Dumb People Town - Jon Dore - A Dash of Grandma

Episode Date: November 27, 2018

This week comedian (and Canadian) Jon Dore visits Dumb People Town!In Story 1: a vicious fight at a gender-reveal party at Applebee's. Story 2 is the tale of a man who makes trouble outside a Medieval Times -- then that same night, skinny-dips in a shark tank. (It may or may not have been Rob Ford.)Story 3 brings us cookies baked with a special ingredient: Grandma.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Population door. Old Canada. The door. Old Canada. The door.

Old Canada door. Okay. That's not a thing. Old Canada door. It could be, eh? That's your Canadian tour, is old Canada door. Yeah. A Canada door. And it's just a can of you.

Like Labatt blue. A Wilson golden. Yeah, a can. I'd love to get a beer going. That'd be great. A Jonador. There's a Tom Green beer. Is, I'd love to get a beer going. That'd be great. A Jonador. There's a Tom Green beer. Is there really?

I should get a beer going. Yeah, he's got two. Is it served from a moose udder? No, it's not. Maybe that's the thing. We'll get into the design. The four of us, Dan, I'm including you. As a Canadian, welcome to the table.

There's a casserole for you to eat. I hate that. Spoon some out on your plate. There's a casserole for you to eat. I hate that. Spoon some out on your plate. There's some tomato aspic for you as well. Do you want me to crinkle some chips on the top of it, make it a little crunchy for you? Oh, did I not put the chips on? You've got to crinkle it, John. Oh, jeez, Jonathan, I feel terrible.

I didn't bring the corn chips for the... Make sure you leave a huge helping for Brandon. He's getting so big. I didn't bring the corn chips for the hamburger medley. I think we talked about hamburger medley once before. Hamburger medley. That was an actual recipe my mother made for my cookbook. What's the medley?

It's just like ground beef noodles. Like a version of something we've all had. Chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you crumble corn chips on top of it. You bake it in a casserole. Oh, yeah. Hamburger medley.

So as a child, I'm like, Mom, can we have hamburger medley? Like it's an actual thing. But I thought other kids had it, too. Like food was just what, you know, there was different kinds of food. What you have is what everyone has. Was it Allison? Hey, what did you have last night? Hamburger medley.

They're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, shut up. Oh, I'm, no, I Shut up. Now I'm learning. What was the recipe that your aunt was making while you were masturbating into a cup for Those were Hello Dollies.

On the John Doerr television show. Well, John, we are so happy you're here because we have a bit of a hamburger medley of stories. A hamburger medley of dumbness. I like it. We crinkle the dumb on top. Our fans send in these great stories, and we thank them so much and so dearly.

Daniel, should we jump into one right away? Let's do it. We have John Doerr here. I'm glad you're here, John. Nice to be here. I also want to remind all of our townies, our 100th episode of Dumb People Town, a live Largo on the 10th. Will Forte.

It's going to be unreal. If you're in the L.A. area and you came to the one that we did at the Castle a while back, we've gotten better at it. I love that one. That was a great one. With Jonah Ray, we had so much fun. We just had the live one drop from Phoenix. I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving.

So fun. But you guys are doing Largo on the 10th? Yes. There you go. Done. Largo. Greatest. Greatest venue. The best venue. Shoddy Door Store. Are you ready for this? Flanagan.th? Yes. There you go. Done. Largo. Greatest. Greatest venue.

The best venue. Shoddy Door Store. Are you ready for this? Flanagan. Flanagan. Doesn't get better. Flanny. This was sent in by a townie named Lauren McNeely.

At Lauren, L-A-U-R-E-N, underscore McNeely. Man or woman? Could be either. Either one. I like a man named Lauren. How many? There are Laurens, right? Yeah. I like a man named Lauren. How many? There are Laurens, right? Yeah.

I like a Lauren. That is a cool name. Lauren Schatz. Lauren Bouchard? Lauren. Lauren Schatz? Lauren Schatz. Schatzy.

So wait, what? Lauren Schatzy was who? No, that was a kid we knew who would play baseball. Lauren McNeely sent the story in, but McNeely feels like this person, man or woman, has a YouTube channel that just does a news show called the McNeely Report. Sure. So, okay. Is this a man or a woman, or does it matter?

It doesn't even matter. They sent it in. Oh, okay. So the clarification doesn't matter? No. It doesn't matter. I was just dicking around with the name. Just a tangent.

It's like the tomato ass pic on the table. Didn't need it. Didn't need it. No one ate it. Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready. Didn't eat it. Didn't eat it. No one ate it. Are you ready for this? Yeah, I'm ready. Boardman, Ohio. Police in Boardman

were called to an Applebee's restaurant on Monday night. It's the neighborhood restaurant. Already trouble. For a fight that had broken out during a gender reveal party. Oh! Now a few weeks ago we had the gender reveal. That went terribly wrong. He lit off fireworks and started a

70,000 acre No, 130 It was like 280,000 acre Wildfire Because the gender reveal party fireworks went off Gender reveal is when someone is transitioning And they show their new genitalia No, not that far

But feel free to celebrate your moments in life. To put a dick on the table at Applebee's is like really saying something. Also, that's a Tuesday. Do you know what that means? That's like, I'm paying for the apps. There you go. So Applebee's, just to start it straight, I want to be, because we got into fireworks pretty quickly. That's a past story.

But this story, this Applebee's, what exactly happened? A fight broke out? Police and boardmen were called to an Applebee's restaurant on Monday night for a fight that had broken out during a gender reveal party. What are some of the specifics? Are we getting into it? Oh, John, we've got to get into everything. According to an incident report from police, officers were dispatched to the South Avenue

restaurant at 8.59 p.m. I want to hear the dispatch. Nine. Eight. Eight. Eight. Eight. Eight.

Eight. Eight. Eight. Not nine. Approximately 8.59. For a report of a fight between staff and a large group of customers. Staff is gone. You've lost control.

Okay. You have lost control of the bees. By the way, they're like, what do we have in here? Gender reveal party? It'll be easy. I'm going to let you two go. We don't need more staff. You know, the manager right beforehand.

This should be really easy. Darla, David, you guys can take off. But is it like the thin blue line? Like you mess with one Applebee's employee and you're going to get the whole gander? You get the gander? You get the whole hive? The stick knives. Yeah.

It's like the warriors. It's like, don't go home. Don't go back yet. Stick around. To me, if you're Applebee's, I'm taking full, hot, steaming fajitas, putting it on people's table. Sizzle plates. And just shoving it into people's face.

And not telling them that the plate is hot. Applebee's is known for their Jack Daniels infused things. Everything's steaming. So what has happened between staff and these people? I must know. I have too much curiosity. Well, the other thing, too, is- What is the firework that went off here between staff?

You're about to find out. 8.59 is early, too, because do you guys know that Applebee's... 859 AM is early? No, PM is early. What? Applebee's, no, it's early for this to happen, because Applebee's did a... I don't know if they still do it, where, like, after 11, they would close their dining room and then try to convert their bar into, like, a nightclub, and it was called The Bees.

Oh, boy. Yeah, you didn't know this? No. What are you talking about, Dan? Yes, Applebee's had a promotion and it's called The Bees? No. Yeah, you didn't know this? No. What are you talking about, Dan? Yes, Applebee's had a promotion where it was called The Bees. You got to go to Niagara Falls, guys. It's where it happens. The Bees?

It's where all shitty restaurants live. Every Applebee's turns into an African-American strip club. You're like, what? Wait a second. Why not? And Niagara Falls is all just the worst chain restaurants you've ever heard of. Or restaurants you've never heard of. That you'll never go to. It's either Chili's or Traveler's Delight.

Neither of them seem like good options. Chungo's. Like Chungo's. There's a restaurant called My Cousin Vinny's Is that a thing? Yeah, I think so I did not know I never heard of this either

So Niagara Falls, I passed My Cousin Vinny's I'm like, what? They made a restaurant out of them? And so the movie's got to get kickbacks, right? They have to, right? Like a bubblegum situation? I imagine So they tried to make a restaurant out of the movie Or did they make a movie out of the restaurant?

I want to know if the kid's menu says Utes on it at my cousin's. It has to. It's got to be the Utes. It's got to be the Utes menu. It has to. Are you going to order off the Utes menu? Yes. I will.

Okay. Yeah, I apologize. I derailed the conversation. It's a terrible time. You can't derail. You can't derail. You were talking bees when 9 o'clock hits and the lights come down. You also can't derail this show.

The disco bee. A manager told the officers a reserved party of 20 people came to the restaurant at around 7 p.m. The manager told police guests planned to reveal the gender of the new baby with confetti poppers inside the restaurant. So you were right about fireworks. Yes. Confetti poppers inside the restaurant. The idea that you're like, what are we going to do with these? Well, once we go inside, we'll just all shoot them off inside this restaurant.

We can shoot stuff inside of a... And these days, just hearing a pop, pop, pop noise and you don't expect it and you're someone else's restaurant, that's a good feeling. Although if you're scared, but then that scared gets covered with confetti, you win. I guess. These are confetti poppers.

Let's be clear. And they are alarming. They are extraordinary. If you don't know what a confetti popper is, you've never been around one, if you're not ready for one to happen,

they will scare a human. If you're behind a human and you fire one off, they will jump. They will scare a human. If you're behind a human and you fire one off, they will jump. They will be startled. Worst time to have a confetti popper? Worst time? People who overuse the confetti popper. Funeral bad.

Could be fun. Could be if you're celebrating life. Post a very regular sexual experience. Confetti popper goes off mid-eulogy. It's like, Randy, I'm trying to do a eulogy here. Randy! Enough with the confetti poppers. But they are startling.

They are quite loud. The manager told guests, or told police that the guests tried to reveal, or wanted to reveal, the gender of the new baby with confetti poppers in the restaurant. The manager said she asked them to move outside so other guests would not be disturbed. Which is within Applebee's jurisdiction. Reasonable request. Here are the things that are within Applebee's jurisdiction. They can ask you to move outside

if you have a confetti popper. They can also marry same-sex couples at every Applebee's. But only after 9 o'clock when it becomes bees. And in certain states, they can decide when you pull a plug on a relative. At Applebee's?

Within their jurisdiction is to... You gotta go to Niagara Falls, man. It's true. It's called Applebee's Sure. They can euthanize pets and people. Well, they mandate pets. Mandate pets, but they can actually euthanize. It's genocide with pets, but it's euthanization. Also, the fact that this manager said to them before it happened,

Can you please go outside? She clocked, like when they came in, she's like, we're going to have trouble. This is what you do when you see a bachelorette party walk into your comedy show. You're like, this is going to be trouble. Oh, it's like, sometimes I get excited. Like if I'm in a bad mood, I'm like, okay, good. Good. I'm going to get out.

Because we're going to get into this. We're going to get into this. Get out a little bit of this. By the way, at my cousin Vinny's, they eutonize them. They eutonize them. Very good. Squire brothers. Send us all your cars.

It was good, though, too. But it was also good. It was good. Thank you. Dan loved that. Dan opened the door on that, Jeff. Who approached who? Was it the staff that approached them?

So the staff sees this group coming in and they see them wheeling in a bunch of confetti poppers. Hey, you guys, if you want to do that, you guys need to go outside. That is not an unrealistic. Wheeling in confetti poppers. That's a lot. How many confetti poppers are we? I'm assuming it's a confetti bazooka. No, no, no.

They've got to wheel it in on the gunner platform. Fact and fiction are being blurred here in my mind. I don't know. You couldn't see that they had confetti poppers. So they have a bag. She must have. She must have. I'm assuming she asked the staff, can we set these off?

Or they noticed them and said, what are you saying? She said that she asked them to move outside so other guests would not be disturbed. So I feel like maybe they got them out and they were getting ready to like... Hey, hey, hey. They were locked in the home. How about we take this outside? The party went outside, popped the confetti poppers outside the front... So they listened to them?

Yep. Dan, is this going to be a story where we're like, who are we mad at? I don't know. It's twisting. I like it. I like it either way. Well, they listened to them. Yep. Dan, is this going to be a story where we're like, who are we mad at? I don't know. It's twisting. I like it. I like it either way. Outside the front door.

So they went immediately out front and just started. And if you're walking up to the restaurant, you're like, we might be at Applebee's on the best night ever. Guys, we are the 10,000th customer. I don't know. If you know what a confetti popper is, I think you're there on the worst night ever. There's a group of people saying I don't have confetti. Yeah, we'll go somewhere else. We'll go to the Traveler's Delight.

Let's go. Everything served in an umbrella. Yeah. So they go outside. Traveler's Delight. They go outside in a rain hat or an umbrella. Or a boot. Confetti poppers outside the front door, leaving blue confetti all over the sidewalk and on people's cars.

It was a boy. The manager said... It was a boy. It's a boy. Boy, is this a big mess. The manager said she asked them to clean it up. So now you've got 20 people who have been drinking and having fun. You made them go outside. They listened to you.

They popped their confetti all over. You've got 20 people who have been drinking and having fun. You made them go outside. They listened to you. Yeah. They popped their confetti all over. It's a bitch move to pop confetti in someone's parking lot and make the restaurant clean it up. So the manager says to them to clean it up. Totally. I'm totally with the manager. On this side, I'm 100% with Applebee's. She said that's when some of the party members became agitated and started yelling at her and the hostess.

Guys, the hostess didn't do shit. The hostess is making sense. She's just looking kind of attractive and she's trying to get people to... She just missat them three times. That's all she did. All she did was leave a four-top by the kitchen. Can I talk to a manager here?

What's the problem here exactly? You asked us to come outside. We set off our confetti. Now you need to clean up. Oh, now we clean it up all of a sudden. You know what? I'm going to get my host over here. Yes, how are you?

How come you didn't? Where were you when we got here? Are we seating them? We're not seating them. We're not seating them. Do I have to clean out all of this? We're having a boy. Do we need to get a high chair for the boy?

No, he's not born yet. My beeper just went off. It's just flashing. It's not actually going off. I have to go back and clean the menu. So of course they clean it up. They have to clean it up. That's what you do when you litter. That's what this is. They've littered. Trash on the ground.

Pretend it's not confetti for a second. Pretend it's like your celebration is... Condoms. Use condoms. Or stepping on a... Crumpling a beer can and throwing it on the ground. So if you did that outside... It's a girl.

It's the same thing. In Canada, that's what you do. Hey, it's a Labatt blue. It's a boy. It's a Labatt blue. It's a boy. It's a Molson gold, and it's a girl. How do you guys do that? I know. That amazes me.

They both saw the same joke. It's unbelievable. So anyway, you litter, you pick it up. That's where, you know. Agreed. So far, I'm on Applebee's side. We're on the side of the bee. Agreed.

The bee is winning here. The bee in Department 23. She said that's when some of the party members became agitated and started yelling at her and her hostess. She claimed some of the party members began screaming, quote, I'm going to beat your ass, and telling the hostess they were going to fuck you up. No!

This turned real quick from a celebration of new life. I'm going to beat your ass, and I'm going to fuck you up. I'm going to beat your ass to the manager. And I'm going to fuck you up. I'm going to beat your ass to the manager. And I'm going to fuck you up. To the host. I'm going to beat you ass.

No one is going to beat you up. I'm going to fuck you up. But I'm going to beat your ass. Yeah, this is insanity. This is Ohio. You say broad something. Broad her. Boardman. Boardman.

Boardman. You got nothing else to do. Broad her. Broad her would be ridiculous. Boardman. You got nothing else to do. Broadherb. Broadherb would be ridiculous. It's Boardman. Okay, yeah. According to the report, two members of the party threw menus across the room at the hostess who was struck several times. No.

Two menus struck her several times. Several times to two menus. Right. Okay, these menus are crazy. These are magic. These are magic. These are boomerang menus. It didn't say how many.

It says two members through menus. Oh, I thought it was two menus. Two people have a just... Paige turns picking them up, and then you have to walk it back and try and hit her with the menu. Hey, Randy, you got this pile? Because I got this pile. Let's go nuts. And it's just Frisbee style throwing.

This is like Applebee's cornhole. Can you hit her? I'm not victim blaming, but after the first menu, leave the area. You move. You move. Unless they hit you at a moving target, though, then that's on them and a little respect. A menu will not go exactly where you want it to go, even if you're Frisbee-ing. Look, an Applebee's menu is massive and it's leather-bound.

No. Is it not? That's Cheesecake Factory. Oh, I thought it was so thick. It might be, but I'm also picturing a single, like... Oh, a wobbly... I feel like Applebee's... They sometimes have metal corners.

We gotta get to the bottom of this. The bourbon glazed section of that menu is at least 100 bucks. This is dinner time. It is not the V yet. It's not past 9 o'clock. It's not the V. Some drink menus at, like, TGI Fridays are bigger than a Diary of a Wimpy Kid book. Yeah, we have to find out the size of an Applebee's menu because if it's a leather bound, I'm

not saying it's massive, but it's protected with those gold edges. It could hurt. And you're whipping those things. Not a lot of control. You're going to lose. There's not a lot. So, by the way, kudos to the people that are hitting the hostess. Yes, great job.

That became its own game. You stand still. Just see how many times we can hit you. It's possible the hostess took it as a challenge. You know what? I've got American Ninja Warrior tryouts coming up. I'm going to take this as a challenge. Try and fuck me up.

I found the menu. It's like a trifold plastic menu. Oh, well, that's impossible to throw. I don't know if you can see. How are you going to throw that? Now I'm angry at more. Now I'm even more upset at the people throwing the menus. No, because you got no shot with that.

Because it's not. One flap is like a third the size of the page. The other flap is a full page that comes over top. This is ridiculous. You're just acting out. To attempt to throw something like this with any accuracy, I mean, you've really gone bananas. It's basically like for these people bringing a boy into this world. It shouldn't happen.

Tell me about the night you knew I was going to be. We're going to be parents. Whipping menus. The manager called police just before members of the party began to leave the scene. After they left, the manager noticed a bill that had not been paid. I'm going to ask you guys, how much money do you think this 20-person gender reveal party I got it left the restaurant coming to you with an overview to find out

how much damage did they do John you are a guest you can go first Tig Tig went between the two of us

so she's second or third or third can I just dive in? Yeah, you go first. And I'm going to explain a little bit of my logic, but I will be brief, I promise you. I'm going to assume, gender reveal, they're bringing a lot of their own items in. I'm going to say they probably had appetizers.

I don't think there's a lot of alcohol involved because da-da-da-da-da. I really don't. I think it's going to be less expensive than more expensive. I'm going to go with the total. How many were there? 20. I'm going to go with less than $10 a person. I'm going to go with

$90 total. $90 total. They walked out on $90. Jason or Randy? They walked out on $845. That's ridiculous. They walked out on 90. It's ridiculous. They walked out on 90. Jason or Randy? They walked out on $845. That's ridiculous. $845. They walked out on $487. $487.

With tax and tip included because it is a party of over 20. You think with tip? What are you talking about? Tip included? A party over 20? You're going to tip included? Oh, I see. Tip included, right.

Pertuity. Oh, yeah. I didn't take that into account. But it doesn't affect my guess. $90. They didn't spend anything. $47. We'll get out of here on this.

The manager called police just before members of the party began to leave the scene. After they left, the manager noticed a bill that had not been paid. Totally in the amount of... Townies, get your answers in right now. Because the amount was $31.81. I should have gone lower. No, you win. You're the closer. I should have gone lower. $31.81. I should have gone lower. No, you win. You're the closer.

I should have gone lower. $31.81. Did they all just order water? See, that's another reason to tell these people. Or maybe they like, this is not good reporting and they all split it up.

$31.81. And who knows when it happened. It was probably, let's order an appetizer and then they went outside and fired, and then all hell broke loose with the confetti can.

Yeah, like that was the beginning. Like they only got in two pitchers of beer before they. Or, yeah, that's possible. Like they ordered two pitchers of beer and then all hell broke loose. And maybe, you know, some people in solidarity are not drinking. Sure. So maybe there's not as much booze as you think that's going on. This is why I don't go to Applebee's at 9 p.m. on a Wednesday night.

No, you don't. All right, first story down in the books. Jonathan David Doerr is with us right now. TV's Jon Doerr on Twitter. And he's going to, when we come back in the other side of the break, he's going to tell us about a new TV project. All right, we'll talk about it right after this. Stay with us.

Don't be a fool. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to DPT, Dumb People Town. John Doerr is our guest. Jonathan David Doerr with us right now. Jonathan David Doerr.

One of our favorite people ever. JDD if you're not seeing. When you're on TV, it makes us happy. So will you please tell us about this latest thing and how people can tune in and watch it and lose their minds at the comedy. Sure, absolutely. I'd love to. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. Of course.

You know what makes me happy as well is when people call me Jonathan David Doerr. Because very few people in my life have called me that. My mother called me. Does not? No, she does. And has in the past. I know your mother.

But I love... Why are you talking... I mean, I know of her. But Jonathan David Doerr, to me, it's like, aw, it's family. It's familial. And for some reason, Louise Buckley, the most beautiful girl in my high school,

who I had no shot with, called me Jonathan David Doerr. And I'm like, oh no, that's no good. Am I the Louise Buckley of this podcast? No, but I'm like, that's no good. Now my mother calls me that. It's never going to work with her. It's like, you call me what my mom...

Yeah, so anyway, there's three people now. So you dumped her. I love that. But it makes me feel quite nice. But so, yeah, we have a show coming out, very excited about it, called Big Questions, Huge Answers with John Doerr. Love it. Comedy Central, December 3rd, 1130, following The Daily Show. I love it. Hell yeah, dude.

Is it a weekly thing? Is it a special talk to me? So it starts as a special. Initially pitched it as a pilot, and then they said, let's take some money out of our specials budget. Now we did two episodes within one hour. So they're getting two episodes in an hour, and we tackle two huge topics. And who better to attack these topics in America than an outsider Canadian like Jonathan David-Dorsey? Does it in format and style resemble the John Doerr television show? Or is it a sketch show?

Like, what is it? No, it's, yeah, but you know what? It's much more real. Like, it's definitely that ignorant, it's an ignorant, an even more ignorant version of myself. Which at times gets to the truth better. Well. You know what I mean? You know what's interesting?

This has been a fun experiment, right? So this so this show which was so fun I made it with my friends Adam and Dave you guys are yeah amazing who we've all worked with they wrote a sketch that we all did up in Montreal oh right that's right so much fun so they're a huge part of this writing and directing and executive producing and so yeah we travel all over we answer too big we answer the question because here's the problem. You see, I look at the world, and I especially look at America, and I see that the media is asking questions, but they don't provide the answers.

There you go. And that's the problem. We don't just want the questions. We want the answers. So I actually solved cyberbullying in part one of the special. I love it. Come on. I completely solved it.

You solved the whole thing? Yeah, of course. It's quite easy if you ask the right questions, which I do, and they're big. And get the big answers. Huge answers. Huge answers. And I get my huge answer after presenting.

This was the fun part. We genuinely present. We put together an actual... Well, I don't want to ruin the whole thing. Don't give anything away. But we genuinely present an idea to a group of tech investors and incubators who genuinely spend money on things like this.

They think they were coming to a real event. And then they realize slowly through that this guy might not quite be totally sane. To me, their realization of it is the entire show. This is exactly right. I love that. No, no, you're totally right. That's so funny. Because them actually, and they came after us with lawyers.

Wait, a tech group of people? Yes, because they have lawyers? Exactly. They were furious that we were wasting their time. But the beauty of them getting angry at us You know what they say up in Silicon Valley? Time is Bitcoin. The angrier they

get, the more right they actually are. Because if they don't see how wrong this idea is, if they want to invest in it, and we would have followed them down that road. If they wanted to invest in this project, then they are actually making a huge mistake. So the fact that they got so angry with me actually makes them look better. So the fact that they're going after, like trying to come after us with lawyers makes no sense at all.

But do you know how like this, the TSA will have people try and bring bombs through the thing as like- What, what, what? No, they like, as a security breach, and be like, can you, how good is our security? Sure.

You could essentially make the case that like, how good is your- You're vetting it. You're vetting it. Oh, I see. Like, how good are you at sniffing out bullshit? We just did a test. You're vetting it. How good are you at sniffing out bullshit? We just did a test. We basically tested your security on how good you are at sniffing out bullshit.

You pass. Well, we can do that. Or I could just say, I was really presenting this idea, which I was. And if you wanted to go through, if you wanted to pursue it with me, we gladly would have pursued the idea. Of course! Can you imagine? Someone's like, yeah, I like it. John Doerr is a trillionaire right now. And we have to make this

app, which is completely... So the app solves cyberbullying, and then we answer another huge question, which is a tough one, and this was actually a very, very cool part of the show. We solved, we answered the question of predatory teachers. How do we stop teachers

from preying on students? It's a big thing! It's a big thing! And it's a big thing in Texas, boy. So I'm so excited for the show. The name of the show is? Big Questions, Huge Answers. And it's on Comedy Central on December 3rd, right after the Daily Show, 11.30 Eastern time.

Everyone should watch it. Figure that out Central. Figure it out. You know what? Not everyone, man. I mean, some people might. There's some mountain time. They can all watch it once. Mountain time at 930. Give me 80% on the next in the statement. My guess is it'll also be available on the app. Yes, it'll be available on the app.

ComedyCentral.com. Absolutely on the app and everything. So check. I'm so proud of you and happy for you, and I hope this goes on for a long time. I hope so, too. It would be really fun to do it because we just had a ball making it. And to, yeah, we're like right back in the wheelhouse of what I love doing, which is being silly and poking people and annoying people.

That's right. But in a fun way. In the end, I think it makes everyone smile. It's a good, fun show. I love that. Anyway, but we talked about it too long. Let's talk about dumb people. Let's jump back into another story, shall we, Dan?

All right, here we go. Ready? Yeah. This was sent in by Clive Gulch. Clive. Remember the Clive Gulch. Clive. Remember the Gower Gulch? Gulch. Imagine I was named Clive.

My name was Clive. I'd be a totally different human. Yeah. If your last name was Gulch, you'd be a total... Gulch. Yeah, that's true. Gulch to me sounds like a burp from in a crevasse. No, I'd probably be the same guy with Gulch.

But I think Clive would change it. Yeah. Clive. John David Gulch. I'd probably be a bass player. Clive Gulch is highbrow. Oh, my God. John David Gulch. I'd probably be a bass player. Clive Gulch is highbrow. John David Gulch filled in for... But I just realized...

How did I make that connection? There's a Waylon Jennings song. Clive played electric... Oh, was that Clyde or Clive? Let's keep going. Let's keep going. Before I create my own dumb people town story. There you go.

Clive played electric bass. Dan, go ahead. I love it. A man who skinny dipped in the shark tank at Ripley's Aquarium of Canada. As you do. It's Ripley's Aquarium of Canada. By the way, guess where this is. Where?

Dan, Niagara Falls. Oh, no, it's Toronto, isn't it? I don't believe it. You guys, wait until you get the come around on the second half of this sentence. You missed my joke. A guy, a man who skinny dipped at the shark tank at Ripley's Believe It or Not. I don't believe it. What do you mean by that, Randy?

I don't believe it. But he just told you it happened. I don't believe it. Well, Jason, explain to Randy what happened again. He has the right to believe it or not. But just tell him what you told him. It's up to him. A man who skinny dipped in the shark tank at Ripley's Aquarium in Canada. I don't believe it or not. But just tell him what you told him. A man skinny-dipped in the shark tank

at Ripley's Aquarium of Canada is wanted for assaulting a man at Medieval Times earlier that same night. What? This is a guy who likes to do activities. Jay, is this your son?

He likes to stack activities up. My son cannot... I'll call Jay on a weekend and he'll be like, I've been bowling, I went to the park, I've been to baseball practice, Is this your son? He likes to stack activities up. My son cannot. I'll call Jay on a weekend and he'll be like, I've been bowling. I went to the park. I've been to baseball practice. I'm like, it's 11 a.m. Are you joking?

I love what's going on in Canada these days. I mean, it's just good fun stuff. Go to Medieval Times. Medieval Times, alive and well, number one. That's good to know because I know where that Medieval Times is. It's actually, you could walk to Ripley's, but it's a hefty walk. It is? Well, number one, that's good to know because I know where that Medieval Times is. It's actually, you could walk to Ripley's, but it's a hefty walk. It is? Well, no. Not for a drunk guy.

They're reasonably close. But you guys would actually know where the Medieval Times is in Toronto. It's down near, kind of near Molson. Oh, it's not Molson anymore. But anyway, the amphitheaterater kind of by the river. And you would have performed there, I bet, at one of the festivals. But it's right near the soccer field, the BMO soccer field where Toronto FC play. So that's where Medieval Times is.

Then you'd have to go to the, which is right next to the CN Tower, is Ripley's. Okay. So this guy assaults someone at Medieval Times. Punches somebody at Medieval Times. Which, by the way, it is violent at medieval times. There is an encouragement to engage in combat. Who did he assault, though? Did he get out on a joust and take it for real?

Was it a kitchen wench? Well, did he even work there? They were just saying he was at the place. He just had a glass of mead. But this was before he went and jumped in a goddamn shark tank. Well, yeah, he had a coupon. He had a had a group of... He had a lot of mead. He had a lot of mead. I'm asking you this.

If you told me, John, that if you said, I got into a fight at Medieval Times and that wasn't the worst thing I did that night... That's pretty unbelievable. That's a pretty incredible... Or even just, I got in a fight in Medieval Times,

but guess what happened next? Yeah. I got in a fight at Medieval Times. Oh, that's in? Yeah. Yeah. I got in a fight in Medieval Times. Oh, that's in a minute. No, no, no. I haven't gotten to the good part. This is why you don't have your gender reveal party at Medieval Times. You know what?

After this steak, I could really go for some adventure tourism. Well, everything's closed. The zip lining's closed. Well, then I'll find my own fun, won't I? Yeah. Well, in a sense, if he skinny dipped in a shark tank at a public place, that was his own gender reveal party. It was. Sure.

He revealed his gender, yeah, to the shark. Unless it was open. What time was this at? At around 8 p.m. on Friday. That's good. It's got to be open. The Ripley's got to be open. Oh, it's open.

Oh, this is great. At around 8 p.m. on a Friday, a 34- Oh, Canada. I'm sorry, Dan, but this is a beautiful story. Don't ever say sorry. Well, I don't want to interrupt your beautiful story. This is where you miss a Rob Ford comment. To me, Rob...

Rob Ford I miss greatly every day. If someone told you that Rob Ford did those two things in one night, you'd be like, yeah, was it a campaign? I'd vote for Rob Ford. Rob Ford, again, in a second. Do you remember Rob Ford? Yeah. Do you remember Rob Ford doing the drinking, miming,

mocking the woman drinking and driving by doing the beer thing? Oh, my God, he was the funniest mayor. Remember, he was a mayor. He had some influence over the city But there was no Smoke crack Did he smoke crack Smoke crack yes Multiple times

Smoke crack Poor guy Poor guy's dead now He was He made me laugh So much Remember when he hit the camera Yeah

When he walked into the camera This was the greatest guy ever He was the mayor He wasn't the prime minister He wasn't He wasn't He wasn't the premier of Ontario No

He was just the mayor. He had no real influence. But he just was like the best character Chris Farley never played. Rob Ford smokes crack. Oh, totally. Rob Ford smokes crack between medieval. Goes for dinner in medieval times. Smokes crack.

Then swims with sharks naked. The shark was not naked. The shark was naked. The shark was not naked. The Shark was naked. The Shark was wearing his clothes. He somehow got the clothes on. Around 8pm on we have video of him walking in. Oh, this is the greatest. It's about to happen.

It's early. Sorry, we gotta watch this. It's gonna be a big giggle in a moment. Look at the confidence. Here it comes. Oh! You gotta go back. Anyone listening has to go back and just watch rob ford walks into camera it is beautiful stuff i miss him so much the facebook i'll try to remember i miss rob ford oh i really do i really i don't i love rob ford that is i've

always loved him that might be the single greatest moment. John, you know it's coming. It's like, as you watch it again, it seems like the force, it's like he's being pounded. It's almost like they're walking into him and he takes him out. Oh my God, it's a good one. It's like it goes through him. Oh my God, it's a good one. So he goes through him.

At around 8 p.m. on Friday, a 34-year-old man was randomly assaulted outside of Medieval Times near Dufferin Street and Saskatchewan Road. You know that road. Sorry about those names, everyone. You out on Dufferin? Yeah, Dufferin, right down there. Dufferin sounds like a Canadian headache medicine. Or a... We'll just... I got a Saskatoon-sized headache.

We'll take two duperents. Take two duperents. Take two duperents, swim with a shark. Speaking of Saskatoon, so the Sklars here directed a music video that you and I were in along with Rory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that that music video

plays once a day at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas? I saw something about this. Amazing. You were in Vegas and you tweeted this. Every screen at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. I saw something about this. You were in Vegas and you tweeted this. Yes, and I looked up and every screen in the hotel is you and me yelling at each other.

The way it is. Oh, really? Every day it plays at the Hard Rock. Why does it do that? Because they love the sheep. Just in rotation. That can roll.

That's great. Okay, cool. Dan, you post that video too if you can onto the Facebook page. Oh, yeah, for sure. Speaking of Saskatchewan. Saskatoon. Saskatoon.

Sheepdogs are from. And we knew Saskatoon because there was talk in the 80s that they were going to move the St. Louis Blues up to Saskatoon and make them the Saskatoon Blues. I would have to take three Dufferin on that one. Employees at the venue had apparently asked. Do you have a Saskatoon-sized headache? Well, take three Dufferin, eh? Don't call us in the morning. I watched, eh? Don't call us in the morning. Don't call us in the morning.

It's Victoria Day. We're closed. Honey, where's my Dufferin? Employees at the venue. That would be medieval times. I'm not getting out of bed. It's freezing. Well, where's my Dufferin?

Where'd you leave it? Well, it's probably... Where do you think it is? It's in the cabinet, eh? It's in the medicine chest. Well, put on your slippers anderin? Where'd you leave it? Well, it's probably... Where do you think it is? It's in the cabinet, eh? It's in the medicine chest. Well, put on your slippers and grab it for me, would you? You know I've got a Saskatoon-sized headache here. I get a headache every time I wear a toque.

This is the commercial. It's extra strength Dufferin. You've had three already. I'm not going to kill you. I walked right into a camera. I have such a bad headache. For the listener at home, we're on the third sentence of this story. Okay, Dan. Go ahead. I have such a bad headache. For the listener at home, we're on the third sentence of this story.

Okay, Dan, go ahead. I'm sorry, Dan. No, I don't care. I think that's awesome. We have a fight we have to get. Remember how many times I say we could do an entire story sometimes off of just the first sentence?

I worry about your liver with the amount of Dufferin you're taking. It's totally cutting up your stomach. Don't worry about me. Okay, so medieval times. Oh, yeah. Punches the guy outside. Okay, so Medieval Times. Oh, yeah. Employees at the venue had apparently asked the suspect to leave for being disruptive.

If you're disruptive at Medieval Times, that's a level. And you know it's a bad restaurant when they call it a venue. I'm afraid to keep reading because we could go off on this, too. This is what this was reported by Toronto Police Constable Allison Douglas Cook. That's what they told us.

I know her well. ADC. ADC. She's great. The Allison door of a... The suspect later returned to Medieval Times and smashed two glass doors, she said. What? Afterwards, outside of Medieval Times, the man allegedly approached the victim who was smoking a cigarette and punched him. Wow. What?

Wow. Oh! So this guy gets kicked out, comes back, breaks two glass doors, sees somebody just taking a quick drag, and punches them for no reason. That's an anti-smoking message.

This is sounding PCP-ish. The victim had to be taken to the hospital, adding that he had black eyes and a broken tooth. I know what that's like. You know what? You get sucker punched by a maniac. Yeah, you go to a hospital. And so this is all before he goes for his 8.30 swim. The suspect fled the area after the assault.

Later, that same evening, around 10.30 p.m., police said they received a call about a man who dropped his drawers and jumped into a tank full of sharks at Ripley's Aquarium. Yes. So that was 10.30 a.m. I thought this was 8.30. This is 10.30 p.m. So is it open at 10.30? It is. Wow. So there are people there.

So here's my question. Is it suicide if you, is it classified as attempted suicide if you have hemorrhoids and you have a little bit of anal bleeding? Right. And that's when you jump into the shark tank? I don't even know if you need the hemorrhoids. Just any anal fissures and you jump into. Swimming in with sharks. Yeah, that's attempted suicide, right?

Well, if you're not bleeding, I think you're okay. I think so. Well, he probably was bleeding from punching out the glass doors. Further investigation revealed the man involved in both incidents, as we've said, was the same person. On Monday night, Allison Douglas Cook said police were able to identify the man with the help of the public as David Weaver

from Nelson, B.C. And so, cause, drugs, anything? It sounds like drugs. It's gotta be meth or something. from Nelson, B.C. And so, cause, drugs, anything? Yeah. He's from B.C. It sounds like drugs. It's got to be meth or something. He's a Canucks fan.

A minute-long video shot at the aquarium and posted on YouTube shows Weaver taking off his clothes and diving into the dangerous lagoon. That is crazy! Which is a 2.9 million liter tank that offers an underwater gallery of dozens of marine animals,

including 17 sharks. What? Wow, this is amazing. I feel like I wanted to be there. This is crazy. If I would want to be there or not. I would. The man can be seen doing the breaststroke on the surface of the water while sand tiger

sharks swim within centimeters of his feet. I love this man. By feet, I mean penis. He has to be interviewed. He needs to be on Kimmel. Kimmel needs to be interviewed. Look at this picture. This is a picture somebody took of him just in the water.

You can see his naked little legs. You know what, though? Sorry, I was looking at the shark. Have you ever skinny dipped? It probably felt great. Skinny dipping feels awesome. If you just ignore the sharks. Don't you think a shark tank would be kind of, I don't know,

would be filled with kind of like filming weird algae-ish type. I know they try to keep it clean, but I feel like it would be a weird sensation. It needs those algaes so that the tiger sharks feel it. Oh, for sure. There'd be some sort of grime or something. Did he have to swim by Mark Cuban? Yeah. All right, that's the worst joke ever.

Take it out of here. Oh, Shark Tank. So, I was trying to figure it. Is there a Canadian Shark Tank? There is. It started, we had ours,

the Canadian version was before the American one. Really? There's a Canadian Shark Tank and people just go up and they're like, sorry. No,

it's quite good. So sorry. Actually, one of the guys on Shark Tank was on the Canadian one, which was called, I can't remember what it was called now. It slips my mind. It's called Bring It To Us and We'll Take A Look At It.

Oh, Dragon's Den. It was called Dragon's Den. I think it's called Penguin's Lair. It's called Dragon's Den. That's a fact. Grouper Bowl. It's called Moose Roundup. This guy's crazy, by the way.

So it's got to be PCP or something. But what a night on the town. Like I said, I've always told you guys, you want to have fun in Toronto, you want to go to Canada, you go to Toronto. Because it has everything. You have two choices. You can go to Medieval Times and punch a guy who's smoking

and then get naked and go to Second City. By the way, he never even went north of Front Street. This is amazing to have that kind of a night. Best Toronto joke made on this show ever. Ever. What? He to have that kind of a night. That's the best Toronto joke made on this show ever. Ever. What? He never even went north of Front Street. He had the night of his life, never went north of Front Street. Ripley's Aquarium of Canada is

cooperating with authorities and is willing to press all appropriate charges once the individual has been apprehended. Videos captured by onlookers show the naked man swimming in the tank as sharks dart by in the water beneath him. As he's climbing out of the tank, in front of the security person who was waving him out,

that guy, come on! Get out! Get out! So he gets up, the security guard waves him in, he gets to the edge of the thing, then he takes a backward dive off the rocks and into the water. I love it! Here's my favorite part.

As people in the crowd cheered. Yes! This is beautiful. This is Canada. I love this. In the vacuum that Terry Fox left, this guy got everyone to watch. He stirred up.

Depending on how scary it was. And then he got out and he wiped his ass with a stingray. The crowd is cheering this guy on in the Shark Tank. I love it. It reminds me of a story way back. I don't want to ruin the flow of this. Let's keep going. You're not at all. No, no. I'm going to come back to it. I'll come back to it. This is too good. He gets the security guard. He's like, come on.

It's like, alright, I'll get out. At this point, security guards have probably been told if anyone falls in, if you can get them out, get them out, but call for help. That's probably all you know. But a guy in there doing the breaststroke, this is different. He's like, come on. And the guy's like, alright, alright, I'll come out.

And everyone's like, alright, he's going to come out. And then the guy does a full backflip back into the water and they cheer. This is great. This is dangerous. It's horrible. You would not do this. Would people cheer if this was a tiger? Tiger's den? No. I don not do this. Would people cheer if this was a tiger's den? No. I don't think so.

Videos captured by onlookers show the naked man swimming in the tank as sharks dart around like I said. He gets out, jumps off the rocks, and then back in the water as people in the crowd cheered. No one is afraid. They probably think this is part of the show or they don't even care. No, they don't. They don't care. The skinny dipper then hoisted himself out of the tank, hopped over the gate, and headed

into the crowd where a woman handed him what appears to be his clothing. Okay, so accomplices. He's got somebody waiting with his clothing. He's got a handler, a valet. Yes. A Canadian valet. Don't leave, Beth. I'll be out in a minute.

Beth, I hear. That's what he's singing when he's swimming. Here you're calling while I'm swimming over here. Police said there were no injuries to the man, animals, or patrons. So this is a victimless crime. Except that people had to see his car. The only thing he provided was... Well, yeah, indecent exposure. Sure.

And he also provided too much excitement. Yeah. I don't know if that's a crime the aquarium's like now you want to go see our movie about turtles but someone was holding his clothes so he had an accomplice which is very interesting

what I also love too employees brought towels to the man and told him to stay on site until police arrived so they were even nice about it. Like, here's a towel. You want some fish and chips? Can you please stay here until police arrive?

The aquarium snack bar is always weird for me because they do serve like seafood items in there. And you say to yourself, like, they do. You say to the fish, like, fish, you got a choice. You act up, you're going to be over here. You're cool, we'll put you in this tank over here. What'd you say? Appreciate here. What'd you say? What'd you say to me? Hey, don't you back talk to me.

There you go. I should be doing more voiceover work. I didn't say anything about your wife. John, can you do a fish? Yeah, I think so. That's a turtle, a fish, could be a pigeon too. Who knows? It's everything. Finding Doro. So they asked him to stay on site.

This is said by Derek Marlow who saw the stunt. Once he got his clothes back on, he and his girlfriend walked right out of the aquarium despite security staff yelling at him to wait for police and get back into this small holding room they wanted to keep him in. Which is the party room.

But I would say this. Where was the girl when he was punching people at medieval times? That's a great question. By the way, anybody who is alone, this guy has a girlfriend. Let's just be honest. Put that out there. This guy has a girlfriend. Well, he goes out and he makes it fun.

Okay. Not for people he punches or for sharks that are trying to live a normal life. It seems like two different people, though. I can't believe that the guy doing the... Because one seems fun and the other seems violent. Right. Some violent, loner, violent, strange behavior. But then, hey, I'm going to go for it.

And then someone patiently waiting with clothes and then walking out refreshed. Maybe that's what this guy needs. Maybe this is a date. He works himself up. He needs to swim with sharks in order to get himself back down. It's a bizarre one. I also like that they were like, can you just come into this room and hang on? He's like, nope, I'm leaving.

All right, well, nothing we can do about that. We'll have a guy on a horse chase you in about an hour. We weren't told what to do, eh? The guy was leaving. We told him not to. He's gone. What are we going to do? His friends say.

Friends. He's got friends. That they saw the man at Union Station later. Oh, boy. I don't know what it is. Union Station, yeah. Right down... Again, so he made it.

He did make it to Front Street. Right. Yeah. Guys, he made it. Guys, I know you were worried. He made it to Front Street. Yeah, right across from the Royal York Hotel. Yes, go ahead.

Police say he may be driving a Dodge Caravan. They haven't caught him? Maybe. With the British Columbia license plate number PL120G. I've never seen an article where we gave out somebody's license plate number. Go get him, Canada. That's how desperate they are. And also, how do we know the car he's driving, his name, and we can't find it?

We have video of him. Yes. We have all this information. I thought... Probably have a little bit of a DNA sample left in the... Good. We have video of him. We have all this information. I thought... Probably have a little bit of a DNA sample. Good for him. Good for him. Here's the last sentence.

Anyone with information is asked to contact police at 416-808-5200 or Crime Stoppers anonymously at 416-222-TIPS. That's 8477. Yeah. Just the tips. John, you tell me in Toronto. Do the cops work on a like, we'll get all the information, you guys help us get them? Yeah.

This is like a crowd sourcing. I suppose so. But by the way, I would love to say, if you have any information about this guy's whereabouts, keep it to yourself. Yeah. He is amazing. He's wonderful. Besides punching the innocent guy in the face.

Right. That's the one part I'm not on board with. Get kicked out of medieval times. Let's see what this guy does at a zoo. This guy's amazing. I'm going to ask you guys. Oh, go ahead, John. I was just going to say, I say, like John says, let him go and let nature take care of him.

Let go and let God. When he swims into a, you know, when he climbs up into an eighth tree, he's going to get killed. He's going to get his face ripped off and then he's going to deal with it. And you know what? All right, Dave, you've got a question. I do. How old is David Weaver? Now, John Doerr, you are a guest.

You can go first, Tigger, third. Where would you like to guess? Guess the agey round of how old is David Weaver. Take in everything you know about medieval times. And I'm going to go first, right? If you want to go first. He's not 20s. I have a funny feeling that this gentleman might even be midlife crisis kind of drugs.

I'm going to go 41 years old. 41. Jason? 27. 27 from Jason. Excuse me. Weaves 31. 31.

31 years old. Okay. Randy says 31. Jason says 27. Johnaves 31. 31 years old. Okay, Randy says 31. Jason says 27. John Southdorf says 41. All right, get your answers in now, Tony, for this round of Guess the AG. Because David Weaver,

the man who got kicked out of the Medieval Times, broke glass doors, punched somebody, that's the worst part. But then maybe he felt so guilty, he was like, I don't deserve to be around. Got inside a shark tank, got out, did a backflip, got back in. Got out, got his clothes on, wouldn't stay around, and then was found at Union Station.

And we know his license plate, the car he's driving and where he lives, but we can't find him. And folks, if you see that license plate, the police is asking if you would see if you could subdue him until they get there. They are asking if you can make an arrest. If you wouldn't mind building a jail cell at your own house. And housing him for a brief period of time. And setting up your own judicial system. Whereas I am suggesting high-fiving him. That's my suggestion.

David Weaver is 37 years old. Oh! John! John! John! But I went over. I don't care. We don't care.

I know he's up there. Yeah. That's a definitely almost midlife crisis type thing to do. John, I want to hear your story. Tell your story real quickly. Oh, no, no. So, okay, people cheering. So this guy gets up, does a backflip.

People cheer again, when clearly this is not a scenario you should be cheering. Ottawa Rough Riders, back in the day, CFL football team. CFL football team. I think we went 1-17 this season. That's a good year. Freezing cold snow. Everyone's furious with the ownership. So I'm there with my dad watching a game, and it's like, we're down.

It's 40 to 0, something like that. And this guy runs onto the field, which is the only excitement. Of course. So, of course, everyone's cheering this guy. Is he naked? No, he climbs up the goal post. No. Now, this is where in the CFL, the goal posts are at the actual goal line.

In front of the end zone. Yeah, in front of the end zone. Now, this is where in the CFL, the goalposts are at the actual goal line. In front of the end zone. Yeah, in front of the end zone. So he climbs up the padding, and he sits on top. Now, this is obviously you can't continue with play in case something were to happen. No, because the guy's sitting on the goalpost. So anyway, they stop the game, of course, and then they got security coming out pleading with him. And then he stares down at security, and then he just looks back up at the crowd, this guy, and raises his arms, and the whole audience cheers him on. Because he's the most exciting thing that's happened to the Ottawa Rough Riders this particular season.

Anyway, so they keep bringing people out trying to convince them to play. Then they bring out Joanne Polak, I think her name, I can't remember, Joanne, I can't remember her name, but she was one of the owners of the team. She comes out, everyone starts booing her. How long has this gone on for? Oh, it's going on for like half an hour. And then she comes out, and she's like, will you please? You can see them having a conversation, and then he just shakes his head and puts his arms up in the air again.

This goes on. The entire crowd is just screaming. Are you loving this? I'm going out of my mind. I'm a little kid at a game going, this is insane. This is crazy. My dad, I don't think he's going to get shot. I don't think he likes the fact that I'm enjoying it as much.

But I'm loving every minute of it. The crowd is cheering. Actually, my dad was smiling. He liked it. And so anyway, then security races up the pole. And they've got to drag the guy down. I love how peaceful they tried. That was the guy down. So they just yank him down. I love how peaceful they tried. That was the last resort.

Yeah. You brought out the owner. Rubber bullets into the back of his neck. Yeah. Do we have a hellfire missile ready? We do. Tase him. Let's fire.

Cut down the goalposts. One of those two are going to come down when you start doing that. No, you're diplomatic at first, but I loved how much people cheered that this guy was like, you know what? You're not going to be entertaining. I'm going to at least provide it. John Doerr, I love him. I've never had that compulsion to run onto a field. I've got to try and find that game.

It's got to exist somewhere. I don't know who they were playing, but it was end of the season. And playing the crowd is just not good. I'm going to see if I can find it. All right, well, let's take a break. If that game's online, I'd be surprised, well, let's take a break and Dan, if that game's online, I'd be surprised.

Sorry. Let's take a break. Dan, do you want to give us a little teaser for the next? I do. We have some food that no one should eat.

Okay, that's on the other side of the break. Jonathan David-Doerr is with us at TV's John Doerr on Twitter, at TV's John Doerr

on Instagram, too. Follow him. He's a hell of a follow in both ways. And there's a new show going on on December 3rd, Comedy Central, 1130, after the Daily Show. Big questions, huge answers with Jonathan David Doerr. All right, check it out. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this.

Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Yes. I want to mention, hey, guys, welcome back to DPT. I want to mention, hey guys, next Monday, right? Is it next Monday or is it the Monday after? It's like, right? Yeah, Monday the 10th. Monday the 10th, we will be at Largo live,

Dump People Town with Will Forte. It's going to be amazing. Get your tickets. We hope that it sells out. And then we just announced we are going to be doing two things at San Francisco Sketch Fest. On January 11th, the night before our birthday, we're going to be amazing. Get your tickets. We hope that it sells out. And then we just announced we are going to be doing two things at San Francisco's Sketch Fest. On January 11th, the night before our birthday, we're going to do a live Dumb People Town

at Cobb's at 10.30. Before that, at I believe probably 7.30 or 8, we're going to do a stand-up show. And we'll venue is TBD, but we're going to be on it. Dan's going to be on it. We've got a couple other friends on it. It should be really fun. That's what's happening. And so we will see you at Sketch Fest, and then more great stuff at

superschoolhires.com. Where can people see you live? JonathanDoor.com? Live, lots of stuff coming up, so go to Jonathan... JohnDoor.com. JohnDoor.com. J-O-N-D-O-R-E.com. And that site, yeah, go there, and they've got lots coming up in the new year, plenty, lots in Canada and the United States. Go see him live, it's one of your favorite shows

ever, DanielVanKirk.com. You can check out dates and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I should have some dates coming up here in a couple weeks just when we're recording this. I don't know if I'm locked in yet, but then a ton of stuff for the tour in the next year. Always go and check that out. All right, let's get to our last story. All right, ready?

Yep. Sent in by Joe Luttrell at the Gentleman Joe. This guy sends in great ones. Thank you, Joe. Thanks, Joe. Police are investigating a disturbing report that a high school student made cookies mixed with human remains. No! And gave them to unknowing classmates to eat.

Human remains is a dead guy. Yeah, that's maybe your grandmother who's been cremated. That is a bad prank. I'm getting notes of grandmother in this. We need a definition of remains to further this. But it's already a really good one. Is that a bone through a cheese grater? Several students ate the cookies at Da Vinci Charter Academy that police suspect.

You've got to crack the code at this one. That police suspect may have included. The Da Vinci High School code. The ashes of one of the students' grandparents. No! Yeah. No, no, wait. So who made the cookies? It was one of the students. grandparents. No! No, no, wait. So who made the cookies?

It was one of the students. It took a little bit of grandma around. So probably thought, okay, it resembles flowers, something of cooking. A dash of grandma? Well, I mean, an urn is very much like, depending on its, you know, it could resemble a

sugar... Kids opening, I'm not, you know, kids opening things, finding there's sugar bowls, there's flour. What if this was the wish of that grandparent? That's right. I want to be youthful again. You know the old saying, a nana saved is a nana earned. I want nana's legacy to live on. Nana's way first.

Through the excrements of my classmates. What are these? Which will be washed out to sea, and then they will once, yeah, and grandma will live out to sea. Grandma wafers. It's a longer, it's a way of getting them out to sea, but you don't have to drive to the ocean. That's a pain in the ass.

Thank you. But this is, this reminds me of that story about this, I think it was a school bus driver. This is terrible, by the way. I don't know why I'm giggling. It is, because this is horrible. Oh my God. It was a school bus driver that I think... You why I'm giggling. Because this is horrible. Oh, my God. It was a school bus driver that I think... You know the one?

At TV's John Doerr. At TV's John Doerr. No, no, I'm not making this up. I know, but we're just telling people where to go with their feelings about what you're going to say. Oh. What? I didn't do it.

You're saying it. I'm going to leave it then. No. You can't leave it. You guys built it up. I'm going to leave it. No, there was a bus, school bus driver that was driver that was feeding kids candy with his semen in it. No!

I'm not even... Research it. Google it. I'm not even joking. I don't want to. Do you remember that story? I believe you. It was crazy.

This saltwater taffy is really salty. I think it may have been taffy. It gives whole new meaning to the term Milky Way. All right. gives whole new meaning to the term Milky Way. Alright, that is the longest we've ever gone into an episode where Johnny showed up. Kids, would you like a Milky Way?

That's actually a really good joke. A Milky Way. Ha ha! Now. John, what's the deal? I know. I really want to the deal? That is. I know. I really want to know what it feels like.

What's it feel like to do that joke? Just do it. Do it. I know. Again, I'm laughing. John, what kind of a kid are you? People need to know, listening, that you are also doing a cartoon impression. Oh, I'm doing it from the finger on the nose. The finger comes up to the nose.

And you put a blazer on. And you've got one hand in your pocket. I did a golf swing. That is weird. Ed, I don't know about you, but it brings a whole new meaning to the word Milky Way. Too far? I don't know. It might be too soon.

Either way, I think we can agree this gentleman should not be driving a bus. I feel like Grandma's in the Cookies could be like the new country funny Christmas. There's a little bit of Grandma in everybody. Grandma's in the cookies this Christmas. And they're singing in the candies on the school bus. Look it up. Look it up. Look it up. It's disgusting and horrifying.

There have been plenty of cases of students bringing pot-laced cookies to school. Of course. But cremated remain cookies is a new one. What's the difference? Police say the cookies in question were sugar cookies that the student brought to campus and handed out to at least nine students. Nine people they did not like. I'm sorry to interrupt.

How old is this student again? It's like a high school. It's a high school. So this is more diabolical than I thought. Sorry. Okay. Yeah. Davis Police Lieutenant Paul Doroshev says he's never come across a case like this.

How do you find out about it? Who shares that information? Does he brag about it? Quote, no, this is a weird one, Paul Doroshoff said. I have not heard of anyone getting sick or anybody being harmed as far as physically or physiologically by this. But it's just terrible. Police are working to confirm that two high school students were part of the morbid plan. Once that happens, they'll have a difficult, this is what I love. Once that happens, they figure out who did it,

the cops will have a difficult task of figuring out what crime could be charged. Wait a minute. When they figure out who did what? When they figure out who brought these cookies to school. Oh, they still don't know that. That's what they're saying, I guess. I thought they know... Oh.

They opened their own candy shop called Death by Chocolate Chips. Wait a minute. Ask the students who gave you the cookie. I know. Maybe they mean who all was involved in this plan. They want to find everybody. But my thing is, what crime would you charge them with? Cannibalism? You don't.

Hidden cannibalism? I don't know. Criminal mischief? You could probably get some criminal mischief. But what are the remains? And I'm being sincere here. What are the... Can you get sick from eating mischief. Criminal mischief. But what are the remains? And I'm being sincere here. What are the, like, are you, can you get sick from eating?

No. No. So you're not poisoning anybody. It's just ash. It's just ash. Dust. Then you know what? You get expelled.

You're disgusting, you're expelled, maybe you should get some therapy. Yeah. That's as far as I would go in Canada. Unless, that's what your grandparents asked for.

That's a huge answer from John Doran, a big question're going. Unless, that's what you're going to ask for. That's a huge answer from John Doran, a big question. Ooh. Well, it's played. December 3rd. I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

This is so unconventional, it would take more research, Lieutenant Doroshev said. Research that I'm not going to do. Exactly. He's like, so we won't give them

my pay grade. So we won't. The Davis Joint Union School District issued a statement saying it couldn't comment on the confidential student matters. Nope. But the investigation is ongoing. This case has been particularly challenging as we have responded appropriately and in the most respectful and dignified way possible.

No one is acknowledging that maybe the grandma wanted this. True. The kid was just living out the final wish. I wish her name was Cookie wish I want to be a cookie so far give me a cookie now and then they come back and just kick the legs out of this whole story with the final sentence

so far the evidence comes from student testimony they have not tested the cookies I know so this whole thing could be a ruse it could be a joke either way great story until like you said the last sentence, which is something I love to do. Well, look, they should have known. They should have known.

And you're a bit on stage like, none of that actually happened. By the way, they should have known that she was in the cookie when it tasted like mothballs. I'll be here all weekend. It tasted like mothballs. A milky way. A milky way. have a milky way now yeah

that's weird yeah but we need like you said yeah it does kick the legs out of it that last sentence but interesting story nonetheless

I love it yeah dude that is how we do it here on Dumb People Town we come with the dumb we bring our Jonathan David door and we are happy that's where your cookies came from

and that guy goes to psych ward that's what you do if it's true it's psych ward it's not psych ward. It's therapist. Figure out what's going on and don't

dig up any graves. I'm going to wrap up with this. If you're in the psych ward, I hope you have Comedy Central on December 3rd to see Jonathan

David Doerr's show. It's called Big Questions, Huge Answers with John Doerr. You guys are too kind. Thank you.

I love it and I love that you're on this show. You always make me laugh so hard and remind me of why I love this business so much and oh shit, we

got to get back to work stick around make a sound on your down it's dumb people town it's a good show