Dumb People Town - Jonah Ray - LIVE

Episode Date: July 4, 2017

On the first ever Dumb People Town Hall in Los Angeles, Jonah Ray (Meltdown with Jonah & Kumail, Hidden America, Netflix’s MST3K) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk live from the Starburns Castle! Dan runs through the Flato Blotter, before diving int...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk it down, it's Dump People Town Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Should we do it? Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town! Oh, yeah! Cooked in population youth.

Thank you, guys. Hi, everybody. That's Dan Van Kirk. How about it? We're glad you're here. Holy shit. Burbank at night. Burbank nights.

Burbank nights. I feel like some guys would be like, you want to see a dead body? We're going to go into like an editing suite and just a guy leaned over his animation table.

Burbank Nights could be like the greatest Eagle song never made. Burbank Nights? Guys, this has been such a wonderful, we have loved moving, changing Scalabro County into Dumb People Town, moving it over to Feral Audio.

Thank you, Feral Audio. Yeah, give it up for those guys. Awesome. It's helped us focus what this thing is up and turn this into the community that you guys are right now. So we're so excited. Of course, we created the Facebook page,

which we had no clue that people in the stories we talked about on the show would join the page. Would start posting on the fucking page. Get in the mix. Get in the mix. Of course, the greatest person. He might be the hero of the first six months of Dumb People Town. We're of course talking.

Can we throw a picture of him up there? Chad Flotto. Chad Flotto. That's a new one. Okay, what is your favorite one? Because there's one that's like, I'm waiting for a bus. And then there's one that's like, you don't look like your profile picture. There's one where he looks like if someone took Vern Lundquist and made him shorter.

He looks like Vince Neil without the goatee. Yeah, that's the Vince Neil one at the bottom. He kind of looks like a frog that's still transitioning into a person. He also looks like a part-time magician. You know what I mean? I know eight tricks. He might be a part-time magician, but he is a full-time player.

There it is. We have created Jan Flotto-isms and we've thrown them out there. Because we were trying to understand what kind of guy Jan Flotto is, and we just started making statements about his life. We compiled a bunch of them. I don't know if you guys would like kind of guy Jan Flato is, and we just started making statements about his life. So we compiled a bunch of them. I don't know if you guys would like to hear some Jan Flato-isms before we bring on our first guest.

Our only guest. I hope there's three people here who stumbled in with friends and are like, who the fuck is this? What is this? This is your new leader. You're going to learn. This may be the last thing you see before. Gianflato has made James Comey uncomfortable from afar. He's running for city council in two towns.

And he lives in neither of them. Just dumb people town. That's right. Gianflato is the kind of guy who finishes a bag of potato chips on the way home from the grocery store. Yes. Gianflato still has his Christmas tree up from 1998.

It looks cool. It goes with the house. I like it. Jan Flato has two separate chauffeur's licenses. Jan Flato has a karate orange belt that he bought at a garage sale.

Can I read one from the Facebook page that I love? This is from James Burke, and I responded to this with just the fire emoji. Jan Flato wonders what a guy has to do to get another vodka Sprite down here. He needs it to be sweeter than tonic. Jan Flato owns a pickled brain. He needs it to be sweeter than tonic. Jan Flato owns a pickled brain.

Jan Flato only drinks Fuzzy Navels at weddings. Jan Flato has a business card that reads, Jan Flato Funeral DJ. Jan Flato has eight million rollover minutes. Jan Flato's gonna grab one for the minutes. Jan Flato's going to grab one for the road. Always. Always. And then stay.

It could be a burger. It could be strawberry shortcake. He's grabbing one for the road. And then he stays and finishes it every single time. Yeah, exactly. Jan Flato's the type of guy who uses Vonage for his long distance carrier and Cricket Wireless for his flip phone. All right? Jan Flato saves the bones for his long distance carrier and cricket wireless for his flip phone. Jan Flato saves the bones

for his dog. He does not have a dog. Jan Flato is in a custody battle over his step kids. She should be able to live with whoever she wants, Deb. I know she's 27 and has her own kids. That's right.

Jan Flato has told his neighbor more than once that the government controls us through Starbucks. Jan Flato says, fine, but don't tell your parents. Jan Flato will sometimes let his Komodo dragon and chinchilla fight it out. Jan Flato tells every bartender, I'll get you on the next one. Yeah, that's right.

He's on the I'll get you on the next one plan with everybody. Jan Flato has bought beer for 23-year-olds. He actually has commented on the page. Yes. You have a bunch of... This is such a great way to start this show. I have to get everybody in the way. Oh, page. Yes. And you have a bunch of Jan... This is such a great way to start this show off to get everybody in the mood. Oh, man.

Okay. Jan Fado is deep into the Facebook page. He's tried to put a voodoo hex on me and Randy. I've put... Yes. So I put together... Some of them we've gone over. For those, we'll just be hitting fun reruns. That's right. Okay. But these are... This is every

Jan Fado interaction on the Facebook page. I put way too much work into this. The first one This is what we call Flotto Blotter. Alright. This person, so you know I won a meat raffle. Hold your applause.

And then we were all talking on the Facebook page about my meat raffle which also tied in perfectly with the Schwanman. Does anybody else here know the Schwanman? Hell yeah. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. It's back when people were like, I think sugar's good for him.

Okay. There's sugar in the chicken. At our local, this is Carolyn Cullen. At our local Elks Club, they play Barnyard Bingo, a wonderful game in which the bingo prize is, you guessed it, meats. You can go home with a London broil, a brisket, or maybe even a rack of ribs. No better way to spend a Tuesday night. My dream, this is now she's getting into it, to play barnyard bingo with Jan Flato. I would let him stamp my bingo cards and give him my winnings.

Is that a euphemism? I would let him stamp my bingo cards. Qu him my winnings. Is that a euphemism? I would let him stamp my bingo cards. Quote, would this help make things right, Jan? I just want to help. Jan responds. You're a doll, Carolyn. I would love to. Can't wait to meet you.

He spelled it M-E-A-T. Flotto. Very sweet of you. Thanks. Ellipses. Jan. Period. That's too much punctuation.

Before we ever knew that we were going to talk about Jan Flotto's comments, I screencapped this next thing because it just made my day. Jan Flotto rated Dumb People Town five out of five stars. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. He knows. Someone posted, Roberto Lopez,

apparently this is Marina Navarro. If you don't know or you're just joining us, she's the one who stole all Jan's money. I'm very curious about the dynamic of their friendship. Jan Flato responds, if you give her money to gamble with, she's interested.

Any more questions? Yeah, I've got a bunch. She's a hooker. I don't know. Jan Flato, allegedly, Jan Flato then goes, I know none of you

are interested in the truth. It was all, all caps, my money. She lied 100%. She went ballistic. Another lie. We started to go 50-50.

Witnesses there know this is true. She simply put security on me and walked out with all of it. She didn't have a dime on her. I've challenged her to take lie detector tests. Yeah, this is where it turns into lie. I'm all in, he says, which is good. If you're a gambler, that's your phrase. He moved all his chips to the setter.

She hasn't responded for obvious reasons. I don't get mad until all caps After she left Wouldn't you? She's been living off me for almost two years I respond I believe you, Jan Jan, you'll find out he does this a lot He does not like the words thank you He prefers a T and a Y together

That's it Tie Thank you That lie detector test, I'm ready anytime you are and a Y together. That's it. Tie. Thank you. That lie detector test, I'm ready anytime you are. I don't know if he's now telling me that he's ready for a lie detector test. Maybe he doesn't trust that you do trust him.

I treated her like a member of my own family for one and a half years, which to me means not speaking. Yeah. Christmas presents for the family. Kid getting thrown out of private school. I paid for it. Broken iPhone. Christmas presents for the family. Kid getting thrown out of private school. I paid for it.

Broken iPhone. I paid for it. He's now writing like Brody Stevens talks. Yes. Yes. I treated her like a family one and a half years.

You got it. Christmas presents for the family. Yep. Kid getting thrown out of private school. Paid for it. Broken iPhone.

On my dime. Yes. And the bill? Kids don't have to find me for shoes to wear. Same thing. Push. She constantly needed gambling money. I let her play along with me.

Out of honest friendship, not perversion. I have friends. Takes a lot out of you, doesn't it? I have friends who are 90 and 24. Take Cahuenga. I'm a giver. He did not write take Cahuenga. He did not write take Cahuenga.

I knew that. Take Cahuenga. Take Cahuenga. Yes. Selma, no good. Fountain's where it's at. I'm a giver, not a cheat taker like most people you run into, and that's the truth. Parentheses. Ready for it? Lie detect coordinator

test anytime. Jam Flotto comes in again. Meant to say lie detector test anytime. Then you know the truth. I'll take it a hundred times. This is like the swingers message that they just left. Isha Jerome, who's part of this group, came back after all that and just wrote

to Jan, Jan, you're a goddamn beauty. It doesn't end there. Jan Flato, you got screwed, man. I definitely believe for you and feel for you, says Edward Richard III. We're getting prestigious. Richard III. He writes, Ty, she's a bad, bad woman. Never bite the hand that feeds you, says Edward Richard III. We're getting prestigious. Richard III. He writes, Ty, she's a bad, bad woman.

Never bite the hand that feeds you, BTW. Ty to the Sklar brothers, they sent me several autographed pictures of themselves. Ellipses, naked. No. Not true. Yes. Not true. Alright. Then someone says Paul Scheer could play Jan Fado in the

made-for-TV movie, It Was All My Money. Thank you, Michael James. Then he comes back a day later. Go ahead. Challenge us to take the test. Then you'll know who's honest and who's dishonest. That's how they work. Oh my god. And to the twins of DTP, we read this on the thing, but we gotta hit it again.

Don't make me get a voodoo doll of the St. Louis Cardinals and stick pins in it. You wouldn't like that. Actually, I'm a huge Yachty Air fan. Best defensive catcher I've ever seen. That is, this is Brody Stevens writing. Yes. Yes, he can catch the ball. Shotgun.

Second base. You got it. Molina belongs in the hall. First ballot. By the way, the Cardinals have lost 16 out of 21. Since he wrote that. Since he wrote that and seven in a row. He definitely built a voodoo doll of us. Since he wrote that. Since he wrote that and seven in a row.

He definitely built a voodoo doll of us. Oh yeah. He has fucked that team so hard. He's going to get people fired. 13 days later, Robert Phillips pokes the beast. I don't know about all yous,

but I would have John Flattos back, Jan Flattos back in a fight. Let's make this lie detector test happen. He writes, I'm ready.

Then he comes back. By the way, it took 13 days for the response to happen. It took probably three seconds for Jan to be like, I'm ready. That was at 925 that morning. 40 minutes later he just writes, apropos of nothing, Jan Flato keeps a

collection of naked pictures of the Sklar brothers. Jan Flato's coming in hot, guys. Dave Clark says, Nothing. Jam Flotto keeps a collection of naked pictures of the Sklar brothers. There you go. He's back at it. Jam Flotto's coming in hot, guys. Dave Clark says, after midnight at the bar, Jam Flotto frequently plays the sax solo from Jerry Rafferty's Baker Street

on the harmonica. Jam Flotto responds, I'm a keyboard player. Jam Flotto looks like the kind of guy who is like air guitar, like default is air bass. That's right. He's got a keytar.

Michael Jan's Romantic writes, Jan Flato helps women with their groceries. Jan Flato says, actually, that's true. Lauren Elizabeth says, Jan Flato doesn't steal cable, he just borrows it. Jan Flato says, is that, he just borrows it. Jan Flato says,

is that wrong, LOL? I love him. Jan Flato, Kenny to Jenny Hayes, Jan Flato refers to himself in the third person. Jan Flato says, never. Jenny Hayes says, it's all in good fun, Jan, you're a legend. Jan Flato writes, I honestly wish she'd have done the right thing.

Jan Flato will bring it back to me. Her name is ruined forever. The Hard Rock made a ridiculous call. The only look for cheaters. And I've never wanted to be famous or infamous. If you'd like, you can be a legend, LOL. Tie for your words, though. Appreciate it. Then he

writes out, Jamflato wishes that Marina Medvedina Navarro was never born. Eli Edwards comes in and says, Jamflato knows who shot JFK. Jamflato gets political and says, it was her, LOL.

Well, Oswald was a Russian too. Jamflato, not afraid to get into the Russian mix in our career. He's the only one who is talking about the Russians these days. Oh my God. Jamflato, somebody says he doesn't know how to take deprecating humor, says Dave Clark. Jan Flato goes, this stuff is funny. Now millions of people

hate her. That's all makes it worth it. I don't know if that does. You lost $100,000. Yeah, that's not going to make anything worth it. Morgan O'Brien Bledsoe says, Jan Flato is the only man alive who could become a superhero simply by being robbed by a bimbo. You're a good man. Jan Fado writes,

yes, and now I have superhero qualities. As I write this, I'm flying. What is he talking about? I don't know, but four people in Dumb People Town liked that comment. May 24th, 631 AM. He's up and writing. Oh my god. He's up and writing.

Oh, my God. He's in line for something. This is what Jamflato writes. Jamflato still says, stay thirsty, my friends. Guys, Jamflato's believing his own hype. Oh, yeah. Oh, somebody wrote. And quoting a commercial.

Like, not even like a comedy act. Oh, for sure. He goes, somebody says, have you seen all of these facts about you, Jamflato? Are they true? He says, there's too many to go through. That was Mike McGill who said that. I definitely like Looney Tunes more than Hanna-Barbera. I don't know where no one asked as far as I know. He says, this has given me something to smile about.

I sincerely thank all of you. And I wrote, everyone in Dumb People Town sincerely thanks you, Jan. Also, is it true you know all the words to Rupert Holmes' Pina Colada song? He wrote, honestly, I don't,

but I do know all the words to the name game by Shirley Ellis. And my new favorite band is Cousin Liar. I don't know what any of that stuff is. Nope. Jamflato's a good sport, says Kurt Miller. Jamflato says, Ty, Kurt.

Oh my God. We can call it back Just give it to one more. Give us one more and then we're gonna bring out our games. Oh my God. Okay.

Jamflato is an in-depth knowledge of horse racing and frequently bets on greyhounds as he refers to them the little ponies. Jamflato writes back to Joe Thomas, you mean you don't call them the little ponies?

Joe Thomas says, Jan, I've been known to bet on the ponies on occasion. The little ponies aren't something here in New York that I know much of. Jan Flato says, I was born and raised in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, did I say that out loud? You said Brooklyn, yeah. Okay, Brooklyn. So Jan Flato's coming in hot. Brooklyn. Did I say that out loud? You said Brooklyn, yeah.

Brooklyn. So Jamflotto's coming in hot. The last one we'll do right here. Jamflotto wears ankle weights to the store. Says Libby Suzanne. Jamflotto replies, who doesn't? There you go! Jamflotto! So many, and it's still

growing. It's so great. If you want to have all this fun come on in to Dumb People Town he might respond to you is what we're saying I'm so excited

about our guests you guys ready for our guests yeah do you like Mystery Science Theater 3000 yes do you like

Hidden America yes an amazing show do you like Hidden America? Yes. Do you like the Meltdown Comedy Show on TV? Yes. Well, we like him because he's a friend of ours and he's just a wonderful guy. He's the perfect guy to join the tomfoolery in Dumb People Town. Please welcome our friend Jonah Ray. Jonah Ray!

Jonah Ray! Hey, guys. Next time, end with Mystery Science Theater. Oh. It was really a... It's like when the person at the college introduces you and your next performer are the Sklar brothers.

Now let me list their credits. You're like, no, no, no, no. You gotta do the name at the end. I'm sorry about that, but... Yeah, every time it was Mystery Science Theater, everyone was like, yeah! Everyone was like,

Hit America, it's like, that must be something he did too. The Meltdown on TV, not anymore. No. The Combustible Brixleys. He's like, I don't even know what

that is. Guys, straight up, Cousin Liar is an indie electronic band based out of Los Angeles. Oh! Shit, get them on this show. Yeah. You can check that out. Also, Jan Flato, when he says Bob and he's referring to a musician, it's usually Seeger.

He looks like the Malibu Lord of Illusions. His favorite blues band is a tie between Traveler and Hammer. That's perfect. And he treats the YMCA like a membership to Mar-a-Lago. Flotto. I love it. Dude, we did talk about Mystery Science Theater

when I first watched the first episode on Netflix and the song came on and you were the guy in the thing I got really excited I mean because

we grew up on that show yeah me too and I know it was crazy for you because it's hard to walk into the lion's den of well no no

nerdy people who watch that show are super forgiving, right? I mean, they're really... Baron Vaughn always says, if there's one thing nerdy people like, it's change. They like it when you ship their stuff around. But I don't condone that kind of language

towards my fellow nerds. No, we are those nerds. No, I got it, because I knew... I mean, I remember when Mike took over for Joel, I remember that first episode coming in I literally at my screen was like who the fuck does this guy think he is and he went on to become

one of my favorite hosts that's a weird thing he's great he was amazing and he had to establish himself do you feel like they have now come around to the side of you as far as the whole season is on there you can watch the whole thing it's fantastic have people been like you're doing a great job i uh i think you're doing a great job you know some people have i mean i i kind of i i distanced myself from the internet for a bit

because i am very fragile everybody is and i know and i i know that just it's a it's like the reviews have been good i've gotten a lot of positive feedback. It's very exciting that they didn't burn down Netflix. They didn't go to Netflix headquarters in space. And then burn it down. I've told you backstage and other times

just how much I love it. I've fawned over Cry Wilderness. If you have not watched Cry Wilderness episode 2, oh my god, it's a gift to all of us. Hold on. When they said Mystery Science Theater 3000, you guys cheered a lot. Were you just cheering for the old show?

That's the second episode and three people maybe clapped. We did. You guys, it is so good. But what I love most about it, and I tell this to people, is with you and Hampton and Baron, the jokes are going to be there. But you were able to, in my personal opinion, you also captured the charm of the show.

Even in Cry Wilderness where you're trying to explain the plot devices of how this whole movie came about, all those little side things that are you guys, I didn't say this backstage because I wanted to tell you out here, on the mics, that the charm of what you bring to the character and what you're doing off of commenting on the movie is phenomenal and I love it. Thank you so much. Well, that's it for me.

Jonah Ray, everybody. Jonah. Just kidding. No, we've got stories. Yes. You want to do one? Let's do one. You guys want to hear our first story? You guys ready? Alright, here we go. Sent in

by Andre Blair at Andre Blair 1. Which to me is like Andre 2000. Yeah. You gotta start with one. Don't set the bar too high. AB. AB 1. AB 1.

Two women and a man. I'm listening. I mean, it's Dumb People Town. if you haven't figured out where this story is going off of that is the word amateur used anywhere in this is there a cup involved two women and a man are facing indecent exposure charges after they were caught engaging in a threesome in broad daylight on the deck of a Mississippi restaurant. The name of that restaurant? T.J.O. Pooter Tooth. You're in the White Wheelhouse. Triple D's.

The restaurant was asking for it. The asking for it. Triple D's is like restaurant was asking for it. Asking for it. Triple D's is like a Hooters offshoot, right? It's got to be. Triple D's. Everybody who works here is a D. That's the fuck deck. I don't know why people are mad about it.

They tell, Reggie, you can't call it the fuck deck and expect that to not happen. It's deck number two, man. The owner of Triple D's Landing. Oh, that's the full title. Triple D's Landing. It's the landing for sure. Triple D's Landing. That classes up the joint right there.

In Kill, Mississippi, which is the hometown of NFL legend and selfie legend Brett Favre. Wow. Or Favre. I'm sorry I read it wrong. It's Favre. Favre. This is H Favre. I'm sorry I read it wrong. It's Favre. Favre. This is Hattiesburg. This is close to Hattiesburg.

It's got to be, right? If they say this is his hometown. Called police, the owner of Triple D's, called police Wednesday after discovering the Troika having sex on the eatery's deck, which overlooks a small river. Yeah. Oh.

Can you imagine the family just tubing by? You can't go any faster on it. You are stuck. You're a slave to the current current. What if you catch one of those mellow... Tyler, stop looking. Let's go.

He's caught in an eddy. He can't get out. Wait, was the business open? Closed. So it was afternoon. In my head, I was like, hey, that's excusable, I guess. Business was closed, but the ladies were open. Afternoon Delight at Triple D's, when it's closed,

how do you end up there on the deck overlooking the river having sex? That's a destination threesome, right? Do you have to bring a gift if it's a destination threesome? Was that part of the deal when he approached the two girls? He's like, I got an idea. Threesome. Hold on.

Do you guys like the deck at Triple D's? Who doesn't? Wait till you see the deck. You're gonna love the deck I'm going to give you. Wait till you see the opportunity for You're going to love the deck I'm going to give you. Wait till you see the opportunity for all of you to get splinters in your ass. Wait, not the small deck that overlooks the small river. No. The same.

It's two dudes and one woman, right? No. It's one woman. No, two women and one dude. Are you guys having trouble with this, man? I cannot. Two ladies and a gentleman. Two ladies and a gentleman. Two ladies and a gentleman.

All right. How does he split up the five minutes between them? Am I right, guys? Wow, you're insane. Old married guy joke. I don't understand the math in that. Because if he does actually have sex with one and finish, then the other one has to wait for him to reload.

I don't think you finish. I don't think anyone finishes. And I hope he made the joke, plenty of wood to go around. That's the thing, though, about a threesome, it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Yeah. It's not about completing your task. It's not like, did you finish? No.

Well, then you didn't have a threesome. That's right. It's all about concentrating on kissing while seeing if you can do something with your left hand. Okay. All right. That is really specific, intimate knowledge. Well, for a guy who's turned down four three-ways in his life, if you listen to my appearance on the crab feast, that's what we're here to do is promote the crab feast. I'm not familiar with threesomes, but I gotta

imagine, right? But if a foursome presented itself to you. Oh, we'll play golf. Yeah, that's right. Get in the hole! In an interview with the Sun-Herald newspaper, Sheriff, sometimes names go with being cops, sometimes names

go with being in junior high. Sheriff Ricky Adam. What's Ricky doing these days? He's the sheriff. You know what it is? He's constantly fighting the good fight for people to call him Rick. God damn it. But he's grown

up in this town his whole life and killed Mississippi and they just won't let it go. Chief Ricky, God damn it, I'll sue you. It's Rick. He means it, Trent. Ricky, goddammit, I'll sue you! It's Rick! He means it, Trent. Where was it? Oh, Sheriff Ricky Adam said that the trio engaged in sexual activity,

this is his quote, in the middle of the day, in broad daylight, in front of God and everybody. Because as we all know, God cannot see at night. Also, like... The idea that everybody thinks...

If you've got your religion, I'm not coming out against it, but the thing that always stuck in my craw just a little bit is the idea that God's constantly paying attention to everything. As though he was like, I know that this person's praying for a new liver, but these people are having a threesome in broad daylight.

And I can't turn away from that. I mean, didn't he say be fruitful and multiply? Like, how can he be mad at that shit? Yeah, he's doing the best that he can. Thank you. Two birds, one deck. One cup. Also, you can tell, you know everything you know about this cop.

In broad daylight, in front of God and everybody, he definitely would run Rambo out of town. 100%. He'd throw a Bible at him. Why don't you just keep walking? This is a boring town. We don't need just keep walking? It's a boring town. We don't need folks like you around here with knives and long hair. Wasn't it in front of everybody, though?

It was a closed restaurant on a deck. The creek was small. Who knows how many people were tubing on it. By the way, Jonah has downgraded it to a creek now. He said the creek was small. This brook. Yes. This tiny drain creek was small. This brook. Yes. This tiny drain pipe was small.

This wash. This gutter river. This ditch. Ricky Adam nodded. Quote, I'd hate to have to tell mama and daddy I got arrested for such as that. Mama and Daddy. This is a guy who still goes by Ricky. He still calls him

Mommy and Daddy. He's the most infantilized cop in America. He still has a pacifier on rides. Those are actually his superiors. They make him call them Mama and Daddy. Mama is Commissioner and Daddy. The Mama's commissioner and Daddy is the mayor.

Upon arriving at Triple D's, a sheriff's deputy spotted the man and one of the women having sex. The other woman, I guess, was just disappointed. I don't know why. Checking email, just scrolling through. Maybe there was no threesome. Maybe he got caught and he's like, this is embarrassing. Can you say

there was two girls here? In my mind, it had all the elements of a classic early 90s tag team wrestling match. And one of the girls was like, tag me in, tag me in, tag me in. Well, I think when there was... More like tag me out. Yeah, that's probably that too. I think when there were two of them,

that's when the other one was carrying. When there are only four footprints in the sand, that's when the other one was carrying. When there are only four footprints in the sand, that's when we fucked on the deck. That's when God carried us all. Upon arriving at Triple D's, a sheriff's deputy spotted the man and one of the women having sex. Investigators

subsequently arrested. All of these names are perfect. I could stop after the first one. You're all going to be satisfied. From Louisiana, Amy Hammers. She definitely has that curl in her hair that just goes down like that. And a scrunchie on her wrist.

And she's totally naked but still wearing those 1980s white Reebok like high top work out shoes and a c-section scar but no kids oh oh she gave them up at Sklar Brothers she gave them up for adoption

they were taken away it's still dark. The second person arrested, Tiffany Thibodeau from Biloxi. Thibodeau, Thibodeau. I want her middle name to be Tambor so that she was triple T at triple D. And Tiffany Tambor Thibodeau is a badass thing.

Oh, shit. She's definitely gotten into three fights that week. And lost. She starts a lot of sentences with, ain't nobody gonna tell me. Right. You gonna tell me? The last thing she does, Tiffany Tambor Thibodeau, before she leaves her house, hairsprays her bangs.

The final... The hairspray rake. If there's one word to describe her, it's bangs. Yes. The final member of this three-on-three is Texan Brandon Mayberry. Oh. Too wholesome.

We're going to sue for that. That's as many bars as I can do. Okay, I'm now going to show you the picture of these three people. And it will be posted on the Facebook page. Are we ready? We're going to put it on the Facebook page. Bring up the picture of our three people.

Oh, hi. Who's who? Oh, look at them. In the middle, that's Tiffany. Okay, you guys ready for a very fun game? I cannot wait. We have never played the game like this before. One of these people, and I'm showing you the picture because it doesn't matter.

You can see it, and it isn't going to help you. One of them is in their 30s. One of them is in their 20s. One of them is in their teens. Which one is it? I wish people could see the audience because you really don't know for sure who's in their 30s.

The look of bewilderment on this person is right here. It's like he's looking at a math problem he can't solve. What did you say? Hands over team. We'll do it. We're going to do it.

We're going to get a chance Okay so one of these people Amy Hammers Tiffany Timber Wouldn't it be great if she hears this And the only thing she's mad about is we made up her middle name Like everything else is true

But that middle name shit It is Floyd I am named after my grandfather. And Brandon Mayberry. Maybe you guys don't know which one's Brandon. I know. I think I know. Now, we're going to start here.

You are our guest, Jonah. So you can go first. I'm going to tell you, looking from left to right, I'm going to give you their names. Okay. The person on the far left, Amy Hammers. Amy Hammers, I knew it. Wait, why did you point me? Was I not allowed to guess? No, you're going to get to

decide if you want to go first or last. Amy Hammers to the left. In the middle, we've got Brandon Mayberry. He's getting so big. And then to our far right, we have Tiffany Tambor-Tibbeta or Triple T. Who I would argue has two wandering eyes. Jonah, you can go first or you can go last.

Who's in their teens, who's in their 20s, and who's in their 30s? I will go first. I think Mayberry is in his 20s. I think Amy Hammer is in her 30s. And Tiffany is, Tibidoo's in her teens. Okay. Okay, all, Randy's fine. I think Amy Hammers is in her teens. Mayberry's in his

30s. Okay. And Thibodeau is in her 20s. If I told you that Tambor Thibodeau was 47 years old, would you argue? No. That's why I'm going the other way. If you said great-grandmother, I would agree.

Not even bad enough. No one would argue with that. I'm going to say middle dude is in his teens. Okay. Brandon Mayberry. I think on the end, on the right, she's in her 30s and this one's in her 20s. You said Amy Harris.

Hold on. Let's pick one I think on the end, on the right, she's in her 30s, and this one's in her 20s. Thibodeau? And you said Amy Harris. All right. Now, hold on. Let's see what they... Should we pick somebody to come up? Let's pick one person, somebody who wants to go. Raise your hand if you would like to do it. All right. Hand up first. Okay.

What is your name? Come up here. Come on up here. There's a mic there. Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake. No. Is that for real?

Is that real? It's an unfortunate name to all of them. Like the actor? Wait. No, no. No, like the musician? He sings? No, like the sketch comedy. This guy's an editor. He has to live with unfortunate name to walk around with. Like the actor? No, no. No, like the singer. He sings? No, like the sketch comedy.

This guy's an editor. He has to live with that name. Okay. You're right, yeah. You do right. You're right. Okay, so what do we got? Okay, where are you going?

Who's your guess? JT, what do we got? We're going to do 10, 20, 30 in a line. So teens to Amy. Teens. 20. 20s for Brandon. Shamy.

Yes, exactly. And then we're going to go Timber. All right, 30. It's 30. Give it to us. Here we go, guys. Here we go. Oh.

Amy Hammers. Amy Hammers, who's on this side. I said was a teenager. Far left. Amy Hammers, who seems better than that. Okay, yeah. I'm disappointed mainly in Amy Hamm. Everybody who's guessing in the audience, put your hands in the air.

When you get it wrong, put your hand down. Keep your hand up if you're right. Okay, so I'm going to say, put your hand up. Everyone start with your hands in the air. Anybody who's guessing, just put your hand up. If you think you know what she is. Now, say to yourself, teens, 20s, or 30s. Now, remember, I said teens.

If you're right with what I say, keep your hand up. Scouts honor. Don't lie. Here we go. Amy Hammers is 19 years old. Okay, Randy's still in the running. Jonah, Jason, out. JT is still in, and I would say almost about two-thirds of the audience is with us.

Two-thirds of the audience is still with it. She's got the skin of with us. Two-thirds of the audience is still with it. She's got the skin of a 19-year-old. That Brandon will probably wear two weeks later. Okay. Way to project your creepy joke on that guy. I did it on him. Tiffany Thibodeau.

Which I said she was in her 20s. All right. Randy said his 20 is 26 years old. Brandon Mayberry's 30. Oh, we had a couple winners out there. Noah from Ferrell is in it. Okay. Guys, I always say there's a reason every story ends up in Dumb People Town. We're about to.

We aren't even to that part yet. It should be noted. Now, when they write that, you either know it's going to be meaningless or change everything, right? Change everything in your life. It should be noted that Amy hammers got married two weeks before this deck.

Oh, Amy, you're better than that. And not to Brandon Maynard. Let's go to the next picture, Noah. Hit me up with it. There's Amy. To tear and kill him? There's Amy Hammers. Anywhere from 14 to 18 days before this took place getting married to a guy who...

Yeah, who looks like an adult, like full-size ventriloquist dummy. The name's Charles McCarthy. He looks more stiff than the flag behind her. You might know that groom as Sheriff Ricky Adam. No! I'm just joking. I wanted it to be true. They don't say it's not true.

Don't dare you joke. You're the only one with the information. I know, but didn't it feel good for that sack? Just for a second. That is how it goes down in a small town. Oh my God. It does get a little better. The trio are all co-workers at ADT

Security Services. They knew it was going to be empty. They knew. They've been plotting that out for months. They knew the code. They knew the alarm code. They're just putting in some extra sensors. Can we look up the Yelp page for Triple D's?

Oh, of course we can. The wings are great. The threesomes, not interrupted. They were booked in the Hancock County Jail on misdemeanor charge. Hancock, come on. Great movie, classic movie. That was just a hand with several cocks going out of it.

They were each later released on bonds. Then they said, you can see all three of them above, which we already did. A police report does not address why the group decided to have sex on the rear pavilion at Triple D's. Rear pavilion? Pavilion. They say that there's houses across the small river. They were doing it in view of anybody who wanted to look out at their houses and see. The restaurant, we'll get out of here on this.

The restaurant boasts that it has, quote, the biggest deck on the Jordan River. Story one, guys. Oh, look at that. Now they got. Does their food rating go down from an A to a B after something like that? I don't know. Yeah, but their debt goes to an A+. Yes, I love it.

All right, story number one in the books. How about it, people? For those listening at home, we'll be back with more Dumb People Town and Jonah Ray right after this, guys. All right. That was amazing. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We've got Jonah Ray. If you're not watching Mystery Science Theater 3000, please do. Did you look up their Yelp page? I did. They have no reviews. They have a few. Okay.

Oh, where are you at? It's Triple D's, three reviews, just Triple D's Seafood Burgers. So they make burgers out of seafood, or it's just Seafood, Burger? Tracy H. said, I was a bit leery, as it's a new restaurant, but it far exceeded my dot, dot, dot. Yes. Okay, they have four stars on Google reviews. Who uses Google reviews?

Genius people, because the very first review says, home of the infamous threesome. I was looking at a different one. Ask your server about the threesome that occurred here in May of 2017. I implore any person in the Facebook page within 17 hours of this place,

please go there. Ask for the threesome sauce. And when you go, they'll be like, yeah, we came to get on that deck. Triple Ds, JTs. All right. All right, guys. Wow. Holy crap.

Dan, can you breathe or should we bounce it to you? Well, I want to tell the story of the Twitter. Oh, my gosh. And I just want to all tell the story about the Twitter. Jonah, you're about to be entertained and disappointed in us. Should I get into the audience? Yeah, they're already both. They're already both of those things.

To join them? We have the at DPT podcast. On Twitter. That handle. That's the handle. It's been going since the show started. Every time we tweet about the shows we'll get a nice... One of us was

like retweeted. We'll get a retweet from DPT podcast. We'll include that in our tags. Right. This is the official Twitter thing. When we were doing, promoting the Sal Volcano episode, we made a fun little video that I put on the Facebook page and I reached out

to Randy. I said, Rand... Take this video and put it on the Facebook page and I reached out to Randy. I said, Rand, take this video and put it on the Twitter. And Rand says, I am not running the Twitter right now. Oh, okay. Is Jay running it? And Rand says, I said, I'm not running it. I can barely run my own Twitter with my family.

So then I decide, well, Noah, who works at Ferrell, he's one of the reasons this show even happens. A round of applause for Noah Eberhard. One of the huge reasons. I reach out to Noah, and I go, Noah, obviously you're the one running the Twitter account, so can you give me the login information? Noah responds.

I thought Jason and Randy were running it. Yes. He then says, let me loop in Kristen Myers, who also, round of applause for her. She is just so much a Pharaoh. And find out she might be the one running it, so maybe she has that information. Then we get an email from Kristen going,

I know nothing about the Twitter account. I don't know who's running it. Maybe Jason Smith. Let's go three for three. He's the CEO of Parallel Audio. Jason says, I do not run the Twitter account. So guys...

So we call Jan Flotto. A.K.A. The Cleaner. We are over 20 episodes into this show, and all of us thought that someone else was running Twitter. Turns out, a fan of Dumb People Town has been running the Twitter account the whole time.

Yes. And we don't even know. So then Noah goes, should I slide into them DMs and see if we can get to the bottom of this? We're like, yeah. Yes. So then he goes, I don't So then he comes back and he goes, hey, just big fan, saw you guys didn't have one,

so I started it out. And then I, to these guys, I'm like, we're in a story on dumb people. We don't even run our own Twitter account. We were too dumb to figure out how to do that. And then we just assumed we were all running it together. So then he's like, I can hand it over. That has

how you know that Dumb People Town has the nicest, the people we talk about are dumb, but the people who live here are the nicest. Because he was like, sure, here's all the information. You guys can have it. If it were me, I would have been like, oh, we're going full throttle. I'd start tweeting racist shit.

No, but what was so great about it is he right away was like, if you want to change the password to get me off this thing. Sure. Which I haven't even done. He's doing the work for free. I know.

He did a good job, too. His name is Christian. He's great. I want to give a shout out to Christian. Thank you. Why did you point up? May he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. No, he's still with us.

No, no, we don't want him to die. We just want him to get a good night's sleep. Oh, okay, fair enough. He lives in the rafters. Right, he lives in the rafters of this building. All right, Dan, do we have another story up in the seats? I'm going to read the title, the headline, which I don't always do, but it's going to give us everything we need. I'm going to read

the headline, and then we're going to see the photo. Ready for this? No, here we go. Man who caught deer in Wadena Walmart recalls moments before taking action. Look at this uncle. He is

having intercourse with that dude. He is, that is not essential sex. There is a gentleman in the second row who I can only describe perfectly agape at looking at this. He's like, are you serious? He definitely has a heart on him. Look at this guy.

This guy will give you beer at a wedding. Look at him. This guy will give you beer at a wedding. Look at him. This guy will give you beer at a wedding from a cooler he brought. Your options are Natty Light or Natty Ice.

They don't have to have Bush Light here but I'm fucking drinking it. I bet too he was just thinking I noticed the deer was buying a bag of Old Roy dog food

so I took my stance. He's simultaneously saying to the deer h buying a bag of Old Roy dog food. So I took my stance. He's simultaneously saying to the deer, hush now, hush now, while saying to other people, get back. Give me room. There is food in his mustache from 1997. That's right. The deer definitely knocked off two of the three tape measures on his belt. He wrestled it down. two of the three tape measures on his belt. And if you're playing along at home

or you're just looking on the Facebook page, yes, he does have the deer in an official Gracie-style rear naked choke. No, it's a sleeper hold. He's trying to put it to sleep. It does seem like he has the headlock. He's looking off camera.

It seems like he's yelling. Somebody's like, I told you it's not that hard it's not that hard get the car connie yeah venison tonight we agree right just from this picture he cuts his own hair it's all the same length guys it's all the same length except for the neck and look at the amount of vests well that's their uniform what are you gonna do pointing out their one because there's just not enough but the one thing if you look dead center way in the back there's one guy who's gonna be pissed for 20 years that he didn't get at like interior car cleaner just a little too long he would have been the first person his wife made him do it the the worst part is he's the guy that let the deer into the store with the plan of catching it himself he's like and then i'll be the hero of the day he's like he's like he's like go get him girl yeah see you in about 10 minutes but then he ran into a friend from work and it

by the way there are deer there are deer everywhere like we go back to st louis and we just walk around our old our neighborhood at night and suburbs in the suburbs there are like hundreds of deer oh running around the suburbs. They're large rodents to most people. They're enormous. Their population is way too big, but I mean, this is just, this is beautiful on some level.

I mean, you look at it too. What I'm imagining are like his, her genes from Farm and Fleet that he's wearing. He's also got the, I almost said dog because of the food. The deer's lower body uncontrolled too. He's controlling every animal. He's got every aspect of the deer.

My wife's friend had a cousin who lived in the woods in Wisconsin. We talked about this in our silent. You mean Wisconsin? Yeah, basically Wisconsin. He stole a barrel of jelly from a Pop-Tart factory. Sounds to me like we're doing a third story.

Rolled it onto his property and opened it up so that deer would come on and graze off the sweet jelly. So he could shoot it from inside his house. Inside his house. Shoot the deer. That's not okay. Couch hunting. Couch hunting. Couch hunting.

The hands coming in on the left there looks like the guy's like throwing down money. Like, I got 25 on the deer. From the windows! Okay.

Also, the feet directly facing, pointed forwards on that guy turning around. look at his. It's unsettling.

That is. He's in the middle of a dance move it's like it's like his torso was put on backwards yeah those are those are diabetes shoes we we had a gym teacher mrs. Blake who looked like her body was turned around she had massive front butt this on the top there this person may call a fupa. Yeah. Front butt. All right, so what happened here?

Wadena, Minnesota. Shoppers in Wadena got quite a surprise on Tuesday when a deer made its way into the town's Walmart. I love when towns take possession of things they don't own. This is ours. You can find just about anything at a Walmart, but the superstore's hairiest guest had the whole town talking, sharing, and screenshotting. Is that a word?

Screenshotting? I don't know. No, screenshot is what you do after the image is already posted. These idiots. You walk out. Just outraged. I thought a shelf or something fell over on this lady because she was screaming said stephanie here we go cola joan then this is what they call it is what you

put in your lips when you want them bigger yeah yeah yeah that checks out meg ryan put a ton of cola john this is what they credit her with on the article. Said Stephanie Collagen, deer photographer. You are not on par with planet Earth if you took a picture of a deer in a goddamn Walmart. By the way, the fact that she's identifying herself as a deer photographer, this is her greatest day

ever. I'm going to go to the Walmart to see what happens. That's actually pretty normal. She's picking up some more disposable cameras. See, that's what she works with. She tells the deer, wait for the orange light. Wait for the orange light. Deer don't normally shop at Walmart.

No shit. Who the fuck loves this? Stop it. And the picture has quickly gained traction after the 7.30 incident. No AM, no PM. I'm guessing PM because it's Walmart. Unless it's 24-hour. Most Walmarts are 24-hour.

Shoppers say the little deer's wild deal hunt was likely a search for a snack. They're giving way too much human element. The deer walked in and was like, where the fuck am I? I hope I don't get

tackled by some mustachioed weirdo in that boat. Who's wearing overalls under a t-shirt. That's right. Stephanie Kaljonan, I'm going to try a whole bunch of different pronunciations, said, quote, it came through the garden doors. It must have been eating

the flowers or something. Isn't that a Joe Cocker song? It came through the garden doors. It must have been eating the flowers or something. Isn't that a Joe Cocker song? It came through the garden doors? It came through the garden doors. That's it. It must have been eating flowers or something. Yeah. It must have been eating flowers or something.

That's from the live show at the Wilbur. Yeah. This time of year. Also, I like that it immediately put some kind of blame on the deer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it was eating flowers. So whatever he did to it, it was okay. Right.

This time of year, young deer are left to fend for themselves. The confused animal must have wandered into the semi-rural. What? Is she still being quoted on this? No. This is just our fun reporter. This time of year, young deer are left to fend for themselves. The confused animal must have wandered into the semi-rural shopping center.

Okay, I'm just going to say this right now, and this is going to sound terrible, but I think that Montana, like, senator, I guess he is, body slammed the wrong reporter. Oh. Well, Tom Grasswick, perfect name. Perfect name. Grasswick. Grass name. Grasswick. Grasswick. Grasswick?

This is the guy. Is it Brass or Grass? No. He was just trying to save a few. You're literally not going to answer us. Don't engage. Do not engage on the riff. You've got to push forward. Dan will not engage.

Because Jay and I now have to know. Is it Brasswick or Grasswick? I'm going to reread it for you. Don't! Hold strong in your convictions. The best part is, they think the name is the craziest part is what I'm about to say.

What are you, fucking Zack Morris, just turning to the audience? Haven't you always wanted to? The crazy thing is... Keep doing it. It's so much fun. We'll all freeze whenever you want to do it. Time out. I hate myself.

Time out. He says he was just trying to save a few bucks when the little buck came in and he jumped right on top of the suspecting animal says Tom Grasswick of Deer Creek. I still don't know if it's

Brasswick or Grasswick. G. R. I wonder what it is. It is Brasswick. So was he taking it back home? He saw the little fella, jumped right into action with the unsuspecting shopper. It's not a shopper. It's a goddamn

animal. Now, deers don't normally get tackled and have their necks broken, but in this case... Quote from Grasswick. I felt like I got slugged or something. I should also let you know the reporter did not capitalize I.

Why would she? If you're going down this road, we'll go there with you. Grasswick's got some serious confidence. He says it was just his instinct to subdue the hundred pounder. He's talking about it in terms of weight class that the animal has. How much deer jerky he's going to get out of this thing.

I forgot this quote. He says, I figured I was bigger than the deer so I'd win that wrestling match, says Grasswick. After tackling the young buck, Grasswick and a few others covered its eyes before letting it free outside. After consulting, yeah, everything was fine. I would not do a story

where an animal gets hurt. They all do the nicest thing ever. They're like, cover its eyes and let it go and don't let it. It literally takes two steps out and someone shoots And then it gets hit by a car That's Deer Creek for you You just hear somebody Like yeah Patty I got it

From their truck After consulting with local law enforcement It appears Walmart has made some adjustments To their garden center door policies, which I think means close them. What's that? It's like, we gotta figure this out. We're staying all night if it takes us

to... And just to leave a horrible taste in all of our mouths, the final sentence. It appears that deer won't become a repeat customer. I wouldn't expect so. After the customer service of that plant. it appears that Deer won't become a repeat customer. Oh. What? I wouldn't expect so. After the customer service of that play.

Deer prefers mom and pop organizations. I like that. I know. That's our second story, boys. By the way, you know this is great. Yeah, how about it? You know that's this guy's Christmas card. Rudolph ain't got shit on me.

Merry Christmas. This is 100% being used in his family end of the year newsletter. Dear friends and family. LOL, LOL, LOL. D-E-R. I love it. All right, that's our second story everybody We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this

Alright guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town and we've said this on the podcast recently on ones that will come out I feel like, and you guys, Dan I know and Jay agree that the world is getting dumber It is just getting dumber all around us and Jay agree, that the world is getting dumber. It is just getting dumber all around us. And our only way to combat it is to make fun of it and try and understand it in ways.

And that's what we hope we do with this show. And we hope that reaches you guys. I think what Jonah Ray has done, and if you haven't seen it, have you guys seen Hidden America? I know we mentioned it. Have you seen it on Sheet Show? It's great. It's awesome. I've seen it, and I love it. Have you seen it on Sheet Show? It's great.

It's awesome. I've seen it, and I love it. Fantastic, because it takes the dumb travel show and just turns it on its ear in such a wonderful way. It takes the best travel show done by Anthony Bourdain. That's true. Close personal friend. There you go.

True that. Wasn't he in an episode? He was in an episode. But it takes the idea of travel show conventions that we understand and twist it. So it's real places, fake people, and doing sketches. I remember

one of my favorite ones was the vegetarian restaurant that used meat. Yes, with Ramble Park. He likes the idea of vegetarian and vegan culture, but he'd rather eat meat. So what he does is he takes meat and then processes it enough to have no taste and no good texture

and then makes fake meat patties out of real meat. Out of real meat. Out of vegetarian meat. And you know, you'll be, that's what I, that's my whole comedy style is people going,

yeah, that's us, yeah. So if you like that kind, if you don't like a laugh that hurts your belly, watch it in America. Because the whole time he's saying, oh yeah. That is a comedic bit.

Yeah, that's... I see what he's doing there. I see what he's trying to go for. It's a great show. Anthony Bourdain was on this episode and the entire time we were shooting I was trying to get him to be my friend. And? No.

Not having it at all. I talked about Iggy and the stooges nothing not even uh did you talk about his mma fighting wife uh they were uh split up oh well then maybe that's why but i'll say this we had a little thing where like he beats me up and uh he like held me and it was like a statue came to life uh that guy is uh real strong yeah yeah mma fighting wife uh ex-wife and you were like you know this is a bit right yeah and he's like taking you down uh well i love that show and i love that you're doing that and again i love mystery science theater if you haven't seen it check it out the

new season uh daniel do we have a third we have one more story and then we're gonna take some headlines from you guys did anybody bring any of their own stories? Oh, we got one. Okay, good. We'll take three or four. You better. All right, here we go. This one, though, was sent in by Shane Gavigan. Shane Gavigan again.

Yep, that's right. Gavigan again? Shane G-A-V-E-G-A-N. Thanks, Shane. I cannot pronounce so much of this story, but after the first sentence, we're all going to be in a bad place together. Chacho. Sorry, before you start, what was the name again?

Shane Gavigan. Again. Gavigan. Gavigan. It could be Gavigan. It's Jim Gaffigan. All right, just move on. That's my favorite comedian, Jim Gavigan.

All right, just move on. That's my favorite comedian, Jim Kefigan. This takes place in Chacho, Angsao, I think. Here we go. It was less than a good morning for Athaporn Bunmakachuwe today. Is this a Florida play? No. Terrible joke. It was less than a good morning for him after a python

slithered out of his squat toilet bit his penis and refused to let go. No matter how many times he asked politely. I like refuse.

It's like, uh-uh, motherfucker. You're in my house. Yeah, it was shaking its head no. It was refusing. Refusing to let go. It wouldn't even acknowledge my asking. Ataporn. Ataporn, who just regained consciousness.

Let's take a look at him so we all know he's okay. Noah, there it is. We have watermarks because we don't own photos. He's in a hospital with the weirdest blanket I've ever seen. Yeah, it's a very... It's from the space shuttle. It's just a silky duvet. He just re-entered the atmosphere and is using the parachute.

He literally just ran a marathon with a snake on his dick. And they wrapped him in Mylar. He's like, give me the Liberace sheets. I love that he's not with two doctors. Those are two Chinese real estate agents. Who just sold him a condo with an outdoor toilet. Century 12. The doctor on the left does look way too happy to me.

Why is he that happy? Why is he holding up the peace sign? I do not understand. Like, this is not going to bring peace to the earth. Because it's split. He has two dicks. I got two now. I got two.

I got two. Atta porn. Two. Who eats two? Atta or Atta? I don't don't know atha porn who just regained consciousness i that to me hopes that this reporter was in the room wait are you up are you up wait atha porn does sound like the kind of porn that is a snake biting your dick it does actually he spoke from his hospital bed wednesday afternoon to recount the ordeal he experienced in the

bathroom of his home east of Bangkok. Okay. Oh, boy. Which he'd entered for his morning routine of a shower and a protracted bowel movement. A protracted? Why is he protracting his bowel movement? I think it didn't intend to be because Athaporn said he had just squatted over his toilet for his usual 30 minutes of morning business. This motherfucker can squat for 30 minutes, guys.

I'll tell you something. Johnny Bench, who was a catcher in Major League Baseball for a year, developed knee problems from squatting about 30 minutes a day. Yes. This is way too much squatting. Every morning, this guy's going 30 minutes. But he is sitting on a toilet. No, this is squatting. He's squatting over a hole minutes. But he is sitting on a toilet. He's squatting.

So it's just a hole in the ground. Yes, even if he was sitting, I'd be like 30 minutes, wrap it up. My legs fall asleep. That's how you get hemorrhoids. Is that how? That's what the squatty potty, the idea of the squatty potty is you should squat

when you do it faster. And it summons pythons, apparently. Look, he made some vital mistakes. At Sklar Brothers. He definitely should not have been playing a flute to the tune of... That is going to bring something up there. So what is the size of this python? 24 inch? Are these the size of this python? 24 inch?

Are these the size of Hulk Hogan? He's doing his 30 minutes of business. When the python rose from the depths to fasten its jaws around the end of his penis. Just the tip, guys. This is...

First of all, give me everyone's fear in Bangkok, more than anything. Not to be like Bill Maher talking about 9-11, but we're talking about this snake was pretty courageous to come up through the shit. Yeah, he has no idea what's on the other side. I mean, he doesn't know. He probably came up and was like, the fuck's this snake looking at? You want to come at me? I'm sure his side was like some low-hanging fruit.

Hold on, who's that? Yeah, exactly. He's just territorial more than anything. He's just glad a ghoulie wasn't in the toilet. Yeah, I read this. As his wife, Sawitri, would tell the newspaper later, that's when, so the snake comes up,

does the good bite, fights the good fight, she heard him scream for help and call for a rope. What? To tie it around the neck. What's going on? I need a rope. Yes.

My life is over. I'm going to hang myself. He's always down there. He's looking out. He's forecasting this. But to ask for a rope means that like he there is definitely some teaching of like if a snake comes up through your shit yes number one grab a rope but the other thing is i just want to hear the conversation of her not being able to find the

rope so i don't see it i don't i don't see it Look at the linen closet What do you need a rope for? Open the door and I'll come help you I need a rope I don't see it Is it under the towels or over the towels? I don't see it In the garage? What's happening in there?

Is there a cowboy with salsa that's from New York City? That's a good joke. She calls to the rope. She finds it. Upon entering the bathroom, saw a tree, found her bleeding husband fighting with the nearly. How long is this snake? Okay. Now, you're a guest again.

You can go first or you can go last, Jonah. How long is the snake? Yes. Let's see. In terms of feet. Okay. So we're a guest again. You can go first or you can go last, Jonah. How long is the snake? Yes. Let's see. In terms of feet. Okay. So we're talking feet. We're talking feet here.

We're talking feet. I've got to readjust my brain now. Okay, you can go last. It's a python. Yeah, it's a python. Do you want to go last? I'm going to say ten feet. Ten feet.

Ten feet. Okay. Randy Sklar. Ten feet, that's a J-Lo movie. I think it's three feet long. Three feet long from Randy Sklar. 10 feet? That's a J-Lo movie. I think it's three feet long. Three feet long from Randy Sklar. Three feet? I'd say three feet high and rising. Jason Sklar.

I'm going to say 14 feet. 14 feet. Okay. I would like, do we have two people who would like to guess? Gentlemen, second row on the right. What's your name? Alex. Okay, Alex. How many feet? Seven feet. One more back here on the row. right. What's your name? Alex. Okay, Alex. How many feet? Seven feet. One more back here in the row.

What's your name? Andrew. So who doesn't go over? We're going closest straight up. Seven, eleven, fourteen, three, and ten. Somebody in this room is one away. One foot away.

Solid tree. Nine. Solid tree. Ten Saw a tree. Saw a tree. Ten and a half. Ten and a half. Found her bleeding husband fighting with a 13-foot-long high five. Jason Sklar.

Yes. She gave him the rope as requested. This is the point where I'm about to tell you guys things are going to get graphic. If you need to look away, this is real and it happened, but as you saw earlier, he's okay. Peace, guys.

He's okay. He's got the cold bedspread on, guys. Two parts of his genitals remain. Two penises. He's got a weekend penis and a weekday penis. Just before he passed out from loss of blood, Adelphorn

grasped the serpent by its head and managed to use the rope to tie it to the bathroom floor. Noah, hit me. Okay, now, look at this snake, guys. This is a fight for your life. Literally, at that point, you're like sorry i i'm gonna go on

a limb i would say if i'm fighting the snake party would be like i can lose a dick if i can save my life yeah oh okay you ready for this yeah 38 man was taken to a nearby hospital while rescuers worked who were left they worked to deal with the rampaging reptile, soon to be a movie with The Rock, whose body was still mostly stuck in the squat toilet. Noah? Okay, this is graphic. Guys, look at all this blood. Wait, is the pink thing his dick?

No, it's part of the rope over the head, I think. Hand prick. This is like the last Jurassic Park movie. You guys, that dick be dicks be bleeding, y'all. Dicks believe workers removed the toilet

from the house, at which point they took a hammer to it, the toilet, and they freed the body of the beast. No word. Apathorn, freed the body of the beast. No word. Apathorn, we can get off the image. Apathorn is in stable condition, flanked by grinning doctors. He told reporters that he was careful to

I don't know if I would have this much awareness, unhinge the reptile's jaws rather than forcing it free and risking permanent damage to himself. So he saved by coming up and out rather than just rip away. Yeah, because

if you rip away, you rip away. Yes. Authorities suspect the python entered the home. Don't rip away. Is that a Rusted Roots song? Don't rip away. Ripping it away. I don't listen to hippie shit. Oh, okay. Fair enough.

Fair enough. I don't listen to hippie shit. Oh, okay. Fair enough. I thought you were going to say I don't listen to car commercials. I don't mean to discredit your choice of story. No, no. I will discredit the rest of it all day. And I mean no disrespect to the podcast in general. But what did this guy do that was so dumb to deserve to have his story told in this podcast? This guy just went and had 30 minutes every morning taking a shit. That seems like a personal...

No, that's too much time. Maybe he's got kids. He just wants some time alone. I don't know, man. Go for a walk, goddammit. You don't got to work on your quads that much. I do P90. And here's the other thing. If you live in that kind of country

and you're crapping in the ground, I'm looking for snakes every two minutes. Every time? I'm doing a snake sweep. You saw it. It was like a bidet style. It doesn't matter. It was not the ground.

Is a python going to come through my toilet in my house? I don't think so. Well, this has been recorded. Okay. So it's going to come back to get you. If it happens. I will take full over. The thing that makes me happiest, they were able to save the python,

and it was released back to nature. Yeah, everybody wins. It was released back in his toilet. Yeah. It's in a Walmart where a guy's nailing it and laying on top of food. All right, so that's it, you guys. Good story. All right, we'll take, you want All right. Who... We'll take...

Let's... You want to do like three? Three? Three? We had two for sure. Okay. Right here. So there's a microphone over here.

So there's a mic right over here, guys. Go on over to it. What we're going to do is read us the headline, and then we'll proceed cautiously to see... Or we'll say, I don't think we can do this. Yeah. We might have to bail. So one of you guys come on up right over to the mic, whoever wants to go. Don't, guys.

Don't push each other. Not all at once. There's no need to push. Yeah. Go ahead. There's no need to bail. So one of you guys come on up right over to the mic, whoever wants to go. Guys, don't push each other. Not all of us. There's no need to push. Yeah, go ahead. There's no need to push. Tell us your name. A man proudly wearing a Fresno t-shirt. Hell yeah.

That tells you all you need to know. Not too proud. Your name's Will? I'm Will. Welcome to Dumb People Town. Thank you. So the headline is, Man who mowed lawn with tornado behind him

says he was keeping an eye on it. I love this story. Dan, we actually do this story. We've done it in an episode that has preceded this. Yes, it will drop. But I love this so much because you don't know if this guy was dumb or just trying to prove a point to his goddamn wife. Exactly. Oh, you want me to mow the lawn?

I'll fucking mow the lawn. I think it's practical. You mow a lawn, and then you just wait for the tornado to pick up all the clippings. And that's how I don't have to bag anything. It just blows it all away. Look at it, Jonah.

You've got to see. I've seen that. It's just beautiful. He doesn't care. Angry. Yes. That's an angry lawn mowing right there. Someone needs to meme this with like,

TFW, don't give any fucks. Right, at all. I love it. Dude, I love it so much. Thank you. Thanks for bringing that story in. Great one. I think that'll be,

we'll go through that whole story on an episode with Colin Hanks, I believe. That's right. Do we have another one? Did anyone else? Come on, somebody else. Come on, friend. All right, we'll go through that whole story on an episode with Colin Hanks, I believe. That's right. Who else? We have another one. Did anyone else? Come on, somebody else. Come on, friend. All right, here we go.

Yes. All right, here we go. Get up on the mic. What is your name? My name is Laura. Hi, Laura. So I just saw this today randomly. Okay.

I used to go to school at Humboldt. Oh, okay. So this is from the Lost Coast Outpost. Eureka man arrested after shooting victim with Rice Krispies loaded ammunition. Oh. He snap, he snap, crackled and popped someone in the ass. He shot Rice Krispies at somebody? Yeah.

Is that an offense? I don't know. That's a dream come true for me. I'd be like, I know I'm not supposed to eat these, but they were shot at me. I feel like they can only go through a blow dart. Is that the greatest halftime show?

By the way, every blow dart, it doesn't matter if you shoot at someone's feet, it just always gets them right in the neck. Two fingers to the neck and then down. Should we start to hear what happened? Give us one more detail from this story.

I love this. All right. So, the Eureka Police Department responded to the foot of Truesdale Street. Don't worry. I mess up nine times in every story. No, no, you're good. No, that's for the walking tour.

Oh, heck yeah, it is. Thank you, love. Thank you. For the report of shots fired. It was reported that an adult male had sustained a single gunshot wound to his hand. So these cops are like coming in hot. Coming in.

We're like, guns are out, sirens are up, ATF has been called. Milk is ready. Milk is ready. Jonah said that. So the first officers on scene located the victim who had what appeared to be a non-life threatening wound to one hand. You know that the cops

pulled up. There were other people milling about. No one appeared to have a wound. The guy wanted to see if they would realize it was him. Then it was like, over here! Over here! I got shot! Owie! I got shot!

I think it's pretty obvious where I got shot. You guys don't have to be dicks about it. Do we have any more? Oh, there's some more. Give us a little bit more. Give us a little bit more. You're doing great. So it appeared, based on the investigation, it appears glass fired, this is the guy's

name, gun loaded with a shotgun shell filled with Rice Krispies. What? What? So there is a shell around this. I mean, I don't know how bullets work. But with Rice Krispies. Jason, I don't know how bullets work. The shell stays. The shell stays the shell stays the bullet part

is bad well yeah so like he lo this is a first of all i'm gonna say early retiree right like very pissed in his neighbor militia yes tried to do as, like definitely research the difference between like simple assault and felony assault. Like definitely talks to his neighbors in military time. If he's also packing his own shells, I guarantee he's trying to teach someone how to fly fish. Hey, Gene, what time is it? Oh, you know, he's like, do you hear that noise last night? He's like, oh, at 0300 hours. Yeah, Gene, at 0300 hours? Yeah, Gene.

At 0300 hours. Wait, so they respond. He packed the shell himself. What else is there? This is gold. It was a flare gun. It was a flare gun? So this guy's like, if there's an accident, I got it, guys.

I can shoot a flare of of fruit loops into the sky. Two things. This argument started at work. One of them is seasonal, and this dude has a manifesto. For sure. I guarantee you. All of that is true. Yeah, yeah.

No, this is a classic Humboldt County. Nice. Thank you very much. Nice. Thanks so much. Oh, great. Solid dumb people town. You have one more?

Right here on the aisle. Did you have one, my man? We have one more right here. All right, let's do one more. Bring it up to the mic, dude. Thanks, man. You guys, this is amazing. Do you think Rice Krispies was what he had at home

or he thought of it when he bought Rice Krispies? Yeah, I think he thought of it. That's the difference between premeditated Rice Krispies. It could have been Fruity Peies. Yeah, I think he thought of it. That's the difference between premeditated rice krispies. It could have been Fruity Pebbles. Do you think he pointed the flare gun and was like, you've been treated. Boom!

Alright, here we go. State your name, sir. Steven. Hi, Steven. Welcome to Dump It. This is actually from my hometown in Fort Myers, Florida. First of all, a, no, no. Hometown. A round of applause for Steven for making it out.

He made it out. He made it out. He survived. Flew all the way out here just for this. I know Fort Myers really well. My wife. My wife. My stepdad.

My wife. Sanibel. Sanibel Island. You fly into Fort Myers. It is like five miles in any direction. This is what I say about Florida. Five miles in any direction, it's bad. They're selling meth.

If you go five miles that way, they're like, don't go five miles that way. I'm like, why? They're selling meth. You're at the beach, and someone points out, do not go five miles that way. In the ocean, yep, there's a mobile meth station right in the ocean. And the funniest thing, those people selling meth. They've got white hair because they're about 60 years old and they've been living in Florida for about five years.

Read us the headline. The headline is, Woman Arrested for Indecent Exposure in Downtown Fort Myers. The picture is the seller. The picture is what goes with this article. Why doesn't it say woman arrested for being normal in Fort Myers? Woman arrested because you don't know what age she is.

It's as if, have you ever played the game Guess Who? The game Guess Who? She would be a picture on Guess Who? She would be the larger bald man with red hair. She would be his younger sister. if like Heidi Klum

decided to just take off her clothes and got down for Myers yeah no one's gonna report that at all this lady like a red-haired bowling ball of a human I saw I saw Heidi Klum at like a charity event I literally I literally she was with a kid with one of seals kids or her kids, whatever. Same thing. It's a baby seal. It's a baby seal. I was like. I saw her.

I don't know if you guys planned that, and I don't care. It was gold. You should use that in the club. I saw her. I saw her like, she was maybe 20 feet away. She was so hot. I literally saw her, and I was like, shut the fuck up. Oh, that can't be!

If she got naked, no call. This woman, like, starts to take her top off. There's like eight cops. No, no, no. Sheriff Ricky's going, in front of God and everybody? Let me stop you there. She kept the top on. She kept the top on.

I ain't showing you assholes my titties! I'll read the headline and then I'll show you the picture. All right, go for it. A transient, which means she's going down to Fort Myers for the winter because it's a little bit warmer down south. A transient Fort Myers woman was arrested earlier this month. I love transient, by the way. That's my favorite new show.

After officers says she exposed herself in public And urinated on a city bench In downtown Fort Myers Again, this is probably a Tuesday Or Tuesday, if you will This is, uh, yeah Okay, I want to hear a little bit Oh, this is it

Alright, Dan, let's see it Oh my god This is like the Describe her, Dan She looks like that old guy She makes her own jam You know like the old baseball clown Who like you know the guy

Who doesn't have any teeth Why is it when people lose their teeth It always looks like they're eating something I think there's the sensation There's a lot of sensation Well they're teeth grinders and it's just phantom teeth Phantom teeth grinders Yeah she

I've seen I mean we live in Los Angeles I've seen people pee on the streets Oh I've seen all sorts of movements I once saw a lady Bend over and shoot her urine Into a trash can What? Do you tip her?

Yeah, she fell down right away. All right, thank you to Jonah Ray. Thank you to you guys. We're the Squire Brothers. This has been Gum People Talk. Daniel Van Kirk. Thank you. We got to get to work.

Thank you. Thank you. We've got to get to work. Thank you. Thank you, guys.