Dumb People Town - Joe DeRosa - LIVE from Houston

Episode Date: December 26, 2017

This week, the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk come to you live from Houston, joined by comedian and actor Joe DeRosa (Better Call Saul, Emotional Hangs)! The group recounts some Jan Flato facts before jumping into Story #1, which is the tale of a man who h...

This is gonna be so fucking funny. These guys travel every fucking where you guys are gonna love them. Let's go ahead and start clapping for Mr. Daniel Van Kirk and the Sklar Brothers, Dumb People Town! Daniel ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail in Florida There's half-bite'sars fail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this So listen to our podcast band

With co-host Armand Dan Vendors, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Jump around, jump around Jump people down You guys! You guys!

You guys! All right, we got to say it. Welcome, townies. It's another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Hell, yes. Yes, give yourselves a round of applause. Oh, my God.

Houston, we got Daniel Van Kirk here. Do you guys know Dan? What is up? Now, if you guys will let me, I'm about to do ten minutes on the woodlands. Yes! We're going to talk about moms who drive Lexuses and dudes

that fuck their secretaries. It's the woodlands! That's what it's about, Dan. You just described half of this town. So this show, I don't know how many people listen to Dumb People Town out there. What town is? Great. For those who don't know, the world is getting dumber. Very much so.

We know that. Every single day, the world is getting dumber. It is our job to try and make fun of dumb people for doing dumb things. That's the only way we can fight back at it. There is somewhere in Florida a naked man with a machete in a pool taking a shit. Right now. As we speak. And he doesn't own the machete or the pool.

But he thinks it's his ex-wife's house. So he thinks he's doing a good thing. So that's the backdrop. Our townies send stories to Dan, and he gets these stories. We've never heard the stories, and neither has our guest, and I think we should introduce our guest.

Let's bring our guest up tonight. He is fantastic. We've wanted him on the show for a long time. He did an amazing Comedy Central Hour special at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. He's got an incredible podcast himself with Kurt Braunohler called Emotional Hangs. He's one of my favorite comedians.

Please welcome Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa! Hey, buddy. You were also on Better Call Saul, and you were fantastic on that. How good was he as the veterinarian on Better Call Saul? The listener at home, we're rearranging the stage. I want you guys to be able to see that screen because

we have a lot of good things happening today in the town. Do we have a picture of our most favorite member of our Facebook community? Now, there are people... How many people in this room are townies? Yes. Okay, for those of you who aren't, many people in this room are townies? Yes.

For those of you who aren't, there's a man in our town named Jan Flato. No. We're changing his name to Jan Flato. The real man is Flato. The legend is Flato.

That's right. He went into a casino with a woman that he thought was his friend. Probably half his age, probably Russian. Yes. Both of those things are not probably the truth. Definitely a prostitute. He put money into the slot machine.

She pressed spin. They won $100,000. Then Jan found out the person who makes the bet, not the person who pays for it, wins the money. She goes, don't worry, we'll split it. Then she went and got $100,000 and made security hold Jan down while she left. She left with his $100,000. Now, we just described to you a man who has been put upon. We just described to you a man who has been put upon.

I am now going to show you his picture if you have not seen him, and he will surpass the dreams that you have already drawn in your mind. Okay. Andrew Youngblood, please bring up Jan Flano. Oh, yeah. There he is. This man is a goddamn saint. That's right. I was wondering where Brett Butler's been.

When we did this story for you townies, you already know, for everybody who's new to town, this is our mayor. I looked at that photo, and I'm like, Jan Flotto still thinks he can beat you in a race. That's right. So what happened was we started the Dumb People Town Facebook page and people started commenting

and people started joining the page. Jan Flato himself, as we told the story, joined the page and started writing about this woman that took his money away. Oh, no. On more than one occasion, he said, we need to give her a lie detector test. Yes.

He didn't just join the page. He is an active participant. If you are not already on the Dumb People Town Facebook page, get on it. You will see such

gems as me saying I'm going to be in Baton Rouge on Monday, which I just plugged, but also wanted to tell you, Jan just wrote I'll come to the

show if you'll make fun of me. Okay. I'm not joking. Look right now. Look at him. This is the kind of guy that gets a colonoscopy every two months.

You know what I'm saying? This is the guy that walks into Supercuts and says, I'm here to cut the mane. Jan Vlado's the type of guy that's gotten laid at a Costco. Jan Vlado is the type of guy who's told a five-year-old, look, it's two small prizes for a medium, or a medium and a small for a large. You pick what you want.

That's right. Jan Vlato has already selected his burial plot, coffin, headstone, and date that he will die. Jan Flato has officiated the wedding of both of his ex-wives. Jan Flato has seen the movie Taken more than he's seen his daughter in the last year.

Jan Flato made his car by himself into T-tops. Jan Flato has three lint rollers on him at all times. Jan Flato knows every line of First Blood. Jan Flato

is convinced that a steak can be cooked properly in a microwave. Microwave. Jan Vlado thinks Robert Mugabe should just step aside already. Jan Vlado wrote his own name for the presidential election of 2016. And then voted for someone else. Did not check the box next to other. No.

Jan Flato has won a local chili cook-off without even entering the competition. Jan Flato has never had a shirt whose sleeves couldn't be cut. Jan Flato ran for mayor of his hometown with the campaign slogan, See Becky, I told you I would. Jan Flato wears a gold medallion of Jan Flato. For a friend, Jan Flato has neutered a cat in his garage. Jan Flato has told more than one person today it's not a pyramid scheme.

All right, I think that's good, Jan Flato. Jan Flato, everybody. Jan Flato, everyone. A.K that's good Jan Flato. Jan Flato, everybody. A.K.A. Jan Flatoism. Can I say something? I didn't know you guys were going to do this run of Jan Flato. We didn't either. I just looked over at Randy's phone before it started and I was like, why the fuck

does he have Jan Flato written over and over again in this text thread? I thought you were just scared you were going to forget his name. I was going to why the fuck does he have Jan Flato written over and over again in this text thread? I thought you were just scared you were going to forget his name. I was going to forget his name. That's Jan Flato. I didn't realize these were all bits. He's like a modern day Rumpelstiltskin. If you say it three times, he will show up.

Yeah, he'll show up if you say his name. I wish he could be here right now, but he's having his own fondue dinner at his house. I will say this. Someday, we will meet Jan Flato. Someday, Jan Flato will be the guest of honor at one of these shows. I love him. I love you, Jan.

Wherever you are, Jan, please stay alive tonight. Well, we've got stories. We've got Joe DeRosa here, and we're going to break these stories down. So, Dan, you want to jump into one? Let's do it. This was sent in by Spooky Bones Jones at Kev

Jones 30. Okay. Nothing racist about that. No. Alright. An Oklahoma man. Okay. As some of you may know, these people write these articles as though they are giving a newscast,

and they want me to read it that way. Right. So in the sing-songy newscast way, Dan. You have to give it the inflection. You gotta give it a newscast inflection. An Oklahoma man is greasing the wheels of justice with lots of Vaseline.

Uh-uh. No, stop it. I'm already like, go home. Stop it. When the names, guys, in this town. I can't wait. When John Wayne Kellerman. Okay, John Wayne Kellerman is like two-thirds of a serial killer.

John Wayne Cool Kellerman Jew. But you know he's like, you just call me J-Dub. You just call me J-Dub. J-Dub's good. Just call me J-Dub. J-Dub Kells. He was pulled over on October 15th. He could have easily given officers the slip.

That's because the 54-year-old was mostly covered in Vaseline on his hands and upper and lower parts of his body. What? Why did they single out the hands and then just say the lower and upper parts of the body? You're right, that is odd. He's covered in Vaseline all over his body. Do you have to fill a certain number of words in the article?

Hands, so he can slip out of the cuffs. That's a smart guy. I saw Gerald's game. His hands, so he can slip out of the cuffs. That's a smart guy. I saw Gerald's game. His hands so they can slip out. That's an important forward thinker. Have you ever been arrested? No, I got caught stealing once at a shopping store called Ports of the World in Pottstown, Pennsylvania. Okay, what were you stealing?

I stole three cassette tapes. College Boys, Poor Righteous Teacher's second album. Worth it. And Kid Frost's second album. Okay. All right. And they fined me $150 and let me walk. Wow.

That's pretty good. And then my mom beat me the whole way home. Okay. All right. Welcome to town. Okay. Now, I'm going to show you guys what J.W. Kellerman looks like. Okay, let's take a look.

Now, first of all, he looks like a combination of two things. The first one is, let's bring it up, Andrew Youngblood, who's working. Thank you, Andrew. Okay. Oh, no, go to the other one. I'm sorry, Andrew. We'll get back to that. I jumped around.

You know what? Nothing's perfect in town, guys. Jump three right there. Boom, boom, boom. Okay. He looks like a combination of the dude. Right? And then the next one, Rob Ryan. Now wait.

I'm about to show you what John Wayne Kellerman looks like. He's a mixture of those two things. Ready? This what John Wayne Kellerman looks like. He's a mixture of those two things. Ready? This is John Wayne Kellerman. Hit it. Oh!

Yes! He's like a hillbilly magician. I thought those were all the same person. All three of those pictures. I know! He's got, like, literally, if somebody's like, what do you mean by dead behind the eyes? That's it.

This is the type of guy who gets 13 hours of sleep every night and is still tired. You know what I mean? No, he has dead eyes. He has really sad eyes. According to an affidavit filed by the case by Garfield County Sheriff's Office Deputy Daryl Beebe. Beebe.

Yep. Kellerman was the driver of a vehicle stopped for speeding the afternoon of October 15th on East South Gate. Beebe. Uh-huh. B-E-E-B-E. B-E-E-B-E. He's named after what killed Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. That's right.

Spoiler alert. Or Don Beebe. Spoiler alert. Wow, spoiling that movie, Dan. Beebe clocked the vehicle traveling at 57 in a 45. Is that a dick ticket? That's a dick ticket. 12 is the line, guys.

I'm with the cops on this one. It's not B.B. Jodorows is with B.B. here. That's 12 over. I think you're allowed 10 over. You go 10? After 10, you're pushing it. I go 7 and never worry about it.

This son of a bitch knew he was doing something wrong, which is why he was all greased up already. He knew that that extra two miles was pushing it. He had just lost his girlfriend's son at a mall because he went into a bar and drank too much.

So, he wanted to get out of there pretty quickly. Of course you're going to go 57 in a 45. When I look at John Wayne Kellerman, I don't know him personally, but I can tell you for a fact, when he puts on a leather jacket, he then brings his hair out the back. Yes. Shakes it out.

Shakes it out. Shakes it out. Okay, so they clocked and traveling 57 in a 45 zone and initiated a traffic stop on the 1600 block of East Southgate. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour.

Add it to the walking tour. When the vehicle pulled into the driveway, according to the affidavit, Bebe approached the vehicle and spoke with the, quote, nearly naked man who was wearing only A.

Now, I'm going to give you guys three guesses. Okay. This is good. What do you think, in addition to being covered in Vaseline? He's the opposite of an Ice Cube song. Okay. He is covered in Vaseline. Ready?

And be ready, because I want three guesses from the audience. Put your hand up in the air if you want to guess. I will call on you. Here we go. Ready. Was he wearing a visor, a thong, a three patron saint medallion? Okay. Okay.

Now, Jodorowsky, you are our guest, which means you can go first, third, or Tig. Tig is the second spot. I'm going to go first. Okay. Because I know the answer. You do? Don't say that spot. I'm going to go first. Okay. Because I know the answer. You do? Don't say that. It is without question a visor.

Okay. It has to be a visor. All right. It has to be a visor. He's coming from a poker game. All right. Fine. Okay.

Or a golf tournament. Okay. That he wasn't in. Right. I think he's wearing a thong. Randy says a thong. That's right. It's just convenience.

Jason Sklar, a visor, a thong, a three-pattern St. Medallion. And sock over his penis is not an option. No. Tube sock. I'm going to say just for fun, medallion, just to be different. Okay. All right. Does anybody out here want to give a guess?

Gentleman up front, say your name. Alex. Alex? No, thong. Thong. Thank you, Alex. Okay, anybody else? Right here.

Allison. Allison? Visor. Visor. One more. Let's stay in the front. Jake, med Allison. Right here. Allison. Visor. One more. Let's stay in the front. Medallions. Thank you, Jake. Thank you.

Okay, let's see. Someone with sense. John Wayne Kellerman. Look at this gentleman. His goatee says convict and Christmas. It does say part-time Santa, for sure. For sure. He showed up and was like, close enough, motherfucker.

Just give me the money. Here we go. Wait, he's not a mall Santa. He's a strip mall Santa. Hello. At Sklar Brothers. Very good, Randy. That is at Sklar Brothers.

Here we go. John Wayne Kellerman. The man who's seen the movie Wild Hogs 11 times. Today. Today. We were in that movie and we haven't seen it. Was covered head to toe in Vaseline and his hands. Was wearing a thong bikini.

Oh! Impressive. Specifically thong bikini. Yes! Impressive. Specifically, thong bikini. I hate that it was a thong. I cannot believe that he's putting that on and feeling good about himself. No. I know. Is he a trucker?

Like, what is that? I mean, a former trucker at least. Yeah. BB then noted he saw a nearly empty jar of Vaseline in the vehicle. He also noted the driver had Vaseline covering his hand and upper and lower body parts. Do you think when the cop walked up, he just was like, come on, man. Jesus Christ. He walked up and was like, Jesus Christ.

I literally think the cop turned into Danny Glover and then went, I'm getting too old for this. That's right. I think Cisco has to release a statement and be like, this is not what I meant by the thong song. I'm sorry I wrote that song. I wish Cisco would release a statement saying, this is exactly what I meant by the thong song.

The cop also noted, that'd be Bebe, there was also a pornographic magazine in the passenger seat of the vehicle. Oh, God. Dude, which means one other thing. That he doesn't have internet access? Yes. Exactly.

It means John Wayne Kellerman loves a good flip phone. Yeah, he does. That is the other thing that that means. I thought it meant that he does not know how to properly masturbate. You know what I mean? It's all over the top. That's a lot of that.

Hey, I've never done it. Maybe he knows the best way to masturbate. That's right. I don't know. Open the door. B.B. asked the man, John Wayne Kellerman, for identification and noted that John Wayne Kellerman was acting, quote, extremely nervous. No shit, B.B.

Yeah. He's covered in Vaseline And you just stopped him Do you think John Wayne Kellerman was like Can you give me three more minutes? Yeah The man's hands were shaking According to the affidavit BB was given an Oklahoma identification

By the driver And the man identified himself as John Wayne Kellerman Don't you feel like every time I say his name I should be saying the third? Yes John Wayne Kellerman. Don't you feel like every time I say his name, I should be saying the third? Yes. John Wayne Kellerman, Esquire. A sergeant... Doctor John Wayne Kellerman.

DDS. A sergeant... Chiropractor John Wayne Kellerman. A sergeant arrived at the scene of the traffic stop to do a vehicle inventory. According to the Enid News and Eagle, the officer noted that the driver's side of the car was extremely greasy.

Yes. Guys, let's Perry Mason this shit for just a second. Let's do it. If that doesn't make sense to you, call your Aunt Donna and figure it out. She'll tell you who that is. Here's what I find the most fascinating. They said a near-empty tub

of Vaseline. I've had the same travel-size Vaseline for a good 11 years. Have you ever tried to cover your body and your hands with it? I got news for you. I have on several occasions. That's his nightly ritual. Lenny left. A little dab will do you.

A little dab will do you. Little dab will do you. Little dazzling goes a long way. This is what I want to point out. If the outdoor of the passenger, the driver's side door, if it's greasy, that means he greased up and then like rubbed himself on his car. Right. And then got in. That's right.

Where are you? Like he should have asked his equally aged roommate, where are you going? Where are you going? He would have had... Okay, so remember when we were all... You guys went to college, I assume. Yeah, sure.

So remember when you were in college and you get really stoned? Sure. And then you'd all sit around, you and your buddies, and talk about how you liked to masturbate. It was like a big... Okay. It's a different school.

You would do it for each other. Now I'm back on board. You have that talk where you're like, what's your thing? You kind of open up about it. No? Do you guys... I'm with you. I'm a judge. I'm like, we'll allow it. That means I want to hear more of what you're saying.

I'm just saying, after they went around the room, this guy had the... He had his way. He had the worst answer in the group. He said how he liked to masturbate and everybody was like, okay, game's over. Yeah, that's it. See you later, J-Dub. He even beats the guy that's like,

I like to fuck a pillow. Is that weird? He's like, well, hell, I like to cover myself in Vaseline. Not as weird as... Jesus. a pillow. Is that weird? Well, hell, I like to cover myself in Vaseline. Not as weird as... Jesus. Kellerman told Bebe, this is John Wayne's excuse.

He told Bebe he was looking for his friend's house and thought the driveway he pulled into was his friend's. I'm going to tell you guys right now, don't have friends like that. Yeah. And the more you keep saying the word friends, the more I think you don't have any friends.

You know what I mean? The more the fact that I realize you got your friend's driveway wrong means you don't have any friends. By the way, I don't know a lot of country music, but is this a Trace Atkins song? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Greased up the Ford and went to my friend's driveway.

This is actually the lyrics of the theme song to Friends. It was the original pilot. I'll be greased for you. Officer... That was really good. Officer BB asked John Wayne Kellerman

if he was masturbating. I'm about to read two sentences in a row that I love. This is the threshold of criminal ability that John Wayne Kellerman has. By the way, these are two sentences that this person has to look back at the

moment when they said to their parents, I graduated from journalism school. Now read this. Officer Beebe asked John Wayne Kellerman if he was masturbating, and John Wayne Kellerman told Officer Beebe he was. He walked up. What are you doing?

Nothing. Were you masturbating? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. At that point, John, here's the next sentence. At that point, John Wayne Kellerman offered Beebe a rag to wipe off the ID card, but B.B. refused.

I got a rag. Officer B.B. proving never take a rag from a man who's just been masturbating. That's right. I don't want to say that was a rag. It looked like a cardboard box at that point. Jesus Christ. I'm really sorry, officer. If I was the cop, He could have charmed,

if I was the cop, he could have charmed me out of that with a cute southern turn of phrase. Right? If I said, were you masturbating? And he just went,

well, I'll be a pluck chicken. I have. I would have been like, all right, get out of here. Get out of here. Well, listen. Kiss me. Were you masturbating?

Does the Pope shit in the woods? Yeah. Well, kiss me three times and tell me it's Christmas. Yes, I was. But what if he said... Were you masturbating? Do stepkids get picked up at Buc-ee's? Yes, I was.

Yes, they do. So, yes, the stepkid drop-off at Buc-ee's is very interesting. Were you masturbating? Like, Harvey Weinstein Nearpoddy plant. Nearpoddy plant. I thought that was going to get a bigger laugh. He's just sliding into someone's DMs. Give him a little break.

Officer, I'm real sorry. You want that rag to wipe off that ID? No. Nope. I do not. Officer Beebe checked Kellerman's license and discovered he was driving on a revoked license.

In fact, John Wayne Kellerman's license had not been valid since and now we're going to guess the year. Okay. Good. Good. How many years? That's all you have to tell me. Don't worry about figuring out the year. How many years has John Wayne Kellerman, this guy right here, been driving on a revoked license?

Yes. It's probably since he started doing local circuit professional wrestling. Now, Joe DeRosa, you are a guest. First, Tig, or third? This is a 1980s man right here. I'm going to go 35 years. 35 years. That is every time you get into your Pontiac Bonneville,

you are guessing. You are tempting fate. No, you're playing with house money. You're whipping out the Vaseline. You're playing with house Vaseline at that point. This man has clearly been getting away with something for a long time. He feels free enough to drive around covered in Vaseline at that point. This man has clearly been getting away with something for a long time. He feels free enough to drive around covered in Vaseline while masturbating. He's eluded the law for some time.

He clearly does not own his own bathtub. Randy Sklar. I'm going to say he's been driving around for 18 years on a revoked license. 18 years. What do you think? Jason Sklar. It's like nine years. Nine years. Yeah. you think? Jason Sklar. It's like nine years. Nine years.

Yeah. Nine years. 2009 is when you got it wrong. All right. Do we have anybody who would like to take a guess in the audience? Gentleman right here. Seven years. What's your name?

Mitchell says seven. This woman back here. Young lady right. Where did you go? Yeah, the back there. Yes. 20 years. 20 years from Dana.

Let's get one more. I want to go way in the back. This guy right here. 36 years. Wow. One's get one more. I want to go way in the back. This guy right here. 36 years. Wow. One up to him. Okay. 13.

I mean, he doesn't seem like the kind of con man who can get away with it for that long. I mean, look at 13 or 14. What do you got? Okay. We're going to get out of here on this. John Wayne Kellerman. Get out of here on this. John Wayne Kellerman.

John Wayne Kellerman has been driving around Oklahoma and wherever he sees his kids every five years. Just open the door. You know he's said that a lot in his life. Just open the door. Has been driving around with a revoked license for 32 years. Joe DeRosa! That is right, my friends. Not since 1985 when the monsters of the midway stormed through the NFL

only to have one hiccup against Dan Marino and his pinky ring. That is how long John Wayne Kellerman has been on the loose jerking it like a goose. I love it. Alright, that's the first story down in the books. Let's take a break when we come back. Story number two in Jodorowska. Alright. Okay, guys. Welcome back to the

show. How about that for a break? How about that for a break? We took a break. Where'd you go, for Christ's sake? We are back. Maybe you masturbated in your car with Vaseline. I don't know. Maybe you did. Joe DeRosa, tell us about Emotional Hangs, man.

It's a great podcast. We got a chance to do it. You and Kurt Braunohler, really good stuff. Thank you. Yeah, Kurt Braunohler and I are both stand-up comedians, and we befriended one another in our 30s, our late 30s, and we just kind of realized, like, there aren't a lot of... You don't have friendships after you turn 19.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You think you have friendships. They're not your friends. It's bullshit. They're work friends. Because once you hit, like, 20, 21, you start going, well, this is who I am, and fuck it,

I'm just going to hang out with people that think exactly like me. That's right. So we were like, what if we explored friendship the way in our late 30s, the way you do when you're like 12, where you're like, you know, this kind of hurt my feelings, man, when you said this and whatever. And that's how the podcast was born, and we've been exploring our friendship ever since. And I've become the godfather of his daughter since we started. Wow. Look at that.

Very nice. Emotional. Emotional. Emotional. I love it. It's fun. Yeah, it's fun. So check it out. Listen to Look at that. Emotional. Emotional. I love it. It's fun. Yeah, it's fun. So check it out. Listen to the one that we were on.

It was really fun. Yeah, you guys were, that was one of my favorite ones. I loved it. It was a blast, dude, because you got in between the two of us and you were like, what's wrong with the two of you?

We're like, a lot. A lot. A lot is wrong. Was that your take? No. I didn't feel that we thought anything was wrong with the two of you. I mean, I do deep down.

I don't say it to you. Oh, yeah, of course. No. But I thought that was a wonderful... I really had a great time just kind of picking your brains about how this comedy thing between the two of you developed. Oh, dude, wait for my book. Wait for my book someday.

I've already got the title. It's called They Never Hug, My Time with the Sklar Brothers. That's right. It's going to be called Into Twin Air. It's the story of two people who don't touch each other ever. You guys are so in tune with each other. Like, we were all talking in the green room back there. I felt like I was just talking to one person.

That's right. We're trying to merge into. Well, you were. I wasn't in the green room. Yeah, it was just me. Oh, shit. That was just me. Oh, okay.

That's all right. Hey, guys, just a heads up. While we were recording the second story during the live show, the audio dropped out for a few minutes. These things happen. It was a live show. We didn't have a chance to go back and re-record it. So here it is, almost in its entirety, the second story.

We apologize, but we think you'll still enjoy it. Thanks. Dan, do we have a second story? We do. Let's get into it. You guys ready for our story number two Dan, do we have a second story? We do. Here we go. You guys ready for our story number two? You guys ready for story number two? Sent in by Adam Verbigge?

V-E-R-B-I-G-G. When does that happen? Verbigge? H-E. And then he's like, you know what? My name's confusing enough. I'll just make my handle at stun underscore O capital D. Okay.

All right, very good. Naturally. That cleared up nothing. Here we go. Ready? The first four words will tell you that this story could go anywhere. Okay. A mother in Wisconsin.

No. There you go. Enough said. It's off the rails already. Had sex with the cow that gave her cheese. Or I was just going to say, doesn't give a shit anymore. Right. Is facing, a mother in Wisconsin is facing a felony charge.

And we've already seen this first picture if you're in the room. If you're listening at home, go to the Facebook page. Bring it up as soon as I say it, please, Andrew Youngblood. A mother in Wisconsin is facing a felony charge of recklessly endangering the safety of her children after she allegedly strapped her nine-year-old son to the top of a minivan on top of a plastic pool. This woman put a plastic pool on top of her car. How are we going to get this goddamn pool home? Throw it on top.

God damn it, Amber. It's the same shit with you every week. I told you we can't get this goddamn pool home. Jackson, Jackson, will you listen to me for a minute? Good God, Jackson. Kid's smoking for sure. Get up on the pool, Jackson. Everything Jackson said Kid smoking for sure. Get up on the pool, Jackson. Everything Jackson said is on the XL.

Are we going to get this fucking pool hooked? We get Braylon up on it and let him just sit up there. Braylon weighs enough that he can hold it down. I'm going to be honest right now, this fucking shit looks like you think I'm going to ride that bitch all the way to her house. And the first time I rode a pool. I rode a pool again. And the first time I rode a pool. This is definitely a type

of family that has tried to fabricate and manufacture a video for America's Funniest Home Video. They're like, hey Braylon, you get your sister in that box. It doesn't look funny unless she's coming out of that box. That's right. I feel like Jackson before, Braylon, you get your sister in that box. It doesn't look funny unless she's coming out of that box. That's right. I feel like Jackson, before he answers any question,

just fucking packs his chew. Yeah, yeah. All right, Amber. And literally saying under his breath, going to tell me about it. Goddamn, bro. As he's doing it, climb my fucking ass up here. Fuck you, bro. As he's doing it. Just talk to me, man. Climb my fucking ass up here. Fuck you, Amber.

I'm getting an extra hour of screen time tonight, bitch. All right. She allegedly told Thori she had picked it up at another house but didn't have enough room inside the minivan. She allegedly said, quote, she decided to put the pool on top of the minivan, but had no way to strap it down. So being a MacGyver of sorts, she told her child to climb onto the roof and hold it down while she drove. Oh, so to put him in the pool and let it slide around.

Mom, do you care if I die or not? Do you want a pool? Yeah. Let me ask you, answer your question with a question. I mean, like, in this day and age, if your kid isn't, like, in a five-point harness, like Child Protective Services comes and picks you up. Right.

If your fucking kid is holding a pool down on the top, I swear to God, in this day and age, people are like, he needs a booster seat. You're like, booster seat? He's 16. He's driving the car. Why does he need a booster seat? So literally, this is going flying in the face of all that.

Jesus. Police said Schmunk told them she thought her actions were, quote, okay. Here's why. I'm not making this up. She thought her actions were, quote, okay since, quote, her dad let her do things like that back in the day when she was nine. But hold on. What tone did she say okay? What was the inflection?

Because here's the difference. Here's the difference. You be the cop. I'll be here. Okay, ready? Yeah. Do you think that you were fine with what you did? I thought they were okay.

That's how it reads. But maybe she said it like this. Okay. Do you think what you did was fine? I mean, I thought it was okay. It wasn't a great idea, but it was the best shit I could come up with. Well, look, we all know. Tell me if I'm wrong or right, but just pretend I'm right.

There are so many ways now when you're texting people, the way you say okay. Like if you're like, I'm running late. I swear to God, I'll be there like 10 minutes late, and somebody just writes back, okay. now when you're texting people the way you say okay like if you're like i'm running late i swear to god i'll be there like 10 minutes late and somebody just writes back k like a middle finger it's like fuck you it's like they might as well i hope everyone you love dies don't even come okay k-a-y is kind of like okay we're good all right it's good oh and the letter K is like, I'm not mad yet, but you better fucking be here in ten minutes. You can't push it anymore. This quoted as O

K, just two letters. I thought it was okay. Just like the way she thinks her relationship with her kids is. Yeah, for sure. She's holding out. In my personal opinion, until Maury tells me, I'm not their mom.

She wants a maternity test. She wants a maternity test. I want that vanilla, and she calls it a vanilla envelope. Yes. You're giving him results in that vanilla envelope. And I'll tell you if I'm the mom or not. She added. More rationale.

More rationale from Amber. I don't call these dang things vanilla envelopes when they taste like peppermint. I love that you guys keep... Like, Southern dialects. This is in Wisconsin. I thought my kid was fine up there. I thought he was fine.

This is what we did when I was a kid. I gave him seven cheese sticks and a reason to live. Alright. She added that her son was safe on top of the minivan because, quote, she tied him down with a strap on top of the pool.

Okay. By the way, if you have a strap to tie your son on top of the pool, why not just use a strap to tie the bucket pool down? Yeah, that is a good question. It's like a seatbelt. I'm giving you a seatbelt. Did the officer ask why she didn't just use the strap on the pool

and not put the kid in between the two? It's like the Phil Collins song in the air tonight, when he's like, I was there and saw what you did, and I saw it with my own two eyes. So he saw another guy watch another guy drown. So, Phil Collins, you saw someone drown, too. You were there, too, asshole. You didn't do shit about it.

Save the guy who drowned. So people in... Phil couldn't. Phil couldn't help the guy because he was like, hold on, I got a great idea for a song. Hold on. I'm just writing this down. No, but you remember the rumor about that is, like,

he invited the guy who watched the other person drown to his concert. And then a spotlight comes on him and he sings the song. Yeah. This is the urban myth to be like, fuck you. I saw it. I knew what you did. But what happens if that guy, we always wondered this, if that guy like just went to the bathroom or went out to buy merch. So it just got us thinking.

Like Phil Collins had to have a pretty loose set list with his band that night. Because they're like, we're going into the air tonight. And then he looks down. He's like, he's not there. He's not there. Go into Hello, I Must Be Going. Just something. Go to In Too Deep. Go to In Too Deep.

Go to In Too Deep. Come on. I missed again. Wow, I'm going so deep on Phil Collins. That's all right. I don't think Hello, I Must Be Going is an actual song. I think it's just an album title. Yeah, just play the whole fucking album.

Play the whole album until this guy gets back to the job. Schmunk is due in court November 14th, so that just happened. She might already be in jail. If convicted, she faces up to

five years in prison and five years of extended supervision. How many times has a judge used the word supervision when talking to her? I ask you guys right now.

How old? How old is Amber Schmunk? Here's what we know. Nine-year-old kid. Nine-year-old kid. So she's at least 18. She said her dad used to let her do this.

Back in the day. Yes. She remembers the day. Oh, yeah. She has a minivan. Like, if she were rocking around in a Tiburon, I'd be like, oh, that, you know, that would inform me. A Tiguan? Okay.

Jodorowska, first. I am going to guess that she's a cool 17 years old. Oh! So she had the kid when she was eight? Wait, no, you're right. Sorry. 18, no, 19. 19.

I'm going with 19. She had this kid when she was 10? You can't have a kid when you're 18. Hey, 19. 19. I'm going with 19. She had this kid when she was 10? Hey, man. Did you ever read the People magazine where it's like the youngest parents in the world? There's like 11-year-old people that have kids. All right. 20. 20. 20. All right.

Oh, you know what? Since you went 20, I get it. That sounds reasonable. What are you, a Game of Thrones fan? I'm telling you, they do these stories where they're like, these are the youngest parents on earth. And like some of them, like the kid will be like 11 years old when they have the kid stuff. But dude, that would mean she was like,

my dad used to do this with me back in 2006. Back in the day. Back in the day. Which is a term kids used in 2006. Okay. All right. I'm going to say 22. Okay.

Fair enough. Still absurd. Okay, fair enough. Still absurd. Randy Sklar. You thought 35 years was absurd. I did. I'm going to say she's 31 years old. 31 years old from Randy Sklar. In my fantasy, by the way, I feel like she's dating Stephen Avery while he's in prison.

At least a pen pal. What's Stephen Avery saying to her? At least a pen pal. Yeah, Stephen, what do you think? What do you think about that? If you're going to go get that pool, you've got to strap him down. Amber Schmunk is 28 years old.

Oh! Yes! Right over here. I said 31. I get it. He said 30. Did you say 30? No, right over here. I said 31. I get it. He said 30. Did you say 30? No, right over here. 29, right?

27. You got it right here. That's what I'm talking about. 28. God damn it. I was close. Can we take a look at Amber? Just full of regret.

She should be the next photo. Look at her. Look at, she literally looks like she's about to say the word what. Whatever. She's like in say the word what. Whatever. She's like in an Evanescence cover band. Whatever. She looks like a threading case gone wrong. She definitely be jazzles.

Like you know that about her. You know what? I'll give it to this. She tried. And she still thinks her right eyebrow is too thick. Yeah. Oh, Amber. I could make it thinner if I really wanted to get that.

That's a mom. Look at that. That's a mom. Do you want to know my favorite part of this story? Yeah. She was being followed at one point before the cops got there, so she pulled over the car, took the kid off of the car, then folded

up the pool and put it inside the van. So she could do it. She had to do it in the first place! This woman. I love it. Story two, down in the book. We schmunked it up. Schmunk's angry.

Schmunk, there it is. When we come back, one more story. One more. And we'll take maybe one story from you guys. If anybody has a headline, we want to hear it. We got that. All right, that was segment two of Dumb People Town. How about it, everybody?

How about it? Yes. All right, welcome back from the break, guys. Thanks for staying with us. It's so good to be back. We have one final segment here. Dan, take us home with the story that will make everyone feel good. Sent in by Mallory Duffy at M-I-Z-A-L-S-0-0.

A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a hot dog stand on Tuesday. Hold on. Leslie Nielsen this down for a second. Wait, is this Mr. Amber Schmuck? He shot the wrong dog. He will not be going home when he's released from the hospital.

Well, you can never go home after you do that. Yeah, there's no easy way out. Police say that back when he had a penis... Oh. Yeah, all right. If I'm him, I'm like... that back when he had a penis. Oh. Yeah. All right. If I'm him, I'm like, good aim. Yeah.

That is how you define your life when you shoot yourself in the penis. Like, back when I had a penis and now. Tarion. Those are the two eras of your life. That is a marker. One is Jerry before Seinfeld and one is Jerry after. I mean, I want him to use that as a point of reference

all the time. You remember, Susan, we were hanging out. Was that before or after I had a penis? Oh, it was way before. It was before? Okay.

By the way, I've made a vow to only talk in Guido voice for the rest of this story. Oh, yes. Because we did Southern for the other ones. Okay.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, Johnny. Hey, my dog. Johnny No Dick walking around here. Shoot yourself in the fucking feet. You have to remind me, was that before or after I shot myself in the penis?

I think you were penisless. So it had to be recently. To be honest, everything pre-penis shot is a blur. It's a giant penis-filled blur of a life.

Police say that back when he had a penis, Terry and Pouncey robbed the eatery at gunpoint at about 6 a.m. on Halloween. Oh, come on All bad choices Like even just being in a hot dog place

On Halloween at 6am That's a bad call I have a picture of the hot dog place I thought you were going to say I have a picture of the penis Can we bring it up Andrew Youngblood who's helping us with all our visionary Go back one.

Look at this place. Now go back to Terry and Pouncey. That's the face of a man who just shot off his dick. Look at him. He's like remorseful. He's questioning things in his life decisions. Yeah, no problem. But it kind of feels like there's a weight that's been lifted off his shoulders.

You know what I mean? It's like, I just wasn't right with my penis. You know, I got to be honest. I don't miss my dick. There are days when I go by and I'm like, I feel a little bit better. I feel that a weight has been lifted. Go on to the next one, Andrew. According to reports, Terry and Pouncey pulled the gun and demanded cash from two employees.

The victim, who had been... This is going to come into play later, guys. The victim, who had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter... To who and why? Those are the two questions. Hey, how are these hot dogs cooking? Are they good? Do we need a little more grease? over the counter. To who and why? Those are the two questions. Hey, how are these hot dogs cooking? Are they good?

Do we need a little more grease? Get the grease bucket because we've got to grease up these hot dogs. And there's a guy coming in here. He said he wants to jerk off. Let's grease him up a little bit too. This place isn't called Tony's Greasy Hot Dogs for nothing. God, get the grease bucket.

The victim who'd been passing the bucket over the counter, filled with grease, called for his co-worker to come up front and help hand over the cash from the register. I'm going to say this. Leave other people

who aren't being robbed out of it. That's right. I just invited you into a traumatic situation here. As they pass their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncey, hot dog stand not doing that good. The bucket tipped and bills went flying. So now money is everywhere. Grease is all over the floor.

Still pointing a gun at the workers. Terry and Pouncey stooped over to collect the cash. Shifting the gun in his waistband and he ran out. Apparently, as he hit the door, slipping on the grease, he pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him

in the penis. He was so close. And the assailant's true identity was later revealed to be Roger Rabbit. Which would have been a better ending to that movie. Imagine, though, you're like, yeah, yeah, here's all the money. Here's all the money. Here's all the money.

They take the money. You're being robbed. Everybody now understands their role in this story. Right. He then gets to the door, shoots his dick off, which I imagine made him probably pause for at least a second. Oh, yeah. At that point, are you like, ooh, you okay?

Or are you like, yeah, that's what you get. Like, do you care? Like, are you like, oh. Can you cheer? Do you feel like you have the right to cheer? Yeah, is it like the scene in Pulp Fiction where you're like, ooh, looks like the spider caught a fly. Right?

Or did his dick, like, I imagine I want it to come flying out of the pants, like, you know, and make its own, like, little, like, exit strategy, like flying into the room. Can we grab a couple? Yeah, I would enjoy that. If it flipped through the air, landed on the hot dog roller. Just started. Like, into a bun.

Just into an open bun. Into a bun. And then the guy just goes, lunch is served. One of the restaurant employees, 39, I don't know why that matters. It does not matter. Then began wrestling with Pouncey as he tried to run away. So this dude's like, dick shot, I'm taking this motherfucker down. It's like bullfighting.

They're like, stab him first and then fight the bull. Do you think that Pouncey was like fighting the guy off trying to hold on to money and also be like, dude, time out, time out, time out. Dude, my dick got shot. Hold on, dude. My dick got shot. I ain't got no dick. Surveillance cameras captured video

and audio of the robbery. I wish I had it, guys. Maybe it'll be on the next edition of Faces of Death. I don't know. Surveillance video cameras captured video and audio of the robbery and showed Pouncey struggling to make it across the street, then stopped to sit on a bench. I'm telling you, this guy sat down and was like,

hold on, everybody hold on. Everybody stop. Look, I know we started out with a robbery, but right now we have bigger concerns. Why did the dickless man cross the road? I feel like that's... He then made his way to the steps of a nearby house before collapsing.

Police recovered the wallets pouncey had allegedly stolen from the two men as well as the 38 caliber pistol oh policy's bloodstained boxers matched the underwear he had on in the surveillance video see when he bent over to have to pick it all up they were like oh those are penguin boxers i don't know which clearly showed the pattern and fabric when the teen oh he's a teen dude don't do. Which clearly showed the pattern and fabric when the teen, oh, he's a teen, dude, don't do this, over to collect the money. Well, you know what? This is a marker in his life for turning things around. I'm going to ask you guys right now, whose home state did this happen in?

Now, mine would be Illinois. Yep. The Sklars, Missouri. Joe DeRosa, Pennsylvania. Uh-huh. Okay, Joe, did this happen in your home state of Pennsylvania on Halloween? Did it happen in Missouri, or did it happen

in Illinois? You know what? I would happily vote for Pennsylvania, because it's a real trash state. So I would not be surprised if something like this happened. That's who you're going with? Yeah, I'll shit on my own state. I think this is Missouri all the way. Yes? This is Missouri. I would not be surprised if something like this happened. That's who you're going with? Yeah, I'll shit on my own state. Okay.

I think this is Missouri all the way. Yes? This is Missouri. Yeah, just can we stop all this black-on-black crime? I know. He did it. Yes. Thank you for having the guts to say it.

I mean, I didn't want to have to be the one to say it, but... Black penises matter. Black tips matter. All right. I would like two guesses from the audience. Does anybody out there want to make a guess? Who has not? Let's go right back here.

Hit me. You had your hand up. Okay, fine. I'll move on. You don't want to be my friend. Tina? All right, do it. Illinois. All right. Man in the back right here. Dustin, Illinois. All right. This man right here with the, do it. Illinois. All right, man in the back right here. Dustin, Illinois. All right, this man right here with the hat waving it. Texas.

Not even a choice. Not an option. Not an option. And yet I feel like he's right. I will say to that, welcome to dumb people. We'll accept that. We'll accept that. All right, here we go. This happened in... By the way, if Texas wins, I'm going to fucking walk off this stage.

I'm going to shoot my dick off. The state of... Illinois. Oh! Illinois! Wow. Illinois. Very nice.

I'm not happy about it, but I'm happy about that guy. When someone shoots their dick, you tackle their ass. That's right. What was the caliber of pistol? 38. Is that a legit gun? I just kind of want to get an idea of what that would be like. That's enough to be like, oh, something bit me.

But your dick would still be there after? Whoever keeps yelling, I'll give you a mic if I want you to be a part of this show. No, but she said yes like she shot a lot of dicks off before. It's still there. There's a little flap of skin from the head.

You can see where the bullet goes through the dick. The six dicks I shot before. A 38 does nothing to a penis. Now you said a.44, sure. A.38, very good for robbing a place. Not good if you're trying to shoot a dick clean off.

Right? I'm really asking, I'm not trying to be gross. What would the damage to his dick actually be from a.38? It depends on where it hits, man. Welcome back to Dick Talk. I don't know that. I mean, it depends on where it hits, man. Welcome back to dick talk. You would, I mean, yeah, it would fuck you up.

You probably wouldn't lose your dick. Your dick would hurt real bad. You're not going to go into porn, or maybe you will. I don't know. Specialty porn. You wouldn't lose your dick, but you're in bad shape. Yeah, well, obviously. A BB, you'd be in bad shape. A paint gun, for Christ's sake, you'd be in bad shape. You're in bad shape. Yeah, well, obviously. Any BB, you'd be in bad shape.

A paint gun, for Christ's sake, you'd be in bad shape. Oh, my God. You took a paint gun to the dick. You're not coming back. No. No. And I, yeah, paint guns hurt.

You've done that? You've taken a paint gun to the dick? Not on purpose, but yeah. They hurt. Have you ever played paintball? Yes. It fucking hurts. You get, like, welts and shit.

Terrible. It's not. All right, do we have one story? Let's see. Does anybody out there, did anyone bring a story with them that they want to contribute to Dumb People Town? I see one gentleman right here. Get up on that mic. Get up on that mic, sir. Thank you. Nice. Okay, Townie.

Tell me your name. Alex. Alex, what's your Twitter handle? GoKartMozart47. GoKartMozart47. All right. GoKartMozart47. The other 46 were taken. I get it. I get it.

That's an awesome shirt. That's it. We Smote from us. Diane Weese. She went all We Smote. There you go. Is that from this show? Yeah.

We created it. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, can I have one of those? Yes, you can. Jesus. All right. Let him read the story.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Get up on it. In honor of the shirts, we have a man accused of cutting window screens, person's hands, and post bail. Let's see. You have more than one story. No, no, just one story. Okay.

I have a picture if anybody wants to take a look. Oh, nice. Wait, say that. Read that headline to me again. Man accused of cutting window screens, person's hands, post-bail gets released. So he cut screens to windows and a person's hands. Yes.

And the person who wrote the story decided to put screens over hands. Yes. When clearly man who cut other person's hands is the fucking headline. I mean, to be fair, when your screen gets cut, you never get around to fixing it. You'll never get over that.

That is a whole day project. Guys, we need all hands on deck for this headline. And... Sorry. All right, let's hear it. Let's hear the story. Yeah, read a little bit. All right. From not that it. Let's hear the story. Yeah, read a little bit of it.

From not that far from Rochelle in Sycamore, Illinois. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. A DeKalb man accused of slashing the window screens of his suburban apartment's neighbor with a sword and cutting a person's hand. A sword. A sword. A sword. He bought a sword to a screen fight.

Yeah. A sword. A sword. A sword. He bought a sword to a screen fight. And cutting a person's hands in the process posted $5,000 bail. It was released Monday morning. How mad are you at the screen? By the way, and this doesn't seem like a guy who's a threat to anything.

Also, if your screen's getting cut by someone with a sword, two things. Don't go out there, and don't go out there hands first. Joseph R. Creamswriter. Shut up! K-R-

E-M-S-R-E-I-T-E Creamswriter. Creamswriter. I know Rider? Creams Rider. I know Creams Rider. Gonna miss me when I'm gone, gone, gone. Age 48 from the 1400 block of Twombly Road in DeKalb. Oh, Twombly. Twombly.

You guys, off mic, I'll tell you things I did on Twombly Road. I know that road. Jesus. 48 years old, so old enough to know better, but not old enough to be senile to have that excuse. Twombly Road will take you all the way from Sycamore to the fucking pride of the Midwest, Rochelle, Illinois. Hub City.

Hub City, baby. If you're 48 and you have a sword and you're cutting people's hands, you got to eventually tell your grandkids about that. Right. I also hope at the end of this, you make us guess the age and whose home state it happened in. All right. He's charged with aggravated battery, use of a deadly weapon, criminal trespass to property and criminal damage to property. If convicted of the most serious charge,

he could face two to five years in prison. You do not want to go to prison with the last name Creams Rider. You want to go to prison and earn the name Creams Rider. Yeah, from the Aryan Nation. Oh, God. That was good.

I like that. How is this less of a penalty than the pool thing? I know. This sounds worse to me. The pool one? That lady's facing five years. This guy's chopping into people's screens. Police said in court records that at about 1230 a.m. Saturday,

four adults and an infant were in Creams Riders' next-door neighbor's apartment. An infant. Infant. Yep. When he walked in, pushed out the front door, and then, or was pushed out the front door, and then banged on the door until a man opened it, and he pushed past him and was again removed.

Don't answer the door. At 12.30 a.m. Well, who could that be? Records show he went back to his apartment, fetched a sword, and used it to cut two window screens. Hey, go fetch that sword for me over there. I'm going to tell you right now,

I live by this. Every person with a sword is waiting for the day to use it. No one buys a sword to keep it on the mantle. By the way, you just said I live by this in reference to a sword, and you didn't say I live by the sword. Oh, you're right. I live by this sword.

I screen by this sword. Yeah. Cut two window screens leading into a bathroom, and that when a man tried to close the glass window, he was cut on both of his hands requiring medical attention at a hospital. I hope that means he literally tried to do some sort of fucking Highlander shit and grabbed the sword with his bare hands. Between two hands.

Oh my God, dude. I love this story. He tried to grab the sword with two hands, but first he's like, hold this infant. I just want to do this. You have beseeched the house creams writer. beseech the house creams writer. On Saturday morning, Judge Philip Montgomery ordered

bond to be set at... Let's see. What is it? I couldn't hear you. Trombley Street? Oh, the bond. How much money? Five grand. Oh, five grand. That was what bail was.

Bond was set at... $50,000. A bond was set at? $500? $50. 10%, so $50,000. $50,000. You know what, man? I'm not good at fucking numbers. I'm sorry, Dan.

I mean, okay. And if that creams writer posted $5,000 bail to be released, he may not have any contact with the neighbor. Well, that's going to be hard. I'm sure he'll listen to that. He seems like a reasonable guy. Any guy with a sword who likes to bang on doors and break out bathroom windows definitely understands guidelines for life.

Anybody who doesn't mind doing sword play in front of an infant, I'm sure will listen to rules. Creams writers do back in court at 9 a.m. December 15th. He'll be late. He'll be there, yeah. Dude, thank you so much for wishing us good luck. Yeah, that was great. We love our townies.

Texas Ryan Sickler, I love it. Yes. All right, gentlemen, I think that's it for us. Yeah, so first of all, we have merch, by the way. We want to let you guys know. It's the first time we're ever doing this. We have merch. We'll be out in the lobby.

Yep, out there in the front. If you want to come say hi to us or you want to buy, look at these shirts we made for you guys. Dan and Randy and Jason and dumb and people in town. Say it, Rand. Swords and snakes and flotto and dumb and people in town. Hey, you guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. We're the Sklar Brothers. Thank you. We've got to get back to work. Serial Audio Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.