Dumb People Town - Jon Hamm - Cookie Chaser

Episode Date: September 18, 2018

This week, esteemed actor and maker-of-funnies Jon Hamm returns to Dumb People Town! In Story 1, a very sorry, very naked man starts a cookie-fire. Story 2 brings us a (now unemployed) school principal who picks a unique way to welcome the new kindergarteners. Story 3 is the tale of a man who finds strength in the power of song during his ...journey. I'm sorry!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population ham. John Ham. Welcome back.

It's me. Welcome back to the show. We had a wonderful time with you the last time we were in the lounge. My dreams were my ticket out, and now the names have all changed and I hung around. And then here we are. Those dreams have remained, and they're still around. Yeah. Who would have thought they'd leave you? Who would have thought they'd need you?

Back there we're there. Yeah, I know. Whatever. It was already too long Alright We're glad to have you back Into Dumb People Town Agreed

And it's an exciting time September And the dumbness is everywhere Are you talking about The same time September I was saying the dumbness Changes colors You know

Yeah you start to see Different shades of dumb Uh huh It's beautiful Buttery golds of dumb Rustic rusts And burgundiestery golds of dumb. This time of year. Rustic rusts and burgundies. Supreme Court judges of dumb.

You got midterm elections of dumb. Hey, it's Emmy night. Emmy night. We get to celebrate the career of Emmy Rossum. Hey! I can't believe that the whole program is going to be dedicated to just that. That's it. It's like a shameless thing and kind of that's it.

That's all. I mean, but look. Well-deserved. Seven seasons, guys. Well-deserved. I feel bad for Michael Che and Colin Jost that they're going to host it

and it's just going to be that. I don't mind. I'm in. Hey, a bunch of tributes and we're ready to go. By the way, it'll be fun. It'll be fun. And there won't be an In Memoriam

because she's still alive. Right. So it won't be a downer. There's still time. There's still time. That said, yeah. We never know. There's still time.

I don't want to presuppose and then have that on my face. I do every time, and I know people have talked about this, every time the In Memoriam happens and some people

get more applause than the other people. I know they're dead. I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But it upsets me on some of them. I had a thought today.

I was like, the lighting guy, somebody give him, come on, someone stand up and go crazy. Give him a little something. I had a thought today.

Wilford Brimley, still alive? Yeah. He won't get old anymore. I literally thought, I was like, I think he is. I think he's dead. If you eat that much oatmeal, you're probably sticking around. Well, we said Wilford Brimley, Craig Stadler, Andy Reid, and Mike Holmgren. Have you ever seen all those guys in the same spot?

That is the same guy. It's because they share a mustache. They say. They mail it to one another and they put it on and then they go. That would be a great group photo, though. If you could be in that group photo. The walrus.

I bet all of them at one point in their career had the nickname the walrus. Someone has called Wilford Brimley the walrus. Absolutely. And he doesn't like it. No, he was very angry about it. We live in Hollywood where we came from the was very angry about it. Ham, we live in Hollywood where is, we came from the Midwest, all four of us, and we live in Hollywood where body image

and body issues are just prevalent everywhere. When people call you the walrus and you don't correct them, you're okay with yourself. Absolutely. You're like, I am at my goal weight. That, by the way, suggests a very healthy mental health state. He was fine. And in Green Bay, he's kind of mental health state. He was fine. He's like Green Bay.

He's kind of thin. He's a Kansas City. He's a KC-10. By the way, I watched Cocoon not recently, maybe in the last year or so. The scene where Brimley is fishing right by

the overpass, which is right, he's like fishing off the highway. For compliments. And he got them. And he got a lot of them. Back then. Pulled up that net.

Is one of the most naturally acted scenes I've ever seen. I don't think Brimley hit a false note in his career. He was unbelievable. Unbelievable. I mean, we can't even talk about it. By the way, The Natural recently came up

and it is fall baseball time. It's like a very exciting time. But I was recently watched, someone sent a clip on a text chain or something of a part of The Natural something. Yeah. And it was one of nine.

And of course, I ended up watching all nine of them. And you realize so many famous people were in that movie. I mean, Glenn Close was at, I mean, she had a big part. But relatively small part.

Small, small, on-screen big character. I'm saying Glenn Close showed up to that set and she was nervous. Sure. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. She was kind of early in her career. Yes, yes. But there was like a murderer's row of character actors in that thing.

The best. They're like, who are we going to get? Let's get this guy who's done everything all the time. We'll get every old guy that kind of talks with like an old-timey accent that's been in every old movie and they're all awesome.

Robert Redford, Robert Duvall, Glenn Close, Kim Basinger, Wilford Brimley, Barbara Hershey, Robert Prosky. Hershey had a fucking run.

Prosky, by the way. Great character actor. Richard Farnsworth. Farnsworth. Another guy. There's so many good people in this movie Michael Madsen

Michael Madsen he's the guy that Billy Bump he's the guy that runs into the wall that's like 12 people 12 people who

on their own have opened movies movie stars yeah by the way have you ever worked with Madsen no

okay I feel like Michael Madsen at the end of every movie the crew who is like their job is to get the trailers they have to ask the question is he gonna, the crew who is like, their job is to get the trailers, they have to ask the question,

is he going to live in there forever? Is he going to? He wrapped like two weeks ago, right? He's still there. Who of us has to tell him that he's going to go live at the rental place? It's always like the lowest guy on the thing. The lowest PA.

The teacher captain's like, sorry, man. Hey, I know your uncle works at DreamWorks, and you're just here on an internship. You've got to get Madsen out. You've got to move Madsen out. Technically, on your first day, you said you could handle anything we threw at you.

This is it. You said your greatest weakness is that you have no weaknesses. Too friendly? Yeah, too friendly. I'm too good. Go. Put it to the test, son. Michael Madsen's trailer's right over there.

Now, there is a dog. And it is Michael Madsen. I will say there was a dog. Right. No one's seen him in a while. We haven't seen the dog in a while. All I know is no one's fed Madsen in a while, and I'm nervous for the dog. And he looks good.

He looks, like, full and satisfied. Dog's name? Michael Madsen. So, you pick. You pick one of them. You gotta get them both out. All right. So, the world's getting dumber. We know that.

And our dumb ears on the ground send us these great stories. Dan has one. Let's fight. Let's fight stupidity. Let's fire one up. This was sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH underscore three. And we just said this is a state of the Hiltner. I'm a member of the Hiltner Honors Program.

All right, ready? I'm going to read you this headline, and then we're going to get into some fun little moments. Naked man starts house fire while baking cookies on George Foreman grill. And if you don't think George Foreman tried to cook some cookies on the grill, then you don't know George Foreman. 100%. But he just succeeded. He succeeded. Because Foreman is not a loser. He's a winner. The headline didn't include the words. He once was a but he just succeeded he succeeded as foreman is not a

loser he's a winner the headline didn't include the words was a loser and then he came back as a winner chapter three his third act right his third act was unbelievable i'm surprised the headline didn't include the words two months after saying to her please come back this is a guy just trying to make it through, wants cookies, doesn't want clothes. Only has a George Foreman girl. And also, this tells me that he is alone. There is not somebody. There's not a roommate.

There's not a woman. In the previous story, he's Michael Madsen in the trailer. Yes. He's just trying to get his cookie on. Yes. The clothes are dirty. He's not done laundry in a minute. And he can't handle that cookie fat.

He wants it just sliding right off. Every notice in his life is the final one. Yes. A lot of yellow envelopes. A lot. Meanwhile, you know the people at George Foreman Grill are like, there is no way you can start a fire with this.

We've done every single... we are subsumed liability. It's impossible. Jeff, have you done cookies on it? But no one would cook cookies especially naked. No one's that dumb. I literally put sparklers on it, lit them and left them. It was fine. Nothing caught on fire.

It was fine. Just to be, okay, let me just recap for everyone here at the meeting. Sure. No one has tried to bake cookies on this thing. No. What are you saying? Somebody's going to do that naked? I'm just saying.

Who would do that? No one would ever do that. Nobody's that brokenhearted. I don't want to start a fire. All right. Did anybody here ever have a George Foreman chapter in their life? Yes. Of course.

We definitely had. Of course we had. I feel like there was a certain. It's a disaster of a product. From the first time that you cooked one thing on it. The first chicken fresh on there. The first turkey burger. Great.

Great. Oh, very good. Perfect. But you could not clean it. And then the rest of it is garbage. It's disgusting. You can't do it. For five years.

I've got a screwdriver and I just can't get this thing off here. I love that. Also, part of the package was they give you that weird, forky kind of cleaning. Yes, that melted on the... That immediately melts. Because it's made of shit plastic. And you're like, who thought of this? Foreman.

Because they feel like if you're going to get a George Foreman grill, you're not into cleaning anything off. You're not going to use that. They don't want six minutes for a chicken breast. Make my food on top of all the other food that I've ever made. I want something that's going to get preternaturally hot so that you can feel the heat radiating off it that's also made of plastic. And the truth of the matter is,

you've been to Great Greasy Spoons where they put the burger on, and then they've got that iron. Steak and shake much? Steak and shake in St. Louis, and they just leave it on there. So I think the George Farmer grill was like, oh, we're going to have a grill on the top.

You never see that. The science works. You never see that. The science works. Here, we're going to go top and bottom. That's panini technology. That is solid. You know, 17th century Italian food technology.

Thank you. Being brought to bear. And this guy somehow lit himself up. And who better to do that than a naked man. George Farmer. And George Farmer. And naked Farmer. This takes place in

Niceville, which is great. Sure it's not Niceville? It could be. Responding to a house fire last week, Neeser, Niceville police officers and firefighters encountered an odd sight. When firefighters got to the home around 5.30pm, that's some evening cookies.

Wow. That is some late afternoon cookie making. They got there at 5.30 p.m., that's some evening cookies. Wow, that is some late afternoon cookie making. What if we said- They got there at 5.30. The cookies started at 4. Oh, yeah. Like a late lunch. Wyatt started at 4.02.

And he is drunk. And we've always said this. And it's coming out on a shirt. Coming out on a t-shirt. 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day. That's right. You're deep by then. I mean, you're-

If you start it early. You start at noon. You're feeling it by then. 4 or 5 o'clock, 5.30, you're feeling it. You should probably by then. If you start it early, you're feeling it by then. You should probably work in a nap. Ready for this beautiful little nugget? When firefighters got to the home room 5.30pm, they could see smoke coming from the inside. A naked man opened the front door, said I'm

sorry, then closed the door. They pull up. Smoke is coming out of the house. He opens the door. They pull up. Smoke is coming out of the house. He opens the door. I'm sorry. Sorry, sir, sir. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, he closed the door.

I said I'm sorry. By the way, that could have been to a lot of people. Oh, yeah. Just the fire department. That might have been to an ex-wife. After he shut the door, he yelled, I'm sorry. Door shuts. Then to himself, he goes, Carolyn'm sorry. Door shuts then to himself. He goes, Carolyn.

Deborah. It's a woman. It's his neighbors. It's the neighborhood. It's the city of Niceville. I get that you're on fire. You see the cops coming. Your initial thought is, is he a nudist?

It's not to put clothes on. It's just sad. It's not clear. Also, maybe the fire was between him and his clothing. Could be. Could be. Could be. He's got living room, galley, kitchen,

but I can't get by anything. It's a railroad house. I'm going to say maybe trailer. Police officers, so fire department gets there. So a Madsen. By the way, you asked for a Madsen.

The next time you're on any movie or anything, like, I want a double Madsen. I want a two-banger Madsen. Police officers arrived shortly after to assist. So fire department got there first. He said no, closed the door, and they were like, just call the cops. They're not even going to ask.

One guy's got the axe. The big, breaching-the-thing axe. They're like, do we bust this guy's door down? He's already naked and on fire. Do we need him to buy a new door? He can't afford that. Exactly. White Cross, more problems. Let's just wait it out. They're mounting right now. Right, he's already naked and on fire. Do we need him to buy a new door? He can't afford that. Right, exactly. Why cause more problems in his life? Let's just wait it out.

They're mounting right now. Yeah, it'll burn itself out. Police officers arrived shortly after to assist. It was then that the man came to the door again, left it open, then went back into the house. No! You're coming in and you're not! Fine. It was definitely like an open it, fine.

Are you trying to cool down the whole neighborhood? There is some sort of fine here. There's some sort of resignment. It's just so lackadaisical. If you're going to save me, save me. Do I need to open the screen door for you two? Oh, God. That first just, I'm sorry, goes in, comes back out.

I guess they're serious about this. Fine. Door's open. Happy? Here you back out. I guess they're serious about this. Fine. Door's open. Happy? Here you go. Are you happy? It definitely was said. According to the offense report from the police department, the man showed no signs of understanding

the danger he was in since he was 14. There were several things on fire inside the house, including some towels. Not his towels. Oh, man. Well, you got to get something to cover up. You go for a towel, it's on fire. Although I have to be honest, naked man, daytime cooking cookies on a George Foreman, I'm impressed he has more than one towel.

That's right. Sure. That is a big move. There were some times in my younger life where I pretty much had one towel. I'm not surprised that they're all on fire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he probably was like, I got to put this out, and then he put it on, and then it came out. The first one was an accident that the towel got set on fire.

Then he took that as an affront by the fire and said, here, burn them all. He started arguing with the fire. You want them? I'm sorry. Here, here, look, look. I'm dipping them in olive oil. Look, look, here, here. Take my goddamn Big Johnson shirt while you're at it.

That's how he got naked. He just kept eating it. Oh, you're so hungry, fire? Take my cookies. I was hungry, too. That's why I made cookies. And definitely the cookies was his dinner. An officer.

Oh, yes. That's like last night it was right. I'm pretty sure Jim Beam was his dinner. Cookies were dessert. A cookie chaser. A cookie chaser. Yep. A cookie chaser.

That's the title of the episode. It's the title of the episode, but I wish that was the name of his ex-wife. Cookie chaser. Cookie, we had a good thing. We did. We were going to have a bunch of little chasers. Oh, Cookie. Cookie. Cookie, what went wrong? I was going to take your last name. Cookie, I'm sorry. Cookie, I had a good thing. We did. We were going to have a bunch of little chasers. Oh, Cookie. Cookie.

Cookie, what went wrong? I was going to take your last name. Cookie, I'm sorry. Cookie, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Cookie. Open the door. I'm sorry. Cookie.

An officer detained the man and removed him from the house for his own safety, which is what I hope they kept. This is for you, man. This is for your own good. No, don't turn around. Nope. Nope. Firefighter said if he stayed in the home much longer, he could have possibly died from

smoke inhalation, which I think may have been what he was going for. I don't know. Go, nope. Firefighter said if he stayed in the home much longer, he could have possibly died from smoke inhalation. Yes. Which I think may have been what he was going for. I didn't go for it. I wonder, is there a modesty situation that they put? Or do they just roll him up into the cruiser? Probably roll him up into the cruiser, right? Handcuffed.

I bet they have to have in the back of their car the naked drop cloth or something. Something, man. Because I don't want you on my stuff. Mylar wrap. Also like whose job is it at the station

to then towel down wipe it down. No I hope they just throw it on him. The newest guy. The newest dude. I hope they just throw a huge

It's the same PA that had to get Madsen out. Sorry we had to get Madsen out. Can you help us out? It's in Niceville. We need you in Niceville. We need a hard rub down in the backseat. I want him to leave him

naked on the front lawn and then just throw a huge towel or sheet over him like a cat under it. And he's just got to work his own way out of it. A net. A net with rocks on it. In a report, an officer said he and another officer were

in the house for about five minutes and had a hard time breathing. Firefighters went inside with oxygen masks. Cops should have probably done that, too, to remove burning items. The man admitted to drinking two liters of vodka. Oh. That's pro. That's a lot.

Those are two handles. That's a lot of vodka. That is a lot. And smoking. But no, no. And smoking. Wait, no. That's what he admitted to. We admit to way less than smoking. But no, no. And smoking. Wait, no. That's what he admitted to. We admit to way less than we do.

Sure, sure. So it might be three. Two and a half handles. The man admitted to drinking two liters of vodka and smoking marijuana starting around what time of day do you think he started that day? We got to him at 530. Right. So we need to figure out the time.

Jon Hamm, you are our guest. You can go first. I'm going to guess. I'm going to start. I'm going to say he started after church. Okay. 10 a.m. 10 a.m. Alright, Jon Hamm, Jason and Randy Sklar. What time do you think? He definitely drinks his vodka fast.

I think he started at noon. Noon? This is like, he is right in the depths of whatever he's... He hasn't had time to burn it off. This is a guy if he's making cookies on his grill, he has no curtains on his house. He's a doer. He wakes up when the sun comes up.

That's what I thought, too. He's got a plan. So he's up at 6, 7. I think by 8, 30, he was drinking and into his day of drinking. Two handles is a lot for one person. That's a lot of water. Yeah. If you were to just do something

that had no taste. Yeah, that's, if you, somebody said drink, by halfway through the second one, you're like, I can't keep drinking this water. I got a slush belly.

I got a thing. Okay. There are times when I'll be like drinking out of a, just a one liter water. I'm hydrated. I'm hydrating, and I'm like,

this is too much. Too much. I feel it up at my chin. All right, so you said 12, you said 10, I said 830. Okay.

Correct. Randy, you said 12, 830 from Jason, and you said 10. Right in the middle. I'd like to think whatever time he started drinking, 20 minutes prior to that is when he started crying. Yeah. A man admitted to drinking two liters of vodka and smoking marijuana starting around 9 a.m. Oh!

Yes! I'm 30 minutes off, bro. 30 minutes I was off. That's pretty damn good. 9 a.m. You worked it out right, too. You showed your work. Yeah, there was like the curtainless house.

I know why he does. As he poured the first glass, he was like, tell me I can't do something all day. Yeah, tell me I can't do it. He was examined at the scene and had no life-threatening injuries. The report said he refused further medical treatment. Get off me. Yeah. I'm fine.

I know. I'm sorry. You're coughing up black mucus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He probably said I'm sorry so many times. Oh, man. That's his default.

Based on the fire department's investigation, the man allegedly tried baking cookies on a George Foreman grill, which he left unattended. There's your first problem. You've got to watch that George Foreman. And again, the George Foreman people will tell you, it's fine. You cannot start this on fire. We have run through all scenarios. Did you bake cookies?

We've done computer models. We have tried to put computers on the George Foreman. Artificial intelligence, machine learning suggests that someone will never... And you know that's true. In all those things, they have to try and think of the dumbest way someone could use something. They have liability issues. They could get sued into oblivion. I know.

And by the way, they have, in my opinion, the wrong people in those jobs. So you've got to put a dumb person... You should get someone from this guy to be like... What am I going to do? I've got to start on fire? Well, give me some god damn cookie dough and some vodka two handles of vodka

some cookie dough some marijuana and let me call my girl and tell her I love her and want her back and a picture of cookies product testing should be that

you should have to leave your product on like a little end table on a corner street in Florida with the words use this and just

then see what happens and that's how you test it give it a shot. Here's a GoPro, put it on your face. Right by the snake museum. What could go wrong? So he left his George Foreman grill unattended. At this point in his life

you can't leave George Foreman unattended. Based on CTE and everything like that. There's a whole lot going on. So this is a bad idea from the get-go. Well, based on the fire department's investigation, the man allegedly tried baking cookies on the George Foreman grill, which I said he left unattended. The grill and the cookies caught fire, so he put

dry towels on top of the grill. Tommy. To, like, just ignore it? Just be like, oh, it'll suffocate itself off. Yeah, that'll take care of it. Dry towel? This flammable thing on top of it. This fluffy, cotton, dry piece of kindling.

Those caught fire too. I guess I better throw some grass at this. Some dried grass and stuff. Maybe I could drown it with this lighter fluid. I got a big pile of old Nat Geo sitting over there. Maybe I'll just... What is this thing that keeps pushing air on it?

You got a bellows? What else do I have for my fireplace that keeps pushing air on it? I just keep squeezing it like an accordion. I got a bellows. I got a bellows. What else do I have for my fireplace that I can throw on this? That should blow it out. I want to get a Cub Scout that's deeply trained in starting fires to come put this out. Jeremy, get over here. I'm just going to rub these two flint rocks together right over it. All that caught fire, too, causing the fire to spread.

I just hope the next day he bought a birthday card that started out, Dear Daughter, I tried to make you cookies. Your mother won't tell me where you're at these days. Oh, no. Anyway, Daddy's buying new clothes. Daddy needs some new towels. Turns out I'm out of vodka again.

You know it's a rough Tuesday when you're already out of vodka and towels. And? That's story one. There you go. We are off and running. I have That's story one. There you go. There you go. We are off and running. I have a contribution because somebody sent this to me. Hold on to it.

Let's do it on the break right on the other side. Before we take a break, I want to thank and mention all of the Drip members or a handful of Drip members that have signed up. We are so appreciative.

If you haven't signed up for the Drip yet, it is important. We would like to. We're donating a portion of what everybody's giving to Jan Flato, and we want to pay him back the money that he lost. You guys can do it. I know that you can. As a community, we can do this.

And then, of course, if you sign up at different levels, you get all kinds of stuff, including merch, content, merch, a chance to co-host The Thing with us. Go to d.rip slash dpt and sign up today. We have about 400 people, 375 to 400 people. Let's get this thing to 5,000. We can do 5,000. Let's thank a few people right now. Daniel. Are you ready?

Yes. You know what I love about this too? What? All the people whose names I'm about to read get to say to someone, yeah, go listen to the latest Jon Hamm episode of Dumb People Town. Because I'm on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

We want to thank Ian. Yeah, thanks Ian. Eric File. I file that under the Eric File. Jim Scott. The Jill Scott of Jim's. Michael Scott. Steve Retzer.

Tammy Trimble. I love that alliteration. Tammy Trimble is a perfect alliteration and to me is like, hey, you want to turn up the Tammy Trimble on that stereo? Holly Robinson, which just sounds like the name of every girl you had a crush on in high school. Holly Robinson is so beautiful.

She was a swimmer. She was so nice. Maria Pendolino. Oh, Pendolino. That's a great name. Oh, another great name. Dana De La Vega. Dana De La Vega.

Didn't she sing? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, De La Vega. Robbie Holmes, who you know was good at high school baseball. Dude, I saw Robbie Holmes throw a baseball over the school. What? That's levitation, Holmes. Yeah.

Jen Braun. Jen Braun. And Mallory Bradford, the Maria Bamford of our fan base. It's the best. And then- There's one more name on here. There's one more name on this list, Dan. There's one more name on this list. And he is special to me.

He is special to you. Be the change you want to see in your own life by being part of the change. He's contributing to it, you guys. I know. He's one of our favorites. We love him. If I could reach out and give him a podcast hug, I'd do it right now. Jan Flato! Yes, Jan Flato.

Alright, there you go. Thank you to all those Drip members. You guys are the best. Everyone else, jump on board. Let's get to 5,000. We can do this. Jan's doing it. We can do it. All right, let's take a break.

We'll be back with Jon Hamm. More Jon Hamm right after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dump People Town. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Dump People Town. We're with Jon Hamm. Hello.

And he just passed around in the break a photo of him. Not him. Of what could be. Not him. Of him from a different dimension. A photo sent to him if there was a doppelganger him who lived on death. Sliding doors. Yeah, sliding doors.

But the sliding doors went to a dark, dark, terrible place. Right, right, right. Not like three bad decisions in my life. No. All the bad decisions in my life. And if anyone wants to see it, all they have to do is Google Man Taunts Bison

because that's what that story is from. That guy has since been arrested and charged. He is drunk. His excuse was, I was drunk and thought it would be fun to mess with the bison. No. Never fun to mess with the bison.

Bison, by the way, look very cute. They're very furry. They're also the size of a car. I know. fun to mess with the bison. Bison, by the way, look very cute. They're very furry. They're also the size of a car. I know. That guy looks like if we were on set together and you had to step away and come back

and everything's good, that that guy is in your life and you're like, my fucking cousin. You know, my God, it's like Jeff Ham. Jeff Ham will not leave us. Jeff Ham.

We keep giving him chances. And he's not a bad guy. No, he wants to do a mixed bag decision. He wants to do the right thing. He's got a couple things wrong. So John is on set

and he goes to shoot a scene and he comes back and Jeff is sitting in. Jeff, why are you here? Jeff, what? What, man? What, Jeff? What, am I supposed

to not talk to people? That's the kid, man. My name's on the back of the chair, too, man. It's not. It just says ham on it. That's not all hams. You have to come back after every take

and you're like, who did he talk to? And he just keeps saying to you, he just keeps saying, next of kin, man. That only applies in death. And okay, baby, and okay. Read the rules. There are none. That's not in the rules.

John comes back from a take and he just hears Jeff saying, me too, me who. No, no, Jeff, no. Get him off. Get him off. Get him out of here, Jeff. I'm sorry. Hey, John. He just said to Kevin Hart, I have a lot of black friends.

No, no, Jeff. Enough. It's Jeff, Kevin. I am sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. Hey, John, you mind if I roll in when they yell first team? No, you can't. Come on. No.

Seated. Come on. Jeff, I bought you those tickets to Yosemite. I know you want to get out in the outdoors. Get out. It'll be fun. Just promise me not to mess with the wildlife. Don't mess with the...

It's like, that is illegal. That's a national park. Do you remember, John, on the corner of Ballas and Olive, now it's like a bunch of apartments, but it used to be some guy's house, and there were buffalo roaming around there. That's like right by our house. There was just buffalo roaming around like right near our house.

That was a very, very cool thing. I would never taunt those things. Even as a little kid, we knew not to do that. Absolutely not. You're like, oh, we can observe those from a car. Thank God there's a fence. Jeff Hamm doesn't care. God damn it. Hey, I'm a rule breaker, y'all.

And you know Jeff Hamm turned to the bison at one point and said, what'd you say? What'd you come back to? Hey, what? Why don't you say that to my bison? Oh, my God damn beer. John, did I tell you about the time I stole Michael Madsen's dog? No.

Jeff. I still got him. I'm literally still paying the legal bills from that. That's not the guy you want. I got him. Hey, come on. I'm going to go steal craft services. That's free anyway, Jeff.

What's a Madeline? What's a Madeline? No, you cannot take your shirt off on the Matterhorn. Jeff? Come on, man. Jeff. Come on. Come on.

Are you guys ready to do this? Let's do it. Oh, I want to say. Oh, wait. Hey, by the way. Before we get deep. Bad times. Bad times at the ORL.

At the ORL. Coming to theaters near you October 15th. I saw an extended trailer. It looks so dumb. Oh, my God, man. And I was. Drew Goddard. This year, I went deep down on the road.

What was the, now I'm not going to forget the name, but deep down the path of Netflix watching all the Black Mirrors. Oh, cool. This to me feels, and I always felt like a few of those Black Mirrors. But you were great. Loved your Black Mirrors. You were amazing in the Black Mirrors. Fantastic. But there were a few of those episodes where I was like, oh my god, if you just expanded

this out a little bit more and had another storyline, this could be a movie. This, to me, feels like along those lines. It's definitely got that kind of Hitchcock-y, Tarantino-y vibe to it. And Drew Goddard, who directed it and sort of known his first feature, I think, was Cabin in the Woods. But he comes out of the Joss Whedon world and Buffy and this and that. Very, very talented guy. One of the few things, few offerings in the theater

that is not based on something else. It's not based on a comic book or an amusement park ride or a board game or anything. And it just kind of exists in its own world. And Drew is a huge cinephile. He's a crazy, he's a crazy talented, visually talented guy.

The DP that shot it was this guy Seamus McGarvey who did all the Joe Wright movies so he's he's an Irish guy he's very famous for very lush kind of cinematography it looks really cool and it's a very twisty tourney kind of who done any kind of thing so it's a I'm so it was really neat I got an opportunity to do it it was I was I'm sort of hired and then had to be on set like two days later. I was like, oh, okay. Wow.

That's great. And had a blast making it. Good people. Yeah, I can't wait to see it. October 15th, right? I believe so, yes. Great. And gutter was always late, so you were always waiting for it.

At Sklar Brothers. Thank you, Randy. Bring it on. Randy picking it up. Okay, you guys ready for this one? Yes, let's do it. This was sent in by Ween Lebowski at Ween Lebowski. Thank you.

You should know how to spell it. Do you think that he's a fan of both Ween and the Big Lebowski? Yeah, probably. A Chinese kindergarten principal has been fired. Okay, stop. You could say anything now. You'd be like, eating children. You could say anything.

And I'd be like, yep. I'd be like, yep. Exp could say anything. And I'd be like, yep. Exposing his genitals to the class gerbil. Smuggling alligators. Shoving his snake up his ass. Turning the skin of a cat inside out. Practicing magic. Just practicing.

Just practicing. A Chinese kindergarten principal has been fired for short of hand. Light of hand. Light of hand. Light of hand. Light of hand. Short of hand. Short of hand. Short of hand.

No, literally, they don't let short-handed people be principals anymore. Would you believe that? You got one hand shorter than the other. And it was written out, but they just gave each other a look, and they had a short hand about it. It was clearly short-handed. Chinese kindergarten principal has been fired after she welcomed students back to school at the beginning of term with a pole dancing display

why? why fire somebody for that? you couldn't even think of that I think I think that's a promotion that is every father of the school

is like look at this look at this image kids cause the kids are in the shot this woman is dancing on a pole she is literally

pole dancing by the way she's wearing heels super short shorts heels definitely stripper shoes is this and one kid

has his phone up he's like I'm getting this by the way I love that this woman is fully findable and like the most famous actress in China

is like missing like gone right this woman findable and that like so okay she's a woman in China is like missing. Like gone. This woman, findable. She's a woman in China. So she once was a baby girl. She made it through the system.

Sure. I'm living on house money. I'm employed. I'm marginally fit. I can do it. I can do the moves. I have the shoes. I have the shoes. And more importantly, I have the pole. What do I can do the moves. I have the shoes. I have the shoes.

And more importantly, I have the pole. What do I need? An audience. What do I have? An audience. Children's kids. Let's maximize. They're going to have to see it sooner or later. Chill out.

I'm going to bring up every argument that every dad who wants her to stay in the principal's in there. They are going to be- They're going to see it eventually. They don't know what it is right now. They don't care. It's art to them. It's the internet. It's fun. They really just listen see it eventually. They don't know what it is right now. It's art to them. It's fun. They really just listen to the music.

It's like the greatest show when she comes down the silk thing. The greatest showman. The internet. The weird thing was the music was the farmer in the dell. That was a lot of mixed messages. Not sung by a kid in a creepy sort of way. Not a weird tinkly piano way. I mean, when you think about it, all they did was just take the tether ball from the pole.

Exactly. She's the human tether ball. She's the new tether ball. Go up there and give it a spin around. Spin around. Honey, I think we should get... Everybody deserves a second chance. The children and parents.

And the kindergarten and... Every dad. Every dad. Why are we jumping to conclusions? We're supporting the arts. I'll tell you what. Let's have her over for dinner. We can discuss it like adults.

Or the dad who takes the nuclear option is like, okay, so I guess you don't want your kid to go to school anymore. Wait, what? No, no. I mean, no. I didn't realize you were anti. I'm calling the school district to pull our child out of school. Okay, fine. I guess we don't want our kid to be educated.

You're anti-school now. She wants him to be dumb. She wants him not to learn things. No, keep dancing. Yeah, yeah, no, no. Children and parents at the kindergarten in Shenzhen. I'm going to try it. In the southern province of Guangdong.

I don't know. Watch as a female pole dancer performed on a flagpole in a large courtyard. Videos posted by... Let me just ask the question, did she fold the corners? I am at half mass. Did anyone salute? She literally ran it up the flagpole. I see you with salute.

And a lot of the guys, a lot of the fathers... It turns out a lot of guys did. A lot of the fathers were standing at attention. A couple of the mothers, but a lot of the guys did. It turns out a lot of guys did. A lot of the fathers were standing at attention. A couple of the mothers, but a lot of the dads were like, here we go. Standing at attention. Videos posted by parents on Monday show the skimply dressed dancer spinning and leaning seductively on the flagpole from which a Chinese flag was flying. Speaking to state media, the principal, Lai Rong, said there had been, I'm going to ask you guys, how many children do you think were in attendance for this welcome back?

Kindergarten. Kindergarten class. You want to go first, Tig, which is second, or third, John Hamm? Do you want to go first, second, or third? Is this, you have to get it without going over? No, you go over. Price is right. No, you just straight up close.

We're not prices right. I'll go first, 40. 40, okay. Jay? I'd say it's China. There's a lot of people in China. I think there were 100 kids there. Okay, Jason? I think lot of people in China. I think there were 100 kids there. Okay, Jason?

I think there were 80 kids there. I think there were 40 kids per classroom. And two classes. Okay. The children. Please be 1,000. The amount of children. Age three to six.

More people that have seen any of our shows recently. You could fill an auditorium. That's right. They said there had been 500 children. Oh, man! And 100 parents. 600 people. Wait, but like only 100 parents?

500 kids? Let me correct that. 100 parents to start with, and then like 60 other dudes came in. Some random bystanders. Four janitors? So weird. Two janitors? That's so weird. Two janitors from a different school. She's just dancing being like,

feel free to tip! I'm gonna tip! That's like Largo. That is. Largo's like 280 or 300. 500 is like more than Largo. It's insane. That's an insane amount of people. The first Monday in September is the start of the new school year in China,

and schools often hold ceremonies to mark the occasion, usually involving motivating speeches by the principal or alumni. How is that not motivating? That is a motivational move if I've ever seen it. How is that not motivating?

I'm coming tomorrow. Yes. I'm definitely there. Literally. Attendance is up. Shenzhen-based journalist Michael Standert said that on social media he planned to take his children

out of school following the performance. Let's not overreact. I mean, it is crazy. Jay, your daughter's about to go into kindergarten. If you showed up and there was a teacher doing a poll... If you want to take your kid out of school, you'd want to have that woman evaluated.

The school stays the same, have that woman evaluated. Yes. You'd have a talk. Yeah, the school stays the same, but that woman should be there. Stan Dart said there were advertisements around the courtyard for a pole dancing school. The writer said when he and his wife called the principal to complain, the official hung up on them after saying it was a good exercise. It was a good exercise. They also advertised the school. It was a very good exercise. It was a good exercise. They also advertised the script. Very good exercise. Speaking to CNN Standard,

some students were uncomfortable with the performance, but added, things were now moving back to normal under a new principal. They fired the principal.

They fired the principal. I'm going to show you guys a little. What else could she do in this world? By the way, a bolder stance by the school district.

Here she is dancing. There's video of it. Sloan? Oh, is that? No, I think she's just controlling the... Look at the guy in the front. He's like, what is that? There's video of it. Oh, yeah. Sloan? Oh, is that? No, I think she's just controlling the... Look at the guy in the front. He's like, what?

There is nothing more kindergarten ready than that. Yeah. A bolder choice by the Chinese school district than the Catholic church, by the way. Yes. Yes. There you go. They took an actual... At least they're out in the open.

They didn't move her to a different school. They didn't move her to a different school. She's been relocated. Here's the other thing about her. I bet if she strips, she makes more money and probably has more better benefits. So Dan is that? She's not without skill. She is the principal doing that, right?

No, no, no, no, no. The principal hired her. The principal hired her. Yeah, in a statement posted to Weibo, I forget how they call their social media, on Monday afternoon, a local education bureau said an investigation had found a pole dancing business had been invited to the kindergarten to perform. The district education bureau believes performing pole dancing for kindergarten children is not appropriate. Now I want to go to the pole dancing business going like, we need to branch out.

We got to figure out a way to get our thing in front of more people. We have adults. We've done the flyers. That's right. We've plastered the neighborhood with flyers. We need to get our audience younger. We need to grow an audience. Where do we go? And then you have them for life.

Think about Justin Bieber. Those kids were 8, 9, 10, now they're in their 20s and they love him. I'm going to throw it out there and you're going to think it's crazy. No idea is crazy. Let me just say it. Throw it on the pole. I know a woman who runs a school. Let's do a kindergarten.

Kindergarten. I think we start young. First of all, let me say this. What could go wrong? They're four and five. They probably won't even remember it. Second of all, there's going to be 500 kids there. We get 10% of those kids

and at least 100 parents. So look, when are we performing? People are like, if we get 1%. If we get 1%, guys, that's 60 guys. That makes our month. I mean, I wasn't in before, but the way you put it, I'm in. I'm sorry. It's a good idea.

I always like when somebody has a bad idea and says, if there's a better idea, tell it to me. And everybody's like, now? Okay. We weren't ready with that. Not doing that? That doesn't count. That doesn't count. That doesn't count. Principal Lai told the tabloid Global Times that while, quote, a few parents had requested a refund,

others wanted to, quote, learn a new type of dance. Thank you. Some parents came up to her and said, you're making my point. I know. We'll get out of here on this. She said she arranged the dance because of the dancer's excellent skills. I just hope that she was a regular at this strip club and was like, I'm going to get you a gig. I also love that it's a woman making these decisions.

Yes. In China. It's not a creepy guy who's like, listen, my girlfriend needs some money and it's got a thing. It's progressive. It's a lady going, I'm supporting other women. This is hashtag May 2. And I... Damn it, Jason. Jason other women. This is hashtag May 2. Jason. I love that

everyone identified him immediately. Jason, stop. John! Wasn't me. I have a very different voice. John, I'm really disappointed. We do this show all the time and you just walk in here and you don't know the rules. No, but I do think that is, like to me, Dan,

you just said it and it to me got me thinking that she hangs out at the strip club, she gets drunk with all these people, and she promised a lot of shit to them while she was drunk. Because they were giving her free... Yeah. She had the buffet. She's like, I'll get you in.

And I'll be honest, I've been to the strip clubs in Portland where it is a bar scene more than it is even a strip club. Well, we went. And you watch an amazing performer, man or woman, on a pole. You're like, that is insane how amazing some of that is. It's a skill.

When they go completely sideways and then walk through the air around the pole. A skill. I mean, it is unreal. And by the way, you kind of are at a bar and you're like,

hey, what's that noise going? At a bar, a regular bar. Hey, what's going on over there beside the poker table? Is this a casino? We're not supposed to talk about that, man. What is this? Oh, shit, there's a regular bar. Hey, what's going on over there beside the poker table? Is this a casino? We're not supposed to talk about that, man. Oh shit, there's a stripper. That's how casual it is.

It is in Portland. So maybe it's casual in China. Maybe she was like, come on, we got to reward this. I don't know about kindergarten. I don't know if kindergarten is where it's casually just happening. Hey man, this is dumb people town.

Exactly. Anything goes in dumb people town. That's story two. Story two, down in the books. All right, Jon Hamm is with us. Can you give us a little taste or tease of what we have on story number three, Dan? A man breaks the law, and the band Journey is involved. Okay.

I'm so in. I'm in. I will never stop believing. All over it. Neil Shum. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Jon Hamm here. That's me. Yes, we do. Randy and I this weekend are in Ann Arbor, Michigan doing shows at our alma mater. Alma mater. That's right. Nice.

We're going to see the Nebraska game. When's this dropping? This drops tomorrow. Oh, phenomenal. I'm on my tour right now. I mean, if you're in Ann Arbor, you guys, you at your old college grounds doing shows, the energy is going to be unreal. First 12 minutes on Urban Meyer.

We'll see. Wait, Hammer, that's not the only movie you've got coming out. Don't you have like three movies that are in the works right now? In the can? In the can. That's the only one coming out anytime soon. Right, okay. But you just finished stuff.

I just finished stuff. I just finished some things. A film with Natalie Portman and myself. Lovely. We're writing stuff. We're out of her. That's Noah Hawley, who is responsible for Television's Fargo, as well as Television's Legion. Hell yes. It's his first feature, so very exciting stuff.

Awesome. It's going to be a good one. And Portman just seems like the dopest person ever. Absolute delight. An absolute delight. Funny and friendly and kind. She goes to our synagogue. She goes just seems like the dopest person ever. Absolute delight. An absolute delight. Funny and friendly and kind. She goes to our synagogue. She goes to our synagogue and my kids.

She's a neighbor. She's in the neighborhood. She goes to our synagogue and my kids saw her and lost their mind because they're now on the Star Wars. Oh, on Star Wars. Yeah, and watch her host SNL. And I was like, okay, this is. No, she couldn't be nicer. Would definitely work with her again.

Phenomenal. You hear that, Portman? I know you're listening. All right, we'll get her on the podcast. Well, you guys will come back to promote that. All right, Daniel, and you're on tour yourself, brother, right? Yeah, right now. Go to Daniel Van Kirk to look at details, but I'll be...

Just go to Daniel Van Kirk. No.com or anything. Just go to Daniel Van Kirk. There's no www. Just walk up to him and ask. Yeah. Go tell him. Go to Daniel Van Kirk. He'll be like, I'm going to be here then. I will be here and here. Yeah. In fact, I am here right now. There's no WWW. Just walk up to him and ask. Yeah. And he'll tell you. Go to Daniel Vankirk.

He'll be like, I'm going to be here then. I will be here and here. Yeah. In fact, I am here right now. Daniel, easy to find. Houston, Austin, Dallas, Lafayette, Baton Rouge, DanielVankirk.com. Come out and say hi to him. Tour of the South.

The SEC. The 2018 Humidity Tour. Heck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on a Cajun tour. Cajun food tour with Karen, your bus driver. I'll be sweaty. You will be sweating.

And then there'll be hot food shoved in your face. Yeah. Are you guys ready for this? Let's do it. Send in by Cindy Sack. She's sacked up. At Mrs. Sack. S-A-K.

She's straight up sacked up for this one. I'm going to tell you right now, you can do the honors of trying to describe to townies who haven't heard it yet or to Mr. John Hamm himself, we've got a Greenlee. Oh. All right. Please. So, Patton Oswalt was recently on the episode, and the writer, the journalist is a loser. From the TC Palm. From the TC Palm.

In Florida. Palm, Florida. Palm Beach, Florida, is a guy named Will Will Greenlee and he likes to over-explain things in his articles. I think Greenlee has a word limit. He's got to get to 1,500 or he's got to get to 1,000 words. Or it doesn't count. So there's enough

story to go to like 750. So there will be... His signature Greenlee is he explains things that we already know. Sure. So that being said. Okay. Here we go. Let's go.

Vero Beach. What's a guy to do on the ride to jail? I would say sit there. Yeah. You know what I say. Enjoy it. Yeah. You got to enjoy the ride.

It's short. It's about Brody Stevens. You ever have that where it's a path that you drive all the time, and then for some reason you find yourself, whether an Uber or a friend of yours is driving, and you can now look around? But I wonder, when you're arrested, you're like, I never get to look around back here.

Why not take some time for me? If not now, when? Also because pretty soon I won't be able to. That's right. I won't see the outside. Last time I was in a backseat. I'm going to tell you guys right now, if I ever get arrested, when they get me out of the car,

You will not get arrested. I'm going to look at the cop who drove if I ever get arrested, when they get me out of the car. You will not get arrested. I'm going to look at the cop who drove and be like, five stars, buddy. Yeah, exactly. Five stars. I'm telling you right now. Five stars, buddy. I got you. Thank you.

Hey, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What's a guy to do on the ride to jail? For Seth Coffey, it apparently was to ask. Seth Coffey. It sounds like a comic from like 1994. Or a character. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Seth Coffey. Was to ask? It sounds like a comic from like 1994. Or a character that...

Put your hands together for Seth Coffey! Hey, did we just hear... Seth Coffey does sound like a linebacker for Auburn. Or the high neck roll. The high neck roll. Seth Coffey, welcome him to the stage. He was on Premium Blend, but it got cut out. Still a great dude.

He was a writer on Guy Code. Seth Coffey. You definitely know, like Lorne Michaels at one point said, we're cutting the Seth Coffey sketch after Dress. Has anybody seen Seth Coffey? Are we doing Seth Coffey? He was a story editor on the show Studs. Please welcome to the

stage, Seth Coffey. Remember Studs? Does anyone remember Studs? He had five lines on Herman's head. Seth Coffey. Seth Coffey. He was in the league for a head. Seth Coffey. Seth Coffey. He was in the league for a cup of Seth Coffey. Just a cup of Seth. Oh, come on.

All right, for Seth Coffey, his ride to jail, it was apparently to ask to listen to music and sing a Journey power anthem from 1981, according to the arrest. Okay, so 81, that's escape. Journey's escape. Journey's escape. That's escape. But I will also take issue

with the writer's use of power anthem. I've heard power ballad and I've heard anthem. Or rock anthem. I've heard power anthem. He's mixing. He's mixing genres.

That's a greenling not a greenling. That's a greenling. Could have gone with anthem. Went with power anthem. Power ballad. Needed one extra word there. I mean.

All of Journey's songs are anthemic. Right. Yes. So is it. So now here's the question. And endemic of our society. So is it Who's Crying Now or Open Arms? Like, because that's the.

No, I think it's Don't Stop Believing because. What's your favorite Journey song? Mine's Faithfully. I mean, I like old weird. Old like feeling that way off of Evolution. And like you would listen to it like on like KC-95

because the speakers he's like feeling that way and then they'd immediately go to ooh anytime that you want me so it's in the middle

and then it goes out to the outer part of the speakers that's pretty great that was when you knew you had stereo sound Greg Rowley from Santana was in Journey at that point

so I always loved the Greg Rowley you know, Steve Perry. Just the same way. Also, there was something about Steve Perry's voice back then. It was, no one sang like that guy. No way. No one could. I mean, you listen to him and

there's like video footage of him, the three, he, Huey Lewis, and who else? And someone else was in, it wasn't Cyndi Lauper, right? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, it was Cyndi Lauper for We Are The World.

But they have the outtakes on YouTube. And so like, you watch it over and over again. He just, he's magic every single time. And he's in like a coat that looks like he's about to leave at all moments.

So my daughter, who's four and a half, loves Don't Stop Believin', but the live version from Houston in 81. And he keeps, you know, he's like, just a song out of a lot. Born and raised right here in Houston. Crowd goes crazy.

Of course. For some reason, I played her the other version, Born and Raised in South Detroit, and she's like, it's wrong. She's like, he's doing it wrong. And as Nate Fritzen will tell you, our comedy friend, no such thing as South Detroit. There is no such thing as South Detroit. No such thing as South Detroit.

I really also like Who's Cryin' Now. will tell you, our comedy friend, No Such Thing in South Detroit. No, there is No Such Thing in South Detroit. No Such Thing in South Detroit. Absolutely not. I really also like Who's Crying Now. Who's Crying Now? Why something good could hurt so bad? Nice, Dan. So, Who's Crying Now

was the first, was our first introduction into Journey. No, that, and that's like, and that song even kind of lingered for a little bit

as we headed into like sixth, seventh grade. Well, because then Frontiers. They were a hit machine. Oh, man. Hit machine. A hit machine. So once Jonathan Cain joined the band

post-Greg Rowley and played like that's when they wrote like all those hits and he was like on all those. Does anybody remember I think we might have talked about this before.

Does anybody remember the Journey video game? No. Yeah, it was a skate. You had to like leave the concert without the groupies. You're shooting notes

out of a guitar. It's amazing. I believe it was at Brunswick Bowling Academy. I think it was at Saints Roller Skating. Might have been. If I may. Might have been. Coach Light, perhaps, but I think it might have been Saints.

Ham definitely remembers Coach Light. Saints was right by your house. Yeah, it was right there. You could walk to Saints probably. No way. And Strike and Spare. Yeah, you were at Olivet. Strike and Spare.

Stacey Park, it was like right around the corner. Creeper. Flotkins. All right, hit us. corner. Flotkins? All right, hit us. Okay. But one thing that we should also let Jon Hamm know is Greenlee has a tendency to over... We said, over-explain. Over-explain things in his game.

I'm now showing everybody the Journey video. By the way, one of my favorite video games. You climb in the bug. You climb into the bug. Which the Journey artwork was a pretty cool... Very, very ahead of its time. ...through line that they pulled through all their albums. Very ahead of its time.

The weird scarab. You would pick which one you got to do. So each band member had their own little mini game. I want to play it. What a great idea. I love it. So anyway, Greenlee, he tends to over-explain things that everyone knows.

So what does he say? The case began September 2nd when an Indian River County Sheriff's deputy stopped a pickup truck, a type of vehicle with an open bed behind an enclosed cab, commonly used for hauling things like wood. That's a pickup truck. I thought a pickup truck was something you picked up ladies in.

Yes! Hold on, there's the game with the Greenlee. Did I write that? Or did Greenlee write that? Dan, I think Greenlee wrote that. Okay. Now, tell John Hammond. Because Dan likes to fuck with us, and Dan will add that in.

Guys, he wrote once what explained what an anchor was. He was like, an anchor commonly used to be tied to. To be fair, anchor does not look like it's spelled. A lot of people might be like, what's an anchor? In our most recent Greenlee, he explained where empty baggies usually go. Remember that? He was like, empty baggies are not found in toilets. This is Greenlee.

I think it has to be Greenlee because he's trying to establish a pattern of behavior that he can mess with. And this is John's first experience with Greenlee. John thinks it's Dan. We have two Greenlees and one Dan. Okay. The person who wrote, a pickup truck, a type of vehicle with an open bed behind an enclosed cab, commonly used for hauling things like wood, was written by... Get your answers in now, Townie.

Me. Oh, damn! Out of the box. He knows you can sniff it out. Investigator said the driver, Coffey, didn't look before pulling out onto US 1 in front of a patrol vehicle and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. vehicle and he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Coffee smelled of booze, had cases of beer

in his back seat and empty cans in the truck bed. He said he'd imbibed three or four beers at one point. Translation, 12. Then change that number to how many. It starts out at three or four.

John, you can go first, Tig, or third You pick your spot I will go first again Started at three or four And then changed to number two Seven or eight He's still underselling though You know he did more than that

It was half a case gone Nine or ten I think he took it to six and that's it He doubled it. Sixer. Alright. One of the five numbers you guys have said is exactly that. Okay, good. Good. Now we get to play a second game. Who do you think

is right? John, do you think it's you, Randy, or Jason? I think me. Okay. Seven or eight? I think nine or ten. Nine or ten? I think it's six. Okay. It's me. I guessed against myself and I hate it if I'm right. Because Seth Coffey decided to tell the cops that actually he had drank six beers. There you go. Jay, again.

Jason, you're having a stand yourself. In retrospect, that's a good call. Sixer. I just had a sixer. He didn't want to go too far. Because he could also say, like, I'm not even drunk. It's not a six beer. But that's like an afternoon.

I can handle that. That's fine for me. Trust me. Put like an afternoon. I can handle that. That's fine for me. Trust me. Put on some Journey. I can handle it. Put on some Journey. If you guys know what a pickup truck is, right? It's a one-hour drive.

Let me explain that to you. It's a one-hour drive. Come on. Six cans. Where was I here? Okay. Coffee of Vero Beach was arrested on a DUI charge after taking field sobriety exercises. I'm sure that was... Push-ups-ups. That's how he started,

no matter what they said. I'll do quick tan. I just want to get the blood flowing. You want me to go knuckles on? I'll do them. Diamond? You want me to go diamond? Quick contest? While en route to the jail, Mr. Coffey asked to listen to music. The affidavit

states, quote, he proceeded to start singing the song Don't Stop Believing. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Don't Stop Believing is one of three hit singles from Journey's seventh studio album, which was released in 1981. That is straight up motherfucking green. That is greenly all the way. That is greenly all the way.

From what I've heard, that does sound greenly. That's greenly. The person who wrote that? Greenly. There we go. The song begins, just a small town girl living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere. Just a city boy and raised in South Detroit.

He took the midnight train going anywhere. Who wrote that? That was you, Dan. That was me? Or Greenlee? It's almost too easily Dan. I'm going to say Greenlee. Dan.

Greenlee. Dan. Greenlee. Yes! Greenlee just started. He just said the song begins and then writes two stanzas. Yeah, he wrote the bass. John, am I right? He has to fill 1,500 words. He's got a quota.

There's a certain number he's got to hit. He's got a quota. There is no other explanation for what he just did. Because it's not good journalism. It's also like he's not describing like a deep cut ween song. No. That nine people know. Nope.

He's doing the thing that we all know. And it's like one of those things where you remember when you write like term papers in like high school or college. And you just do like you'd pull a quote that was a whole page. Because you wanted to fill that. It's an 11 page paper I wrote. But really like three the pages are quotes. Over the years, the song gained a foothold in our popular culture, and it's considered by some as possibly Journey's greatest hit.

Greenlee. That's Greenlee. Straight up Greenlee. He's still doing this. That's Greenlee. That's fine. Yeah, I believe that. Also, over the years, it was like a number one hit out of the box.

It was number one out of the gate. You want to know who wrote that? You did. Greenlee. Yes! I knew it. I said Greenlee gate. You want to know who wrote that? You did. Greenlee. Yes! I knew it. I said Greenlee initially. You made me question it.

After the journey to jail. Oh, I see what you did there. God damn it. By the way, tip of the hat. Tip of the hat. I would love to have seen him just throw in like

a Steve Perry solo. He didn't fight it. Right. Don't fight it. Remember Don't Fight It? Don't Fight It, Kenny Loggins, he didn't fight it. Right. Don't fight it. Remember Don't Fight It? Don't Fight It, Kenny Loggins, and Don't Fight It.

Was that Perry Loggins? Perry Loggins, Don't Fight It. Those are two titans. Sweet, don't fight it, and I was a big fan of O'Sherry?

No, O'Sherry was great. What do you want? Foolish Heart. Don't fight it. That was the slow, foolish heart. That one,

and Strung Out. That was a great Steve Perry single, Strung Out. After the journey to jail. You'll remember that. Coffee's blood alcohol content measured how much? Okay, so he's saying he had six beers. He's saying he had six. He's got three cases in the back and a bunch of empties.

Yes. So his back has got to be. What do you think his breathalyzer readout was? Where do you want to go? First, TIG, or third? I always get confused. So.08. .08 is, that is, that's the eagle limit.

I'm going to say it's.2. Wow. Okay, so that's hammered. That's significant. That's almost three times bigger. That's drunk enough to pull out in front of a cop. Yes, without a seatbelt on. Without a seatbelt on and beer everywhere.

And to start singing in the back of the car. And to start singing when you know you should be quiet. Okay. Randy. Also, do we think he sung it full throat? Yes. Do you think he sold it? Yes.

Or was he just kind of humming and then like, hey, man, it wouldn't hurt to throw it on. I kind of don't know where I am in the story. Or is he air piano-ing? I don't know. Maybe. All of it. Just a city boy.

Come on, I'm a city boy. Owner is right here in Houston. He sings that version. Come on, Houston. Owner is Vero Beach. He never played Vero Beach. I think it's.16. I think it's twice the legal limit.

That's where he's at. Okay. Jason Sklar? .13. All right. Okay. Mr. Coffee's blood alcohol content measured 0.252. Whoa!

That's three times the limit. Over three. Whoa. Literally? Driving a car. By the way, now we know that wasn't six beers. Six beers will maybe get you 0.18. You're over the limit at six beers.

Six beers since he saw the cop lights. And by the way, this is an IPA. This is not a high alcohol content beer. This is Natty Light. He's 20 beers in to a case. This is Keystone. I so want to see this picture. It will be on the Facebook page.

Wow. Wow. All right. That's a man with a beard. Didn't expect that. That's a man with a beard. Didn't expect that. That's a man with a beard. Could be a hipster in Silver Lake. Yeah, I was going to say.

He could easily be a hipster in Silver Lake. Or he's there, or he's like the Amish guy who's also like a wrist wrestler. You know what you really need to know to fill out that whole portrait is you've got to hear that guy's voice. Because that dude could work on a snake ranch. Like, you know, he could wrestle alligators for a living. For a razor, Santa Claus! It's like a real high pitch,

like a huge guy. Weirdly high voice. Yeah, yeah. That guy's voice is really... By the way, he's a strong singer. 295 pounds.

Get out of here on this. 0.252, that's more than three times the legal limit of 0.08. Meaning, it could be difficult to argue to

don't stop believing that Seth Coffey may have been impaired. That's Greenlee, guys. That's such a Greenlee. I love how that just wrapped up. That's a perfect little story. It had three acts. It had a beginning, middle, and end. And he just sang his way to jail.

Flowery prose, but... That's a Greenlee for you. I know. Signature Greenlee. Classic Greenlee. We end with a signature Greenlee. We can only end that way. Go see Dan live on his tour in SEC country.

Go see us in Big Ten country. And then on October 15th, go see Jon Hamm's movie. Hey, treat yourself. Treat yourself to a cool movie experience. Go to the actual movies, guys. Which is a great experience, and this is one of those movies that you will absolutely love. I have a feeling.

And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.