Dumb People Town - John Ross Bowie - Do The Reading

Episode Date: September 14, 2021

This week John Ross Bowie comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about the worst possible mascot. The second story is about a runaway tortoise. The final story is how man who should have been arrested got arrested.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Daddies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population, Ross Bowie. John Ross Bowie the third. Welcome to town. Welcome to town. How are you guys? It's a dumb world we live in John Ross Bowie. Sure is. God knows we've lived in it for a long time. Really quite some time. We've known each other for a lot of years on this earth. Have we? We have yeah. Is it 20? Are we at 20 years? It's 20. We're at 20. We are absolutely at 20 because January will be 20 years that I've lived in LA. That's right.

And I knew you a little bit in New York. Just a touch in New York. But when did you guys move to? So we moved to LA in 99. 99. And then beginning of 02, and you were sort of like the pioneers who, you came here and you were established. And my wife and I looked at you as like, these guys have got it figured out.

They have got LA. Still don't have it figured out. They have got LA. Still don't have it figured out. They have got LA figured out and these are our guides. And then you came and figured it out. On the frontier. Well, so if we on any level made you feel a little bit comfortable about coming out here as like New York people who you knew a little bit

and coming out here and hey, it's okay, their worlds aren't burning to the ground, then maybe we can make the move. I'm very happy we were able to do that. Yeah, you absolutely are part of that transition and I appreciate it. I remember, I feel like we did Runyon Canyon really early on. That's a Sklar move.

You go to the top of Runyon Canyon. It's a real Sklar move, but it's also like, it's a huge East Coast expat thing to do because you're like, oh my God, I'm in a city, but there's a canyon in it. And you come to the top and you look at the whole city and you're like, I'm going to own this town. And then you never do. And then you do. Well, all right, I'll lease.

I went up to the top and I wrote a $10 million check to Jim Carrey. Was that a bad idea? It was a terrible idea. But then you gave it to his dead father, right? So it's okay. I gave it to his dead father, so we're all good. I like all the people who move here. You can't cash it.

Their friend takes them to Runyon Canyon, and then they say to themselves, you know what? Now that I live here, I'm going to just do this like two, three times a week. I'm going to get a great shame. All the time. And then you go seven years without hitting Runyon Canyon. And then you do it once for two weeks, and then you don't do it again for seven years. That's right.

It's a seven year itch. Well, I love that, John, you are phenomenal because you are a great improviser, always have been. And that is also the world that Dan Van Kirk comes from. So this is a perfect melding of,

I can't believe we never had you on Dumb People Town. The world is getting dumber and we need a way to fight back and we do it through comedy. Our fans send us great stories. The way to do it is you just at Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter, hashtag Dumb People Town people that gives him a timeline so he knows who sent it

first he gives you credit for it let's jump into one ready hit it yes here we go sent in by the lady liz hagerty at liz hagerty i love it because we kept saying gentleman liz hagerty and we're like thank you for identifying that would be a great twitter handle right gentlemen liz hagerty think about i follow that blind thank you i go in and just follow i don't even need to know what the content is just on name alone i'm buying to that magic show i blind date that one out of absolutely liz hagerty the lady liz hagerty all right here we go ready yes rainbow dild Rainbow, dildo, butt monkey. I feel like I'm doing that old Carson bit. What was it?

Carnac. Yeah, Carnac. Rainbow, rainbow, dildo, butt monkey. Name three things that Ed has violated at the San Diego Zoo. Very good, Randy Sklar. I don't know. Very good, Randy. I know. Very good. Say your audience skews young is what you're telling me.

It's an evening with Tom Sizemore. No, no, no. It's terrible. Rainbow Dildo Butt Monkey are four words no one ever imagined uttering in the same sentence, but here we are. Also, that's par for the course at Dump People Town. Here we are. Yes. We don't know how we got here, John Ross Bowie, but here we are.

Those are Courtney Cox's safe words. A library. Yeah. A library in London, England apologized after a children's event they hosted didn't go as planned. And a library has to apologize. go as planned. And a library has to apologize. The fact that this went from Rainbow Dildo Butt Monkey

to a library children's event is perfect. This is a library suddenly realizing that it could pay business consequences for something. Correct. The free market could turn against it. People are suddenly

not paying their late fees redbridge libraries hired mandinga arts feels problematic to provide entertainers for their summer reading challenge event on july 10th when video footage from the day went viral so this is you hire a third party. You don't have time to vet them. What is the vetting process of a third party library performance group, John? Probably fairly brief, I should imagine. Cursory at best.

You should never go vague when you're hiring anyone to entertain you. If the company's like Good Times Entertainment, you don't know what it is. What do you do? It should be so clear what you do it should be it should be right there in the name it's a branding issue is what we're talking about ultimately children's library magic shows boom like yeah it should be your title should be we do rainbow dildo butt monkey stuff incorporated and you're like you want it you want it go for it right bachelor party boom

one of the entertainers who was described as you guessed it a rainbow dildo bump monkey on twitter was dressed well exactly how you'd expect a rainbow dildo bump monkey to look a person i don't know how actually well that's a that's a very presumptuous of you to assume that I know what a rainbow monkey is. Dildo. You're about to find out. Okay, here we go. It's a person in a multicolored monkey costume with nipples exposed along with a fake penis and butt cheeks hanging out. Here is a photo of this person.

It is not graphic and very graphic at the same time. Oh, my God. This feels like a teen mascot of something. Guys, if this doesn't scare your children into reading nothing will that's um you know shame on me that is exactly what i should have thought that by the way i love that this jpeg is marked with my name i appreciate that a bunch that's well we have to be able to remember which episode we're using which photos for and we feel like it kind of has your essence.

This could be a map. I mean, send it to me. I'll make it my wallpaper, but still. We dropped it in the wrong reader. Could this be a failed mascot for a WNBA team? You mean successful mascot? Yes. You could make it a mascot for an American soccer team,

and no one would notice. That's true. That's true. Facts. Facts. Facts. Writer Janice Turner tweeted, I would really love a detailed breakdown of the commissioning process whereby Redbridge Council commissioned the Rainbow Dildo Butt Monkey as a means to teach children to read.

Are you guys ready to see the video that went viral, which really showcases exactly what the children experienced? Dan, I know exactly why this is an encouragement to read. Because in the writer, on the website, it explained exactly who this was. And whoever booked this person did not do the reading. All you had to do was do the reading, and you know not to hire this guy. This is an exam. Made an exam. This scares you straight to always do the reading.

Do as I say, not as I do. Okay, here it is. This is the video. Oh, God. It starts out a little blurry, but then you're going to really see. Okay, here. Ready? Now, look, there's like a lizard and like a flower.

All of those are completely fine. Now, look at that guy. Wow. Wow. Oh, my God. He's jumping. He's jumping enough that there is just. He's flopping.

He's flopping around. He's flopping. This is like that scene from The Fisher King. He couldn't have thought for any second, John Ross Bowie, that this was appropriate. I would think not. But I love that. I really do love the hashtag summer reading challenge.

And also, like, God, I love the United Kingdom. I really do, but look how gray and damp it is. Summer vacation! I'm sorry, you're talking... All I ever wanted, and it's just pissing rain, constantly gray.

You said gray and damp damp you're talking about the weather or his penis both okay can i ask you guys how much do you put on the performer to say like look i understand you can't do anything about the butt cheeks or the exposed nipples but maybe you know you're going to at the very least you know you're going to a library maybe you don't need the dildo you could d dildo i think that would be within your rights as a library employee to be like hey you know what i want to nip this in the bud nip it in the uh tip it and tuck it tip and tuck it or put on put on tape and tuck it put on some shorts like if that rainbow monkey dildo monkey was wearing athletic shorts maybe you get a little just a little peek out

there like it would be fun just the tip just the tip the library issued an apology after receiving complaints from area residents and parents because as we saw in the video they went outside and just started flagging people down like they were barking for a comedy show yep should the penis it should have been a rainbow like it is a very much like a just a white man's penis like it didn't feel like a month like a prime wait well hang on hang on hang on should it be covered with hair though is that better or worse i haven't been close enough to a monkey penis to know but i probably read no that's it's ass I just don't know Dan I

would have to have a better rainbow baboon I love that the British were simply too polite to talk it out though I love that the British were just like oh I suppose we should probably say something but one doesn't is the thing why don't we let it just

peter out the library issued an apology. During an event put on at the library today, there was a performance by a Carnival Axe company. That's capitalized, which must be the name of... I don't know. The apology tweet read, Unfortunately, one of the animal costumes was inappropriate, which we were not aware of at the time of booking. We deeply apologize for the offense caused. This is being looked into.

I'd say you looked into it. That's it. Yeah. Well, you're distancing yourself saying we didn't know about it when we booked it. Right. Guy with penis hanging down doesn't once ask the question, is this okay? We're at a library for kids. Shummer reading challenge.

Is this okay? That guy's going to not go through the proper channels to clear it. for kids show my reading child is this okay no one's gonna that guy's gonna not go through the proper channels to clear it ask one person hey is this all right this part of my outfit i feel like yeah i feel like there's there's just a uh a hesitation all around to be like well they seem comfortable with it so i can't push the matter yeah push the envelope this is just what one does. And then the employers are like, well, this is not going to break protocol by asking him to put it away.

It's like I love that also, Dan, the idea of we're still looking into it means don't ask us about it and we can deflect every comment that comes with being like, we're investigating it. You're going to get Benedict Cumberbatch to come in like Sherlock Holmes and do some serious digging on this.

Yeah, and he could play the monkey, too, if he wanted to. He could play the penis if he wants. As long as he doesn't do his American accent, I'm in. There you go. They also added in their apology at the end, this will never happen again. So it has been looked into. I'm sorry, what did you say, brother?

It has been looked into, apparently. Yeah, hopefully it will never happen again. But yeah, I feel like at this point, there's going to be a more stringent vetting process going forward. With everything. We're going to bring in some cookies. Well, let me ask you. Are you going to be shaped like penises?

What does that mean? Are you going to be having a dildo fight? The vetting process is going to be more hardcore. I would hope. Right. But the damage was done, the author writes here, with visions of rainbow monkeys' exposed parts forever burned into locals' retinas, unable to unsee what their innocent eyeballs took in.

That's a little too much flourish for me in a news article. Relax. A lot of flair. Relax. Agreed. Plus, some took screenshots of comments. Here's where, this is where the plot twists. This is where it gets good.

This is where it gets good. Plus, some people took screenshots of comments from the library that they wrote. The library wrote these comments on Twitter prior to having to apologize. Yep. Redbridge Libraries appeared to think the meddlesome monkey was hilarious albeit out of control they also wrote quote but when you've got it flaunt it so the library was into it until it became viral and then they were like no dan dan there is one young person who is high at the library who thinks this is hysterical he starts starts tweeting under the banner of the library,

which is my favorite John Krakauer book, under the banner of the library. He's also like that weird kid who keeps checking out the breastfeeding books. Be like, stop. Hey, hey, come on, man. Don't read them at the counter. Stop reading them at the counter.

Your Bodies and You is like an adolescent book. You're 28. Mandinga Arts Group, the company hired by the library that provided the characters, reading in the counter your bodies and you is like a adolescent book you're 28 mandinga arts group the company hired by the library that provided the characters also apologized on their website stating that while the monkey was previously well received at carnal of carnival events of course of course it was entirely unsuitable for a children's event and should never have been used where how come no one thought of this? By the way, there are kids at carnivals, too. Like, that's predominantly kids hanging out.

Yeah, but you go to a carnival, that's on you. You're like, this is a carny gone wild. What kind of carnivals? That's sort of like carnival, kind of like a Brazilian thing. Because that, I welcome a rainbow dildo butt monkey at a carnival like that. You'd almost be shocked to not see one. I should think there would be more than one. That's right. The question is which one?

Which one are you referring? The float or the guy who walked by? Carnival or carnival is my question. Very good question, John Rosebell. Where are we putting the accent on this? It was not written as carnival. It was written Carnival. Carnival.

But I would still say that you are right, that maybe they're trying to intone something here that they've missed. Look, we don't call him Bobby Carnival. No, we don't. Carnival. Carnival. The community-based organization added, Our lack of judgment in the choice of costume is one we deeply regret.

Having profoundly undermined our relationship with partners and the public, This might be the saddest fact of all, and we will get out of here in this. Has been retired? The monkey costume has since been retired. So anyone searching for an inappropriate children's entertainer will have to look elsewhere. I know we don't have plans to do shows in London guys, but if we were, and I could hire that thing to come out,

just come out and just at the end, wave to everybody. And as we walked off stage, wave its hands. Yeah. Wave its hands and just hold up our merch. Wait, Dan, I think like an animal that's like gone bad. Walked off stage. Wave its hands? Yeah, wave its hands and just hold up our merch. Wait, Dan, I think like an animal that's like gone bad,

like I think they would have to destroy it. Yeah, they'd have to be like completely old Yellard. Yeah. That's exactly what I was going to say. We took the suit out to a field and we went up north. And it went to go play with other rainbow dildo monkeys on a farm. A farm up north in northern England. That play with other rainbow dildo bug monkeys on a farm. A farm up north. Yeah. In northern England.

That's story number one, my friend. Wow. That is an insane calculation. We cannot have nice things. We can't have nice things. That's the way it goes. When we come back, we'll talk about what John Ross Bobby's up to, what we've got going on. This is Dumb People Town.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Our guest is John Ross Bowie. He is fantastic.

What can people catch you in? How can people watch you? Anything else you want to promote in this life or this world? Let us know. You know, listen. Are you allowed to talk about stuff? I am allowed to talk about things i'm hesitant to say this i have entered the um the the incredibly glutted market of podcasting fair all good great get it out there let me know these are podcast listeners yeah they would love it what else can i listen to this is one of the best improvisers we've ever known in our lives, and we've known a ton of them. Oh, that's very, very sweet of you to say.

And probably not even true. But I am doing a show called Household Faces that is just me interviewing other character actors. Love it. And it's been really, really fun. We've had some incredible guests. Who is your dream guest to get on this thing that you're like, I want this person on? Steven Tobolowsky. Tobolowsky's on the short list.

He's top five, no question. J.K. Simmons, can we still? Well, that's the thing. MC Ganey? MC Ganey would be great. J.K. Simmons is a tough one because he's got an Oscar now. He does. He was a lead.

They called him a supporting role, I think, for that, but he was the lead. He's a lead. They called him a supporting role, I think, for that, but he was the lead. He's a lead guy. And J.K. Simmons is in this very gray area between character, actor, and bona fide lead now. But for years he was that. He was duking it out in the trenches with a lot of other baldies, yeah, by all means. But the other dream guests are, I'd love to have CCH Pounder. I want to have Brad Dourif.

He keeps coming up. what I do is I ask everyone on the show who their favorite character actors are so I want our fans you're listening right now because this is such a great game is it up can people listen it's up it is absolutely up wherever you get your podcast it's called Household

Faces and we've had we have had Alex Desair, Martha Plimpton, we've got Amy Hill coming out, Xander Berkley's coming up. Jim Beaver. That was one of the best things on BoJack Horseman, that they, Margo, what's her name? Margo Martindale.

And she to me falls into that category. Oh, yeah, Golden Globe. But that she was, she played herself in this in that thing she was just fantastic my favorite my favorite moment on bojack i'm just gonna give this moment is where uh his agent's assistant calls him and says i have miss uh what fuck why i can't remember the agent's name prince uh i i have your agent on the phone. Princess Buttercup. I have Princess Buttercup on the phone for you. And he's like, great, put her through.

And then the assistant says, let me see if I can get her. Who is that joke for? It's for like 11 people. That joke is for like just L.A. County. And if you happen to be watching and you're not in L.A. County, that's great. But the concept that she called him and then is now not sure if she can get the agent for her.

I think this is... This podcast sounds amazing. So what I want is I want our fans who are listening right now to... Go listen to the podcast and then tweet at John Ross Bozeman. No, I don't.

I personally am off Twitter, but you can tweet it at Household Faces on Twitter or you can comment on the Instagram at Household Faces. At Household Faces, and tweet who you want to see. Tell them who you want. I love getting, because it's been really exciting, because people will be like, oh yeah, well have you gotten John Carroll Lynch? I'm like, yes we have.

He's coming up in October. John Carroll Lynch is so good. We were in a movie with John Carroll Lynch. What did you guys do together? Were we in Bubble Boy with him? Yes, we were. Bubble Boy with Jake Gyllenhaal? Yes, we were in that movie. Maybe you need to interview us i'm kidding uh no that'd be fantastic i'd love to

have you who else i mean there's lots of people that you also know that you're close to like i would put like jessica st claire and like people like that there's there's a lot of people where i i have been able to call in favors sure and there's a lot of people where we're just going through conventional like please hook me up with your agent, like Bruce Greenwood, like John Carroll Lynch. We have, we've got a fun month coming up for-

Jeffrey Arendt. You have to get Jeffrey Arendt. Oh, I love Jeffrey Arendt. He's fantastic. I love- He was in Bubble Boy with us, but he's like now amazing on physical. He's just phenomenal.

Oh, is he on physical? Yes, amazing. Oh, man. I went up for the part that Rory Scovell got. Rory Scovell. Rory Scovel. Rory's great. Rory's great. He's a good friend. He does a podcast with Dan. He's a lovely guy. Household Faces. I'm

so excited for this podcast. Get on that. Get on it. I love it. Dan, and speaking of Rory Scovel, Dan has a podcast called Pen Pals with Rory that you guys should check out. That's fantastic. Originally you were going to do that. Originally you were going to do it with John Ross Bowie, and then you just decided roy beat him out for your podcast it happens man it's a tough town it's a tough town uh but dan had a bunch of shows that he was doing live uh those

are going to be on hold and they're happening now and together again tour isn't together right now but it will be again uh hopefully in the spring so um i'm uh I'm from my apartment doing this as I finish up a responsible quarantine and we'll be back together soon. But no matter how far away we are, the stories are still dumb. Dan, have you been exposed? No.

No, no, no. Nobody's just being like, I'm going to test negative. I'm going to do another test just to cover the last two days that I was traveling. And I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear, but I want to make sure.

Yeah, I think that's make sure. So yeah, I think that's super nice, especially for me because I still have an unvaccinated daughter. So yeah, you two know, your kids are, but you have one. I have one.

That's not yet. That's also the thing too. Like, you know, I was in like 12 States in 14 days. So have I been exposed? Not to my knowledge. Have I been exposed?

Probably. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's true. It's just smart. And so, and then Probably. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's true. But I'm all clear.

It's just smart. And I'm sure our fans who are so awesome will completely understand. For us, if you like what we do and you're a fan of our old show, Cheap Seats, patreon.com slash Sklod Brothers. We have a Patreon for Dumb People Town, and we're going to get an extra story from John Ross Bowie. We're going to talk to him and get some interesting extra stuff from him. Extra content there. We do extra episodes

on this, our Patreon for Dumb People Town. But if you're also like, hey, I want to see episodes of Cheap Seats, new ones that have not been made in 15 years,

we are making them on our own. Very DIY. Cheaper Seats. You did that. Did you not do Cheap Seats with us? I did Cheap Seats

with Kathy Griffin. That's right. Oh my God. I did an episode with Kathy Griffin. Jamie and I both did it. The dog trainer. Yes.

Yeah, with our dog, the late and lamented Yohei. We did it with our old pug, May He Rest, and Kathy Griffin. What was the bit again? She was an expert celebrity dog trainer, and you were trying to get her to train your dog for you. And she was reading him Camus,

and so I just brought my copy of The Stranger, because I'm the kind of guy who hangs on to his books from college. You have a copy of The Stranger? I got a copy of The Stranger sitting around. That kind of guy who hangs on to his books You have a copy of The Stranger? I got a copy of The Stranger sitting around. That was great. Yeah, ladies. It was really fun.

See, we always want to work with this guy. So yeah, we have new episodes of Cheap Seats. It's on there. Again, patreon.com slash Sklod Brothers.

Great new content. And we'll be on the road a little bit. We're doing Moon Tower and then we're doing Ann Arbor hopefully in October. Seattle in November. Phoenix.

Tempe in December and then D.C. in February. Supersklars.com in November. Phoenix. Tempe in December and then D.C. in February. Superschoolartist.com to check that out. Let's jump back into another story, shall we, Dan?

Ready? Yes. Sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. Great handle. We love that handle.

She sends in a lot of stories. Love it. Oh, great. Okay, ready? Yes. A runaway tortoise. It's exactly... Stop, stop. Fine, right there. it. Oh, great. Okay, ready? Yes. A runaway tortoise. That's exactly... Stop.

Stop. Fine. Right there. Boom. That's right. Shouldn't be a problem. Should not be a problem. It's my favorite Julia Roberts movie.

Runaway tortoise. A runaway tortoise has been found a year after it went missing. Of course. Yes. A year later. Six feet from where it left. So there's a moment where you say to yourself, if you get a tortoise,

that means your parents are essentially saying to you, we don't have enough bandwidth to take care of a dog. That's what your parents are saying. Just make sure it doesn't run away. And then it runs away. And then a year later, it fully survives. And then you can say to yourself, I'm not keeping this alive.

There's nothing I'm doing that's keeping this alive. This thing can live off of a few blades of grass for a year. Also, turtles, I think some of them outlive people. And they have to pass it on. Have you ever seen a tortoise in the wild just running around? No. I've seen it. Running.

Yeah, lakes and stuff. I've seen it. Yeah. There's a little park, Franklin Park. I don't know if you've been to that park with your kids it's like up off of near cold water oh yeah sure and there's like a little tiny lake that has like tons of tur tons of turtles i'm not talking about turtle i'm talking tortoise like a tortoise is big a tortoise can be like the size of a rolling suitcase you know like carry on i've never seen one of those in the wild first of all can i tell you that franklin park is the opening scene for

like the andy griffith show andy griffith i love going there there you go another great spot speaking of like runyon it's another great spot to be like am i still in la you it's so apart from everything else while being in the middle of it um so but i saw tortoise in uh florida i was in santa bella in florida and we were i was just walking down the road and i saw like a big i mean it was probably like two feet by two feet just sitting on the side of the road i'm like is this anybody's i'm not gonna take it i'm not gonna take it but i was like and there and there are signs like turtle crossings and whatnot i'm like i don't want an alligator to eat this thing but it was so cool to see they're

they're really cool they're super cool to see i was like when i was just on the island of kawaii and i'm swimming by myself like in this great uh beach called tunnels beach and up on the north shore i know we honeymooned on kawaii oh my god it's the best i've been there a couple times it was the best we had a great time i'm swimming and i start to i see this you know like visibility underwater and stuff like things aren't clear until all of a sudden they're very clear and um i see this huge shape coming towards me and for some reason i did not freak out i look back and i'm like why did i right because i could not tell what it was why did i not freak out and then it gets closer and closer and i'm like oh my god is this like a

stingray because that's what it looked like at the angle it was coming i mean it gets closer and closer that's how steve erwin died the size of a large large checked bag of luggage sea turtle and it just comes with it like six inches i mean just and then i just followed it for a little while and i've seen sea turtles up there a lot just never that big and never where it's coming straight at me first it was it was amazing and terrifying at the same time he's like what's all what it was and i was like oh you're docile and beautiful he's like he's like what's this big white thing coming towards me he thought you he was terrified of you dan he's like what is this big white thing can't swim uh all right ready for this yes after scaling a 12 inch high fence which that for a

tortoise that's huge right that's that's impressive also who is putting in a 12 inch fence in their yard guys we gotta keep this just around where it is in oh where it was yeah donald trump said we must build our fences right like those are like usually that big. Don't let your dog pee on these flowers. That's a bold use of the verb scaling, I got to say. I have to say. It makes it a dash more impressive than I think the situation is. This isn't free solo, for Christ's sake. Well, after scaling a 12-inch high fence to escape from his enclosure

and embarking on a journey, the tortoise, named Maxie, was found by dog walkers in the middle of Wilshire Field, how far from its home. Now, this is a year. How far do you guys think Maxie got in a year? I mean, my earlier joke notwithstanding. That was a good joke. Where is this again? This is in the UK.

Wiltshire. Wiltshire. So it's England. England, yeah. Okay. Hmm. What do we want to say? It's a year, but it's a tortoise.

But it's a year. But it's a year. It is a year. But it's also a tortoise. Three miles. Three miles. Three miles. Yes, I think you're on the right track because it can't be within their normal

sort of walking path and purview. Or they'd see it. Or they'd have found it. Or they'd have found it at this point. So I'm gonna say, yeah, I'm gonna say like five miles. Although I will say this. When my wife and I visited her brother in England,

he was living in Wimbledon at the time, and we walked from where he was staying, there was like just this open field. It was like, imagine, it wasn't a park. It was just kind of an open field. And as we were walking home from going out one night to the bar, to the pub, we kind of went back to their house

and we saw like three foxes just in this field you're like snow white of dumb people town i know these animals i was just like so we saw these foxes in this field so i could imagine that it escaped from the thing and then just was kind of no one really hunted around the field for a tortoise and then there it is you sure you just didn't see a band called foxes in a field? There you go. Foxes in a Field. Fleet Foxes in a Field. I'm going to say a mile, just a mile from that. So how are we doing this? Are we doing prices right?

Close to. Oh, okay. Three, Jay, what did you say? Five. Five, and I say one. Okay. So if it's anywhere in there, we will all tie, unless it's right on three.

It was found by dog walkers in the middle of a Wiltshire field just over half a mile from where I was right. I was right. I was right. I should have stuck

with six feet. I should have absolutely stuck with six feet. So that's what I think. I just think that like it got into an area where people just weren't looking for it

and also like how happy were the parents that, again, I have guinea pigs, or I have two, and I have one, and there's just a moment. You still have it? Still alive, and I'm like, oh man, we're gonna keep this.

I'm like, just please go the way of God and just do what you have to do because it's just so much extra work. Wait, so Randy and I have a joke? The parents are like, let the things go. He's gone. He ran away. The turtle ran away. And then they found it, and i have like the parents are like let the things go just he's gone he ran away the turtle ran away and then they found it and they're like god damn it they say that to travel just over half a mile in a year that's an average speed of 0.00007 miles per hour

yeah that feels about right clock is fast clockinging it um do you guys want to see the path that it took i have a picture for you here yes yes okay this is this is how far he went or she went maxi that's a nice house jesus yeah um uh we're uh those people can totally afford a dog um and a dog walker. At the very least. Now, we are assuming, of course, that it was a completely straight line, that at no point the turtle – by the way, I love the little speed lines. That's hilarious. That's right.

But at no point he, like, weaved over to that other house off to the right there and, you know, borrowed a couple of – Yeah, I imagine that Maxie meandered a bit. Yeah, Maxie could have found a Tesco somewhere off the right there and you know barred i imagine that maxi meandered a bit yeah max you could have found a tesco somewhere off the way there it's like in the nfl when when a quarterback scrambles a total of 38 yards to gain two yeah it only gets counted as two i'm sure there was like a little yes i'm guaranteeing you that there was a little serpentining of course back to the story suzy thomas and her neighbor linda rogers is that that has to be witness protection people right suzy

thomas and linda rogers linda rogers is the name that the laziest improviser gives his character in a scene this is my wife linda rogers linda rogersives up. Yeah. They said they were lucky to have come across the 14-year-old tortoise as they were only allowed in the field because they were walking the farm owner's dog, and he could have been crushed by a tractor if not found in time. So they're on some sort of private property walking a dog, and that's how they found Maxie? The farm owner's dog. They're like, we're your neighbor.

We'll walk your dog. Can we please walk through your field? Susie Thomas explained, it was very lucky that Maxie was on the path we were walking on, as the field isn't a right of way. We were walking the farm owner's dog, so we had permission to walk around. It's like, at some point, it's like, we get it. You had permission. We get it.

So we're walking the dog clear. What were you going to say, Jeff? Hey, what were you doing on that field over there? We had permission. Are you sure? Did the farmer say it was okay? It's like you know that they had to deal with that. Obviously, with the harvest coming up,

it could have been a very sad story if we hadn't found him. After finding Maxie, they took him home to give him food and water. Then they searched local Facebook groups to try and find out who might be missing a tortoise. They are nice people. This sounds like a British, like this is like a series on KCET, you know, like TV, like public.

This is like the All Creatures Great and Small reboot or something. Thank you. But gave him food. He's been eating food. They eat leaves. You took him away from his food. Yeah, he was at a buffet of love. Happy. Yes. He was harvesting a buffet of love. Happy. Yes. He was harvesting.

They called him some bangers and mash. Yeah. Good. Make him British food. Fried tomato. That's smart. Miss Thomas, who is a behavioral economics student, said, We made sure to ask the possible owners to describe their tortoise and send pictures so we could make sure we definitely give them to the rightful owner.

How many people would lie about it being their turtle? You would have to be the biggest asshole in the world. To be like, I'm getting this turtle. It's totally mine. It's green and quite slow. He's got the right one. He has a perfect spot on. You said green?

Yes, I did. After three days of searching, they found the tortoise's owner rudhari jukes who lives a mere half a mile from the field in kum beset wilts where maxi was found i tried guys i said it wrong you did great ever been there uh the tortoise who could be distinguished by a distinctive chip on its shell near his head had been missing since last August. He had a chip on his shoulder. He had a chip on his shoulder. Chip on his shell.

He's pissed off. Mr. Duke said he didn't know how his tortoise escaped as he was in an outdoor enclosure with wire fencing 12 inches high. This is just one of those things like animals will figure things out. If you leave them in a place long enough, they'll figure it out. They don't want to be caged. Was he perhaps going to another British farm where

all the animals have killed the owner and created a socialist utopia? Yeah. That would be great. I mean, he was hearing the calls from the pigs that we need to get out there. I would think so, right? Some tortoises are more equal than others. That's right. The 23-year-old support worker, the owner of Maxi,

said he would normally spend all day in his enclosure over the summer, and I don't know how he escaped. He just was not in there anymore. Maybe he climbed out, but I don't know. No, you do know. You do know. I mean, I suppose somebody could have, like, released him. Here's a picture of Jukes and his tortoise. Jukes sounds his tortoise.

Jukes sounds like the Butler in like a trading places. No, jukes. All right. All right. Okay. Excuse me. 12 inches is not a huge climb for this guy.

He can totally make, I would agree completely with you. Does this guy make like turtle, like what, you know, turtles, uh, that chocolate caramel. Oh my God.

So this guy's thing is that he goes on the Great British Baking Show and makes like turtle cakes. Or turtle soup. No. Come on, bro. Serves it in shells. Yeah, he's got great hair. Phenomenal hair.

My damn, I love his hair. Phenomenal hair. And good teeth. Yeah. Let me just say that. Yeah, you know what? I don't want to be the guy who brings that up, but good teeth. Now you're the guy.

Good teeth, British complexion, great hair. Yeah, the NHS does not have a comprehensive dental component to its coverage, and I salute him. I say this, he juked us out. He added, this jukes, he really, that was good, Rand. He added, he really couldn't believe

it when Miss Thomas got in touch to say his tortoise had been found as he'd given up hope on finding him. Don't tell that to Maxie. He said he has escaped before and been missing for a similar length of time. Guys, this happened before. He doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want to be there. Let him go. Release him.

Release the hounds. Let Maxie be. Yeah, but this turtle's been gone for a year prior to this. Who are you, Rick James? Let him go. So at first, I was confident that he might come back. He is the tortoise of the Baskervilles. Go ahead. He said he is the tortoise

of the Baskervilles. There we go. But just before he came back, I basically had given up hope that he got found. I said he said it. But he did come home. It's crazy. And that's the story of my episode. I don't know if it's crazy. It's did come home. It's crazy. And that's the story of my answer. I don't know if it's crazy. It's lucky.

It's lucky, Dan. It's not crazy. All right, Dan, give us a tease of story number three. I'll tell you the headline. Man asks why he wasn't arrested, gets arrested. There you go. All right. If you ask and ye shall receive.

And we'll also, if you're a Patreon fan of Dumb People Town, we're going to talk to John Ross Bowie about something that only you guys get to hear. You have to sign up for the Patreon for that. We've got more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make it sound. Four more. Dumb People Town.

All right, Dan. Take us home, buddy. All right, ready? As I told you the headline before, it is Man Asks Why He Wasn't Arrested Gets Arrested. There we go. Sent in by Derek Shipley, at Derek Shipley. That's D-E-R-I-C-K, Shipley, E-Y.

All right. Gillette? Gillette? Gillette. Gillette? Gillette. Gillette? I don't know.

A Gillette man got what he asked for thursday night when he was arrested by campbell county sheriff's office deputies so where's he asking for it where is he on facebook i'm assuming he's like come get me i don't even think it's that i think he said it out loud yeah the man called the sheriff's office at about 9.30 p.m. to ask why deputies hadn't arrested him yet, said undersheriff Quentin Reynolds. He said deputies had raided his house Wednesday and he had been waiting all day on Thursday for them to return to arrest him.

When asked what he should be arrested for, he said he should be arrested for meth use. Okay. All right, Dan. so this is a guy who calls up the station with no context at all and says are you guys coming for me or what right and then they have to figure it out members of a dumb people town will have already heard john talk about uh self-inflicted uh being your own worst enemy that's what this guy is period or he's finally getting the help he needs that would be great this

is a cry for help this is literally a cry for help literally you guys coming to get me i deserve to be i don't want to do this anymore yeah reynolds said that deputies in fact had this is the undersheriff said that deputies had in fact not raided the man's house and were not planning on arresting him for a crime while speaking with a dispatcher the man said house and were not planning on arresting him for a crime. While speaking with a dispatcher, the man also said that 10 young guys were following him. So he's full into the paranoia. Also, I think he just has a messy house

and he didn't want it. I don't even know if he did meth. What if he used to be on a football team and he quit and the other 11 he was on an 11-man team and the other 10 guys were mad at him. Sure. And they want him back on the team. 10 young guys are mad at 11 it's he was on 11 man team and the other 10 guys were mad at him sure and they want him back on the team 10 young guys are mad at me and he figured it would be easier to get arrested to just get arrested for possession yes and to actually get back it'd

be easier to do meth he'd never done meth in his entire life i love that we're building this narrative about never done it'd be easier than to go back and play football with these guys yes and it's really born out of the fact that he thought he was going to let them down. The man left his house in a white GMC truck and drove south on Highway 1416. A deputy passed him about a mile south of Buckskin Coal Mine. Put that on a walking tour. When the deputy passed him, the man turned off into a power unit substation, which led the deputy to turn around and initiate a traffic stop. The man told

the deputy he'd used meth a day and a half before and was still high. Then it says he performed poorly on sobriety tests. That's a nice way of saying failed and was arrested for driving under the influence of a controlled substance. Maybe he just really

was like a C. Maybe it was just a performance. It would have been greater than a curve. Right, yeah. It's like when people say he has world-class speed. What about the guy who comes in last in the Olympics? In the 100-meter hurdles. I mean, so far back that you or I could probably come close,

even though we couldn't. But that guy has world-class speed. It's just not the best, but he's in the class of the world class. Well, wouldn't you say if you qualify for the Olympics, that is the world-class speed yeah it's just not the best but he's at the bottom of the class of the world class well wouldn't you say if you qualify for the olympics that is the world-class world class speed whatever the qualifying yes yeah so this guy world-class idiot i'm i'm hung up on the semantics i've performed poorly i i feel like that isn't a straight fail i feel like he kind of like kind of answered the question. He had done some of the reading. He walked a line.

It wasn't a straight line. It was a jagged line. Yeah, but can use his feet, so that's not a full-out fail. He didn't fall over. He did poorly. We'll get out of here on this. How old do you guys think the man who thinks that he's being followed by 10 young men,

that he had his house raided by cops, that he's being followed by 10 young men that he uh had his house raided by cops and he performed poorly on sobriety tests and is still high for meth a day and a half ago how old do you think he is he did call them young men john ross i know i'm thinking about that i i i you haven't used the phrase young man to someone who's much younger have you no i haven't even used it to my son okay Okay, listen here young man. I haven't yet, no. Your son is, I'm gonna guess 11? That's correct, yeah.

Okay, so he's getting close to young man. He's getting close to young man, I mean I have him call me sir. Okay, sure, sure. Appreciate that, appreciate that. But I feel like if you're in a small town, you might be a slightly more traditional thinking guy. This guy could be as young as 40 and be tossing around young man.

Yep. What was the place he passed by that you wanted to put on the walking tour? Oh, he passed by Buckskin Coal Mine. 40. 40. Wow, Jay. So you're saying life expectancy, if you live near Buckskin Coal Mineolemine, he might work for Buckskin-Colemine. He might die at 52.

I'm saying that I don't know how much longer we've got this guy, so we can cherish him while we do. Cherish the lovely. Cherish him, young man. I'm going to say he's 56. 56 years old. He got into the meth game too late, and now it really overtook him, and he wasn't ready.

He wrote meth checks that his ass couldn't cash i say 63 63 okay 40 56 and 63 one of you oh god is only one year off so please adjust accordingly adjust accordingly you want to go up or down john i'll go up to 41 okay down to Down to 55. Down to 62. Okay. The man who wanted to know why he wasn't arrested, and they said, we have no reason to arrest you. And then he ended up getting arrested for DUI. Because of what he confessed. The next day. He got confessed.

Right. So an arrest on your own confession. You got confessed. Confessed. He is, get your answers in now, Tony. Yell them out wherever you are. The cubicle that you've built in your work from home station is 62 years old. Oh!

Zeroed in on him. I got it. I want to meet a 62-year-old meth head. There we go. I got to say, I like this guy's joie de vivre. You know, I got to say. All you got to do like this guy's joie de vivre. I gotta say. All you gotta do is start following him. Listen, it's a downhill slope.

None of us gets out of here alive. Live. Live. Live. Live your life. There you go. That's the show. Thanks so much, John Ross Bowie.

We love goofing around with you. Just fantastic. An honor and a pleasure as always, Shep. So great. Phenomenal story. Two stories on the Patreon. Two for the price of one. He kind of slid them both in there of stupid actions.

Check out House Old Face. It's his new podcast. It's fantastic. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down.

It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio, a podcast network.