Dumb People Town - Jon Dore - The H Word

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

This week Jon Dore comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a glittery mess. The second story is a bit TOONIE. The final story is about an impaled car.Head to FAHERTYBRAND.com and use code DPT at checkout to snag 20% off ALL your new spring staples.You deserve to feel happier, and Headspace is meditation made simple.. Go to HEADSPACE.COM/DPT  for a FREE ONE-MONTH TRIAL with access to Headspace’s full library of meditations for every situation.Go to Shopify.com/dpt, ALL LOWERCASE, for a FREE fourteen-day trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features.Secure your online data TODAY by visiting ExpressVPN.com/dpt and you can get an extra three months FREE when you choose your plan.

Star Beans Avenue Make this sound So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey downies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town

Population U Population Door Jonathan David Door III. Welcome. Henderson. Henderson. Great to be here. Thanks for having me. Good to have you. So good to have you. Up in Alaska. What's the time up there?

The listener's favorite guest is back. So great to know that this is going to be listened to. Listened to by everyone. What's it like out in Alaska? What's the time up there? So let me dispel a lot of myths here. Is it February? No, it's the same date. Is it fall?

You're not three weeks ahead up there in Alaska? We were scheduled to record at 12.15 Pacific time. That's 11.15 a.m. Alaska time. Can's 11.15 a.m. Alaska time. Can you see Russia from your window? What's Putin doing? What's Putin doing? What's he doing right now? He's not up to much. I've been busy, so I haven't been following the news. No one's here for it. It's good that you

don't know. You should do a podcast called What's Putin Doing? What's Putin Doing? What's Putin Doing? Gladly. Vladimir Putin. So not much has happened to you in your life either, right? No, it's been pretty easy. If you consider, yeah, I had a baby.

Why? Wow, number four. I mean, congratulations. Number four for John. No, your initial response was correct. Why? Yeah, that's great. I'll tell you why. The IUD is supposed to be one of the

most effective forms of birth control. You were testing it. Yet it failed us. Oh, wow. Well, also, hey, guys, I probably shattered it with my massive cock. Oh, stop it. Also, I love you, John, but I was going to say, don't leave it in. Just don't do that. Here's the

deal. You thought it was more like a goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was like a goalie for the Maple Leafs. You got pulled. Supposed to block stuff and let everything in. Am I right? You put the old biscuit in the basket, didn't you? Top shelf cookie jar, John Doerr. I got pulled

and a Zamboni driver from Carolina fathered my child, but that's all right. I have another name for the Putin podcast. Don't Putin that there. Yeah. There we go. We got lots of good stuff. But yeah, life's been topsy-turvy upside down.

It's not that bad right now. You guys have kids. Dan, you do not. So you don't know what this feels like. This is crazy. So you're on the outside looking in. How old is your baby? How old is my baby?

Not even a month. But on Alaska time, that's 10 years, isn't it? No, it's the same time, and I'm not going to put up with this. For a long time, you guys have been desecrating the Canadian people. Exaggerated stereotypical accent. Honoring them. John, if you're going to be against us, we're going to be against you. We take offense to the things you're saying about us.

I've heard you use the H word on multiple occasions. What's that? That is not acceptable as derogatory. What's the H word? H word. Hoser? What is the H? I can say it because I'm Canadian.

Hoser? Hey, you watch your mouth there, bud. No joking. We're taking a truck trip all the way through Canada. Going to stop at the border. Going to hang out for a little bit. We're going to go to Saskatoon for like a month. It's taking a truck trip all the way through Canada. Gonna stop at the border, gonna hang out for a little bit. We're gonna go to Saskatoon for like the month. It's a huge truck. We're taking a truck trip. Tell them about your coats.

Tell them about your coats. I got the Canada Goose coat. What I learned about Canada Goose, John Doerr, is that coats aren't that expensive. Only cost about $25 to make, but they're so expensive because they pay for universal health care up there. So if I buy an expedition coat in Toronto, that means that a woman in Nova Scotia can get a hysterectomy.

Yeah. Yes. I saw this Instagram post. Now, listen, I would like to just, you do need to take some accountability and apologize because there's a lot of Canadians who were upset. I think Dan would agree with me. The H word is not something you throw around lightly. It's a derogatory term. Well, do you know the history of the H word? No. I thought it was something you say

like ribbing someone you love. You watch your mouth right now, Dan. You watch your mouth. You be careful. You don't be like, oh, get in here, you hoser. Excuse me. I'm using it. I'm using it. Our podcast is going to be covered in censors. It's all about context. And I'm going to wash your mouth out with the head of a hose.

I can't wait for someone to edit together clips of you using the H word. I don't know what you're talking about here. It'll surface later. You'll be part of cancel culture. Listen, oh, you can scream context all you want you still said it we're not big enough what does it mean what is it just because i'm here and i'm your friend the history of the h word and remember i can say it the history of the h word but you won't i will say it but i will say it in god you say challenging me challenging me to say h word

i want you to say it for my montage when We're going to put a montage of you. You can montage me all you want. We'll montage you. Three different camera angles. Show it like you said it three times. There's someone outside your house waiting for you to say it. Is there really? You don't scare me.

The H word. So traditionally, hoser is the word that we're talking about. It sounds bad when I say it. No, it sounds worse. These are my people. I can't believe you did it. So I'll tell you, at the end of a hockey game, all right, the losing team would have to hose down the ice.

Uh-oh. Okay? So it was menial labor. It was menial labor. So the losers became hosers. Hoser is synonymous with pathetic loser. It's a derogatory term for a Canadian, and that is the history of the word. Well, a losing Canadian.

A losing Canadian. Like if you're a winner, you shouldn't even be bothered by hoser at all. You've never been called it. You're a winner. You know what? You flipped me. You reclaimed the word. Nice job, Dan.

Well done. All I needed was a good argument, and Dan presented one. Dan, you did present one. Not only does Dan have good arguments. Dan's right. I is a hoser. Thanks, Dan. No, you're a winner.

God damn it. You're a winner. That's why I'm not offended by hoser. Now, hose down that mic, and Dan's going to do a story. Dan doesn't only have good information. He's got good stories. Guys, this was sent to me by so many people. I won't say it.

GD people. Okay. Hosers. I won't say it. GD people. Okay. Hosers. That there's no way. I couldn't do it, but I don't. Did you save it for John Doerr? No. Okay.

It just worked out that way. Fair. Okay. But there is a story for it specifically. By the way, before you go on, Dan, and sorry to interrupt. I hate when I do that. But I am recording my family, Sharon David Doererr, David David-Doerr, and Alison David-Doerr visiting from Canada.

I love them so much. They're here in the house. I love them too. One of them I love more than the others. We won't get into that. Don't get into it. And Christina, my girlfriend, is here. Get them all in frame. Get them all in frame. No, they're downstairs, but it's a cavernous

house. I'm upstairs. They're in earshot. You'll have to excuse me if I have to curb my impulses to use language. Lots of language. I can say shitballs and stuff like that. You got family in the house. No, I know.

I'm just telling you what I'm comfortable saying. I'm not going to go too far. You already said the H word. I could do that. I could say motherfucker. Hey! But I'm not. Sorry.

That one's too far. Wait until your montage comes out. That's a bridge too far or a bridge to nowhere. Max Bettman was the first person to send this in, I believe. But I've had to guess probably somewhere around 30 to 50 people. And that's Gary Bettman was the first person to send this in, I believe. But I've had to guess probably somewhere around like 30 to 50 people. And that's Gary Bettman's son. Gary's son, exactly.

Flipped in the double bird. Clearwater, Florida. Any of you guys ever done comedy in Clearwater, Florida? I don't even know where Clearwater is. I did a corporate event there for a religious organization. Here's the thing I've learned about Florida. Anywhere you mention in Florida, someone tells you how far that is from somewhere else in Florida.

Clearwater, that's 67 miles from Jacksonville. Oh, over by Tampa. Oh, you mean like an hour from Orlando? It's about three and a half hours from Okeechobee. I have no idea where Clearwater is. That's about 48 hours from Austin. There you go. Now, if you're walking, that's about eight years from Atlanta.

Clearwater, FLA. If you're walking, that's about eight years from Atlanta. Clearwater, FLA. Clearwater police arrested two women accused of breaking into a man's apartment during a dispute. Wouldn't it always be a dispute? Yeah. I mean, I guess they could break into a apartment. Dan, was he having a dispute with another person and bad timing? Two women just broke into the apartment at that moment?

Are they the people he's having a dispute with? He was distracted. No, it's with them. Oh, okay. Police said the incident happened just before 3 a.m. Monday when Sarah Franks, I never trust a person. Little Sarah Franks. It's too harsh of a last name.

Like a female gender identifying name with a male gender identifying last name, and they're both first names. She's like, can I be honest with you? No, but you can be Franks. Okay. Franks and beans. Be Franks with me. So listen, what is the problem here?

I'm about to tell you. No, hold on. Repeat this, though. I need the beginning. So there was a dispute. They broke into his apartment. Three people broke in, but they broke in to break up the domestic dispute?

No, that was Jay's theory. That was my theory. I think what's happening is two people have an issue. I apologize. You're good. You're with us. Okay, so Sarah Franks and Caitlin O'Donovan knows how to fight. A name alone knows how to fight. The O'Donovan sounds like it's... Not even the Irish part.

It's more the Caitlin. Caitlin O'Donovan stole a girl's sweater in middle school and then wore it to school the next day. She had balls. KOD. KOD. KOD. Caitlin O'Donovan. They showed up at the victim's Clearwater apartment. According to their arrest affidavits, the women began arguing with the man as he stood on his fenced patio.

You know you pay extra for that. That's right. I paid for it. I'll stand on it. Located on the ground level of the apartment building. Located on the ground level of the apartment building. That's when police said the two women threw a container of glitter at the victim, hitting him in his head and upper torso. Sexiest robbery ever, an assault? Could you imagine?

I get annoyed. The things I want to say to a person, I'll say the H word. Yeah. The things I want to say to a person when they give you a birthday card with glitter in it. It's not good. I know. Because if you get any of it on your face, it's there for the next six years. A hundred percent. And it's in clothing, it gets in the wash,

there's transfer. I want to ban sequins and all glitter from the house. I'm tired of it. Wow, not sequins. COVID comes from sequins. You mean loose sequins, not sequins on like a cool, I might wear this in Vegas someday shirt.

Oh, you show me a shirt that doesn't have a loose sequin on it, and I'll show you a patio in Clearwater. If you lose, both of those things can easily be done. I think that should be done with calm people. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't think we need sequins. I'm done with them. They're everywhere.

They unravel. This should be the new term for if someone's crazy. He's got a sequin loose. Guys, you don't think this He's got a sequin loose. This guy's got a loose sequin and a prolapsed anus. We haven't gotten there yet. You guys don't ever think, man, I would look so cute in a sequin dress in Vegas.

Leave it in Vegas. You rent them. You leave them there. They got industrial strength vacuum cleaners in those hotels. They'll deal with the sequins. We're just in Vegas. Oh, you were? Every once in a while you see a guy, especially a magician, walk around in a sequin jacket, and you're not like, oh, nailed it.

You know, whenever I see a magician in a sequin jacket, I'm like, can he make himself disappear? No, you got to love the sequin, Jay. Well, if that magician lives alone, most likely, if that magician lives alone, that's fine. Not every night. He's dealing with the loose sequins that litter the alone, that's fine. Not every night. He's dealing with the loose sequins that litter the floor. It's not

someone else's problem. I'm tired of tiny socks I've got to find in the dryer and fold. Yep. And I don't like sequins and glitter. Done. I don't like glitter. I know what's irking John Doerr right now. I know there's a lot going on in the world today, but that's what's upsetting me. Yeah, right. Sarah Franks.

Well, if everybody cares about one thing, we're not caring about everything. So everybody can be focused on big stuff. John's got sequins. There you go. Okay. So they throw glitter. Also, you brought glitter, right? Brought glitter to a knife fight.

Or to a patio fight. That's right. You brought glitter to a patio war. So if you're bringing glitter, you are... That is... If you really want to piss somebody off, I will admit you're doing it. You're operating at a high level. How many people earlier in the night, they said, I got a jar full of glitter and I am

not afraid to use it. Right. So how? It was the glitter. The glitter was brought to the apartment. Correct? The glitter was not in the apartment. It wasn't a quick.

They brought it to the fight. It wasn't a quick grab of something that was just lying around. It was glitter grab. Right. Well, also, they brought it to the patio. They're fighting with them on the patio. True. Okay.

So they show up to the victim's Clearwater apartment, who's on his fence patio. Yep. They said they then threw a container of glitter at the victim, hitting him in his head and upper torso. Oh, God. To me, I feel like on some level... One or the other. Yeah. But a lot of organs to damage.

I mean, upper torso, you're dealing with the heart, lungs, the head itself. Yeah, that's right. Brain case. This is problematic. Go on. Upper body injury. Yeah. Go for the knee.

But anyway. Glitter to the knee. They were trying to kill with this shot. That's right. Okay. If you got hit, if you're face-to-face arguing... Took a glitter jar to the glitter container to the head. And trying to kill with this shot if you got hit, if your face to face argument took a glitter container to the head and you're on your patio

and you get hit by a jug of glitter you didn't move on purpose right, or you have terrible reaction time terrible reaction time or you want it to hit you so that you can then start a fight I was assaulted or sometimes you know how to get your adrenaline To then start a fight. Just boost up the charges. That's right. I was assaulted. Yeah.

Or sometimes you know how to get your adrenaline cooking. And maybe it's a glitter container to the face. Whatever's being thrown at you. I always like when in a fight, someone challenges the person to the thing they're about to do. You going to throw that at me? Throw it. You going to throw that at me? Let's do it.

I will throw it at you. What are you waiting for? Right. Franks. That's Sarah, then allegedly jumped over the patio's fence and entered the victim's apartment where investigators say she threw more containers of glitter at him. She's got a whole belt full of glitter containers? A utility belt of glitters. Yeah.

Glitter in your house. Yeah. Glitter in your house. She's on the way back from a... She was shopping. She was shopping. She was doing arts and crafts. She was at Hobby Lobby.

Hobby Lobby can burn down the ground. She took the Hobby Lobby to the center of the old room. Also, you were on the patio. You just got hit with glitter. Don't let her get past you into the apartment. I'm not victim blaming, but I am saying let's get on it. I'm not victim blaming, but did you see how much glitter he was wearing?

What was he wearing? Okay. Now, meanwhile, the affidavit said O'Donovan had walked around to the front door of the apartment. I thought we were in front of the apartment. Siobhan Schlieffen planned it. So Franks unlocked the door to let her inside. This guy is... Again, I don't want to victim blame, but he's not

doing a good job of defending... He's not protecting his house. This is the craziest plan ever, John Doerr. We're going to throw some glitter. I'll go in through the back door. You come around the front and I'll let you in. Sounds like a country scene. I got a lot of problems with how this story is unfolding because I'm losing track of who's who in this thing. So wait a minute.

Whose apartment is it? Name the person. Is it Sarah Frank's apartment? No. They would say his name. We'll give him a name. We'll call him John Doerr. Okay.

John Doerr's apartment and Sarah Frank's through the glitter. Is that right? And came in through the back door. Then she goes to the front door and lets in O'Donohue. Unbelievable. O'Donovan. O'Donovan. Which is my favorite show on Showtime with the name of a guy who's got the same name as my son.

Ray O'Donovan. Your son's name is not Ray. No, it's Liev. I know. But this is starting to sound planned. Well, poorly planned, but it's starting to sound like an AV SEALs operation. Super effective. I'm going to throw the glitter grenade, then run through the house, let you in the front door.

That's what's happening so far. You skipped a set. We're going to get a fight on the back patio. I'm going to throw glitter. Then I'm going to get past him through the back door, throw more glitter at his ass. Then when he's glitter bombed, I'm going to come to the front door and I'm going to let KOD in. This is like being assaulted, like you said, by a magician.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So she goes to the front door. Go on. Frank unlocks the front door, lets O'Donovan in. So she goes to the front door. Franks unlocks the front door, lets O'Donovan in. They're ready to rock. Police said the woman then threw

more containers of glitter at the victim. How many does she have? I don't know. If they would have told me, you bet your ass I would have made you guess. Are they open containers? Are you allowed to have an open container of glitter in Clearwater? Sarah is still throwing the glitter, right? Sarah brought the glitter.

All of it. Okay, and she's throwing more glitter. Yes. Three times she's glittered this guy up. The third glitter attack. Yes. By the way, throwing glitter does sound like the term that people who use glitter in certain art would say. Like, what are you doing this afternoon?

I'm going to throw some glitter. Or when Mariah Carey insults you, she throws glitter. That's not bad. Also, throwing glitter, if you told me that's a way someone does a drug I don't know about, I would want to, because you're rolling on Molly, right? So we're throwing glitter all night. Are these containers of glitter? Let me go back.

Yes, containers. Containers of glitter. I'm assuming Tupperware. So the glitter doesn't even matter at this point. John, it's a container. She's throwing a Columbo of this episode. One more thing here because I didn't get this. Yeah, I did.

I'm not following anything. I don't understand this. She throws containers of glitter. Sarah breaks in throwing containers of glitter. So these are containers. Forget about the glitter. That's not important anymore. Unless it pops open.

I feel like they're open. They're open containers of glitter. Sarah's carrying open containers of glitter. Come on. That's irresponsible. Clear water. Clear water is open. She has a bag with her and she's got open containers of glitter. That's not how you purchase glitter from a craft

store. I'm telling you right now there's a lid on this sucker. I'm not saying that's where she got the glitter. I don't think this story is real. It is a big lots bag. I know that much. Okay. Okay. Oh, I just says here. This story isn't real. God damn it. It is a big lots bag. I know that much. Okay. Okay, go on. Oh, it just says here this story isn't real. God damn it.

It is. Police said the women then threw more containers of glitter. We've already covered that. That's the third time. Before leaving the victim's apartment, investigators said Frank, Sarah, kicked the lower apartment window until it broke. The women then fled the apartment complex in their vehicle. How many tries, Dan? What did they get? How many kicks? What did they get? At least four.

Also, we don't know anything about the guy. A lot of times when you just hear in the vacuum, like, this person was victimized, you think, like, oh, no. He might have deserved all of this and more. That's right. For all we know. This might have been payback. Right? Officers then saw Frank's... Oh,

hold on. She kicks the apartment window out. The women then fled the apartment complex in their vehicle. I hope they're both on the lease. About an hour later, investigators track the car back to their apartment. Of course, because he knows who they are. That's right. And said the vehicle was still warm to the touch. That's somebody who wants to make detective.

You're a patrol officer. I put my mouth all over it. That's somebody who wants to make detective. You're a patrol officer. I put my mouth all over it. Tailpipe, still warm. You lick your finger. You put that on the tailpipe. It sizzles just a little bit. You say, we got a hot one. We got a hot one. I love that feeling. We got a hot one.

About an hour later. You ever salivaed a tailpipe? I do it all the time. Just to hear the sizzle. Just to hear the crackle. Police spotted glitter inside the car. It's all coming together for this car. I mean, can you dust for glitter?

You don't need to. Can you clean for glitter is the question. The cops dusted the glitter. Four other prints. Officers then saw Sarah Franks walking in the area wearing the same clothing the victim had told them she wore at the time of the incident. They didn't plan it that well, Dan. No. They were there to just glitter bomb.

Police arrested both women and charged them with felony burglary with assault or battery. Sarah Franks was also charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor for allegedly kicking out the apartment window, which I would say might have been the most violent act. That's a lower thing? John Doerr, what's the sentence? You got to work three weeks around Christmas at Party City? I mean, I wouldn't put this woman anywhere near glitter. No. Not even Gary, who is a problematic person.

I mean, she's too old. Franks and O'Donovan were taken to the Pinellas County Jail. Franks and O'Donovan, you know what I'mas County Jail. Franks and O'Donovan. You know what I'm going to say. Hit it. The new Rizzoli and Isles. The old Rizzoli and Isles. The old Rizzoli and Isles.

Given $75,000. The glittery Rizzoli and Isles. Franks was released while O'Donovan remains behind bars. What? I don't know. What? I don't know. Isn't this the basis?

Prior offense. Prior offense of some kind. It's the only explanation. There's no way. I mean, he doesn't even make an appearance in this story. No. Frank's is the guilty party, and they're not doing time? Thanks.

No. Thanks, Frank's. Nope. Thanks, Frank's is her autobiography. No, her autobiography is Frank's for the memories. We got there, Dan. I know. Is that story one?

That is story one. Story one down in the books. John Doerr is with us. We're going to talk about all the wonderful things he has going on. He's created a lot of great comedy. She kicked on through the first floor window. Isn't that a Beatles song? Yeah.

And so John Doerr, he's created a lot of comedy, and now he created a person. We're going to talk about all of it on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. The great John Doerr is with us. I love John Doerr. Dan, I don't know why you have a problem with him. The great John Doerr, who is... Dan still says the jury's still out. That great John Doerr.

New baby. Brand new baby smell. Is that still in the house, the new baby smell? Yeah, there's some new baby smell. I think it's mostly milk that falls out of his mouth and lives in the creases of his neck. That's what you're smelling? Sure.

That's what that is. That's new baby smell. And are we allowed to announce this? Your baby got picked up for another season? That's amazing. Incredible. He's doing year two. That's great.

Year two, and you named him Brandon. I think that's so nice. He's getting so big. Baby Brandon. He's so big. It's great. Every day I get to say, Brandon's getting so big. so nice. He's getting so big. It's great. Every day I get to say, Brandon's getting so big. He's getting so big.

But honestly, there was no other name to call him. We didn't consider another one. My girlfriend started throwing names around. I said, well, let's turn to the Sklars and Dan. It's these two. They're the flag bearers. I play along. And I totally forgot. But I think Brandon is a great name

and I am happy that his name is Brandon this is how much of a jokester John Doerr is I believe that John Doerr would have named his child Jason Randy Doerr Jason Randy Podcast Doerr Jason Randy Doerr Jason Randy Doerr Jason Mustache.

No, no, no. Randy Mustache, Jason Glasses Door. Randy Jason Door. RJ Door. RJ Door. RJ Door. Why didn't you consult us on this? That's a good one.

That's better than what you came up with. There's a good reason why. There's a very good reason I didn't consult you. Oh, hey, John. You could have. You guys are busy up in Canada desecrating the Canadian culture and identity. You're an embarrassment.

John, are you going on the road at all? Are you doing any shows to support the baby? Yeah, I got to. No choice, right? Got to get those shoes bronzed. Yeah, I'm going to be in Denver, but the big week is the Grindstone Theatre in Edmonton, Alberta. Ooh, nice.

March 23rd to March 26th. Great venue. So, yeah, that's the one I'm really looking forward to. He's a Grindstone cowboy. Yeah, we'll be there. Can we get guest sets? Dan, are you still thinking of coming up to Canada? I know you were considering it, but crossing the border was impossible.

Yeah, I was trying to get a Vancouver date for my run, my first run. The trucks got in the way. They said no. I think the trucks have pounded down the door, and freedom has now freed across the border. You want to go on a run together? What do you want to do? Thank you, truckers.

Thank you, hillbilly hosers. Hey, whoa. That might be fun. they were upset about the- That might be fun. They were upset about the Canadian ski mask mandate. Yeah. I want to come up there so bad. I can't imagine living in Ottawa during that madness.

Like, if I still lived in Centretown or near Metcalf Street. You guys know Metcalf Street. Oh, yeah. We hung out on Metcalf Street. Lived it. Yep. Good sushi. So, should we jump into another story? Let's do it, Dan. We hung out on Metcalf Street. Lived it. Yep. Good sushi. So should we jump into another story?

Let's do it, Dan. Yeah. Let's do it. I had to go to the urgent care yesterday because I have a perinicula. So an infection in my finger. I only had one nicula. You had a pair of them. That's awesome.

You had a pair of niculas? I got two niculas. I could waste all day in that doctor's office, too. Well, you have perinikia. I thought only one finger was hurt. No, perinikia is what it's called. Oh, so I just have nikia. What are you talking about?

Okay, let's do the next story for an hour, please. Okay, ready? Fake toonies discovered in Hawkesbury, Ontario. Fake toonies? A fake toonie. What's a toonie? You know what a toonie is. $2 coin, right, John? Oh, that's good fake toonie. What's a toonie? You know what a toonie is. This is good.

$2 coin, right, John? Oh, that's good. Is a $2 coin a toonie? You guys know what a toonie is. This is ridiculous. I don't know. Like a toonie. Like a toonie.

No. I don't believe, Dan, I don't believe that they know what a toonie is, correct? I didn't know what it was until I read this story. No idea. No clue. Oh, really? Never heard of it. It's a $2 coin, right?

$2 coin, correct. Are the coins in Canada all different colors, too? I've only seen the money. They do go all out there. The toonie is silver and gold. Well, I guess it would be nickel and gold. Yeah. How many coins are you guys running in your system?

Okay, so we got rid of the penny. You guys still got one down there. It costs more to make than it's worth. It's the dumbest. Not the dumbest, but it's on the list of dumbest things in America. Penny's like Glass Tiger. Penny's like Glass Tiger. Got rid of that.

Once great. Now we got to get rid of them. Only a one-hit wonder, eh? Worth one. I don't know. They had a couple hits. But yeah, we have the loony, the toony, the quarter, the dime, the nickel. The penny is gone.

Obsolete now. What's a loony? People look at you funny. When you pull a penny out of your pocket, if you're from America and you still got one hanging around in your pocket, in Canada, they look at you and they say, where'd you get that? Where'd you get the penny from,

bud? Hey, bud, where'd you put that? I was in America. I was like, oh! I ain't seen one of them in a dog's ear. Hey, Merle, get up here with the frame. We're going to put that on the wall. You okay with that? Guys got

a fucking nickel with them, eh? A fucking penny with them. Bring them on. Let's take the penny out on the curling track and then just try and push it to the back of the hose. What else is this guy going to pull out of his pocket, eh? What other relics from the past has this guy got in his pocket? What, do you got any swastikas in there?

You got Spanish doubloons in that pocket there, eh? Jonathan, what's a loonie? It's a $1 coin. It's got a loonie on it. So you have your nickel, your dime, your quarter, your one, and your two. Right, loonie and a do-lee. We don't have paper money for ones and twos. America, I guess,

does not have a $2 bill anymore, right? No. No, I have one in my pocket. I have a few. I have one in my pocket. I have one in my pocket, too. Good luck.

Do you... Do they get used a lot, though? Like, are people walking around with coins in Canada a lot? Yeah. Sure. Really? I mean, you go to your Tim Hortons,

you give them a tune, and you're set. Yep. Okay. You keep them in the glove compartment of your truck during the convoy. And yeah, you stop at a Tim Hortons, you get yourself a medium double-double. A toonie will cover that. Yeah.

I mean, when I go to Canada, I'm back filled with coins. It's a racket because you don't spend them. So there were some fake ones, Dan. Don't you put a loonie onto Rob Ford's grave? Isn't that customary to put that right onto the headstone? And just a little sprinkling of the crack. And if you're at the Chateau Lafayette in the Byward Market, you use a loonie for the pool table, eh?

There you go. Really? Oh, why not? You pop a couple loonies in there. It might even be $1.50 these days. Who knows? I went down. This was sent in by Eric.

Was it $2? Dan, we're not finished talking about what to do with... We're talking about loonies here and how to use them in Canada. I brought it up and I've moved on. All right. Take it. Go. You can fill a tube sock with a bunch of loonies and kill an animal with all right take it go you can fill you can fill you can fill a tube sock with a bunch of loonies and kill a kill an animal with it take it home and eat it if you're eating it

yes if you're eating it oh yeah i don't want people doing that for sport take a necklace out of its teeth can you kill a ptarmigan with it what the hell's a turn oh yeah with the with the right with yeah, with the right velocity on that sock. That's how Terry Fox lost his leg. That's right. Guys, careful now, all right? I mean, I'm willing to joke about certain things, but again, this is bigger than hosers now.

You start tearing down a national hero like Fox, all right? You be quiet there, Jason. I'll point out which scler that was. That was Jason Glasses. Jay, all the way. All right, Dan, go. You do not desecrate the memory of the great Terry Fox. Son of a bitch.

Eric Bischoff sent this in. At Eric with a K. Bischoff, B-I-S-H-O-F-F. You can always Bischoff into the air. Eric Bischoff, nobody's a WCW fan? Okay. I'm going to roll right through it. Dan, no one is.

No, go on. Ontario. I'm sorry. I'm not angry at you. I'm still mad at Jason. I'm mad at you. Creating the memory of that. You're going to be mad at me?

Yeah, I'm mad at you. We're in a reservoir dog's triangle of anger here. No, this is that old bit you guys used to do where you would kick somebody out of the bar. We did that bit. You two and him. Oh, now you're mad at them, huh, Dan? Now you're mad at everyone, Dan? Hey, easy, easy.

No, you take it. I'm mad at John. I'm not mad at you guys. I'm mad at John. Dan's got a point, Randy. Settle down. Hey, don't talk to Randy. Don't point at me, Jay.

Don't point at me. Hey, don't point at me when you're talking about that. Hey, easy, easy. Come on. You look at me when I'm talking. Yeah, yeah, don't point at me when you're talking about that. Hey, easy, easy. Come on. You look at me when I'm talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at me when I'm talking to you. I am.

Jason, guess what? Guess what, Jason? You won't have a leg to stand on. Just like Terry Fox. Hey, how dare you? That's not what I was getting at at all. Ontario. Again.

Provincial police are warning people to check their pocket change for fake toonies adorned by a strange looking figurehead and inscribed with a bizarre typo. According to the OPP. Yeah, you know me. There we go. Someone went to a Regent Street store. We did not plan that. In Hawkesbury, Ontario on Jan 11th and used fake $2 coins. Try and get us a birthday present.

Police were. There you go. The next day. One day before. Police were alert us a birthday present. There you go. The next day. One day before. Police were alerted once the coins were determined as fake. Who's the figurehead on the fake Canadian toonie? Yeah, we need to know. I'm going to make you guys guess.

Are we going to guess? But we do know who the figurehead is. It's Paul Lind. It's in the story. But I'm going to make you guys guess. It's Doug Flutie. It's Anne Murray up on a pedestal. Doug Flutie.

Yeah. It's Doug Flutie. It's Anne Murray up on a pedestal. Doug Flutie. Yeah. It's Kurt Warner. It's Gordon Lightfoot. Michael Jordan. Whenever I introduce a new person into a story with the three of you, it's like, well, I might as well sit back for six minutes. Said Constable Kenneth Gray. He's the Gray Cup of constables.

Constable Kenneth Gray. He's the gray cup of constables. Constable Kenneth Gray cup. Yeah. When he's drinking his Tim Hortons, you say, is that the Constable Kenneth Gray cup right there? Yeah, you betcha. You do the same joke every day, and I'll be honest, I never get tired of it. Have a great day.

At a glance, they absolutely look like a toonie you just have to look at them carefully he said to no one and then spit on the floor and then walked out like a couple of coffee against the wall and walked away police shared a picture of the sham currency which shows what type of animal on one side. John, what type of animal do you think they put on the toonie? Is there an animal on a toonie now? This is the fake toonie?

I don't even remember. What's on the real one? An eagle? Loony is obviously a loon. What is on a toonie? It's been forever. Is it a polar bear? Oh, I love a good loon. We gotta look it up. I don't know if it's a fake one. I love that. I love the comment look. We got to look it up. I don't know if it's fake or not. I love the comment from Constable Grinkoff because for him to say

at first glance, it looks like a toonie. You just got to look a little closer. Yeah. We're assuming it looks like a toonie. Here's a blade of grass they were passing around as a toonie far be it for me to actually check in

okay well I don't want to give away because what if this is the right animal but I think it's the wrong animal how do you spell toonie t-o-o-n-i-e I believe they go with but it's actually t-w-o-n-i-e but it's toonie

on one side is a polar bear. You're right. Okay. Okay, it is a polar bear. It's been a while. What type of animal did they put on their fake Toonie? An octopus. Okay.

An octopus from Jonathan Dorn. A white, like a wolf. A wolf. Yeah. From Jason Sklar. I think they put a ptarmigan on there. The animal. No, no.

Let's be honest. So they're trying to replicate. Yeah. Why wouldn't they put a polartarmigan on there. The animal. No, no. So they're trying to replicate. Yeah. Why wouldn't they put a polar bear? Are they being funny? They put a walrus. Whoa, I was close. Yeah, you were.

Well, yeah, you were. Wolf felt good too, though. The other side. They put Greg Stadler on there? The other side has an inaccurate portrait of Queen Elizabeth. Yeah. I'm going to show you guys this photo in a second. When I do, you're going to. The portrait of her Elizabeth. Yeah. I'm going to show you guys this photo in a second. When I do, you're going to...

The portrait of her is... She looks like... Is it her wearing a sleeveless shirt? Like an old lady on Hee Haw. Okay. There goes Minnie Pearl. OPP and Hawksbury say they've alerted... They've been alerted to fake toonies that were used at a store earlier this week.

They're warning people not to fall victim to the fraud. Instead of saying $2 on the tail side, we're supposed to say $2. It says Z-Dollard. Z-Dollard? Z-Dollard. Z-Dollard. Oh.

That's someone's name. So the Z was close to the two, I'd imagine, right? Zeb Dollard. In Canada, we'd be talking about a Zed, wouldn't we? We would be talking about a Zed. They also claim to be made in 1990 before Toonies even existed. I will now ask you, John, you should be better at this. Wow.

In what year were Toonies introduced in Canada? Now, you know 1990 is too early. They didn't even exist then. So when were Toonies introduced? Sorry, Dan. When was too early? 1990. It says 1990 on the fake Toonie, on the Foonie.

So they... I know. So when were they introduced? I don't know this. I'm going to say 1991. 1991. It's going to be later, but 1991 is the answer. Then why wouldn't you guess that?

I'm going to say 1991. Okay. I'm going to be later, but 1991 is the answer. Then why wouldn't you guess that? I'm going to say 1991. Okay. I'm going to say 2002. 2002? Yeah. It's a toonie from 2002. Any Canadians out there? Join us.

Shout at your ham radio because you're probably listening to us on a ham. Don't feel bad if you don't know. I just learned what a toonie was. I didn't know what it was. I still don't know. They came out. They were introduced to the general public in Canada in 1991. Nineteen.

Ninety. Six. Wow. I was closest to me. I said 2000. I was closer without going over. Just in time for the Atlanta Olympics. All right, let's look at this.

Here, this is what they look like. I'm going to share a screen with you right now. Share the screen. It should be. In one second, it'll happen. Trust me. I'll tell you this while we bring that up. While the dual metallic coloring may fool some people,

the coins don't attempt to replicate the Toonie's other features, said Alex Reeves, spokesperson for the Royal Canadian Mint. Although coin counterfeiting is rare in Canada, we proactively introduced new security features on our $2 coins, which include a laser-marked micro-engraving and a latent double maple leaf image. There you go. Look at these. There's your walrus.

And then look below the walrus. That is a very unflattering picture of Queen Elizabeth. That does not look like Queen Elizabeth. It looks like Ichabod Crane. I think those are... Oh, they're both fake. The real one isn't even there. Yeah, they don't have the real one. Well, let's find... She looks like she has an animal.

Why would they do a side-by-side comparison of the two fake ones? Well, this fake one looks like that fake one. Hey, at least there's consistency. If you look at the two fake ones, you can't tell the difference. That's right. You know who really could have helped these guys out with the design is Sarah Franks and all that. Yeah, Sarah Franks.

She had glitter on there. Put a little glitter on it. Put a little glitter on there. She could have helped out with that Queen Elizabeth who's looking a little bit more like Margaret Atwood. Or a little more like Prince Charles. Grey wouldn't say, which also makes me just think of him. I'm not saying. That's also a great name for a TV show on the CBC.

Grey wouldn't say with John Doerr. Grey wouldn't say with John Doerr. Whether they believe more. I'll do it. I'll do it. I have a child. I'll do that show. Now you know what it's like to be us.

I'll do that show. Grey wouldn't say whether they believe more of the fake Toonies are out there, but officers are looking for camera footage that may have filmed someone passing off the coins as legitimate. Anyone with information can contact the Hawksbury OPP. Those who wish to remain anonymous can call Crime Stoppers. And by camera footage, you mean someone with a disposable camera who took it to be sort of the picture to be developed, and they come back and you see grainy footage of someone dropping a fake 2E in the

dock. What I kind of hoped in that photo we showed is that these people got tricked again and they thought they were putting the fake one and the real one down and they were like, I mean, look how good they look. And then no, they got you again. Great. They did both of the same one. They tricked me again. I love it.

Give us a little taste Constable Greycup you've gone and put down you've gone and put down the fake Toonie as the reference for the real one this guy's good

did I tell you I had Perinicchia let me go through how many pairs save it for our Patreon save it for our Patreon that'll be for that's the Patreon subscribers

you're right Patreon subscribers are going to do a little story with John Doerr. He may go through his medical history. And for everybody else, the last story, Dan, give us a little teaser. Oh, we have a student driver who shouldn't be doing one of those things.

Jesus, my daughter. This is good. Jonathan David Doerr is with us, and he's got a new baby that he's named Randy Jason Doerr, and I'm very excited. And we'll be right back to get a little Patreon action and then this final story. Don't go anywhere. RJ.

Perinikia. Perinikia. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, before we do another story, do you want to do some shout outs? Let's do some shout outs. I love these guys.

Alright, ready? Yep. And we'll do them for as long as great people keep signing up for our Patreon. We love it. If you want to hear your name, sign up for the Patreon. We love giving you extra content, which is in the form of extra interviews and stories that our guests come on and do. We love doing the shoutouts. Ready?

Jesse M. Jesse M? M. Isn't that one of the characters in Bond? I think so. No, that's Q. Isn't there an M? M.

If there's a Q, there has to be an M. Q gets all the gadgets. M is the person who has to fix all the gadgets. Well, there's Moneypenny. How about Jeremy Miller? Jeremy Miller! Little Jeremy Miller. Jeremy Miller.

Who's coming to the water slide? Jeremy Miller? I was going to say, not the best player on the basketball team, but essential to the victory. And he hustles. He plays defense. Susan A. Susan A.

Susan A. Susan A. Related to Joseph A. Banks. By the way, it could be Susan Anthony. I'm just saying. Susan B. B? Susan B.

Susan C. Anthony. I'll take Susan A. Zach Galifianakis' favorite joke. His favorite cross-dressing store. Susan B. Anthony. There you. Anthony. I'll take Susan A. Zach Galifianakis' favorite joke. His favorite cross-dressing store, Susan B. Anthony. There you go. That's a good joke. It's like when a waitress, he orders a salad just so he can go, thanks for laying down those fresh beets when they deliver this food.

That's good. Sarah K. Sarah K. Thank you, Sarah K. Sarah K. Mary K. is a makeup. Sarah K. Well, it's the makeup remover.

Makeup remover. You get rid of it with Sarah K. Chloe Michelle. Chloe Michelle. Sarah Kay. Well, it's the makeup remover. Makeup remover. There you go. Get rid of it with Sarah Kay. Chloe Michelle. Chloe Michelle. True local, by the way. True local. On name alone, I know she can sing.

I don't know why. Okay, so there's an artist called Chloe Moriando. And Chloe Michelle opened for Chloe. Maybe. You never know. Hey, we already said Jessie M. Jessie M. Jessie M. It's the first time I'm hearing it.

Sean Bakinski. Bakinski. It's got to be, right? Bakinski. Sean Bakinski. I like Bakinski. Bakinski. Bakinski.

Are the Bakinski boys showing up? Is Bax going to be here? Bax. Sean. So many different ways to spell his name. Where's he sitting in the car, putting him in the way back? Right. The next name?

You know what I call when I call it a way back? Bakinski. I don't know if this guy's I call it a way back? Bekinski. I don't know if this guy's ever even changed a tire or worked on a car, but this next person is someone's mechanic. Mark Gerlach. Mark Gerlach. What does Gerlach say? Honey, did you call Mark Gerlach?

My car is making that noise again. It's called Mark Gerlach Imports, but they only deal in domestic makes and models. I'll say this about Mark. Mark Gerlach detailing? He's either working on your car or he's bringing over the drapes. Did you invite the Gerlachs? I forgot.

Mark Gerlach's van. His what? Mark Gerlach's van has been up front for Just come in! Mark, just come in! What's he waiting for? You guys said 4.45. I can't help.

I'm early. We're here. You know we're here. You saw me go out and get the mail, Gerlach. Oh, God, he's here. You know how many times that's been said in my youth growing up? Oh, God, they're here. Okay, if you're following all at home, I started at six, but we've done eight.

Reagan, Weisner. Reagan Weisner. Weisner. He eight. Reagan, Wisner. Reagan Wisner. Wisner. He's none the Wisner. Wisner. Three cents, three pence, none the Wisner. This next name is someone's a lawyer. This is the lawyer for somebody we've talked about in Dumb People's Town.

We can say it. P.T. Jarman. P.T. Jarman. I'm P.T. Jarman, and you may be entitled to damages. I'm P.T. Jarman. He's a pillar of the community, or she. Yes. You don't know. P.T. They are. Pillar of the community. Thank you, P.'m PT Jarman. He's a pillar of the community, or she. Yes. You don't know.

PT. They are. Pillar of the community. Thank you, PT. You can have your barnum. We got our Jarman. Physical therapy Jarman. Here's a name. There's names you look at. You know it's going to feel good to say it. Jarman and Jaylee. Candice. Candice Cursillo. Candice Cursillo.

CC. Candice Cursillo. WNBA All-Star. Candice Cursillo. CC. Candice Cursillo. WNBA All-Star. Candice Cursillo. Candice Cursillo is the first person to dunk a basketball game. Dunk a basketball at the Paralympics. I bet Candice Cursillo could have won this year's dunk contest. She did. Did you guys watch that?

No. How bad the dunk contest was for the NBA? It's terrible. On View from the Cheap Seats, we talked about how... Can you we just on on view from the cheap seats we talked about how you have me back on view from the yes yes and we can just talk about how much better the skills competition for every all-star event is better than the game itself than the game it's the hockey nhl uh skills play better defense in the skills joe zara guys zaragoza zaragoza. Zaragoza. Zaragoza. Zaragoza. Joe Zaragoza.

Zaragoza files. Right. Somebody's ex, Joe Garza. Zaragoza. Joe Garagiola. True local, Colby Goodman. Colby Goodman. Colby Goodman.

Great hair. Colby Goodman has great hair. Knows how to skateboard. What if it's a woman? Colby Calloway. Either way. What a man. What a man. What a man, what a mighty good man.

Colby is a good man. What did you guys sing at Comedy Jam? We did System of a Down Chop Suey. Unbelievable. I almost texted you when the thing got put out. Oh, man. Do you really view this as your warm-up for Moon Tower? We'll talk about that.

Okay. Hannah Hebel. He. Hannah Hebel. Hebel. Hebel. How do you say it, Jay? Hebel. You're going Hebel? Yeah.

H-E-B-L. Yeah, Hannah Hebel. Hebel. Hebel's wobble, but they don't fall down. It's like a Texas grocery store with an L. Hebel's. H-E-B. Derek Eden.

Eden. Derek Eden. Derek. Walking into the garden of Derek. Sometimes I look at it and I just see a baseball card. Derek Eden. He's a lefty. Specialized middle reliever. Here's another that feels like

Tom Eastow. Together they're like shortstop and second baseman. Right? Eastow too? Eastow and you know the article about the two of them is Eastow of Eden. Also pillar of the community, Tom Eastow. That makes me think. Remember East Bay? You guys remember East Bay? East of the Community, Tom. That was good. That makes me remember East Bay. You guys remember East Bay? East Bay was...

The sports equipment catalog? Oh, yeah. Okay. I've never seen this name in my life. Love it. Double good name. Benjaya Lofton. Benjaya Lofton sounds like a baseball player. Benjaya Lofton sounds like a book was written about him or her. The curious life of

Benjaya Lofton. I almost called him Loftman. Some names are supposed to be said fast. Adam Hamm. Adam Hamm. Adam Hamm. Where's Adam Hamm? A lot of A's.

Three A's in that name. Where's Adam Hamm? Also, they have to be a first name, last name person. Who's coming? Mark's coming. Kelly is bringing her new boyfriend, David. Adam Hamm's coming. Okay, good.

No, because then someone will be like, Mark's coming. Kelly's coming. Adam's coming. Who? Adam Hamm. Oh, great. You should have just said it. What was that?

That was the old Paul Reiser bit. It was the reverse of that. He'd be like, Adam Hamm's going to be there. And you're like, who? Adam. Oh. Half the information, twice the recall. Catherine O'Meara.

Our Catherine O'Hara. Of dumb people. Killer of the recall. Catherine O'Meara, our Catherine O'Hara of dumb people. Taylor of the community. Catherine O'Meara. O'Meara. Oh, man. O'Meara. I can't wait to do her. Oh, man.

Thank you. All right, a couple more. 20 if you're following along like Jason. It's Spencer Hall. Wait, is that Spencer Hall from Shutdown Fullcast? Oh, my God. If that is. If it is.

I love you, buddy. Thank you. I don't know if it is, but there's a guy named Spencer Hall who's a brilliant podcaster. And if this is not that Spencer Hall, congratulations. Congratulations. You guys are two great Spencer Halls. Two great Spencer Halls for

the price of one. Kenny's niece, Jennifer G. Jennifer G. She plays the oboe. True local, Kevin Harrington. Kevin Harrington, great guy. Love Kevin Harrington. Works for a rescue.

Lives down in New Orleans. I'm going to get drunk with him someday. Kevin Harrington came to a lot of the online shows. Yes. He's a big Hub City fan. Always drinking a good whiskey. Am I wrong to say that? One night he was at our live Don't Be A Little Town.

He was pounding Malort. Oh, yeah. I think he was pounding Malort the one we did with ham. Do you know that I had that? We drank that Malort, and I still can't pronounce an F correctly because of that one night. You know what it did, though? It did keep me from getting COVID. That's how strong it is.

Yeah, it is that strong. That's how they made it through Prohibition because they were medicinal. I'm not joking. All right. If somebody was just born to own a convenience store, it's Jan Jen's World. Jan Jen's World? Jen's World. Jen's World.

But it's got to be Jen's World. Jen's World. Jen's World. Party time. Excellent. Okay, ready? Three more. Yes.

Natalie Duarte. Duarte? Duarte. Do you know her? Duarte. Duarte. Is it Duarte? Duarte. I think Duarte Duarte Do you know her? Duarte Is it Duarte? Duarte I think Duarte is probably

It's like Naples and Napoli Oh dude it's Natalie Duarte Do you know her? No but I love her I'm so confident I want to know her It's Natalie Duarte Katrina Melton

Katrina Melton Katrina Melton broke someone's heart in college Katrina Melton Who did you date? And they're still talking about it Why are you looking so rough? She broke up with me Who? Katrina Melton Katrina Melton better not did you date? And they're still talking about it. Why are you looking so rough? She broke up with me. Katrina Melton.

Katrina Melton better not be going through her Facebook messages because there are exes being like, just checking. Just making sure you're okay. Great picture with the kids. Why is this guy contacting me? One more. True local. Dave.

Dave. Thanks, Dave. Dave's not here. Dave's not here. Is that a show? Dave's not here? Dave's not here. Is that a show? Dave's not here? Yeah. It was an old Cheech and Chong sketch.

That's right. Dave's not here. Dave's not here, man. Hey, love you guys so much. Patreon fans, again, you are like gold to us. We appreciate you. Hope you're enjoying the extra content that we give you. Love shouting you out on the show.

Let's get back to it. All right, guys. Before Dan takes us home we want to remind you guys john dore has a new comedy album brand new comedy album recorded where recorded this one in madison at comedy on state that's a pretty good spot yeah it was fun yeah you can find it on all streaming platforms uh album uh company uh it was alison dore's company it's called howl and roar and so it's available all streaming platforms. You got to go buy it as well.

It's called A Person Who Is Gingerbread. Thanks, guys. A Person Who Is Gingerbread. Oh, my God. Who headlined the show? Wow. I can't remember who did it.

I cobbled it together from about seven hosting spots. So it was kind of a different headliner. That's why it's called Your Next Comic. At the end of the bit, it's like, okay different headliner. That's why it's called Your Next Comic. At the end of the bit, it's like, okay, next up. That's my time. I'm getting

the light every time. All right. So go pick that up. A person who is Jim Jurek. I can't wait to listen to that, John. Hell yes. It's out now. It is out. When this drops, it's out. You can get it. So support our buddy, John Doerr. Listen to it. I'm sure you're going to laugh. Hey, really quick. We didn't ever say it.

Do you guys want to tell anybody anything? Where to find you? What you're up to? Jesus Christ. You can go to, we have a Patreon. It's called patreon.com slash squad brothers. We're doing new episodes. When are you doing Cleveland?

Cheaper Seats. We're doing Cleveland on the 18th and 19th of March. So it's coming right up. We're doing hilarities. Please. We want to sell out all these shows, guys. Come on. We want to do this.

We love Nick and we love the room. We like to sell stuff out. So come see us there. And then Zach Martinez featuring for us. So those shows are going to be great. I love Zach Martinez. Isn't he a great dude? So those shows are going to be great.

And then we're going to be at Moon Tower with Daniel Van Kirk. We're going to do a live Don't People Tell. We're going to host the foosball thing with Kelsey Cook. We're going to be doing Tag It and we're going to be doing Stand Up. I'm very excited. And then in Seattle at the Crocodile in May. It's wonderful. DanielVanKirk.com.

Oh, all the stuff's there. I've got the East Coast run coming up. We're talking like New York, upstate New York, the city of New York. All that's at DanielVanKirk.com. It's like the beginning of April. And then Moon Tower, yes, I'll be with these guys. And then Live Pen Pals and Ryan Sickler and mine's new show, The Living Wake, is premiering at Moon Tower as well.

Plus I'm doing a whole bunch of stand-up. I'm sure I'll goof around while some foosball happens. If you're working in a climate where it's rather moist, you're vulnerable to perinichia. And the reason... All right, get to the last story. Nobody wants to know about that. So you got infected. Okay, okay.

I'm just saying you can incubate the infection. But okay, go ahead. Infected on the nail, you bite your nails, and then they had to go in with like a thing and just pull it out. Stop, stop, stop. Don't minimize it, Randy. It was invasive, this surgery. All right? You bite your nails and then they had to go in with like a thing and just pull it out. Stop. Don't minimize it, Randy. It was invasive, this surgery. All right? I mean, I had two shots of lidocaine.

Stop. Stop. I don't know why. Let's save it. We'll save it till the end. We'll save it till the end. For the fans of perinicula, we'll save it till the end. Why did they give you sunburn medicine?

I think it's weird that they shaved him completely. Why did they shave your pubis? They didn't do that. They didn't do that. They didn't do that. It's fine. It's fine. They did not do any of that. Sean, it's fine.

Easy, easy. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. All right. But that's a lie. Let's go. Finish up.

We'll master this up, and then I'll be in Atlanta right after Moon Tower. Now, we'll mash that up, and no one will know. Okay. Here we go. I also am a hyperhidrosis sufferer, if anyone wants to talk about that. Sent in by at Carleen McDermott at She Be Carleen. Love her. A Sydney Lerner driver will face court after police said he, quote,

made a series of wrong decisions leading him to impaling his car on a metal railing. Yep. The man crashed the Toyota Prado on Elizabeth Drive. I don't even know what a Toyota Prado is. I don't know what a Toyota Prado is. Never heard of it. It's the Jimmy Pardo of Toyota Prados. What?

It's like a car that only exists in... So we'll be in... Australia. If you told me that Toyota Prado was Mercedes Rule's goddaughter, I'd be like, yeah. Toyota Prado on Elizabeth Drive at Bonnie Rig on Friday at about 6.15 p.m. Impaled it on a railing. Right.

So Toyota Prado on Elizabeth Drive at Bonnie Rig on Friday. It's like a new version of Clue. I know. Police said the driver. But then they repeat this. The police said the driver, quote, made a series of wrong decisions that resulted in this vehicle becoming impaled on the center divide fence. It's alleged that he was driving without supervision.

Not good. You have a learner right now in your house? She does not want to learn, John. She doesn't want to drive a car? She doesn't. I'm like. Is she going to move to New York? No.

Maybe. But I'm like, come on. Let's learn how to drive. You should know. her she doesn't want to drive a car she doesn't I'm like is she going to move to New York no maybe but I'm like you got come on let's learn how to drive you should know she just doesn't give a shit doesn't care what's her reason

yeah what's the reason for not wanting to learn she's like it's no big deal it's not it's not important really so you gave her

too much independence so I have to drive her tonight to go see her friend who's in town from New York and then go to do a comedy spot at the comedy store and then get to do a comedy spot at the comedy store then go to a friend's house because she's in town from New York and then go to do a comedy spot at the comedy store and then get to do a comedy spot

at the comedy store. Then go to a friend's house because she's leaving town, moving out of town, and then come back and pick her up from Sherman House. And she's 16? Yep.

Ran. Just stop. But this is a perfect example of why she should learn to drive. So is she afraid of driving? Is it not a fear? No, she's just, nope, she just is like,

eh, I'll figure it out. Not into it? I's not a fear. She's just, Nope. She just was like, eh, not into it. I'll figure it out. If she loved her parents left, she'd be less, she'd be rebelling more and definitely want to drive away from you guys. You did too good of a job parenting so that she's like,

what's wrong with the system? We haven't driven her away enough. We haven't sat on her. She's rebelling against her peer group in order to spend more time with you guys. She doesn't want the independence of... Look at it. Does she have perinichia? Let me tell you what it is.

She's got parent nichia. It's hard to grab the grip. It's hard to grab the steering wheel with this. So this person doesn't know how to drive. She's got parent nichia. We've gotten under her skin, John. Okay. Well, listen.

Yes. But well played, and I do like it. I didn't give you the laugh, but it definitely deserved one. But yeah, that's too bad, but it's not environmentally friendly. Do you want to see what this car looks like? Okay, I'm going to share this with you guys so you can see. This person who doesn't know how to drive. And this is the car your daughter was driving, right?

She's not driving at all. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. Just nicked it. That is wild. Yeah, when I heard impaled, this is not what I imagined. Oh my God. Oh my Lord. Just nicked it. Student. That is wild. Yeah.

When I heard impaled, this is not what I imagined. Wow. Seriously. This will all be on social media for dumb people town fans. What is hanging out of the, what fell out of the car? The driver had also been drinking. Probably the driver. Sounds like this guy, not your daughter, Ran, is on the fence about driving. I agree.

Yeah. He's really on the go. He provided a positive road breath test and subsequently arrested and... At least it was positive. At the police station, returned a reading of... What do you guys want to say? They were drunk while not knowing how to drive.

Driving. What's your BAC, John? I don't even know how high these things are. Leave me out of this one. 0.08 is legal. Legally drunk. 0.15, you are very drunk. 0.2 and above, you are hammered.

0.3 and above, you're invisible. Wow. Okay. Well, I'm going to go. He's young. Yeah, I'm going to go 0.21. Okay. 0.16.

Okay. Say 0.12. Okay. 0.16. Okay. Say 0.12. Okay. One of you is only one number off. Thank you very much. I've won them all today. This is the third one and I've won it. Excellent. Good. I can't wait to try. You get to go up or

down. What do you want to do? 0.13. 0.13. I'm going to go 0.22. 0.18. 0.22. Okay..18. .13. Way to go, Randy Sklar. .22 was a little high. Let me change my guess here.

You want to change it now? We already know the answer. Did you get the answer? I didn't hear. I would say.13 if I had to guess. Good job, John. You got it. You nailed it. Did I get it really? Yes.13 if I had to guess. Good job, John. You got it. You nailed it. Did I get it? Really?

Sorry, I had my earphone off for a second. As a learner driver, he's required to maintain zero blood alcohol content. His license was suspended immediately and he was issued a notice to attend court. If he's your kid. You asked what fell out of the car? A can of wild turkey.

Never seen wild turkey in a can. A can of wild turkey? Yeah. If you're drinking a can of wild turkey. Drink it out of the can. You got to drink it, bro. We got bigger problems. There you go.

We got no problems with John. David Dore, go get his album. March 4th. Go see Dan. A person named Gingerbread? A person who is Gingerbread. A person whose name is Gingerbread. No, a person who is Gingerbread. No, no, no. You guys are getting it wrong. A person who is Gingerbread. Okay, Ginger name is gingerbread. No, no, no.

You guys are getting it wrong. A person who is gingerbread. Okay, Gingerbread Man. That's the name of the album. Oh, my God. It is a person who is gingerbread. Okay, fine. Listen to these hosers getting it wrong.

These hosers getting it wrong on purpose. We talk like that to us. We're going to end this episode. But literally, go get his album. He's covering the band Bread. It is a wonderful, wonderful collection of songs. He's in a red wig, and it's called A Person Who Is Gingerbread. Anyway, go get it.

We're the Sklar Brothers. He's Daniel Van Kirk. And, oh, shit, we, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb