Dumb People Town - Julius Sharpe - Look What's Coming Down the Belt

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

Julius Sharpe joins the show to discuss the tale of a Canadian burglar who makes himself at home!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band, with co-host Armand Dan. Man, dirt, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, on your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population U.

Population Sharp. Julia Sharp, a.k.a. Goldie, a.k.a. our collaborator on the Dumb People Town animated show that is currently right now sitting at YouTube with the hope that we get to make that and you guys get to see it. Goldie, thank you for being here. It's an honor. I understand that our show is currently in a vault behind a bunch of lasers. There is an encrypted combination. They're protecting it? Is that what you're saying? That and the recipe to new Coke, I believe. Yeah.

All those things. Have you seen orange vanilla Coke, an ad for that? Yeah. I miss that. And have you tried it? No. Is it good? It sounds like the official drink of Dumb People Town.

I would definitely try it. I'm surprised that Dumb People Town doesn't have Pepsi-flavored Coke. You know what I mean? If you can do any Coke, that's the tattoo of your face on your face. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. What's amazing is the four of us, and for our listeners, have been for the past several months just- Almost a year.

Yeah, almost a year, but really intensely for the past, since I would say the early fall, intensely kind of mulling over the dumbness of this world. Can I just say I feel like I've gotten too close to it, and I've become stupider. It's seeped into your brain? Yeah, by hearing about this stuff, then it's like now the first voice in my brain, like it's pushing away the things that are like, you know, save for retirement.

It's like, wow. It's by a jet ski. Right. Are you happier as a result? Do you think you're happier? the phrase, the question of our times, which is at the core of our TV show, which is is it better to be smart and right and miserable or dumb and happy?

No, I'm in the narrowest narrows of the Venn diagram between stupid and miserable. Somehow it's just like.0001% of the population will experience this side effect. You don't want to be dumb and self-aware. Yeah, you can't even enjoy it.

Well, you have got an amazing book which we will get into after we take a little break in a bit after we sort of get going on this story, but an amazing book. The new book is out. You guys can get on it. It's called So You're Going Bald and it's hilarious. We'll talk about it. You may be bald. You might have a close friend or spouse

that is bald. Or you might just enjoy laughing at a hilarious book. This thing is fantastic. We'll get into a little bit about it after the break. But, Dan, you have a story? We have a story, and Goldie's here, so let's just jump in. Ready? This was sent in by Milo. At Milogan.

Milogan? I don't know. It's Milogan. Yeah. A Canadian burglar. That idiot! Shit. I jumped the gun. Do your way in. I really wanted to be the first to say something

You got it A Canadian burglar made himself at home Which sounds like the nicest thing Canadian burglar Sorry They apologize the whole time Sorry about the window I thought it was my cottage

Alright if I come in I'll take that as a maybe So sorry, I'm breaking into your door. Sorry about the window. I thought it was my cottage. All right, if I come in, I'll take that as a maybe. So sorry. So sorry. After breaking into a ranch in Kamloops. Is that how you say it? Does anybody know? Kamloops.

Never heard of it. Is that a song by Cantaloupe? No. I thought it was Cantaloupe. Kamloops. Christopher Hiscock got comfortable I know he's actually he's actually a eunuch people don't know oh really yeah well Norm Hiscock if I'm correct was one of the executive producers of kids in the hall am I I wrong to say that, Ryder? You can be very successful with

cock in your name. Or owning one. I'm talking about Canadian successful people. This guy, Chris Hiscock. Following the footsteps of the many successful Hiscocks of Canada. Christopher Hiscock got comfortable. If you put a comma in the wrong place there,

you could have a totally different sentence. Well, he took Hiscock out. He fed the cats. Are you saying a comma in the wrong place there, you could have a totally different sentence. Well, he took his cock out. Right. He fed the cats. Are you saying a comma after Christopher? Yeah. Christopher. His cock got uncomfortable.

There we go. He fed the cats, started the fireplace, cooked a meal, and did laundry, and wrote in the homeowner's diary. Just stay home. Just stay home and do that. It's like a restaurant where you cook your own food. Why am I here? Doing chores? I'm going to break in and just start doing chores while my own place is filthy.

Dan, you talk about going to places and doing things. I ran into a Ralph's supermarket just to get one thing, and all the lines were really big. And I went over to the area where you have to, like, check yourself out. Almost like a self-checkout. Yes, it is a self-checkout. Actually a self-checkout. I think that's what it's called. And I literally was getting angrier by the minute that the store is making me do that.

Really? Yes. I've gone one step further when then I'm angry at my own incompetence in operating the machine. I can't do it. I'm too dumb to do it. But at the same time I'm like, really? You're going to make us do your everything for you? Well, the other thing is as you do that, they're always like, take

the thing and put it in the bag. They want you to put it in their bag. Place the item in the bag. You've brought a bag. And I'm like, I'm going to put it in. Nope. You got to place it in their bag. Then take it out of their bag and put it in your bag. Is the item in the bag. But what if you've brought a bag? And I'm like, I'm going to put it in. Nope. You've got to place it in their bag. Then take it out of their bag and put it in your bag. Is that real? Yes.

They freak out. There's just a weight system. By that, they mean put it where the bag goes because it's all weighted. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't want it. And they're like, you've got to fill out a W-9 form. Let them know how many hours you worked here.

And then tell them what your spouse made. I mean, it's like, just do it for me. That's not working. Then tell him what your spouse made. Just do it for me. That's why I'm here. I was a bagger for a few summers. I can't watch bagging without getting aggravated because of the Tetris of it. When they do it wrong, I get infuriated.

I'm like, you're not going to want to grab that first. Look at what's coming down the belt. Do not grab that. Know what's coming down the belt. Do not grab that. Know what's coming down the belt. Like milk is that really long piece that, you know, it's like the milk slides in. You get four rows. Dan, you just said a phrase that tells me you are going to be the best dad that's going to annoy your kids ever. Look what's coming down the belt. You don't want to grab that first.

The way you phrased that, you don't want to grab that first. Look what's coming down the back. You don't want to grab that first. The way you phrased that, you don't want to grab that first. Look what's coming down the back. It's like you're not solving it fully for them. They have to solve it themselves. You're giving them the tools to realize that they fucked up, but you're not outright saying,

here, put that in first. Or you watching them pack a trunk. I don't know if I'd put that there. What else we got to put in? That's enough to have a kid right now. You can parent with just that. Just that. That phrase, Nan, and that ability to not solve it completely but give it to the kid to solve it.

Hey, you know what? Just saying it already puts me ahead of my own father. There you go. Because we're in the same place. You win. Oh, yeah. You win. Just your children hearing your voice puts you ahead of your own father. But I love Goldie hit the nail on the same place. You win. Oh, yeah. You win. Just your children hearing your voice puts you ahead of your own father.

But I love, Goldie hit the nail on the head here. It's all about why break in, it's like one of those like going on vacation to do yard work.

Right. Or like, one of my favorite restaurants in LA, and they're all over the world, I think is Gayu Kaku,

where they bring you the meat, they bring you the meat and you just cook it right there. Gayu Kaku. Gayu Kaku. Have you been to Gayu Kaku? No. Oh my god.

It's like a shabu-shabu, right? You cook it on the table. There's like a grill in front of you and they bring you all the stuff and you just load up. It's like 40 bucks you can do all you can eat and it just doesn't stop. And then you clean it and then you bust the tables and then you're marrying catships at the end. There is that point where I'm like, why am I doing all this? And why is it more

expensive? What's the name of the place? Gayokaku. Which in what language? Japanese? Come on. Is it Japanese barbecue? It's either Korean or Japanese. It's Japanese barbecue, I believe.

In Japanese, it means, why am I doing all this? Literally, what am I doing here? If they're going to cultural appropriate us, make them do it. So he fed the cats. He started a fire. He cooked a meal. Did laundry. His laundry.

How could it be his? Maybe he threw his in. Well, he could have changed into their robe while he took off his own clothes and then washed them. That's probably what he did. That's the best thing about going to a hotel is living the robe life. Oh. I live it at home. You do?

Yeah. You robe life at home? I never... Did you see Gaffigan's bit about that? No. You put on the robe at a hotel and you just... You completely block out the fact

that this was on another naked man's body. Yeah. Like hours before. They wash it. Hours. Whether they wash it or not. You tell me if you put that robe back on the hook, tie the little thing that they don't look at and go, it's good. You got to tie it right.

The glasses are cleaned with Windex. That's the big thing is don't use those glasses. No, stop. Don't ever. I'm sure it's fine. Oh, yeah. That's always the great way after you just jarred someone's life. But I'm sure it's fine.

But go ahead. You're in a gross sperm rope drinking Windex. Hashtag hotel life. Do you get up super early? Well, my kids, my two who's going to be three-year-old wakes me up at generally somewhere between 3 a.m. and 7. Okay, and you don't want your day to start until 7.30? I don't want my day to start, period. I'm just saying that's probably when you're robe life.

I'm not up before I need to start my day. Yeah, so you don't need one. Right. You don't need a robe. Robe life will come as the... You're going to want that robe because look what's coming down the belt. Look what's coming down the belt. Okay, did laundry,

and then our favorite part, there's always something that gets in a dumb people's head, wrote in the homeowner's diary. I cannot wait to hear the entry. First of all, so Canadian to still have a diary that you're writing in.

Do you know anyone who has a diary? It's just sad this guy wasn't born in Florida. Yeah. As far as we know. Yeah. Do you know anyone who owns a diary? The Venn diagram of people who own diaries and own homes has got to be like the smallest sliver ever. Because what you're saying to yourself is I'm not a 13-year-old girl. Sure.

A diary is a lot of work. That's a ton of work. What is interesting ever that anyone does? Have you started watching the new HBO documentary about the case against Adnan Saad? Yes, I do. I'm in it. You're in it, Randy? I'm in it.

I'm into it. Randy was pinging cell phone towers. That was the first am I wrong to say that was the first serial? Yeah, that was serial. Season one. Did you listen to serial? I did. This puts a visual to all of it. But I was going to say, having a diary will either wrongfully convict someone or exonerate someone.

Yeah, because. It's all your words. Right. It's your words and how you feel. And you're like, well, but she was a teenage girl talking about this guy. Yeah. That's what I think of now when you said diary. I'm like, oh, you're leaving behind some trail of what was going on. I have one

and it's just hidden away with all these false leads. You guys are in it. You write things like, keep seeing guy in red jacket. Now that they're way down on this red jacket guy. Think my daughter wants to kill me. Going to podcast, felt a lot of

tension. Definitely search these guys home wants to kill me. Going to podcast, felt a lot of tension. Definitely search these guys' homes. You just make it so much more difficult for the police. Yes, so. What did he write in the disease? This is what his cock

had written. I cannot wait. Again, comma could change all of that. Today was my first full day at the ranch. What? I kind of like him. I kind of like him. He's got a sense of humor about himself.

I fed the cats and horses. So much I can do here. I have to remind myself just to relax and take my time. I don't feel alone here. I guess with two cats and three horses, it's kind of hard to be alone. Last night, I had a fire in the house. It was so peaceful. That's in parentheses.

Can I just interrupt for a second? You interrupt every time. This guy is welcome to break into my house and just take over. Dude, we might need some laundry done. I need a babysitter next Saturday night. We can get a whole schedule going for this guy. Thursdays, you're over there. And then Saturdays, you're at Goldie's.

Oh, there's a diary at every house. Don't worry. You're taken care of. There's a diary at every house could be the name of his book. Last night, I had a fire in the house. It was so peaceful. I slept like a little baby. I saw a picture.

By the way, babies don't sleep. A little baby gets solar sleep every night. You want to sleep like a four-year-old. Every two hours you're breastfeeding? Yeah. I don't understand. Okay. I slept like a little baby.

I saw a picture in the basement on the wall of a man holding and weighing a fish on a boat. You saw a picture in the basement of a wall. I'm sorry. I saw a picture in the basement on the wall of a man. On the wall of a man. Yes. Holding and weighing fish on a boat. That feels like filler.

Yeah. Come on. Looking at him. Get to it. He's got 1,500 words. I think we look a lot alike. What? But I think I'm more handsome.

No. End of entry. End of entry. Yes. You? But I think I'm more handsome. No. End of entry. End of entry. You had to get one dig on the guy. Yes. Yes. By the way, have you ever been fishing early in the morning and whatnot? You don't wake up looking great when you're fishing.

No. I mean, so cut the guy some slack on a two-pound test line. Well, he thinks he looks more handsome. We're going to take a quick break. When we do, we'll come back with the homeowners showing up at this house. Oh, good. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Our guest is Julius Sharp, our buddy Goldie. He's got a new book out called So You're Bald. So You're Going. So You're Going Bald. Going.

You're Going Bald. So it's not even you're bald. There are those who are bald and then those who... You are bald yourself. Well, thank you. Yeah, I was going bald and now I am bald, so...

But you have... We were at your house like looking at the hairpiece you bought. Because you got a hairpiece to try on for the... Part of the book is I get an incredible hairpiece. It's amazing. It's ridiculous Part of the book is I get an incredible hair piece. It's amazing.

It's ridiculous because of the gray blended in. I mean, it looks – The woman's an artist. The woman is an artist. She was an artist, yeah. It's so believable. Yeah. And it's so fantastic.

You put it on and I was like, is this the way you've always been? It was amazing. No, it's clear I wasted 20 years not having it. I was going to ask you, did you see when doing it, you're like, oh, if you started this right when you were starting to lose it, you would stay on this road and never get off because you're kind of tied to it. Yeah, I mean, the book goes into whether ethically you need to reveal this to the people you're with. That's what I want to know because the reveal is, to me, the moment in every romantic comedy in the third act, almost towards the end, where the guy loses the girl. It's the end of the second act. Right.

And he loses the girl, and he's got to do something to get her back because she thought he was one way. Like in Behind the Candelabra. Yeah. In this movie, he would not get her back. That was beyond the Candelabra. He would not get her back because he's bald. Right. Like, she's going to be like, no.

Yeah. She's going to be like, this is my new reality. Oh, I didn't know I was dating a network TV villain. Or an English Premier League soccer referee. I was watching that they are hairless. To me, as if hair was something that fans could latch on to and get mad at you about. You're like, I'm completely hairless. I'm like a little baby.

What it does is, I mean, the book goes into this as well, is that bald people are effectively invisible. Like, no one cares about us at all. And so I think what the thing, the soccer league is probably thinking is like, don't let the refs distract you. Right. Don't even see them. It's like a frictionless. Like, what if the ref had like a great. The best thing you can say about the referee is I didn't even notice him.

Exactly. So like, what if the referee was like this really great referee, but had a Morrissey style haircut. You'd be like, that's all people would be talking about. There's this fucking Morrissey asshole. There's that cameraman at the Clippers game with the crazy huge hair. You know, like, see, you know, and you shouldn't because he's a cameraman. He should be bald. Yes.

This book is hilarious. If you have someone in your life that you, that is bald, if you just enjoy straight comedy, as I mentioned before, or gay comedy, whatever you need, this is the book for you. It is so freaking funny. Let's do it as an audience. Let's support this guy. Ghosts, it's on Amazon right now. For a number of reasons. Number one, you will love the book.

It is. And your bald friends or father or father-in-law who you want to get a little digging at or anyone in your life. Actually, I don't even think it's getting a digging. I think it's a positive. There's so much positivity. I mean, the problem is you may literally make them so powerful they will dominate you forever. Like, that's the risk that you're accepting.

You're turning the bald, the male bald world into a world of Jason Statham's. Correct? I mean, that's the goal. That much confidence? I mean, basically that, as I say in the book, is the highest thing a bald person can aspire to.

Is to be Jason Statham. Is to Statham the shit out of it. That's right. Or Bruce Willis. So I'm like in that range. But Statham really a little more. A non-harmonica playing Bruce Willis. Yeah, like not the Bruce Willis.

I mean, the Bruce Willis we grew up with. Right, because when Bruce Willis starts playing with the blues band, that's when I'm reminded how bald he is. Yeah, a harmonica is a bad thing for a bald guy to be holding. I've got one with me right now. Don't. Swear to God. It's very distracting. Dan Van Kirk, another bald, hilarious friend.

No, I mean, this is why I'm here is you guys are such a bald, friendly podcast. Oh, man. You know, there's hostility everywhere. Agreed. Look, I do think it is. There's a point. And we have so many really close friends in our lives. And you say to yourself, okay.

Thank you. Who are bald. Thank you. And you are one of them. And you're like, all right, are you going to embrace this? Where are you going with this? Never. Never. I'm never going to embrace this? Where are you going with this? Never. Never.

I'm never going to embrace this. You're never going to embrace it. No, I mean, I was saying this morning that the book is coming out and theoretically the worst thing that could happen is I regrow my hair miraculously this week. That's your biggest nightmare. But then I would just jettison the book

and go, oh, it's all bullshit. Don't buy it. I'm fine. Yeah. My whole thing is, I always say, shaving your head or being bald is a skinny man's game.

Because if you're, and by skinny, I just mean healthy. If you are, if you are bald and you go big obese, it never works. In the book,

your King Kong Bundy. One thing in the book, it says you cannot gain one fucking ounce. Right. You cannot. It looks good if you're healthy. Yes.

You will look fine. But once you start going, you just start looking like a thumb. Like a big, giant baby. Well, but if you're bald and you're thin or you're in good shape, people are like, does he do martial arts? You almost look streamlined if you're healthy. Like Agassi was all about the hair and then he he lost the hair, and he lost Brooke Shields, but still he gained Steffi Graf. So he kind of came out of net gain zero and good.

But he had to be, like, incredible at tennis. Right. He had to have a superpower. He had to have a superpower. That's right. Like, basically, you know, another thing you can shoot for is getting mistaken for Kelly Slater. Yeah. That's super high end.

That guy. Yeah. Because people don't really know what he looks like. So I've just gone to saying. That's the other thing about having hair. It's the only qualifier people need to say you look like someone else. You know who you look like? Because we both don't have hair.

That's the only thing you're going off of here on any level. You guys both don't have hair. You look like him. Someone said to me, you know, you look like Randy Sklar the other day. No.

Yeah, that's my brother. Did you punch him? I didn't. So You're Going Bald by Julius Sharp. And let me just say, it's out now. It's probably what's up.

A lot of books, I know people come on here, a lot of things, part of the money goes to charity. All the money goes to me. You should feel good about buying. 100% of the money is going to one place.

That's right. You don't have to worry about the money being dispersed in a bunch of different areas. Whether you agree with that charity or not, because you might go like, I don't think those people deserve help. If you really opened the books at UNICEF, you would have some issues.

Oh, my God. It would be a nightmare in there. You'd find things you didn't want to find. This is all going to want to evolve. And I'm not wasting it on administrative fees. Or your kids, even. There is zero red tape when the money comes this way. You're not going to get another envelope from me in a month reminding you what I'm doing and then donate more.

No more emails. Just buy the book and you're done. If you buy this, you'll never hear from me in a month reminding you what I'm doing. No more emails. Just buy the book and you're done. If you buy this, you'll never hear from me ever again. Which is perfect. Which, by the way, that is a huge. I wish we could buy the book and never hear from you ever again. I would love that. Nothing would make me stop.

By the way, I am buying this book. Jay and I have like four people that we're buying this book for. And we will be heroes when we send this book. So do the same. So you're going bald. Let's finish this story up, shall we? The resonance. So just to reset, there's a guy who, a Canadian burglar.

Who loves a good diary. Loves a good diary. Who just broke into a house, did laundry. Threw some shade on a fisherman. Fed the cats, fed the horses, apparently. Threw some shade on a fisherman in a picture and lit a fire. Did he sleep there? Yes, like a baby.

Like a baby. Like a baby. Like the most break-ins last 24 to 48 hours. It's like, this could be a movie. It's called break-ation. Right, exactly. Break-ation. Or you just lived the same life you did at home. The residents of the ranch in Little Four on the Yellowhead Highway came home and found him watching TV on the couch with a cup of coffee.

Oh, hey. Hello! His cock went in the house. Stop! His cock went in the house after seeing the door open, the lawyer said during trial. So they left for quite a while and just left the door open. They live on a ranch on the Yellowhead Highway in

Canada. Who do you think is going to come into your house? My favorite murder has Stay Sexy, Don't Get Murdered. One do you think is going to come into your house? My favorite murder has stay sexy, don't get murdered. One of our things is, dumb people town, lock your doors. Lock your doors. Don't be dumb. Lock your doors. Don't be dumb. Although they come home, their pets are fed, their laundry's done, don't lock your doors.

I'm in that case. And you know the wife looked at the husband and was like, I told you we could have stayed another day. Everything is taken care of here. I told you, let's stay one more day. You were worried about the horses. I bet it was even more like, see, it is possible to feed the cats and do the laundry, Jim. You know, like that. I have to do it all.

Yes. While you're out fishing. Where was I? His cock of Nova Scotia pleaded guilty on September 28th to possession of stolen property and unlawfully being in a dwelling house, according to reports. To unlawfully feeding a horse. He had reached the ranch from Nova Scotia after stealing a truck, which he probably got an oil change for. Right. You know this guy.

And washed in and out. Right. After being convicted, he still marveled at his quote-unquote home. Beautiful ranch. Gorgeous. I was driving and I just turned in. Beautiful place, he said, according to reports. Sheldon Tate, his defense lawyer, said his cock was working for a...

Wait, is this Sheldon Tate's cock? I know. Said his cock was working for a swimming pool company, but traveled searching for work after thinking he'd get laid off. Okay. Okay. He worked for a pool company. Sure.

Didn't get laid off. No. Thought he was going to get laid off. This is getting in front of that curve. That's when you hit the road. I might get laid off. Time to get out of here. What else is coming?

There's a chance that I could get laid off. What are my options if I might get laid off? Steal a car? Steal a truck? Go to a ranch? Feed some horses? Listen, I'm not getting caught with my pants down on this. Or my name isn't Hiscock.

His co-worker said he was estranged from his family and lived a nomadic lifestyle whenever he felt like traveling. Just go. You're in the wind. Hitting the road, doing chores. Okay. This feels like a Canadian life. Like, that's not something you could do in America. After being put on one-year probation and banned from contacting the rancher's owners.

That's going to be hard for him. One-year probation. That's all he got. His cock said he was considering heading for greener pastures. We'll get out of here on this. Quote, the woods is a good place, I suppose. There's a lot of fish out there. What?

I don't know. I don't know. Most burglars put a button on the whole experience. Like a homey folksy sort of. Canada does. Yeah, moral. Yeah, there's a lot of fish out there. He's just going to go to the woods.

Yeah, but are there a lot of fish in woods? I mean, I guess if there are lakes in woods. You need a stream, maybe. You need something, some body of water. Are there fish in the woods? I guess he wants to be a big fish in a small forest. There he goes. I think that's what he's looking for.

They can't lay you off in the forest. No, they can't. That's a Friday at Friends. There you go. Yes, again. By the way, great follow on Twitter at Julia Sharp

and pick up the book So You're Bald. So You're Going Bald. Sorry. So You're Going Bald. If you type in So You're and Bald, you'll find the book.

That feels like the workbook that accompanies this book with exercises. Yes, 100%. You have to write the book, So You're Now Bald. So You're Going Bald, So You're Now Bald, So You Were Bald. It's a whole series. But So You're Going Bald is the name of the book.

Check it out. It's got a bald guy clinging to a hair follicle. That's me. That's you? That's me. That's great. Clinging to just one hair follicle on the front. Julia Sharp, So you're going bald.

And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Hung your downies. Dumb People Town.