Dumb People Town - Jonah Ray - Pickle Juice to the Rescue

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

This week, Jonah Ray joins the show. Story 1 covers boxed wine and exposed breasts at a hospital. In story 2, an Australian man gets stuck and the Internet comes to rescue with some advice about pickle juice. Story 3 covers a poorly thought-out lawn sign.

Skypain's out of here. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population you. Population Ray.

Jonah Ray. Radio. Hi, Jonah Ray. Hi, guys. How's it going? Dude, I love you so much. You've only done a live show. You've never been in a studio. Coming on strong.

Coming on real strong. Coming in hot. Yeah. How in the world are you looking younger every year? Younger, thinner. And cooler. Younger, thinner. Cooler, hipper. Stronger. cooler, hipper Stronger, better, faster

Faster, stronger What song was that? Who did that? Kanye It was Daft Punk You are all those things I don't know what's happening I lose weight and then I got to a point Where I'm like, should I be worried?

No All I'm doing, should I be worried? It's like it just kind of, you know, all I did was all I'm doing is starving myself. Turns out, that works great. Turns out that's like not eating is the thing. As I shovel a bag of Doritos. I need to eat

less. Well, we are so happy to have you on our podcast and announce something really cool. I'm going to save it for the beginning of the second. Well, what if people stop listening? Because they're like, Jason's not funny.

No, they will continue to listen because we're only going to do it in between right at the beginning of the second break. We're going to make a very cool announcement. Huge, awesome announcement about Jonah Ray's awesome podcast.

And about something involving us. So we're going to talk about Jonah Radio in a little bit. But right now, Jonah, we have to deal with the fact that the world is getting dumber as we speak. I mean, all these things we're saying to talk about Jonah Radio in a little bit, but right now, Jonah, we have to deal with the fact that the world is getting dumber as we speak. I mean, all these things we're saying, it just got dumber. Dan

Van Kirk gets wonderful stories. Hi, Dan. Sent from our wonderful fans. Dumb boots on the ground. And they send those stories in, and then we have to try and break them down. So Jonah, you want to jump into one right away? If it makes me seem superior to dumb people in the world, I'm all about it. Let's do it! Or identify

with it. Or just be like, I've been there. We'll see. We'll see, bro. It holds up a mirror, bro. A mirror? A mirror. A mirror. I call mirrors mirrors. I hold up a mirror. It's a Juan Miro.

I hold it up. We started to come with this character that Jonah would really like. He's a Chua Nua nuance. He's a Ron Merle. Bro. So we started to come with this character that Jonah would really like. Is Tua Nua Nuance. He's a Hawaiian Raiders fan. Well, Tua, that sounds like that's a Samoan name. Yeah, Samoan name in Hawaii. But he's from Hawaii and he's a... Come on, bro.

Let's go, bro. Let's go outside. It's bra. Let's go, bro. Let's go, bro. Bro never happened in Hawaii. It's bra. Let's go, bro. Come on, bro. It's bra. It's bra. Let's go. Let's go, brah. Bro never happened in Hawaii. It's brah. Let's go, brah. Come on, brah. Hold, brah. Let's go.

Let's go, brah. I got the Tupperware, brah. Brah, let's go. Get the Tupperware. Let's go, brah. Alright, so let's get into this, Dan. Ready? Yes. This one starts out with quite a question. Who sent it, by the way? Sent in by Jennifer Hansen at GopherPuck fan. Minnesota hockey fan. Minnesota. Minnesota hockey fan.

Minnesota. How can starting off the day drinking from a box of wine possibly go wrong? Ask any woman who's 39. I don't know. I was going to say, if her name is Diane and she's my mom, she'd say, that's how you started off to go right. Yeah. She said, that's how you start off.

That's how you start off boys and no father. Well, Franzia. You start off the day like that. You're talking about starting off a day, right? Have you noticed that there's not high-end boxed wine? Yeah. There isn't? There isn't?

What did you say? There isn't? You know what? You're right. Name another thing you can drink out of and then make furniture out of. Can't do it with bottles. That's a good point. Name another thing you can drink out of and. Can't do it with bottles. What's a good point? Another thing you can drink out of and then ship a package in.

It definitely, the day that would be, it definitely ended in cuffs for one Florida woman. Mary Ellen Stewart. Hey, master. You got to say hey. Oh, yeah, yeah. Mary Ellen Stewart. Hey. Was chilling on a beach on the property of a St. Petersburg hospital, drinking out from the spout of a box of Franzia Sunset Blush wine on Thursday.

Hold up. Should a hospital have a beach? I know there's so many details. Is this the hospital from Awakenings? Are they all just sitting in a circle throwing balls at each other? I'm sorry. Did I say beach? Yeah.

I meant bench. Oh, bench. I should have left it there. Regardless. So much all just sitting in a circle throwing balls at each other? Did I say beach? I meant bench. I should have left it there. Regardless, so much better if it's a beach. I'm going to go hang out at that hospital beach. Okay, so things are not going great for you if you're drinking wine out of a box. Things are going even worse for you if you're literally drinking

from the box. Like you're not pouring it into a glass. And now put yourself on a hospital bench. It could be worse because I have known people to take it out of the box which is now just a bag of wine and you can stash that easily into a concert. It's a concert, exactly.

My box pig. You got my box bag, bro. A box? A bag box? I don't know. A bag of boxed wine? A bag of boxed wine. I'm not sure if you've ever broken box a bag of boxed wine I'm not sure if you've ever broken into a Franzia box before but it is a bag

it's a silver bag if possible it is somehow a sad bag it looks sad it's the alcoholic version of a colostomy bag she took that up by drinking Not just boxed wine in the morning

Boxed wine from the spout Of the box On a hospital bench What is a hospital bench? A bench outside of a hospital? In a hospital Her chosen flavor Franzia Sunset blush

You know who came up with that? Dennis Franz Is he dead? Franzia. Franzia. Sunset blush. You know who came up with that? Dennis Franz. Oh, really? Dennis Franz. Is he dead? I don't know. This is according to an arrest affidavit obtained by the smoking gun. If the box wine didn't make Stewart stand out, so her sitting on a bench pouring it.

Her nakedness did. The fact that she was topless definitely did. I know this woman. We know her too well. Police noted in the report that Stewart was allegedly, quote, in view of the public and that her breasts were completely exposed when they approached her around 10 a.m. Dan, I've heard of wanting a top off with your wine. This is ridiculous. A little top off. A little top off.

I say free the nipple. Thank you. You have the guts to say it, Jonah. When they approached her at around 7.40 a.m. Oh, so the end of her night. She didn't go to the hospital. She ended up in the hospital.

They said that security and nursing staff witnessed this. It is kind of interesting. You wouldn't know which one to send over. By the way, aid or assistance. There was one orderly who turned to another and said, best morning ever. Yes.

How about Grey's Anatomy? The arrival of police didn't appear to distract Stuart from her alleged morning task, like it's a chore. Yeah. At first, in the report, police wrote that she, quote, held the box wine over her head and began to drink from the spout. Hey, this is the way God intended it to go out of a box. This is the way they drink box wine in the movie 300.

I thought you were literally just going to say, this is the way they drink box wine. Period. This is the way we do it. You can try as you might. You can't pour it into a glass. Montel Jordan said it. This is how we do it. Or This Is Us.

Like, this would be a way. But if this was the This Is Us, the TV show. And I love Chris Sullivan, but I would like. I put him in this. He's the orderly. She seemed to change her tune when police tried to take the wine out of her hands. Well, now you're going to fight. What song is she singing?

She already doesn't care. She's got no top one. She's got Chicago No Hope. Stewart reacted by allegedly, quote, began to shake the box intentionally toward deputies in an attempt to splash wine on us. You want it? You guys want it? Yeah.

Let's see your titties too. The wine t-shirt party. Like it's gasoline and you're about to like, I'll spray it on you. You probably should run a car. It's pretty flammable. Yeah, for sure. Police arrested her and brought her into the station

where she posed for quite the mugshot, which we'll see in a second. Oh, she definitely posed quite the mugshot, which we'll see in a second. Oh, she definitely posed for that mugshot. Stewart was charged with disorderly intoxication and was released from jail the same day on her own recognizance. The affidavit lists that Stewart is unemployed. She lives in Kenneth County. What? Hang on a second.

Wait a minute. Jonah, I do not buy this for one second. She lives in Kenneth County about a 10-mile distance from where the incident took place. She's a notary public. I hope she was not on a run. I think she's a notary public. She's training for a half marathon. Half marathon.

And you drink a half a box of wine for every 13 miles you run. It's not clear if she has a lawyer who can speak for her behalf. She doesn't appear to have any prior arrests. Before I show you this photo, and we end the first story from today, how old do you guys think Mary Ellen Stewart is? You know it's 740? Say her name one more time. Mary Ellen Stewart.

Hey. Hey. Jonah, you are our guest. You can go first, Tigger, or third. 33. 33 years old. The age of our Lord. Yeah, exactly. It was a box of water before. And turned into a box of water! That's her defense. You guys don't understand. I was a stream of water.. And turned into a box of water. That's your defense? You guys don't understand.

I was a string of water. Oh, no. That's what's up. Boom. Can you believe boxed water? You guys should be cheering. Boxed water is still a thing. Yeah.

I thought that would be gone so fast. That's a box of water. Yeah. It's in a milk carton. It's like the milk carton one, right? Yeah. Never had it. It's pretty good.

It's fine. 33. Turns out, as far as water goes. It's wet. Yeah. I'm going to say, but how cold can It's fine. 33. Turns out, as far as water goes. It's wet. Yeah. I'm going to say, but how cold can it get? And how cold can it stay? I'm going to say she is 49.

49 years old. Topless and 49. I think she's 41. 41? Yeah. Okay. 33, 41, 49. We're going to close out the first story with this.

And all of our townies, please play along with us wherever you are. And if you want to see her pose, it's going to close out the first story with this. And all of our Taiwanese, please play along with us wherever you are. And if you want to see her pose, it's going to be on the Facebook page. Oh, yes, for sure. Mary Ellen Stewart is 81 years old.

Oh, my God! Even she can't believe it. By the way, can I just say, she looks, and I'm being 100% honest here, she looks 76. 76. Neither one of you can finish Randy's joke.

She looks 76. She's looking up at God like, what do I have to do for you to take me off of this planet? She's looking like she just like What do I have to do for you to take me off of this planet She's looking like she just saw A photo of herself Here's my thing if I'm the cop And she's 30s 40s

I'd be like come on we gotta go But she's 81 I'm like I'll take you home Whatever what do you want You know what do whatever You want to be topless drinking wine go ahead Nobody's getting hurt here 81 years old live it She doesn't have much time left What do you want? You know what? Do whatever. You want to be topless drinking wine? Go ahead. Yeah. Nobody's getting hurt here.

She doesn't. 81 years old. Live it. She doesn't have much time left. No. Or maybe she has a lot of time left. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe she thought the boxed wine would take her out, and then luckily she'd be right next to the hospital for them to finish the job.

She's already where she needs to be. That is some ahead thinking. Yeah. That's ahead planning. She's thinking like, I don't need an ambulance. I love this already here. Mary Ellen Stewart. Hey.

All right, there you go. Story number one, down the books. Jonah Ray is with us. We'll talk more about a big announcement on the other side of this break. This is Dumb People Town.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Dan, you have some dates that are right around the corner. Tell people where you are. I do want to let everybody know. Guys, the Together Tour is back out on the road. We're doing another leg of dates.

Go see him, please. Go to danielvankirk.com to get all the specifics, links, and where you can buy them. But I can tell you right now, starting on the 26th of June, I will be in Chicago, Madison, Kansas City, St. Louis, Indy, and Milwaukee. Get your tickets. A Midwest run right there. I would love to see a whole bunch of you townies join me. So go to DanielVanKirk.com and come to the Together Tour.

Love it. And we're going to be in San Francisco at Cobbs on the 28th, 29th, 28th, and 29th. We're going to be in San Francisco at Cobb's on the 28th, 29th, 28th and 29th. But the bigger news for us is that Randy and I are within this larger network, starting our own little podcast network with hand-picked shows that we love. And Jonah Ray, Jonah Radio, one of our favorite podcasts that we've ever done and ever listened to, is coming to join that network. And we're so happy that you're with us. So we kind of have worked with you to help, you know, I mean, it's amazing show,

really fantastic show. And we have sort of worked to kind of develop it. And I wouldn't even say retool it. It was just sort of pull out the best parts of it to make it what it is. And it is lean and funny and structured. And I think it allows you and Neil and Cash to be the most you and Neil and Cash that you can be. We could barely keep up with the pace we've set for ourselves. I love it! It's hilarious. It makes me laugh every time. Tell people the premise of the show in case they haven't

heard it and we're going to tell you right now. You get on and subscribe to it. We want to make this a juggernaut and this is the way we're going to do it. If you like this show, you will love that show. Well, Jonah Radio, you know, we take submissions from musicians and bands. I love it. We want to make this a juggernaut, and this is the way we're going to do it. If you like this show, you will love that show. Well, Jonah Radio, we take submissions from musicians and bands. Some good, some terrible.

I try to pick the ones that I genuinely think are good. You aren't known for your taste. I don't try to approach it in a negative way. It's more to celebrate bands that are working. A lot of people send me bands. They're like, here's my band from college. I go, no. I want an opportunity

to get your music heard. If we can help propel it. Yeah, exactly. Well, no, you have picked bands before they've broken a little bit, too. A band I played, some kids just out of high school, they just got signed to a big record. Can't say it yet. Can't say it!

It's Silverchair. It's not a silver chair. They got a three record deal. Really? Dude, you are a tastemaker. It's all about helping the community, the larger art community. That's awesome. So you play these submissions, which is great, and they're cool with you playing their music out there because you get it out to tens of thousands of people, which I love.

Yeah, but we also go over, it's three, you know, it's three older dudes that love music and grew up listening to music and then we go through the music news of the day and try to figure out, you know, and then it's a way to keep up with stuff

and have those music arguments that I miss from working at record stores and so on. It does, I was going to say, it feels like the best way of high fidelity

that's sort of like those guys hanging out and having whatever discussions that they're having. And everything starts with the source material, a lot like this show, like these stories. But then it devolves into riffs about absolutely everything on this planet. Yeah, I mean, it's fun tracking news, too. You know, like we're still in the middle of the Lil Nas X saga.

I mean, it is a saga. It is a... Can't nobody tell him nothing. Yeah, yeah. Which I was like... So everyone can tell you everything. Yeah. Because it's double negative,

everyone can tell you anything. But you just called it Old... Old Town Road. I thought you were going to call it the Old Country Buffet. Yes. And that would have been different. I'll listen to that.

That's the parody I'm working on right now. But then we found that Cupcakey, who's a rapper out, I think, Chicago or Detroit, she did a parody of it. I want to take your D, put it in my hole. There you go. All right. Thank you. Thank you very much.

But me, Cash, Neil have been buds for a real long time, and we all hate each other, I think, a nice amount. I know you love each other so much that you can afford to hate each other. It's come around the cul-de-sac. To me, you ripping on Neil for any little screw-up that he has is one of my favorite things. They're not little. They're indicative of a larger problem. That's the thing.

Cash is kind of happy-go-lucky. We all want the best for Cash. Cash is a very large man that we all want to live for a long time. Yes. And we're not sure. He's actually even bigger than you. Is he bigger than you?

He's taller. He's taller. Let's not make him a giant. Let's not make him a golem here. I'm not the big fat guy working with him. No. But also, Neil, he wanted me to mention, because he's very proud of this. I told him I was coming on this show.

Yeah, he's the best. He says, try to mention that they've been doing my Ace Frehley joke, and it's been noted to me with proper attribution from people all over the best. He says, try to mention that they've been doing my Ace Frehley joke, and it's been noted to me with proper attribution from people all over the globe. At a picnic in Stockholm, a guy was like, this is the Ace Frehley guy. Yes! Because we mentioned Neil Mahoney, because Neil Mahoney, we said when we saw a video of Ace Frehley. Of Kiss.

Of Kiss. You said, have you seen Kiss lately? Our friend Neil said that Ace Frehley looks like a baked potato on top of two French fries. And he added not regular French fries, crinkle cut French fries. So it looks like his legs are buckling under the weight of the potato. All right. Great. Neil Mahoney, we give you full credit for that.

Here's what I'm going to say to you guys, our Dumb People Town fans, before we jump into the next story. We cannot endorse this show anymore. This is a really special endeavor for us. Like you said, we couldn into the next story. We cannot endorse this show anymore. This is a really special endeavor for us. Like you said, we couldn't endorse it anymore. We have fulfilled our sick of it. We're done. We cannot do it anymore. I hate the sound of my own voice.

Try as we might to people. I just think, if you want to hear three hilarious dudes, one of them being this guy right here, talking about music, which is something that everybody loves. And you want to learn about new stuff, bands that you would not know about, and you just want to have fun. It is such a fun, like, it's not even an hour sometimes. It's under an hour a lot of the times.

Yeah, yeah. And we also do theme stuff. It's like we recently said, what are the rallying hometown stadium games? It's like, what's the music to replace? What's going to replace Don't Stop Believing? Did you guys? Okay, Seven Nation Army has taken over as a huge stadium. But when Queen made their song, yes, in the movie,

they said, yes, we wanted something where the fans can come in. But did they think to themselves, this would be like, We Will Rock You will be all that? Or do you guys do the best songs to hear as you're walking home from a party? Yeah, what's like walking home from a party? I love it. It's so good. Jonah Radio.

R-A-Y-D-I-O. Jonah Radio. Subscribe to it right now. Disclaimer, Dio hasn't once shown up to be on the podcast. Do not expect Ronnie James Dio to be on. He's dead. All right.

Let's get back to the story, shall we? Let's do it. Let's jump in. All right. This was sent in by Bill Robinson at Mr. Bill Robinson. Thank you, Mr. Bill. A jar of, I do not know what this is, so you guys can tell me. Gherkins?

Gherkins large. Tiny. No, tiny pickles. Gherkins are like. Tiny pickles. Tiny pickles. There you go from Hawaii. You mean cornichons? tiny pickles tiny pickles tiny pickles there you go from Hawaii you mean cornichons? yeah they're like cornichons

a jar of gherkins and a gaggle of helpful internet soldiers strangers maybe soldiers came to the rescue of a Perth man who found found his naked buttocks super glued to the top of a homemade bar on a Friday night. Found them? Yeah.

Like they were detached from him. Yeah. Well, there they are. Is this King Missile's follow-up to detachable penis? Detachable buttocks? Million in one shot. They're not so tiny, gherkins, but they are pickles. They're small pickles.

Small fat. They're not so tiny, gherkins, but they are pickles. They're small pickles. They're small fat. In Australia, Noah, our producer, just said, in Australia, gherkins are regular. Because everything on Shazam, that's not a pickle. There's a pickle. That's your Yakov Smirnoff, Australian Yakov Smirnoff. That's not a pickle.

In Australia. In Australia. The sky's behind the seemingly innocuous title, Who Do You Call When You're Stuck? A post by... Wait, who do you call when you're... Is that an Australian game show? No, this is...

I think it's going to be on Reddit. So the title of the post was just Who Do You Call When You're Stuck? I would say Ghostbusters. You backslash agent641 to the Perth section of the popular internet forum Reddit revealed the hilarious misadventures of an amateur carpenter.

Well, Jesus should call the Bible, at least the New Testament hilarious. If that was the name of the Bible, I would read that so much. It's like Alexander's terrible, horrible, no good day.

Yeah, exactly. Jesus Christ, terrible, horrible, no good. No good 30-30. My favorite psalm is the wobbly chair. Yeah. Well, there's a quote from the post by Agent6401. Well, I wanted a nice from the post by Agent6401. Well, I wanted a nice shiny coffee bar counter top. So I cut and sanded and stained it all nice and applied a coat of epoxy resin Thursday night.

One of the hapless man's post reads, quote, it's supposed to set hard in 24 hours. That's what she said. set hard in 24 hours. That's what she said. So tonight, after having a shower, I came to check on it and I wrapped my fingers on it and it sounded like hard plastic. So I thought it was set.

That's what she said. I was curing it in the living room because it's the least dusty place. Sounds to me like you have a larger issue within your home. Right. Where do you live? In the bush? For Christ's sake. Perth. Anyway, I just happened to sit down on it. Put clothes on. Don't start doing

household things out of the shower. Naked. He sat on it naked. Have you guys ever found yourself being like doing the dishes and you're like, I still need to put on pants? Yeah. No. Never. Can I say that? Wait, wait. Can I say that my 10-year-old son last night said to me, he's like, I want to take off.

Dad, don't say this on the podcast. No, yeah. And he'll be so mad. Please do not. I want to take off all my clothes and I want to sleep in nothing. And I was like, I don't think you should do that. I don't think you want to become that kind of man. Yeah, because I was like, if that becomes.

In my mind, I'm like, I don't want to restrict you from being free. But my excuse was, what if the house catches on fire and you need to get out quickly way to go to the worst case scenario you want to run out do you want to run outside with no clothes on and he was like what if a man from perth finishes a coffee counter and you have to sit on it you need pants on i can tell you this my cousin kenny doherty fireman has told me that about 20 30 years ago ago or so, you would have anywhere from like three minutes, four minutes to get out of your house if it was engulfed when you woke up.

Enough time to get underwear. With now. With the way houses are built and the materials they use. And the type of things we buy and fill our houses in. You have one minute. You have about 45 seconds. To get out of a house when he's got to sleep in his underwear. Thanks, Dan, for confirming.

Thanks, Dan. Boom. There you go. My child. Also, don't sit on something that's got a pod. I asked Kenny, too. I go, do people really not have time to get out of a house when he's got to sleep in his underwear. Thanks, Dan, for confirming what I told my child. Also, don't sit on something that's got a podge. I asked Kenny, too. I go, do people really not have time to get dressed? He's like, nope.

No. Also, you're going to serve people on that bar that you just made. Put your ass on. Thank you. Are you that territorial? Yeah. You already own it. It is your territory.

He's marking it. He's marking it. And all he did, remember, his checking was, it sat for 24 hours, and I tapped it a little. Tapped it a little. Yeah. Wrapped my fingers. Dan, he did his due diligence. Uh-huh.

Anyway, I just happened to sit down on it while I was reading the instructions that came with the epoxy. Nope. Read them ahead of time. So you're admitting you need to learn more about how this works. Read them ahead of time. While sitting your ass on it. Just some light reading. This is his epoxy lips.

Wondering if he should give it another coat, which is why he was reading the instructions. When I was done reading the instructions, I went to stand up and couldn't. Nope. That had to have been a great moment. I'm going to show you guys this photo. This wouldn't even be in an episode of Home Improvement. Right. This is so dumb.

It is the epitome of dumb. This is a picture of him sitting on the bar watching TV with pickles next to him and his naked thigh. And I'm sure the pickles couldn't come up either. So everything's nailed down. I think he's watching Battlestar Galactica. Is he watching Battlestar Galactica? I can't tell you. It looks like Edward James Olmos right now.

It doesn't? Yeah. It almost looks like it. Okay, you two. At Sklar Brothers. For all your two-way minutes. Wow, Daniel, you really let these guys wear you down. He's had enough.

I can't endorse them more. I can't endorse Jonah Radio more than I endorse him. I can't endorse them more. Wait, I can't endorse Jota Radio more than I endorse... So I'm kind of sitting here with a slab of... I can't do it. With a slab of Jara attached to my butt cheeks watching Battlestar Galactica... There you go. ...and waiting for the non-emergency DFES number to return my call.

I guess that's how they work. There's so many bad shit going on in Australia. They're like, we got to call you back. We'll call you back. We'll hold your place in line unless someone with worse shit calls. Is a spider hanging from your balls? Then you got to wait. Then we're good.

The Post attracted more than 300 comments with Redditors advising the man called 000 or a friend. I would venture if he wouldn't be in this position if he had friends. If he had a friend, they'd be like, hey, don't sit on that. That was the hope for making the bar. That's right. How about this? This will bring people over here.

Now I'm going to do something that's going to stop it. Every person from Australia I've ever met is so gregarious and nice. What I'm about to say could only happen on a Reddit thread that's either Australia or Canada. One woman went so far as to offer to drive over and help the man himself

because she wasn't busy and quote, the husband is sleeping. She also wanted to see a d maybe oh yeah little sticky d but it was a throwaway line that provided the inspiration for his eventual escape what a pickle

omg yes the man replied at sklar brothers one of the release agents Google mentioned was vinegar. That's the tiniest gherkin I've ever seen. I can't get to the ace tone. I thought the woman wanted to be his release agent. Maybe.

I can't get to the ace tone. Husbands asleep. Hey, when the husband's asleep, the gherkins won't keep. You know that story. Honey, where are you? Oh, you're not going to believe this. I'm where you thought I was.

I'm where you thought I was. I left you a note detailing. I went on Reddit. Just the usual. Went on Reddit. A naked guy got his ass stuck while watching Battlestar Galactica I drove over there to get him off

And I'm here to free that ass Come on She yells at him She yells at the husband She should know She's mad that he can't figure that out You should know I went on Reddit.

I found it. How many times do I have to tell you this? He's like so perplexed. He was making a coffee bar. Jesus. Honey, I'm just, it's the middle of the night. Of course it is. This is why I want to talk to somebody.

When else would a guy sit on a coffee bar that he made unchecked? Well, you were asleep. Right. Yeah, it's the middle of the night. It's his fault. I can't get to the Ace Tone or the thinners in the garage. It won't fit through the doorway

because he wanted to see if he could carry the thing attached to his ass out into the garage. This is how much we know each other. All you had to say was, honey, where'd you go? Like, this is the best.

I'm like, this is the greatest funny you two you two have derailed i'm literally crying it is so funny to think of about her being mad at him and he's standing in the living room with his hands on his hips. Where? Start from the top. What do you want to know? She's annoyed. Oh, I guess you don't want me to help people. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay. So we're supposed to- An isolationist policy. Oh, so because I married you, I'm supposed to stay faithful to you. Okay. Yes. Oh, oh, all right. Oh, okay.

And if you- Oh, I'm the bad guy because I'm going over to someone else's house to pull a dick off of him. I'm the bad guy on a thing. But I someone else's house to pull a dick off a thing. But I know I have a jar of pickles in the cupboard I could get to because, remember, he can't get out to the garage while carrying this bar attached to his butt. Eat the pickles and use the vinegar to weaken the surly bonds of resin. This is now plan A. An hour later, the man posted an update saying that Gherkin's juice was working.

Before again updating his enthralled internet following with news, he had just realized he had a jigsaw within arm's reach, and he could have cut down the bar counter so he could exit the home and get the chemicals in the garage. Oh, I thought he was going to cut his ass off it. Oh, no. But if his ass is on it, his balls are on it. Yeah, everything's on it.

I was able to get the Ace Tone and the Terps and use these to accelerate the fantastic work my pickle juice has been championing. There's a picture of the bar. I guess he cut it up or he sat on one of the slabs. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, my God. Still watching Battlestar Galactica while I dissolve my assload of resin. Great band.

Hilarious. Assload of resin. Great band. Hilarious. Assload of resin is the silver chair of our time. And it's going great. You're going away too fat ass. Stop. Saturday morning, the man reported feeling, quote, a little tenderness, but not much pain. If anything, my butt feels thoroughly exfoliated. A little tenderness, but not much pain is my favorite.

We'll leave you on this. The man did not respond to attempts to contact him through Reddit. Why would he respond? Why would he respond? He got the help he needed. But he did put it out there in the world that this was happening to him. He hasn't responded to the husband of the

wife. I just want to corroborate the story. I want you to know that it's happened. Yeah. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. That's so Australia. That would not happen in New Zealand, and that's not a knock on Australia or northern

New Zealand. That is a very Australian thing. There you go. All right, there you go. Story number two in the books. Now, we've got Joe DeRay with us. Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in segment three? Oh, we've got a business with a bad name you give business a bad name we'll be right back with more dumb people

town jonah ray right after this stick around make us down for more dumb people town hey guys claw brothers dan van kirk we're back here on dumb people town we got jonah ray with us his podcast jonah radio i want you guys we've told you so many times already but we want you to Hey guys, Sklar Brothers. Daniel Van Kirk. We're back here on Dumb People Town. We got Jonah Ray with us. His podcast, Jonah Radio. I want you guys to listen to. We've told you so many times already. But we want you to listen to it. It is now going to be a part of Sklarboro Country, which is part of our podcast network. I just want a disclaimer.

If you checked it out, we've been doing it a long time. Yes. If you checked it out before, it's better. It was real bad for a long time. We drank too much and we didn't. The episodes would be near, you know, you made it out before, it's better. It was real bad for a long time. We drank too much and we didn't, the episodes would be near, you know, you made it weird links. But we've tightened it and it's funnier than it's ever,

and it's better than it's ever been. If you are a fan of Jonah Ray from Mystery Science Theater 3000, he is the host of the new version of that show, which is just phenomenal. I love it. I took my daughter to see that live at the Ace Hotel, and she still talks about how much fun that was.

Him and Hampton and Baron Vaughn, just good people involved. He did that, and of course, Meltdown, the comedy show that was on Comedy Central, so good. You know Jonah. You love Jonah. Check this out. It is fantastic.

Oh, stop it. No, you know him, and you love him. We love him. We love him. You will love Jonah Radio. Go watch Cry Wilderness. No, you know him and you love him. We love him. We love you. You will love Jonah radio. Go watch cry wilderness. Yeah. Watch the cry wilderness. I've told you so many times. Oh God, dude. I want it when I just want to feel better. I put it like

episode two in season 11. There you go. There you gotta love it. So let's jump into this. We will really quickly. I have a friend of mine named Michael Philman whose son listens to the show all the time. They listen to it together. It's a family affair. His son gets mad if they don't listen to the show together.

If his dad doesn't wait for him. Can we guess the age of the father and son? 33. Both. Both. Interesting. He's quantum leaping into his father's life. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. He listens to it with all three of them listen to it, right? What's that? All three of them listened. It's Mike Philiman. The father, the son, and the Holy Ghost. There it is. And his son, Parker Reichart. Thanks, dude. So, Parker, thanks, brother.

Thank you. Love that you were listening to this show. We're glad to have you in town. Oh, let's talk about bad business. And your dad is cooler than you think. Alright, you ready? Sent in by Michael Drum at Michael Drum. Salon sign causes stir i'm gonna show you i just want to show you the sign and then we can go wherever we want and this photo will be on the facebook and it will be on the facebook page if you are not a member of our facebook page you're

missing out on seeing all this great stuff it's great like an 80 year old 81 year old woman whose tits were out. That's right. Drinking a box of wine on a hospital bench. Son of Dan's friend who was in this show. Let's go. Let's check it out. Parker. Parker.

All right. Salon sign. Sandusky Register. That's Ohio probably. Oh, boy. Here we go. Ready? Hand jobs, nails, and spa.

Oh, boy. Yeah. There is no... That went through several hoops before it went up. It went to a sign place. Or just one owner who's an ass. No, no, no. A sign company was like...

Didn't call him back and was like, hey, let's make sure. Are you sure you want this? Hand jobs. Hand jobs in Sandusky, Ohio. But they're not wrong. It is a job done to a hand. A hundred percent.

Yeah. My job is working on hands. How many hand jobs did you do today? Stop it. Stop it. Perkins Township. I got news for you. When I finished with each of my hand jobs, every single one of my customers was happy.

No. So you're saying there was a happy ending to all of your hand jobs? Every single one of them. Sometimes being right is wrong, Dan. Perkins Township. A new nail salon sign is rubbing some people the wrong way. Stop it! At Journal Brothers. Yeah, at Sandusky Register.

Dawn Moons. Should have called it that. Dawn Moons. I gotta go over to Dawn Moons to get my nails done. Dawn Moons Nail Salon is scheduled to open. Here's what I'm doing today. I'm going to Dawn Moons. I'm going to Dawn Moons. Dude, you know I'm gonna believe it. It's Dawn Moons.

I'm going to Dawn Moons. N, you know I couldn't believe it. It's Don Moons. Don Moons. Gone to John Moons. Nail Salon is scheduled to open Monday at 220 West Perkins Avenue down the road from Universal Equipment and Rental. Why do they get a shout out? Jesus Christ. So ridiculous. Where is that place now? The guy who rents this, his brother-in-law owns that.

He can tie it. Mention it. Is it really down the road? It's not down the road. David, did you mention it? It's around the corner. Or it's like an advertising package. You get three half pages, and then you get a three by four that will run in six weeks of the paper.

Then we also work your business into three or four stories that we write up. It's like on Stella when David Wayne sees the poster on the wall, but he has to walk around the corner to see it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see his reaction like, oh, my God. And then he walks around a corner and sees a poster on the wall. but he has to walk around the corner to see it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you see his reaction like, oh, my God. And then he walks around a corner and sees a poster on the wall. There you go. That's what we're doing. So, and the name of the sign is, of course, Handjobs.

Handjobs. Recently, I was in Monaco, Wisconsin, and I was walking by a neon sign for a barbershop. And it was for, it had a little cursive of the name of the guy who runs the barbershop his name is uh uh kurt so it's kurt's barbershop uh it can get tricky uh kurt is uh is is spelled with k and so what it turned out to look like with the cursive barbershop barbershop yeah i can send this to you guys so you can put it on your face. Put it on the face of the page. We'll put that in the Hall of Fame.

Cunt's Barbershop is the hand jobs of hand jobs. Yeah, hand jobs. Dawn Moon's Nail Salon, like I said, right near Universal Equipment and Run. Is it right down the way from Universal Equipment and Run? Cunt's Barbershop is just a hole in the wall. I don't like to go there. I don't like to be there. What if he was a body waxing place?

Kurt's Body Waxing. Kurt's Body Waxing. But the name Handjobs Nail and Spa is already drawing attention. I wanted something that people would hear once and not forget. Well, there you go. You got it. You got it, Don. She seems to have accomplished her goal. Pictures of salon signs gaining attention on social media.

But the reaction to the name, which is a homophone with a sexual act, no shit, has been mixed. Wait, wait. So here's the deal. Robert Kraft has already signed up for three bizarre manicures. Oh, it's just a donut place in Sandusky, Ohio, where every donut is handed to you through a tiny hole in the wall, but you only get donut holes, and it's called Glory Holes. But where is it in conjunction to Universal Equipment? It's right down the street at two blocks over. I think they could be a little bit more diplomatic with what they named their business, Perkin Township trustee Jim Lang said.

Yeah. Lang was not cleared with this. No. He is very upset. No one ran it up the Lang flagpole. What would you name it that would still, like, just call it Nailed It? Nailed It. Nailed It's probably.

I've seen a Nailed It. Yeah, it has. Nailed It. Nailed It. You know who does the best? If Neil Mahoney owned a nail store, it would be called Nailed It. You know who does the best creativity with what they're selling and what the name of their place is? Thai restaurants.

Yeah. Thai restaurants are always like, tie me up. Tie me up. There's other ones. Win, lose, or tie. Yeah, that's another good one. You want the win, though. You don't want the lose.

Pho does it a lot, too. Yeah, 9021 Pho. Yeah. Pho does it. And I love. Yeah, 9021 Foe. Yeah. Foe does it. And I love them. I love them all. Moon wasn't surprised by the negative response

some have directed toward the name, but she said there's also been positive feedback. I absolutely knew there'd be people who wouldn't like it, Moon said.

Of course there are people who are just egging her on. So this wasn't just a mistake. She's actually, she knew what was up. The reactions have been either you hate it or you love it. It's about 50-50 both ways.

I bet it's not. By the way, it's 50-50 both ways would make it 25-25 and 25-25. 50-50 is all you needed to say. This is a person who also doesn't know when to stop. Right. You know what I mean? But also people just settle for the salon, right? Yeah.

100%. Where's the nearest nail salon? Right here. You can get a handjob over down the street. Oh. The sign was up for only one day before Moon and Perkins Township. That sounds like a great band, too. Moon and Perkins Township is like just straight.

It's a Creedence Clearwater Revival band called Moon and Clayton Township. They contacted her to tell her the sign violated the zoning law. The township said Moon didn't apply for a signed permit because you always ask for forgiveness, never ask for permission. That's right. And failure to obtain the permit is a violation of the zoning resolution. Always put up the sign

for the business you want, not the business you actually have. Megan Sherlund, the township zoning inspector, said Moon picked up the permit for the sign Thursday. Once it's turned in, it'll be reviewed. Megan Sherlund, the township zoning inspector, said Moon picked up the permit for the sign Thursday. Once it's turned in, it will be reviewed. Megan Sherlund has a leather computer bag whose zipper is broken. Perfect.

Perfect. And she loves... Fix it, Megan. Your stuff is flying everywhere. She loves a good charm in her wine glass. in her wine glass. Megan Sherlund has never walked more than 3,000 steps

in a day. Megan Sherlund is constantly growing out her bangs. Megan Sherlund only walks on the outsides of her shoes.

Megan Sherlund is afraid of balloons popping. Megan Sherlund is afraid of balloons popping. Megan Sherlund is constantly leaving now. Megan Sherlund will be there for three minutes. If you don't walk out of the building in that time, she's driving.

She gave you a chance. She told you three times. She is the building inspector. Megan Sherlund has told you three times. So she's the last person. Megan Sherlund wants the same thing she had here last time and she needs you to remember what it was. I'm not going to tell you again. Megan Shalund wants the same thing she had here last time, and she needs you to remember what it was. I'm not going to tell you again. Megan Shalund is the worst possible person to be sitting in judgment of this handjob sign.

Megan Shalund wants to get there before the kitchen closes. That's right. Okay. Megan Shalund gets seated four times before she's comfortable at a table. Can I try that one? Megan Shalund's family waits in the front area before Megan Chalund is ready with the table. Megan Chalund will not use her name when at a beeper-style

restaurant she uses the Joneses. And her whole family knows. Jones Party Affordable. And the Chalund family is like, that's us. Let's go. Megan Chalund finishes every sentence with, that's how they get you. She picked up the permit Megan Shillen sucks

I'm sorry You're in it I couldn't hop in I was never good at double dutch Neither was Megan Shillen Never has been good at double dutch Although Megan Shillen Great at triple dutch

Once it's turned in The sign will be reviewed Until then The zoning department Doesn't have a stance on the sign's content. This is perfect. If she had not put up the sign and got the zoning... Look, if it were me...

They wouldn't let her. But now they can't take it down until they review her permit. If it were me... It's so out of my hands. It's out of my hands. I got to let them review it. Megan, sure. We have not seen the permit for the sign, so we cannot review its content.

Look at it, Megan. There's only one line in the zoning resolution that restricts indecent phrases on signs, but what we consider indecent is vague. Regardless of other meanings, Moon contends the name is an accurate reflection of her job. Jonah up the gate.

As nail techs, we work on hands all day, Dawn Moon said. My job is someone else's hands. That's what I do. Hand jobs. So go on down. If any townies can go to Hand Jobs Nail and Spa, take a picture of Megan

Sherlund and Don Moon. And her rickety computer bag. What's the name of the county? Perkins Township. Perkins Township. Go check it out. We want pictures right there. There you go. All right. 220 West Perkins Avenue. Right near Universal Equipment and Rental. How close to Universal Equipment?

Which way? Say I'm looking north at the park across the street from Universal. Okay, good. Now I know what you're talking about because I didn't know until you said that. There we go. That's the show. I don't know if I've laughed that hard in months. It's fun.

It always gets silly when Jonah Ray is around here. Thank you so much, Jonah. Again, Jonah show. I don't know if I've laughed that hard in months. It always gets silly when Jonah Ray is around here. Thank you so much, Jonah. Again, Jonah Radio. Subscribe right now. Check it out. Very happy to be a part of the Sklar Network. Sklar Broke Country, welcome. I can't say anymore. I literally can't endorse it anymore. I've tried

as hard as I can. But you'll be joining the likes of people like Jen Kirkman and Mary Lynn Rice Cub and Trey Crowder and the Well Rednecks and Alex Edelman and Jay Larson

and us so it will be really fun and I'm glad and we'll be adding shows over time as well this will be our third network that's right I love it

just like the Sex Pistols did the great rock and roll swindle this is it and all of us except that we haven't we've lost money every single time. Well, that changes now.

That changes right now. When all these dumb people town fans. Okay, brah. All right. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. calm your downies, dumb people town