Dumb People Town - Joel Stein - Fun Time Frankie

Episode Date: November 26, 2019

Joel Stein visits town to hear about a woman who hides in an attempt to rob a Big Lots. In story 2, a woman refused to get off of a plane. In story 3, a festival goer forgets where he parked his car.��

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunker Down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population you. Population Stein. Joel Stein. What is up, brother? Welcome to the show, dude. Welcome to the show. Welcome Town. Population you. Population Stein. Joel Stein. What is up, brother? Welcome to the show, dude. Welcome to the show. Welcome to town. Thank you. I'm excited to be... Can I call myself a townie now? Yeah, you do. Already? You're sweet. Well, I think this... And we'll get to your new book out in the second segment

because I want everyone to read it because it's very much in... It's in the me-you of what we're talking about. It's exactly what you're doing here. So, I mean, the world is getting dumber, and I'm sure you've explored this in the book, but how do we fight back? We've got to fight back through comedy. That's why I wrote a funny book about politics. Like, any other time in our history, I would have been writing a dumb book about, like, Florida man, like this stuff, or my family, or whatever a humor writer is supposed to write.

But instead, I had to write about politics. So the beauty of, one of the things I love about this show as well is that, like, you know, the dumb is kind of crosses a red, blue, it goes everywhere. Oh, yeah. There's dumb on all sides. There's dumb on all sides. And it's funny that both sides think the other side is dumb. Like, you're dumb for being so aware of the rainforest in the amazon and there's nothing

you can do about and you're dumb for eating a tide pod you know what i mean it kind of goes yeah and that's kind of a lame default mode that people get into without exploring the other side and it's it's just tribal and that's what i'm fighting against right in the book so the beauty of this show is that we get great stories sent to us by our wonderful dumb boots on the ground and i'm so excited that we have a chance to get into a story with joel who again we met you through kind of all of those vh1 the amazing vh1 shows back in the day because we all did them i didn't get to meet anyone though they would just bring you in this room and you'd leave and then you people just knew about you we were aware of you you were so freaking good on those shows and and one of the

people who in my opinion took those shows people still today come to our stand-up shows and like i loved you on vh1 oh yeah like the early 2000s we were like we love doing it too uh but you were one of those people who really emerged from that kind of that that thing was a great good launch for you it was weird because I was working at Time Magazine and I happened to be creating this failed animated show for VH1. So I had an office at VH1. I had two offices. They're like, come on down and tell us about the 100 hottest beach bodies.

And it was like you were working at Time Magazine, so you were going on CNN or Fox all the time. So it just seemed like another one of those. And then suddenly, you know. You got to be funny. You got to be funny. You got to be funny. Well, you got to be funny, and people actually remembered it.

Right. Right. You jumped into a little bit of a gesture. You were memorable in that. Well, I'm glad we have you here. We're going to sort of take your fantastic lens and put it to the dumb story that we're about to read. Do you want to read that one?

Yeah, I do. It was sent in by Joseph Gacione. Nice. Hey, Gacione. I got a Gacchione. Joseph spells his last name G-A-C-C-I-O-N-E. That's Gacchione. Gacchione.

But his handle is at G-A-S-H. Oh. Gash. Gash. Gash. Gacchione. E-O-W-N-E. Gacchione.

Gacchione. Gacchione. Gacchione. Gacch. Gashione? Gashione. Gashione. Let's go with Joe. That's what, yeah. If you're driving a Fiat in the Amalfi Coast and you run low and you're like, God, I just, I hope I can get some Gashione.

There you go. There you go. You know what? It took us a while to get there in that Fiat. Just like the Fiat. Hey, just like the Fiat. It's going to take a while. It's a very windy road. Just like the Fiat. It's going to take a while. You have to back up when a bus comes around the turn.

A woman in Florida. Which is probably her letting them know I'm not a Florida woman. I was just a woman caught in Florida. Randy has been a man in Florida many times. I've been a man in Florida. You've been a man in Florida a lot. You're about to be a man in Florida.

You're going to be a man in Florida? I will not be a Florida man. But you'll be a man in Florida. A man in florida you're about to be one in a few hours exactly you're gonna be a man in florida you will not be a florida man but you're absolutely not a man in florida a man in florida a man in florida has been arrested a woman in florida has been arrested following a daring attempt to evade capture for allegedly shoplifting by hiding in the store's ceiling for several hours that's very oceans 11 i. I see nothing dumb about this at all so far. I'm going to rappel down. This is the whole plot of Sausage Park.

When was the last time... It's like the Breakfast Club. When was the last time you tried to climb up into a ceiling? Into? I had to. When we were in the cabin, Vance fell through it. Really? Yeah. Fell through the roof of the cabin?

Yes. He's got a cabin up in Wisconsin, and your brother fell through the thing. He fell through it. Damn. Has that been a segment on this show? No, but that should be a story. I replaced the light bulb in our, and I had to climb up a ladder to replace the light bulb. I love when Jews brag about home building.

Right. It was one of my favorite jokes in The Decline of Western Civilization, which I'm sure you saw that movie, the movie about the punk music scene

in LA in 1979 and 80. Great thing. But this band, Fear, incredible. They're on stage and they're just antagonizing the audience and the bass guitarist

is like, how many punk rock fans does it take to change a light bulb? And they're just kind of spinning on them and everything guitarist is like, how many punk rock fans does it take to change a light bulb? And they're just kind of spitting on them and everything. And they're like, 20. Two to change the light bulb and 18 on the guest list. I was like, that's a great joke.

That's a great joke. So I'm changing it and I'm up on the ladder. And it was nervy. It was nerve wracking. So I can't even imagine this woman going into the freaking ceiling. All I can think about are my knees. That would hurt my knees. Christina Perkins.

This is probably a woman who's been on her knees before. Oh, come on. Just because she's in Florida? She's comfortable with it. Christina Perkins. I love anyone named after a diner. A chain of restaurants. A place where Tiger Woods gets laid.

There we go. Wait, what? He had sex in the parking lot. Sex with a Perkins waitress. In the parking lot. Many times. In a church gets laid. There we go. Wait, what? He had sex in the parking lot. Sex with a Perkins waitress. In the parking lot. Many times. In a church parking lot. It was like their thing, right?

I thought it was in a church parking lot. That's a one-upper. Wow. Christina Perkins. As he was having sex with the woman from Perkins, do you think there was a gallery of people around the car yelling, get in the hole? No, but I think when he was done, he was like, I'll just take the check. Yeah.

Christina Perkins of North Fort Myers. So she is a Florida woman, but now you know that was done, he was like, I'll just take the check. Christina Perkins of North Fort Myers. So she is a Florida woman, but now you know she's specifically letting them know. North. Fort Myers? That's where I fly in to go to my wife's stepdad's place. Yeah. Fort Myers. Christina Perkins.

RSW. Of North Fort Myers was arrested after police were called to the Big Lots store on Thursday, October 3rd. This feels on par for Big Lots. Does Big Lots have an exclamation point at the end of it? It does. And do we know why? I don't know, but they're like, we need punctuation in this title. Other than Yahoo and Big Lots, has anyone ever tried that?

I think there should be more punctuation. It should be like Whole Foods question mark. So Big Lots with the exclamation point, it's not saying it's a big lot of space. They've just combined two sentiments. Like, we're big and we have lots of things. Lots of stuff. Big Lots. Or all their stores are basically built on Big Lots.

I assumed they buy large lots of things like Costco or a pallet of cereal. And that's why they're able to give you such amazing deals that require an exclamation point. To me, big lots with the exclamation point is the end of an argument where someone isn't listening to you. Where is she? Where are we going? Big lots! Big lots! I can't hear what you're saying.

Big lots! I don't know what he's saying. Deputies from the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office said they were called to the scene at around 7.31pm so what does that mean? a lot of day drinking after the manager reported a female shoplifter the suspect had allegedly been in the store

for several hours and had gone into the woman's restroom with a shopping cart full of items anytime you take the shopping cart into the bathroom that's an amateur move cart full of items. So anytime you take the shopping cart into the bathroom, that's like a tricky way. That's an amateur move. Corner, I just need,

there's a lot of pivoting. If you're in the bathroom and someone comes in with a cart, get out. That shouldn't be in here. Store is closed for you. It's time to go. That's not an impulse decision. You've come to Big Lots to steal, right?

It's a plan, essentially. But it's a weird choice of where to go. This is Ocean's 11 light. It is. When the manager attempted to enter the restroom to check in on Perkins, that's been said a lot. Everything okay. Yeah.

Just checking in on you, man. What are you doing today? I'm going to go check in on Perkins. This is Ocean's.11. a lot in her life. Just checking in on you, ma'am. What are you doing today? I'm going to go check in on Perkins. This is Oceans.11. Several garbage cans were found to be in place blocking the door. How many garbage cans do they have in the bathroom? Where did she bring those in the cart?

She brought them in. That's what she had in the cart. She Trojan horsed her own blockade. I like everything she's done so far except her choice of where to steal from. Big lots. Where was she stealing from i can't hear what he said the manager told perkins that authorities were on the way which you had been informed and were on their way which you know was through a door perkins

like through the crack like he can get it a little bit a little bit they're coming in that happened to me yesterday i had a package dropped off, and there's kind of like a little rod iron railing. And they put the package too close to my door, leaning against the bars and the railing. So when I went to open it- You threw it over the side. No. You were trapped in by Amazon? Yes.

So I couldn't get- It wouldn't open all the way. Now, luckily, it opened far enough, and the box was small enough. I could just reach out and push the box. But if were a weaker man or if it was of large yeah you there would have been no way because you would order two of them what if you had ordered two of them yeah i know if you were an 89 year old woman who like forget it you're in your apartment for the next several years maybe just a tip if your job is leaving packages places don't try to barricade the person into their don't stick it

up under the doorknob yeah like wedge it between like a like a wrought iron pole and the door do you think that the this woman uh perkins put the trash can like lodged it under the door that's what i was several makes me think yeah very haphaz. I want to watch a reality show about people trapped in their homes from Amazon packages. Just reenacted. Trapped in cabinets. There's a story

of somebody who got trapped in a hotel room bathroom. Like, where the closet was, the door had, like, come open

and then the bathroom door couldn't open. Oh, because they, like, connected. It was, like,

bad design. Yes. And they just, like, were stuck. Who's going to come check on you? I got trapped in a bathroom in a restaurant in New York City called Palio. Palio?

Yeah, in Midtown. And I was in the middle of an interview with the editor of Entertainment Weekly, and there was a decent amount of drinking. And the bathroom downstairs, and we'd stayed a long time, so there was nobody else in the restaurant. You're freaking out. Pre-cell phone. Oh, God. There's no... What can you do? Sweating. So right. You're freaking out. Pre-cell phone. Oh God. There's no, what can you do?

Sweating. Right. So right. Yeah, you're done. Between the alcohol and the interview and the being trapped in the bathroom and knowing what people were thinking of me and pounding on the door.

Where is he? Is he taking a massive dump? Jay, what was the bar? And I bet you went there too in New York where the bathroom. No, where's the- Oh, the lights changed? Yeah.

Kitchen 21 or something? I said kitchen. Kitchen 21 down said kitchen Kitchen 21 Down on Mercer Street Oh that was the best So you go into the bathroom You can look into the bathroom From the bar and see in

But if you turn the lock It frosts It frosts up the glass So but there is a moment Where you gotta trust the frost Yes You gotta trust the frost Because you can't see it

From your side Right No you can't tell You can't tell You can see out From your side I don't have that I know my limit It's too much trust As don't have that. I know my limit.

That's too much trust. As the Sklar brothers know, I know my limit. Well, you're right, because it didn't take off. That was the only place I've ever been to. It was the coolest thing. So people must be very uncomfortable. It was cool, but there was anxiety every time you had to pee. I bet people were having sex in there.

Because how exciting. Because you're not sure. You're like, you get your voyeuristic. Who knows? We see them, they don't see us us so this gal goes in the roof manager told perkins authorities had been informed and were on their way when the suspect still did not emerge from the bathroom the manager forced their way in and noticed several ceiling tiles were missing and perkins was nowhere to be seen she didn't replace them i hope he just walked in and went, ta-da. She disappeared.

When police arrived at the scene, they were able to make visual contact with Perkins while she was... I love this. I should not gloss it. When police arrived at the scene, they were able to make visual contact with Perkins while she was in the ceiling by removing certain tiles. So they're taking tiles off and being like, we see you. They're taking tiles off. Christina. Christina, turn around.

She's ducking down like your kid when they play hide and seek. Or a raccoon that's in your garbage and you look at it and it looks at you for a long time. Or she's a possum. She's like. And her eyes are just. Obviously, she doesn't have the items with her. She's abandoned that entire plant. Unless she's wearing them.

She's wearing them. However, she refused commands to give up and come down and continued to move around the ceiling space to try to open... So she's like running around up there. So you can't see me now. Or the political stalemate of... I'm not...

You just... We're in a stalemate now. You have your thing that you need to get me down. I'm not coming down. It's a police car chase. Right. It is. Someone's got to run out of gas. This does not seem like the right way to start a sentence, but you might have judged.

As well as multiple deputies from the police department, officials from the Charlotte County Fire Department fire department and charlotte county facilities assisted with the operation which involved using ladders and thermal imaging systems that is a terrible sentence that's thermal imaging systems and that sentence are both overkill yeah thermal imaging is like we we took out the tile we know she's over there above the produce this is a police department with too big of a budget, and they're like, we need to- Have we used this thing? That's exactly right. Right.

Ever since 9-11, the cops are getting tanks and- Thermal imaging. Heat-seeking- Local police department. What are we getting that for, Rob? Well, terrorists. Flash forward. Rob is standing there, what did I say?

We'd use this. On Perkins? There's a told you. It's like really orange in this area on his screen. Told ya. Told ya. It works. It pays for itself.

Well, we used it once in 18 years, and we're getting Christina Perkins down from a ceiling And we saw her from removing the tile anyway, but told ya. Told ya. I'm going to ask you guys, before we go much further, how long do you think Christina Perkins was in the ceiling? This could be a

children's question. Joel, you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, or third. You want to go first, second, or third? Tig is in the middle. Yeah, whatever you want. I go third. Okay. Jay, what do you think? I think she was in there for nine hours. Nine hours from Jason Sklar, Randy Sklar. I think she was in there for like an hour and 20 minutes. Okay, an hour and 20 minutes. I think you wouldn't be asking this question unless it's an outrageous number.

So I'm going to go with seven. Seven hours. Seven hours, nine hours, and an hour 20. One of you is one hour off. Wow. So do you want to play the game of who we think is one hour? We can just throw out your alternate if you want. 220. I'll go down to off. Wow. So do you want to play the game of who we think is one hour? We can just throw out your alternate if you... Fine.

Anybody want to... 220. I'll go down to six. Okay. I'll go to eight. Okay. Christina Perkins, as we're about almost done with this story. Christina Perkins, just so everybody knows,

play along wherever you're at, Townies, because she was up with those ceiling tiles and thermal imaging spotting her for a total of six hours. Wow! Nicely done, Joel Stein. Well done. We should call this segment Win Joel Stein's Money. When Big Lots was evacuated due to the danger of Perkins falling through the ceiling,

you know where she is. You've got to clear everyone up. Everybody out. And you know there's a woman with just what is it potpourri potpourri potpourri who's just standing like i need this i need ma'am ma'am she's right above you deserve this if she falls through you can sue can i at least get these cinnamon scented no ma'am you gotta leave look i'll pay for them now i'll leave but i get to take a hand towel no you cannot let cannot. Let her take it, David.

No, you cannot. Can I just write a check for the... No, you cannot. Can I post date it? No. We didn't say you could do it. I'll self-checkout. No, ma'am.

We don't even have self-checkout. We have big lots. I just am not... My guess is that the big lots have old-timey cash registers where they only have cash. Yes. Ching. So they kick everybody out due to the danger of Perkins falling through the ceiling. The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office said in a statement,

Over the course of several hours, a systematic search of the ceiling was completed. During the search, the suspect's bag was located. Inside, officers found drug paraphernalia. The search eventually ended around 1220 a.m. Oh, God. The search ended. Six hours. Six hours.

Seven to 1220, yeah. Right. But one deputy remained at the scene for surveillance. Around an hour and 20 minutes later. She came back in. Perkins eventually exited the ceiling and climbed down to a stack of shelves. That means they gave up.

They knew she was up there and everyone left except one guy who was like, I'll just sit here. We'll smoke her out. I'll sit here. I need the OT. Yeah, I'll smoke her out. I need the OT. Can that be considered a stakeout? Yes, for sure. For sure. He's probably eating steakums from the corner.

That's a steakum app. You guys know a lot. Have any of you been to a Big Lots? Yes. Okay. I've never been. I bought frames there once. Yeah, there's one right over here on Western.

Oh, maybe I have been to one. There's one in Venice, too. Yes. I think I've been to that one. What is it? You're making it like a home goods? What's it like? It's a grocery store, but then they have some notions. It's like a home goods What's it like? It's a

Grocery store But then they have some notions It's like a 99 cent store? I don't know No no no It's not a grocery store Yeah they have Food

They have some food They do have some grocery items Food yeah Nothing really perishable Yeah I'm definitely showing My elitism right now That's okay

We'll get you into Big Lutz We'll get you into it We'll get you into Big Lutz Yeah Around Christmas time They have a lot of like It's like an all in one Hot cocoa gift set Christmas time, they have a lot of like, it's like an all-in-one hot cocoa gift set. Oh, I like those.

Like a lot of like that stuff. They have those. It's like a lot of mugs. Mm-hmm. It's like a step up from a 99 cent. Does everyone else have like way too many mugs in your house? They're free now.

Mugs, pens, never paid for any of them. I'm like- T-shirts, hats, umbrellas. We have 8,000 mugs, and we use three of them. My wife is now making mugs as per the demo. Tell her to stop. Tell her to stop. We have 8,000 mugs, and we use three of them. My wife is now making mugs as per the demo. Tell her to stop. Tell her to stop.

I can't. We have enough mugs in this world. She goes, there's a pottery wheel. No, no. Start when you guys do. Tell her to do something else. What do we got to take to this thing? And Amy's like, I don't know, just grab a bottle of wine.

Grab a mug. Grab a mug and be like, here you go. Drink it in this. Drink it like, you know. Yeah, drink it like you're divorced. There you go. What? Wine out of a mug?

Wine in a mug? Wine out of a mug? Things aren't going well. If you give wine at a dinner party and then you also give them a mug, you're essentially If you have alcohol in something that you're wearing a robe while you're holding it, you're an alcoholic. With the exception of a solo cup, if you're drinking alcohol out of something you can't see through, you are an alcoholic.

You're very young. You should be able to see the wine. Very old. Yes. You should be can't see through. You are an alcoholic. You should be able to see the wine. Very old. Yes. You should be able to see the wine. And the whiskey. That includes pouring wine into a soda can. If you are drinking wine in a travel cup, you need to stop.

At one family reunion, I poured whiskey into my mom's cousin's Hawaiian punch can. If you're pouring alcohol into a Gatorade water bottle. You're going to a Cubs game. Yeah, that's right. Probably. And you're an alcoholic. Is this the first story down? We're about to. Okay, so everybody leaves.

An hour and 20 minutes later, she waited him out. She tried. She climbed down through a stack of shelves. And when he saw her, six more weeks of winter. Did you know that? Yeah. With the thermal imaging. Perkins was later charged with felony criminal mischief,

petty theft, paraphernalia, resisting a merchant. What? I don't think I've ever. What does that even mean? Is that all the time? You do it all the time. And resisting law enforcement without violence. Resisting a merchant.

That's the first time I've ever heard that. Ever. And we've done a lot of stories. I didn't know mischief was a criminal mischief. Oh, criminal mischief. Really? Okay, because it makes it seem fun. It's fun.

It does. It's just lighthearted. I think it means no weapon. The Big Lots store sustained significant damage during the standoff. Mostly from the cops. They're taking out tiles. During the standoff, to their ceiling, duct work and drywall, the store will remain closed until the damage has been fully repaired.

She should have to pay for it. Is there anywhere we can send money? We'll get out of here on this. How old do you guys think Christina Perkins is? This will be our final part of this story. And again, you can guess first. Go anywhere you want. I'll go third again.

Third again. Okay, Jay. Yeah, it was a winning formula for him. I think she's 37. Okay. All right. Yeah. Randy?

I don't know. I think she's 48. 48? She's like our age. Okay. I'll go 35. 35. One of you is exactly right.

Oh! So now we get to play the game of who do you think is exactly right. You said what? 37? You said 35? Okay. I said 48. I'm right.

I know I'm right. Joel? I think I'm right. Yeah, I think I'm right too. Okay. As we end story one, I will tell you that Christina Pye Perkins is, play along townies and hang tight as we go to the break,

37 years old. Nice. Nice. Look at him. Look at him. All right, one story down in the books. When we come back, we're going to talk about Joel Stein's fantastic new book.

This is Dumb People Town, and you're not going anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound This is Dumb People Town, and you're not going anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. That's Dumb People Town. I want to remind people, hey, we are going to be – is this up before?

Yeah. The live show? Maybe. I don't think so but if so if if you are around and this goes up and you are around and we can uh do this yeah i think it might be uh december 2nd we're doing a live dumb people town at largo with weirdo yankovic aisha tyler could not do she had to go to new york so we got dimitri martin's gonna take her place which again we'll have her come to a live one for sure. Demetri's amazing. And then Dave Longstreth,

the lead singer of Dirty Projectors, is going to be playing music. Wow! Fantastic show. That one will probably sell out. And then just announced, just announced, you guys, we're doing it on January 17th. We tried to make this thing work and we finally figured out, because we love Sketchfest so much, we're doing

a live Dumb People Town in San Francisco on Friday, January 17th at the Marine Memorial Theater, right? Is it the Marine Memorial Theater? It's a big theater, guys. Let's fill this bitch. Let's do it. I'd take even just 450 people of you

in San Francisco, come see us. That's January 17th, live Dumb People Town. Guest TBD. We'll get a good guest because there'll be Sketchfest people up there. But I cannot wait to do that show there. So get your tickets for that. Marine Memorial Theater on the 17th.

And then if you're Patreon fans, you can pick up the new tickets for the pre-tickets, pre-sale tickets for Seattle at Washington Hall on June. I think the first one is the Rio Theater in Vancouver on the 19th, and then Seattle on the 20th, and then on the 21st is the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon. Also on sale, Minneapolis. Minneapolis at the Cedar Room,

and this is in March, and then St. Louis at Del Mar Hall, and then Milwaukee at Turner Hall. On the 21st of March. Those are all great shows, and we're going to see them. If you go to the Facebook page, all the links for the available tickets are up there right now with the dates and the venues and the cities. These are going to be epic, epic, epic shows. We just love being on the road with that.

All right, Joel, let's talk about your book. I will be at all those shows. Great. I love it. Great. So you got a new book. Aisha Tyler blurbed my book. Did she really?

That's awesome. I love her. She's a friend of the, friend, longtime friend, carte blanche friend of the show. So talk about the book because it is very much in.

Yeah, it's called In Defense of Elitism. I'm already on board. Why I'm Better Than You and You're Better Than Someone Who Didn't Buy This Book and How I've Never Been to Big Lots. Yeah.

Big Lots is not even mentioned in the entire book. I cannot believe that. Hopefully so. It Lots is not even mentioned in the entire book. I cannot believe that. Yeah, hopefully so. It's like you went into the ceiling of thought. No, it's just me being, it starts with me showing up for a party on election night holding a bottle of Donald Trump's sparkling wine,

the Trump Blanc de Blanc from Virginia, and thinking we're going to toast him with his sad attempt to become a member of the elite through this wine. And then boom. And fail. And then boom. And fail. And then it didn't work out that way.

Sure. And it's just me being freaked out about people dumping on expertise in this country. I think that is such an important thing because it is a huge component, in my opinion, to why the world's getting dumber. Right. Why we have turned people who are good at what they do who are experts into the enemy yes yeah why well you know i think fucking bullshit one thing people like about authoritarians and dislike about democracy is that the authoritarians are great simplifiers right they they have a uh there's a bad guy there's a good guy yeah and they have a message messaging is everything. There's a good guy. Yeah. And they have a message. Messaging is everything.

It's all action, activity and confrontation. And I mean, even look, we're all guilty of it. Sometimes we'd go on web MD, not me, other people really go on web MD and then look something up and then argue with

their doctor's prognosis. Right. If they know just like, you know, you went to medical school, you study this more than it. Yeah. And by the way,

that's not to say that experts can't get it wrong once in a while. No, not at all. But if you like... So in the book, I call that the meteorologist fallacy, which is that the weather person told you it was going to rain, even though they gave you a percentage sign, and it didn't rain. And you're like, I'm never listening to a meteorologist again. Like the government got...

They hurt you. Yeah. The government got a rack wrong. There were mortgage securities that were definitely unbalanced. And so therefore, we can never trust anyone who knows anything again.

And we should all move from our gut. It is a far more nuanced world. This is exactly what we talk about on the show. It is a far more nuanced world than people want to give it credit for because they just, for whatever reason,

are like, I don't want to- Well, but it's easier. It's easier to say to somebody who knows more than you, like, there is a feeling of I'm less than, okay, when I'm in the presence of someone who knows more than me about something. So you don't have any – you can't win that argument. But if you simply, like, deny them altogether, then you can win. The amount of people who think they know how to solve the Middle East problem or know how to deal with homelessness is enormous compared to the actual people working out in the United States. Just put them in office buildings.

Yeah. Sorry about the Middle East. You guys know the amount of people who yell at the TV that the NFL coach is a moron. Yep. Trust me, you did not do the preparation that this person did. Yeah. Trust me. But they're sure of it, right?

Right. Well, and that is like yelling at the TV over an outcome that we can't predict. Yeah. Again, or over the weather. I mean, it's like you look at your phone and Apple tells you if you have a phone and it tells you this is what it's going to be tomorrow. And I'm always like, maybe. Yeah.

And by the way, that prediction is so much better than it was like five or 10 years ago. Yeah, right. Like a three-day forecast is now is what like a- Seven days. One-day forecast was before, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, in defense of elitism, I'm in defense of it. Good.

It's a great book. Get it on, we're in the holiday season. It's a large font with wide margins. I love it. Easy to read. Get it on Amazon. You can get it on, I'm assuming you have with wide margins. I love it. Easy to read. Get it on Amazon. You can get it on, I'm assuming you have a website. I do, yeah, which we'll just send you to Amazon.

Which is Joelstein.com. TheJoelstein.com. The Joelstein.com. Except no alternatives. Just go to Amazon. Follow him on Twitter. Go to Amazon. Buy it.

Give it five stars. Rate it. Review it. All that great stuff. And pick one up. If you're listening to this show, I think you'll probably dig this book. Should we jump into another story? Let's do another story.

Let's do it. All right. here we go. This was sent in by... Oh, wait. In the book, I did... The first third of the book, I went to the county in America with the highest percentage of Trump voters, which is a very rural town in the panhandle of Texas. And the people I actually dealt with were big, you know, rural Republicans were smart,

but I'm wondering, do you guys get a lot of panhandle of Texas stories or is it all Florida? No, no, it's some Oklahoma story. That's right there. It's all over Northwest. Yeah.

Part of it is who, who makes their police blot. Yeah. Like Portland. Oh, is that why Florida gets Florida gets a lot. Oregon gets a lot. It's happening in other places. Florida has the biggest scope of like public right will make... Oh, is that why Florida gets more? Florida gets a lot. Oregon gets a lot. It's happening in other places.

Florida has the biggest scope of public right to know. So everything that happens... Oh, how unfair that is. That's why there's a lot of documentaries from there, because you have everything is... Every evidence is public domain. And the other thing is, Florida, man. What percentage of your stories are men compared to women?

We just had one from a woman, which surprised me. I think they're about half. We're now seeing about half. 50-50. Really? Right? The top's like 60-40, man. But there's a lot of women.

There are a lot of women. Hey, man. Both of these two stories are women. Good for them. Wow. Ready for story two. Good for them. Sisters doing it for themselves.

Give it to us, Dan. From Perla at PX Caballero. I love Perla. She's the best. I know. She is. We'll see her when we go to Portland. Yes, we will.

Okay, here we go. We'll do this headline. I'm Porto. She's the best. I know, she is. We'll see her when we go to Portland. Yes, we will. Okay, here we go. Read you this headline. I'm not moving. Woman without ticket or ID refuses to get off Delta flight from Orlando. How the fuck did she get on the flight? How'd she get on the flight? Because that would mean she either threw them away after TSA or somehow got all the way onto a plane without either one of those.

So there's no way she got onto the plane without the ticket. It's highly possible that it fell out when she was walking somewhere and trying to buy a coffee or a neck pillow. That's happened to me before. That's fine. Or it probably... Did you know that most airports are now offering

just out in the open happy ending massages? No way. It's called relax the front. That's great. We need to do that bit. That is good. So she could have been getting topped off and everything fell out.

Who at the airport is like, you know what? Boarding is not for nine minutes. I'm going to go have these people rub my back down in this open air pavilion. You know all the stress of everybody who's moving? You're about to go to an airport. You know all the stress of everybody moving?

I need to just osmosis-ly suck that in. Can you really let it go? That's got to be it. It makes sense. So many people, you get there at like 9 a.m., 10 a.m., people are drinking a lot of alcohol because they're so freaked out about flying. I bet the massage is the same deal, right? You're going to the airport right now, Sharon?

Yeah, well, I like to get there for the massage. I get a 60-minuter. I get a 60-minuter. I like a pre-made sandwich and a chair massage at my airport. Pre-made. I want everything on the sandwich, even things that aren't supposed to be cold. I like my bread freezing. I want my bread weirdly moist.

I want my lettuce wilted. I want my bread to be freezing. It's saran wrap twice and somehow there's a lot of water in there. I want it to be 33 degrees. You know what? I'll take these room temperature hard-boiled eggs, too. Was this

sandwich just sitting on someone's windshield this morning? Who cares? We're going to Boise. Live it up. So this woman loses. I'm going to assume she loses her ticket in the airport. Orlando, Florida. Gets on the plane.

Orlando, Florida also. Have you been to the Orlando airport? Yes. It's a shit show. Holy crap hole. Because it's a lot. First of all, I've never had to fly through Orlando, do you, to get to Miami?

By the way, Miami is its own fucking crazy airport. Yeah, but Orlando has more pre-boarders than anybody. And then it's pre-boarders and then families. So if you're just a middle-of-life person, you are not. This is like the Key and Peele sketch.

The guy finally gets through. He's like, zone one. He's so excited. He shows everyone, I'm zone one, I'm zone one. And then they start listing all the people like, these people, military. People in the military. People with babies. Military babies.

Religious leaders with military babies on their laps. Diamond. Uncut diamond. Uncut blood diamond member. And then my favorite joke is Jason Schwartzman yeah and then he just walks through drunk people

and a guy just walks by and falls down I mean my son loves that sketch so much it's so true so that's who you are in Orlando you're group one can I just say my Orlando experience is

we're flying back around between Christmas and New Year's from Florida because I go to visit you know know, we go to visit Tampa. The paint of the year. So the worst time to travel ever. And, of course, Orlando is doing, like, a ton of construction in their airport. So we fly to Orlando and then go from Orlando back to L.A.

That was, like, the launch. So that's all we could do. Like the construction, so you have to, like, walk out under a plane. Yeah. Like it's taking off. Is this the way to C-19? Should I have the things that tell it to go the other direction? So I, no, we had to go out of the, we're in the airport and connecting, and we had to go out of security and back through again.

And we're like, oh, we'll be fine. We come out there, and it is like the craziest line ever. And my kids are freaking out. They're like, we, we'll be fine. We come out there, and it is, like, the craziest line ever, and my kids are freaking out. They're like, we're going to miss our plane, and I have to, like, go up to the front, and these people have had it. They just, like, had everything. I'm like, we are going to miss our plane.

We just got a connecting flight. Someone gave us the, it was, we were, like, begging them to let us, even in just the TSA pre, just to get through. It just was insane. Did they let you through? They did, and we barely got on the flight. Even going through that, I was like, this is not going to happen.

Orlando Airport. A woman was escorted off a plane at Orlando International Airport Sunday after boarding a Delta flight to Atlanta with neither a ticket nor identification. So I have been, I've gone to the airport and not had my ID before. Have you ever done that, Joel? No. You also have the epic. But,

well, yes. So let me, let me tell you what to do from now on. Okay? Number one, make a copy of your driver's license

and just throw it in your bag. I have a picture of it on my phone. Okay, so a picture of it in your phone is also good. The other thing that's super important to have, anything. I didn't even have that, but I had

a bill. A piece of mail. Which can get you a library card. Got me through. A piece of mail with my name on it that was similar to the thing. Got me through and then they did a full body, you get ready for the biggest probe. Inner cavity search.

It's like a serious wanding for like 11 minutes. But like that's all it was and I got on the plane. Let the wanding begin. Yeah. I was like, I don't have my ID and I'm done. I'm finished in this world. And this is post 9-11. Post 9-11.

Wow. Seven years ago. Yeah. Seven years ago. So she got, how did she get it? So the question is, she just sat down in someone's seat. So she lost everything. She lost everything in the airport. Or she just sat down in someone's seat. So she lost everything. She lost everything in the airport.

Or she just sat down in someone's seat. Yeah. This comes from WFTV. That's how it comes up, right? She just picks a seat, and then someone's like, excuse me. This is my seat. And she's like, I'm not getting up. I'm not getting up.

Well, dude, where's your ticket? My ticket right here says this is my seat. Where's your ticket? And she's like, I don't have to get up. Passenger Jenny Clemens said she called a flight attendant to her assigned seat when the woman sylvia richter oh god i already i know exactly this woman r-i-c-t-o-r just because it feels harsher richter richter uh refused to move quote she said very bluntly i'm not moving clemens said she's had enough.

The flight attendant tried to get Richter out of her seat. The attendant said Richter was not listed on the manifest. Richter, quote. Maybe she's a ghost. Isn't that an NBC show? With the Angeline? The manifest? Yes.

I have 15A, I have 15A. She's not even, that's not a conversation. She probably wasn't even in 15A. She's not even, that's not a conversation. She probably wasn't even in 15A. She's in 13C. The Delta employee said, maybe on a different plane. Richter, no, I'm on Delta. Delta's not a plane. If you want to say I'm on a...

This is where you go to the United crew that drags the Asian man off the plane. Can you please get this woman out of here? Drag her out. Drag her off. I'm going to read that. I have 15A. I have 15A. Maybe on a different plane.

No, I'm on Delta. No, I'm at the airport. Right. You're not answering that question. Clemens said a supervisor and a pilot came over. Pilot? A supervisor and a pilot came over. Pilot?

This guy's like, my job is to not talk to you motherfuckers and just land this thing. Right. Like, now I got to get out and do this thing. I got to drag this dummy off the floor. Now he has to deal with, like, people turbulence. That is a good term. Human turbulence. That won the Booker Prize this year. A supervisor and a pilot came over but also had no luck removing Richter.

Employees asked Richter several times for her boarding pass. Quote, who knows where I threw it. I just threw it out as soon as I got on the plane. Which would mean there's a very limited amount of area where it could be. Who knows where I threw it? She's on 15A. She said she threw it out when she got on the Delta.

Who knows where I threw it? Who knows where I threw it? That, by the way, was to the plane. Honey, did you pick up our daughters? Who knows where the kids are? Where I threw them. Who knows? This woman does not have the kind of planning as the big lots woman also like we're now in like impeachment hearings where people have

to like remember specific conversations that happened several months ago and people really do and yes they are people who take attention detail this woman had just got on the plane there's a wide range of humans you know who knows you know you know you just did it employees then asked her for id witnesses said that's when the woman held up her phone richter this is we're gonna go through some more dialogue she does not know how to answer questions i have a delta right here i call on delta you don't you can't who does your dental right insurance okay ready here it is richter who's your favorite designing what i wish we could have our favorite designing woman delta that also checks out our uh improvised Shakespeare people do this. Richter. Well, here we go.

Well, I'm showing you a picture ID. Ma'am, that's not a government-issued ID. That's a photo. So it was probably just like her Facebook profile picture. Or like the lock screen on her phone. Here we go. That's a photo, Richter. Well, this is just as good.

No, ma'am, it's not just as good. It's me. You know there was a filter. No, ma'am, it said with such derision. You know, no, ma'am, no, ma'am, it's not. According to the passenger, the pilot called the police. You know him. He was like, we're going.

Yeah. I'm sure if I'm on this plane, all right, and we're at a gig and we're trying to get home to see our families, I'm going to start screaming at this lady. I will be like three rows behind her. Well, you're about to scream a lot more. I'm going to go crazy. You're not even considering what they have to do. I will go nuts on this woman.

According to the passenger, I'm probably going to call the police. No, I would FaceTime my kid and I'd be like, apologize to these people. You know what I would do? I'd walk up to her and be like, is this Richter? Hi, I'm Delta. Can I talk to you outside of the plane for a second? You're Delta? Yeah.

Or just have a small bag of Doritos. Go in the back, get a small bag of Doritos. Just be like, would you like a bag of Doritos? Take her up to first class and just keep walking her off the plane. Walk her to the jetway and then just kick her as hard as you can in the small of her back as she walks off the plane.

No, get her a wheelchair and just get out into the terminal and then you get to the thing and just push it. Put her on the Disney Express. This is your problem now. Or tell the jet bridge to just pull away. Sure. Leave the door open and then put her in a wheelchair and then just wheel it right off the side.

According to the passenger pilot called police, they were able to remove Richter from the plane. They eventually told her, quote, you're breaking federal law. Yes. Richter left cursing, leaving passengers confused and concerned. cursing, leaving passengers confused and concerned. Clements said she was able to get in her seat and the plane taxied down the runway, but it was quickly stopped.

No! This is when you would really start to hate her. This is it. We were stopped pretty quickly, and the pilot explained that it was because the lady was not cooperating with TSA. Then they say, the Transportation Security Administration, we know. Is that what TSA is? And she did not have a ticket to any airline at all, Clements said.

They could not figure out how she even got on the plane. After about an hour, you guys were on your way home. No. It's ready? I would be yelling at everybody. It's going to get worse. I'd be like, let me talk to this woman, please. After about an hour. You would not beat the shit out of her. I wouldn't. I'd be like, let me talk to this woman, please. After about an hour.

You would not beat this shit up. I wouldn't. I would just give her a stern talking to. The plane was searched by dogs and TSA agents. Of course. Every single passenger had a pat down and all of their bags had to be searched again. Because of this dummy. Because you had a woman on a plane, you do not search on a plane.

She got their security. Yes. She's like a bag that goes on a plane. Is somebody else with her? Did we catch one of them? So everyone has to get off. The entire plane has to be searched. Every bag has to be searched.

And every person has to be re-padded. And even though the weather's nice, it has to be de-iced. I hate this moment so much. Could you imagine? The hatred I have for this person. Because on one hand, you'd be like, like well i yes this is what you have to do dan i'm not kidding i would be like someone right now has to take me to this woman like i don't care where's their plane you need to get on another no i would be like if we're not getting

another plane i need to speak to this woman right now and you owe me as an airline a chance a chance to go face to face with this woman i'm not I'm not going to touch her, but I'm just going to tell her everything I feel. Or, and I actually oppose the death penalty in most cases, but I would apply it and say, stop. Just one tiny lethal injection.

For yourself, because you're like, take me out. I can't go through this anymore. And all the passengers, while they're being patted down, get to watch her. I'm so nervous I'm making my flight. Get to watch her die. Systemically, though, the TSA sends people in who have a little too much liquid in their

bags and see if they can get through. Meanwhile, you think this is maybe TSA being like, no, I'm just saying some obviously insane woman, maybe having an episode or on drugs or whatever, gets through everything. Everything. Right.

So this doesn't speak well for the system. The way I do the story is, if that would have been indicated or alluded to, I probably wouldn't do it. Because for all we know, she literally just doesn't want to cooperate. Right. Because they don't have her. If they don't have an ID for her and she won't cooperate, they're like, well, then now we don't know where you're from. She's like a human car without a license plate. Right. Yeah. That's it. She's like, I can steal stuff we don't know where you're from. She's like a human car without a license plate. Right, yeah.

That's it. She's like, I can steal stuff, right? No, you cannot. The plane was given the all clear and made it to Atlanta. TSA told Channel 9 Richter was screened but did not provide any additional information. How do we know that's her name? It's not known how she got on the plane. Charges against her will be filed.

I think that's what... They're super strong. So the rules of getting on this plane, charges against her will be filed. I think that's what... They're super strong. So the rules of getting on a plane are strict. And then we'll go to the third segment. Are strict. I think they just need to be Richter. Oh, yeah. Strict.

There we go. There we go. Give us a little tease. I know, we went a long way there. What's our last quick story, Dan? It has to do with a parking mishap. Okay. Parking mishap.

Joel Stein is with us. We'll be right back with more dumb people town rack hey guys welcome back to dumb people town dan take us home buddy here we go okay this was sent in by lee wilson at baseball general thank Thank you. I feel like, yeah. Is it just general knowledge? I don't know. General insurance. It's a rank, I guess.

Rank and file. Here we go. A teenager in Bristol. This comes from us from KETV. Yeah. Bristol, Connecticut. Photo taken in Bangkok, Thailand. Okay.

A teenager in Bristol is making headlines after losing his car when he parked it near a festival but forgot where it was located. We've had this happen every once in a while. I did this on – I was fasting for Yom Kippur and I went to the synagogue and I parked my car and I thought – and I had to move it because I was like, oh, it's going to get a ticket. I moved it and I forgot where it went in, came back out, did not know where it was. A little delirious. You really cleared your head. You really got a lot of things off your mind and chest. I went to the police station and filed a report because I was like, it's stolen. Really? It ended up

at the border. It was a cocaine car. It was a cocaine car. It's a deep cut for a real car. Wait, you lost your car at a parking lot? No, on streets. And you had to go to the cops? And I went to the cops because I'm like, it's stolen. My car is stolen. This must happen constantly.

And they're like, okay. So I filled out the whole report and everything. And then I was like walking back and I saw it parked down a street. I was like, oh, yeah, I parked it down. So then you stole your own car. Right. But then I had to go back to the police. You did go back.

I had to go back to the police because if I take the car, then it's stolen. Then I'm nailed. 19-year-old Connor Spear. back you did go back i had to go back because if i take the car then it's stolen yeah uh 19 year old connor spear he's he's lettered in at least one sport yeah who's fret this is why water i forgot 19 year old connor spear whose friends call him fun time frankie now come on how are you already getting that at 19 what are you doing that your name's Connor And your nickname's Funtime? You're selling Molly I want his friends to call him Linda Richter

Yes Said he was attending the Tokyo World Festival When he left his vehicle What is that? What is that? The Tokyo World Festival World what festival? I don't know

So this kid from Connecticut Flew to Bangkok for the Tokyo World Festival And of course He is a Funt to Bangkok for the Tokyo World Festival. And of course. He is a fun guy. Of course the Tokyo World Festival happening in Bangkok. Jeez. This is a world festival. Thank you, Joel.

When he left his vehicle in the lot next to where the festivities were happening, but after the event, he couldn't remember where he left the car. In the lot. Yeah. Dummy. Hey, man. Don't get in the way of his fun time. According to BBC.

So we're now in a whole other- So this might be Bristol, England. Interpol's involved. According to BBC, Spears' mother, Sally Jeffrey, said, quote- Wait. Hang on a second. I know. She's got- Connor Spears is Funtime Frankie.

His mom is Sally Jeffrey. That sounds like a Hamilton song. It's like a- Sally Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. His name is Connor Spear, but we call him Funtime Frankly. His mom is Sally Jeffrey. His car was in Bangkok. Said he was due home on the Monday, but when I managed to get a hold of him, he said, mom, quote, I've literally lost my car.

The teen and his friends were able to find a ride home. By the way, kudos to him for being honest and using literally properly. That is true. He literally lost his car. Mom, I'm literally losing my mind. No, you're not. You're figuratively losing your mind. You literally did lose your car.

The teen and his friends were able to find a ride home. When Spears and his mother returned to the lot, however, their search was futile. So that means he was like guys let's just get someone else to take us home i can't solve this car problem jeffrey decided to post on facebook as one does to see if anyone noticed her son's car and might know where so the mom is now like you know what i'm just gonna put it on i'll do it does anyone know where my car is it's her car that's when they received a call from a man saying he rode his bike past the vehicle

just like the one Spears owned. How German is this guy? This is like the guy who committed the murder, just being like, if I tell him I saw it. If someone knows that many details about the car, I now am very suspect. You are suspect number one. Is Ashton Kutcher involved?

I know. Maybe. About 10 minutes later, after I put the post on Facebook, a man called to say he cycles past the car every day on his way to work. How long did you leave the car there? Every day. This is now part of your routine?

Right. Well, there's the old car. I know I'm halfway to work. In high school, my friend Jason Brown of the identical twins, Jason and Lance Brown, Jason's car did not start when he was at the flea market on US 1. And the old car only cost a couple hundred bucks, left it there.

Because you can't do it. Putting money into it would have been a money pit. Towing it would have cost more than that. Exactly. So for six months, I would drive by the US flea market, and that car was alone in this giant lot. No one cared. No one. Halfway there.

It's there now. That's its home. Halfway there. According to BBC, the man who called them had met Spear after the festival and helped them find a ride home. Thankfully, Spear's car is as he left it, but he has to wait until next week to go pick it up. How did he miss it? I don't. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah. How do you? What a dumb. I'm going to ask you guys. Yeah. How long was the car left with the guy riding past it on his bike? This is good to know because he says every day. Get out of town for today.

What do you think? You want to go first, second, or third? I go third. Third. Okay, good. I like this. Two weeks. Two weeks.

Two weeks. Okay. I'm going to say a month. A month. Yeah, because if you say every day, that means a like this. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Okay. I'm going to say a month. A month. Yeah, because if you say every day, that means a passage of time. Okay. I think if you're willing to abandon your car, it's not that big a deal. Like my friend Jason, at least three months.

Okay. Three months. Townies, thanks for playing along. Thanks to everybody who came along and turned out with us. Come see us on the road. Go pick up Thanks Diane at danielvankirk.com and make plans to see us when we come to see you. Because, fun time pranky. I don't know who that is.

Left his car for nearly a week. Oh, that's it? How's this guy? Screw the guy being like every day. That guy threw us all. Even if that's six days and he's round trip biking, that's 12 times. No, I've biked. What you say is.

Jay, you're with the wind. What you say is I've biked past it. I've biked past it. I think I've seen it. I think I've seen it a couple of times. Not, that's the car I always go past. That's. For six days.

Can't say always for six days. Always. Five days. Every day. It's work. Right. What do you work seven days a week. It's true.

All right. The name of the book is In Defense of Elitism. Yes. And is there more to the title? Why I'm Better Than You and You're Better Than Someone Who Didn't Buy This Book. Phenomenal title. Go pick it up. It's a great stocking stuffer, although I'm sure you'd have to get a pretty big stocking

to stuff it in. You should. Get a big lot. Get a big stocking. There we go. Get a big lot of stocking stuffer, Joel Stein. He is Joel Stein. Thank you for joining us on Dumb People Town. Thank you. And, oh shit, we gotta get a big lot. Get a big lot. There we go. Get a big lot. Stock is done for Joel Stein. He is Joel Stein. Thank you for joining us on Dumb People Town.

Oh my God, thank you. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Stick around. Make a sound. Run your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb People Town.