Dumb People Town - Jon Hamm - Bring In The Nerp

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

World-class actor Jon Hamm journeys on down to Dumb People Town!  The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk chat with Jon about goofing around on the set of Mad Men and his experience going to last year's World Series as a Cardinals fan. Story #1 involves the wrangling of a deer in a super market. Jon tells the tale of his only trip to model-filled Cleveland. The group discusses the Oscars SNAFU and dives into the Marisa Tomei Oscars incident of yesteryear. Story #2 brings to light a series of escalating incidents stemming from a brawl at a wedding rehearsal dinner. Jon speaks of his experience making Keeping Up with the Joneses, meeting Lionel Richie, and his love of St. Louis local commercials. Story #3 involves an alternative way to go through the McDonald's drive through. Steven Seagal leaves a voicemail giving his take on the incident at the Oscars. What's Jon's favorite Girl Scout cookie? Find out on this week's Dumb People Town. 

Feral Audio I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Spread the music. Wish the money hits. And we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Tunk it down. It's Dump People Town. Here we go. Ready? Jay? Yes. You in? I'm i'm in dan you in you're ready you know what i'm out all right that's bad just come in i'm in guys i literally just sat down in here all right everybody nothing it is a long drive i know from the other side of the hill oh yeah it's a long round jesus dan dan seems stupid in the days of uber you

should really just not no he hitched to an uber yeah yeah oh yeah okay then yeah you got it with the uber hitch every time i uber i think i'm gonna start hitching when they pull up act like you've hitched to them yeah can i get in with you man by the way uber hitch has to be like just a thumb on your phone thumb swipe you got a thumb are you Daniel? Uber Hitch has to be like just a thumb on your phone. Thumb swipe. You got a thumb swipe. Are you taking Lyft? Not doing Uber Hitch? Are we started?

Do we already start? We already started the show. This is Dumb People Town. Yes. We start subtly. And our guest is Jon Hamm. Welcome to the show. Hammer.

Hi, guys. Hammer Stein Ballroom. Hammer. Don't hurt them. Don't do that? Don't hurt them. Don't hurt them. Hammer, don't hurt them. Seriously. do that? Don't hurt them. Don't hurt them. Hammer, don't hurt them.

Seriously. There was a moment when Atlanta was up. When they were up in the first half. And I literally was like, as Mr. Burns, begin the thawing of MC Hammer. Because I'm like, he's got to be frozen somewhere. He's cryogenic frozen. He's a giant pair of pants. Whatever happened to that game?

I didn't see the end. Was it okay? Atlanta won. Don't spoil it for me. Don't spoil it. I have it on DVR. Yeah, I gotta watch Game of Thrones first. Game of Thrones. I'm gonna finish up, finally, House of Cards. And then you have to watch two seasons of Mad Men? Why would you have to watch Mad Men?

Well, it's important that I like to revisit it, sort of retroactively. And then you give your notes. And then I give notes. After it's aired. Matt, Matt, wake up. I had some thoughts. Matt, I have a ton of notes on Lane's hanging. Can we make it funnier?

I mean, it's... Can we? I mean... I don't think it can be. I mean, we had to just talk about briefly, that show was so serious, there had to be like multiple takes where you were just fucking around and trying to be always. I mean, there was an episode of the show that I remember shooting called The Suitcase, which

was me and basically like a two hander with me and Lizzie Moss. And for whatever reason, we hadn't like our characters had had like so many like serious things. But for that whole episode, eight days we shot that thing, we were just idiots. Yeah. Goofball idiots. And then like, OK, we're rolling. And then we're like now we're like weeping and sobbing. Both of us.

I remember when I gave up my child. Well, I remember being like an orphaned awful, like, and just weaving them cut. All right. Hey, I got fart sounds. You gotta, you gotta do it. That has to happen. Hi, Dan. Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Dan Venturca is with us. I am. I don't want to bring up any sore moment, but John Dan's a huge Cubs fan. And I want to talk about the half that is sitting on the table right now. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful Cardinals hat. You were wearing that hat at Wrigley during the Cubs playoffs or World Series? World Series.

World Series. I just love that Ham is there for the World Series at Wrigley Field and has to rep the Cardinals. I mean, I don't want you to betray your team. I had this. Okay, so I will tell want you to betray your... That's your team. I had this... Okay, so I will tell you this. It wasn't really that. No, it's just his favorite hat. I, first of all, needed a hat.

Second of all, it wasn't like I was going to wear like a weird Sklar Burrows hat. You could wear that hat. Now I can. Now he can. Now that I have it. Yeah. And thirdly, I had this conversation.

During game five, I gave my awesome Fox network seats that were like 12 rows behind home plate to some friends of mine, one of whom was from Chicago, and her friend. I was like, you guys sit in those seats. I had an extra, like a single. Yeah. I'll go sit in the nosebleeds. Right. That was nice. So I go sit in the nosebleeds right so i go sit in the nosebleeds and i'm like excuse me pardon me hi sorry yeah yep yep sorry guys all

right one time sorry i swear to god i'm not gonna move all the way in the middle in the obstructed view seats in wrigley of which there are a million every seat kind of every seat is obstructed it has a girder in front so i sit down and, and I'm surrounded by blue and baby bears and the whole thing. And this guy turns around and goes, ah, God. Donna. Donna. Donna, look at this. Look at this.

Look at this jackalope. God. This fucking guy. Look at this guy. And I go, what? And he goes, I used to like you. I liked you so much. And that hat.

That hat. And I go, what? I go, explain it to me. I go, if the situation was reversed. And you had tickets to the Cardinals. And you somehow had tickets. Would you not go? He goes, no, I'd go.

Would you wear a Cubs hat? You better believe he would. You're goddamn right. What's the difference? You have to still like me now. And he literally went, okay. Wait a minute. That is a discussion that doesn't get

that doesn't happen in this day and age. I feel like that was of another time that you were able to. I took the man in. We understood one another. You didn't meet him with abrasiveness. I did not at all. And that's why you helped him across the island.

And here we are. It's okay. Maybe that's a pathway for us to move forward. Well, I'm so happy you're here. There's so much to talk about. But we have stories. So I want to jump into a story right away. Let's do it.

Yes. And Dan, I know. And then we'll talk about the Oscar snafu, which is just, we'll get into that in a second. Oscar snafu. Which, by the way, great name for a band. Right. Oscar snafu. All right.

This was sent in by. First album, The Envelope, please. So good. This was sent in by Neil. He used hashtag dumb people town to send me this thank you to everybody who does that at world fuqua f-u-k-u-a brother world fuqua champ free yeah world fuqua be free conego conego township pennsylvania yeah robert i'm drinking out of a contigo you are coffee mug you are contigo township contigo township robert beck the third

needed some cold medicine rob beck no that's rod beck oh sorry but i mean maybe one of the best hair of any really rod becker so many best can we agree trailer wow can we agree that rod beck was the was who danny mcbride based his character. Well, obviously. But also, the fact that that was that close to the top of your head because it took me about three beats to go, Rod Beck. You don't have obscure San Francisco giant relievers on the mind

at all times. Former Cub, that's why I was bringing him up. Mostly just Rob Nen. Which, by the way, I thought the Nen should have been the official like currency of like and also japan or japan san francisco which was a town in uh also like hadn't been like this close like it could have been mad men just rob men having severe anger issues mad men men. Well, Robert Beck III RB3

needed some cold medicine but ended up with a deer in his hands instead. Yes. The Conwego? Is this the I want to lick an antler thing? I'm super confused. Wasn't like antler spray?

Antler spray was a thing. Lick the deer's antler and it gives you strength. It was almost like a legal steroid. Is that real? Yeah, antler spray. None of what you're saying

is true. Antler spray. I'm going to look it up. While Dan keeps going, I'm going to look it up. I'm going to look it up and I'll tell you all about it. What are you reading?

Oh, these are stories that people sent in and then I formulated them. Yeah, John has not done this show. I've not done this one. That's right. We never even prepped it. It's Leekamay.

John, so, okay. These are stories from my personal life. These are stories that get sent in by, and we get to riff on them and go in any direction. So some dude from Canoe Go Township. Yes. Wanted cough medicine holding a deer. The resident had been at the Verizon store just outside Manchester Monday night. I love the movie Manchester Monday night.

I know. So sad. Verizon by Manchester by the sea. With his wife, Tanya. Of Latter Day Saints. Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. Which of course. RV3 and Tanya.

You know about my moment and the hardest moment to watch in the base of the knot, Precious, was when she drops the baby. Monique drops the baby. I just imagine a sound guy off the screen who's like, I need one more for me. Can we get one more for me? I need one more. I'm so sorry. I heard a siren.

We're like, we're in the hood. There's a siren all the time. It's just that it's really bad. The siren makes it authentic. I just, look, I don't tell you how to do it. I would love one more. I don't tell you how to do it. I would love one more. I don't tell you how to do it. Let me have one.

Deer antler spray helped Ray Lewis overcome his recent triceps tear, and Vijay Singh is admitted to using spray supplement University of Alabama football players also allegedly use. Deer antler spray. Spray. Okay. Deer Evan Hansen. Deer Evan Handler. Deer Evan Handler. Deer antler spray. Deer Evan Hand Hansen. Dear Evan Handler. Dear Evan Handler.

Antler spray. Dear Evan Handler. We set this on cheap seats. If Evan Handler and Tyson Chandler did a show together where he was his handler. Evan Handler was Tyson Chandler. Chandler, Chandler, Chandler. No, we call it Chandler with care. Of course you would.

Of course you would. Of course you would. That's terrible. Go ahead. No. Tanya and Rob. Perfect. Tanya and Rob walked into the giant store to get a couple things. Beck.

Is that where they buy giants? They might be. Yeah, give me two minute bowls and one Mark Eaton over there. I'll take a half Eaton. Hey, is that a half Eaton Eaton? Yeah. I imagine those are sports-eaten. Hey, where's... Is that a half-eaten eaten? I imagine those are sports references of guys I do not know. I'll go with a Hagrid. I'll get a Hagrid.

Hey, where are the Hagrids? Are they over by the... They're over by the Spencer Dawes. And the deer right over there. I can't see it behind the George Mirasan. Move the Mirasan! I think Giant's just a grocery store. Either way. Big Giant. move the mirror sign i think giant's just a grocery store either way big giant back 45 an avid hunter all right old enough to know better yes who most they put they put this in

the article who most call bobby or bob to me that's him telling the reporter yeah my my name's and he wouldn't let no one's gonna know who this is if you put Robert Beck in there. He'd been battling a head cold for the last few weeks. They were there to get some Gatorade and cough medicine. So the couple grabbed a cart and went for the first time. You do not need a cart. Did you just say scissor? You do not need a cart for Gatorade and cough medicine.

No, you absolutely don't. A lot of this story does not ring true. For three minutes... First of all, they went to a giant store. For cough syrup. Was it at the top of a beanstalk? Three minutes into their visit, a loud bang followed by some shouts and screams.

Quote, first I thought, man, there's someone here with a frickin' gun, Beck said. Turns out that guess was wrong. A deer had busted through the glass of the entrance door at the grocery store. It was shortly after 9 p.m. I don't know how those two things are supposed to be tied together. For a little while, all Beck heard was people shouting. But between the screams, he heard one man yell, deer. He was like on alert.

I would have thought that. Funny what's going on. Deer! Deer! Wasn't there a guy who played for the Tigers, Rob Deer? Rob Deer. For the Cubs? Brewers.

Brewers. Brewers. Rob Deer was like 180 strikeouts and like 39 home runs. It was either out of the park or sitting down. And he had a beautiful flowing mullet. A blonde mullet like you've never seen. He made Steve Balboni look like a good hitter. Bobby Beck III.

Bones. He then caught a glimpse of a doe running towards the store's bakery section. By the way, glimpse of a doe, my favorite Prince record. Never released. Where muffins and donuts sit behind glass. In case anyone did not know what a bakery is. The first single. Well, that was Diamonds and Pearls was originally...

Diamonds and Pearls was originally going to be Muffins and Donuts. And then it just became a different... I'll give you muffins and donuts. I'm about to read you the quote from Bobby Beck III. And based off this, we are going to know everything about him.

Okay, let's see it. He saw the dough running towards a bakery where the muffins and donuts sit behind glass. Quote, When I see it, it was game on. He took this dough as a personal affront to his livelihood, and he is ready to

go at it. It's my turn. Beck later learned the deer had made it back into the vegetable and fruits, but ran back towards the front. When he spotted the dough, Beck grabbed her around the neck, made her do a U-turn away from the bakery glass. Not the muffins. Anything but the muffins.

It's a point of pride. He's like, I'm the last stand here. You ready to take a look at it? Are we in Western PA? Yes. We're in Western PA. This is him. There's an obligatory guy in a camo coat, just for good measure.

Look at him with the doe on the ground. Yeah, he's got all the legs. This is a guy who now has too much confidence. That's a 300-pound animal. I thought you were going to say man. And a deer. And the deer might be 250 as well. But there is something about it.

The way he has it down on the ground it's like is he gonna fuck it like like the way he's pushing it down it's a little he's talking to it he's the deer whisperer yeah he's saying things stop hold on here listen listen listen hey easy girl not the muffins not the muffins not on the muffins. Not on my watch. Easy girl. Not today. Easy girl. Not this guy. Maybe a year. I have a very special set of skills. He then started leading her. That was a good Liam Neeson.

He then started leading her. No, it wasn't. No, you're just tired. I thought it was. Yeah, you're good. I don't have much money. I don't have much money, but what I do have. I do have.

It's a little thing. He then started leading her out of the store but she got spooked when they turned a corner and spotted more people she was like uh she then started kicking and squirming the deer kicked him in the ribs knocking him down yeah robbie beck does he go back up does he get up it's back up of course i think she was scared from all those people he said she would Quote, now he's referring. You're right on. Quote, oh my god, what the heck did I get myself

into is what the deer thought. He's now telling us. What? He's personifying. I think this is what Rob thought. About his life. Fortunately, Beck got some help from two other shoppers. Including another hunter.

That man offered to help hold the deer. Another man. Also, it's the 21st century. No one's occupation should be listed as hunter. Unless you are hunter from the show. Even the documentary. Hunter. Or even the documentary The Eagle Huntress.

Fair enough. She calls herself a young woman. Even if you're at the school by the way at hunter only if you live in mongolia yeah and even still say hunter most what do i do i guess i'm a hunter i'm a hunter huntress that man offered to help hold the deer another man put a jacket and shirt over her head so we are now dressing the deer the deer has been incorporated into the giant grocery store society when did they shoot it they led her outside to the side of the building near a field

beck checked her out and noticed she had a bloody nose which he guessed was from hitting the entrance other than that she looked fine then she ran back towards starbucks and that's the last i saw her by the way i can say that about 10 people in my life exactly that's how so many romantic comedies have ended gail oprah's friend no she died a lot of misconnections last i saw her last i saw i'm telling you that's a craigslist misconnection right here two nor jones cds and got the fuck out of town right northe. Northeastern regional police responded to the giant store, not person.

Yes, sir. The store ended up with minor damage by the time the officers arrived. The deer was long gone. Guys, call the NERP. This deer thing is getting weird. Hey, man, it's over my pay grade. I'm sorry.

Time to bring in the NERP. I am a greeter at Walmart. I don't... Bring in the NERP. Do I look like I work for NERP? But the thing is, they were so humane with this deer, and they sent it on its way. Dressed in clothes. Yeah, but they're dressed the deer in clothes, and they're like, we'll be shooting you next Sunday.

Just go have it. Go elsewhere, because they can't shoot you in a lighted place. It doesn't feel good. In a clean, well-lighted place. Right. I like to imagine that around the time the cops were showing up across the street in the Starbucks, a barista was yelling, Dern?

And they were like, Deer! Sorry, Deer. Yeah, I know. I get it all the time. I get it all the time. Also, I weirdly have hands that I can raise. And Laura Dern's like, mine's different. Mine's different. I usually go by Lala. It's a Lala.

Which, are we done with this fucking story? No. The department praised Beck's efforts. Still, it warned against the average citizen getting involved with controlling a wild animal. There's too much risk to injury of the citizen. The North Eastern Regional Police Chief Brian Rizzo said. wild animal there's too much risk to injury of the citizen the north eastern regional police chief brian rizzo said rizzo of the nerp this is what i don't understand it says this is a quote from brian rizzo if the citizen is an experienced hunter or someone experiencing wildlife then i

would say they should use their own judgment yeah if you shoot deer that does not mean you're qualified to how much how much gray area and how much are we leaving that up to the person who is that person? I, as you guys both know, am from St. Louis, Missouri. The majority of people in my life were quote unquote hunters. Would describe themselves as experienced enough to make that call. Sure. How many of them were experienced enough to make that call? I have maybe one cousin that I would trust to actually do any of that.

You're talking about gorilla poachers versus Jane Goodall. Yeah. Like, who knows more about how to... Exactly. Child soldiers or Jane Goodall. Stealing ivory to sell on the black market. Right? Who knows how to comment on that?

In this case, it was a hunter who had experience in handling live deer that is the opposite of what a hunter has experienced he has the experience of handling them after he's put a bullet in yeah the deer carcass by the way there are too many deer out there can i just say that right now have you been have you been back to st louis like at night there i'll i'll take a stance if i need to wait you guys were creep cure creve-cure. Creve-cure, yeah. But like, we'd walk around the neighborhood, and at night, there were just family of deer walking around. I had that experience in my neighborhood in Los Angeles. Yeah, I have a deer.

I've seen a couple deer kind of wandering. It's a very odd thing to see a deer in an urban environment. Very odd. And you live right by the zoo, so that's a weird. You do live right by the zoo. I bought a zoo. Oh, I got bad news for you. Bad investment.

Bad investment. The home zoo! You know, we'll see. I'm not willing to judge it one way or the other yet, but we'll see. If you're dating someone and they eventually,

by the third date, say, I also have a home zoo. Goodbye. That's got to be a non-starter. I know. I agree with you. That's got to be a we're done.

That's when you call NERP. Yeah. That's when you call NERP and say, what's going on? For Beck, Monday's thrill. God, we're still doing this story? Yeah, it was nothing new. This is what I love about him. This is what he says.

Quote, my generation is a dying breed. People aren't into our lifestyle anymore. They'd rather sit at home and play a video game than enjoy the outside. Except that you took care of a deer indoors. Yeah, inside. You bagged a deer inside. That's why I voted for Donald Trump. Yeah, there it is.

That's the end of that sentence. Yeah, that is. Well, we'll get out on this. Apparently, he was able to subdue the deer in 50 seconds after it burst inside. The store told him they appreciate it because it could have done a lot more damage. And he said said to replies of that that's just like a rodeo record

that is not how a rodeo works nobody is keeping track of how long it takes you to subdue a deer in a grocery store but Rob Beck doesn't give a shit it's just like a rodeo record by the way if someone roped a calf in 50 seconds they'd be laughed out of they'd be the worst. Way too long.

That's the worst. Way too long. Like eight seconds. It's like a rodeo record, but the other way. In the wrong direction, yeah. By the way, it's like the guy in the Olympics who comes in last. Yeah, it's Eddie the Eagle of. Yeah, exactly.

No, but in the sprints, there's a guy who. There's always one guy. One guy who's so last. But he does have world-class speed, okay? Because he's in the class with the other world-class people. But he would be beat by so many people. He's the last guy in the heat. I think 50 seconds is the amount of time it'll take Rob Beck

to bring this up if you meet him. Oh, I think I'll get to put less. Hey, closer to five. How you doing? Hey, Rob Beck, yeah. Nice to meet you, man. You probably have heard of me. No, we haven't.

No, you actually probably have. I was the guy that took down that deer at the Walmart in the pastry section. Yeah, it was a tight 50. I got her down. All right. 50 seconds. 50 seconds, yeah. It's kind of a record.

I'm mostly a hunter. Oh, so much. You might have heard me. I'm on NERP's website at this point. Let me look and see. You know the people from NERP? Let me look it up. Just a hunter.

Pharrell Williams' band, NERP. No, that's NERD. That's NERD. Don't worry about it. Don't tell me what it is. Don't tell me what I do. I'm a pro hunter. Were you the guy who took down the deer in 50 seconds, or was I?

Or was it me? Was it me, or was it you? I'm having trouble remembering. I guess you're welcome, is what I'm getting at. I should have read the shirt. I didn't notice the shirt you were wearing. What was the shirt say? It literally says, look at it.

It says, 50 seconds, I got her down. Yeah, that's right. It's a great shirt. It says, 50 seconds, got her down. I sell them on my website. Oh, yeah. Oh, what is this? 50seconds.org.

50 seconds. I couldn't get calm. That's fine. It's all good. I love it. It's a government run. Like a school sort of a way. A lot of people stumble on your site

when they're looking up 50 Cent. They end up on 50 Seconds. And they end up on... I get a lot of 50 Shades people also. But it's not that. Although there was a moment when you had the deer down. There was some crossover.

Yeah. You had the deer down on her back. A little lace mask. 50 Seconds starter. On had the deer down. There was a crossover. Yeah. You had the deer down on her back. Put a little lace mask. 50 seconds darker. On that beautiful deer face. Turn those ham hocks over. All right, let's take a break. Yes.

First segment down with the great Jon Hamm in the books. When we come back, we'll talk about Oscar snafus and other great, wonderful things with Jon Hamm. Is snafus the preferred? Snafu? Snazfu? Snazfu? Snazfu. Snazfu.

Talk about Oscar Snazfu. Like runs, bat it in. And all the runs, bat it in. Attorneys General. R's be on. We're going to Dumb People Town right after this. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. I want to remind people we're going to be in Cleveland. Yeah, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

I want to remind people we're going to be in Cleveland. Yeah, hilarity shows. Never done like a weekend of shows here the 9th through the 11th of March. Just to be clear, when you say we, I will not be in Cleveland. John will not be there. John won't be with us, although how great would that be? Oh, that'd be fun. I'd just like tour with you guys.

Oh, that would be so much. I have been in Cleveland one time for a wedding. Did was I was on the visiting team rock and roll hall of fame uh yeah I've married uh my friend married the rock and roll hall of fame it's a bizarre wedding it was so great yeah um no uh uh it was the first wedding that I had attended as a an adult because uh we were all like in our all my friends from high school were there and we were in our 20s and one of our pals got married and it was a lovely wedding

and she was a beautiful lady and a model. So we were all like, ooh. Cleveland model. Cleveland model. That's more than just hot in Cleveland. That's more than hot in Cleveland. It's hot everywhere. It was hot in the world.

And we were all super excited because we were like, we're going to go to this wedding. And there are going to be models there. Models there. And there were. And it was fun. And we danced. Yeah. And that was my only experience of Cleveland.

So I'll say this about Cleveland. Tons of hot women everywhere. I mean, models everywhere. Models everywhere in Cleveland. I can't wait to just be showered by models. City of champions., models everywhere. Models everywhere. In Cleveland. I can't wait to just be showered by models. City of champions. City of models. City of champions.

We can call them champs now. They're world champs as we speak in basketball. City of champion. Champion. City of champion. City of champion. That's a great way to go crazy. Cleveland.

City of champion. That's the way we've got to open up our set. Thanks, John. Believe land. Achieve land. I get booed off the stage. No. So we're there to open up our set. Thanks, John. Believe land, achieve land. I get booed off the stage. No, so we're there, and then we're in Portland with Dan. Dan's going to come with us the 22nd through the 24th. That'll be fun.

Great. I got to talk about, you watched the Oscars last night. Does that now make it so that on any live show anywhere, you can't fuck up that bad? That's the worst that any... Because you've hosted the ESPYs. I did. And that must have been slightly nerve-wracking.

No. No? I mean, because it's the ESPYs. I know. But I mean, still it is hosting a massive event like that. Look, live television has an element of something to it. And in fact, when I hosted the ESPYs, there was a package at the beginning of my monologue, whatever, yada, yada, where i was supposed to have some basketball joke and i was meant to turn around and there was going to be a very short

highlight clip and when i turned around it wasn't there which actually played as a better joke yeah that it's not there you wasn't there so you just like move on and you go through but that's like live television so um yeah someone accepting the stewart scott award and then you're like no no no no actually that's this other person who's died i've the the the only other situation that is remotely comparable was um steve harvey yes boning the miss miss universe oh yeah getting the wrong name and uh kimmel made reference to it and he did he in the moment he like he he was smart enough and quick enough to like and he is that um so I I guess it went down as as as as that is the biggest but boy oh boy it doesn't get weirder than that giving

their acceptance speeches I mean by the way god bless whoever the guy from La La Land was he was like hey this is wrong this ain't us which by the way is infinitely also by the way

Tuesdays on NBC this ain't us really it's all it's a response to this is us this ain't us other people's problems

it's other people no it's everything going right it's just everything it's great everything's problem. No, it's everything going right. Everything's great. Everything's beautiful. It's not us. Somebody died of cancer?

It's not us. It's not us. It's not us. It's not us. Hey, hon, is this us? Oh, this ain't us? All right. Imagine. Okay, so, John, you did stand on a stage and receive an Emmy.

Midway through your speech, someone comes up and is like, nope, nope, sorry. I will say this. I will say this. Every single time I've been remotely close to any award, I look at that envelope. Just in case. To see if it was wrong?

To see if it says my name. Jeez. You gots to. You gots to. You gots to. I guess you do. And by the way, not for nothing. What about the Marissa Tomei story? That's what I mean.

Now, does this now then put the lie to that story? Do we open that back up? Because that clearly somebody. Explain that. Do you know this story? The Marissa Tomei story? Explain it. Explain it.

My cousin Vinny. We'll call him Palance. Palance? Palance. Palance, I like. He has Palance issues We'll call him Palance. Palance. Palance. Palance, I like. He has Palance issues. Good, great Palance. One arm push up.

Yeah. It was. Jack Palance in his, in the heyday of city slickerness had, was tasked

with giving an award out to the best supporting actress of 19 something. Probably 93 Probably 93, 93, 92.

Yeah. Let's just throw a number in the hopper. 2004. It's ain't us. It's ain't us. It's ain't us. And, uh,

the award went in a shocker and an upset to Marissa Tomei for my cousin, Vinny. Now immediately or almost immediately the internet which didn't exist sure just the chatter around went crazy saying this it was a mistake who should have won that year do we know meryl streep let's say who knows it was somebody else somebody british or somebody like dramatic dame mery street dame merrill street i would love to have dame for people who are less you know not as accomplished like or just in a different like light like dame sarah silverman like she's accomplished absolutely that to me would be

funny that would be a good she should now start going by dame let's make that let's get that a thing let's make that a hashtag it so anyways so everyone said like there was clearly some he made a mistake he made a mistake like or no that it said something else and he and he read it wrong or he wanted to like whatever and and the more like the more you like listen to the story the more you realize like no this clearly didn't happen and now putting the lie to that, because we've seen what happens, somebody literally would have been like, no, it's not you.

No, someone would have stepped out from the back because they know the answers. Yeah. I looked it up. It was 1993. Nice, Dan. The real winner was supposed to have been Vanessa Redgrave is the theory

behind all of this. What movie? It doesn't say here. The Redgrave Files? This person wrote this on Snopes. The Redgrave Diaries. The Redgrave is the theory behind all of this. What movie? It doesn't say here. The Redgrave Files? This person wrote this on Snopes. The Redgrave Diaries. The Redgrave Chronicles. The man with one Redgrave shoe.

Palance had erroneously called out the wrong name because he was unable to read the printing on the card inside the envelope, became confused, or was too drunk or stoned to announce the winner properly. Not a thing. Not a thing. That's what Snopes said. Although, you know, if it was a thing, like it made her career,

it gave her, I mean, she was great in that performance and she still would have had a career, but to be an Oscar winner. I've had the good fortune to actually hang out

and speak with Marissa Tomei who might be one of the loveliest people. We met her too. We worked with her and met her and loved her. Before the devil knows your dad.

Great lady. Amazing lady. Great movie. And so, yes, there's no, again, there's no version in the world where this story is true. Can't be true. Because, yeah, Jack Palance is not so drunk or high or anything that he's like, blurp, blap, blurp. That doesn't happen. Or so powerful that no one would be worried to be like, hey, you made a mistake, Jack.

You're not going to like, no one's going to be like, Jack, you made a mistake, Jack. No one's going to be like, we'd rather live with the mistake than tell Jack Palance he was wrong. Did you just see that? A crap bigger than you. Did you see that? Did you see that kind of one-arm push-up out there? You don't want to piss this guy off. He might literally

start doing more push-ups. Not to mention that we learned last night that if they say it wrong, PricewaterhouseCooper and producers run onto the stage to correct it. So that would have happened. That's what I mean. We see now what happens when they bone it. So that's not what happened in the 90s.

There was a moment where Warren Beatty, who has had so much work done. He probably thought to himself, holy shit, I am so old. Warren Beatty and Diane Lane. There's a moment where Diane Lane. Faye Dunaway. Faye Dunaway.

Same thing. The Diane Lane. I'm kidding. I know it's Faye Dunaway. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's S-K-L-A-R. I meant to say Faye Dunaway. She's mad as hell.

She's not even taking it anymore. I knew what I meant to say. Right. By the way, not for nothing, Faye Dunaway's character in Network went to the University of Missouri. What? Really? Journalism school. Very good. By the way, not for nothing, Faye Dunaway's character in Network went to the University of Missouri. What? Oh, really?

Journalism school. Very good. So that's the moment where you're like, oh, we can't let old people do things anymore. They can't handle the important. I don't think that's what it was. But it wasn't their fault. He looked at it, and he knew it was wrong. And I think he showed it to her to be like, what the hell do we do here?

And she just saw the words La La Land, because she didn't know that he was looking at her. That's your mistake in turning to Faye Dunaway and saying, you handle it. I think he was trying to confirm. That is the mistake. Maybe don't throw your partner under the bus. Maybe make it a moment. I don't know what this is, and I'm not being this thing.

Can someone come out here? This is a really big moment, and we don't want to screw this up. It says someone's name. By the way, what if he just would have said Emma Stone and she would have got back up and was like, I guess I won best picture.

I won best picture alone. The envelope they were holding also said best actress. The outside of the envelope. Not even just the card. Boy, you guys. It was a... Want to do a story?

Let's do another story. It's Ken Bone Land. Ken Bone. Oh, Bone Zone, by the way. CPAC. Did you guys see? Did he there? He had his own deal with CPAC.

Did he really? Not to be confused with CPAP. Which helps you burn. Although the CPAC helps me sleep, I mean, even better. CPAC doesn't help me sleep at all. It makes me sick. Nightmares, nightmares. But there was a

bone zone. A bone sighting? Yes. Okay, I will say, can I share this? Took him to the bone yard. A friend of mine just said the Oscars ended well

and look at this. What is that? The Oscars ended well. Explain it for our listeners, please. It's the final scene from Bonnie and Clyde. Shoot him up. A lot of bullets. Are you ready?

Yes, let's do it. Here we go. Sent in by at Stuperfly, Crispin Kotz. Love this dude. All right. Love this dude. A ritzy Manhattan wedding, rehearsal, dinner, descended into a brawl after the groom's parents objected to a toast on the eve of the couple's nuptials at the Pierre Hotel, according to

a lawsuit by Waring. A lot of emotions running high. Yes. At a rehearsal dinner? Yes. At the Pierre. At the Pierre. And these are...

Have you stayed at the Pierre? No. But you know it. But I've been there. The cost of this wedding? $325,000. Get out of here. I would have gone $350,000.

$350,000? If you're that deep in. That ain't us. So they clearly didn't go for the full package at the pier. No. They skimped on something. Just spend the money. Spend the $350,000.

Is there anything worse, though, than... Than a $325,000 wedding? Yes, at the PR. Number two, amateur hour on the mic at the rehearsal dinner. People who aren't funny. I know you've got a story. You have to have something in the chamber from this. What about the model wedding? Model wedding? Did someone... Yeah, I'm sure someone

dropped bad stuff. It was probably me. I think I was super teary when I had to do a thing. If I could for a moment. I love you. John, we do not need you to give a speech right now. But I'm going to! Let him do it. Let him do it. For two seconds.

I mean, we've all been there for that. I can't believe that that came to blows. On October 28th, 2016, the night before Bradley Moss and longtime girlfriend Amy Bezura were to tie the knot. Bradley's parents. She went to the University of Bezura. She went to the University of Bezura.

Bradley's parents. I actually prefer to call her Amy. Oh, because she went to UBSL? Amy Bezuri. I prefer to call her Amy Bezuri. It ends in an I, guys. Yeah, guys. Not a UH.

There's a fucking I at the end. I'm sorry. Hooray. Hurrah. Bezur. Bezu.'m sorry. Hooray. Hurrah. Bazur. Bazoo. Bazoo. Hooray.

Hurrah. Bazur. Bazur. Bazur. Tigers. M-I-Z. Perfect. B-I-Z.

B-I-Z. B-U-R. Well, Bradley and Amy and Bradley's parents and Robert and Wendy Moss hosted the meal of their rehearsal dinner at the Blue Water Grill in Union Square. Know it well. Been there. Been there. Oh, have I been there. BWG.

But the parents of Bradley, they took offense to the bride's brother, Adam Bezira, as he was about to make a, quote, heartfelt toast, is what he described it. And video tribute. His words. And a video tribute that he had set up make a, quote, heartfelt toast, is what he described it, and video tribute. His words. And a video tribute that he had set up. Oh, shit. This sounds like a jerk-off video. Uh-oh. Not that file, not that file.

No, no, God, no. The other over. Robert Moss. Dash one. Click down. Not the file that says you up. Come on. Hey, no.

Click down. Click down. Drop down. Not the file that says you up. Come on. Hey, no. Click down. Click down. Dash one. Video tribute. Dash one. It's going to be heartfelt, guys. It's going to be heartfelt. Not hard felt. Heart. Heart. Heart with a

T. God, you guys. One job. One freaking job. He was going to give a heartfelt toast. They say this. This all came out in the Manhattan federal court suit filed by Amy's dad, Bruce. Wow. Robert Moss, Bradley's dad, 65, inexplicably and angrily declared that Adam was not allowed to speak at the dinner.

He does not want... His own son. No, no, no. His son-in-law. Future son-in-law. Brother. Yeah, his daughter. His son-in-law his future son-in-law brother brother no yeah his daughter his daughter-in-law's brother yes to speak so he's the father of the groom and he doesn't want the bride's brother to speak he doesn't want him saying shit okay he wrote he growled quote do you know what i can do to? If you're at the rehearsal dinner and you're already at this level, this has been building.

I have a very special set of skills. Again. Very special set of skills. You've taken the last speech. He threatened to kick Adam out. Let me take that video from you. Threatened to kick Adam out and, quote, events then began to escalate. This is like when the two old guys from Cal and Stanford fought on stage.

Remember, they were together and the one guy hit him with the cane. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. Like really hard to watch. Really, really hard to watch. Yes, because they thought he was joking. Norman Mailer. Yeah.

Oh, Norman Mailer in Riptorn. Have we talked about this? Fist fighting. Fist fighting in that movie that was an experimental movie and the kids crying on the farm 13 minute fight right a real one of those guys I guarantee you

growled something at that point do you know what I can do to you yeah I can do it to you Wendy Moss who said that Rip or Nora like we can't talk Wendy Moss 60 began arguing with Adam and the groom's brother Who said that? Rip or Nora? We can't tell. Wendy Moss, 60, began arguing with Adam and the groom's brother,

Michael. He walked up. Okay, so now the mom is arguing with her future son-in-law. Okay? Then the groom's brother, Michael, her son, slugged Adam in the kisser. He just walks up and cold

cocks this guy at the rehearsal the groom his brother the his so her brother yes her brother is arguing with the mom and the groom comes up and smacks the brother in the face the groom's brother smacks that it's all good it brought a flow chart the groom's dad then tried to charge adam while bruce bruza 66 struggle struggled to hold him back the evening ended in shouting and tears and the groom's dad then tried to charge Adam while Bruce Bruza, 66, struggled to hold him back. The evening ended in shouting and tears and the groom's mom phoning guests on the spot to tell them the $325,000 wedding was off. Yeah, because you can't go to a wedding the next day. No.

Next line in this article, but the nightmare was just beginning. They still hadn't gotten their crusted tuna. Yes. At the Blue Water Grill. they still hadn't gotten their crusted tuna yes at the blue water grill to make sure the relationship was dead robert moss owner of long island pipe supply no it wasn't open that open that video tribute one of the better porns i've ever seen yes beautiful beautiful get over here. It's a great story. I'm going to lay down so much pipe. I got a J-trap for your ass. I'm going to visit you at Gold Coast. Time to clean out you with my snake. I'm going to lay you down in Manalapan.

Robert Moss. This is the father of the group. I know. I couldn't come up with one either. Manhasset. I'm going to lay you down. And drill the father of the group. I know. I couldn't come up with one either. Man has said, I'm going to lay you down and drill you in sands point. I'm going to take you to Sayville. You want to see a great neck?

Look at this. Hey, old man. Look at this. Oh. I'm going to bring down my Nassau and Suffolk counties. Time to take out the old Woodbury. Lay the wood. Lay the woodberry.

Long Island Pipe Supply. Yes, Robert Moss, the father of the groom. Bobby Moss. Bobby Moss. He threatened to toss his son from the business and cut him out of the will if he went ahead and still married Amy. Wow. They are done with her.

This is like an any excuse thing. I now need to see a picture. Yeah, of everybody. This is now an any excuse to. I now need to see a picture. Yeah, of everybody. This is now an any excuse to end this wedding sort of a thing. A little bit. And also, by the way, Bobby, calm down. Not your wedding. Not your wedding.

Not your call. I do have a picture for you. I can show. It will also be shared. Everybody, if you want to see pictures and documents for anything we do, if you follow at DP Podcast. DPT. DPT Podcast, you can

see all of this stuff. This is them. This is Amy and Bradley Moss right here. They seem lovely. He looks like if Matt Leinart was in better shape. Matt Leinart's in good shape. Yeah, this guy's in good shape. They're pretty people. That's a nice looking couple.

She's attractive. He's a good looking guy. But how does this go south? It's gone apparently so south a good-looking guy. Now, but how does this go south? It's gone apparently so south that the parents aren't. The Mosses then changed the locks on the East 54th Street apartment Amy and Bradley shared, preventing her from getting into the apartment and getting her belongings. This is all because the brother wanted to give a heartfelt toast. It's going to be heartfelt.

It's going to be heartfelt. Yeah, that's not working for us. So guess what? I made a video. Your sister is locked out of her home. How do you get from I want to give a heartfelt toast. It feels like there might be a little

more to this. There was a lot building up to this. The Berzas, Bersuras, they then filed a court order to allow amy back in the night before the hearing on the order the mosses were lent it only to allegedly humiliate amy by mandating that an off-duty police officer accompanied her to pack all of her belongings so now under the vision of of police she is only allowed to go back into this place. And her brother was going to give the speech. A heartfelt speech. Yes. In a romantic

death blow, Bradley, 32, sued Amy, 27, for the engagement ring he had given her. It's now that we're going to play a game. How much did that ring cost? Oh, wow. Here's what you know. $325,000

wedding. You know where the rehearsal dinner was. A lot of pipe money. A lot of Long Island pipe money. A will of significance. Because if you're threatening to cut someone out of that will, it means there's something in it. I will also tell you this. I left it out just for time.

But the groom's family, the Mosses, had agreed to pay for their own guests. They are now rescinding that. That's also in court. The total on the amount of just their guests to the wedding of the groom's side, $89,000. Okay. Okay. So I don't know if that's factored into the grand total of $325,000 or not.

That's it. Now, you two are married gentlemen. Yes. I'm not sure if you're married or not. You two are not. You two are not. We are not married yet. John and I are not married right now.

By the way, ladies. Never had to buy it. Yes. It is. Oh, I thought you meant to each other. No. No, no, no. We're not married yet. John and I are not married right now. Never had to buy it. Yes. It is. Oh, I thought you meant to each other. No. No, no, no. We're not married to each other yet.

So I have not had to have the situation of purchasing an engagement ring. I purchased a ring 16 years ago. That's a different time. I did it 13 years ago. So you guys have both been through this thing. But we're out of the loop. But I can project further where I think it is. Now, I'm going to throw out a number, and you'll either laugh at me or say,

I want to hear it. It probably sounds right. 50K. 50K. Wow. I'm going to throw out a number, and you'll either laugh at me or say, probably sounds right, 50K. 50,000. Wow. I'm not laughing at that. That's high. You guys are all familiar with me. But again, Long Island Pipe Supply. Yes.

Long Island Pipe Supply. But no, yeah, for this, that feels like it's in the ballpark. Okay, also. I mean, it's not Kobe. No. 1.2 million. Yeah, exactly.

We're not talking like. No. I raped a woman in Eagle, Colorado. Is a 54th Street apartment, is, Colorado. A 54th Street apartment is at Ritzy? That's Midtown. That's Manhattan. We lived at 55th and Broadway when we lived in New York.

In the Brill building? No, close. Close to it. Close to Letterman's building. One block up. You remember there was Apple Diner? Apple Jack's. Apple Jack's Diner was right under our building. What was what was the dog the Hello Deli Hello Deli sure Carney we were a block from Carnegie Mujibur and Sergio Mujibur and Chevrolet right there yeah okay so Jon Hamm is if he's on he's on right I love

that you did the bar first you're like the only person it was Sarah jewel and Mujibur that's John him but he put Hamm. But he put Moojibar first. He looks at things through both sides. I look at the glass Moojibar first. I go alphabetical. One of my favorite bands was Oats and Hall, and I don't know why anyone here is going to come at me and tell me... I'm that way with Costello and Abbott. All right, he said $50,000.

$50,000 from John Hamm. I say $25,000. $50,000 from John Hayes. I say $25,000. That is an expensive rate. Now, keep in mind, this has to be enough to sue over. I know. $25,000 is enough to sue over. And keep in mind also, Bradley Moss works for the company. He works for the company.

He's being threatened to be cut out of a will. People that throw around will threats usually have a lot in there. Do you know will threats? Will threats. Great guy. Will threats. Was he a lot in there. Do you know Will Threats? Will Threats. Was he a middle reliever for any obscure 1980s team that you guys want to talk about? Also, if they were willing to pay

$89,000, I figure that the pipeline companies won't lie. I think it's $25,000. That's me, Jay. I'm going to split the diff a little bit and say $35,000. Does anybody want to go $1? No, we can't. We won't even do that. Dan knows the answer.

It's just closest. You can go over. You can be over. If it's $47,000, you win. Dan, how much is it? He sued her for the engagement ring he had given her at a total cost of $125,000. Oh! $125,000.

Wow, our ring game is way shabby. $125,000. Oh! $125,000. Wow, our ring game is way shabby. $125,800 for the cost of that ring. How much of that was mental damages? You know what I mean? That's the ring. That's the ring. That's the ring. Not for nothing.

Lord of the ring. I would probably do that, too. That's a lot of dough. I mean, you would sue for that. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Yeah, you've got to sue for that, Pat. I guess, though, if you've gone to this length of ridiculousness, just wrap it up. Yeah.

Wrap it up. Box it up. Box it. I love, John, you made a great point. This all traces back to somebody saying to their friend, you think they'll let me make a little toast? That's it. Hey, man, you're drunk.

I don't think you should. No, I got this. What's the video? What could go it. Hey, man, you're drunk. I don't think you should. No, I got this. We had a video. What could go wrong? Hey, hey. It's not like someone's getting a lot of that. Why don't you give him some coffee

and then he can do it again. Just give me another tequila. No, no, don't give him another. One more tequila. Don't give him another. No, no, no. Make it happen. No, no.

Do not sing. Get the mic away from him. Hold on a sec. Let me ask you. Get him out of there. What? What kind of toast is it going to be? It's going to be heartfelt.

You're not going to get up there? That scares me more than anything one from the heart no no i don't remember that's not even a movie that's not a movie i'm gonna do jim gaffigan oh no that's so weird and then you know that adam had a friend behind him that was like let him say something hey all he wants to do is fucking say something! Hey, Jeff. Hey, Jeff. Give me the goddamn mic. You're holding the microphone. He's holding the microphone.

He just wants to be a good brother! Why is he breathing so loudly? Where did he get a laptop? Now he's into the main video system. He just went into the Hot Pockets bit. He said he made a video package. From the heart, dash one. From the heart, dash one.

It says from the heart. No, not from the heart. Not from the heart. I love it! Story two down in the books. So that wedding, what we know about it was $450,000 into that wedding. Oh, my God.

If you're going to ring, too. If you're the ring plus deposit. I don't even know if that includes food plate. In other words, everybody, elope, period. Guys, we have one more segment. And, you know, look, we talked to the great actor John Hamm, who's had experience winning awards. You know, this controversy this controversy I think opens up a whole thing

and that is why we got a voicemail from Steven Seagal who has explained his I guess controversies in the past

or his questions about how the past he wants to reopen some old cold cases as far as Stevie Seegs is like his weighing in

yeah he's calling us so we'll do that in the next segment there's more Dumb People Town right after this. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Follow, of course, Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter.

Follow us. Guys, here's a good thing to do with this podcast, and this is really helpful to us. If you like it, rate it. Leave a review. Even if you don't like it, give it five stars. We'll do, this is like crab feast

type thing. Yeah, just give it five stars. What does it mean to your life? Exactly. Who's the guy that's like one star? Just give it five stars.

That really says more about you than about anything else. Like you're really wanting to take something down a peg. Come on, give it five stars, rate it, review it,

and subscribe. And these are all wonderful things to help us keep us in the zeitgeist, as it were. Yes. There's a tiny clay penis over your left shoulder. Oh, my God. Isn't that nice? There's a tiny clay penis.

This is us. Which, by the way. This ain't us. The title of my podcast. Tiny Clay Penis. Tiny Clay Penis. TCP. And then the fact that you will three episodes in change it to Tiny Muhammad Ali is unbelievable.

Cassius Clay Penis! It's an unbelievable... Cassius Clay Penis. Cassius Clay Penis! Cassius Clay Penis! Cassius Clay Penis! That is the thing. That, I mean, that man.

I mean, I'm sure. John, I wanted to ask you a question. We talked about goofing around on set. How much fun did you have making Keeping Up with the Joneses? Well, I had an awful lot of fun making that movie. Because of Zach is ridiculous. We just watched that over the plane. Zachary, Galifianakary, and I have known one another

almost as long as I've known these boys. Yeah, about the same. Because of the Largo of it all, which is, for those listening at home, a seminal, and by that I mean covered in semen yeah totally it's been semenized it's been semenized seminal comedy club no longer there although there but just moved to the cornet theater thing but the old largo um was just a hot room on monday nights because it was the open mic and that's when I first saw Zach that was 20 years ago at least and uh and and um so we got a chance to work together and it was a lot of fun we had

such a good time and we made a movie now that's on airplanes so now people are seeing it but um we I saw it and thought you were fantastic we made a we made a fun movie. It reminded me of the in-laws in a great way, in the best possible way. God, Zach's just so dang funny. He's so funny. He would come up with stuff on the day, and I was like, who are you? Where are you going with this?

It's so good. There's a scene, I don't even know if it made the final cut, but there's a scene where we surprise them or something. It's like a shock cut. And Zach has an onion in his hand. Like a big onion. And I hadn't seen the previous thing, but he was like, they were getting ready to fight. And he grabs an onion. And so I'm like, guys, let's just...

And I go, why do you have an have in mind it's not scripted at all I don't even know if it's in the final film I don't I don't know who's there that's ridiculous you also just reminded me talking about being at live shows Doug Benson and I have constantly talked about the idea of having you reprise

your role as Donnie Wahlberg next time I do Mark we had that whole bit lined up where you were going to come out and ask if you had parked the car in the right place? Mark, Mark, have I parked the car? Dude, I told you. Wait in the car. Don't come in here while I'm doing my shows.

Mark, I'm sorry. Mark, did I park it? Dude, we wanted it. Dude, it's right by the wall. Doug and I want to make this happen. I swear to God, I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Just do it right, dude.

No, I just, I'm sorry. Sorry's not going to unpack the car. You don't get an allowance this week. I'm sorry. You don't get to make this happen. I swear to God, I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. Just do it right, dude. I just, I'm sorry. Sorry's not going to unpack the cat. You don't get an allowance this week. I'm sorry. You don't get an allowance this week. You can't. No, you can't do that to me. I'm sorry.

I've got to do it. We have to. We have to. You reminded me of that. You most definitely have to. All right, you guys want to do a final story? Let's do a final story. Let's do it.

We've got Jon Hamm here. Let's do a final story. All right, this story is about two types of people. Either the type of people we've all been or friends that we've had. There's no way you're not one of these. Yep. You're connected to one degree. If it's Cartier, is it T-I-E-R, right?

Yeah, Jacques Cartier. Or Cartier. Jacques Cartier. At Jacques Cartier. Thanks, buddy. Hashtag dumb people town. That's his real name. Jacques Cartier. Jacques Cartier. That'sag dumb people town. If that's his real name. Jacques Cartier.

Jacques Cartier. That's an unbelievable name. It's a killer name. That's a French tennis pro. Two New Brunswick men have been arrested after allegedly going through a McDonald's drive-thru. Naked. On a couch. Oh.

What? Yes. I'm calling bullshit. They can't be arrested for that. I know. To me, that's Naked. On a couch. Oh. What? Yes. I'm calling bullshit. They can't be arrested for that. I know. To me, that's... Going through on a couch? Also, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia?

No. Yes. Well, really? Yes. Wow. I was going to say New Jersey. Jersey, that's allowed. Although, anything happens in Nova Scotia.

What happens in Nova Scotia stays in Nova Scotia. Literally, because there's no internet. Oh, is that why? Miramichi police said an officer spotted the couch being towed behind an ATV at 3.19 a.m. Thursday in the McDonald's drive-thru.

This is an idea that was had at midnight. Oh, yeah. Remember all those ideas you have when you're just drinking with your friends? We're gonna do it. Always great. We're going to do it. It's like boxed wine, but it's boxed beer. We're going to do it.

We should do that. Nobody discovers a cure for pancreatic cancer in those moments. They're never there. What if you took us through the drive-thru? On the couch. And we don't even get up. I'm not getting up, and I am getting drive-thru. So how are we going to reconcile this?

How are we going to figure out how this works? Funny you ask. Get the ATV. Go get the four-wheel. Take this show on the road. There's definitely a question of do you still have that ATV? Have it. That's how I

got over here today. These keys ain't jingling for no reason. He's got it. There's always the guy who's worried. There's the guy who's worried, who is completely juxtaposed with the overly optimistic guy. So you know there's a guy who is like, guys, what if the cops see us? And they go, dude, if the cops see us, it'll be amazing. They will love that we did this. They'll want us to order them stuff.

They'll think it's so funny. We'll ask them to sit down on the couch with us. Dude, they'll probably patrol on the couch with us. You know how everybody's like, you can buy this with just the change in your couch? Let's find out for real. Dig in. Let's be that couch change we want to see in the world. That's right.

If I can change. Be the couch change. If you can in the world. That's right. If I can change, be the couch change. You can change. But I love the idea. If you're saying this actually started at midnight, and almost 3.30 in the morning they're following through, I'm pretty proud of it. That's unbelievable follow through. And if you're working at a McDonald's at 3.30 in the morning,

you can't not expect a couch change. You expect to see at least one couch. Oh, man. Just please. Why is it coming? This is what you say every time. You can't not expect a couch. You expect to see at least one couch. Oh, man. Just please, like, it is becoming. This is what you say every time. No, we're not serving breakfast yet. Yes, that's the one thing. The other thing you say every time between the time the person places the order to the time they show up the window, please let them not be jerking off.

That's literally what you're saying. That's the mantra that's going through your head the whole time. If I can just avoid it, I don't want to see someone's penis that I don't want to see. God, you're on a couch. And when the officer put his lights on, of course he took off. The four-wheeler did, with the sofa still attached. You're going to have to pull the couch over. Just take the couch over to the side of the road.

I imagine the couch is... Can't hear you. Pull the couch over to the side of the road I imagine the cat turn off the ATV pull the couch over the southern but it's probably still going faster than OJ in the Bronco but he left the sofa to sir he left his two passengers from the sofa at the driveway. When they won the Academy Award last night, I tweeted out, OJ is sitting in a cell somewhere, quietly

fist-bumping, going, still got it. That was one of my favorite jokes. I was going to say, Kimmel's follow-up, which I didn't hear because I was at a dinner party. But there was something about an exercise of baloney. He gets an exercise of baloney tonight. It sounded so dirty. And I just imagine them

just bringing it over and just dropping it on him. And then he made the joke, he goes, and that was the point where Kimmel lost the audience. The crowd turned on Kimmel. Good joke. And then an even better joke after that, he goes, yes, because God forbid I make fun of wonderful, sweet OJ.

Yeah, you're right. Sweet O're right we're all protecting oj good guy but one of the greatest documentaries i've all 10 hours of it oh my god anybody who is at the beginning of it that must have been around the time that you guys moved to la no it was 94 94 we were in new york so we had just so you guys went to new york first but we had just... Okay, so you guys went to New York first. But we had just graduated from Michigan. For those of you listening at home, Randy, Jason, and I are all the same age. I think we're a year younger. Ish.

Ish, yeah. So we all kind of went to high school around the same time. Yeah, knew very many of the same people. Lots of folks. Were you out here? You came to LA. I came to LA during the civil trial. Okay.

So post-earthquake, post-earthquake. Specifically for the civil trial. I came to L.A. during the civil trial. Okay. So specifically for the civil trial. I came as a star witness. Guys, we need that. Jerry Spence had me on. Get me that kid from Burroughs. We need him out here. We need a regular guy. Just a dude from St. Louis.

Can you bring him in? Yeah, no, we went to New York, but we were in, so we went to Europe, like, to just travel through Europe. Yes, we went to New York, but we were in, so we went to Europe, like, to just travel through Europe. Yes, we went to travel through Europe right after college. When the heart rules the mind. That's your Europe choice? Wow, the final countdown doesn't even come into the equation. You love to switch it.

It's really. Costello and Abbott. Costello and Abbott. So we were in Europe, and there was no internet. And we picked up a newspaper in Brussels. And it was like, OJ killed his wife. We were like, what? The Time magazine cover.

It was on a newsstand. It's hokey smokes. So that's how we found out. Analog media? Yeah, we missed it. We missed all of it. We didn't see the Knicks game, where you saw the chase. So I was working in a restaurant in St. Louis.

Which one? Hardwell. Yes, know it. Clayton, Missouri. I know it well. So I was working in a restaurant in St. Louis. Which one? Cardwell's. Yes! Know it! Clayton, Missouri. I know it well. And I was waiting tables, and I'm like, where are my customers? For whatever reason, all of my tables were empty.

And I was bringing a fresh iced tea to someone. And I'm like, where did everybody go? And so I make my way to the bar, which is jammed. With everybody watching what was going on. With everyone watching

a tiny television. How did they know what was going on? Someone must have been like, hey, hey, the word's been around the corner. It cut into everything. It cut into everything.

Whatever, it cut into the finals. Okay, but now, finals. But listen, you're sitting at Cardwell's enjoying a piece of St. Louis

swordfish, whatever you're eating. No, did they do toaster ravioli at Cardwell's? No. No. But today, everyone's watch or phone or everything would just start blowing up. And did you see this? Back then, you had to get up and

walk over to the bar. Someone had to say OJ's in a chase! And then all of a sudden, 50 people are in it. OJ's in a what? OJ Simpson. No, he's not. No, OJ Simpson. And then you got up and you looked.

I mean, this doc. So when I watched this doc, it was like the first time we saw it. That was chilling and crazy and amazing. Because we missed it all. We missed it when it happened. By the way, it was. It was the craziest thing in the world. The whole time I'm like, even knowing that he survives,

the entire time that he's in the thing, I'm like, oh, he's going to shoot himself. There's going to be a shooting on TV. There's going to be a suicide on TV. That's what I'm thinking the whole time. Straight suey. John, when you were living out here, were you a server here when you moved here then? In 95? Deki Matsui.

I said Matsui. You remember Matsui, the running back for the Bears. And you bumped it up to Hideki Matsui. Very nice. Were you working in a restaurant here during 95 when you first got here? Yes. And was it just everything in the city? Was people just talking about MJ every day?

Yes. And I was working in a restaurant in Venice called 72 Market Street, which is the first time I ever saw paparazzi because Richard Gere had come in and he had just broken up with Cindy Crawford. And I was like, whoa. And there were people lined up outside with your gerbil, sir. Crazy. I was like, what's going on? Like, what are they doing? And a friend of mine who worked there was like, that's the paparazzi. I was like, oh, that's how I see those. Someday, John.

Someday. Also, by the way, Richard Gere may be the most handsome man I've ever seen in my life. He is stunning. Especially in 1995. Coming from you, that's an unbelievable. 95, so grayish. Oh, yeah. Oh, just a solid pepper dream.

Which, by the way, why doesn't he do a show with Anthony Anderson called Grayish? John, you're meeting people back in the day. Your Lionel Richie story? All night long. Tell it. Can you tell us a little Lionel Richie? There is, I think still extant, a place in Westwood called Monty's. Yeah.

And it was at the top of a building in Westwood Village. And so apparently, and I didn't know this at the time, I was working at another restaurant that was kind of near there. And for whatever reason, I happened to go to this place after a shift. Someone was like, let's get a drink. I was like, fine. And I'm like, let's go to Monty's.

And I was like, sure. I don't know what that is. Let's go. And we go to this place, and I'm like, ooh, it's a little more fancy than I feel, because I'm in black and white's, like, you know, waiter gear. Waiter gear, yeah. But you kind of look dressed up.

You can kind of pull it off. And three people ask you for the check, and you're like, I'm not. I'm not. Right now, thank you. So I go to the bar, and I'm getting a drink for my friend. And I'm, like, standing at the bar, like, kind of waiting my turn. And I look to my left, and it's Lionel Richie. No.

Yeah. And I went, and I did a full dummy triple Juan Dumpel take. You're the world. And I was like, and all I could think of was like, there was a moment in time. By the way, Lionel Richie's's i think the album is called all night long yeah i have no it's it's no i have the album it's like him just did like a relaxed outfit yeah just like could not be brighter i'm like what's it called there's nothing dark about this no it's

like blown out so white he's like in and he's wearing like a he has that blue t-shirt yeah amazing hair mane of hair uh and all i can think of is like there was a time when lano richie arguably more pop that's the one you are oh yeah but that's not what's the what's the no that's the next album i know what it is but it's the one with all night long and all that other yes all right yet that record yeah one he won eight grammys so many so many there's the it's the one with All Night Long and all that other stuff. Yes. All right. That record won eight Grammys that year. So many. So many. It's chock-a-block hits.

It was Black Adele. There was a moment where... It was Black Adele. That's it. Yes, that's it. No, that's not the album. I will show you the album. It's not All Night Long?

No. I think it's All Night. Everyone you meet... Well, they'll be jamming in the streets. All Night Long. All Night Long. So you're next to... they'll be jamming in the streets. All night long. All night long. So you're next to him. Sambulita Sestimo, yeah?

I know. Hey, Jambo Jambo. So you saw him. So I'm standing next to Leonard Ritchie, and I'm like, well, I don't know. What's the protocol? And he's just by himself. He's just having a drink at Monty's on a Tuesday. Begging to be spoken to by someone who-

When he's a lawyer. Or desperately wanting to not be spoken to. Although if you desperately want to not be spoken to, then you're not out. Have a drink at your own house. Have a drink at home. It's a fair point. So I've said- Okay, it's Can't Slow Down is the name of the album.

That's him sitting in the thing. It's got- I don't think that's the record. All Night Long, Stuck on you uh running with the night hello is it me i look come on penny lover penny lover don't walk on by this is what i'm saying so what was your protocol what'd you do i said hi i said i have i'm so sorry i did i did the thing that everyone does i'm so sorry to I did the thing that everyone does. I'm so sorry.

To bother you. Fair. To bother you. Which people now say to you when they see you. Which people now say to me. And I said, but I'm such a fan of your work. That's a great in. And he looked at me and he went, thanks.

And I said, I'm John. I'm Lionel. Nice to meet you. And that was it. And I walked away. I had to let it go. And when did he finger you? Shortly after.

No. No. No. He told you to be a blind girl, make a sculpture, and he's going to get behind you. He was like, hello. Is it me? Now, there's a famous story from that video. Video.

Which is what? That Lionel Richie apparently had had and this is all hearsay apparently had a massive crush on that beautiful woman and had a hard on the entire time and sent her to his hairstylist and if that's not a power move same haircut

as him as him and the director was like what's what what why do you have the same hair And the director was like, what? Why do you have the same hair? Who ordered the standard black poodle? Again. You ran into Lionel years later, if I remember correctly.

Didn't you? You were backstage? Somewhere, yeah. And you asked him about it. Did he remember? No. Of course not. Of course he did.

All right, do we have one more story? We're just finishing up this one. Let's finish this one. The driver raced through the parking lot across the highway. Yeah, we saw the story. He left the drunk people behind. They fell off the couch when he sped away on the ATV. Because you're not meant to drive a couch on the road.

Not at that speed. He drove, he raced through the parking lot across the highway and onto the frozen Miramichi River. Still towing the couch through much of his escape. He just started driving over frozen water. Well, he's on an ATV. He can go anywhere. Canada move. By the way, let me just say that that couch

was an off-road couch as well. By the way, the fact that the couch is still connected in any kind of good shape. If I'm the maker of that couch, I use that in an ad. Brooke Dubman. Quote from the police. Because you like nice things.

Quote from the police. The two passengers from the sofa. No one knows what we're talking about. Dubman owned a small furniture store called Carol House Furniture because you like nice things. Our joke was that he always seemed like he was excited when there was a natural disaster

because it gave him an opportunity to slash prices. While lightning struck my uncle we took the opportunity to slash prices on this loveseat. In 2001 the Taliban attacked our freedom. That's why we're going to declare a war on high prices.

No. There may not be a better market for local advertising in St. Louis. The best. I mean, everybody says it. I do like your guys. You guys did do a bit. I think you must have been in Minnesota or something. Menards. But I will say that I will stack our...

Uncle Leonard. Uncle Leonard. Wild Warehouse waterbed. Yeah, Steve, yeah, those guys. Princess of Tile. Uh-huh. As we know, the unique boutique, Tommy Tucker. Against anybody.

Any... I mean, I want... We have a deep bench. But here's the thing. I went down a rabbit hole one time and watched, like I started watching stuff about the Pittsburgh Pirates from like the late 70s, early 80s, into some local pittsburgh commercials and i was like now i'm down in the rabbit hole of local pittsburgh commercials from 1979 and i'm loving it i don't

know because i guarantee you willie stargell was featured yeah he was i don't know why the three of you don't go back and do a local st. Louis commercial. Can we do something for Hi-Fi Faux Fum? You be hi, I be fi, and Jay's faux fum. Exclamation point. Take it from Fum. This weird mascot that was kind of a blob. The music note? What was it?

And they did car stereos. By the way, is there any business that has dried up more than that? Like the home stereo thing? The home high-end stereo business. Tape world. Gone. Yeah, maybe cassette tape world. But beyond that, yeah.

No, it's gone. According to Corporal Lurie, McEachern, the two passengers from the sofa or couch or whatever, I would say Davenport, you want to call it, were intoxicated. Really? In case anybody didn't have that on the board. Yeah. He got away, the guy on the ATV, but they got the four-wheeler later that day

and seized the four-wheeler, so now they just have to locate the driver. How hard can it be to find him? You have his two friends. Also, there's eight people in Nova Scotia. Yeah. And you have his four-wheeler. You're like, is it Dave?

No. Is it Jerry? No. Is it Mike? We're not saying. It's Mike. It's probably Mike. It's probably Mike. The fact that these guys had it Mike? We're not saying. It's Mike. It's probably Mike. It's probably Mike.

The fact that these guys had to go... We're not saying. These guys had to walk back into the police precinct. We lost them. Yeah. Two final things. It's just like, son of a... Yeah, we lost them, eh?

Two final things. Sorry. Sorry. McEachern, Corporal McEachern said, it is illegal to tow a couch through a drive-thru. This is the most Canadian thing but the two men on the couch were wearing helmets oh, they're okay

so safety was obviously somewhat important I'll say this about that God bless them they were wearing helmets well they were chasing them, if it's Canadian police they were on horses they can't get out there.

Final thing. The two local men will face yet-to-be-determined charges, which is also Canadian. They're like, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. By the way, this could be the plot of the next Strange Brew. Am I right? Or the new season of Fargo. Oh!

Yes. God, I would love that. Fuck. Canadian police. Two guys on a couch. Two guys on a couch. Two guys on a couch. Canadian police did find it odd at the age discrepancies of the two men. Oh, boy.

One of them is 28. How old do you guys think? All right, this is it. Guess the age. Go. Guess the age. One of them's 28. One of them's 28.

I have a number in my head already. Mine immediately went to 59. Mine went to 68. Mine went to 51. 51. I think I'm wrong on this one. One man is age 28. His older.

None of you went younger. Okay. His, oh, it could have been like an 11-year-old. No, but it's a man. No way. You said much older. 39 years old. Wow, that's not that old.

That's like a young uncle. That's his young uncle. It's a young uncle. Crazy young uncle. It's like a young pope. A young pope. Young pope, man. Black pope would have been better. Young pope? Excellent television.

Really? I haven't watched it yet. I gotta watch Young Pope. Dial it up. It's so good. It's so good. I'll dial up some Young. YP. PYP.

Speaking about Young Popes and straight players, we talked about Steven Seagal. Ponytailed popes. Ponytailed popes that he was calling in because he wants to reopen the book on all the... Case on all of his films? On all the films that he could have won, and he left us a voicemail, and let's take a listen to it. You have one new voice message. Konnichiwa. Hello, Sklar brothers. left us a voicemail and let's take a listen to it. You have one new voice message. Konnichiwa.

Hello, Sklar brothers. I've only got a couple of minutes left on my card, so I've got to make this quick. I saw what happened in the Oscars and I feel like we should do a retroactive investigation because I guarantee I was at least nominated, probably one, for Mark for Death above the law, not under Siege 1, but definitely under Siege 2. And I think that if we open it back up, it will just boost up who I am. Another thing that I recently opened up, I'm currently selling slightly used Girl Scout cookies that I signed

the box up, so it's $17 a box, and you do have to pick it up, and it's cash on delivery. And then if you also pick it up, if you give me a ride to the dry cleaners, I got two kimonos that I'm waiting to pick up. All right, I'll talk to you later. You guys are big wigs, so not as big as me, but size-wise, but if you could just help me out with this and then, you know, find out what I should have won,

that'd be great. All right, that's the beep. I got one minute left. Can I get you one? Wow. Oscars, so Seagal. John. Thin Mints.

John, what does he have? I think I would have to go Samoa. Yes! Oh, wow. Dan, you have found an ally. It is the best. I would have to go Samoa. Frozen Thin Mints.

Frozen Thin Mints are delicious. I'm just saying. If Steven Seagal Frozen Thin Mints are delicious I'm just saying if Steven Seagal is going to sign a box you're saying he would have picked the wrong one alright fine no

they're all good none of them are bad no but the Samoa also great cause yeah great cause

Steven Seagal's help is a wonderful cause alright so now get into it guys that is a show there you go that is how we do you can tweet

at Sklar Brothers and at Danny Van Kirk to say how right Jon Hamm and myself are. All right. No debate. All right. Jon Hamm, thank you. You have an open invite on this show any time. Thank you very much. It's always a pleasure.

Wear that hat and wear the hat. We'll wear it proudly. And we'll be back next week. Jamar Neighbors is on the show next week from the roast battle. Really funny dude. From Keanu. And from Keanu. He was so good as the blunt smoking guy from Keanu.

He was incredible. I like that movie. Guys, we'll be back next week. And thank you for watching or listening and rating and reviewing. We appreciate it. Kisses. Kisses on the bottom.