Dumb People Town - Jon Dore - Welcome To Subway

Episode Date: February 9, 2021

This week Jon Dore comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a newspaper delivered with something extra. The second story is about a friend request denied and the death threat that followed. The final story is about a boy stuck in a cat post.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Door. Mr. U. Population Door. Mr. John.

Oh, John Door. How's it going up in Alaska? It's going good, eh? Thanks for having me, boys. Are you cold up there? Question. It is a little chilly out. Yeah, we got a lot of rain, and it was very mild.

And then all of a sudden, just a real cold spell, eh? Did you get a nor'easter up there? Well, yeah, you could say. but it's a Pacific northwester. So a nor'wester. I thought it was so far up that the Pacific and the Atlantic are the same. The Sundine twins couldn't even recognize each other. That's how much snow is in the air. Hey, ask the three of you a question.

John, I feel like you know this better than anybody. How come hockey has a monopoly on the word boys? No other sport gets to use boys. No other sport. You're right. You're absolutely correct. Like when people are watching, come on, boys. Yeah, you're absolutely right.

Nobody's at a Laker game. They're like, come on, boys. No, that's racist. I know, but I don't mean it that way. But it would come off like that. It's probably a good reason. Nobody's doing it at baseball games. If you made it like, come on, boys. No, that's racist. I know, but I don't mean it that way. But it would come off like that. It's probably a good reason. Nobody's doing it at baseball games. If you made it singular, it'd be racist.

Do you think baseball, you might hear it at a baseball game. You might hear it at a women's softball game. Hey. The boys of summer. I guess you hear the boys of summer for baseball. The boys of summer for baseball. Come on, boys. But it's all boys.

Let's go, boys. Come on, boys. Let's go, boys. Let's go, boys. Pick it up, boys. Let's go, boys. There's so much. It's definitely prevalent in hockey go, boys. Come on, boys. Let's go. Let's go, boys. Pick it up, boys. Let's go, boys. There's so much. It's definitely prevalent in hockey, for sure.

For sure. There's so much snow. And I'll tell you what. I was at the local here in Juneau, Alaska. Because our numbers are a little lower. So it's open. I can go to the local and get a beer. And no questions asked.

You just walk there. You wear your mask through. And then you sit down at the bar. And they're like, you want asked. Like you just walk there, you wear your mask through and then you sit down at the bar and they're like, you want something to drink? And you go, yeah. You sip it right through the mask. No way. You take your mask off and you just pound it

like regular life. Like real life up in Alaska. Jesus Christ. So the bartender, Christian, he doesn't even like hockey, but he watches it because I want it on. And so he calls them boys. He doesn't even like the sport. And he's like I want it on. And so he calls them boys. He doesn't even like the sport, and he's like, come on, boys.

See? That's how you do it. The guy who doesn't even watch hockey naturally says, come on, boys. Dan, I know John Doerr is with people on a regular basis, but John, are you on the new season of Alone? Is that why you're up there? That's my question. I was.

I can't get into why I'm not anymore. Okay. I picked up a gig on I'm not anymore. Okay. All right. Fine. I know that's... I picked up a gig on Ice Road Truckers. Oh, nice. Ice Truck Rotors.

Ice Truck Rotors. It's a different kind of show. Keep the numbers down. Yeah, we fix the rotors on ice trucks. That's smart. It's a different show. That's a cool show. I'd like to hear that.

It's a good idea. Well, you do have a new show. We're going to talk all about it. But first, we've got to run you through the gauntlet of dumb. Do you think, is it dumber up in Alaska, or are people just smarter up there? OK, this is really complicated. So I'm going to tell you right now,

when I moved to Juneau, Alaska, the capital, I thought, wow, progressive. You know, a little bit blue. And then the more I hang out at this local bar, you meet these guys like jim yeah who's a full-on conspiracy and all his buddies but but he's but i this is new to me but he he's like uh he he thinks that they're trying to weed out uh white people like they he thinks that the the democrats want to kill white people and not vaccinate them,

but he also thinks the vaccine's a hoax. Yeah, of course. Well, both of those are true. He's mad that he can't get it, but he also thinks he can't possibly get it. I'm mad I can't get the thing. I want them to ask so I can say no. Yeah, I just want to be part of the conversation.

It just hurts not to be asked. Yeah. That's Jimmy, eh? Yeah, that's Jimmy. Jimmy Q. Jimmy Q-Nan. I think people are starting to believe all that stuff. People out there would probably think that the moon chases the sun away in the wintertime.

For a long time. That's a scientific fact. The moon is out. The moon is stronger than the sun in the winter. Well, it's closer. Yeah, are you getting those crazy nights? Two hours of sun. Yeah, what are you getting right now?

No, no, no. We're southeastern Alaska. So we're now, I mean, the sun kind of just went down. You're below Banff. It's very cloudy a lot of time. You're below Banff at this point. We's north of Banff. I don't know the map.

I think you're below Seattle, but I don't know the map. Thereby Saskatoon. Guys, you're way off. We're further north than all those places. Don't pick on people, John. You know what? I take it back. I apologize.

You're next door to Kitchener. I love it. Well, the world's getting dumber as per Jim's conspiracy theories. Dan gets stories sent to him. I do. Let's jump into one and try and break it down. Okay, Johnny? And then we'll talk about your awesome show coming up on the other side of this break okay love it okay here we go sent in by jake

groney at jake groney groney groney groney deland florida very far from where you are yeah john door exactly op caddy corner from where you are kitty corner we're a little bit north of there a little bit not by much though if i'm looking at the map correctly. You're right below. You guys are right below Atlanta. We's pretty close. We's pretty close to there. A Delan man says the person who delivered his newspaper Monday also defecated in his yard. Yep.

Yeah. Here's the news. Yeah. News flash. Quote, who does that? That's just totally irresponsible. Some would say it's responsible. Yeah.

He had a duty to himself. And then he had a duty on his lawn. Okay. that that's just totally irresponsible. Some would say it's responsible. Yeah, he had a duty to himself and then he had a duty on his lawn. Okay, that's claw brothers for all caps. All caps I'm sorry, so you're you're you're the paper boy, okay, and that's the only that's the other praise right. Call someone a boy. You're the paper boy. You throwing around boys all of a sudden all of a sudden you get a rumble in the old you're the number two paper boy in that town what are you gonna do if you gotta go you gotta put a biscuit in a basket somewhere what do you do well yeah i mean you gotta fertilize the lawn

every now and then right you're helping but here's the other thing what are the other options i mean right there are other options but you go in your car or on your bike depending on what your mode of transpo is i'll say this i how old how old is this person sorry we don't know we don't know but i've seen i'll go outside it's a man they'll be there aren't there aren't paper boys anymore i mean there isn't no one's riding around on a bike uh delivering newspapers they do in Rochelle, Illinois still. Do they really? Yes. That's where I got to move then. Nobody allows 13 or 14-year-old boys

to ride on bikes at five in the morning. Forget it. I'm telling you. That does not happen. It happens. Nope. It's Rochelle. I don't care.

It's scary, dude. It's a good job. It's a good starter job. It's fun to collect money and knocking neighbors' doors and they try and hide from you it's fun well randy this is different okay like not in rushel illinois all right i don't even know if that's a real place dan you talk about it rush hell rush hell it's r-o-c-h-e-l-l-e

the hub city rushel rushel yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah rachel yeah and it's a real place i think i'm hearing it wrong but i think you're saying it right, but maybe I'm hearing it wrong. It's Rochelle. We'll say it one more time. I want to make sure I'm saying it right. Rochelle. Rochelle. Got it.

Exactly. I think I'm hearing him wrong. No, no. He's saying it right. Really? Yeah. He's got it. Did you guys ever have a paper route?

No. We never had a paper route, although my wife's brother had a paper route in St. Louis, kind of nearby our house when she and her brother lived there. And yeah, he made money. And I remember one time she went on the paper route with St. Louis, kind of nearby our house when she and her brother lived there. And yeah, he made money. And I remember one time she went on the paper route with him. She was saying, I don't remember it, but she told me about it. And yeah, that was very much a respectable job. But I guess if you're like, what if you're at the beginning of your run and you're like, I got to go. I got to go. You got to go. Yeah. Take the papers to Dump Town.

My friend Cam had two paper routes in two different apartment buildings. It took him 10 minutes. He'd just take them all the way up to the top floor, block the elevator, drop them in front of everyone's door. And we're talking about the newspapers now. And then he'd come all the way down to the bottom. It would take him 10 minutes. And he'd get paid the same as someone who took an hour and a half to do their route.

That was genius. Cam lucked into it. Cam lucked into it. Cam lucked into it. Wow. If you can get a paper route in an apartment building, you're set. You're set. You're golden. It's the best job.

Best job. So who does that? That's totally irresponsible, Terry Williams said. Williams gets this. Who was not asked by anyone. Yeah. Williams gets this. You guys want a quote?

I'll give you a quote. I'm going to say one sentence and you're going to know a lot about this guy. You reporting on the defecator? I just got a quote. I just got one for you. Okay. Well, ring my sentence and you're going to know a lot about this guy you reporting on the defecator I just got a quote I just got one for you okay well ring my bell when you're done we'll have lemonade I'll give you a quote we're good sir thank you

you can go back in your house if you want lemonade and you don't want the quote you can just have the aid I'm not much of a December January lemonade guy I'm going to write the quote down and leave it on my step. You can keep it. In case you want it. Don't get upset if we don't get it.

Okay, well, thanks. And watch your step. I don't know if you heard, but a gentleman defecated on the lawn. You're trying to sneak a quote in. No, I'm not. I'm just letting you know, watch your step. That doesn't count. No quote, but if you want someone to comment on what happened, we do that.

We do not, sir. You don't need it. Okay. And did I ask about the lemonade? Yes. You had the lemonade several times. Okay. Okay.

Do you want a quote about the lemonade? No. Okay. I'll be quiet. Okay. Bye for now. Do you mean a quote as in price of the lemonade or a quote, quote? Well, let me go inside and see what it costs anyways.

No, just stay in there when you go that's right either way i better go check okay bye for now you're good terry williams here's what you'll know about him gets the new york times on weekends only yeah which is what he probably made very clear he doesn don't want it on Mondays. And he's also the type of person who's got to tell you every day he doesn't want it. I don't want it on Mondays. I don't want it on Tuesdays. I don't want it on Wednesdays. I don't want it on Thursdays.

I do want it on Friday, and I'll take it on Saturday, and I'll take it on Sunday, because I consider Friday the weekend. He said, we got it. He says Saturday's delivery was special and not in a good way. He said the driver came through his gate. Now you already know he's got his own gate and he only gets the New York

Times on the weekend. He says any gate anytime you walk through my gate. He says he came through as usual punching the gate code but stopped short of Williams house. The surveillance video shared with W E S H two is a bit gate code, but stop short of Williams house. The surveillance video shared with W E S H two is a bit grainy, but it shows the driver

squatting down in the bushes alongside the road leading up to Terry Williams house. Oh boy, why would somebody come in to somebody's yard, drop their pants, defecate and wipe themselves up and leave the papers in a pile there. Williams asked because you want to put the papers in a pile.

Exactly. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this guy, too. And there's a lot of things at play here. Is Terry Williams or is this? Terry Williams. Look at Terry Williams. Okay. He has a window into his mask that he has moistered up to extreme levels.

So he's got a mask on, but you can see his mouth. His lip smooth. Yes. This is the NCAA Tom Izzo basketball coach mask. Yeah. Okay. So you got that. We got it.

We got it. Jesus. Yeah. And he's sorry. It's also smushing his own face. Nothing about this mask is working as it's supposed to. That's all you need to know about Terry Williams. The mask doesn't fit.

So you must acquit. Why would somebody come into somebody's yard, drop their pants, defecate and wipe himself up and leave the papers in a pile there because they had to suck and he had to shit right. William said it happened just after four in the morning, an employee coming in hours later to his own house. This guy's

rich and a play coming in hours later. Notice the mess along with the used paper towels quote. He's got paper, blue paper wrappings, and they put the paper in. He could have cleaned it up with all that, hauled it off, and nobody would have ever known. So he wanted him to doggy bag himself.

Put your hand in the blue wrapping, pick it up, and throw it away. This is what I was going to say. There are some times when I'll go out and pick up my dog's poop from the front lawn, and it could have been a goose that did it. It's true. It could have been a UPS joke.

A goose is not going to deliver a newspaper. That's true. There's no way. It's not going to get it right. Well, if it's New York Post, maybe. Terry is offering suggestions. He doesn't seem that outraged. Am I getting this wrong?

Or is Terry also saying, hey, I don't mind you pooping on the lawn. I watched the video. He's pissed, John. Oh, he is furious. He's super pissed. He doesn't understand why he had all these newspapers and little blue bags and he couldn't pick up his own shit that's right do it's fair williams well go ahead but can we back it up sorry dan can i put a pin in it for one so this gentleman delivered the newspaper properly onto terry's step after he shot in the road

got it okay so he pooped in the road then Got it. So he pooped in the road, then delivered it properly. Yes. I thought maybe he just left the newspaper next to it on the lawn. Go ahead. Thank you. Just a one stop. Williams has tried repeatedly to get through to the New York Times with no luck. He also filed a police report with a Volusia County Sheriff's Office.

He feels like the type of guy that would call Chuck Schumer. Exactly. You got to handle this. Terry Williams, you're in deland florida and you think that the new york times is going to give a shit about some penny saver person they hired to deliver the weekend edition of the shit on your lawn that's true he's the only guy who gave a shit according to the sheriff's report the deputies investigating did reach someone at the new york times a spokesman said people delivering the paper are third party contractors and that she

would share the deputy's email address with the contractor. She's like, I'll pass it along. How much is that kicking it down the road? Oh yeah, we'll pass on. You know what we'll do? We'll open up an investigation. No, no, I want the I want the character from Barry Sobel's comedy act about the New York airport to be

doing. Remember? Yeah, they very so do you remember Barry Sobel, the comedian? Very funny. I do, but I don't know the, okay. So he just said like, I got my luggage lost at LaGuardia airport. He's like, that's the worst place in the world to get your luggage lost.

You go up to the front, the woman's like, that's all I need right now is you and your bags. You want me to turn the airport upside down and shake it around till your bags fling out exactly you're the new york times the amount of people delivering your paper around the country or world that are doing bad shit you don't have you don't have time i would say you're of new york times i would say it is good to approach them sorry go ahead oh i would just

say this person uh you get the New York Times paper. I want you to go to the front page right now. I want you to read me the lead stories that are going on right now in the world. There's COVID-19. There was an insurrection in America. There's other things. There are a few more important things. Have a good day.

This person's shitting. Have a good day. I disagree. I disagree. Those things may be important. However, the phone call to the New York Times was not, can you stop the insurrection on the Capitol? The phone call was, hey, an employee of yours,

whether it's being an outsourced third-party employee or not, someone related, someone involved in the chain of command, in the process of getting me the news that you provide, has pooped on my lawn. I would like someone to do something about it. Someone over there hired a goddamn public shit dropper. I would say this if I'm Terry Williams on that call. I want

you guys to continue thinking globally. You are the New York Times, but I want you to act locally and get rid of this Yahoo. Yeah. Yeah. And if you want, I got a neighbor who can give you a quote. No. You do not need a quote, nor do we need lemonade. I'll be here if you need me.

Ring the bell. I've got it hooked up so I can hear it in the basement too. We know, okay. Don't admit you're doing some sort of weird surveillance. Don't go down this road with him. You're going to get a quote. You're going to get a quote. You go down this road.

Well, the doorbell, I'll be honest with you, the doorbell initially couldn't hear it when I was in the basement with the TV loud. So my son-in-law ran an extra speaker down there. So I hear it loud and clear now. Oh, it's for your doorbell. It clears the doorbell, to be honest. I got you. Okay.

Yeah. So if you want to ring the bell, I'll hear it. No, no, no. We're good. We're good. Okay. I got to go check on the roast anyway. Thank you.

Okay. Do that. The sheriff's office says the act is a misdemeanor and they're working to identify the driver. The homeowner. Can't believe anyone would do such a thing, especially during this is where you're this is where you get to really know Terry Williams from him, someone shitting in his

to the world. He goes. I can't believe someone would do such a thing, especially during a worldwide health crisis. He has tied in this person shitting at four in the morning, trying to deliver papers to keep their own goddamn lights on and I assume pay some sort of child support. I don't know what's going on in their life, but I'm

just saying it's a it's a pants demic. He's tied this into Jason Jason. He's tied this into a fucking pandemic. I like it. I think Terry should now's the time.

You can't do it when the pandemic's over. Hitch that wagon to something big. Go do it. You ready for him to double down? Here he goes. Terry Williams said to leave the pile there for my grandkids to mess around in. Oh, God. Or other people.

He now thinks, what kind of grandkids do you have that if they find human shit they're like, we gotta plan this. Can we roll around in it? Yep. New York Times isn't gonna do anything about it. Well, the grandkids come by all the time to my yard. We do not need the grandkids.

We don't need a quote. I'll be inside. But yeah, I mean, look, Terry's not wrong here. I mean, this is problematic. Let the grandkids mess with it. This is gross. Well, I don't think the grandkids are intentionally playing with it. No, but they will mess around with it.

What? And it could be a COVID poop. What age of kid would unwittingly play with human shit? Three, four. Anything above. And if there are three, why are they outside by themselves in the first place? Because we're all sick of our kids. No kid unsupervised outside.

Dan, we're all sick of our kids. If they're in the gate, we're fine. If they're in the gate, you're fine. I don't know how they do things in Rochell, Illinois, but I'll tell you something right now. Sounds like you're saying it wrong. Have you, even if you're not deliberately playing with it, have you ever gone running outside with a friend to catch a Frisbee and you slip in some wet shit? There you go. You could break your neck. You could break your neck. You're going to hurt yourself. You're going to mess around in it. Have you ever gone running outside with a friend to catch a Frisbee and you slip in some wet shit? There you go. You could break your neck.

You could break your neck. You're going to hurt yourself. You've got to mess around in it. You're going to be reaching for the Frisbee. It's going to be one of those Frisbees that rises and goes a little further than you think. Yeah, you go to lay out so you try and get that one last step in with a bit of grip and then that leg slips out from underneath you. You're losing an ACL.

You'll be in full traction in a matter of an hour. And then as a three-year-old, you won't get to run your paper route. Exactly. Full quote. It's all connected. To leave the pile there for my grandkids to mess around in. Crying, Terry? Or other people.

That's dangerous. That's dangerous. dangerous. It's dangerous. Just to have a pile of shit there that anybody could get hurt on or, God forbid, accidentally eat.

Yeah, thank you. He's got another quote. So who would have approached Terry about doing a story about this? He's the one who's calling everybody. He's calling WESH out of DeLand, Florida. He could get them on the

phone. It's refreshing news. We need it. We need news like that. We canceled the subscription. The New York Times can keep their papers and their delivery people. He's so pissed. And this delivery boy can go ahead and print a retraction from his butt.

That's right. Or however that would work. I'll fax it straight from his ass. That's story number one. Oh, God. That is... That's a lot of emotion. A lot of people sound in a lot of emotion.

So dumb. I want the New York Times to just give him like six months for free and see what he thinks about it. The fact that he canceled the New York Times, as though they have anything to do with this 4 a.m. yard shit. Here's what I think is going to happen. The New York Times... 4 a.m. yard shit. Yeah, the New York Times gives him the paper for free, but they give him

every day, and he calls up and says, I don't want Monday. I don't want Tuesday. I don't want Thursday. I don't want Friday. All right, that's story number one in the books. Story number one down in the books. John David Doerr is with us on the show. In other words, we like to call him Allison

Doerr's brother. We're going to talk to him about his new show on, is it on the CBC? Correct. CBC. It's a comedy show because John Doerr is one of our favorite funny people in the world. And we'll talk about that on the other side of this break. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound sound there's more dumb people town

hey guys welcome back to dumb people town uh before we get into all of john's wonderful uh things that he's doing especially his tv show uh we want to mention that we are doing a live dumb people town uh at no Club. Sit down if you didn't know. February 27th Jack Black and Open Mike Eagle. Yes, we are not messing around. It's like taking a crap on a lawn. You're going to love it. I'm telling you right now. We got

posters that are insane by Jeff Tice that are like Nacho Libre style wrestling posters that we'll be selling. It is going to be a blast. And signing. So go to eventbrite.com. Look up live, dumb people, get your tickets now because I,

we are almost completely sold out of the VIP pre show. We're going to do a Patreon, a live page. So join us. I love it. Cause I get to just kick back for that first one and people get to see us make the sausage for a page around and have a good time. So check that out.

Live, dumb people, don't get your tickets now. And Daniel, you got stuff. Go to danielvKirk.com. If you want to play bingo, tell some secrets and then also we got pub trivia and movie night for the next movie. I'm watching the first week of

March is I've never seen Casablanca. It's a good one. Casablanca. It's a good one. It's pretty good. Should have been in color, but it's good and they didn't. They weren't. I don't know if they know. I don't think they should. they made the choice to make it black well that's fine

all right Jonathan sorry about that humor resources humor resources tell us about the show it looks so funny of course you're hilarious Technicolor

Technicolor yeah it's well we have a television show we have a television show that airs on the CBC we've aired so for people who don't know that's Canada's

Broadcasting Corporation so it's a beauty that's where's Broadcasting Corporation. Good on it. So it's a beauty. That's where Hockey Night in Canada first aired. Yeah, yeah. Don Cherry's hats. Henderson, that's where you would have heard Henderson.

Henderson scores! That's where you would have heard it. 1972, right? But yeah, so the CBC, we have a television show which you can watch. This is for the Canadians only right now.

Who knows? We don't know where this show is going to end up, but it's called Human humor resources I play a human resources manager for stand-up comedians we comb through their case files and I talk to them about what could be considered problematic and then yes we try and steer their careers

in the right direction so it's been fun we had Sarah Silverman on the show Nikki Glazer Arthur Simeon Debra Giovanni yes yes so it's a really fun show and yeah we have two more episodes Blazer, Arthur Simeon, Debra Giovanni, lots of funny people. Yes, yes. So it's a really fun show. And yeah, we have two more episodes coming up. I love it.

Was this done through the Montreal Comedy Festival? Just for Laughs? Just for Laughs, are they producing it? Just for Laughs is the production company. Love it. And it's a show that kind of existed prior to this pandemic, but then the CBC lost its Olympics programming due to COVID, and they didn't know what was going on with their hockey. So yeah, we pitched this show,

and yeah, it kind of was a quick turnaround. They picked it up. It's so good. It's you being funny in the way that you're funny. So people in America cannot find it. Can they find any clips online? Obviously, they can follow you on your Twitter or your Instagram. And they should be sending you, unless I'm mistaken, they should be sending fan art to you that they have for the stuff. Stop it. Everybody send that.

I love the fan art. I'm actually not joking. No, you love it. You love it. You love it. What I discovered was the more I say don't send fan art, the more people started sending it. And a lot of it was irresponsible.

It was sexual. Well, some of it i can't even share publicly i wanted to give people examples but you can go to my instagram and twitter and find out more about the show and you'll find out if it will air in the united states and when that will be it should um tv's john door tv's john door on twitter and john door right on that no it's at tv's john door twitter and instagram great and yeah so uh but anyway, no, no fan art, please. And Dan, don't just, I prefer if you didn't even know. You love it.

Right, but you like it. But guys, stop it. He loves it, but enough is enough. It's like when I say I don't want another piece of pie. If you want to make him happy, send it, but he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't want it anymore. If you really want to make John Doerr smile. I don't even want to say anything right now.

I can't tell if you guys are being genuine or not, but I do not want fan art. I'm not the star of the show. The comedians are. I bet you do want fan art. Huddle Trump's going to hit you up. Dude, you should put all the fan art. You should hang it up behind you.

You should hang it up. And everything should be pixelated. Frame it. Michael Jones, my buddy Isaac. I'll send you an example of the art I'm talking about, and it's just for you guys. I might put it, if you send it to me, just so you know, I might post it. Post it up on Twitter.

No, they're highly sexualized images of me. People were sending pictures of me lying on my back in a bed. The muscle tone is quite good. They got the muscle tone correct. It was very chiseled. Yeah, some of it I was happy with, but then it was compromising vulnerable positions that I was being depicted but then it was compromising vulnerable positions

that I was being depicted in you want more I did not enjoy it no no no I'm not even joking let's just leave it at that send it in he doesn't want anymore

I'm not saying I'm not saying another word I don't want more so here's what we want you to do if you're in Canada or you have a way to support the show please support this show

send him the fan art but most importantly make sure this show can go on long enough for us to get on the damn show. Yeah, that'd be fun, too. That's the plan. Yes.

We need the Sklar brothers and Daniel. That would be so great. They'd love it. And we have files on all of you as well. I appreciate it. I believe in you. And we actually have not only a stand-up comedy file, you're what we'd consider a stand-up adjacent employee as well. Thanks.

Because you do podcasts. Yeah. So we have files on you and lots to talk about and customer complaints and suggestions that we think you should hear. And basically what I do when I interview you is I'd like to shine a light on a lot of your accomplishments, but I'd like to highlight some areas for improvement.

As long as there's fan art that gets sent to you, I'm not complaining. Stop it. I'm not even joking. Let's leave it. Let's get into another another story sent in by Spencer Spencer Daniels at bad liver and that's at

TV's John door. If you have fan art, here we go. Oh my God, I'm not even joking. No wonder he didn't want to be friends on Facebook. I'm going to read you the headline. That was the first line. Here's the headline could have done a different order. I didn't ready man threatens to kill former boss after

he didn't accept Facebook friend request. Are you guys nodding like you did this on your show? It doesn't matter. Sons of bitches. It doesn't matter. John, you and I are going to do a story together. No, we're going to participate. I don't even remember this story.

So wait a minute. This is a story that you guys have heard on their daily show. They do a show called daily people town wait stop so you did that one we've covered this a long time ago but but let's talk about it i don't really remember i don't know this story threatened to kill his employer because he asked his employer to be a friend on facebook no wonder he didn't want to be friends on Facebook. A North Dakota man is a that's already threatening to me. Aren't there like six people in North Dakota? They're frightened. A North Dakota man

is way more than that is accused of threatening to kill his former boss after he didn't accept his Facebook friend request. According to the Williston Herald. Yep. Williston. Yep. Williston Herald better accept it. Caleb Berzik. Do you want to try and guess how that name is spelled?

Do either of you two remember? No. I just remember there were a lot of consonants. It's a Harry Carey nightmare. Okay. Caleb Berzik. Do you want to take a stab at it, John Doerr? I will.

I will. So it's Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. So Caleb. That could be a few things that we could go C-A-L-E-B. No, you're good on the Caleb, just the Berzik. Berzik. Okay, gotcha. Well, that's where I'm going to run into trouble. Why don't you give me the hard one?

So Berzik, I would say B- E-R or B-U-R. Oh, you got to pick one. B-E-R and Zik would be Z-I-E-K. Okay, alright. Jason? B-Y-R-S-C be Z-I-E-K. Okay. All right. Jason? B-Y-R-S- C-Z-I-C.

Okay. B-U-R-C- Z-Y-K. Okay. Any of my townies out there, I'll love you forever. If you also played along, you get one shot on your honor and then let us know. Send us if you did it right, send John door fan art

don't Caleb Burzik, B, you are CZ, Y, K, I go, I remembered it. Yeah, he said he's any consonants is Sklar. We got three SKL. That's terrible. He sent his many consonants. It's Sklar. We got three. SKL. That's terrible. He sent his old employer. This is why he's mad. He's got too many consonants in his last name. The invitation to become virtual pals on Christmas Eve.

If someone had worked for you, whether you fired them a week ago or they worked for you a year ago and you get a friend request for them on Christmas Eve. This is like diehard. Part of me. That would scare me. This is diehard. Why are you thinking about me? On Christmas Eve. This is like diehard. Part of me, that would scare me a little bit. This is diehard, the social media version. Why are you thinking about me on Christmas Eve?

Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee,

dee, dee, dee, dee. He's checking his friend request. Well, that's what you do. I mean,

right? And I'm maybe wrong. The expectation is out of control. Christmas at the door house was you wrap the presents. They get put under the tree. Maybe you put out some milk for Santa Claus. You check your friend request.

Make sure you don't have any. Then you turn out all the lights. They check your friend request again. Just make sure there aren't any. And then you sleep with your phone because you never know. There could be a friend request that comes in the middle of the night.

I was fired from a job where I was a bartender at a restaurant, an elite snobby group of people at a restaurant in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada on Wellington Street. I'm not going to give the name. Why not? But I was fired.

Why would you give the name? It doesn't matter. Yes, it does matter. It does matter. What are we talking? Just high-end Americana? No, no, I don't want to do that. But anyway, so I was fired.

Just North American fare? What was it? What type of food? It was a bistro fusion, just high-end americana i i don't want to do that but anyway so i was american fair what was it what type of food i was it was a bistro fusion uh italian meats mediterranean whatever we're going like thai with like a tie with a white apron like a waist he said italian no not thai food no i'm saying a necktie with a waist apron is that what we're doing yes thank you very much yes necktie waist apron enforced very good yeah so um and i had to iron a shirt every morning it's horrendous.

Right. I could never be a politician. Too much ironing. Have you seen what they wear? Every day they got ironed. You could have been Rob Ford. I wish. That guy had fun.

Right. That guy was Canada. Big, white, lot of open spaces. Smoking, cracking, dancing. I loved Rob Ford. I really did. Tell me why you got fired. Very cold at this point.

Well, they just didn't like me. It was a personality conflict. I mean, the food was great. I got along with the kitchen staff, but these horrible servers. Anyway, I'm not going to get into it, but here's the thing. I would be that person who on Christmas Eve, if there was social media back then, I wouldn't even have to be denied. I would contemplate murdering my boss.

Oh, come on. Stop it. Come on. No, I'm not even joking. I said contemplate. I'm not telling anyone to do it. John can understand where this is going to come from. Oh, come on. Stop it. Come on. I said contemplate. I'm not telling anyone to do it. John can understand what this guy's coming for. You wouldn't threaten. You would contemplate.

He sends out a friend request on Christmas Eve, as everyone does. Smart. But when Caleb Burzik didn't receive a prompt response... Keep your friends close, keep your enemies close, and keep your boss even closer on Facebook. He allegedly began to send... My name's Caleb Burzik. Okay, Caleb, we're going to have to let on Facebook. He allegedly began to say

my name's Kayla Burse. Okay, Caleb, we're going to let you go. He allegedly began to send his ex boss menacing messages, including one that read quote except my friend request or I'm going to murder you, which, by the way, is what Mark Zuckerberg envisioned when he came up with face. Of course he did. What was the time? How much time elapsed from the initial request to the message? 30 minutes? This is January 2nd.

He sent it on Christmas Eve. You figure even if it happened, like if they got the story on the first, it had to be less than four days. You know what is the one key ingredient to making a new friend? Threatening to murder them. Threatening to murder them is the taste. Because you want them to know you care. That's how you get them. Well, I live next to Caleb. I can give you a quote if you want to murder them. Threatening to murder them is how you get them. Well, I live next to Caleb.

I can give you a quote if you want to hear it. I know all about his personality. No, I don't need a quote. Well, if you need it, I tell you, I've got photos and everything. Go celebrate Christmas with your family. I've got some muffins in the oven. No, you said muffins.

Celebrate with your family. They're oatmeal raisin. Bye for now. I mean Their oatmeal raisin. Okay, I'm bye for now. Just I mean, a oatmeal raisin muffin. Okay, okay, except my friend request. I'm going to murder you Jesus two days and still no response later. So that had to be

right after for this because now we've already spanned three days. That's when you go on a social media diet two days and still no response later. The jilted worker wrote that there would quote be trouble if he had to get in his truck and track down the man. At this point on your Facebook status, do you just put threatened? Right.

He included a picture of his pickup truck in the message. Caleb, we get it. You have a truck. Yeah, that's not the part we're concerned about you lying about. Did you think someone thought he was lying about having a truck? He was going to come track the guy down? You're not driving over here. Oh, yeah?

Look, I have a truck. You're not driving over here. Oh, yeah? You're going to murder me? Is that right? In what? What kind of truck you got? In what?

What are you going to murder me in? This 98 F-150. Oh, I don't know. He does have a truck, by the way. I could tell you. I know. Do not need to know, sir. We'll don't know. He does have a truck by the way. I could tell you. We'll let you know. Okay, I'll be inside. In a Snapchat, so now

he's jumped social media platforms. He's in a Snapchat. Authorities said that Berzik posted a photo of himself in a cap and a vest. I hope it was fleece. I'm sorry. Was he selling newspapers in 1920? With a message saying the victim's family and get your vest put your murder on the doorstep there you go extra extra read all about

it i's gonna murder my former boss yeah because he wouldn't take a friend request extra extra he posted a message on snapchat saying the victim's family would need a new door. So vague. So vague. They need a new door. If you know what I mean. Surveillance footage from his former boss's home, like a ring camera, showed the man who kicked the door was wearing the identical outfit according to court documents obtained by the paper.

That's the only vest and hat he has. This dude went to his house in that truck that we've all seen a picture of. You don't have a truck. Babe, where's my kicking vest? My door kicking vest. It's with your kicking hat. I don't know. Where'd you leave your kicking vest?

Where's my kicking vest? It's wherever you last saw it. And babe is just like a mannequin. Oh, he lives alone. Babe is the TV. Hey, babe, where's my... Where's my kicking shorts? Yeah. The suspect's boss was not named in documents,

but on Berzik's Facebook profile, we're back over there, which he has 550 friends. I don't even know what relevance that has to the person who wrote this article. That's when you realize no one really checks who they're accepting. Or that he's been fired from 550 jobs. Are you ready then? i don't know if you guys remember this from when you did it but

on his facebook page it says that he most recently worked as a wireline operator at gr energy services until march with a subheading under that that says fuck you kelly duncan i have no idea who if that's the person i don't even know if that's the person he was threatening. No, that is his ex girlfriend. There's a lot of people. This guy's oh wow, he is a line man says for the county you to and he drives the main room. Once you do that, I got a god damn comedy jam. Fine, they are. they are painting quite a picture of this. John Doerr did one of the best.

John Doerr did Killing in the Name of, Rage Against the Machine for the Goddamn Comedy Jam down in Austin, and it was unbelievable. I don't recommend doing that song. I love it, but I don't recommend it. Oh, you're exhausted by the end. You're not in shape. You cannot do it.

Yeah, no, no, no. Oh, just jumping around the stage. We jumped around behind you. You did. Yes, I remember. Yeah, I turned around. We did what you told us. And jumped around behind you. You did. Yes. I remember. Yeah, I turned around. We did what you told us.

And I thought you were going to do it. That's good. We did what you told us. That's my brother's thumbs up. So this guy, they're painting quite a picture of this Caleb here. This guy has... He's got a subheading that says, Fuck you, Kelly Duncan,

followed by a red-faced devil emoji. He does not like Kelly. Great. Berserk was charged with felony counts of burglar and terrorizing in connection with the bizarre incident. He's due in court January 27th. So that just happened. He just asked the judge to follow him on Instagram

or else. I'm going to ask you guys this. We'll see how much these scholars remember. How old is Caleb Bersik? No idea. John, how old is he? This is interesting. Okay, this is interesting.

So he's been fired from a job. He hates Kelly Duncan. He's got a truck. He kicks doors. He's got a truck. It's Christmas Eve. He's got a kicking vest and hat. I'm going to say 20s, rural, 28 years old.

Okay. Jay, what do you think? Probably older. I'm going to say 20. 39. Okay. And holding. That's a good guess.

31. 31. One of you is only one year off. Okay, now do you want everyone? Does anyone want to adjust their number one up or one down? Yeah, I will thirty eight. Okay, I'll go twenty nine. I'll go thirty okay, Caleb Berset, and after I say his age, we will get a look at this gentleman great. Caleb Burzik is 29 years old.

Oh, Johnny Tore! Way to go, JD. I should be a criminal profiler. I am so good at this. I'm so good at this. He looks like a woman who is becoming a man and just got all the hormones to allow him to grow a beard. He looks like me.

Go live your life. Just don't be violent. I like him. He looks good. He seems good. I'm okay with that. Of course you are. Of many bars I've worked in,

I can tell you right now, that guy is there to fight. As soon as he walked in, I'd be like, okay, I'll keep an eye on this one. He definitely walks to the door and is like,

what? No one said anything. No one asked you anything. No one said anything. This is a pretty average looking, I mean, I don't know. Does this guy look like Jim? We're talking about stereotypes and stigma

here. I don't know. I mean, I would suggest that, yeah. I mean, you put a vest on this guy and a cap and throw him in a truck, then maybe. He doesn't have his door kicking. He's like, hey, just throw a vest and a cap on me and give me a door to kick down but here ain't nothing i can't do those three things that's all i need in life those three things and your friend request and i need your

friendship well he is he is killing it on facebook all right give us a little taste dan of what we're going to hear in segment three story number three oh we've got we've got the cutest rescue in town oh cute rescue and rescue. And for our Patreon fans, John Doerr is going to tell us a fun story. It's Dumb People Town. We have one final segment, so stay with us. Stick around.

Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Dan, take us home. Ready? Yeah. Sent in by Heather at Heathrow Kidders. Here we go. Waukesha boy rescued. Waukesha, Wisconsin.

Okay. After getting head stuck in cat scratching post. Now look, I know we are an audio podcast, but these pictures will be up on all the people. If you are not listening, if you are not joined our Facebook page, what do you do? We're going to get to the photos,

and when I show them to the three of you, it is wonderful. So head caught in cat scratching post. Yep. Cat scratching post. A walker shop boy had to be rescued by firefighters after getting his head stuck in a cat scratch. What did the cat think

this mine now? They're so territorial. They were pissed. They were pissed. Tony Baker's cat. If you watch Tony Baker, who's a buddy of ours, his videos where he like sort of voices over the cats. Animals and the cats, yeah. The general consensus is that cats are dicks in every single one of his videos.

Which is why it's so cool when they love you. Right. Because they're so aloof. Yeah. They're not even aloof, man. It's just you see like cats and dogs and they're just like, they like smack the dog like 11 times in face of the dog just dogs aren't hurt they're just like

they look like what the what the fuck dude seriously man what the fuck here we go ready yeah cynthia olsen posted photos of her son's rescue to the cat spotting society group on facebook always good idea to post photos if your son mistake, that will come back to haunt him for the next 20 years. My favorite Ewan McGregor movie. This is this image is going to be more than just a scratching post. Like this has to be an elaborate carpeted. Olson said her son had

to be removed from the post by the Waukesha Fire Department. Yep, I'm not jaws of life. Mother now here. Here is the first photo so we can take a look. We'll put it up here. Oh, I knew it. It is quite a kid is in this. You see his sister watching. You see multiple firemen there. Okay, all right. Where is he? He's yeah. I can't. Okay, I'm going to show you another picture and then it's all it's going to unravel

like a Christopher Nolan movie. Our son is absolutely fine. Olson wrote on the post. I tried desperately to get him out myself, but I'm a little vertically challenged and could not lift him straight up and turn his head and wiggle it out. Can you lay the cat? The next picture you're about to see this is like a before they get there and

one of the four of us is going to seriously think about making it the cover of our next album or fan art for John. Here we go. Show it. Wait a minute. Look at him. This is. Look at his little foot.

And they put a phone so he could watch TV while they waited for the. All the blood is rushing to his poor little head. Look at. I really want to see one more angle. I have to figure this out. I need a topographical look at this. I think he stuck his head in sideways. He doesn't know how to stick it. I think the cat

baited him in there. The cat. The cat wanted to see him do this. This is the cat. I think you gotta put the cat to sleep. Is his foot stuck too? What's going on with his foot? No, he's just dangling off the side. He's just limp. Because he's given up. How many minutes do you think he struggled for? This is a two-year-old kid. This is a three-year-oldold kid this is a kid that's not gonna learn he's not gonna learn from his

mistakes you know no and he's gonna get rid of that cat post well why would they post about this because he's gonna leave why would they cat post about this somebody somebody drew crayon on the wall somebody's a little soccer star in the background also i don't understand how what does she mean by she's vertically challenged and she can't get high enough to lift? And I got stuck in the whipping post. According to Olsen, the firefighters... In the scratching post. The firefighters got a kick.

Oh, Lord, it feels like I'm dying. You're singing a lot today. I got stuck in the scratching post. What a good voice. So what happened when the fire department got a kick out of the situation and did a phenomenal job in saving the boy.

This is July in their calendar. Thank you. We don't need to see more abs. Just show this in July. Or does one of the firefighters go, I don't think it doesn't look good. I don't think this is going to be so. Mel, ma don't think we're going to leave you alone. Mel, ma'am, you're going to have to choose.

The poster or the kid. Ma'am, we're going to give you a few minutes to say goodbye to him. What? Why? Doesn't the kid look like... That's if John Doerr was a firefighter. Yeah, I know. I could never do it in this instance.

If you turn... This is a real head scratcher. I don't think this is going to end up. This is not going to work out in your favor. Ma'am, we need to know, how much do you care about this cat scratcher? Yeah. It's either the cat scratcher or the kid.

I got to be honest, the cat scratcher might have to go. No, no, no. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can save them both. We can save them both. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a cat's favorite. Before we do anything crazy.

I'm tilting my head upside down, and he's not crying. No, dude. Butuck cat's favorite. Before we do anything crazy. I'm tilting my head upside down, and he's not crying. No, but he's losing blood. He's losing a lot. He's such a little stuck fella. I think he won't be. He's settled into his movie. He's now watching the iPhone.

He's kind of calm, but there was definitely some panic and screen going on. I mean, you give this kid as much screen time as he wants after this. Okay, so this is one of my favorite Doug Benson jokes of all time. We used to make him do this all the time, which is the impression of the girl who fell down a well but doesn't understand the gravity of her situation. This is the girl that fell down the well but doesn't understand the gravity of the situation. I'm going to get some candy. Great joke.

This kid. This little guy. Look, he may not be able to use the letter P. You know what I mean? Something's going to happen to him where you can't read. But this is how he sleeps from now on. Well, if he does get screen time after this, you should definitely monitor what he's watching.

Oh, yeah. Exactly. And you should also, he needs to start watching shapes and sizes. Right, but this is the only way he's going to be able to have sex in the future, like in this position. Why are you laying your head off the bed? John, you're a little co-star that you live with there.

You prank her all the time. It's great. Not really. I used to. Not anymore, but I don't prank her too. Well, yeah, you're right. That was a journey we went on. Yeah, you're right.

I just realized I'm lying. How old is she? I think she's the same age as my daughter. Is she seven? I have no idea. Oh, Jesus. I've never asked. I don't know.

She's right now. She's probably about 15 now. She's stuck in the scratching post. She's seven. She's the same age as my daughter. She just turned seven. Yeah. Well, what's new?

So today she said, this is one of my favorites. Today she said, oh, she can't say hand sanitizer. She says sand hand sanitizer. But I love it. Yeah, you don't want to correct it don't do it it's too it's too cute because she used to say what did she used to say oh she could never say excited she would say i'm so excited and so and i loved it so much uh but now she says excited, and I'm like, I don't know. Oh, that's why you don't want to. I can't correct you. She says excited, and you're no longer excited. No, I'm furious. I'm like, you say it the old way right now, because you're not as cute as you used to be.

I say that to my daughter all the time. Or I'm going to bring in a scratching post. It's pronounced furrious. My daughter, she thinks it's ice mocha. She's like, do you want an ice mocha or a smoka? I'm like, just keep saying it. Smoka. I have a smoka. I have to now say it. Before we leave, should we

run it back one time for the Sklars? Should we do it? Run it back one time? Here we go. Ready? Okay. Do it. Ding dong. Welcome to Subway. What can we get for you guys? I will have... Do you guys have those bowls that

you can just I would like a subway bowl, but I'd like bread on the side. Yeah, I could go in the back and see. Yeah, we have we have bowls. Did you want that? Did you want that question? Is Jared here? No, he's not here. No, we're done with him. Do you have his computer? What type

what type? Sir, what type of sandwich do you want to order? I would like some ciabatta bread on top of Italian bread. We don't have ciabatta. On top of Italian. We don't have ciabatta. You have to give us our sweet onion chicken. You know what, John? We're going to need to run it back.

Let's start again. Let's start again. Let's start again. Okay, right. Let's start again. Guys, what we need from you is a genuine. Okay, sure. It's also a window into who you are.

So if you were to order a sandwich, we want to know what sandwich you're ordering. Am I wrong, Dan? Dan, am I wrong? Okay, here we go. Am I wrong? Ding dong. you are so if you were to if you were to order a sandwich we want to know what sound okay hi welcome to subway sure is this a canadian subway okay we're gonna have to we're gonna have to start it again why it's sure it's a canadian okay okay yes i'd like a i'd like a 50 centimeter long um john with okay dan i to, I don't know about you. I mean, I'd like to put it in there. Should I just use the metric system? No. Come on in. We prefer if you're a genuine.

You're ordering a goddamn Subway sandwich. Exactly. Okay, ready? Get what you get. Okay, ready? Ding dong. Sure. Hello, welcome to Subway.

Yeah, I'd like a half foot long. Okay, what kind of bread? Yep, yep, six inch. I'll do a wheat toasted, a little bit of cheese. What kind of cheese did you want? Just a jack cheese. And I'll do the sweet onion chicken,

the chicken with the sweet onion sauce on it. Okay. Did you want that heated up too or just the bread? Yeah, definitely heat everything up. Okay. All right. We'll heat everything up for you. Oh, an avocado.

Is avocado extra? Do you want the avocado? We'll get to the avocado. Don't heat the avocado up. Sorry about that. I yelled. My manager's here. I apologize.

I've been having a bad day. It's okay. But again, just to get your order clear, you wanted wheat bread with honey chicken? No, not honey chicken. Sweet onion chicken. Okay. I'm having a really hard day here. It's okay.

It's all right, man. So if you could work with me. It's all right. All right. Do you mind if I take this guy's order? I don't understand why this show didn't work in Toronto. I got to go clean the bathroom anyway, so I'll be right back. I don't understand why this show didn't work in Toronto. To finish this guy's okay. It's all right, man. It's all right. Do you mind if I take this guy's order? I don't understand why this show didn't work in Toronto. I got to go clean the bathroom anyway, so I'll be right back. I don't understand why this show didn't work in Toronto.

To finish this guy's sub. I just got to go finish cleaning the toilet. I would like a footlong on wheat. We're out of toilet paper in there, by the way. Oh, great. I just noticed. Well, see, this is why I won't work. I'm sorry.

Are you with a customer right now? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry. What did you want? A footlong wheat? I don't know if I wanted it. And I'm finishing yours right now. If you guys don't have now? Yes. I'm sorry. Would you want a footlong wheat? I don't know if I want any. And I'm finishing yours right now. If you guys don't have any toilet paper, I think we're out.

Can I get just some baked eggs and a cookie? Okay. Okay. All right. We tried, John. All right. You guys did it. I don't know if this show is ever going to work.

I think it's going to work. No, I think it's great. I think it will. I think we should continue to try it every chance we can. Every chance we can. I love it. All right, you guys. We need cooperative people with us.

That's a show, everybody. I got to get out of this thing because if we don't, we're going to be at Subway all day. That is a show. And oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.