Dumb People Town - John Hastings - Crocodile Rock

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

This week John Hastings comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is a very interesting way a woman decides to date younger men.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Hastings. John Hastings. Welcome to the show, buddy. friday episode of dumb people town population you population hastings john hastings welcome to the show buddy and it's an orange hat off i saw you wearing your orange hat john and i had to put mine on and that's the way we do it this is how we do it i uh i really appreciate it thank you so much i want to let everyone out there know that we're recording on zoom which i thought would be helpful for me because i thought okay i, I can tell the Sklar brothers apart. They'll be in two different Zoom windows.

They screwed me and are together in the same room. We're in Denver doing comedy works. Randy's got the hat. Randy's got the hat and the stash. Daniel Van Kirk is at a very comedy club-oriented brick wall. And John Hastings, a fellow

stand-upup good friend of our friend of the show uh colt cabana we are so happy to have you on and the good news is is that this dumb world that we live in continues to get dumber i i feel like your podcast is like batman in the dark night it's not the podcast we want it's the podcast we need right now thank you thank you someone's got to clean up this goddamn dumb world someone's got to clean it up and we are just the idiots to try and comedy i've always said this world is too gross to be cleaned by one comedian we need four two we need four that's right we need four that's right me and daniel we're back up we're the robins to your

batman no we maybe we're the robins to your batman and i think we're double robin we're double robin as long as i get to be alfred i just think i'd look good in the suit of course i think you would too and so with that in mind our great fans send us our stories by um emailing or excuse me tweeting at daniel van at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town that way he knows who sent what when and we got a great story we're gonna get into so daniel hop in ready here we go this was sent in by one of my favorite people That way he knows who sent what, when. And we got a great story we're going to get into with John Hasting. So, Daniel, hop in. Ready? Here we go. This was sent in by one of my favorite people who listens to our shows,

who comes to our shows. I got to meet her when I played in Kansas City. Nice. It is Catherine Holmgren at K.E. Holmgren. Thank you, Catherine. Yeah, Catherine's great. She also helps out with some of the digital shows that I do. Oh, good. Thank you, Catherine. Yeah, Catherine's great. She also helps out with some of the digital shows that I do.

Love that. Beautiful. Here we go. A mom is facing jail time after she admitted to stealing her estranged daughter's identity in order to secure student loans and go back to college

and pursue her sexy co-ed fantasies so there's this story this headline took four turns oh my god so she steals her daughter's identity that's not something that a mom would normally do john hastings you have a point i have a point that we're all overlooking now i love i'm not american American I'm Canadian but I moved to America and I love America and part of that means is I read a lot of local news The thing you guys are all overlooking because you've been in this country too long is

a mom going rogue is already 50% crazier than a dad going rogue You don't expect it from a mom to go rogue but hey sisters are doing it for themselves Like I guarantee a dad has stolen his son's identity

Just to be like I was teaching you a lesson You gotta double secure that Twitter account A mom That's his life lock lesson to his son I was listening to a podcast Why don't you have better identity protection On your Instagram account

A mom doing this I smell meth I smell a trailer i smell menthol cigarettes we are looking all three this could be the trifecta of meth menthol and and i just started the story when i read that here's the headline mom stole daughter's identity to start college and date young guys so that's she's like what you say it's never too late. Sometimes it is too late. This is a mom who said, I've spent my life dedicated to these kids and now it's a little me time.

I completely agree with you. This is a hardworking mom. She's probably working. She's middle management and data entry. Multiple jobs. I'm going to throw multiple jobs on her. I agree with you completely. She works drive-thru at the Arby's She's middle management and data entry. Multiple jobs. I'm going to throw multiple jobs on her. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to throw multiple jobs on her. I agree with you completely.

She works drive-through at the Arby's weeknights. She's driving Uber on the weekends just to put food on the table, and she just wants to get some Phi Kappa dick. She wants a little co-ed S, Phi Kappa D. Yeah. Wait, but so here's my question. Okay, so we're assuming that she is doing this just to go. Who's the comedian who had the joke about,

my mom wanted me to go to college. He was friends with Eric Friedman's building. Fred Stoller. Fred Stoller had the old joke of, so I could say that I'm a college graduate. And he's like, why can't I just say it? And like, I'm going to try to say it. And because I didn't go, I won't be able to.

I'll be like, I'm a ca-ga-ga-ga gaga guy i'm a college geeky goo right like just say you're in college you don't have to steal our identity don't go back to college at all and just go have sex with young dudes buy a college sweatshirt john what young dude is out there as a woman approaches like let's smash who's like you know what you seem like you're not in college let me see your college id this i this is exactly where i was going is i don't know any young taut 19 year old dude you know leaned up against an ice machine in some sort of hotel corridor i don't know who this guy is yeah if a woman walks up and was like ah i was thinking if we could have some delightful adult intercourse yeah Yeah. The guy is not like, wait a minute. What dorm do you live in?

No. I'm Archer house. If this was somebody in my hometown in Rochelle, Illinois, I would just be like, look, just drive down to Champaign, right?

Get down to Urbana, go to the Illini Inn, wait till closing time. You'll find a taker. If that's what you want, you can have, go to NIU, go over to DeKalb.

You can have sex with a college kid. Yes. As long as everybody's consenting and they're of age, go for it. I'll give you one better. If it's a woman wanting to have sex with college-age boys, the college boy could say, I'm sorry, are you a cop? And the woman could say, yes, I am.

And the boy would still be like, let's still do it. Can we do this? Can we do this can we do let's do it and then like turn off your your body cam okay or i um i'm from canada i grew up in a place called little but i then lived in toronto for a long time and toronto had a bar called crocodile rock which was where older women went to have sex with younger men and the joke was you can't afford a beer yeah yeah you're saying they're so old their skin is leathery like a crocodile that's right it wasn't even a milf bar it was a criminal crocodile milf i'd like to fuck bar yeah it is high quality and it was literally i remember the joke was you can't afford a beer go to crocodile rock someone will buy one for you there you go yeah i also like that bar because it had ripper tunes

like we're talking classic classic like lots of lots of like lots of bob seger lots of guess who lots of guess so much guess who they'll buy you a drink but you gotta look through a bunch of pictures of their grandkids but once you get past that a good time they had one of those in chicago too called the redhead piano bar i don't know if it's still there it's like literally right in between two steakhouses which is i love i love that it's a piano bar by the way you know gladys and ethel listen we'll hear some nice tunes and then we'll meet some lovely a chad and a travis you know make up by the skate park the fact that it's a crocodile rock like all the old women older women are just it looks like they're sleeping but they'll come and

get you yeah you can't tell but they can actually hold their breath underwater for up to 45 minutes and you don't know they're amphibious god damn i saw a guy remove a puppy from one of their mouths all right what else happens in this lauren oglesby posed as her daughter lauren in an elaborate scam that fooled both the federal government and locals in a small town a few years back also be applied for social security card in hayes name which she promptly received in the mail from that point on oglesby who had originally hailed from arkansas all right before we take a break how old do you think this woman was who wanted to steal her daughter's ID and then become a...

A college student. Yeah, a college student. John, you are a guest. You can go first or in the middle of us, which is the TIG slot, or third. How do you want to guess? I will go... I'll go first.

I'll set the pace. Do it. I'm going to say 49. Jay 49 what do you think that's right around what i was thinking 53 53 so that her daughter's in college right or around college or older to like out of college if her daughter's 25 could go back to college too i think she probably had her go back to college at your own age but then tell everybody on the quad you're 20, 28 or 20. Yeah.

I'm in grad school. I'm 28. I think she's probably 39. Okay. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll come back. We'll find out everything that we have going on.

We'll talk to John about his stuff, about his great podcasts that you can listen to. And we'll also find out how old our mom our college mom mom college is college mom college mom stick around make it sound there's more all right we are back right boys yes welcome back to the show uh want to mention real quick before we get into how you can follow and support john hastings uh dan van kirk go to daniel van kirk.com check out all his dates uh check him out uh it's all fun stuff so much fun stuff live you'll also every digital show is like just the best hang you've ever been in tour should start back up in march, but there's plenty of fun stuff to do. And yeah, go to go.

Also you can YouTube. I have a lot of fun stuff up on there live episodes or full episodes of pen pals. So do that. Oh yeah. So good. So good. Yeah. Randy and I have a YouTube page. Patreon is really great. Our Patreon. We have a Patreon way more than great. Sklar brothers where we do a new episode of cheap seats, cheaper seats every month. It's a lot of fun and in that vein in the summertime we're going to be releasing sort of a reboot of that show called the nosebleeds for ufc so excited the nosebleeds is like uh gonna be another cheap seat style show that we're doing with the old footage from the usc

fight pass it's gonna be on fight pass cannot wait we got we'll tell you more about it as it goes and uh our live stand updates are at superscleros.com john hastings what do you got how can people listen to you and watch you and see you well i have a wrestling podcast that's available every week called the wrestler review if you are a fan of cheap seats please listen to that it is and i'm i mean this the only wrestling comedy podcast on the internet. No one else has thought of that genre. And then I do a daily Twitch stream that has turned into sort of a weird chat show podcast thing called UTS that is available on twitch.tv backslash untitled Twitch stream or untitled Twitch on all social media. With new podcast episodes out Sunday through Thursday, just search untitled Twitch stream. And you can find me on social media at the John Hastings everywhere. Bunch of comedy albums on all stream platforms.

John Hastings. I love it. Now, when we left, we had a mom who wanted to look basically stole her daughter's identity so that she could hook up with college days. Go back to college. She just wanted to get a little bit of hers. What's wrong with that? I wanted the female Rodney G of those things reboot like they did with the ghostbusters all a little back to school action yeah when's when's that gonna happen that one that's going to happen

love that movie all female back to school remake i gotta tell you run don't walk to the cinema when that comes out by the way. That would be great. Okay, ready? What was our guesses that we had, John? What did you say? I said 49. Okay. You said 53. And I said 39, although I'd like to adjust mine to 41. I'd like to adjust mine to 41.

Okay. The mom is 43 years old. Oh! Look at her. Dude, she looks like she could be 23. She looks like she could go to college. Yeah, she looks like it's,

I need to know the town she originates from. You know what I mean? Like if you found out she's from like a hard living, yeah, coal mining town. And she's like a 23. She's from Saskatoon. That's a Saskatoon 23 right there. That's a Saskatoon 23 right there that's a Saskatoon 23 Calgary 24

do you think when she gets dressed she says you know what I like different lengths of necklaces I always want to be choked I like also I like that she's also saying to everyone I'm a kitty cat but I'm made of glass yeah

be careful with me yeah meow by the way if you told me she was in college I'd be like yeah yeah this is the daughter this is her daughter's identity that she's Dan if you right now said oh shit this is the daughter I'm sorry I'd be like oh yeah

yes yeah is anyone else learning i don't know what ages look like that's what i'm learning from that runs that happens a lot here and don't yeah i'd be like oh yeah just welcome to town like see dan if you would have showed dan if you would have showed me the picture i probably would have gone 32 really yeah also feel like this just further proves to me you could have just gone back to college exactly i'm not i hope everyone takes this in the non-problematic way i say it as a compliment and a belief and people finding other people every pot has a lid you could get laid lady like you're gonna be okay

yeah let's go back to college and do fine this is a everybody can do fine just find your people this is a very cute woman who there's something about her that's interesting who it looks younger than her age she seems fun yeah i mean other than the fact that she's completely betrayed her daughter's trust by stealing her identity she seems fun other than that she's she's fine she's fine yeah gentlemen i need to draw your attention to one thing in this photo and i don't i don't want to be problematic in any way but we need to and that's not always true but we need to look at the eyes yeah this is clearly a mug shot and she is making like movie star like kind of like gotta look cute and cutesy eyes there is a level of i think she stole the identity not just to catch some sweet, sweet D in the quad, but also so that she could just do it.

There's a level of like, like, like, Oh, like to the vibe of this person is like one of those things where like, if she walked in and she's a friend's girlfriend coming to like a barbecue and it's the first time you're meeting her, part of your thought process is I got to let Derek know that they're my spider senses ting. That's right. Yeah.

Something's like more than one, more than one person would come up to derrick and be like she's a lot yes that's exactly yeah like she's a lot she's spirited i was raised by a wasp she's really different she's really got a lot going on i wouldn't say she's my cup of tea is something that like my grandmother would describe this person. Not for every jug of gin. Yes. Filled with real energy. Hey, Dan, is that a tattoo on her upper right breast? Oh, jacket.

No, it's God. I hope that necklace. I really nothing. Nothing. Part of the necklace. Yeah. Okay. Fraudster even started seducing unsuspecting men in their early 20s who had no

idea that elgos b was almost two decades older than she said she was wild everyone everyone believes she started talking about she just started talking a lot about third eye blind you could step out from that yeah just listen the words. She even had boyfriends that believed she was at the, she was that age, 22 years old at that time. Chief Jamie Perkins of the police department told the New York Times disturbing photos obtained

by a local news station appear to show Oglesby even had her own Snapchat account where she pretended to be her daughter and posed with an array of youthful filters over her face to which i say her and everybody else right right that's or you're telling me the social media was fake how dare she hey ma hey mom mom what the fuck are you doing she had completely adopted a younger lifestyle um and i've said this i've said this before remember

the legs mcneil book which i highly recommend everybody read about the porn industry it's one of the best of the other hollywood the other hollywoods it's one of the most comprehensive books about the beginnings and how the porn industry completely it's incredible there were two undercover cops in florida who went to bust a porn ring in florida and they went so deep undercover as mob guys to like get and infiltrate a porn ring that one of them never came back like he couldn't get back from the character he became that's what's happened to this woman she will never come back from that 22 year old woman well she had completely adopted a younger lifestyle clothing makeup or personality she had completely assumed becoming a younger person in her early 20s

detective stetson schween that's this person's name detective stetson schween the quarterback for for georgia yeah she then moved in this is still her she moved in with a local couple in the college town avery and wendy parker a pair of apparently kind strangers who believed that she was a young woman running away from a domestic violence situation oh my god this is a full-gone girl okay the manipulative mom told them that her name was lauren hayes and she went to live with the parkers how long do you think she lived with these people pretending to be her own daughter by the way living with the Parkers. How long do you think she lived with these people pretending to be her own daughter?

By the way, living with the Parkers could be a Gilmore girls spinoff. I'm sorry. For sure. How long, how long do you think she lived with the, with these people pretending to be somebody else? It's six months.

Also, everyone in this story's name is perfect for the character that they're playing. The cop is named Stetson after a big cowboy hat. And she moves in Stetson Schween. His cop is named Stetson after a big cowboy hat and she moves in Stetson Schween. His name is Cowboy Hat Penis. And then she moves in

with a sweet person named Avery. Yeah, Avery. Avery Parker. They've extended the sills on their windows so that a pie rests perfectly for cooling. Do you know what I'm saying? These guys.

Avery Parker. Okay. Six months from John. It's four months. Four months. I'm going to say a year. Okay. She lived with them for two years.

Good God. Good God. During that time, she applied for a driver's license in her daughter's name before enrolling in the university. She applied for financial aid and received $15,000 in student loans, which I hope, and I mean this with all my heart, I hope they're forgiven. I hope all the student loans, everybody's student loans are forgiven. Nobody's paid them in two years and we're doing just fine as an economy college is too expensive that's that's because we even worked at the library where locals do here at lauren hayes however after more than two years the elaborate

scam came crashing down in august 2018 police in mountain view were contacted by authorities in arkansas who believed that she had committed financial fraud by using the same name as her daughter. It always catch up to you guys. You can maybe do it once. You might be able to do it twice, but once you go three times or more, just be ready to be caught recognizing the name. They said that she stole her daughter's identity and then she broke down and admitted to the fraud. She's facing up to five years behind bars the real lauren hayes has not yet spoken about her mom's scam or their how their relationship deteriorated we get to play a game we play very rarely but i like a lot whose home state did this happen in now john i'm giving you all of canada so you can have it right thank you thank you or it is illinois where i'm from or it is missouri

where the sklars are from i think it's illinois i say missouri jason i'm gonna show my work on this because i'm new as a guest yeah it's illinois missouri isn't midwest weird enough missouri in my way always goes weird in the way the South goes. Yeah, it's very Southern. This is a rogue Midwest mom because there's a lot of paperwork. It's Illinois with a bullet. Okay. We'll get out of here on this.

Thank you so much. Listen to Johnstuff. Follow him and also check out his Twitch. Yep. And what's the handle again for people to follow you? Untitled Twitch stream. Or if you just throw Untitled Twitch into any social media, all of that fun info comes out.

New episode. And the wrestling podcast. And the wrestling podcast. And the rest of the review comes out every Sunday. This week is our second part on Conan. Ooh, nice. Love it. All right.

That'll do it for all of us. I will tell you this. This happened in the great state of Missouri. Oh! Yes. Southwest Baptist University is where she was trying to go to school. Oh, there you go. That's how it works. That's how we

do it. That's a Friday show for you. Thanks so much. We love you guys so much. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Boom. Make a sound, come here down, it's Dump People Town.