Dumb People Town - Jim Jefferies - I'm Not Wrong Because I'm Popular

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Jim Jefferies visits to the guys to hear about a postal worker who gets in trouble but it's not his fault! In the second story, a woman enjoys a few drinks and gets takes a bag that doesn't belong to her. The third story a Rotary Club in Michigan celebrates with a 1998 Saturn. 

Skypains, out of here. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And don't, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound All you're down is Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population you. Population Jeffries. Jim Jeffries. Hello. Welcome to the show, brother. Thank you for having me. I think this show is so, as I was telling you right before we started, up your alley.

We got a chance to hang out and do your awesome podcast. Right. And we watched you do your comedy, tape your Comedy Central show, and it is, it was fantastic. First of all, I love the Comedy central show oh thank you and uh love what you do and i feel like your attitude towards life and your comedy whatnot fits perfectly with what is going on i do i do a very unique show of a guy sitting at a desk with a box over his shoulder and yeah never been done before not on comedy central not on comedy central so good job good on you uh no but we believe that the world Never been dumb before Not on Comedy Central Not on Comedy Central That's the first time On Comedy Central So good job

Good on you No but we believe That the world is getting dumber And I'd love your take on this Do you believe That it's either getting dumber Or we're just shining a light On the dumb

Or is dumber getting louder I think that the dumb people Are having more of a voice Than they've ever had Yes And it's become disrespectful To call someone stupid Right

Yes So because it's become disrespectful to call people stupid The stupid are feeling smart And emboldened in a way And also having so much information Having 600 TV channels has made us all watch narrower things That's it You know, we're just watching The Bachelorette and shit like that

How about your news feed? If you go onto a news feed and you click on a few articles Then they'll just keep throwing you articles in that area you'll see the same thing over and over and over again it's like even just like with old movies and stuff like i was talking to my girlfriend about like uh laurel and hardy and she's like never heard of him and then she goes well that was before my time i goes before my time exactly how old do you think i am yeah like you know about hitler right exactly he was also before your time i know know. And his movies were funny, but not as funny as Laurel and Hardy. Well, the thing was

because I used to have four channels. Right. And so that was what was on on a Sunday, the midday movie with some old Laurel and Hardy. That's right. And even Mar and Park Kettle films

and stuff. I know this isn't a movie show, but I mean, you got exposed to more things. Totally. Then when you're a kid now, my kid just watches the same network, just watches the Cartoon Network.

That's all he watches. And then he watches YouTube clips of people unwrapping GIFs. Which is super dumb. So dumb. It is so dumb. I mean, it's good to be happy for people who get things, but I get so mad. I get mad when my kids say they watch people on or like any sort of things like that with those those types of things because i'm like go out and create your own shit please go out and create your own

stuff like go out and do that but it is it is an amazing thing that like we are we have been made more narrow by the stuff we watch my son the only person that i've ever met or know that my son's really really impressed by is steve-o and like i like steve-o yeah great i mean but because my son's really, really impressed by is Steve-O. And like, I like Steve-O a whole lot. Yeah, great. But because my son watches Fails over and over again. There's people falling on their ass. He doesn't even know him from Jackass. No, but then I said, look, I know a guy who's really good at Fails. Oh, okay, so you should have said that.

And I Googled him a few Jackass things. He's failed at life. And then they're like, that's some good Fails. And he's like, those are epic. By the way, those are some good fails. Some good epic fails. I was once punched on stage at the Comedy Store in 2006 and got on the surveillance cameras.

And I was on one of the fail shows that my son was watching, YouTube clips and montage stuff. He just ran upstairs, dad, you're a fail. You're a fail. You're one of the fails. No way. He'd never even seen it. He was over the moon.

You're like, I am. I am a failure is what it really is. Well, here of the files. No way. He never even seen it. He was over the moon. You're like I am. I am a failure is what it really is. Well, here's the deal. So our fans send us great stories, and we're going to get into one right now if you're game for it. Dan, what do we got? Okay, you ready? Yes. All right, my friends.

This was sent in by Andrea Lewis at Andy, A-N-D-I, underscore L-E-W, two. Thank you, Andrea. Thanks, girl. As always, Andrea did what you need to do, and that is just at DanielVanKirk on Twitter, hashtag dumb people town. That is the only way that I will get stories. Let's do it. Dayton.

Ohio. You don't normally get them from there. One of the two. One of the two. So we've already, we're assuming there's another one. We aren't even dealing with that. One of the two, so we're assuming there's another one. We aren't even dealing with that. One of the two. One of the two ex-Dayton Post office workers who allegedly stole packages with drugs and sold them for money said he shouldn't be singled out because other workers do the same thing.

That is some logic. So it's the I'm not wrong because other people are also doing wrong. I'm not wrong because I'm popular. What I'm doing is the popular thing. I'm not wrong because the thing I'm doing is wrong and I'm wrong. I'm not wrong because other people are doing wrong things too. Ted Bundy could have used the same defense. Exactly. I'm not the only person who's killed people.

This has been going on since before Jack the Ripper. That's when they started recording it. Exactly. I'm just the guy who got a law degree. I got a law degree on this side. That makes me different. But the rest of these people. It's not like I'm Jeffrey Dahmer.

I killed women. I killed women. What's the problem? The whole post office. This is a quote. Speaking of the post office. Speaking of the post office. The whole post office.

Everybody steals drugs. Desmond A. Pauly said Tuesday outside of Dayton's U.S. District Courthouse where he is scheduled to be arraigned and plead Friday. I just love that people are still sending drugs through the mail. Yeah, let's talk about those idiots. The people who mail the drugs. I know. You deserve to get it stolen. But then when you

There is a thing where you mail the drugs and it's only the person who picks them up who gets in trouble, right? They can't find out who posted them. Right. So here's the way around it. You post it to your next-door neighbor. When you know they're on holidays.

Someone you don't like. You've been having a dispute about the fence, and you're like, here, I'll fix that. Look what you got in the mail. A little something like that. That is genius. Well, the idea that also that you need to mail drugs somewhere that there's no way to get whatever you're looking for in your town. Can we get everything everywhere now?

Yeah. I like to take edibles when I get on a plane. I used to take Xanax on long flights. Now I like to take some edibles and chill out on the flight. My theory is this. As long as I take them in California, am I in trouble? If I have extra with me and then I land in a non-marijuana place, what happens then?

There's no customs or anything, so they're never going to check. And LAX just announced a month or two ago that they will not be giving citations for weed. They don't care. Even though they're federally run, they don't care about all these Schedule 1s and all this shit. They're like, we don't care. Like if you're flying run They're not They don't care about All these schedule ones And all this shit They're like

We don't care Like if you're flying to Colorado not a problem Or Vegas Or Illinois Or Canada What about to Canada Because they've got it now

Because they've got customs They've got customs Going through But by the way I'll just buy some more When I get to Canada There you go Or

Mail it to your hotel No one's going to take that Sir you have a package. To another comic you don't like. That's right. In his name. That's what features are for. That's what I do at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival.

I look up the schedule. Who's going that I don't like? Carrot Top just got a package in the lobby. Wait a minute. Wait. We always wondered also if a fly flew into a plane. I love this already. Okay. In LA. In LA. And then the plane. I love this already. Okay.

In LA. In LA. And then the plane lands. It has to happen sometimes. Plane lands in Montreal. The fly flies off the plane in Montreal. Is it like, now I have to make new friends? Like, it's my new world.

Yeah, no, it's a whole new life. It's a whole new life that he wasn't expecting. First of all, new climate. There's a lot of things going on. We call that the aerial. Different language. That's the aerial. A lot of French flies. A lot of French flies.

A lot of French flies. Le flies? Le flies. They don't wash. They're terrible. They smell so bad they have other flies around them. Why are these flies circling that fly? It needs a shower.

Disgusting. He's got maggots all over him anyway. So Desmond A. Pauly said, everybody steals drugs. Sure. Quote, so ain't no reason why we should be caught. So there is a reason. So how do they find the dog at the post office? Probably.

Pauly and Tyler O. Oeder. Don't do that to your kids. Tyler O. Oeder. Yeah, but why does he put the O in there? It's his middle initial. That guy's doing it a bit. The O is for Oeder. The second O is fordor. Yeah, but why does he put the O in there? It's his middle initial. That guy's doing it the better way. The O is for odor. The O is for odor. The second O is for odor.

Who both worked at the U.S. Postal Service Distribution Center at 1111 East 5th Street. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. Have both agreed to bills of information for stealing narcotics. Odor. Pleaded guilty in April and is to be sentenced July 17th. Now, are these illegal drugs? Or is this like these pharmacy sites that send you out stuff? Illegal.

Paul, who started working at the post office in 2012, said he didn't regret taking the drug packages. Quote, I blame the post office for influencing me. How do you know when drugs are in there? Do you shake it and you're like, no, that's cocaine? We're going to get into it. I just love the idea that he's like The post office

Made me a drug thief Yeah, don't hate the player, hate the game Not any singular person, the entire organization Is set up to create drugs Where did they sell the drugs afterwards? Was it just like a single man operation? I think they just sold them around There was a kingpin

He leans all the way in on this Quote, it's the post office's fault I think they just sold them around Dayton. There was a kingpin? It's because of the Dayton Flyers. He leans all the way in on this. Quote, it's the post office's fault. They know drug mail is coming through, and they was letting me get away with it for the longest time. Things started going awry, and the post office put it all on me, and the post office don't get in trouble. I'm just not getting that. So he thinks he is a scapegoat for the entire United States Postal Service. The post office is a front for drugs trafficked all the way.

And then finally, someone's like, all right, we need a scapegoat. Let's get, let's nail this guy. Let's pin it on O-Odor. This is what I love. This is one of my favorite parts. Anthony Van Noy, Pauly's attorney, said Tuesday he was unaware his client was going to speak about the case. You have anything to say about what your client revealed today?

No idea. Is he talking? I'm Tony Vannoy, guys. I'm just doing my best. He seems like a guy who shows up to court and his belt doesn't match his suit. Or he's got like eight rings. That many rings? That's a lot of jewelry for a lawyer to be wearing.

Polly and Odor, which sounds like a show. That's a kid's show. Polly and Odor. It's just a kid and the smell that follows him. That's not a bad idea. That's a great idea. Polly and Odor were accused in a federal criminal complaint of ripping open priority mail packages they suspected included drugs and keeping marijuana and meth found inside.

Meth. Now, how do you know it's drugs? What happens if you rip one open and it's not drugs? You know what drugs look like. Oh, no. How do you? In a package? Ready?

Here you go. Perfect. This is the very next sentence. Quote, it's been stinking. It smells the package. I don't know who it is. But meth doesn't have a smell, does it? Paulie said, you could just pick up the whole package and walk out with the whole package and get away with it.

Nobody said a word. So he's still saying it's the post office's fault. But he's also saying it's been stinking. He has no free will is what he's saying. None. It smells in the package. Yes. So he's just saying weed people are not using.

Weed does smell. Weed smell. I get the weed. But cocaine or meth or anything. Cocaine definitely doesn't smell. Meth. People have tried to sniff it forever. Exactly.

They can't get the smell. Short documents indicate investigators found how many pounds of suspected marijuana. I'll tell you this. They found one pound of meth, two handguns at Pauly's residence. How many pounds? Here's one for you. Why would the drugs do we flip-flop between

metric system and your system? You got your kilo. We got kilos, pounds, grams. And then an eighth is like we're back into your system. I think it's because of origination what system is Mexico on?

same as us? they're in the metric system Mexico's in the metric system? I thought they were I feel like they're not this is dumb people town I became an American citizen but I won't convert to your system.

Everything for you is in metrics. Especially with temperature. It's a perfect measurement. Zero is freezing. 100 is boiling point. That's very true. That's fucking perfect. It is.

You can't dick around with whatever freezing is here. 32 or something. I mean, you drove like 11 kilometers to get here today. And it felt like a lot. I don't know. Yeah. I do like a pound. Yeah. And a yeah because it's easy to lose a pound right you're gonna have it you're gonna have a big shit and go lost a pound that's a real that's a real that's a real that's i can discourage you i was like again how about stone i don't use the stones that's 12 and

a half pounds right uh it's yeah it's about 12 and a half pounds. Trying to lose a stone is like a thing. A stone is like... I used to go like 14 and a half stone down to 13 stone. When I lived in England, I got all stoned up. You got stoned out. So did these guys at the post office. So how much do you think, Jim?

Between the two of them, between Odor and Pauly, how many pounds? Pounds of weed, do you think? Between the two of them, between Odor and Pauly, how many pounds of weed do you think they... Between the two of their residences. They were caught with. Over the course? When they got busted. How much did they harvest out of there? Eight pounds. Eight, okay.

I think 20 pounds. Okay. I'm going to say one stone. The amount of marijuana... They also found $15,000 in cash at Odor's residence. The amount of pounds combined found in Odor's house and Paulie's house is

27 pounds of marijuana. That's a lot of weed. Because marijuana is not heavy. That's always the size of this table, right? Yeah. Trash bag. 27 pounds of cocaine would be like a brick.

27 pounds of weed, like you said, would be the size of this. No, 27 pounds of cocaine wouldn't be a brick. I don't know. See? Who's on the brick system? I'm on the brick system. Paul, he said drugs in the mail. He's just telling everybody. He might be the world's greatest whistleblower

and no one's paying attention to him. But what he thinks is that he's blowing the whistle on someone else that's why he's so good at it someone in hollywood making a film out of this paul he said drugs in the mail is never going to stop and his advice for people is to wrap their packages better because anybody can go through it paul he also said the whole post office need to change now i love this He's reformed. He has a whole reform system. Look, here's how we do it. Don't blame me. He said all the employees are messed up. Not one,

not him. If he's caught with 27 pounds, that means that arguably he's probably collected over 200 pounds. That's all he had on him. Thank God. You got me on a Wednesday. But to break into someone's mail becomes a federal offense. 100%.

So now you're into a much larger... I mean, that's almost as bad as the drugs. Yeah, but it's the post office's fault. Jason, why aren't you paying attention? I'm listening to him, but I don't know if I... But he's treating it like those people who walk through TSA with guns. Like, hey, I was just seeing if I could get... You need a better system.

Nope, that's on you. That's on you. Yeah, do it. All the employees are messed up. Pauly said mail is often mishandled and does not get where it's intended. All right. The post office is just very sloppy. Anybody can work here, Pauly said.

The post office. I know. I'll tell you about the old post office in America, right? When you become a citizen in this country, they give you a certificate, right? Which is like, now you're here, right? You're welcome. And like, you fought for this thing for years. It took me 10 years to get this thing and now i'm like all right good they can't kick me out now all right i'm all good yeah then you need to get your passport before you can leave

the country to get your passport you got to go to the post office and i've kept that i had a frame and everything for my student you go to the post office and you have to give them the certificate for them to get you the passport that's's right. They take it from you. And you're like, I may never see this again. They take it from you and you'll see it between four and six weeks. That's so scary. I wouldn't try that.

It would scare me to death. They staple something in the corner. Shut up. They're already messing it up. They've already put a fucking staple through it. It's terrible. And I'm going, oh no.

And then, and the lady, the lady brought, she brought over an older lady who was like a manager and said, have I done this right? And she's like, yeah, that's all good. Have I done this right? She just sort of put it in like a little nook.

You know what I mean? Yeah, a little cubby. Yeah, a little cubby. Just put it in there. And I was like, all right. And I had no proof that I'd ever gotten it. Nope. I'd taken a photocopy.

Sure. Right? Which wouldn't be official if ever gotten it. Nope. I had taken a photocopy. Sure. Right? Then- Which wouldn't be official if you needed it. Then when it comes back to me, now I sign when I buy a pair of fucking shoes

get delivered for me after sign from. That's right. This thing, I was away doing gigs for like four days and I came and it was sticking,

rolled up out of my post box just at the front of my house. Come on. I got it back but like the amount of those that must go fucking missing They're just gone

10 years of your life Rolled up in that thing Right there That's crazy That's because According to Pauly Anyone can work there Anyone can work there

The post office Needs to be charged for this He wants them now As a co-defendant Yeah but that's the whole thing Anyone can work there Yeah until they raise The salary there

You're not gonna get The brightest Are you? True It's like when you're In a fast food restaurant and you go, this is shit. They've got my order all wrong. And then I go, okay, they're being paid $7 an hour.

Just calm down. You paid a dollar for 12 nuggets. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, this is all. Be happy you got anything in this instance. He says, this is a full quote, I blame the post office for influencing me. It's the post office fault. They know drug mail is coming through

and they was letting me get away with it for the longest time. That's when I started to go awry. They put it all... I didn't get... And I'm the one that gets in trouble. They was letting me. You know this guy is still giving quotes when the reporter's like, Okay, we got it. You said that. I don't think you heard me. So yeah, that's... And his final thing,

the post office needs to be charged for this. More than the drugs You know that he's kind of Stealing like Fucking Christmas gifts Everything Everything Everything

Anything that comes from Apple Or something like that Exactly He's all over that AirPods and stuff like that He's getting everything That's story number one Story number one

Down in the books Alright we got Jim Jeffries with us Stay with us More Dumb People Town We'll talk a little bit more About his show Which I believe you're Right in the middle of the season am I right we're in

hiatus okay right in the middle but you are coming back is that correct how could I love to hear that we'll hear all about that on the other side this break dumb people town with Jim Jeffries hey guys squad brothers here with Daniel Van Kirk. Our guest is Jim Jeffries. If you haven't checked out the Comedy Central show, can they watch episodes online? Oh yeah, it's all online. So watch it online. Catch yourself up.

They're in hiatus. They will be back. Great takes throughout. And live. We've gotten to do the goddamn comedy jam with you. Go see him live. It's a great fun show. Are you going on any little tour?

Any world tour? I'm doing that tour until I die. I'm sure you guys are on the it's a great are you going on any little tour any world tour i'm doing that tour until i die i'm sure you guys are on the same tour we are people is there a tour we're like no we go out and come back and we go are you on tour at the moment i gig i do like six gigs a month yeah you know i go out for you know and then i have every second weekend off and then i i go and do some other cities and stuff but i'm about to do an actual proper tour tour in December across Europe. Wow, that's awesome. So that's like a proper like every night thing for the whole month of December.

Are you doing theaters and stuff when you're there? I'm doing theaters. We're also doing like Israel and I'm doing Greece for the first time. Great. And we're doing the Netherlands and Norway. And I'm doing the O2 in London, which is huge. That was huge. Yeah, that's a big gig.

That's a big deal. How many seats is that? I'm having it lowered down to 13,000. Still incredible. It can go to the Michael Jackson 20. That was where he was going to do all his shows. He was going to house all the kids. Yes, that's right.

Stadium jail underneath. So let me ask you this just because i mean we've done shows in front of a few thousand but never that big how do you and you have a lot of energy and you're definitely you command the stage but do you adjust what you do in those shows or no no i look i think the ideal space for like comedy like for big shows shows, it's like 3000. Perfect. It feels great. They're still on top of you. But then they make the screen so big. I did like, um, I did the Rod Laver arena in, in Melbourne. That was, you know, going home for the first, and that was, that was 12,000 or something.

That was my biggest one before this one in the 02. But it, uh. How did it feel? It felt all right, but I had like a fucking heckler still. What? Are you kidding me? Normally when you do that, people get heckled and you can't hear anything. And I had the audience perfectly quiet.

Everyone was quiet and this guy started fucking lipping off. And then he had to be removed. And I'm like, what are we doing here? You knew who that guy was? What state? That was Ron Laver. That was Ron Laver. Not happy.

It's unbelievable. Can't handle anything. It's funny. Australia's still obsessed with Pink. Are they? The singer. Yeah, she's number one. Phenomenal.

She's number one, Pink. She's great. They love Pink. They love their Pink down there. And she did something like 20-something shows at that arena and broke the record. Sold everything out. Everything backstage is fucking Pink. That was so over the moon about it.

You had to walk through a milk shower. Yeah, it's weird that the Australian Open, but all the dressing rooms are pink because pink is so good. The Australian Open does happen here, right? Is pink playing in the Australian Open? Did she beat Serena Williams? No. What's happening here? Jeez, that's awesome.

All right, well, go to jimjeffries.com. I'm going to send you a tweet. Yeah, that'll be great. And find out where you can see him. You definitely want to go see him. Dan, you got another story for us. I do. Ready?

Let's do it. Peoria. It doesn't say. I'm just hoping Illinois. Who sent it to you brother that's gotta be the only peoria yeah you can't that's the only one uh sent in by eric james hiltner at ejh underscore three and as i say every time i'm a member of the hiltner honors program you are thank you very much eric thanks for always sending in great stories my man here we go

a booze fueled argument i mean that's the kind right there. That's like most arguments, right? You mean an argument? Yeah. Between longtime lovers allegedly prompted a South Peoria woman to tear off her boyfriend's colostomy bag. What? Yeah.

That's when shit gets real. How old were they? Was he a young fella? 14. Well, by the way, kudos to her for staying with this dude, and he's got a class we bet. If you are with a guy with a class we bet. You got to love someone to watch shit come out of the side of them and still be with them. At 7 p.m. Monday, Peoria police were summoned by a 66-year-old resident of West Malone Street.

He said he had been dating his girlfriend for 20 years. She's not your girlfriend when you're 66. It's the lady I see. And she's 23 now. I was going to ask you, how old do you guys think she is? They've been together 20 years. How old do you think his girlfriend is? You guessed 23. You're out of here. I raised her, then

I loved her. No. So, okay. He's 66 and they've been dating for 20 years. I'm going to say that she was 50. Okay. 50. Okay. So he met her when she was 30.

46 and 30. I think she's 70. I think she's an older gal. Older than him. She's mad. I think she's 49, stayed with him. You know what I mean? Actually, I'm going to say 45.

She stayed with him. She met him when she was 25. He was 46. She was 25. And she is resentful of the fact That she basically spent The best years of her life With this guy

That happens when You're too far apart in age I've got a friend Who's going through that now And she Didn't you date a much younger gal At one point or no? My girlfriend's 28

Yeah You know That's not That's not much I'm much younger I'm 42 No no No no no

You guys That's still within You're in the ballpark. Yeah. Because she ages up, and I know you're immature, so you go back down. Yeah, but I still, like, when I'm fucking 72, I'm not going to be a young 70. No. I haven't.

You've lived, my friend. You haven't taken care of yourself. I haven't exercised enough. I can't imagine that everything's staying together. No. And she's, like, eating healthy and working out all the time. And I'm always like, yeah, she's making me healthier. That's good. I eat meals with her.

Yeah, smart. And then you go, all right, I'll eat whatever you eat. That's right. That's right. Well, 7 p.m. Monday, Peoria police were summoned by a 66-year-old resident of West Malone Street. He said he'd been dating his 54-year-old girlfriend. There you go.

For 20 years, according to the police report, they apparently, this is like some commentary. She's 12 years older. They apparently live at the same address. Is that the person writing this is lazy? No way to find that out. If you're not living at the same address after 20 years, you have to start going, is this relationship going anywhere?

By the way, and I would understand that. After 18 years, he's like, all right, you can bring your toothbrush over. Yeah. That's it, though. But I'm saying like,

if the person's 80 and you met her when you were 60 and you have separate residences, I get that. Okay. But they met 20 years ago and she was 34. That's like,

in three months, you're moving in. They have to live together. They apparently live at the same address. She got mad at him because he was drunk, the report stated. Okay. Okay.

He obviously takes care of himself. He's drunk and he has a classmate bag. Yeah. To police, the girlfriend confirmed her irritation with his inebriation. What is it called? Construction Junction or something? No, Conjunction Junction. There we go.

As he returned home intoxicated, the report stated, after his arrival, he had shots of fireball cinnamon whiskey. Stop, buddy. When was the last time you ever had peppermint schnapps or a fireball? I can't do a shot anymore. No, I've given up shots. There's one you could do, and it's the only one I would do, and it's got to be-

Gorilla Fart. No, what is it? Jack Daniel's Fire. It is literally just whiskey with a cinnamon flavor. There's no harshness to it. So you're now saying the chill is crap? Whiskey, I can't do that. Fireball isn't even whiskey.

What is a Fireball? Have you ever heard of it? I've had Fireball. It's the lowest grade of what they can call whiskey, and that's still debatable. And then they add all this extra stuff in it. It tastes like Christmas after the apocalypse. Yeah, it's garbage. So Jack Fire chilled is very good.

All right. All right. I'll buy that, Dan. I'm open to that. I'm open to that. You know, we're going to do it together someday. I don't like when they infuse alcohol. Like, it's like vodka that goes crazy for it.

Yes. If I want to have a peach-flavored vodka, I'll add some peach flavor. That's all you need. And then there's vanilla. It's all synthetic flavoring. And then someone brought over to my house And I still don't think I'm talking to this person Cinnabon vodka

No Flavored with Cinnabon What is the point of that? What do you need that for? That's like fried chicken vodka That's if you're making crazy martinis If you want that Do a shot of vodka

And eat a Cinnabon And eat a Cinnabon right next to it And then cry Because you're going to go into a shame spiral Geez, I eat a Cinnabon. And eat a Cinnabon right next to it and then cry because you're going to go into a shame spiral. Geez, I want a Cinnabon now. I know. It's so badly good. I smelled one the other day and I was like, God damn it, baby. They're very good.

I only eat about three Cinnabons a year and I only eat them when I have Australian or British friends coming over to stay who have never experienced a Cinnabon. You're like, here. And then I'm like, well, I have to eat one with you. Let me show you. It's a dessert the size of a Big Mac. Oh, my God. Just like when you go- Say, let me show you why this place is full of fat people.

It's going to die. It's going to die. It's full of fat. After his arrival, he had shots of Fireball cinnamon whiskey, and she decided to join him. So now, we're right on. So she can't hate the drinking that much. Because he came home from drinking drunk,

and then started doing shots, and she was game. Unless, have you ever been with someone who drinks so much that you're like I need to drink alongside of you because if I don't, you'll drink all this. You know what I mean? She's like, I'm going to save you from yourself. I've got to make a dent into your own because this is going to get bad. The report did not

specify, I love that ideology. The report did not specify the number of shots by either person. So, a lot. Ten? But the liquor apparently did not soothe her agitation. According to the boyfriend, she ripped off his colostomy bag because she

knows it's his weak spot. Literally his weak spot. It's Achilles' chest? I know how a catheter works. Colostomy bag is, it's tied into your intestine or wherever. Yeah, but it's a tube coming out of your gut. And then there's a bag.

It's basically, instead of your body formulating shit that then goes through you, it goes in that place and then out through the bag. And then you got to keep changing it and cleaning it and all that. But you never have to shit. No.

That's a time saver. Yeah. Total time saver. But then where are you gonna read stuff how are you gonna scroll through instagram and get mad at other people's success everyone's phone is covered in fecal matter now if i'm texting um i i do like i i'm like a person who has to get back on my correspondence yeah so i let 20 texts go through and then like for like one hour every two days i go right on just go through them i mean that's the great thing about the like headphones or airpods is that you're not putting

that phone up to your face anymore and it has everything on it then it puts the cancer in like tiny yeah i don't have the airpods uh just the fact that to me the just the fact that he said because she knows it's my weak spot they've had many battles. By the way, because she knows he knows her trick moves. Hang on. Because she knows it's my weak spot, that is like she didn't have to figure anything out. She probably goes in with a niceness like, give me a hug, and then slips her hand

underneath her thing. She's like, ah! Fucking shit goes everywhere. Once he pulls out that port, it's just fireball whiskey shooting. It's just spraying. When you pour it out, does shit just dribble out of the hole? Well, you're going to find out.

He lifted up his shirt and showed an officer spillage of feces onto his stomach and pants, the report stated. He declined an offer of medical attention. I'm fine. I just want you to let her live with it. He said, just get me some garden hose and some duct tape and call it a day. And a couple more bottles of fire. If you're ever covered in shit, you are not fine. You're not fine.

You're not okay. The girlfriend denied touching the colostomy bag, but she did admit to pushing the boyfriend out of the house. She was booked into the Peoria County Jail on a charge of domestic battery. You aren't going to win that discussion with someone who wasn't there. Your version of the events will always seem like you're lying. If someone has a colostomy bag, like he wins every time, even if he's the asshole,

like he, you just don't fight. Don't get into a physical altercation. Like that is the definition of your life. Turning to shit is when you have a colostomy bag. Can you ever come back from the colostomy bag? I don't think you can ever go off it. Once you're on it,

that's it. That's the end. There are no stories of like that. Have you ever had a from the colostomy back i don't think you can ever go off it that's that's the end there are no stories have you ever had a catheter or anything uh i've had a catheter i i mean i had the worst ever i had a kidney stone that got impacted and then they had to spread a catheter i had a catheter once after a surgery and they said i need to pass urine and i wasn't doing it quick enough that's's very stressful. Yeah. When the nurse, and she just wanted me out, and she goes, well, I have to put a catheter in. I was like, no, no, I can do this.

I got it. I was doing it. It was harder than when you really want to come and you're trying to focus on that. There's no way. You're doing the whole bank of every girl you've ever had sex with and you're like, all right, I can make it. And now it was like, I was doing that, but with urine.

I was like, okay, think of Niagara Falls. You've drunk a lot of water today. And I was sculling water. Like, come on, mate. God, dude. But then you're like, it's only backing up. Yeah. So I got to get it out.

Dude, that is stress. Story number two. Story number two down in the books. All right, give us a tease on number three. Give us a tease of what we have in the third story. We've got a harmless contest. Great, I love it. Jim Jefferies is with us.

We'll be back with a little more Down in the Book now right after this. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Again, follow us. Follow at DanielVanKirk. Go to DanielVanKirk.com

to see all of his live stand-up dates. He just had a fantastic little run of shows. I did, follow us. Follow Daniel Van Kirk. Go to danielvankirk.com to see all of his live stand-up dates. He just had a fantastic little run of shows. I did. I did. The Lego Tour was super, super successful. It's all in St. Louis, so thanks to all the people. Love it. We're going to do this show live at Largo on the 15th

with Patton Oswalt and Lauren Lapkus and musical guest Joey Ryan from the Milk Carton Kids. We'll get you on a live one at Largo. Yeah, I'd love to do one. I'd love to do one. But also check Jim Jeffries out live,

jimjeffries.com and watch all his shit because it's all good. And if you're in Montreal, see the three of us. The three of us will be in Montreal. We'll hang out up there.

All right, Dan, let's get into this last story. Here we go. Michiganders from the Upper Peninsula, also known as the UP.

The UP. If you don't, the Upper Peninsula has some areas of Michigan at the very top that are really beautiful, also known as the UP the UP if you don't the upper peninsula has some areas of Michigan at the very top that are really beautiful especially in the summertime

Mackinac Island Mackinac Island is a place where you can't no cars no cars deer and fudge right yeah no cars

no cars on the island on the island how do you postmate things just a guy people on bikes look the post office made me steal this post office postmates made me steal this Post office

Postmates made me steal this No So it's a beautiful island There's a couple other Cool things up there It's also like It's own Universe

Well it's also like Jack Nicholson In The Shining Like when it's not Tourist season It's crazy Right Like there are just

Crazy It's halfway between Canada and the United States And it's messed up And it's by itself It is So I will not I'm not Like anything Whatever you say It's halfway between Canada and the United States, and it's messed up, and it's by itself. It is. So I will not, I'm not, like anything you say is not a surprise. When is tourist season?

Is it when it's snowing or when it's summertime? Summertime. So they've got ski slopes there or something. No, no ski slopes. I don't get why, here's for dumb people. Why would anyone live in the snow? I agree. I don't understand.

Some people love it. They love snowmobiling. They love ice fishing. I didn't see any snow until I was in my 20s was people love it They love snowmobiling They love ice fishing I didn't see any snow Until I was in my 20s The first time I saw snow Because you grew up where? In Australia

Which part? Sydney Okay There's no snow in Australia I'll tell you a story Is there snow in Australia? There is a couple of A couple of places

A couple of places Yeah I When I was 22 I was walking through I think I was doing A walk of shame or something. It was pretty early in the morning. I was still wearing the clothes I wore the night before.

And I was walking through a park in London going back to my apartment. And I'd been living in London for, at that stage, maybe three weeks. And I saw my first squirrel. And I'd never seen a squirrel before. See, like, imagine if you saw a kangaroo in the wild. You'd lose your shit, You'd freak out. Right? But I've seen thousands of those things. You don't care.

They're like rats. I had never seen a squirrel in my life. What'd you do? I don't even see animated ones. You know what I mean? Like, I don't even see, like, Chip and Dale. Yeah, but Nussjob hadn't even come out. So were you like, this is a rat with a great tail?

No, no. I knew of squirrels. Sure. You know, they've been referenced so much in stories. And so saw this squirrel and i went up and went oh and it was like eating a nut like i was like oh it's eating a nut yeah it's doing there were kids walking to school with their parents and i started yelling out to the children kids, come over here. There's a squirrel. See something that you see all the time. Yeah, yeah.

I thought these kids would like to see a squirrel in the wild. When do you get this opportunity? Hardly ever. And the parents sort of like hurried them along, like keep walking. There's a crazy man. There's a man clearly in his clothes from last night who's trying to get you to see a squirrel. This old guy wants to see. He's not even that old.

So why would he? I get slightly excited by squirrels in my backyard. If I saw a kangaroo, I'd lose my shit. But what if you saw a kangaroo? I've seen a kangaroo. I've seen one with a car. You've seen a kangaroo with a car? Yeah, everyone has.

That's like a deer. What if you saw a kangaroo and in the pouch of the kangaroo was a squirrel? That would blow your mind. That would. That would blow your mind. That'd be something. Because obviously the kangaroo or the squirrel were on holiday. Right.

For sure. Or that's like squirrel Uber. Yeah, squirrel Uber. It's like the- I got to go really far. My little squirrel legs won't take me there. No, it's kangaroo Uber. I'm telling you, the first zoo to figure that out is the zoo that everyone goes to.

Oh, 100%. By the way, can we please start Kangaroober? Kangaroober. Kangaroober in Australia. How are you getting there? I'm just taking a Kangaroober. He's going to be here. Kangaroober on the bounce app.

Yeah. All right. Ready? Yeah. Michiganders from the Upper Peninsula, also known as Yoopers, have, this person wrote it from a very personal point of view have me scratching my head today as i just learned via michigan news m live that a rotary club is putting on a contest asking people i should also let you know this story is from february 15th the 1950s who's

the lines great group is bringing the elks the grand poobahs my sounds like my aunt connie president of the Rotary. Stop. What does a Rotary club do? It's a little community organization. Are they good? I don't know. Some are good.

My father's a Mason. So then there you go. A Freemason. That's evil. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he practices that. But I think it might be. Are there robes involved with Freemasons?

You can't tell me. It's all very... He says that there's things you can do He can be at dinner and move his cutlery At a certain angle and he'll find out if there's other Masons On the table That's crazy to me If he just moves his knife And he only did it because my mother's father

My grandfather was a Mason And he sort of did it to get in with that guy When he was supposed to start dating my mom. And so he's a Mason. I think there's some religious connotations to it. Maybe. There's definitely robes. I think of Masons, and I think of bizarre conspiracy theories.

Like they control how we do it. Allegedly, they run a lot of shit. Yes. Mozart was a Mason, had little things in his music that Masons can hear or something If you can read music He's talking to you Come on

To me that's All Masons and that stuff Is an excuse to not spend time with your family That's it There you go Speaking of family This was sent in by somebody In our Dumb People Tom family

This story was sent in by Joe Luttrell At the Gentleman's Show Thanks brother Thanks brother Okay So We're

Scratching your head Scratching your head Because the Rotary Club had a contest. Yep, a contest asking people to guess. That's why I told you it was February 15th when this came out. Asking people to guess when a 1998 Saturn SL will break through the ice and fall into a lake. And there's even a live feed showing the car just sitting there on ice. They do this every year.

So Ted Kennedy went up to the UP. So wait, so they drive a Saturn or a car out on the ice. Yep. And then they have a contest to see if people can guess when it will fall. And then when they make strangers, they talk about it because it's a great icebreaker. Love it. But you know what I love too? You asked what the hell do people do up there in the winter?

This is what they do. This tells you how little they do. I'm going to go it's towards the end of winter. Yeah. Exactly. Well, in the UP, man, so we went to school in Michigan. Went to school in Michigan. It was very cold.

Upper peninsula, extraordinarily cold. Dan, I'm going to say like May. This is spring or maybe early summer. May. This is all going down on East Chaplain Pit, a flooded, abandoned mine near the town of Iron Mountain, which is right by the border of Wisconsin. You want to go see a dead body by a flooded abandoned mine. Is there a prize?

For $10, anybody can guess when the Saturn will plunge into the cold depths, and whoever is closest goes home with $1,500. Apparently, this car plunge contest has been a tradition put on by the Rotary Club of Iron Mountain, Kingford since 2015. Now, I don't wish any ill will on anybody, but I would love for someone to drive the Saturn out, and as soon as they are standing there, it goes down. That would be funny if it, like, right when it gets out there. Or they should double it up with one of those radio competitions where everyone has to put their hand on the car.

Rah, hands on a hard body. Hands on a hard body. That was a great movie. So this has been going on since 2015 with previous years. And they all go down. Yeah, they all go down. Moments of Saturn plunge documented below. So I'm going to give you guys-

Is it always a Saturn? It seems so. By the way, they don't make Saturns anymore. Right. So you're going to- There's a limited stock. I know where to find some rusty ones. You know, it's in the bottom of the lake.

In 2015, the car plunged on April 4th. 2016, it was March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. 2017, April 2nd. 2018, April 26th. By the way, this- What if this is the only way some people are measuring climate change? Global warming, this is it. Saturn's still out there.

I don't believe it. This shit shouldn't happen in March. Actually, it turns out that prior to 2015, the Guess When the Car Will Fall Through the Ice thing had been going on for years. Hang on a second. This is a reporter who called it a thing. I know.

A Guess Through... With caps. They made it seem like that was the title. Yeah, that's the name of the car. It's a contest. Guess When the Car Will Fall Through the Ice thing. The car drop contest had been going on for years before ending roughly 40 years ago

with the Detroit Free Press writing about it in 2015. When they left a baby in a car seat. Isn't that bad for marine life or some shit? Oh, yeah. The news site says I don't even use straws anymore. Exactly. Yeah, I'm with you. I won't even drive a Saturn anymore.

You still need a stir. I wish bars knew that once you make my cocktail you still need to give it a stir. I'm good with no straw, but give me a stir. So my bars knew that once you make my cocktail, you still need to give it a stir. I'm good with no straw, but give me a stir. My kids who are super into this stuff, my youngest daughter is an environmental science, that's her magnet at school. They both want the metal

straw because they're like, you can clean it. You literally fold it. It's like AirPods. You can clean it, fold it up, you stick it in your thing and you take it with you and then you use it. That's not a bad idea. I'm thinking merch. Fold it up You stick it in your thing And you take it with you And then you use it That's not a bad idea And so it's actually Woman stabs husband In class I'm thinking merch

We all have new merch I have given metal straws As two gifts To two women I know And they loved it And they lose their shit over it Okay so And Alfred's coffee shop

Sells them Like their own ones For like I think it's like Eight bucks or something Alright so Jim Jeffries I think you need Dumb people town

Metal straws Dumb People Town metal straws. Dumb People Town metal straws. Make the world a smarter place. That's merch. We're doing it. We're doing it. But I don't know how well you can clean them. They give you like a little brush that you're meant to put up in it.

I take a squirrel's tail. I take a plastic straw and I- No, Jason, no! And then I throw it in the ocean. No! You go through so many. I don't know anyone. You just roll a note up like everyone else does.

I roll up Jim Jefferies citizenship. Throw it in there and take it out. Everybody just has the fanciest Coke straws. All right, here we go. It says, oh, this takes place in one of the biggest iron mines on earth, Chapman Mine. This whole thing started in 1879. It was so large that it created an entire town. Oh, that chap and mine. It got its start, this whole thing started in 1879. It was so large that it created an entire town.

Oh, that's the mine. And prior to closing, it produced over 28 million pounds of cheese. I have no clue why we're talking about that. They're mining cheese? Okay, back in the 40s, civic groups or the Knights of Pythias,

who, they're evil people, the Lions Club, realized how incredibly satisfying it would be to put a car on top of ice on the lake and wager when it crashed through. Here's a phrase the Knights of Matthias have never said. You know what we should do is listen to women more.

That'll never happen. Or let her put her clothes on before we talk to her. That's something they would never say. Oh, here you go, Jim. They say it isn't a standard Saturn SL. It's undergone a bit of weight saving, and it was prepared especially to be environmentally compatible. It's included the removal of the engine, transmission, final,

the powertrain, battery, radiator, and other fluid coolers. Yeah, but there's still paint on it. Yeah. Master cylinder and heater hoses. Yes. Okay. This is the most youper thing I've ever read all year. Or maybe it's like when you see a fish tank and they've got like a little castle at the bottom.

Maybe all the fish are like, this is fucking brilliant. You just gave us a playground. There's just a guy down there with a helmet and a chest of gold. Update. Why is there always a guy with a chest of gold? Fish don't care about that shit. Update.

Congratulations to Jim Schoen of Saginaw, Michigan, who had the closest guess. Thank you to everyone who participated. The funds raised will help our club and other scholarships and local projects. So only one guy got it right? They don't have a lot of people guessing, though. So I'm going to ask you guys. When?

What date do you think that the 2019 car drop took place? Was it a harsh winter we had this year? I don't know. In some ways, it was a lot of snow. It was a lot of precipitation in Los Angeles. I'm going to go Star Wars Day, May the 4th. May the 4th. I'm going to say April 15th.

Tax Day. I'm going to say April 22nd. I do think it was later in April. One of you got within a week. I like that. That's not too bad because it could have been. We wouldn't have won, but still.

You would not have won at all. But I would have had like loads of bragging rights around the time. That's right. Now we can still claim them. We'll get out of here on this. Townies, get your guesses in now. When do you think the Saturn fell through the ice up in Michigan? It was April 8th, 2019. What? Jim Jeffries again? No, he was May the 4th. I was April 8th, 2019.

Jim Jeffries again. I'm April 15th. You're April 15th. I thought he was April 14th. Global warming. There you have it, guys. Alright, guys. That's the show. Great stories. Great guests. Jim Jeffries. Again,

go see him live. Check out his Comedy Central show. It is fantastic and all of his stand-up specials and whatnot. He is a great guest. We have an open invite and we'll get you on a live one, dude. Oh, thank you. Love to have you.

And that's it. Oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your downies. Dumb people town.