Dumb People Town - Jimmy O. Yang - Hidden Valley Shade

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

This week Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Jimmy O. Yang to town to hear about a story about a man who returns some trash to the rightful owner. In story two, a man is sent an invoice for damages after a demonstration by Satanists. In story three, a man is offended in a drive-thru.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Yang. Jimmy O. Yang. Welcome to the show, buddy. How are you? I'm here, man. I'm happy to be here. This is great to see you guys. I haven't seen y'all in a while. Great to see you. You've got so many great things happening. First of all, the stand-up special on Amazon, which was amazing. I watched it. And again, we've got a chance to see you work that stuff at the improv. So good. I'm literally telling

everyone, you got Amazon Prime, check out this special. Did you have some, where'd you shoot it at again? We shot in Seattle at the Neptune Theater. Yeah, it's a great theater. It looked beautiful. It was great. Beautiful. Thank you, man.

And we tried to do a lot to make it look a little different because I know Ali Wong shot hers there and like a few people had shot their specials there. But we built like a little thrust and I was there, you know, coordinating the colors with the production designer and stuff. It was great. It had an aesthetic to it. And one thing that I love just about your standup and I just loved watching it.

This special is you just took your time. Like you take your time with your stuff and I feel like you get you're one of those people that gets a ton of laughs in just you're taking a pause. You're one of those people that gets a ton of laughs in just you're taking a pause. It takes a lot of confidence to put something out there and pause and just let the audience come with you. And you did that so many great times on that special. I loved it. Thank you so much, man. I think that's for all of us. When we first start, we're so like, oh, we got to say more.

We got to say more. Get the last per seconds. And then you learn. I can still take more time, I think. Yeah, we feel the say more. We got to say more. Get the last per seconds and then you learn. I can still take more time I think. Yeah, we feel the same way about our stuff too, but it's all about growing. I thought that it was just a great special. Thank you. Space Force coming

out. I'm so excited about that show. Everyone's talking about it. You got to be pumped about that too. Super pumped. I mean, just first day on set it was me, Steve Carell, and John Malkovich. It was quite nerve-wracking. I can only imagine.

Those dudes are incredible. But man, now we became kind of like a tight little family. So today I'm doing a bunch of Space Force Press, and later on we have a game night, Space Force game night, that Netflix put together for all of us. So it's like Steve, John, Lisa, and everyone else's awesome just kind of it's it's kind of cool man it's still uh the coolness is not lost on me but i'm stoked to watch it just like everyone else dude i love it well we believe in this podcast believes that the world's getting dumber which i know you attacked very nicely in your special uh and so we get stories sent to us by our fans and then we're just going to riff on one if you want to jump in with us right here so dan let's go let's do it uh the headline for this

culprit of illegal dumping gets trash returned so by illegal dumping is that someone taking a shit like in the world no but someone illegally dumped a bunch of stuff right which is a dumb thing to do and then they had it all returned only in dumb people town would someone be like i'm taking it all back. This is like the trash version of the Goonies, like Corey Feldman with that quarter. I'm taking them all back. Taking them all back.

Can you imagine that? You illegally dump something, and then the next day you see it all on your front lawn? Yeah, you're in like... I guess... Go ahead. How much are you dumping? Yeah.

And how, I guess, how much are you dumping, and how are they returning it? That's right. That's what I'm interested in now. Because I want them to return it in a very secretive way so that you feel like you're in some sort of like very environmentally friendly horror movie. A little bit at a time. It's like you throw the baseball into the closet and then it comes back with goop on it. And you're like, yeah, all right.

There's a little vortex from another dimension or you could go classy and just shape all the garbage into the shape of a giant lexus and put a bow on it and put it in your driveway yeah oh yeah that's a december to remember december to remember december to remember i do like the horror movie idea because in horror movies it's always like i hear some noise. Is that real? Is that real? Then they go crazy and then eventually it is a real ghost so this is like I smell some garbage what's going on? I smell something and at the end of the episode when he's sleeping

the guy just gets dumped on with garbage. Yes, yes. For sure. And his friend is like I thought you illegally dumped that stuff. I thought I did too. Right. We got rid of that old cauliflower. Alright. The trash is coming from inside the house. This was sent in by Catherine talk at Catherine

Lorna. Thank you so much, Catherine, for sending this in someone who illegally dumped garbage in Frederick tin, which it sounds to me like a group of people could not decide on what to name their town and they all they just come. Fredericksville. No, no. Well, I like Frederick fine. It's Frederick their town and they're they all they put just come fredericksville no no well i like frederick

fine it's frederick town frederick ton it's also like maybe they had like a syllable competition in town or like we can get one more in there let's illegally dump that last syllable there you go uh someone who illegally dumped garbage in fredericton found themselves picking their trash back up earlier this week chris white had about 30 to 40 pieces of garbage strewn strewn across the grass in front of his family's farm on spring hill road that's a statement the people who said you dumped it illegally, they're like, we're now going to lay it out. We're going to lay it out for you. Toys, an old barbecue burner, and a new barbecue box, which is fitting. You're kind of seeing life come and go.

The cycle of life. Right. So it's not like gross garbage bags. It's like stuffed furniture he threw out. You know in L.A. on the sidewalk, you just see a mattress? Yeah. I would love to hunt down those owners and dump it back

in their house that's right just get it right back to them that's right mattress out on the sidewalk is like it depreciates

the value of all the houses in that neighborhood like immediately yeah it's always true it's like but there's like no one wants

your broken shelves nobody wants your broken shelves they barely wanted it at your stupid garage sale. Right. So when we were in New York, we lived in Manhattan in like 94. We had this terrible Ikea bookshelf that we built incorrectly.

Let me just say that we built it wrong. Like there were times that Jay and I and our roommate, we'd come back to the apartment and the entire bookshelf was falling over and all the books were on the floor because it just crushed under the weight of what we had on it. When we moved out of that apartment and I mean, where the TV was, this is back when TVs were heavy and sat in entertainment. Oh, the thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was bent all the way down. So when we left the apartment and moved out, we're like, I cannot wait to throw this outside on the ground and start stomping on it and beat the shit out of it. Like office space. Yeah, just be done with it. Just be done with it. And we set it out and we kind of did that. We started to take it downstairs. We took it downstairs and we take it out back,

ready to take a baseball bat to this thing. And the guy who worked at the front desk was like, what are you doing with that? We're like, we're about to destroy. He's like, I'll take it. We're like, no! You took away the one thing we wanted to do. The joy of destroying.

For the past four years, we've been waiting to destroy this. So that's essentially what this guy got thrown back on his lawn. All the stuff he wanted to get rid of. Right. Toys, barbecue, old barbecue burner, a new barbecue box. Chris White said a family friend noticed the trash and shared some pictures of the garbage online. Could this be the plot of Toy Story 5? I know.

Early Monday morning. Grill Stories. Grill Story 1. Yeah. Early Monday morning, Chris White went to clean up the mess. And while he was picking up the trash, he noticed something. A shipping receipt. So now he's like, oh, i know where this came i'm going to

show you guys and you can run it up for me right so that jimmy can see it i'm going to show you the picture of chris white he looks like a man like in one sentence like if you were to he looks like somebody who wants to say do you know what your kid did like look at him yeah but he just looks like he's like he wants to discipline your children this is the definition of white privilege he's a good one in this chris white privilege yeah yeah he has the privilege of sending back your garbage yeah he's like enough of this shit he owns a lot of camouflage i'm sure yeah exactly and no matter how cold it is will not wear gloves he's also the type of guy that has like owns more than one of those flashlights you can drive over and it won't break uh-huh and he'll he'll if you order now you get two and he'll walk over your conversation be like did you guys say you guys need a pocket knife no no what were you gonna say jimmy well this is uh i would say

it's almost good press but chris white like he seems like a hard knock dude oh yeah he's throwing away his kids toys and he's getting a new grill right so there's almost like a neighborhood announcement it's like chris white is balling that's right no chris white's the guy who picked him up he cleaned it up oh he's the pick uh He cleaned it up. Oh, he's the pick. Oh, yeah. He cleaned it up. Chris White is like, he is like a superhero. Like his superhero would be to deliver garbage back to people who illegally dumped it. And there's two dents in his truck and he only cares about one of them.

That's right. Yeah, that's right. That's Chris White. Quote, I was picking up a Nike box and it was so wet. The lid actually tore off of it when I grabbed it. And inside of it was a slip with the person's name and address. So the plot thickens here for now. Detective P.I. Chris White.

There you go. So I decided that maybe he should get his garbage back. White packed up all the trash into the back of his own truck and then drove it to the address he found on the receipt. Okay, now he paid it backward. He paid it backwards. This is now like an Adele song. You know what I mean? He's going to drive it straight to that person's

house and say, never mind, I'll find someone like you. This is the country version of an Adele song. Country Adele. Yes. The farmers in Adele. Yeah. Thank you. More of a Johnle song. Country Adele. Yes. The Farmers in Adele. Yeah. Thank you. More of a John Michael Montgomery.

Yeah. So he said, I think this guy should get his garbage back. White packed it all up, drove back to the house. It was fairly early, which is also just a little bit more of a needle move. 7.30 in the morning,

and I knocked on his door quite abruptly. White recalled adding that he didn't think twice about going there which is also like a me thing yeah according to white the person denied the act at first not me right that's the right reaction right it's like how do you know this is my garbage i'm an adidas guy i didn't i didn't even watch the last dance what does that have to do with that it's really uh the garbage version of Cinderella. Yeah.

Are you a size eight? Let me, you got to fit in these shoes. He brings it over to him. Wouldn't it be great if all that trash was like magically beautiful things and then that's what they turned into at midnight and the guy just got scared and left them there? That's so funny. That's it, dude. He's like, listen, man, you just produce a packing slip and then i'll say that it's

mine hang on a second let me go get it literally according to white the person denied the act at first but quickly changed his mood when chris white showed him the evidence the shipping receipt he immediately admitted to it that's what i love that turn not me at all you got me all right just that quick turn of like, yeah, I did it. He immediately admitted to it. So I kindly asked him to get his garbage back off of my truck. So he's making him unload it from the truck. That's right.

He's not going to do it. It's like his intern. White said the person unloaded the garbage from his truck within a few minutes, and he hasn't heard from him since. Does he think they're friends? How close are they? What are you him to hear? He never texted me back.

He left me on the road. You never returned my sex. I told the guy, if you ever want to hang, we've met now. Let me know. This guy, Chris, definitely sounds like

he's wielding a couple guns. This takes a lot of confidence to walk up on somebody's front porch. It's 7.30 in the morning. You unloaded off my truck. This guy either knows MMA or his gun. That's MMA confidence. He definitely took some jujitsu when he was younger.

Or he at least has a pretty good idea of how a Kimura hold works just from watching Rogan. He said that it took him a few minutes. He hasn't heard from the guy since. White said it's not the first time someone is illegally dumped near the family farm, and it seems to be a recurring issue in the spring.

There were some TVs and old microwaves last year that were dumped here and just some random garbage. This is one of my favorite sentences in the story. The street is also a popular place for people to watch the sunset. I don't know. This is Chris White, the romantic part of Chris White. Or like he's overstating his street a little bit.

You can watch his street. Yeah, his street looks like a great vista for sunsets, and it just looks like a garbage dump. Right, exactly what I think. Like, who's like, he's trying to build up the street. Do you remember how you used to watch the show Sanford and Son and say to yourself, man, I'd love to see a sunset right there? Yeah.

Who's like, hey, do you want to go watch the sunset and have sex next to some old diapers? No. Jesus Christ. No. White said it's not uncommon to have a dozen cars parked along the side of the road. All right. Then turn this into a tourist trap. Yeah.

But he said those people often leave trash behind. Obviously, if the garbage gets into the fields, hey, it's not good for the cows. White said he doesn't regret taking matters into his old hands. Of course not. It all worked out. And returning the dump garbage to the culprit, he said he could have gone to authorities,

which may have led to a costly fine, but he chose to teach a lesson instead. See, I told you he wants to discipline your kids. He really does when he's like, I'll take it in. Let me embarrass the guy. I'm the county's teacher. Right. I think the embarrassment

of having dropped it back off at his own house was worth more than $1,000 for sure. Although it's not the first time that he's had to clean up someone's trash, it was the first time that Chris White

was able to return it to the sender. Jeez. Dude, I know. Do you know how old Chris White is? It does not say. I mean, I look at it, I would say he's a solid 33 years old. Looks very Year of Our Lord.

Yes. Does he live by himself on that farm? Oh, yeah. I'm sure he does. He seems like a scavenger. I'd say he lives by himself since she left. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. We can't spend everything. She's coming back. Honey, honey, I just yes, yes, yes. We can't spend every day.

She's coming back. Honey, honey, I just want to take the garbage back to their house. If you had a wife there, she would have been like, don't do that. What are you doing? Also, I hope their fight was over. She wanted him to stop watching people watch sunsets. Yeah. Honey, I'm right here. Yeah. And generally, how does

trash pickup work on a farm? Like here, you know, I take my on a farm like here you know i take my garbage out thursday night you know and then the truck comes by friday morning when you're in the farm logistics it usually goes dumpsters so that they come out once a month you have like a full size dumpster for your family and then they just decrease the amount that they have to send somebody out to the country farms i know this this sort of stuff. Damn, that's pretty good. Yeah, you're all second-hand. That's phenomenal. Well, I grew up working on them and born on one.

So yeah, that's our story there with you, buddy. All right, I love it. Let's go to break. You got to take off because you got stuff going first. Yeah, I wish I could stay longer, guys. I'm sorry about that. This is fun. We'll have you come back and do a full one.

We'll have you come back and do a full one, but maybe we'll take over the last two for this episode because I think we've got to get this out on Tuesday and we want to promote your stuff so let everyone know about Space Force

when's it going to be on and when can people check it Space Force well by the time the show comes out it'll already be on on Netflix all 10 episodes

awesome so it's going to be great I'm excited to see what the reaction is dude I think it's going to be incredible people are really anticipating it I knew that like when my wife so it's going to be great. I'm excited to see what the reaction is. Dude, I think it's going to be incredible. People are really anticipating it. I knew that when my wife and my 15-year-old daughter

were both like, are we watching this? I was like, yeah, we are. That's great. And I feel like the curiosity of space is back. Yesterday, SpaceX and NASA was trying to do a space launch. And it ended up they had to scrub it because of weather. And actually, that is the plot of the first episode of Space Force. It made us look like geniuses.

It was the perfect scenario. That's what I'm talking about. Prophetic. Well, definitely check that out, Space Force. And your special on Amazon was fantastic. I want everyone to check that out, too. Obviously, all your work in Silicon Valley, dude. Loved it.

It was so great. That character arc and every place that you took that was just your delivery was perfect uh one of the highlights of that show so thanks for joining us man thanks guys thanks for having me i'll come back for a full episode soon we will for sure great thanks jimmy oh yeah guys all right we'll be right back with more after this stick around make it sound four more hey guys welcome back to the show so uh little unorthodox but this is the time of the uh pandemic and move and flow be like water man be like water be like water you flow flow flow we're gonna and by the way jimmy o yang very busy guy is, is doing a ton of Space Force press and press for his own thing, too. So we're lucky to get him in the midst of all that.

He is a rising star, so check him out on all of his stuff. And we'll get him back on, and he'll do all three segments. But here's the good news. You got three people sitting at this table who are no strangers to breaking down stories. And Dan, you have another story. I would also dare say, if you love this, this is how how the patreons work except for i don't know the stories but yeah the patrons go the other direction if you enjoy uh if you enjoy just hanging with the

three of us you get that with every single patreon episode here we go sent in by joe latrell at the gentleman i love this dude so much i feel like he's the guy who calls into the radio station and he's the fifth caller every single time. That's right. This guy has won more tickets. This guy knows the phrase that pays. Yes. Do you know what I mean?

Yes. Yes. Remember that, Dan? The phrase that pays. Yeah. You had to know it. You had to hear it in the morning and then you had to call in the afternoon.

Monkey nuts in the morning. Monkey nuts at night. Monkey nuts in the afternoon. Feeling all right. The phrase that pays. The phrase that pays. We're going to hear that right before we get the let out of five o'clock all right uh spokane area representative matt shea billed for damage to state capital steps during protest i love this story dude

send him the bill here we go this dude the bill and i'm saying pound him with it uh this took place before the world that we're currently living with a pandemic so it was a different type of protest and actually hilarious okay uh matt shea who's accused of domestic maddie shea maddie shea who doesn't who seems like a not great guy because he was accused of domestic terrorism by a house commissioned report last year yeah uh even the republicans are like they don't like him they're like we can't even explain away his behavior right yeah he intentionally poured a trail of olive oil along the steps of the capitol building causing

significant damage according to the state department of enterprise services part of an apparent counter protest to a demonstration here's what he was he was part of it you counter-protest to a demonstration. Here's what he was. He was part of a... Dan, you will know me by my trail of olive oil. By the trail of my olive oil. So he was part of a counter-protest where he damaged steps with olive oil, and his counter-protest was against a demonstration of Satanists. Now, here's my thing. Maybe this gets into it.

I don't remember. But if you're a Christian, Satanists believe in God as hardcore as you do. Yeah. Because Satan is in the Bible. That's right. So these are just people. I understand that they're on the other side of the coin. They're just in a different area.

But when you campaign or you live your life by the word of God is true and meaningful, that's how they feel too. You understand what I'm saying? You can't have one without the other. But unless you're a hardcore Satanist and you don't believe in God, but you just believe in Satan. But then you don't get Satan. But here's the thing. Satan is of Christianity. I know, but Satan is like the devil, 666, anarchy, and all that stuff.

That's all Bible. I know. I know you guys aren't brushed up on your new testing. We aren't. But I will say this, Dan. But is there anything more satanic than spilling olive oil and trying to ruin, like that's the least Christian thing to do. That's very true. To do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Very true. So that to me is the hand of Satan. What if he's making pesto and it just a little bit got dripped out and that's the way it goes. Just a little spill. Can I say that? So every Friday night we've been making pizza. That's like our thing on Friday nights.

We do pizza. We go and we get- What are the hit toppings? We get the frozen pizza crust from Trader Joe's. It's great. Two come in a thing. And you put either the tomato sauce or what i did this time was i put pesto put pesto pesto on on the pie and then the pepperoni and

then the cheese and goat cheese and i went nuts and i put it in the we put it right in the oven not on anything just sitting on the grates yeah what i didn't realize my tombstones i didn't realize that the p that the the pesto sauce bubbles up and comes down so it fell down onto the bottom and started smoking and created a whole thing so then we and i shouldn't be this excited about it but then overnight we self-clean the oven i don't know if you've self-cleaned enough how does it work okay it shuts it up and it heats it up to such an unbelievable level, but it like cleans as if you have to wipe it out. Nope. As if an

elf came in and I'm telling you a magical being came in and cleaned the oven. It's like a little brick or something, right? No. You turn the oven on a certain setting and it steams. I mean, I have it on mine. It steams it out. Dan, try it tonight. I'm telling you, self-clean your oven. Your oven on the inside. I didn't know our oven was blue. I came in the next morning. I mean, I have it on mine. It steams it out. Dan, try it tonight. I'm telling you, self-clean your oven.

Your oven on the inside. I didn't know our oven was blue. I came in the next morning. I'm like, it's blue. All right. So I'm just saying, maybe this guy's making pesto and maybe there needs to be

a self-cleaning option for the steps of the Capitol building. That's all I'm saying. I'm with you. How can I be a 48-year-old man with children and responsibilities and a taxpayer and a mortgage and not understand how a self-cleaning oven

works or be surprised and think that it's magic. Little victories, dude. Is that Satan? Satan? I ask you. Satan? Satan? Shay, a Republican from Spokane Valley, is being billed for the damage to the

steps and base of legislation. Wait, he's a Republican? Yes. They just said he's a Republican just to say it? Republican from Spokane Valley is being billed for the damage to the steps and base of legislative building north. Yes. They just said he's a Republican just to say it? Well, because he is a state representative. Oh, so he was a state representative. State representative.

So he works in the building. Yes. And he was like, let me mess with these people who are demonstrating. So he wanted to pour olive oil on the steps so that they would slip and fall. Dan, this is like- I'm not sure, but that's- By the way, if they slip and fall, they could sue the government, you dummy. I know.

This is why it fits. When they storm the castle and they pour hot stuff over the top. Maybe they're pouring hot olive oil over the top. He's a big fan of Swiss Family Robinson. He's got all sorts of little tools lined up to stop them. Guys, the castle is closed because we are

self-cleaning the drawbridge. Yes. Exactly. I didn't know it was blue. He's a Republican from Spokane Valley. He's being billed for the damage to the steps and at the base of Legislative Building North, Department of Enterprise's spokesperson Linda

Kent said. The damage occurred on March 6th. Linda Kent hasn't smiled in four years. The occurred on March 6th. Linda Kent hasn't smiled in four years. The damage occurred March 6th, the same day as the demonstration at the Capitol organized by the Satanic Temple of Washington, S.T. Debs.

If you want to go do that, you got to go get a form signed by Linda Kent. Oh, God, I have to go get it signed by. Yep. Yep. Linda,

you're going to want to go on a Friday. That's the only day she's tolerable. is a family picture linda please just you don't have to show us your teeth just curl your curl the outside parts of your mouth up linda the satanic temple had applied for and received a permit to hold a demonstration so they, which doesn't seem very satanic of them. I know. The fact that they have to apply for the thing. I'm telling you, they're as indoctrinated as Christians. They're just on the other side of the sheet. Dan, you may be right.

Look, in many ways, the truth is, what do we fear in God, in the God-fearing people? They fear retribution for breaking the rules. Here you go. You're fearing a deity. Right. You live in two houses next door to each other on the cul-de-sac. Yeah. 100%.

That's all you do. 100%. Satan's more fun. Videos from the day show people dressed in black hooded gowns, marching with black and white American flags, beating drums and chanting, Hail Satan. Several carried pentagram symbols,

often associated with Satanism. Behind them, others held a sign proclaiming Satan has... Oh, this is the people counter-protesting. Satan has no rights. God bless America. Satan does have rights. Like, this will never happen again.

Remember the olden days when people protested like weird stuff like this? And you just could? And it had nothing to do with like, let me not wear a mask or open up my gym? This is what it's going to be. This is what I'm doing on Saturday. I'm going to protest a Satan rally. What are you doing tomorrow?

I mean, who cares? Guys, could you imagine the gold if you were in a capital city of a state, it was before your Saturday show, and you get to watch a Satan rally? It would be the greatest thing ever. That's 20 minutes that night. I would go nuts.

20 minutes. Dan, you would have a 20-minute fully-formed story that night. We would have like 12 minutes of jokes about it. Shay looked on from the edge of the scene as the Satanists performed their demonstration and the counter-protesters tried to speak over them. I work for a government that allows free speech. How dare these people gather?

This to me also is when like two six-year-old boys argue over whose mom or dad could beat up the other person's mom or dad because they're both representing something they wholeheartedly believe in that is never going to happen like satan and god aren't going to fight each other so you're really just like arguing and you're hype manning a fight that's never going to happen they can't get mike tyson to fight evander holyfield how are they going to get god how

are they going to get god to fight satan agreed um he looked down from the edge as a counter protesters tried to speak. Shea did not respond to the request for comments. He wrote on Facebook that he had cleaned the ground after the Satanist demonstration. Shea can be seen on separate surveillance video carrying a bottle of olive oil. What that has to do with the devil, I do not know. Dude, the devil does not like pesto. That's right.

Garlic for vampires, olive oil for the devil. Here are two things we know about the devil. Number one, the devil wears Prada. Number two, the devil does not like pesto. Hates it. Shay can be seen on separate surveillance video carrying a bottle of olive oil through Capitol hallways, on Capitol grounds, and onto the stone steps that ended up being stained.

In some of the videos, he is trailed by a group of men and women. This is also... We're all telling him, don't do it. You know when they say like Thunderdome, like a new fighter has joined. Okay, so we've got the black hooded Satanists. By the way, who are not looking for a fight.

No, they had a permit. They just want to praise the God Satan in front of a government bill. Then we got counter-protesters screaming about Satan's rights. And then we got a state representative pouring olive oil on his steps. I got to give the glory to hell.

What could only make this better is that that state representative, Shay, was joined by a group of men wearing black leather vests emblazoned with crucifixes and calling themselves the Christian Crusaders. Several of them carry shofars

and ram horns. Okay, you know what a shofar is? That's the thing that they blow on the high holidays. Oh, yes. Okay, well, that's being co-opted by the nicest biker gang. You don't get to keep that the Christian Crusaders. These guys are idiots. I know saying this showed up to

perform some sort of ritual. She wrote on Facebook. That's where all good opinions live, right? It failed. We are victorious in Christ, and he granted us victory today. Don't anybody get eschewed. I am not. If you want to be Christian, great. You want to be Jewish? Be a good Christian that's nice to people. You want to be Satan? Great. But this is a ridiculous story of people thrown around olive oil and wearing leather vests. But this is no bad influence on the Satanists. The Satanists in this story have done nothing.

They are to be- They filed for a permit. I know. They showed up and did it the right way. But they're goofy too. They sacrificed a baby cleanly. Yeah. Johnny Olive Oil is the guy who's bringing-

Johnny Olive Oil has got all- Johnny Olive Oil is incredible. This guy's walking around. And it's like he's turned this into a religious West Side story. He says, Christ granted us victory today. We prayed, claimed, and cleaned the ground and evangelized, showing the radical love of God. You didn't clean the ground. Don't put radical with anything you're doing religious.

Can I just tell you that one's in black leather vests, the other's in a black robe. So the black leather vests are a hood and sleeves away from being the other people a hundred percent right that's it and they're all sleeves and they're all like three spikes on each shoulder away from being like a raiders yeah from the red black hole raiders fans you know what the funny thing is if somebody would just sort of would have just started a 12th man chant that probably would have brought all these people in Seattle together. There you go. A spokesman for the Satanic Temple of Washington said he didn't notice any conflict with Shay,

so he didn't even know that this guy was over on the steps. Oh, that guy? Are you ready for the name of the person who's a spokesperson for the Satanic Temple? I cannot wait. Tarkus Claypool. Tarkus. Which is like not weird enough to feel made up, but not normal enough to feel like it was his birth name. Tarkus Claypool.

Right. Old Tarky. We just focused on what we were doing, Claypool said. It's going to take a lot more than Matt Shea and his bottle of salad dressing to stop us from exercising. That is the most. By the way, that is the most shade he could throw. I know. That's why I love this story.

To call it. This know. That's why I love this story. To call it this is my favorite insult. Because it's just small. Just small. It's just small enough that if the Christian crusaders heard it, they're like, the hell did he just say? It's like weirdly emasculating

too. Like olive oil is one thing. Like salad dressing is like salad dressing is like he brings his own salad dressing to restaurants and maybe just he was going out to lunch and he brought also you notice in two things he's like didn't notice have no clue but then i'm also going to drop a very specific thing about what happened it's bottle of salad it's gonna take a lot more than matt shea and his bottle of salad dressing to stop us from exercising our first amendment right that's right i don't know why this is so

funny to me. They're so right. He threw that shade at him. Another video shows the damage. A hidden valley shade. A stain. How long do you guys think? How many feet do you think the stain is according to the DES incident report that runs on the marble

steps? Matt Shea is a stain. Yeah, he's the first. What is he? Five, eight. All right. So how many feet? Yeah. How long do you think the stain is?

Yeah. Is in feet, Dan? Okay. He's got to pay for it. It's on marble steps. If you're still thinking I have a 27 feet, 27 feet, 11 feet, nine inches. Okay. The stain about 100 feet long.

Oh, my God. A lot of salad dressing. Oh, my God. Runs from the street up the building's marble steps and along its base to its entry. Special care must be taken when cleaning and repairing historic masonry. That's not what people think about.

These old buildings were made a lot of really good material or sometimes material that had to be cut to clean. Dan had what you just said was the first fact of this whole thing special care takes place in cleaning historic masonry yes and because like you know you've spilled stuff on your couch and you use i will give you a different thing and my wife is a designer and we know this because we had we put marble countertops on our kitchen counter and she said, now listen, there are going to be stains on this. Like things are,

drinks are going to get put on this thing and there's nothing we can do about it. It's going to patina. So things get on there. There's like a stain over by where our knives are hanging up right now. It bothers me to no end. It looks like a little ring and I get so mad that I can't get it off because I'm not doing it the right't get it off. Nothing to do.

Because I'm not doing it the right way. Right. That is the exact example here. Yes. Masonry materials are porous, and oils and other material can penetrate into the microscopic pores, making extraction of the oil and other materials a time-consuming and difficult process. He should have to do it with his own toothbrush and then use that toothbrush. King 5, which I assume is a local news affiliate,

but I hope is just some person who's now entered this story. King 5. King 5. For a sporting goods store. Yes. First reported about Shea being billed for the damage. Kent said the Washington State Patrol was not asked to investigate because Shea did not intend to cause long-term damage.

She compared it to a ball kicked through a window. People do not often realize the long-term damage. She compared it to a ball kicked through a window. People do not often realize the long-term damage can be caused by historic buildings with such actions. You're not a seven-year-old kid who did this. You're an adult who understands you've got to pay. That's why Kent says, in cases like this, the cost to taxpayers makes

such repairs typically handled administratively with the responsible party billed. Gentlemen, to end out our second story this is a great story you're rounded to the nearest 100 how much do you think it costs to clean these steps how much do you think matt shea was billed for his little salad dressing stunt you can get a professional cleaner to power wash it or figure out a way to get to get it out right but it's going to cost you so how much you do you think it is, Jay? $4,700.

Okay. $6,900. One of you is exactly right. Oh, my God. I'm right. I think I'm right. I think I'm right. I think I'm right. I'm not going to go to the other side.

And I know only one of us can be right. Did you say 42? $4,700. $4,700. I said $6,900. Okay. Get your answers in, Ted. It's listed in the very first paragraph of the story.

I love it. He poured a trail of olive oil along the steps of the Capitol building. Causing more than. Townies, get your answers in right now because this is how we're ending story number two. $4,700. Yes. I knew it. That's a crazy poll, man.

That was a good guess good and dan kudos to you for staying calm when he made that guess because i had no idea whether it's like i had confidence in myself you were great all right there you go that's story number two can you give us a little tease of what we're gonna hear uh it's a fun one it's a short little nugget uh a guy get asked gets asked to do something we've all been asked to do dozens of times and for some reason has a problem with it. There we go. I love it.

Your little bottle of salad dressing, I don't know why that tickles me so much, but it was such a shade power move. I love it so much. All right, we have one more story to go. We had Jimmy O. Yang in the first segment. I'm so happy he was able to do that. And hey, this is how we roll in the pandemic.

We try and do it, and the three of us are together, so we're going to give you this last story, just the three of us, is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have a huge announcement two days from now.

On Thursday night, Randy, Dan, and I are doing a live comedy show where we can hear your laughter. You get to be, quote unquote, in the Zoom where it happens. In the Zoom where it happens. The Zoom where it happens. So it's so much fun. We have not done a full stand-up show. We miss doing a headlining set.

And Dan's going to do a nice long set. It's such a great thing. It's at the Nowhere Comedy Club. If you go to eventbrite.com, look up Night of a Thousand Sklars, you'll see it. You get a ticket. There's some VIP tickets left. I think there are only like 15 or so. By the time this airs on

Tuesday, maybe there might be less. You cap the room so it can sell out and you could end up on Thursday being like, oh, you know what? I'm going to do something fun and hang with the boys and you might be locked out. We're recording this five days before this episode drops. And right now we're pushing up over a third sold already and it's moving every day.

So, you know, this is your last chance. Get in on this. If you're a dumb people town fan and you've been missing the live energy, we'll be doing standup and there are little pieces. Here is my hope. do our stand-up we do our headlining set dan does a guest set and what happened to us happens to dan where they'll be like okay dan's gonna now go do a headlining set there which would be awesome and this is just a great club to support if you're like god i miss going out and watching comedy and if you say to yourself it's not expensive either i think it's

10 15 bucks it's so worth it, and it helps us out, and it helps this club out, and it keeps comedy alive. So again, Nowhere Comedy Club. If you go to eventbrite.com and look up Night of a Thousand Flowers, you can get your tickets for that.

All right, should we jump in? That's Thursday night, 7 Pacific, 7 p.m. Pacific, 10 Eastern Time, June 4th. And you also probably heard in the ads, and we mentioned my game night thing. If you're interested in that, go back, listen to that ad in case you scroll through them. Don't, because a lot of times we plug great heard in the ads, and we mentioned my game night thing. If you're interested in that, go back, listen to that ad in case you scroll through them.

Don't, because a lot of times we plug great things in there, or we're telling you about products and services that we actually believe in and love. Amen. So if you missed out on game night with Daniel Van Kirk, you might want to go back and listen to those ads. Got it. All right, here we go.

Ready? I'm going to just read you the headline, because it's short. Let's hear it. It was sent in by Jake Groney, at Jake Groney. Groney, Groney, Groney. Friend grand of the show we have so many great people jay groney and the gentleman joe gentleman joe jay groney uh the laura lorna you know yeah katherine laura katherine tuck

yeah katherine tuck we got so many good people this is a lot of sinia there's so many good people in Cincinnati. La Asinia. There's so many great people. Okay, here we go. Athens man offended after being told to pull forward at drive-thru. When was the last time you were at a drive-thru, Dan? Have you been to a drive-thru during the pandemic? I have. You have. I don't know. I went to In-N-Out for my kids. There is, I went to Starbucks for my kids.

I was like, you guys want, because I get them like pink drinks and decaf. By the way, it was the simplest way to make my kids happy. They were so nice to me the rest of the day. Yes, I went through a McDonald's. So it's like just a simple way to kind of, and I went through it and I'm like, this is remarkably efficient because I don't

normally go through drive-thrus. We just don't, I don't do that. It was remarkably efficient. I loved everybody who was a part of it. The person who worked there was so sweet and so nice to me and the kids. It was great. Like here's what had to like, and something tricky had to happen because each of them had Starbucks cards that they were given for like Christmas or something or Hanukkah or something like that. Separate transactions. Right. So I had to happen because each of them had Starbucks cards that they were given for like Christmas or something or Hanukkah or something like that. Separate transactions. Right. So I had to say to this person who had gloves on and I know they were, and it was like a huge line. I was like, listen, I'm so sorry I'm doing this ahead of time. That's a good start. A lot of people skip over that. I'm so sorry.

I was like, I know this is going to be annoying and you are awesome and thank you, but can we put the pink drink on this one and the other one on this one? Is that okay? And the person was like, yeah, sure. It was totally. So it's like, why would you ever get mad at these people who are literally trying and still working? Well, who's the person who told him to pull up?

That's what I don't know. Was it another driver? Or was it the establishment? Okay. An Athens man was barred. Athens, Georgia? Yeah. Okay.

Was barred from the McDonald's on Prince Avenue. week after he objected to a clerk, quote, telling him to pull forward at the drive-thru window. Instead of asking him? I guess you asked him. Sir, you have to pull forward. Pull forward. Sir, you have to pull forward. Hey, buddy, just pull on forward for me.

Pull on up. That counts as being told. Sir, there's people behind you, so I need you to pull up. Yep. That's forceful. I just need you to pull on up for me. And you know what you're going to do? Thanks.

There's your money. And then you're just going to pull on up to that next window. Right. That could have been what pissed him off. Because he wanted respect. Because people are babies. I know. What prequel to the movie Falling Down is he living in?

You're at McDonaldcdonald's relax these are the type of people who who yell like that drop n bombs at baseball games on you know and and sporting events and say i bought my ticket right i can say whatever i want that does it no you can't no you cannot no you can't like there is a contract. No, you can't. Like, there is a contract. I remember, there was a, there was an unwritten contract that when we go to a business, we have to act civil to each other. Right.

You're not allowed to go in and start insulting people unless you're at the wiener circle. what do you think's gonna happen if you pull up, what, how do you think you're gonna get your food? I'll be like,

sir, yours isn't ready yet. And then my dick is going in that food, like, in the back. I was like, oh, Jay's gonna say,

it isn't ready. And then I'm gonna make that guy wait for 35 back. I was like, oh, Jay's going to say it isn't ready, and then I'm going to make that guy wait for 35 minutes. No, I'm going to take a swipe my ass with his buns. I'm going to do all of it. I don't give a shit. So you put your order in, and someone says, pull around. Right. Is that telling him?

Okay, pull around. Technically, it is. That's what I'm saying. This dude needs to chill out. He was mad that they didn't say please for us. This dude is the definition of a chump. McDonald's is allowed, quote, McDonald's is allowed to

ask him to pull forward, but they cannot tell him to do so. Is that what he said? Yes. I would say they can tell you. You can just decide if you're an asshole about it. Tell you to leave, too. Here's what I love. Ready? The employee then refused to serve the man. Good on you, man.

There you go. Like dealing with a four-year-old. All right, now you don't get nothing. No soup for you. Right. No soup for you. No soup for you. The employee then refused to serve the man who demanded a refund and again appeared upset

when the refund was made in all coins. Yes! So they paid him back. They did not pay him. Refund. Refund. Refund. Refund. I'd be like, to my coworker, I'd be like, hey, Mitch. They did not pay him. Refund. Refund. Refund. I'd be like to my co-worker.

I'd be like, hey, Mitch. Crack out the crack out those rolls of pennies. This is fast. Sir, if you don't shut off, I'm going to kick 100% of your ass. Yeah, exactly. Fast times. He demanded a refund and again appeared upset when the refund was made in all coins. Yep.

The man then went inside the restaurant to complain and police were called. The officer banned the upset customer from the restaurant for two years. Is that even going to hold up in court? Okay, so this week, Jay and I talk about this all the time. No, no, no. How is someone going to get banned?

It's like, how do you enforce that? Depends on your town. I Rochelleelle you could be like the vankirk's aren't allowed in here anymore and that would hold up everybody knows maybe maybe in athens georgia is where university of georgia is where it's where rem came up yeah this is a big town and you got to put their picture by the drive-thru window i guess so but what if that person comes in disguise? That's great. You spend your life in disguise. Bobby Valentine.

I just like the cop that's like two years. You're out. Who came up with two years? Who enforces that? He's got a chief who's like, look, Don, you're doing a great job. You've been really good at de-escalating things. You're part of the solution. You're one of the good cops.

But you can't. You have no way to enforce you banning these people. Now I got to station a guy here. Right. So you at mcdonald's was there when the cop was there and the cop started talking was like all right two years you're banned and the manager's like whoa i can't devote a person now you gave me a whole other thing i gotta do this is we talk about suly mccullough's joke his joke about mcdonald's is the best he's like no one no matter what you do you cannot get fired from mcdonald's he's like you like a guy could stab the manager at mcdonald's and the manager would be falling down blood coming out of his side and he's like man you cut me real

deep but i need you up on that fry station for the next hour because we in a rush i mean that's it i mean that is right this is the kind of place where they can't fire anyone. Also, in Athens, Georgia, there's another McDonald's. Guaranteed, there's two McDonald's. Yeah, just go to the other one. It's just, what a bummer. By the way, he's embarrassed. He is acting like a jerk, this guy. This is the point at which I'm like, okay, this is the guy who,

he should be shouted down on social media. You know what I mean? Sometimes social media gets it right. They get it right, and you can, sometimes. I'm saying we should be able to use this to shout this guy down and make him feel small i would agree with you i will ask you that how old gentleman how old do you think this man is are we going out on this yes all right how old do you think the guy who thinks the man is a loose term. He can't be told. Human's a loose term. He can't be told. Mentally, he's four. Yeah. Okay.

Jay? 60 years old. 60 years old. Yeah, damn it. I thought the same thing. 64. 64 years old. Feels old, doesn't it?

Feels like an old man. 64, and he wears jeans all the time. Yep. Right. 64. To bed. Yeah. Jeans to bed. Well, that's what he is. Do you remember the right 64 to bed yeah jeans jeans to bed well that's what do you

remember the last time he wears jeans he wears shoes to bed do you remember no one tells you in your 20s that someday you will not be able to sleep in jeans because i guarantee you were you slept in your jeans at some point probably i have in my 20s you were it was like after a concert yeah you were staying at a friend's that's how you got to the concert and they were like i'll just sleep here that's fine did i tell you the story about when I went to, this is a crazy story. I went to a Phish concert. So my first job out of college was I worked at this place called Jack's, which was Jewish alcoholics.

Chemically independent persons and significant others. Wow. My cousin had had the job there. I just needed a job so we could pay our rent so we could do standup. It was a very heavy job. It was basically a supplementary group that provided supplementary programs for Jews who used as an excuse, I don't want to go into a church basement to do a 12-step program. So they're like, look, you got to go to the 12-step program. And this doesn't mean when you say the Lord's Prayer,

that doesn't mean that you, you know, this doesn't mean you've renounced your Judaism. This is just you recovering. And we'll plan all these events for other Jewish alcoholics and Jewish people who are chemically dependent so you can form a network. It was a great, great organization. And I was like planning events or involved. And I became friendly with some of the people,

some of the folks who some of the young people who were even in recovery all like the whole mix because i'm a friendly person and i got so so one of the guys from someone who was in recovery was a huge fish fan and we were huge i was a huge fish fan at the time and he said i got tickets for a show in rhode island uh in wherever no providence at the providence at the providence civic center or whatever the civic center and he's like i want i want you to go with me and i was like cool i'm not your sponsor you know what i mean like this is like i if you're a fish fan and you're in recovery and you're going to a fish concert. I can't believe it. So I agreed to go and I...

What was the guy's name? I can't remember. I can't even say it. But I can't remember. But anyway, so he and his big bearded dude and a really sweet guy and I connected with him really well. And so I show up to the thing and he's not there yet. I'm meeting him at this venue and then

I'm in providence in providence rhode island i'm living in new york city you took a train up there took a uh no i drove i think i or we never rented a car no no i took a train and then he was gonna drive or something and so so i run into friends of mine out front when i haven't seen him yet yeah and they're like move that mouse bar for me just so I can see it. That's so going. They're like, hey, listen, we have some,

Oh, I got to do it. Keep going, Jay. I'm listening to you. We have some weed. Do you want to get high? And I was like, oh man, I don't, don't,

I don't think this is a good idea. Don't do it. But I'm like, I haven't been to a, I haven't been to a fish show and seen it sober before, but I was like, I'll just take a, like the tiniest little tiniest little. And so I smoke it.

And then, then I ask, Hey, how strong is this? I just, but I did that after. And they're like, Oh, this is crazy. That's the wrong time to ask. So then I am like floored. I'm like, I almost can't talk. And now I got to find this guy. Oh my God.

So I find the guy and I'm holding it together as best I can through the whole show. Which means you're not holding it together. Which means I'm totally not holding it together. But the concert, we're at a concert, so I don't have to like sit and have a whole conversation. Right, right, right. But you know, this is a bearded, long haired dude. He looks like a homeless guy. And he's at the

sweetest 95 fish 95 fish and we go and stay at our friend this girl who had who was going to who had gone to brown university i think it was her i think she was back at brown university for her senior year in her 20s so we're in her 20s so i this is the last time i slept in my jeans and so we're staying at her house because it's on a winter break or a spring break or something like that. And I just was like to this guy, he's like, is it okay if we stay here?

And I'm like, yes, it's okay. Meanwhile, I'm like, I think I could have triggered his relapse and this whole thing over and over again. But in my mind, I'm like, i survived this this thing i got him through it and and i didn't i didn't make a scene and he's okay and he wasn't talking about there was a time during the concert he was like man i wish i could smoke and i'm like you probably shouldn't you know i'm trying to talk to him i'm like it's bad for you and so then i'm not your sponsor i'm not your

sponsor so i go in and i sleep up in our friend's room. She told me where her room was. He's like, I don't know if I feel comfortable sleeping in the room. I'm just going to sleep on the couch in the living room. Yeah. So at 7 in the morning, and we were out until late, late, late. Let's be honest. At 7 in the morning, I hear a woman scream. No.

No. One of the roommates of this girl came back up to school early oh god and had not communicated with this other person and there's a bearded like what appears to be a homeless man laying on their couch in the house and she screams and i and the guy starts freaking out that triggered that is like the more triggering thing and so i had to come downstairs and i'm like this is my friend and you know of course like he wasn triggering thing. And so I had to come downstairs and I'm like, this is my friend. And, you know, of course, like he wasn't really my friend. So like I'm stumbling to remember his last name because it's a crazy situation.

And I'm like, I'm friends with this woman and it's her house. And as you're explaining it, it makes no sense. I sound like such a shyster the whole way. And I'm like, we're leaving anyway right now. We're probably on our way out of here at seven in the morning. Which, by the way, also seems like you're running away from something that you shouldn't be there for. Right. And I was like, call

your friend and she'll tell you that I was supposed to be there, but I didn't mention that this other guy was going to be staying there. That's the last time I slept in my jeans. Oh, my God. And I was lucky I slept in my jeans because I literally slid into my shoes and got the F out of there. That's so great. Is that crazy? All right. I will tell you right now that this man sleeps in his jeans.

I said 61. I said 60. You said 60. I said 64. Yeah, he is. 33 years old. Oh, my God. Just a young prick.

Who the hell are you to think you deserve that much respect at 33? I know. Like, I can understand an old man. You ain't done shit. I can understand an old man feeling like no one respects me and this world doesn't affect me i can understand that line of reasoning even though he's wrong in this situation he got what he deserved and like i said should be shouted so 33 is is entitlement it's it's it's an entitlement thing i'm a a big boy now. Right. You asked me to come around.

It's like, no, move around. It's like anyone who wants to parse whether the end of the sentence went up or down or down, deserves all of his money back in change for the rest of his life, banned for two years and shouted into a hole in social media. And you shouldn't,

you shouldn't be eating that food anyway, dummy. That's the show. One third Yang, two thirds us one-third jimmy o yang two-thirds uh dumb people town thank you jimmy he's gonna come back and do a full one with us he had a lot of stuff to do so check out uh space force and definitely check out his uh stand-up special watch us on thursday night on the nowhere comedy club go to eventbrite.com night of a thousand scholars you can see daniel do his new stand-up is so funny we have a bunch of new bits in there as well it's going to be a really super fun night uh tickets are going so again coming up in the next couple weeks we've got uh we're gonna have a

mini episode with nate craig i'm very excited about michael liam black we're gonna get have him jeff ross jeff ross the roast master general bigley is gonna do it at the end of this month so lots of good people on the show coming up we We have lots of good stuff for you. And, oh shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk it down.

It's Dumb People Town.