Dumb People Town - Judah Friedlander - Pizza Battery

Episode Date: July 28, 2020

This week Judah Friedlander comes to town to hang out with Daniel, Jason and Randy. In story one, a couple is arrested after a fight involving a late night snack. In story two a man has a very good reason for speeding. In story three a woman reports a bad meal to 911. 

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Friedlander. Judah Friedlander, welcome to the show, brother. episode of dumb people town population you population freelander judah freelander welcome to the show brother uh great to see you guys this is really cool man um you know uh twins and non twins yep and uh new york and la coming together it's so amazing this is the thing i i i'm i don't love the pandemic at all for a million reasons but one of the things that we have such a strong connection to so many people in the New York comedy scene that we constantly lament, like, dude, get out to California so we can do this the way we were before this. Get out to California so we can do this show. Or hey, are we at a festival together where we can have you on the show? are we at a festival together where we can have you on the show? This has allowed us to connect in a way that I think is,

has made our show better. Don't you agree, Dan? Yeah. I mean, it's a whole different dimension that we were able to do before. I love it. I love it. And so again, Judah, we've, we've got back in touch cause we were both on the tournament of laughs, which was a blast to be able to do, but I was so happy that it just, you know what it did for the simple reason of it just got us texting each other again it just made me happy i'm like oh man you come to our show yeah let's do it the last time we had you on is right before or to promote your netflix special which was basically like a press conference at the comedy cellar it was it was so good do you

still get a lot of love for that thing it was so well done you know i think it's been getting it really seemed to not be getting much for a while but i think maybe just the past few months it's been getting stuff because you know on that is you know it's called america is the greatest country in the united states which is the hilarious so and when it came out most people didn't even get the joke in the title yeah whenever they would say it they would they would flub it and be like say uh you know they just they just wouldn't get it right and uh and now it's it seems like more people are getting it you know yeah um so i i don't know i think may i don't know for whatever reason but it seems like maybe a let's have a little bit of an increase

in people watching it. I also think people are like through all of their stuff. They've sort of watched through everything because people are not going out. They're looking for new things that they may have missed. So to our listeners who are listening to this show, if you haven't seen America is the Greatest Country in the United States, go watch that after this.

And then there's, Judah's doing a live Zoom show this Thursday. We'll talk about that at the top of segment two. But we have dumb stuff to get to immediately. All right? There's dumb things happening in the world. Thank God the pandemic hasn't stopped the tidal waves of dumb. The pandemic hasn't stopped dumb. No, not at all.

We're even getting dumber in these days, Judah. That's what's great about America. Some people think we've peaked. Yeah. We just keep climbing. Yeah people think we've peaked. Yeah. We just keep climbing. Yeah, we did. We're number one. We're number one in dumb.

We're number one at not knowing when the bit is over. We'll keep going with the bit. We tell you, it's just getting started. It's just getting started. Exactly. If you think you're at the top of the mountain, it's just clouds. Keep going up. Keep going up.

We get our stories sent to us by our awesome fans. And let's jump into one right now. Are you ready? Sent in by Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty. She's great. I love it. Love her. This happened in late June.

There has been... This is the first line that you know you have a problem where you live. There's been another pizza battery, Florida cops report. Pizza battery? Yeah. Someone got... Beaten with a pizza? They got assaulted with a pizza. But that's the fact that... I thought it was a battery. Another pizza battery, Florida cops report. Pizza battery? Yeah, someone got like- Beaten with a pizza. They got assaulted with a pizza.

But that's the fact that- I thought it was a battery. Someone put batteries in a pizza and someone bit into it and like is now sick. But remember that, Judah, when we were kids, there was a Halloween warning by everybody's parents. Don't eat into an apple because people are putting razor blades in apples. Of course. Yeah, no, that was... I mean, my recollection as being a kid is that that wasn't even considered a rumor. That was like, do not eat an apple on Halloween.

Someone on your streets doing this. If someone gives you an unpackaged item it has been doctored which which as a kid you're like okay so avoid healthy things i think i can do that we can handle that exactly yeah i mean giving out fruit on halloween was considered evil anyways yeah and then so like to me the mentality was if if someone's giving you an apple one they're a terrible person sure on halloween sure and then you it would make sense that they would put a razor blade in there too because you already know they're a bad person for giving out fruit on halloween the people who

give out fruit on halloween also don't wear their shoes at the dentist's office you know what i mean this is like a it's a blanket all the way across right they feel too comfortable in the universe i don't like it also i feel like if you like if you were going to put a razor blade in an apple there's no payoff right you're not around when the kid bites it yeah most people that are into like violent crime want to see you know they want to see the anvil fall that is the type of person who bowls and then doesn't stay to watch what the just around before the ball hits the pins, just walks away. You are supposed to watch when you're bowling. That's right.

So if you're going to break that rule, it's too much hubris. I have a quick question. You mentioned not wearing shoes to the dentist. Is that a phrase you made up? No, I'm just... He makes it up. I made it up. I mean, it's not...

That's a great phrase. I mean, you said that with such confidence. I'm actually thinking, okay, I'm dumb. I don't know. No. I haven't heard this phrase. She's the type of gal who wouldn't wear shoes to a dentist. Yeah, I mean, it's like... It's a great line's great it's a great line it's the way she says i just

love in the story that they're taught you know they're like well so and so's in trouble again and like we would all know who we're talking about what they do this starts out with there's another pizza battery got another one hey florida you know as it happens here here we go someone got pistol whipped with a slice also if you did tell me that Pizza Hut released a new pizza battery, that it was a battery and a pizza, I'd be like, of course. So you put your phone right on the pizza and it charges it up. No, you put the black. You attach the black clamp to the crust and the red clamp to a pepperoni.

And you can jumpstart your car. According to police, an evening of verbal altercations, which is the nicest way to say screaming at each other. That's right. A screaming fight. Culminated early Thursday in a physical confrontation that left a 37-year-old man with a minor burn on his hand and his ex-girlfriend in handcuffs.

Were they girlfriend and boyfriend until that happened? Depends on who you asked, probably. My girlfriend did the X. She's in cuffs and she's like, X. X good. A relationship can't survive a pizza battery. Am I right, Judah? You know, if the pizza's really good, I think it can.

How good is the pizza? Do you guys have... Well, we'll dig into that. Okay. I want to know what Judah's favorite... Judah, what's your into that. Okay. I want to know what Judah's favorite... Judah, what is... What's your favorite New York pizza? I want to know what everybody's favorite frozen pizza is.

Okay, well... Mine's Tombstone. It's not even close. Mine is a Trader Joe's truffle... It's more of a flatbread. Jesus. That is good. That is very good.

Thank you, Judah. I know which one you mean. That's very good. DiGiorno makes a good one, too, but go ahead. But what's your New York... Do you have a go-to place that you're like... Or is it right around from the cellar? Where is your...

I'll be honest with you. This is a little bit of a sad, long story. Let's get into it. I'll try to make it short. Do whatever. Over the years, New York pizza in general has gotten worse. Really? I buy that.

Back in the 80s, 90s. Back then, if you were standing on the corner, the corner you're on had a pizza spot. Across the street had a pizza spot. That's right. And then there was another pizza spot. That's right. And there was usually always one that was at least good and dependable. There might even have been one that's great.

Right. And then there was one that was like, eh, it's okay. Maybe the other one's like, okay. Now, it's hard to even name five pizza spots. Really? Really. Yeah. And it's hard to actually recommend, okay, where's a really good place to go? Because what happened in New York about 10, 15 years ago, they started opening up these dollar pizza places. Oh, yeah. It's a dollar a slice, which is a great deal, but it's not really great quality pizza. Right, right. And so many, as New York's gotten more gentrified, it's filled with so many young people who are from the suburbs who don't really know what good pizza is.

So they're like, I'll get a dollar slice over here. Yeah. I'm drunk. Exactly. So to them, it's like, hey, this is great. But it's so – so those kind of forced out your regular pizza places that were selling it for, I don't know, $2 or $2.25 or $2.50 a slice. Right.

And then what has happened is these gourmet pizza places. High end. High end. Neapolitan style. Yeah. Which is amazing. Right. Neapolitan style pizza.

They're small. They're cooked at like a thousand degrees. Yeah. They cook in, I think, under 60 seconds, the whole pizza. Wow. And the ovens are usually imported from italy yep um those are incredible there's one called soto casa in brooklyn that is uh damn good there you go they also import they also import the sexual harassment from italy

so every woman gets they i hope not i really hope they import that in no it's like you don't want it but it comes with every side with every pizza oven three women get you want a slice of pizza you get a slice of life there's another one uh i gotta i gotta look this one up because i'm forgetting the name they serve rome style pizza which is rome generally i mean even in rome they say their pizza is not as good as uh the neapolitan style but it's um it's squares so they serve squares uh-huh and it's um all again i think they've imported flour gourmet uh you know what are you talking like six and a half a slice phenomenal is it like what six to eight bucks a slice? Phenomenal. Is it like what? Six to eight bucks a slice? Probably.

No, it's not that much. But it's incredible. You're making me want it. I'm going to look it up. You look it up and we'll continue on with this and you look that up. All right. Here's what happened and who was involved. As detailed in a court filing, Becky Bartlett.

Yeah. She knows how to throw a punch. No way Becky Bartlett even Yeah. She knows how to throw a punch. No way Becky Bartlett even got her GED. Becky Bartlett was born in jean shorts. That's right. Becky Bartlett has a water show in the Wisconsin Dells. Got her dad Tommy started. Becky Bartlett has a knee that needs to be operated on, but will never.

Becky Bartlett yells, if you just listen a lot that really should be uh like a newspaper comic strip becky bartlett it's like right next to family circuit it's the handicap of white trash women right she's like kathy but instead of arg she's like fuckers yeah yeah that becky bartlett is on more than one occasion said, no, no, no. What I'm saying is that all lives do matter. You're like, shut up, Becky. Jesus Christ. Becky Bartlett drinks on the way to checking out at the store.

I'm going to pay for it anyway. As detailed a court filing, Becky Bartlett and Robert Ybarra, Bobby Y, had been arguing, and this is in quotes, throughout the night. I would say throughout the relationship. Right. That argument didn't start that night. No. That is a continuation of your argument.

This is a Christmas argument in June. Yep. They had been arguing, quote, throughout the night when Robert Ybarra decided to leave the St. Petersburg residence for several hours, quote, to help defuse the situation.

Dude, I give this guy credit. I do too. Instead of getting into a fight or anything, and we've all been in a fight. He went to the strip club just to defuse the situation. He went to go hang with his mistress. What is wrong with this guy? He went on a clenched fist walk. mistress what is wrong with this guy clenched fist walk you know um strip clubs really are um

you know people talk about you know they say yoga you know goes back centuries yeah um meditation um you gotta look at uh the relaxation of strip clubs and yeah and how long that's been in societies. Yeah, amen. Dim lighting, melodic music. Takes the pin out of the balloon a little bit. Takes the heat out of the situation. A little bit. Ybarra, who's described... It's like Buddhism. It is.

Strip clubs are like Buddhism plus capitalism. Buddhism plus two drinks. Well, like Buddhism, someone's got their shirt off. You know what I mean? Buddhism plus two drinks. Well, like Buddhism, someone's got their shirt off. You know what I mean? Ybarra, who's described as Bartlett's ex-girlfriend.

Now, that means that someone is saying he's not. The ex-boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend, yeah. Appears to share the home with her. Upon returning to the residence after 3 a.m that is a long time to defuse wow yeah yeah uh maybe he just wanted an excuse to be out that's right could be all right so he's been gone since nine it's 3 a.m he's back upon returning to the residence after 3 a.m robert ybarra began to quote cook himself a pizza which upset becky bartlett who was sleeping on the living room couch so she's like i don't

even want to be in the bed i want to hear up all right but why does she shouldn't she get the bed you know i mean maybe they first of all i think someone named becky bartlett has never had good pizza no never i thought you were gonna say i had good pizza. She's also never had a bed. Yeah. Although, in her defense, I'm going to say that some couches are really comfortable. Yeah, true. It's true. Some couches are bed-like. I would say this.

Becky Bartlett's crib was an air mattress. Becky Bartlett has slept standing up. And not known it. That's a skill that's learned. That is a learned. You learned. That is learned. You got to teach yourself how to do that. I think back when I lived in Chicago, there were a couple of times I fell asleep

standing up on the train. Where you just kind of doze a little bit. Like you get that nice little rock and you lean to the partition. You just lean into that. You lose your balance. Yeah. Harking back to your early day.

Now, you don't still drive around the city, but if you're doing spots around town, I mean. No, I got rid of the car uh several years ago because i uh i moved back to manhattan and you know i used to street park i had a car in new york and i remember it we rode in it with you yeah yeah that was when i had the minivan that was a lot of fun that was it was it like an aero star or something it was beautiful that was a dodge caravan. Dodge Caravan. The old kind. The kind that's shorter

than they make now. They still make a Dodge Caravan, but they're a lot longer now. This was like a mini, a real minivan. Yeah. It was the first minivan, I think.

It was amazing. And you had a tape player, eight track tape player. Yep. I love that thing. God bless. Not eight track. Yeah.

Just a regular old audio cassette tape. Regular tape player. I think we listened to some White Snake. It was pretty fun. Driving through Manhattan. I'm sure Becky Bartlett knows all the White Snake songs. Yep, she does. Becky Bartlett knows five White Snake songs.

Becky Bartlett knows one of the guys in White Snake. Becky Bartlett has broken into a claw machine. Becky Bartlett owns a White Snake. For sure. Or she calls her ex-boyfriend's penis a white snake uh-huh because she can't trust it okay so he keeps wanting her to suck the venom out it's dangerous robert ybarra gets back decides to cook himself what i can only hope is a tombstone pizza well it is what do you want on your epitaph it is his funeral yes

well becky bartlett tries to sleep on the couch, Becky Bartlett then allegedly walked over to the oven, extracted the pizza, and threw it at Robert Ybarra. Now, how hot is her hand? No, she went and got an oven mitt.

I love that you guys think they have an oven mitt in this house. She got a washcloth. She got a washcloth she got a washcloth lifted it up and just hooked it at his arm right and it landed on his hand yep the pizza struck yabara's hand causing a minor burn cops report when officers responded to the home they noted that robert yabara quote suffered visible injury and had food on his pant leg consistent with the statements. Yeah. He's like, I'm not changing.

We'll see what the cops say. Tell the cops. Tell them. Tell them. Okay, cop, taste this sauce on my leg. Tell them. Tell them what you did. Whether you want it or not, pizza always leaves evidence.

It does. It always does. That's exhibit A. How many times did he walk around the apartment before the cops came and said, that's exhibit A? Right. And they're like, sir, you're not part of this case. I'm a victim of it. That's your only role.

You're not solving. Let me dust for Prince. That's exhibit A. Becky Bartlett was arrested for domestic battery and misdemeanor and booked into the county jail. She was released from custody Tuesday afternoon of her own recognizance. A judge has ordered Bartlett to have no contact with Ybarra. That's going to be

tough because they live together. I think barred her from possessing firearms or ammunition. That's good and prohibit her from leaving the county without court permission. Ybarra also ended up in handcuffs after a computer check revealed that he was subject of a fugitive warrant issued in Colorado where he is charged with a 2016 felony of marijuana distribution, a.k.a. bullshit,

Robert Ybarra appears to have jumped a $50,000 bond in the Colorado case and is now being held without bond in Pinellas County Jail. So it's a happy ending for her too. So everybody, this is going to be easier to stay away from each other. Bow for fun before we move on to the next story and take a break. How old do you think Becky Bartlett is? Okay, Judah, knowing what you know. Becky Bartlett could be a very young woman's name.

I think it could also be a retiree's name. Yeah. She could be retired from a lot of things and be young. Yeah. I'm going to go with the guess of 24. 24 years old. I think Becky Bartlett has been smoking since she was eight. Okay.

I'm going to say Becky Bartlett is 33 years old. 33 years old. I don't know why this came to me. 39 jumped into my mind. 39 years old. That was the first thing I thought. 24, 33, 39. old i don't know why this came to me 39 jumped 39 that was the first thing i thought 24 33 39 one of you is only one year off okay which means would any of you like to adjust your

guess by one year up or down okay i do i'll go 38 okay 32 okay i'm gonna hold. All right. Becky Bartlett. Pizza throwing. Mad in the middle of the night. Had an argument. Trying to sleep on the couch. It's like when you're in college and you got to sleep on your friend's couch. And there's always that one roommate that's like, I think I'm going to cook things.

I'm going to play a video game. Please stop. Becky Bartlett is 32 years old oh nice proper adjustment good adjustment and all that stuff all right bartlett guys if you're in a fight don't escalate it to the pizza level that's our first story down in the books uh when we come back i want to tell you a little bit about a live show that judah is doing in two days time uh and all the other where you can follow him because he's just one of our favorites this is dumb people town judah friedlander's with us don't go anywhere stick around make it sound for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show we got judah friedlander with us. This Thursday night, as in two nights from tonight,

he is doing a Zoom show, a 60-minute or plus. 60 plus. It's a headlining set of comedy. If you've never seen him do a headlining set, you want to see this. And if you're saying to yourself, man, I'm at home. I'm stuck. I want to do something. I will say this. The people that have come to see, and we've done live these Zoom shows,

they're really fun. The people that have come to see us have reported back to us that it was like the first time they felt like they did something. You're sitting in your house. You get to grab some wine, sit down, hang out, and watch a comedy show from the comfort. A live comedy show this Thursday night. So two days from now, 6 p.m. West Coast time, 9 p.m. Eastern time, judafreelander.com. Yeah, for tickets.com yeah for tickets yeah and tickets like because you know we're in crazy time so it's donation based it's a minimum donation of

a dollar yeah so you can pay one dollar and watch the show or uh you can pay more i think our fans who are so good about that and understand the support of comedians who, who need it quite frankly, right now, look, Judah, Judah be on the road. We'd be on the road. Dan would be on the road.

Like these are, these are times where we can't do that. And I know our fans are really great. So if you want to see a great show, you know, pay what you think is fair, treat him fairly. And let's,

let's make Judah the money he needs right now to keep. And also give you a great night. It's so much fun to see a live comedy show is a blast especially if you're in a lot of parts of this country where comedy shows don't come through very often like this is a this is a windfall for a lot of people to be like wow i get to watch someone i love do stand-up and i haven't gotten that opportunity yet i mean we we get that all the time live ish people are like come on up to maine and you're like yeah i don't know i guess us and bob

marley can do a show together but like right we're not up there or for you like hey man come to boise and you're just like i don't know if i can make it up there no it's it's been great you know i've done i've done a few of these now where because i've been past few months i've been doing a fair amount of shows on zoom that other people have been producing but for the past couple weeks i've been producing my own yeah and in addition to doing others and uh and i've been experimenting around with the different times so i've even done some that are daytime for us so that uh more people from it'll be nighttime in europe in england yeah yeah and uh and yeah i did a show about a week ago where it was mostly international and not us dude so are you able to it's been really cool yeah and i know so much of your show what i love about watching you live is that there's a moment where you'll just open it

up to the audience and your ability to to just riff off them is so great do you open it up on zoom because you can see faces and stuff and they they ask you questions, and you improvise on them. Yeah, the show's interactive. So it's not a Zoom webinar where you cannot interact with the performers. I have it so that as an audience member, you can always hear and see me, and then you have the option to make yourself visible and heard so that i can see and hear you it's great so so yeah i invite the audience to ask me questions about my presidential platform and uh you know if a couple's watching the show sitting on their couch i can see them i can ask them questions about the painting on the wall behind them it's great and uh

oh it's it's a lot of fun it really it works what i love about it is it's never the same thing twice for you and for you it's and for people who've seen you before they're going to get to see a different show just by the very nature of who's out there yeah yeah jay and i did our friend stewart goldsmith who's a great comic in england he does this chat show called the infinite sofa and we did it we was like one o'clock our 1 30 our time and it was like 9 30 england you know in london and it was so much fun and we were interacting with the there were 12 people who were like the vips who were visible and could talk and participating and whatnot one guy was like laying down we're like how comfortable is this guy

vaping the whole like are there women just off camera like just fanning you with giant leaves like what do you do it was great so i yeah the crowd work is it adds a different dynamic that's actually a lot of fun because you see people in their homes yeah and then and there are some people who are like you know making sure they're looking presentable or their place is looking presentable. And then there are other people, like you said, literally, they're smoking joints, they're laying down. It's hilarious. Well, it's so funny because in the world of Zoom and the way that's taken over, I feel like it happens so fast as the way to keep business going. It happens so fast as the way to keep business going.

But people don't realize that like, yeah, you bring your phone in to stay on the Zoom call while you go to the bathroom, but you're still on camera, dummy. Or like there's like a Brazilian- There's a Mexican- Excuse me, a Mexican- Senator who took her, she was changing her clothes, but wanted to stay on the call.

And it's like, we can see you, lady. We can see everything. And just people don't understand. So I love that aspect of it. This Thursday, 6 p.m. West Coast time, 9 p.m. Go to judafreelander.com. Yeah, 6 p.m. West. 9 p.m. Eastern.

It's an hour plus with Judah Freelander. All right, Judah, do you want to, should we jump into another story right here? Yeah, I'm always ready. Let's do it. Sent in by Kim Fritz at Kimberly Fritz. I love my fritzy we love we love her can't wait to see them again i know all right here we go i'm gonna read you

the headline because it's it's worth it uh man caught speeding was actually fighting deadly snake with knife in australia wow god what an excuse is this the plot for mad max like the crocodile dundee three or just a tuesday in australia right right uh have you been to australia it does make me want to go to australia have you ever been or no no i was supposed to go there several years ago and the promoter i believe messed up my work visa so the shows had to get canceled yeah i'm gonna go because my wife's brother lives down he's a profane he's the dean of a science department at a university in melbourne and he has a house down there we're gonna go oh yeah i would like to do a live dumb people town down in australia so if there are australian fans listening let's figure out how we can get there at some point i'd love to do it a dumb people town down in Australia. So if there are Australian fans listening,

let's figure out how we can get there at some point. I'd love to do it. That'd be a great goal. But our friend went down to Australia and he did research about it before he went down and took this trip. This is maybe like 20 years ago, like 18 years ago. And he said, here's what my research found. Lots of stuff can kill me down in Australia. So that is what I filed this story under.

Oh, yeah. Snake in the car. Did he even know? Is this his snake? Police hear plenty of wild excuses when they pull a person over for speeding, but one Australian man's real story, that's what they wrote,

that's what they wrote, might be a cut above the rest. The 27-year-old man. Cut above the rest is a pun, too. Because he's trying to fight it with a knife. Yeah. The 27-year-old man. Cut above the rest is a pun, too. Because he's trying to fight it with a knife. Yeah. The 27-year-old man, identified by police only as Jimmy, which

I love, too. Like in Australia, they're like, we don't care. You're alive. You know Jimmy. We don't need your knife. He says he used a knife and a seat belt to fight off a deadly brown snake that had coiled around his leg while he was driving a truck in Queensland, Australia. Could you imagine the feeling?

Just the fear. You're driving your... I think that's how you know the story's real. Yeah. Because if you were lying, you would never think, oh yeah, I had to use my seat belt to fight the snake. That's a great thing. That is a great detail to know he's not bullshitting.

Right. And that it's around his leg, not his neck. Right, but most people haven't fought snakes before, so you can imagine how quick things are and the chaos. Probably just grabbing the seatbelt,

I can see that being something that happened. It's messy. It's not... Unhooking the seatbelt with the belt itself, the metal part, and just trying to hit it. Yes, while you go for your knife. While you're also trying to drive a truck. Jesus. Imagine you're the other people on the road.

What's this asshole doing? Oh, he's drunk. That guy's drunk. This all happened on June 15th. Police pulled him over after clocking the vehicle going. How many miles an hour do you guys think this was going? How fast do you think it was going? 35.

35. Oh, it's speeding. So I'm going to say 110. 110. I think it was going about 81. Close. The answer is 76 miles per hour. It was close. I know. But it also doesn't say like in what? Like is that in a 35? then you're crazy

yeah by the way it's 76 in a 55 you can't get mad at this guy no I'd be more and I'm just more impressed yeah so I was together I drove up to uh Lake Tahoe and you drive you go up through the 395 this was a couple weeks ago and you drive you drive through these very small towns where the where the speed limit goes down to, it dips. Oh my God. It goes down to like 25 as you're passing by a school and 35. Meanwhile,

you've just been going like 79 miles an hour and to go all the way down. It's hard for people to go all the way down. But as you come out of the town, there's like, it goes up to 45. Then it goes up to, then it goes up to 60, then 70 and you're back up and you're going

so i was leaving this town that i had not i had not been to so we had like made a detour to to stop at this one place and then we moved on and i'd never been to this part of the town i've driven this thing before and i was like we got out of the town and i'm like okay we're starting to get back on the highway i can actually like pick it up and start going again. And I went up to like 77 miles an hour. And I saw a cop car coming this way. It was a two lane road kind of coming towards me. And he turned his lights on and spun around and went back. Because they gunned me going like 77 miles an hour.

And literally 300 yards away, it moved up to 70. And I was that. And I literally told the guys, like, it moved up to 70. And I was that. And I literally told the guys, like, I've never been here. I have my ID right out. I said, my family was in the car. Their kids were pissed. I was like, I'm so sorry. I have never been to this place.

And I thought this would be them. And they're like, there were three signs telling you what it was. I was like, I know. But usually when you get out of the town, it's like. I wish you'd have been like, nah. Actually, there wasn't. There wasn't three times show me but that is to give you a ticket yeah gave me a ticket but he lowered it down to going only 10 miles over the speed limit what a nice fella nice you know but still um okay well the queensland police say that after they let him go after they heard this incredible story and saw the dead snake that proved it yeah you got a dead snake to prove it or does this guy drive or does this guy drive around

with a dead snake in his car just so he can speed you know sometimes if you're if the cops are bastards in your area you know i don't condone it but i can understand you can understand it you got a dead snake in everyone's while queensland police released body cam footage of the roadside stop on Wednesday in a Facebook post that admitted the slimy passenger would make any driver hysterical. Stop it. It's not me. I hate it. Dan.

The video shows Jimmy telling police he's just killed a deadly brown snake that may have bit him on the leg. So he's also freaking out. Yes. But is a brown snake? Yes. Brown snakes are the leg. So he's also freaking out. But is a brown snake the yes, the brown snakes are the worst. They're bad. He says, quote, I think it has bitten me. It was in the car

with me. Jimmy tells the officer in the body camp footage, you can feel my heart mate. So now he's like asking, get in here, put your hand on my chest, see where I'm at. This is his version of trying to cry his way out. I'm going to show you guys if you run it up and show Judah. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Jimmy and it look.

I'm not saying he's making it up, but he looks like every guy who's got a story. Look at this guy. Oh, yeah. He just looks like, oh, you are not going to believe it.

Y'all. Yeah, I hear you. Australian redneck. Yeah, but he also looks like a guy who might have snakes in his car yes he does i mean 100 this guy he also he's got a just in case snake yeah i bet he's got snakes everywhere just be like honey i'm sorry i was late a snake almost bit we we already used

that excuse on me right um he says i think it's bitten me it's in the car with me he tells the officer you can feel my heart the snake or i'm sorry the officer is initially skeptical but jimmy points him to the bed of the truck where the dead snake is draped across some bags oh that one the officer says jesus police the other one police called paramedics and waited with jimmy until they arrived the frightened driver told police that the snake came into the trunk near his gear stick and started climbing up between his legs could you imagine oh my god and you're like what is on what is rolling around i got a feeling right there i got a water bottle jesus he's he started to wrap around me then its head just started striking the chair he says jimmy jimmy pulled over, killed the snake with his knife,

then tossed it in back. He took off again at a high speed for the nearest hospital, fearing he'd been bitten by the venomous serpent. Okay, so that was the speeding. That's why he's speeding. Paramedics determined that Jimmy was in shock, but had not been bitten at all. So he's hysterical.

Right. It's crazy. Yeah. He said it's hysterical. Right. It's crazy. Yeah. He said it's bloody terrifying. Jimmy told police, he added that he was relieved to be pulled over. I've never been so happy to see red and blue lights. So that's how probably also weird for cops

when they pull you over. They're like, thank God, guys, you're here. Thank God you're here. I've done a lot of illegal shit in my time, but I'm just so happy that finally, this isn't one of those times. You guys here for the snake? No, sir. No. Get back into your car. God, that is so crazy. Yeah. The eastern brown snake

is a highly venomous snake and one of the deadliest in the world, Queensland police wrote in a news release. They added that the snakes are protected under Queensland law, but this was a particularly unique situation. Self-defense,-defense bro right but you're not supposed to kill these snakes what do you do like if you he didn't have a choice so jimmy managed to avoid getting a ticket or a snake bite from the encounter and you know the cops probably waited so long they went back to their car and just sat there and waited and they're like we're not going to give you a ticket this you know what i mean they wait they're really looking at paperwork and looking back up and sweat it out yeah yeah um they said that uh he'll probably be peeking under his seat for snakes for

the rest of his life oh yeah yeah psychologically that ruins you forever but also it's australia you might you might want to start doing that pre pre-ake fight. This is what I said. So many things can kill you in Australia. Spiders. They're like spiders that eat birds. And you're like, Jesus, what is this place? Spider eats a bat. Koala gives you syphilis. Koalas can give you syphilis.

What? There was a point in time where like 93% of all koalas had chlamydia. Had chlamydia. Little sluts. Yeah. Yeah, and they spread it. All right right so don't have sex with a koala watch out under your seat and when you're in australia just be careful man yeah oh there's also one fun thing about this story sometimes judah in these stories they have like read more where they want you to click on another excellent favorite sure it's one sentence if they're good sometimes i include them here's this one read more dad loses arm wrestling match to son

triggering eight hour police standoff oh my god dan we might have to get into that one another time that's an incredible sentence i know eight hour police just even the first you could just stop at dad loses arm wrestling match to son that's when you're like oh this is an onion article right nope then triggering eight hour police how mad are you that your son has surpassed you that you get the cops you know what it's it's it would have been an onion article if it was dad loses thumb wrestling right that's a little fight with father Yeah. And you know what else, too? I can tell you just from that headline, guys. It wasn't one match.

No, it was a rematch. Come on. Let's do a left arm. Four or five times. Yeah. Left arm, right arm. Jeez, Louise. This is a modern day Oedipus.

If Oedipus was around back in the day, there'd be an eight-hour standoff. When's the last time any of the three of you arm wrestled somebody? No. I have no desire. Maybe high school? None. I can't even tell you a time when I did it. Judah? That's the difference. Sometimes people, when they're young, they don't understand

what being older is. When you're a kid, you're like, oh, arm wrestling, fun. The first thing I think of now when I hear arm wrestling is pain and injury and just permanent injury. Or maybe a broken table. And by the way, you have to be careful. You got to keep your ping pong. You're the world champion in ping pong.

You got to keep your ping pong hands strong. Right. It's true. Have you been able to play ping pong in the pandemic? Tell me about ping champion in ping pong. You got to keep your ping pong hands strong. Right. It's true. Have you been able to play ping pong in the pandemic? Tell me about ping pong in the pandemic. I haven't. Although a lot of the ping pong places have been closed. Sure.

But a fair amount have opened back up. Outdoor? Outdoor? They put a table outside? Well, there's outdoor pong is going on. Outdoor pong is going on. But a lot of indoor clubs now are open, but I don't really think that's safe.

I don't think it's safe either. If you come to LA, I got a ping pong table in my garage. We'll open the garage up. It's a playroom. Please, I want you to come and teach my son. I will come to your place one day, and we will play ping pong. That would be great.

At Moon Tower Comedy Festival, Jay and I host the ping pong slap down every year and the years that judah was there were just watching him work his magic demolish people and against the best the very best that austin had to offer because there's a ping pong club in austin yeah that's a pretty good one yeah people like play. It's almost like it's like when you see like the best street baller go up against a pro. And you're like, he might get them on for a few, but Judah's. Yeah, Judah, I wanted to ask you, have you guys all seen Searching for Bobby Fisher? Yeah.

Okay, do you remember the scene where the kid reaches out his hand to shake the other kid's hand? And he's like, what are you doing? He's like, you're lost. You just don't know it yet. Like how quickly into a game, Judah, do you know you've beaten somebody? Like is it after their first serve that you're like, oh, okay. That's it. Well, a couple things.

One, those tournaments were not bringing out the best players in Austin. Okay, fine. Because I went to their club there, their local like real club. They have some very good players. Okay, gotcha. So I haven't played like a real tournament, an official tournament in a while. But for an official tournament player, I'm average at best. But that does mean that in general, for someone who does not play official tournaments,

now I can always lose, but theoretically, I should be to to easily beat that person that's right they don't play uh official tournaments are you mean about it do you know he's so nice no no i mean like do you let them get a couple points or do you just end it quick you can it depends on what you want to do you know so uh it can go either way you know. But no, you can generally tell, you know, within about, you know, two seconds if something's good. I mean, but let's go to the stand-up comedy. If you're walking into a room, how long do you have to know? How long do you have to see somebody to know if they're – and I'm not talking – I mean, there's different levels. Sure.

Brilliant. But just like if this person is a competent professional yeah competent comic how long does it take 30 seconds one joke one joke sometimes just on before they've how they've taken the mic out how much they're sweating that's what i'm saying yeah like are they looking at any by the way same thing as ping pong you look across the table you're like how much does this guy sweat? All right, I know where he's at. Yeah, you can see how they're holding the paddle, what their posture is. Yeah, where they're positioned on the table.

Yeah, just literally seconds. Yeah, you got it. And I think the same with comedy. Sizing it up. You're right. But you're right, as soon as someone approaches the mic, even as they haven't even touched the mic yet, you can be like, all right, this person knows what they're doing.

Exactly. You're 100% right. I'm excited to see what's going to come out of this woman, this man's mouth, because of the way they stood up there. I agree. I agree, man. All right. We have one more story, Dan.

We do. We're going to take a break before we get there, but give us a little tease. Just a fun little abuse of 911 for a dumb reason. Great. I love it. Judah Freelander's with us. It's Dumb People Town. We got one more story. Stick around. Stick around. Make a sound. a 9-1-1 for a dumb reason great i love it judah freelander's with us it's dumb people town we got one more story stick around stick around make it sound there's more dumb people town

hey guys welcome back to the show uh we want to remind you guys uh this is happening and there probably aren't a lot of tickets no we're we're at least doing 300 tickets right now. We're doing our own virtual Live Dumb People Town with the Nowhere Comedy Club on August 15th. If you go to eventbrite.com and look up Live Dumb People Town. Like I said, when we're recording this on a Thursday before this thing drops on the Tuesday. We're already almost 300.

We're at about 300 tickets sold. So I think it's going to- There's less than 200 left and we have plenty of weeks so this isn't one of those promo deals if you want to be there at that show you're like me like to wait to the last minute don't do that this time because you won't get in you get shut out we want dumb people town people to be there and i think the way these sold and we have jim gaffigan's the guest so it's going to be great but the way this sold i really do believe that this is something we could do sort of every other month. I would hope so.

Well, you know, get your tickets on that, Eventbrite.com. And then also this Thursday night, go see Judah Friedlander, JudahFriedlander.com and check out. Judah World Champ, right? No, that's Twitter. It's JudahFriedlander.com. Judah World Champ is on Instagram and, right? And Twitter. Yeah, Instagram and Twitter, Judah World Champ.

Website, JudahF friedlander.com nice and so go check that out and get tickets for his show because you'll love it all right let's do this last here we go ready sent in by la asesina lover at la asesina mma she's holding it down out in new york thank god thank god she's protecting the city here we go you want the headline yes first let me read you the very first line. Okay. Meet Tracy McLeod. You know you're in for a treat when somebody's like, this is the ballad of Tracy McLeod. That's the journalistic way of saying,

let me tell you about this bitch. Right. There's the headline. Woman arrested for calling 911 to complain about Chinese food. Oh, boy. You could have taken the word food out of there. And I'm sure it's already sounding

very racist. That's right. It doesn't go there. I promise. Okay. The woman was arrested yesterday after, you know, because that's what we're all reading it the day after it happened after she dialed 911 to complain that the food she ordered at a Chinese restaurant was not up to her

standards. She's not even saying this is an emergency. She's just saying, you know Chinese restaurant was not up to her standards. She's not even saying this is an emergency. She's just saying, you know what's not up to my standards, 911? I don't know. You calling us? Yeah. I don't even know under what circumstance would you call 911 based on Chinese food? If I found a dead baby in my Chinese food.

If I ate a rat or something. I don't know. If my fortune cookie said, we murdered people, then I might call 911. Call 911. What's Gary Shandling's old joke? Gary Shandling's old joke is one of my favorite. Open up a fortune cookie.

He says, your rice is- I peed in your rice. I peed in your rice. Should these be handwritten? That was a great Gary Shandling joke. No, but there's no- You can't just be irritated. This is a major problem. And Judah is you can't just be irritated this is a major problem

and judah you can help us out with this the idea of what people believe that they are entitled to so i got bad food what are my re what's my recourse call up the chinese food restaurant and tell them that you didn't like the food no leave a Leave a Yelp review? Leave a Yelp review? No. I got to go nuclear and call 911. Yeah, they went. They skipped Yelp and Google and went right to the police. Yeah. That's a nuclear operation. And not even because they were sick.

Not even because they found a syringe or anything. It was because it just wasn't up to their standard. It wasn't up to their liking. Well, that shows you. I think there's so many people who've gotten, oh, they're calling me now. No. It's 911. I better not say anything.

I better not say anything. Wow. Uh-oh. It's okay. Don't worry about it. No, but it's, you know, the entitlement level of so many people, it's, to me's it just didn't exist 10 20 years ago levels five five ten years ago i don't think i think we used to have this like deal with it mentality and now we have this like make someone deal with it my mentality like it's somebody has a mistake

right nothing is just a we watch chalk it up right nothing is, you know, it's like I got carrots from the supermarket the other day, and they didn't taste great. And my recourse was, I guess I can take these back right now or complain, but I'm not calling 911. Exactly. All right, I got a bad batch of carrots. It happens sometimes. No one's out to get me.

I'll let them know the next time. Next time I go there. And if they care and they believe me, that'll work out. Go get me a new one. Right. And if they don't... Well, how scary would society be if the cops actually start responding to those calls? They show up, kick down the door.

It's actually legal to do that. It could happen. You're right. According to the Alliance Police Department, McLeod called 9-1-1 from the main moon chinese restaurant she called from the restaurant yes around 4 30 p.m monday it's the early dinner jesus how was your dinner ma'am hang on a second i gotta make a phone walk over to the thing and is she picking up a pay phone or she calling from her own there from their house when they can i use your guys's phone real quick use your front just hit nine and then one and then right then you're out uh nine one one

and then you're out uh when a dispatcher asked what's your emergency tracy mcleod responded i had bought some chinese food and it's not up to par to me mcleod explained that the restaurant workers were refusing to give for a refund The incredulous operator requested the caller's name and asked, and this is why you called 911? Shame her. McLeod responded, what am I supposed to do? Jump over the thing and beat them up to get my money back? No, that wasn't another option.

But if she does that, we'll be there. Well, Main Moon Chinese restaurant could now call 911. Call 911. That's right. So if she wants to get 911 involved, don't beat anybody up. But this is the pathway to that happening. You can get to 911. It's just a different path. I love that this dispatcher was like,

Ma'am, this is what we're doing this for? Yeah, this is what you're doing. Because something wasn't up to par? Because you're running double bogey on your Chinese food? I mean, write a bad review. And who's a cop to judge what is good that's right right they do like a top chef taste like tasting what does gail simmons have to say about that well it brings me back to our very first start of our conversation today judah

imagine you starting calling 911 being like look these new these new pizza places in New York are not up to par. That's right. And I'm at one right now. Do you guys want to talk to them? Do you guys want to come over and do something about it? They're like, what are we going to do about it? Right. Yeah, I would never do that.

No, you would not. Of course you wouldn't. After cops were dispatched to the restaurant, Tracy McLeod was arrested for misuse of 911 system. She's scheduled to appear in municipal court on Friday on a misdemeanor charge. Let's leave here with this. I'm glad this is happening,

by the way. I'm glad people, to me, this is like in soccer when guys dive and get a red card. It's like, yeah, yeah, fine.

Yeah. You faked it. You want to fake it? You're going to get penalized. I agree. How old? We will leave today's show on this. How old do you think Tracy McCloud is?

That's a good question. I'm going to go with 24 again. Okay. 24 again. How many hours in a day? Jason Sklar. My favorite Kiefer Sullen show. I'm going to say,

I'm going to say she's 48. 48. She's our age. More than designated survivor. Yes. I think this gal is 43 43 years old okay 48 43 24 one of you is one year off would anybody like to go up or down a year to adjust their answer going down 42 jackie robinson judah what are you doing? We'll go up to 25. Okay, Jay.

I'm going to go down to 47. 47. All right. Judah, we had fun with you today, my man. Judah, you're the best. We will leave you on this because the ballad of Tracy McLeod. Meet Tracy McLeod. Is.

You might as well be driving in St. Louis because she's 34, guys. Ah, 44. I went the wrong way, but I was close enough to it. She's old enough to know better. That's just... 18, 16, she's old enough to know better. Don't be stupid like that. Or be stupid because it

allows us to have a show. Judah Freelander, I'm so glad that we get a chance to do this across the country for you. Stay safe. Everyone go see a show on Thursday night. Listen to Dan's daily nightly podcast, The Good Night Show. Listen to our daily podcast. We've got one called Scalabro Country, The Virus Edition,

and our sports podcast, View from the Cheap Seats. Please keep supporting us. We appreciate you guys so much. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. On your down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. A podcast network.