Dumb People Town - Julia Sweeney - What Rhymes With Moana?

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Julia Sweeney visits to hear about a man who has an adventure on a riding lawn mower. In story two, a business owner makes sweet treats at a neighboring business less sweet. In the third story, a baker makes a very special birthday cake. 

Star Pains, I know. I couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to your population, Sulation New Population Sweeney Julia Sweeney

I'm so happy you're sitting in between us right now I know I'm very excited myself Oh Julia Sweeney I'm big fans of both of you Well we are huge fans of yours

and we've gotten to know you through the years Oh man We start off just being a fan of yours as people watching you on television and then we saw

your amazing one woman show as a movie in the movie theater. And then we actually saw it live. You did? Yeah, in New York City. Wow. No, we saw it live at the Lyceum Theater. Oh, that's...

Where you did it? Yes. Yes, that's you gave us... You saw it on Broadway. Yes, you gave us tickets to it. On the old Broadway. Oh, that's right. We saw it live.

I'm sorry. But then I did see the movie. Or like when it was... I can't believe that. It was on HBO or something. I think you're the only... This is like amazing. I mean, people did go to it, but I'm surprised that I... By the way, it was packed, and people loved it. No, it was I can't believe that. I think you're the only this is like amazing. I mean people did go to it

but I'm surprised that I It was packed and people loved it. No, no I didn't but I don't run into people that I was then I was at the Lyceum Your old Lyceum days which sounds like a drug you took to just keep you I was on Lyceum for a while. Remember the Lyceum days?

I used to sleep until 4pm Well we have a long Story to history And then performed with you In LA on a number of shows How did I first see you? Probably at the Uncab Uncab Uncab Array

I was madly in love instantly Well it's a wonderful show to do We've had Beth Lapidus On this show Hi Dan Hi buddy how are you? Dan Van Kirk with us as always Still over here

We were the first team of people To ever perform on that show Oh really? For years she didn't want to do it And because And I understand She just didn, she didn't want to do it. And I understand. Beth didn't want it to be bits or stickiness. Right.

And it took us a while to understand how to do it. And then once we did, it was great. Right. Because I would say your stuff is so much like the Uncow. I mean, I think it very translates well. So once we started to say, okay, let's get really personal with how all this is. And that show is very personal. So when you're hanging out backstage with people, and this is how we really got to know you and Bob Odenkirk and all these people, you would spend time backstage and watch someone sort of open up in a very deep way on stage.

It was funny and touching and all these other things. You feel like you get that connection. It's way more connected than if you just saw someone at a party and were like, hey, what's up? There's a deeper connection. It's funny because last night there was one comedian that I didn't know and who was really good, but it was clearly their act. And sometimes I do part of my act and things flow in and out, whatever. But he was performing it more like in a stand-up club. And it didn't register.

And I was trying to figure out because it's really more of a performance it's like it's like tricking the audience into thinking that you're really saying it you know what i mean it really is it is a lot acting and then it's also a lot real right you know but i could tell the audience because his material was really good and the audience was a little like they could feel a little bit the canned nature of it even though he was so good and i wanted to take him aside and say you need to learn how to throw these things away yeah much better that you got to be a better actor at this like it's in the performance yeah yeah it's not it was not the material it is about listening it is about paying

attention which is a wonderful segue into this show which is about listening and paying attention to the world because we as a collective threesome believe that the world is getting dumber as we speak. Or dumber is getting louder or dumber is getting prouder. Yeah, I know. Well, that's been always around. That's been around.

That's always been around. That's always been around, but- It's out of the shadows. The know-nothings. When was the know-nothings? The 1850s? When was that? Cool.

That was like a whole political party. The know-nothings. They were proud of it. We know nothing and we're proud. I think it's coming back now. However small that membership was. Yeah, this is deep state right there. Well, we've got dumb stories that are sent to us by our wonderful fans. And I know Dan has one that he's all fired up and ready to do a story.

Let's do it. We have Julia Sweeney here. Let's do it. This was sent by Larissa at the girl on the wall. No I in girl. So at the GRL on the wall. Larissa explains it all. Which I hope.

That's a solid pull. That's Clarissa explaining it all. I don't care. I hope this is a Song of Ice and Fire reference. All right. When a Haines County police officer walked outside Saturday evening to find out and see what had made the loud noise. This is a great opening to an article.

Who is writing this? Okay, bad writing. Dude, I already can't follow it. When a Haines City police officer walked outside Saturday evening to find out what had made the loud noise he had just heard, police say he found Gary Anderson on top of a riding lawnmower in the parking lot. Gary? Gary. And you know that's the cop knows him by first name.

Gary! Gary! Gary! Get off of that. So, Julia, have you ever worked with Diane Wiest on anything? No. Did she ever do SNL? No.

And I love her so much. I love her so much. I want to be her. All the parts I want, that's the career I want. You're kind of sliding into it. No, that's not true. I feel like you're going to have to be her. All the parts I want, that's the career I want. You're kind of sliding into it. I'm never going to have that career. No, that's not true. I feel like you're going to have it.

But I can be very smiley and nice. Weiss was very passive aggressive, but I remember in Parenthood, one of her best roles that she ever played in the answer. With Joaquin Phoenix, right? Joaquin Phoenix. The young Joaquin Phoenix, the Gary thing, and just her calling after him. Gary. Gary.

Gary. Gary. Hi, Gary! So that's what I'm imagining. That's a good impression. That's what I'm imagining. That's how they have to talk to this guy on a riding boat. Don't get mad at him.

Don't startle Gary. Just come up to him and say, hi, Gary. The officer said that Gary Anderson then told him three things, which means he walked out to hear what this noise was, saw Gary Anderson on a lawnmower, and Gary goes, hold on. I got three things. I'm saying three things first. But he holds up the number four. I'm saying three things first.

Number one. Number two. Literally. He starts with two. I was going to say, do you think he counts down from three? Yes. Number three. Fifthly.

Here's what he said. First off, he had just struck the officer's police cruiser with the lawnmower. Secondly, there was no damage to the police cruiser. So you know he's already heading off that argument. I hit your car. There's nothing wrong with it.

We don't need to talk about it. You don't even need to look. Don't look at it. I've already inspected it. The third thing he wanted the cop to know is that he was drunk. I am drunk. I hit your car. Your car is fine. Go back inside.

And meanwhile, he's doing circles. He's doing donuts. He's doing donuts through their lawn, cutting their grass so low. So, Julia, you have a daughter. I do. And whenever your kid says everything's fine, that's your indication that it's not.

Something is horrible and they're covering that up. Now I have to explore this. If they start with that. If any kid tries to get out in front of something, you're always like, what are you hiding? That's so interesting. I don't know. I mean, in a very uninteresting way, so I'll go on.

No, but my daughter is a particular case. She's fantastic, has her good and bad qualities, as we all do. As we all do. She's not, like, she wouldn't say, she would only say everything's fine if it was really fine. Okay, but there are those kids that are like. Yes, I think it's more typical. I would always say to my mom, I'd be like, okay, don't be mad, okay? And I would make

her answer me before I don't reveal. I don't want to say you weren't going to be mad. I murdered the rest of the family. Don't be mad. You said you weren't going to be mad. But I was so triggered by how annoying they were. The crash happened around 7 p.m. Saturday. Early.

While the Haines City Police cruiser was parked outside Rodriguez Fashion Convenience Store. I don't know what that is. I don't know why that cop. I guarantee you it's the epicenter of fashion. I would like my fashion in a convenient manner. Rodriguez Fashion Convenience Store. I've been waiting for a store that combines those qualities. You need a shawl and a pack of combos and you are good to go. That is the visited this fashion. I've been waiting for a store that combines those qualities. You need a shawl and a pack of combos, and you are good to go.

That is the problem with fashion. It is very inconvenient. Dan, first of all, it's a pashmina. Second of all- It's a bag of combos? It's a bag of combos. No, what I love about this is that at 7 p.m., we have a t-shirt that we sell that says 6 p.m. is at 3 a.m. of day drinking. We know that to be true.

So we know he's been drinking all day. He said he's drunk, so he's been drinking all day. 7 p.m. means you started at 10 a.m. Yeah, that's true. You're seeing the finish line of a day of drinking. Maybe noon. So the cop was already parked outside, hopefully looking for some dope blouse or something,

at the Rodriguez Fashion Convenience Store at 1100 U.S. 17. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. some dope blouse or something at the Rodriguez fashion convenience store at 1100 us 17. Add that to the dumb people town walking tour. The officer was inside when he heard a loud noise come from outside where his cruiser was parked. When the officer walked outside, he said he spotted Gary Wayne Anderson, GWA on a lawnmower. Gary Wayne.

It's perfect. This is the fifth time you are named after both your dads. And two cities in Indiana. That's good. Go get Hammond and come over here. Hammond Dyer Anderson. Get your brother Evansville over here.

Hammond Dyer Anderson. I'm calling your sister Tara Hote and she's going to pick you up right now. That dog needs to go out and she's going to pick you up right now. That dog needs to go out. Who's going to walk Bloomington? Alright, so he says he spotted Gary Wayne Anderson on a lawnmower with an attached

trailer. On the trailer was a beer cooler. Gary. Oh my God, Gary. He's his own moving party. He must have assembled that when he was sober. And very proud of himself. That's pretty good.

He called his ex-wife to come look. He's taking care of himself. Wherever Gary goes, he likes to announce, well, I'm here. I'm really into self-care. He is into self-care. That's a lot of pre-planning. He knows what he needs.

And he knows it. I'm going to need this later. To anyone who says you can't take it with you, he says, uh-uh. You can't take it with you. Look at me. The officer also noted there was minor damage to the back bumper of his police car, which means, I hope, there was some sort of drunken, there's no damage. Sir, I'm looking at it right now. That was already there.

That was there. Come on. That was there. Prove it. It's like a rental car scenario. I didn't see you mark it on the card. Julie, you just said one of those sentences that only exists in very specific context. Only car accidents is when anyone ever says the sentence, that was there.

That was there already. That was there. That was there. That was there. That was there. That was there. That was already there. That was there.

That was there. That was there. It was already there. According to police, Anderson admitted he was drunk and hit the cruiser, but claimed he didn't cause any damage. Officers said he couldn't complete field sobriety tests and noted that his demeanor, quote, ranged from laughing to aggressive. That is a wide range. I mean, if you add crying, he could be on

RuPaul's Drag Race. He's a gardening Amy Winehouse right now. He then reportedly looked at the police officer and said, quote, fuck it, I'm drunk, take me to jail. You know what? I tried your one foot thing and that goddamn alpha riddle you're trying to get me to do

and I never touched my nose at the point of pride. You know what? Fuck it. I'm drunk. What's the quote? Fuck it. I'm drunk. Take me to jail. Can we make that a shirt? It also sounds like a meatloaf song

that did not make the LP. That was literally the three out of three. Three out of ain't bad three out of three is bad fuck it take me to jail i'm drunk after he was taken to the police department anderson asked to be taken to a hospital because he claimed he'd been poisoned by police you know he thought of that the whole right there i got it i got it i got it anderson was taken to the heart of florida regional medical center which sounds scary to me the heart of Florida Regional Medical Center, which sounds scary to me. The heart of Florida.

Like they only have one x-ray machine. It's like you have to go underground like 40 miles. Nobody washes in. Nobody scrubs up. The heart of Florida. The heart of Florida Regional Medical Center, where he provided a breathalyzer sample. According to police, his blood alcohol content. Are we going to guess?

Come on. To me, the heart of Florida Medical Center is also a flying J truck stop. And you walk through a gator's mouth. The ER is a gator's mouth. And there's like a gift shop that you also have to walk through. And then you get to the ER. It's a gift shop with only left-sided flip-flops. Then they're sold out.

Just Nutria running around. Okay. Banana rats? According to police, at the heart of Florida Regional Medical Center, the HOF RMC, his blood alcohol content was, how much do you guys think Gary Anderson... Well, let me first ask, Julie. Have you ever gotten a DUI? No.

No. And I don't even know the numbers, really. I'll tell you the numbers. I know.01 is bad. No,.01 is not bad. .1 is bad. Oh,.1. .08.

Is usually the... That's where they can give you a lot of tickets. Oh, that's when you're illegally drunk at.08. Legally drunk is.08. And 1.0 is very, very drunk. 1.0 is dead. Oh, you're dead. You're essentially a bottle of vodka.

So you go between.8 and 1..15, you're dead. Oh, you're dead. You're essentially a bottle of vodka. So you go between 0.8 and 1. 0.15, you're feeling it. 0.20, you are drunk. Wait, is it 0.08? 0.08. Oh, okay. So there is a big range. Yeah.

Okay. 0.08, I would say the most I've ever heard anybody in any of these reports is 0.3. I thought we had a 0.41. We never had a 0.43. 0.3, 0.4. That is outrageous. That is someone with an incredible job. Yeah.

.08, that's the legal limit. So keep that in mind as you're guessing here. Okay. Now, do you want to go first, Tig, or third? Tig was in between the two of us when she came on and did the show. So you can go in the Tig. So this is the Tig position. If you want to go second.

I'll go in the Tig position. Okay, Jason, go ahead. You go first. So I think his blood alcohol level Was exactly the same as his grade point average I'm going to say 0.2 0? 0.20

0.20 0.20 Still I think that's his grade point average Again that is more than twice the legal limit. Almost three times the legal limit. Yeah. I'll go with 0.04. So less than the legal limit?

Or 0.4? No. He's drunk. 0.4. My math. You're saying 0.4. Don't worry about it. 0.4.

0.4. 0.4. So this may be one of the... Julia thinks this is the highest we've ever seen. Okay. I love it. You know what's love it I used to be an accountant Okay but I can't I don't have to use those kinds of numbers

You use past tense for a reason You use math and comedy That's my question No but he was vacillating between laughing And being aggressive Okay so I'm You said.4 I'm going to go in the middle I'm... You said.4. Okay,.4. I said.2.

Jay says.2. .4. I'm going to go in the middle. I'm going to say.3. .3? Okay. According to police... Keep it nice and round.

...the blood alcohol level of Gary Wayne Anderson... Get your answers in. ...it was.241. Wow. That's a solid drunk. That's three times the legal limit. That's exactly what it says here.

Officers say Anderson also had cocaine in his system. There's where the aggressiveness came from. Bump me through the night. There's the confidence to say I can drive a lawnmower into a parking lot. Yep. Anderson accused police of putting cocaine in his system, quote, while directing profane language at the officer. Without me looking, they put it up my nose. Yeah, yeah, nose. They put cocaine

into me. They made me feel great. I'm proud of the professional demeanor our officers showed when dealing with this heavily intoxicated, belligerent offender, Chief Jim Alinsky said. According to a police department spokesman, Anderson's driver's license had been suspended for how long?

So his driver's license was suspended, and he's driving. That's why he's on a lawnmower. I'm going to tell you this much. It is more than 10 years. So how long do you think Gary Wayne Anderson has been tractor in his life? Basically driving around on his lawn equipment. But he still shouldn't be allowed to drive a tractor. Right.

Like he's not allowed to drive. He can't even operate a car. He can operate it on his private property. Right. But once you go into like... He shouldn't even be allowed to drive a go-kart. But hang on a second, for real. Let's say you're a 14-year-old boy or girl

and you want to mow lawns in wherever you live in St. Louis, Missouri or Indiana. Yeah, but you can't drive to somewhere in it. You can drive on the lawn. You can drive on someone else's property. You can drive without a license. I think so. Okay.

I think you could probably also drive on residential streets. I bet you could drive. I don't think so. I think off of the street where there's going to be no other traffic, where you're just on someone's lawn, you can do it. By the way, if you are driving down the road, and we'll get into this, we'll talk about this later, because you lived in the Chicago suburbs for a while. If you're driving down the road and someone is driving in front of you on a vehicle that

should not be on a road. Right. It's not street legal. That's troublesome. Yes. You see a golf cart driving in front of you on a lake. Get away from that person. A lakeshore drive.

You're upset. It's upset. Get away. Get away. Okay. How long do you got? And I'm giving you that it is more Get away from that person. Go on Lakeshore Drive. You're upset. It's upset. Get away. Get away. Okay, how long do you got... And I'm giving you that it is more than 10 years. Okay.

Julie, do you want to go first, Tig, or third? 15 years. Okay. 15 years. So that would be two... We'll go by the year. 2004.

So you're saying 2004 is the last time he had a license. He had a license. Okay. All right. I think he lost it on 9-11. 2001? When he says,

I remember 9-11, he's remembering this. Psychological. 18 years. 18 years. To this person. I think 20 years. Excuse me, 25 years. Oh, you're going up.

I think this guy's been without a license for so long. And in his opinion. Since 1996? He incorrectly tells people. Is that 25 years ago? Wow he incorrectly jesus he in no 1994 we're probably gonna all die next year 94 94 94 he incorrectly tells people he lives off the grid when he doesn't live off the grid but he just doesn't have a thing so they're like gary you can't have a mailbox and live off the grid i'm off the grid, but he just doesn't have a thing. And they're like, Gary, you can't have a mailbox and live off the grid. I'm off the grid. I don't have a license. You know where I

sleep on my property. Yeah, but I know where your property is. I know. We can get to you. You are on a grid. When he drives without a license and he's drunk, that's like having sex without a condom with multiple partners. That's what he's doing right now. And now this happened. I'll read this quote.

Chef, or Chef, whatever. Chief Alinsky said, quote, It's never a good idea to get behind the wheel drunk, even if that wheel is to a craftsman, Massey Ferguson, or John Deere. And I will tell you, we will leave story one on this. Gary Wayne Anderson has not had his driver's license. This is going to be a long time. It has been suspended since March 1978.

Oh, my God. Carter. How old is he? He is, I think, 68 years old. Oh, my God. 68-year-old Gary Wayne Anderson. 40 years. And did he not have his driver's?

Does it say why he doesn't have his driver's license? I think he's gotten a couple DUIs over the course of that time. It wasn't just like failure to renew. And by the way, he's getting around to it. He must have really been driving drunk because back in the 70s, I feel like people just didn't give tickets. Okay, but let me just say this and let me just bring this all to a screeching halt of seriousness. I come from a family of alcoholics. Yes.

Okay. And I think it's impressive that he's still alive if he was getting those duis that far back because he must have had different times of being sober and then i mean i i'm now i'm getting into the struggle with him i'm taking the comedy away no i love this we're trying to understand like this guy has probably struggled for a long time with his alcoholism. Maybe. Here's my rule, just so you know.

When I do these stories, if they reference someone having mental health, or somebody sends me a story where they're like, it's their 47th DUI. I'm like, yeah, I'm not doing that story. That person doesn't think. We don't know what they said. He made it in because of the lawnmower riding. Exactly. And accusing the police of putting cocaine into his nostrils while he was talking to them.

That's what the cops said, too. No, he made it in because of that lawnmower. But I think what Julia points out is actually a great point, is that from 1978 until now, he hasn't driven a lawnmower into the back of a police car. He has actually lived within the constructs of a... His body can survive. And he hasn't done anything to put him in trouble with the law. Right. So he has lived without a suspect.

Gary Wayne. Right. Gary Wayne Anderson. Just keep going. I love it, man. I love it. Just keep going. It's six miles an hour.

That's his theory in life. Oh, wait. Now I'm trying to remember that movie. Who's the movie about the guy who drives the lawnmower? He doesn't have a driver's license and he drives his lawnmower to see his lost son and he drives it a thousand miles. What?

What movie is that? Is that the Green Mile? I didn't see the Green Mile. No, it's a good movie. It was a good movie. I have to look it up. This guy drives a lawnmower. The guy who drives

a lawnmower to see his estranged son a thousand miles. That's been in my head. So I'm a little distracted trying to remember who the director is. It's a big director too. So I'm a little distracted trying to remember who the director is. It's a big director, too.

You'll be surprised. And he mowed every lawn in that distance. Is that? No, it's real. No, it's based on a true story. Is that Citizen Kane? Oh, that's right. It's Citizen Kane.

It's a little film, guys. Is it called Cut It Forward? Is that what that is? There you go. Yeah, The Straight Story. And it's based on a real guy named Straight. Who directed it? Cut it forward Is that what that There you go The straight story Yeah the straight story And it's based on a really guy Who directed it A real guy named straight

Who directed it Straight story And it's about It's about George Strait The country musician Who came out of the closet as gay David Lynch David Lynch

David Lynch Yeah David Lynch And it's very unusual David Lynch movie Like it's a straightforward Like understandable And it's a really wonderful movie Yeah

Look at that Check it out Check it out You know what? Maybe David Wayne had seen that. Is that his name, David Wayne? No. David Wayne Anderson. No, this guy. Gary.

That's right. The Cities. So Gary Wayne Anderson. Maybe he saw The Strange Story and got inspired. If that happened, I'd be so... He's really into weird indie films. I'm really a big David Lynch fan. He came out with this unusual film for his genre. Where a man was riding a lawnmower for a thousand miles.

And one night I had a few too many. Now, I had been sober for 20 years. I never got around to getting my driver's license back. Why? And I thought, wait a minute. I don't have a driver's license. I've suddenly started drinking again. I've seen this fantastic film.

I am taking this baby out for a ride. And I didn't hit anything. I didn't hit anything. There's no damage. All right, I hit it, but there's no damage. Everything's fine, and I'm drunk. All right, there you go. Story number one, down in the books.

We had a guy, Gary Wayne Anderson. He's now part of the lore of Dumb People Town. Julia Sweeney is with us. We're going to find out a little more what's going on with her on the other side of this. What is going on with her? Two more stories. It's Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Stick around. Make it sound. Four more. Dumb People Town. All right, guys. Welcome back to the show. Dan has another story. We got Julia Sweeney.

I'm excited. By the way, Julia, are you... Any live stuff coming up that people can come see? Wednesday. All right, guys. Welcome back to the show. Dan has another story. We got Julia Sweeney here. I'm excited. By the way, Julia, are you... Any live stuff coming up that people can come see? Yes, Wednesday. Well, this will probably drop after that. But you're doing it periodically. Does this go out into the world?

Or is it just Los Angeles? It goes out into the world. No, it goes out very far into the world. Any dates? Yes, November 1st or 2nd or 3rd, whatever Sunday is, I'm doing my show

Older and Wider. I have a show called Julie Sweeney, Older and Wider. And I'm doing it at Joe's Pub in New York on November 3rd. Great.

And I'm going to film it in Seattle on February 1st. I already know. Okay. And on October 24th, I'm doing a show at Largo, Julia and Alleged Friends. And one of the people

I know I'm having is Richard Dawkins, who's the author. And I'm going to be interviewing him. Great. I love it. So,

Joe's Pub is where Hamilton started? Hamilton started at Joe's Pub. Yes. Among many other wonderful plays. That is like a theater epicenter in New York for unbelievable projects. So, I love that you're doing that there. If you're in New York and you listen to this podcast, we have a theater epicenter in New York for unbelievable projects.

So I love that you're doing that there. If you're in New York and you listen to this podcast, we have a lot of New Yorkers who listen to it. Get your tickets early for that. It's actually on sale now. They just went on sale. Show Jo's Pub that she has a crazy following in New York, which we know she already does.

But sell it out. I mean, I remember the Lyceum days. All right. What about you guys? Oh, we've got lots of stuff coming up. We're going to be at the Montreal comedy festival. Oh, are you?

Yes. We're doing our show tag it there, which I love so much where, uh, comedians come on stage. They do a eight minute sets. And then all the while, all the while we're right.

We're like writing tags during their set. And then we come out where we host the show and we come out in between them on stage and we pitch them all the jokes, the tags that we have for them in between them. What do you mean by tags though? We tag their jokes. Like what I just did for you with the Kardashians. Oh, I see.

If I list your whole bit, I'm like, I have a tag for that bit. Okay, you have jokes for them. Jokes. We write jokes. Oh my God. We write jokes for them

as it's going on and then we can riff on on stage. I want to fly to Montreal just so you can. You'll be a part of it. Well, if we do it in LA, you'll do it. If we do it in LA, you'll be a part of it. Well, if we do it in LA, you'll do it. If we do it in LA,

you'll be a part of that show. I know we wrote a tag for Andy Kindler that he's using. Oh, really? Yes, people do it. They use the tags. Is Andy still doing

the Montreal wrap-up thing? I think he is doing the State of the Industry address is my favorite. I love him so much. So anyway, we're doing that and then we're in Phoenix.

We're doing three shows in Phoenix. It's Stand Up Live, which is a massive club in downtown Phoenix. Phoenix in August. If you can't beat it. August 15th, 16th, and 17th. No, we're giving you a reason to get inside.

It's only the early shows. Early shows. Only early shows that night. So we only have 1,800 tickets to sell. Oh, I would love for people to come out and see me. I am going to be August 10th. I will be in Santa Cruz. I am doing one of my recordings

for my upcoming album. Yay. So go to danielvankirk.com. I'm doing it through Blonde Medicine, which is Dominic Del Bene. He's a great guy.

He's ran the Petaluma Comedy Festival. And he did our last special. Yeah. So come out to that. That's in Santa Cruz at DNA on August 10th.

And then on the 29th, I will be running my hour here in Los Angeles at the UCB Theater. That is then on the 29th, I will be running my hour here in Los Angeles at the UCB Theater. That is Thursday the 29th of August. Franklin or... Yeah, Franklin. Beautiful. Go to danielvankirk.com. And what time are you doing that at UCB? I think it's at 8.30.

Oh, nice time. Good slot. Alright, let's jump into one. Alright, ready? Yes. Second story sent in by Mama Fritz at Mama Fritz 7-9. I love you Mama Fritz. This is Tracy Fritz. I love it's the 79th Mama Fritz. She had to go through all those so she got the handle she wanted. Oh she's probably

born in 79. Maybe. Tracy Fritz mother of Kim Fritz. A mother-daughter combo that come to all the comedy festivals. They're huge supporters of this show. We could and we love them. And this is them. This is them. This is the mom. This is Mama Fritz. A Florida woman

was arrested Monday and accused of contaminating the ice cream of a neighboring business. Jung Soon Wipcha Wipcha W-I-P-C-H-A

Wipcha Young Soon Wipcha of St. Petersburg, resident. She Whipcha. And owner of the Indian Shores Food Mart. No convenience,

no fashion. Nope. Was allegedly caught on camera tampering with products sold by Lulu's Ice Cream Store next door to her over several days in late June.

I would call her Youngsoon to be incarcerated. Whoa! Folks! At Sklar Brothers. That's a good one. Thank you. in late June. I would call her young, soon to be incarcerated. Folks! Squaw brothers! That's a good one! Thank you. My question is, how do people

not know that... Hold on, let's let Julia enjoy that for a second. That was so good! I love that I said thank you, even though it was Jason's show. No, but how do people not know that there are cameras everywhere nowadays? Everywhere.

Especially in businesses and stuff. I know. If you were going to do something illicit, someone is going to see it. It's like going into a casino and be like, they won't notice.

Let me just put these chips from that person in my pocket. No. According to a Lou Piniella's county criminal complaint. Lou Piniella? Yeah, I threw that in. She was seen using the bathroom the two stores share more than five times on June 17th without closing the door.

So these two businesses share a bathroom, and she's so mad at these people. By the way, that is a problem. Two businesses sharing one bathroom. That's got to be violating codes, right? Wait a minute. She used the bathroom five times and didn't close the door. So she just went in, inside on the toilet yep and yep after not washing her hands she was filmed walking over to a freezer and rubbing her hands on the ice cream on the ice like opening things and

rubbing her hands in the ice okay i know your entire show is predicated on laughing at dumb people. But let me just say, I feel sad for this woman who needs, this is a cry for help. No, she's a bitch. She's mad at this. She's mad at this. She works, she owns the business next door. So this is her getting at. So she's mad at these competitors. Yes, she's mad at these people.

Another video caught her picking her nose and sticking her hands in the dessert while yet another caught her spitting in the product. Okay. Okay. Stop. Yes, I don't like this story. I don't like these people. I mean, picking her nose that's to me, obviously because there are moments where my

five-year-old daughter will say to me after she pees, do I have to wash my hands? And I'm like, you know, yes. If you didn't pee on your hands. Well, that's sort of my thing. I'm like, you used toilet paper. You didn't really touch anything. I would say

you should get in the habit of doing it, but in essence, I don't know that you need to. By the way, whatever you put your hands on before you went to the bathroom, probably worse than touching your own vagina, which is great. You should wash... But you should... You know what, though? You gotta get

him in the habit of it. That's what I thought. I thought it's probably unnecessary every time, but you should wash your hands every time. So what is she doing in the bathroom? By the way, we need to get young soon. Could also be. We need to get young soon is a story about the Fountain of Youth. It's like the best Amy Tan novel ever.

On June 22nd. She's like, we need to get young. Oh, my God. Okay, so she's sabotaging the business sex store. She's videotaped doing all these grotesque things. She's in like a one-sided prank war, which only works if you tell people you got pranked. Right. Otherwise, you're just harassing.

It is harassing. On June 22nd, she was filmed peeing in a bucket used to churn ice cream. Nope. She then emptied the contents into a sink. The ice cream store used to rinse its utensils and bowls. Nope. Young Soon, knock it off. She is.

So my question is, what did they do to lead this person to this way? I'm still enjoying Young Soon to be incarcerated. I think that this is like, we're never going to get better than that.

We're never going to get better than that. We might though. That's the best. Wait, so what did they do to her? Like, that's what we need to know. I think she needs to go

to a mental hospital. Motive. Motive. Or, anger management. Anger management. It's anger management. She then opens the ice cream freezer, puts her hands inside, and leaves the room.

Read the complaint. Her actions were said to have forced Lulu's owners to discard $2,000 worth of ice cream. Store owner Paul Chooley told the Tampa Bay Times on Monday. By the way, I love his blown glass art. I need to see it. Exactly. He had to close the shop. It's a little too colorful for me.

For five days. Quote, I guess she didn't like that we were getting popular. If Youngsoon is not even selling ice cream. Yeah. She better at least be selling ice cream. I lost Dan. Hold on. Hello?

There you go. She better at least be selling ice cream. I know. I mean, again, this gets to motive. So you don't like that this store is getting popular, but if they're not selling the exact same things as you, if they're selling the exact same things as you, you should not be right next door to another,

and you should not be. There's no way she's selling the same things. Have you ever been to Louisville, by the way, Kentucky? Yes, I have. Just driven through. All right, well, in Louisville. Stopped for lunch. Downtown Louisville, we stayed there because we were doing shows there one week.

And we stayed in an area on a street where there were six, on one street, on two blocks, six wig stores. Now, we couldn't. We called it the wig district. We couldn't tell which store was, what the difference of these. Right. How are you standing out as a wig store for this one versus this one? That's sort of true on Hollywood Boulevard too. Actually, I would say it's not untrue

that stores that sell the same things are right next to one another. Have you ever seen two ice cream stores next to each other? I don't think so. That's an impulse buy. You need to be everywhere for that. Yes. Alright, Dan. Do they know what she's selling or no? They never tell.

No, they don't even. I guess she didn't like that we were getting popular, Paul Chiu-Li said. I guess. A young student was arrested Monday and charged with an act of tampering, which is a first-degree felony, and criminal mischief, a third-degree felony. That's one of our favorite charges, criminal mischief,

because it sounds so fun. It sounds so cute. No defense attorney was listed for her she didn't respond to a voicemail request i think that voicemail box is full yeah her arrest i think it's not set up yet you've spoken are we gonna find out what her store was uh i don't think it said did it what her store was next door we have to uh so yeah she's the owner of indian shores food mart So they're not even competitors. Well, they both sell ice cream. It's not like she's selling, like, toddler onesies.

Here's the other problem. You're not running anyone out of business if they don't know you did it. Right. So you almost need the cameras to catch you doing it. Dan, I think her attitude was, I want to make them have to throw away a bunch of stuff. Like, maybe she won't. But then you'd have to go tell them, guess what I did? Now you got to pitch it all.

I don't think she's thinking anything. Her arrest came just two days after authorities in Texas said they had identified a young woman filmed licking a tub of Blue Bell ice cream before putting it back in a supermarket freezer as a part of a now viral video. So everybody's just screwing with ice cream this summer? Last year it was shark attacks,

and now it's ice cream? I just want to say, we went to our friend's house last night, and someone said, please check that the seal is on the ice cream. People are worried about it. People are now worried that ice cream is being- Oh, because people are talking about this now. People are now tampering with ice cream. And you are contributing to that now.

I'm sorry. I generated the worry. We got soon, guys. We got soon. We got young soon. We'll play a quick round of Guessy, AJ. How old do you think young soon Whipcha is? You know she owns

the Indian Shores Food Mart. So she's a small business owner. Let's cut her some slack for that. To the bathroom five times a day, whether that was by design or necessity. As you get older, the bladder gets smaller. I agree. She's angry and she can pee in a bucket. How old?

Do you want to go first, Tig, or third, Julia? I'll go first. How old do you think she is? 45. 45 years old. Jason Sklar? I think she's 60. Okay, 60 for Jason.

She's had it up to here. I'm in. Come on. I was going to say 59, and that's just Jade threw me at a 60 Stick where you want to be 59 59 years old I can tell you

That young soon The woman who owes Indian shores And hates This god damn Ice cream shop Next door So then you'd have to

Leave a note Hey guess what I did Like you need them to know Maybe she knew That she'd be filmed Yeah She gave a good wave To hire someone else To do this Before we go on To our third story Townies play along Yell it out Wherever you are Like, you need them to know. Maybe she knew that she'd be filmed. Yeah, she gave a good wave to the camera.

Or hire someone else to do this. Before we go on to our third story, Townie's Play Along. Yell it out wherever you are, because Young Soon is... 66 years old. Oh! Oh, I knew.

Okay, but I disagree with all of your theories about who needs to know, because I think she harbors some kind of crazy resentment for this store we don't know why just accept that that's just accepted and she wasn't thinking people were watching her and she was doing it so she could have the satisfaction when she watched all the customers leave the ice cream place she did it for the love of the game they are we're having her horrible ice cream and she that's what she's doing it for. It wasn't to get caught.

So it's for an audience of one. Yeah, it was for her to feel better about it. 66, she puts the P in AARP. Did she? Stop. Do you think she's married? Do you think she's married? Yes.

Probably. But he died a year ago. Yeah. Well, no. I was going to say, if she's married, how much is her husband... Trying to distance himself? himself yeah does he say just let her do it like if i don't let her do it okay that's so the man no but i would say i would say

her husband's so horrible that the only way she can have any control over anything is to the ice cream next by the way julia if it would if it would have been her frustration she can't take it out on her husband so but i'm saying if it was a man, I would have said, do you think he's married? And how much does his wife just say, let him do it? In that case, I would agree. It doesn't matter. Why are we being so binary? What about her partner?

Guys, we don't need to pee in the ice cream on this one. That's right. I mean, this is like, we don't have to ruin a whole. No, but people who do that, like waiters who spit into plates, that's only about their satisfaction of they feel less than those people. And they're doing something to make them feel better than those people. Yeah, that's right. And again, you got nailed. You got busted because there are cameras everywhere.

Right. Probably that you installed. Right. There used to be just God. Yeah. But now We have cameras God's the only security camera we ever had God's like I don't have to do anything anymore

I got more time And I don't want to bring it back full circle But God said ha on this one Julia Sweeney Julia's old show Alright we have one more segment Can you give us a little tease of what we're going to see We have another cake debacle

I love it. Oh, boy. I love it. Julia Sweeney is with us. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Julia Sweeney here. Dan, take us home. Well, let's follow Julia Sweeney so we can find out all of her dates and stuff. You can follow Julia Sweeney on the- Oh, yes.

Please follow me on Twitter. Oh, my God. I've had a crazy Twitter experience this week. What? And I know you'd like to hear about it in detail. I would love to hear it. Please. Okay.

I was on Twitter. I had like 8,000 followers. This is when I was in Wilmette. I didn't really try to do much, but over the years, I got that much. Then, a few years ago, I had a crazy stalker. Whole other story I won't go into. No. But no, it was terrible. And I had a freak out over it.

And I deleted all social media completely. And I thought I'm not going to be a performer anymore anyway. So it doesn't matter. Then a year ago, I think now I do want to be a performer. So like in February, I thought, I guess I should have Twitter. And I'm going to have like one follower. So just kind of incrementally, I got like 900 followers. This is until yesterday.

Yesterday. I had like 900 followers. And then part of me was like, well, I just like my 900. I don't want more than that. I want my 900. That's too many people. Happy that. But then Kathy Griffin, my friend, said, she was over and I was showing her that I had

all scanned all these pictures from SNL and old pictures of us and stuff like that into my going through pictures and she said you should just start posting those pictures because people love that love and that'll get you more followers so yesterday I what day is today yeah yesterday I post at like 2 30 a picture of Kathy and I from like 1990, hugging each other in my kitchen at the time. Is this right after you did Pulp Fiction? Really cute picture. And I say, Kathy, my friend, I don't have very many Twitter followers, but my friend Kathy said I should post these old pictures, so I may as well start with her.

This is me and Kathy, my wonderful friend. I posted it. You know, Kathy has like 2 million followers or something. And then Andy Kindler has like 140,000. So both of those people retweeted it and said you should follow her she's funny this morning i looked i'll look again i think i have 8,000 followers oh my god yes i love it in 24 hours so we're gonna say this follow julia sweeney it's just no no it's not it's jay is back in town but if you search for julia sween, you'll find it.

AtJaysBackInTown. Follow her. And you will see great pictures posted from her. Yes, this morning I posted one of Charlton Heston and me in a sketch at SNL in 1993. Stop. That's so cool. And then I talked about how I was putting the pool in my backyard that I still live in in the house here. I had rented it when I left town. And it was between three different pool designs, which sounds so privileged.

But anyway, I could do it then, 1993. And he said, no, it should be this one. And he gave me all these reasons why the pool had to be this way and how deep it had to be. And then he shot you. And all this stuff. No, I'm sorry. No. And I agreed.

And I did it that way. And I'm in the pool like three times a week. I love to swim. And I think of Charlton Heston every time. I'm always like, Charlton, you were so right. Well, you know what? It was one of his commandments, too. I know. He brought them down. One of? It was one of his commandments. I know.

He brought them down. One of the many. One of the many. I love it. That's a long story. No, it's a great story. Jay is back in town. And also,

juliusweeney.com. I try to put things on there, too. Let's do that. Go see her live at those shows. Dan, get ready. Are you ready? Yes. Okay.

Here we go. This was sent in by Adam Fries. Fries? At Adam F-R-I-E-S. F. Here we go. This was sent in by Adam Fries. Or Freeze? Adam F-R-I-E-S. Fries. Fries. I would go Fries, too. Okay.

Freeze would be F-R-E-I-S. Yeah. No, it would not be Fries. No, that would be Freeze. Well, I don't know. I think you could go either way. I know. Freeze A.

Millageville, Georgia. Does Moana sound the same as marijuana to you? Nope. Marijuana? Say it really fast. Moana. Maybe that's literally what they do next. Maybe try saying it really fast.

Todd Glass. Todd Glass. Marijuana. You know Todd Glass. Todd Glass, comedian, used to say... I don't know him. You don't know Todd Glass? I don't think so.

Todd Glass. Maybe if I saw him, I would remember him. Yeah, I'm sure you do. He's been around. He's been around the old Largo scene and whatnot. Todd Glass used to say that people in Philadelphia wouldn't say Philadelphia. They'd call it Fluffy. Fluffy. Fluffy. Really?

Where are you from? I'm from Fluffy. Really? Fluffy. Fluffy. Fluffy. So Moana or Marijuana? Marijuana. Marijuana. Marijuana. Marijuana. Say the name of the town again. Milledgeville? Milledgeville. Milledgeville, Georgia. Moana and marijuana Say the name of the town again Millageville Millageville, Georgia Does Moana and marijuana sound the same to you?

It sounds similar It is similar Hey, have you seen Moana? Yeah, I think it's similar But it's still off to me What can I say except thank you The mix-up You're welcome

The reason I'm saying this, here's the headline. Baker mistakes Moana. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Should I do anything? I'll re-rack it. Don't worry about it. We're not live. It's all good.

Hello! She takes the call for 15 minutes. That'd be the best if you took it. Oh Oh how are you? I've been thinking of you What did I want to tell you? It'll come to me No I'm not busy at all No nothing, this is the perfect time What's happening?

Don't cut it now Lan Don't cut it Lan, don't you dare Don't you dare Baker, Lan. Don't cut it, Lan. Don't you dare. Don't you dare cut it. Baker, this is the headline. Baker mistakes Moana for marijuana on girl's birthday cake. Nope. Yes. No.

So Moana is a very popular Disney movie. All songs written by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah. Performed by The Rock. Performed by The Rock. It was the Mulan of its day. It is the Mulan The mix up prompted Quite the surprise to it

Basically Georgia Woolman By the way can I say this I wanted my kids to watch Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon I was like you guys would love that Yeah And I was explaining to them

And they were like So it's like Mulan I was like I mean kind of Not at all But if that's their way To get them in there Eddie Murphy not as funny

In Crouching Tiger No I will say I was like no It's not what it is And then I was like, no. It's not what it is. And then I was like, just watch the preview with me. And they watch the preview and it's so beautiful. It's angly. It's so beautiful. People walking on trees.

The walking on trees. I took Mulan as a baby to that when I was in the theater. Gorgeous. It looks so beautiful. And my kids just watch it the whole time. And then as soon as they, with Joe Young fat. And they laughed so hard. I was like it is funny it is funny

it is really funny he had to know that when he became a star that people were gonna laugh at that it is true the mix up prompted quite the surprise

to a Georgia woman who picked up her daughter's birthday cake to find instead of Moana themed it was the entire cake marijuana themed

that's what I'm talking about okay I think that could happen yes that seems like themed, it was the entire cake marijuana themed. That's what I'm talking about. Okay, I think that could happen. That seems like a legitimate mistake. Like someone calls in quickly and you're working, you're icing something over here, the phone's on your shoulder. Although I would say a marijuana cake itself would be so unusual that you'd probably want to double

check like, really? Did they say how old she was on the cake? On the cake. Yes. Okay, so this is where I'm like you have to at least call back to be like, are you sure? Because I've got a huge

bong on this cake for this seven year old with like a picture of a skeleton on it. Kinsley Davis shared her story of the photos of her Facebook page saying her mom had ordered the cake through a local bakery and even handed a picture of her favorite Disney character, Moana. Gave them a picture of Moana.

Wait, is Moana smoking pot? Somehow, the bakery misheard and decorated the cake with a large cannabis leaf, complete with the green My Little Pony horse smoking what appears to be a joint. So there's a My Little Pony. Smoking a to be a joint. So there's a My Little Pony literally with you. The My Little Pony has reddish, like bloodshot eyes. And it's holding a joint with like smoke coming out. I don't know. I think somebody's having fun at that cake shop.

Smoking a My Little Pony. The ice cream cake was still good, though. Davis has captioned the post, poking fun at the whole situation. Her post has been shared over 10,000 times. I'm going to ask you guys, how old do you think the daughter was? Oh, my God. Somebody's getting a Moana cake. I'm going first again because I'm just very bossy here.

Go, girl. Do the guess. Six. Six years old. Jay? I mean, it has to be in the ballpark. I mean, nine. Okay.

I'm going to say 11. All right. 11 years old. All right. This woman wanted to get her daughter a Moana cake. Can I change mine? Yes. Four.

Wanted to get her a Moana cake. Four, six, or nine. Her 25th birthday. Oh! Look at the cake! That is... And this is the cake. Oh, my God.

25th birthday. But even still, they gave you a Moana picture. I know. But if you wanted a marijuana-themed cake, they went all out for you. I mean, that is as nice as sheet cake's going to get. That is. This isn't some, like, cake boss. Okay, but in the defense of the cake decorators.

She's 25. 25. Yeah. You're going to get. That's still weird. I would think. Dan. Dan.

Dan. That is still very. This is a cake we should give to Doug Benson. We should send this cake to Doug Benson right now. Oh my God. Happy 25th birthday, Rensley. So what I love about this story is originally I thought the bakery was so dumb. And now I think this woman is dumb for getting her daughter a Moana cake.

Here's what I also love. The person discarded the picture of Moana entirely. The only thing they picked up on in their mind was marijuana themed. And this was their interpretation of how you go all out for marijuana. My little pony, green, will sew high as a kite. Now I feel like they are sticking it to this woman for being 25 and asking for a Moana cake. I think so, too. There's more to this story.

Julia, don't you think that- There is more to this story. I'm sure the woman said, I'm 25, and they said, well, I need a birthday cake with Moana on it. And they said, how old's your daughter? 25. I wanted to say happy 25th birthday. And then I was like, oh, she said Moana. No, no, no, no.

They were like- I'm sorry. It was so funny There's no way it's Moana Maybe you at 25 need to get to some more age appropriate Activities going on in your life Like smoking pot We're going to start you off That's exactly how it happened

I bet that's exactly how it happened I bet they were like this entire cake is edible That's part of the thing too. It's like, at the end of the day, it's still an ice cream cake. Put whatever the fuck you want to decorate it.

I'm going to eat it. That is true. Do we care about what it says about a minute after people start cutting it? No. No. You're just like,

give me some. And you don't care how it looks. You just care how it tastes. My friend had a birthday. His wife baked a cake. He does all the cooking all the time. And she baked a cake for him, and it looked

like a homemade baked cake, and it was so sweet because the icing wasn't perfect. Uneven. But it was the best tasting cake. It was so good that I'm like, no one cares what it looks like on top. No, it doesn't. No one cares if you give marijuana for Moana. And by the way, marijuana

for Moana could be a whole new government program. I know. And I'm going, marijuana for Moana could be a whole new government program. And I'm going to say this. For those of you out there who want to try something fun, get high and watch Moana. You're going to appreciate it. And you'll cry.

You will cry a lot. What can we say except you're welcome? I've been getting high on this couch. I know. Dan, you know the music. Dan, with no kids,

you know the music. Dude, I love Disney. I know. It's so good. Oh, that's such a good movie. All right, juliasweeney.com. We're going to raise her followers. It's at jaysbackintown.

jaysbackintown. But if you search Julia Sweeney, you'll find her. You'll find it. People are going to go see you. They're going to go see you that first Sunday in November. They're going to see it in New York. At Joe's Pub. At Joe's Pub.

Get your tickets now. I'm very excited about that. Actually, it's a pretty small theater. Older and wider. It's only 100 seats. It's a great time. Get your tickets now. Get them now. I that. Actually, it's a pretty small theater. Older and wider. It's only 100 seats. Get your tickets now. Get them now.

I want to sell it out. Older and wider. And you have an open invite to always come and do this show with us. Oh, I'm here at Lord of the Bands this afternoon. I'm not leaving. We can't do that. No, no. We're going to have you come do a live one.

No, we can't do that. We'll have you on a live one with us. Yes, we'll have you do a live one at Largo. God, the people you have are so great and so witty. Well, you are. I always just end up feeling like I'm just going, ha, ha, ha. Like, I just have a really good seat now. This is how much I love Julia.

She came and just watched the show. Yeah. She just came as a fan of watch. I came and bought tickets and watched the show. No, I'm so excited to see you guys. Because I actually would flash on you two, even though we didn't know each other that much, I loved you guys the minute I saw you guys so much. I mean, likewise.

I was like, oh, these would be like my best friends if the circumstances were like they were. I mean, they were just like my people, my people. Yes. And when I was in, we met, even though I was happy and it turned out to be a good show, I was a big, big, big fan. I hear all of that. Caveat, caveat, caveat. Okay. I would sometimes think of you guys and I would get really sad.

Like I had left these wonderful people in L. in LA that I could have developed a relationship with. And so when I came back, that was one of the first things was to go to Largo and see you guys. To be on that show with you was so nice. And now you can add Dan into your folder as well. Yes, Dan is your friend as well. And Land as well. And Land. I'll live.

Forget about Land. Land can be snippy sometimes. No, it's okay. All right. Well, there you go. That's our show. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dump People Town.

Stick around, make a sound, come here down, it's Dumb People Town.