Dumb People Town - Justine Marino - Criminal Mischief

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Comedian and podcaster Justine Marino (Glitter and Garbage on ATC) stops by as Jason describes why a Miami woman kicked a cop in the groin after trying to set a truck on fire, Randy explains how a naked man on drugs trespassed at a Bills Stadium construction site, and Daniel warns against coming home to find that your driveway has been stolen, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Chewy! Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com/dpt. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes shoes, the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail in Florida There's half-price mail, I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast, Dan, with co-host Arm and Dan. And don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down East Dump People Town.

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Hey, Tauties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Merino. Justine Merino. Thank you so much for coming to do the show. Thank you so much for having me. Welcome to the Dumb, we've been wanting to

and then we serendipitously saw you last night at our friend Avery Pearson's show. Great show at the store, you were amazing. So funny. Thank you. I love what you said to us, because we were right after you. You're like, you came off stage, you're like, I love this audience.

They were so good. So good, right? They were, they really were. And they were down to like go with everything. They were, I really were. And they were down to like go with everything. They were. You gave us a lot of confidence. I tried out new stuff. I, you know, it was just a really good show. I love Avery.

He's one of my favorite people. Yeah. He's like we all kind of through the, Canadian niceness. Through the jam. I know you do the jam with Josh Atomizer's help. I do. Put that show on, which is so fun.

Yep. But so we've seen you rocket at the jam. Thank you. And now you're here. You have a wonderful podcast. We'll talk about all that at the beginning of the next segment. Why so we've seen you rock it at the jam. Thank you. And now you're here. You have a wonderful podcast. We'll talk about all that at the beginning of the next segment. Why are we getting into it now? Dan, stop forcing me to get into it now, Dan.

I'm just waiting. Okay, Dan's just waiting for the dumb. Dan. So here's the deal. So Justine, we have like dumb stories sent to us by our awesome fans and we try and figure out why. Why is the world dumb? Why are these people doing the dumb things

that they're doing and will it ever stop? The answer the answer is no it's like tiny true crime yes like true crime true crime light true crime light do you know that in the in the world like diet coke is called coke light let me have a coke a light coke a light here we go uh this story was sent in you're ready to give a story by matt friedman not your average matt, AVG. Here's the headline, Miami woman accused of kicking cops groin after trying to light truck on fire. Wow. She did it all. That's a woman who can multitask.

She can. And we are known for that, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can handle, there's a, like if I said you gotta do a lot of things, you're like, I can handle it. I got this. I try to have my boyfriend do one and a half things, his mind explodes. Can't do it. That might be too much. You gotta do a lot of things. You're like, I can handle it. I got this. I try to have my boyfriend do one and a half things. His mind explodes.

You can't do it. That might be too much. You gotta dial back. Wasn't that a TV show with John Cryer? One and a half things. One and a half things. So set a car on fire. Not that easy to do.

While you're kicking a cop in the throat. I mean, there's an area where you could get it to blow up. Right. But just being like, I'm gonna burn this truck shed. Metal. Yeah. not really. If you might melt some plastic. Dan, you could start it from inside.

You could light the seats on fire. That's true. Or did she have gasoline? Was she like pouring gasoline? Just trying to Miranda Lambert this. Yeah. What was Miranda Lambert? I stole my, that's another bit.

I love the smell of gasoline, by the way. I love the smell of gasoline, too. We were at the gas stations. You did? That's how much I love the smell of gas. They were just high huffing all the time. No, I love it. I get a good whiff of gasoline in the air.

Before I put the thing back in, I take a little whiff. You just gotta take a little sniff, you know? Give me a taste. I go up to other people at gas stations, and I'm like, can I smell your cap? No one thinks it's weird. Can I smell your cap? Pour a little into a cap? Everyone gets it.

Pour a little into a rag. Oh, just a little. Daddy's home, daddy's home, daddy's home. Little cap, little cap, no cap. A Miami woman is facing a series of charges after Miami-Dade police accused her of trying to light another woman's pickup truck on fire. What is this about?

I drove my key into her side of her, something up, something up. Four wheel drive. And then kicking an officer multiple times in the groin. Multiple times. It's like that video of like. After two, kind of on him. Yeah, and he just had too much going on.

He couldn't be arresting her and trying to stop. Yeah, exactly. Again, can't do one and a half things. You can't be in the groin once, shame on me. Multiple times. I'm into it. Shame on me. I'm into it.

Aren't there those videos of like, there's like an Asian man who's like crouched down and the other guy's just kicking him. Oh, yes. Yes. Again, that's either he's training for something or he's into it. Or he loves it.

A Miami-Dade police officer was dispatched before, what time Monday at the Dade Land South Memorial Station, what time was he dispatched? I'm gonna say 1 p.m. I feel like this was a daylight crime. A daylight crime. To Miami mid-afternoon. Which meant she was also bummed when she couldn't really see the fire. I feel like this was a daylight day She was also bummed when she couldn't really see the fire exactly

No, I feel like she rolled out of bed She caught someone doing something and she was like this needs to be handled right immediately immediately Bring another woman's truck. I hate to like make this fail the Bechtel test, but probably guy related. I think, yeah. This is not gonna pass the Bechtel test. By the way, they both should be blaming the guy who's acting like an asshole. Exactly. What is this guy doing?

Burn his truck. He might not be. All right, Daniel. Burn his truck. I'm gonna go 9 p.m. 9 p.m. Daniel, I'm gonna say 2 a.m. 2 a.m. Randy, one of you is one hour off. 1 a.m. 1 a.m. You changed to one? I'm going say 2 a.m. 2 a.m. Randy, one of you is one hour off. 1 a.m., 1 a.m.

You changed to one? I'm going with 1 p.m. Well, switch, you can go up or down. You can go up or down. Oh, I'll go, okay, I'll go 2 p.m. I'll go 8 p.m. 8 p.m. Get your answers in, Randy, you went the wrong way.

Damn, 3 a.m. 3 a.m. It's 3 a.m. I'm almost be lighting a car on fire. Handle my work to the fire. Monday. Okay. So really it was Sunday. Yeah. But now it's Monday at 3 a.m. Right? That could have been your hint.

Located at 9-1-5-0 South Daven. Who cares? After receiving a call of a violent dispute between two women. Police said a woman who they identified as Miranda Lambert. No. Miranda Erin Graham. We're not gonna tell you how old she is. We'll guess later. Is Erin her middle name? E-H-R-E-N. Erin.

E-H. H-R-E-N. There's a silent H. Erin. Erin. Erin. Erin. Erin.

She lit a cigarette and placed it in the gas tank. Oh. Gas related. You like the song gas? Gas related. Bad headline. She tried to blow up. She tried to blow up a car.

Right, a truck. Placed in the gas tank of another woman's Dodge Ram pickup truck at a nearby Shell gas station. This might not have been personal. Ram. Okay. Maybe she thought that was the ashtray. Ram. Yeah, maybe she was just bombed in a. Maybe she thought that was the ashtray. Ram.

Yeah, maybe she was just bombed in a blackout and thought it was the ashtray. She was trying to get a whiff of gas, right? Trying to get a little sniff. So I says to him, I says, where are you putting that? Oh shit. Into the gas. Police. What's her name?

Her name is Miranda Aaron Graham. Meg. Meg. Meg. Yes, Daniel Wright. Exactly. The plot of the Meg. Police said a few minutes after that incident occurred,

911 dispatchers received another call that a woman wearing all black clothing who fit the description of Graham attempted to gain entry into a nearby liquor store by kicking the door in. Okay. Upon their arrival, the police asked Graham for identification and she instead. Why don't you come over here and let me kick them nuts.

Which nuts? These nuts? Instead ran towards the busway. Oh, okay. Can we use it? Right home. Sure. After advising Graham to stop, which is the nicest way to be like, stop bitch.

That's like yelling at the wind. Yeah, what do we nicest way to be like, stop bitch. That's like yelling at the wind. Yeah, what do we think the advising sounds like? My advice to you is you slow down and stop. I would stop running now. I'm suggesting that maybe you stop. If I were you, the responding officer took her to the ground to place her in handcuffs

according to the arrest report. While attempting to take Graham into custody, she began to kick and strike the arresting officer numerous times in his groin area. Boom, boom, boom. This is when you ask, not that a woman likes to be kicked in the vagina, but you're like, say to a woman, you gotta go tackle her.

Cause I have too much in between the sheets. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, I've heard it's quite like- Too many direct hits. Quite awful, you know, I've never experienced it. But I would assume it's probably not getting nice getting kicked in the vagina. Yeah, but isn't it something like you feel it

in your stomach or something? Oh yeah, you'll throw up. You'll throw up. You lose your breath. I don't think we have that. That's like a bruised vagina. Well, let's try it. Dan.

Yeah. Let her kick you. Multiple times, please. It's the show. Hey, hey, what am I going to not? Yes, Anne. The worst yes, Anne ever. I'm crying. We're both crying.

It's like, I don't want to do it. She's like, another. All right. Police said following the tussle, she was eventually carried to a police vehicle and placed in the backseat. That's my favorite part. I would love.

We probably don't say anything, but I would love to know what and placed in the backseat. That's my favorite part. I would love, they probably don't say anything, but I would love to know what she was saying the entire time. I hope it was what she wanted out of the liquor store. I wanna know what shoes she was wearing, what shoe size she is, you know? Pointy, a pointy thing. Dressed all in black is not enough for me.

Yeah, I don't. Stilettos. Cocktail dress. That's bad for a growing kick. Stilettos are bad. You could stab someone with a stiletto. Jean jacket? It's all black, Dan. It's all black. Oh, are you saying a black jean jacket?

Yes. She's in a turtleneck or a full black jumpsuit. She went full jobs. Full jobs. She went full jobs. You never go full jobs. You never go full jobs. White sneakers?

You go full jobs, you start thinking you can do whatever you want. I think we can color these main frames. You're like, what? So what you said also, it was just a woman's truck at the gas station. It was a Dodge Ram that she, they haven't indicated in any way that they have issues with each other. Shame on us for thinking there was a man involved.

I know, that's a reflection of us. That's the narrative we put in our heads, which isn't always true. It's not always true. Maybe she thought it was a guy's truck. Maybe, she could have. Sure, she might not have known. You know what?

If I saw a truck, I would assume it was a guy's. Another horrible stereotype that I'm attached to. That's right, women can have trucks. Investigator said, Graham, who lives in Miami Little River neighborhood, did not suffer any injuries during the incident, was transported to the Turner-Gilford Knight Correctional Center,

where she's being held on how much bond? How much bond do you hold a woman who tried to blow up a truck, kick a cop in the groin, and knock off a liquor store? She's so lucky it didn't blow up. The charges on that. So it didn't, nothing, no flame happened. Or someone flew out and put it out. And lightly suggested that it not blow up. I'm imagining like one of those squeegee sticks where they're like, get, get, get out of here.

Get out of here! Get out of here, Meg! It's like your like raccoons are by your trap. Get, get out of here! I'm still in my mind obsessed with what her all black outfit was. Me too, I want to know what the people were. It's not enough for me, like I want these people

to find more description. You're wearing red in so perfectly placed, but like if you were like, I gotta dress like this woman, all black, how do you put together this woman's all black outfit? So I would do a black cat suit. Yeah, why not? It looks badass, I'm drunk, I think I'm an action hero.

I literally thought you were like, you had come from a costume party. No, you're saying. She's saying in light. Full body leotard. I wear catsuits, you guys have seen me. I can damn wear catsuits. I'm a catsuit girl, so I would wear a catsuit.

What happens when you have to pee and you're in a catsuit? All of it. It's awful, I wore it. You have to peel it all down. And I have to, I once, after a premiere, I had to wait for another girl to come into the bathroom to unzip me To pee like it's but girls in the bathroom to person job It's a two-person job because I couldn't get it. I just had this conversation girls in the bathroom

I was some of the most rich Fertile no rich fulfilled, fully developed mini friendships you will ever have in your life. This is the beginning and middle and then the end. And then you walk out. Yes, there is. You walk out and you never see each other again. But in that moment in there,

it was like being in. You guys are gonna box full. Exactly. We're bonded, we're family, that's my girl. People are taking it, women specifically, or women identifiers, are taking full on life and relationship advice chart, more to heart than people they've known for 30 years. They'll be like, I saw you guys out there,

and I do have to say, I just feel like he doesn't look at you enough. Exactly. And you're like, oh, you saw us? Yes. Saw that? I saw your body language, girl. They get it.

Or they'll be like, he was talking to the bartender, it's like is that his new best friend? You were right there. And they will have the most enriching relationships. He touched the waitresses arm. Exactly. You don't have to touch the waitress when you're ordering. Or reordering.

You already know who this person is. You're reestablishing contact. Who is it? You're like, I know, girl, I know. Wait, so maybe these two had a bathroom relationship falling out. Yes. And she was like, you will know me, bitch.

You'll know me when you see my Dodge Ram parts down at Sheetz. Absolutely. Maybe they had one in the gas station bathroom. That's right. That's a next level relationship. That is next level because there's only one toilet. Exactly. Because maybe they're vibing, they're connecting on stuff,

and she's like, do you like the smell of gas? Since you walked in if you don't like it now you will love it in about an hour It's a full on like you change like a full friendship happens in Justina how come no one has ever figured out for the cat suit or the full body leotard, a flap that goes down and goes up the other side? So in like what I have now, this is a body suit, there is a snap.

Yeah, you got your clasps. Okay, but it's hard with the cat suit because you would just have a zipper or whatever. On the outside. It would show. But if there was a thing that covered it. Yeah, that's called Let's Have Sex. Yeah.

That's a Let's Have Sex suit. That's a Let's Have Sex and like me not get undressed. Exactly, I'm too lazy. You're into the feel. I love my outfit. I don't wanna take it off. I don't wanna mess this thing up. All right, what's the bond on this?

Oh yeah, we gotta get off. Oh right. It's all right. It's good. The lighting of the truck on fire, I agree with you guys, is kind of insane. Attempted. Oh, right. It's all right. She did a good comment. The lighting of the Chuck On Fire, I agree with you guys, is kind of insane. Attempted. Attempted.

I'm gonna say $25,000. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go 15,000. 15,000? Like several dollars over what she can pay as well. Right. She can't afford any of that. For the record, I'm very mad at this.

For the lack of, the people who wrote this, lack of descriptions. And also, if you had a friend who was like, hey, Jason, tell Randy what your girlfriend did, right? We're in our 20s, and you're like, she tried to set my truck on fire. And I'd be like, no she didn't. She tried to blow his fucking truck up.

Yeah, it's a whole different ballgame. Like 100%. A whole different ballgame. Infinitely more sinister. I'm gonna go 25,000. That's what I thing. 100%. Whole different ball game. Infinitely more sinister. I'm gonna go 25,000. That's what I said. Oh you did? I thought you said 15.

I said 15. Oh, should I split you guys? No, I'll go 10. $10,000. Interesting. Get your answers in. Dan, I wish you would have split them. Really?

$21,000. Oh! Close. $21,000. Thank you. I'll take it. She's facing three counts of battery on a police officer, two counts of resisting an officer with violence,

one count of resisting arrest, without violence and criminal mischief, I guess, because it didn't actually blow up. Jail records show all this. How old? We'll get out of here on this. We learned a lot about her. Miranda Aaron Graham.

How old is this lady? Who would do such a thing? I'm curious to hear your insights on this because. Okay, I'm gonna go 37. Why? Because she's lived enough life. Thank you. She's had some experiences.

She's been burned before. Pun intended. Pun intended. Pun fully intended. Now it's her turn to do the burning. Yes, exactly. And she was so drunk, it's not even his Dodge Ram. Like, she saw another Dodge Ram.

Yes, but she's young enough. Triggered. She's like a dog, like an abused dog with guys with beards. Exactly, but then. She. She. She. She.

He doesn't hate you, he just hates your beard. Everything looks like a Dodge Ram to her now. Exactly, exactly. But she's young enough to still give a shit. You know what I mean? Like, at some point you're old, you're so old, you're just like, I'm too Ram to her now. Exactly, exactly. Many times. But she's young enough to still give a shit. You know what I mean? Like at some point you're old, you're so old, you're just like, I'm too lazy to do anything. She's not parking at you.

She just doesn't like Dodge Rams. Exactly. She's just burning everything down. So I'm going 37. And I love the phrase criminal mischief. It sounds kind of cute. It's kind of fun. It's fun.

Cute. I like that. Great description of that. I think she's 33. I think on the cusp of like I better like figure this shit out because I'm becoming an adult I she's literally contemplating freezing eggs at this point. Yeah, like I gotta figure this out. So I thought 33 She's contemplating I love that you think a woman like trying to set blow up Dodge Rams doesn't have two kids by accident Trying to set blow up Dodge Rams doesn't have two kids by accident

By the way, that's who's reproducing in this world that's it right now Yeah, I need to say that over and over again. Idiocracy is happening It is this is who's making kids left and right and other people who are like Try to be contemplative about the world in life or like maybe we shouldn't. Let's not have kids, let's not have kids. I'm gonna go 41. 41 years old from Dan Van Kirk. We're gonna take a break, we'll come back with you. 41, 37, 33. 37, 33, I'm gonna give you the age in a second.

When we come back, we'll tell you what we're up to, we'll tell you how you can support Justine and all of us. This woman, Miranda Aheron Graham, 46 years old. Oh! Older than you thought, right? Older than you thought, she's a Donna Anger. That's a hard one. That is, that is.

Miranda's 46, but she looks 56. All right, there you go. That is story number one. That's story number one in the books. Randy's got the next story. More Dumb People Town with Justine Marina. We'll be right back. Stick around, make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. right back. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get to how you can follow and support Justine, her fantastic podcast, which is an ATC podcast. Yes it is. We should tell you what we have going on. Here's what we got going on. If this drops before April 4th, 4th, 5th and 6th, we're an Acme company company in Minneapolis.

Everybody come out. We're doing like, by the way, just to not pull the curtain back on The Wizard, but we've started to like try and adjust our deals at clubs so that like we hit a certain ticket threshold and we get a percentage of the door, which is far better for us. Same shows, we're gonna do these great shows

no matter what, but if you guys come out, it helps us out a great deal, great way to support us. So come out and see these shows if you're in around Minneapolis. And superscallers.com, we're doing Taggats. We did a couple of them at the end. Justine's going to do the next one here at the Comedy Store on March 20th when we record. Again, I don't know when this is dropping. We'll figure all that out. I'll be in at Moon Tower Comedy Festival at the middle of April, April 17th, 18th, 20th, and then we'll be in Salt Lake City.

Jordan Landing, Jordan Landing? Yeah. That's what it's called, that club in the middle of May. Superdicklars.com. And then Houston, Houston Secret Group in June. CEO Group in June. All that'll be on there, we love you guys. Wait, what's happening?

All right, fine. And Justine, I was listening to Glitter and Garbage, which is a phenomenal. What you did. What happened? No, it's on the iPad. Why is the iPad freaking out? Stop, stop iPad, stop.

You said working on that? Screw you. Shut up. Anyway, shut up. Shut up, technology. I wish someone would light this on fire. No. So I was listening to it and you recently had these,

we know Jason Colling's fantastic comic. I didn't know he had a twin brother. Yeah. So I don't know him that well, but like he's got a twin brother and they're 53. And I was listening to them talk and you were like, all right, so who, were there any twins that influenced you? I was like, you're not even mentioning it.

Like I'm sure they don't, like we're not influences on them cause they're a little bit older than us, but it was really a fascinating discussion. And I just loved how you handled it. And I love the podcast and I think you're great. So. Thank you. Well, I'd love to have you guys on. Let's do it. Let's do it.

And we won't mention the Collings. Not once. No, not once. That's the rule. No, we'll mention that we won't mention the Collings. And we'll mention that we weren't mentioned by them. Yeah, we're gonna mention how, I can't believe they didn't mention us. Look, you guys were in our hearts.

Right. Do they look alike? They look identical. What? So they, I read in- But they said they're fraternal. Look, you guys were in our hearts. Right, do they look alike? They look identical. What? But they said they're fraternal, so right? No, they're identical. But they're mirror twins. Oh, they're mirror twins.

Yeah, they're mirror twins, which we got into, we talked a lot of twins. You did, you got deeply into that. That'll be good, which we don't have to talk about that. We won't talk about comedy. We'll talk about comedy. We won't even talk about- Yeah, we'll talk about fun stuff. Right.

But yeah, it's a pop culture podcast. So good. I tie everything to meaningless celebrity gossip and stuff. It's fun. Well, I have a question for others. So there is definitely a, there feels like a politicization, politicization of celebrity culture now

to where like a bunch of people in this country, I feel like are like, I don't care about celebrities. Has that happened more recently in the last like five or six years? I think with certain people, like, you know, they don't really do as many red carpets as they used to because it got so like, don't ask the women

about what they're wearing. Like it got so weird and also with Joan Rivers passing, you know, it's like, who's gonna do it better than that. But there are still a lot of vapid superficial people who care and listen, so, like myself. So I love it and I do think it is fascinating. I just think there's a way now to appreciate it in a different way.

I think the lens has shifted. It used to be just like hero worship and now it's sort of like, all right, this is weirdo. It is, it definitely has shifted a lot, even in just the past, like since I've been doing the podcast, it's been really interesting to see how people relate to celebrities and take them in and are quick to shit all over them.

That's ripe for comedy. That world is ripe for comedy. Like you can even, and you can even take on the people who are quick to shit all over them. Absolutely. That's now part of your thing is like, okay, let's slow down how we're gonna shit on this person right here.

Exactly, yeah. Even that part of it is like ridiculous and stupid. No, it's all ridiculous and stupid and it's all glitter and garbage. That's right, it just is. Glitter and garbage, amen. Which are the two things, it's like glitter on garbage at times. right. It just is. Yeah. Amen. Which are the two things that's like glitter on garbage at times.

Exactly. Exactly. And I have to say, Josh Adam Myers did our theme song, and it is absolutely. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. Yeah.

It's really, really good. It's fun. It's very catchy. I love it in all things comedy podcast. And where else can people see you live? Is it Do You Dear Daytime? Yeah. Justteamrino.com.

My next big one coming out is April 3rd at Laugh Boston in Boston. I love that club. I'm so excited, Mark Ellis is gonna be in town so he's gonna feature, which like what an honor to be able to get a headliner to open. Yeah, so it's gonna be a really good one. So that's one I'm pushing right now.

Where can people see all your dates? All my dates, jessiemarino.com. Perfect, love it. Should I jump into the next story? Let's do it. OK, here we go. Send in by Adam Freeze, or Fries. What do you say?

F-R-I-E-S. I think it's Freeze. I know a Freeze. So Adam Freeze. OK, at Adam Freeze. This is way back in September. Naked man on LSD, cocaine, and other substances. What else is there?

Yep. What else is there? That's not enough. Order the menu. Naked man on LSD. cocaine, and other substances. What else is there? Yep. What else is there? That's not enough. Order the menu. Naked man on LSD, cocaine, and other substances charged for going into construction pit at Newbills Stadium. I mean, this is what you get, guys.

You keep putting out these videos. And you start with tables. Jumping on set the tables on fire. I'm talking about the Bills Mafia. And you just keep escalating to now you're like, let tables on fire. The bills, talking about the bills mafia. Yeah, and you just keep escalating to now you're like, let's just do all the drugs and go straight to the pit. And the government, yeah, and the government is like, see, this is why we can't have a new stadium.

Because you guys are doing LSD and cocaine and jumping in the pit. And other drugs. What an interesting combo, LSD and cocaine. Like not an intuitive thing that I would combine. I wanna have hallucinations, I also wanna be anxious about it. Exactly. What can I do?

Exactly. I wanna create a business plan for the thing I'm hallucinating. Yes, exactly. I gotta highlight Nate Fritz, and we just did a week with him in Detroit. He was so, so good, but his joke about cocaine is so funny. He's like cocaine, everything's the same, I'm just right.

That's such a great joke. Buffalo, New York, WI, baby. A man was charged after he allegedly, allegedly, jumped a fence. That's alleging a lot of stuff. There's a lot. If he's on the other side of the fence, he jumped it.

Bitch jumped the fence. He jumped it. How is that, if you saw him, he jumped it? Back to the celebrity stories, everything's alleged. It's like, we know this happened. What are we doing? Are they protecting themselves? Cause you're like lawsuit. Lawsuit, defamation.

So okay. Is this guy worried about defamation? So like, would you be like, yeah, I jumped that fence. Yeah. Cause this guy, does he have enough money to lawyer on? Yeah, I don't know. A man was charged after he allegedly jumped a fence while under the influence of multiple drugs

and alcohol and fell into a pit at the new Bill Stadium on Sunday. That is a metaphor for his life. He also fell into a pit of despair. He's falling into a pit, according to the speak. Erie County Sheriff's Office. Police responded to the area just before what time? What time do they respond to a disturbance,

a person in the pit, as it were? Well, I feel like when they found him. So I'm gonna go 7 a.m. 7 a.m., what do you think? 4 a.m., 4 a.m., what do you think, Justine? Well, I'm tempted to go 1 p.m. again. Let's do it. Let's do it. I'm gonna go 1 p.m., you guys. Let. 4 a.m., what do you think, Justine? Well, I'm tempted to go 1 p.m. again. Let's do it.

Do it. I'm gonna go 1 p.m., you guys. Let's do it. Dabatre happens early in the day sometimes. Yes, it does, yes. One of you is 40 minutes off. Ooh, so one of us got maybe within the hour. Within the hour.

320 a.m., okay, what do you think? 740. 1240 p.m. 1220. 1220, I can't do math, you guys. It said 40 minutes, she's like 1240. 1240. 1220. 1220. I can't do math. That's right. It said 40 minutes, she's like 1240. 1240. Okay, ready?

He was found at 1220 feet. Oh! Oh! Thank you, Justine. You did a good fake out too. You did them, I read the five, I was like, I'm out of this. I have to sell it.

You nailed it. You sold it, okay, acting. You were so in it. That's my tell though, is that if I don't look at you, I'm like, you're in. I can't look at you, because I don't want you to think that I did. That was amazing.

All right, so at 12 20 PM, after the Erie Community College security personnel were flagged down. So now the Erie Community College security professionals who were like, we don't want to do anything. Right. I got into security, so I didn't have to deal with any disturbances.

Are you saying they didn't lightly suggest anything? Excuse me, can you not fall in that pit right there? I recommend you get off of cocaine. A naked man covered in feces. Alright, allegedly jumped a Howl High foot fence and then fell into the cola. Wait, wait, wait. Did you say that in the headline? No. Naked and... This is very the lead here. I know. He has the feces. Naked and covered in feces. He shindlered it? He climbed through the... He shoshanked it. He was going a lot of cocaine.

He went into a porta potty and fell. Maybe. He raised Arizona. Because it was a construction site. You think he fell in it? How how else you getting enough feces to be covered in if he did cocaine bad cocaine He's on LSD right he is trying to cover myself up How big was the fence do you want to take a guess on oh? That's what I'm saying. And then he jumps in. Then he jumped. Oh my god. How big was the fence? Do you want to take a guess on how tall the fence is? Six foot high fence.

Six foot. What do you think? No. That's at least a 12 foot fence. 12 foot fence? What do you think? I'm gonna... She says 1240 PM.

Wait, hang on a second. Hold on a minute. That's not even the right time. We're talking about PDR. I'm gonna go 10 foot fence. One of you is exactly right. 12. You're gonna stay at 12?

I'm staying at 10. Guys, a six foot fence. I'm walking up to him going, oh. Dan's stepping over it. All right, fine. All right, I'll switch to 10. Switch to 10. Okay, get your answers in town.

It's because it's a 10 foot fence! Yay! Yay! Oh my god, you're amazing. I'm on the board, I'm on the board. Fell into the pit, Jay wanted to glom onto you. Fell into a pit of his size. Pit of the construction site when police approached him. When police approached him, he fell in.

We're gonna- So it's sort of their fault. Yeah. That's right, how dare you wait. I was doing this fine until you showed up. Until you showed up and then I fell in. The image of him falling in, like can we just cover it in shit? Cover it in shit and naked.

All right, so we're going to get to his age. The annoyance he made. Yeah, exactly. And the fact that a week from now he's going to have to walk into a coffee shop and tell her what he did on their break. Exactly. I do.

I'll tell you what I did. We're going to tell you how old he is later. We'll guess that later. Does he still have his job with the Buffalo Bills now, right? He mentioned to the police that he was on mention gonna hire him They was under the influence of a combination of alcohol LSD cocaine and marijuana Apple's quicker damn how he tried so much Wow. Well, I love that. He just told him. All right guys Here's what I'm on. That's what I need everybody to know before we get inside that elephant you drove up here

I'm on LSD and cocaine and alcohol and marijuana Alright, so this is the Erie County Sheriff John Garcia makes this statement When you're taking LSD cocaine and marijuana, you're going to not read the signs You're not going to read anything to not read the signs, you're not going to read anything. You wouldn't be in a porta potty jumping inside it, covering yourself in human excrement. You wouldn't be doing that. This is a very isolated issue.

This is a shitty Dr. Seuss book. Right, I'm like, why is he speaking in tongues? Just be straightforward. You wouldn't, it's called You Wouldn't by Dr. Seuss. You wouldn't be in a porta potty. You wouldn't cover yourself with poo. You wouldn't be on LSD. You wouldn't know it's called you wouldn't by Dr. Seuss. You wouldn't be in a port of body. You wouldn't cover yourself with goo. You wouldn't be on LSD. You wouldn't know what to do.

The truffulas and foolifies, all right, anyway, according to what he was saying, according to the law enforcement, the man was taken into ECMC for evaluation and later on to Buffalo General Hospital. He suffered various minor injuries in the falls. Police estimated the hole to be how deep, how deep is the hole?

How deep is your hole? How deep is your hole? I really need to know. With a porta potty. To learn. It's a pit. How deep is the pit? The pit.

I'm gonna go, I have no idea. I don't know much about. I want you to get this perfect. I want it to be three. I feel a lot of pressure, but I'm gonna go for it. I'm just gonna say I know nothing about pits. I'm gonna go six feet. Six feet pit, okay.

I'm gonna go 35 feet. Okay, 20 feet. Get your answers in, Townies, because he fell into a pit that was 30 feet deep Nobody else was injured. Nobody else made it on to the site. Sheriff Garcia said We always try to stay four five plays ahead. I love that. He had to make a football thing Guys, I know it's a stadium

We try to stay four five plays ahead Because our job is to try and prevent incidents like that to occur, but when someone takes LSD, cocaine and marijuana, and they're drinking, I love it, he's like, and they're drinking. I mean, it was just cocaine and LSD and marijuana. You could add alcohol into the mix. You could add alcohol to that mix. Your brain would just be so all over the place.

Wouldn't it like cancel itself out a little bit? Yeah, he's just normal, totally sober. I'm fine, yeah, that sobers you out. From running into a traffic and scaling a 10-foot fence, we can't prevent everything. You're right. He's just saying like, there's no way we can stop this. No one's saying you could have prevented this.

Nobody's blaming you. I'm gonna say it at the next city council meeting. Who said that? Who said that? He said he was charged with criminal trespass, I wish it was mischief, and was released on an appearance ticket. That's it.

An appearance ticket. He scaled that fence right up, jumped over the other side of the next ENO, he's running towards the pit. By the time EECC security got behind him, now this individual is falling, tumbling down to the pit, it happened so quickly, it's a large site.

You can't have people every six feet, and this is now the cop being like trying to anticipate the questions but you can't have every every six feet also I kind of like it was a ticket I mean victimless crime yeah he doesn't have any drug paraphernalia or drugs on him he just told you that he did it they're not just by the way they're not putting him in the cop car right they're like you smell like a ticket to appear in court and so he's not, he just trespassed. And he's an idiot.

You never anticipate something like this to happen. We're going to go back and go look at it. I don't know if you never. You have a contraction site and you have essentially a drunken population. That's what Buffalo is. That's how they cope with the cold. Randy and I were up in Buffalo.

We saw one guy walking down one street. Looking for a fight. Looking for a fight. A drunk guy looking for a fight. We turn a corner. We see street. Looking for a fight. Looking for a fight. A drunk guy looking for a fight. We turn a corner, we see another guy looking for a fight and we're like, I wish we could team these guys up. Fight Tinder. Fight Tinder.

Just to connect people up. That would be so good. Just someone just texting. And then if we compare them up, we said there's a guy on this show, you guys just, then they can DM each other. Be like, you uppity? Yeah, see if they wanna meet.

You uppity? I'll fight you. You uppity. Please say fight you. You uppity. Please say this is- You really wanna do this? Push emoji? Ah. What'd you say?

What'd you call me? Eggplant emoji? They're fighting! Please say this was an isolated incident. Sheriff John Garcia praised the sellout crowd at Sunday's game, called it the best behaved crowd we've ever seen. No one's asked about the crowd.

Where's this coming from? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't take credit for a crowd. Also had a great dinner with my wife last week. Everybody in the restaurant was awesome. Praise everyone at the garden. I got a son who got a B in a class. He had a C in last week.

What does that have to do with it? One of the rest was made after the game. A man was charged with harassment for attempting to fight other people. Eight fans were rejected. Fight Tinder. We need that in Buffalo. Where would people meet though? Like where would they agree to meet? Oh, just did were rejected. Fight Tinder, we need that in Buffalo. Where would people meet though?

Like where would they agree to meet? Oh, just in abandoned warehouse. Construction pit. The 30 foot pit. Construction pit. Two people enter the pit, one person leaves. Yes. At Bill's Games and Tailgates,

Erie Community College handles security outside of the fence surrounding the new stadium site. Inside the fence, it's done by a private security company. In other words, they can shoot people, right? That's what I'm just saying. Private security means we do this, and we're also black water. We'll take out whole families in Iraq.

Regular rules don't apply to us. We're above the law. So there you go, that's it. If ever there was a case for criminal mischief, I think that is one of the most mischievous crimes I've ever heard of. Silly, cover yourself in shit, fall into a pit. Hallucinating, very Alice in Wonderland vibes, right?

Yeah, he was very, the pit got small and he got very large. Exactly. There you go, story number two down the boat. Stan, give us a little tease of what we're getting in this. Oh, it's the craziest thing I've ever seen stolen in Dump People Town. Oh! What? Oh, gosh. You craziest thing I've ever seen stolen in Dumb People Town. Oh! I love it!

Ooh! You don't want to go anywhere for this one. Who would steal this? Justine Marino, her wonderful podcast, Glitter and Garbage. You should be subscribing to it and checking it out. We'll all go on it at various times. Yes, please, come on.

Daniel will go on it, we'll go on it. And Dan will tell you what he's up to on the other side of this break. We'll be right back. Stick around, make a sound. there's more to people's town. All right, if you're a pet parent like Randy and I myself have been, you know that Chewy is great. I love them.

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running out so you know, oh do we have food? Did we run out of food? No, another one's coming. That's how it works. It's super convenient. I love it Speaking of not worrying they have top tier 24 7 customer service you can get expert advice Over chat phone all the time. I love chewy. I love it ran you use it and you so we so we have the monthly subscription or so of food dry food that we get. They look like little cashews. And Ziggy and Ponyo both eat it and they love it so much. It's high quality stuff and I never have to go out

to the store and get it because I know it's just literally dropped off at my front door. It replenishes right when you need it. Right when I need it and it just comes at the perfect time. I'm always like thank you Chewy, thank you for being on time. We've ordered toys, we've ordered beds from Chewy. It always comes, it's so great and it just comes at the perfect time. I'm always like, thank you, Chewy. Thank you for being on time. We've ordered toys, we've ordered beds from Chewy. It always comes, it's so great, and it just takes the house of your busy person.

This is the way to go. Get into that subscription, get what you need from Chewy, join it, and Jay, you can tell him, we got a little special offer for you. That's right, Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. We established that, and right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping

by going to chewy.com slash dpt. That's chewy.com slash dpt can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com slash DPT that's Chewy.com slash DPT to save $20 on your first order with free shipping Chewy.com slash DPT minimum purchase required new customers only terms and conditions apply see site Hey y'all welcome back to the show. Justine Moreno is our wonderful guest. You can follow her on socials, at Justine Moreno. At Justine Machine 1. Justine Machine 1.

Oh, wait. We followed you. I'm two. Are you Justine Machine 2? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks to you. Who the fuck took one? Justine, this one over here took it.

Weird. So sorry. It's really weird. OK. Before I jump into this last little fun story, I want to tell you guys about where I'm gonna be 9th I will be doing My tour my hour here in LA right before the special drops. It's at the Elysian Theatre Tuesday That will sell out that will sell out your tickets fill the film then

On May 18th, I'm going to be in Wisconsin at the thrasher opera house in Green Lake then then between that every opera house in Wisconsin every love to do and that would be the best tour just stand up every opera house in Wisconsin yes or or upper club yeah theater or separate every theater in Wisconsin yeah but April 17th my special drops rose gold drops please check it out rate review subscribe share it tell people about it I think you'll love it people get on YouTube mm-hmm everything's at Daniel vankirk comm and you can also check out my movie wine club came out in December people tell me it shows that they watch it and they loved it. Yeah Okay, but all that stuff said Daniel van Kirk calm I'm Daniel hi Daniel, he's that guy here we go

Craziest thing that was ever stolen in dump you send it by Elise LeBlanc at ee le be la I love this hey Elise zero Elise. You're in. Elise, you're in Boston. Go to Laugh Boston on April 3rd. April 3rd. And go see Justine Marina. Let's do it. All right, ready? Yep. Utter shock, colon. Woman comes home to find her driveway stolen.

Oh my god. I stole your driveway. Steals a driveway. That feels like something from There Will Be Blood. Yeah. I take your drive. Steals a driveway. A driveway. That feels like something from there will be blood. I take your driveway. I take your driveway. I bought all the driveways around your driveway. Daniel, you can't.

Not under Daniel. This isn't like a welcome mat. Yeah, no. You gotta get some. Jack hammer it out and then leave it. There's so much that is involved. Well, then you take each of the giant pieces Yes, this came this was dropped on at the end of the year

By the way, Dan who sees a driveway and is like I need that I need that I want to. Orange County, Florida Of course. Now it's making sense. In a season because this was right after Christmas season in a season when most of us worry about porch pirates stealing packages, a Florida woman came home to a stunning sight. While she was at work, someone stole her concrete driveway. That is insane.

How do you? Can you even use it after it's like? No. The amount of time it would take me to process. Yeah. It's like Rich Voss's old joke about like a crackhead will sell you anything, like open his jacket. And you're like, I got an oven door.

Yeah. Oven door. Yo, I got a driveway. Who needs a driveway? Who needs part of a driveway? I got part of a driveway. But also, that's so loud. Like, that's the, what?

What? Also, like, if you jackhammer it up, and then get rid of it and put it into a truck and then drive somewhere else Be like hey, I got this driveway. Someone could be like no it isn't Do you remember when Brendan Walsh to redo it? Yeah put up the whole foods? Sign coming and he did it in like Silver Lake. There's way before there was anything close to that coming This was like 10 years 12 years years ago. Great, great troll. And he also, across from the Virgil,

they had a huge billboard that was like a cell phone. Like that was like, and the cell phone was blank and it was like an ad for whatever, US Cellular or whatever. Very Midwest of me. And he went up and put text messages on the thing and it was like, hey, hey, it's like dad's the thing and it was like hey, hey It's like dad's dead and it was like it's your fault and like And and people asked Brennan when did you do this?

He said middle of the day because middle of the day. No one will question You're obviously supposed to be up there with a yellow construction vest on in the middle of the day I'm putting a sign she'll is with a yellow construction vest on in the middle of the day or putting up a sign. Sheila's replacing her driveway? Three in the morning. Of course. Somebody's gonna go, what the hell is that guy doing up there?

So true. Yes. Under the cover of light. If she's at work, neighbors are like, oh, I guess Deb's getting her new driveway. Redoing her driveway. Or they're doing it in parts. I guess they take away the first one one day.

Right. And then they put it back. No one knows how to get a new driveway. By the way, that would be a great crime book of all these crimes that happen under the cover of daylight. Yes. You're welcome. That's what I'm saying. Debattri happens during the day because you're hiding in plain sight.

1220 p.m. 1220 p.m. She nailed it. Quote, my driveway is gone, Amanda Brochu said, and she is exaggerating, what used to be a concrete slab outside of her house is now a patch of dirt that she didn't ask for. Someone took her driveway as she was trying to get ready for Christmas.

This is. Oh, now you're gonna bring Christmas into this? Wow. When most things that you are lacking is, did you get ice? This is, do we have a driveway? Your driveway's in her driveway. Her driveway's open.

Down to the dirt too. Down to the dirt. Wow, that's jackhammering. As she said, it all started when she put her home up for sale. Strange contractors started coming by, measuring her driveway. Her son counted how many of them? In Florida, how many people came by and just started measuring their driveway?

Enough for the son, no idea what age, but let's say eight, to count them. Mommy? 15. 15. I'm going to go 12. 12. 12.

I'm going to go 12. OK. Six. Her son counted five.m. 12? I'm gonna go 12. Okay. Six. Her son counted five of them. Oh! Okay. Five!

Five. That is weird. That is a lot. Rochu said she has since contacted law enforcement. Her doorbell camera captured a bulldozer tearing out the concrete and hauling it away. Geez. Utter shock.

I've never seen this before. I've never seen this happen to myself or anyone in our office. I've never heard it away. Geez. Utter shock. I've never seen this before. I've never seen this happen to myself or anyone in our office. I've never heard it before. Says, sit down for this guy, real estate agent, Rocky Sanchez. Oh, Rocky. R-O-C-K-I.

Oh, of course. Rocky Sanchez. Is that a man or a woman? Of course, oh yeah. Oh, either way. Sounds like a woman. To me, it sounds like a sexual position that is really also could be like removing someone's driveway.

I gave her a Rocky Sanchez. Sanchez. Rocky walks into every party and yells, Rocky's here. Hey. Hey, Rocky. Sanchez is helping Brochu sell her home. She posted about the situation online and believes Brochu is the victim of a scam.

But neither, oh, she is a woman, but neither woman knows what the scam is. So Rocky is a woman. I knew it. Rocky's a woman. I had multiple people come forward saying that they've seen things like this happen, whether it be driveways, stick with me here, roofs.

Roofs. Roofs. That's harder than the or painting Like how would someone steal the painting on your house? Yeah, you scrape it off scrape it off. I take your paint so it happens more. Yo you want some beige I? Got some base chips, so it happens more often than we actually see authorities said they're investigating But brochure needs additional help no one is gonna buy this this brings down the property now these chips. So it happens more often than we actually see. Authorities said they're investigating, but Brochu needs

additional help. No one is going to buy this. This brings down the property now. And that just messes it up for me and my family, Brochu said. She's right. She says, she just replaced the roof and made other investments and doesn't have the price she's been quoted to replace the concrete. We'll get out of here on this. How much will it cost her to replace her driveway?

She's also in contract on another home, which she may lose, because she can't sell this one. Oh my god. You jerk. So they are jerks. Someone's measuring your driveway. Get all the information you can on them. Get a plate number, get everything.

I get scammed pretty easily. I'm pretty gullible. This would happen to me, for sure. Should I read the thing? I mean, they must have also came on the time that we were gone. I'm gonna read you. Oh, we'll each do this,

cause this is super fun. I'm gonna read this to you, okay? I think it costs $15,000. Okay. Okay. So hold tight, I'm going to read this to you. Justin, what is your guess? I'm going to go $20,000.

I mean, they did this job with a bulldozer, which, respect. I'm going to say $10,000 to read it. $10,000? Okay, what did you want to read? I'm going to read this text exchange, so let's get the answer here. Okay, one of you is exactly right. Ah! I said $15,000. I said $20,000. I So let's get the answer here. One of you is exactly right. Ah! I said 15.

I think it's 15K. I said 20. We're staying with it. 10,000. Ah, I knew it. All right, so I got a text yesterday speaking of getting scammed. Yeah.

Should I do mine first because mine's less funny because it goes quicker? Sure. I'll do mine and then Ray, I'll do his. We get scam texts all the time. Like, almost at the same time. And instead of deleting and blocking, which is a normal person does me because we're comedians Oh, yes, so I got hello. Excuse me. I'm Evelyn

I found your number when I was sorting out my work phone, but there was no note So I sent you a text message. What's your name? I said that wasn't your work phone. That was my personal cell phone I've been looking for it. How dare you steal it, my name is Ronald, Ronald Trump, you scumbag. Nothing. So then I wrote later, wow, silent over there Evelyn, you got nothing to say now? The cops have traced this text via cell tower pings, they will be at your door within an hour.

God help a scammer if you're waiting to board a plane. Say goodbye to your family, you are done, finished. Cooked bitch, nice try, ha ha ha, you're toast, you screwed up. Oh my god, cooked bitch? Wow. Okay, here we go. I got a text yesterday that said, how are you recently? That's how you know.

I responded by saying, not good, I got scammed by someone who texted me a question. To which they said, how is it possible, Julie? Who were you deceived by? I said, this isn't Julie. They said, I'm very sorry that I dialed the wrong number. I hope I didn't interrupt your beautiful day. I said, oh man, I hope you reached Julie.

Is she in any kind of trouble? They said, thank you for your understanding and concern. I just found her through Telegram. although I dialed the wrong number. I'm very happy to meet you. Can I know your name? My name is Leah. I said, my name is Julia. That's great.

I said, oh my god, you and Julie are so close in name. Are you a lady too? I said, oh wait, did I type Julia? I meant Julie. I said, I'm Julia? I meant Julie. I said, I'm actually having some financial problems. I'm so happy you texted me when you did. I need your help. Just let me know where you do your banking.

That's what Randy wrote. That's what I wrote. He said, I don't need any help. I won't trust people online. Bye. I said, wait, wait, wait, just give me your banking numbers. Then they said, you are sick. Add me to Telegram and let me see who you are. I said, give, wait, wait, just give me your banking numbers. Then they said, you are sick. Add me to Telegram and let me see who you are.

I said, give me your bank info so I can. Account number and routing now. Oh my God. They said, I fucked your beautiful mother. I fucked your beautiful mother. Damn it, please add me on Telegram immediately. Wait, that's a weird turn. That's a weird turn to say that twice

and then request that you add them on Telegram. Add me on Telegram immediately. You might wanna request first. I said, my mother enjoyed your attentive lovemaking. What's your social security number? Let's go, chop chop bitch. Chop chop bitch! Nothing, I'm like this is so fun.

It's so good. It's so fun. It's so good. $10,000 for a new driveway, you know that now in Florida. Yes, there you go. Don't let people take your driveway. You know that now in Florida. Yes. There you go. That's a show. Don't let people take your driveway. Don't let people scam you.

Go listen to Glittering Garbage. It's a fantastic podcast. Go see Dan's movie, Wine Club. Go see him. See these boys. See us live. See Dan at the Elysian on the 9th. And go watch his special.

Comes out on the 17th, Rose Gold. Do it. Thanks, Justine. Thank you for having me. We loved having you on the show. So fun. And oh, shit. We got to get back to work.

Bye. Don't, don't, don't. Stick me. We loved having you on the show. So fun. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Bye.