Dumb People Town - Karen Kilgariff & Jon Hamm - LIVE at Largo

Episode Date: March 19, 2019

In a special live episode of Dumb People Town at the renowned Largo at the Coronet, the Sklar Brothers and Daniel Van Kirk are joined by My Favorite Murder's Karen Kilgariff and Mad Men's Jon Hamm, with comedically pertinent musical interludes by the great Langhorne Slim! Stories include: a man bitten by a venomous spider on his manhood (for the second time), a woman who discovers a snake in her toilet, and an exhaustive list of bizarre and random items Americans got stuck in their orifices in 2018. It's a night of rollicking laughs and silliness between old friends. www.patreon.com/dumbpeopletown

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music, wish the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk it down, it's Dump People Town Oh my god, you guys!

This is going to be so much fun tonight. And I'm so happy. I love that with Largo, and just we're kind of creating a tradition of having a musical guest come out here, perform a little bit, and then he's going to perform the theme song. I'm very excited.

This is one of my favorite artists ever, ever, ever. We have a long, deep history with him. He's working on a new album out here in LA. His last album, Lost at Last, Volume 1, is one of my favorite albums ever. I listen to it mornings while I make my dumb kids breakfast. You will love him, so please give it up for our friend Langhorne Slim, everybody! Nice to be here, nice to see you all. I always think that I get this opportunity occasionally to play at a comedy show, a variety show of sorts. And I think maybe the funniest element to me is when they put the musical guest up first because it's the last thing that everybody is paid to see.

So it's really like, prove it, motherfucker. So I'll try to prove it. It's nice to see these Sklar brothers again. We were very close when we were kids, and I messed up my Haftorah portion in my bar mitzvah. It's a true story. And they've become true friends, but back then when that happened,

they just kind of disappeared on me. I actually didn't see my mother for about 12 years after that as well, but I think it built character, you know? So I've got this song that I'd like to start after. I'm going to probably talk for about 23 minutes. This is a bit that I put together in the car ride over. That's a joke. But I feel like for dumb people town,

I happen to have a tune that is somewhat fitting. By a show of hands afterward, we'll see if I'm right. It goes like this. Don't think I'll see you anymore At least not the way I saw you before While caught up in traffic, the landscape changed. Life is confusing and people are insane. Can we be happy for a while? Can we just sit here, shut up and smile?

Been talking for hours, forgot what we're saying. Life is confusing and people are insane. Life is confusing and people are insane. Yeah. Yeah. People are insane. Yeah. Oh.

That's taken straight out of the Haptora portion actually. It's true. It's true. I wish that I could see you smile. Wish we could forget ourselves for a while. Whether your heart is wild or if it's been tamed. Honey, life is confusing and people are insane. Life is confusing and people are insane.

Yeah. are insane. Life is confusing and people are insane Life is confusing and people are insane Life is confusing and people are insane. Life is confusing and people are insane. Life is confusing and people are insane. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right, thank you. So I've got this music stand and words to this song because I don't know it. I mean, I do know it a little bit. So let's see how it goes.

Boys, I hope I don't let you down. It's like this. Okay, here it goes. It's like this. Okay, here it goes. It's like this. You ready? Let me know when you guys are ready. I'll wait. I got this thing down.

Hold on. Here we go. Yeah, there it is. Feeling good already. I hope it's okay that I'm taking like 30 minutes to do this little intro thing. I think they wanted like a four-hour show tonight, so it's good. I picked the right guy for the job. Here we go. Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware

They lack of grace and sometimes shoes the life they choose will make the news the lighting isn't ideal to reading words breaking down each epic fail in Florida that's so much better Breaking down each epic fail in Florida. This half-price bail we're happy to say. We couldn't make this up. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. You got to move the phone away from the words though. Yeah. Please. This is the sexy part. No, you gotta move it away. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host our man Dan Van Kirk.

Don't be a jerk. Cause when the music quits, and we're gonna take you down. Stick around, hunker down, make a sound. It's Dumb People Town Oh yeah! If we could get security Langhorne slam it everybody He'll be back He'll be back If we could get security.

Langhorne, slam it, everybody. Heal me back. Heal me back. That's all right. I got this. God, I love it. I love it so much. You got a little taste of what's coming a little later. For all you who keep kosher, fuck you.

We've got ham. All right. Ham on the menu Yes We are so happy to be here as you said Daniel, how you doing? Oh, Daniel's here Dan Van Kirk's here, oh, should we do it? Yeah, we should make it official Hey townies, welcome to another episode

A live episode of Dumb People Town Population U. All right. Yes. Had to do it. We had to do it. Jay, why are you

crossing your legs like that? This looks very weird. Langhorne. So we're Langhorne. You were beautiful. Thank you so much. That was wonderful, man. Yeah.

I mean, he's so... We're keeping Langhorne on stage because he's going to play some more songs throughout the night. We're also keeping him on stage because he's going to play some more songs throughout the night. We're also keeping him on stage because he's one of the funniest people we know. So he can comment. Probably the funniest.

Probably the funniest person we know. Well, I love in your music that you talk very specifically about people, which is what this show is. You try with your music to understand why people make the decisions they make. Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it.

I saw this show coming along a long time ago. You were for saying that. I appreciate it. I saw this show coming along a long time ago. You were clairvoyant. I'm clairvoyant. And for the last 15 to 20 years, I've been trying to sort of build a soundtrack for what I knew that you guys would someday do.

Thank you. You played the long hand is what you're saying. That's right. I'm pretty bad at that, actually. It's okay, man. We're here. I'm trying to learn patience. Listen, Dan, we always like to start off our live shows by paying homage to our spirit animal.

I think it's homage. Homage. I think it's homage. It might be homage. I think it's homage. Homage. I think it might be home age. Is it home age?

To our spirit animal, Jan Flato. I don't know if we I think it might be home age. Is it home age? To our spirit animal, Jan Flato. I don't know if we can get him up on the screen. There he is. We love you, Jan. You're currently not on Facebook, but present in our hearts. He is on MySpace, though. He's the most active person who's not

a Mexican band. Only one of you is in his top eight. I can't believe I didn't make Jan Plato's top eight. So we like to start... I mean, there's a lot of things that we've spoken about that are true about Jan Plato. Jan Plato truisms, Randy, I think is what they are. But we thought we'd start the show with a few more that you may not have known.

So, Jay, you want to start things off? Jan Plato once gave a dog rabies. Okay. That's great. In each of Flato's four basic food groups There exists a nugget of some kind Go again Jan Flato was once kicked out of a Color Me mine For adding too much glaze

Wait a minute Jan Flato believes the earth is flat But doesn't care because he's an ass man Wait a minute, hold on a second Hang on a minute. Jan Flato believes the earth is flat but doesn't care because he's an ass man. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Hang on a minute. We got there. I think that's a moon reference. Maybe. I don't know.

Jan Flato's not afraid to put a spoiler on a Saturn. Jan Flato spells mojito with an H. On two separate occasions, Jan Flato has burned hisito with an H. On two separate occasions, Jan Flato has burned his hands on a Benihana table after telling a stranger. After telling a complete stranger, it's not that hot. That man right there. Jan Flato has a fanny pack

That is filled with two other fanny packs Jan Flato has never brought a dish to pass Jan Flato told a group of people at a party That the movie Bird Box was a metaphor For the Trader Joe's parking lot And he might be right Jan Flato once butt chugged a case of Mountain Dew. Jan Flato was born with a bracelet.

Yep. I am literally swatting flies that aren't here after that joke. And like an old person, Jason's flashlight is still on. Turn it off. All on. Turn it off. All show. Turn it off. These batteries suck. Why can't I get into landscape?

What does it mean if I'm live right now? Janice! I'm calling someone. Gianflato once got a ticket for trying to drive a golf cart on the highway. Jan Flato's safe word is don't stop. Jan Flato went on the show Forged in Fire and made a butter knife. Jan Flato once paid for a hip replacement surgery completely in cash.

Jan Flato has done unspeakable things to an oven mitt at his mom's house because he once referred to it as sexy. Jan Flato... Jan Flato... Now it's just getting sad. Now? Now.

I got one more. Jan Flato in Latin means business in the front. All right, that's all I got. I got one. Hit it. Jan Flato calls any piece business in the front. All right, that's all I got. I got one. Hit it. Jan Flato calls any piece of toasted bread at a restaurant Texas toast. Jan Flato walks into every room and yells, he's here. And finally, Jan Flato will tell you that Florida's state bird is his middle finger.

Yeah. Yeah. No. All right. We love you, Jan. We love you. True story? Yes.

E-mailed with him today. No! What did he say? I haven't... First of all, hotmail? What does he have? You want to... Come on.

No. Prodigy? Come on. Sorry. May he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. Too soon? Maybe.

I guess it was. He has AOL. AOL. And he said literally, please email back soon because I don't have many hours left on this disc. He called it a floppy disc, did he not?

No, I told him I'm doing shows in Florida soon and I told, I said, are you near either one of these places? And his first sentence was, well, Dan, I'm 200 miles from one and 300 from another. And didn't tell you which one? No, I don't know which one. And that's so far, that's as far as I've gone. I want a treasure.

It's like a Dove chocolate. You just, little by little. Yeah, exactly. Well, so we have a great show tonight. I'm so excited. I'm going to bring out our first guest right now. She is just amazing. A friend of ours, someone we've loved and known since like 96, 97?

Coming out here and doing Largo at the other Largo. We met her there. Or 2012. Yeah. And she has just one of the greatest podcasts out there right now. There you go. She is going to murder it tonight. At Sklar Brothers.

Please welcome our friend Karen Kilgarra. Karen! Karen. Thank you so much. Oh, that was so long for my ass to be pointed toward the audience. Sorry. Hi.

Good to get Karen in a small venue again. What's that like, playing something that's under 500 seats? Oh, my God. It's so intimate. Give me your emails. This is just like a one-on-one. It's like a. Give me your emails. This is just like a one-on-one. It's like a meet and greet for you. It's like dinner at my parents.

Compared to what? That was for punctuation. So you saw Jan Flato, and I don't know if you have any Jan Flatos in the tank. I guess the Jan Flato I had in the tank was when Jan Flato says that he's from Florida, the state of Florida goes, actually, he was born in Georgia. The state of Florida puts his index finger up. If we could.

Puts it down. Excuse me. And they've never said that. I love that. Well, I love, again, we did your podcast live at uh moon tower which was so much fun yeah and you know i would we often like to consider our podcast like these are the dumb things that people do before they go on to do things that you would review on your podcast yes this is the gateway yep when you can still riff your ass off and never think twice about what these people are doing

crime wise yeah and you get up to mine and you're like, but also rest in peace. All that horrible... Let's remember, how deep are they going to get into this? And then literally in the first sentence of the show that we did, you're like, and then he took a knife and cut her from her vagina up to her lip. I was like, okay!

Alright! When I was recently watching Abducted in Plain Sight. Unbelievable, Dan. I was like, why? Someone just create a podcast that's called My Favorite Deserves to be Murdered. Yes. He did a great job without ever actually killing anybody.

Like really fucking people up and keeping them breathing. Dan was like 21, 30. Yep. Yep. It's a 22 minute mark and you will go, what am I watching? fucking people up and keeping them breathing. Dan was like 21, 30. It's a 22 minute mark and you will go, what am I watching? So at 23 minutes I texted Dan and I was like, what the fuck? You rage texted him. I rage texted you eight times.

Like, what the fuck? I'm going to kill this guy. Dan's like, wait until the end of this thing. You're not even done with it. Worst thing I ever did in my life. Watch it. You'll get it. Okay. All right.

Well, we've got Karen here and she's so good at this. And we've got Langhorne here and we've got other things, other surprises down the chute here. So let's jump into a story, shall we? You ready? World's Getting Dumber. That's what we believe. We can only fight back with comedy. So Dan, let's go.umber. That's what we believe. We can only fight back with comedy. That's right.

So Dan, let's go. First up, for our first segment tonight, we have two nightmares. Okay. Two different stories. Yes. Who is it? Both of them are horrible. Okay.

Good. This is sitting in. Or maybe he just likes mirrors. Yeah. I meant that. No. I meant that. No, I meant it. That was too much. Dan, that was patronizing.

I liked it. You were patronizing to her at the end of it when your voice... Don't you tell me what I Patreon and don't Patreon. Not Patreon. Oh, I didn't pay for this level and I don't deserve it. We're on the level. It's too late. Whoa.

A 21-year-old Australian tradesman. I don't know what that means. What is that? I think you have a trade. He's a job guy. He's a blacksmith. He's a smith of some sort.

In Texas, they have oil men. Everywhere else, they have job guys. He's a cobbler. A 21-year-old Australian tradesman In Texas, they have oil men. Everywhere else, they have job guys. He's a cobbler. A 21-year-old Australian tradesman has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time. No!

Bite me once, shame on me. Bite me twice, shame on the spider. You think the spider's like, don't dress like that. Exactly. No, the spider is like, I don't want to blame the victim here. The spider's like, quit putting your dick in my tank. I'm your pet.

This is my place. This is my area. You got me for this reason. But the web feels so soft on my penis. They can really carry a lot of weight. I want to stop. This is an Australian circumcision. That's what it is.

Spider bite to the penis. That's not a circumcision. I tried to find an image to go along with this. Was that an Australian accent? Fosters. Australian for big. Whenever you're done, I'm just going to yell at Sklar Brothers. I thought you were just doing an old man.

I tried to find a picture of anything related to this story. And then all I went down was a rabbit hole of other news organizations, in quotes, trying to make up their own thing. So this is what we have. Okay. No. No. Some segment producer was like, just give me a black widow and a guy grabbing his crotch.

I think the biggest tragedy is how blue those jeans are. That's a shade of blue that they stopped making in 1996. That is a corner of the album cover of Born in the USA. I'm convinced of that. That is the reason that the store structure went out of business. Those actually might be medical scrubs. And that's the doctor that the guy went to. He's like, oh, I can't treat you.

Dress for the tradesman you want. Not the one you are. Not the one you are. Not the one you are. Okay. The man was using a portable toilet. Of course he was. Who sits... Seriously.

We all in this room probably know, collectively, 40,000 people in this room. Okay. I don't think any of us know anyone who's ever like literally sat down on a portable toilet. Oh, Dan.

What? We're bookended. Dan. I'm from Rochelle. I don't care where you're from. You stand up on it. You hover. You hover over it and you drop stuff. I'm still mad at my friend Dave because when we were driving down the one one time,

we were stuck right in between where there's just nothing. There's no gas stations. There's nothing. And we finally saw a porta potty just sitting on like a viewpoint. And I'm like, I have to go there. I have no choice.

And as I'm in there, and it's like pitch black. It's daytime. You walk in, you shut the door. It's pitch black. And I'm hovering and then just kind of praying and outside, my fucking asshole friend Dave goes, Big Black Snake.

That's all he said. Dave. I was just like, you're done. Not talking to you for the rest of this trip. God damn it. Big Black Snake. I can't believe you've never played Sit in the port-a-potty. But whatever.

It's like one of our rides in Rochelle. No. No. I'll tell this story a different day. The man was using a portable toilet on a Sydney building site on Tuesday when he suffered a repeat of the incident. I i'm gonna ask you guys

how long ago do you think it it was between his first and second spider penis bites which guys you heard that sentence today yeah you left your house this morning i'll never hear a second penis spider bite you You heard it. I'm going to just say long enough to forget how bad it was. Okay. What's your guess? It's like having a baby. Like when someone has a baby, they're like, I'm never doing it.

Karen or Langer, do you want to go first, take third, fourth? I was going to say 11 days. 11 days. I'd like it to be a nice short window. Okay. Where he's like, no! Right as the swelling is going down, boom, that spider's back. Yes.

Same spider, same spot. And then he's like, is this my thing now? Yes. Am I this guy? Maybe I'm into it. Yes. Is this pain? I don't know what pleasure or pain is.

It's like the lottery. It won't happen twice. Yeah. Come on. Are you allowed to ask questions? Yes. Sure, yeah. You know what?

It's Dumb People Town. There's a lot of them. Yeah, please ask away. I think I've got an important question that will help me assess how long in between the penis spider bites. Yeah? Was it the same port-a-potty or a different one?

Different port-a-potty. Same spider. Well, no. That's why I asked. If it was the same port-a-potty, it would be a matter of days, because that is just a hungry, horny spider. It's the original silk stockings right there. Say it.

No. They're going to say it. All right. That's our brothers and all of your complaints to me. What do you think? She said 11 days. What do you got? I'm a little embarrassed. This has actually happened to me. What do you think? She said 11 days. What do you got? I'm a little embarrassed.

This has actually happened to me. What? Oh, come on. You worked on an Australian work site? You're the tradesman? No, he dated a spider. Let it finish. In Pennsylvania, we had a lot of daddy long legs.

That's not even like a weird penis. I'm going three days. Three days. Okay. Jason weird penis. I'm going three days. Three days. Jason? I'm going to say a year. A year? I'm going to say four months. Four months. And he just was like, I'm in the clear. This is not going to happen to me again.

John, when you come out here later, tell us in your heart what your answer was because I'm going to ask you and you aren't going to fucking lie to me. Well, you won't be able to tell because he's that good of an actor. That's why you have to ask like that. You have to force him. Okay. One of you

is very close. Please let it be me. You said 11 days? 11 days, 3 days? 3 days, a year, four months. I'm going to let a couple townies take a guess really quick. Anybody in the front row want to make a guess? Right here. What's your name?

Hi, Chelsea. Welcome to town. What is your guess? Six months. Right back here with your hand up. The next day. Oh, wow. Double header. Oh, my God. By the way, did you just say double header?

She should have started out with you fucking idiots. You fucking assholes. What's your name? Sarah. I really was hoping you were going to say the next day when I asked your name. I didn't get enough credit for calling it a double header. That was a pretty good joke.

It's a great joke. Way to force an applause for Randy. That doubleheader. That was a pretty good joke. It's a great joke. Way to force an applause rate, Randy. That must feel bad. It's got to feel bad. That's the most hollow victory ever. I'll take it. Not as hollow as his penis because it happened two days in a row. Suck the venom right out.

Why would a spider suck the venom out? I don't know. Now I'm dumb. It's a conscientious spider. He suffered a repeat of the incident five months ago. Right over here.

Right over here. Both of you guys were one month apart. I feel like the director from Roma. I won so much right there. Jordan. Although, by the way, I just watched Roma and spoiler alert, a lot of bad shit happens. I could see this happening

in that movie. Really? With someone being bit on the penis twice. Let me just say this, because his dick was out for like a whole scene. That's right, that's right. I'm like, I want a spider to bite it at this point because he's swinging a stick in front of her face. Okay, okay. Alright. I got very angry at how he mistreated her

later. By the way, Jan Flato is still waiting for Roma to turn to color. Okay. I'm just thinking of Jan Flato jokes. Okay. Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname. Tell everybody. Go on a tour.

You're a survivor. Said he was bitten on, quote, pretty much the same spot by the spider. That's like a knock on how small his penis is. That's only one spot to bite it. Look, look. The spider's like, give me something to work with. Jesus.

Where do I go? How about a little meat on the bone, okay? Bop, bop, bop. To be fair. Wait, the spider is doing a Dennis Miller impression? Come on now, babe. How about a little meat on the bone, okay? You're looking at me like I'm at Brisbane

Bay over here. Five months ago I was liberal. Now I'm not funny anymore. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Beep, boop, bop. Oh, wow. Jesus. Suddenly, I tracked the trajectory of Dennis Miller's career, and I'm a bad guy. It's not his fault. All I'm saying, a little more meat on the bone.

Okay, babe? Babe? The Dennis Miller spider. Maybe one of the greatest characters. So many arms. So many arms to go like this. And it went bam. When asked in an interview,

who does this? Okay. When asked in an interview, they should, instead of interview, they should have said a fucking joke of a question. Yeah. What do you think it is about your penis that makes it...

That is not a journalistic question. What do you think it is about your penis that makes it so attractive and delicious to spiders? No! And he said... Shame on you, Jim Acosta. Shame on you.

That's why you're not allowed back in the White House, bro. Come on, man. Come on, man. The answer is his penis is covered in flies. Constantly. Constantly. Just crawling with flies.

Constantly. And other than this, it's not a problem. It's a choice. It's what I like. Jordan's response. Why would you dignify this? Well, it's a question. He had to answer it.

Quote, I don't know. Just unlucky, I guess. That's as honest of an answer as he can get. Please leave my hospital room. You're not my doctor. Right. Quote, I was sitting on the toilet doing my business

and I just felt the sting that I felt the first time. Oh. Feels like. Feels like the first time. Feels like the very first time. Do you know it? No.

I'm just pointing to his guitar in hopes that he could do a version of it. Here's what's insane. I didn't think of that until just now when I read it and we thought of it together. All of us. It's like you're my twin, Dan. I don't even know what that's like.

It almost felt foreign to you in some sort of way. Doing my business and it felt like the sting that I felt the first time. Quote, I was like, I can't believe it's happening again. I think you were thinking something.

I was totally like, what? Imagine, you know, if he's a tradesman, you might not work with the same people all the time. You're waiting in line for this bathroom and you hear during work on this construction site, someone yell, I can't believe it's happening again!

I'll find anywhere else to go to the bathroom. He's not going to blame his dick because a tradesman never blames his tools. That was good. No, I liked it. Thank you. Thank you.

We'll allow it. You're funny for an old man. It's what? Crikey! Here's the scariest sentence in this entire story. I look down and I've seen a few little legs coming from around the rim.

From around? Rim of what specifically? I'm going to just say The Pacific Rim The film Great movie It's like an arachnophobia When you see the silhouette in the lampshade

Well you are We're all in this nightmare Together And you are going to look at your toilet when you go home tonight. And if you're listening to this, run. Yeah, what did he say? Oh, I look down and I've seen a few little legs

coming from around the rim. He's writing music lyrics and he doesn't even know it. A few legs from coming around the rim? Life is confusing. He said that being bitten the first time had made him wary of using portable toilets. Not wary enough.

He's still sitting all the way down on that. I know. To me, he's been bitten twice and still doesn't have magical powers. Come on. That sucks. Do you think, though, he walked in being like, it's not going to happen again. I can now sit on a toilet more than anyone.

But twice he should be able to swing from buildings with his dick. This is Into the Spider-Verse. There it is. Nice. 14 minutes and 17 seconds for whoever was waiting for an Into the Spider-Verse joke.

Great fucking movie. This day might have been the first day he stopped saying, it can't happen again. Right. Now he believes in love. Anything is possible. It will happen again. He thinks there's someone out there for him. Him and his dad might reconnect.

Like he walked out of there with a spider on his dick and said, it's all possible. And that's going to be the new inspirational business poster at his next trade job. It's just going to be a dick with a spider that says, hang on to there, baby, or whatever. Concentration, whatever it is. It wouldn't be concentration. Believe.

Quote, this is him still toilets got clean that day and i thought it was my opportunity to go use one wait yeah they're cleaning a porta potty yeah i mean australia's got it figured out gun control and porta potty they're trying to be on top of it. They're like, we actually clean these. That's why people want to use them. And he thought, today's the day. And he put his faith in, and trust in the thoroughness of a person cleaning a Port-A-Potty.

He was like, well, this person is clearly... But you know, he had been eyeballing, waiting for the cleaning day. He's been building up to this. I picture him rocky in that scene with Adrian, like, no, can't do it. I can't go back into a border plot. She's like, you'll do it, Rock. You'll do it. You can do it.

Wait, she sounded like Mark Wahlberg. Adrian sounded like Mark Wahlberg. Do it, Rock. You didn't know that? No, I didn't. Wahlberg did ADR on Rocky. Oh my god. What are the famous lines that Mark Wahlberg did as Adrian? What else did he? He's like, don't talk like that.

I don't know. That's my favorite line from Rocky III. Let's think of Adrian lines in that movie. Just win, Rock. That's one. I'm in a coma. She never said, I'm in a coma. She just went into it.

I'm in a coma. She says a line like, I'm in a coma. This coma is driving me nuts. I want to wake up. This coma is driving me nuts. I want to wake up. I mean, what's the deal with comas? She says the doctor told you not to fight. He says, well, he said I shouldn't.

He recommended I didn't fight, and I recommend that I do. And then she's like, I don't believe it. And then there's like another one. She needed, that doesn't pass the Bechdel test. No, no, no. She did say stop hitting him a couple times. Yes, yes, yes, yes, she did. Toilets got clean that day and I thought it was my opportunity

to go use one. Had a look under both seats and then I sat down, did my business. Next page. And boom. But it had this little crevasse underneath the actual bowl

so I couldn't lift it up to check. I thought I was safe and then obviously not. Next thing you know, I'm bent over in pain. The tradesman said he was not sure what type of spider bit him this time. Which I hope he just had a dick cop

who was like, then I don't know what you want me to do, man. You can't tell me anything about your attacker, so maybe you were kind of drunk and this is your fault. One of his colleagues took him from the work site in Northwest Sydney to Blacktown Hospital. Although many of his workmates were quick to see the lighter side of the situation.

He's going to be called spider dick for the rest of his life. I'm just happy it's not a New York. Hey, you fucking Spider Dick. Johnny Porto dummy over here. Hey, look at this fucking dummy over here. What, do you got a spider hanging from your dick? You didn't check the crevasse.

Why didn't you look into the crevasse? Hey, why don't you spin me a whip, you stupid? You arachno-fuckface. Get up here and lay a bunch of eggs with your dick. Quote, this is referring to his co-workers, other tradesmen. They got worried the first time. This time they were making jokes before I was getting in the ambience. I'm going to tell you those jokes

were probably hilarious. So good. The hospital declined to discuss the matter. They're the only people who know what to do in this time. We're not talking about them. Leave them alone. Jordan was released from the hospital and said he expected

to return to work soon, but was unlikely to be using the on-site toilet Oh, unlikely? He said He might, he may I mean Three times I think I'll be holding on for dear life to be honest, he said

The redback spider closely related to the black widow spider is distinguished by a long red stripe on its abdomen. Okay. If you were to see a giant spider with a long red stripe on its abdomen bite you, you're like, that's it. I'm out. I call everyone I know and I'm like, see you later.

It causes severe pain, sweating, and nausea. I know. I'm joking around. Okay. Although there are recorded cases of deaths from red back bites, none have occurred since the development of anti-venom in 1956. Okay, you ready for your second nightmare? Yes. So when that spider ran away because it's Australia,

did it go in the other direction down the toilet? Yes, it did. Yes, it did. It did. The other direction down the toilet, of course. I think that's... A port-a-potty in Australia flushes the other way. Thank you.

No, a port-a-potty in Australia doesn't flush the other way. It doesn't flush. It's just a hole. It's just a hole. I agree. I'd say it's a crevasse. Yes. All right.

I bet you that spider didn't run away because it was like, that's right, I fucking bit you twice. What are you going to do about it? It wasn't running anywhere at all. Come back here. Come back here, fucker. Bring your fucking dumb dick back here. I'll do it again. You do the running.

Maybe next time you won't be afraid to get in that crevasse. You do the math. This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. Thank you so much, Catherine, for sending this in. Love this gal. Tuck rule. No one else is going to say that after they hear this story. Okay. Oh, I didn't even realize.

Of course. An Australian woman. No. This is his girlfriend. We're going to get an angry letter from Will Anderson. Will Anderson, I'm sorry. This is your people. An Australian woman jumped off her seat after being bitten by a snake on the toilet.

No! Big black snake. You're right. Thank you. You're right. Helen Richards, who seems very nice in name alone. She is woman, hear her roar.

She's just giver. Helen Richards, when you leave the house, she reminds you of something you have at first. It was so great seeing you. And whenever you can return that pot, that'd be great. All right. We'll give it back to you, Helen, for Christ's sake. Helen Richards gets her hair set at the beauty parlor once a week.

She sends your welcome notes to people's thank you notes. Helen, can you come by later? I just wanted to run some... Or will you be getting your hair set at that time? I'm going to probably be at the beauty show. You're going to get it set again? You already got it set on Monday?

It needs to be set. Okay, fine. Jesus Christ. I am Helen Richards. Helen Richards goes up to people who are having parties she's not invited to and says, sorry, I won't be able to make it. Helen Richards is a redhead.

Oh, yes. By choice. By choice. And the carpet does match the drapes. That's so ferocious. She also, in her home, has drapes. She does. Helen Richards received a non-venomous strike in the dark at a relative's house in Brisbane on Tuesday. In the dark.

She's just crapping in the dark. She received minor puncture wounds from a 1.5 millimeter carpet python. That is five feet long. What? In the toilet waiting for your ass. Not millimeter. It has to be a meter. A meter. 1.5 meter.

1.5 meter. Oh, did I say that? Oh, it's five. Millimeter is this big. Yeah. You guys, this carpet python is scaring the shit out of me. You know what? It would. Who's a good little carpet python?

Who's the best little carpet python? Yes, you are. Get over here. Get over here. I'm going to put this carpet python right here. Handler Jasmine Zeleny. Which they run all together, so it looks like that's the full name, which would be a great Handler Jasmine Zeleny. Okay. They run all together, so it looks like that's the full name, which would be a great one.

Handler Jasmine Zeleny. No, Jasmine Zeleny. Jasmine Zeleny. You got two choices. You're going to be a stripper or a snake handler. That's what's happening. Or both. When you have a mother like Helen Richards,

you end up like Jasmine Zeleny. Yeah, for sure. Because you have to. Can you please spend time with the kids or are you getting your hair set again? If you would just get your hair set with me, Jasmine, we would have to spend time together. Well, God forbid I want to dance.

She retrieved the reptile. She said it was common to find snakes seeking water in toilets during hot weather. You ready for this, friends? This will be on the Facebook page sooner or later. Oh, boy. No!

Now that's what I call snaking a toilet. Doesn't it look like... I'm sure Jasmine is being very nice to this animal, but doesn't it look like they're in a full-on argument? Oh. This is like animal tug-of-war. Come on.

God damn it. Stop. Just stop. By the way, she is wearing the boots to fight that snake. You know what I mean? She's either going hiking or she's fighting a snake in her toilet. I want a picture for me to see because it looks like they're in a tug-of-war. This might have just been snapped as it very easily came out of the toilet.

But in our nightmares, this went for 22 minutes. Those boots tell me she doesn't even have male friends. She would prefer not to. But you can tell just by this. When Jasmine shows up, you're like, oh, this is going to be taken care of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The answer has pulled into the driveway. She's like, yeah. Wait, Jasmine, you got... Hang on a second, Jasmine. You brought no tools whatsoever? She's like, boom. I brought my tools. You can see both her hands, but you have to imagine

the cigarettes in her mouth. Two of them both lit. She's like, where's the beast? No, I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. I'll get it. Back up. I lived in Wisconsin for 10 years before I came to Australia. We're going to get this on, bitch. I'll get it. One of those people that like

Encourages the animal while fighting with it Oh you come on you're coming You got it We got you But there's also no way she doesn't have an ankle knife At all And when she got done To no one's credit in the room

She just went roll tide And it landed nowhere By the way her ankle knife went, roll tide! And it landed nowhere in that room. By the way, her ankle knife has a pocket knife attached to it. Oh, Jasmine. Jasmine beat somebody up with her thumb once. Okay.

This is what Aladdin should have been about. Yeah. Jasmine is if cargo pants became a person. I'm going to go on a limb and say, those are tradesman's pants. She is a tradesman. She stepped into that bathroom and went,

clear the area. And kept saying, give her room. Give her room. We're free to her and the snake. Give her room. Secure the perimeter. This may be the closest she ever comes to a water birth. I'm just going to say that right now.

I believe in her. Here's the next sentence that I love. Ms. Richards, who I imagine told them to stop fucking calling me Helen, told local media she had felt a, quote, sharp tap. Sharp tap?

Yes. Quote, I jumped up with my pants down and turned around to see what looked like a long-necked turtle receding back into the bowl. Where's your shell? Where's your shell, little fella? Where are you going, little guy?

How did you get in there? That's what she allowed herself to think. With Lewis and Home, I've gone back to a picture of the logo because I'm now going to show you what Helen Richards saw when she turned around and looked and said, what just tapped me? Oh, no. Oh, dear God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? What? What? What? Move. Move. Jesus.

I mean, in the snake's defense, there is not a lot of water. I want to try and understand this snake. The snake was just tapping on Helen's butt going, could you flush this so I could get some water? Right, right. Flush it. Really quick. I need air. My spider friend said there's dicks around here.

I don't see anything. What's your problem? This club sucks. One in, one out. Jesus. Fuck, that's scary. How is this called a carpet python? I don't know

And not a toilet python Also, this article keeps getting more and more formal Ms. Zeleny and Ms. Richards Jesus To me, sounds like an independent film That just got robbed at the Oscars Yes Ms. Zeleny said Ms. Richards

Had treated the minor bite marks with an antiseptic describing carpet pythons as relatively harmless. Guys, I'm relatively harmless. We all are. But if you try to sit on me, we're going to have words. I'm going to have to tap you. I'm going to do some sharp tapping. Sharp tapping the Gregory Hines story.

I did love that. Big fan of that documentary. That was a really good one. Big fan of that documentary. Punctuate it. Sharp tapping. I just had to loosen up my carpet python one millimeter.

Unfortunately, the snake's preferred exit point was blocked after being spooked by helen sitting down they're just saying helen's ass got in the way of where it wanted to be it happens a lot it happens a lot said her husband shut up dave they didn't ask you i just joined curves Curves. I'm working on it. Helen, call her, daughter. Just call her. You do these big ruses with snakes, seeing them, she'll come home.

Get your ass out of the way. This is why I love Jasmine Zeleny. Like any good animal handler, she's on the side of the animal. She says, it was spooked by Helen sitting down and it lashed out in fear. Yeah. What do you want, guys?

It's just lashing out. It's just a team. It's Python fear that we all feel sometimes. That Pythonic fear. When a big ass is over you. And there's no water in the bowl. No water in the bowl. My favorite country song. No water in the bowl, Pythonic fear.

Just give me a little bit of No water in the bowl, the country song. No water in the bowl, Pythonic fear. What is the music of that? I think we all know what the music is. Okay, fine. Would you like me to sing this? No, I don't know.

You don't have to. Just play the instrumental of it. Okay. There it is. No Water in the Bowl. That's it. No Water in the Bowl, Pythonic Fear. Thank you.

Langhart Slender. There's no water in the bowl. By the time I got there, she had trapped the snake and calmed down. But I don't believe that prevented Jasmine from saying calm down. No, no, no. She said it a lot. Actually, she says Helen

treated the whole situation like a champion. Carpet pythons are a common species along the east coast of Australia. They are not venomous, but I've never seen this. Oh, no, never mind. I do know this word. They're not venomous, but tetanus shots are recommended

for bites. You've never seen the word shot before? The way they did it, I was reading it and so that was another version of venomous. Australia has experienced a fortnight of extreme heat. That's what's happening at Jason's house with his young son every time.

Fortnite, the game that's stealing his 10-year-old son. Thank you. That has broken a dozen of records across the nation. Several wildlife species have suffered with reports of animals seeking shelter from the heat. That's nightmare number two. There we go. That's it. Alright, that's segment one. Down in the heat. That's nightmare number two. There we go. That's it.

All right. That's segment one down in the books. Stay with us. We got more with Karen Kilgareff and a special guest right after this.

Langhorne Slim is going to play a song for us right now. You play one of your originals, my man. When I was thinking of songs to play tonight, I didn't think that I would play this song.

But I shit you not. Neither did Helen. Well, all this talk about, which is one of my favorite topics, spiders and penises and snakes and toilets. You're among friends, brother. Yeah, thank you.

I have a song to sort of fit this theme. Let's do it. Love it. Here we go. Langhorne Slim. That's right, lady. Okay, here it goes. Look out baby From below This song is going to take on a new meaning

I'm so excited I love it. It's so... It's actually a lot better. Okay, I won't stop this time. Look out, baby From below Trouble's coming That's for sure

He might love you now But he'll devour you later Said he ain't your lover, honey He's an alligator I couldn't have made this up unless I did. Check this out. Everybody's bitten Everybody bites Everybody's trying not to get bitten twice

To rip your heart out Leave a hole the size of a crater Said he ain't your lover, honey No, he's an alligator. I heard you've been hanging down by the swamp. Don't you know

he's gonna eat you for life? The other words don't really fit it, but that was pretty good. I lied, it actually just repeats itself, so it does work just as well as it did the first time. I was like, okay, these are the thoughts that are going through my mind as I'm singing it, and they don't need to be spoken out loud. and they don't need to be spoken out loud. Look out, babe.

From below. Oh, what is it? Give me a second. Fuck. Look out, baby. From below. Trouble's coming knocking at your door He'll rip your heart out

He's a liar and a traitor Said he ain't your lover honey He's an alligator Oh, he ain't your lover, honey He is an alligator Langhorne Slim, everybody! Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town! Alright guys, should we read some names? Let's do it.

Let's read some names, and we are making the transition, as you know, to all of our Drip fans, over to Patreon. From D to P, from Drip to Patreon. That's it, and we are going to make it... Can you call it Patreon? Patreon? Patreon. Patreon. it. And we are going to make it. Can you call it Patreon? Patreon. Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.

Patreon. And so we're going to make it super easy for you. We'll send you guys an email and then you just click it over and put your information.

But also with the new Patreon there will be some exciting new offers and some new things. A new level that you're going to be able to give to and receive

other awesome stuff. We're going to get tattoos of certain people's names. I told you guys about that. Tramp stamps. You mean, how about Rush Rosenberger? We got some hitters on this list. Rush Rosenberger!

Hi! Hi, it's Rush Rosenberger! A little R&R. A little R&R. How about Will Patton? Will Patton going all the way. I just saluted you, General Patton. Especially being a city council member.

Right? Jamie Baker, what's up? Baker's dozen. That's it. Pillar. Nick Petri. I like that name. I don't know why.

It's not Petty. It's Petri. Sounds like a friend. Also pillar of the community. Austin Brungardt. Austin Brungardt. Brungardt. Sounds like a regal man from the 1800s.

Or sounds like any lineman who was on the Redskins in the 80s. Brungardt. Offensive line. Cindy Spence. Cindy Spence. Cindy Spence. I don't know why that's sing-song in there. Cindy Spence.

Went to. Can I try this next one? Yeah, go ahead. I got the William part. Uh-huh. I got it. La Riviere? Yeah, go ahead. I got the William part. Uh-huh. I got it. La Riviere? Yeah, La Riviere.

La Riviere! La Riviere! La Riviere! William La Riviere. This next one? Catherine. Catherine. Catherine, you're a city council member.

You are amazing. No last name. We appreciate it. Jacket required. Maybe that's her full name, Catherine, city council member. Let's call her Cat. Cat. Chris Burger.

Chris Burger. What's up, CB? I'll get a Chris Burger and a large fry. Do you want fries? I'm just going to get the lettuce and tomato on the side. I'll just eat some of yours. Dan, you got this next one. Deirdre Malurvey.

Yay! That sounds like a Harry Potter character. Deirdre Malurvey does sound like she can curve her body. How about James Spencer Holmes? I want to say the third. James Spencer Holmes, the third. Like had a fight with Hamilton. He's in Hamilton.

James Spencer. City council member all the way to the top. Robert Nichols. Nichols. Remember me. I'm Robert Nichols. What's that from? Or just that's what you feel? That's a Woody Allen thing. Joey Nichols. Remember me. I'm Robert Nichols. What's that from? Or just that's what you feel?

That's a Woody Allen thing. Joey Nichols. Joey Five Cents. Robert Nichols. Robert Five Cents. How about this? This is describe something and is a name. Did you hear?

This would be my drag name. Did you hear that divine noise? That's the name. Divine noise. Wasn't that the mom from Hairs That's the name. Divine noise. Wasn't that the mom from Hairspray? Yes. Divine noise. No.

What's the actress who played them? Kevin Huxford. Huxford. Huxford. You know. Huxford. If Kevin plays basketball, it's just Hux. What's up, Hux?

Hux. Up top. Hux. Up top. What the fuck are you looking at out there, Hux? Huxford. Jacob Fisher. Jacob Fisher.

Huxford. Huxford. Huxford? Huxford! Jacob Fisher. Jacob Fisher. The pillar of the community. Thanks, my man. And then Henry Niedermeyer! I mean, Niedermeyer! If you made Henry guess, what is the minimum amount of times people have made an Animal House joke to him? I hate it when people just call him by one of his names. Again, thank you to all you guys. We love reading your names. We love that you're a part

of this thing. We'll keep that tradition up as you join the Patreon. Look for those emails. Guys, this is how the Patreon, this is a way for us to create new stuff for you, more content for you, which we will have, and also a way for us to build a Jan Flato fund so we can get him back his money. We're building

it as we go. We'll keep a Jan Flato fund so we can get him back his money. We're building it as we go. We'll keep a Jan Flato meter on the Patreon page. Yes, you can see how much we've raised for him. How far we are to go. We really appreciate it. For those who are considering doing it, please do. It is so much fun and you get so much fun stuff.

So let's get back to the show. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. So happy to be here live at Largo. We're going to bump this show up a notch as if we could. I don't think we could. We're here with Karen Kilgariff, Langhorne Slim, Dan Van Kirk, Jason and I are here. Let's bring out our next guest to help us on these next two stories. He's just someone that we love so much.

You know him. He needs no introduction except for this introduction that I'm giving him right now. Please welcome our friend john ham everybody hammer don't hurt him. Tolerant. Get out of here, buddy. Tolerant, better looking in person. It's not fair.

Jon Hamm has done this show twice. You've never done it live. I'm so happy to have you here. I'm so excited to be here. Jan Flato, running through your brain. Jan Flato. This is my first experience with Jan Flato. It hurts the first time.

It's never going to be easy. Flato. It hurts the first time. It's never going to be easy. It doesn't feel like the first time. Just lean back and let it happen. Jan Flato. You guys might have heard this. We have not heard this about Jan Flato. Jan Flato bit the same spider on the dick six months ago. Wait a second.

He did it to the spider. Yeah. When Flato's attack. Has anybody made the observation that Jan Flato sounds like a character in the Star Wars universe? Like that that dude was somewhere at the bar up to no good. He was.

And he shot first. Like Psy Snoodles is not down with Jan Flato. No, no, not at all. Jan Flato arranged the horn section. He would. I think he probably booked the evening. He did. Well, you gotta talk to Jan about your money.

I don't know. Well, fine. I mean, he's gotta pay you. Oh, Jabba, I got his money. John, you don't know this. Jan Flato booked all the musicians for the Copa scene in Goodfellas and then got cut out of it.

That's true. That is 100%. He was friends with Fosse. I'm not joking. Plato. Plato and Fosse? Yeah. ABC's this fall.

Plato and Fosse. Tuesday's on Fox. It is the new Rizzoli and Isles. It is better. But it's a prequel. It's a prequel to Rizzoli and Isles. And we'd all watch it. I would watch it.

I would watch that. I would watch it. Everybody's got kids they can't handle on that show. On Plato and Foxy. Do you guys want to do this? Let's do a story. We got Jon Hamm here. I don't know why we wouldn't do a story.

Here's what I'm going to say. Tyne Daly plays both Plato and Fozzie in one of the greatest performances of all time. It's the role of a lifetime. And wins an Emmy for supporting and lead actress. It was the role she was born to play. I'm very excited for this next story because it continues a tradition

that I hope never ends in Dumb People Town this story was sent to me two months ago and I have sat on it like a person with a snake like an Australian on a toilet just waiting to get bit the fact that the two of you get to be here for this is

joy. It's magical. And I didn't even read it because I know what it is. And I was going through it today putting this together and I'm like it's beautiful. God bless it. I can't wait. You ready? Sent in first and maybe even only actually by Eric File

at Eric File. That's F-Y-L-E. Thank you, Eric Feil. You know what? Not as good as you think it's going to be. Listen. I saw the Hulu documentary. I saw the Amazon documentary.

Which one was better on the Feil Festival? I don't know. I saw the Bing documentary. It's better. No one's affiliated with it. No. Why is Bing making documentaries? The Crackle documentary. Was it good, the Crackle documentary?

It was great on Crackle. Was that good? I'm going to hang out for the Quibi one. The Quibi one will be good, but just wait until they get funding. You don't know if they have funding yet. Alright, here we go. I'm going to read it to you as it's written here. This is the setup for it.

With exclamation points. It's here. It's finally here. Every year it seems the big day will never come, but it's here. It's the day to gather with your family and your friends. And I would say, I'm going to add, and everyone in town around the hearth. This is about the Fyre Festival. Warm beverages and sweet treats at the ready.

And models. And have a party. 18 GoPros and Ja Rule without a shirt. That's it. Because I'm real. Yep. Are you? Yes.

And have a hearty chortle. Because we are about to go over, as we did just over a year ago all of the things that America stuck inside itself last year. Oh, yes. This is... Okay, so we did this last time. Weirdly, one of them was Ja Rule.

Ja Rule was stuck. Actually, why is Ja Rule, why does he not come out with Ja Rulers for kids? You're about to get a cease and desist. Come on, baby. So the first time we did this was live at Sketchfest. These are things that have been stuck into people. Let me just say, the last time we did this,

Scott Thompson was our guest, and he, to like 90% of you, was like, yeah, I see. I would do that. Yeah. We did it live at Skyfest. He did not flinch, is what I'm saying. We've never not done this story live, and I am so excited. It's perfect. That we get to do it again.

Oh. Is that a candy cane or an actual cane? It's an x-ray with a candy cane. Business end first. The little tramp had an accident. That's the second time that happened in five months to that person. This is... Why is your nose so bright?

Yeah. Mary Poppins uped up in there. That's just the stock photo that accompanies this article. I'm not joking. Oh my god. Yes. Candy can up the walls. So. I mean, it's still

intact. Let's just be honest right there. Which kind of makes it artistic. I don't think I would lead with the curvy end. I know. It just seems like an odd choice. If I'm just playing, I might go... You've got to open things up a little bit. Straight in first, then see what happens.

Maybe you make the turn. I don't know. You know they call the curvy end Amen Corner. But maybe this pelvis was auditioning an evening at the Apollo. Get out. Sweep them off. Get on the hook.

Public service announcement. I'll be vulnerable. Just so everyone knows, you don't need that to touch your prostate. No. All you need is intimacy. Love. A lot of trust.

It's beautiful. These are things America stuck inside itself and couldn't remove without the help of a trained medical personnel. It's not written, right? All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits. This is the fucking key. Ready? All descriptions are verbatim. And none of those things belong in there.

So the way that I am going to read it to you... Including Ja Rule. Especially Ja Rule. The way that I'm going to read it to all of you, and everyone here, and everyone listening, we're all in the town together, is exactly

how it's described in this database. And you sat on this for two months. You literally, and figured a list. And you sat on this for two months. You literally sat on this list. And it did not go anywhere. And it should not be. This will read like the greatest Christmas list ever.

I will tell you, all three of you, plus our stalwarts of the town. I know, but our three guests, you and Jason. You can jump in at any point. We can try to figure out if we want to And trust me It just gets better Here's what they've written here

As always objects are sorted By orifice working south Okay Sorry I would have gone south So in the nose, ear, or mouth first. We are starting. Talking head, read yes.

Okay. Thank you. We are starting. This is the David Byrne region. Talking heads. We are starting. At Sklar Brothers. We are starting.

This has already stopped making sense. You may ask yourself. Did you say stop making sense? You told me to stop making sense. Why such a big ass. Ear. Ear? ass... Ear. Ear? Necklace.

That, by the way, sounds more complicated than... Way more complicated. Unless it's like a chunky necklace from... Where does mom shop? Chico's. Chico's. I love that I said, where does mom shop? Chico's. Chico's. I love that I said where does mom shop and ham answer. Chico's.

We are from the same town. I know where your mom shops. If it's Midwest, where's mom? At an Avon party. You know the answer. From like two miles from each other. Chico's. Chico's.

A chunky necklace from Chico in the ear. That's like saying, where's my friend? You know, she's a teacher. She's at Ann Taylor Loft. You know where they are. Necklace in the ear. Unless it's a pearl necklace, it's going to hurt. Yes.

Wait a minute. Room turn. He deserved it. I put my kids to sleep tonight. Okay, ready? Let me make a pro necklace joke. By the way, Jason got here at 5.30, so he told his kids, you gotta go to 5.30.

Which is actually rather cruel. Go to bed. They open the windows and kids are playing on the Simpsons. No, it's dark. It's dark out. How does that not feel? No, it's dark. It's dark out. It's dark. Trust me. It's dark. How does that not feel? Okay.

Ready? Necklace. Number one. Next. This is in quotes. Placed crayon in ear on a dare. I feel like that could happen tonight. Yeah.

That might happen in the lobby tonight. You can't put that in there. I bet you can't. Quote. Was bored at school. Put part of that in there. I bet you can't. Quote, was bored at school. Put part of pen in ear. Okay. That kid's not graduating. No.

He did not. Drain plug. Drain? So the thing from the bathtub. Stopper? In ear? How big are these ears? I don't know. Jesus. How small is that drain?

It was one millimeter to stop the snake from coming up in. That's somebody who can't afford Bose noise canceling. Right, right. Perfect. Give me that bathroom plug. I can hear too much. 12 cents at Home Depot. Problem solved.

I need to sleep. This is how Nas listens to it. I promise. Next thing, Nas. I wish I ruled the world. Match. Match. A match.

Oh, okay. And remember, lit. It's not just in, like, oh, this is cool. I feel like asking, was it lit? I feel like that was like

a weird candling incident going wrong. Yes. Trying to get the wax out? They got all their products ready and turned their head. And they just dropped the match in. Son of a... I think... End of comb.

End of comb? Comb. You know how you comb your hair. Isn't that all teeth? Wide end of comb. Yeah. Quote, always puts toilet paper in ear when showering can't remove.

What? Like always does this. It's a tradition. You got your thing. I got mine. Tradition. Why is the shower different from all other showers? It's a cone in my ear.

I wrote it on my profile. You knew I was like this. I didn't think it would get wet. Babe, it's my thing. Floam. Floam? What is floam? Isn't that weird silly putty stuff?

Is that what it is? Yeah. It's like weird. Okay. Flum. Tapioca ball. Just one. Just one.

Now remember, only one of these they've said is on a dare. Weirdly enough, right after Christmas traditionally comes the tapioca ball. That's true. That's very true. You tend to go there. Oh, the British have boxing day. 27th, I think it is. Two days after Christmas, tapioca balls.

So these are tapioca balls that do not break down in any way. No. And only one. It just goes in and stays. Yep. As is. Next up. Don't eat that.

Toy Mouse. Toy Mouse. Toy Mouse. In ear. Better than a real one. That's very true. Yes. Here's where we start to take a turn

Popcorn kernels in both ears Feeds her ears Because her ears are hungry What? She's 27 years old Ladies and gentlemen She's the secretary of the interior She failed upwards.

Listen. She's in bed with the corn lobby, if you know what I mean. There you go. At Sklar Brothers. He doesn't have Twitter. I've got to go to you. We didn't do that. JohnM at gmail.com

Next up. Leaf. That's all I know. Weirdly enough, it. Next up. Leaf. That's all I know. Next up. Weirdly enough, it was Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf. Or a Nissan. Tampon.

Sure. That's obvious. I was waiting for that. I was waiting for that. Everyone gets their Iriad. John Hill. Yes, there he is. He's down.

He's down. He's down. He's okay. He's down He's down He's down He's okay He's okay Guys he's okay Something just Yeah That's right Something just came out of his ear

Someone just knocked him out there Someone made their ears popcorn tonight Googly eye Okay One googly eye One Googly eye. One googly eye. That's kind of fun. That's just fun. Glowstick. I'm saying I like this ring.

But how much do you like it? We're out of water. I can't hear you. Prove it. Quote. We are still in ear We can't get out There are so many more orifices

We need a medical personnel To help take us out of the ear portion Of this thing Piece of gelatinous toy that expands With water A dinosaur Like a spongy These two back to back These are two separate items Pearl A dinosaur. It's a dinosaur. Like a spongy kind of thing. What are these two?

Back to back. These are two separate items. Okay. Pearl. Pearls. Stop. Stop. Stop doing it. Pearl is the name of a little girl.

Hey, it's me again. Last time I called, it was about the one pearl. You wouldn't believe it. You're not going to believe that. Oh, you do believe that. I doubled down. Yes, my do believe that. I doubled down. Yes, my name is Brian. Drew, have I talked to you before?

Step away from your nice jewelry. Car key. Come on. Well, then you know where it is. Exactly. He's trying to turn his head on. I thought that ear was keyless entry. That's just for you right there.

At John Hampton. What? No. He didn't do that. Bug. Don't. Bug? Quote. Put bleach on a Q-tip to clean ear.

Chemical burn. Can't get Q-tip out. Bleach soaked Q-tip. I know. Fife dog. As our final thing for ear Okay Thank God Thank God

It's not gonna get better No We go to other orifices I'm gonna be dreaming About the ear I know You're gonna wish You're gonna wish

Oh remember the ear You're gonna wish It wasn't very good The floor's gonna break If I hit it again You go right down We're running out of ear puns, Stan Let's move on

If you're putting Bleach on a Q-tip To put into your ear And you get all the way through with it No one loves you Did you say you might be a redneck? Oh, I like that If you've ever...

Okay, here's the final thing for ear. Quote. Was cleaning ear with Q-tip accidentally walked into wall? Pushed Q-tip into ear. Oh, this is a crab. That crab did this to himself. That fucking doorway gets me every time.

All right, you ready? Yeah. Nose. Oh, Jesus. All right. Here we go. Rubber band. Don't judge.

Rubber band. Rubber band. This is actually my first hospital visit as a child. Rubber band in the nose? I was shoving something up my nose. What'd you put? What'd you put? It was a piece of foam, but I shoved it way up there.

Was it a foam finger? I'm number one. I'm number one. Just a random piece of foam, but then I shoved it up there, forgot about it. Sure. And then a couple weeks later, I had green snot just running, and my mom's like, I think she's really sick, and they take me to the emergency room, and the doctor is just like... It was kind of like the dinosaur sponge thing

where it's just like the longest piece of foam out of my nose. Were you like, oh yeah, I did put something up there. You know what, that was Tuesday. Busy day. Son of a... So this basically tells me just kids weren't supervised in the 70s.

Thanksgiving 1994, my brother coughed up a toy wheel. That's not a big deal. Well, get it out, son. What do you got to say? What are you grateful for? And my Uncle Ken's dad, Clarence, looked at it and goes, we sit here long enough, that kid's going to give us a whole car. All right, Clarence.

God bless it. I let Clarence God bless it I'm going to let Clarence have that one It's already crushing it Okay, rubber band Then we get right back to it Butterfly Come here, buddy Like nobody's happy with this

It's the cocoon no one wants Paint I don't know Pink vitamin Nobody's happy with this. It's the cocoon no one wants. Paint. I don't know. Pink vitamin. There's butt chugging. I feel like there's nose vitamin. You're supposed to break it up before you snort it. Yeah, you are.

Was pink vitamin in quotes? It's my vitamins. Cotton ball Tree nut His name was Harold And he's really into trees I've got a tree nut up there And he won't shut up How long do you think he just looked at

Alright How long do you think he just looked at him? All right, I'll just... And said, if this phone doesn't ring, this is going up there. And he just waited. He's like... It counts if you dare yourself. To himself, he said, Karen, you said I wouldn't do this, huh? Ready? Quote.

Sneezed and a computer keyboard came out of right nostril. No. A keyboard or a key? Hold on. Sneezed again and another one almost came out. Key? Not a keyboard, Dan. A keyboard key.

Sneezed and a computer keyboard came out. Key. Not a keyboard, Dan. A keyboard key. Keyboard keyboard key. Okay. Sneezed in a computer keyboard keyboard Michael Key. Keyboard Michael Key. Keyboard Michael Key. Jordan, peel it out of there. Strange enough, the two keys that came out K and P. And another one almost came out.

Gum. That would be the greatest. Ready for this? I'm going to do these in succession, three in a row. Gum, gum wrapper, gum in wrapper. That wrapper, jaw rule. Rule.

The way you said that was like Rain Man. Like you just listed that like... Gum, gum, gum wrapper, gum in wrapper. Definitely gum wrapper, wrapper gum. Next up, sex toy.

That's not how it works. Wrong spot. This one, I read this. I saw this one today because it jumped out at me. And I cannot figure out how this is possible. I'm still working on sex toy. We kind of glommed over that one.

Keep going. Pool noodle. Holy Jesus. All the way up and in. But how? But a pool noodle is so big. I bet it was like a piece of a pool noodle.

No. It just says pool noodle. It's a piece of a pool noodle. Wait a second. Is this the medical reports of giants? Yeah, I know. Then it is keyboard.

Because then, yeah, it is a keyboard and it's giant dildo and a thing. It's an enormous swan that a basic bitch wants. It is a keyboard and a giant dildo. It's an enormous swan that a basic bitch wants. I'm the basic bitch. I would think they'd say piece of pool noodle.

Because the next and final thing on nose is piece of steak. I missed my mouth, Jeff. All right? It's not as easy as you say it is I was starving that steak was coming fast and furious you ready you should see where the big potato is

the buffet line at the Sizzler doesn't wait on itself there was a lot of pushing and shoving behind me at Ponderosa I don't think people heard Karen said, you should see where that baked potato is. And you couldn't finish it either. I like to fly under the radar with the super duper stuff. Okay, here we go.

All I know is it went in as a baked potato, came out as a twice baked potato. There it is. That's our brothers with a thumbs up. Here we go for throat. The orifices are getting bigger. Banana. Chew.

Dan, I think that's peel on. Chew. All right, fine. Peel it first. Next up,astic toy banana I mean that makes sense Yeah It looks so appetizing

You're trying to decide Which one you like better A little bit Alright All this fruit At this At this open house Is real

We are And by the way It is delicious They say it's staged They say it's staged But I don't think so No no no You can put

You can put We're allowed to put it You can put the corn in your ears. And you can put the banana. You can eat the banana. This is the best open house I've ever been to. How fun is this, you guys? It smells like birthday cake.

We're not even looking for a house. I know. We just came in the neighborhood to see some cops. It's like we're like a family and we're seeing things. We just want to know what our house in the neighborhood is also worth. I love it because it's a closed concept. Closed concept. I say it because it's a closed concept. Closed. I say they should close it even more.

Like, voila, half of the dining room. You just got to walk around the outside. You're born here, you die here, you never leave. It's like, I want to see just a two-bedroom maze. I would love that. Can I put that peach in my ass? Try your nose first.

We're not there yet. Nose first? Okay. Get rid of that double sink. Save it for the pineapple. I want a single sink. Get rid of that double. Quote,

had wife's earring in his mouth and accidentally swallowed it. Stop it. That's a classic. That's fair. Yeah. That's a guy just trying to be funny. The next one isn't.

Christmas tree branch. That is not fair. You are correct. Wait, was that a koala bear? It's fine. It's fine. Hey. Happy holidays.

What? How do you even take it out? What I do. Toy horn. Toy horn? Toy horn. Jesus. Salt from salt lamp.

Like one of those Himalayan salt lamps? Yeah. And they put it in their mouth? Sure. What's a salt lamp? What's a Himalayan salt lamp? It's for spirituality. Yeah.

Yeah, man. Get out of your bubble. I'm sorry. You're supposed to eat it. Come on, hot clip. I'm fine. Jesus. That's Randy's name from Burning Man.

Okay. For those of you who don't know, Randy went to Burning Man. Most of you. Also, at Burning Man, he got a hot clip. And if you didn't know Randy went to Burning Man, talk to him for one more minute.

I know. You'll hear all about it. Let me just say this. You'll hear all about it. Let me just say this. None of you would fucking get it because you weren't there. It's where he got his mustache.

Randy, yep, he went for the spiritualness Like a person who went to Prague Just don't shut up Hey if I could shove the whole Playa down my throat I would Next up Mulch

What bet did you lose Quote Drinking coffee out of a chip dip Container that had some plastic seal in place and felt piece break off while drinking still in throat. That's how he explained it to the nurse. Very haltingly, though. Give me any sort of punctuation here, sir. No, can't use articles anymore.

I got this in my throat and I can't. Hey, you care about what I do with this chip dip container? It's yours. I love that guy. I can barely tell you have a trach. All right. Throat lozenge still in blister pack.

You're doing it wrong. We covered one of those recently. You're doing it wrong. Did they think it was going to dissolve away? Yeah, it all dissolves. These all just dissolve away. That's when you think you can't be surprised. Small transistor radio.

No. How small? How big is the giant? We don't know, Joe. This is just so general. What was it playing? A lot of conspiracy theories. This is just so general. What was it playing? AM. A lot of

conspiracy theories. A lot of conspiracy theories. I was playing Steely Dale. Peg. Weird little thing was playing

FM. FM. On AM. Mood ring. What color is it now? Just get it out. I'm angry.

Gotta go straight black. Angry. Angry. Steel wool. The last one on throat. This person needs to do a lot better about how they keep their food. Swallowed a quarter while eating peanuts.

That's actually the new diet on Goop. It's like a handful of peanuts, one quarter. You are not hungry for the rest You're so good Salt and the oil And the nickel And a nickel weirdly enough They combine

Appetite suppressant This is penis Okay We took a jump No belly button Doesn't matter No one has a feeding tube? No We took a jump. No belly button. Doesn't matter. No one has a feeding tube?

No. Where's all the feeding tube stories? Where are my feeding tubes at? Where are my feeding tubes at? Where are you at? Get your bags out. Get your bags out. Yeah. Alright, ready?

Penis. I can't do that because my mom had a colostomy. He can do it. It's okay. I'm the heiress to a colostomy back fortune, so I can make that joke. She can make that joke because she's going to come into a room. It's her side hustle. Okay, I'm sorry.

Legit. Stop it. I'm sorry. Legit. Stop it. Thank you. Thank you. I didn't yell at you. Yeah, but now for the lizard at home, that guy's leaving. No, he's not. Stay.

Please stay. It's my fault. All right, ready penis. Pipe cleaner. Ready penis. That's what the guy said with the pipe cleaner. Ready penis. Here we go.

The jokes write themselves. Try to clean this pipe. Straw. Straw. You know what? If you don't care about your penis, at least care about the environment. Can we get rid of these straws? I hope it was a metal straw. Collapsible.

This is in the penis. Domino. No. And I hope when he got it in, he said, Domino, motherfucker! Boom. I knew he was going this. What if it was a double six?

Was it on Blu-ray? Okay. Thin, electrified rod. Let's just keep going. It's like moments of this where I'm like, how does anyone get a tattoo?

That's that question. Turns out that was that guy's nickname. Electrified Rod. You know my friend Electrified Rod. He's thin. Well, mingle around. We're just at this open house. Don't get too close. Just poke your head in there and you'll be fine.

Some of these are the greatest premise for bits That any stand-up comic would want Here's the next one Quote, piece of hard white plastic That he broke off while working with crafts David loves his crafts He just loves his crafts Well he works a lot in like hard white plastic

I know That are sort of in like a dowel shape What is he doing up there for hours? I don't know. He makes them into different shapes. But he's up there for hours. Mostly he just breaks them and sticks them in his car. I didn't believe that. Accidentally.

They slip. He slips and falls. The problem is when you break up a bunch of dowels, you've got a bunch of little cylinders on the ground. You're going to slip and fall and shit's going to go into your car. This is up there for hours. You can't hold them all in his hands. This is where I say to people, I don't understand art.

Ready for the next one? Back of remote control. Oh. Great. Now the batteries are going to fall out. All right. That's what you're worried about? Metal?

He was changing the batteries. Where do I put this? Where are we going to put this? Metal paper clip. No. Oh, it gets grosser. This might be the grossest one. In the penis.

Fingernail clippings. No. What? Come on. Who in here hasn't thought of that? I just in my mind, when I said it, I just saw that. Are you, hang on a second. Are you clipping your fingernails in bed?

No. No. No. No. No. I'm not. No, I'm not. No, I am not. Show me where they are then.

Did you bring up water for me like you said you would? God. In my mind when I read it, I just saw that gif of Michael Scott telling everyone he hit Meredith. And he's like, Where was I? Oh, a horrible place.

You were at fingernail, Clinton, sir. Next up, toilet paper. That's not how you clean it. No. Pen cap. Oh, boy. Six to seven BB pellets. It's either six or seven.

I am locked and loaded. When I shoot these out, they're going to laugh. This is my closer. I'm going to win this college contest. That's right. 6 to 7. Was there 6 and a half? Lost count.

It may have been 67 and they thought they said 6 to 7. This is quotes. Put soap on electrical wire, inserted wire and penis. Why do you need the soap? Well, the lubrication.

I hear. I've been told that that makes sense. This is how abstract I work. I literally thought one end of the wire was in a bar of soap. It's soap on a rope, Dan. That's how they do it. Soap on a wire. Crack vial.

Also would have worked. Vial crack. Crafting string. Hang on, are you saying cracked vial? No, crack vial. Oh, okay, that's good. You're on board? I'm on board. Crafting string. Quotes. Fork, pen, and jelly Okay, that's good. You're fine. You're on board? I'm on board. Good. Crafting string. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Quotes. Fork, pen, and jelly wrapper. That's a threefer. Oh, jelly wrapper. Wait, what now? Ready for the next? Go back. Will you say that one again?

What was that again? Fork, pen, and jelly wrapper. What's a jelly wrapper? I have no idea. When you get those little jelly. Are they wrapping jelly now? like a smucker's packet. No, you're going diner jelly? Yes, diner jelly.

No, don't you do that to diner jelly. Hey, hold on a second. Dan, I didn't do it. This guy did it. Quick poll, because now I just care because it's in my mind. Let's start. What's your diner jelly? Strawberry, grape, or are you looking for some sort of apricot?

God damn, never. It's grape all the way. I'm a strawberry man. Grape all the way. You guys are twins. I think I would hold out for apricot. If you can get it,

you're the fucking queen of the diner. Are we talking about jelly to stuff up your penis? Yes. Then I am strawberry. I'm going to change mine to strawberry. the fucking queen of the diner. Are we talking about jelly to stuff up your penis? Yes. Then I am strawberry. I'm going to change mine to strawberry. Then I'm grape. I'm grape. Whatever he can get. He's fine.

He's so agreeable. He doesn't like to complain. Next up. I'll get the strawberry jam in my dick. Next up. Chain. Chain. The bigger in your mind, the better it'll be. Sorry, the Fleetwood Mac song, The Chain?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't love this now, you will never love it again. No, no. Never break the chain. That's a joke and true. Second to last one. She's so asleep right now.

It's so adorable. I know. It's wonderful. Don't wake her up. No, do not wake her up. No sleep shaming. A lot of people listen to this podcast to go to sleep. Yeah, that's how we do it.

We sleep all the time. That's right. Okay. I'm going to sleep. Second to last one. Pieces of plastic hanger. Stop doing it. Just don't.

That said, if you've got to get rid of a hanger. And the final thing for penis? It's called composting. 3M. It's recycling. Is that what composting is? I don't think it is. Such a weird... 3M command strip

plastic hook. Love yourself. Alright, ready? Vagina. Let me ask, just before we leave penis. Yeah. All of those things,

what were there, about 10, 12? Yeah. 15. What do we think? 80% of that was sexual in nature? Yeah. To get off.

I hope all of it was. Otherwise, what's the point? Well, yeah. It's unbelievable. It's to forget a child off. I hope all of it was. Otherwise, what's the point? It's unbelievable. It's to forget a childhood. What I'm trying to say is, guys, the spectrum of human sexuality is broad. It is. And exciting.

Isn't that great? You think it's going to be a very tiny area, but then it's just so much bigger. And then you meet a guy who clips his fingernails and sticks them up his dick. And you realize you've been wasting fingernails your whole life. You know what? Everything's okay with the world. So ladies,

if you are with a guy who's maybe not that expressive, think about this. Think about how bad it could be. Check that hole. Check that hole, girl. Check that hole. Girl, you better check that. It's Karen's new podcast. I'm sorry. You gotta check check that. Girl. It's Karen's new podcast.

I'm sorry. You gotta check that hole. Girl. Before you agree to get more serious, you gotta check that hole. You gotta check that hole, girl. Okay. I'll also say,

if you really care about someone, be prepared when you say, just tell me. Because thin electrified rod will not hold back. You're going to get more than you bargained for. Vagina. Speaking of checking that hole. Vagina.

Small child's toy. Throw it away. Was it connected to a small child? No, I hope not. And how small? I hope not. Baton. Baton. That's a twirler. She caught it. I don't know.

She caught it. She caught it. It was a cartwheel gone wrong. She is talented. She caught it. If that doesn't get a 10, we're leaving. For real. Oh, man.

I love Thailand. Okay. Colored pencil I'd be like Ma'am you just say pencil Quote Inserted a crayon in vagina Can't remember if it came out I was doing so many things that day

I was like Did I go to the bank Yeah I was coloring and then I was at the bank. You just want to get touched. Multiple cotton balls. No. Cap of deodorant spray. Secrets.

How did you forget to check that hole? Ladies, I got to remind you to check her hole. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. To be made for a woman's vagina. That's the secret. You're over on the side, but you're not out. I'm not out. I'm not out.

I've been moved out. I've been marginalized, but I'm not out of the conversation. Let's bring it back again. Domino. Motherfucker. Domino gets around. Pieces of a pen. Hereino. Motherfucker. Domino gets around. Pieces of a pen. Here's one

that scares me. Glass paperweight. Oh. Do not run. Hey, it's snowing in here. By the way, you know, let me just say, in the defense, there's a lot of paperwork in her vagina. You know what I mean?

You don't want it flying around. The wind is nuts. Make sure it stays. defense look like there's a lot of paperwork in her vagina. You know what I mean? You don't want it blowing around everywhere. Let's put it down. Make sure it stays. What are those? Your tax returns in there? Quote, had an egg vibrator come apart in vagina leaving part of it and batteries inside vaginal canal.

Are you finished? Artificial fingernail. I think we got a love connection. We'll be right back at 2 at 2. Beautiful. It's on you if you don't get it. Makeup brush.

Honey, it's as pretty as it's going to be. Let's go. Contouring. You look great, babe. Let's go. You look great babe Let's go Babe you look great We're gonna be late I'm just giving it a smoky eye And then we're out of here

And then we are out Quit shading it And I think this is hitting for the cycle tonight Toy plastic banana Oh Never touch a banana at anyone's house. Look, if you need

to get potassium, you just gotta find ways to get it. Penis ring. I know we broke up three weeks ago. I need that ring back. Well, good news and bad news. Good news, I'll never forget you. Good news, I'll never forget you. Bad news, I'll never forget you.

Hey, it was a promise ring. Okay. I don't know who puts these together, but they always know how to close. And this is Vagina. We have one more section after this. This is the final Vagina, which is a great movie

Final vagina Final vagina What if Steven Seagal Are you doing the final countdown? A paperweight A fingernail It's the final vagina In a time.

Vaginal countdown? Yes. You're not wrong. The vaginal countdown. Here it is. The final vagina. Quote. Try to hold it off until I'm done

Because you don't want to miss it But if you gotta let it out Let it out Quote Slipped and fell on a wet floor at home And also has had sex toy stuck in vagina For eight months Slipped and fell

Two separate problems One lady Slipped and fell during Two separate problems. One lady. Slipped and fell during the opening credits of Roma. Eight months ago. You're in the third trimester with this sex toy. I just love that even with it up inside of her for eight months, she still mops and glows. I think that's so nice.

Okay. Ready? Rectum. Let's turn it around. It starts strong. Let's turn it around. Let's swing it around. Do a 180 on this number. I'm going to tell you this. Before we start rectum, if you don't feel like you got

your money's worth by now, I can't help you. There's nothing we can do for you. You're unpleasable. There's so many people who are going to turn this on for someone they know. This podcast will be like, just listen to it. It's great. Jon Hamm is great. He's just clean, good, clean. This is like the time

that Jay did Curb Your Enthusiasm. It was like a simple scene. It was not a very dirty scene. Not at all. And then I told my mom and then she told our rabbi. Rabbi Bernard Libnick who to watch it with like I'm assuming his like rabbinical mentors

who were like in their 90s and it was the episode where Larry had a pubic hair stuck in his throat. So, and it was crazy eyes killer. So it's like here's some floor shit, motherfucking this. The whole episode I'm just imagining my rabbi

watching it. I'm like, this is fucking terrible for me. Well, I'm trying to tell people, play this for your grandma. Alright. Rectum. Out the gate. Christmas ornament ball. How delicate are you?

That is just... There's probably a little more words. But if it's the ball, just think about it. It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, and then it feels great. You know what I mean? That, you get over the hump. It's a metaphor for raising kids.

Next up, billiard ball. And then have it shatter in your butt. Next up, billiard ball. That's harder and shatter in your butt. Yeah. Next up, billiard ball. Oh. That's harder and harder and harder than it's hard. Eight ball side pocket? Eight ball back pocket. That's right.

Babe, we got to get more use out of this table. I'll show you. The kids don't even play it anymore. Nail file. Ooh. I know. Nope. No sharps. Nope it anymore. Nail file. No sharps. No sharps. Shot glass. This is

quote, crack cocaine with sex objects. That's a full night. That's just being creative. After you play pool and you decorate the tree, you're ready to go. What else are we going to do here? How great would it be

if this entire list was all one person? He says, what else are we going to do tonight? Well, I got some Kratko Canada text toys. You buried the lead. I'm going to do it now. It was the greatest tapioca ball ever. I just want somebody to recreate Wolf of Wall Street with.

All right, ready for this? SD card. Wow. What is so important on that card? No one's going to get it now. Quote. Jumped on bed. Toothbrush was on bed and went up

patient's rectum. You're a liar. You're a liar. It was just on my bed. It was propped up. Mom! No! I thought you were acting like the 911

dispatch operator and I was like you were acting like the 911 dispatch operator. And I was like, you're the best. Uh-oh! That's not what happened. 911, what's your emergency? Well, I jumped on my bed and there was a toothbrush on it and I sat on my toothbrush. No! Mom! Mom!

Mom! It only took me 11 jumps to do it. A 14-year-old running 911. Mom! What? Knock it off I'll send an ambulance when I wanna You don't need an ambulance You need to learn how to brush your teeth

You need to show Parents Quote Sat down on the sofa and accidentally sat on ballpoint pen Pen lodges in rectum No You already are down on the sofa and accidentally sat on ballpoint pen. Pen lodges in rectum. Own yourself.

You already are. Egregiously naked on things. Sat down naked 11 times on couch until it worked. That's what pants and underpants are for. To block any mistaken object. Not at Uncle Don's house. Quote. No, no quote. Not at Uncle Don's house. Quote.

No, no quote. Plastic pencil case. I don't even know what that is. It's from the 70s. When you're not keeping them in your butt. Marker. Green crayon. iPad stylus. It kind of went up.

How many were looking for that. These are all of us. We went from spears to now more of the... To spears. This person needs to learn the order of how to do things. Lube bottle with cap on. Open it up first,

Gerald. You gotta open it up. I said put it on. No, I said open it up first. No, I put it in. No, you gotta open it up. I said put it on. No, I said open it up first. No, I put it in. No, you gotta open it up. It's Lube. You said put Lube in me. You gotta open it up.

Isn't it a bitch that also, Lube, you open it up and then they have that other thing you gotta take off right there. And you're just like, forget it. Shove the whole thing up there. Just put it in my butt. It'll evaporate or something. This next one. I love that we all became characters from Making a Murder.

Get it up there. You know? He didn't do nothing. I couldn't find it. Whatever reason, it was in the upper Midwest. Did you put that up in your... I do what I wanna do, goddammit. And you keep telling me my boy's bad and he ain't. Well, why'd you put the lube up there?

Because I was trying to dig out a fish fillet, goddammit. Nope. Nope, I'm not hearing you. And you want the truth and you get it. Nope. Brandon, did you do it? No. Yes, you did, Brandon.

Brandon, if I look in your butt, will I find some lube? No. No. Yeah. Hold on. Yeah. No. What's lube?

Yeah. Okay, ready? All right. This next one, this person had been eyeballing this for a while. Oh, God. You don't just one day. Wait, is it eyeballs? I can't do it.

It's great. Just three words that go together perfect in the butt. Leg of telescope. Well, now you can see your anus, David. There you go. Jason,, David. Yes, yes. There you go. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes. Oh, look it. Oh, look it. I can do that. Oh, look it. Somebody's lost their son to video games. I lost my son to Fortnite, but I gained a dance. Worth it.

Plastic cigar holder. Quote. Wait. It's a boy. Does it hold plastic cigars? Like a big jokey comedy Halloween cigar? This one? This next one?

It's made of leather. It's made of tea leaves. Made of cigar leaves. This next one is quotes, and it is an entire story. But it's one sentence. It just, you go everywhere. Pushed drugs up rectum using a lighter. Was able to retrieve the drugs bag, yet believe lighter got stuck.

How do you get it around? How does it go in second and end up in first position? Call that the old bait and switch. Plastic pill bottle. Travel-sized mouthwash bottle. Travel sized mouthwash bottle But no mouthwash right? Someone was traveling I know I want to make a carry on joke

Small shampoo bottle Full sized shampoo bottle Of course Full sized aerosol can Oh my god No I call that the no zone layer sterilized aerosol can. Oh my God. No. No. I call that the no zone layer.

We're going to go back to back on this. Here we go. Golf ball. Two golf balls in bag. In a golf bag? The whole thing? I'm my own caddy. That's not a

ball washer, Steve. Here we go. I'm just going to read it as is because it doesn't... I can't work it out entirely, but usually that's me. Quote. Took a soda bottle with fireball whiskey via his rectum. Stuck bottle in rectum and squeezed.

Yeah. It all makes a lot of sense to me. via his rectum. Stuck bottle in rectum and squeezed. Yeah, sure. It all makes a lot of sense to me. I hope that works its way into his vows. I think they're doing that in Mount Washington now. That's a very cool little thing. Plastic pill bottle. We already had that. Seven ounce beer bottle.

That's a little front. Bar of soap. Candle in condom. Well, he's trying to be safe. Yeah, I know, right? I don't need any little Yankee doodles running around here. Candle in my wind. This next one's tough.

Squirted mixture of bleach and water into rectum wanting to prevent AIDS. Well, that is how you do it. Succeeding in preventing AIDS. Light bulb. I've got an idea. Oh! This is where I hate myself. That's why.

I'm just happy we didn't wear a shirt that was exactly like that. I know. They're in the plaid family. Handle of broom. Just the handle, Dave. Fair enough. Sounds like the beginning of a witch's spell. Handle of broom. Double double fun day of doing chores.

Look, I run around like this backwards. Look at how he's sweeping everything. He got all of it. He's getting everything. He got all of it. He's like a Roomba. And if you're filming this show, you just got the best gif.

Cell phone. Hello. Keychain with flashlight and battery. That's when you tell your friend, I lost it. Hold on a second. Let me fart and we can turn a light on. Okay. Two more. This one's rough.

Has vibrator in rectum and tried to remove it with screwdriver. Ooh. Phillips or flathead? It was Phillips. Thank you. I did that for my wife. She would know. Remove it with screwdriver and lacerated rectum. Object It was Phillips. Thank you. I did that for my wife. She would know. All right.

Remove it with screwdriver and lacerated rectum. Object in colon now. Oh. It's more of a semi colon. Is it object in colon now? Thank you. That's a punctuation situation, Joe. John Hamm. Yes.

John Hamm, the punctuation police here. I'm just trying to make sure. No, no, it was good. Now I'm going to say something that's a little bit of business. We've been on a long journey together. Yes, we have. And I love doing this show here. Should we save our townies for the next time we have a show?

I think we might have to save them. We're going to lose the room. I know. Well, we've lost this room, but I think we're going to lose the space. Yes, yes, yes. So if you brought one, we'll get you on the next one. I promise. Do this last one, and then Langhorne's going to do one more song. This is ridiculous.

You guys have been fantastic. You guys had fun so far tonight? I mean, come on. Come on. No-uh! No-. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh. Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh. Mom! I love all of you that brought stories,

but once a year, we gotta go through this. I mean, you can take your story and stick it in your... And it'll make next year. Seven stories. We all went through this together in and out of every single, well, more just in. In and every single hole.

And this is the final one that they've given us. And somehow, it's beautiful and perfect. I leave you with the final thing we got stuck inside ourselves. In 2018, in the butt, four words. Significant amount of string. That's just great.

That's a spool right there. All right, take us home, brother. Guys, that is our show. Thank you so much. Stick around. Langhorne. Langhorne Slim. Karen Kilgar. John Hamm. Danielhorne. Langhorne Slim. Karen Kilgariff.

John Hamm. Daniel Van Kirk. I'm Randy Sklar. That's Jason Sklar. Langhorne's gonna play us a song. One more song. You guys will be outside right afterwards. Thank you guys. Langhorne, take it away, my man. Take us home, brother. Real quick, I was kidding earlier

when I said that I had been writing songs for your show for many years, but I thought I was kidding earlier when I said that I had been writing songs for your show for many years. But I thought I was kidding. But it turns out I strangely think that I have been. Okay, here we go. Without realizing it. Without knowing. Yeah.

So this is a song that I wrote. It was about a three-year period that I was sticking various things in parts of my body. And when I stopped, I wrote this. And so it's been a pleasure to be on the stage with these beautiful people and to share so much about myself in my music. So thank you. It's not really like a rousing song to end it,

but whatever. Here we go. Things could be stranger, but I don't know how. I'm going through changes now. We could spend a lifetime trying to figure it out. I'm going through changes now. That have just begun.

Under a purple sun. There's many reasons we are what we've become. I'm going through changes. Ripping out pages. I'm going through changes Ripping out pages I'm going through changes now Is it bad that I'm picturing pages in my butt? No, that's what you should be doing. That's exactly why you ripped them out of.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sometimes people do ask me what these songs are about and finally I feel free enough to admit it. I knew it once but I forgot. I'm going through changes now We want everything but what we've got I'm going through changes now Or maybe it's too soon Under a purple moon But I'd ride off with you in a big balloon I'm going through changes, rattling cages

I'm going through changes now guitar solo Things could be different But I don't know how I'm going through changes Through all of this strangeness I'm going through changes now Thank you. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Oh, shit. We got to go back to work. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody.

Thank you. Oh, shit. We've got to go back to work. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Star Bands Audio, a podcast network.