Dumb People Town - Karl Hess - Going Everclear

Episode Date: September 21, 2018

Comedian Karl Hess (Yelling About Pâté) joins the guys for a DPT minisode to discuss a story in which a woman spends quite some time fiddling with her rear end.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band, with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population Hesse!

Hey! Oh, Hesse. What's up, buddy? Welcome to the show, buddy. So good to be here. I'm so excited to talk about the dumb exploits of dumb people with you. I'm so ready to hear about these dumb exploits. Because we believe that the world is getting dumber. It feels like it is.

Right? I mean, if it's- You go out and- When you go out into the world, you do a great podcast about sort of chefs and food. It's a foodie comedy podcast, if you will, Yelling About Pate. That is what it's called. Phenomenal.

You've done like a handful of 50 episodes already. Yeah, we're on 52 right now. Nice. We don't have a group intro like that, though. All your guys, you guys doing that, I was like, wow, I need to step up the intro. Yelling About Pate. See if it works. Or it's all whispering.

Pate. I think that would be great. Fat Tay! See if it works. Or it's all whispering. Fat Tay! I think that would be great. But I wonder, I'm sure, that the chefs you talk to, and I'd be really interested to hear, and I would love to get your take on it, is like, have the clientele gotten dumber or shittier or worse to deal with? Or more demanding? Yeah. Taking pictures of the food?

We actually talk about this a lot because a thing that's happened in the last five to ten years is the advent of open kitchens. Oh, yeah. So back in the day, chefs weren't really exposed to the clientele. And now every cool, hip restaurant, for the most part, has an open— You want a table? Yeah, you want a table or even like the— Right, the chef's counter.

That's right. You're right there. So it's only been a recently modern development that you can interact with the chef. And every chef will have some story about someone who's like sitting there at the chef counter. And just like for the most part, people are cool. Like, you know, for the most part, you want to think that. But like every chef has a fucking horror story where it's like they're just like, why are you talking to me? I'm at work right now.

Stop. Stop this line of questioning. I don't to me? I'm at work right now. Stop this line of questioning. I don't feel comfortable. I'm chopping radicchio right now. I'm over here doing matchsticks with this onion. You stand back. Please allow me to.

We talked about this that when someone orders a Caesar salad and they make it by the table, that's supposed to elevate the experience. It's like, no, I already feel bad that you're working for me. I don't necessarily want to know.

Just eye contact the whole time. Arms folded. I'm the opposite. I want to lock eyes with the man who's making that dressing. Oh, it's fresh. You mouth the words, I want to fuck you. I want that inside of me.

I want to get that in Caesar inside of me. I want to get that inside of me. I think another aspect that's a more recent development is all this food allergy stuff. So you'll have people asking if something's gluten-free that would never contain. Is there gluten in this corn? It's like, you don't know how gluten works. That is not gluten. You need to do some research on this topic. Gluten is not in corn.

I love it. So Yelling About Pate, that is the podcast. I want everyone to check that out. But now we have a story sent to us, and we've got to get into it, and it's your mini of the day, and we hope this sends you into the weekend in a great way. But, Daniel, what do we got? Ready? Yeah.

Here we go. I'm going to read you the headline. First of all, let me say it was sent in by Justin Roth at Joth11. Sent so many stories. Thank you, Joth. I appreciate it. Joth11 does sound like a Star Wars character that they tested and then they said no. People didn't like him.

People aren't ready for this. Is he a monster or is he a planet? That's what I feel like, too. I got that planet vibe as well. Yeah, maybe that's why. Joth11 could be one of the moons of Hoth. Jay, we're in sync. I was thinking moon, too. I got that planet vibe as well. Yeah, maybe that's why. Joth 11 could be one of the moons of Hoth. Jay, we're in sync. I was thinking moon, too. Thanks, brother.

Joth 11. There's a space station on Joth 11. We'll be there and we'll reload. Exactly. Thank you. Joth 11 probably is gamertag. I'm sure. Joth 11 is where you come out of hyperspace.

Set it down on Joth 11. We got to refuel. Set it down. Okay, ready for this? Thank you, Justin, because you hashtagged Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk, which is how if you're the first one to send it in, you get named on this thing.

And if I ever get it wrong, I'm just a man doing his best job. Do you want a Star Wars riff on your name? You better tag it up. Here we go. Tag it up. Here's the headline. Woman spends, quote, quite some time. So not a lot of time? Quite some time.

But I know it's in quotes, so what are we saying? I know. This is what I love. I think the headline is saying that's a quote from the article. Oh, okay. Yeah, direct quote. Woman spends quite some time fiddling with rear end. What?

Now, to me, I hope that means she literally played Devil Went Down to Georgia on her ass. There you go. Or maybe it's the sequel to Fiddler on the Roof. Fiddler in the ass. Fiddler. If I was a rich man. I think they were making that. Did she get two?

Premiere of the deuce. Yeah. Maybe it was Just Enough Time. You don't know how long it takes down there. Just Enough Time was one of my favorite bands. Okay. That to me sounds like a, not a 311 song. No, but a Third Eye Blind album.

Just Enough Time? Third Eye Blind album. I thought New One was actually pretty good. Just Enough Time. Have you heard Just Enough Time? It's pretty good. It's on the cover. They're like trying to fiddle with this ass, my friend.

I'd listen to that song too. Take time to play with my behind your living in. You know what I thought you said was Third Eye Blind app. The app that everybody has. The one we're all familiar with. Third Eye Blind should make an app.

Just so people can ironically Everyone in Silver Lake would ironically have it on their phone. Do you have the third eye blind app? I got the Smash Mouth app. It's great. Really? I open it every morning. Somebody! That's your alarm. Your phone rings and you get that? You would wake up.

I'm sorry. I'm fucking up. We're going to get tweets from people being like, that's in my head all day now. Sorry. Is that good. Also, we got another Greenlee. Oh! Explain to Carl who Greenlee is.

He's a reporter for the TC Palm in Florida. He's on the Dumb People beat. His name is Will Greenlee. Will Greenlee. Right. And he is, he likes to, and as you will see, Carl, he likes to insert his literary style onto the world of dumb people. He's a prose stylist.

He's the Ernest Hemingway of dumbness. It's called Off the Beat with Greenlee or something like that. And he just does bad news stories from Florida. This guy's a goldmine for you guys. It's a Greenlee, as Patton Oswalt said. It's a Greenlee. We know it's a Greenlee. We know it's a Greenmine for you guys. It's a greenly, as Patton Oswalt said. It's a greenly. You know it's a greenly. It's a greenly.

They write themselves. This takes place in Indiantown, which does not feel appropriate to say. Hey, you going to Injintown? No, it's pronounced Indiantown. That's like an old-timey town where you can get that 1800s picture of your family. Right, exactly. Your head through a little board that's painted like a racist, savage caricature. It's like in Indiana where they have Brownsville right next to Whitestown.

No. Yes, that's real. I know. It's outside of Indianapolis. I know. It used to be called Redskin Town, so they lobbied successfully. So finally it's Indian Town. They're making some changes.

Right, it's an improvement. Indian Town. A woman jailed on DUI and drug charges got in more trouble after investigators report she spent quite some time extracting stuff from her rear end. What? Extracting? Okay, we're talking about a prison wallet situation. I see.

This is passing. A legitimate fanny pack. By the way, and if you were to call it the mule of Indiantown, that to me is an indie movie. That's a Willie Nelson. That's an indie movie.

That's an Indiana Jones comic book. Francis McDormand is the mule of Indiantown. It's like a Vincent Gallo movie. Martin County Sheriff's, which is a county sheriff's office based off the TV show Martin. I loved that show. I loved that show so much. Unbelievable. Martin County Sheriff's Officials, about 2 p.m. on July 9th.

This is midday. We almost never get stories. Like, we'll get end-of-day drinking, like 6 or 7 o'clock. 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. That's the dumb people town threshold. You're past 6 p.m. Should we announce that, that that shirt is coming out? I thought we did already.

We'll announce it again. 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. That shirt is coming out. Yes. I love that. It says dumb people town on it. You get it. It's true.

It's in a beautiful red. You can wear it around. You can let people know that you're a townie. It's not really saying your behavior is that way. You're just saying we recognize this as a truism. It's the time when you either go to sleep or start making

terrible decisions while you're there. If you've been drinking all day. Okay, so if that is the adage, then what is 2 p.m.? 2 p.m. is about 11. Yeah. I know, but see,

that's the weird thing is because we'll do stories that take place early in the morning and we're like, well, this is a carryover from all night. Yeah, it could have been a carryover. But 2 p.m.

2 p.m. feels like a no man's land. If you're still awake the next day at 2 p.m., anything can fucking happen at that point. You're just living a kiss song. Yeah, it could have been a carryover. But 2 p.m. 2 p.m. feels like a no man's land. If you're still awake the next day at 2 p.m., anything can fucking happen at that point. You're just living a kiss song. Yeah. You just... You're pulling shit out of your ass at 2 a.m.,

at 2 p.m. I love how much singing is in this podcast. I just want to say that. It's just in this one. And she's pulling like, when literally like you know that phrase, like he pulled that one out of his ass, she was literally pulling it out.

She was literally doing it. What came out? About 2 p.m. on July 9th, they encountered Leona Hubbard during a traffic stop in Indian Town. Elle Hubbard. Yeah. She was in, for some reason... Like her middle name is Rhonda? Right.

I don't like to talk about that. Elle Rhonda. Elle Rhonda Hubbard. Leona. Rhonda Hubbard. Oldonda Hubbard. Leona. L. Rhonda Hubbard. Old Mother Hubbard. L. Rhonda. What's in your cupboard?

L. Rhonda Hubbard. We're about to find out. My book is called Drinking Addicts. It's a fucking religion. Look, there are a lot of thetans in my ass. My book is called Wine Addicts. My book is called Going Everclear. There it is.

We got there. Daniel Vandler. We got there. Professional comedian, folks. This next fact of this story, for some reason, tells me a lot about her. She was traveling erratically when deputies pulled her over driving a Chevrolet Trailblazer. Oh, yeah. Right? Erratically when deputies pulled her over driving a Chevrolet Trailblazer. Oh, yeah. Right?

Erratically is probably generous. But the fact that it's a Trailblazer, that and the GMC Jimmy have a specific place in this country. You can really picture it. Oh, yeah. And she could easily have been saying, I was just blazing a Trailblazer. That's what she's doing. As far as ass play goes, she is a trailblazer for some reason like every trailblazer I think of

is from the early 90s to late 80s and it's like black with some sort of like gold on the side you're talking about the Portland trailblazers

yes exactly she is the Rosa Parks of people taking stuff out of their ass she's not the her ass is the back of the bus and she's pulling it all out

she refused to get up and stop taking her favorite app. Exactly. And every Trailblazer is used. Even when you bought it the year it came out, it was already used. It's never been a new one. It's never been a new Trailblazer. This is straight off the assembly line, but it's used?

Yeah. There's gravel in the seat. What are all these stains? Don't worry about it. Check out this brand new pre-owned. Wait, this came from the factory, and there's a pair of Varney sunglasses in here that don't belong to me. Those are actually these stains? Don't worry about it. Check out this brand new pre-owned... Wait, this came from the factory and there's a pair of Varney sunglasses in here that don't belong to me. Those are actually mine. I need those backpacks.

Brand new pre-owned Trailblazer. Oh, man. I got Trailblazer stories I could tell off mic. Like jumping roads. It was bad. Okay. Where was I? A deputy reported smelling burned marijuana not fresh burned it's gone it's inside her man spotting a vape leona hubbard's eyes were glassy her speech

slurred records show hubbard said she'd been at the doctor's office where she received botox injections is that how that goes yeah it is wet. That's actually a really good excuse, though. Like, you look high as hell. That's all Botox. Yeah. I'm crying right now. Tell that exactly. I am clear as a bell.

She said she was taking Xanax and other medications for medical treatment. So she's trying to cover all of the... She's like, I can do this. I can get out of it with this story. You know she thought she could talk her way out initially. Oh, yeah. This this. I can get out of it with this story. You know she thought she could talk her way out initially. Oh, yeah. This is what I love. She agreed to take field sobriety exercises, which is always the first mistake.

Never agree. I'll do it. I'll do it right now. What do you want me to do? No, no. She definitely is. You want me to say the laugh of that? What'd you call it?

What'd you call it? I didn't say it. You said it. There's definitely a moment where she was like, are you saying I can't do it? Right. Yeah. No, she didn't do anything, and she's like, what else you got? Right.

You haven't started the test yet. You haven't done anything. I have to step out. I don't think you've done anything yet. Actually, I pulled you over. That doesn't count. Step out of the car. You do it first.

I'm not the one who goes. You do it. Okay, I'll go, and then you're going. You do it. You touch your then you're going You touch your nose Come here, touch my nose You touch my nose, I'll touch your nose Ma'am, step out of the car We're out of the car

You're still in it I love this So she agrees to take field sobriety exercises Saying she could perform the tasks She noted This is what I love so she says i'm gonna take your fucking exercise i can do it i can do it i can do it she then says she just say you know she says she couldn't put all her weight on her left leg and had a boob job

weeks earlier but was okay but was okay i'll do I'll do it, but here's a couple caveats here. Right off the top. You gotta know two things about me. I can't put any weight on my left leg, and I just had a boob job. But I'm okay. Right. She's ends with that. And Botox, and some Xanax.

But I'm okay. If the laugh of it consists of me standing on my left leg and using my boob job. Then I'm not gonna do it. Right. Now, if you want me to sit down and make groaning noises while I throw up. That's a test. I'll pass that test. Here's my question.

Was she referencing the boob job as if to say, want to see him? Right. And then I get to drive away? Right, exactly. Or does she think that's related to her leg? I think she's like, I can't do, I think in her brain she thought, I can't do anything really physical. I got some handicaps over here. I can't do the nose, arms apart.

I can't balance on one leg. I can't balance on one foot. Yeah, new boobs. Your equilibrium is way off. I went in through her left leg to replace her boobs. After participating in the exercises, Leona Hubbard was arrested on a DUI charge. No surprise there.

She did not pass. There's two things at the end of the sentence I'm about to say that are going to tell you a lot about her. Deputies reported finding items including vape pens, hash oil, and here we go, brass knuckles in a pocket. Yes. Yes. No one owns brass knuckles that doesn't want to fight. She is ready to rumble at all times. Dude.

But not just rumble in a current day sense, like in the book The Outsiders. Yeah, exactly. Guys, you know how Indian town is. You have to be ready to throw down at a moment's notice. If I see a group of socials coming my way, I'm going to start pounding some ass. Yes, he's about to stay golden, motherfucker. Like, if you own brass knuckles, take inventory. Because no one who's doing fine has brass knuckles.

You got some gangs of New York shit at that point. Yeah, or like, you just, you're like, you want to fight, and you want to kill somebody. You don't own brass knuckles just in case. Like, I can understand owning a gun just in case. Brass knuckles are a proactive measure. That is like, I'm starting this fight. That's right. I'm finishing this fight and I'm starting this fight.

And I'm starting it. Because, I mean, even just if somebody's like, yeah, if you know what a fist pack is, if you've got something in your car to use as a fist pack, you're half a step below brass knuckles. You're saying, I know a fight's going to happen and I'm going to be a part of it. Well, good for her. She's a single woman. Good. Yeah, Indian towns are up. At the jail, a corporal reported Hubbard tried to put

something in her rectum. Now I'm going to finish this sentence. Oh, God. And this is where Greenlee really starts to shine. Okay, come on Greenlee, show your Pulitzer Prize. A corporal reported Hubbard tried to pull something from her rectum, the last section of the large intestine

that ends at the anus. Oh, wow. Thank you, Greenlee. Letting everyone who's already a human know what a rectum is. So, here's the thing that I think Greenlee suffers from, and we saw this in some of his other articles. He thinks that he's writing the article

for the woman who was arrested. Right. Or an alien. You're writing for a bunch of people who are actually reading a newspaper. You can assume a lot of stuff about those people. Basic knowledge of the general public. If you've picked up the TC

poem and you're reading it in Florida, you've already separated yourself from so many other people in Florida. Basic rectal knowledge can be assumed. You know what a rectum is. 80% of Florida thinks the news is TMZ. The rest of Florida, if they're reading the paper, you don't have to tell them what a large intestine is. If they don't have the TC palm, they're off arguing with people on Craigslist. Yep. Thank you.

So at the jail, she tried to pull something from her rectum, which we just learned what a rectum was. Quote, he stated she'd been at it for quite some time. Deputies then fished out two plastic baggies from the toilet where Hubbard was sitting. Dissolved pills were in the toilet. Leona Hubbard said

quote, nothing was in the baggies. Uh-huh. Just empty ones in case that you keep. Look, I stick bags up my ass because how often are you like, where are my bags? Where are my baggies? I want an empty bag. I want an empty baggie, and I want that possibly to put my- Do you think I have pockets?

Quote, I point, this is the corporal, whatever. I pointed out that no one would attempt to hide nothing and asked what was in them. So he feels like he's checkmated. That's just good policing. And asked what was in them, a report states. A report is a written or verbal account of a memory or incident given to convey information after the fact. That is not true. I made that point.

I was going to say. Dan, Dan. You almost. You tried to greenly, greenly. convey information after the fact. That is not true. I made that point. I was going to say. You almost... You tried to Greenlee Greenlee. You can't do that. I'm not familiar with Greenlee. I didn't know about it. You are now. She, quote, she refused to tell me and stated

they were empty bags. I'm not telling your ass again that this is coming out of my ass. We're empty. Empty bags typically are stored in pantries as opposed to rectums. That is not true. That's Greenlee. No, it's not. No, it's not.

We might start a new game, Greenlee or Dan. It's a good game because I can't fucking tell. I'm going to read it to you in full. Greenlee or meanly. Right, right. He's gunning for the Pulitzer. Quote, gunning. She refused to tell me and stated they were empty bags.

Empty bags typically are stored in pantries as opposed to rectums. Wow. Greenlee wrote that. Classic Greenlee. Diabolic. Print. Diabolic. They tell you prints die.

Come on. Yeah, it's alive and well as far as I'm concerned. Holy jeez. Tell it like it is. Leona Hubbard of Indiantown was arrested on charges including driving while license suspended with knowledge. So she knew, I guess. Possession of less than 20 grams of marijuana. Possession of hash oil.

Possession of drug paraphernalia. Introduction of contraband. And tampering with evidence. Wow. Yeah, because she... And the introduction of contraband means she brought it in her ass into the jail, right? And the tampering with it is taking it out and throwing it in the jail. Is her asshole Ex A or exhibit B?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, first I'm going to explain to you what a rectum is, then we are going to take a look at what. You're all familiar with the large intestine. Now, if you look at this chart. Yeah, I like that he's assuming that people are way more familiar with where the large intestine is than they are their asshole. Yeah, by the way, large intestine is a lot harder to explain. We're going to get out of here on this because it's time to play Guess the Age.

Oh, God. All right. I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Leona Hubbard? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Guess the age. Carl Hess,

you are our guest, so you can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. You wanna go first? I'm gonna go first. Okay. So now you kinda know about this woman a little bit. She's got a pocket knife press, knuckles, trailblazer. This is Florida? I feel like it could either be like

17 or like 53. She had Botox, she had a boob job. I feel like it could either be like 17 or like 53. She had Botox. She had a boob job. I'm going to go 44. 44 years old. Okay, Randy or Jason, who would like to go second? I will. To quote the Beastie Boys, brass knuckles, those funky knuckles.

I'm going to say this woman is a solid 51. Okay. And she got the boob job to stay young, and she has the brass knuckles to make sure no one else looks good around her. I think she's 41. 41? 41. I think she's 41.

But definitely a great grandmother. Well, guess what? I'm going to show you guys a photo of her. Yes, please. And we're still not going to know. If you want to change, you can. This is fun. I like this.

I want to see the photo. Randy, what did you say? 41. And Carl, what did you say? I said 44. 44. And Jason, what did you say? 51.

Okay. Do you want to change your guess? No. I actually think I want to keep my guess. I want to keep mine. Right there. Okay. Yes.

Okay. Tony's, get your answers in right now. While you're doing that. If you join the Facebook page, you can see her. I know. Wait, I want to change mine. Okay. 59.

59. Wow. Highball. Okay. Not a lot of wrinkles on that face. That bowtie shit works. Oh, there are a lot of wrinkles on that face. But not as many as there were.

Townies, this is your chance to look at the photo, or if you're listening wherever you are and you haven't looked yet, get your answer in now. Every wrinkle on her face denotes a bag of crushed up pills that have been hit. Right, exactly. You can count it like rings on a tree. How much matter? I will tell the listener, if you aren't getting to look before you put your guess in, she has bangs. So let that sway you however you would like.

Before we give that, though, since I like to do these on the minis, now we should do our plugs. So tell people where they can follow you, Carl. Oh, yes. You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram, at Carl Hess. That's K-A-R-L-H-E-S-S. You can follow my podcast. It's at YapPod. That's Y-A-P-P-O-D on Twitter and Instagram.

Yell at Patay. As far as anything. Yelling at Patay. Next future closest date. Tonight, this drops on the Friday, that tonight we'll be in Ann Arbor for two shows at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. And tomorrow, two shows in Ann Arbor, 8 and 10.30. I believe they're probably going to be

close to sold out, the early shows. Late shows will probably still have some seats available, but please come out if you're in the Detroit area. And then we're working on a date to possibly do a live Don't People Town at Largo in LA. So we're working on that, which will be really fun too. Check all of our calendars, superschoolhours.com

to check all that stuff out. And of course, join the DRIP. Join the DRIP campaign. We're on our way to getting Jan Flato his money back. I know. And we're going to start doing guest reader stories from the townies. Yes, for those who are at that level. Make sure you get in on that.

Amazing. I will let people know that on the day that this drops, I am in Lafayette, Louisiana for the Together Tour. I'm on tour right now. And tomorrow night, I will be in Baton Rouge. So if you're in and around any of those areas, come hang out with me. And the second leg should already be announced by now. So go to DanielVanKirk.com.

Bring those brass knuckles out. I'll sign a brass knuckle. How old is this lady? Are you ready? L. Rhonda Hubbard. Baggies in her rectum. Driving a Trailblazer. Queen of Indian town.

Brass knuckles and a pocket knife. Queen of Indian town. Recent boob job. No weight on the left leg. Is 38 years old. Oh! She looks terrible! I should have stuck with 41.

I know. Damn. You should have stuck with 41. God, you didn't trust yourself. By the way, she looks like she could be our mom. Wow. She looks like a 59-year-old. To be fair, it is a grainy photo, so maybe in HD it would look better.

Although, she's probably taken some hits from Brass Knuckles. She's not the only one with Brass Knuckles in Indian Town. She's probably taken some Brass Knuckles in the face. You fight Brass Knuckles with Brass Knuckles. Right, exactly. We've learned anything. You bring Brass Knuckles to a Brass Knuckle fight. Thank you, Greenlee. Oh, man, what a great Right, exactly. We've learned anything. You bring brass knuckles to a brass knuckle fight. Thank you, Greenlee.

Oh, man, what a great, great story. That's a mini. Thank you. There's a mini. Follow Carl Hess. Join the Drip. Join the Facebook page. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work.

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