Dumb People Town - Jon Glaser & Eliza Skinner - You Do The Meth! - Live from Moontower

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

Live from the Moontower Comedy Festival, we start off with some Flatos! Then Jon Glaser and Eliza Skinner join the show and we dive into Story 1, which involves a reckless scooter driver and an out of control dog. Steve Agee joins in for a game of Guess The Agee! In Story 2, we have a nasty case of eye-bees! Then we hear some Townie stories, including: a fight between a German and a horse, a naked man chase, a Greenlee about a garbage artist, and a cake/vacuum theft at a Dairy Queen!

Star Bands Avenue, a podcast network. Ladies and gentlemen, are we ready? Get excited for Dumb People Town! Dan and Brandon J. will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And don't be a jerk Don't sweat the music Just the funny hits And we are gonna take you down Hey guys, welcome to another live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population U. Moontower, you guys having fun so far? You know what? I'm going to go make sure

I forgot to turn on the recording device So I'm going to make sure that's happening Meanwhile, can I just get a little more echo in this room? I need it to sound like I'm talking in a conch shell Is that possible? Comedy is great when you hear it the second time it comes out So Dan, are we good? We're all good? Dan

Dan Van Kirk, everybody Dan Dan's father may have left him when he was young But his sense of humor never did Dan Van Kirk, everyone Dan Van Kirk He left? He left, Dan, I'm sorry

He's coming back All right Sure he is. So we believe that the world is getting dumber. Do you guys agree with us? Yeah. Good. So our only way to fight back is through comedy and whatnot and breaking down stories.

We like to start everything off, though, as is our customary thing in live shows, with our spirit animal, the man, the myth, the legend, Jan Flato. Do we have his picture up there? Go to that side for me the myth, the legend, Jan Flato. Do we have his picture up there? Go to that side for me. Alright, there's Jan Flato. Look at him. Do you think

on the other side of that there's a fan just blowing his mullet back that way? I feel like he's got three pet alligators right in front of him right there. Those are regular glasses. They'll never transition. All right, so we like to start out

because, you know, we know a lot about Jan Plato, but we're learning more about the man. There are some truisms about Jan Plato that we learn every single time we do a live show. And so we thought we'd just toss these out here to you. I don't know if you guys know this, but Jan Plato has worn Tevas to a funeral.

The profile for Jan Flato's Tinder says, I'm your beast and burden. Very good. Jan Flato's almost always out of baby oil. Okay. Jan Flato has one world sky elite status on Spirit Air. Jan Flato has never won a game of Words with Friends. Never.

Jan Flato likes to say that the Russians are meddling in his erections. And they're going to do it again in 2020. That's all I'm going to say Twice Jan Flato has stolen a starfish From SeaWorld Jan Flato and his dry cleaner Has what he calls

A secret handshake Jan Flato has witnessed the birth Of three children, none of them were his Jan Flato's zod the birth of three children. None of them were his. Jan Flato's zodiac sign is feces. Okay. It's not true. Jan Flato has an issue with Austin because he feels like he's the only one

who's truly been keeping it weird. Jan Flato has on several occasions brought his own blanket to a movie theater. Jan Flato kneels during Oh Canada. Jan Flato just told you the just, let me try it again. Can I take it again? Yeah, take it again.

Jan Flato just ruined Endgame for you. Jan Flato likes to tell people that he's unofficially sponsored by Under Armour. Jan Flato says he likes his hair like he likes his women. Split ends. No. I don't know what that means. Jan Flato owns seven degeredus, two c-dos,

but he's never heard from a woman the words I do. Oh. All right. Jan Flato is always waiting for scrunchies to come back. Jan Flato likes to say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're probably my girlfriend. Jan Flato jerked off to the Jetsons. Jan Flato's business cards say freelance gynecologist on them.

Jan Flato currently has a special on CISO. Makes sense. Jan Flato once complained to his local pet store about what he referred to as overtly sexual ambient lighting. Jan Flato bites his toenails. Jan Flato will offer to drive your nephew to jujitsu, if you know what he means.

Jan Flato will give you the first punch and then instantly drop kick you. Jan Flato has a restraining order from his dentist Jan Flato has been asked to leave his local Starbucks for reading Huck Finn aloud In 1988 Jan Flato broke into Fenway Park at 3 in the morning to do the wave by himself There we go Jan Jim Flayton, our spirit animal. We can hit that slide, my man.

Okay, so we always, we love to do this show with our hilarious and funny friends, and today we've got a couple of great friends who are here to do this. They are fantastic improvisers. They've both done the show before, have not done it live, so we're going to bring them out right now. Let's just bring them right on down. Our good

friends Eliza Skinner and John Glazer! John Glazer, who was... John is the one wearing the hat. Yeah, just letting you know. What if you guys were a comedy team, Glazer and Skinner? Sounds good. All right, fine. We'll fix your windows and fuck up your pets.

Yeah. As a comedy team? Well, no, I mean, Skinner, Glazer. Yeah. I was going to say, I was going to make a pottery joke. All right. There's always time for a good pottery joke. There's always time for a good pottery joke.

Leave that one in the kiln, Rand. We'll get to that one in a minute. And the Sklar brothers. The amount of times Glazer Just gonna be shaking his head Not having any of it Not having any of it We told these guys about Jan Flato Do you like a little Jan Flato in your life?

The only thing I knew about him was that Jan Flato still can never live up to his childhood Next door neighbor, Gene Frito Fuck you Gene Frito Gets calls from his parents Gene Frito. Fuck you, Frito. Gets calls from his parents. You know, Gene Frito's a lawyer now. Oh. Gene Frito has two Corvettes.

Why does he need two Corvettes? He puts one on top of the other. Drives around town like an asshole. Gene Frito invented white strips. What have you done? Exactly. Well, we do believe that the world is getting dumber. I'm so happy you guys are here.

Have you had a good time at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival so far? Yeah, it's been great. Have you seen any dumb, drunk shit out on the streets of Austin? I saw a dude walk past me last night wearing two live snakes, and I'm so upset that I didn't get to meet either one. Just the snakes, though. Oh, now I want to talk to the dude. No, he's a weirdo.

Two Live Snakes sounds like a Two Live crew cover band where they wear snakes. I like big boas and I can't... Alright, I'll stop. Oh, me so corny. There we go. Sir J's

Sir Mix-Em-Up. Yay-ho-ho-ho. That's, that was good. Thank you very much. So do we have a, John and... I saw a snake wearing two live dudes. No! Oh, your guy should meet my guy.

That was weird. And you only wanted to talk to the dudes, not that weird fucking snake. What's going on? And they just looked scared. Hey, the dudes were just conversation starters for the snake, right? Keeps slipping off his shoulders

because he's a snake. You don't even have him. They were big guys, too. Strong snake. Strong snake, yeah. And broad shoulders for a snake, which is great. that means he ate something so let's Dan

should we hop into a story yeah you guys ready to jump into a story right I think we should I think we should let's jump right in Dan this first story we'll have a little fun trivia question about it but I I was sent this story the day it broke

on April 11th, and I've been still getting this story sent to me as recently as this afternoon. And we'll never forget where we were on 4-11. I feel like, right, guys? When this story came in, when this story broke, it changed everything.

It changed how we travel, guys. I believe, to the best of my ability sorry if i'm wrong i'm just a person trying that the first person to send this to me was emerson at tall underscore man 1977 which i hope is a title he won in 1977 how you doing tall man 1977 either he's been shrinking ever since or everyone's caught up to him. He's not the world's tallest man. He's just a tall man. A tall man.

A tall man. Alright, ready? What started as a routine theft call and you know it's never that if it ends up on this show. Yep. What started as a routine theft call for police at the Eau Claire. How do you guys like to say it? Eau Claire. I go ewe. I like a good ewe. Eau Claire. But for police at the Eau Claire how do you guys like to say it?

I go Eau, I like a good Eau but I think it's Eau Claire Eau Claire I think John's right what started for a routine theft call for police at the Eau Claire Walmart turned out not to be routine at all

wait a minute I hope that's how they radioed it in. Hey, Dave, this is not routine at all. Tom, it started routine. Well, we have crossed over. Oh, no. Well, the Eau Claire,

the 911 dispatchers, that's how they answer. They go, 911, routine or not routine? It's routine right now. It's routine right now it's routine right now I'll connect you it just switched to not routine I'm so sorry you're going to have to hang up and call back again because I've already started this form

rip up the paperwork rip it up yeah dial 9-1-1 pound and then R turned out not to be routine at all in the end I love when it's so fucking crazy, they give you a summation because that isn't even where it's going to end up. In the end, a woman

was doing a demo in the parking lot. A man was reckless on a scooter while their dog destroyed the store. What a tease. That's like a modern day a team right there that's just bonnie and clyde with a dog yes exactly like an untrained dog like they've been robbing so many banks they haven't had time to train the dog uh just on that sentence

and according to our friend at gentleman joe love you Joe, and this is what he told me on Twitter. In the first two and a half days, just based on that sentence, how many times do you guys think I was sent this story? Oh, wow. Just because that checks off so many dumb people, Tom. You're in Wisconsin. That's 80% of the way right there. You're at a Walmart. I mean, that's like church for dumb people, Tom.

Yeah. You've got a dog running around the store, a woman doing a demo in a parking lot, and a man who is reckless on a scooter. How many times? What is doing a demo? What is a demo? Is she demoing is when you like break something down in a kitchen?

Oh, demolition. Or is she doing a demonstration? Like what? I bet we find out. Okay. Yeah. So you are our guests. You can go first,

Tig, third, fourth, whatever you want to do. And you can tell me how many times you think I was sent that story. I will tell you this. It is not more than,

let's fair, 350. It is not more than 350. Good to know because I was going to go higher. Okay. Do you want to go first? Where do you want to go? Sure. Okay. 349.

349. I'm going to tell you, John, we don't know each other super well. We've known each other for a while. That is some shit I would pull. That is definitely... Solid. That's solid. I just right there understood the joy of being a contestant on The Price is Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Feels good, right? It'd be fun. Feels good to slide right under it, doesn't it? I'm going to do $1. No, no, no. You remember this. It's not under. It's just closest straight up. Closest to it, straight up. You can be over.

Either way. Can I side note before you guess? How many people have listened to Eliza's episode with the frog cake? if you have not you have something else to do tonight yeah if you were gold make it sound like i made the frog cake i know you made it fucking hilarious made it great again um i'm gonna uh yeah uh i'm gonna stick with one you are fine i'm gonna say uh 246 246 okay 112 times 112 times now would any townies if it's under what any townies like to play along put your hand in the air let's do two people let's do two people does anybody want to make a guess out there at all okay right here gentlemen with the beard i believe what's your name hi sy what is your guess 125 why are you boxing me inside what the fuck man and then

a couple down for you another person had their hand up second I think is that a gentleman right here no yeah with a hat on yep what's your name eight Chris you're going 84 okay okay good year Tigers World Tigers 84 Chicago Cubs Chicago Willie Hernandez. Chicago Cubs, 84. Chicago Cubs, 84. Okay. In the first two and a half days, according to at Gentleman Joe, this story was sent to me.

What did you guess? 349. 349. One. One. 246. 246. 112.

12. 84. And 125. Okay. This story was sent to me 93 times. Oh!

I won! I won! No, you didn't win. On the stage. No, I won. Let me do the whole song. No. Isn't there a Price is Right game where you try to get a guy up to the top of a cliff so he commits suicide?

Only, only, only, only, only. And you kill him. You win the game if you kill the man. Okay. But Mortal Kombat's bad. Okay, Eau Claire police say they were called to the Walmart around 8.30 Wednesday night.

That is prime time Walmart shit. Oh, yeah. It's still open, 8.30. For a retail theft, that was happening. Again, I hope that's part of the call. It's happening now. Stop him. No, I can't.

I can't. It's just happening. Call it in. Police were told a woman and her dog were shoplifting from the store. The dog. The dog. That's throwing your pet under the bus. Or that is the best trained pet ever.

Or it's throwing your owner under the bus. Or. She's just there. The dog's there to steal it. Or. Who's a good woman? That's the greatest fucking service animal of all time. Oh, yeah.

That's not only an emotional support animal. That's your greatest fucking service animal of all time. Oh, yeah. That's not only an emotional support animal, that's your support animal. I mean, it's not even the worst dog. I mean, Son of Sam was the dog that was telling someone to murder people. Maybe this dog was just telling this woman to steal shit. Could be. Go get them.

When police arrived, they found the woman, Lisa Smith, screaming. That's not her name. That's not her real name. That's a made-up improv's a made up improv name. Bullshit improv name. By the way, we knew growing up two separate

Lisa Smiths. And I'm going to guess this one is the most fun. She's better with pets. That's for sure. They found the woman, Lisa Smith, screaming in the entryway and trying to catch her dog, Bo. Police, you can

almost hear her voice. Spelled the same way as O in Eau Claire. Bo Claire. Bo Claire. I'd buy that t-shirt. What? I'd buy that Bo Claire t-shirt. Just a dog just going crazy in a Walmart on a map of Minnesota. But it's like a bad dog. But Minnesota. Like a dog just going crazy in a Walmart on a map of Minnesota.

But it's like a bad dog. But Minnesota. Like a Tasmanian devil style. But it's a map of Minnesota for the t-shirt. Even though it's Wisconsin, it is a map of Minnesota. That's right. Lisa Smith screaming in the entryway trying to catch her dog Bo. Just on that sentence, I have two things.

She's holding an oxygen tank. And you can hear the emphysema. Oh! By the way, the wheeze between screams is my favorite live song. Wheeze between screams? The wheeze between... Well, I'll tell you right now,

already I've got a theory that there is a second dog involved. That is very quietly. Hang on a second. Boom! Boom! That's all over here. There's a crazy dog

and then quiet dogs over here stealing it. Just slipping stuff in his pockets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, that is a two-dog job. No doubt about it. I don't think I've ever seen one. No doubt about it. It's a dog Dougspiracy.

Police at this time also learned that Lisa Smith's son, Benny Van, and I'm so glad it stops there. Is it Benny Van or Ben-y Van? I know. No, he did not sing Stand By Me. It is Benny, B-E-N-N-Y, B-a-n-n oh she named him after what he was conceived in it's so nice okay straight fire benny van which now leads more to the idea that her name's fake right yeah but of course i mean benny van benny van sm. Right. Okay, they learned at that time that Benny Van was in the store causing problems. It was a two-dog job.

Thank you, John, for saying something. I mean, this is my thing. I think people are bringing dogs to too many places now. Like, isn't that like, you can't be like at the dentist and someone's got their fucking dog there. It's like, relax. You can't bring your dog inside of everything. That's just me. I'm sorry. I said it.

I said it. It's too distracting. Hey, I just want to give a shout out to the crew here who were so nice to bring a soapbox for Jason. I'm glad you guys placed that. If you can't handle the opinions, get the placed that if you can't handle the opinions get the fuck or actually we can't handle the opinions get the fuck out of the two dog walmart officers learned that lisa smith went into the walmart with her unleashed dog while beau ran up to customers

smith started erratically pulling apart store displays and putting them in her cart go pet him go pet him over there. Go pet him. You realize, you know, it's like he's also growling at people and she's like one of those people who's like, he's fine. He's fine. Just don't look at him in the eye, but he'll be fine. She's pulling apart displays.

So she's like tearing the head off of the Kathy Ireland cardboard cutout. Yes. I'm sure that this Walmart has like a Coca-Cola display to look like the American flag and she ripped that down. She's like, I need it? Yes. I'm sure that this Walmart has a Coca-Cola display to look like the American flag, and she ripped that down. She's like, I need it. Bunch of Guy Fieri pre-made meals on the end of a thing. I want the bottom one.

Here's where she gets more fun. Wait, wait, Dan, you know that if another dog enters the scenario? No, Jason. It's a three-dog job? It's a three-dog job? It's a three-dog night. Jeremiah was... All right, I'm sorry.

At Sklar Brothers, send all your hate here. Ready? Sorry. That guy got up and left on that. I'm sorry. I'm with you. I hate me, okay? I hate me. He was one of the guessers. He's the one who won. He's like, babe, this night's not getting better.

I won. We're out. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Is he upset that he, didn't he win? Okay, he won. Okay, ready for this? When Lisa Smith was asked to leave the Walmart, she went out to the parking lot and started performing karate moves. Yes. I love Lisa Smith.

She's out there doing a real demo. No, no way. Fucking foot fist way style demo. Do we have verification that they were actual karate moves and not just her imaginary karate moves? I heard she's a rope belt. That's what level she's at. You're about to learn more about her.

Let's go to that next slide. Here's Lisa Smith. She's also doubles as a Halloween decoration. She's a kitchen witch. Yeah, she looks like one of those like, like the tongue would come out. And it would squirt water. What a weird combo.

Yeah, I love that. Have it squirt water. That's the boss of the company. I like that lady face that laughs. Have it squirt water, and we're done. You think kids will like that? Yeah, I don't care. What's weird is that we have to keep refilling it with Yeah, I don't care. What's weird is that we have to keep refilling it with water.

I don't know. Yeah, that's not my problem. You are really flipped to be like a person who's creating novelty gifts. I made a lot of money doing that. Put water and have it squirt. Don't question me. I drive a fancy car. Guess what my car does?

It squirts water. All right. Are you scared of water? No, I love it. I just like squirting people with it. What were you going to say, Liz? I think it's pretty impressive that she started doing crimes with dogs since clearly she at one point had a crime that she was doing that was solved by a dog.

She's a Scooby-Doo bad guy, is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. She's constantly being tormented by meddling kids. Yes, thank you, thank you. She would have gotten away with it, too. Yep. There's no way any of her karate kicks are above the waist. I'm something fucking degree black belt

Let's go You're going to find this hard to believe Lisa Smith was arrested and then fought with the officers No She also attempted to kick out a window on the squad car So she is doing the kind of demo you predicted I love an attempted kick to a window of a squad car because you know she just bounced off of it

and had to act like, that's all I wanted to do. I scuffed it. I scuffed it. Whatever. We can go back to that next slide for me. That's just me, the logo, friends. While all of that was going on, this is not routine, guys.

Yeah, this is far from it. So far it sounds like it, but maybe it's making a shift now. going on. This is not routine, guys. I mean, so far it sounds like it, but maybe it's making a shift now. While all of that was going on, police say her son, Benny Van, was in the back of the store and had removed all of his clothes, exposing himself to customers. That is a new

way to greet people at Walmart. You can't arrest me. You can't arrest me now. I'm nude. Actually, we can still arrest you. Yeah. Yep. Can't see me. You think I'm stealing stuff? What? Where are my pockets? I don't have pockets. That was him proving... Pat me down. Pat me down. Cuff this, bitch. Alright, ready? Let's take a look

at what Benny Van looks like. Look at him. Yeah, his hairline comes way down. He looks like Act 3 Benjamin Button. Like somewhere between old and young. He's going the wrong way. He's got his mother's meth scab.

It's a little smaller. And his stepdad's eyes. As far as he knows. As far as he knows. When officers approached him, it was at that point Benny Van tried to run over an officer with his scooter. Was he like a real short officer?

I have no idea. When did a scooter come into this story? Is it a Jazzy? Is it a Walmart scooter? It's probably a Walmart scooter, right? So he got off the scooter, took off all his clothes, got back on the scooter, and then tried to have a rundown. Yep.

He was just real hot on that scooter. Tell me I don't look good. Tell me. You do not. He looks like an unathletic Michael Phelps. He just looks like a liar. We can go to that DPT logo for me. They say that Bo, remember

Bo? There better be a photo of Bo up there. There better be a photo. No photo of Bo. They say that Bo, I love the article. Wait, did they say at any time what kind of dog Bo is? No, but I picture like a little black and white collie. Oh, I'm picturing like a little Pomeranian who's real naughty.

I had like kind of a 45 pound mutt kind of a little bit shaky. He doesn't bite. He nips. I'm just going to say this about Beau without seeing any picture. He's definitely wet. You know what I mean? And his collar is a rope. You know what I mean?

You know why he's wet? Because if he got water squirted out. That's terrible. That's terrible. That's terrible. It's a terrible idea, sir. There's a little wrinkle in the writing of this story that I love. They're so afraid that we've gotten so far down this rabbit hole that you've forgotten certain things.

This is literally the next sentence. They say that Bo, the dog. Oh, okay. Or they could have just been, they say that Bo, the dog. Oh, okay. They say that Bo, the smart one. Ready for this? During all this, they say that Bo, the dog, grabbed some

cornbread mix and tried to leave the store with it. He's not trying to do anything. The dog is trying to leave this life. He grabbed the cornbread mix and tried not to pay for it.

I feel like at this point, Bo is just trying to act like he's not with them. Like, I'm just going home to make some cornbread. I don't know what they're talking about. Cornbread in his mouth.

He's like, what's going on over there? They seem weird. Weird person doing karate. All right. Smith was arrested on disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and bail jumping charges. Why not? Yeah, I know.

Okay. That's a whole other. That's a whole other story. That's like the end of Never Ending Story. But that is another tale. Van was arrested for lewd and lascivious behavior, disorderly conduct, and retail theft. Bo was eventually caught in the store, and police said that he is not facing charges. Come on.

No. No. No, that's right. Whoever wrote that should have to go to jail. Yeah. All right, let's go to that next slide because I'm going to show this beautiful family side by side. Oh, man.

Look at them. I guess the apple doesn't fall that far from the witch. If she turned to the side, you'd be able to see like an old woman and a young woman in her face, you know? Actually, if you leave an apple out for long enough, it becomes her. She literally looks like a character in

Disney's Haunted Mansion. Yeah. But she is raising one eyebrow like, hmm, did I do it? Didn't I do it? She's checking out one of the cops. I got my eye on you. We gonna fuck.

Just tell me, did Bo get away? I'm gonna fuck that pig. Yeah, and then we cut to Bo on like a boat to Mexico with Salisbury Hill playing. And he's like, opens a case full of cash and cornbread. Him and Andy Dufresne just sitting on a boat together. I did it. And then a white dog brings like a plate of cornbread

out to him. We did it. Alright. We're going to start with Lisa Smith. We're going to play a round of Guess the Agee. Now, I can think of no better way than to play a round of

Guess the Agee than with the man himself. Please welcome Steve Agee. Steve Agee! Slower. In Austin. Slower. Steve Agee. Let's get that mic on.

I need the bottom. It's around there. There is nothing better than introducing someone and having a microphone that works. Just the confident stroll down the aisle grabbing that mic. Hey, how we doing? Oh.

It's on. Now here, give him a... Someone need to push a button? Let's just do this. Ready? Ladies and gentlemen, Steve A.J. Steve A.J. Really? Okay. By the way, I just have to add,

Jan Flato's blood type is Bartles and James. Guys, that's a show. Thank you so much. Steve, do you want much. All right. Steve, do you want to run it down, and I'll assist on a round of Guess the AG? Yeah, let's do that. Okay. All right, who are we starting with? Who are we starting with?

Lisa. Who do you guys want to start with? Benny or Lisa? Okay, we'll start with Benny. Benny. All right. Benny. We're going to start with Benny. Okay.

Yeah, but who's guessing first? All right. Let's... You tell us. Benny? Yeah. Look at him. 22.

22? 22 years old from John Clayson. Double deuce. $1. No, no, no. You cannot do that. That's how much money he'll make in his life. 18.

Okay. I think it's a hard 29. Oof. What? He's 21. What is it? He's 21. 21?

Yeah. Would two townies like to play really quick? Get your hands in the air if you'd like i got one right back here your hand is straight up yes what's your name hi kim welcome to town what's your guess 26 years old and somebody right here down front what's your name hi michelle welcome to town what's your guess 23 years old okay all right Take it away, Steve. Wow. Nobody guessed Benny's age. 74. No, stop. He looks great. We guessed on all sides. Benny is 25. So he can rent a van. I'm just letting people know. Legally could rent a car. Yes.

Okay. Let's run it down. How old? Now you know how old Benny Van is. How old do you think? How old was she when she was pregnant with him is what you're actually asking. How old do you think blank aka

Lisa Smith is? He was 25? 25? Yeah. blank, a.k.a. Lisa Smith is? Go on. He was 25? Yeah. Yes. John is really thinking about this. 53.

53 years old? 53. Okay. 42. Wow. That's bold. That's good math. You do the math. Off mic, Eliza said 42. Wow. Yeah, that's bold. That's good, man. That's bold. You do the meth. Yeah, off mic, Eliza said in meth years. That's what I said to her.

You meth the do. That's their new slogan. By the way, that should be Mountain Dew's new slogan. You meth the do. I'm just going to say that karate makes you look young. Where's your mic? Age is gone.

She's got a black eye in karate. That's great, Steve. She also did a black eye in karate. No! I'm going to say she's 45. I'm going to say 47. 47 from Jason Sklar. A couple of Italians out there. Get your hands up really quick.

One and two. Go right here, brother. My name's Bo. There he is! He's out of jail! Bo! 44 is your second kid. 44's out of jail. Okay. 44 second kid. On the line.

Lisa. All right. Who over here? It was a young lady over here. What's your name? Sarah. 39. I like Sarah.

It's possible. That's some Florida math right there. Anything's possible in Eau Claire. You know what? That's their slogan. Eau Claire, anything's possible. That'd be an unsettling sign to see as you're approaching town. Turn around, honey.

Wait, it's whose slogan? Meth? Yes, it's meth's slogan too. Anything is possible. Except keeping your teeth. All right, Steve, Give it to us. Nobody guessed it. Okay. Lisa Smith is 46.

46! Yes! Right between us. Steve Agin, thank you so much! He may come back. He may be back. Hang around, Steve. Don't go far, Steve.

We may need you again. Is that our first story? That is our first story. Go to that next slide. First story down in the books. That's it. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break. All right.

I'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Austin! Yeah! Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Our guests, thank you, Austin.

Thank you, Austin. Eliza Skinner, John Glazer. John Glazer loves gear. That's happening. It happened. Yeah, season's over. Season's over. You can watch it a hilarious show You can watch it on demand You can watch it on demand

Watch it on demand Watch Delocated too Two of the funniest shows You'll ever see Sure Enjoy that John Glazer everybody And Eliza

Yeah Easy Eliza Thank you for joining us again Are you having fun at the fest? Yeah Having a great time Alright

Where can people See you do live stuff Outside of this festival? Are you touring at at the fest? Yeah, having a great time. All right. Where can people see you do live stuff outside of this festival? Are you touring at all? Yeah, sometimes. I don't remember any dates off the top of my head, but I got a website, Elizaskinner.com. You can find me there. I also got a podcast, and you can listen to that.

It's a cool playlist. What's that called? Cool playlist. That's right. Oh, yeah. Fantastic idea. Daniel, are you doing well? I'm doing phenomenal

Should we jump into another story? Let's do another story Sent in by Fansmanship At Fansmanship He's a good dude living on the central coast of California And a great fan of Dumb People Town One of the things I like to do In live shows because it's better to experience

This sort of stuff together Is give everyone nightmares. So buckle in, people. Here we go. Here we go. What was originally thought to be an eye infection. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus.

Turned out to be something far worse. I think I know what this is. So many people know. I think I've seen this one. And if you don't, either way, you're going to get to see it. You're going to find out. Wow. You don't have to look.

You don't have to look. Just remember that. You don't have to look. Instead of treating an eye infection, doctors at the University Hospital in Taiwan were shocked to find embedded in the eye of a 29-year-old woman. Can I guess? Christiane Amanpour? She will embed herself anywhere. She's unbelievable.

The woman's unbelievable. Her reporting skills are amazing. If anybody on the stage doesn't know what it is and would like to guess, feel free. Oh, yeah. What do you think it is? Do you know what it is? Yeah, it's Nichols.

It's Nichols. Nichols. It's a snowball full of Nichols. Just got this clanging when I walk. Yeah. Ching, ching, ching You know They find embedded in the eye Of a 29-year-old Taiwanese woman

Bees That's where they've all gone I mean It's such a tragedy The bees were reportedly This is where your nightmare starts Is that why she was so sweet? Oh

Oh Honey No? Okay, sorry. Where have all the bees gone? Into her eyes! Bees in the eye. Now that's the slogan for Eau Claire Wisconsin. The bees were reportedly, this is where the nightmare

starts. The bees were reportedly feeding on her tear ducts under her swollen eyelid. Let's go to that slide. Oh, man. No! Oh! You can see they really like that corner down there where the duct

is. They're like the Anne Frank of bees. Oh, they are. Like, hiding out. That's how they like to see themselves. really did how did you see them as like they're hiding out in there you know waiting for the nazi bees to lose power somehow uh before somebody throws up we can go to the logo hit that next slide for me uh her name is her name is uh he which i believe would probably be Hay Had come to the hospital

After experiencing severe pain In her eye That's good that she went to the hospital The hospital's Head of a word Ophthalmology, I know it Dr. Hung said at a press conference That such bees

Nest near graves and fall in trees. This is a nightmare. It is. Oh, my God. Yes. Nest near graves? So the chances of coming across them while hiking in the mountains are high, according to the Apple Daily Timeline. This all sounds like the lyrics to like a Juggalo song.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, for sure. 100%. Yeah. Hay confirmed she was visiting a family member's song. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, for sure. 100%. Yeah. Hay confirmed she was visiting a family member's grave. You got cursed.

Yeah. You went to a grave site and bees went in your eyes. No, I think she's trying to cover for this is what happens when the candy man comes in your eye.

Yeah. It stings, guys. We know. It stings. If it's happened, you know. But you need that sweet candy. Are the bees already in the cum? Yeah.

No, no, no. It's just seed. They flock to it. Then they grow. They love that sweet. Haven't you ever heard that phrase, flocking to it like bees on cum? Hay confirmed that she was visiting a family member's

grave, pulling out weeds, when she felt as if she got dirt into her eye and flushed it out with water. You do not need to do yard work at a grave, alright? You show up and you go like, hey, there's some weeds over there. Can you please get bees in your fucking eyes and do this

for me? If you go to a grave, you should be there to either apologize or piss on it. That's it. That is it. You are not doing your. Or dance on it. Yeah, or fuck on it. Come on.

There are romantic goths out there. It's just hard to get consent out of a grave. Oh, no, you don't fuck the grave. Oh. Somebody won the grave. No, you just fuck on it. Oh. Fuck the candy man on that grave. Yeah. And then the grave. Somebody on the grave. No, you just fuck on. Fuck the candy man on the grave. And then the bees. That's what it is.

She tried to flush it out with water. As I said, not nearly enough. After that, Hay said she started experiencing a stinging pain and teary eyes. You didn't look enough. I mean, this is partly on you.

This makes me mad at the people who so brazenly have like a beard of bees. I already didn't like those guys. I will say that. And then now I hate how much they're flirting with disaster. Yeah, it's like when somebody wears glasses but doesn't need them.

Yeah. He does. I do. Yeah. He does. I do, actually. He does. I do. I do. I was stung by 8,000 bees in my eye. You got my girled?

Yeah. Oh, shit. What? Because it's too soon? Yeah. I mean, the crazy thing is, like, she's the one who got stung, but Macaulay Culker's the one whose career died. No, it did not. Did Iung but macaulay culker is the one whose career died no it did not and i'll tell you this if you put the good son and my girl in the same universe

you don't feel bad at all no he got what he deserved uh dr hung inspected her and quote this is with his naked eye with his naked Well, I saw something that looked like insect legs. So I pulled them out under a microscope slowly, one at a time, without damaging their bodies. Thank God. I know. Those poor little bees, you know, waiting for the Nazis to come. I mean, even the bees have health care in Taiwan. You know what I mean?

Right. Good news. Hay did not rub her eyes too much, which officials say could have worsened the state of her inflamed cornea. Worst case scenario would have been blindness, according to the Apple Daily Taiwan. The bees were reportedly removed alive.

Oh. Yeah. No. Oh. No. Yes. But were charges pressed? Bail was set for. I'm going to ask you guys. How many bees did they pull out of her eyes? Anybody can

go first, tick, third, fourth, whatever you want. I don't ever want to go. What are you saying, John? Four. Four? Okay. Eliz John? Four. Four, okay. Eliza? Three. Three? Okay. Randy?

I'm not joking. I think there were 25 bees in that eye. 25 bees. I mean, at one point we had, what, 17 contacts in one eye? Yep. 25 bees in the eye. It's just swollen to the size of 25 bees and no one had noticed? Well, they were little bees.

I just want to say bees nuts, but okay. I'm going to say John. My goal is to disappoint him with everything I say. I'm going to say 14 bees. 14 bees. Jay, like every comment that you make is like a bee in John's eye. him with everything I say. I'm going to say 14 B's. 14 B's. Jay, like every comment that you make is

like a B in John's eye. It's like annoying him. It needs to be pulled out. Are there two townies out there that would like to play along? They haven't. Yes. Right up front. What's your name? Hi, Janelle. And what is your guess? 10 B's. Welcome to town. Anybody else out there would like to play along? Right here in the white t-shirt. 4 B's. And what's your name?

Okay. We already had four. John had four. Four Bees. What's your name? Okay. We already had four. John had four. You got to pick another thing. Five? Okay. All right. That's sensible.

All right. I can tell you guys right now that one of you is exactly right. Okay. Now we get to play the game. Now on stage, we get to play a game. Who do you think is right? Me. John says himself. Me. Eliza says is right? Me. John says himself.

Me. Eliza says $1. Me. I'm right, and I know I'm right. Okay. What did I say? The amount of bees pulled out of Hay's eye, alive, after doing some sort of ritual she lied about at a gravesite.

By the way, for the bees, this was probably like the whole Chilean mind scenario. Guys, we're getting out. We're getting out. We're going to get on Letterman. I know it. We're going to get on Letterman. Were they exposed or liberated? Yeah. One of them has to confront the mistress that

her husband bee was with because he thought that she was gonna be gone before i give you the answer i'll say that these are sweat bees there are more than a thousand species of sweat bees in the u.s canada and central america and just to be a dick the person who wrote this story finished the article by saying nearly 50 species alone of sweat bees are found in Florida. Florida's like, we are not part of this fucking story. Anything can happen.

You are now. We'll get out of story number two. Wait, how many was it? Because the amount of bees found in Hay's eye is four. Just give me that slideshow, brother. And look it, that's the eye, and that's the face. Now, you said that was the amount that were pulled out alive. Were there other ones that didn't make it?

They didn't say. I think they got them all. Everybody was rescued from that eye mine. And all of those bees were buried at that same cemetery. We go back to the logo, and that's it for story number two. We'll be back with more Gun People Town right after this. Alright, let's read some names of our amazing Patreon

patronages. People who support this show. Patrons. We're having a hard time with the name of the thing. Patronies. You ready? Patronies. I love it.

They're amazing, and we can't tell you how much we appreciate. We just hung out with some townies who are at the higher levels who get to hang out with us. We have a meet and greet before every live show. They get to come to every live show. There are some townies who have fully taken advantage of that. One townie flew from Phoenix. One from Atlanta. One from Atlanta.

Kristen. Kristen and Jen. Coming out. Jen and Kathy always come from downtown L.A. We're getting to know these people. We appreciate that. We love giving you guys the extra content. And one of the perks is if you contribute, we get to read your name on the air like Kurt

Bordelon. Bordelon. You get to read your name on the air like Kurt Bordelon. Bordelon. And then I lose my mind. But you keep on pushing my Kurt over the borderline. How about Stephanie Seymour? I mean, she was a swimsuit model for SI. Stephanie Seymour.

Isn't that Suddenly Seymour from Little Shop of Loss? Stephanie Seymour was a supermodel for Sports Illustrated in the swim suit. That's one of the most beautiful pictures ever. And now she's supporting our show. How about Jason Bullitt? Jason Bullitt. I don't know. That's Jason Bullitt.

American hero. Shot up the charts. Oh, you don't know Jason Bullitt? He's no ordinary cook. He's playing for keeps. How about Andy Greenberg? Andy Greenberg. Little Andy Greenberg.

Little Andy Greenberg. Just grew up and then he supported this show. Kim, hug it. Let's hug it out. Hug it out, boys. Hug it out. Kim. How about Zach Martina?

Zach Martina is a comedian who has done this show. He has opened or featured for me and Randy, Randy and I, in Ann Arbor. Featured for Randy in the end. Randy is what it is. When I do my tour in the Midwest, he's already told me that any shows he can,

he will join me on tour so you'll be able to see him there. He's one of the funniest comics out there. And the fact that he was a guest on the show and supports it

just tells you what a great guy he is. It makes us feel like we're doing something right. Check out his comedy too. How about Matthew Waggoner? Thank you, Matthew Waggoner. I love the Jeep Waggoner.

The Jeep Waggoner. The Matthew Waggoner is got a lot. I love the Waggoner? Thank you, Matthew Wagoner. I love the Jeep Wagoner. The Jeep Wagoner. The Matthew Wagoner is got a lot. I love the Wagoner featured in Great Outdoors. Matthew Wagoner has a lot of trunk space. All right. Ken Humphrey. Humphrey. Lady Humphrey. I didn't get a Humphrey out of that guy. Get the governor Humphrey. Humphrey. Adam Jacobson. I'm Adam Jacobson.

Have you been hurt recently? These law books don't lie. I'm Adam Jacobson. Would I be don't lie. I'm Adam Jacobson. Would I be lying if I wasn't lying? I wouldn't have my hand on this stack of law books. Isn't this next name a line of hair care products? Paul Michael. I go to the Paul Michael salon.

Paul Mitchell. This is Paul Michael. Paul Michael is Paul Mitchell's younger brother. Yes. Who just has mousse. Tons of mousse. Samantha Thompson. Not Thompson.

No. Thompson. Thompson. Samantha Thompson. Not Thompson. No. Thompson. Thompson. Samantha Thompson. Thank you, Sam Tom. How about Alyssa Gaffin? Alyssa Gaffin. She's just gaffing around.

She's just gaffing around with us. She's doing what she does. I love it. We appreciate you, Alyssa. Katie Blacker. Katie Blacker's out there on Wacker Drive. She's on Wacker Drive. Katie Blacker.

Clap, clap, clap, clap. Katie Blacker. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Katie Blanker. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. Look, this isn't middle school volleyball anymore, Blanker. Get out there and start setting those. Quit playing grab ass, Blanker. Get out on the floor. All right, how about Ty Ryan?

You better go by Ty Ryan. Ty Ryan. Ty Ryan is a middle linebacker from a four-star. 24-7. Bishop High School in Cleveland. Andrea Horan. Horan. Horan, man, man.

And Horan. That's what I thought too. Horan's so far away. Thank you, Andrea. We appreciate it. I should get Andrea. All right. Rachel Maurer.

Maurer. Maurer. Maurer. Love it. There's nothing about her name that's silent. She's like the rural juror. Rural juror. All right. Rachel Maurer. Maurer. Maurer. Love it. There's nothing about her name that's silent. She's like the rural juror. Rural juror. Rachel Maurer.

Thanks so much, Stephanie Seymour and Alyssa Graffin for being true locals. And we love you guys. Thank you so much. Let's get those numbers up because part of the money goes to a fund. She's trying to get Jan Flato his money back. Or as I've been calling him, Jennifer. Jennifer. Let's do it, you guys,

and let's get back to the show. All right, Dan, the show is moving along. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Do you want to do one more story or do you want to take some from the crowd? How many people brought a story with them tonight? Does anybody have one out there?

Put your hand up in the air. Oh, yeah. Awesome. One, two, three, four. I would say that we do some stories. Tony, come on up to that microphone. We'll find out if it's working. You'll give us your name and the headline and then maybe just

a little bit about that story. I think it's Chris at the mic. It's Chris. Hey, Chris. What's up, buddy? Welcome to town, Chris. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be in this town. Give me that headline. So, this story comes from a classmate of mine from high school who is a DA in East Texas. Okay. It's straight from the horse's mouth.

Wow. Is that the headline? No. Oh, okay. It's straight from the bee's eye. It's not a headline as it's not a news story, but he said it happened at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. Uh-oh. I mean, that's for anything that can happen.

Anything. So it is the horse's mouth. It is literally the horse's mouth. It involved a fight between a German national and a sheriff's office horse named Bucky. A what? First of all, I love you to death, but you're already breaking my first rule. We don't hurt animals in Dump Pupil Town. I know, but wait, so so but it was a German national?

It was. Not a German shepard. Oh. It's gonna turn south on you. I guarantee it. The horse was okay. Oh, damn. Did it get hit? It did. Yeah. Alright, well, hold on a second. You know what? The horse probably said, guys, guys, I'm fine.

Guys, I'm fine. I'm fine, guys. But emotionally. It's really beaten up, guys, guys, I'm fine. Guys, I'm fine. I'm fine, guys. But emotionally. It's really beaten up, yeah. So the German was drunk. No shit. And he lost his car in the parking lot. And he approached the sheriff's officers that were mounted

to help him find his car. And they obliged. And they walked around the parking lot trying his key fob. But unbeknownst to them the key fob was dead wait so he goes to the cops and he says i'm really drunk you gotta help me find my car so i can drive out of here you know what that's a classic german national yeah classic rodeo going german national for you we're calling the man Hans by the way I missed that

so Hans got mad that he couldn't find his car and started cursing at the officers saying you guys are fucking worthless and I pay your salary do they have the quote where he then says to the horse the fuck did you just say to me

what are you looking at, huh? The cops try to leave, but Hans chases after them. As all good cops should do with a drunk person looking for a fight. Dude, we're out of here. We're sorry. We'll leave. This isn't

our thing to deal with. Yeah, who are we to deal with this? One of the mounted officers turns around and the German national grabs the halter and punches the horse in the nose. No! I don't like it. The horse bucks up

and according to my friend who has an awesome East Texas vernacular, the deputy almost goes ass over tea kettle onto the concrete parking lot. Okay. But manages to save the horse and stays upright. Okay, good.

At the trial, later, the defense claims that he was incapable of running and fighting because he had been in a bad wreck several years earlier. But my friend pulls up a Facebook post of him at the top of a mountain from a

few months prior. Punching a mountain. Punching a mountain. By the way, I just, I can't not picture the horse in a little suit at trial. Not testifying, just sitting there waiting. Just like wanting his justice.

This is how BoJack started. This is season seven BoJack. Every time the German ass was like, I couldn't run that fast because I had an accident before the horse was in the back going. Nay. So the deliberation lasted 18 minutes. They got a guilty plea.

Oh, yeah. On the horse. By the way, can you imagine if that was your jury duty? You'd be so psyched. Is that it, my friend? I have a guest, the AG, if you'd like to play a game. Of the horse or the guy? The guy.

The German national. All right, let's do it. Or we could play how long he spent in jail. Let's guess his age. Let's guess his age. Let's see. He climbed a mountain. He knows how to use Facebook. And. Let's guess his age. Let's see. He climbed a mountain. He knows how to use Facebook.

And he's got a fob. He's a German. I'll go 38 years old. Jay? First of all, I'm going to guess that he only wears diesel jeans. Diesel jeans and white puma shoes with a giant

puma on it. With a Velcro over the side. And windbreakers all the time. I'm going to say he's 41. And a giant messenger bag. I'm going to say he's 33. 45. 42.

No one's correct. Hans, the German national who punched Bucky in the nose was 63. 45. 42. Okay. No one's correct. Okay. Hans, the German national who punched Bucky in the nose, was 63. Oh! Wow. Well, at least I found a way to hate him more. Chris, thank you so much for coming to town, my man. That was good work.

Nice work. Hello, Townie. Hello. Is that you, Kim? Yes, it is. Hi, Kim Fritz. What's going on, kiddo? What do you got?

Headline. Naked man arrested after breaking into vehicles being chased down street. Say that again slower. Sorry. Naked man arrested after breaking into vehicles being chased down street. The vehicles were being chased down street? Yeah, the vehicles were being chased. And he... Okay. So being chased, and he... Okay.

So he's naked, and he's breaking into... That's pretty impressive. That's called naked and unafraid. Yeah. That's our brothers. That's a lot of things flapping in a breeze there. I like that. Hit it with us, Kim.

Van Buren, Arkansas. Jeez, that got loud. That's okay. We like it loud. Van Buren police say a man breaking into vehicles at a church was caught with his pants down. Literally. Oh, boo. Why did John blame that on us?

Yeah, John's like, Sklar, so you got to stop. Robert Earl Woods of Mulberry was arrested on charges of commercial burglary, criminal mischief, breaking into- That can't be his name. That literally cannot be his name. That's Tiger Woods' dad. Earl Woods. Criminal mischief,

breaking and entering, felony theft of property, public intoxication on drugs, and indecent exposure. According to Sergeant Jonathan Ware of the Van Buren Police, officers responded to a call about 9 p.m. Saturday, April 20th.

Oh, yeah. We're 20, baby. Of a fully naked man being chased down the street by another man. From church. Officers arrived on scene and were told by the victim in the case that he had been at a church event downtown

and found the naked man in his vehicle when he returned. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey. Hey, buddy, you in my car? Like, how do you clean that? Like, when you see a naked man sitting in your car, the way, like, I can't imagine any way to get that out.

You can't detail it enough. No. Turn it down. Yeah. Light it on fire, walk away. Yeah. It was later found that the naked man had broken into three businesses and two vehicles downtown. The naked man was identified as Woods. Police searching the area found an open door to a business on the 400 block of Main Street

and followed a fresh blood trail into the building, but did not find the suspect. What? Wait, what? Why is he bleeding? I mean, as Jews, this is hard to understand but could this be jesus well there were two sets of footprints and then just one there was one set of bloody footprints that was when the naked man there was one set of people town it goes when there was one set of footprints that is when i kidnapped you That is when you climbed on my back

and we ran around naked. You know, it must be... It's never decent exposure, you know? Never. There's never a decent... That's what I've been sitting here thinking, too. I'm like, is there a definition for that? It feels like that must have been a joke that's been done, right?

Is that just like a well-worn tank top? Put a little polo on your dick? A little polo shirt on your dick? That's pretty decent exposure. You look decent. You look decent. Hang on. If your dick had a bow tie and a cane, you'd be like, that's decent.

That's Mr. Peanut. Bow tie and a cane. I'm buying tickets to Six Flags. All right. Or you're going to get some Planner's Peanuts. These nuts. Okay. At Sklar Brothers. She started it. tickets to Six Flags. Or you're going to get some Planner's Peanuts. These nuts. At Sklar Brothers. She started it.

They later found his clothing and wallet in the victim's car and identified him as Woods from Mulberry. While continuing the search, police got a call of a man moaning in the area of 6th and Webster Streets and found Woods trapped in an attic crawlspace at 512 Webster. He's a ghost! He's Anne Frank! He's like a naked... 512 Webster. He's a ghost.

He's Anne Frank. He's like a naked. He's Anne Frank. He's a naked, bloody Anne Frank. Yeah, there you go. Living off of somebody's tear ducts up there. I mean, he should have climbed into a Taiwanese woman's eye. Would have been there for longer. Because it was about a 15-foot drop from the attic to the ground,

the Van Buren Fire Department was called in to help get Woods out of the crawl space. Woods was then arrested. Like he was a little cat up a tree. They train for that at the academy in Arkansas. Yes, they do. Firefighters, you pull a naked guy out of the house. All right, we'll do it really quick. Are we guessing the car?

Oh, they don't list the car. No, I just have his age. Robert Earl Woods. Come on, Dan. 23 years old. I want him to be like 80. I really just want him to be old. I'm going to say 56.

56 from Jason Scott. I'm going to say 41. 41 from Rand. I'm going to stick with 45. 45? 26. 26. One of you is exactly right. Oh! I got to go with me. I'm going with 45. 45? 26. 26. One of you is exactly. Oh! I gotta go with me. I'm going with me.

I'm going with John. Yeah, I'm going with John. I'm gonna go with John too. Oh, Randy. Oh! 41. 41! Oh, believe in yourself.

I don't believe in this show. Thank you so much, Kim. Thanks, Kim. Thank you. Yes. Couple more and then we gotta wrap this baby up. Hello, I'm Melissa. Hi, Kim. Thanks, Kim. Thank you. Yes. A couple more, and then we've got to wrap this baby up. Hello, I'm Melissa. Hi, Melissa.

Hi, Melissa. Welcome to town. All right, guys. We've got a Greenlee. Yes! Dan, please explain to these guys who Greenlee is. Will Greenlee writes for the TC Palm, and he explains things way too much. So much so that you're like, who's the fucking moron, me or you?

Because I'm reading it. In one article, he explained how an anchor worked. He spent three sentences explaining how an anchor worked. And we think he's writing for one dumb person out there that he really wants to help. Or he has 1,500 words to fill and all his stories come up in 1,000. Or he's iced tea on SUV. Yes, exactly.

So in a greenly, what we do... SPU, sorry. You guys knew what I meant. So in a Greenlee, the way I play it, and I'm hoping you did as well, is I will add in some of my own over explanations. And then you have to guess, did Greenlee write that over explanation or did I? Melissa, did you write any? I'm not saying.

Take that as a she did not. Thanks so much, Melissa, for coming out. We'll go to the next. Hang on. Hang on. Okay. The headline is genius. Thong-wearing garbage artist jailed in Martin County? With a question mark. Like, I'm Ron Burgundy?

With a question mark? Okay. So he's not sure where the... In Martin County? Okay. It really does. Okay. Found wearing garbage artist. Okay.

Arrested. Jailed. Sorry. I feel like that's an unfair critique of this art that we haven't even seen. I know. Agreed. Agreed. Yeah.

Like you're a... Dude, I'm a wearing garbage artist. Dude, your art is garbage, bro. You're a garbage artist, man. You're a fucking garbage artist. It's like, yeah. All right, Melissa, hit it with us. is garbage, bro. You're a garbage artist. You're a garbage artist. An apparent thong-wearing garbage artist was arrested

after Martin County Sheriff's investigators said he declined to identify himself, according to a report. The case is against George Blanken, 31. He didn't identify himself and his last name is Blanken.

Maybe he did identify himself. These cops were being dicks. What's your name? George what, man? Blanket. Just tell us your name. I'm Blanket. You know what?

If you're going to be a fucking dick about it, I'm going to tase you. I better come back to you right away. I'm Blanket. A property owner was called to report, quote, a homeless male on his property building shed and throwing chairs. Get off the shed. Sorry. Hold on.

She might be about to explain what a chair is. Keep going. The trespasser was wearing a swimsuit and then a thong. Here's our first one, guys. Okay. A thong is a minimalist undergarment that leaves a majority of the buttocks exposed. Was that me or Greenlee? I'm going Greenlee.

That's Greenlee. That's Greenlee. I'm saying you. I'm saying you. I love that you said that about me, but it's Greenlee. Yes, I knew it. I know my man, WG. I'm learning so fast.

I'm learning so fast. The 1999 debut song by Sisqó contains the hit single, The Thong Song. Oh, no. The lyrics include the lines, quote, She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what, what, what. All night long, let me see that thong. Was that me or Greenlee?

No, I will say, he would do this. Yes. But I'm going, it's Melissa, right? Yes. I'm going Melissa. I want him to win a Pulitzer for this. But it is you, my friend. Yeah, that is all Melissa.

Yeah. Agree. As a comedian, this brings me so much joy that you all believed in me, but it's Greenlee. Yeah! That's in an article in a newspaper. A journalist wrote that. No.

I'm crying. Maybe it's the bees. I don't know. This guy writes A journalist wrote that. No. I'm crying. Maybe it's the bees. I don't know. This guy writes like it's just computer generated. I know. Like it has keywords that it searches the internet for.

He, by the way, could have done like, he's got drums. Dump's like a truck in parentheses sick and then he'd have to go truck, truck. He could have...

In my heart, he wrote that last blurb from fucking memory. He was probably listening to it. Oh, hell yeah. Well, hang on. In his defense, she did have dumps like a truck. I do want to say that she did have dumps like a truck.

Let's hear more, Melissa. Meanwhile, investigators spoke to a man who, quote, had no shirt, no shorts, and was covered in sand like at a beach. The report states he got no shirt, no shoes, no service. He stated that the artist makes things from garbage. Was that Greenlee or me? That's your last little Greenlee. No shirt, no shoes, no service?

No shirt, no shoes, no service. No shirt, no shoes, no service. I'm going to go Greenlee. I think you ran the table on a green. No, that's you. That's you. I'm going to give that one to you. You. I'll just say just dissent to Greenlee.

Okay. It's actually me, guys. Yes! At the jail, the man was arrested after he didn't identify himself after the jail. The fingerprints said he was blanking. He was blanking. He was blanking. He was arrested on charges of obstruction without violence

and giving a false name of identification. Awesome. Thank you so much for that, guys. That was amazing. I'm really sorry, but we only have time for one more because they are going to kick us out of here for the next great show that's coming up. So this will be our last townie.

I apologize to anybody else who is online. And by the way, we do have merch, which we brought merch. So we'll be back there and signing stuff and photos after this. All right, sir. You are our last townie of the evening. I'm Chez. Hey, Chez. Chez, welcome to town.

Okay. Headline, man arrested after cake vacuum stolen from Topeka Dairy Queen. What? You can get a cake vacuum? A cake and vacuum. Oh, because I make a big cake mess every time I eat one. Yo, that cake vacuum is huge, yo.

For a second there, you made my Amazon cart a little bigger. It'd be pretty cool. Who's going to vacuum this cake up? With what? I have the answer. Yeah, the Remco cake vacuum. Take it away, brother.

Okay. Topeka police responded at about 5 a.m. Thursday to report a burglary at Topeka Dairy Queen. A cake and vacuum were reported stolen from the fast food restaurant at 2230 Southwest 29th Street. I'm just imagining them running away together, holding hands. I came here to do two things tonight.

Steal a vacuum and steal some cake. No, I mean like the cake and the vacuum were like in love for a long time. Oh, 100%. And they were like, we have to be together. They're never going to understand. Let's run away. It's a brave little toaster situation. Pixar, get at me.

The dish ran away in a spin. Sorry. Officers later arrested Dustin Kane and were able to recover the vacuum according to news release. Did you say his name is Dusty Kane? Dustin Kane. But I call him Dusty.

They didn't recover the cake. No. That cake's gone. It's in the wind as they say is that it? what if Baskin Robbins got the cake back and they're like listen you can have it if you guys want it for six year old Brandon's birthday it's got like a handprint

and a couple of nails was that it my friend? Yeah, I do have an age. Okay, really quick. Yeah, let's guess. I'm going to go 19. 24. I'm going to go 41.

34. 55. 55. Hit it to us. We're going to get out of here on this. Give us that age, my friend. The lucky number of the day

is 41. Yeah! Way to go. Guys, thank you so much for the guests. John Glaser. Eliza Skinner. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work.

Thank you so much. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb