Dumb People Town - Jon Rudnitsky - Royal Headbutt

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

For this week's mini, Jon Rudnitsky joins the show to discuss the tale of a man who claims an adverse reaction to coffee caused him to cause ruckus at a movie theater!

Star Pains, I know. They couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. Let's wet the music, wish the funny hits, and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Rudnitsky. John Rudnitsky.

Hello, hello. Welcome to a gorgeous one. What up, brother? How are you? I'm doing good. It's nice to have you, buddy. Happy to be here. I have loved so much getting to know you and become friends with you. We were fans of yours on SNL.

You were fantastic. And now you've got the new project that you did with Clooney. You and Clooney are just best friends. You guys are tight now, right? We talk all the time. He didn't give you his email. I don't have a way of reaching him. No way to reach him right now. And when he spoke to you briefly, you

exchanged, what did you say back to him? If he said something positive. If he would say something to me, I would say, he would be like be like Hey how's it going And I'd be like Swish goes the dynamite No that's not I don't think that is

That's not a thing That not Is it Swish Swish does not go the dynamite Well Clooney does like basketball He does But does the dynamite Anyway so

It's called Catch 22 And it's on Hulu right now You can see that And see our boy John Rudnitsky Thank you for that. But right now, he's going to talk about dumb people doing dumb things. Dan Van Kirk has a story. You ready?

Let's do this. Sent in by at SWDC John O. S-W-D-C. I know. A man has claimed an adverse reaction to coffee forced him to throw up in a Hastings movie theater, headbutt a staff member, and resist police arrest. That is not true! Coffee does not make you do that.

I don't drink coffee. Is that how it goes? I thought I just made you shit. I do half and half, so it's half bath salts and half cream. So they ask you, do you want whole milk in here, or do you want whole bath salts? Just one pump of bath salts? Can I just get one pump?

Just one pump of bath salts. Can I get half meth? I'll take a bath. I'll get a half meth. I'm just going to do a bath salt. Can I just snort the coffee? Is that cool? Wait.

So he's claiming the coffee made him throw up. If he just left it at that, I'd be like, okay. Sometimes my heart races and I've had too much. Or it's stronger than I thought it was going to be. And you could throw it. All right, fine. But headbutt an employee and then resist arrest. You can't blame all the coffee life, man.

This is like someone who's got sciatica and then they get into a car accident and they're like, you know, I got it. You got it for like 12 years. I got to put this in there too. Maybe he was really upset with how Pets 2 ended. This is not as good as the first. Secret life of Pets. I was expecting Louis C.K. again. Look where we are.

Here's his name. Bruce Ellery Royal. No. Yes. That is not his name. Bruce Ellery Royal. Bruce Ellery Royal is like the one name that Wes Anderson will not use. Right.

But it's in his list. It's on his list. It's like, we're not using it. I can't use this in any way, shape, or form. Danny Glover is ready to take this character, but I'm not going to do it. He's like a janitor for like a royal family. The Bruce Ellery Royal. The Ellery Royal does sound like.

The Ellery Royal does sound like. The Ellery Royal does sound like... I feel like he had to have said, don't you know who I am before he headbutted that. And everyone's like, no. No one knows who you are. I'm a royal. You don't mess with BER.

Bruce Ellery Royal with cheese. Royal with cheese. in the Hastings District Court on Tuesday to charges of common assault and resisting police. This is why McDonald's should not make coffee. Right. They've overstepped.

Don't make salads. Don't make coffee. Stick to the disgusting thing. Bring back the McRib occasionally. On October 10th, 2000. Is it called the McFish? No. What was it called?

What one? The Fish Filet? Fish Filet. Thank you. I know my fish fillet. Fish fillet. I bet I've had maybe three fish fillets in my entire life, but I've bought probably 20. How come no one's ever come up with a fish fillet, which would be like a Philly cheese fish?

Ooh. You know what I mean? I think I know one. Yeah. That sounds absolutely disgusting. Why does that sound bad? Because you'll throw up and headbutt somebody. You'll throw up and headbutt someone in a movie theater.

By the way, real quick, who drinks coffee at a movie theater? A psychopath. Honey, you get the seats. I just want to get the coffee and the popcorn. And the nachos. I need to get the coffee, the bourbon, and the popcorn right now. We are going to see that movie. I need to get the coffee, the bourbon, and the popcorn right now. We are going to see that movie. I need the coffee.

I need the California roll. And I need the steak bites in order to watch this movie. In order to enjoy myself. On October 10th. The McFish, please, as well. Please. On October 10th, 2018, Royale, not usually a coffee drinker, no shit,

entered Focal Point Cinema after he said he'd finished multiple cups of black coffee in a short period of time. He threw up in the foyer helping staff to clean it up. So you know what it starts with? I got it.

I got it. I got it. That's on me. Why is he drunk? He's just drunk on coffee. I got it. He's like, I got it. I got it. I got it. I've on me. Why is he drunk? He's just drunk on coffee. I got it. He's like, I got it. I got it.

I got it. I've got it. Helping staff to clean it up with a mop and bucket, the summary of the facts of the case states, how many cups of coffee do you guys think he said he drank that made him act like He said he drank, which may not even be the right thing. You've got to multiply by two. Add to that. Right.

You are a guest, so you can go first, Tig, or third. Tig is in between the two of us. I'm going to say he had probably like four cups of coffee. Four cups of coffee. Jay? I'm going to say he had seven. Seven? Okay.

I'm going to say he said he had nine cups of coffee. Nine cups of coffee? Okay. He never had coffee before, so you've got to give him give him that i know i jump right to whatever number this is it's too much bruce ellery royal told the police officers the amount of coffee cups he drank that made him do all of this shit that we will even get more into is five wow five cups of coffee you were what's that gonna do to you? A lot. Too much. Yeah, but also your stomach is

only so big. I understand why he would throw up because it fills up with the coffee. Eventually you're going to pee it out, but it gets up into your esophagus. You're going to throw stuff up. He's had liquid before, right? Five is too many of anything.

Five waters, I would be like, many of anything to do fast. Five waters, I would be like, slow down. You don't need to have all five. Josh, I want to say, don't assume Bruce Ellery has done anything. Ever. He's a royal. Pay child support, anything. He threw up in the foyer. He helped him clean it up with a mopping bucket.

Royal then walked over towards the counter, pushing a staff member out of the way. That's the coffee talking. Before making his way behind the counter and took four bottles of water valued at $4 each. That's some movie theater prices. $4 bottles. Movie theaters

and airports. They got you. You can't go anywhere. He took them out of the fridge. John, for real. I went to the movie theater and one time I was like, I'll just have one medium water and one popcorn with a refill.

This is recently at the Glenda. And literally, they could have said it's $36 and I would have been like, yeah, that's it. You know what I mean? It wound up being still like 18 bucks, but I was like, yeah, that's what it is.

Whatever it is. That's what it is. $36. I'm not even going to look. Well, he gets. Where else are you going to get it? And you always lose the parking ticket. Yes.

So it's automatically 20 there. That's 28. Thank you. Yep. So he gets the four bottles of water, about $4 each. He then once again pushed the staff member out of the way, ending up back on the public side of the counter. Yeah.

Crossed over. Excuse me. I'll take that. His apparent caffeine fueled behavior then escalated. Oh. Royale began to drink from the bottles before squirting members of the public with the water. These are just people. These are just people trying to get a popcorn.

Dude, this guy has lost it. He's going to have to switch over to matchas Can you imagine if you watch the theater And a guy starts spraying you with his water bottles I would be like What disease are you putting on me What is happening right now

The manager of the Focal Point Cinema then approached Royal Who became aggressive, stepped towards him And headbutted him in the face That is, by the way A headbutt is so personal That's what I'm saying A little bit on this what I'm saying. Don't.

It's so personal. A little bit on this manager. I'm not going to completely victimize him. Don't let someone get that close to you. Right. Don't let any crazy person get that close to you. Arms length. Dan, this guy. Headbutts.

He was just trying to become the focal point of the focal point movie theater. That's right. There you go. It was this guy's first coffee, but I can't imagine his first headbutt. You don't go directly to a headbutt. That seems like you're... Have any of you ever headbutted anyone? No.

I wouldn't even know. You probably want to go crown of your head, right? How does it not hurt you too? How does it not hurt you too? Supposedly, if you do it right, it doesn't hurt the band U2 or anything. Okay, thank you. Thank youosedly, if you do it right, it doesn't hurt the band you two or anything. Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. No, I don't know. If you do it right, it is not supposed to hurt you, depending on where you hit that. If you go head to head, but you should probably go head to bridge of nose. Head to bridge of nose. And then you'll just collapse it like an egg shell. Good to know. Good to know.

For the Arclight. Next time I have five black coffees. The arc lights can't get intense there. The manager suffered a sore nose and lip. That could have been a height situation too. Yeah, probably. You never want a headbutt up. No.

You can only headbutt people of equal or lesser height. That's right. Right? Because you can't jump into a headbutt. That's true. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. So specific. It is. Yeah.

The manager suffered a sore nose and lip. Police were called to the scene. Royal was approached by police and was informed he was under arrest. I hope he starts headbutting the police. I'm sure he did. He could be real close for a second. Why do we keep getting close to this guy? You're quite a bit taller than me, so can you bend down a little bit?

Do right again. Get him again. Don't make the same mistake. Come here. I want to tell you something. All right. Can we tell you a secret? All right.

Come on. Royal was approached by police and was informed that he was under arrest but he pushed the officer and ran away of course he did i'm if i'm in the movie theater i'm like guys to the cops i'm like guys you let him run away dan what did we say a long time ago when like someone sued someone for running over them with a jazzy at walmart you're like i guess there are no more accidents in this world i guess there are no more assholes in this world. You can just be like, well, that's the coffee talking. Coffee has never been seen.

If he was drunk and he drank a whole thing of Bacardi rum, I'd be like, well, that's the rum talking. And we still wouldn't condone it, but that checks out. You can't blame the sun. This is a guy who is trying to blame his assholishness on a substance that does not do it.

He was confronted by another officer and ran again. So I guess he's just running around the movie theater. Not outside. Get this guy. Why can't anybody get him? He deserves to get away. But you know that frustrating conversation happened between two officers. Get him.

You're right in front of him! He's behind the bomb corpus! I'm not going near him! But he's white! I can't shoot him! Meanwhile, it's like when you're playing an old guy with knee braces in a pickup basketball game, and he just keeps hitting every single shot. Like a weird hook shot

that you can't defend. And then there are dudes on your team going, like, guard him! Guard him! I'm trying! I can't get him! He's got some weird hook shot that you can't defend. And then there are dudes on your team going, guard him. Guard him. I'm trying. I can't get him. He's got some weird hook shot that you can't defend. He's running around the field. It must be the coffee. Get him.

And then you just start yelling switch. Somebody else has to deal with the switch. So he's confronted by another officer and ran again. This is one of my favorite parts. But then Royale tripped over himself as he headed towards the exit. He couldn't even... The coffee caught up with him. He couldn't even get to the door. He just crapped his pants. A police

constable and several other police officers tried to handcuff him on the ground, but he refused to place his arms behind his back. This guy. He was instructed and warned to stop resisting, but Royale continued to physically resist by holding his arms rigid out in front of him. He's just doing lateral lifts.

Just like straight out. And also one of these. Give it to me. Drop it. And then the other officer is saying to the first guy, you get him. Get his arms back. You're yelling at me. It took three officers to handcuff him.

Defense counsel Matthew Dixon told Judge Chris Sygrove that Royal had successfully completed anger management classes and said the cinema staff were understanding in regards to the incident. What? I guess that lawyer talked to the movie theater and they're like, we get it. We get it. It happens. We're the ones who gave him five cups of coffee.

We got to stop serving coffee. That's our mistake. We've learned from this and we hope he has too We need to ask every person coming in here Who orders five cups of coffee Have you just recently completed anger management Because if not we're giving you three Quote from his lawyer

About the movie theater staff They hold no ill will towards him Why not I would hold a lot of ill will You got headbutted in the nose and mouth. You're not going to hold any ill will. I think you deserve to be. Shouldn't he be allowed? If you're good with royal acid. You should be allowed

to have a venti lattes worth of ill will towards him. I would eat up the hottest coffee ever and throw it in his face. That's right. And then rest the hot like glass 1970s coffee. Mr. Coffee got me on on his face I hope as a result of being arrested and being dragged

through the court that you won't repeat this performance Judge Sygrove told Royal he was ordered to pay a $300 emotional harm reparation by April 2nd not enough headbutts the bailiff ordered to appear in court we're going to take a quick little break.

When we come back, we'll find out what Royal says his excuse was for all of this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. And we should let people know that we're going to be in San Francisco at the end of June on June 28th and 29th.

We'll be at Cobb's Comedy Club right after Dan. You're at Clusterfest. Yeah. So if anybody gets a chance to go up to San Francisco, see us at both of those things, right? Yes.

We'll be at both those things in June and those are great comedy things happening in San Francisco. Cobb's is huge. We'd love to fill it with all you great people. Let's do it. Also, for our San Diego fans

who are going to come and see us down at the American Comedy Company that we love at the end of July, we are actually going to be going to the Montreal Comedy Festival that weekend. But we are not taking that date off. We're just going to move it a little bit later in the year. Go to superscleros.com. You can find all that stuff.

John Renitsky, who has been performing comedy, you were fantastic on the Conan O'Brien show. Thank you. And you'll be doing your stand-up. Any plans to go back and do it again? I know you're working on new material, which I absolutely love. Love the new stuff. Well, I always come to you guys when I need help. It is really fun to work it out.

You're my comedy uncle. I do. Comedy uncle. Come on. I love working this stuff out with you because you, first of all, very physical. This is the one thing I love about your comedy, and anybody gets a chance to see you.

You notice in the same way. I realize this. So another person that we love, love love love more than anything in the world is Gar Reines he's the batting stance guy can do anybody's batting stance you name a person he can do it and what he hones in on is a very small detail about what that person is

and it isn't a window to who that person is you nail it on all of your characters and stuff it's like get that one detail that I'd be like oh I didn't even see that but that for you is everything it's everything I just love that DJ at Chipotle that's right

I'm just gonna say that you guys help me so much and you help me kind of see that that's what's funny about my comedy and you make me think differently about the bits and the jokes Dan can name like one detail about a guy like in one of Dan's one of my favorite bits that Dan does

Dan describes a I'll tell you this one thing about him and I'll tell you everything you need to know about a police officer at Midway Airport his belt didn't fit that's all you need we all see the exact same cop it's either too big or too little

you know a lot about that cop. He's got hair over his ears. Yeah. 100% so. It's such a great detail, but it literally touches it. I want to get to the excuse of why this guy had better people. We will, but I want to tell people really quickly. This is the first time I'm saying this. I have the

next dates for my tour. They're out right now. Go see Daniel, please. The 26th and 27th of June, I will be in Chicago and Madison. I'm also coming to Kansas City and St. Louis on the 29th and Indianapolis and Milwaukee. That's all from the 26th through the 1st. Go to DanielVanKirk.com for the next leg of my... Go see him.

You will absolutely love it. Love it. Okay. Ready? Yes. At the time of his arrest, Royal To police He was stressed out But sorry for his actions That is too broad That's not enough

We talk about being specific I'm a cop, I'm going to need a lot more I'm going to say this John, you are in a relationship with a lovely and awesome woman If you do something to upset her You can't just be like I'm just sorry I was the coffee

I had five glasses of coffee her. You can't just be like, well, I'm just sorry. I'm stressed out. Whatever, I'm stressed out. It was the coffee. No, you have to give a very specific very specific apology. Dan, you know you have to give a very specific apology in order for everyone to move on. And I would imagine in court, you gotta be more specific. Thank you.

I was stressed out doesn't cover it for me. He has not previously appeared in court. A spokesman from the Ministry of Health said that health experts only recommended drinking limited amounts of liquids which contain caffeine. Tea and coffee both contain caffeine. Yeah, but they're still not putting the blame on this guy for drinking five cups of coffee. It all feels very mild. Everyone is like letting him off the hook.

Coffee will do that. That's what the judge is saying. The judge is like, look. Everyone is letting it off the hook. Coffee will do that. That's what the judges are. What am I going to say? Typical coffee case here. Straight up coffee case. Your Honor, we've got just another coffee case here. Folgers versus the United States.

This is in England, by the way. Tea contains tannins, which lower the amount of iron that the gut absorbs. Therefore, the Ministry of Health recommends drinking only moderate amounts of tea and coffee. All right. We will get out of here on this. How old is Bruce Ellery Royal? Let's guess the age.

It's a game we like to play. It's called Guess the Age. All right, John. You are a guest. So you can go first, Tig, or third. Which position would you like to guess? Do you want to hear us guess it first, or do you want to? I think in my mind, I certainly had.

Go with it. I had like 53 in my mind. I love it. Then go with that. Okay. That's so good. So good because it's a guy who should know better, but having not had coffee up until he's 53. I'm going to say he's 20.

20 years old from Jason Sklar. I think the guy's like 42. 42. Yeah. Again, I kind of am in the John Radnitsky school of thinking here because I'm like, he is, he should know,

but he's gone a very long time without having coffee. So his body is now at a point where it can't. Yeah. And the same guy who would do that would also not know. That's right. Yeah, like, I mean,

none of it makes sense, so why not? You said? 53. Okay, Jason? 20. 20.

I'd say 42. 42. One of you is only one year old. Oh! Do you want to play who's one year old? You don't get to.

All right, I'm sorry, you gotta be exact. But I love how much you love it. If somebody gets it exactly right, we then play a game of who thinks who is right. Oh, man. All right, I'm sorry. You got to be exact. But I love how much you love it. If somebody gets it exactly right, we then play a game of who thinks who is right. Oh, man. All right.

So one of you is only one year old. Tony's wherever you are. I think he's actually 19. He's actually 52. In that laundromat, that cubicle. 41. Shout it out to the mountain top. Sitting next to someone taking a nap. Who was I talking to?

I was, so I'm like sitting in, I went to go up to like, my daughter was doing ballet and at the Silver Lake JCC. And so this is, I park there for her ballet to pick her up at a time when the preschool parents who work are like getting their kids from the preschool. And this woman, it took her like, I'm not joking, like 20 minutes to get her kid into the car. And it's not a bad kid, like a great kid, but it just took a long time to get in the car. And I was feeling for this woman because I was just sitting there with my buddy Bill Rotko and we were just talking in his car and just like cracking each other up. It's just waiting. And this woman finally got her kid in the car and I was so happy for her. And she came over because my window was down and we were just talking.

She's like, I'm a huge townie. And I was like, oh my God, I love you and you should have told me that ahead of time. I would have helped you get the kid into the car.

But it was a great moment and she was just telling me how just, oh, my friend, other friend who listens to the show says she just walks everywhere and yells out the age.

That's all I want. 35. That's all I want from people. She's hiking and just walking around going, 35. 53, 42, 20. One of us is want. 35. She's hiking and just walking. 35! 53, 42, 20. One of us is one year off. Oh my gosh.

Alright, Townies, here we go. Play along. Because Bruce Ellery Royal, the man with five coffees, a head made for button. It's weird when you say it like that. A head made for button. A head made for button. $20. His heads were made for button

$20 or $60 Whatever it was A lot of money in water bottles Yeah Spraying the public And keeping his arms rigid Mm-hmm In a real

Is 43 years old Yeah Wow Thank you very much That's a guy who should know better Oh man That's a dummy close to us

Dummy Don't do that stuff. Know your limit on coffee, right? No one says know when to say when in terms of coffee. We should start that right now. There you go. That's the show. John Rudnitsky.

Go see him live wherever you can. Go check out the Hulu series, Catch 22. He is great in that, along with Clooney, his new best friend. Oh, I'm at the Funny Bone in Syracuse. Which is? Oh, nice. June 23rd to the 25th

great go check him out if you're in Syracuse the Q's go see him you will love watching him do stand up so good

so engaging a lot of character based stuff it is really awesome you guys will love it thank you for having me thanks for being here and oh shit we gotta get back to work Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,