Dumb People Town - Kate Micucci and Andy Richter - Fleshy Protuberances

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Dumb People Town returns to Largo for their LIVE show with Pete Yorn. After a few Flatos, the guys welcome Andy Richter and Kate Micucci with the Florida Man Game. Then they discuss the first story where a woman gets caught in a rural area in a possible robbery. For the next story…WE HAVE A GREENLEE!!!! A man takes himself to the police station to reveal he was holding contraband. 

Skypains out here. Well, I'm so excited to do this show every single time something magical happens on this stage. Dan, Jay, and I are just so happy to bring this one specifically to you. And we love to start off. We've gotten great musical guests throughout this whole run of doing it here at Largo. We continue tonight with someone. I'm just going to say this. When Jay and I moved to L.A. in 99, this album came out. His first album came out in 2001, and it was the soundtrack for Young Us Living in L.A.

And just so important and so special to us that in the last year or so when we've really gotten to know him and gotten to meet him and become friends with him, it's so exciting for us to be on a show together with him and have him be on this show and have him do our theme song tonight. So I want you guys to give the warmest welcome to someone who I've loved for 20 years, and I'm just so happy to share the stage with him, the great Pete Yorn, everybody. What's up, Largo friends? What's up? All right. I wasn't sure what I was doing here tonight, but he cleared that up for me, so now I know.

All right. but he cleared that up for me, so now I know. In a very safe... Alright. Might as well not mess around here. I think I only get to play two songs or something like that, three songs maybe, I don't know, four if I'm lucky. He was probably referring to a record called Music for the Morning After, it came out in 2001. I'm so old now. If this was the first song on that record,

I'll sing it. I'm a little unshamed And you share the same last name As the joy of a sandbar with whiskey As it shows you still made me feel dirty I was waiting over here for love to begin I was looking for the new thing You were the sunshine

Head in my front line I was alone You were just around the corner from me Time alone is good Spend my day in the city In a dirty neighborhood And you never could convince me So I sold the town away

Couldn't wait if you came I was killed in half a day, I hurt a ton of regret I was waiting for you, for love to begin For a whole new thing You were sunshine Hiding out from the line I was alone And the children were on the corner from me guitar solo I'm still on the chain

And you share the same last name So you're a simple whiskey It's a joke, it's about a rescue It's a joke, it's in a made-for-you-dirty Waiting over here for life to begin Just looking for a new thing You are the sunshine Hiding my front line I was alone And the tears were on the corner from me

You were the sunshine Hiding my front line And the, just around the corner from me. Yeah, you were. You were the sunshine, heading my way, just around the corner from me. Just around the corner primate You're the round the corner primate Thanks so much Thanks everybody Thanks, everybody. All right, so we're here for Dumb People Town this evening.

And I have a little song I want to sing about that. I want to sing about that. Dan and Rand and Jay will share They told me to yornify it. I guess they sing this song every week and it's kind of a country ditty. But I'm going to yornify it a little bit. Dan and Rand in jail share tales of folks

so unaware. They're lacking grace and sometimes shoes. The life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic fail. In Florida,

there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host our man Dan Van Kirk don't be a jerk cuz when the music quits the funny hits and we're gonna take you down and stick around ground like a sound hunker down it's dumb people

town Pete Yorn Pete Yorn the great Pete Yorn I Pete Yorn. The great Pete Yorn. I'll take all of that you got. Oh, man. That was so good.

Should we dial it up, Rand? Yeah, let's do it right now. Hi, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Yorn. Yes. I just want to say. This is amazing. We love doing this show at Largo. It you. I just want to say. This is

amazing. We love doing this show at Largo. It's such a special place to us and we're so happy that all of you guys are out here tonight. Pete did a great job. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here. We have great guests coming as well. We got to exercise. We got to do calisthenics as it were.

You got to stretch it out. You got to warm up. You got to warm up Dan's computer. Not my computer. What is that, Adele? What is that? They said you're getting that. Pete Yarn's version of our song sounded like a song he was writing in jail. You know what I mean?

Was it? Did you write that in jail? It's true. Yeah, you were up there. I know. All right. Should we introduce... So we have a spirit animal, for those of you who haven't been...

The patron taint of dumb people. Thank you very much. His name is Jan Flato. And for those who don't know, he took his Russian friend to a casino. I use friends in air quotes. And... Gave her 100 bucks and put it into a slot machine. She pressed the button.

They won a jackpot, $100,000. She went up to collect, and the person in the front said, you get all the money because you pressed the button. And she said, keep that man away from me. Yeah. And she walked out with $100,000, and we've always felt that this guy's been wronged, and then we took one good step.

He might have lost 50 grand, but he gained us. Exactly. There's Jan. There's Jan. There's Jan Flato. Jan Flato. Always in breathable clothes. So Jan Flato to us is kind of like

a reverse Chuck Norris. There are things in this world that Jan does that no one will ever understand. True is about Jan Flato. Yes. His glasses are transitioning. They'll never stop transitioning. You know, there's things that people don't know about Jan Flato. His glasses are transitioning. They'll never stop transitioning.

There's things that people don't know about Jan Flato. Jan Flato doesn't pee standing up or sitting down. He pees laying down. It's a fountain. He calls himself the little Bellagio. Thanks, Dan. Jan Flato has had hiccups for the past two years. Oh, man.

Jan Flato checks in every hotel using the alias Rusty Koontz. All right. Jan Flato can do nine tricks with a lighter. Jan Flato's go-to secret Santa gift is Astro Glide. Okay, all right. Jan Flato had two dates to prom this year. Okay. Jan Flato swears

you can never be too drunk to enjoy Epcot. Jan Flato once landed a frontier plane. No. Stop. Jan Flato's nephew calls him dad.

I don't know what that means. I wrote it and I don't know what that means. Jan Flato has written three separate endings to Game of Thrones. All of them involve someone getting dragon fucked. Okay.

Jan Flato is the only man with actual cargo in his shorts. Jan Flato was asked to leave Burning Man because of his outfit. You guys just don't get it. Jan Flato's Burning Man name is Jan Flato. Wait a minute. That's mine. Jan Flato calls falling asleep on the couch on his front porch glamping.

Jan Flato has accidentally erased seven hard drives with a magnet. Jan Flato wants you to follow him on Venmo. Jan Flato has accidentally stolen three dogs. Jan Flato's doorbell is a gong. A very racist gong. Go. Jan Flato's always amazed at how much he can't believe it's not butter.

Jan Flato calls skim milk pussy water. Jan Flato sleeps sitting up. Jan Flato likes to tell people he wasn't in the Navy. Jan Flato has killed someone else with sleep apnea. Jan Flato just got done binge-watching Silk Stockings on El Salvadorian Hulu.

Is there any more? Do I have any more? I think I'm out. Let me see if I have one more. Do it. Why not? Give it. Let me see where it...

Oh, Jan Flato likes to start drinking at 10 a.m., telling anyone who has a problem with it, hey, it's Cinco de Mayo somewhere. Well done, Randy. All right, last one. Jan Plato got thrown out of a top golf for bringing a crossbow. Is that good? Jan Plato got thrown out of a top golf

because he told some woman she'd be a good bottom golf. All right! You guys ready to start this show? Should we start the show? We love you, Jan. Love it. We love you, Jan.

He was very worried about Hurricane Dorian. I know. Well, he got a hold of the real map. There you go. No Sharpie on his map. All right. So one of the great things we obviously, Dan, Randy, and I can sit around and riff all day with Pete Yorn, which we would do.

But we have other guests on this show that we want to introduce. And we're going to bring them both out. Sometimes we bring one out and then we bring another one out. But we love these guys so. And we're going to bring them both out. Sometimes we bring one out, and then we bring another one out. But we love these guys so much. We're going to bring them both out. Do we dare do credits for these people? No, let's just bring them out. We love them.

We love them so much. They've both been on the show in studio. So it's so fun to have them here live. Would you please welcome our friends Kate Micucci and Andy Richter. Yeah! Andy Richter. Yeah. I love it. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Hi, Kate.

Here, Andy, you sit right here. This is you. Hey, guys. Andy in the middle. Hi. Andy in the middle is the name of the sitcom we're writing up here. Oh, I love it. Andy in the middle. Lucky Andy. Lucky Andy. He's in the mouth. Well, you middle. Hi. Andy in the middle is the name of the sitcom we're writing up here. Oh, I love it. Andy in the middle. Lucky Andy.

Lucky Andy. He's in the mouth and, well, you know. Hey. I'm on it. So we believe that the world's getting dumber. What do you guys think? Go. I'll take that as a yes.

That long pause, yes. I'm just hoping science will fix it eventually. Okay. Wow. I have a Jan Flato. You have a Jan Flato? Should I just throw that out there now? Yeah, I have a Jan Flato. You have a Jan Flato? Should I just throw that out there now? Yeah, let's get it out there.

Jan Flato is allergic to hand sanitizer. Nothing terrible happens. He just gets really itchy. Yeah. I like it. That's the only one I got. No, you got applause break. Nice job.

Thank you. Thank you. I think, and I mean, it's not my theory, but I've heard the theory that the reason that we're killing the planet is because we got too clever. Yeah. So actually, if we get dumber, we might not, you know, like idiocracy, they didn't know how to make gas anymore. You know what I mean? They didn't know how to refine petroleum.

So maybe, you know, us getting dumber and forgetting technology might be better for the planet. Can we please do a TED Talk on this? I might take that trade-off. We go back to, like, caveman and cavewoman status. Right, right. We just know how to, like, make bronze. And that's the farthest we get to go. And we just ride ostriches around.

And the bronze age was fine. It was fine. Yeah, sure. Everybody had rights. I mean, there was shit in the streets. Right, right, right. Yeah, and everyone died at age 26. But the Amazon was fine. It wasn't burning. Really nice.

Yeah. And you could park anywhere. I know. Parking was very easy. Alright, should we get into a story, Dan? Well, we get to do something. We do fun for these live shows. We play a little game called the Florida Man Birthday. That is when you put your birthday.

Yes, it deserves it. When you put your birthday, just the month and day, what would it be, day of the month, into Google, along with the words Florida Man. I love when Dan gets out over his skis a little bit. With words. Hey, I'm just trying to help the environment. I love when Dan gets out over his skis a little bit. It's always fun to see him. With words. Hey, I'm just trying to help the environment.

Day of the month. And so we play that with our guests. So we will go first with Mr. Pete Yorn. Okay, Pete Yorn. I am shocked at how much Florida looks like a gun. I don't like it. It looks like a gun and a penis all in one. Which is really the dream.

A sagging gun dick. Like a gun dick sag. Like and a penis all in one. Which is really the dream. A sagging gun dick. Like a gun dick sag. Like if a penis shot bullets. But wait, do you think that the top part is the penis? It looks like a gun that just needs to be snapped back into shape. I was going to say, those are some old man balls. Just a limp gun. Limp gun.

I think they've been panhandled a little too much. At Sklar Brothers. Pete Yorn, according to the internet, your birthday is July 27th. Is that true? Correct. Are you ready for who your Florida man birthday is? Yeah, sure.

Welcome to town. This is wonderful. Headline, July 27th. Florida man caught trying to steal ice cream truck. Now, it is a... Who would convict that? I mean, come on. We've all fought it, right?

It's like a cooling pie on a windowsill. Now, when I found this, it's a six-sentence story, and it has everything you need for your Florida man, Pete Yorn. Okaloosa County deputies said a man was caught while he tried to steal an ice cream truck.

The crime occurred just after midnight on Friday, July 27th. Investigators said the ice cream truck owner's girlfriend saw 30-year-old William Grappy, G-R-A-P saw 30-year-old William Grappy,

G-R-A-P-P-Y, William Dot Grappy on Facebook. He's getting a little Grappy with it. William Grappy to take the vehicle from the home on Angler Avenue. According to the sheriff's office, the girlfriend followed Grappy, and he ditched the ice cream truck

behind a gas station on Miracle Strip Parkway. Oh. Yeah. This is... So I don't understand why you take... So close to Miracle Strip Parkway. I don't understand why you take it. Why would you take a thing out at 12?

Because it's a damn ice cream truck. You're not looking to sell the ice cream. You're looking to eat the ice cream. Make a run with it or something. Deputies caught Grappie and he said quote, he apologized for being an idiot. There he is. There he is.

There he is. There you go. He sounds nice. He looks like Jared Goff. He looks like a Gosling character, doesn't he? Look, I'm sorry, but he's beautiful. I agree with you. He looks like Gosling.

And look, if you had that face and you saw that truck, you'd be like, I live in there. Exactly. I deserve I live in there. I deserve to be in there. That belongs to me. I'll take nine chip witches. And he's in Ocaloosa County. You can just hear a sheriff with his mouth

full of shit. Ocaloosa County. That hair was not grown to obey the law. Look at that hair. His expression is like, what? Eight people a day tell him he should be a model. Or does Ryan Gosling stuntman?

Right? It's Ryan Gosling in the sequel. It's like farther beyond the pines. Lars and the kind of real girl. Look at the eyelashes on the ice cream truck. Wait, where was that? Can we go back? There's eyelashes on the ice cream truck. Can we go back? There's eyelashes.

It's flirting with you. No kidding. That ice cream truck is saying steal me. I don't want to blame the victim. Maybe don't be parked like that. Sorry, it's an ice cream truck with eyelashes. When it winks at you, you just can't help yourself. That's right.

That's a steal hither look if I've ever seen one. It won't be stolen. yourself. That's right. That's a steel hither look if I've ever seen one. It won't be stolen. Okay. Andy Richter. Yes? I have your birthday. Is it October 28th? It certainly is.

Right around the corner, guys. Ready? Don't forget, guys. I need six Roombas. Fight! That's right. Let's see who does the best job. There can only be one Roombas. Six Roombas. Fight! That's right. There can only be one Roombas. Six Roombas enter.

One Richter leaves. Here's the headline. This is October 28th. Florida man arrested for altercation with girlfriend while dressed as dinosaur. No. Wait, who was dressed as a dinosaur? The guy.

The guy was. This is when they were going to have their breakup fight. I feel like you don't take me seriously. But that's bad journalism. It should have been Florida man dressed as dinosaur has altercation with girlfriend. The way you said it was very loose-ended. Well, the articles aren't great in dumb people's hands. It is Florida journalism.

Would it change your mind if I said she was dressed like Mothra? Or like a big Fred Flintstone side of beef. Before and after. Alright. Kate Micucci. Here we go. I Have Your Birthday is March 31st.

That's right. Okay. Headline. This is perfect, too. Literally, it encompasses everything that this show is about. Florida man pulls kid's tooth by tying it to back of Chevy Camaro and speeding away. Wasn't even his kid. And they have a and speeding away. Wasn't even his kid. Wasn't even his kid. That was just a

neighborhood kid. And you know that that's the day his dad drove away and never came back. Hang on, Dan. Don't say I never did nothing! I gotta get some milk and pull your teeth. It's like he couldn't even have the tooth fairy come because his dad took the tooth.

I know. And the thing is too, that's so Kate Micucci. Classic. You know that he's had that string in his glove compartment for a long time and he just heard out of the corner of his ear some kid being like, it's Wiggly. Get over here.

Well, not a lot of people know, but Camaros do have a little eyelet just for tooth pull. Is that for hooking to a tow truck? No, no, no. A little tooth hitch. That's for tooth pulling. I just hope the last thing that kid said was like, what's going to happen? I did that with a remote control car when I was little, but not a, you know.

Tied to your tooth? Yeah. My dad helped meied to your tooth? Yeah. My dad helped me. Did it work? Yeah. It really did? What happened to wiggling it? This story was meant for you.

You know? It wasn't. And perseverance. It's more exciting. Patience. What happened to patience? Your dad obviously got you excited about show business, and here you are. I love that the guy's got an orange Camaro which is like a very

or a red. Is it orange or red? Is it red or orange? I can't tell. I don't know. It's red. It's leased. It's a bull.

Is that also, is his family on the back of that car? I was going to say, but he's not too proud to have like the Calvin and Hobbes family where everybody's

pissing on something. Is that license plate Balls 52? Yeah. I'll show you Balls. I got balls for every week Is it license plate Balls 52? Yeah. I'll show you Balls. I got balls for every week of the year. I got balls for days, bro. Jan Flato drove that Camaro.

That's right. All right, that is the Florida man. There we go. We did it, guys. We did it. We did it. Shall we jump into a story? You ready?

Let's do it. Here did it. We did it. Shall we jump into a story? You ready? Let's do it. Here we go. This was sent in by Caitlin at CNorris5782. You cannot explain that. That seems like a bot. It is. Thank you, Caitlin. Which, by the way, is a cut down for kids today. My son's like,

you're such a bot. I'm like, what? Are we into that now? Yeah. You're a, you're such a bot. I'm like, what? Are we into that now? You're a bot. This is from Aaronico, Minnesota. Coming at you from KROC AM News. They have a different KROC. Aaronico? It's Orinoco.

Orinoco? Thank you, Andy Richter. You're welcome. It's not Ocalisa? No, it's Orinoco. Aaronico. A woman suspected of's not Okalisa. No. It's Oronoco. Oronoco. A woman suspected of being involved in a number of burglaries in southeastern Minnesota. That's a seasonal drop. There.

Crime in the winter in Minnesota. Way down. Just because you're white doesn't mean you blend in that much. You know what I mean? A lot of burglarars in southeastern Minnesota was arrested yesterday after Olmstead County deputies found her topless in an unusual place.

In her brain? I don't know. Where you at right now, girl? Soaring. I'm in Narnia. I'm still at Burning Man. Why not? Topless. Olmstead County Sheriff's Captain Scott...

How would you say Bairns? Burns. B-E-H-R-N-S. I just want to be... Bairns. Bairns. Says the unusual circumstances of Kristen Hart's arrest started... By the way, the unusual circumstances of Kristen Hart's arrest...

Paul Thomas Anderson? Sounds like a Paul Thomas Anderson movie of Kristen Hart's arrest. Paul Thomas Anderson. Sounds like a Paul Thomas Anderson movie or a kid's movie. Yes. Or a Lifetime movie. Or a Lifetime movie. Dustin Hoffman could be in all of them. Hey, she threw him down the stairs. The unusual circumstances of Kristen Hart's arrest started when a husband and wife spotted her running out of their house

when they returned to their rural home, which means they kept telling the reporter, this is our rural home. We don't live in no city. We're doing well. Steve Zahn is down the street. So just checking, this is your suburban home? No, no, no.

Rural home. Okay, but it's in the suburbs, right? No. There's a silo in the backyard. I don't understand why you don't listen to us. We're saying rural. They return to their rural home southeast of what's it say it again, Andy? Orinoco.

Orinoco. Late Thursday afternoon. If you pull up to your house. Your rural house? Yes. By the way, thank you for making the distinction. I appreciate that. And someone is running out of it. Topless? No, I don't think so at this point.

Don't go in. Let them, whatever they've done, leave that crime scene intact. You also don't know who else is still in the house. I think you would make a judgment based on the appearance of the person. Yeah, but who are their friends? I don't know.

What is she running from? I have incredible powers of observation. So I could judge, okay, it's safe to go in after that crazy person ran out. Whereas another one, it's like, there might be more of them. Sure. So they return to their rural home home and she comes running out late Thursday afternoon. That is when the 73-year-old man

reacted by jumping into his golf cart and attempting to follow her. No. He is not fucking around. Wait, they were in a car and then he got into a golf cart? I assume. Honey, I'm taking the cart. I'm taking the cart. I'm not wasting gas

on this bitch. Honey, it's time we take this up a notch. You don't know what up a notch means. Yes, I do. I want to stay 14 feet behind her at all times. 45 seconds of the conversation. Is it charged? I don't know. Did you charge it? Well, turn it on the back.

It's not beeping. The 73-year-old man reacted by jumping into his golf cart and attempting to follow the Byron woman into the woods adjacent to the family's property. So there's woods. It's rural. It is rural. Very rural. You know he had his golf club still on the car.

I do think the significance of rural is when you live in the suburbs, people are coming out of your house at all the time. In the rural, people are coming out of your house at all. All the time. Topless. In the rural, that's why you move to a rural area

is because you don't come home and like, oh, here comes a stranger running out of my house. Also, what golf cart does he have that he's like, I'm going into the woods? Yes.

And also, too, a golf cart through the woods? Yes, constantly. Off-roading. A lot of jiggle. Yeah, yeah. A lot of jiggle. A lot of turning, too.

But he's 73, so the ride should have been Smith. His wife chose to patrol the main road. They are on tactical detail. What the fuck? Well, they've lived their entire lives for this moment. That's right. They pulled up, saw her run out. The wife looked at the husband and says,

looks like the spiders caught herself a fly. Let's send up a drone to triangulate. Honey, you got my rural gun? No, I only have the city gun. We're going to use it. When you live rurally, you are your own neighborhood watch. Yes. You got to be everyone.

I love that wording. His wife chose to patrol. As though she was like, all right, what strategy do I want to take here? Do I secure the perimeter first? Definitely use the word perimeter. Yes. Honey, work the perimeter.

I'm taking the woods. Which, by the way, in bed, he is definitely center. When there's any ass play, work the perimeter. Now, you are live. That goes without saying. You are live. And for those of you who aren't, Randy and Jason hit that joke at the same moment, 10 seconds before either of them said it. I know.

Oh, that was beautiful. Yeah. It's almost like they have the same ass. They do. They do. It's almost like they have the same ass. They do. They do. It's almost like we both work the perimeter of that joke. She chose to patrol the main road in the area and came upon Kristen Hart exiting the woods

along 18th Avenue Northwest. I got her. I know. You know she was like, bitch. Hello, bitch. Hello, bitch. Well, hello, interloper. Little Red Riding Hood rat. To make this fair, I'm going to give you 15 seconds to find any sort of stick or wood

that you think will help you in this wrath. I love that we're... It's Minnesota. I know. Oh, yeah. And we make it like it's the fucking this is Fargo season 4

it's more like okay bitch you're in trouble now oh you don't know oh boy you best get to you fuck with the wrong rural people

tonight you don't know how hot I am at you right now oh boy oh Christ I'm gonna drop a plate of hot dish on your fucking head yeah they'll tell you right now. Boy. Oh, Christ. I'm going to drop a plate of hot dish on your fucking head.

Yeah. I'll tell you right now, this is going in the newsletter. Everyone's going to know. You better run. Those woods don't last forever, eh? You made her Canadian? Yeah, I came down from Canada. Honestly, it's all close enough.

I lived in Canada for a while. This ain't the suburbs. There's no bylaws to save your ass. I'll chase you all the way up to Bemidji, you bitch. Yeah. You ever see that movie, A Simple Plan? I can kill someone. Great movie.

Behrens says that the 64-year-old woman, these two are not fucking around, confronted Hart, and the two got into a scuffle that resulted in the younger woman, that's Hart, losing her shirt. This is every little boy's dream. This is Minnesota porn.

You want to have a tit-out fight? I'll have a tit-out fight with you right here. Give me my shirt. You know it was her shirt. That's my only Viking shirt. Well, that's on you. It's a Case Keenum shirt that he signed.

Yeah, but he's no longer on the team. Try running through the woods in your bra. Good luck. Okay, so Kristen loses her shirt in the scuffle. How old is Kristen? That's a game we may play later. That's when a passerby came upon the women,

one now topless. Kristen's rocking new bra. Honey, I'm just going to walk the dogs. Nothing happened in this rural society. I'll be back in a couple of minutes. Nothing to worry about. I'm going to go out for a no-tit walk. It ain't on me, though, okay?

It ain't on me. It's okay? It ain't on me. It's still a tit-free zone, right, hon? That's when a passerby came upon the women, one now topless, fighting next to the roadway, which means I hope that the older woman was like, keep it in the ditch. Keep it in the ditch. I ain't road fighting you.

I'll fight you on the side of the road, but don't go up there. I'll punch you on a shoulder, but nothing else. I'm not road fighting you. I'll fight you on the side of the road, but don't go up there. I'll punch you on a shoulder, but nothing else. I'm not trash after all. I'm not going to fight you in the road. When the man stopped and asked what was happening, you're too up to. What's going on over here, huh?

You guys okay? Can I put money down? The topless heart claimed that she was being assaulted and then the man offered her a ride. By the way, the topless heart could have been the B-side to the Bonnie Tyler song. That's very true. I can't make you fight me if you won't.

All right, heart claimed. That was for you. Heart claimed that she was being assaulted and the man offered her a ride. I love that conversation too. Who's winning? Who started it? You can both get in if you take your top off.

He just sounds like a nice guy again. The ice cream truck guy was nice. He wants to give the lady with no top a ride. He sounds nice. You look like you need some cover. Get in under this rag top. Let's chilly out. Smell this gas rag. What? No.

I can take you where you want to go, but not to my house because I'll get killed. One of the deputies responding to the couple's call of a burglary in progress. That's not technically true. She was outside of the house. Burglary had been done. Soon located the man's car parked in a field driveway.

I've never heard of a field driveway. It's rural. It's rural in every way. Field driveways, you just drive into the field. There's a driveway and it's a field. I know exactly what they mean. There were woods and a field. This is very rural.

It's very rural. Soon located the man's car parked in a field driveway and pulled him over when he tried to drive off. He has fully committed to Hart's lifestyle at this point. We're running. We're running. I'll leave my family. I don't care. Let's go.

You're the first topless woman I've ever seen. I can't let them hurt you. They'll take you away. After finding him alone in the passenger compartment, no one's ever described a car like that. Compartment? Like the glove compartment?

In the glove compartment? Oh, he had one of those Ford pods. They're four separate pods, and they eject. That's a new cop who really wants to use as much jargon as possible. Which compartment was he in? The passenger. After finding him alone in the passenger compartment,

the officer asked about the woman he had picked up, and Barron says the deputies were informed that she was in the trunk of the car. No! What? What is the conversation

once she gets in? Definitely, you definitely want to be hidden now. Oh, yes. Get in the trunk. I love that none of us think that he's like the BTK and has been like jackpot. Well, it occurred to me. Okay, good.

He could have just been like shotgun, you want to sit in the back, got the trunk, whatever you want. But also like, what a cornucopia of good luck for a serial killer. What the? Forget it! I bought all that rope and duct tape for nothing! I don't even have to come up with a story!

They find me! He tries to explain himself. The man explained that he became very uncomfortable over the situation that he had found himself in. Or injected himself in. He had found himself in?

Yes. And the topless woman suggested placing herself in the trunk, which is where the deputies found her. No. No herself? I'm just going to place myself in this trunk, which is where the deputies found her. No. I'm just going to place myself in this trunk. Look, I'm happy to help you,

but I can't stop looking at your tits, so I can't drive like this. Well, listen, do you want me to place you in there, or do you want to place yourself? Hart's like, what if I get in the trunk? I'm not comfortable with anyone who wants to get in a trunk. No. Your standard of life is too low.

Jesus. Right on the top, if anything, styles it. That's right. Thank you. A couple of Teen Wolf fans. I don't care. Captain Barron's says stolen from the

Orinoco. Orinoco Orinoco god damn it this is what I love this is what Kristen Hart got from the house one thing makes sense and the other thing only makes sense to her

stolen from the home was about $150 in cash and a fake $1 million bill. She thought life had changed. Oh, yeah. Oh, I hit the rural jackpot. Yeah.

They told me to do that city robbing. They were wrong. I knew. I knew I'd find a gold mine out here. You know they got $1 million bills out of the rural. No, she did keep the $150,000, so she's still sensible. Yes. This will be my walk in her outbox.

I'll live off the million dollar bill for the rest of my life. I just picture her like Charlie in the chocolate factory, just holding it up, being like, life is better. I've got a golden ticket. But she kept the $150,000. It was like, where am I going to cash this million dollar bill? No one's going to have change for it. Yeah, boy.

I told my boys I'd come back. Let it sink in. The sheriff's office also reported the arrest of a known associate of Hart, wanted for a recent break-in at a Rochester charter school. This is where this story takes a weird left turn, and the details are just random enough that I was like, I'll put it in. Put it in. Captain Bear says investigators obtained information

indicting 38-year-old Robert Felton, and that he could be found in Pine Island Cemetery. What? What? Is he dead? Living? I don't know. Wait, what's the connection to a guy that ripped...

I think they arrested her and she was like, want to know who I do this with? Yeah, go ahead. You know about that charter school theft in Rochester? Do we ever? Of course, we all do. Well, we were just talking about it yesterday.

I'll read it again. Captain Barron says investigators obtained information indicating that 38-year-old Robert Felton could be found in the Pine Island Cemetery. Well, listen, she rides cars in the... He's not dead. She rides cars in the trunk. He sleeps in a cemetery.

What Liam Neeson movie are you in where the person is waiting for you in a cemetery? All of them. When deputies from both Goodhue and Olmstead County arrived at the scene, they spotted him, that would be Robert Felton, standing next to a car

just in a cemetery. How long was he waiting there for them to... I don't know. He was probably crying over his dad. I don't know. Barron's... Or pissing on his grave.

Barron's says Felton attempted to flee on foot. Remember, he was next to a car. I mean, if he would have had a golf cart, he would have been golden at that point. But was tackled by deputies and taken into custody. You ever tackle someone at a cemetery? It just feels very inappropriate. Oh, I know. You've got to avoid the stones.

Jesus. All right. I will ask you this, and we will get out of here on this. How old is Kristen Hart? You are a guest, so you can go first, third, or fourth, or fifth. Pete, I want you to play along as well. This is everything you know about her.

She'll run through the woods. She'll fight in a ditch. She doesn't mind getting in a trunk. She'll rat out her 38-year-old friend. She feels like it is okay to fight a 64-year-old woman after you've broken her... Although, in her defense, if you look at it from her point of view,

everything she's doing is to hold on to a $1 million bill. She does not know that that is not a denomination of currency. No. Do you think that she and the Felton guy knew the million dollar bill was there and it was all planned out, sort of out of sight-like? Exactly.

We planned it out. I'm going to take the $150 so they don't miss the million. Exactly. Yeah, they got a million dollar bill in there. Oh, yeah? No. No. No. Sure they do. No, they don't miss the million. Yeah, they got a million dollar building there. No. No, they don't. I'll wait for you in the Pine Island Cemetery. All right, drive me over there.

I'm going to hop in the trunk. Wait, where is it at? Is it like a city home? No, it's a rural home. I haven't done a rural job. Kate or Andy or Pete, where would any of you like to go? I want to say she's 32. 32 years old.

So much ahead of her. Kind of. In prison. What do you want to say? I got her at 39. You got her at 39 years old. Just for the sake of balancing it out, I'm going to say she's 17. 17.

And you're getting applause for that. In Pete's scenario of her being 39, I just hope she's like, I promised myself I'd be a millionaire by 40. And dagnamit, nobody's going to take that away. It was on my vision board and it happened. Yeah, yeah. The Lord did it. I technically was.

Yeah, until she took my top off. And you know she didn't care about the top because she just checked for that bill in her pocket. So I think she... Randy Sklar. So now she has associates, which to me feels like she is in a position of power.

Sure. So I think she's 49. Okay. I think she's controlling the 38-year-old Robert. Think about your own life. When did you have the most friends? When you were young? I don't have any friends now.

Jesus. Most of my friends are associates now. Also, when you have friends that hang out at the cemetery, isn't that like the cool kids in high school that smoke cigarettes? Yes. I have those friends. It's just those guys and Morrissey. That's it.

Ooh, wow. So what did you say? 49? I said 49. Richter says 17. Kate says 32. And Pete says 39. I'm going to say she's 45.

Let's get two from the crowd. Steven Elton Yates is a friend of the show. He supports us. He's a Patreon dude. And he is here tonight. Steven, would you like to make a guess? I'll say 23. 23 years old. Is there anybody else who would like to make a guess? So just graduated and got her master's degree.

Thank you. Brother, right here. What's your name, my man? Justin. Justin, welcome to town. Give me a guess. 52. 52 years old.

See, you and I, Justin, were thinking in the same way. You know, a factor I should have highlighted for you guys, is afternoon robbery. Afternoon robbery. That could play into age as well. Well, that changes everything. Oh, damn it. I'm out of here.

I'm out. Okay. Kristen Hart. The once millionaire for a brief time in her actual heart. The once shirt-wearing woman. Do you have a picture of her? Of course we do. Oh, Jesus. Get your answers in now, townies. Play wherever you are, and if you're in this room, woman. Do you have a picture of her? Of course we do.

Get your answers in now, Townies. Play wherever you are, and if you're in this room, play in your heart. Play in your Kristen heart. I'll meet you guys in the cemetery because Kristen Hart is 28 years old. Oh, McKenzie! Yeah.

Yes, way to go, Kate. Nice. Look. Yes. Way to go, Kate. Nice. Yeah. Look at her. I totally pictured her as blonde, too. I don't know whether that's a Minnesota thing or just, I just, I don't know. I had her pictured as blonde. That's not a dye job at all, either.

It kind of looks like she's wearing scrubs. Well, that's what they put you in in prison when you come in topless. Oh, that's a good point. Larry, give her a shirt. Larry. That is story number one. Story number one down the books. Thank you guys so much. Let's take a break.

We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Alright guys, we got Pete Yorn here All right, guys. We got Pete Yorn here, and I think Pete Yorn should play another song. What do you think, Largo? Give us what you got,

and it doesn't have to be related to anything you've heard so far. This better be about Titty. I have a song exactly about that story. You do? You have a song about that? In hindsight, of course she wasn't 39. Was she a stripper? I don't know.

I mean, in the story, kind of. Yes. But in like an unwilling one. Wasn't that with Gina David, the accidental stripper? Wasn't that with the accidental tourist? Okay, sorry. All right, it is a rural song. Okay.

Always were in my hometown A girl sleeping in the streetlight In the memory at home I wish I knew them right now Calm down You know I'm telling the truth And I love you, you know I'm telling the truth Come down, you know I've had to change Cause when I look at you, I know it's not so good Thank you. All the melodies come back We should do better what we're doing now

Calm down And don't tell me the truth When I look at you And don't tell me the truth Calm down You never had to choose Smell the milk The most wonderful Oh, the tears I cry

But I wouldn't change a thing No, I wouldn't change a thing No, I wouldn't change a thing All the times we tried No, I wouldn't change a thing No, I wouldn't change a thing Calm down Come on down Come on down Come on down Come on down

Come on down Come on down Pete Yorn, everybody. Pete Yorn! Wonderful. Pete Yorn, you have a new album. Yes, newish album. Brand new album, yes. It's out now?

Can people grab it? It's out now, yes, everywhere. God damn it, get it. Is all your stuff on vinyl, by the way? Yeah, it is. Available where? So people listening at home and whatnot can grab it? You said everywhere.

PeteYarn.com. PeteYarn.com. Probably Amoeba, you know, local shops and stuff. All right, get it. Get it. In your phone, Spotify, all that stuff. Truck stops. Truck stop.

Rural communities. Definitely the rural communities. Get it. Get it. You'll think. Rural homes. Definitely the rural communities. Get it. Get it. You'll think. Rural homes. If there's a rural home, it's got a Pete Yorn album. It's maybe a million dollars.

Minnesota, for sure. The Million Dollar Bill album. His new album called Million Dollar Bill. It's about a guy named Bill. Yo. Million Dollar Bill is his name. It's about. K. McCutchey, what about you?

William, what's shaking with you? What's shaking? You guys, any shows planned coming up for... You know, we don't have any shows in the... Well, a couple benefits and things, but I don't know if they're... Anyway, yeah, no. Have you been...

No, no, no. Have you been writing music? We've been writing a ton of music, so that's the plan. And also, yeah. And then I just do a lot of cartoons, you know, like DuckTales and been writing a ton of music. So that's the plan. And also, yeah. And then I just do a lot of cartoons, you know, like DuckTales and Scooby-Doo and stuff. Can I say how cool Kate Micucci is?

She was, for a brief period, lived two doors down from me. And she met my oldest daughter, who she and her friend play music. And they're really good. But she sat in the car while my daughter played out of her phone the songs. And she pretended to be so interested.

No, but you were so sweet. And she loved it so much. I have to publicly say how truly special and sweet that was. But you did that for her. Well, that's so nice of you to say. But honestly, those songs were really good. They're catchy and fun. but it just was great. And I was watching you watch it and watch her watch her watch you watch it.

It was very, very cool. Oh, that's very nice. So I really appreciate that. I'm sorry we're not neighbors anymore. I know, but now you live near Jay. I always like, I know, we're just. You move from Sklar to Sklar. It's pretty great.

From Sklar to Sklar is our next album. Well, I can't wait. I hope you put all that stuff down. And I have a dream that all of our friends who are in teams, in comedy teams, we do a series of team specials on Netflix. I'm going to say it out into the world. That would be really great. Speaking of Netflix, yes. We're going to pitch it. I just saw Little Hours is on Netflix.

It's a crazy movie. Everyone should to pitch it. I just saw Little Hours is on Netflix. It's a crazy movie. Everyone should go watch it. Yeah, and we didn't have a script. It was all improv, which is wild. Unlike tonight, where we are completely scripted. You guys are doing a great job. I was memorizing this for so long. The cue-to-cue we had today at 2 p.m. was fantastic.

Honestly, it was a relentless rehearsal We wanted the overlap to feel really real I walked out three times I wanted a certain way god damn it I was like come on It's just the fucking Largo Well Aren't you glad you came though

I'm very glad you wrote that line for me It's just the fucking Largo Thank you so much And you delivered it the right way I'm very glad you wrote that line for me it's just the fucking larder thank you so much and you delivered it the right way you're nailing everything you're saying right now I really am thanks to you guys

there we go what's my next line that's good you got it we sold the forgetting alright Dan do we have another story we do but we should remind people like what Andy's up to and us as well oh me

well actually I do a podcast called the three questions I love this podcast thank you very much because it's a human Rorschach test really where people can you see who they are yeah no I just I don't care about anything anymore

except for having real conversations with people. And so this podcast is about, the three questions are, and it's just a gimmick to get people to talk about feelings. But it works. But they are, where do you come from? Where are you going?

And what have you learned? And so it just gives people a sense of what they're in for. We're not just going to plug your shit. You've got to really talk. But seriously, what do you have coming up? But tomorrow there's an episode with Scott Thompson, and it's truly, truly one of the best conversations I've had in years and years. And it's really revealing and really he's a wonderful person and he's one of the bravest people I know in

terms of just feeling like forthcoming and on a phrase to show warts and all and it's really really great and I hope I will check that out everyone oh yeah three questions you all get in trouble with your bosses for listening to it laughing and crying what's the question that gets people crying the most well Three questions. You all get in trouble with your bosses for listening to it. Laughing and crying. What's the question that gets people crying the most? Well, the questions are all just kind of a gimmick. It's just, you know, I mean, you just sort of start like,

so where are you from and what was your dad like and do you think you're that way because your dad was that way? And yeah, I am that way because my dad was that way. No, that's just me doing that. But it's, you know, the three, it was funny because as it started, it's with Earwolf and I heard that the higher ups at Earwolf, which means people at least two decades younger than me, were saying, I don't think you're hitting the three questions hard enough. And I was just like, and they actually said something like, maybe you should split it up into three 20-minute chunks. Like where I go like, first, where do you come from?

Time's up. So, no, it's just a gimmick to get people in the frame of mind to talk about what made you where do you plan to go with how you are and what kind of, you know, what's your sort of philosophy you've learned from this fucking mess. So you took their notes. Three easy chunks. Alright, good.

Three 20 minute chunks. I sure did. The higher ups always know best. Always. Is that what it's called now? Three easy chunks? The higher ups know best. Boys, tell all our friends what you're up to. What are we up to? I'm sure you have dates.

Go to superscars.com. Superscars.com. I don't know when this is dropping, but we're going to be in Chicago at Tinley Park Convention Center. Yes. And then Ann Arbor the next night. And then we're doing this podcast live at the Bell House in Brooklyn on October 13th, which is a Sunday with Michael Che and Aparna Nancherla.

It's going to be really fun. We're going to get a musical guest there as well. I wish I was on that show. Oh, wait a minute. Pete Yorn is here. Pete Yorn is right here. Pete Yorn is there. No, I'm just saying I wish I was Aparna.

Oh, yeah. Aparna that show. Aparna that show. Dan, what are you doing? Everybody can go to danielvancurk.com. I'm about to do the final run of the together tour

I will be hitting up like Cincinnati Cleveland Rochester Detroit Philly Boston New York

you should try and go to the Midwest yeah I know are you really going to those places or are you just naming towns I am 100% going

to all of those places Louisville Nashville Milwaukee and I'm ending my tour on November 15th in Rochelle,

Illinois. It was my hometown. So my grandma can come see it. And then a whole bunch of people I went to high school with can judge me. So if you go to DanielVanKirk.com Your grandma has come see you in Madison. And she got so drunk.

She's like, I'm helping the show! And we're like, no, you're not. Put your top back on. Out of here, Rosemary. That was my favorite about Wisconsin, is that they have a state strudel, a state pastry. It's like a Kringle. A Kringle.

Kringle. So Grandma Made a Kringle, to me, sounds like she had an accident in the living room. Grandma Made a Kringle. Oh, no, the dog's eating it. No. It's too low. God damn it.

Get it away from the... So why do you want to put her in the home? She made a Kringle. She doesn't know she made it. She's been making Kringles all over town. Sounds like a children's book. Grandma made a Kringle. Grandma made a Kringles all over town. Sounds like a children's book. Grandma made a Kringle. But it really deals

with all things. Are you ready for another story? Let's do another story. Here we go. This was sent in by Matt Town at Matt T I N T N 98. Matt T N T 98. You know that makes perfect sense. I think it's Matt T-I-N-T-N-98. Matt T-N-T-N-98.

You know, that makes perfect sense to me. Tintin. I think it's Matt T-N-Tennessee-98 is what he's trying to abbreviate. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Good, because we've got a Greenlee. Oh, yes! All right.

Now, to explain to you guys. I don't know what that means. Will Greenlee is that man. That man right there, Will Greenlee. He's a journalist. He's a journalist. And I say journalist with the widest air quotes I could, as far apart as your fingers can get. He also looks like somebody who says, no, I said, how are you?

Yeah, exactly. So Will Greenlee writes for the TC Palm. Yep. And he writes about these crazy odd stories that happen. There are several theories that are being bandied about. We think that he has 1,500 words to fill in every story, and every story comes out to 900 words. So then he chooses to spend the rest of the time

over-explaining things that we don't need explained to us. We had Patton Oswalt on the first time, and we had a Greenlee and he described in that article how an anchor works. How an anchor works. Very flowery description. The game we like to play and Dan has gotten so good at this

is Dan will read the story verbatim and then he will describe something in detail and we have to decide whether it was Dan who did the description or Will Greenlee. And we have to decide whether it was Dan who did the description. Who over explained something. Or Will Greenlee. And it is so much.

We'll get into it. We've done this so many times. And I've actually gotten worse at it. Exactly. I would think that I would learn your tells, Dan. I don't know it all. Andy, Kate, Pete, you will get an opportunity to guess. Greenlee or Dan.

Or me. DBK. I will also say in this one, I noticed that he wanted to be punny. So you will also try to figure out if that pun came from Greenlee or from me. Ready? Can I just say, I'm really excited.

This is so good. I feel like this is too much pressure. No, no, no. I don't leave the house at this age to get nervous. No. Andy? And he lives rurally. Burbank. It's as rural as it gets.

We'll read you the headline so you know what we're dealing with. Deputies crack case of crack in crack. Here we go. Someone stuck crack in their ass. I think that's Greenlee. Is it time? One point, Andy. See think that's Greenlee. Is it time? One point Andy.

See, you're already succeeding. Deputy's crack case of crack in crack. Someone stuffed crack up their ass. It's already kind of sexy. Crack in crack. Indian Town, which doesn't feel okay to say. It's not real. We should have changed that by now.

Exactly. It's like when you're driving through Indiana and the two towns next to each other are, I think, Brownsville and Whitestown. And you're like, what? Did KKK start it here? That's got to change. Indiantown. That's the last time I'm going to say it.

Stop, Dan. The case involving Annabelle Maldonado did not appear to take much investigative skill to crack. Who started out with a pun? Greenlee or me? Run it down, friends. Any order.

Pete? Greenlee. Pete, what do you think? Is that Greenlee? It feels Greenlee. It does feel Greenlee. Guys, play along at home. The case involving Annabibal Maldonado did not appear to take much investigative

skill to crack. The person who started this out with a pun is... Greenly. Yeah, done. I knew it. That's him. That's because the 35-year-old man volunteered to a Martin County Sheriff's

deputy that he had crack cocaine in the crack of his buttocks according to a report from a local sheriff that was able to read between the lines. Oh, God. Come on. Come on, Dan. Randy.

DBK or Greenlee. That was Greenlee. Okay. Andy? I'm going to say that was you. Okay. Kate? I think it was you.B.K. or Greenlee. That was Greenlee. Okay. Andy? I'm going to say that was you. Okay. Kate? I think it was you. Okay. Jason Sklar.

This is where we know too much. Like, I know you too well. It's almost like that game of like, but it's like the... Yeah, no. It's like it's so him that he has to not run. It's so obvious that I'm thinking the wrong way. I'm doubting myself. I get it.

I'm going to say that that was Greenlee. OK. Pete, you're on. Greenlee. All right, good. Thank you. So contemplative, dude. He told them that he had crack in his buttocks,

according to a report from a local sheriff that was able to read between the lines. The person who wrote that is me. Oh, Jesus. High five. Andy, you're two for two, who wrote that is me. Oh, Jesus. High five. Andy, you're two for two, and you doubt it. By the way, Dan is waiting for an ice cream from a stolen ice cream truck. I feel like I want it now.

It's very rural. I want it now. I was a good boy all afternoon. I want it now. Keep your hands on the table then, Kirk. I feel like I look like I just realized running away wasn't a good idea. In this photo,

a golf cart just goes by with a lady with no top. Yes, 100%. We're millionaires! We're rich! Okay. Let's keep going. Can't believe you did that, Dan. Further, Maldonado said he had marijuana In his sock

What could be described As an incident To demonstrate Drugs aren't what They're cracked up to be Occurred July 12th In Indiantown Damn it

I said it again Who said that? Greenlee Or me? It wasn't cracked up Drugs aren't what They're cracked up to be Occurred on July 12th.

That's Greenlee. Jason? I think that's Dan. This is how confused I am. Pete? Greenlee. The person who said drugs aren't what they're cracked up to be? Guys, do you know?

Because the answer is Greenlee. There we go! This is so fun. Three for three. Both of you guys are. Yeah, yeah. Because we're so fresh to it. I know, you guys.

It happened at about 8 p.m. as opposed to an earlier time, such as the crack of dawn. No! God damn it. I don't know. You can just skip past that. We know that was you.

Okay. We know that was you. If you're listening at home, you miss out on the reactions. Like Kate looking at me and going, no. How could you? I'm going to feed off Richter's confidence

and say that's Dan. Okay. Andy says me. Kate? You. Okay. I'm going to say Greenland. Way to go, Jay. Stay with it. You got none so far. I'm 0 for 3. Pete? Dan. Who is it? Me? Dan.

It happened about 8 p.m. As opposed to an earlier time, such as the crack of dawn, the person who wrote that is Will Greenland. Oh my god. Stop. Oh, baby. I thought I knew Greenlee.

He really... Fuck you Greenlee. How dare you. These are my people Greenlee. I just love... Remember we did this with John C. Reilly on the stage and John C. Reilly was like my head hurts. I don't know what's going on.

I just love that there's a guy who writes for the TC Palm all the way across the country and Andy Richter just said, fuck you to him. No, it's because I credited him with some restraint.

Like the real shoehorned in bullshit, I knew that was him. And then there's that? See? This is how it gets. There are no rules in a Greenlee article. He did one of his stories when we were live at Moon Tower and he for three sentences just included the lyrics from the thong song.

Yeah, that was three sentences of a journalist's article. One time he wrote about fat bottom girls for a paragraph. So either he has, he only gets to 900 words, he needs to get to 1,500, or he thinks the people he's writing for are so dumb he has to explain it.

Right. Or he's just really having a good time. Does he know about this game? Does he have any idea? He did a Reddit AMA because he helped crack... Ah, boo! Hey, it's in the script. It's in the script.

I have to say it. That's right. Helped craft. He helped expose the Robert Kraft case. So he got a lot of heat for that because it was a big case. And a lot of the AMA was just people being like, you know about Dumb People Town, right?

Like, you know, and so he's aware of the show. Someone was like, they play a game with your thing. And he's like, ooh, a game. I love that. Sounds great. It's based on how shitty you are. And what you do. No, in the AMA he said a game is something that people play where there's

winners and losers and there are rules. Multiple players. Deputy spoke to Maldonado in the 1,000... I'm sorry, let me say this again. Spoke to Maldonado in the 1,000... I'm sorry, let me tell this again. Spoke to Maldonado in the 14,700 block of Southwest Dr. Martin Luther King Drive. That is not a thing.

Nothing good happens there. That street's too long. Yeah. You shouldn't be over like 8,000. I have a dream to shorten that street. They spoke to him regarding earlier cases involving alleged drug sales. After investigators read Maldonado his Miranda rights,

he is accused of not cracking a joke, but of disclosing the crack in his keister and pot in his sock, one of which is worn on each foot. Who wanted you to know where socks go? Andy. Who wanted you to know where socks go? Andy Greenlee thinks you need to know where socks go Or I thought it'd be fun to tell you where socks go

See, now you're doubting yourself You went three and O's right out of the gate, Andy That's Greenlee You got cocky That's Greenlee No, no, I mean, I just, you know You seem to possess a modicum of shame I wish I don't think that was you I think that was Greenlee You seem to possess a modicum of shame.

I wish. I don't think that was you. I think that's Greenlee. Did that include Keister? Did that include Keister? Yes, he did say Keister. You're from Rochelle, Illinois, but you wouldn't have the nerve to say Keister on this stage.

Keister's pretty offensive. I think it's Dan. I think it's Greenlee. Pete Okay, it says me. I think it's Greenlee. Okay. Pete, did you give your official answer? I'm going with this guy. Yeah, I agree. Greenlee. Okay, good. Thank you. The person who said that

he had pot in his sock, one of which is worn on each foot, the one who wrote that is Greenlee. I knew it! Wow. There you go. You also said the over-explaining and that was the first instance of over-explaining.

Dan is over-explaining. Andy, you don't understand. We've done this game before where Dan has so cruelly... It was all Dan. Every single one. Sometimes he'll do it with no embellishment at all. Investigators say they plucked the tube It was all Dan. Like, greatly wrote a normal R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R What a butt is. To someone who would read this while sitting, maybe. Say it one more time.

Say it one more time. Investigators say they plucked a tube containing crack from Maldonado's buttocks. The fleshy protuberances below the lower back. Fleshy? Fleshy.

Oh, fleshy. Fleshy. Oh, fleshy. Fleshy also works. That's why I was wondering. We will allow that. The fleshy protuberances below the lower back. Are we saying that entire, all of those words are just the fleshy protuberances? The embellishment. The fleshy protuberances below the lower back.

I think that's Dan. I think that's you, too. Okay. I'm going to go with Dan. Okay. I'm saying Dan. Okay. Pete?

Greenlee. Oh, I love the confidence. He's got it. He's got it. Come on. Where would the fun be if you went with us? The person who wants you to know what a butt is and where it's located is Will Greenlee.

No! Yorn! Fucking yorn. Kate, are you okay? No! She's angry. I mean, I want to read every one of his articles. This is amazing.

He assumes someone out there was like, thank you. Oh, oh. That's what that is. Is that what a funny? I just like to imagine an enraged editor with everything he turns in like, oh, goddammit, Greenlee.

I told you. Well, I gotta run it. Now I gotta stop wearing two socks on one foot. Greenlee always turns it in two minutes before it goes to press. No time to look at it. Print it. Just print it. No notes again. Greenlee! I trust him.

It's J.K. Simmons from all the Spider-Man movies. Chewing on a cigar. Greenlee! I know what a buttocks is. I just don't know where it is. Greenlee. I know what a buttocks is. I just don't know where it is. Greenlee, can you... Below the lower back.

That is a journalist. That guy has a job in journalism. If you're going to say protuberance, it's put fleshy, damn it. So it's above the lower back, right? No, no. Below the lower back. Yeah, you know, who, what, where, why, when.

All the lower back. Yeah, you know, who, what, where, why, when. All the journalism things. Maldonado of Native American town was arrested. Thank you, Dan. Thank you, Dan. Thank you so much. Well played. Thank you, thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, boy. Was arrested in connection with the crack and earlier cases. Investigators later learned that his true last name is Velazquez, something he had hoped to keep behind him. A sheriff's spokeswoman said, Who said that? Me or Greenlee? That's Greenlee. Okay.

Yeah, I think that's Greenlee. Okay. I mean, what's at stake, really? At this point? It's Greenlee, sure, whatever Just the heart and soul of Indiantown, I mean I'm gonna put Dan on this one Okay

That's Greenlee Okay, Pete It's you Okay It's you Investigators later learn that his true last name is Velasquez Something he had hoped to keep Behind him, a sheriff spokeswoman

Said The person who wrote that is Me Yarn on fire Yarn just on point Finally I liked that one because it was subtle Thank you

Finally, he was taken to the Martin County Jail and there are no loose ends. Oh, Jesus. That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't even make sense. What loose ends are there when someone goes to jail? Does that mean like a prolapsed anus? Is that what he's getting at?

Is it something below the lower back or above? I think he just wanted to end on a flare. Yeah, yeah. That seems like a very lazy Greenlee. Randy? I think it's a lazy Greenlee too. Lazy Greenlee, lazy Greenlee.

Which is my favorite. Lazy Greenlee, I like it. It's my favorite Andy Samberg video. Lazy Greenlee. I always think of Lazy Riverlee from Kate. Lazy Greenlee. Jason? Lazy Greenlee. I like it. It's my favorite Andy Samberg video. Lazy Greenlee. I was thinking like Lazy River, but different. Pete says it's you. You say me? Yeah.

Okay. We all say Greenlee and Jorn said it's Dan. Okay. Do we even know a score? No. Right? I feel like Pete is crushing everyone. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we all end up winners. Yeah. Really. America won. I like that. The only up winners. Yeah. Really. America won. I like that. The only loser is Indian Town. They were here first, town.

Okay. I can't believe we didn't steal that from them. Side note, that's one of my favorite things. Somebody's like, well, technically in America we're all immigrants. And I'm like, not all of us. Not everybody. No, there were a bunch of people that were not. Okay, he was taken to the Martin County Jail,

and there are no loose ends. The person who ended the article and this show with that sentence is... me. Oh! Honestly, this is sort of like a taste test between a dog shit sandwich and a human shit sandwich. Like really, they're both shit sandwiches.

Sometimes it's hard to tell. Sometimes it is hard to tell. I've reached shit sandwich level. And I mean that with the most amount of respect and love. And you did. You expressed that with a lot of love and respect. A shit sandwich is something that people eat when they can't

stop it. Sandwich is two pieces of bread. So what are we doing now? Are we going to do... Pete, do a song and then come back? No, we can get out. Do we have time? No, we're good. We ran it all.

We ran the whole gamut? Yes, sir. We're going to have Pete Yorn close the show out with a very Pete Yorn song and then we'll come back and say thank you, guys. Pete Yorn close this show out with a very Pete Yorn song, and then we'll come back and say thank you guys. Pete Yorn, everybody. Pete Yorn.

Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn.

Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn. Pete do a very Pete Yarns song, a short song.

This was done at weddings. Thanks for having me here, you guys. Dude, you're amazing. Thank you, Pete Yarns. You won the Green League game. To sit here and watch this, you know, amazingness, I can't get a word in, but this is so cool to see how amazing you guys are. Thanks for having me. Alright, there's a love song. The only love song I ever wrote.

It's for Greenlee. Thank you. Someday I'll look into your green eyes And know that you'll come with me Girl, I can't Too many Things I do not care for

The one thing that I adore Is a girl like you I always try to look you in the eye It's okay when I'm like you Tomorrow I think of something A thing that I haven't said to a girl like you. And even if I don't know what the day will bring, so I can tell most anything to a girl like you I always try to walk you in the eye

But it's okay with a girl like you A girl like you It's okay A girl like you A girl like you Pete Yorn, everybody. Kate Micucci. Andy Richter. Jason Sklar. I'm Randy. He's Dan Van Kirk. Thank you guys so much.

We got to get back to work. Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio.

A podcast network.