,

it's such a very real acting job. And he's like, what? And he's like, whoa. And he keeps going. He's like, this normally kills. I don't know what's going on. And he keeps doing it, doing it, doing it. Did the Sklars do my fucking mouse spin?

Did they fucking do my mouse spin? Yeah, he reversed it. He acted like a pig. That's so funny. They stole my mouse. They've been watching me all week. And they stole my mouse. And the crowd is loving it.

Like going nuts. Going crazy. Because they know that he was wild. That's hysterical. And the more wilder he gets, the wilder he gets.

All right, last thing here. Zoo, Lou's accomplice, was reportedly promised a date with Lou if he joined the four wheel

revenge plot. Wow. Promised a date? I would say it's gotta be dinner. Right. It can't just be drinks. Right. Promised a date. I would say hate. She's like, it's got to be dinner. Right. It can't just be drinks. Right.

And if you fuck me over, this is going to happen to you down the road. Also, I would say, Zoo, you just spent two days with her. I know. Breaking the law. You guys are trauma bonded. Yes. Trauma bonded? Is that a new thing?

No, that's a very old thing. That's an old bond. Yeah, yeah. Wow. All right, that's story number two, my friends. There you go, story two. Give us a little taste of what we're going to see you in a date i still love it i'm sorry um a guy wants his drugs okay guy wants his drugs we're going to talk to jillian for our patreon fans ask her a question on the other side of the break but a guy wants his drugs i can't wait this dumb people town don't go anywhere Stick around Make it sound For more Dumb People Town All right, Daniel, take us home.

Here we go, ready? Set in by Donnie Face with a medical mask at Donnie Dexter 3. Being safe. Yeah. I love it, being safe. D-O-N-I Dexter 3.

Okay, Donnie. Man, I'll read you the headline. Man charged, this is short but so dumb, man charged after efforts to break into City Hall to get drugs back. Yeah. Well, they've got them. They have them.

You've got to get them back. So how's he going to get them? He's so offended that they're just going to go to waste. Those are mine. Those are mine. They're just going to waste them. They already caught me with them. They already charged me.

What are you going to do with them? Right. He's now playing that logic game. What are you going to do with them? Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. Lock Haven. Lock Haven. Lock Haven.

Lock Haven. Lock Haven. It's a haven for locks. A Clinton County man was charged after police said they caught him as he attempted to break into City Hall in downtown Lock Haven. Officers said Lyric Matthew Wynn of Lock Haven. His name is Lyric. Is this a man or a character from Willow? Lyric Matthew Wynn of Lock Haven. His name is Lyric. Is this a man

or a character from Willow? Lyric Matthew Wynn, LW, LMW. I love his hotels. Yeah, you do. Of Lock Haven, told officers he,

wanted his drugs back. According to a report, officers previously confiscated his narcotics. Want them back. What is that conversation? Like, he has one

dumb idiot friend who's not as dumb as him who's like, go get them. Go get them. Yeah, man. You want them? Wait. You know what we could do? We could just walk up and we could just say- I like what you're saying.

You got my drugs. There you go. Just say that. What are we going to do about it? Right. I'd like them back. Just say that. Dare them.

If you dare a cop, they have to do it. If you dare a cop- Dare them to give them back. They have to. Dare them. If you dare a cop, they have to do it. If you dare a cop, they have to do it. They don't have no choice. It's part of the cop code. You dare them. Dare them to give you your drugs back. Tell them you'll still face the charges. I dare you to not give me my drugs back.

I don't think you can go in the evidence room and get them. I don't think you can do it. Do you have a key? What, do you have a key to the evidence room? Oh, big tough guy with a key. You going to show me how that works? What else is in their other drugs? What, are you going to bring to the evidence reel? Oh, big tough guy with a key. You going to show me how that works? What else is in there? Other drugs?

What, are you going to bring them all out to show me? Authority said. I bet you guys don't have anything in there. I bet you can't throw them in my backpack. I bet you can't put one in my mouth and the other one in my nose at the same time. I bet you can't. Because all I do is win. I'm going to do it.

I bet you can't strangle me while I'm doing it. Whoa. Hey, this just got a lot. Wait a minute. W-Y-N-N. I love that we're just skipping over that his first name is Lyric. Lyric. Lyric.

Lyric. I know a Lyric. Really? Lyric Lewis. Really? Yes. Oh, that's nice. Lyric.

Lyric Matthew Wynn. I've never met one before. Wynn was, what did he do? Oh, he damaged three electric card readers. That's going to piss off bad men. He damaged three electric card readers? Doing what? I don't know.

Jamming it in? He's like, by the way, I want to pay for something. You have to wait for it. I'll pay for the drugs. I'll pay for them. Ma'am, I already tapped. I've tapped and I've chipped. Sir, wait for the blue light to go on.

Wait for the blue light to go on. It won't let me. That noise when the card is so mad at you that it's read your chip, too. It's like, eh, eh. Yeah. I get it. Okay, okay, okay. We're Yeah. I'm like, hey, I get it. Okay. I get it.

Okay. We're pulling it off. I get it. I get it. I literally, at that moment, because I have kids that also give me mental abuse on a daily basis, I'm like, okay, okay. Everybody stop yelling. Everybody stop yelling.

Everybody stop yelling. Everybody relax. We're done. Three electric card readers and two doors as he attempted to gain entry Into the building Nothing was going to get Between him and his drugs I literally I know I've alluded to it

But I think he did think You caught me I'll definitely do the charges But why waste these drugs This is his January 6th He's going into the government I just wish that he There was a picture of him

Just swiping on a window Just trying every which way to get in. Between two doors. It's gonna open. I swear to God. Darrett. Wynn was charged with first degree felony criminal attempt, burglary, third degree criminal mischief. Yes. There he goes. Two second degree misdemeanors of institutional

vandalism and resisting arrest along with three summary they rang him up. Oh, yeah. This guy got a... Record show win is being held at Clinton County Correctional Facility in lieu of a $125,000 monetary bail.

He has a preliminary hearing scheduled for June 15th. So this is a while ago. Hopefully everything worked out. I thought you were going to say $125, which I don't know why I thought that, but I was like, I'm going to pay it. I'm going to pay it. Let's get him out.

If you give me the drugs I can sell them to get the money for bail. That's the movie. That's Wahlberg. I'm going to ask you guys now we'll get out of here in this we will end our time with our mayor. How old is lyric? How old is lyric Matthew Wynn?

Do you want to still hold your first guess or do you want to let them go? You can go third. I'll go third. Okay Jake go ahead. I want to say he's first guess, or do you want to let them go? You can go third. I'll go third. Okay, Jake, go ahead. I want to say he's 12, but I know that's not true. I'm going to say 21. Okay.

25. Okay. I'm going to say 19. 19. That was my other one. That was in my brain. Okay. She's putting it in her.

Ready? Yep. Lyric. Lyric. Matthew. Matthew. Win. Win. To get us out of here on this. Get us out with a win. Lyric. Matthew. Matthew. Win. Win. To get us out of here on this.

Get us out with a win. Get us out with a win. For the win. Yeah. Is, get your answers in, Townies, because he is 20 years old. Oh! Price is right rules go to you. Okay, Jillian Bell just crushing it all.

It's like a clean sweep of all the- I'm going to go get lottery tickets. You better do it. You are on fire. Oh, you know Dumb People Town. Jillian Bell is our favorite. I'm so happy. Laurie Bostic.

Laurie Bostic. Laurie Bostic. She's got to go join a goddamn parade. I haven't quit smoking. You think I'm going to quit this goddamn parade? There you go. That's the show. Guys, we love you so much.

Jillian, we love you. Thank you for this show. I love you guys. And everyone listening, I love every one of you. Everyone. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound.

Tunk it down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunk it down. It's Dumb People Town.