Dumb People Town - Jon Glaser - You Got This, Bonebreak!

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

This week, comedian/actor Jon Glaser moseys on down to Dumb People Town!In Story 1:  A woman steals an ambulance and leads the police in a high speed chase.Story 2 brings us a naked man "minding his own business" in the woods.Story 3 is the tale of a topless woman armed with a sword and some meth.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band, with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town! Population you.

Population Glazer. Oh man. It is so good Population Glazer. Oh, man. It is so good. John Glazer. There are a few people on this earth who, when I just see them, I feel warm and happy. John Glazer is one of them. And I start to laugh. I just start to laugh whenever I see you. Someone said, say, we were in Denver this past weekend, and someone said, say hey to Beamee.

And I was like, we're going to see him on the way. Just leaving the club, walking up the stairs, kind of over his shoulder. He was like, say hey to Beamey, and I was like, we're going to see him on the other end. Just leaving the club, walking up the stairs, kind of over his shoulder, was like, say hey to Beamey. Out the door. Like, he's still got a drinking problem. Say hey to Beamey. You played the load-bearing beam on cheap seats. That's right.

Had a drinking problem, was apologetic about it. Fiercely protective of us. Anybody start to give a shit? Hey, man. Be me. I'll be me. Oh, hey. Come on now, baby.

Hey, baby. Come on, baby. Be me. Be me. Well, we're lucky because we have you here in L.A. We're out here to do the Adult Swim comedy. Yeah, you are lucky. We are fucking lucky.

I've been here for a week. You are lucky. Could have done a lot of things. Look., you were out here to do the Adult Swim comedy. Yeah, you are lucky. We are fucking lucky. I'm only here for a week. You are lucky. Could have done a lot of things. And look where you are. John, I don't know if you've experienced this in New York, but I do believe that the world is getting dumber. And when we travel around and see it, it's just getting dumber faster. Or like dumb's like out of the shadows now.

And like we can be out. Like we're good now. Yeah. I can be loud and say my dumb thing, and there's zero repercussions. Yeah, it's, like, out of the shadows now. And, like, we can be out. Like, we're good now. Yeah. I can be loud and say my dumb thing. And there's zero repercussions. Yeah, it's been empowered. Right.

So we would like to. Dumb has been empowered. Dumb has been given. It's true. Yeah. Cheers. So this is our way to fight back is through comedy. We get these great stories from our dumb ears on the ground. They're actually very smart people.

They have, like, an ear to the dumb ground. And they just hear them come. It's like a dumb dog whistle. Then they send it to us and then Daniel. Hi, Daniel. Hey, buddy. We get to go through those stories here and I haven't seen them. Jay hasn't seen them. You have not seen the story. Is this correct, John? You have not read the story? It's correct. Okay. Ready? Let's jump into one

right away. Let's just do it. John and I read these stories together before we started. Hang on a second. He said he didn't hear any of them. Hold on. These are good ones. This is sent in by Wade Zelazny. Z-E-L-A-Z-N-Y.

The Z-Man. Zelazny. He went with at T-Bird underscore O-5. Why wouldn't he go with at Z-Bird? At Z-Bird. Z-Bird. Zee... Zeebird! Zeebird. WZ. He's like, I'm going to throw everyone a curveball.

Hey man, that's what the Zeebird does. I'm going to just call it T-Bird. You don't dig in. Don't dig in tight in the batter's box. He's going to brush you back. Wade Zalazny, good to meet you. Call me T-Bird. Obviously. No, he's like, Wade Zalazny, nice to meet you. And you're like, T-Bird?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, T-Bird. No, yeah. You must be T-Bird. All right. They get very, there's some creative writing in this to start out. That's always the other component is like how the journalist is also a fucking idiot. Yeah. Like there's that in every single.

Sure. Always nice. That's that in every single... Sure. Always nice. That's how it starts. Sure. Christy Lynn Woods may have boosted an ambulance while paramedics performed CPR on an unconscious woman in Southern Oregon. Boosted meaning stole. Yep.

Sure. She then led police officers and sheriff's deputies and state troopers on a high-speed chase up Interstate 5, ambulance flashing the whole way. While they're doing CPR. She was gone. No, they were out. They were out and she just took the ambulance. And yes, she's accused of ramming a cop car off the freeway as her speedometer hit 85

miles an hour. But she is a great girl. She's a good mom. Cut her some slack. But seated and handcuffed in the back of a patrol car Sunday, Christy Lynn Woods apparently wanted to know what the fuss was about. Quote, I was a good fucking driver, she reportedly told Officer Chris Bonebreak. That is the cop's name.

Wow. I hope you legally changed it to Dave. If I ever become a cop, I'm legally changing my last name to Bone Break. If you pitch that in a writer's room they're like that is too that's too

Chris Bone Break? Not in my writer's room. You'd get a raise immediately. Chris Bone Break. Chris Bone Break. Nickname? CB.

CB? Officer Chris Zebra. No he's actually Zebra. He's Zebra. He's Zebra. Officer Chris... No, he's actually Zebra. He's Zebra. He's Zebra. Officer Chris Bonebrake. She told that to Officer Chris Brombeck after records were filed.

You're a little hard on my wrist, officer. Ah, no! Living up to my name. Of course I am. Take a look at the name tag. Exactly. As they're approaching with the cuffs, you see the name tag and go, oh, shit, this is going to hurt. Snap.

I thought it was going to go easy. So she says, this was Christy Linwood's quote, I was a good fucking driver. I didn't try to hurt anyone. Did they put fucking in the newspaper? They wrote expletive, maybe dang. I love that she said, I didn't try to hurt anyone, but she ran a cop off the road at 85 miles an hour. Okay, just understand that this woman saw an ambulance and said, that's for me to play

with. Was there anything else? She was wasted on something. I'm sure. Well, I love Randy. I've always wanted to steal an ambulance. See, but here's the deal. I'm sure they said, what's your name?

And she just answered with, I'm a good fucking driver. Whatever question they asked, I didn't try to hurt nobody. I want to know what happened. So they left. They were doing CPR. Okay. Well, first of all, Randy hit the nail on the head and so did you guys because he goes, she says. For furthermore, Christina Lynn Wood seemed to think the whole thing wasn't her fault.

Quote, why did they leave it unlocked? Okay, all right. Here, this is what I was wondering. When's it going to get to the dumb part? This is just like a wasted person. Like, that's pretty good. That's the dumb. That's the dumb.

Blaming that person. She walked by with a kid she was in charge of, left the kid when she saw this. I'm all guessing. This is your guessing. She's like, I'm watching this kid. You guys stay here. You're on your own now. There's an ambulance.

I'm just going to check to see if they locked it or not. I'm going to teach them a lesson. Why'd they leave it unlocked? She asked bone break according to a probable cause affidavit filed by the officer. She just pushed her nose up into it. I hope she, yeah, I mean, here's the thing. In court, you can't argue against that. I mean, that is tough.

That's a good take. This is a good lesson for paramedics. Lock the ambulance. Lock the ambulance. Sir, we're losing the patient. Hang on a second. Boop, boop. Boop, boop, boop.

I keep unlocking it. Here's the one thing you're guaranteed in life. Here's the one thing we do know is that you never know. You never know. That's it. One thing you know is that you never know. You never know. That's it. One thing you know is that you never know. Right. You never know.

Lock it. Always lock it. Always lock it. The wild episode began just before 3.30 p.m. when emergency paramedics rushed. P.M. Yes. 3.30 in the afternoon. I know.

That is daylight. That is daylight. Also, I think when you see, but she is like in the cover of this thing. So if you see an ambulance driving fast, you get out of the way. You get out of the way. If I'm driving on the street and I see an ambulance driving fast, I don't know if it's somebody crazy who stole it. I just know move to the right.

I think you generally assume that it's not somebody who's crazy who stole the ambulance. I tend to not think that, no. Yeah, now I'm kind of actually starting to sympathize with her a little bit. She's not driving recklessly. The flashers are on. The sirens are on. She knows people are going to move out of the way.

They don't know. Yeah, they don't know it's a crazy person driving. It's just, oh, here comes an ambulance. Get out of the way. They're probably driving crazy because they've got to get to the hospital. If you have all the cars to steal and then go into a crowded street, she did, like you said, pick the safest safest thing because by its very nature, it's going to force people to go to the side. And if she does get an accident, she has all the ability right there, the tools to help anybody who gets hurt. I imagine she rammed the police car, whatever, her bone break.

Did she hit bone break? I don't know if she hit bone break, but, like, she rammed bone break, and then the thing stops. She gets out of the car Throws the keys at the cops And says lock it next door Do you think Do you think Officer Bone Break Has ever been seen

Without wearing sunglasses? No No Even his wedding And his second wedding What happens What happens if Officer Bone Break

Ever has like One of those things Where you You know Where you hurt your dick and you break your boner? Yeah. Then it's like double bone break. Bone break breaks bone. Bone break breaks bone. You also know that Christy Lynn Woods, somebody in the previous 24 hours while drinking their beer said to her, you ain't never going to steal an ambulance.

You don't have the balls to do it. I'm sorry, what? I'm telling you right now. I'm sorry, what? If I ever see one, I'm taking it. She was immediately out the door and started combing the streets. Looking for an ambulance. You don't have the guts.

She definitely got in the car while no one was talking to her and said, going to tell me. Right. Going to tell me I can't. Turn it on. The wild episode began just before 3.30 p.m. So unlocked, keys in it.

Yeah. When emergency paramedics. That is. I'm a little upset at the paramedics. When you take the keys out, there's an emergency. There's someone who's getting CPR whose life is on the line. They throw open the doors and they run. I'm thinking about

someone stealing this ambulance and maybe this is a lesson to all future paramedics, current paramedics. Throw it into the hat. Put the club on it. It's a world of possibility. It really takes two, not even two seconds. All those

noises are me putting the thing in. Keys out. That's just muscle memory. You're like boom, boom, boom, keys in the pocket. Should be part of the test. That's me doing CPR. Did any of the three of you ever use a club in your life? On our car.

On your car. Wait a minute. Did you have a club? You had a club? I lived here for a year, meaning here in Los Angeles, and I think I had a club, but now I don't even remember. In L.A.? I had this shitty Ford Escort that I had.

Every once in a while, I would see one in Chicago. I would see one every once in a while. I would still see them. In Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The club. That is, you're worried. If you're still using the club, you are.

You have anxiety about it. You think you have feelings about chemtrails. You think you're being targeted. You know you're still using the club, you are. You have anxiety about it. You think you have feelings about chemtrails. You think you're being targeted. You know you're being targeted. The thing about the club, though, as far as like, it's such basic but brilliant technology. Oh, yeah. Someone listening. The email ain't going anywhere.

To us right now. Try and drive this. Someone listening to us right now is driving their uncle's car and there's a club in it. Oh, yeah. And they're like, I've never pulled this thing out. What is this thing? What is this thing? I can't wait to see the Facebook page inundated with pictures of townies and their clubs. club in it. Oh yeah, and they're like, I've never pulled this thing out. What is this thing?

Can't wait to see the Facebook page inundated with pictures of townies in their clubs. Please send us your pictures of your club. What was Bonebrake's first name? Chris? Yeah. Chris Bonebrake. Now is it really, is it Christopher and he never goes back? Just Chris, I don't know. Because Christopher Bonebrake is almost like, now it's almost like Christopher

Robin. It does feel kind of Dickens. Christopher Bonebrake. Christopher Bonebrake is almost like now you're it's almost like you know Christopher Robin it does feel kind of Dickens Christopher Bonebrake Christopher Bonebrake I just realized that was My Little Pony yeah My Little Pony or

Christopher Bonebrake could be like a December song was she into My Little Pony she's currently way into it right now so that song

because it's back on Netflix there's like a whole series of them I'm aware I know you're aware I'm very aware I'm currently aware get her hooked on Spirit the running horse that's a whole other of them. I'm aware. I know you're aware. I'm very aware. I'm currently aware. Get her hooked on Spirit the Running Horse.

That's a whole other one. Also aware. Also currently aware. Spirit the Running Horse. Let me go into this. The wild episode began before 3.30 p.m. when emergency paramedics rushed to the aid of an unconscious woman at an apartment building on Southeast Jackson Street in downtown Roseburg.

Add that to the dumb people. Don't pull the CPR person into this. Yeah, now she's part of this. Unless they brought her back to life. Unless she was an accomplice. I think she was in on it. That's exactly what I was about to say. She was like, okay, you go pretend to be dying. Here, just, you know, drink this whole bottle of whiskey. Just actually

unconscious. I'll do it with you. Make yourself unconscious. I got a way higher tolerance. As the medics attempted to revive the woman, police said that woods apparently came across their ambulance parked outside on the street apparently came across it no bother woods decided to fire up the engine and take off police said you're you're pounding you're doing that and then all of a sudden you hear your ambulance start up oh man are you like free as a paramedic, that has got to be... What do you do?

Do you leave the person? You keep on the person. You stay, and you try to like, you state how dire it was. This is what I'm saying. The medics who needed to take their patient to the hospital returned to find their emergency vehicle missing. Oh, I see the way they're saying it. They came back with her. So were they inside an apartment building?

They must have been, yeah. Brought her out. Soon after, an Oregon State Trooper on patrol attempted to pull Woods over while she cruised around downtown. She's doing laps. Wow. It's like days confused. Rochelle in the 80s and early 90s, my hometown, we would cut squares. That was like a real thing. And she definitely

wasn't using the siren going full time. It was like a boop, boop, boop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She definitely wasn't. They tried to going full time. It was like a Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They tried to pull her over. Instead, she pulls onto the freeway, hit the emergency lights, and stepped on the gas. Man, that must have been fun as hell. I know. Holy shit, man.

That's what I was thinking, too. Dude, I mean... I mean, lean in. There's a part of me that's like, that would have been kicked ass. As she sits in jail, she's definitely saying that was worth it. The ambulance chase was on. Woods reached speeds of up to 85 miles an hour as she

raced north. And she turned the cops into ambulance chasers. Yep, on I-5. At one point, near mile post 130, add that to the dumb people town walking tour, she rammed a state police cruiser that was driving in front of the ambulance. In an attempt to divert traffic, the collision sent the cop car careening into the highway's wire median, which shaved the top bar of the top of the vehicle completely off and shattered the windshield.

Wow. There's so much dirt and debris from the crash that I could not see the roadway for about a second, wrote Bone Break. Bone Break for about a second, wrote bone break. Bone break for about a second. About a second is like no time. So bone break was in pursuit? Yeah. Bone break's in pursuit. How many times during the pursuit

did this thought go through his head? You got this, bone break. You got this, Chris. A lot of that. A lot of that. Come on, CB. Don't give up. Or maybe he was a Star Wars fan. He's like, Chris. Yep. A lot of that. A lot of that. Come on, CB. Don't give up. Or maybe he was a Star Wars fan.

He's like, stay on target. Stay on target. You got this. One shot, Bone Break. One shot. She drove more miles before officers managed to slash the ambulance's tires with spike strips across the road. She eventually pulled off the freeway into a gas station and leapt from the ambulance before immediately dropping to the ground. Midway through the story, I'm going to ask you guys, how many miles do you think she led the police on an ambulance chase for?

That's a good one. Around Southern Oregon. You are our guest, sir, so you can go first, Tig, which is second, or third? You want to go first, second, or third to guess? I'll go first. Seven. Seven miles. Okay. Jason and Randy Sklar?

It sounds like she went around for a while. I think I'm going to say 14 miles. 14 miles from Jason Sklar. I think she probably went about 30 miles. And as she's going around, because she had to go far enough. She has to go far enough that farther out they have to lay the

strips down. One of you is exactly right. No way! She has to go far enough that farther out they have to lay the strips down. One of you is exactly right. No way! Now we get to play a second level of this game. Who do you think is right? Me. That's a confidence I like.

I've been bird guessing away from myself. This is like Price is Right, where you're over guessing and it's going to be probably cheap. I'm going to say I'm right. Jason says, and what was yours, Jay? 14. I think Jay's right. Halfway through the story, I can tell you that, is it Christy Lynn Woods? Drove around on a chase that took her

30 miles. I didn't believe in myself. 30 miles. Believe in yourself. That is insane. Just like Christy Lynn Woods. Bone breaker, man. I wish I had seven. I didn't believe in myself. 30 miles. Believe in yourself. That is insane. Just like Christy Lynn Woods. Wow, Bonebreaker, man. Hey, listen, man. I wish I had the hunch.

I wish I had seven. I'm like, Bonebreaker's not. He's going to cut this shit. He's going to fucking put the pedal to the metal, man. Bonebreaker ain't putting up with it today. Why didn't Bonebreaker just pull a move like, oh, fuck this. Enough of this shit. Pull around.

Pull right in front. Or go up over the top and then roll his car and make an impossible thing. Bonebreak. That's only a bone break move. That's so bone break. So then she gets out. She eventually pulls over to a gas station, leaps from the ambulance, which I hope literally was like a jump, immediately drops to the ground.

Quote, this is she informed bone break who arrested her. Quote, I gave up when I should. She wants credit for that. I gave up when I should. That was a detail that caught my ear was she leapt out and immediately went down. That's weird. To leap and then hit the ground. She lost the tires and was like, fuck it, I'm done.

She saw cops and she probably hit it. On her way to the Douglas County Jail, Christy Lynn Woods seemed truly astonished by the whole string of events. Quote, oh my God, I can't believe I just did that, she said. She loves herself. How old is she, do you say? We're going to get to it. We're going to get to guess that, too. She was booked on 13 charges,

including assault, interfering with an EMT, criminal mischief, and reckless driving. Criminal mischief is my favorite. I know. Criminal mischief. Wow. SVU. So, court records show she has multiple run-ins with law in recent years.

In February, she was convicted of attempting to clobber bar patrons. Clobber. I know. That's why I love her. Clobber seems like you're hitting someone in the side of the head. Like her arm is like a beaver tail, and she's just like. Was it the thing, clobber in time? Yeah.

It's clobber in time. That was the thing, yeah. He was the journalist, and he's like, you know what? I'm going to get the word clobber kind of back into the current contemporary lexicon. Clobber is. She was convicted of attempting to go. I mean, bar patrons were gobsmacked. She was trying to clobber the hell out of them.

She was running for clobbering. She was convicted of attempting to clobber bar patrons with a bottle at the Idle Hour Tavern. Which, add that to the dumb people time walking to. The Idle Hour. The Idle Hour. Idle Hour Tavern. It's happy hour at the hour. I've seen a lot of people

clobbered over there. They have a sign inside right when you walk in. No clobbering. You want to clobber? Go somewhere else. No clobbering. We want to clobber? Go somewhere else. No clobbering. We know you're going to want to clobber. You're going to want to clobber people. All we ask is that you don't do it in here.

This time she may have taken things a bit too far. She seemed to concede to bone break. Quote, piss. I'm going to prison. She told the cops. She knew. Piss. I'm going to prison. She told the cops. Piss, I'm going to prison. There's a lot of interesting vocab choices. Yeah.

I gave up when I should. It's in Southern Oregon? Yeah. I'm going to prison. Drats. I'm going to ask you guys now. Clobber.

How old is Christy Lynn Woods? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Wow. This is tough. Do you have any pictures of her the age. Wow. This is tough.

Do you have any pictures of her? Nope. Wow. We do not have any pictures of her. By the way, sometimes, John, you see a picture and it makes it harder. It doesn't help you. Because you're like, okay, this is what I was thinking and I'm looking at this meth head. I want to invite her to a show.

Are we going to find out eventually? Yeah, I'm going to tell you guys. But I'm going to be in Portland on the 3rd of November and Eugene on the 4th. No, maybe switch those around. 3rd and 4th I'll be in Eugene in Portland, Oregon. Go to danielvankirk.com and I hope Christy Lynn Woods comes out too.

Oh, piss. Show up. I'm going to a comedy show. I hope Bone Break shows up. Like with his baton in his hand just slapping it. Ready to clobber someone. I'd love to meet Bone Break. I want to meet Bone Break. And I want him to be like little. Where do you want to go?

First Tig or third? I'll go first what? Tig. So Tig was in here. We were like, do you want to go first or last? And she's like, why can't I go second? So now that's the Tig spot. It's the Tig spot.

So you can go first, Tig, or third. I'll go last. Okay. Jason or Randy? How old do you think she is? I think this woman is 32 years old, and it looks like she's like 49. Right. Yeah.

Okay. Wait, so what are you going with? 32. I think she's 27. Okay. And close to death. 27. 32, 27.

I'm going to say 37. Mm-hmm. All right, John. She's a grandma, so she's like she could be a grandma. Fine. Okay, so let's review. Yeah'm going to say 37. All right, John. She could be a grandma. She's like, she could be a grandma. Fine. Okay, so let's review. Jason says?

32. Randy says? 27. 27. 37. 37. One of you. Stop. Is exactly right.

No! Oh, we get to do this. Come on. No. This time I think it's me again. We're going deeper. We're going deeper. We're going deeper.

30 miles. You get to guess again who you think is right. Jason? I'm right. I know she's 32. Okay. Randy? I think it's me.

27th. Oh, man. I'm not making the same mistake twice. If I lose, it's okay. I feel like part of me thought, oh, she's got to be just young, but I went 37. I don't know. Fuck. Who do you think's on the money? This is so great that this happened that we get to do it twice.

I know. Twice in one story. I'll go with me again. All right. Okay. Maybe I'm right this time. Tony, let's get your answers in right now for this round of Guess the AG. This is my favorite thing is that there are like thousands of people now who are listening

to this just at work or somewhere on the subway or something. Or exercising, just shouting a number out. Glazer! Some of them might have guessed one of your numbers, so they think, I'm right! I am right on the subway. I'm right! Christy Linwoods,

the woman who went 30 miles into a chase before knowing when to give up and telling everyone she's a good driver. She gave up when she should. Yeah, she's, I think she's... Oh, piss. Is 37 years old.

Yeah! Please! Yeah! Oh, my God. We found her. Holy shit. We saw a picture of her. Oh, look at her.

She has a look on her face like, what are you going to do? She's proud of herself. She's proud of herself. She's proud of herself. That'll be up on the Facebook page. That is a shit-eating grin if I've ever seen a shit-eating grin. That's like a bowl of shit just went into her mouth. Look at that.

All right. That's terrifying. First story, Glazer showing off his skills. On fire with a sigh. We'll talk about what he's got going on after the break. One story down in the books. We've got two more to go. This is Dump People Town.

Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound.. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We're still wowing

on the picture of Christy Lynn Woods. She just looked really proud of herself. Yeah, she's like, look what I did. And also didn't look like the type of person

that would steal an ambulance. I don't know what I'm thinking of. But she also kind of looked like the aunt that your mom doesn't trust. I thought it was going to be Christy with a K. Oh, yeah. I thought it was going to be K-R-I-S-T-I-E. She is more made in the image of Christ. Wow.

She's Christy-like. Christy Lynn Woods. Christy Lynn Woods. C-O-Dubs. John Glazer has a fantastic show on TruTV. If you haven't watched it, it's called John Glazer Loves Gear. And it's coming out out a new season is coming out we know we have you a little early it's not

coming out till January early January is what I'm hearing early January 2019 great that's exciting because we're part of season three of Those Who Can't which is another great show on TruTV I think it's also coming out early January I think there's like a launch of a new yeah I think they're going to launch a bunch of shows

from what I was told, like a lot of their scripted shows. They're going to do this big block of shows with those two. I'm sorry. Andrew Savage's show is really great. I think Sedaris' show will be on in February. Get on it. I'm not sure. Get on it.

I love the gear show. It's so funny. It's a show that is a gear show, but it's a sketch show. I mean, it's everything. You slipped so much into it, being the guise of like you just loving gear. funny it's a show that is a gear show but it's a sketch i mean it's everything it's a blip so much into it being the guise of like you just loving gear what you do anyway oh yeah it comes from a genuine place do you get some of the gear from that show a little bit a little bit i got these shoes those are and these shorts yeah what's the best thing you've gotten on the show through

the show from doing it the best thing i got was in the first season i got a custom-made bike frame what yes yeah and it was one of these things where i kind of i almost felt bad because we had this idea for this cycling episode where i just get a new bike and i decided oh i'm gonna get a custom frame that's pretty cool and i got i couldn't go all out because that would have been phenomenally expensive but i still got a really cool custom-made bike. That you use now in New York? Oh, I ride it all the time in New York. And even at one point I thought, oh, this is so funny.

I got a free custom bike. I got the network paid for me to get a custom bike. And then someone pointed out that I actually got paid to get a custom bike. Yes. I'm getting paid for it. They paid for the show. So even worse. You got paid to go shopping for yourself. That's They paid for it. So even worse, you got paid to go shopping

for yourself. That's fantastic. That's awesome. That is awesome. Yeah, there's a little bit of free shit involved. That's good. Awesome.

You deserve it. New season already shot in the can. What are you the most excited about to come out in the new season of shows without tipping the hand? Right.

That's a very tough question. Let me see. And what's the the quick and i don't know there's so much so much good stuff yeah i could just let's just sit here in a minute a solid minute of dead air while we can always pull it up don't pull it up tease us with one thing don't pull it up then tease us we won't pull it up let's just sit here like with an episode give us an example of an upcoming episode from the new season uh one example is uh we do a basketball episode but i've just gotten

a vasectomy and so i'm in pain so i decide to join a wheelchair basketball league because i because i'm still in pain oh god and then i try to act like oh you know we're like you know you know we're all like a band of brothers in our chairs and just like a total dick and uh we got some really incredible basketball player wheelchair holy player holy shit man so Murderball is like what's the name of the league the documentary I don't

was that basketball or was that more like wheelchair rugby or something like that I think it was ooh I don't think it was basketball

it wasn't it might have been rugby yeah but it does feel I can't remember either I don't know I thought it was these guys are these guys were so unbelievable

and we apparently had a guy that was the LeBron James named Patrick Anderson. I believe. You should double check and make sure I didn't get that wrong. He's amazing. I mean, all these guys are incredible. They're just like draining shots from everywhere. But also just flying in their chairs really fast.

Great passing. High school level. How reckless they are. Like just literally the way NBA guys would throw their bodies into the lane. Like when you see a guy in the NBA, or even college basketball, drive the lane and just go up in the air, and you're like, you're going to fall.

If this guy goes underneath you or undercuts you, you're going straight down. These guys just throw their bodies all around in just an unbelievable way. Well, these guys, there's just a high skill level. It was very impressive to watch and also take part. I played in a game, and it was just embarrassing. But it was really fun.

I can't wait to see that. That's great. It's awesome. New season. Top of January. Maybe we'll have you back on right around then to remind people, but we love that you're here right now. Here we go. This was sent in by Is this a new story? Yeah. Tim E

at the underscore Timothy I E Y E. Sends in a lot. Takes place in Seattle. Alright, here-E. Sends in a lot. Yeah, great dude. Takes place in Seattle. All right, here we go. So there's a chance Bonebreaker's in this one. Could be.

Maybe he's on vacation, drove up to Seattle. John has now made him like a James Bond villain, calling him Bonebreaker. Bonebreaker. Bonebreaker. Bonebreak. It's Bonebreak. All right, here we go. A man who told police that he just wanted alone time to masturbate in the woods is charged

with felony indecent exposure for an incident that escalated into a tussle. We've gone from clobbering to tussling. Yeah, sure. With a passerby on a Maple Valley nature trail. Okay, if you're in the woods, that is not alone time. No. There are lots of other things. I understand.

It depends on where you are, though. Your own property out in the woods. If a guy masturbates in the woods and no one sees it, does it really happen? Unfortunately. I don't know. But was he on a nature trail? If you're going to jerk it in the woods, go off the trail a ways.'t know. Was he on a nature trail? If you're going to jerk it in the woods,

go off the trail a ways. You can't be on the Appalachian Trail. I understand that you have your kinks, but you can't expose unwilling people to your kinks. Can we just establish that as a rule? Unless that's part of what got him excited. Then it's not your alone time. Well, that's what he's going to tell people I want alone time.

He's not going to come right out and say, my thing is that I like to almost get caught. Was he on the switchback? Well, then you failed at that. Well, he really got caught. He really got caught. I'm going to be in Seattle on November 1st. I don't want this guy at my show. Do not go to Dan's show if you're in Seattle.

Okay. But it's also rude to the animals. A gopher doesn't want to see you jerk off. You know what they're like? They're like, come on, man. This is my house, man. I live here, man. Also, animals, if they really understood what you were doing, they're like, that's wasteful.

But they don't. They don't. Maybe they're fascinated. Maybe it's like, oh, okay, let's check this out. What's he doing? What is that? That seems weird. It looks like he's beating himself up.

Yeah, what is that thing? Why is that? It's got an itch. Maybe they're himself up. Yeah, what is that thing? Why is that? He's got an itch. Maybe they're curious. Maybe they're smart. You don't know. I don't know. You're making grand assumptions about beasts.

I am making huge assumptions about the animals and what they like. It was on the Maple Valley Nature Trail. Kenton Scholl admitted to police he was, quote, jerking off along the Lake Wilderness Trail about 20 miles southeast of Seattle. Wasn't that a documentary about music in the South? Kitten shoals? No, it's muscle shoals. But found himself tussling with a man who took offense to his actions and tried to summon police.

The incident occurred about 7 p.m. on September 18th when 911 callers reported a naked man fighting someone in the trail. Now imagine you just don't know what led up to this. I'm going to say this about the guy. If you saw someone jerking off on a trail, if you were with your kids, I would say wait, and I'd be like, hey, get out of here. Like you'd scare it off like it was like a raccoon. Go on, get, hey, get out.

When you see a guy jerking off in nature, you make, hey, get out of here. What you do is you make. Stand behind me, kids. Watch how daddy deals with this. You try to get as! When you see a guy jerking off in nature, you make... Hey, get out of here. What you do is you... Stand behind me, kids. Watch how daddy deals with this. You try to get as big as... You make yourself look as big as possible. Hold your backpack up in the air and just stomp and make a lot of noise.

Society no longer allows you to think you have the right to show people your genitals. Unwillingly. Get out of here! Get on the Supreme Court. But imagine walking up to me and like, the Supreme Court. Time to go. But imagine walking up to me and like, honey, this is a great walk. Is that a naked guy fighting another man in the ditch up there? Yeah, that's the other group of people who see the thing that's happening.

Yeah, who come upon. But so why would you fight the guy? Like, it is like... And then he said he was trying to call the police? Yeah. When deputies arrived at the scene, they heard, quote, crashing. I guess somebody was watching Pete Holmes' show. Yes.

Coming from a ditch and found two men, Shaw, who appeared to have a bloodied mouth and a 42-year-old man both covered in mud and dirt. They are wrassling in the ditch. They're going at it. Which, by the way... And cum. And cum. And lots of mud.

Mud, dirt, cum. And cum. And lots and lots. 42 years old. Mud, dirt, cum. Bone break. When you were young and you heard someone like was 42 years old, that sounds like an old guy fighting this guy. That old guy fighting that guy? Sure. Wow. All right.

That's now like nine years younger than us. That old guy. That old guy? That's depressing. 42. When a deputy asked Shaw what happened, he allegedly yelled, There's so many people in today's stories who are just, I'm a good driver. I knew when I was arrested.

I gave up when I should. So the cop goes, what happened here? Right? To which Shaw responds, quote, He found me with my dick in my hand jerking off and he kicked my ass. Oh, wow. I just love this guy's... Daddy raised me to be a straight shooter. Here's what happened. He walked up on me.

I was trying to shoot it straight. He walked up on me with my dick in my hand. I was jerking off. He then beat the shit out of me for said dick in my hand. So do you think he's trying to get sympathy? He said that to get sympathy from the cops. Oh, you're probably... Randy, you're going down the right wilderness trail.

He contended that he never had... Listen, all I was trying to do was jerk off in a public place, and then this guy comes up and kicks my ass. And now I'm the bad guy? Do you think he's saying that to you? Like, I'm not in a parking lot. I'm not where I thought people would see me. I'm off in the woods. I'm not a discovery zone in a ball pit. I'm out here

in the... He contended, quote, that he never had any... My own ball pit. He never had any alone time and said that while he walked on the trail, he found a private location and began jerking off. Never had any alone time. That's what he said. Okay, this is like your first date. Did you describe this on this podcast?

The first date you had with this girl in New York. When we lived in New York. Yeah, you did tell the story once. It's a long time ago. It's worth telling again. So I went out with this woman on our first date, and it was a nice date. We were having a good time. This is like before in New York, like the High Line,

before they even developed the path that everybody used to roll their blade down to Chelsea Piers, pre-Chelsea Piers. It was just those long piers out there. And we were in the West Village. That's where she lived, and we were just taking a big walk and talking, and I was like, let's go out on the pier. That'd be so fun. And we were just taking a big walk and talking. And I was like, let's go out on the pier.

That'd be so fun. So we walk out on a dark pier. Smart. Smart. Good choice. But you do look back and you can see the whole city. And it's beautiful. The most beautiful thing.

I'm like, this is a great spot for us to make out if we're going to make out or talk or whatever. We were having a good time. Push in the water. Or talk. Or talk. After make out. Continue to talk. So we're out there. We're. Pushing the water. Or talk. Or talk. Continue to talk. So we're out there.

We're looking back at the city. And this is what I said to her. Because I thought we were alone. And then I realized very quickly we were not alone. And I'm trying to normalize everything. I'm like, this is the most amazing view. We can see the World Trade Center, Empire State Building, Two Guys Fuckings, Chrysler Building.

Like seven feet away from us, the sound of balls hitting an ass. And it could have been a man and a woman fight. It didn't matter that they were same sex, but... The same sound as the CPR, right? Yes. And I was like, how did I not see that? Did that happen? Did they get there after we got

here? And we didn't hear them. It just felt like this is a time where you could, and New York City is the type of place that would allow two people to, if it's two men, to get a hotel room if they wanted. And they didn't care that we were there. I mean, he was hammering it home. It was a hard way to get out of it. They were there for the same reason you were.

Same reason. Talk. Romantic spot. Talk. And it just went a little farther than what you're. But I was like, if you want to do that, you got to go farther out. Like, you need to be at a place that's further away. But still, it to me reminds me of like why you can't get any alone time.

Like, there's no bathroom for you to go into. Like, you get honestly. He contended he never had any alone time. No alone time. And he wanted to find a private location and began jerking off. I'm the cop. Can you stop saying jerking off? Like, I get what you're doing, buddy.

You're proclaiming it every chance you get. Yanking the crank. Yeah. The man told the 42-year-old man that he got in a fight with, told a deputy that he and his wife saw Shaw above the trail, so he hit him and placed him in a chokehold. He reportedly told Shaw, how you doing, Mike Bonebrake? My brother's a cop.

Snap! I'm gonna go put that guy's dick in a chokehold. He reportedly told Shaw to stay put while someone's struggling with police. His dick in a chokehold? He was already doing that. He was doing it. I'm gonna do it for him.

He later explained that he saw Shaw facing away from them and asked what he was doing, during which time Shawl put his clothes back on. This is before the fight? Put your clothes back on, I'm going to fight you. When a fight happens, the shirt comes off. Can I say, have you ever walked into a bathroom and seen a grown person with

their peeing in a urinal but pants all the way down? Always a sweet move, yeah. Very strange. Pants at the ankles kind of thing? Yeah, all the way down. Does he have to get yeah. Very strange. Pants at the ankles kind of? Yeah, all the way down. Does he have to get totally naked to jerk off? That's another thing, too. That is another odd part of this story. He had to go put his clothes...

To me, like, okay, you're jerking off on the woods. Just put your dick back in and zip back up your pant. Like, you are going an extra mile. Can I give kudos to the 42-year-old guy who was able to sustain his anger throughout the putting on of clothes? You know what I mean? You gotta put socks on.

I'm gonna kick your ass, man. Hang on, hang on. I apologize, Randy. I had it wrong. The cop said he explained that he saw Shawl facing away from him, so the cop talks to the 42-year-old, and he's like, he's right over there. And then that's when, during which time, Shawl put his clothes back on. Shawl allegedly said said this is another great quote why didn't he leave to the

cop quote this is shaw bro already you are going the wrong way we're talking to the cop bro let me talk to you bone break let me talk i got this i'll talk i mean speak cop speak here bro he said quote bro cut me some slack i was just in the woods masturbating, minding my own business. Just can't a guy try and take care of his needs? He makes a good case. He does make a case. I know this is another fairly solid case in a court of law. What, they left the keys?

It was unlocked and the key's in the ignition. You can't do that. Someone is at fault here, and it's not me. I'm just trying to take care of my needs. That lawyer's like, I say we go with this cut some slack. Yeah, your honor. I mean, his next argument is like, I'm not in an elementary school. Bro, cut me some slack.

Cut me some slack. I'm in the woods. Just stop. No, he's like, I think what he was saying was cut me some slacks. Like, literally cut open some slack. Deputies arrested Scholl and took him to an emergency room for treatment of his injuries because he got his ass kicked, as he proclaimed.

Wow. He, this is Schull, declined to pursue charges against the man who attacked him. Oh, that's nice. He's kind of like, he got me. Okay, all right.

He's a good guy. Listen, man, he's a good guy. A guy's got to do what a guy's got to do. Right. He shouldn't. He should have just pressed charges.

That's so mean. You know what? Fuck it. Yeah. I'm going after him. Fuck this guy, man. Dare this guy interview. Fight with me in a ditch.

How old is Kenton Shaw? The guy who was masturbating. Who said he was trying to be alone, but needs to be better at that if that's what he wants to do. Now we have to understand, how are you not getting the alone time you need and that you gotta go out and roommate? Because for the record, I have no issue with someone masturbating in the woods. Are you believing that? Are you buying the fact that he can't get any alone time you need and that you got to go out. Because for the record, I have no issue with someone masturbating in the woods. Are you believing that? Are you buying the fact that he can't get any alone time anywhere? No, I don't believe that.

But I'm okay with him doing it in the woods. I have an issue where people are like, watch me jerk off. Dan, I think he has, there's something else in what he has, which is not. He wants to get caught. He wants to get, he wants to almost get caught. Like for him, probably the thing, it's like a version of autodidactic asphyxiation. He wants to live get caught. For him, probably the thing, it's like a version of autofixiation. He wants to live on the edge. This is the most, quote-unquote, unpublic public space that he can go to.

It's like, I can claim I'm in the woods, but I'm close enough to the trail that if someone comes in, that's how he finishes. And then he zips up and he's out of there, or gets his clothes back on and he's out of there. He just didn't realize that a 42-year-old guy. How old do you think that guy is that got beat up by a 42-year-old? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age.

Guess the age. Are we good? Can I? I'm gonna go first? Yeah, it's Glazer's choice. First, Tigger, third. Where do you want to go? What did I do? You went third and you went first. All right, I'm going to go first? Yeah, it's Glazer's choice. First, Tigger, third. Where do you want to go? What did I do?

You went third and you went first. All right, I'll go second. Okay. Okay, go Tigger. All right, so I'm going to say he's 39. 39 from Jason Sklar, John Glazer. 25. 25.

Yeah, this is a tough one. This is a tough one. I see why John went 25. This is like someone who hasn't lived long enough in the world to know what's going on. I'm going to go completely off the map here and say 58. 58? Yeah. Wow.

40-year-old guy did kick his ass. Yeah. 58. 58 from Randy. John, what did you say? 25. 25. And Jay?

What did I say? 38? No, I don't remember. 39? 20, 25. And Jay? What did I say? 38? No, I don't remember. 39? Go with whatever feels right. Go with whatever feels right. I'll say 39. 39, okay.

Get your answers in now, townies, for this round of Death of the Ageing. Because Kenton Shaw is 55 years old. Oh! Jesus! Wow! That was good thinking. 55 years old, you! Jesus! Wow! That was good thinking. 55 years old, you don't know how to find alone time? Set in his ways.

The bro really, I'm like, he's a young guy. The bro. Oh, yeah, bro threw you. 55. 55. Yeah. Bro, cut me some slack. Bro, I'm a 55-year-old who uses the word bro.

Cut me some slack. Does that offend you the most? That's worse. That's the worst part of what he did. Ever use bro. How dare you? Put your hands offend you the most? That's worse. That's the worst part of what he did. Ever use bro. How dare you. Put your hands up. I thought he said this.

Story number two. Jerking in the woods. We got one more story. Dan, can you tease it? What do we have coming at the end? As opposed to usually having facts, this has so many questions to it. Great. I love it.

I love a story that raises more questions. Than it answers. All right, we got one more story. John Glazer, Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more D than it answers. All right, we got one more story. John Glazer, Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Follow John Glazer on social media. You're on Twitter? Nope. Nope. We're on Instagram. John G-L-A-Y.

No, sorry. That's right, Instagram. I'm on Instagram. Yeah. It's J. I think if you were to do a search, like just with my normal spelling, you'd find it. But it's J-A-H-N-G-L-A-Y-Z-E-R. Because by the time I joined, my real name was already taken.

Follow him. John Glazer. Follow him up. You'll find out what he's doing. Any live shows that you're doing coming up I know you just

came off this one here in LA anything in New York I'm trying to think nothing coming up right away alright Lars

what about you guys yes we will be well first of all all three of us oh as this drops this drops tomorrow this week we are doing

the premiere episode of Live From Here Live From Here which is the for NPR it's a show it's kind of like

a Prairie Home Companion nice Tom Papa Papa hosts it we're flying out on Red Eyes on Friday night to go to St. Paul

we're going to do stand up and they're going to dirty projectors are on the show very excited to do this show should be really fun we're going to do stand up and a sketch

so that's happening and then the next weekend is the, next week is the All Things Comedy Festival. No, two weeks later. Two weeks later, I'm sorry. Two weeks later is

All Things Comedy Festival in Phoenix on the 25th. We're doing a live Dumb People Town. They just moved venues to a smaller venue. Oh, okay. So make sure you get your tickets.

Get tickets. Always a great sign. Always a great sign. Means we're selling great. No, here's the deal. That will sell out because it was on its way anyway. If you are in Phoenix, you want to do it. And then the next

night, Randy and I are headlining at the Tempe Improv and you? I will be starting the second leg of my tour November 1st in Seattle. I want to let people know, I just added a couple dates. So we have San Diego on the 8th of November and then I'm going to be back in

Phoenix at Stand Up Live on November 14th of November and then I'm going to be back in Phoenix at Stand Up Live on November 14th as part of my Together Tour go to DanielVanKirk.com I'm hitting up the West Coast

in the next few weeks so if you're in that area chances are I'm coming by you we'll remind them and then we're in Austin, Texas at Cap City Comedy Club

November 7th through the such a great club we love it and then live Dumb People Town at Largo that's happening December 10th in LA we don't then a live Dumb People time at Largo. That's happening on December 10th. Oh, yeah, December 10th in L.A.

We don't do a lot of live shows in L.A. Largo, Los Angeles, this show live. Supersclaros.com. Check the dates. Check the rhyme. Okay, before we jump into this last story, and I love this last story. I'm excited. We have to talk about The Drip, and we have to mention that we are so-

So much fun happening over there. Thank you to everyone who has joined the Drip. Interviews with people from stories, you telling stories, us doing stories that had only ever been heard by a room full of people that was never recorded. There's just a lot of great exclusive things and interactions and fun times

with people who are a part of this town. I'm going to name a few of these people right now. Do you want to dig into it? Dan, I'm going to dig into it. If you want to hear your name, join up, guys. Yeah, just join the Drip. Go to d. Do you want to dig into it? Dan, I'm going to dig into it. If you want to hear your name, join up, guys. Go to d.rip slash dpt.

Join it at any rate. And we are raising money for Jan Flato as well. So you can be a part of that, too. Michael Graves. Thank you very much. We have a Graves situation. I'm digging it. I'm digging it. Michael Graves, I'm digging him. Nancy Gilligan.

Off the island and into the town. Mike Cersei. Yeah. Cersei. Cersei, I'm so happy he's on. Sarah Dunn. Sarah Dunn. She's done.

She's done it again. How do you know when it's Dune and Dunn? I think it's Dunn. Two N's gives you the Dunn, right? Two N's gives you the Dunn. She's literally done it again. She's at the highest level. Sarah, you've done it again.

Yeah. Teresa Rodriguez, thank you very much. Right. Bryce Bettman. Bryce Bettman. Bryce Bettman. Bryce Bettman is crushing it. You know what? I love this name, Helmut von Schmidt.

Helmut von Schmidt is the greatest character from an old, like a Charles Dickens novel. Charlie Day fan, thank you very much. I'm a Charlie Day fan, too. Yeah, yeah. Kevin Fairchild. Actually, we're going to have to make it out of here. Everybody who has one name, one dollar, does not get a shot up. I'm sorry, sorry. Yeah Yeah Kevin Fairchild Actually We're gonna have to Make it out of here Everybody who has one name Does not get One dollar

Does not get a shot up I'm sorry sorry Yeah yeah It's alright Just go from Bryce again Okay Bryce Bettman Bryce Bettman

BB I'm betting on that guy Can't find a Bettman Does that work? Can't find a Bryce Bettman Chapin Chapin Just one word

I know It's like the sting Of drip members What was the band That was Chapin something? Harry Chapin Harry Chapin? Just one word. I know. It's like the sting of Drip members. What was the band that was Chapin something? Harry Chapin? Carpenter? The cats in the cradle and the drip is sweet. I can't believe how Chapin has grown up so quickly and turned out to be just like us.

He turned out to be in my Chapins just like me. You guys are singing a biography of my early life. Blair Grumman. Grumman? Grumman. Blair Grumman. Brendan Newton. Newton! I love all these people. Blair Grumman Grumman Brendan Newton I love all these people

guys we're like we're signaling our townies yeah Talitha Baxter thank you Talitha never heard that name before

I absolutely love it me too Jesse Falk Jesse Falk the Marshall Falk of Drip members in the best way Matthew Reichbach

Reichbach Reichbach at you buddy Reichbach at you buddy and everybody Reichbach at you, buddy. And everybody who has donated to it. We really, really appreciate it. And we'll keep reading names as you guys keep coming in. Great stuff. Yeah, if you haven't jumped on the Drip, just do it. This is a great way to get extra.

D.rip slash DPT. It's a great way. Sign up right now. I want to build this up to 5,000. I think we're on 500 right now, which is we're on our roll. But let's just keep doing it. Let's keep building it up. I mean, we're going to do our end.

We're going to keep doing fun stuff and the merch and all those. And people looking for those details, all that stuff is going to be released hopefully this week. So you'll know how to get your tickets, get your merch, and all the other fun stuff that you're going to get to do with us. We'll probably do some sort of a meet and greet for the one on October 25th. We'll do one at the one at Largo too. Yeah, it's all good. Yeah. I had one of our townies hit me up on Twitter and said, hey, just bought my tickets.

I'm flying to LA for the Largo show. Yeah. And they're going to get to do that meet and greet. So if you want to do that stuff too, guys, if you just want to have more fun with us in this town, just go to Drip and become a member of the Drip campaign. So let's get into the story, shall we? Yeah. Sent in by Casey Dudek at CaseDD76. to drip and become a member of the drip campaign. So let's get into the story, shall we? Yeah.

Sent in by Casey Dudek at case DD 76. A dude. Dudek. Casey Dudes. Sounds like something I knew from Chicago. Part of me wanted so much for the next story to have been sent in by Bone Break.

He anticipated he was going to be on the show and just slid one in. I bet he could tell some stories, though. I bet Bone Break, yeah. Just, let's get he could tell some stories, though. I bet Bone Break, yeah, just, let's get, if you're out there, if someone knows Bone Break,

okay, someone who's listening, if someone who's listening to this podcast. Like, I would go as Bone Break for Halloween. Like, we have to make choices. I don't want to be anything. That's what I want to go as.

Who are you? Chris Brobeck. Come on, dude, you don't know? What? I mean. So, yeah, Casey Dudick sent this in. Thank you, Casey.

Also, I want to say really quick, we talked about that live Dumb People Town. Guys, check the Facebook page and the Twitter at Dumb People Town, Dumb People Town on Facebook because we'll have the updates there for people who are Drip members and want to come to the live shows as well as get their merch. We're getting all that stuff sorted out. Yeah, please join the Drip. If you haven't joined the drip, join it. According to dispatch logs,

yesterday afternoon, I love when they write to just the people in the room. They're writing an article to whoever was around. You guys remember yesterday around 3? We're not going to date this anyway. Why would we? According to dispatch logs, yesterday afternoon beginning around 2.27pm.

Around 2.27pm.m. Around. Around 2.27 p.m. You know, general specific. They're not sure. That's fine. The Harney County Sheriff's Office responded to the report of a suspicious vehicle on Highway 20. What constitutes that? I have no idea.

A call came in from someone at Riley Store and Archery, which is a place I have to go. Riley Store and Archery. What do they place I have to go. Riley's Store and Archery. What do they sell? And they also do archery. While you're waiting to buy, like, flooring, you can go out back and shoot arrows. That'd be fun. Okay, so this is something that you don't contend with so much. We have a wait.

Great. But they're, like, there are car washes in L.A. I specifically think of one on Vermont and, like, Prospect. You would go in and you're waiting for your car to get washed. And then you walk into the area. And, of course, they've got, like, all the stuff you need for your car. Like, the little trees that smell good. And then they've got this one, this particular place.

You know, they've got greeting cards and other stuff that you would get while you're waiting. Then I saw, like, stacks like stacks of like Italian loafers. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Then there is like, then there are bongs. Then there were like Chinese throwing stars. What? Are you at Carnival?

That was like, who is, I'm imagining. Who's buying for this? Who's the one-stop shopper there? It's the guys. How many times have they been asked, you guys got any loafers? No. And they were asked enough times, I guess we got to start stocking loafers. It was the guy who owns it.

His sister-in-law was like, you have a retail selling license. Why don't you let me sell some stuff here? How about the guy who's like, you got any loafers? No. You got any Chinese Tony's toys? Yes. Yeah, we do. We do.

We're out of loafers. See? I just wonder what this store sells. I wanted to sell everything and then also like, hey, man, before you leave, we got some bow and arrow. You can shoot a bow and arrow if you want. Jeez. So a call came in from someone at Riley Store and Archery, which I hope means I'm being

like, I do not want to be identified. No, do not say who I am. Oh, my God. Advising dispatch of a topless female in gray sweatpants outside a damaged blue Subaru lying on the concrete in the post office parking lot. Wow. So someone from Riley Store and Archery sees across the street, I guess, at the post office parking lot, and there's a half-naked woman in gray sweatpants lying on the ground next to a

damaged Subaru. Wow. That's a lot of details. So when a woman goes topless, by design, she's usually not wearing sweatpants on the bottom. Is that fair to say? So something went wrong. Something happened wrong to get her to this place. A few minutes

later, she had her... This is what I'm talking about. So many questions. A few minutes later... She had her... This is what I'm talking about. We have so many questions. Knocked her top off. A few minutes later, reports came in of the female who was now armed with a sword attempting to gain entry into the Riley store and archery.

Guys, this is an archery store. This isn't a sword store. She brought a sword to an arrow fight. You gotta go down the street to... Dave's Greening Cards and sword play. But imagine that. So Riley calls, somebody at Riley Archery

and Store, whatever, calls up and tries to get ahead of this because she's over in the post office parking lot. At some point, she now, she's coming here.

Don't. Guys, lock it. She is coming here. This is why I call the cops. But when she's laying down in topless and gray sweatpants, she seems like the victim. Right. Like a minute later, she has a sword and she's laying down in topless in gray sweatpants, she seems like the victim. Right.

But like a minute later, she has a sword and she's trying to gain entry into something. By the way, tons of websites of just a topless woman wielding a sword. That has to be a website. Topless sweats and swords. Another great store. I'll go to that store too. Sweats and swords. Sweats and swords.

Sweats and swords. Swords and swords. Was it Karen Kilgareff's episode Where we tried to think of a hundred sword stores Yeah A few minutes later reports came in Sorted out Our sordid past

Oh man Live by it Live by it A few minutes later Reports came in of the female like I said Who was with a sword, attempting to gain entry into Riley's store. A few minutes later, it was reported the woman left the area at a high rate of speed. So that Subaru is still working. Okay, hold on a second.

So she's in a bus. If I see a woman with a sword run to a thing, part of me is like she might be in trouble. I'm actually on her side. If she's got a sword? Yeah, but like maybe someone's chasing her down with a bigger weapon. That's, like, in my brain. It's like, she's coming here for help. With a sword.

Yes. I don't know. I don't know either. The laying down, I would be like, go help her. Go help her. The sword part, I'm like, run. Yeah, go back inside and lock it in. Let her tire herself out out there. Yeah, she'll run it out. A few minutes later,

it was reported that the woman left the area at a high rate of speed, but not before stealing the American flag from the Riley post office and wrapping herself in it. That is the new America. USA. USA. If ever there was something that could describe

the United States of America right now. Law enforcement caught up with the suspect, who was not named on the logs, at the Sage Hen rest stop and took her into custody. What goes down at the Sage Hen? I have no idea. Whatever goes down, it stays. Country Hen, right? We used to be like a gas station. Country Hen?

I don't know. The Brown Hen? That was in Chicago. There was like a Brown hen, I think. I don't know if sage hen. I remember going to rest stops and just getting hunky dory. Remember that? No.

Hunky dory was like thick caramel corn with pecan nuts in it, but it always came in like a tin. It was like poppycock. Yeah, poppycock. That sounds good right now. It's really good. Sheriff Ward advised dispatch that reports were taken for theft of the third degree, I guess. It literally says theft, Roman numeral I, Roman numeral I, Roman numeral I. Then DUI with an extra I.

I don't know if these are typos or some sort of degree. DUII? Yeah. Disorderly conduct, II, and detox hold due to meth intoxication. She was meth drunk. Meth out. Meth out. Wow.

She was logged into the Harney County Jail facility, and they'll be transmitting her to Portland. And it says at the end- Where she's going to do a one-woman show. That's so Portland, man. File under Baker and Grant counties. Well, you know what then? When I do my Portland show, come on out.

She can feature. There are a lot of strip clubs in Portland that parade as just restaurants. I mean, there's stripping everywhere in Portland. But let's be honest. If you're in Portland, would you be thrown back if a woman was walking draped in the flag, half naked, carrying a sword? No. No. You'd be like, are we going to the bookstore or not?

Yeah. Yeah, it does feel very, like, hipstery. Yeah. Like, there's this part of that in what she's wearing, maybe the sweat. Right. Such a weird story. Her car was damaged.

We don't know why her car was damaged. We don't know why she was laying down. We don't know where the sword came from. Also, laying down naked in the post office parking lot, that is government office. Oh, you probably could get something extra for that. And then took the flag. Taking the flag. Taking the flag from the post office, lot. That is government office. Oh, you probably could get something extra for that. And then took the flag. Taking the flag.

Taking the flag from the post office, I believe, and then she probably didn't fold it properly. Did she use the sword to chop it down? I have no... These are the questions. That would be amazing. I don't know. Chop it down.

That's story number three. I hope she said Hassan Chop when she did it. Said what? Hassan Chop. You know that from Bugs Bunny? Yeah hope she said Hassan Chop when she did it. Said what? Hassan Chop. You know that from Bugs Bunny? Yeah. Hassan Chop. All right, that's a third story, guys.

There you go. There's the show. Wow. Some dumb behavior. We tried to understand it today. I think we did some. We met Bone Break. We met Bone Break.

We met Bone Break and we'll never be the same. I think we can literally classify John Glazer's life pre-Bone Break and post-Break. That's for a lot of people. You're a different guy now that you know bone break is out in this world. Those are both PB. PB. Pre-B and post-BB. Should it be like, yeah, BBAB. Yeah, before bone break and after

bone break. BB and A. Watch John Glazer Loves Gear. Here's what you do. Hey, can they watch old seasons of John Glazer Loves Gear like on truetv.com? Probably. I would imagine. Something like that. Catch up and it'll become your favorite show and then you'll have anticipation for January

when it comes out again. Come see us live. Join the drip and oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb