Dumb People Town - Johnny Pemberton - A Swagger of Fools

Episode Date: October 26, 2018

Comedian and actor Johnny Pemberton swims on down the river to Dumb People Town to discuss the story of a man who exposed himself at a bar and attempted to swim away from police.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population. What should we say? Pembertonian.

Do we want to say the new show that's on NBC? It's Population Johnny Pemberton. And my friend, you have achieved. You've done this before. I've done it before. You've achieved. It is just amazing. I mean, I feel like we hardly know anyone who's on network TV shows. Can I say, I hardly want to say your name is J.P. Pemberton.

You can say J.P. Pemberton. I feel like that feels like a little bit more like you come from an upper crust background. J.P. Pemberton. You want to know my full name? Yes. It's even worse. Let's hear it. My full legal name is John Desjardinette Pemberton III.

I think that's an amazing name. Desjardinette? Yeah. Oh my God. It even has a lower case D when done correctly. Really? Yeah, it's the most... Desjardinette?

Is that when you have deja vu that you've been in France when you're in France? Desjardinette sounds like someone's full name. I think it is. It's someone's last name. But like first and last. Oh, what's up? My name's Desjardinette. I think you could be if you wanted to change you have a great acting name but if you wanted to change your name to johnny

day jarnay johnny day jarnay johnny five you know like short circuit johnny five johnny five this is a great reggae guy named johnny ringo who i think is fucking cool so i love it dude well you are on a great new show. It's called I Feel Bad on NBC. Yeah. Congratulations. Thursday nights. Dude, you're on the Thursday NBC.

Thursday block. Watch CTV. It goes a friend, Seinfeld, then your show, correct? Exactly. And I feel bad. I haven't watched NBC in a while. Well, last week something crazy happened, which I don't know if it's ever happened before, but it's definitely never happened to me because I was a guest on Superstore the same night.

So it was like this crazy thing. I just took over NBC for like an hour. It's the Pemberton block. It's the Desjardins block. It's like an eclipse, but the opposite. Brightness everywhere. Amazing. So cool. And again, so

cool that you're on this show, which looks really cool. It's a polar produced show. Yeah, which looks really cool. It's a polar produced show. Yeah, it's really fun. It's really funny. Everyone's just, I like working with everyone so much. I don't know. It feels weird. Right.

Weird because you enjoy showing up and everybody's creative and cool. And you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know that feeling. That's what happens in this stupid business. Don't wait for the other shoe to drop. It's phenomenal. Just enjoy it. Just enjoy it.

Enjoy it. Yeah, exactly. You got it Yes Are you still doing Your live show too? Yeah Once a month

Yeah we do it once a month At the satellite I think it's the first Sunday of every month So I think that's November People should go check that out Yeah It's wild

You guys gotta be on it Let's do it I'd love to do it And then you also have The amazing podcast That you do here Yeah live to tape With Johnny Pemberton

On this The Starburn burns i was listening to you guys recording a little bit of it it's so goddamn funny i just i was laughing i was in the you didn't even see me i was in the control room and i was laughing hiding in laughing space i love it uh all right well you know and and it's it's fun and dumb in a in the best possible way there's also dumb in the worst possible way and we we have one way to fight back we have one way to fight back

is through comedy the world's getting dumber let's just get into it you ready I'm getting dumber we all are but Dan let's fight it

beat it back Desjardins this was sent in by Jen at there's a great handle swagger of fools perfect for this show could be the title

of this podcast swagger of fools yeah it's like a foolish swagger I believe of this podcast Swagger of Fools Yeah It's like a foolish swagger I believe you have a swagger of fools amongst you, I say A swagger of fools How dare you present a swagger of fools to me We bring to you a swagger of fools

S-O-F Madison, Wisconsin Great town Here we go Great town Love it We love it there A man who caused a scene at an East Madison bar Tuesday night,

then attempted to swim from first responders, was arrested. Okay. Swim! Yeah. That's the Midwest spirit right there. Lake Winona or Lake Monona? Mendota or Monona? Mendota is a town south of Rochelle, Illinois.

We played them in football a lot. Yeah, you did. Yeah, we did. I think it's Lake Mendona and Lake Minona. Well, there's also Lake Minnetonka. There's Lake Okoboji. There's Lake Titicaca. That's a real lake, Dan.

Lake Tacotico. Thank you. I love Tacotico. Lake Topo Tito. Just put a little bit of that On my burrito Oh the Tapo Tico Lake Pickle Penis Wait a minute

I don't think that is a lake That is not a lake That's what they call it It's been a long time Nothing to do about it He's right It is in Bolivia Great camp

It's what they call it It's what they call it in Bolivia What are we going to do? Get mad I'm just dipping a toe In Lake Pickle Penis What? It's what they call it

It's what they say We're going to go skinny dipping In Lake Pickle Penis What? I didn't name it What? Why are you looking? What? It's what they call it. It's what they say. We're going to go skinny dipping in Lake Pickle penis? I didn't name it. What? Why are you looking at me? It's what they call it. A penis is a thing. It's a word. What? Excuse me. It's how it's shaped. Blame God. Come on. It's a very long fin work. They couldn't decide if it looked like a pickle

or a penis. They named it both. It was 1936. Relax. The water comes from the testicles. What are we talking about here? The earth's testicles. Come on. According to a news release, a drunken man had launched himself into other bar patrons. Launched? Launched himself into other

bar patrons. That means he crouched down and sprung out into Jesus. Playing a lot of Spider-Man. While attempting, he did this, he launched into these bar patrons while attempting to start a mosh pit during a live music performance. Doesn't everybody love the guy who wants to start a mosh pit? By the way, this was an acoustic set, so dick move.

You're very- Dick move. That's me in seventh grade. Just, please, can we have a mosh pit, all five of us? Please, please. I'm going to jump with my back into you. You can't force a mosh pit on people. Have any of you been in a hardcore mosh pit?

Hell yeah. Really? Have you? Absolutely. Really? What show? What shows? I don't know.

Because this was back in the 90s when I was really into Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins. Black Flag. You ever go see one of those? I never saw Black Flag. Perfect Circle. Bad Religion. This is starting to change rapidly into a different genre.

Sister Hazel. Rage Against the Machine. Goo Goo Dolls. 10,000 Maniacs. The Cranberries. Hang on a second. Sophie B. Hawkins. David Copperfield.

Chumbo. What? He had an album. He had an album. Pat Boone. You're doing a mosh pit at a magic show. David Copperfield. Chumbawoma. What? He had an album. He had an album. Pat Boone. You're doing a mosh pit at a magic show. Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance, does an acoustic set. Hold on a minute.

Shoes only. All right. But you loved the mosh pit? I liked it because it was like an outlet. If you're like an angsty young man, which I was, maybe even still a bit angsty. Yeah, you are. But you kind of have to keep your head

on a swivel in a real mosh pit yeah because someone's gonna throw a bow it's like a fight yes it's like a

no fist fight so there's a moment when guys play in professional football where you're like oh you just like hitting people really hard so a mosh pit

allows you the moment where you can be like I'm gonna just haul off and punch somebody I feel like every guy in a mosh pit half wants to fight. They're okay with a fight. It's like, what can I get? Are you like that?

Well, I got to make this distinction here. I believe there is a difference between a true mosh pit and what the school officials would call slam dancing. Yeah. Slam dancing, very different. I was in a mosh pit at the last Jesus Lizard show in LA, which was about a year ago, and it was mostly men over 40. Really?

I love that. Nursing injuries. Just sweating. Really? And you've never seen men so happy in your life. Here's what you never hear in a mosh. Here's a line you'll never hear in a mosh pit. That lady hit me hard.

Yes. You know what else you'll ever hear? Someone holding their phone being like, I gotta take this. Yeah. You'll never hear like, oh, pit. That lady hit me hard. Yes. You know what else? You'll never hear someone holding their phone and be like, I gotta take this. Yeah. You'll never hear like, oh, my wife is so happy.

Yeah. You know what? I'm so happy. Tell my kids I love them. Okay. Well, he tries to start a mosh pit in a bar where no one,

that's the other thing too. You gotta have a group think to a mosh pit. Yes. You can't just be like, I'm making it. Yes. You can't necessarily be

the mosh pit you want to see in the world. It takes a village. Be the mosh pit. You can't just be like, I'm making it. You can't necessarily be the mosh pit you want to see in the world. It takes a village. Be the mosh pit you want to be. Right. Start the mosh pit you want to be. During a live music performance, he launched... Don't you dress for the mosh pit you want to be in, not the one that you're in. There you go. Flowing robes. Bright collars. Something earthy.

Dress for the mosh pit you want to be in, not the group you're standing up to. He was urged to calm down, which is my favorite thing about this. Calm down! I'm urging you! Which means he's not getting,

he started jumping into people and they didn't kick him out. They were like, hey man, I just need you to calm down. Excuse me, sir. I urge you to calm down. That's so Midwest.

Like, hey, can you just calm down a little bit? You just jumped into a woman who's nursing her baby. Can you stop? I'm like an uncle that doesn't have kids that curses me like Can you just calm down a little bit? You just jumped into a woman who's nursing her baby. Can you stop? It's like an uncle that doesn't have kids at Christmas being like, guys, calm down. I don't know how you do it, Deb.

Oh, my God. Calm down. What are you doing? Go outside if you're going to calm down. I'm trying to nap after that dinner. Go outside. And when he didn't calm down, he was escorted out of the bar, which it's almost them being mad. Like, all right, now we got to kick out. Come on. Let's go. You did this to yourself. Who couldn't calm down, he was escorted out of the bar, which is almost them being mad, like, all right, now we got to kick out.

Come on. Let's go. You did this to yourself. Who couldn't calm down? Answer. Who couldn't calm down? You did it to yourself. Who couldn't? Well, I only had 14 lineys.

Doesn't matter. You've got to be able to hold it. That guy over there is at 15, and he's sitting quietly. Get this guy to pay his tab a line on Kugels. Can I take my new Glarus with me? No. You didn't calm down. Not at all.

And you can't take your Plaza Burger either. Get out of here. Don't you walk towards the tornado room. Okay. Yeah, they wouldn't want you there. They will not give you steak bites, you son of a bitch. Once outside, he exposed himself to a bartender who had helped him get out. There you go.

That is not getting you back. Oh, yeah? Well. Look at my fall. Look at one testicle. That was the classic, I hate you, I'm going to show you my... He tried to launch himself into that situation. Here's my bitch. Look at my bitch.

As he was escorted to the bar, he then shows the bartender he exposed himself to help to get him out. The man then tried to go back inside of Mickey's bar, but people inside were able to lock the doors and keep him out. You can't lock the doors in a bar. No, that's a fire hazard. No, but at Mickey's, they don't give a shit.

Get this guy out of here. Lock it. It'll just be us, and we like it that way. Everybody else is calm. We'll call it a dance. You guys good to be in here for another two hours until he works himself out? Oh, yeah. Police were called, and an officer discovered the man near the river.

That's how you know it's about to turn. According to the report, he tried to engage with the man to get him away from the water. However, the man yelled out an expletive and jumped in. Fuck off! Jumped right in.

Get away from the river. I imagine like a super fast current too. Oh yeah, for sure. And he launched himself into the river. He just says, shit! Fearing the man would drown, the officer called the Madison Fire Department, a police crisis negotiator and backup officer. So the officer's like, all right, I'm going to run down the list here.

This would never happen outside of Wisconsin. It'd be like, okay, you've chosen to die. We're going to let you do. Goodbye. You weed yourself out. We're going to take a quick break and we'll come back with the rest of this story. Right after this. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Okay, so the cop is like, you're going to jump. You're going to get in the water. I'm not going to try and save you. I'm just going to call a whole bunch of other people whose job it is to save you. I love that they're like, the second he jumped in the water, they're like, this is out of our jurisdiction. We are stepping back and spreading the blame for what happened.

Do you think the cop walked up and was like, hey, man, calm down? And it's like, no. Don't get in that river. Got to call local 265. Don't you tell me to calm down. Police said an officer used a flashlight to illuminate the man as he swam down the Yajara River. Now, as far as I can tell from looking at the map, the Yajara River splits that lake or those two lakes.

It spritzes. It spritzes. How many blocks do you think this guy swam down the river? Okay. I got a story that relates to this. Sure does. So I went to Florida State. So you get it.

One of my best friends went all the way to Florida State. We watched the games together. Sure. At one time, he drank a whole bottle of rum while watching the game when they lost. When they beat the Canes. This is like 10 years ago. And my friend. Back when they were good.

Back when they were good. Yeah, folks. He was so excited that he, wearing a Penny Hardaway jersey, fueled on a full bottle of rum, runs about flat sprint for about two miles. No! You know that kind of, that certain people when they get really drunk, they do this thing like, oh, I'm just going to exercise

like a fucking triathlete. In jeans. Yeah. And a Penny Hardaway jersey. Oh, that's awesome. Just running down Hollywood Boulevard. So you think this guy maybe has that drunk exercise strength.

So how many blocks do you think he went? Oh, I think he went? Oh, I think he went probably the most anyone's ever done. He probably broke a record, but no one was caring to watch. You're our guest, so you can go first, take a third, and your official number of how many you think he went. And I'll tell you the answer. How many blocks? Okay, is it one, two, or three?

No, as many as you think you did. Blocks? But how do you measure blocks in a river? Because the river goes right along the city so they're following them along the side I'm gonna guess swimming's hard

I'm gonna say 7 I wanna call your friend Usain Barf if that's possible what's your guess Jay my guess is 12 blocks I would call your friend insane bolt that works too insane bolt uh i think he went 20 blocks 20 blocks that's too far yeah

come on 20 20 blocks that's like olympic level that is this is police said the officer used a flashlight to illuminate the man as he swam which which means he's walking along the bank. I can see you. Yeah. He's with the current, you guys. Come on. It's like he's on a people mover. It's like in Call of Duty. He's trying to dive in.

Yes. He swam. The amount of blocks he swam down the Yahara River was? What'd you say, Johnny? Seven. Seven. I said 12. Jay said 12.

I said 20. Randy said 20. The number is four blocks. Johnny, way to go. The entire time, the officer and other first responders were putting plans in motion to save the man from drowning should he go under. You mean go get him?

What are we going to do if he goes under? I think we go get him. Let's go drag the river. Put that plan in motion. This is where you got to have your friends, your drinking buddies are supposed to help you out. That would be funny if they were like, here guys, That plan in motion. This is where you got to have your friends. Your drinking buddies are supposed to help you out. This guy has friends. That would be funny if they were like, here, guys, you're with him. You got to get him.

We'll watch. He does this every Saturday. But what are his friends doing? While in the Yajara, the man swore at the primary officer and at one point threw his shoes at the cop. Perfect. While swimming? Yes. Great move.

Yes. That's a lot of energy. Get out of here, a-hole! And he's like throwing shoes at him. He's got to tread water while he throws it. The man also threw his pants and underwear on the shoreline. So now he is Donald Ducking it in this river.

And no phone. You know he doesn't have a phone on him. This story was sent to me on October 3rd. This water is freezing. It feels good. Oh, yeah. Very refreshing. He's saying that to the cops.

Get in. Get in, guys. It feels great. It feels great. My pants are off. So, yeah, he throws his pants and his underwear on the shoreline. So no shoes, no pants, no underwear, just a shirt. Yeah, no service.

The swimmer tried to take off his shirt but failed. I can't. Like, he got one arm over his head. He's trying to do the crawl. I can't. I can't. Like, you got one arm over his head and it's stuck. You can't get it out. Drunk web.

There is nothing. That feeling of pulling a wet shirt off of you does, like, suck. Oh, you can't, like, I try and do it for my kids sometimes and it's so hard.

What if it's a button down? Oh, yeah. You can't get that off. Oh, you're done. It's like, I don't know how to. I can't get a button down off dry half the time.

Above a river. This guy's swallowing the river every two gulps. Eventually, he got onto dry land, and just as he was about to enter Lake Monona. I was right. Monona and Mendota. In the report, the primary officer said a Madison firefighter, this is what I love, Tackled the shit out of him. No.

Turned the hose on him. No. Touched his penis. Touched his heart. Touched his heart. What? Quote, they said, quote, he was outstanding in developing a rapport with the suspect and convincing him to get out of the water. This is that classic Buddhist thing where it's like the guy who wants to use his karate

to defend someone. Instead, the old man's like, relax. I've been there before. Tai Chi, Judo. Yeah. Judo's the shit. He takes his energy and uses it. How much is it like, get out of the water. Just get out of the water. He stands up and just his junk is free

flowing. Everyone's like, get back in the water. He gets out and he's probably like, hey man, don't calm down. I get it, dude. Don't calm down. Swim crazy over to me. I've been divorced nine times. I get it.

How many times? You only three? Hey, listen. We're in Wisconsin. I know when someone's left my cheese out in the wind. I feel you, dude. We're in Wisconsin. Don't worry about getting arrested.

They're going to do toast to you at Mickey's bar from now on. You're like a little Madison legend. You're still okay, man. They're going to name a triathlon after you. You're going to have your own brewery. The Madison Fire Department wrapped the man in a towel, and police were able to recover his pants, although, quote,

we never found his underwear and shoes. They belong to the river now. Those are hanging up in the bar. Is that your underwear and shoes? It's Moody's now. It's the river's now. It's the river's. The wet man was not happy and berated those who had worked to help him. He needs to make a friend, dude. This is on you now. You's the rivers now. It's the rivers. The wet man was not happy and berated those who had worked to help him. He needs to make a friend.

Yeah, dude. This is on you now. You know what? You think he's saying, you assholes, I was going to get this out in that mosh pit. Now I'm just angry at you.

That sentence you just said, the wet man was not happy, sounds like a reading trainer. Yeah, that is. The wet man was not happy. The wet man was not happy. The wet man was not happy. I don't know why,

but now they finally give his name. Like how to teach people English. At the end of this story, William Odenweller. The Bob Odenkirk of wet...

He broke really bad. He will face... I was down in the basement for a while with William. Yeah. And he wouldn't come out, so we just told his mom

that Odenwellers are moving. Where did they go? Where did they go? Hey, is William down there? No. Is he still in the base? I'm not down here. Fuck off.

Where'd he go? I cried at the end when they shot the dog in Olden Willer. Yeah. That was really one of the saddest. Really sad because we love that dog. It was a golden retriever. We love that dog. William Olden Willer will face tentative charges, which I love. Really sad because we love that dog. It was a golden retriever. We love that dog. William Oldenweller will face tentative charges, which I love.

They're like, we'll see. Yeah. Of eluding lascivious behavior. You should have to swim in the river and pick up trash. Is that right? Disorderly conduct. You do it on a highway. You got to do it in the river.

Disorderly conduct and unlawful trespass. I'm going to ask you guys now. How old is William Oldenweller? Wow. This is a tough one. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. You are our guest, Johnny. You can go first, take a third, take a second. You tell us where do you want to go and what your guess is after we've decided that.

Where do I want to go? You want to go first? I'll go first. Okay. I'm good with first so far. How old do you think William Oldenweller is? I think he is 37. Okay.

Okay. Jason Sklar? This guy's 56. 56. No way. This guy's 24 years old. Okay. He's just got that crazy, I got to get this out of my 56. No way. This guy's 24 years old. Okay.

He's just got that crazy, I got to get this out of my system. All right. 56, by the way, means that he was about 25 when Pearl Jam came out. So he's into the mosh pit. He's in that era. Okay. 56 years old. Okay. Before we give away this answer on this round of Guess the Age,

does anybody have anything else they want to plug? I do. Go ahead. Did I mention that show or not? No. What's the date on that? October 26th. Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Parkway Theater. Heck yeah. It's my solo show. Go hit it. One person's solo show at the newly renovated...

It's called Moving Through Physical Space. Nice. It's kind of a wild... And if you're not there or you missed that show, definitely come see the show that you do at Satellite,

which is a monthly show. That's in LA. Other one's October 26th in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It's called The Parkway Theater. And check you out on NBC's Thursdays at 9. Yeah.

I feel bad. We... Austin, Texas, the 7th through the 10th you out on NBC's Thursdays at 9. Yeah. I feel bad. Austin, Texas, the 7th through the 10th of November. Cap City. We're doing this big benefit in St. Louis of the Project Wake Up at the Chaminade Theater in St. Louis

on the Saturday night of Thanksgiving November 24th. It's going to be really cool. Tim Convey our buddy is hosting the event hi Tim I love you where is that? it's in St. Louis, Missouri

it's a great cause and we're going to be headlining and doing raising a lot of good money December 10th we're doing a live Dumb People Town at Largo

how about that? looks like that's going to be our 100th episode come out for that one that's going to be huge if you're in the LA area we need you out for that show

so we've got and we'll be in San Diego in January. And then also on the 20th of December, we're headlining Flappers here in Burbank. Guys, as you know by now, but I keep saying it because I want to hang out with you. I want to see you townies. I will be doing the second leg of my tour starting on the 1st of November in Seattle

and then Bellingham and Eugene and Portland and San Francisco and San Diego and L.A. and Phoenix. So go to danielvankirk.com if you want to come hang out with me in the beginning of November. How old is this son of a B? Son of a gun. Let's review our answers. Johnny said.

I said 37. I said 24. Randy said 24. I said 56. 56. One of you is one year off. So now we get to play the game of who do of you is one year off. Oh. So now we get to play the game of who do you think is one year off. Who do you think is one year off?

Johnny? I'm going to have confidence in myself and say yes, me. Okay. I'm going with me too. I'm going with me. Wow. Everybody stayed in their lane. All right, Townies, get your answers in right now because-

Yell at your earbuds. William Oldenweller, the man who wanted to start a mosh pit where no one else signed up for that launched himself into people then launched himself into the river then launched his own junk at someone yes and they had to lock the doors of a bar like in Bronx Taylor

lock the gates now you can't get in okay ready he is 36 years old 36 Desjardins Desjardins yes Desjardins.

Desjardins. Way to go, Johnny. I guessed it because it's what I would have done. How old are you, sir? That age. He loves it. I Feel Bad, NBC's. That's Thursdays at 9.

Check that out. It's my solo show. Your podcast here at Starboard Live to tape Live to tape Check it all out You are such a good dude And we're so happy to have you on the show And you just play this

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