Dumb People Town - John C. Reilly, Tim Heidecker, & Aimee Mann - Work Bag, Play Bag - LIVE from Largo!

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

To start off a very special live DPT at the Largo at the Coronet, Aimee Mann sings the theme song!  After a few Flatos, Tim Heidecker joins the show to discuss Story 1, in which a Darwin man nearly dies after multiple snakebites!  Then for Story 2, John C. Reilly joins the show to discuss a Greenlee in which a man is caught with a bag of urine!  To close out the show, a new segment: Florida Man birthdays!

Skypains, out of here. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And don't, don't be a jerk Cause when the music Chris the Bunny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Talk your downies, don't be a child

Yes! Oh my God Yes! Oh my God. I love this place so much. I love this theater so much. I love this community so much. And tonight is really all about that as we bring to you our third ever Live at Largo Dumb People Town.

And we like to start things off with a little bit of music. And this person is just one of my favorites. As an artist, I idolize her. She's incredible. As a friend, I love her. She's so talented and she really needs no introduction. Would you please welcome our friend, Amy Mann. I'm playing a bunch of new songs, which are, I know, it's already bad enough. I'm playing a bunch of new songs, which are, I know, it's already bad enough. Here's the thing, though, the songs that I'm playing, I've been writing a musical of,

I was asked to write music for a stage production of Girl Interrupted, which is about ladies in a mental institution. ladies in a mental institution. So the songs that I'm gonna sing tonight, not all of them, but most of them are, they're new and they're about crazy ladies and literally could not be a worse selection for a combination. It's like, I mean, as bad as, like, as depressing as my songs are usually, these are so much worse. So, I guess it's just my job to bring you guys down as far as possible, so that then they can bring you up, and in contrast,

maybe it'll seem like you're having fun. So this first song is, it's sung by the lead character in response to seeing one of the patients who had lit herself on fire. I'm really sorry. It's really horrible. I'm going to have to... It's really horrible. Here it is. You know the secrets that live in fire What is the promise that flames inspire? Can you just burn it out?

Shadows and memories that won't stay put can you redact them with ash and soot can you just burn them out can you just burn it out so thoroughly you'll

never see a trace of yourself in the spark, can you just burn it out till it's dark ghostly intruders who storm

the moat. Black-booted looters lay knife to throat. Can you just burn that out? All of the shame that was yours to bear Will it ignite like a signal flare Can you just burn it out Can you just burn it out Can you just burn it out so thoroughly

you'll never see the trace of yourself in the smoke Can you just burn it out like a joke Spirits and specters that live in the softest dreams Find their redemption in charcoal dreams Can you just burn it out

So thoroughly In all diversity it out so thoroughly in all diversity a trace of yourself in the cold can you just burn it out of your soul All right, so we're going to get the show started, and I am going to play the theme song. Yeah!

But of course, once again, I've been at home writing depressing musicals. So, you know, I'm going to slow it down a little. Dan and Brad and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They like embrace And sometimes choose A life they choose So make the news Breaking down each epic fail

In Florida There's half price bail I'm happy to say you couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam.

It's really taking a turn. With Goer, Starmand, and Vanker, don't be a jerk. Just don't be a jerk. Just don't be a wimp. Cause when the music quits, the funny hits,

then we're gonna take you down. You really go on a journey with this. So jump around and knock her down Make a sound Cause it's some people's town Thank you. Amen. Oh my God. Oh my Lord. Wow!

Amen. Hang on. You can start on the other side. We should also point out that Matt Krakow, the guy who wrote that song, is here in the crowd tonight, so let's give him a round of applause. That was a beautiful interpretation. Should we start? Alright, hey townies, welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town! Population U, Population U, oh my god, what a treat to be here. That was so beautiful.

Thank you. I wish you, I wish you, oh my God, what a treat to be here. That was so beautiful. That was, I kind of learned stuff about Dumb People Down that I didn't know existed. I know. Dumb People Down is sad sometimes. That is very true. Just a man looking at an empty bottle of vodka going, what have I done? With the rest of my vodka. You drink it if you're going to town because it's 3 p.m. We have got

a great show for you today. We really, great guests and we like to start things off by just kind of warming up. This is like our calisthenics. We bring out, of course, we want to put up on the screen our spirit animal Jan Flato. Here we go.

That's a goddamn beautiful man. That is a gorgeous man. He looks like, if there was Plato, who you guys picture up there. That's a goddamn beautiful man. That is a gorgeous man. He should be on the flag for the Guitar Center, am I right? Do they have a flag? Do they have jurisdiction? If you had to rate his attractiveness, I would call it Midwest Mary. He is definitely a guy who walks around the Guitar Center to random people

and says, you want me to tune that for you? No, we don't. We're not even on the schedule. His name is Jan Flato and he had an amazing experience which we chronicled and then he joined

our Facebook group and he became part of our show. And our hearts. And we learned a lot of truisms about Jan. We dig deep to find out.

There's a lot of things that maybe you don't know about him, but that we're right now going to sort of reveal to you now. For example, I don't know if you guys know this, but Jan Plato brings his Roomba with him on vacation. I did not know that. It's glorious. Jan Plato accidentally

fell asleep in a Walmart twice. Jan Plato once drove a Lime Sco scooter through a Trader Joe's screaming, Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker, on Christmas. Jan Plato was the only person to go 23 days on Naked and Afraid. Aren't you only supposed to go 22? He wanted to stay. So then they're like, you can put clothes on him, but he's like that. Jan Plato has his own line at the post office. I don't know what that means.

Jan Plato makes his own flip flops. And they're all slides. Jan Plato once cried during an episode of Burn Notice. If you look at it the right way, Jan Plato will pierce your ear. When Jan Plato checks in with the Applebee's hostess, they cut him off. He doesn't know how,

but Jan Plato has a yeast infection. When Jan Plato goes to the Caribbean, he braids other people's hair. Before Jan Plato could talk, he could wink. Jan Flato makes his own cleaning products and tries to sell them at farmer's markets. Hey, I can remember that. According to law, Jan Flato has to remain 500 yards from any Chick-fil-A. At the last barbecue Jan Flato attended, he was politely asked to stand away from the potato salad

because people were complaining that he was asking them, How creamy do you want it? Jan Plato starts all of his weekends by refilling Zippo lighters. And that's his side work. Hey, how do you do? Gotta get the side work done. That's right. Jan Plato taught his third dad how to shave.

Sometimes we learn lessons from our parents. For sure. For sure. According to Jan, he's a very underrated juggler. Jan Plato has varicose arms. Jan Plato is fructose intolerant. Jan Plato is currently paying for two Netflix accounts. Why would he do that. Why is he?

Why would he do that? Why would anyone? Jan Plato likes to cuddle before sex. Is that good? I've got one more. Amy, do you have one? Amy, do you have any? Jan Plato has a majority interest in a carnival. Yes.

There we go! That's a wrap. Thank you. Thank you. And yet he is a silent carpenter. Yes. There we go! That's a wrap up. And yet he is a silent partner. Yes. And because of it he really identifies with the show's succession. I like that.

You need to watch Succession. Oh yeah, that's right. All about passing on the family business. Alright, you guys ready to start this thing off? Let's bring out our first guest. He's amazing. He was recently on this show. He is hilarious. That is his only credit, is recently on this show. I mean, Tom goes to the mayor.

Tim and Eric. He was amazing in Us. Would you please welcome our friend, Tim Hyde. I love it. Why did Laura go get five microphones? I don't know. And Alcoholics Anonymous chairs. That's amazing. I love that Tim just greeted Amy

like they hadn't seen each other for five years and they were just hanging out right back there. I was in a joke. I said, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I heard it. That was a joke just for her. That's the beautiful thing about great comics like myself.

We enjoy the comedy, not for the audience. Some of them are just free. A lot of them are just free. Well, we believe that the world is getting dumber. just for you. A lot of them are just for you. We believe that the world is getting dumber. I know you did this show with us. You actually have figured out, and I told you this on the show last time, a way to understand that dumb at times can win

very easily. Dumb is winning. I just also want to say when you're talking to me and also being broadcast and amplified is a very strange experience. It's like somebody's standing. You're getting all this It's like somebody's standing right here but also yelling at me This is like everyone should have microphones in every TV show

And be amplified and stare deeply into each other's eyes and still be amplified What were you saying to me? I was just saying Dumb as many I know why. Amy there there's no monitors here. What? Well, there is for you. What?

Sorry. I wrote this one. You didn't write anything. But I was saying that dumb is winning. Do you agree? Dumb is winning in the world, yes. Very dumb. People are dumb.

I'm getting dumber just by being here. We're going to try and understand why people are getting dumb. And what we can do is fight back with comedy. And so our great friends send us stories. And we have one. Dan, you want to jump in one right away? We do. Jump in right away. Here we go.

This is, first of all, it's from 2001. Wow. The movie? We're going back. The movie. You guys should all have a script under your chair. We're going to do the third act of 2001. No lines.

I get to be the baby. Yes. It's almost like this stage. My God, it's full of stars. Well, I got my first groan. You can say it at Tim Heidecker on Twitter. I got my first groan. You can say it at Tim Heidecker on Twitter. Send all of your names.

For some reason, I accidentally deleted who sent this story to me. So I'm not great at my job. And I will profusely apologize to them on the next episode. You'll get ten times the shout out. You ready? Here's the headline, which is perfect for Dumb People Town. Okay. But I'm lucky to be here.

Nope. Yes. Anything could go before that sentence. But I'm lucky to be here? Yes. Yes. That's not a headline. Is that the first sentence? Maybe it's like a choose your own adventure headline.

I let my uncle take care of my kids, but I'm lucky to be here. Sure, the bullet hit me, but I'm lucky to be here. I climbed into the lion's cage, but I'm lucky to be here. All right, here we go. A Darwin man told... It's a man who believes in evolution. Which is the most ironic thing about this whole thing. Are you a Darwin guy or are you a God guy?

Come on, bro. Come at me, bro. A Darwin man told yesterday how his left arm was amputated after being bitten by a deadly snake. Okay.

Not a deadly snake. Exactly. by a deadly snake. Okay. Yep. I know... Not the deadly snake. No, exactly. Exactly. That's fair. Circle gets a square on that one. I'm going to take Paul Wynn for the block. Snake did not do his job.

No. Or her job. Here we go. Gordon Lyons. That is not his name. Great 70s songwriter. Wasn't he the boss on WKRP? No, that was Gordon.

Okay, sorry. Didn't he sing Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald? That was Gordon Lightfoot. Oh. Gordon Lyons said he almost died after his heart stopped three times on the operating table at a Royal Darwin hospital. Now, I know for anybody following along, we've done three shows at Largo. Two of them have contained snake stories.

But that's more of a problem with Dunn People Town than it is me. Honestly, there are just more snakes in this world right now. Oh, for sure. Bees are disappearing, snakes are growing. For sure. What was that? So he almost died, hard stopped three times on the operating table. Is this Australia?

Yep. Way to call it service. You know what, I'll take Jim J. Bullock. No. He spent seven weeks in a coma and was kept alive with a dialysis machine and a ventilator

after a King Brown bit his left arm two months ago. Now, if this is already this dark, think of how funny it must get.

It's going to get funny. It's going to get funny. If you're going to go this low and I'm still like, this works, we're going to go there. King I'm still like, this works. We're going to go there. I think Brown had one of those this morning.

Until Elvis died. And lived. And lived. Mr. Lyons, who is still not regaining movement in his legs, said doctors revived him three times on the operating table. That's just good writing when you say effect twice in the first paragraph.

Yes. He said, I'm lucky to be here right now. But I still can't believe... Are you about to cry? Yeah, to get emotional. I'm just thinking of all the kids who read this article and found out where their dad was.

But I still can't believe my arm's been chopped off just for one snake. That is dumb people talk. It doesn't matter, but she's worried that everybody's gonna make fun of her. Look, if it was three snakes, I'd get it! But one snake? I'll chop my arm off and I gotta go around telling everybody one thing did this shit to me? How am I going to go back to work? How are the guys going to respect me? Gordon, we'll give you a half a day. If it was three spaces. Here's the only way you don't respect him.

If he worked at a pencil. You know not to put your arm in the big king round. Throw the mouse over the top. Throw it over. Lock it in. Is there a snake? Is there a snake? Has anyone on this stage at any point in their life lived with or owned a snake?

No. My wife. Oh! Oh! Oh! How do you belong here? Then he goes on to say, I still have my life, and I guess that's the most important thing.

I'm not even sure! I'm not even sure! I guess. I guess. Wish I had a better reply. But it leaves out there, what would be a more important thing for him? I don't know.

I guess that's the most important thing. Maybe he was a guitar player. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't stop death from that. Okay, who groaned? Because you can leave. You've got a problem with deaf leopard jokes? Rock and roll

Hall of Fame members? And it is hysteria in here. And smart brothers. I'll send everything there. Mr. Lion says he was bitten by the snake, considered to be one of the most venomous

after he picked it up from the side of the road. No. That's not here. Why did you do that? Of course he fucking did. I was waiting for dumb guy picks up fucking snakes. That's what it should have been.

That's why the dummy picks up snakes. They're missing the gene in your head that says when you see a wiggly thing, like, no, no, no, I don't want anything. Drive over it is what I would do. I'll pick it up. Hey, is it snipe? No.

The only real question is did he see it when he stopped to pee or did he back up a quarter mile after thinking about it? You know what? Both. I went to pee at the snake site. He picked it up on the side of the road.

Mr. Lyons, who admitted he was drunk at the time. Yes! Why are we even dignifying him with a mister? Hey! Go back in a little bit. I want to see something. Get over here. Go back.

I want to see if I can pet it. You fucked up the Garden of Eden, you little fucker. I'm all into it. No, no, no, no! I'mma hug you. I can tell when they're friendly. I can tell when they're friendly. You gotta grab him behind the neck. You gotta make yourself big. You gotta make yourself big and growl. They can't get up on their tails.

That's a King Brown. You're a king, you fucking royalty. Let's see, what is he? He was drunk at the time. Said he and a mate had been driving from Mandora to Darwin when they saw it. So he does have a friend with him who did not say no.

Don't do that. Do it! He said, So he does have a friend with him who did not say no to that. I want to pick up his snake. Do it! He said, I remember the... Oh, jeez. He said, quote, I remember the guys at Mandora Pub wanted something to put in their huge fish tank. Number one, that would drown his day. Right.

Number two... It would drown his day. Right. Number two... It was a gift snake. And he's gonna transport it. He looked a gift snake in the mouth. Literally, in his fucking arm. I'm gonna pay this forward. I thought it was an eel. I thought it was an out of the ocean eel.

Desert eel. Dry eel. Desert eel. That's an old desert eel. I wasn't out of the ocean, either. Dessert ale. Dessert ale. That's an old dessert ale. That's a dessert ale over here. That's grody noggy. This falls into the category of when a person's drunk, they just remember the most random shit, like, hey, the pub needs a fucking snake.

Or like, maybe like three weeks ago, someone in this room was drunk, was like, I gotta get my mom a Mother's Day card. I'm not forgetting this year. You know his friend, as he's picking up the snake, is like, what pup? There's a pup. There's a pup that they wanted. Was he driving? That's my question. Drunk enough to pick up a snake and say, let me find it.

So he remembers that the pub wanted something to put in their huge fish tank, which means he heard a conversation where somebody was like, guys, anything. Let's just put anything in. But I made the stupid mistake of grabbing it with my left hand

because this is his rationale. This is why it was stupid. I made the stupid mistake of grabbing it with my left hand because I was holding my this is why it was stupid I made the stupid mistake of grabbing it with my left hand because I was holding my beer in my right like I get mad when just someone won't put their beer down to like bowl yeah this guy's like, oh my god. So that's how he knew he screwed up.

So you're suggesting the snake wouldn't have bitten him on the other arm? Yeah. That's the right handed snake right there. It's his snake hand. Right, his right hand is his snake hand. That is his right hand. I mean, but the tattoo on the other hand. That is his snake hand.

He likes to keep his snake hand strong. I had its head in my hand, but it got loose and grabbed the web of my left hand. Its fangs were that big, it ripped my hand open. Wow. It's a King Brown. I tore it,

is a quote, I tore it off me and put it in a plastic bag and threw it in the back of the car. His hand or the snake? Both. Oh, okay. I mean, it's holding on to him. I just love that he's like, the fucking pump needs you! I know, so... Alright, I get it, you're mad, you're mad.

So it's become a battle for the worst Australian accent. That's right. And we're all winning. We're going down and down. He's actually winning. New Zealand. New Zealand is winning. I literally, like, if my kids go near anything in nature, I'm just like, that's poisonous.

Don't touch it. About a bird, anything, I'm like, get away from it, because now I'm amping that up because of this. You don't do that. You've got to let them play in poison ivy at some point. I will let them play in poison ivy. Bring them up to the cabin. We'll tell you, there's a lot

of good poison ivy up there. He doubles down here. He puts it in a plastic bag after he rips it off of his hand and throws it in the back of the car. You know, how much farther you're going to drive than a snake in the backseat. For some stupid reason.

Could be anything, right guys? I'm still here. I stuck my hand back in the bag. I stuck my hand back in the bag. You think you got me? It's like Lieutenant Dan in a storm. He's just cheering it on.

I stuck my hand back in the bag and it must have smelled blood or just saw a hand. Or do you want to be in a fucking plastic bag? And it must have smelled blood because it bit me another how many times? Okay, now, all of us at DraftKings play. You are our guests, Amy and Tim. Do you want to go first, Tig, Kurt, or Thor? For those of you listening at home, Tim has taken his two fingers and created snake pain. He's also ripped his hand open!

And he's repeatedly biting his own hand. I'm going to say three. I'm going to say three. You want to go first? Yeah. Okay, how many? I'm going three. Three for me. Okay, who wants to go, Tig? I'll go second.

Okay. Seven. Five bid. Five. Five for James. I think go seven. Okay. Five bid. Five. I think a bid of ten times. Ten times for Andy. The first five, he was like, what's going on? Also, who's counting?

That's why he's got his friend. Hey! That's four, you son of a bitch! You want nine more? Let's go! He counted the holes, huh? Okay, mine's... Okay, we can count the holes and divide it by two. Alright. Okay, two Tommy's up. Who would like to make a guess? Alright, right here, say your name. Hi, Zach. Hi, Zach. Welcome to town. Zach Galifianakis, everybody.

What is your guess, Zach? Four. Four, okay. And then right back here. What say your name. Zach. Hi Zach, welcome to town. Zach Galifianakis, everybody. Boast. From Rome. What is your guess, Zach? Four. Four, okay. And then right back here. What's your name? Jill. Hi Jill, welcome to town. What is your guess? Seven.

Seven. Nice. Seven years. Seven. Alright, just one more. Wasn't that my name? Yes. So you guys are in lucky seven?

Lucky seven. One of you guys is only one number off. Oh. Signed out. Lucky second. One of you guys is only one number off. I think it is me. It must have smelled blood. Because it then bit me another eight times. Oh, wow! Oh, wow! Me too!

Eight? That means, if you're keeping track, we're at nine times. Total. And he's like, you took off the arm for that? Yeah. Just when you thought this story was done. Here we go. Well, it's like having three snakes

bite you three times. That's right. You can tell anyone that. How do you mean? Dude, show your math, Amy, for Christ's sake. I'm trying to pull that shit on you. What the hell happened to you, Gordon? Nine snakes bit me once.

Nine snakes?! Nine! You survived nine snakes? You trying to find the Ark of the Covenant? What are you doing with nine snakes? I'm not some plastic thing. I know. Oh... Mr. Lyons, just start calling him Gore.

At this point, there's no reason to be formal. Or dummy. Just go with that. Or at this point, because his hand is called Gore. Mr. Lyons, after being bitten nine times, eight consecutively, immediately,

just before this... It's a lot of biting. It takes like, it's a long time. I know, the first time you Okay, you got me. Come on, stop it. Okay, that's twice. I don't like it, but I want, I'm trying to I'm trying to make a peace offer here.

Okay, that's six. We're gonna pull over. If you don't stop biting, we're pulling over. You think I wanna go here? So you made your mom cry. You happy now? We're turning around. Diane, let's go.

We're turning back. Turn back? Bite my ass. He shouldn't have closed the plastic bag when he put his hand in it. He tied it up. He's getting it out. He can't get it out. Man, why did he go back with his left?

I know. He should've gone with the right hand. Still is holding the beer. Foster's is a very big deal. Holding the beer, knees dragging the wheel. Mr. Lyons said that after being bitten eight times, he began vomiting and suffering from diarrhea, quote, about three seconds later. I don't know if it's that fast.

I bet you it is. It's like a Tim Whitehead show. You think his friend was like, alright fine, the snake I get, but please don't shit in my car. For these purposes, Gordon Lyons does not own a car. No. It's not a bad thing. Yeah. He said, quote,

My mate was trying to keep me awake by whacking me in the head and pouring beer on me. So he's a doctor. So he's a doctor. For his friend, his friend's having a blast. I know.

That should be man loses arm and friend. Man loses arm, friend has blast. He wakes up from a coma, his friend drew a dick on his head. Yeah. Trying to say

as soon as you lose, bro. Mr. Lyons said his last memory was passing out covered in blood at the Nunama Hotel moments before being taken by ambulance to the Royal Darwin Hospital, which means they took him to the hotel first. Hey, we gotta check in first. No, guys, they do cookies and wine at 430. I'm not in there right now. You don't want to miss it. Cookies and wine. There is no high level wine. What is this Chardonnay parallel?

And there's the Toll House. Toll House. You reach the point in the show where you forget I'm from Rochelle. Oh, sorry, sorry. Don't you just love that he went back to the hospital and his friend was probably like, do you really need to go to the hotel? And he was like, do you really need to go to the hospital?

Does your dad make him a deal? I'll drive you if you're gonna... RDH specialist physician Bart Curry I've never heard a doctor name that. Said the venom had caused severe damage to Mr. Lyons muscles which led to his left arm turning black and becoming quote dead. I'll tell you this, your arm's dead. Put that in a plastic bag and throw it in the back seat. Can you explain to me why there's welts all over your face and you smell like beer?

That was Jeff over there. Can you explain to me why there's welts all over your face and you smell like beer? Yeah. That was Jeff over there. Mr. Curry said, just call him Bert. Bert said, of all the snake bites in Australia I'm aware of, this man has the sickest to have ever survived. I thought you were starting to say like a romantic comedy line. Of all the snake bites in Australia, you had to come in on this one I mean would it be out of line for WP for somebody to fall in love with a snake oh my god to marry a snake and get divorced yeah what did you say actually no just legally separate snake still got custody it'll take a long time and a lot of rehabilitation before he has full muscle improvement.

Territory snake expert, which I hope means that guy is extremely territorial. Territory snake expert is just a guy who knows a lot about snakes. That is not an official position. That's like a guy who, like, some people are talking about snakes and he just kind of comes up out of nowhere and is like, Someone's talking about snakes Someone say snakes! How do you say this name? G-R-A-E-M-E Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham? Graham at the actions that led to the bite. Mr. Gao said the only time any snake would attack was if it was provoked by a drunk person. Yeah, who kept saying, what are you going to do?

What the fuck are you going to do, snake? That's so bad. They said that Mr. Gao said that Mr. Lyons was extremely lucky to be alive and that he owed his life to the Royal Darwin Hospital doctors. Mr. Gao said it is simply a miracle. It's a credit to the workers at RDH. Mr. Gao said, it is simply a miracle. It's a credit to the workers at RDH.

Mr. Gao said, you need to learn to write. The King Brown was listed as the 21st most venomous snake. Only the 21st? Not even in the top 20? Yes. Dan, can I make a joke that's going to make you groan and angry? Yes. 100%.

Please. And this guy paid an arm and an arm for this. Nate, can I make a joke that's going to make you groan and angry? Yes, please. 100%. I went, and this guy paid an arm and an arm for this. Well, just an arm. Just an arm. He paid an arm. He paid an arm. Okay, I'm going to show you guys a picture. I hope they executed that snake.

What's that? I hope they executed the snake. Oh, no! That snake's living it up in a pub as we see it. He's a fish. Fish snake. Fish snake. They were like, how the fuck could we get Gordon to stop?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No! That snake's living it up in a pub as we sit. He's a fish in a puddle. They were like, how the fuck can we get Gordon to stop coming to this bar? That snake's a fucking hero. Bring it in, bring it in. I'm gonna show you this picture. If he doesn't look like a pissed off Pablo Escobar, minus one arm, then I failed all of them. Okay, let's see. Oh my God.

What kind of... Well, it's in a wheelchair. I mean, I get it. You lost an arm, not a leg. It looks like he had an exchange with a person from other regions, from Deadwood, right? Also, they were like, you want to leave the hospital in the swimsuit you came in on?

Got all my stuff. Let's go! This is Jeremy Irons best word, my love, Jeremy. They're like, you're getting out of here today, do you need the wheelchair? Yup. Do you really need the wheelchair? I've lost an arm, why do you ask me that? Do you want to put shoes on?

The fun thing too, we'll put this on the Facebook page, but there's like minor headlines and one of the two of them is just stupid. That's story number one. Story number one! Want to read some names? Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Want to read some names?

Let's read some of our amazing Patreon names. Look, if you guys support our show through Patreon, we are so grateful. We give you extra content. As you go up through the levels, you get access to live shows and merch. And then if you're at the highest level, we will break down your social media and give your social media, your own personal self, the Dumb People Town process. The Dumb People Town treatment. All right, let's get into some names. Alexi Jane Sevta? Am I right?

The Jade Cata Preta? Jade Cata Preta. Alexi Jane Kevta? I think it's Sevta, but it's written with, I don't even know. I before E, except after C, except as in way. Do I don't even know. I before E and SEPTA after C. SEPTA's in way. Do either one of you know what those symbols mean? No.

I think it means two more weeks of summer. Yeah. How about Kamal? Okay, Scott. Well, you're Kamal. Great Scott to us. Is it Kamal? Yeah.

Okay. Okay, it's Scott. No, Kamal. Okay, Scott. How about Brad Jackson? Brad Jackson. Middle linebacker. Mark Felizzi.

It's Mark Felizzi. I love it. Mark Felizzi. You got it, Mark Felizzi. Guys, we've got a green. No lead. We've got a grand green. Guys, we've got a grand green.

Is it Dan or is it Grant Green? That's your question. And he is a pillar. Am I right? Double G. City Council. City Council. Thank you so much.

Grant Green. I love it. Double G. Christine Ebersole. Thank you for your family doing everything for NBC Sports. Really appreciate it. Take Ebersole on her phone. Justin Arthur Roth.

It sounds like you've got to talk about him like you have it go south. You just saw the Muhammad Ali Justin Arthur Roth. How about this next one? J-A-R J-A-R Scooter Rollins. Scooter Rollins is like a minor league baseball player

who's just one of the best utility players in the history of minor leagues. Scooter Rollins. Thank you. How about Mark Babin or Babin? Babin. Babin or Babin? It's not two B's, so I think it might be Mark Babin. Mark Babin. Maba. Maba. Mark Babin. Thanks, Mark. Mark Babin. Elrose.

Elrose Hubbard. Changing things up. How about Tammy Gleason? Tammy Gleason. Hey, is Tammy Gleason going out to the lake this weekend? She'll be there this whole summer, right? She's lifeguarding. All right.

How about G.A. Foster? G as in? G.A. G.A. I think it's G.A. Foster. G.A. Foster or G.A. Foster. G.A. Foster. Yeah.

How about Rebecca Campbell? Hi, Rebecca. Simple, classic. Chunky soup. I love it. How about Bobby and Jeremy Moss? Oh, Jeremy Moss He's been a great supporter

I know City Council members On Twitter He is very active and supports us Thank you, my man To the Mosses You guys Loud and proud

I love you, Bobby and Jeremy Thank you so much Speaking of loud How about Nancy McLeod? Nancy McLeod Was she caught at a rest stop in Florida? No, that's a different person Nancy McLeod

Corey Demers Little Corey Demers Corey Demers Was she caught at a rest stop in Florida? No, that's a different person. Nancy McLeod. Corey Demers. Little Corey Demers. Corey Demers. Corey Demers is a shooting guard for like St. Joseph's. I think Corey Demers. St. Bonaventure. Corey Demers won the Pinewood Derby three years in a row, then lost, then won again. Corey Demers.

Martin Corvino. Martin Gorvino. Gorvino. Gorvino. Martin Gorvino. I love it. Martin Gorvino. Thank you to everybody who supports us.

Huge Grant Green, Bobby and Jeremy Moss. You guys are awesome. We love you Patreon supporters. If you haven't supported the show, this is a great time to do it. Just go to patreon.com slash dumbeopletown and you can sign up right there. Get all the extra stuff and we hope you enjoy it. Thank you guys so much. Let's get back to the show.

You could not play the guitar with just one arm, am I right Amy? No. No, so she doesn't handle sleeves. You would manage that. What if you didn't have a capo? Could you play the guitar? It's like losing an arm, Tim, if you don't have a capo. Sorry, friend. Dumbest hostile, most hostile question.

Super-excited guitar-baseball. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, Frank. Most hostile question. Super excited guitar baseball guys. This song is from my depressing musical.

This is not quite as depressing. This is about the, this is sung by the doctor who admits the main character into the mental institution based on a 15 minute talk.

And so he's going to come out and do some vaudevillian tap dancing about how he only needs 15 minutes to diagnose a lady. And that is all I need to make the call Give me fifteen, give me fifteen, give me fifteen And it's women are so simple after all In the time it takes to walk around the block I can't have you scheduled for a leg draw shot for a leg draw shot

give me fifteen give me fifteen give me fifteen minutes maybe you're unhappy or depressed but only fifteen only fifteen only fifteen I can diagnose before you get undressed

guess you really have to have a special touch Yes, you really have to have a special touch Of course it helps if you don't really care that much Ladies, can you hear me? You're coming here looking like some bad bitch here Some boss should be It doesn't even phase me Cause there's a couple boxes, several pointed boxes Put the chickens in, you're feminine

You're crazy Give me fifteen, give me fifteen, give me fifteen I'll allow you when a lady at a glance But only fifteen, only fifteen, only fifteen You're committed for the crime of liking pants Women who complain about the Divercy Sing a different tune With their own Chorus

So give me Fifteen Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Thank you. All right, welcome back to Go People's Town.

One of our guests is the great Tim Heidecker, so I'm going to have him here. How about it for Tim Heidecker? We're going to keep it going by bringing out our second guest. This gentleman is someone that we love. He's so funny. He's so funny. He's so talented. He's made me laugh so many times on the moving pictures. Yes.

And he's a great singer. By the way, all three guests we have tonight, Tim, your music is fantastic. Thank you so much. I love your songs. I love your songs. Your songs are some of the best. Your song about Trump being, call himself 6'3", or just lying about it. Oh yeah, so beautiful. I'll be as tall as I want to be.

I'll be as tall as I want to be. It's a fucking beautiful song. More than the fact that he'll lie about anything. This next gentleman, again, a fantastic musician and singer and actor. Please welcome John C. Reiter. That's you. There's a partial standing or ditching there. Yeah. They were just stretching. I think those guys were stretching but still went down there. Would you guys at least want to get up and stretch?

Yeah! I mean, John Sirata is here. John Sirata. Look at this guy, he's stretched his wrist. I'm on Kaepernick. I kneeled. I kneeled when you guys stood up. Is it kneeled? No. DJ is kneeling to protest police brutality. Relax. I'm so sorry. Come on! Jan Flato kneels during O Canada. Okay, we're off then.

I wanted to just do one of John C. Reilly's credits. Just like you know him from Step Brothers. John C. Reilly! Good night, Fred. Good night. Worried that they didn't know who I was? My second thought, you didn't do enough in the intro. I didn't do enough.

I realize you guys have a swing vote for this show. So the show is called Dumb People Town which means that everyone who tunes in thinks, well, I'm smart. By the way, smart is relative in this town. And a good number of those people are smart. Yes. But there are some among them.

Yes. Who actually do dumb things themselves. Of course. They're the swing voters. That's right. People who think they're smart but actually do dumb things themselves. Of course. They're the swing voters. That's right. You know who thinks they're smart, but actually do dumb things. Of course.

You know who you are. They're here to edit. Or maybe you don't know. You're that dumb. But yes, they are. They're among us. I mean, this podcast is meant to make people feel better about themselves.

Right, Dan? Not to people's stories. It's like reverse WebMD. You come to us when you want to feel better about yourself. I want a lot of people with bad commutes or going through their life to listen to the show and be like, Well, at least I didn't do that today. That's right. Well, we have another story, John. Should we jump into another story?

Can I just comment on the last story? Yes, please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But fuck snakes. Yeah, me too. Fuck snakes. I'm proud of you. I have the courage to say that. Here's why.

So an alligator, if you fuck with an alligator and try to pick up an alligator by the tail and it bites you, it will bite you, pull you into the water, twist you around, and feast on you until you are gone. Yes. A snake, you fuck with a snake and it wants to kill you. And then it won't eat you. Just kill you and bye-bye! What other animal does that? The other one is... it consumes you.

If you fuck with a tiger, the tiger eats you. So you're saying an alligator's attack on a human is more eco-friendly than it gets rid of the body? Yes, but I've seen American snakes who are like, I don't fucking care, I'm done with it. There's a whole bunch of meat over there if you don't fucking care, I'm done with it. There's a whole bunch of meat over there if you want it, it's got my poison in it. There is a little bit of... Bulk snakes. John C. Reilly's asshole meter for animals is how well do you clean up.

Do you litter your carcasses? Are you part of the circle of life? Yes. Are you part of the problem? Right? Thank you. A totally unfuckable animal is snake. Yes. I mean, I...

It's a really good story too. That's a pet that loves. I want to check that out. Really subtle and beautiful. Yes. I actually was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic.

I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was in the Greek Republic. I was some Python gloves I wanted to check out. Really subtle and beautiful. I actually was in the Griffith Park here in Los Angeles with my dog one time, and I thought it was a hot day, and I thought, oh, I'll sit down here. And there was a low-hanging bush with a branch on it. I was like, oh, perfect bench. And I went to go sit down with my dog on the leash, and at the last second, he'd do the thing like,

will I sit on anything? And he'd give that little glance back. And there's a full-grown rattlesnake going, rrrr! Not open, ready to pounce. And the swish goes off in your head when you see a snake like that, which is like this caveman's,

which is, rrrr! And I swear to god I must have been like a hundred yards away dog like flying through the air before I started to say to myself, snakes are not that fast calm down

calm down, I'm not there anymore. How about the people who are just jogging going like, what the fuck is wrong with John Cena? Now that's some diarrhea. What the fuck? Calm down. That 40 time is great. I don't know if he ran a 4-6-40 with his dog.

Part of me feels like we're doing this show for some other people somewhere, but I want to say to you folks here tonight, I'm here for you, Mary. People listening to this right now, I'm going to ask how your good time will insert me in. That's the right. That's the right question. Us tonight, you got me? That's it. Alright, let's get in the alley. Let's get in the alley. No, they're paying for all the people listening. You got me? You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me.

You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me.

You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me.

You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. You got me. Sorry. I love that John said that to the crowd. Noah, can you cut that out in the end? Noah's from my doing her tour, her Christmas tour that I love to connect with. Let's connect on a new story, Dan. You ready to do one? Here we go.

Sent in by C.M. Dugan, at C.M. Dugan on Twitter. The guy's an amazing artist. He's a great member of this town. I will say four words that should make all of us happy. We've got a Greenlee. Yes. A Greenlee.

What's the strongest to you? Tim has played the Greenlee game before. You have played the Greenlee. So, Will Greenlee is a journalist, I use in quotes, for the TC Palm in Florida. Now, it is our, Jason and my belief that Will Greenlee always has 1,500 words to fill. He writes the stories and gets to about 900 and realizes he's got essentially 600 more words to fill. So, he will explain things. Every paper I ever wrote in my life.

Right. It's that. Like a burger too, baby. He will explain things that don't need to be explained. Very simple things. In one story he explained how an anchor works. That's true. And I thought that weighed the story down a little bit. It did weigh it down. You drive every man squadron. Stop. John loved it. It's like a drug and a squadron.

Stop. John loved it. John loved it. He told us what peanut butter and jelly is. Yes. So he's differentiated between liquor and beer before, so we would know what that was. It's all about the word count. I know. That's what I think.

But some people say that he's just writing to the dumbest person who would be reading it. That's what I think. So Dan, we play a little game. Dan will write his own over explanations of things. We have to guess whether Will Greenlee did it or Dan did it. So, it is

very difficult to do because Dan is so good. And I will say this. There was one time we were doing the show and all of them were Will Greenlee. There was another time he did it all of them were Dan. So you never was another time he did it, all of them were Dan. So you never know. Can we have a sample Greenlee? That's so we know we have a meme. Oh, you'll get into it right away. He's not going to make it that easy. He might out of the gates try to fool you, but go ahead.

Here we go. You know what I love about doing these shows at Longo or anywhere live? I can feel how excited he is. We have ourselves a green light. St. Lucie County. A man arrested after a traffic accident, found with a bag of urine, according to an affidavit. Andrew Hartman gave the explanation of the odd item to St. Lucie County Sheriff's investigators after a March 12th crash at Kings Highway and Angle Road. If you

have any run-in with the cops, your first thing is like, don't ask me about the urine. Do not ask me about the urine. Please, I hope he doesn't find it bad. Hartman. Sir, how you doing tonight? I have urine in this car. Shit. Didn't ask you about that.

Didn't ask you at all. Sir, you having a good night? The roundabout question. Sir, you having a good night tonight? There's a bag of urine in this car. Sir, you know what I pulled you over for? Is it the urine? Andrew Hartman declined medical attention, because it's dumb people town, and officials

observed the at-fault driver, which is him, to have constricted pupils and believed he may be intoxicated, the affidavit states. Hartman, of Port St. Lucie, participated in field sobriety exercises don't ever do that, guys.

And was arrested on a charge of DUI with property damage. In Hartman's vehicle, deputies found a bag with, quote, fake urine in it. And then he just writes, the bag smelled of marijuana. Which is it, Will? What? And also it's in quotes. Wouldn't that make it real urine? Yes, fake urine. That's my fake urine.

There are quotes. Urine? The hell is going on? All right. I'm going to find out. Urine is the liquid in dissolved substances secreted by kidneys and stored in the bladder. Urine is discharged from the body via the urethra, typically into a toilet. Or a plastic bag in this case.

Pomod or urinal. Who wrote an explanation for what urine is? Was it green or was it greenling? It feels like a solid greenling. She's so right, that's greenling all the way. I'm going to go counter programming and say that you just made that up. Plus, talking about where it goes? That was the extra line.

I don't think it's explaining urine if you really think it's going to know where it goes. Plus, you explain urine, everyone knows where it goes. He's got 60 years? Once you explain urine, everyone knows where it goes. I don't know. It's in the bag in his car. Tim? I'm going with John. I think urethra is the tell. I don't think you type urethra. Tim, urethra is always the tell.

I'm going to go with grainy. That really feels the same to me. Three grainy's and two and two gays on the stage. Are there two townies that would like to play along anywhere in the audience right now? Right here, what's your name? Lacey. Lacey, what's your answer? Danbury Curtain. Okay. Anybody else? Confident. That'll do it. Alright. Here we go. The person who wrote that, and now a new little wrinkle for live shows, I will be hitting the slide and we can see who it was.

Me or Greenlee at the exact time I say it. wrinkle for live shows, I will be hitting the slide and we can see who it was. Me or Greenlee at the exact time I say it. The person who thinks that you don't know what urine is and where it goes is Will Greenlee. Oh! Take a good look at James Spader's cousin. He writes about urethra as quite a bit. In this picture, and we'll put it up on the Facebook page, in this picture he looks like he just fucked a snake. Yeah.

And it's like, when he gets excited, that little psychic brain up there on his forehead just starts to really go... Nice. He may have got that right. He has human skin suits in his basement. Yeah. No, he's just a guy who gets paid by the word. That's... He's a jerk.

Investigators say the accident occurred when Hartman lost control while turning onto Southbound Kings Highway and crashed into a stationary semi-tractor trailer. A semi-trailer is a trailer without a front axle. In the United States, the term is also used to refer to the combination of a truck and a semi-trailer. Who wrote that? Dana Winkirk or Will Greenlee? Amy? I mean, it feels too good to be true. And yet I'm going Greenlee. I'm going down. I think that's Dan. I don't doubt it's you there's not enough stupid explanations for time once you go urethra

and commode toilet and you have a hole in the ground what if someone does that and if it's possible John Cena it's possible it seems relatively normal but I've read something like that.

You know, like the Idiot's Herald or something. Can you repeat it? Nope. Also known as USA Today, by the way. Oh yeah, Idiot's Herald, USA Today. You're joking, but he actually does write for USA Today. He busted open that Robert Kraft story. Do you want me to read it again?

Wait, John didn't pick. It's a greenly... A semi-trailer is a trailer without a front axle. In the United States, the term is used to refer to the combination of a truck and a semi-trailer. Yeah, it's kind of boring. You're saying it's not Greenlee-esque? No, it doesn't have that sort of...

Genesee of Greenlee. Yeah. Was that urethra in the USA today? No. It was a palm one. I'll stumble down and say it was you. I just love that somewhere,

and I hope Greenlee listens to this podcast, that there's a moment in his life where somewhere, like thousands of miles across this country, John C. Reilly just said, I'm on a stage somewhere, that's got to be Greenlee. That is so great. I think it's a great movie.

Okay. Is there a townie who would like to play along? Anywhere in the audience. Right there. Danny. What's your name? I'm Patrick. Hi, Patrick.

It's a dad. Thank you. I'm the only one who thought so. The person who wants you to know that a semi-trailer is a trailer without a front axle. In the United States, the firm has also used to refer to the combination of a truck and a semi-trailer. The person who wrote that and wants you to know that information is me.

Yes, I'm your J.D. Wiggy for a birthday cake. Thank you. A lot of smart people are 0 for 2 on this game. This is what's an understanding of it. There it is! A lot of smart people are 0 for 2 on this game. A lot of smart people. This is what's another standing ovation. There it is! He won! He's done!

Alright, look at that. That's people's wine. I knew. You know why I knew? Uh, no, just kidding. What game is Dan about to play on this game? He's about to get a birthday cake. I drink all my birthday cakes in a straw by a river. He's getting a blowjob and he's trying to look... Just look normal, just stay still.

Oh, it's too weird! Just stay fucking still and do it again. Don't breathe, Don't breathe! The weird thing is he's standing. It's a very tall table. It's a very high table. It's a high table. It's like in a bar. It's like, you know, basically after the invention of the standing desk at work, they came up with the standing picnic table just so that people, when they're picning, feel like, I don't want to sit down in a picnic too much. I feel like the caption for that photo of myself is, I've been good all day!

How many times did Dan say to the person taking the picture, Should I put the hands on the table? On the table or off? Let me do it off. I don't feel like under the table. Just put them on the table. Alright, I'll put them on and I'll look natural. But I want to go under.

I could goof on that a lot longer. Maybe you'll get a chance. Maybe you'll get another chance. Ask why he had fake urine in his work bag. At some point, this became a work bag. It's a work trip. Sir, why do you have urine in the bag? First of all, it's my work bag.

It's my work bag. I'm sorry. I'm? First of all, it's my work bag. It's my work bag. I'm sorry, are you referring to my work bag? I love when someone's done something wrong and the person questioning them makes a little mistake with what they're questioning and then suddenly that person goes, oh, oh, oh, this interrogation now, you're going to call my work bag a regular bag? Right. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were misnaming bags in the car. You don't think I have a job? Yes, I just got laid off, but you don't think I could have a job?

Yeah, work bag still works. You can have a work bag and still be unemployed. That's why, I think this is a perfectly logical reason for the bag of urine, by the way. Which is? Because he's just like a fucking prepper, you know? Because he's just like a fucking prepper, you know? Like, uh... I'm gonna tap you on, I'm gonna get real drunk. Here's how I'm gonna add smartness to it.

Bring in a bag of clean piss. If they said it was piss in the cup, I'd just squeeze out the bag. Did they say it was fake urine, though? How do we define it as fake urine? What makes it urine? In quotes, I don't know. It's a product. It's because the police thought it was fraudulent that he had urine. What did you say again?

It's a product that they sell so people can pass drug tests. Fake urine. Oh, come on. How smart are people down over here? Jesus Christ. Or somebody who takes a lot of tests. What are we doing here? What are we doing here?

Amy, how many steaks does it take to fill up that bag of fake urine? Boo! Amy's job at Circuit City was on the line, and she passed that test. Amy then comes in with her own PowerPoint presentation. Now, if you guys want to meet at drug tests, you know what I mean. Let me tell you how you can have financial freedom. With fake urine. I'll stand up too. You know you mean it.

I'll tell you what it means. Okay, here we go. Asked why he had fake urine in his work bag, Hartman told deputies, quote, him and his wife liked to role play, and it was a novelty item, the affidavit states. What?

Role playing is the act of imitating... roleplay, and it was a novelty item, the affidavit states. Roleplaying is the act of imitating... Roleplaying is the act of imitating the character and behavior of someone who is different from yourself. For example, as a training exercise, or in this case, for romantic reasons. Who wrote that?

Will Greenlee or Daniel Van Curran? I'm going to stick with Greenlee. It's got a certain that? Will Greenlee or Daniel van Kerk? I'm gonna stick with Greenlee. It's got a certain same tune. Greenlee all the way. John? You know I've liked to roller skate and sometimes when we roller skate they change the direction of the thing. And everything feels wrong. Everything's relative. The cat is sleeping with the dogs. It was just arbitrary before, maybe it's arbitrary now. That's how I feel about this answer. That fucking urethra has spun me so hard. It shook you. To the core. To the core. I already don't understand the fucking world right now.

And this guy, right under our noses. I mean, that urethra, that was you, like, figuratively almost sitting on a rattlesnake. Yeah. Tell me what to say, Tim. I'm saying it's a green leaf. Okay, I'm going green leaf. That's right. I'm going to be the one to say to you, I think that's Dan.

Okay. Okay. Is there a town you would like to play? All right, right here. What's your name? Kristen. Hi, Kristen. Welcome to town.

Green leaf. Greenlee. Greenlee? Okay. She knows. Roleplaying is the act of imitating the character and behavior of someone who is different from yourself. For example, as a training exercise, or in this case, for romantic reasons. The person who wrote that is... me. Yeah!

That's right. I'm not going to lie to you, that felt great. Dave, you realize by doing this game, you're going to get a job at the TC Palmer. They're just going to give you a job as a journalist. What do you think I got into comedy for? A job as a streamer at the TC Palmer. I want to be a Coast Florida journalist. Thanks a lot, Tim.

Well, so... I thought it was a practical, helpful explanation. I don't know. Many people don't know. Screwed me. I got three. Three or four. O for three.

Yes, O for three. But Harkin's wife told deputies he was required to take a drug test at work. She denied knowing anything about the faux urine. I don't even know if she's in the car or they called her and she's like, whatever he said is a fucking lie. We don't role play. He wants to, we will not do it. She threw him under the fake urine bus. I said, if we get married, I'd think about it. I did not say we'd do it. What did he tell you? It's in his work bag.

What is this sexual role-playing element of your being his play bag? But you know what? My dirty work bag. When your work is what you love, you're playing your whole life. My work bag, I play back. You can't tell the officers, that's my work bag, please do not go near my play bag. My play bag's in the trunk, you need a warrant for that, cause I listen to a Jay-Z song and I know my rights. Listen, fresh piss is available when I do kinky things, but you're like, why are you carrying it ahead of time? What's the wall, what's the wall that needs urine?

A nurse at an Olympic testing center? I don't know. Who are you being like, you be Lance Armstrong, I'll be... I will ask you for a sample. Let's pretend I'm a guy that gets turned on by being pissed on. There you go. Just to see how that feels. Yeah, let's pretend. Let's pretend.

I don't know if you can imagine, like, she puts it in a bucket and puts it on the door so when you come to her, she's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's what you can tell her. It really turns me on. So Hartman's wife told deputies that Hartman was required to take a drug test at work. She denied knowing anything about the faux urine. Tests of urine can determine whether a person has drugs in their system. Was that written by Will Greenlee or me?

I just don't understand anything. Who thinks that you don't know? Just that last one. Tests of urine can determine whether a person has drugs in their system. Yeah. Who thinks that you don't know? Dan, you've done such a good job. Just that last one. Yeah. Tests of urine can determine whether a person has drugs in their system. I'm going to stick with Greenlee because it's almost a useful piece of... It's pretty short. It's short.

It's almost merited. I'm going to say Dan. Okay. I'm not. I just want it to be over. I'm confused on it. It's not going to be over that quick. My answer is something.

Something else. over. It's not video, but I said it. My answer is something. Something else happened. Okay.

Well, don't worry about it, because right now it's couples skate. That's right. Let's find out who the first order are.

I think it's you, Dan. Okay. I think that's Green, Dan. Okay. I meant Screenly. Okay. One townie out there? Anybody? Alright.

Here we go. There's a townie right there! Sorry, sorry. What's your name? Tim. Hi, Tim. Hey, Tim. It's Greenland.

Okay. There's only one townie in a town. That's weird. It's like... You know, I don't... Take your time. Take your time. You know, they're not even choosing. Take your time. Take your time. You know, they're not even choosing. It chooses them.

Yeah, it does. Test of urine can determine whether a person has drugs in their system. The person who wanted you to know that was... Will Green. Oh! Yes! Very good, John. Very good, John.

That's what I was going to say. I know. That is what you said. That is what you said. Good call, John. This is where Will really starts to stretch. I mean, it's the end, but he wants to do some victory. Instead of showering Hartman with praise or giving him

a golden star, deputies took him to a hospital. Hartman declined to give a blood or urine sample to the deputies I got a whole fucking bag what do you need? quote, things stay in your system for a long time Hartman is quoted as saying

we will get out of this story with a little game we like to call guess the agey how old do you think that this Hartman man, where did I put that? Andrew Hartman. How old do you think he is based off this?

This is one of Babyman's favorite games. I love this. I love this crime. I'm going to say 43. 43 for Babyman. Into role playing. If you want to play along your time, get your hand ready to race. So two long enough so his wife is a little fed up with his antics. He's got a work bag.

He's got a work bag. Work bag is mid-30s. You can't go the long way. And you know his work bag, the zipper on the top, does not work. No, that's worth a year. That's worth a year. Wide open thing.

Swiss Army bag. I'm gonna say... He's got... Oh, go ahead. Can I say 36 please? Go ahead and say 36. 36. I'm gonna say he has one filled out W2 form from two years ago. Still in the work. I was gonna say 37.

Okay. 36, 37. What's him? 43. 9. Oh, there's always 9 years on that. Well, let, 47, 43? 43. 9. Oh, there's probably always 9 years on that. Well, let me try again. His guy who's driving saw it. Yeah, we've had 9 year olds drive.

Yeah, that's true. I'm gonna go 70. Okay. Slow. It's my urine! I'll keep it if I want it. There it is. I'm gonna say 51 I want it. I think it is. I'm going to say 51.

51. All right. Is there a Tommy or two who would like to play guess the idea right up front? What's your name? Sandy. Hi, Sandy. What's your guess? 32. 32 years old. Was there anybody else? Back in the corner over there.

Okay. 56. 56. All right. Who's a man there? Someone wait out in the corner. Yeah, where at? Okay. Wait out in the corner. 49! 49. 49.

I love a good yelp. Yeah. Barbaric yelp of an age. You know what that means, right? You genuinely love a good yelp. Come on, we're going! Don't get me, on, we're going! Don't get me kids!

We're going! Let's go! Take the beeper with us. It's been two hours waiting here at Wood Ranch. Let's go! She's getting thank you, brother. Okay. Andrew Hartman is... What was your answer?

43. 36. 36. 37. 70. 51. What was your answer? 43 36 37 70 51 46, 49 32 I mean I didn't hear what he said

What did you say? It was hard to hear He almost said it under his breath It was hard for me to hear it It was almost like if I was writing it in stage directions, it would have said, Sato. Yes. Sounds like a good deep writing cut. Yeah.

Did it hurt? I love your yell. We're not related, but I guarantee your last name's Van Kirk. Okay. Andrew will set a number just based on the number. Well, that's a number that sounds good. Yeah. It's like roulette. It's set a number just based on the number. Well that's a number that sounds good. Yeah! It's like roulette! It's just a numbers game. It is a number. Andrew Hartman is...

Get out of here on this. 29 years old. I look at the cuts on that man's head. It's like he had the surgery that Will Greenlee wouldn't have on the mole on his head. There you go, story two down the middle. There you go! Stick around, make a sound, there's more at All People Town. How about another song from Amy Mann, everybody?

Thank you. Instrument I don't really play, but I wrote it on piano, so here we go. This song, still in the mental institution, you guys. So I'm still in the mental institution, you guys. This is the main character, sort of giving advice about suicide. It's the most cheerful one. Upbeat. Yep. It's my job to pump you guys up. Picture yourself there in the snow turning blue Turning blue Get used to that Being you

Picture yourself Blood from a gun On your wrist Taking from veins That you missed on your wrist taken from veins that you missed suicide is murder you've got to have

motive means an and opportunity Suicide is murder Premeditated Rehearsed tragedy Motive is key Count up the friends who would care If they're none, then you're there

Motives are must Shame and self-loathing are plus Tickets under the bus Cause suicide is murder You've got to have

Motive, means, and opportunity Suicide is murder Remeditated Rehearsed Tragedy But beware Cause anyone who knew you

will be cursed And part of them will also die There's no end to the asking of the question Why? So picture yourself With sums of all of your ills? Is it drowning or bullets or pills?

And try to detach You're throwing the pills down the hatch Of falling where no one can catch The suicide is murder You've got to have both of means and opportunity Suicide is murder, premeditated, rehearsed tragedy It's tragedy I was so nervous. I can't wait for that to show up in the mix of my next big SoulCycle class. When is that musical coming out and where can people check it? Oh, you know, at least a year and a half.

Okay, so you've got to find it. It's beautiful. Is that one of those Disney musicals? Yeah, it is. It's for the new Lion King. Am I wrong? It's pretty good advice to a suicidal person, that. Yeah. I had a couple of those recently, and it's a great tack to take with them. Would you commit murder? Would you kill someone?

No, no, no. Then don't fucking kill yourself. There you go. Beautiful. You know the song No Children by the Mountain Goats? yourself there you go another song no children by the mountain goats there's there's a line there that's like I hope we die I hope you die I hope I die we both died so that song came on while my wife and I were driving and our two kids were in the car and my oldest daughter who's almost 14 and about to go to art school like arts high school she heard that song for the first time was like this song's really good

i just looked at my wife and i was like she gets it she's not art school that's cool that's where should we uh we have a final okay john uh you're you're about to start playing pasadena. Is that the truth? Or fake? Are you allowed to talk about it? Talk about that? There's so much. Well, let's do it.

Let people know so they can come. He's doing a Christmas carol in June. Why? Why do you think it's a huge mistake? Christmas in June? I think it's a huge mistake for you. Tim, hey. It's very season. Tim has been very unspoken about how this is.

I so wanted John to say, I am doing a play about people in a mental institution. It's a musical. It's a musical. I want to be in that musical. It sounds like a winner. Totally. It does. I really do. I'm pretty sure John is the doctor who diagnoses ladies. Oh, we don't cast you! Hey Jay, do you remember the time when we were in New York in the 90s and saw John in True West?

When you were switching roles every night. That must have been a pretty deep play for you two. Um... It was so... It was really a play about two brothers who had a symbiotic relationship. I mean... Who want to become each other. Basically. So one night... And we...

Me and Philip Seymour Hopkins switched roles every three performances. Unbelievable. So one night Jay and I watched it and I watched it as me and then the next night I watched it as Randy. I'm going to be honest with you guys, when I saw it as Randy I didn't understand it. It kind of went over my head but I thought you were going, maybe you really did get it. How are you guys related? Oh we met on an audition. Speaking of which, are you related to the musician Leland Squad?

We aren't, and I love, I know he's very funny and super talented. He's played with all the greats. Phil Collins. I think he played on the song Susudio. He did. He's a big old white beard. He's a cool dude.

Kind of like a Jewish Santa Claus. Do you know him? No, I've just seen that luxurious beard and been fascinated by it. He's a cool dude, kind of like a Jewish Santa Claus. Do you know him? Do you know him? Do you know him? No, I've just seen that luxurious beard and been fascinated by him. Oh, yeah. It's a squire. Yeah, it's a squire beard. And, Tim, what's going on with you?

Where can people see you or catch stuff or pick up your songs as well? These people pay money. I'm not here to be money. Yeah, that's how I do it. I don't mind. Jesus. Well, the Sisters Brothers is streaming now. I have an album coming out. I have an album coming out called What the Brokenhearted Do. It's a very depressing fake breakup album.

It was involved in my real life. But, um, sad songs. We all like sad songs. In June you said? In June. What the Brokenhearted Do. Check that out. What are we going to do for this last segment? This will be our last segment. I appreciate everybody who brought stories, but we just ran a little bit long. Come back when we do another one of these, because I would love to hear them. Because today,

we're going to do a brand new segment Dumpy Will Tell that we have never done before. This was created by Swerve and Merv. Is this when I name name the segment, a work bag play bag? Yes. This was created by Swerve and Merv. Which, by the way, I work on at Swerves.

Okay. No judgments, guys. Trouble with the Swerve. At G underscore Proctima with three A's. So that's who created this. But it was first sent to me by Kelby W. Davis at Kelby W. Davis. Here we go. The way it works, many in this room may already know

about it. This kind of blew up about a month, month and a half ago. We take the day and month you were born along with the words Florida man and put them into Google. We then find out what dumb people town headline matches up with your birthday. Okay. So I'm August 5th. Write it down. I'm August 5th. And here's what happened when I did it. I also have matching slides

to go along and we will find out. I went on the internet. I don't know if they know your guys' real birthdays. You can correct me, but I wouldn't and we will find out I went on the internet I don't know if they know you guys real birthdays you can correct me but I wouldn't be able to find out what it is right for me August 5th it's this Florida man James Dylan Jordan on that along JDJ take the last name one was arrested for attempted strict tease at Japanese Steakhouse. He eats out on the grill at that place, so to speak, if you know what I mean. That's a young Leland Skowar. I just don't like it when he tried to flip his dick up into the top of the head.

Yeah, I know. It's show money when you put it on the ceiling. You guys want to see a volcano? No, no. Light it on fire. Now, for the Squares, when is your birthday? January 12th. March. March 14th.

I sound like I'm nervous. We don't need a nervous guy. We don't make long labor. So our joke about, we're Capricorns, and our joke about horoscopes is... Both of you? Yeah, we both are. I'm on the cusp.

He's a diehard Capricorn. Something good or bad may or may not happen to you in the near or distant future. That's so Capricorn. That is so Capricorn if you think about it. It's so true. It's what the stars tell us.

The stars know more than we know. For the stars, on January 12th, it is this. Florida man tells neighbors he's going to kill them with kindness, then tries to kill them with the machete that he named kindness. That's smokey. I really like that. That's a headshot where I come from. That's a smokey-eyed mudshot.

He looks like a background actor in Young Guns 2. You know, the person taking the mudshot, he said to him, What'd you say to me? I wonder what he's consuming. That guy was born with a mustache. You know, that mustache. Good God. How many times has he yelled to no one,

Fixed it! He's got eight fingers. I know he's only got eight. Amy, according to the internet, your birthday is September 8th? Yep. This is your Florida man. I hope it involves three snakes.

It's nine. Florida man in possession of six snakes. I'm joking. No, come on, Dan. You can't tease her like that. Alright, here we go. Florida man says it's, quote, not the barbecue he wanted on his day off when his

phone exploded and completely destroyed his vehicle. Oh. Sometimes Florida finds you. You aren't doing anything wrong. Isn't that a line from Florida Star Wars? This isn't the barbecue you want. I thought you were going to say that sometimes Florida finds you that a line from Florida Star Wars? This isn't the barbecue you want.

I thought you were going to say that sometimes Florida Finds You is a line from Amy's new musical. Oh yeah, it's Florida Finds You. It is now. How many times did his wife just be like, well, I told you not to get the Nokia Pebble. I told you. It's a very hot box. Very. It's a very hot box situation. They are. Very.

Hey Craig, you might want to come out here. Why? Screw off, Dave! John, I have you listed as May 24th, is that correct? Correct. I'm a big fan of Tom Dillon. There you go. is May 24th, is that correct? Correct. Yeah! Right by the party! My favorite band is Bob Dylan. There you go. No pressure.

For Bob. For Bob. Here's your Florida man. I could stop after the fifth word, but I think that's about it. I've got a lot of family in Florida, by the way. This is Derek.

This could be one of them. Key Largo. Love that song. Florida man with full face tattoo. Climbs jungle gym. Just one tattoo? It's just his face.

On his face. Great detail. This sentence heightens itself three times. Ready? So this happened on my birthday? Yes. So somewhere I was with my friends.

Enjoying life. And this was happening. And I'm fucking old, man. And this guy looked at someone across the, like a nice restaurant and said, What the fuck are you saying to me? Florida man with full face tattoo. Climbs jungle gym to scream at children about where babies come from. Kids today don't listen and you gotta raise your voice. Listen, and that is how they came up with the movie Storks.

I have a policy I'll reveal to you for the first time. If anyone has a tattoo that goes above the collarbone, I don't make eye contact. No, you can't. Or funnily. No eye contact. Yeah. All right. It's a good tattoo.

I like that he got it. Schools aren't doing it nowadays. I know. Yeah All right The idea of supplemental education is something we've talked about many times This is if you didn't think the Candyman was scary in the world. All consent from both sides! They're financially ready! Who on this playground already has a condom? This is where we will leave you.

We're gonna leave you and then's going to play one more song. And I want to say, as I put these stories together, it's a pleasure doing the show for all of you, and I thank you. Nice job, guys. I would say this, and then Amy will take it away. For Tim Heidecker, and what I believe is February 3rd, For Tim Heidecker. And what I believe is February 3rd? Uh.

Yes. Okay. That is literally the funniest response that I know of. There are moments, there are moments of putting Dumb People Town together, like when a guy, it isn't bad enough he got bit by a snake once, he goes back eight more times to the snake buffet, back in the bag. Where something happens where I'm like, this was meant to be. Your birthday, and this incident, was one of those.

Your Florida man is. Florida man who had sex with dolphins says it seduced him. I seduced him. Happy 38th, and I am. There I am. There I am. I never want to blame the victim, but are you looking at what he's wearing? Look at that. That bloody... Who's the victim? He is.

That thing seduced him. They're very smart. I could keep swimming for a while, why do you ask? Have you ever been seduced sonically? It's a very different thing. It's all sound waves. I love when you're squealing like that. It's happening to you. It's called keto, I've been trying it out.

Hey, you're a mammal, I'm a mammal, let's fucking do this. Look at that dolphin's eye. That dolphin's like, I'm gonna fuck you. I'm gonna put my fin in it. I'm gonna flip this. You really think I look like Dave Franco? No. That's a huge bottle on that thing. I'm not going to go to the Big Island, but I like Kauai. You're spending a lot of time swimming with the dolphins, man.

I know, I'm just loving this water. What are you doing later? Hey, we're going on that moose cruise today. You're in, right? Actually, I think I'm gonna go back and swim in that dolphin! Dude, it's nighttime! You know what, motherfucker? It's Tim Heidecker's birthday. I don't know where to do that. I'm swimming with a dolphin. Earlier I said this thing was the least fuckable thing.

This is the most fuckable thing. By far. By far. By far. Those are my stories, friends. There we go. Give me one more song and then we'll cut to the end. Not a song from the musical. You look like a perfect fit For a girl in need

Of a turnip kid Girl, I'm in need of a tourniquet Can you save me? Come on and save me If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone Cause I can tell You know what it's like A long farewell A longer stride

Can you save me? Why don't you save me? If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect you could never love anyone He struck me down And radio Like Peter Pan Or Superman You will come

To save me Why don't you Save me, why don't you save me? If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks You suspect you could never love anyone except the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone

except the freaks who could never love anyone Thank you.