Dumb People Town - Joey CoCo Diaz - Just Go There and Figure It Out

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

This week, comedian Joey CoCo Diaz (The Church of What's Happening Now) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, four Teslas are stolen by four separate men. Story #2 stars a hungry night owl who takes matters into his own...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Joey Diaz.

Joey Coco Diaz is with us. Happy New Year, gentlemen. Happy New Year. Thank you for having me. So happy to have you on this. Close to the house, no drama. We make it easy for you. No drama.

I love it, man. We were just talking about your awesome podcast, and it is the church of what's happening now. So good. You're such a great storyteller. We'll get into it as we get into these awesome stories that we have. But super popular. Are you amazed at how people just, they feel like they,

they probably feel like they know you. It's crazy. Deeply. It's very crazy. When they see you live. Yeah, it's a very different situation. You leave a lot of yourself out there. Yeah.

You have to. You have to. There's a thousand funny comics. Yeah. Thousand fucking funny comics. Yes. So you have to find a way to stick out there in a way. I know there are four of us in the room right now, but I'm going to say there are five of this, including your breathing.

Yes. Your breath is like another character in the mix here. In the mix here. I love it. That's 30 years of smoking pot. Well, hey, I'm so happy you're here. And this podcast is about stupid people doing stupid things and us trying to make sense of it. And really make sense of the world.

Because we do believe that the world is getting dumber. And this is how we combat it. By using the only tools we got as comedians, which is our comedy against it. And Daniel, happy new year. Oh, thanks. So good to see you. Let's jump into a story right away. We can get into all the other stuff later.

For sure. Let's jump in. All right, guys. Yeah, let's do a story. Let's jump in. We got Joey Coco. We got other news and stuff, but we'll do that later because I have- We have one of the best storytellers out there with us.

Thanks, man. No, we're talking about Joey. Either way. Joey Coco. Either way. Joey Coco. Either way. Either way. All right, here we go. This was sent in by Guy Montag at idig.

You ever see a word where you're like, everyone knows this word but me? What is it? P-I-O-C-H-E. I dig pioche. No idea what that is. Oh, thank God. That makes me feel. Pioche sounds like, it's like a Cuban dish.

No idea what that is. Oh, thank God. Piyosh sounds like, it's like a Cuban dish. It's like when you take a banana and you fry it up and you try and fuck a chicken with it. That's a piyosh. It's probably delicious. You're tied to a Cuban man. I know. Isn't there a brioche bun?

There's a brioche bun. Yeah, a brioche is very, given the option, I always ask, can I get that on the brioche? Brioche bun. But I'm looking at this piyosh, you know when you're at work or in our line of work, maybe a table read, and you're like, I am going to say this word wrong in front of everybody. That's what I felt like. You see the car crashing. It happens at any line of work.

Anyway, here we go. South Salt Lake. Oh, nice. The Mormons. You've been to it. Wise guy. You've been to Wise Guys in Salt Lake. Great club. Love it. The Mormons. You've been a wise guy. You've been a wise guy since Southlake. Great club.

Love it. Four people were arrested Friday after being found in possession of four vehicles believed to be stolen from a Tesla dealership. You're going big. That is grand prize theft auto. Well, they're saying if we take these off the lot, no one's going to hear us leaving, right? That's very true. Nobody expects it. Have you guys been in a Tesla?

Have you ridden in one? I have. Never. Have you? Have you ridden in a Tesla? No. I've ridden in a fucking Tesla. I heard it's the weirdest thing because there's no inertia.

It just moves. You know, when you get in an old car and you feel that old, like I used to have a Chevelle. That was my first ever car. And you would hit that and it would kick you back, right? The four-door Chevelle? I had a four-door Chevelle. What was your first car? What was your first car that you owned?

A 73 LT Camaro. Yes! Oh, Jesus Christ. The biggest piece of shit. The biggest piece of shit ever. Two-door. Two-door, type LT. I bought it for the stereo.

Yeah. Was it good? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The stereo. Fucking UFO. Michael Schenker in there. I bought it for the stereo yeah was it good oh my god oh my god the stereo the fucking UFO Michael Schenker yeah

the stereo came with a car yeah the stereo that's all you gave a fucking lot they built a car around these it's like when they had a piece of furniture around the TV oh they had a couch in those some of those 73

but this was all for the stereo all for the stereo I love it that was me you had to put oil in the stereo. I love it. Gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung. Yup, exactly. That was me. You had to put oil in the fucking front seat because it dripped oil.

And remember you used to be able to say this? You never hear this anymore. You're going to flood it. Yeah, you're going to flood it. You're going to flood it. Oh, I flooded that fucking thing a thousand times. Me too. I put that under the George Washington Bridge.

Really? And left it? I left it there. Say goodbye. With a nickel bag in the front seat. Come back at night and it's gone. Gone. That was the hot spot.

Yeah. It was known for years. That was the place where people- Just go right over the bridge. On which side? On the Jersey side? On the New York side. On the New York City side.

And it goes underneath. Make that exit before you hit the Henry Hudson Parkway or whatever. Sure. The West Side Highway. And there'd be cars lined up. Just for people to take. People that just abandoned ship. Really?

Now it's 1-877-CARS-FOR-KIDS. No. Stop. We can't. Don't even put that in my mind. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put that in your ear. Hilarious.

Hilarious. I can't believe you called. Yes, I had a 1972 four-door Chevelle, 350 stock, greatest car I ever owned. You love that car, man. Oh, absolutely. First car we ever had was a Pontiac 6000. No, yeah, Pontiac 6000 LE. Probably like 1984.

Nice. In style, Jess. Horrible car. Horrible car. Of course it was. Great stereo. We drove it over a median one time and ruptured the oil. The whole bottom part of the car.

And then we had to sell our old baseball cards. Just to pay for it so our parents wouldn't know. So we're like parting with like a rookie Tom Seaver. Hey, you grew up in that moment. Yeah. No, I'm serious. That's growing up. Well, look, we said we fucked this up.

We can't put this on our parents to do. Like, see, I want my kids to take that responsibility. You make a mistake, it's on you. Yeah, why do we care so much? We were like responsible. Are you ready to hear who did this? Yeah. William Weist, or Weist, W-E-I-S-T.

Gone Weist mode. I know. Like the Diane Weist of thieves. He went Weist mode. William Weist, Shane Smith, Zachary Hallman, and Earl Lean Parker. Now- Earl Lean Parker. Sounds like a pimp.

Those three people's ages- It's like iceberg slim. Those three people's ages. It's like iceberg slim. Those three people's ages span three decades. Okay. I want you guys to guess which one of them is a teenager. I'm going to read you the names again. Okay. Which one of these names belongs to a teenager?

To a teenager. William Wiest, Shane Smith, Zachary Hallman, Earlene Parker. Shane Smith. Shane Smith from Joey Cocodillas. Hallman. Zachary Hallman. From Jason to Zachary Hallman. I think it's Zachary Hallman, too.

Coming in at a nice 19 years old when they're stealing Teslas. She's barely a teenager. Zachary Hallman. Yo! Knew it. Felt it. William Wiest, the oldest one at 31. The other people are in their 20s.

Okay, here we go. William Wiest, Shane Smith, Zachary Holman, and Earl Lean Parker. Is that a crew? Does that constitute a crew? Four people? Wait till you hear about this crew. They were all arrested in connection to an apparent burglary and theft of vehicles at a Tesla dealership located at, get the walking town, dumb people town walking tour

ready, located at 2312 South State Street, according to South Salt Lake Police Detective Gary Keller. I'm going to show you guys these four people, and it will fit so well with what they do. And we won't be able to tell who's the teenager. No, you probably won't. Oh, my God. Look at these folks. That'll be up on the Facebook page.

That's Earl Lean. Oh, that's a guy. be up on the Facebook page. That's Earl Lean. Oh, that's a guy. That's Earl Lean. Yes. That's crazy shit. Earl Lean is- What's the black chick do? She's Earl Lean.

Earl Lean. It's not Earl and then his nickname is Lean. Right. It's Earl Lean. Also, and I don't want to disrespect her name at all, but to me, that is a dad who was determined to name a child after him. Yeah. His name is Earl, and God damn it, we are naming this kid after him.

Earlene. Earlene. Earlene. One guy, quote, one guy claimed, this is of the people that the cops caught. Here we go. One guy claimed a family member had died and left them all his stuff, but two of them actually said the car was given to them by a man named Tesla. In Salt Lake City.

In the middle of the night. We've all been in that moment where you get caught. Yes. And you got to go with the lie that comes up. Right. I mean, you either have the lie that you were building for a while or whatever. Or you're trying to think on your feet. Right.

I mean, I'm sure you've been in that scenario. You got to think on your feet, Jack. You got to think on your feet. Right. I mean, I'm sure you've been in that scenario. Oh, you got to think on your feet, Jack. You got to be on your feet. Why? Because they fucking going to, they re-ask you the story a thousand times. Yeah, that's the thing that they get you. Until they get you. Well, let's go back at it again.

How'd this start? Well, you just said before that he picked you up at one. Did it fucking matter he picked me? You know what I'm saying? Like that. Right, right, right, yeah. It just never ends. You got to think on your...

You know, I learned how to improvise going in front of judges. Really? Yeah, that's how you learn how to improvise. A lot of yes-and-ing? You don't have to waste your time at Groundlings and all that shit. Just get into trouble and go to the court system. Just get into trouble and go in front of a judge. Yeah.

You learn how to improvise like a motherfucker. I'm sure you do. I'm sure. Groundlings, 1, 2, 3, and 3 months. 90 days. Of course. Why is Joey Diaz in the touring company of Court?

Yeah. Court TV. The bizarre chain of events began around 1 a.m. when a Utah Highway Patrol trooper conducting a traffic stop near the Tesla dealership noticed a Tesla car

stop behind the trooper's squad car. So this crime literally rolled up behind the car. Yeah, if you see a cop, you might want to turn a different direction. The trooper. If you see a cop, Joey, and you're doing something wrong, do you pull up right behind him? Right next to him. You pull up right next to him? Yeah.

Why? Because that avoids suspicion. Right. I thought this the other day. You guys tell me what you think. If you were a cop and kind of like sparsely populated highway or interstate whatever you're pulled over watching you know doing a little speed trap and somebody drives by with two people in the car okay

and the two people look straight ahead the whole time they go past you or the two people look right at you which one are you more suspicious of the people look straight ahead right yeah now the people who looked at you that's what they picked that's what they're looking for really because i wondered they're looking for those signs okay because i wondered if a cop would be like there's no way those people did something and then stared me down the whole way but you're saying joey that the staring down is a person being like oh they're right there yeah they're right there i would i wonder which is more if you're rolling a joint, we're rolling a fucking joint. And this idiot's doing 65 and a 50.

Yes. And I look up to him and I go, slow down, we're rolling a joint. And I look and there's a cop car I'm going to look at. It's just the way the eye catches it. Yeah, and you're caught. It's not that you're thinking about it. Right. You look up and there's a cop car.

Yeah. And you know this dummy's fucking speeding. Yeah. And you know this dummy's fucking speeding. Yeah. Or you know this dummy's got a body in the trunk. And when you tell your friend to slow down because there's a cop there going to slam on the brakes too hard. There you go. So now you're like, should I not say anything and keep going at this speed? Phrases I've never considered in my life.

You know this dummy's got a body in this trunk. Yeah. You know this dummy's got something in the trunk. Have you ever been in a car where their body's been in the trunk? I know there's something in the trunk. I don't ask. I just take the ride and shut my fucking mouth. And make sure nobody's sitting right behind you in the car.

Yeah, no. That's it. That's it? You got to go? The trooper, believing the man driving the car wasn't the owner of the vehicle, no, just that's kind of a cop dick move also, too. Yeah, but he knew. He's up being right but he's also gonna that guy doesn't have a tesla right look at zachary holman well okay i i look if i see a

mini cooper come pulling up next to me i know in in the back of my mind that i'm not gonna see joey diaz at the wheel i know i'm gonna see like some young girl like who's at the wheel the thing if i see like a rolls royce roll up i know i'm'm not going to see some ragged 24-year-old with a long beard. That's not happening. I'm going to see an old white dude who's sitting in this car. There are some things where you see the car and you immediately know who's going to be sitting in it.

By the way, you could be a young internet stud. Crushing Salt Lake City. But then you wouldn't have... Yeah, maybe a Tesla. I don't know, but look, but as a cop, you say to yourself that seems weird. At 1 a.m. to see this. So he sees the person pulls up behind him. He then calls for

another officer while he conducted a traffic stop at a Salt Lake City police officer. Another one arrived on the scene to investigate. Keller said the man identified as Smith. So for us, that would be Shane Smith. Oh, I said Smith. Most of Utah. You just described a lot of Utah with a last name Smith.

Keller said the man, Shane Smith, had a bag of keys and told police he had come to return the vehicle. Yeah, you know, when you want to return a vehicle, you say, what's a good time to drop back off the vehicle? 1 a.m. 1 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m. With a whole bunch of other keys. Yeah, he got a bag of keys. That's fucking crazy. Quote, I don't know if he had a

guilt complex or whatever, but he claimed his name was Tesla, and once police started talking to him, he didn't want to talk to police anymore. He wanted an attorney. By the way, I'm Dave Tesla. Even the guy who owns Tesla's last name is not Tesla. I know. It's Elon Musk.

This guy does not know that. He thinks, oh, it's just like Bob Chevrolet. So that's a bad improviser. This to me is like the moment in Brokeback Mountain when she's like, after Jake Gyllenhaal gets killed and she's talking to Heath Ledger. And she's like, hey, one of his bashes scattered over Brokeback Mountain. Said it was the most special place that he's ever had in his life. And he says, we went ranching out there for like a summer back in 65 or something. We went ranching out there for a summer back in 65 or something.

And in that moment, he gave up the piece of information that allowed her to know that she got it all. So this guy saying his name's Tesla, kind of a piece of information that allows people to know he's fucked up. I love that he's a bad enough criminal to return the car in the middle of the night with all the keys, but a good enough criminal to go, I'm done talking to you. Where's my attorney? He wants law and order. That's it. He wants law and order to go, I'm done talking to you, where's my attorney? He watched Law and Order. That's it. He watched Law and Order. I don't have to talk to you.

It's crazy how criminals are dumb. By nature. But dumb things happen when you're doing crime sometimes. One time I was robbing this jewelry store, and I was robbing it right around this time of the year. I was going back to Jersey in February, and I wanted to make, like, I wanted to have a party, so I knew I could rob this jewelry store.

And I had this jewelry store. I planned it out, the whole thing. Had you been in there before? Oh, yeah. I cased the whole fucking mall. I would rob the mall every other month just on principle because they wouldn't have alarms. It was Colorado in 83.

If you're gonna not have an alarm, this is on you. Yeah, they had like one lock on the door. Some businesses wouldn't even lock their doors. There was one day I went into a... I was on a balcony and I looked and I saw a shadow and I thought it was a buddy of mine at a restaurant. I knocked on the glass and I opened the door and it was wide fucking open.

Nobody in there. I walked in and I'm like, Randy, Randy. And also, I open up the manager's door, and the deposit bag is on the thing. You got to take it. On principle. You got to take it on principle if you're going to be that fucking stupid. Well, you're teaching them that they're going to have to lock the door.

You got to get a lot. This is a very expensive lesson. A lot of times, you're not planning on doing a criminal thing, and something pops up. Yes. They're in it. This particular night with the jewelry store, I planned it, I wanted it to be a snowstorm.

We were in Aspen. It was fucking coming down. I decide to rob this jewelry store. Right when I'm about to break the glass in the jewelry store, I see the police lights, and I run home, and I'm done. Only thing, it wasn't snowing that much because they followed my tracks. Oh!

So I'm in my apartment watching TV, fucking furious, and I got a knock on the door, and I go to the door and it's two cops, and they're like, hey, man, have you been home all night? I'm like, yeah. That's the weirdest thing, because they tried to rob the jewelry store, and the tracks follow in, and we look down,

and there's fucking carpeting, like an extra piece of carpet I had. And there's the snow. And there's the boots with the snow on. Oh, man. I hope you were like, I think the robber's in my house. No, I go, oh, shit, I went to the car to get something, and they probably mixed in.

That's what happened, and then they both looked at me weird. Did you get taken in? No. No, but I knew that my burglary days had come to an end. There. I had been going crazy for like eight months up there. And what were you doing in Aspen? You were like, I'm just going to hang out.

I was trying to get a residency so I could stay in Colorado and maybe transfer to a college out there. Wow. I was 19. Oh, my God. See, that's the difference between you and so many other quote-unquote dumb criminals is you got a little close to the sun and turned around. That's right.

Yeah, you came back. It got a little hot and you were like, I'm done with this. I'm done. It was like, there's a guy at the Magic Castle right here in fucking Hollywood. And at the time, I was a dishwasher. I did like shovel snow in the daytime to case the joints. That's why I shoveled snow because I would case the different businesses. You should never trust a guy.

So I would shovel snow on the buildings and also around the mall, and I would just case the joints. So I would either rob drug dealers, or if the businesses got stupid, I'd rob the businesses if they let the door open. I was 19. I was a fucking dumb kid.

You're like Aspen's version of Omar from The Wire, just being like, I'll steal from these guys. It was crazy. You're like Aspen's version of Omar from The Wire. It was fucking crazy. I'll steal from these guys. It was crazy. Yeah. It was crazy. It was the craziest thing. I remember one time breaking into a cookie place, like a cookie thing in the corner in

Boulder. Like, I was just nuts. You just. And in the cookie place, I got like $44. And I'll never forget the cops pulling in front of the place and talking on the radio and me sitting in the cookie place like, how long are they going to sit out there? I can't make my fucking daring escape.

So you're in there, are you like hiding down below? Just sitting under the cookies. One of those Mrs. Fields cookie places. For that moment, you were Mr. Fields. I hope you took one of those huge cookie cakes and wrote on please go away, cops. I didn't do shit, I just laid it out.

It was crazy. I was just doing stupid things. But the security levels were so bad that I never got caught. It was a different time. Now you'll get fucking caught. Aren't you happy you're not in the burglary game anymore? Yes, I am. So are we.

The incident caused police to begin investigating a possible burglary at the dealership. Yeah, no shit. One guy shows up with a whole bunch of keys saying he's Mr. Tesla. Yeah, that's the guy. As officers were investigating, they spotted a second Tesla drive by the building. This is at like 1 a.m. Another Tesla goes by the building. You got to tell, if you're a crew and you're stealing Teslas, everyone drive in a different direction.

Stay away. We'll meet back somewhere else, but not near the Tesla. And get walkie-talkies. Exactly. Watch Baby Driver. See how it's done. Another UHP trooper pulled that second vehicle over several blocks away after the vehicle ran out of battery power. So they didn't really pull it over.

It more just stopped, and then the cop rolled up behind it. That's a new era car thief thing that you got to be conscious of. Battery power. Battery power, not back in the day. Yeah, if you steal a Tesla or whatever, and you go on a high speed chase- You got like what, 200, 300 miles? You probably only have 150, especially if you're going on the highway and you're going fast. And from the dealership. From the dealership. From the dealership.

So the police will be like, yeah, they'll run out. They'll run out. We'll just keep following. We'll wait you out. The thing that gets me the most is what are these four idiots going to do with four Teslas? Try and sell them. Who are they going to sell them to? Exactly.

You know, where are you going to take them? To Mexico? What are you going to do with Mexico unless Chapo's in the business? That's right. Or where are you going to take them? To fucking Dubai? Yeah, it's not like you can open your jacket and be Chapo's in the business? That's right. Or what are you going to take him to fucking Dubai? Yeah, it's not like you can open your jacket

and be like, you want a Tesla? You want a Tesla? You can't do that. So all those electric cars, like I don't know what the deal is now, but those rings

take cars to sell to other countries. When they steal those cars, they take them right to a port. That's right. They change the VIN, make a fake title,

put them on fucking containers and send them to fucking Africa. Yeah. You go to Africa two years from now and there's your 6,000 poundie with the fucking, with the done over oil tank that you worked hard for. That's what they do. So how many Priuses are going to get sold in Mexico?

So many. Shane Smith. None there, but they'll get sold in Mexico. Shane Smith, a.k.a. Mr. Tesla, a.k.a. dumb person number one in this story, so we're back to him. He told police, quote, a guy he hardly knew gave him a free Tesla along with three other keys to other Teslas. In addition, he said the man gave him keys to the building. So I don't know the way a car dealer should... You just meet somebody and he's like,

hey, let me give you some stuff. This isn't 1983 Aspen. Also, if you're following along, this man who said I'm done talking sucks at not talking to the police. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta shut the fuck up. I'm not saying anything to get my attorney.

I will tell you this. A guy named Tesla gave me the keys. But I am not talking to you. He also gave me gave me the keys. But I am not talking to you. He also gave me keys to that building. But I am done talking to you. I'm finished. I'll also say this, and I am done talking to you. They had to smack him twice to talk and ten times to shut the fuck up.

That's what that's called. Shane Smith, a.k.a. Mr. Tesla, added that he was at the dealership when the building alarm sounded for about 20 to 30 minutes. So he's saying, on principle, hey, I was just here. The alarm went off for 20 to 30 minutes. You cops, you didn't show up. So that's, on principle, I had to go take one of these things. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. He said he stood outside for 20 to 30 minutes and saw the building being ransacked. The report stated. The report added. So he's selling his other guys up the river. He's done with that. He's done. Mr. Dave Tesla then took the keys to the vehicle and had a business license to the dealership.

So now he owns it. This is like- That's so nice. He went and he took the business license. It's my place. A certificate of commerce and a check written to Tesla in his possession. It's so obvious he made this check out to himself from somebody's office he went into. But I'm going to ask you guys, how much money do you think he made this check out for to himself, Mr. Dave Tesla?

Now, Joey Cocodias, you are our guest, so you can go first, second, which is the tick spot, or third in this guess of how much money did he make this check out for. You want to go first or second? First. Okay. $50,000. $50,000. That, by the way, is a great guess because that's how much

I mean, that's like a down payment or something you put on the car. I say $75,000. $75,000 from Randy. I'm going to say $25,000. $25,000 or $25,000? $25,000. Ah, $25,000. Okay. Because I don't think he knows how much it costs. One of you is only $500 off.

Oh. So everybody get your guesses in at home. Here we go. The check made out to Mr. Dave Tesla was for $49,500. Uh-huh. Do you think he wrote 50, crossed out, and was like, I'm going to go a little less? He was the same guy that wrote the note to the fucking, one of those people in Boulder that got that girl taken away.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember they scratched the fucking. Yes. They scratched the fucking. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're going for $10. Yeah.

Let's go for fucking $2,000. John Bonet. John Bonet. Yes. Okay, now we're moving on to Wiest, which they didn't say here, but I'm assuming is dumb person number two. The guy whose battery died and the cop took credit for pulling him over. Sure. He identified himself as Carlos Romero, which is a badass name.

It's a gay name. Carlos Romero. The hillside strangler. And officers found a financial transaction card- It's like the foothill strangler. With that name in his pocket. So he has a financial transaction card he probably took from the dealership. Uh-huh.

According to the report, police then called Tesla, and able to identify multiple stolen items from the business in his possession. So Dave Tesla also stole stuff. Police were able to positively identify the man Weist through his fingerprints. Now, two other vehicles were recovered later in the morning. One of the vehicles was pulled over by a West Valley City police and another was spotted outside a liquor store in Salt Lake City. By the way, West Valley is where the Wise Guys is. That's where it is.

Exactly where it is. I don't know if you walked around that area. The new club is not West Valley. The new club is way cooler. It's by the basketball stadium downtown. But the old club, West Valley, we walked around there a little bit. A little scary, that area. Definitely you could see.

All right, so the West Valley police pull it over. Yeah, and they find the other one in Salt Lake City where it's just parked out in front of a liquor store. These are the worst criminals. You've got to get your car off the street for a while, right? For at least a week. Zachary Holman and Earlene Parker, which are dumb persons three and four in this story. By the way, if you own a Tesla, you're probably getting most of your liquor delivered by Amazon. Yeah.

Or Postmates. Postmates. Get someone else to get that. So they're the drivers of the two other Teslas. They each told police that a man named Tesla, Dave, gave them the vehicles that they were driving. Sure. So this isn't on them. Dave Tesla gave us these cars.

Yeah, he gave them to us. He's like a vehicular Santa. Zachary Holman told police he had entered the dealership with two other men and had taken the vehicle. A jail report was unavailable for Earlene Parker. Officer Keller, the guy who got this all started, said he believes police have recovered all the vehicles stolen from the dealership. And this is where the cops get dumb because how would they not know how many Teslas are missing from the dealership? Call the dealership and say, what's your inventory? 168?

And how many Teslas can a dealership carry? Nine? Yeah. They don't have like 100. No. Right? No way. In the meantime, he said the investigators are unsure how one or more individuals were

able to get into the building and take the vehicles. Because there wouldn't be any security cameras or anything. Not if it's a mall in Aspen. No. Police said they're also trying to figure out how they were all connected because they can't figure that out either. I'm hoping that four random dumb people in the middle of the night said walking by a Tesla. One of them broke in and the other three were like, let's do this. Let's do this. And they didn't know each other either. What did Joey say? Sometimes moments come up. You're thinking, what are we going to do?

Someone else breaks in and you're like, we're going to do this right here. I'm in the mood for meth. I'm in the mood for meth. Which is the name of your next album. I'm in the mood for meth. It's one of those things where you're going, what? And you're scratching your head. It's what so many cops say in Dumb People Town.

The good thing is we have four people in custody and hopefully all the property is returned. Do you want a cop being like hopefully we got all the stuff? It's like the jacket, you know, like the Tesla coat and the Tesla mug, the key chain, the travel coffee mug. I bet they stole all that shit. That's what they got. Well, Dave

Tesla probably was like, that's technically mine. It's got my name on it. You guys can have it, but I get it. It's got my name on it. That's story one,, but I get it. It's got my name on it. That's story one, friends. Jeez. Yes. Dumb people doing dumb things. That was a deep, dumb journey right there. I love it.

And we got a little journey into Joey's past as well, which I love. On principle. On principle alone, you take it. This is basically me telling them you got to get a lock. That's how it goes. All right, one story down. We come back. Joey Cocodias.

Listen, if you're going to be that fucking stupid, it baffles me. Right? I'm no Phi Beta Kappa. Right. But there's just common sense. These people don't even exhibit that. In Boulder in 95. Love it.

At 1 o'clock, the bank opened up at 9, and a window chick, one of those girls that sits in the window, realized that she hadn't had a customer in four hours. And she went outside and she noticed that on each drive-in there was a box, a metal box with a lock on it that said, deposits are closed today. Just put the envelopes in here.

And the guys came back and took $30,000, $40,000. That's unbelievable. Who would put, you see those things? Yeah. For years, every fucking year on 60 Minutes, they tell you to report about the email, the African. Yes. You're going to win the lottery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just sent him stuff yesterday. It baffles me. Wait a second there. I'm no fucking genius, but it baffles me. You have to know, you have to understand. It is common sense. Stupidity, it just baffles me. You have to know. You have to understand. It baffles me. It is common sense.

It just baffles you sometimes. You know what? It baffles you, but to us, it actually makes me really happy. All right, we had this segment. Me too. Segment one's down. We'll come back. Segment two, Joey Coco Diaz right after this.

All right, guys, welcome back to the show. I want to mention real quick a couple business things. Yes. We have the pins that we've kept promoting for the show. We've promoted them so well but we don't have them up in the store. We know a lot of people want them. We're going to get that up.

We promise everybody. We'll get a link on the page. It hasn't gone anywhere. You haven't missed out on it. We just had a little bit of a hang up with the Amazon link. We're good at being funny. And building buzz. We're decent at doing a podcast. We're good at being funny. And building buzz. We're decent at doing a podcast. We're learning how to be sales.

It's a hard thing to do. We will bring a lot of stuff with us to San Francisco. If you want to see us live at Sketchfest on the 21st Sunday at 1pm. Cobbs Comedy Club. Scott Thompson, one of the original Kids in the Hall

so you're in a city that has a gay the center of the gay earthquake and you're with the coolest one of the coolest gay comedians out there Scott Thompson

he was so influential to me growing up watching Kids in the Hall I mean Kids in the Hall was one of our favorites and that's going to be in the feed in the feed

but see it live that's the key come see it live we incorporate town people so much into the show we're going to have all the merch there we just made a flyer for our uh in brooklyn we'll be at the bell house you ever perform at the bell house joe great great great spot there and we got the the girls uh corinne fisher and uh christina hutchinson from uh guys we fucked and uh they are amazing so that show is selling out that show is going to sell probably

gonna sell so we may add a second one. That's on February 25th. So we'll promote all that stuff. Joey, I know you're on the road a bunch. What do you got coming up in the next couple weeks? Austin, Texas next week. Great. Cap City?

Cap City. Phenomenal club. One of my favorite clubs. And then fucking Charlotte. You're at the Comedy Zone with Mike Hall, my favorite guy in the world. He's the best. Is that?

The guy who runs the club. He's like, oh, God, he's so great. He's the best. Is that? The guy who runs the club. He's like, oh, God, he's so great. He's like, hey, man, I'll take you over here. You want pastries? I'll get you late-night pastries over here. You want to play golf? I get this thing over here. You want to go over here?

You want to go on a NASCAR ride-on? Late-night pastries. That should be my comedy. Late-night pastries. That's Charlotte, right? That's Charlotte. Comedy Zone. Comedy Zone.

Great, great club. I've been there once before. It was great. Where can people go to find all the details on this stuff? JoeyDiaz.net. Nice. JoeyDiaziaz.net and I'm gonna say this to our fans please listen to his podcast you will love it it is to me it reminds me of like the best

moments from all those movies like Sopranos Goodfellas whatever where it's you and people just talking and going deep and whenever you get personal about moments in your life that you know where it's you and people just talking and going deep. And whenever you get personal about moments in your life that, you know, that I've... Story about your uncle when you were five. Story about your uncle who would do, or no, your godfather.

Godfather. Who would pick you up, on the most recent one, who would pick you up and took you to see Dirty Harry. And then after the show, you guys are eating in a diner, and he says, open your hand. You tell me what he, tell these people what he laid in your hand. It's the same gun dirty hair he had. You're five years old.

He lays it in your hand. Can you imagine putting that in your daughter's five-year-old hand? Yeah. Can you imagine? I couldn't imagine. Your daughter's five today. Five today. And giving her a.44 Magnum or whatever the hell it was.

I couldn't even fucking imagine it. But you held it in your hand in that moment. And that was it. And that was it. And he used to take me to see all those crazy movies. Like, there was no ID. Times Square. Yeah.

You need to be 12 to get into this film. I just picture a little five-year-old you like Karen in Goodfellas. Like, you put the gun in my hand. Some people would have been scared. I was like, I'm going to take this gun. He took me to two kid movies. The Love Bug. Uh-huh, yeah.

Mr. and the Love Bug. Yeah, yeah. And The World's Greatest Athlete with Jan Michael Vincent. No way. Before the fucking boo yeah. Mr. Middle-Up, bud. Yeah, yeah. And the world's greatest athlete with Jan Michael Vincent. No way. Before the fucking booze. Yeah. And I told him, I thought we were going to go to better movies, you know. And then he's like, oh, okay.

And he started taking me to Death Wish and Stone Killer. Oh, my God. The Veloci Papers. That race. The Veloci. Phantasma. No, fuck those fucking movies. Dirty Harry Harry That's crazy

Fucking He used to take me What'd your parents do? Your parents didn't She had no idea You know it was Last House on the Left My mom had no idea

She had no idea She used to tell my mom He used to tell me Don't tell your mom Don't tell your mom And I would not say Fucking a word Who was this person

Relays your godfather He was like My catholic godfather That put water in my head when I was born. Oh, jeez. It's like, look, I put the water on his head, I can take him to see. He really filled the void. That's what the story was all about.

Because your dad was out. My dad was done. My dad was dead. Gone. Dead. So Saturdays, he would pick me up at 8 and take me to 7 o'clock at night. So he was helping your mom. He was helping my mom.

And your mom was probably like, hey, thank you. But at the same time, he was manning me up a little bit. He was taking me to girls' houses. He had a girlfriend and a wife. Yeah. So I had to carry all these secrets with me. That's a hard one. You know, he smoked pot in front of me.

I couldn't tell my mom he smoked pot in front of me. Yeah. He would giggle. I used to love the way he giggled. After he smoked pot? Oh, like a little kid. He would giggle. And I'd go, when I get old, I want to giggle like that.

Oh, God. That's fucking crazy. That is Oh, like a little kid. He would giggle. And I'd go, when I get old, I want to giggle like that. Oh, God. That's fucking crazy. That is so, what a thing. So it's so funny, the giggle, that became this visceral thing for you. Yeah. You're like, that's what it is to just. He has such a fucking great time. Like, I knew at that age, marijuana didn't do dick to you.

Right. Because I would watch him and go, what's all these people? Because I was part of PAL. Right. Because I would watch him and go, what's all these people? Because I was part of PAL. Right. On 88th Street and Amsterdam Avenue. Police Activities League? Yeah. Yep. And the first thing they take you is to a police station and tell you drugs and you shoot a gun

and they give you the target to take home. You shoot like a.22. They don't do that shit no more. No, no, no. The Police Athletic League. Yeah, the Police Athletic League. Athletic League. And they. You had to play pool. How to clean a gun. They showed you instantly. No kids were shooting themselves in those days

because they got the knowledge. They would show you the gun. There was no mystique. It was not a big mystique type of thing. There was no mystery. You guys want to do a second story? Joey, I love that stuff. Anyway, just to put a

pin in it? No, a button on it. A button on a pin? On the end of it, his podcast, The Church of What's Going On Church of What's Happening Now is such a great

storytelling podcast. So for all of our fans who haven't checked it out, go listen to it. Go subscribe to it and you'll be like, this is my new favorite. Thank you.

All right, this story was sent by so many people. It is just a dumb thing that happened in town that I could completely identify. Joey, based on some of your stories, I feel like you would do the same thing as this guy too, and it's just good and dumb. All right, I love it. Sent in by Nick and a million other people, but I think he was first, if not to everybody else.

I'm sorry. At Nick Depe, D-E-P-E. Here we go. West Columbia, South Carolina. Okay. Alex Bowen said he couldn't sleep. So in a hungry and slightly drunken stupor. A way drunken stupor.

Yeah. There's not a slightly drunken stupor. You're either in a drunken stupor or you're a little bit buzzed. And how can you fall asleep? Yeah. Because you're doing blow. Right. If you're in a drunken stupor, that's when I pass the fuck out. You know what I'm saying?

A slightly drunken stupor, exactly, is sleep. Right. If you're slightly drunk, you're like, I'm going to go to bed. He's lying about how much he drank. If you're really drunk, you're like, I'm going to go do some shit. He lied to a lot of people about how much he drank or whether or not he did blow. So in a hungry and slightly, that should be in quotes, drunken stupor, Bowen, Alex Bowen, said he walked to a West Columbia Waffle House early Thursday morning and found it empty of customers.

He also didn't see an employee right away. So he started taking things. With hunger calling out to him and no bacon sizzling on the well-worn Waffle House grill, Bowen said he waited for 10 minutes at the register. That is a long time. 10 minutes with nothing going on. Right. There is no way he waited 10 minutes.

I agree. He might have waited 45 seconds. Yeah, two minutes. Two minutes is nice. You guys are being very nice. That's an eternity. Two minutes is four watch looks. Yeah. He waited 45 seconds. Yeah, two minutes. Two minutes is nice. You guys are being very nice. That's an eternity. Two minutes is four watch looks. Yeah.

He waited 45 seconds. You know how you ever watch, like, if you ever go up and perform even on a Monday night at the comedy store, or just when you're watching, like, new people coming up and doing their thing, or you ever go to an early one, you know, it's like you watch the people do sets, when we all do sets on Thursday night and Wednesday night It's like 15 minutes goes by like that in a snap you watch a newbie doing it four minutes can seem like forever You're like I can't believe it's only three minutes. I got a lot of open mics Do you I try to go like newbie open mics just to learn yeah?

Yeah, you fucking sit back there, and you watch and you learn a lot of shit you go to the store You see great comedy yeah, yeah, but if you want to lot of shit. You go to the store, you see great comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you want to see train wrecks, I go to those little ones in the valley. Yeah. And I sit back there and I watch 10 guys. I'll get high and watch 10 guys. It's hilarious.

And you really fucking learn. You do. You do. You see even mistakes that maybe you made when you started or you made a little bit. Matt, think about that then. Here's a good way to put it, just like you were just saying, that's a good way to put it. When you're stone sober, 10 minutes can fly by. Yeah.

But not when you're waiting. That's still long. Imagine how long it is when you're drunk. When you're drunk. 10 minutes is like an hour and a half. If I come home drunk and I, wherever, the game I play is what's on the counter. What can I eat that's on the counter? What's around... Pirate's booty.

I attack the pirate's booty. Cheese sticks and pirate's booty. Oh, I kill those pirates. Alex Cohen then posted a picture of him in the empty Waffle House. Is that slightly drunk, that face on that guy's? Look at his eyes.

That is full drunk. That guy's lit. Okay. There was a point in time back in the day before cameras on phones and whatnot where that could never exist. You don't whip out your Vivitar and take a picture of your... There's no such thing. Right, right. He posted that right away. Also, him standing for 10 minutes at the counter, do you know he probably got into a drunk deal where he figured,

how many different ways can I say hello? Like, he's like, hello, hello, like yelling at her. Yeah, he's shouting stuff out. He says, quote, I walked back outside to look for employees, but none were in sight. Okay. Bowen said it was when he walked back inside that he noticed the sleeping employee in the corner booth, and then he posted a picture of that guy. That guy's out.

That might be slightly drunk. He is he posted a picture of that guy. That guy's out. That might be slightly drunk. He is out like a light. But he's out in the restaurant. Yes. In a booth. Yes. In a booth. He said he walked back in, waited a few more minutes, and then it was go time. So he walks in, finds the same person, waited a couple more minutes to see if that person would wake up

from their nap. Didn't want to wake him up, though, on his own. Which is very nice of him. Very nice. Let the guy get his sleep. Let the guy have a nap. He was probably in a drunken stupor himself. Yeah, he's got a day job. Yeah, the guy's working hard probably. Yeah.

In the post, I think he puts this on Facebook, Alex Bowen showed the sleeping employee in how he, Alex, became the king of his very own Waffle House. I got on the grill and started making a double Texas bacon cheesesteak melt with extra pickles. He just started creating his own new life. That's not a thing. By the way, and started making a double Texas bacon cheesesteak melt with extra pickles. He just started creating his own new life. That's not a thing. By the way, that can't be a dish at Waffle House. Texas bacon cheesesteak melt with extra pickles. Which, by the way, take the pickles off.

I'm eating that thing. I'm eating that. You hear that? Here's a picture of him in front of the stove just making this stuff. And if you look in the bottom left, you'll see just a stack of bacon and burgers, a piece of bread and pickles. If he finishes this dish and then places half of it in front of the sleeping employee- Then I love the guy. I love the guy.

As if to say thank you for your service. Like he's a military person. Thank you for your service. When I was done, I cleaned the grill, collected my ill-gotten sandwich, and then rolled on out. Is ill-gotten the word? Ill later, maybe. Later on he got ill later. I just love the idea that he walked into

an empty Waffle House and was like, if you guys aren't going to run this place, then I will. Fuck it. I'm on this. I'm principal alone, right? He's like, if you don't want me to be cooking my own food here, then have someone come work. Then have someone not sleeping in a booth. And where was the cook asleep? In the sleep.

It was a one-man operation. At three in the morning. At three in the morning. Now, was it a regular one of those Waffle Houses? Yes. Yeah, the one we see. On the road. The real gross one.

The one that's like right by. There's one right by in Raleigh. Or no, it might have closed down, but it was right there by. Waffle House is the only place that from the outside looks dirty. Like, I know you didn't- Nothing's been mopped. Nothing's been cleaned. The one in Little Rock takes the fucking cake of being the worst.

You've been there? You've been inside? Yeah. Little Rock Funny Bone has one. But if you walked in and you were that hungry and they weren't doing their job, would you start doing it for them? I'd fucking thank God they were sleeping. I made a bad choice and God sent me a message not to eat it.

You go home. You go the fuck home. You go home. And you order a pizza from Domino's. That'll blow up your asshole even more. It will. Well, not if you're Jason Sklar. No, I love Domino's pizza.

Jason Sklar loves Domino's pizza. I can't believe how much I love it. I'm shocked at myself. Didn't that happen to you again? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was at another birthday party. Another birthday party. Shut up.

It's a birthday party. Jay's like, what is this artisanal pizza that was here? They're like, it's Domino's. I'm like, again? You got me again, Domino's. You're an accidental spokesperson for Domino's Pizza. Any of those pizzas any good? Uncle John John's, any of those?

Papa John's? No. You call Uncle John John's? Uncle John John's might be a good pizza. Uncle John John's, any of those? Papa John's? No. You call Uncle John John's? Uncle John John's might be a good pizza. Papa John's, not a good pizza. Papa John's blows. Uncle John John's is pizza that you're only allowed to eat in the bathroom. Uncle John's.

I stopped. I gave up. All I need is Vince's pizza. I just wait until I go to Gotham. Yeah. I do my fucking shows and I walk down the corner and get two slices. I mean, so where's your favorite pizza place? Is it down the street from Gotham?

That's it. That's it. What's the name of it? Do you remember? I have no idea. You have no idea what the name is? It's right on the corner. No names. No names. No original rays. 50 yards down from Gotham. No Patsy's Grimaldi's.

And they give you that thin paper plate that it sits on. Oh, it's so thin. And the pizza's like two times the size of the plate. So it's coming off all corners. I got a picture of the fucking pizza. it's so thin. And the pizza's like two times the size of the plate, so it's coming off all corners. I got a picture of the fucking pizza. It's so good. He's got no pictures of his daughter. They give you napkins that are barely...

They're not even the size of your hand. And they don't absorb anything. No, no, no. They're like a non-moist towelette. That's how small it is. And the thing is just gigantic. And they got a pepperoni fucking, they had a fucking pepperoni, what do you call that shit? A calzone? The Hawaiian?

Yes, a pepperoni. How did I know it was calzone? Look at this fucking thing. Oh my lord. Next time you're at Gotham, right down the corner. Have you posted that online or anything? Because I want to put it on the Facebook page so people can really see it. That's what I'm talking about. Are you going to eat fucking Joe

Smith's pizza or Pizza John or whatever the fuck it is? Look at the shrimp zambolis. Look at the zambolis. You understand me? The strombolis. I don't fuck around, dog. I kind of like that you call them zombo. The zombo. I want these pics to post on the Facebook page for all the

listeners so they can see what- They get dick. They get dick. Get on the fucking plane. Go to Gotham. Go watch Brian Callum or the Sklar Brothers. And after the show's done, you fucking go over there. 50 yards down the street and get a Zomboly.

Get a fucking Zomboly. Look at this place. Look at this Chinese joint with the spare ribs and the old school egg roll. Look it, on metal. When you see Chinese food with metal, that's it. That's it. You've arrived. Nobody sees metal no more.

You are showing me pictures of Italian food in New York the way the Sklars make me watch videos of their kids playing sports. Fuck that shit. No kids pictures. No. Food. Food. New York. But there's this.

Oh, shit. Green chili. When you do Denver Comedy Works from right's this- Oh, shit. Green chili. When you do Denver Comedy Works from right down the corner, that place. Yes. Green chili all day fucking long. We don't fuck around. Go look at that. That chili's going to go up to GoPro.

Look at that. The best Cuban steak sandwich in the country. Where? Dos Hermanos. Where? 56th and Burger Line Avenue. Oh, my God. People take the $60 ticket when they go to-

People say, I got to go to Dos Hermanos. I'm going to take the ticket. So I might as well. Where is it? It's in 56th and West New York. Can I pitch you something? Start another podcast called Just Go There. Look at this.

Just Go There. $21.50. Two Cuban steak sandwiches, two sodas, and a batido de mamey. A papaya milkshake. By the way, where were we? Stop. That is a picture of the bill. Of the bill.

I know. Just to show these fucking peasants what they're missing. You go to fucking Jersey Mike's, it's 20 just for that piece of shit fucking steak. I'm getting Mike's way. With cheese. That's mad. I'm telling you, start a podcast where it's just you and other people arguing about pictures of your food.

Oh my God. Where you give no directions on how to get there. You just go and other people arguing about pictures of your food. Oh, my God. Where you give no directions on how to get there. You just go there. Figure it out. Figure it out. That's why you got that shit on your fucking phone. A food podcast. All right, in three blocks.

A food podcast by Joey Diaz called Figure It Out. Figure the fuck out. With no pictures, just like haphazard directions. Figure it the fuck out. Where that place is located next to another landmark. You don't need to know the fucking name. I walked 50 yards. It's just like haphazard directions of where that place is located next to another landmark. You don't need to know the fucking name. I walked 50 yards.

And so now there are going to be people who listen to this podcast who are going to go to Gotham and go 50 yards in any direction and try and find this pizza. Maybe we'll go next month. I would love to go. Are you in New York? Yeah. We're at the Bell House at the end of February. I'm going. I'm going.

We're coming. He says, when I was done, I had my own deal. I cleaned the grill and then I rolled going. We're coming. He says, when I was done, I had my own deal. I cleaned the grill, and then I rolled out. I give all the credit to my old friend vodka. I wouldn't normally have done that. I think he would have done it. Yeah, this was resting inside. Did he walk there?

Yes, he walked there. So he's kind of responsible. He didn't drive. He didn't try and pick up a- He had some fun. He didn't wake up somebody sleeping. Did the guy get fired? Did the guy get fired? The employee? They did get suspended, but they didn't drive. He didn't try and pick up a- He had some fun. He didn't wake up somebody sleeping. Did the guy get fired? Did the guy get fired, the employee?

No, they did get suspended, but they didn't get fired. Okay. In an honest telling of the saga, Bowen said he stopped by the same Waffle House Thursday afternoon to check on the store to make sure no one was asleep on the job. He said one of the employees isn't very happy with his exploits. This is the picture of the guy he met just rocking a full camo gear behind the register. Look how annoyed that person looks at him coming in. It looks like he's wearing the same outfit, the main guy.

Yeah, he said, the old Waffle House is just going to have to take an L on that one, bro. Take an L. When asked if he paid before he left. I think when you show up to a Waffle House, D, you took the L. You're taking the L. You took the L. When asked if the L. You took the L. When asked if he paid for the food before he left on that fateful night with his old friend Vodka, he said no.

But he did give the employee money when he returned on Thursday afternoon. I'm going to ask you guys. How much money did he give him? How much money do you think he gave the employee when he came back? For a Texas two-bacon steak and cheese. No, no. It's more than that. He went to Waffle House Fantasy Camp. Yes, he did. That's what he got to do.

He got to show up and play as a Waffle House employee. You want to work the grill? Work the grill. There's some restaurants where you do make your own meal there. Right? There's places where you're like, they just give you a- Shabu, shabu, shabu. You're talking about a Japanese place where you throw the meat on the grill and you got

to grill it yourself? All right. Fine. Yeah. Also, this is- So how much money did he give? How much money did he give? Joey, you want grill and you got to grill it yourself? All right, fine. Yeah. So how much money did you get? How much money did you give? Joey, you want to go first, second, or third? First, 10 bucks. 10 bucks.

10 bucks. Five bucks. Five from Jason Sklar. I think he gave what was in his pocket, which was 350. 350? Yeah. Okay, Randy says 350. Jason says five.

Joey Cocodias says 10. Gave him a 10. I'm going to tell you guys right now, one of you is exactly right. Someone in this room. Joey's 1-0 in the games so far in this show. Here we go. When he walked back in and met the pissed off person that was mad they did all this, he gave the employee a $5 bill.

Yes! Jason Sklar. Very nice. I love restaurants in Dumb People Town. A Waffle House spokesman, we'll get out of here on this, said the sleeping employee was suspended for a week. He also said that Bowen said there's no slight in his actions and that it points out greater issues that they're going to address. They close it out by saying, in a related note, obviously Alex has some cooking skills and we'd like to talk to him about a job. I can't believe this story came up after Joey's story about the jewelry store, the thing that left the thing wide open.

All you're doing is pointing out to Waffle House, your employees can't fall asleep or else someone's going to come in and make a thing. You can't leave the drop right there in the office. You've got to make cocaine readily available if you're working an overnight shift at the Waffle House. That's right, at a Waffle House. There should just be a tiny break glass if needed. You start to feel yourself falling asleep, you take a little bump, a little bump, and then you're good for the night. The Mexican dishwasher always has a cousin.

The Mexican dishwasher always has a... By the way- Remember the triple runs? You were in fucking South Dakota. I always got Coke. You got Coke. Because you hunted down the one Mexican and he got a cousin somewhere. I would have to agree with Waffle House.

It's like pointing out an issue. You have one guy working all night, cooking, doing the register, and bushing the tables. All of it. He's going to need a nap. At some point. That's bullshit.

Or he's going to need- Somebody didn't show up. Somebody didn't show up. Somebody didn't show up. Yeah. All right, Dan, we have one more story. Me too. After this break, what are we looking at?

Tease a little bit. Give me a little tease of what we got in this last story. A guy had his life ruined by having sex. Okay. Good to know. It happens every day. It happens every day. During the act.

All right. Jesus. Okay. All right. We got a great story coming up after the break. Joey Coco Diaz with us. Stay with us. All right, guys.

Welcome back to the show. Follow Joey Coco Diaz with us. Stay with us. All right, guys. Welcome back to the show. Follow Joey Coco Diaz on Twitter. Your Twitter handle, sir? Mad Flavor. Mad Flavor. Just a joy. And check out his podcast and do it and come see us, you guys. You know what to do.

All right, Daniel. Before we get into that, I want to remind people, one other thing that's going to end up in this feed, the night before we do Dumb People Town, Sketch Fest on the 20th, I am doing a live Wahlberg solution. Boom, boom. It is going to be something people will be able to listen to here. If you're coming into town or coming to the festival, come out on Saturday night at 1030.

It's Scott Adsit. Nice. Yes. Cole Stratton is going to be Stan Lee. Kenny Stevenson is going to be Nick Cage. Love it. It is going to be so- And before you do that, come to the Cafe du Nord and see us do a headlining set there.

Oh, heck yeah. And then go over to your show right after that. And there is such a big special guest that I can't give away, but it is a huge, huge, huge guest. Love it. All right, I would love to have as many townies as there. Here we go. Sent in by Chris Pinkott at Stuperfly. Love this dude.

He'll be in New York with us. The 29-year-old, that's all, they're just getting right to it. The 29-year-old visited an emergency eye clinic after suffering partial sight loss in his left eye in the morning after a strenuous romp, a report published in the British Medical Journal revealed. Now, you usually use your eye, the old thing they used to tell you is you keep masturbating. You'll lose your eyesight. You'll go blind. Wasn't that the fear? Who started that? That's the church.

Somebody's mom. Some mom who was done with it. Didn't want a kid moving out. So this guy has sex and then loses his eyesight. Yeah. It's good sex. That is hardcore.

It's great sex. She fucked the eyesight out of him. It is thought he was performing the Valsalva Maneuver. What's the Valsalva Maneuver? Which happens when a person tenses their abdominal muscles and holds their breath, forcing air against a closed windpipe and putting pressure on the chest. I'm going to try and hold this up for you guys. What?

Wait, what? I'm going to put this. Why do I not know what this is? You know that show, The Doctors? Yeah. That's who's going to explain to us what the Valsalva is. Let's listen to this, guys. The Valsalva Maneuver.

Yeah. I'm going to hold this up to the mic here. And there are a few things that you can do. One thing people do, it's called the Valsalva maneuver. And that is the same as bearing down to have a bowel movement. Oh. Wow. So that's better than thinking about baseball or golf.

Well, you know, I actually disagree with that because you want to stay in the moment as the male. And what you actually do and this works for some people is you pretend like you're gonna have a bowel movement that'll kill it that is it you pretend like you're gonna take a dump in the bed and then you lose your eye unless you're having sex with chuck berry i don't know who that is serving. Yeah, but it's supposed to make you last longer. What? So this guy's pretending to take a dump while he's having sex with a person and then goes blind. Could those three things in one sentence be worse?

You either go blind or your anus prolapses. Your whole, everything falls out. Everything falls out the back and then you've ruined it. I mean, to me, you never in any one of those scenarios want to come close to pushing in that direction. Because you don't know

what's going to come out. It's disgusting. Unless that's your thing. The report said that initially doctors were confused by the cause of the man's injury. And this also, in Dumb People Town, this is like, every day people are walking in and they're like, what'd you do to yourself? I can't see, I had sex.

I'm going to suggest something. I think there should just be, there should be two hospitals. And by the way, both good. I actually think there should be a dumb hospital and a regular hospital. The dumb hospital, everything that you did that was dumb, you decide, I gotta go to the dumb hospital i just tried this this was stupid hospital is like whatever we're not gonna judge you no but what'd you do to yourself that's the first i tried to

take a while i was having sex and now i lost my eyesight boom you're at the dumb house i put a gerbil up my ass i don't know why but i did it and everything here the dog went in my and it broke yeah dumb hospital dumb hospital all thoseumb hospital. Yeah, all those things. All of it. It's really weird how many people show up with crazy sex things. So you go to the dumb hospital. Things that get stuck

and shit. Go to the dumb hospital. Dumb hospital. It's gotta be fucking embarrassing. It's gotta be embarrassing. To go into a doctor with a pole up your ass and it broke.

Yeah. You know what? It is. I'm telling you guys, it really is. Dan, how do you know? I'm just saying. Dan, how do you know?

But you're saying, oh, empathy means you've been through it. No, sympathy. Don't word trick me in dumb people town. At this visit, he saw a difference, so he comes back a couple days later. They asked to come back a couple days later, so he came back a couple days later. Still can't see, guys.

They're having great sex. Cannot see anything. He didn't see a different doctor. He didn't see anything. He didn't see anything. Hey-o, Fats Clark brothers. At this visit, he saw a different clinician. Clinician't see anything. He didn't see anything. Heyo, Fats Clark brothers. At this visit, he saw a different clinician.

Clinician? Clinician. Clinician. Who asked him direct questions about the patient's sexual activity. So it's like what you just said, Joey,

that the first one they were probably being a little bit like, okay, have you done anything strenuous? No, no, no. The second doctor was like, what kind of sex

are you having? What kind of sex? Tell me exactly. What the fuck did you do? What did you do? By the way, the dumb hospital has to have doctors that talk like Joey Dears. Joey Coggan is their check-in administrator.

They just shift right through the bullshit. What the fuck did you do? What happened? I don't know. I was walking down the street and I fell on a hot dog. No, you didn't. No, you did not. No, you didn't.

You met a guy and he put a hot dog up your ass. Which is fine. It's okay to live that life. Do whatever you want to do, but just tell us what's happened. And at the end of Oprah's speech, it broke in my fucking ass. Which is fine. It's okay to live that life. Do whatever you want to do, but just tell us what's happened. And at the end of Oprah's speech, it broke in my fucking ass. Which is also okay. Because you got excited.

Because you got excited. You got excited about the prospect of Oprah in 2020. I get it. I get it. At a regular hospital, it says, what are your current symptoms? At Dumb People Hospital,

on the form, it says, what the fuck really happened? What did you do? What did you do to you? What did you do? The patient then reported an episode of vigorous sexual intercourse on the evening

preceding the onset of symptoms. The patient's eyesight eventually returned on its own. So anybody out there in dumb people town getting weird, there's a chance it will just come back. But still, please go to the dumb hospital. But there is that moment where it starts to come back and you're like, wait, I did it right then.

What did you? I think dumb... He's going to it right then. He's going to do it again. He's going to do it again. You know you got Kaiser Permanente. Right. I can't wait for this. I want Kaiser Estupiente. Oh, I thought you were going to say Experimente. Kaiser Experimente.

Kaiser Experimente is for all the dumb shit that people do. It's like, are you going to Kaiser? Which one? I'm going to Kaiser Experimente. I got a hot dog stuck up my ass. Which is okay. Did you watch the Golden Globes? You mentioned Oprah's speech. No, no, no.

I just watched that shit this morning when I got up. And I saw everybody fucking jumping up and down. Great speech. Oprah 2020. Gayle could be the first lady. That's all I'm saying. I'm just putting it out there. Stedman could be a congressional aide.

Yeah. That is, this is all fucking stupid. That she, yeah, it doesn't matter. The office of president doesn't matter anymore. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's done. It just doesn't matter. It means nothing.

I thought the Golden Globes were actually really good. I thought Seth did a great job. Seth did a great job. He was really good. I had a good time. I mean, Wahlberg wasn't there, but he is... I'm going to open the door for him right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because anytime a big movie event happens, we get Mark Wahlberg in here, and he's able

to move Dan, and he'll sit where Dan was. Okay. All right. Here he is. Mark, you were not at the Golden Globes last night. How you guys doing? You doing good? We're good.

We're good. We're good. You know Joey? What's up, Joey? I've seen the story before. You fucking crush, bro. Yeah, he does crush. Great storyteller, right?

Another guy like me came up fucking fighting his own way. He gets that shit. He totally gets that shit. I don't know if he... We should do a fucking movie together, bro. Absolutely. Call me. Yes, there we go, right?

I would love to see that movie. Anytime I can put somebody in a movie with me that isn't Donnie, it's a win. You're happy. It feels good. Because I get a good person in the movie, and Donnie doesn't get to see that movie. Anytime I can put somebody in a movie with me that isn't Donnie, it's a win. You're happy. It feels good. Because I get a good person in the movie, and Donnie gets not. Donnie's a bit of an albatross, I know. Joey can act. He's a good actor.

Fucking A. Fucking A. Did you guys watch the GGs or what? The Golden Globes? Yeah, we did. Did you fucking watch them? Did you see them? You were.

Why the fuck would I go there? Because you're a movie star. And you earn all the money in the world. Yeah, great fucking film, dude. And then we go out, and we get Kevin go fucking live in Space world. Yeah, great fucking film, dude. And then we go out and we get Kevin go fucking live in Spaceyville. Right? Fuck that, dude. And then they bring in...

CP fucking comes in for a month and he fucking gets nominated for that shit. He's a great actor. Okay, who wore fucking glasses in that movie? You did. I wore fucking glasses. You ever see me wear glasses in any other fucking movie? No, I haven't. He was out here fucking stretching, trying to do a good fucking job. It was like Nicole Kidman in the hour, G.

The nose on Kidman is like the glasses on you. Fucking A, dude. You made a stretch. So if you're going to fucking give CP a fucking nomination because he shows up for one fucking month. He did save the film for that. But you put on glasses and you feel like that's worth a notch. You know how much fucking muscle mass I lost for that to look like a fucking normal person? How much?

To look like one of you fucking guys? Well, that's... You lost 65 fucking pounds of muscle. You lost for that to look like a fucking normal person? How much? To look like one of you fucking guys? Well, that's... I lost 65 fucking pounds. You lost 65 pounds of muscle? And I put fucking glasses on that I don't even fucking need. Okay. So you're saying by simply putting glasses on, you deserved at the very least a nomination? Be honest.

I'm going to ask all three of you. Okay. How many times have you seen all the money in the world so far? I haven't seen it yet. Take that as three. I'm going to fucking... No, we haven't done it yet. We haven't seen it. Take that as three. Whatever. You're fucking passing your screener around. You got one SAG account. I don't give a fuck. I haven't seen it yet. Take that as three. No, I haven't done it yet. We haven't seen it.

Take that as three. Whatever. You're fucking passing your screener around. You got one SAG account. I don't give a fuck. Okay? Here's the deal.

I crushed that fucking movie. Okay. I'm not doubting that. I'm sorry. You know what I should say? I do what I do in every fucking movie. You seen Daddy's Home 2 yet?

Of course you fucking have. Where I taught Will Ferrell how to fucking be funny again. Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell. And we got the dude from Harry and the Hendersons plays his fucking dad. John Lithgow.

I don't know what his fucking name was. Do you not know his name and you acted in a full movie with him? I don't know. It was me and Braveheart and I kept being like Braveheart every day when you come in here. Mel Gibson. Every fucking day when you come in here you need to apologize to people because not everybody's forgiving you for your fucking shit. That's right. That's a good point. So he went around to each person and said I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And then he came back to me and I'm like not good enough. I did that to him every fucking day. You should be at every Golden Globes. Why don't you host the Golden Globes? I would fucking host it, but for what? So I cannot win an Emmy because they bring in Christopher fucking Plummer to do the Cable Ace Awards at the last fucking minute? That's not even an award. It is fucking two, dude.

I got 16 Blockbuster Awards that say that shit's real. What's your workout today before you get out of here? All of it. I did a 17K this morning. That's not a thing. It's not even a thing. It's not? Oh, it is now, I guess. You can't measure Ks now? No, you can measure K it. I did a 17K this morning. That's not a thing. It's not even a thing. It's not? Oh, it is now, I guess.

You can't measure Ks now? No, you can measure Ks. I did a 17K this morning. Canada, you can. Yep. I did a 17K this morning. Then I'm going to go to downtown LA and pick a fight. Okay.

That's good. That's boxing. Here's the deal. When I start a fight, I go, we're going five rounds. If we're going to fight, we're going fucking five rounds. Okay. I get it. You can't just grab a homeless guy.

You got to grab someone you think can actually- Can actually go for five routes. And then I do permanent squats while I clean Donnie's room. Okay. So you've got to stay in the squat position and clean Donnie's room. He's not going to do it on his fucking self, dude. I want a nice house. He's like a kid.

He's like a baby. I want a nice house. I get it. I'd like to someday have a place where I need to put all these fucking awards that people won't fucking give me. If you want a nice house, tell Donnie to go out and do his own thing. God, your fucking lips to Jesus Christ's ears. Okay. Mark Wahlberg.

Thanks for joining us, buddy. Nice to meet you, brother. Dude, you too, my man. I'm going to fucking hit you up about that shit. Don't fucking flake on me. He's around. He's not going to flake on you. I'm going to be outside doing push-ups.

Join me if you want. Okay, great. Look at that. Make room for doing it. Geez. Mark Wahlberg. How about that on our show? We got Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg's on. I know. We pull it in. That's it. And Donnie's on TV. What's he doing? He's on Wahlbergers. He's on Wahlberg put it in. That's it. And Donnie's on TV. What's he doing? He's on Wahlburgers. He's on Wahlburgers.

It's a reality show. But Donnie's on Blue Bloods. Oh, yeah, he is on Blue Bloods. And he's married to fucking McCarthy. He's happy as shit. He is happy as shit. Brian, I'm coming back in. If you're going to fucking talk,

try and say something. First of all, you don't understand this. Donnie's getting paid background actor rate to do Blue Bloods. That's not true. That is very true. He signed a bad deal because they told him,

do you want to be in a show with Magnum P.I.? And he didn't even care what the fucking contract was. He said, I'll just take it. When you say Magnum P.I., you mean Tom Selleck. Magnum P.I., dude. Fine. The guy who used to play for the Detroit Tigers and drove a Lamborghini? No, he's been in a bunch of other shows. Okay, well, Quigley Down Under, and it was fucking good. But I'm telling you this.

Donnie got the worst deal on that. And I told him, I go, Donnie, you have a place to go. Every day you got somewhere to go. That's a fucking step in the right direction. Make yourself walk. He walks four and a half miles to set. So he walks to set every day. Yeah.

Gets the steps in. I love it. Gotta get your fucking steps in. I really gotta go this time. Come fucking see me at Wahlberg's. We will. I'm gonna fucking do it. We're gonna source some shit out.

I can't wait, dude. Wahlberg's. Sketch Fest. Sketch Fest. You gotta love it. All right. That's our show. Joey Coco Diaz. Thanks for coming and joining us. Thank you for having me, out. I can't wait, dude. We'll have a sketch fest. You've got to love it. All right, that's our show. Joey Coco Diaz,

thanks for coming and joining us. Thank you for having me, brother. I love you guys. Follow Mad Flavor on Twitter. The church of what's happening now. So fucking good. Go to a pizza place by Gotham. If you're in town,

go to the store. 50 yards. Go there, 50 yards. Take a picture and send it to us. 50 fucking yards. I love it. Oh shit, we've got to get back to work.