Dumb People Town - Josh Adam Meyers - Shit's Gonna Get Damp

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Josh Adam Meyers (Goddamn Comedy Jam, F is for Family) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a drunk driver is arrested while covered in dog poop.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And jerk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town! Population new population jam, as in Josh Adam Myers. Yay! Josh Adam Myers, dude,

you're one of our favorite people in the world. We just hung out. Speaking for you and Randy. Oh, yeah. Dan's here. Dan does not like him. Dan does not like him at all.

Me and DVK have a rivalry, man. We have a rivalry. Let's set it on not at all. Josh Adam Myers, we just hung out at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival and did the goddamn Comedy Jam, the show that you so gloriously put on where comedians come up, tell stories,

and then tell a story related to a song and then perform with your amazing band. Thank you. Thank God for you. It is not karaoke. It is rock and roll. I love that you said it's glorious the way that I jump into the crowd and grab a dude's head and start skull humping it by the way as I sing journey lyrics

well first of all your voice can only be described as the human manifestation of a vape but you've been holding on to that I just love it man the rasp in your voice is like people it's so good that it's on the beginning of our comedy album,

Sklars and Stripes, the tour takes. Yes, you introduced us in Tulsa, and your introduction of us is at the very beginning of the album. We did an amalgam of all the people who introduced us, and yours stood out because it's like, Let us again, let us, let us, let us. On Saturday, Saturday. You guys come out.

It's all rock and roll intro. Then you guys are like, all right. So we went to the Woody Museum. That was weird. We just, you're just one of my favorite people. I love you guys. So we had to get you in here for this. Yeah, do a mini.

Just because I also feel like as a guy who's toured around with the show in bands, just in life you've seen this country in ways that most people don't. You've interacted and interfaced with people. This world is getting dumber. Let's just be honest. Or dumber's getting louder or dumber and smart is fighting and dumb's just

beating the shit out of it. And so the only way to fight back is comedy. The only way we can do it is the way we're trying to do it, which is that we get stories sent in from our awesome fans. Dan breaks them down. We have not seen them.

You haven't seen them. Let's jump into a story. Let's do it. Ready? D-V-K. Hit me. I will. Get your front legs ready,

Josh. Let me just hit my Fruit Loops cereal milk vape real quick. There you go. Set the mood in here. Wait, I'm still exhaling. The guy that does it to prove a point.

Before he answers you. Before he answers you, just a long exhale. It wouldn't surprise me if Josh Sattermeyers took a puff on a vape and then closed his nose and his mouth and the smoke came out of his ears. Oh, he could do it. I would love that. Just a drag. That's your closer.

At the next jam, I'll be doing that. This was sent in by Kevin L. Jones at KevJones30. Thank you. Sorry the other 29 were taken. Yep, out of there. Parkland, Washington. I love it. We're in the state of Pacific Northwest, so it's going to be damp.

Right. It's going to be damp. It's going to be damp. I'm going to read this. Shit's going to get damp. I'm going to read this. Shit's going to get damp. I'm going to read this next line in sing-songy news speak. Let's hear it. I love when you do this, Dan.

And because it's dumb people town, I want you to tell me what you think this means. Okay. Ready? Talk about having a crappy night. Someone shit their pants. That's immediately what I go to. Someone went to a Del Taco and there was literally shit in a taco. You guys can say pass, but has anybody in this room shit their pants?

Yes. Oh, my God. Of course. Why do you think I was 10 minutes late? Come on, guys. I don't mind shitting pants on the tail of a bigger deer. I need a moist towel A moist towel

Do you guys try to sing it different when you do a duet? Because Better's voice does sound so different I sounded like I had marbles in my mouth I gotta say this, D, check this out They've progressively gotten better with their song choice This is the song

They've done the show like four times now the first time the goddamn comedy jam so they're supposed to do stand up then tell a story and then sing a cover song

the first time they did The Smiths and it went great The Boy with the Thorn I just heard that song the other day and reminisced beautifully about it

but then they came up to me and were like alright we gotta do it again we know how this works and then the next time they did Moon Age Daydream by Bowie. It's a slow moving song,

but we had a period of time where we were chanting. That was Moon Tower. We were chanting Bowie died of space AIDS. And they've done this. They've done this. And they both keep saying,

they're like, God, we just can't sing. It's us, you know, we're just, we're trying our best. We're having fun and blah, blah, blah. And they've gotten better

and better. Then they did Cake. Cake. The distance. N, we're just, we're trying our best. We're having fun and blah, blah, blah. And if they've gotten better and better than they did cake, the distance nailed it, knocked it out of the park. Kind of perfect. Yeah. And then for this one, they were like,

we're doing this six months ago. Y'all told me that you wanted to do this. And they said, and then they, and then we get there and I'm like, all right. I mean, I wonder if they're both going to be fighting over the Eddie Vedder,

you know, portion of it. No, Randy was came in strong and he said, I'm going to do Chris Cornell. I'm going to do Chris Cornell. And what we said before it is that Chris Cornell, when he found out that we were going to be covering their song, he committed suicide. And it was so much. But it was really, oh, come on, man.

But you guys nailed it. And the fact that you both fought over Chris Cornell. It shows how far we've come. Oh, my God. You're a proud musical parent. Those are my boys up there. Let's get back to the crappy night. Talk about having a crappy night.

A man was not only busted for drunken driving, but also found himself covered in dog poop while trying to hide from police. By the way, covered in dog poop. I imagine, I understand it's stepping in it and getting it all over your shoes. Right. Covered in it. That's a sexual. Here's what I think. I think the guy was hiding and he went to a heavily dog dropping area and he rolled.

I don't think he just saw dog shit and was like, let me smear this all over my body. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator. On one cheek. On the other cheek. I was once at a party, a graduation party in high school. We were out on a farm, as you do in Rochelle, Illinois, and the cops came. But the thing about having a farm party is you can see the cops coming three miles away. Oh, yeah.

Oh, of course. And so everybody ran out into the fields there was no like nothing had grown yet it was the end of spring beginning of summer and there's four of us laying out there and a girl that i went to high school with we're all just like watching the house when the cops pull up and i look over and she's taking off everything except her bra and underwear and i I go, what are you doing? She goes, if you don't have clothes on, they can't see you. And I'm like, 18-year-old me was like, I love your idea.

I love your ingenuity. You still have your bra on. We're both 18. Go for it. Yeah. Okay. So covered in dog. The way in which this story unfolds and what we infer happened between the facts is going to be beautiful.

The ordeal began just after 11 p.m. Saturday when a man called 911 to report. That was his name? Yeah. A man called 911. Yes. He was an emergency baby. His name was 911. He was an emergency baby.

His name was 911. Called 911 to report a car was running red lights, driving erratically, and nearly hit several cars near the Brookdale area. You guys, not in Brookdale. Near the Brookdale area. No, he knew to stay out of Brookdale. He knew to keep it at. You don't put that shit in Brookdale. Keep that crazy shit out of Brookdale. Running red lights, driving erratically, which also to me means the person who called in was following him. Yeah.

Because that's a lot of him doing stuff. Also running red lights because if you're keeping up and the light's red for the guy in front of you, the light's red for you too. Yes. You're not following things. One of my favorite things in news reports, about eight minutes later. Which is usually the amount of time that it takes. Also, that's an exact amount

of time. About ten minutes later is what I would say. Sure, but about 8? Very specific. About 8 and a half minutes later. So 7 minutes and 22 seconds later. Approximately. We smelled shit. Although I guess they probably would know if two calls came in at 9-1-1 if it was 7 minutes and 46 seconds later.

Fine. But why not just say that? Just round up. That'd be cooler. Round it up. About 8 minutes later, a woman called 9, she's also named 911, to report someone had driven through their gate onto their 20-acre field on 52nd Avenue East. Well, now she's just bragging.

Like, you need to say it's a 20-acre field. Just say into our field. Into our gate, onto our property. I don't plan. I have 20 acres. How many acres do you have? I bet I have more than 19 acres than you do. That's fine, ma'am. That's not the information we need.

I have land! We just put a pond in. That's why I don't... Great. Great. We grow our own tomatoes. Great. Just tell me where he is. She said that he drove through their gate and onto their 20-acre field on 52nd Avenue East and that her husband used their-

I have a husband. Used their tractor- We have a tractor. To block the car in. Which means, okay, it's 11 o'clock at night on a farm. This is some footloose shit going down. And there's a guy being like, I'm going to get my goddamn tractor and block this guy. Here we go.

Because there's no way he's driving around the tractor. Oh, no. You're not harvesting right now. Maybe at 11 o'clock at night. If you're harvesting, you can be out that late. Was it daylight savings time or what? No, it was 11 o'clock. When you're the Aurora Borealis, this is Washington.

It's Saturday. It's north. The driver had run from the car, but by the time deputies arrived, the driver was back inside the front seat, passed out, and covered in poop. The deputy described the scene in his police report. Quote, as I approached the vehicle, I immediately smelled a very strong odor of feces, strong enough to overwhelm any other smell. What would be? What's another smell? here's the deal

It's everybody's weakness It was that new poop smell too I just can't imagine The guy up in Washington Being like Wait this guy on our property Get in the tractor Let me put my mixtape in

And then it just It's like Alice in Chains Man in the Box Good driver How did he get poop on him? Just remember where to direct these tweets, people. You knew this was going to be a musical. Strong enough to overwhelm any other smell.

I saw that there were feces smeared along the driver's side and on the driver's door handle. When I contacted the driver, I noticed that he had feces all over his hands and clothing. I don't understand how that happened. Here's what I think. He was going to go out drinking, he saw dog shit, and he was like, I'm going to put this on like a Native American

warrior. It was a brave part. It just got out of hand. Or he thought, if they're going to send police dogs after me, I'm going to hide my scent. I wonder if that would work. Yeah, but dogs smell other dogs do. Or maybe he thought, if I'm getting arrested tonight, I'm going to make these fuckers earn it. Yeah.

You have to get in with me. I like that. You have to get in with me. Yeah. This is what I love. This is the last quote from the police officer. You know how sometimes culprits get naked to be like, deal with this now. A hundred percent.

Greased up and naked. Put Chris Coe in. That's what this guy's doing. deal with this now. A hundred percent. Greased up and naked. Put Chris Goh in. That's what this guy's doing. Deal with this. They go like Eastern Promises. Just like, let's have a naked fight. Let's do this right now. Quote.

This is from the cop. I also noticed that the smell of the feces got stronger and I nearly vomited several times. So this is a police officer walking up to a car and being like, you have the right to. Sir. You have the right to. Sir. Put your hand... What?

What do you need? I don't smell anything. I need you to put your hand... You have the right for an attorney. He's like doubled over. He's doubled over and being like, no, stay in the car for a second. Take him in your car. Take him in your car.

No, I can't. I got my laundry back there. God damn it. Okay, but so you're a police officer and you're like. No, I can't. I got my laundry back there. God damn it. Okay, but so you're a police officer and you're like, fuck, I got to put this guy in the back of our car, which means we got to then clean the car. Like he has, this guy has really thought of a lot here. Right. You start asking people, what did he really do?

Do we need to arrest him? Right. How much paperwork are we going through? Can we let him off with a warning? Like if you walked up and he had put himself in the passenger seat of the car, you'd be like, I don't think he drove. Let's just leave him here. I would handcuff him to the tractor, go get a big giant hose.

And just hose him down. Oh, for sure. Hose him down. That's what I would do. You'd be like, get out of the car. We're going over to this tractor for a second. Let me handcuff you really quick. Yeah, this is how you're going to get free.

You either do that. I'm a lot. Or you just feed him to the pigs. One or the other. Problem goes away. Do we? Okay. The deputies managed to awake the driver who admitted to drinking a, quote, lot of multiple shots of tequila.

A lot of multiple shots of tequila? A lot of multiple shots of tequila? He didn't drink all the multiple shots. He just drank a lot. How many did you drink tonight? A lot of multiple shots of tequila. Someone says they've drank a lot. My favorite part. But he does not know why he's covered in poop.

How much did you drink? A lot. Why are you covered in poop? I don't know. He's so tired. I'm only giving you the answers I have. Who are you?

That's on an international basis. Officer, I'm glad you're here. Could you tell this old fucker to move his tractor so I can get out?

I've been arguing with this son of a bitch for 30 minutes. I took a nap. Hey, you get on a farm, you drive on 19 acres and the woman's in the back. It's 20!

20 acres! We have a dog! We have dogs who poop! The deputies, mindful of their suspect's rather stinky situation, decided not to do a field sobriety test. They were like, you know what? We think you're failed. We know you can't do the alphabet backwards.

Covered in shit is at least a.08. That's 100%. It's like a burned out teacher that doesn't believe in you on ACTs. It was like, just don't take the test. You're good. You know what? There's other things you'll find in life. We don't need another thing for you to fail.

Go buy a Jeep. All right. But he didn't know why he was covered in poop. So they're mindful. They skipped the field sobriety test, but called firefighters from Central Pierce Fire and Rescue. To bring the hose. To check on the man and put him in a protective hazmat type suit. They're going full stranger thing.

So how do we know that it's... Go ahead. No, I was going to say, do they wash him first? Or do they just, with the shit on him, they put the suit on him? It's probably a disposable suit. Definitely. Well, they only listed his clothes and hands. So maybe that was the only part of his flesh.

So they're like, strip out of this, get in this. Get in this. As that was happening. So now- Do we know it's dog shit or do we know it's- On a peaceful 20-acre farm in the middle of a Saturday night, we now have a tractor blocking a drunk guy in covered in poop in a barn. Cops there. Cops showed up.

Fire department's there with hazmat stuff, which is probably a special truck, right? Just to have the suits. Just to bring the suit over. Yes. As all that was happening, deputies talked to the homeowner, who said after the man crashed his car on their farm, he- The 20-acre farm. The 20-acre farm. the 20-acre farm owner, ran out.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, not he, the drunk driver. After he crashed his car on the farm, the drunk driver ran out, jumped over a fence, and tried to hide in a large container. Oh, the manure container. Well, turns out these homeowners are dog breeders, and that's where they kept their dog poop, said Detective Ed Troyer. Of the Pierce County Sheriff's Department.

I can't hate on this guy. Who knew that there was a giant container of dog poop? I mean, the only guy who would be happy would be Chuck Berry. Like, he'd be the only guy who'd be happy if he left. So, this is from, I imagine, Detective Ed Troyer. E.T. if you're nasty. Quote, so he jumped into it, covered himself completely in that crap before we were able to get him into custody. But before police arrived, the homeowner yelled to the driver that he better get back in his car or he would be in a world of shit. So just yelling at him.

He is in a world of shit. But just yelling at him. He's not in a world of shit. He is in a world of shit. But literally wrote, as if he wasn't already. That's written on this thing. By the way, our poop doc is available on iTunes, Amazon, and On Demand. It's called Poop Talk. Following the homeowner's commands, the driver climbed out of the shit container, went back to his car, gave the homeowner the keys to his car, then

passed out in the car until police arrived to wake him. Were the keys in the ignition? No, no. No, it gave them to the homeowner. The homeowner's like, get out of the poop container. Get in your car. And the whole time, imagine that conversation. Come on, man, let me go.

No. No. Movie director. How about a solid movie? No. No. Because then you'll back. I'm going to put more shit on me. I'm going to keep putting more shit on me. You'll about a solid movie? No. Because then you'll back. I'm going to put more shit on me.

I'm going to keep putting more shit on me. Then you'll be a shittier person. Don't do it. I'm covering my ears now. I can't hear you. Let's go. We're going back to the barn. Let's go.

We're going back. Get in your own car. Covered in shit? Yes. You know what? I'm just going to stay over here and play with these lasso options you're breeding. I'm drunk, man. Get in the car. I love Pomeranian. Get in the car. you're breeding. I'm drunk, man. Get in the car.

I love Pomeranian. Get in the car. You smell like one. You smell like one. Get in the car. Give me your keys, too. I want to be a dog. This is where I want to be, man.

Get in the car, sir. You want to go for a ride? You want to go for a ride? You want to go for a ride? Get in the car. Get in the car. Get in the car. Give me the keys.

There's a little bit more shit on my nipples. Give me the keys or you're going to wait here. I'm sure he told him to pass out too. Yeah, he was like, why don't you go to sleep, a-hole? Enjoy the 20 acres. That's how drunk he was. He didn't climb into that thing and immediately start throwing up.

Well, you've heard the term 40 acres and a mule. This is, of course, 20 acres and a dumbass. I'm going to give it to you. You're not going to give it to me? Give that one to me. Allow it. You're not going to give it to me? I'm going to give it to you. Give that one to me. Allow it.

Judges say we'll allow it. Allow it in the court. But guys, that's how drunk, the guy is covered in shit. A police officer is almost throwing up multiple times and he went to sleep. He went to sleep. A lot of multiple shots. We've all been that drunk before. I mean, maybe not where you shit yourself.

Or cover yourself in a bin of shit. And then take a nap in said shit in a barn on a beautiful 20-acre farm. You know, it's Washington State, man. Bestiality just became illegal like six months ago. Have you been to Spokane? I have not, no. It's a meth capital of the world. But it actually was kind of nice.

I think there's a lot of places that have that title. Danny Desert. I know, but you can't argue with those people who believe it. No, we are, man. Everything we own is Kirkland made. I just bought 25 Cokes. The dog shit's made from Kirkland. Yeah, they make it there.

Detective Ed Troyer said, now we've got an additional problem. Because obviously he needs to go to jail and nobody wants to take him in. That's right. That's when we called in some rookies. That's what I was going to say. That's what I was going to say. We're the rookies. He's bringing the rooks.

Come on. He broke his cherry. It was shit. There you go. Police Academy. That's the best story ever. We called in some rookies to come in and take care of that kind of business. Oh, man. And you know, they probably

weren't even on shift. They were like, wake them up. Wake them both up. So what do you do? To me, you take them to the firehouse and you just hose them down. Well, I think you put gloves on. You definitely put gloves on you. For sure, dude. Yeah. And you just keep everything away from your face. He seems pretty agreeable, though, so you could probably

be like, get out of this. Get out of this. I mean, you already listened to a person with no authority, a farm owner who was like, do this. Now, he did all that. You think for a cop, he'd be like, I don't know. All right, all right, man. No, I feel like maybe he might have a little thing against the cops because he feels like they're going to do something wrong. Right, right.

He kept telling the farmer how much he loved Farm Aid. Right, and the farmer was like, I wasn't in Farm Aid. I'm on your side, man. I'm on your side. No, man. You don't even do corn here. I bought every Dave Matthews album that's come out. That's not us.

The suspect was cleaned up. I am busted stuff. The suspect was cleaned up and eventually booked for investigation of driving under the influence. We're investigating it. I think we can pretty much guarantee that. I know. There's plenty of dash cam footage. We can't say with certainty.

Meanwhile, the deputy's patrol car, who had to take him in, was taken out of service for a, quote, major biohazard cleaning. Just detailing. Which he'll get charged for.

Oh, yeah. You have to pay for that when you screw up the cop car. All right, we're going to get out of here on this. They don't give his name. I say we call him Trev.

Trev. Yeah, it sounds like a Trev. Or Trav. Travis. Travis Trevor Richards. Yeah, Travis Trevor Richards. Yep. T.T. Dick, y'all.

Definitely a three-namer, yeah. Yeah, for sure. How old is Travis Trevor? T.T. Dick. Yeah. Is Travis Trevor. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age.

Guess the age. Do you want to go first? You want to go first, second, or third? You go first, Tig, or third? Where do you want to go? I'm going to say he's... Fuck. I know, there's a lot to...

Let me say 47. He was listening to one of his peers when that farmer was like, what the hell are you doing? I don't know. It's not my weekend with the kids, and here I am. Is that a shih tzu over there? You're the shih tzu now.

Come on. I'm going to say he's 22. Jason Sklar says 22 years old. Because he was ordered around by an old guy. Yeah. I think he's, I also think he is physically, he may look 47, but I think he's 29. 29. Physically, I think he still has the ability to climb into a tank.

Okay. We're 46, and I was watching the MLB last night, and I'm just watching all these players, like, dive and make catches, and I'm like, would I go diving around now? Would I just throw my body all over the place? I know. Probably not. I know.

That would hurt like shit. So I feel like, but I'm a rational person. So he may be 47, but I... But see, that's the thing. I've always wanted to see, I'll click side something, I promise. But I've always wanted to see a TV show. We've seen, like like Pros vs. Joes

and stuff like that. This is the show we're pitching. Johnny Knoxville. But I wanted to see a show where an average person does the most mundane things. Like just try and just connect with a pitch. Oh, yeah. Off a major league pitcher. Just dive for a ball

against a couple NBA players. Like just slide into second. That's kind of like what we were... Yeah, just the small... Ours is big league treatment, where we're trying to give regular people the full ESPN coverage. All right, mine was walk it off with Daniel Van Kern.

I love it. Walk it off. You'll be fine. Yeah, okay. He uses acute care. I'm going to tell you guys. Yes. Two of you, the difference is one year.

So between some of you guys, and I'm not going to tell you one, it came down and fell right in the middle of two of your guesses. Okay. And the difference of one of you getting it right was only one year. Okay. So someone's going to win. Because you can go over or under. It doesn't matter. But someone's going to win, but only by one year.

Travis, Trevor, Richards. So he is between 47, and you said 21? 22. 22. Or between the two of you. Well, I'm saying, but we know he's between that. He's in that range. You're right.

You're right. So we nailed the range. Yes. Get your answers in at home. Play along. For Guess the Agey, He is covered in shit and 25 years old. 22 gets it.

Oh, man. Congratulations. Thank you. It feels good. It feels good to me. That's why I'm horrible at gambling. Don't do it. I imagine the call that those rookies got. Get out of bed. We got something special for you guys. You said you wanted a hot case.

Yeah. Get in here. Steaming hot. Are you guys going to make me just direct traffic and set up the tape? No, no, no. You're going to get in on this one. Just the Ethan Hawke character, like kissing his wife and holding the baby before he goes. All right, honey, I'll see you later.

They're calling me in. It's another tough day, and the shift is okay. I got real police work to do. Oh, man. Well, hey, he had a crappy night, and that's the way we and the shift is okay. I got real police work to do. Oh, man. Well, hey, he had a crappy night and that's the way we do it. Oh, I know.

There you go. Josh Adam Myers, follow him on Instagram. Follow the goddamn Comedy Jam. Check it out if you're ever... Where can they see where you guys are touring? At Josh Adam Myers

on all social media. Just go there on every... Check it out and listen for his voice on Bill Burr's cartoon F is for Family. F is for Family. Dude, you play the crazy shit, like the DJ, the crazy shouting... DJ Howlin' Hank.

DJ Howlin' Hank. I'm also the voice of CeCe's Pizza in the Midwest. Yes! And the voice of the San Diego Zoo right now. Are you really? It's really creepy. You're the voice of the San Diego Zoo? For their Africa Rocks campaign.

Give us one little taste of Africa Rocks. On our way out. Here we go. Africa Rocks at the San Diego Zoo? For their Africa Rocks campaign. Give us one little taste of Africa Rocks. On our way out. There we go. Africa Rocks at the San Diego Zoo. Coca-Cola's a proud sponsor of San Diego Zoo. It's all a blubber bar.

By the way, Africa does rock. Josh Hanabata, you rock, and it's so nice to have you on the show. We'll have you back again. And oh shit,

we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around

Make a sound, calm your down, it's Dumb People Town It's a good show