Dumb People Town - Johnny Pemberton - Marathon Bummer

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Comedian and actor Johnny Pemberton stops by as Jason explains how a man claiming to be a time traveler threw a brick through a family's window to save them from a future event, Randy describes a Florida man that tried to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a hamster wheel, and Daniel warns against working out in the middle of the night lest you get stuck upside down on the equipment, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Hims! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast band With co-hosts Armand and Dan And don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hungry Down is Dump People Town Guys, I want to talk to you about our sponsor, HIMS.

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H-I-M-S dot com slash D-P-T. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton. What's up, buddy?

Is it John Q. Pemberton? John Q. Pemberton. Johnny Pemberton. What's up, buddy? Is it John Q. Pemberton? John Q. Pemberton. It's Jimmy Jason Jack Crack Corn Pemberton II. Good lord. Pemberton II. Okay, good. And those are Minnesota Vikings colors for those who are watching. This is a Vikings hoodie. This is a Vikings sweatshirt.

We're representing, dude. Quick trip in the Vikings? And I'm all parody. Nothing says Minnesota Vikings more than sunshine yellow. Exactly. There is a little yellow in the beard. Right? The colors are purple and green.

So when there is a yellow out at a Vikings game, people really go nuts, right? They really try and yellow it out. They do a white out now. They don't do a yellow out. They do a yellow out. They should. They do a white out. That's just people in Minnesota.

Can I ask a question that many townies who are also sports fans maybe even the two of you will make fun of me for you may as well but i do not know this what what is why do you guys yell skull because it's a it's a nordic thing it's a nordic thing like i swear to god based on how i was raised in northern illinois yes no because of that because of the culture of living in the Midwest and Wisconsin and my family and people in Minnesota, I was like, I guess, probably sometime in the early 90s, they just started cheering for how much they loved

dip. It means long cut in Norwegian. Did you see me look at you like this? You saw it. Dan said uh-huh. Of course I did. Dan, it is viking for like charge look i have no problem admitting you're dumb i have a problem with people who stay that way so it's learning like right there's no dumb question so you are always that's what i love

about you you are always involved i'm like johnny who has been like in a static stasis from the time he's 15 years old you were evolving evolving. So you guys yell skull. Yeah. It is a newer thing, though. It's a thing that started, I don't know. I've been a Vikings fan for about three and a half years, to be honest. I got into them, but now I really like them a lot. Great.

I love it. What a great thing to come to them late in life. I think it's a good team. It's a good team because they are not good. Right. Well, so I became a fan of the Lions a couple years ago, and they were not good when I became a fan, and now they are good, and everyone thinks I'm bandwagoning,

but I was in on them when they didn't make the playoffs. Why did you join the Lions? Just because of college? You started loving all things Michigan because of college? Because they drafted one of my favorite players in recent time from Michigan, Aiden Hutchinson, the defensive end. I'm like, this is a guy who's going to change the culture here. I know it.

Because he did it at Michigan. I know it. I know it. I know it. And he did. He was part of it. All right. Should we jump into a dumb story?

Let's jump into a dumb story. Because dumb people are doing dumb things. Then we'll talk about what you're doing. Skull. Skull. Skull into this story. All right. This is sent in by Larissa at the girl on the wall.

And you want her on that wall. You need her on that wall. Here's the wall. Then you want her on that wall. You need her on that wall. Here's the headline. Man claiming to be time traveler throws brick through window to save homeowners. I mean, in his mind, he's doing it right.

Look, I love sci-fi. We're probably justifiably about to make fun of this person. But what if he is a time traveler? What if he is a time traveler? The question is. What's he saving them from? What.

Right. And by throwing a brick through a window. What are you really doing? You're really just. Damaging property. So. But if they were going to go to dinner. And then.

They were going to get. Killed on the way to that dinner. Throwing a brick through their window. Will ruin that night. And they will not go to that dinner. True. So maybe they. I understand what you're saying. You're trying to throw a wrench

into their plans to keep them safe. Through the window. A wrench into their window. It shouldn't be a fly in the ointment. It should be a brick in the window. Let's put a brick in the window. Let's put it all. Hey we're just another brick in the window. New corporate term. We're just another brick in the window. It's a fly in the ointment. It's a brick in the window. Ain't it? And it's a brick in the window.

It's a brick in the window. A window brick. Alright so here's the other thing. When you see a crazy person on the street like you ain't gonna tell me that shut your mouth charlene or whatever god damn like well charlene is a bitch what they're hearing on the other side is the other half of that conversation right they're hearing charlene say i've never liked you you're a bad person and they're responding to something so in their world it's very real right oh yeah i'm a mistake of having a conversation with a person who was talking to themselves once when i first moved to la i was like and the guy got so mad at me

and you jumped in you're fucking up the other conversation he's having you're interrupting you interrupted the person who wasn't there all right uh a man and we'll get into how old he is later claiming to be a time traveler, was arrested after he told Ocala police that he threw a brick through a home window to save the occupants from a future- Home window. From a future event. This is a Florida story.

Right. Ocala, Florida. Central Florida. Yeah. On Saturday, May 13th, a day that will live on in- Yeah, because he saved their fucking lives. 513. You'll never forget.

Remember where we are. An Ocala police department officer responded to a local residence in reference to a possible burglary. Upon arrival, the officer made contact with the victims who owned the home. According to the arrest report, the victims told the officers that a loud crash woke them up. Worst sound you could ever hear. And they heard their baby crying. All right, so now. Oh, that's bad.

This is crazy. Why? He's trying to save the whole family. I don't get what you guys aren't getting here. You know that if the guy's just standing there when the police come and says, what you guys don't understand, that's the way every conversation starts. Yes. Right.

So when they checked on their baby, they observed that a bassinet filled with stuffed animals was on the ground and the window was smashed. So he threw the brick through the baby's window. Whoa. God damn it. God damn it. What if the baby is the reason this changes it they kill the baby kills talk about baby hitler yeah i was about to say is this is this baby so dana gold's bit you know dana's bit yeah the that great bit about like if i someone showed him a picture of a little baby

and it's like how adorable is this baby and he's like it's a cute baby he's like what if i told you that's charlie manson as a baby he'd be like oh my he was like that's insane and then he got me he's like if i could go back in time i would go back in time and take charl the time machine go back and take the baby charlie manson and baby hitler and i would use the baby charlie manson to beat and destroy baby hitler he's like sure at time, it would look weird. It's great. They advised that a large brick was also found on the floor, according to the OPD report. In addition, the victims stated that they found a book outside

their home near the front door that did not belong to them. Time traveling for dummies? This is important. The Time Traveler's Wife. It should be The Time Traveler's Wife or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. What should it be? The Pelican Brief or something, you know, really innocuous. Yeah. The shooting script to the firm.

It's the game. The game. By mystery. Yeah. Oh my God. And Neil Strauss. Mystery. Gotta neg him.

You gotta neg this family. Gotta neg that baby. The officer walked around the perimeter of the victim's home and noted the report that the gate to the backyard was open. The officer observed the broken window. The window screen was found on the ground. The back door of the victim's pool was also open. The victims informed the officer that prior to the incident, the gate was secure and the screen was on the window. Obviously.

Yeah. We don't leave a screen on the ground and we don't leave a door. The brick didn't come from the baby's bassinet. Yeah. The brick isn't coming from inside the house. Do we know that, though? Exactly. That's what I'm trying to say. Do we know? Do we know who the baby's bassinet. Yeah, the brick isn't coming from inside the house. Do we know that, though? Exactly. That's what I'm trying to say.

Do we know? Do we know who this baby's going to be? This guy knows who this baby's going to be. Right. Is this baby reading? Thank you. That book. Is that book from the future, and it's the baby's book?

Oh, my God. I wish it. Several officers canvassed the neighborhood in an attempt to locate a nearby security camera in a residence that had an open front door. The officers made contact with one of the home's occupants who identified himself as Daniel Robert Dinkins. Oh, my gosh. Let's get the mayor of New York.

Daniel Dink. That's two-thirds of my name. Daniel Robert. Yes. My last name is Van Kirk. So Daniel Robert. Unless this guy is you from the future, Dan. Dan! And he did this because he knew he was going to make it on you from the future, Dan. Dan!

And he did this because he knew he was going to make on this show. On Double Town. Okay, shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down. As Gordon Ramsey says, shut it down. Shut it down.

Shut it down. According to the OPD report, the officers told Dinkins, Mayor Dinkins, Mr. Dinkins, would you please be my mayor, that they were in the neighborhood investigating a burglary that occurred down the road. Dinkins spontaneously told the officers, that may have been me. Now, that may have been me.

That may. But I'm not back yet from the future, so I don't know if that was me. That may have been me. He further informed the officers that he had gone swimming at the victim's home and threw a brick through the window. Oh, this is a classic crazy. Right. So this is a

nut. So when someone says there may have been a... I'm starting to get bummed out because I really was like there may have been a... Wait. There may have been a burglar in the neighborhood and you go all the way to I... That may have been me. I threw a brick through the window and I also was swimming in their pool.

Well, I missed that part. He swam in the pool. Yeah, I swam. And it's also soaking wet in his clothes. This might as well be the Joker here. Yeah, he's got another brick in his hand. And after being read his Miranda rights, Dingens admitted that he broke in the hand is worth two in the bassinet.

You know that you know that Dan, he admitted to really wanted him to be a time travel that he broke in the hand is worth two in the bassinet you know that you know that dan he admitted to really wanted him to be a time travel that he broke into the victim's residence to go swimming in their pool that's all he wanted to do hey man yeah quick quick question interjection your honor if i may sure did any of you at any point in your life pool hop no jump in other people's pools like you go around town in high school and you just jump from one. We didn't have pools. You go to a swimming school, get out, run, go to another pool. We did not have pools.

No, I was, like, convinced. Pretty fun thing to do. Of course. Terrifying if you're the family. Oh, my God. You're in high school. It's you and, like, a couple girls you have crushes on. Yes.

And it's a whole group of people running around, jumping into pools. I mean, it's. Maybe you're a little. You know, you don't need to underage drink, but it's Rochelle. It's trespassing, but it's a victimless crime of some sort just getting the experience and coming yeah and you take a little shit in the pool right a tiny little shit everyone takes a little bit of a shit and a tiny brick through the baby's bassinet right leave a book on the front desk just kids being a little bit of book on the front stoop just kids being kids uh and he left the book

on the front door because he quote wanted to share the book with them is it the autobiography of leo i like this guy this is a full crazy this is like the full-on like this man is it's the diary of anne frank he's done so many things here that like if it was just one you'd be like all right this guy's nuts but then the swimming and the book makes him huge yeah it better be the Da Vinci Code. Yeah, yeah. That's right. This is the Da Vinci Code.

Dinkins further admitted that he had grabbed a brick and used it to break the window. So basically, they said there may have been a burglary down the street, and this guy won't start talking. When did he start talking about time traveling? The OPD report said that Dinkins told investigators that he was a time traveler. Thank you. And needed to save the victims from an event that is going to occur in the future. Can you tell us what that event is? I need more details.

We need more details. During the post-Moran interview, Dinkins advised that he was unaware that a baby was inside the room when he broke the window because in his eyes, it's an older person. That's a 23-year-old kid. How could you have not known? He also told investigators he was trying to save the baby

from something way in the future when the child is much older. What? This is. I need more details. I mean, I kind of. Dan, I'm sort of on his side. He has good intentions. Yeah.

He has good drugs, too. Yeah, great drugs. This is a meth sort of thing. Whatever he's cooking. Let him cook. Let him cook. The drugs. Dinkins was arrested, transported to Marion County Jail, where he was released on the

same day on how much bond? What's the bond for something like this, Dan? Ten grand. Ten grand? Five grand. Five grand? Twenty grand. Get your answers in.

You guys are all hovering around it. $15,000. Okay, there you go. He's facing a felony charge for burglary of an occupied dwelling. Court date has not yet been scheduled, but I'm sure he knows when it is. He does. He's already done it. He's been in court. He knew this was going to happen. I'm sure he knows when it is. He does. He's already done it. He's been in court.

In court and in jail records. He knew this was going to happen. I'm going to show you a picture of him. He looks a little like Seth Morris with a goatee. Can you see him? Oh, yeah. It is kind of Seth-y. Can you see him?

He looks like he works at Universal's Halloween Horror Nights. And he definitely is like- Or auditioned. Just has the soul patch. That's all he's got downstairs. Right. Right. That guy is definitely on match. You saw his picture. Let's guess how old is downstairs. Right. Right. That guy's definitely on match.

You saw his picture. Let's guess how old is that. How old is Mr. Dinkins? Would you please be my mayor? He is old. Daniel Robert Dinkins. 26. That's a good guess.

That's a good guess. 26 years old? Okay. 23. Damn it, that's what I was going to say. Sorry. Michael Jordan. I'll go swoosh.

Swoosh. That's what he said when the brick went through the baby's room. I hate to do it, but he's 24. He's 24 years old. Get your answers in. Because he is from the future, from your age. This man is 37 years old.

Wow. That kid is not... I was guessing drugs that he looks older than he is. By the way, time travel is treating him well. It's a good look. How old is he?

37 years old. I can see it now. I see it. He looks good. He looks good. Come on, Dan. Dan, he looks good. Not a gray hair on his face.

That was too far away. That's far away, yeah. Not a gray hair on his face. Sorry, sorry. All right. Okay, fine. Please look at this, man. He looks good. Yeah, he's 37 away yeah not a gray hair on the end sorry sorry all right okay fine please look at this man he looks good he's 37 looks like that's a baby face maybe he's the baby you're right he looks like what if he's the baby matt dylan like if that's a matt dylan character yeah it was very matt dylan dave it's early dylan i miss matt dylan we need more matt dylan don't

i uh bob dylan i just saw Matt Dillon. Yeah. In a coffee shop? Yeah. Really? What's that place? Did you see Adam? What's that place people go that you have to have a membership?

Soho. Soho. Yes. Love it. How's it going, man? All right. All right, man. How's it going?

All right. We're going to take a break. I like this girl. I like this girl a lot, but I don't know. She's fucking crazy. God damn it. Pretty good. Fucking crazy. I need to get a gun. Oh, no. Drugs are coming. No but I don't know. She's fucking crazy. God damn, man. Pretty good. Fucking crazy.

Dude, I need to get a gun. No, no, no. Shit. All right, fuck, man. Put your name in. Johnny Pemberton is with us. We have more Dylan impressions. We're going to tell him what he's got going on, and we'll give our stuff that we have on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere.

Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, y'all. Welcome back to the show. Johnny Pemberton is with us. I'm here. We're going to talk about what he has going on so you can support him and watch the things that he's made and is doing and tour and all that stuff.

Let's talk about us. Here's the good stuff that we have going on. We're going to be in Denver on If This Drops before that on, uh, February 1st, second and third at comedy work South. And then the beginning of, uh,

of March, we're going to be at the first club we ever performed and got paid at Mark Ridley's comedy castle in Detroit. We haven't been there in like over 30 years or 30 years. So going to be fun. Yeah. Go lions. Detroit's happy.

That's a happy town. We're excited to go there. Uh, then we're an Acme comedy Club at the beginning of April, and then Moon Tower at the end of April. And then just added, we're going to Salt Lake City. Jordan landing that club, the Wise Guys Club there. It will be there in May, May 17th, 18th.

Superschoolers.com, check it. You can get all the tickets on there. Let's sell these shows out. Send a message to everybody that you guys are strong and long and mean and all that other stuff. And we'll tell you other stuff that we have coming on and coming up, like our two-man show, which we're working on right now. All that stuff will become apparent as we continue on.

Johnny, tell the people where we can find you, do stuff you got going on, all of it. You can find me right here, right now. Thank you. But I'll be in Chicago February 14th through the 17th doing my one-man show. I love it. at the Den. It's a Minnesota reggae colostomy bag. Yes. Performing it live at the Den Theater in Chicago.

Very exciting. The show born out of what? Stand-up and other stuff? Yeah. It's like a hybrid sort of format, but it's definitely stand-up comedy, but it's no mic. No mic? Yeah. No mic. Yeah. You're walking the's, you know, no mic. No mic. Yeah, you're walking the prowl on the stage. Exactly.

No mic. That's the main difference. I love it. Phenomenal. At the Den Theater, you can see it then. Other dates beyond that? Nothing confirmed right now that I can remember, at least. Okay, good.

All right, so Chicago, show up. Chicago, be there. And the Den Theater is a great place to see stuff. So we did a live dump people down there. People love that place. I love there. People love that place. I love that. I love that theater. Great setup.

And a great store right across, a great clothing store right across the street there. Check that out, too. Shall I jump into this? Yeah, second story. All right. Sent in by Matthew Freeman at Not Your Average Matt. And it's AVGMatt on 96. You ready for this?

And this guy, you got to love the gumption. I'm just going to say right now. Florida man who tried to cross the Atlantic in a hamster wheel is arrested. I'm going to run across. Why would you get arrested, though? So a Florida man was arrested. I mean, this is what people do not really understand. Did we do this story before? I don't think we did.

We've done. We did one. Oh, maybe we did do this story, actually. I don't think we did. It does sound familiar to me. Is this a recent phenomenon? I don't think we did a one oh maybe we did do this story i don't think we did it does sound familiar to me is this a recent phenomenon i don't think we did this story i don't you know what even if we did i don't know it's gonna be new jokes or you will see that our minds always work in the same right okay fine but wait this is when people truly do not understand distances right right yes like remember when diane and niad tried to there's a whole movie about her trying to swim to cuba and there's all the jelly

fish in there and she kept getting stung and she was like this unbelievable swimmer that could swim like so far and then she became an npr reporter she's like i can swim 90 miles to 90 miles cuba so sharks i swim across and back my lake up in Wisconsin. It's so much. I would bet you that across and back, I actually knew this because my watch

saved it, but I think it was maybe, it's not a huge lake. Across and back, I think it was maybe like a third of a mile. Still so hard. There is Crossing back, I think it was maybe like a third of a mile. Okay? Yeah. Still so hard. There is a point, and I know I've done it almost my whole life, but there is a point where you go.

I'm going to drown. No, you just go like, man, this is a little bit farther than I thought. You know what I'm saying? Like where you're like, I'm out here in the middle of this lake. I can't go back. And I do a thing. It tethers around my waist waist and it's like a floating big bright colored like neon colored buoy that you should always have with you if you're doing lost long distance swimming because um one it tells everybody even though there's hours on my

lake where it's no wake so i shouldn't have to work you never know yeah and then the other thing is if i did cramp up our dina break you can hold on to it and float and you wouldn't need anything smart so yes i use it every time i swim across but i'm just saying even in that which is very short there is a point where you're like man i still got a ways to go i gotta go and so someone thinking oh i'll go to cuba or i'll go across the atlantic has i don't think has any true concept of what distance so here's what he wanted leaves flor Florida man arrested after trying to quote run to. Forget storm. You could be a mile

out and you're like oh I mean the storm's gonna kill me. But he's in a hamster wheel. He's fine. He is fine. By the way I have now Why is this in my feed like now all of these videos of like huge waves like crashing through ferries Because they're awesome. You like it once and they're like oh you like, oh, you like that?

Oh, you like that? You like that? You like a ship getting tossed? Or tossed? All right. So a Florida man was trying to run to London. That's his thing. The run to London.

He's going to die. A homemade vessel resembling a hamster wheel. U.S. Coast Guard intercept. From Florida, too. Would you start at Florida to get to? Isn't that even longer? Yeah. You've got to go up.

You fly yourself up north. Right. Start in Maine. If you do it like you fly yourself up north right start it if you do like a plane if you do like a plane you actually will make it shorter you go a little bit up to come a little bit down you gotta get the hamster wheel there it's gotta be hard to get the hamster he should be going like alaska to russia right that's 30 miles yeah u.s coast guard intercepted reza belucci about how many miles off Tybee Island, Georgia. So he left from Georgia.

Georgia? Yeah. He left? So he's got to go around. No, he can go to Savannah. Right, yeah. Okay. Still stupid.

Go Knolls. Go Knolls. Go Knolls. I'm to Florida State, man. All right. So how many miles off of the coast? Oh, I think about 69, 71, maybe better be fucking 69 or 71.

Yeah. You, what are you going to pick? I'm going to pick 71. Okay. What do you think? Three. And even then I'm like impressed.

I was going to say one. Yeah. I was, my first thought was is zero an option. One of you is one mile off. So now it's me. Okay. What do you think? It's 70. Cause I saw it over your shoulder. God of you is one mile off. I think it's me. Okay, what do you think? It's 70 because I saw it over your shoulder.

God damn you! God damn you! You know what? You're an honest man. 70 miles? He went far, dude. So now I have to hold it like this. But why is that illegal, though?

Why can't he do that? Yeah, why can't he do that? You should be able to do that. It's your line. Well, I think one reason you have to, there's like that it's your it's your one reason you have to there's like uh i'm sure it's federally some sort of regulation of knowing people that you like you're in shipping lanes right right right i mean it's like it'd be like can i run a marathon through an airport uh no you can't run a marathon through like oh but i'm just running a marathon

you can't run on the tarmac but oh, but I'm just running a marathon. You can't run on the tarmac. But that's private property. The ocean, international waters, that's fair game. There is an argument to be said what you said. That if you want to go do this. Let me live my life. And you know you may die. Let him die.

Because we're not making it illegal for people to parachute. We don't make it illegal for people to do the gliding, jump off stuff where it's like you mean the all the squirrel suits and they always go and what do they say they're like oh uh they always have to like trucker demone whatever their name is trucker demone that is the best name ever trucker demone my name's trucker demone that's what always does these types of lives that's x games always have they always have the craziest name. Trucker. Trucker DeMoney.

He's not a trucker. Trucker DeMoney. His first name is Trucker. Yes. He died doing what he loved, and the people just accept it. But they also, they're like, I'm going to die doing this. Right. And it's going to be a great day.

I agree. I am getting way on board with you that he sort of is like, hey, if you want to go do it, I mean, you're going to die. Let's go through this. But then the resources are going to have to be used to clean you up think about that fucking sub the one that went you know i know the submersible they lied about that stuff i know dude they used like a nintendo like game boy to like control it all right officials say the and we'll guess his age later i'm not looking over your shoulder anymore marathon runner refused to leave refused

to leave the vessel for how many days? So they made contact with him. And then for how many days? And he just kept going. Yeah. This guy's a badass now. He's like, I'm not leaving this thing. I am impressed with 70 miles. How many days did he?

12 days. What do you think? Four. Six. Six. One of you is one day off. One of you is one day off. Seven.

Five. Is it me again? No, no. Just one of you is one day off. Seven. Five. Is it me again? No, no. Just one of you is one day off. Oh, three. Three, three, three. Three? What do you think?

I think. You can go one up or one down. I think it's me. I think I've got that. Eleven or? I think eleven. Eleven. Seven.

Get your answers in, Townies, because he would not leave the vessel for three days. Daniel, very good. Yeah, nice, Dan. Mr. Bellucci. I feel like that's being too kind to the guy. John or Jim? It's too formal. Bellucci.

Hey, where's my brother? According to Reza. Just kidding. Mr. Bellucci, I feel like that's being too kind to the guy. John or Jim? Too formal. Bellucci. Hey, where's my brother? According to Reza, just kidding, Mr. Bellucci, according to, has tried three similar voyages before, all of which ended in Coast Guard intervention. Okay? The makeshift contraption he was using was shaped as a wheel with paddles that are designed to propel it forward. So what's happening? Either Coast Guard's seeing him or other vessels are seeing him radioing Coast Guard because he doesn't want them to find out. They're like, this bitch.

But it's, like, gigantic, and you're going to see it. He needs to do this on, like, Christmas Day, where most people are not going to be out on the water and lower staff for the Coast Guard. Why is he doing it in September? And the cops pull up, and they're like, you lose your riverboat? Yeah, exactly. What's going on there, buddy? What's cops pull up and they're like, you lose your riverboat. Yeah, exactly.

What's going on there, buddy? What's happening? Anyway, do you know how fast you were going? Based on the condition of the vessel, which was afloat as a result of wiring and buoys, Dan, U.S. Coast Guard officers determined Bellucci was conducting a manifestly unsafe voyage. So that's where they can step in. We're protecting you from yourself.

Mr. Bellucci's voyage began as officials were preparing for the arrival of a major hurricane not a good idea read the fucking weather if you're gonna build this thing oh wow we did a story probably oh my god years and years and years ago we maybe did this on one of his earlier ones no i'm saying we did a story about a guy who went over Niagara Falls and killed himself. That's right. And he sold shirt. He created a website called something like his name was like, his name was like got me over a barrel. And he was like, he was like trucker to moan, died on the Niagara Falls.

Like he knew he wasn't going to make it. And all I got was this. Yeah. And he sold t-shirts and all this stuff. And there was just a thing of him. he was gonna do this yeah and he's gonna stop him like there's a part where they should have been like hurricane's coming we're gonna give you what you're gonna come with us you can ride this out you didn't want him blown back into someone's house that's what i'm saying he's 70 miles out that's yeah but hurricane can he's not

gonna make it hurricane could drop him on the other side. Officials say he refused to step off the vessel and threatened to kill himself. Well, that's what you're doing with the vessel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to kill myself. We know. We know. You're doing it. Do you want to do it now or in like 20 days?

Slowly or quickly? How do you want to go? Because these were three days, and he had already started. I'm trying to figure out how many days. Because think of all the protein bars you would have to bring with you and water. And it would melt. And then this is where, do you want to hear how? At least a month.

This is where you're kind of like, well, you don't have a plan. He's like, he also claimed that he had a bomb on board. Shut up. Why would you want a bomb on board? Right. So this guy, he's nuts. So you wanted to get caught. On September 1st, he eventually surrendered and abandoned his vessel after being brought to a Coast Guard base in miami and then taken to a rave kidding uh officials later determined that the bomb had been fake so he

did have a bomb on board but it was fake fake bomb again adding weight yes why are you adding weight to the thing you got a pedal he's now facing federal charges of obstruction of a boarding and violation of a captain of the port order. This is all like old pirate law and stuff. This is all like, you know, like, my favorite name for a job is the stevedore. The stevedore says you have come forth to this place and now you shall be banished here. You have angered the stevedore. Parley, parley.

The stevedore clause allows me to step forth three steps to you under the now of the sun. And may have sexual relations with your spouse. The Commodore. The stevedore says that? Prima nocte. I love the stevedores. There is a street in L.A. called Commodore Sloat. I love it.

Great name. Great name. It's unclear whether he obtained a lawyer to represent him in the criminal case. This is a guy who represents himself. Right and he's and he's like i only work from a standing desk that's right well the courtroom is a regular i'm bringing in my standing desk i said what i said i said what i said your honor i need to speak with my client what are you doing in 2021 he was arrested after being rescued while trying to ride from florida to new york after drifting how many miles south of his departure point he was trying to go florida but he drifted how many down from new york how many miles did he drift south when he

was trying to just listen to the jews you come down from new york to florida that's how it works 17 miles how many miles did he drift it was near 25 miles. What do you think? I'm going to say 24. Okay. Get your answers in, Tannies. He drifted 30 miles south. Oh, wrong way. South of the departure point. Look at current.

So this dude doesn't look at current. He also doesn't look at the fucking weather. Weather patterns. Yeah. In 2014, he had to be rescued from a similar contraption near St. Augustine. Oh, this guy. And then two years later, he had to be rescued off the coast of Jupiter near Palm Beach, Florida. This guy is now your kid

who won't stop sticking his finger into the socket. This could be a cool movie. Yeah. To quote Biggie Smalls, he is ready to die. Right. According to previous interviews, Mr. Bellucci said he was attempting the voyages to raise money for a variety of causes, including for the homeless and the Coast Guard. Coast Guard's like, we're good

and we do not need you to raise money Guard's like, we're good. We do not need you to raise money. Hey man, we're a federal organization. What? You want me to stop raising money? No, it's for you guys. This definitely feels like an after the fact. What? You want me to stop raising money for you guys? Oh my God. Somewhere there's an ex-wife who's like,

you know, I haven't talked to the news. I have no idea what he's up to. That was him? Oh wow, okay. He always said he was going to do something fun. That explains a lot. I have no idea what he's up to. That was him? Oh, wow. What was he up to? He always said he was going to do something fun. That explains a lot. I always thought that was a joke. My goal is to not quote. My goal is to not only raise money for homeless people, raise money for the Coast Guard, raise money for the police department.

Again, police department is like, do not rope us in. Don't rope us into that hamster wheel. You've diversified your charitable donations so much that no one's going to benefit. And raise money for the fire department. How much money have you raised? Nothing yet. About 30 cents. I love the idea that things raise money.

Like if you do something crazy, it's like, why are you doing this? It's like, oh, to raise money. Breast cancer awareness. It's like, eh, you can't do that. It's not like, someone should just say, oh, why are you doing this? Oh, because it's fucking crazy and I want to do it. Because I'm a nut and I want to just, yeah, I want to do it. So do you think that we'll ever have another evil Knievel?

Do you think we'll ever have another guy? We really don't really much have that. Illegal. Illegal Knievel. Illegal Knievel. Come on. That's who this guy is. Illegal Knievel.

I think David Blaine is our most like, yeah. Like crazy. Can you believe he did that? Like, no, but like walking across a high wire. That's been so well into brother. Yeah. Yeah. The Willinda guy. Yeah. The Willinda you believe he did that? No, but like walking across a high wire that's been so. The Walinda brother.

Yeah, the Walinda guy did that a couple years ago. Yeah, the Walinda's like, yeah, they have to have continued to have spawn. Anyway, they're in public service. They do it for safety. They help other people. So again, he's trying to get everyone on board with him. It's like, don't throw this guy away. He's doing it for the police department.

Anyway, so that's it. It's a good trick. We're going to get out of here on this. All my comedy shows are starting to be, I'm raising money for the police department. Anyway, so that's it. We're going to, we're going to get out of here on this. All my comedy shows are starting to be, uh, I'm raising money for the police department, the fire department and for the coast guard. I don't think,

yeah, I don't think this guy should be referred to as a marathon runner. I think he's like, he's done it fine. But like, that's not how you identify this guy. Just crazy guy on the ocean. Like,

sure. Like daredevil. Like you said, illegal Knievel. That's the way I would, sure. Like daredevil. Like you said, illegal Knievel. That's the way I would describe it. Marathon bummer. Right. How old?

We'll get out of here on this. How old is Reza Baluchi? He's a marathon runner. He's a rebel. He's a rebel and a runner. He's a signal that turn in green. He's a guy on a hamster wheel that wants to run a big machine. Nice. How old is Reza Baluchi? wheel that wants to run a big machine. Nice.

How old is Reza Baluchi? We'll get out of here on this. And then, Dan, you got the last story. I'm going to guess that he is 41 years old. What do you think? I was going to guess the same thing, honestly. Really? So I'll guess 37.

Okay, Jake. Because the other guy was 37. I was going to say 37. Wow. Look at this. Now you got to guess something. Look at this. I'm going to say he's Reza Baluchi. I'm going to say he's 33 years old. Look at this. Now you got to get something. Look at this. Look at this. Rezabalushi.

I'm going to say he's 33 years old. 33 years old. Get your answers in town. We've got one more story. Johnny Pemberton. You guys are going to see him in Chicago at

the Den. Chicago. Doing his. 14th through the 17th. 14th through the 17th. And it's like something. Reggae Minnesota Colossus.

It's going to be bad. Good enough. What is it? Minnesota Reggae Colossus. You almost got it. You almost got it. like something. Reggae Minnesota Colossomy bag. Good enough. What is it? Minnesota Reggae Colossomy. You almost got it. You almost got it. All right. Reza Beluchi.

Reggae Minnesota Colossomy bag. Minnesota Reggae Colossomy bag. Reggae is 44 years old. You guys are right around it. We'll be right back with more. Dana got the last story. We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town with Johnny Pemberton. Stick around. Make a sound. back with more Dumb People Town with Johnny Pemberton. All right, guys. Real talk. I gotta tell you

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Make it sound. There's more. Don't people town. Hey, y'all. Welcome back to the show. Daniel, before you jump into the final story give us a little taste where people can find you i'm so excited for your special to come out in april i cannot wait for wine club movies out now though movies out now is out right now i really it feels so

good to say this confidently um if you go and watch it i believe you will enjoy it yeah yeah we've all done yeah been a pro done projects and stuff we're like nobody really needs to check that out this is not one of those things i'm proud of the work that i did it i'm proud of my performance i'm proud of the people i made it a good movie to everyone in it is so funny and uh yeah it's just a really good fun this time of year like let's just watch this and it'll be a good time. You know what I mean? It's a great, like, indie film that is, you can get it wherever, wherever, wine club. And I don't say this with any sort of self-boltsfulness,

but I'm not in, like, just one scene. This is, like, my movie. He's the lead, dude. Sometimes people are like, oh, I thought you'd be in that more. I'm in it maybe too much, you could argue. No. Stop it. No.

I like to do the opposite. I like to be, be like the things i'm in the most like yeah i'm i'm just there and they're like johnny you're in that yeah uh so it's called wine club check that out i have dates uh danielvancurk.com i don't know exactly when this drops i might have been in des moines and cedar rapids but i will be uh at beginning of march i'm in dc i'm also going to be in wisconsin I'm part of Netflix is a joke at the bourbon room on Mother's Day. That's a Sunday. Everything is up at danielvankirk.com.

And Rose Gold comes out April 17th. I hope you check it out. I love it. All right, Daniel, let's jump into this last story. Ready? Yep. This is from Adam Poulton at Poulski75. Woman stuck upside down in exercise machine calls nine one one for

help. Dude. I love that. She had her phone on her. Might've been her watch. Yeah. You doing it through the watch. Look at her.

Oh my God. Oh, that's one of those teeter hangups. Yeah. I've never done this. Is that a back thing? Yeah. Like you hang up the inversion therapy table.

I'm Batman sort of thing this is just a simple 40 hour abs third story little dumb person poor thing footage captured the embarrassing moment

in Ohio Jim Bunny Jim Bunny? Jim Bunny is that a word? Jim Bunny do you have to touch a woman's ass when you say that

that you don't know that's not what I like he's like a nice female. It's like a gym rat. Like a gym bunny. I'm always with a little gym bunny. Gym bunny. She was ass over tea kettle.

Gym bunny. Just gym bunny. You guys want another round of drinks? That's who says gym bunny. This guy. How you doing? It's making me uncomfortable. Just let me get a carrot juice for the gym bunny.

I mean, you guys are a little bit older than everybody than us but i'm just saying i always i say this i have a brother eight years younger than me and and when i talk about like technology and society and stuff i tell people and maybe it was just rochelle but i think it probably holds up for you guys as well my childhood is closer to my mother's experience yeah than it is my brother's who's eight years younger than me because because internet and everything dude my daughters who are two years apart have like yes a massive i remember being in grade school again this may be a rochelle thing because it's a little small farm town but i remember syncing up the vinyl record with the reel to reel yeah to watch things in class but by the time i graduated high school we had cell phones and dvds damn that movement is insane right that is wild but there is

just this jim bunny thing is what i'm running off of so i apologize but there is we did live in enough of that era where there still was the like you men would just put their hands on the small of a woman's back that they didn't know to like order another drink such a wild just a wild it's why like whatever i watch like old mad men i'm like oh my god like we remember cigarette ashtrays in mcdonald's oh yeah oh i remember planes people would smoke on the plane yes and you'd sit in the non-smoking portion of the plane out in the back there was uh polish airlines this is true this is not a joke not a polish joke i love i love i have a lot of these in my hour i tell people go this isn't even a joke i'm just telling you our friend went on the march of the living to go to like the concentration camps in poland and he flew on polish airlines and he said the left half of the plane was smoking and the right half was not this is even that is like it's true everyone on the left side of the plane was smoking everyone

on the right side had to call sometimes i still do it i walk into a restaurant and they'll be like uh for two i go yes smoking it needs to come back i really think that after covid should be like yeah you guys can smoke in the airports again now okay just everywhere just like give it up i'm not gonna smoke but that's a vaping section okay where was it poor girl poor girl yeah this uh woman this trapped upside down in exercise equipment and had been had to be extricated by police this is so embarrassing christine falds told the dispatcher after calling 9-1-1 in a clip depicting the freak accident why isn't someone else at the gym calling it for? Because it occurred at 3 a.m.

while working out at 24-hour powerhouse gym. Come on. Just say who's taking the video? Doesn't someone work there? Yeah. She's got the keys. How did it happen in Berea? She was reportedly filming herself using the inversion table, a medieval-looking contraption that

allegedly eases people's back pain by turning them. Who was writing this? Allegedly medieval? This is all like someone who doesn't trust the inversion machine. Also extricated? Yeah. In a video of her mishap, she said that she had set up her phone, quote, to record a video of me on the inversion table

and I'm just saying how much I love it for my lower back, especially when I'm going to the gym at 3 a.m. And my back is really stiff and I don't want to wake up. Okay, we get it. She must get hit on all the time at the gym. There's nobody there. I know.

I'm saying she's like the only time I can go is at. She's a gym bunny. She's like the only time I go at 3 a.m. I want to get on. It's 3 a.m. I must be working out. It's 3 a.m. I must be hanging.

Yes. And she says, baby. I'm stuck in this. Okay. We need to extricate you from me upside down as well however the exercise equipment went south and so did she that was me after she became stuck dangling upside down in the device it wound up being a viral video in the making then it then it just caught the whole thing and kept recording she she said, of her at the ready phone. Naturally, I had to post it. Yeah, exactly. In one of the Humility and Clips folds.

F-A-U-L-D-S. She did post it, Dan. Can be seen flailing helplessly after realizing she was trapped. At one point, the Gymshark. The Gymshark? Is it Shark now? Gymshark. Oh, my God.

What is this, the New York Post or something like that? Gymshark. Even attempts to, I'm going to tell you, it is the New York Post. Yeah. Oh, post even attempts i'm gonna tell you it is the new york how do you like that of course it is yes the new york post feels good okay that feels good the new york post is like the guy putting his hand on the small but it's kind of you know you gotta admit it's better than other reading other things it's nice and fun i want to punch the new york post in the face yes but that's why it's good yeah that's it evokes an emotion and angers you yeah and one of the the gym shark even attempts to crunch her way up to

the leg clamps and undo them a la houdini so that's the moment you're like i need to work on my abs more because i'm only getting up to my mid-thigh fold's predicament was particularly dire as there were only a few other people at the gym during the overnight hour and they were in other rooms with music playing staff was also absent because users scanned key cards for the entrance at that time the inverted influencer explained now they have one of these in rochelle too it's called 24 hour fitness and i always wonder who goes at 3 a.m there no matter what time i roll let's say i land at midway at fucking 10 o'clock i get my rental car i drive out to rochelle it's now it's 11 30 midnight whatever and i'll look because i drive by and there are people in there yeah i always wonder who is that right but then also what how much is the insurance policy you have to have

to be a gym that allows people to work out with you sign a waiver you sign a waiver when you sign your contract that like if i'm here in an hours where no one is here, that is my responsibility. Everything's on me. Everything. Everything's on you. Thankfully, the imperialed Ohioan was able to use her smartwatch. There you go. Jay said it. Wow.

To dial 911 as seen in the hilarious clip. Call police. There's only one person at the gym, and I got stuck. You know that backboard thing she could be heard saying while hanging from her feet? I'm stuck in reverse, like back decompression thing reverse stuck in reverse reverse a human bat bat woman i think the thing went there hasn't been a bat woman come on there's cat woman girl there's that girl but that woman right well come on make it a mature human being yeah an old bat she is a woman that's what's wild old bat's come flapping around here again.

This woman inverted upside down at the gym. She's bad. This is an origin story, Dan. I think something went too far, and I just got stuck upside down and can't get myself right side up, she continued, telling the dispatcher, who didn't care. I'm stuck trying to get my buddy's attention, but he's in the other room lifting.

I'm sorry. I'm just stuck. He's lifting too much, and I told him not to lift with his back but he's in the other room lifting. I'm sorry. I'm just stuck. He's lifting too much. And I told him not to lift with his back. Like she adds all these other details. And they're like, police arrived at the scene and freed her from the spine decompression. Which how much you want about one of the guys walked in and was like, get the jaws of life. Bat lady over here.

How many minutes do you think she was stuck upside down? 42. 42. 42. In honor of Jackie Robinson. Yeah, I agree. I'm guessing 28. 28? 35.

35. 35. In total, Falls had been trapped upside down for 12 minutes. Oh! That's not that much. She had to call within the three to five minute range, which still gives the cops about 10 minutes. Oh, it's not that much. She had to call within the three to five minute range, which still gives them, the cops, about ten minutes. Kudos to the cops

for coming right back. Pretty fucking quick. But being trapped upside down, it wouldn't take me very long to be like, I'm scared. Yeah, I agree. Upside down. If you're trapped at all. Do the cops have to break through the door to get in? No, I'm sure they... No, they just sign up for a 12-month membership. You guys

do need a pass. If you're going to go back there, you do need a pass. You cannot use the sauna or the showers. That would be a funny sketch. Sorry, guys, but it's auto-renewed. We've got to sign you up. You've got to remember to cancel. If I just let you in and then I see that you guys

are just going to start working out, I'm going to have to let every first responder in. We do have these policies. We've done that in the past. Obviously, thank you for your service. If you do want to go help her today, I can give you the passes. We will need to do a tour of the lockers before I let you into that area. You could do it if you wanted to sign up for a dual black membership, which is the Black

Express gold level. You guys can share it and you guys would save $5 a year. That's like four classes a month. Four classes a month. Anyone you can just drop into. You can share that class and it also rolls over, but we have to do cash only. Cash only and it's all going to be up front for the first four years. This offer does expire

today. Actually, we only take traveler's checks. Not even cash. The exercise enthusiast wasn't harmed during the ordeal. She said she doesn't know if she'll ever go on that table again, to be honest. Which means she's going to do it. I want you on that table. She also said she'll avoid, because she put all this on TikTok, for a few days.

She's going to avoid because it was so overwhelming that I need a mental break. In retrospect, Fold said she learned to see the funny side of her situation. Did you? People are saying, why would you post that? So embarrassed. 12 minutes in the air. But I'm like, sometimes you got to laugh at yourself and move on. The mortified fit influencer so is the deal with the post is that you have to describe them in a

different way every single time i think that's sort of it yeah so wait wait told complex this woman it's not sometimes you have to laugh at yourself this woman was like i will go viral with this i got the clip i think i it. While certainly a comical situation, getting trapped upside down isn't as humorous as it sounds. According to Healthline, it is possible to die from hanging upside down for too long. It's rare, but blood can pool in the head, which can be extremely dangerous for the body. There you go. God bless the police department for being there for her. I mean, this is when they saved her.

Can I see what she looks like again? I'll try, yeah. She's a fit influencer, guys. Let me see. She's a gym bunny. Is she a bigger person? Yeah, she's a little bigger. She's great. God bless her. So did the machine break or did she have that? I think

either it did break or it does look like she's a little inverted. Or maybe it went too far. By the way, that can't be comfortable. I wonder if it's the kind of thing that you, if you can can really get your you can push it down and then but you can grab those handles the idea is you grab the handles and you can throw yourself forward also can't you like just underneath i don't know i don't know how it goes there's a huge tractor tire yeah this gym is rough can't she throw herself onto her side like knock the machine over or something oh my god that would hurt so bad randy if you break a leg yeah all right that's a there you go that's the story

go to johnny's one man show check it out chicago you guys know i know a lot of my chicago people come out go check it out and go see us go see dan's movie and uh when his special comes out we love you guys so much thanks for supporting supporting us and oh shit, we got to get back to work. Boom. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town.