Dumb People Town - Jon Gabrus - I'll Be Up Shortly

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

This week Jon Gabrus comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a tree that falls on a woman’s house… then come the bees. The second story is about a man that steals a truck to meet with aliens. The final story is about a man that kept Nixon's sandwich for 60 years.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Gabrus. John Gabrus. episode of dumb people town population population gabrus john gabrus welcome back to the the quarantine version of dumb people town we miss you if there was ever a town for me it's dumb people town you came especially if i can visit without leaving my house there you go there you go and you and it's weird because you came into the studio and you were dressed slightly nicer now than you were when you came into the studio.

You treated our studio like it was your house. Yeah, I am not a fancy person. I am a t-shirt, backwards hat, and shorts guy. Yeah. I love it. I actually changed from a tank top into a t-shirt because whoever emailed me was like, we may record the zoom for,

uh, for video. I was like, well, I don't need my fucking, my Oprah Winfrey, uh, triceps.

You get a car, you get a tricep, you get a jiggle arm fat. Uh, no, dude, you are a wonderful, uh,

we are a fan of yours and you are so good in this realm. And we just had to have you back. Do you feel like the world's gotten dumber since we, since the pandemic, is it the pandemic? Oh man. I don't know if the world has gotten dumber. Everything's slowed down enough that we're starting to like able to

actually interact with the people that live in this world. And we're like, Oh yeah, no, we're very fun. You know, it's like you lived in like an apartment. Keep going. I've been living very fucked. You know, it's like you lived in like an apartment. Keep going. I'm going to check something. Keep going.

I've been living in this apartment for eight years since I moved to LA. And my neighbors were always fine. And my windows are open, so I better pump the brakes here. But now that everyone's home and around, I'm interacting with them more than ever. And it's not good. You do not want to interact with people that you only interact with because they live close. Right. Because you can't pick your neighbors.

You really can't. No. You really can't. And these motherfuckers got nothing going on. I know. I know how to get out of a conversation because we're professionals. We know how to button it. Thank you.

We know how to go like, I got a joke as I'm turning to get in my car as I'm saying it. A lot of these people will just be standing there like fucking hills have like right in front of your car and be like, the weather, huh? And you're like, oh my god. That's why sometimes even in normal life, I end it like it's a meet and greet. I'm like, you want to get a picture? And then when they get there,

I'm like, oh cool, you guys take care. It was so great meeting you. Who's next? You can't turn and be like, who's next? Who wants me to sign a poster? There's a lot of people at this Trader Joe's who I've met once who want to say hi to me, but it was great seeing you. So good of them. I definitely say like, well, I'll catch you later, man, like in the middle

of a store, like when they're like, well, I was just like, yeah, well, I'm running out. I'll see you later because we live next door to each other. I'll run into you again. That's great. We'll hear more about this later. We'll be right back. We're going to take a quick break. Going more about this later. And we'll be right back. We're going to take a quick break. Going to pay some bills and then we'll be right back.

Well, we get these stories sent to us by our awesome fans and we've got one right now. Let's jump right in. Ready, friends? It's presented by Jeffrey Alberghini. J.J. Alberghini. It's the off-brand sports car. The Alberghini. It's the off-brand sports car. The Alberghini.

Yes. The very Eastern European sports car. It comes with cologne in the center console. Like the doors open down. They flap down. There's already a steering wheel cover on it. Yeah. Visibility is very low.

Too many dice hanging from the car. Too many. A lot of blind spots. A lot of blind spots. Blind spots where there shouldn't be the middle of the back windshield. You're like, come on, this Alberghini's crazy. You ready? I love this headline. Mobile woman, or mobile, I'm sorry.

Mobile woman awoke, or maybe it's mobile. It's mobile Alabama. I gotta hear the predicate. Because what if she was mobile? She could be very like moving around a lot. Yes. What a weird modifier. It's not.

Upright person. Not at all, though. Wait till you hear that. You're right. You needed the predicate. Because mobile woman awoke to a collapsed roof over her bed. Then came the bees. Then came the bees. The. Then came the bees.

The Lord never gives you any more than you can handle, guys. I immediately think of Kurt Braunohler's bit, which is, I highly recommend. I don't even know where you can find it, but it was a bit that he was doing that we saw him do that made us laugh so hard about a woman who- A dude in his house, he didn't realize that they were... They had like 70,000 bees

in his house. In his walls. And he's like, I just didn't hear it. He's like, if I see two bees, I'm like, we got to swarm. You know what I mean? Burn the house down. The whole brilliance of the bit is like people not realizing that the shit's coming down all around us.

Literally, this is what's happening. Anytime I hear fighting off bees, I either go straight to Tommy Boy or my girl. My girl. Thomas J. Thomas J. Veda Saltenfuss, that little heartbreaker. I can't see without his glitz.

He's going to die. Thomas J. I'm allergic to everything. Everything, including chocolate? Everything. How about love? How about love? Can we rewrite the headline real quick to be immobile?

Yeah. It also works. Immobile woman. It says immobile, immobile. Oh, Jesus. Immobile Alabama. Then Came the Bees does sound like Tom Petty's follow-up album to Damn the Torpedoes. Sure. Then Came the Bees.

Then Came the Bees. Mobile Alabama from W-A-L-A in Alabama. As a Mobile native, this was not Rosetta Kimbrough's first hurricane. What? No. Is that their attempt to say it's not her first rodeo? I think so. Okay.

Jesus. And when she followed the track pushing it towards the gulf shores she figured she'd be okay on the mild side wait first of all they're taking this like no no i don't think it's i don't think it's a metaphor i think no there's a real hurricane coming and i think that's where the roof and bees came and also she's also that's what you get in like hurricane states of people being like well look i the way i tracked the hurricane yeah like as though they have their own method to everything whether or not they take it seriously or and i'm on the i'm on the

backside of her this is the problem with and people say what's so bad about this president what's so bad about this stuff when you say that thing is everything is fake you give people the opportunity to say the weather is not right sure i will track this on my own way by spitting on my thumb and holding it up in the air well hurricanes go ahead gabriel i do think there's also like a vibe to people who live in hurricane places or tornado places or city residents where people from outside the area are like what are you fucking crazy and they're like we get 25 hurricanes a week it's like you gotta pick and choose pick the one like if you go in in europe and you drive in like italy with someone and it's like 100

kilometers an hour around like mountain roads you're like this is horrifying like no this is life here this is like yeah this hurricane this hurricane? I looked at it online. We're safe. My knees don't even hurt. Does Long Island get any natural disasters? I think earthquake and typhoon visited for Monday Night Raw at the Nassau College.

Ew. That joke is maybe just for DVK. It's so good. It's so good. Well, no, there was hurricanes. Right, because you guys- Hurricane Sandy. Did go all the way up there? Yeah, we had Sandy. That's right. Yeah, Sandy went all the hurricanes. Hurricane Sandy hit all the way up there.

Sandy went all the way up there. Crazy tornadoes. Go ahead, Gabrus. Go ahead. I was going to say, I moved to LA on the end of Sandy. My apartment was completely packed up during Sandy. No way.

I was stranded. Power was out as I was driving up to bqe paying 180 dollars for a car service to take me and my wife and my dog to jfk to leave forever whoa and the power was out in new york city i'm just driving and i'm like this is horrifying but also me and my wife are like maybe it's time to leave we're getting out of here just in time. We're in our street in Brooklyn. Let's get the fuck out. And you're driving out and it's darkness and you're like, we're leaving chaos.

Yeah. And now, California, we're set. We're made in the shade. Yeah. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about at all. No fire. No fires.

No earthquake. Well, Kimbrough said she promised her husband she would join him shortly when he went downstairs to the first level of their home on West Creek Circle Drive, but she drifted off to sleep at about 4 a.m. How late does this couple stay up? What are you watching?

What is going on? I'll join you shortly. And then I'm going to fall asleep. Dan, in my mind, the husband was dead. She said I'll join you shortly and then i'm gonna fall dan in my mind the husband was dead she she said i'll join you shortly in 1998 and then came the beach and maybe i was asleep about 20 minutes and i woke up to a crashing noise she told fox 10 news I opened my eyes and to the right of me is a tree branch in the room in the bed and to the

left. I had a board going across my chest and one going across my legs. So I wasn't able to get out the side. God, how much NyQuil did she take? Oh my God, you didn't even like you're just noticing the boards across you like you're not

seeing the board. No, she's woken up to her she like the she's partying with her husband till four in the morning. He's going downstairs. Yeah fucking grab a grip of whippets and he has no idea in a little bit. He has no idea either. He's fucking time traveling with these

and everyone's always like where are you? You coming or what? No, we're right down. She'll sleep through anything this broad. Well, I was going to say, like, the tree crashes in and it's on the bed and she's just like, Jeff! Yeah. No, that's not now, honey. Not now.

I'm sleeping. So she opens her eyes. Dan, are you a heavy sleeper? I'm moderate. I used to be the heavy sleeper now it's because i brace myself for my kids to come into the room and bother the hell out of me in the middle of the night so if i hear the tiniest sound like i can hear the beginnings of the covers of my daughter's beds like coming out as she's coming into the room and i'm like i'm up i'm up three in the morning i was damn i was in a deep sleep and now i'm up this woman probably never had kids never had kids this is just a partying so she

wakes up everything's all over her tree next to her boards across her chest i wasn't able to get up the side i was able to hear but i wasn't able to see because the ceiling had come crashing down around me also okay then like something out of the four horsemen of the apocalypse came the bees is that the thing the four horsemen like something out of not listed in the bible these are the fifth horse by the way how scared would you be if you saw a bunch of bees in the shape of a horseman riding a horse i'm scared of ah b a one b at the beach will have me fucking running around right whipping my towel at it and shit and if you tell me a thousand bees come at me when i'm pinned to a table like a fucking knife and the four horsemen rick flair arn anderson only anderson

only and arn anderson only and arn the hacksawuggan. I mean, they're all coming for you. Ron Garvin, the Hands of Stone. Jake, the Snake Roberts. Okay. Then came the bees. The tree that had crashed into Kimbrough's roof was full of them. Jesus. I was stung at least how many times do you think this woman with a tree next to her, a roof on top of her, cannot see.

She starts hearing hearing which means she can first probably hear like this and then she just gets stung like the bees are probably like so mad that their house is broken they're like who can we blame who can we the bees are basically like every karen ever they're like what manager can we complain to right here we go how many times did she get thomas jade up in this bed? What do you think? Oh, this poor woman. This poor woman. I would say, let's say 300. Okay.

Jason? She's making up the numbers. So this is not scientific. That's where I went with it. I'm going to say 500. She's going to say 500. I'm going to say she's the type of person who'd be like, she could have been stung 50 times.

Which, by the way, Jay, you got stung by three wasps. So when we were filming United States of America, we were in this old timey, like in Virginia. It's like Civil War house. No, no. It was Revolutionary Times. Revolutionary War. I'm sorry. Like John Adams old neighborhood.

And they're like back into this house. Then you guys are going to walk out and then you're going to do this opening stand up to the thing. And so I go all the way back by the wall and it feels like I just stood against like three or four pins, like put right into my back and I jump up. I'm like, ah, what the hell?

And then I see these wasps flying around and I come out and I got stung by three wasps. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. Three wasps. I think she's going to say she was stung 2000 times. Okay. I was stung at least 15 to 20 times. Here's the thing.

You guys weren't considering. She's down playing. She slept through the roof. She did. She's playing it very cool. Yeah. So it could have been 300 like Gabriel said. She said also there were bugs in the tree and they were getting into my ears and I was

trying to swap them. So she cannot get off this bed. She can't get the bugs remember now. I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody. Choice people share. So but the dumb part

is she could have gone downstairs with her husband. She tried to gauge her own path on this hurricane and decided she was on the mild side of it. It's fine. So it's kind of like you literally made this bed that you're now lying in. It's a hurricane of bees. Yes.

Well, she's very lucky, actually, that it wasn't the Wolverine tree in the end. Oh, my God. If that thing fell, thank God that's still standing. Yeah, but three times. Your arm is gone. fell. Thank God that's still standing. I got bit three times. Your arm is gone. By the way, there are squirrels up in

trees, up in the trees right by the side of my house. And like, I watched a squirrel, and it's not a flying squirrel, mind you, jump from our roof to the tree. It jumped about eight feet. I could not believe how far the squirrel jumped. If the squirrel tree came into our

house, we'd be fucked. Truly, if two squirrels are loose in your house, that's a disaster. A thousand bees and bugs in your ears? It's like Temple of Doom. Meanwhile, the husband's still downstairs just riffing bonks. Rosetta!

Rosetta, get down here! I love her name, Rosetta. Laying in a pile of fucking empty whipped cream container. Yeah, I hear nothing upstairs. Bring the vacuum cleaner down here. When you come, we got to have the room,

but so Kimbo's husband, Kimbro, whatever Rosetta's husband was helpless to pull her out. So he called nine one one, which means they tried in that sketch that comedy sketch of him walking into the room with the bees and the bugs and the roof and the branch. I'm singing like a children's song

the bees and the bugs and the roof and the branch and trying to pull her out unsuccessfully while she's being stung and attacked by bugs and can't open her eyes. I want that. I want that UCB sketch where they definitely have to clean the stage. Oh, yeah. As a married

man, I can tell you before he tried to rescue her was 20 minutes of Bruce. Get up. Just tell me what you want. I need you to come on. Just say what it like. I'm on the couch. I'll just call her

from downstairs. You didn't answer. you gotta have your phone by you honey he tries to keep they call 9-1-1 because he can't get her out that's when 25 of the mobile fire and rescue department raced through high winds and streets blocked with downed trees and power lines kimbrough said the rescue workers were there within minutes. Amazing. The crew quickly assessed the situation and managed to lift the debris off Kimbrough. What if they quickly assess the situation and said, sir,

you're going to have to find a new one. Right. We can't get her out either. Fire department. I think we got to burn her out from the inside. Too many bees in there, guys. We don't bees. We don't do.

You're right. They were. They assess the situation and the fire department managed to lift the debris off kimbrough while battling bee stings of their own oh my god other than those bee stings and a concussion kimbrough escaped serious injury she said she realized how close she came to a different outcome describing how the roof joist sailed right past her it was between my chest and my, which I think she means next to not literally between and embedded into the mattress, like impaled

the mattress. All she had to do is go downstairs with Bruce when he wanted to go downstairs. That's all she had to do. That's it. And the weirdest part is the bees made her their queen. Now she fucks drone bees.

She murders those hornets. or their queen. Now she fucks drone bees all day. Makes honey. She murders those hornets. She murders species nature. And I highly recommend this for people because I just watched this last night. My Octopus Teacher is such an unbelievable documentary. You saw it, obviously, Gabe. I watched it.

It's so funny. How beautiful is that thing? It's beautiful and it's so peaceful in a time when nothing is peaceful like it was such a nice breath it's on netflix it's on netflix it's a documentary about a guy i want to say he's australian or new zealand but south africa south africa that's right sorry yeah doesn't matter just kidding the other white weird accent yeah so he's south african that is right he He's African. And he is a filmmaker. And he, I don't want to give too much of it,

but he observes this octopus in a certain area. And it really is about his relationship with this octopus. So like you were saying, Gabrus, after watching that movie, she could be the queen. Yeah. Just to pile on selling my octopus teacher, I don't think it's a spoiler to say, this guy visits an octopus every day for like its entire lifespan, which I learned is only about a year.

About a year. Yeah, is how long octopuses, octopi live. I couldn't believe, just there's so much. I thought about it all night. I literally. All right, I'm in. Same. I love it.

My wife won't eat octopus anymore. I will not eat octopus anymore either. I will not eat it. I will not eat it anymore. After watching this, I'm like, I will not eat it anymore either. I will not eat it. I will not eat it anymore. After watching this, I'm like, I will not eat it anymore. All right, I'll check it out. You're a better man. It has not affected me that much. You're like, but if you try the octopus

down at Madeo... Nope. Nope. Nope. Pre-record callback. Might change your mind. Fire rescue captain dana tans with a z which is just waiting to open like their own that's a guy with the bushiest mustache ever dana tans said uh yeah i got a girl's name what's it to you could have or it's a girl who knows uh

could have just could the joist could have killed her one or two inches yeah the other way He said and she could have been impaled I mean now you're going to have to hear that From this woman for the rest of her life I could have died Well more likely the husband was like If I would have stayed in bed with you I would be dead So honey I have to have an affair now

Yeah I'm allowed to I'm legally gifted an affair This is why I was in a separate room. Honey, you were stuck up there. I moved on. I moved on. It's like cast away. Once I heard about the bees, I thought you were dead. Yeah, I was like, I made

peace with it. I immediately called your sister. He goes, you gotta go home. And she goes, I gotta go home. And then they're like, We both still live here. No one lives upstairs. Now a rescue like this is relatively unusual in mobile, perhaps one a month. That's not unusual. If you're doing this once a month in mobile, Alabama, bees and trees. Yeah,

really stretching the word relatively. Yeah, exactly. Relatively unusual during Hurricane Sally. However, rescue workers responded to four separate emergencies between 430 and 730 a.m. on Wednesday. Three of them were very similar, according to a department spokesman, Stephen Milhouse. Everything's coming up him. The wild part about it was that there were three instances within three hours, much like Rosetta Kimbrough. He said three women in their beds just trying to ride out the storm. So that song

it's R. A. S. T. Wagon in the storm out but how about that for the fall out three women full moon night in a rocky mountain winter. I think he's got you to how many three women alone in their beds.

All of them get their roofs collapsed. None of them were caring about this hurricane. And they all paid the price for it. But not enough because they're not dead. So again, I come back to our dumbass president. And I come back to that. If you don't listen to the experts, expect a bunch of...

You know what I mean? Yeah, you're going to get it. Expect a tree to fall on you and get bit by bees. If you don't respect nature, and if you don't respect science, and you don't respect the disease, it's going to come get you. It's coming to get you. Bugs in your ears, stung by bees.

Three women in their beds just trying to ride out the storm. Trees come down in their home. Roofs, joists, ceiling. He's literally tagging onto the conversation you were saying. All of it collapses on top of these women's beds. It's like Brody Stevens. Roos, joists, ceiling. He's literally tagging onto the conversation. That's right. Yeah, all of it. Who asked this guy on top of these like Brody Stevens, ruse joy ceiling. You got it on my bees. I've replaced

us often. Mobile, Alabama five one seven till I die. You got it added tans. That was a very unusual night. Now we train. We've trained for years for situations like that, but to have four in one night, it's very unusual, but

all outcomes were great. Rescue worker Josh Holtz no, no Z said the bees presented a unique challenge. I love that that they're sizing this up like it's American Ninja Warrior. Yeah, we've got a couple of guys who were allergic. So, of course, we kept them out. What about that fire

part? We could say they're like, who can go in here? And three dudes are like, no. Guess what? Now every fire department is going to have to have a beekeeper on staff. Sure. I love that moment when Ronnie has to go, hey, chief, you know how you always mock me for having all those allergies? Well, this is one of them.

I don't know what the heck is going on there. Oh, Ronnie, you fucking lazy bastard. Thomas J, son of a bitch. Everything. Everything. I really wasn't that frightened while it was going on because, like I said, most of my time we spent occupying, keeping the bees off me, said Rosetta. So she very quickly prioritized what she cared about.

She said, despite the adrenaline, she felt every single sting and said that that helped her keep the mind off the danger that she faced. The silver lining is the beast. The stinging helped keep me from the danger, which is really the relationship with my husband. It's like the scene in Top Secret. It's so brilliant where he's

in prison and he has a dream that he is running to go find out if like... That that is late for classes. And I missed the exams. It's like the finals, the finals are done. You missed it. You missed it.

And then he wakes back up and he's being whipped and he's like, oh, thank God. So good. She said, I wasn't frightened when it was going on, but once I got back home from the hospital, I looked in the room and saw the damage and I was horrified that's when you were horrified that's it that's story number one go downstairs

rosetta what is that though because there is that power of like in the moment you don't know it but then when you look at what happened to you when you got rear-ended or you look at what the car did to the you're like whoa i can't believe i didn't register that that was a big deal right i mean like this. How much is she going to blame the husband for not bringing her down there? You should have been more forceful. Yeah. He's going to hear about it for the rest of his fucking life.

Also, that's some shit that makes you second guess your decision. Like, you're like, well, hon, you go to the grocery store. And then you're like, well, fuck. What if? You're like Gwyneth in a real sliding doors situation. What if a bush full of hornets falls into her car? That's going to happen now.

That's our first story down the book. John Gabrus is with us. We're going to talk about what he's got going on right after the break. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Old People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We got John Gabrus. If you want to follow him on social media,

it's a highly recommend. Tell them how they can follow you. Is it at Gabrus? It's at Gabrus on all the forms, on all the forms, all the sites. Sites. Platforms. I'm sure in platforms. Yeah, they're all platforms.

They're all platforms, baby. Podcast stuff that you're doing. Please let people know how they can get in on it. I got my normal chat show podcast, High and Mighty. I have a movie podcast called Action Boys, which is a paid podcast, and it's not for everybody. But check it out. There's seven free episodes at actionboys.biz.

Ooh, I love that. Maybe that'll get you to join. And then also I have the Gino Lombardo show, which is a quote-unquote scripted podcast, season two airing now on Stitcher Premium. Use promo code GINO for one free month and then cancel and save yourself some money.

Yeah. I don't see any slice of that future money. So just listen because I'm proud of it. I don't make any extra money if you do. I appreciate that. And you just do such great stuff and I'm so happy that we have you on here. You money if you do. I appreciate that. You just do such great stuff and I'm so happy that we have you on here. You're one of our favorite guests to have on this show. We should mention our fans that live

down People Town on November 7th. Look, we know what's happening November 3rd, but we don't know what the outcome is and I'm going to guarantee you on November 7th, we probably won't either. You're either going to be really happy and you want to celebrate. You're going to be really pissed and you need a little bit of a break or you're going to be confused and we still need a break. So we know what you're doing.

November 7th, 630 West Coast time, 930 Eastern time. Live, dumb people, town, nowhere, comedy club, John Hamm and the band tennis. It is going to be an unbelievable show. Hell yeah. When this thing drops, I don't know when this will drop, but I think a week from Tuesday when it does, I can guarantee you that 400 tickets will have been sold for this thing already. Yeah, this is around like the 21st. So don't forget, too, leading up to that, you can go to

danielvankirk.com and play like camp games or jackbox games with me. It's a lot of fun, very limited. And then on the 30th, I'm doing a Halloween bingo night. Oh, my God. Costume party, extravaganza, hollowingo, thanks to Kyle Ayers. Go to danielvancurk.com for that stuff. Make sure you check out the

Sklar's daily podcast. Yeah, our daily podcast, Sklar Broke Country, the virus edition. And also, we have a YouTube page, Randy and I, called Sklar Broke Country. Check that out. Old cheap seats and everything. You want to do a story too? Let's do it. Here we go, friends. Sent in by Amy Redwance,

at Amy underscore Redwance. Love her. R-E-D-W-A-N-T-Z. Married in France. to do a story to let's do here we go friends sent in by amy red wants at amy underscore red wants love her r e d w a n t z married in france here we go gabrus you could play this guy and i would watch it i'd watch a whole season of this man k u tv from utah this

comes in although the link was nbc 25 news who knows it might be the same thing a utah man allegedly stole a truck. He said he needed to rendezvous with aliens, but felt bad for stealing it and returned it to 7-Eleven stores. There you go. He

stole it from 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven's really expanding. It's like we got trucks, Slurpees, salt and milk, whatever you need. Whatever you need. Kids, kids, the 7-Eleven truck is coming down the street. It must be Christmas. I do.

Hey, nah. Hey, nah. The 7-Eleven truck is back. I love when 7-Eleven, when 7-Eleven sells gas, I'm always like,

hey, stay in your lane, guys. You know what I mean? Like, whenever they get like out of, outside the thing,

I'm like, sure. They're selling records now. Are they really selling records? Yeah, it's amazing. That and Fabergé eggs. I'll take a super-sized Big Gulp, half Coke, half Diet Coke,

and I guess throw a gallon of unleaded in there. Yes. Count 11 and that Beck album. There's no better no, no. There's no better place. I think we talked about it on here before than our car wash,

the car wash over on Prospect in Vermont. The stuff that they sell in the car wash. So you let your car go and then you just kind of wait inside and you go into the store. And they sell, of course, like mats for your car and air freshener and stuff. Then they sell greeting cards then they

sell uh bongs then they sell chinese throwing stars so weapons and then they sell like italian loafers who is the person that is getting all their shopping done at this place honey i need some new dress shoes i gotta get some chinese throwing stars and a birthday card for your uncle larry is car our car washes the west coast answer to like bodegas because the car wash by me here in weho is very weird it's got like a sunglass rack a beeper stand like i don't it's like they got the owner of the car wash must be like a time traveling fucking klepto because the shit is from all over the world the sisterhood of the time traveling car wash owner be like a time-traveling fucking klepto because the shit is from all over the world. The sisterhood of the time-traveling car wash owner. So, well, anyway, this guy, I just love the process of being like...

Stole the truck. Yes, I need to rendezvous with aliens. How am I going to get there? I need a truck. Steals the truck, then feels bad about it and drives it back to 7-Eleven. So now he's going to get in trouble, obviously. But does he get points for bringing it back? That's my question.

Let's find out. Bryce Gerald Dixon, BJD. BJD. Bryce is such a Mormon name, by the way. It is a very Utah name. Is accused of theft of a vehicle and three attempts to escape from official custody after he returned a red pickup truck that he later told police he needed so that he could get to the... Now, I feel like this is supposed to be Colosseum, but seeing how cities, as you guys know,

change the pronunciation, I bet it's Colosseum. Probably Colosseum. I just have a feeling that it's Colosseum. Colosseum, yes. To get to Colosseum, to get on a flight with alien diplomats. Oh.

I think I'm on 40 milligrams of Colosseum a day for blood. Are you taking that still? All right. Yeah. Side effects may vary, Gabers. Be careful. Side effects may include stealing a truck from 7-Eleven. And remorse. Do you pick a truck? Do you have to like specifically think of what kind of truck you'd want

for an alien ambassadorship meeting? Yeah, like what's going to impress these guys? I can't pull up in this. Yeah, does he have a normal car? But he's like, I got to roll up in an F-350, bro, and it's got to be cherry red, bro. It's got to look good. I can't go up in my Nova. According to court documents. Also, I love

the specificity that it's diplomats, not just aliens. You guys don't understand. I'm meeting with the people in charge. These are the buyers and sellers. Not some fucking schmuck couple of twin podcasting hosting aliens. No. These are real powerful diplomats. These are, they represent.

They're in the alien consulate. What do you not understand? I'm pitching my show to the decision makers. I need a good truck. Also the idea that it's like, and look, I'm not, the diplomats asked for me, this guy who has a carless Utah freak. What if I roll up there and I'm not in this red truck, huh?

What's going to happen then? They said, get me the most powerful American. And I am responding to that call. Price. It is me. Price. According to court documents, Dixon intended to drive the truck all the way to to maybe it is Coliseum. Maybe it's Coliseum, but

because here they say the Coliseum. It's a type of other, but felt bad for stealing it. So he returned to the seven. I wish I could have heard that in her monologue. You're going to get there and then they're going to say nice truck and they're going to know it's not yours. Then you started out this diplomat meeting. I should go back. I should

definitely go. No, I'm going to go. I don't want to be late. I should go back. I should definitely go back. No, no, no. I'm going to go. I don't want to be late. I'm going to go. If I'm late, what's worse? Being late or late? In case you decide to return the truck.

This is why I plan to be early. All right. I'm going to go back. I'm going to go back. I'm going to go back. He calls his estranged brother. What do you want, Bryce? Just a quick piece of advice.

Would diplomats be let down to me if I showed up in a stolen truck? Which is worse? Showing up in a stolen truck or being late? He's like being late. He's like shit. All right, I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back. So he intended

to drive the truck all the way to the Coliseum, but felt bad for stealing it. So he returned to the 7-Eleven that he took it from to give it back. The truck had been reported, had already been reported stolen by the owner who left his truck unlocked with the keys inside while he stopped into the store. Now, okay, he had to stop into 7-Eleven to grab beef jerky to bring to a different alien meeting. Yeah, I don't want a victim blame here, although we will always take the opportunity to do it and

dumb people tell me because sometimes it applies if you leave your keys in in your car and it's running i don't care where i don't want your car to get stolen but there is a certain part on you that it has to be like be smarter than that especially at a 7-eleven at a 7-eleven fights and thieves are waiting at 7-eleven police and thieves and high school kids asking for beer hey mister hey mister did you guys ever do the hey mister yeah we did oh yeah did it work no no we got it a bunch of we it's the only time where you're a child and you're profiling adults it's rare in life where you're like the other racially and you're like looking at a kid you're like you're looking at a guy like this guy is a scumbag and you're like i can't wait he's definitely gonna buy beer or the trick was to get 23 year old kids like yeah those kids

who were like were just in your shoes like five years ago yeah they can help you this guy's got a sliding moral scale there's slow there's simple things that someone could say to you on their way into the 7-eleven that would allow you to think maybe like if if if somebody walks by and it's you and to your guy friends or whatever and they just go boys and you're like hello, you leave a look if somebody's like you guys, you guys having a wild night. You're like

not yet trouble. You guys having a wild night is followed by the three of you going, you ask him. You ask him. 100%. You ask him. 100%.

Bro, you have a mustache. Well, dude, I know, but I think that's my dad's friend from work. Everyone has their own reason why they can't do it. I'm trying to get into the police academy in five years. I'm the one who said hi to him, so it's your turn. And the guy's like, ask me what? And you're like, here we go. Ask him.

Do it. He opened the door. If we give you $78 in mostly singles, will you give us two 12-packs of Steel Reserve? Yeah, pal. I got you. Get your case in Milwaukee's best, and I get to keep the rest. All right, fine. Yeah.

So anyway, I could talk about 7-Elevens all night, especially that economy. Okay. So anyway, he returns it. The guy already called in, stole it, said it was stolen. I hope he admitted that he's partly to blame for it. Police responded and investigated and when an officer arrived at the convenience store, he was met by the truck's owner who said

who said the man suspected of taking it returned it. So everything has happened before the cops even get there. Cops show up and they're like, where's the truck? Is this the truck? I thought it was stolen. He already returned it. Cops just show up opening fire on the 7-Eleven.

It's like, hey guys, we actually already solved it. They said he returned it and he was currently running from the location. So this guy's like, my truck's back. But there he goes. There he goes. See that little head bobbing over there? That's the location. So this guy's like my truck's back, but there he goes. There he goes. See that little head bobbing over there? That's the guy. The officer used his radio and another officer took the suspect into custody. The suspect

was taken to a hospital for an injury sustained when the truck owner allegedly punched him in the face. So it means he brings back the truck and the guy goes you got my truck. Yeah, what punches him right in the face. I got something for you. I love that idea. He's like, sir, I brought you back your truck. The alien diplomats can wait.

I apologize. The guy decks him. He's like, I brought it back. And now he's going to have to explain that to the alien diplomats at the meeting. A quick call to my brother. Hey, is it better to have a black eye to be late or to have a truck?

All three are fucked right now. What am I going to do? What's the least? What's in hospital care? Police said that Bryce Gerald Dixon tried to slip past officers three times. He's got to get to this meeting and no one understands. You don't understand. It's not a meeting that he can zoom into.

It's life and death. Yes. Honestly, how many movies have we seen in our lifetime from the point of view of this Bryce guy? The cops are like, what are you talking about, bro? And you're like, no, no, you actually have to listen to him. You're like watching from home. Yes, we've

always seen it from that perspective. We're rooting for him to get out and he's three times. He tried three times. He's three times. He tried three times. He failed there. Dixon allegedly apologized to police and told them aliens needed him to get to the Coliseum. This is a very Boogie Nights, Mark Wahlberg. By the way, those might...

You give me the tapes. I go get the money. I bring you... What do you guys not understand about this? It's my favorite Russell Brand movie. Cut the three aliens. Get him to the Coliseum. No, exactly.

Get him to the Coliseum. Cut the three aliens looking at their watches and tapping their tentacles. Yeah, this is why we don't do here by now. This is why I took and one of the others is like guys. He like he he brokered the whole meetings like I thought Bryce was good. Literally like I looked at a lot of people. I thought it was good

and the other ones like well, I bet he rolls up here in a stolen red truck and they all look at each other and they all crack up. That's how it happened. The alien went and called was like don't bring the truck turn around go take the truck back and then one then one alien's like i told you to say 9 30 when you want him to be there at 10 that's right one thing about you gotta say a half hour ahead of time he was booked into the utah county jail on suspicion of theft of a motor vehicle and uh suspicion of theft i think he stole that truck he's like bro i admitted to it and gave the

keys so what do you so what is that charge you know what i mean like it's joyriding right it's like that's what i heard was like back in the day if you return the car like when we were kids would be like if we steal this car you have to just return it and you're joyriding is the worst that can happen that's right so that's not killing someone else or aliens missing a big meeting any of these other terrifying things that could happen. They gave no aid for Bryce Gerald Dixon, so we can't play it. But yeah, that's the man who stole a car. Story number two.

Can you give us a taste of what we're going to hear in story three, Dan? A wonderfully dumb, harmless story from Illinois. All right. I love it. John Gabrus is with us. Stay at Dunumb People Town. I don't know what that means. Stick around.

Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right. So something fun that we love to do for all of our Patreon people at any level, whether you're $5 all the way up, you get to get your name shouted out. We've done these a lot in the past we're going back through we want to make sure you might have heard your name for a second time but that's only because you're twice as loved we love you it doesn't matter let's get some people who support us that we love before we get back to the show yeah although we're still in the show that's right here Here we go. Laura. What would you say? G-E-Y-E-R. Geyer? Geyer. Geyer.

Geyer. Laura Geyer. Tomb Raider. Ben Potter. I love a name that you can't mess up. I love a name that... What if he's like, it's actually Potter. And you're like, damn, I do. And I'd put that on him. He's next door to Gryffindor. Jake Magnuson. We know Jake. Jake Magnuson.

Kelsey Walker. Kelsey Walker. Yeah, well, our dad's a ranger Chris Ellison Thank you Chris Ellison Thank you Chris Seth G No relation to Mick Yeah is it G-E-E

No Just G Seth G The original G Daniel Helody I love that That sounds like a character In like a 1950s

Adventure book Or it's like a tightened way To say hello m'lady Cynthia Barlow Thank you Cynthia Thank you, Cynthia. Alexander Vianna. Yeah. You know this dude.

He's from Northern Illinois. He came to my show in Rochelle. Alexander Vianna. And I invited him to the friends and family after party. He got to see full on Rochelle. Vianna sounds like a type of chicken. I'll have the Vianna chicken. Or the sausages.

The Vianna sausages. Easy on the pork sauce. Nicole Blosky. She sounds like a girl that someone in Chicago went to high school with and she watched the fight. Her dad's a cop. Yes, 100%. Her dad's Fred Blosky. Lieutenant Blosky. Clint Johnson. Clint. Frazier Robinson.

I don't know which is the last name. Help me out. Frazier Robinson. Backwards, forwards. Kevin Suchy. Would that be S-U-C-H-E-Y or Sucky? Suchy. Robinson forward Kevin Suchy would that be s u c h u i or sucky Suchy so I would go Suchy Suchy here's a friend of ours Lacey Applegate Tulsa we love you girl Kelsey E Ingram Kelsey Ingram uh and it just says here a week late podcast we saw them they were at the last live show with the post show hang we got this dude is so awesome. He gives us so much love on Twitter. Love it, brother. You ready for this name?

Yeah. I could do a bit. Can we do a whole new thing on this? Who is it? Rush. R-U-S-C-H. Rosenberger. Rush Rosenberger. The third. Played offensive line with a walk-on at Notre Dame. 6'5", 490.

Rosenberger. Left tackle. NES Jumpman, who's been around since the day. NES Jumpman is our Madison man. Our guy up in Madison. I love you, brother. Here's a dude I love. He comes to all the game nights. He was at one of our pre-report show hangs. Dan Ford. Dan Ford's a great dude. What's up, buddy? Dan Ford. Dan Ford Chevrolet.

I can't believe it. Dan Ford. Why does he have a Chevrolet? That is great. Dan Ford Chevrolet. Fresh Poetic. I can't believe it. Dan Ford. Why does he have a Chevrolet? That is great. Dan Ford Chevrolet. Yes, please. Fresh Poetic. I've seen that one too. So good. Kendra Pelkey. Hi, Kendra.

Thank you. We've done this. We've talked to this person before. Is it Gemma LaJoy? Yeah. G-E-M-M-A. Gemma. Gemma.

Great name. L-A-J-O-I-E. LaJoy. LaJoy. LaJoy. Gemma. Gemma. Great name. L-A-J-O-I-E. Lejoie. Lejoie. Lejoie. That's a last name with two consonants and four vowels. That's a last name that is a booby trap for Daniel Van Kirk to get through. This one I love. Just Marshall.

Eric File. Eric File called the cops. By the way, I'm an Eric. I love Eric so much that I consider myself to be an Eric File. That's good. Michael Cucuzza. I love Eric so much that I consider myself to be an Eric file. That's good. Anglophile. Audio file. Michael Cucuzza.

Yeah. That's a name. He only goes by his last name. Cucuz. The change. Right? When he shows up. Cucuz.

They're not booing. Cucuz just showed up. Where's Cucuz? He went to the breakup, so I don't know if he's coming back. Well, he went through a transformation when he went into the Cucuzza. There you go. He came out. A different Michael.

Here's someone we're going to camp on her lawn. Sarah Dune. Sarah Dunn. Is it a Dunn or Dune? I say Dunn. I say Dunn. Oh, you've done it again, Sarah. Lane Woodruff. I love a good Lane name. Lane Woodruff Chevrolet. Lane Woodruff Chevrolet.

And at the end, he says, stay in your lane. Lane Woodruff Siding. Lane Woodruff For a hole in your lane. Lane, wood, roof, siding. Lane, wood, roof, aluminum siding. For a hole in your roof, for a whole new roof. Did it, did it, did it. Lane, wood, roof, siding. I don't know. I tried.

Alyssa Gaffin. Alyssa Gaffin. Gaffin. Not Gaffigan. No, Gaffin. She's straight Gaffin. She's new boot Gaffin. She's straight Gaffin.

Edward Booth. Boin. Edward Booth. You've been with us for a long time. You are a founding mother and father of this whole deal. Thank you. Thank you. George Aiden Foster. Thank you. Sounds like a novelist. Brandon Noonan. Been around forever. Matthew Wendorf. I love Matt Wendorf.

He's come to the game nights. He's hung out with me. He's hanging it, like, watching the Blackhawks and living in Milwaukee. Great dude. Michael Graves. Thank you, Michael Graves. We have a Graves situation here. And then, let's see, Mike Wofford. I don't know what that.

And then, how do I say this? Aqabraham Whedon. That's another one. I don't know that. I know. I tried. I give my best. Eddie, I like it too. And people just like that. That's another one. I don't know that. I know. I tried. I give my best. Eddie, I like it too.

And people just like that. Just keep it simple. I love it. Typical malfeasance. What does that mean? I don't know, but I love it. Typical malfeasance is like the criminal mischief of criminal mischief. We just got a couple more.

Josh Coe. This is K-E-O-U-E-H. Thank you, Josh. Kim Fritz. How much do we love our Kim Fritz? Fritzy dog. Our Fritzy dog. Kate Rosen. Thank you, Kate. Thanks, Kate. How much do we love our Kim Fritz? Kate Rosen. Thank you,

Kate. Signing off. She signs off from a weather report. Buckley Wilkinson. Dude, I want my kids to get into Buckley Wilkinson. Civil War hero, Buckley Wilkinson. And I want my kids to get into Buckley Wilkinson University. And last but not least, our friend Chris Lund, who is a true

local. Chris Lund, love you, buddy. Those are just some of the people. We're going to run through all the names. If you heard it before, you got to hear it again. This is one of the joys of being in our... We really do thank each and every one of you for your support. And now let's get back to the show. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Final segment. Daniel, take us home, buddy.

Let's do it. Here we go. Ready? Man has kept Richard Nixon's half-eaten sandwich for 60 years sent in by steven bergen at steven bergen ph and that steven an illinois man celebrated an unusual milestone and his i think it's the part thrice divorced man lonely as hell man and and there's a little like slogan over the sandwich that says i am not a cook yes that's great that's so good and by the way how many times in his relationships have his like ex-girlfriends ex-wives said to him it's the sandwich or me and he's still got the sandwich

right right we know what he chose well one of you was here first an illinois man celebrated an unusual milestone tuesday and one of you smells like tuna i cannot do this holding on to an old sandwich that former president richard nixon once chowed down on steve jenny from the small town of sullivan i know sullivan of course you do was a 14 year old boy scout when the vice president made a campaign stop to jenny's hometown on september 22nd 1960 this is when he's the vice president, not the president. Right. Ahead of the speech at Wyman Park, Nixon was served a barbecue buffalo sandwich on a paper plate during a cookout when he was finished.

Jeannie snatched up the leftovers. Oh, God. He took a couple of bites and commented on how tasty, how good it was. Jenny, whose Boy Scout troop was asked to serve as honor guard during the Nixon, by the way, which means he hated it. If he likes it, he doesn't say anything and he eats the whole sandwich, right? Yeah, Nixon.

By the way, Nixon had the Boy Scout troop open fire on college. He's consistent for my honor guard. Come on. We blows. We blow this thing up. Take out those dirty hippies.

What are you guys? I'm not what are you? Fourteen. You'll be there in about four years. You guys want some death patches. I looked around and I thought if no one else was going to. Well,

let me say this. Once he left, I looked down at the picnic table and everybody else was gone. And that half eaten sandwich was still on the paper plate. How do you prove that? That's it. You cannot authenticate that. That's all you need to know.

I feel like you talked to Jenny for 30 seconds. You know that he's been on antique road show and he'll go again, whether they wanted him on there. I'm going to tell you guys, that's another thing I've resorted to because I can't go to Vegas. I think I mentioned this. I bet on the appraisal rates of things on antique road show. I'm going to tell you guys that's another thing I've resorted to because I can't go to Vegas. I think I mentioned this. I bet on the appraisal rates of things on Antique Roadshow. Can you do that?

In my heart, yes. I was going to say, is there a thing? How are you doing? Watching the background, people walking around the background who don't have something that's good enough to make it to TV, but they have a bright green button-up shirt on, like you a little bit. Only yours is nice. There's is like ridiculous picnic ready.

Yeah, sure. I love watching anti-growth show. Okay, here we go. He says once he left, I looked down. Everybody else was gone and sandwich was still there. I looked around and thought if no one else is going to take it, I'm going to take it. No one else wants.

No one else was. If no one else is going to take this garbage, I might as well. No one else is going to take this thing that should be thrown away. else is going to take this thing that's supposed that should be thrown away i guess i will that's not a there's not an either or also this was written up in the herald and review and it made it to the new york post.com how many years do you think he's been asking someone to do a story about please i've got a sandwich right i've got half a sandwich well you also got half a story there because no one cares and i'll also tell you, there's absolutely no

proof. It's not like there's a picture of Nixon handing. It's not like, oh, it's the famous sandwich that so-and-so was eating in this famous... It's just like, yeah, I have a piece of folded paper here from Richard Nixon. Is that the Nixon paper? There's no certificate of authenticity for something

like this. Here's what I love. Although you could, you could. I mean, we've gotten a lot better with DNA testing. I suppose. You could DNA test that sandwich to see if it, because I'm assuming they have Nixon blood and Nixon DNA somewhere. Of course. With Nixon's half-eaten sandwich in tow, Jenny

hopped on his bike and sped home to show his mom his new unique souvenir. I ran in the door and said, Mom, I got the sandwich that Nixon took a couple of bites out of, and she was surprised and said, What do you want me to do with it? Freeze it, he told his mom. Freeze it, bitch.

What do you want me to do with it? Can be read in so many different ways. She holds it over the garbage. What do you want me to do with it? That's such a mom answer. Well, What do you want me to do with it? That's such a mom answer. Well, what do you want me to do with this? If the emphasis is on me, she's mad.

What do you want me to do with it? Right. Stevie Jenny's mother in her infinite wisdom then wrapped the sandwich in a plastic bag and put it inside a muscleman's applesauce jar and stuck it in the freezer. And that's where it still is today said stevie jenny who now lives

in springfield still lives in his parents ever since jenny has ever since jenny has kept the nixon eaton sandwich frozen and it once earned him a guest appearance on the fucking tonight show johnny carson had him on in 1988 that is bizarre

huge sandwich here. Here's a guy that makes Ed seem like he's interesting. Half a sandwich for a man who only served half a turn. Is there enough room in there for your heartbreak? That is wild. Jenny even published a book this year

called The Sandwich That Changed My Life. Subtitle and No One Else's. That's's right self-published as long as i am living that sandwich will be stored in a freezer and the container that is labeled save don't throw away he should definitely be buried with that sandwich oh he is no jay he should eat it as his last meal yes that's the fucking move dude that is real how do you not eat that if on your way out of this fucking because i mean if you're gonna die that if you're about to die anyone so he literally can't get into a relationship with anyone because you know

if if he gets into a relationship with a woman you know he's gonna be like throw it out no no no he's gonna bring it up of course that's what he thinks this is pro move to get this woman then if they get into any fight whatsoever she's gonna wait till he goes to sleep she's gonna take it out oh my god this is my this is my feeling about rat tails you give people too much power someone could come cut that rat tail off and you just lost seven years that's that's what happened to samson and Delilah. Yeah. You get too close to someone you can't trust. Right. That's his thing.

You know what he would have to do? The sandwich makes it impossible for him to trust people. It's a wall. He's like, I've had it bite tested

by the FBI. It's definitely Nixon. They use Nixon's teeth approximations. The teeth marks are there. They made a cast of the teeth. Honey, where's my Nixon sandwich?

Where's my Nixon sandwich? Where's my Nixon sandwich? I just moved it I put it behind You don't move it You don't move it Oh my God What a great story

I love it Beautiful So again Check out all the podcasts Gaber says Going on one more time Let people know So that people can

Check out High and Mighty Wherever you get podcasts. Start with the Dan. Start with the Dan. Start with the Dan episode. That's a great way in. Or start with the forthcoming Sklar Brothers episode. We have to do it. I can't wait to do it. We still got to have my episode on to talk cabins where I will

just get very high and mighty about cabins. I love it. There's so much that we can talk about. I'd like to talk about my half-eaten Gerald Ford sandwich. Shut up. I don't have... You're the best. Thank's so much that we can talk about. I'd like to talk about my half-eaten Gerald Ford sandwich. Shut up. I don't have it. Dude, you're awesome. You're the best. Thank you so much for doing this.

We always love having you on Open Invite. Oh, shit, please. Thanks for having me, guys. We've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb