Dumb People Town - John Roy - Eight Stone of Poo

Episode Date: June 8, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian John Roy for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, an angry man stores up his own feces before shoving it through a friend's letter box through a hose.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, on your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you, Population Roy. Population, two first names. John Roy.

Yes. Welcome to the show, sir. Good to be back. Well, I guess technically I'm back because I did county. You did Scarborough County while you were wonderful. Okay. And now you're back on because not only do we love you, but you and Daniel Van Kirk are going to be doing some live shows around the country. The first one on my anniversary.

Thank you very much. You're welcome. In honor of my anniversary. Thank you very much. In honor of my anniversary, you'll be at the Siren Theater in Portland, Oregon on June 24th. 8 p.m. show. You do not want to miss two of our favorite stand-ups in one room together. That's Daniel Van Kirk and John Roy.

Evenings with Daniel Van Kirk and John Roy. I love that you guys are teaming up. And Jonathan Roy. He kind of went with the full name. Yeah, I'm not a Jonathan. I'm a John. I am the full name. It just happens to be seven letters and four of two syllables. Johnny Roy!

Johnny Roy is a drink that you get that's just like, it's just the syrup of like nine different drinks. It's alcohol and a little bit of window. You're super efficient. One vowel used twice. John Roy. Yeah. John Roy. But in different ways. Yeah. The accent makes it brutal in twice. John Wright. But in different ways. The accent makes it brutal

in California. John, the Chicago. People go Chad. Whenever I say John, they go, Chad? It happened yesterday. It's a Yanny Laurel. Are you saying Yanny? Chad? No, he's saying Jan. Jan.

Jan. Jan. Are you saying Laurel? No, he's saying Jan. Jan. Jan. Jan. Jan. Are you saying Laurel? No. You got a show in Portland on the 24th, and then next month in July, on July 15th, in Denver, at the Bug Theater.

The Bug Theater in Denver. It's a great theater to see shows. Oh, my God. We did a little, I think that's where they used to do the Gralics. Yeah, that's exactly that. Hot damn, that's a great theater. Cool area. You guys will do great.

Fill it with our folks who love these guys. Townies. Townies. Well, listen, we believe that the world's getting dumber. It's getting dumber in Denver. It's getting dumber in Portland. It's getting dumber everywhere, John. How do we combat that?

Through comedy. Through getting stories sent to us and then breaking them and trying to understand. So we have one story that was sent to us for today's show. You want to do it? Let's do it. No, I don't want to do it. I want to do it.

That's a show, guys. All right, guys. We've got to get back to work. Just kidding. Sent in by Agnes Blankenstein. That's a great... I got nothing for that except that's... That's John Blankenship.

S-T-I-N. Is that Steen or Stein? Either or. Either or? It can be, right? Either or. It's whatever they tell you. And there's some friends of mine...

And you'll always get it wrong. You'll always get it wrong. There are friends of mine that I call them like, Joe Epstein. It's like, no, it's Joe Stein. And there's no rhyme or reason to the order of the vowels. No. They can choose and go a different way.

It's however your family has been called for all those years. It's a very democratic last name. It's honestly whoever fucked it up first. Like if someone fucked it up years ago and started calling you Steen, then that's who you are. If someone screwed up and called you Stein... You just went along with it like, you know what, the boss he's nice to me, I don't want to get... Keep my head down.

Or you know those people who like if you start to correct them, you know it's going to be like a whole thing that you're just like, whatever. I mean, there was a story when we did Entourage and Mary J. Blige came with her whole Entourage

to do the show and we worked with her for a few days she could not have been nicer or cooler she was so sweet my character was Jeff

and Jay was Jim mine was Jim and yours was no yours was mine was Jeff and yours was Jim whatever

so at the very end Jay goes up to Mary and says... I was just like, you know, I didn't want to bother you throughout the production, but it was really an honor. You know, we're such big fans of your music and this was a beautiful week. And she looked at me and she said,

thanks, Jeff. Now, I at that moment could have double corrected her and said, we are not playing ourselves like you're playing yourself. We're not real agents. This is a set. I simply said, it's Jim. Because I thought that would be

easier. Jason looked Mary J. Blige in the eye and said, it's Jim. So you know how like that's it. I was like, I know. Let me get you half of the way there. Steen or Stein, she's just, their family's done correcting it. Well, the handle is almost as great. At blankers 10.

Blankers 10. First nine were taken. Blank and Stein. You keep going until I get this. An angry man stored up his own feces. Uh-uh. For what? The winter?

Is that why? For what? It's got to be why he's angry. Why did I give myself this challenge? This is like, that's how the... The feces came first and then the anger led from that. That's what powers the flux capacitor in Back to the Future 5. Yeah, where you're going, we don't need toilets.

An angry man stored up his own feces. Let's see what that garbage man's got in store for him this weekend. Just dump it in. In a container. Also, imagine the idea of the conversation at Lowe's. Be like, what size do you need? What are you using it for? Just in a container, man.

Ten days? They didn't say. Before shoving it through a friend's letterbox in a bitter dispute. The feces or the container of the feces? I'm sure he opened it up and dumped it out. No. Joffrey? No.

What? No. I thought that was a made-up game. Are you Game of Thrones? No. It's G-E-O-F, though. It's Geoffrey. He's doing a Steenstein thing with Geoffrey.

Geoffrey? Geoffrey. Holroyd Doveton. That's hy Geoffrey. Holroyd Doveton. That's hyphenated. Holroyd Doveton. That is the most regal English name for the most feces-story man. If you see an apartment in LA

and the apartment has the name Covington Arms, you know that's a shithole. That's just a horrible like a prostitute's like wouldn't even sleep there. Badlington Downs. The new ones are all the Dillon. The Orsini. Jason's extent of knowledge

for prostitutes are that they'll spend the night after they're done with their business. I think I'm going to stay here. I think I'll just go to sleep. They don't just hang out and sleep. Every type of mushroom is what these things are called. The portobello. Where are we?

The Cummington? I'm going to stay. I think I'll stay. The porcini. Joffrey Holroyd Doveton used a, quote, homemade pump to spray the excrement into Donald Wick's home as a disgusting act of revenge. Homemade pump! This dude

made a pump, stored up his poop, went to his arch-rival's house, opened up the letterbox, and just started pumping it in. Shooting it through the door. They probably yelled, you've got mail, bitch. As he was doing. I mean, on some level you have to say

yay science. What do you buy to make the pump? If I said make a pump, what would you do? You need some sort of air compression, and you need a hose. So, like a bag, just a bag you can... Either a bag or something like an accordion-style plastic thing. A bellows

from an old-timey fireplace. And then a tube for the poo. Are you talking about a poo tube? Is it your standard poo tube? At Lowe's, the guy, what do you need it for? Well, you know, here's what I got to do. I got a project this week.

I just got Donald Wicks. That's not important. What's important is I got to get my poo into this guy's mouth. I got a lot of poo. Don't worry mouth. You know, I just got to get some poo. I got a lot of poo. Don't worry how I got it. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Can you tell me where, like, paint stirs? Yeah, it's over on aisle six. Did your dad have a fireplace? One of those old bellow accordion things? Yeah, we got those. Could you hook down some kind of a thing that could shoot poo into a male? Shoot pool? Did you say shoot pool?

No. Shoot poo. Shoot poo. Oh, all right. Sir, I don't know if I want to help with this. We are having a workshop class for this, though, on Saturday. Dave, I'm going on break. You should take care of this guy.

I'm going to have to talk to a manager, then. I really need... I'm going on break. I told you. I'm the manager. What do we got here? We got a problem? We're just going to standard put the poo in the box kind of situation.

What kind of project is it? Hey, Jeff, what project is it? I'm on break, so I can't talk about it. It's really going to come down to the consistency of your poo. How are we getting this poo through? What have you been eating the last couple days? We're going salad or steak? Okay, here we go.

The former mates had fallen out as Holroyd Doveton. Oh, this is British. I told you guys were UK. Holroyd Doveton. So the mailbox is on the other side of the road. Yes. Okay. But we're in the house.

They pump their poo on the left. That's right. And then it goes the other way. Remember, he did this to Donald Wicks. The former mates had fallen out as Holroyd Doveton thought Mr. Donald Wicks had contributed to his recent divorce and, quote, ruined his life. Contributed. How do you contribute?

There were other factors, but he definitely contributed. Short of having sex with his wife. Or on a regular basis saying to his wife, you should leave this guy. Hi, mate, you should get out of here. Oh, Jeffrey's a wanker, man. He's a knob, isn't he? Your old bat isn't he? He's a knob, isn't he? You're all burnt. He's a knob.

He's a knob, isn't he? Marriage would be a lot better, though, shouldn't it? Shouldn't it? Don't you think, Vic? Kind of sad. Kind of in a bad marriage, aren't you? Isn't it? Looking kind of sad, are we?

A lot of people have husbands that are nice to them, don't they? Right. And meat pies are rubbish. It's rubbish. I like to shove my meat pie through your mouth. Geoffrey Dalhoy Doveton, or Halroy Doveton.

I call him Doveton. GHD. The Halroy Doveton. GHD traveled more than 160 miles to Rotterdam South Yorkshire to Mr. Wicks' house. This is like the astronaut woman who drove in a diaper. That's almost all of England.

Like, you can't get further down the country without falling in the sea. We're going down the M4, weren't we? M4 with just a whole pocket full of poo. GHD. So he goes from 160 miles from South Yorkshire to Mr. Wicks' house in Braintree, Essex. So he's taken some of that Yorkshire pudding on up to Essex. With the poo he had been storing

and then splattered it into the home causing $5,324 worth of damage. Okay, I need to rethink the estimate of how much poo it was in my head. $5,000. He pumped it. Brother be pumping.

But he could have hit artwork. I don't know. Maybe that's some stained glass that he'll never get back. It's stained now. CCTV recorded Holroyd Doveton outside the property on the night of the offense or offense as it's written here, on New Year's Day.

This was his resolution. What are you doing for New Year's, Jeff? GHD was like, I'm cleaning my life up by making somebody else's messy. I'm pubbing poop on New Year's Day. There was a contributor. A bit of a contribution was made Here's my contribution to your house It's the year of the shit

Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? As part of his sentencing He'll have to complete 80 hours of unpaid work The chairman of the bench He should have to clean toilets The chairman of the bench

Chairman of the bench sounds like Frank Sinatra's cousin Dave Sinatra Dave Sinatra is just like Here comes the chairman of the bench chairman of the bench sounds like uh frank sinatra's cousin like wasn't that here comes the chairman of the bench that means in branson and it's a it's a magic comedy musical show i'm in a new haven well he's also got a rat like the mouse pack like he's got like the cousin of joey bishop he's chairman of the bench has the mouse pack. Michael Davis Jr. Neither has no eyes. Here comes the chairman of the bench.

The chairman of the bench, Michael Cadman, called it a pretty horrific offense. It's pretty horrific. It's almost as bad as I have seen in my 30 years of ministry. It's almost as bad as he's seen. There 30 years of It's almost as bad as he's seen. There was another poo. It was a far worse thing. I actually literally shit into someone's house. Lesla Smith

prosecuting said that Holroyd Doveton had planned the act for some time. He pooed into the container. So it's a premeditated poo. It's premeditated pooing and according to the Magna Carta In accordance with all premeditated

poos, that thing was percolating up the M4 He pooped in the container I'm going to ask you guys for how long leading up to the incident. So like how is he storing How much time did he spend pooping into a container? This is important.

I know you're just putting this forth as a fact, but it's important because your anger either grows or subsides. I can understand in a heated moment, you're like, give me that thing. I'm going to shit in this thing. But you drove 160 miles. At mile 90- You made a pump. He made a pump. Also, like, you know.

Are we talking about pounds of poo is what we're going to know. Do you think he had one day where he like went in the toilet and he's maybe going to throw it away and stop his nonsense? And then like. I would say this has been building up for about four months. Ooh. John, do you want a second or third? Four months. Take a guess.

It's New Year's Day. Yeah. So when did it start? On a hot summer's night. Donald Wicks also lives far away from him. Did he move in the intervening? I don't know what, but I'm going to say, boy, I'm going to make him a little less crazy because you poo a lot today, right?

Think about when you poo on an airplane and it doesn't go down and you get a look at it. That's a lot. That's just one. One pound a day. I'm going to do two months. It's still a lot. It's still a lot. Jay?

I'm going to say since Boxing Day. No. I'm going to say five days. I'm going to say two weeks. Two weeks. Okay. Two weeks. So Randy says...

Four months. Jay says two weeks, you say two months. How do they measure time in England? Is it the metrics? Yeah, they do. Yeah, I converted it. They're on the lunar calendar. 80 seconds to one-fourth second.

You said two months? I said two months. Jay, you're saying a fortnight. I said a fortnight. A fortnight. All right. Don't say that word. All right.

How many stone of poo was it? It was about eight stone of poo. Got a great big fucking poo. There's a lighting guy who works for my wife, like a subcontractor. My wife's an interior designer. He's a subcontractor. His name is Del. I think I've talked about him on this.

I don't know. He's the best because he's just like,ractor. His name is Del. I think I've talked about him on this, maybe before. He's the best because he's just like, the second he comes in the house, like if he's ever like, he just starts cursing nonstop. It's so fucking light. Really?

Get this old fucking bitch in there and squirrel it in and stick their fucking dumb piece of shit out of there. I love him and I just love riling him up. I'm like, man, that really looks like it's not working. God damn right it ain't working.

Trying to stick this fucking piece of Boston shit out of there. I think if you're a country that has a class system, once you realize you're in the second one, why not go all the way with it? Who are you impressing? They're not going to make you a fucking duke. Just do it.

We're going to give the answer. Okay. GHD. Fortnite. Joffrey Holroyd Dovington. The amount of time he spent holding his poop in a container is, first let me say this, one of you is exactly right. Now, do you want to guess who do you think is right?

I think we're crazy and I think it's probably the fortnight. I think Jay's right. Yeah, I'm right. If you're doing about a pound a day that he's collecting for two weeks. Because you would need an extra garage. A car park.

Hallroy Doveton. Hallroy Doveton. Hallroy Doveton does sound like the name of a stuffed animal you get from like a... A giant poo. It's one of the Build-A-Bear options. He's the British bear. We'll get you Calderoy or Hallroy Doveton.

He had been saving his poop up for... What do you got? Two months. Jesus! I am horrified that I'm right. Two months! Two months!

Prior to the defense and created a pump. Where? In the house! Had he committed that much to his wife, they'd still be together. That's the thing. He's like, oh, I'm the type of person who creates a shit pump, saves my ship for two months, drives 160 miles to spray it into. He's like, oh, I'm the type of person who creates a shit pump, saves my ship for two months, drives 160 miles to spray it into somebody else's house, but they're the reason that I got my life changed. They're the problem.

What if this was a standard thing to anyone who pissed him off? So the wife had to put up with three different poo stories. No, he created a piss pump for a month. That's how he proposed to me. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of fucking Keith at work. Oh, you're not going to poo? Are you going to do another poo?

Honey, if you poo again, I'm leaving. Honey, where's my poo container? No! You said you'd never poo store again. It's in the garage. Mr. Wicks, who was on holiday with his wife at the time. Ah, he wasn't there! That's almost worse. Or, no, no, maybe he was on holiday with his wife at the time. Ah, he wasn't there!

That's almost worse. Or, no, no, maybe he was on holiday up at that house, so he drove all the way to that part of the... Mr. Wicks, is this the new John Wicks? Yeah. Somebody shits in your house, you just go, now he's on an act of revenge? But he just goes and poos in everyone's house. Like, he's not a murderer.

It's like an outbreak. Mr. Wicks, who was on holiday with his wife at the time of the offense, described it as despicable and disgusting and said it had left him anxious and unable to sleep. I agree. He said he felt his personal space and home had been invaded.

No shit. That's not a feeling, dude. It was. Actually, shit. Yes, shit. It actually completely. You were. Yes. 100%. Yes. Except no one came in the door.

So pound a day. We got to go back to here in a second. Pound a day. Two a day? No. Okay. Pound a day. How many days in two months?

Well, we don't know how many. 28, 28. We don't know if he put it in every time. We don't know if he put it in every time. And we don't know if he was just doing a portion of it. But it could have been over too much. He was contributing to it. Just like my friend was.

I made a deposit at the shit bank. He said he felt his personal space at home had been invaded. Of course. There's no feeling. Emily Hughes, defending GHD, said he felt isolated. What's that lawyer meeting? You're the public defender. What are you?

What's the defense? You just look. You walk in. You're like, what do you want me to do? Because it's on camera. It's on camera of him doing this. It's CCTV of him shooting all the shit into a guy's door. She's going to say at least he didn't poo.

It's not indecent. Think of the things he could have done, Your Honor. He could have done so many things. Because of the divorce, GHD had to move from his home in Braintree to Rotterham. Is that what he's saying? So he had lived there.

He left. He lost the town in the divorce. He left. He went back to the old neighborhood. He lost the town in the divorce. He was incredibly sorry for his actions. All right, guys, we're going to get out of here on this. John Roy, you are a guest, so you can go first, Tigger third. How old is Jeffrey Holroyd Doveton? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? The man who creates a shit pump and a shit storm. You created a shit storm. You really did. 30. 30 years old from John Roy. He's married and divorced, but he still seems pretty cute. So he got married young. Married young.

She left him five years. The marriage lasted. Now he's shitting people's asses. I should also say that pictures from the aftermath will be posted on the Dumb People Town page. I didn't know if you guys wanted to view just some of the stuff that he did. Oh, boy. Oh, man. I tell Trent with caution on this one, Tony.

Just imagine paintball. Oh, my God. Just imagine. That. Oh my God. That's a Jackson Pollock. Imagine paintball, but only browns. It's a Jackson Pooplet. I would say, I think he's 45. And I think she's stuck in that marriage really long.

And he never matured in that point. And then he regressed as soon as she left. Okay. All right. Jason Sklar? 58. 58 from Jason Sklar. We've got nothing left to...

58-year-old man. All right, Jason says 58. Randy says 45. Salt it all. 45. And you said 30. 30. John says 30.

Okay. This will be our parting fact on this DBT Mini. And since you're all listening, let me remind you, on June 24th, Sunday night, 8 o'clock, the Siren Theater, Portland, Oregon. That's going to be in Portland. If you are in the two nights before,

if you're in Salt Lake City, come see us at Wiseguys. Oh, heck yeah. One of the greatest clubs out there in the biz. So yeah, come see the Sklars, and then jump on a flight Sunday, and come see...

Yeah, evenings. The evenings. This entire episode. Playing itself up. We like to pump all of our jokes through the The evenings. See this entire episode. Playing itself out. We like to pump all of our jokes through the mail slot. So here we go. We just spray them out. All right.

Is any of us close? No. Okay. No. Jeffrey Hall Road Doveton is 75 years old. What? You saw us heading in the right direction. I know.

That is a 75-year-old. That's a man who had a lot of time. So in my brain, I was like, 45 means he should know better. 30, you're like, you're dumb and you just are whatever. You're not acting smart. 45, I'm like, you should know better, but his development was stunted. Jason said 58. He was like going in that right direction, but

75 trumps all. This is a wise man who has had time. And by the way, this will be the last act. I feel like this should be on his tombstone. This is his legacy, and this is how he should be remembered. Don't say it, just spray it.

Eat shit, Donald Wicks. Good boy, Donald Wicks. Also, though, think about this. That means the wife left him like she's stuck in for most of her life and still wanted to get out of there. It's like, you know, I'm going to die away from this fucker. It's like the Mandela. It's like the Mandela. He went through prison and divorced his wife afterwards.

How bad was that marriage? That's crazy. There you go. That's how we do it. Thank you, John Roy. You's crazy. There you go. That's how we do it. Thank you, John Roy. You're welcome. And, oh, shit, we've

got an event for work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum,

Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.