Dumb People Town - Kate Micucci - It's a Lockback Knife

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

This week, comedian/musician Kate Micucci visits Dumb People Town! In Story 1, a woman in a store farts and pulls a knife on an offended customer.  For Story 2, a Dutch positivity trainer appeals to change his age.  Story 3 is the tale of a man who is accused of stealing candy from Walmart.This holiday season, don’t just upgrade your phone, upgrade your wireless provider and switch to Mint Mobile! Take advantage of this Mint Mobile holiday deal before it’s gone! Get 3 months of wireless for $20, and get the plan shipped to your door for FREE, by going to MintMobile.com/DPT!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population new. Population Makoochie. Kate Makoochie, we are so happy to have you here on the show. Thank you for having me. My neighbor. Yeah, we're neighbors. Our longtime friend in comedy and neighbor. One of the very few working part pieces of a comedy duo. Yeah, you've managed to be part of a comedy duo and branch out and do your own stuff,

which is something I can't get rid of, Jason. So we're going to have to have a conversation later about how to dish him. Or just carve out a career on my own. Dan, help me out here. I'm trying. I've been trying for years. When I say help me out, I mean help me out of this relationship. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Oh, okay, good. No, but I do think it is amazing. And if you want an idea of what you've created, it's so funny because do you know the show Bizaardvark, which is on Disney? Okay, I've heard of it. Our friend Eric, and it's these two girls in high school who like play guitar and write funny songs. Oh, yes. I actually do know of this show. Yeah, because I've heard through the grapevine that that was sort of modeled. You do know of this show.

Yeah, because I've heard through the grapevine that that was sort of modeled. I think the idea, the notion that so that they could explain it to people who would understand it would be, it's amazing. It's like if Garfunkel and Oates went to the same high school and then they did this in high, it was like if them in high school. And to me, that is amazing that you've achieved a touchstone of we're using you as a reference point to create a show. It's insane. It is weird when that happens. I don't know if you've ever had this, too, where, like, for commercial auditions, they'll say, like, you know. I need a Sklar brother type, and then you don't get it. Yeah.

That's happened. I remember one of my first times ever doing stand-up. This was before Garfunkel Notes. I was singing songs on a ukulele. And, oh, gosh, who who was it there was an actress that was like I just went in and auditioned for a Maria Bamford type and it was Maria Bamford's show and she had

the other person had gotten it and I was like and that was a really that was like a good thing for me to learn at a very early time in my career to go oh that happens huh I'm not enough me to be me what's happening here that's to me that is an example of stupidity yep that is dumb and we believe the world is

getting dumber we feel like dumb is fighting smart and dumb is winning dumb is louder dumb is prouder to be out uh and so we dumb is out dumb is out of the dumb closet it's out of the dumb closet and it is here's what I love about it. It's having its own parade. Can I tell you how I think this episode is going to go today? Sure. Because I know Kate, and she is such a nice person through and through, like through her bones. Positive.

I think she is going to want to try and heal all these people in this story. I can try. Right. So I think there are some people who come on who just rip the shit out of anybody. I think she's going to want to try and understand why these people made this. Like Will Forte, who tried to find the goodness in a guy in a Waffle House. Yeah, well, you're not going to find much there. All right, Daniel.

A little syrup. Hey! She found the sweetest thing in a Waffle House. Here we go. We're getting going. Just a warm-up. Guys, we're firing on all cylinders. All right, Daniel, we have a great story. We do. going. Just a warm-up. Guys, we're firing on all cylinders. All right, Dan, do we have a great story?

We do. Ready? This was sent in by Becky Frazier-Furr at Biscuit of York. Common spelling on biscuit. Passing gas in public is often embarrassing. Is it? I would assume so. I think so. I think it's a not normal thing. Unless you're on an assume so. Yeah, I think so.

I think it's a not normal thing. Unless you're on an airplane. And then it's just bombs. No one knows. No one can hear anything. Everything is just white-noised out. And there's a lot of blame that can go all around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of mystery. A lot of mystery. You can blame it on a baby. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff you can... Because the baby's not going to defend him or herself. The guy next to you or the guy next to him. Mm-hmm. You can just toss it along.. You can blame it on a baby. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of stuff you can, because the baby's not going to defend him or herself.

The guy next to you or the guy next to him. Mm-hmm. You can just toss it along. It's always a guy next to someone. Yeah. It's never that woman over there. That woman over there. It's always like me putting, you know, you're just like, oh, but I guess if you wanted to

cover up your own, you're like, oh, God, you know what to do. Yeah, yeah. Who did that? You can't handle it. If you can't, because everybody can handle them, but you can't handle that. That's a good way to cover it. Great cover. You can't, because everybody can handle them, but you can't handle that.

That's a good way to cover it. Great cover. So passing gas in public is often embarrassing, but for a Dania, I think, Dania, D-A-N-I-A, Dania Beach woman, doing so while waiting in line at a local store led to her arrest on a charge of aggravated assault. Wow. That escalated quick, didn't it? You know it's bad if it's an assault charge. Well, I feel like, well, yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't get it. What were you going to say? I was just going to say, I mean, I need to know more because, like, maybe she's very ill. But if she's, like, doing it and, like, staring at the person, staring them down, then it's a different story. That is a lot of aggression. You shouldn't aggression fart.

Yeah. To anybody. Or if there's a kid standing nearby and you plant one right in their face. That's abuse. Yeah, that is child abuse. Or like, you know, them going, you know what I think about that? And then just like letting one loose. Oh, let that be a punctuation onto whatever.

Like finish the sentence with that. It's like a farting Madeline. Well, she did this while waiting in line at a local store and it led to her arrest on a charge of aggravated assault. Yes, she doubled down. It's what police say she did after she passed gas. You don't call her on her shit? Literally. It's what she did after a man in line complained about the act that led to the charge.

Okay. So somebody in line was like, oh, wow. She did it and got called out. Would you do that, Dan? Would you call someone out? I don't think so. I think you would. I think I would.

You wouldn't? I don't think Dan would. I couldn't ever. Oh, my gosh. Because what if it was a mistake? I don't want him to feel bad. Yeah, you don't want anyone to feel bad. You wouldn't even do like a light whistle?

If it was really hanging around us and we're all stuck in this line at a store, like I'd probably be like, Dan, you would be like, what died in here? Produce is right. Yeah.

Yeah. Make a comedy bit out of it. Blame it on something else. Yeah. Um, you'd say produce is ripe. And even if you were like in a Marshall's, a hundred percent,

would you guys be able to? Jay? If I was with my kids and you've met my son or my daughter, my daughter more than my son because she's only five, would be like, wow, that stinks. Like she'd say it so loud that you have to be. So then through her, I would make fun of or chastise that person. Look, honey, sometimes people can't control themselves while standing in line.

You didn't do it. I didn't do it. This woman probably did it. But you know what? We don't say it out loud because we don't want to embarrass her. So I get it out through a kid. Again, airplanes where a lot of passive aggression happens. Yeah.

According to the Broward County Sheriff's Office. This is Florida. Complaint affidavit. It is. This is from the Miami Herald. Shanetta Yvette Wilson was in the checkout line at the Dollar General store on 120 South Federal Highway in Dania Beach on Sunday evening. The Dollar General, nobody already wants to be in there.

The people working there don't want to be in there. Now you're dropping bombs in the checkout lane. You know what? It is. Let me say this. You get what you pay for. John Walker. Get what you pay for.

John Walker. Johnny Walker. Which sounds like somebody living in witness protection program. Or someone who makes his own whiskey. That's true. No, he's like, that's my dad, okay? Not me. I don't do that.

I'm John Walker III. I'm John Walker III. I'm John Walker III. Living in my own life here. I'm just saying, man. You probably know how to make whiskey. Again, I'm not talking about that.

I play a lot of tennis and I have a trivia night. Don't tell me what I do. It's like, I don't know if you know this, but Frank Lloyd Wright, his son created Lincoln Logs. Really?

Yeah. And his dad, he could never live up to his dad. His dad, like, made him think, like, you'll never amount to anything. And he created one of the greatest toys of all time. Was his kid's name Lloyd Wright, maybe? Maybe. I don't know. I should know this.

His name was Frank Lloyd Wrong. Oh. That's Clark Brothers. Send all complaints. Send all complaints. John Walker, the customer standing next to her, got into a verbal dispute in reference to the defendant farting loudly. What are you disputing? To me, you got to let the sound hit, and then you got to smell,

and if the smell hits, then you take action. If I thought someone deliberately ripped, I would be like, come on. This is a dollar store. If I am this woman, I would say to the person behind me in line, excuse me, I have to run outside and just check something real quickly. You go outside

and... Go to rip town. Yeah. Lay on your stomach and push it out. Do it. Or just like... Some tummy time right there. Or just clap really loudly. Just like you're trying to get rid of a bear or something. Get it out. Outside.

Walk around a little bit. And then come back and say thank you so much. Yeah. There are ways to handle this. I definitely think this woman did not. She wasn't about to move. What do you think she was buying? Because you can buy pretty much everything.

Right. Dish soap. A mop. Dish soap. And mop, dish soap, and a water gun, and some off-brand Cheetos. You know what always bums me out about the 99-cent store or the dollar store is that you can buy a candy bar, and it's also

99 cents, which is the normal price. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not giving me any special deal on this grand-size Snickers. It's not Cheetos, they're Cheegos. Yeah, exactly. And they're delicious. Oh, yeah're Cheegos. Yeah, exactly. And they're delicious. Oh, yeah. Cheevos.

Where was I? Okay, so the guy calls her out. At that point, Wilson allegedly pulled a small lockback knife from her purse. Whoa. I have no idea what a lockback knife is. A lockback knife is, does it? I don't know. That's a switchblade. Let's just leave it in our world of whatever we create right now.

What is a lockback knife? Lockback knife. It's a lockback knife. Oh, there we go. That's good. It's a lockback knife in my purse. No one cares for you a bit. I was going to say no one cares for you a smidge when you take your knife out for a

snitch. I don't know why I'm taking it to that place. Snitches get stitches. They also get crop dusted. John Walker yells at her. Then she takes out a lock back knife. For us. I guess maybe it's like a

pocket knife that locks. I don't know. It's a a pocket knife that locks. I don't know. It's a lock back knife. She takes it out from her purse, open the knife. Hey, everyone listening to this podcast, for the rest of your workday, we'll be singing It's a lock back knife for us. It's a lock back knife for us. What are you doing, Steven?

We're getting salads. I'm singing a song. Why don't you get into Dumb People Town? We could sing this song together. Okay, this is what happens.. I'm singing a song. Why don't you get into Dumb People Town? We could sing this song together. Okay, this is what happens. There's somebody singing this song. They happen to be in line at the 99 cent store. Someone gets mad.

Why do you keep singing this song? Someone takes out a lockback knife for us. It's a real butterfly effect in Dumb People Town. She opened the knife and told... So she pulls out her lockback knife. Smart. And opened the knife and told the victim she was going to gut him. This...

Wow. This escalated so fast. I'd be like, hey, just because you have a problem with your guts doesn't mean you need to create problems for my guts. She really needs to buy that mop. Yeah. And mop chop. And I hope the person's like, ma'am, you need to pay for the my guts. She really needs to buy that mop. That's right. And mop chop. And I hope the person's like, ma'am, you need to pay for the knife before you use it. Oh, no, this is my knife.

Oh, well, it looks like it came from here. And a bag of Friezos. While doing so, she pulled back her right hand with the knife as if she was going to attack the victim. Why doesn't the guy go to the next lane? Yeah. Agreed. Our soft checkout. At this point, I would have gone to the next lane just on the victim. Why doesn't the guy go to the next lane? Great. Our soft checkout. At this point, I would have gone to the next

lane just on the fart. Apparently your place in line is very important. This woman would not get out of line to do what she had to do. She just took her arm back. John Walker was, quote, in fear that he was going to be stabbed by the defendant.

Do you happen to know when this took place? This story was sent in November 28th, so I'd say in fear that he was going to be stabbed by the defendant. Do we have a date? Do you happen to know when this took place? This story was sent in on November 28th, so I'd say right around Thanksgiving. I was going to say, I feel like this is holiday stress. Holiday stress. John Walker needs to buy some stuff for the holidays. Maybe cranberry sauce, something that is needed. Wilson is mad for her own reasons.

This is probably a doorbuster. A dollar day door buster. A dollar day door buster. Family been on her nerves. She was about to bust down the door. Maybe she ate too much turkey. Too much turkey, fell asleep. Too much stuffing.

Tripped a fan. Also, this plays into something Jason and Randy talk to me about all the time. This does prove you never know who you're talking to. So you walk into a situation and like tell us hey knock it off you don't know she farted and came back with a lock back knife for us

she did that and you didn't no one saw that coming nobody in that line saw that coming we've talked about it we walked out of Gelson's and saw two grown men fighting one guy suplexed another guy onto the sidewalk I started walking right into this fight and saw two grown men fighting. One guy suplexed another guy onto the sidewalk. On the sidewalk, over by our guys. I started walking right into this fight.

I was like, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, do not. But I just wanted to make sure it was a fair fight. I understand, Dan, but I was like, you don't know if they've got a lockback knife in their purse. They didn't. It was a fair fight. A lot of like, a lot of, a lot of rustling. I know, but it just was.

Some rumbles and tumbles. This is like daytime. I mean, there's a fight out. A daytime fight means anything could happen in it or after it. I'd walk away. You're too valuable.

Call 911 and walk away. You're too valuable. Walker said he was in fear like I told you that he was going to be sad. She's going to gut him. After police were called, Wilson was found

by deputies in the area. That's also on her. Flew the scene. Yeah. You can't be locked back knifing on people and then just hang around. Ram, what was that English Premier League goal call of Wayne Rooney?

Oh, Rooney. Yeah, what was it? So there was an English Premier. I just, Jason and I, like when we, I think it was like 2005 or 2006, I had just gotten serious radio. And I was only listening. I didn't really know much about English Premier League soccer, but I just really was enamored with the British calls on the radio. I'd listen to it on the radio.

Sure. And there was like a, I don't know, it was like a promo for all these goals being scored. There was a guy named Wayne Rooney who played for Manchester United, a great player, scored a lot of goals. And there was a white call of his goal. His call of his goal just was like, Rudy in the area! Rudy!

So she was in the area. She was in the area. She was in the area. Rudy! Deputies found her in the area of 45 Northwest Fifth Avenue and was identified by Walker, which I don't know if he went for a ride or not. Or somebody walking down the street. Yeah, it could have been that.

Or a Walker said, walking down the street. Yeah, it could have been a walker. There's the one. Wilson was arrested and taken to the Paul rain detention facility in Pompeo beach. Her bail set at $2,500. We're going to get out of here on this. How old is Shannetta Yvette Wilson? Wilson. Shinetta Yvette.

I'm going to go with 42. You're going to go 42 years old from Kate? When I say I fought it, you say you better. Shinetta, Shinetta Yvette. Good, I like it. We've you better. Shenetta, shenetta, you bet. Good. I like it. We got a lot of good songs in this. You say you better. Okay.

So we have 42 from Kate. Jason or Randy, would you like to play this round of Guess the Age? Yes, I would love to. She's 35. 35 years old. She's rethinking some things. This is a woman who's 29. 29.

I'm going to slide the scale down a little bit. Because we know about her. She's rethinking some things. This is a woman who's 29. I'm going to slide the scale down a little bit. Because we know about her. She's shopping in the holidays. She's at the Dollar General. She carries a knife in her purse and she can't control her. Not afraid to use it. I think in your 20s you'll start a fight. Not afraid to show it. I hope she's afraid to use it. Or, I mean, okay, I

know I've already said my answer. I'm going to stick with 42. You can change it if you want. No, but, you know, when people get older, they just don't care. So maybe she's like 84. Could be. She could be. That would be the greatest. And could get away.

Yeah. So she's still in the area because she's moving slowly. Moving slow. But she's still got a knife. All right, Tanya, get your answers in right now. What kind of a knife was it, by the way? I've already forgotten. You did not.

It's a lock back knife. In did not. It's a lock back knife in her purse. It's a lock. Sorry to get that up again. Shannetta, Yvette, Wilson, with her purse knife

and her gas and Dollar General coming hard at John Walker. Fart, by the way, is a warning that a shit's coming. She said that.

I'm already worried for her cellmate. Oh, thank you. A fart is like a warning that a shit's coming. She said that. I'm already worried for her cellmate. Oh, yeah. A fart is like the horn that rings before the tornado comes. Well, that is the shot across the bow. She is 37 years old. Whoa! Kind of in between us.

Kate's two, and you're 42. I said 42. Oh, 42. 35? 35. You got it, Jay. Very nice. All right, that's what. 35. You got it, Jay. Very nice. All right.

That's what happens when you go to a dollar store. I kind of like the visual of this very much older woman. Much older. Just like, it would be fun, you know? At that point, you got to just let her go. Yeah. Is Betty White still alive? Yeah.

I bet she farts on everyone. Larry King. Oh, what was the thing about Larry King? My friend, Eric Friedman, who is the showrunner on Bizarre Bark, used to work for Larry King. Oh, what was the thing about Larry King? Our friend, Eric Friedman, who is the showrunner on Bizarre Bark, used to work for Larry King, and Larry King every day had like an audio guy. Well, before his

heart attack. Before the heart attack, he ordered General Tso's chicken from this Chinese restaurant nearby. After his heart attack, he ordered the same General Tso chicken, but he would order it and then have a PA, a production assistant or an intern, pat all the bad MSG stuff out of it in front of him. And while the guy was patting the stuff down. Our friend was patting.

Our friend Eric Freeman was patting. He said he would just sit in his chair and just rip it. A fart on the audio guy who was trying to mic him. No. Just fart all over him. And do you think he realized it? Yeah. I think it's hard to have an interview show on CNN and not realize that you're farting on people.

Yeah. It seems. He's a smart guy. It seems like he's, yes, he does. He's reached that no care age. Like, can't even say it. Doesn't care. Doesn't he have like a three-year-old baby?

Yeah. I think so. He's got such a little kid. All right. We got one story in the books. A farting knife wielding. The lockback knife thing is going to be my favorite thing. One of my favorites that we've had in a long time.

I had not seen a lockback knifester. A lot of people say, have you seen the lockback knifester? I'm really curious to know really what a lockback knife is. Please, Dan, look it up. I'll look it up. Oh, no, Brendan will put it up on the screen. We'll take a break, and we're going to look at what a lock back knife is we'll explain it

on the other side of this break Kate Micucci who's got herself and maybe this woman would have been more chill if she would have heard your Christmas song

yeah when we come back from the break we're going to play a little bit of it this is Dumb People Town Kate Micucci's with us

stay with us stick around make a sound for more Dumb People Town alright should we get into some names, Daniel? Hell yeah, we should. Let's do it.

Let's read these drip names. Tammy Geisel. Geisel. The Theodore Geisel. You know who Theodore Geisel is? No. You know who it is? No.

It is Dr. Seuss. Yeah. Oh, really? Maybe she's Dr. Seuss, but she's not an official name. I'm going to do this next one. James Royal Manon III. And you guys know him as Jim because I went to high school with him, and he hangs out with us every time that we are in Chicago.

We went to that diner, and Jim came along for that. He's a great dude. I'm going to tell you something. I've gotten the Royal Manon. Yeah. Feels good. How about Kendra Pelkey? Kendra Pelkey.

Kendra Pelkey. She holds the key to our hearts. Andrew Thomas, AT. The A-Train. Hold it down as a pillar of the community. Megan Bright, really appreciate you shining brightly. Douglas Mason. Mason.

Thank you. A jar. I just want a jar full of Douglas. Jar full of Douglas. Jill Jensen. I think it's Yiel Yensen. Yiel Yensen? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Double J. I know JJ. Don't you guys think, I mean, cheap seats. That seems like somebody you guys would have seen in one of those European weird competitions. This is Yiel Yensen. Yil Yensen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The double J. I call her JJ. Don't you guys think, I mean, cheap seats. That seems like somebody you guys would have seen in one of those European weird competitions. This is Yil Yensen. World's strongest man. No, Yil Yensen is the world's strongest woman. All right, Brian Otterer.

I know. How many vowels are in that last name? Keep going. Keep going. Two more E-R-E-Rs. I think he needs that. It's Otterer day. All right, Chad Williams.

Chad Williams. C-W if you're nasty. C-W. Dan E. Dan E. Dan E. Chad Williams. CW if you're nasty. Simple to CW. Dan E. Dan E. Dan E. Not Danny. How about this?

Dan E. Caitlin. Just plain Caitlin. Why not? And follow that up. Must be friends with? Larissa. Larissa.

That's all we need to know. She explains it all. Thank you, both of you. Johnny M. Venezia. Venezia. Venezia. Venezia. Johnny Venezia.

Johnny Venezia. If that's your last name, you better be in some sort of business where you get to name it your last name. You better be tossing pizza. Johnny Venezia makes awnings. Johnny Venezia makes awnings, and he also makes Venezia blinds. Margaret Kate Grigsby. You have to do that with a British accent. Margaret Kate Grigsby.

Kate Grigsby. Grigsby. Pawned myself alone in that afternoon a British accent. Margaret Cate Grigsby. Cate Grigsby. Grigsby. I found myself alone in that afternoon. Austin Palmer. Austin Palmer. I always order an Austin Palmer, which I love. What would an Austin Palmer be? It's just beer.

Tito's Vodka. And lemonade. And lemonade. Yeah. And Austin. That's probably. Dude, let's make the Austin Palmer a drink. An Austin Palmer is lemonade and specifically Tito's Vodka.

And there is a severed fingertip in it that you have to kiss. You have to kiss the drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about this next one? Mab. Mab. M-A-B. M-A-B.

Why you Mab, bro? You Mab, bro? You Mab, bro? Yes, I am. You Mab Dro? How about Robin Holmquist? That's a great name. That's a great name.

Lorraine? We'll get out of here with this. On another pillar of the community. This is a killer last name. Schweick Hard. Schweick Hard. Schweickhard. Schweickhard. Schweickhard. Schweickhard.

She Schweicks hard and she plays hard. Thank you, guys. Go to a store. This support, by the way, before we get into the store, I just want to say this. The support you guys give this show and that you're also giving back to Jan Flato does not go unrecognized. Hell no. Does not go underappreciated. Lorraine Schweickhard and Andrew Thomas really, really appreciate it.

I know that you guys get something out of it when you get the extra stories or when you get your merch and your stuff like that, but being able to see you guys, whether that's at a meet and greet for some of you pillars

and city councils and stuff like that, but whether it's at a meet and greet or it's literally just seeing you at a show when you come out and hang out, that's when we get something. I love it.

I love that you guys are here. All right, let's jump into a story. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Done People Town. We just saw a picture of a lockback knife and it's essentially like a switchblade. It's a folding pocket knife. It's a folding...

But I think it has a lock on the handle. Yeah. Right. And then you press two buttons together on both sides and that releases it and you can swing it back and forth. I had one of those when I was a kid, but it was a comb, you know? Oh, heck yeah.

Me too. Yeah, they were so cool. I thought it was so cool. How often was a comb, you know? Oh, heck yeah, me too. Yeah, they were so cool. How often did you comb your hair? You got good hair. I mean, it was like the tiniest little comb, and I have very thick hair, so it really didn't work for me. But it looked cool, and it seemed like something that Indiana Jones would have or something. Yeah, to flip it out like that. Indiana Jones is barber.

Yeah, would have that. Totally. Well, as we start to careen into the holidays, and the holidays are coming up, and I hope everybody has a good holidays, you have put out a Christmas song. Can you please tell us a little bit about it? I have, and I would gladly. Thank you. Have you ever done a Christmas song before?

Well, Ricky and I have a bunch of Christmas songs. Like, a bunch, probably like five or so. That's a bunch. That's a bunch. Yeah, a handful. But yeah, last year at this time, like a week before Christmas, I got my wisdom teeth taken out and I had five. So I had a little extra mini one that was way up there.

Dry sockets, dry sockets. I didn't get them. Thank goodness. But I was really called dry stockings around the holiday. Dry sockets. But yeah, I lucked out and not getting those, but I was really diligent about doing all the stuff you're supposed to do, you know. But I did, well, they did hit a nerve.

My tongue is messed up still. Oh, my God. Aye, aye, aye. Yeah. I'm just glad I can talk, you know, because, like, they could have been. Or sing. Or sing. Yeah, like, that would have been, like, I don't know what I would do then.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be doing more drawings. Yeah. But I think it was just. Sound theater. Yeah. I'd be doing more drawings. Sound theater.

Yeah. But I had a lot of drugs in my system because of the painkillers. And I don't even know what I was taking, but I just know that I would feel it hit the back of my legs. And I was like, yeah. It was real strong stuff. I took Dilaudid once in a hospital, and I described it to someone as somebody turning on a shower inside of your body.

A warm shower. Yeah, nice. Feels good. Yeah. Be careful out there, everybody. I know. Be careful. Be careful. Don't. Only use it if you need it.

Yeah, that's right. I want to hear this song. Oh, yeah. So I was going to say I wrote it while I was super high on these painkillers. And that's why it's one of the weirdest things I've ever written. It's too low for me to sing. and that's why it's one of the weirdest things I've ever written

it's too low for me to sing but I just tried you know in recording it tried to capture the magic of the time when my teeth were out

I love it what a great and what a great time all I want it's just like an answer song to all I want

for Christmas are my two front teeth this is the response this is the response song the 2018 and what's it called again it's called

you got a bike yeah you got a bike I feel like it's a real it's one that I don't want to like you know pat myself on the back we'll do it it's one that i swear you won't get out of your head once you hear it okay is it is it lock back knife it's it's there's no way we can compete with lock back let's play a little bit of it while we have and then we'll make people go get it go get it it's It's available now on iTunes, correct? iTunes, Spotify, anywhere you can get some music. I even have a lyric

video up on YouTube if you want to sing along with your friends and family by the fire. You gotta bike. You gotta bike. You gotta bike! Alright, here we go. Look around my house this time of year Presents on the piano, it's that holiday cheer Like a candle that smells like a tree How they get that pine in there It's so Christmassy

Got a lot of things in my life that's good Like a place to get spaghetti in my neighborhood Got a lot of love and a lot of friends Want a carol at the grove with me? Well that depends every day Christmas is near We get the love inside our hearts. This time of year, I got a robot.

I love it. Oh, my God. The bike part comes later. I love it. We'll make, if you want to hear the rest of that song, you got to go pick it up on iTunes. Get on your Apple Music. Go look at the video with the lyrics on YouTube. Yeah, I think as of yesterday, 49 people have watched that.

Hey, we're going to change that. We're about to change it up. I love it. It is so funny and it's so good, and now knowing the story behind it is even better. I love the sound. It's really good. It's only four chords over and over again in a row,

and somehow it's one that just will be on a loop in your brain. It sounds like a Carole King song. Well, yeah, it's been described as Biz Markie meets Carole King. Biz Markie. Yeah, I like it. Basically, I just was like, I'm not going to worry about hitting those notes. No, I think it's great. I think it's awesome.

Again, you got a bike. Check it out. Thanks, guys. Let's jump into another story, shall we? Yes. Let's do it. Okay. Ready?

Yeah, yeah. This was sent in by Meg Burr, B-Y-R, at Meg Burr. I tried. Pardon me. Are you Megan Burr, sir? I don't know. All right, ready? A Dutch positivity trainer.

That's in quotes. A Dutch? That's not true. Is he? I don't know. Is she? A Dutch positivity trainer. That's in quotes. Is he? Is she? A Dutch positivity trainer. What's a positive? Oh, okay. So they're Dutch and they're like trying to make people positive.

Or when you go out to dinner as couples with another couple and you agree to share the bill, here's someone coming along to help you feel positive about that choice. Yep, yep. I like it. Or it's someone coming along to help you feel positive about that choice. Yep. Yep. I like it.

Or it's someone who is a trainer. Maybe people who are Dutch, people from Holland have like a complex about themselves and he is just there or she is just there to help make them all feel better. Just the Dutch. That's what I think it is, Randy. Well, no, I think it's a Dutch person who is a positivity trainer. But what were you going to say? Have you guys been to Dutch Wonderland in Pennsylvania? No. It's the trainer that like shows you how to say? Have you guys been to Dutch Wonderland in Pennsylvania? No.

It's the trainer that shows you how to be like a Walmart greeter. But no, it's at Dutch Wonderland. Well, this Dutch positivity trainer, whatever that means in quotes, has launched a legal battle to change his age and boost his dating prospects. I saw this. I know. I don't know all the details, but I saw this. Well, if you play any games, you better bow out on the honor system.

If you know it. I kind of know it. So I'll have to bow out. Emil Rattleband. This is why I don't want you guys to read him. What's his name? You just send him. If you like the headline, send it.

Emil Rattleband. A real Emil Rattleband. I didn't send it to you, Dan. I just saw it somewhere. Rattleband is one of you guys sent it to me. Rattleband. Rattleband sounds like a great band from the 70s. Rattle Band is a punk band

that just never wore shoes. I feel like if you have that last name, you have to have a band. I feel like finding band names, it's a very difficult thing to do. Rattle Band. And he was like, he was born with it.

He was born with it. Were you guys something else before Garfunkel Notes? There were so many dumb names. Come on, let's card them out. Give me a couple of the dumb names. Only one I remember. No, you remember one to one.

I actually don't. I remember 3-2-1 Mezzanine, which was an inside joke that Ricky had that's so bad. Phenomenal. And I think actually on YouTube, one of our songs was named, or was under that name for a second. Oh, really? 3-2-1 Mezzanine. 3-2-1 Mezzanine.

And then I had to really be convinced of Garfunkel. And it was Ricky knew it was a great name. And I was like, I think it's confusing. It seems very long. But I'm really glad. It's really good. It's really good. Yeah.

I've learned to just trust Ricky. With whatever she wants to do. After 321 Mezzanine, you gotta trust her. Emily Rattleband. Is it Emily or Emil? It's Emil Rattleband. He wants to shift his birthday. Can you do this?

Right. Can you do this? And. Can you do this? And is comparing the change to identifying as being transgender. No, you cannot. I don't think so. You're trivializing a lot. It's an easier way. I mean, would you have to legally, couldn't you just lie about your age?

You could lie. Quote, we live in a time when you can change your name and change your gender. Why can't I decide my own age see now this feels like a guy who's going after people who are changing his gender he's not doing that okay but it's literally it's only about him why can't white white dude in the south why can't we celebrate our culture only white there is the amount of time you've been on this earth and there isn't the amount of time yeah it's pretty clear earth and there isn't the amount of time. Yeah, it's pretty clear cut. An age isn't.

But he's really doing it for dating purposes, right? Yeah, I'm going to list all the reasons why. But I literally thought today. You just immediately went to the dating app of it all. Well, no, he says it. It's a fascinating process. I have a friend, a really good friend of mine, who when she was 34, she started lying about her age and she made herself 33. And I was like, what's the difference?

One year. But in her mind, she felt better about 33. Yeah. But to me, like, I was just thinking about this today for some reason. Like when you hear a guy say, I'm sure women can say the same thing. I was just picturing a guy being like, I'm 40 years old, man. And I'm always like, I wanted to like dig into that comment of like, when somebody is like, I got to stop. I can't keep doing this shit. I'm 40 years old. I want to dig into that and of like when somebody's like i gotta stop i can't keep doing this shit i'm 40 years old i want to dig into that and be like why because then they'll be like well because at 40 i shouldn't be doing blank and then i would go says who says and i would say back to that person wait till you're 47 and then you won't be able to do it right you physically won't and then you'll you won't be saying it just i feel like what what they're really saying in that somebody's saying that comment whether whether it's a woman saying,

I'm 34 or whatever, the full sentence is, I feel like social norms are projecting on me things I should or should not be doing by this time, regardless of how I feel about them positively or negatively. That's the full thing. When really it's like, who gives a shit? If you're 37,

you should be allowed to carry a lockback knife and fart in public. Oh, I mean, obviously. At the 99 cents. Yeah, we established that. Thank you. Well, no, but I'm not going to name this person's name, but there was an actor who, and I'm not going to say man or woman.

Okay. Actor we went to college with who this person, they were in college when we were in college. So I know how old I am. And they graduated at the same time we did. If you check their IMDB thing, they're saying many years younger than us. Really?

Multiple years. And I'm like, how do I respond to that? I know that's not true. I say more power to him because it's really hard to do. I mean, I've not tried it, but somehow, I don't know how my age ended up on IMDb, and you're like, oh, well, now it's out there. Like, my birthday is there, but for the people who were able to get away with it and get ahead of it.

Snuck it in. You know? Good for them. Good job. Good for you. So you're saying this guy, good for you. If you can pull this off, do it. It's kind of crazy, though.

Well, it's one or two years is one thing right if you want to start what's this guy doing 20 years I don't know maybe we'll guess well here's the other thing

like he's making a really big deal of it so it's like you know so the other thing that happens if you're on a dating app is then you're going to

google the person you're going on a date with and the first thing you're going to find is this story about this person google it google rattleband

you'll know he's 69 years old is he 69 he's 69 years old. Is he 69? He's 69 years old, and he wants to shift his birthday comparing it to identifying as being transgender. Okay, fair. Not trivializing their fight at all. A local court in the eastern city of Arnhem is expected to rule on the case within four weeks. However, officials were skeptical about the case, believing that there was no legal mechanism allowing a person to change their birth date.

One of the judges wanted to know what would become of the years that Mr. Rattleband wanted to erase. Who were your parents looking after then? Who was that little boy? Well, who said those are the years he wants to get rid of? Maybe he's like, I want to get rid of 20, get rid of 18, 24, 29, 34, 37, 41 through 44. Yep. Oh, you pick the year? They don't have to run in succession?

I want to pick the years that I get rid of. I had a horrible year in 30. You've all had bad years. 38 was a bad year for me. You call up an ex and be like, hey, I just want to, you know, we've actually never dated. So if you want to give this another go. Or how about just wiping out middle school? I would like to do that.

There you go. I'm vacating all my wins from that year. Wait, I have a question. This guy is the Dutch positivity guy? Yep. Emil Rattleman. All right. Already his job is very, I don't know.

What is his message? His message is don't believe in yourself. For some of the years. Yeah. Mr. Rattleman argues he feels discriminated against because of his age and that it was affecting his employment chances and his success rate on the dating app Tinder. But he's employed as a Dutch positivity trainer. I know. He also just, let's get it out there.

He just wants to get laid and he just wants to have sex with young women. How many years do you think this 69-year-old man wants to shave off his life and be re-aged? I think I have. You are a guest, Kate. I know you went first last time, but I want you to know you have the option to go first. He's 69, you said? Yeah. You can go first.

I'm going to say he's going to go for like in his 40s. Okay. Pick a day. Pick one. 45. Okay, 45. 24 years he'd be shaving off there. Randy or Jay?

I think I have to recuse myself because I remember somewhat what it is. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty. I think he took 19 years off and said 50. Oh, he's at 50 now. He's a 50-year-old man. He's like, I'm a 50-year-old guy. Okay.

Because isn't there like a 10-year swing? So you can date a girl who's 40 if you're 50. I also think, though, that with guys, I mean, I've seen, like, many times, I've seen much older men. Especially in L.A. I was just thinking about it. I was at this restaurant in Beverly Hills, and it was two different tables, and I couldn't believe the age difference of these people on dates. That wasn't their daughter? It didn't seem like it.

They were holding hands and kissing but it was his daughter. If they're both happy then great. But it just did strike me as a little bit odd. But I think that girls will date any age really is what I'm saying. Because girls want a sense of humor.

That's right. Or money. When you said humor, you meant money. Emma Ill, Rattle Band. Good chances in town. You play along with us. Dan, did you start to choke up on his name? Oh, I feel for him. Yeah, man. Rattle Band.

I've never been on Tinder in my life, but I'm sure it's not easy, especially when you're 69. Did I get enough credit for my joke last week, but I'm sure it's not easy, especially when you're 69. Did I get enough credit for my joke last week? Kid Tinder, calling it Kinder? Yes. That was phenomenal. It's a good joke.

Thanks. Is 69 and wants to shave off 20 years. Whoa. Yeah. You were right on the head earlier when you just said maybe 20 years. So 49. 49. He wants to be in his was 40 for one year. Yeah, but I think 40, this is the discussion you and your friend had.

So if he does 19 years, you're like, what's one year? No. 49 is different. It's a different ballgame. He said, when I'm 69, I am limited. If I'm 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work. So maybe that's like insurance stuff and loans.

They won't give him a loan for a house. No, I think it's maybe. I think it's that he feels like no one will hire him as a positivity coach if he's 69. But then he'll still drive a different car and buy a house. Well, he doesn't want to drive an old person car. It's like, well, you want to get in the Buick? Or do you want to get in... And he's come to Southern California.

There's a lot of old dudes. Yeah, I think he just needs to move to Beverly Hills. He'll find a lot of hope in just going out deep. Say hope or hose. Either one. Both. Either one. Mr. Rattleband further argued that according to his doctors,

he has the body of a, you must have felt it, Kate, 45-year-old. But he's not, he's like, you know, the doctors are saying 45. I was like, body of a 45-year-old, that's like the beginning of when you're like, don't give a shit anymore. So he's hoping he's on a date and some girl's like, wow, your body is like, I would think

you're 45. He's like, I'm 49. Wow. Hello. He described himself as, quote, a young God. Told you. This is all about him. He's not trying to. A young God. I don't like.

I already don't like him. I don't like anything about him. He went on Facebook last year to describe how he made the decision one day standing in front of a mirror. I mean, if you're going to call yourself a young God, you're probably in a mirror a lot. A lot. Not because he feared getting old because he wanted to make the most of life

for as long as possible that I don't mind you're not getting an extra 20 years on your life but maybe maybe this would be

a good chance to try it out because maybe he would live really long you know if he if the universe doesn't know how old you are you don't die

dude I trick god I totally trick God. I'd totally trick. Trick old God. If he lives another 21 years, okay, and then dies at 80, or in his years at 70. I'm sorry, 90. Right, 90, or in his years, 70. 70, yeah. He wants everyone to say he went too young.

Yeah, that's what he's going for he definitely died too young he's going for that too young funeral he wants a lot of people at the funeral right because once you start

getting up to 90 it's like maybe like 8 or 9 people he wants more of the tragic feeling yeah I get that went too soon he said he would

renounce his pension if he switched his birthday so he's willing to put it on the line. Wow, to give up his pension. Yes. Yeah, I'll give it up if I'm 49.

Can I say this? He's going full 49. I want you to know this. With every fiber of my being, I do not like this person. Mr. Randall Band. But I will also say this. Anyone who has the energy or time to want to fight this at all, I hate that person even more. Just let him do it.

Why does it matter to you? I agree with that too. What's the slippery slope argument of this thing? Is it like, well, he's going to make himself 49 and then we're all going to start having sex with dogs. I could see if they said, wait, if we make you 49 and you keep taking your pension, you're going to take it longer than the average statistics

say that you would. And he's saying, fine, take it away. Take it away. So he's like, whatever your problem is. When you called him Mr. Rattleband in my brain, I could not stop singing. I'm just a singer in a rattleband. Either that or I could not stop singing Mr. Rattleband to the tune of Hey Macarena.

We're not doing that to people. Was 69, but it's now 49.. It was 69 but it's now 49. It was 69 but it's now 49. It was 69 but it's now 49. Hey, Mr. Rattleband. Okay. That's on all three of you. That's on all of us.

We took that on a level that Kate felt comfortable singing in that key. Yeah, the lower the better. We put it in a good octave for her. Mr singing in that key. Yeah. The lower the better, you know what I mean? We put it in a good octave for her. Mr. Rattleband. Mr. Rattleband. A media personality and motivational guru converted to Buddhism. Buddhism?

I said it that way. Buddhism. B-O-T. Well, it was Buddha-ism, but then he got 20 years younger, and now it's Buddhism. Buddhism. Earlier this year, and is a trainer in neuro-linguistic programming. This is the last sentence in this story. Everything he's into.

And by the way, if you are into that stuff, I think it's great. Fine. Bullshit. Do you think that he believes that plants can feel? Definitely. There was a time that I was at a hotel with my wife and we were very high. And I said, she came up with the idea, which already exists, of Shazam for plants. Where you put your phone up to a plant.

You know how you can Shazam a song. Oh, and you find out what it is. You're like, what is this plant? That's awesome. Right? But it already exists. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Shazam a song. Oh, and you find out what it is. You're like, what is this plan? And it's just a picture of it. Right? But it already exists. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Mr. Rattleband.

Yes, please. I hope he lives up to what's in your heart. If you want to see what he looks like, join the Facebook page. Who is listening to this show and not join the Facebook page?

How do we get 100,000 downloads plus on these shows? I think we get a lot of creepers. We get a lot of... It takes one second to join the Facebook page. They go and look at it,

but then they don't join up. Join the Facebook page. Follow it or like it. If you look at a picture on the Facebook page, you owe it to us to follow it or like it. You know what? He looks like he's 46. Just kidding. How much would that piss him off?

He's a handsome guy. He is a handsome guy. I like his facial hair. I would be like, you look 50. I would really push it hard for him. He doesn't want to be 70. He wants 20 years. Dan, what do you think he looks like, for real?

Just look at him. For real, he looks like he's- He looks like a Brian Cox character. He looks like a stand-in for- 63. Right? He's 63. Yeah.

He looks like seven or eight years younger than- 69. I mean, we- Yeah. Yes. I mean, if we shaved, Rand, we'd stand in our beards. The show's succession. Yeah.

If we shaved. Kate, you look the same. We've known you now for like 15 years. Yeah, probably 15 years. You look exactly the same. You have not aged at all. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, it's, I don't know about that.

You've gone 15 years and you just haven't aged 15 years. That's, I, well, thank you for saying that. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, I still see it. If we were to shave off our beards, and I have a little bit of gray in my beard, but if I were to shave off and be clean, and I did it recently, clean shaven, I can shave off like 12 or 13 years. You look so young.

I look like a kid. I have such a baby face. Dan, you do. Yes. We all look. So we have that. This guy kind of has it. Why is he pushing so much hard for more?

I don't know. He's getting greedy. What if we just all do it too? Let's all go lower. Everybody gets 20 years. Yeah, or 10. I think as you're younger, you go 10. And then as you get older, you can do 20.

We start telling people we're at 37. Yeah, you can totally do that. I'm about to be 37. Look, when he goes low, we go lower. The other thing, too, when you're in the public eye, when you're a personality, your public persona has an age that isn't really you. That's a very interesting point. And so, like, if you took the average person walking around in any major center and, like, how old is Matt Damon? They'd be, like, 38.

Right. They'd understand that he's, like, 50. Yeah, yeah. The persona has an age. So we kind of, like'd be like 38. Right. They'd understand that he's like 50. Yeah, yeah. The persona has an age. So we kind of like benefit from that. Or how old is George Clooney? If someone asked you,

you'd be like, he's like 42, 48, 46. Yeah, he's like 53. He's like 50, no, he's like older than that. 56. You know who I'm amazed by

is Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yeah, same thing. I actually saw him in that same restaurant that I was referencing earlier that I saw the older gentleman. The six-year-old girl. And he looks 20. Yeah. It's really, really crazy. I actually saw him in that same restaurant that I was referencing earlier that I saw the older gentleman. The six-year-old girl.

And he looks 20. It's really, really crazy. He is. Well, no, but it's one of those things. So your persona has an age. Yeah, but because. Which could usually be much younger. Because the movies, the Bourne movies, the Bourne Identity and whatever and all those.

When he was in Invictus, he was playing like a 24-year-old. That was six years ago. Right. And so what I'm saying is like those, whatever the movies are, they are a snapshot in time. Sure. And they very much preserve who you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I think like athletes who are just gifted by, they have some gift.

Like you think of LeBron James. Yes, he's an unbelievably talented person with drive and all that other stuff. But he has physical gifts that you and I don't have. He is a very tall guy who his body is proportioned perfectly, and he has the ability to jump out of a room. Okay. Like these guys, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, all these guys have this gift of youthful. But I guarantee you if you took the average Sklar fan and said,

how old do you think the Sklars are? They would probably be like 39, 48. Yeah, yeah. And then there's also the mystery of

the human growth hormone. Right. Yeah, that we're all taking. Here's the last sentence in this story. Mr. Rattleband, and just throw this in

apropos of nothing. Mr. Rattleband. Stop. Aight. Aight. He voiced the character of Vladimir Trunkov Mr. Rattleband, and just throw this in apropos of nothing. Hey, Mr. Rattleband. Stop. Aight. Aight. He voiced the character of Vladimir Trunkov in the Dutch language version of the Pixar film Cars 2. Stop!

I love this guy! Trunk-off. I mean, he's into everything. Trunk-off. I mean, if you can't get laid on being in Pixar. You know who Victor Trunkov is. I know exactly who that character is. Of course you do. I know that dumb movie that I saw so many times.

Well, you watch the Dutch language version, you're going to get some Rattleband in your life. I've probably seen that, too. 69 to 49. Hey, Mr. Rattleband. Okay, guys. There you go. Story two down in the books. What are we doing in story three?

Can you give us a little teaser, Dan? We have a... I want to save it. Save it. All right, save it. Kate McCooch is with us. Hey, if you haven't gotten her between now and the time we played it

and now, her Christmas song. Go get it. You got a bike, which I can't not say in like a New York accent. You got a bike. You got a bike. You got a bike. Go get it.

You got a bike. Go get it on... Or look at it on YouTube. Let's raise the views. No, let's have them get it. You got a bike. Go get it on, or look at it on YouTube. Let's raise the views. Raise the views. Buy it and then watch it on YouTube. Just sing along with your family. Once you get it, you'll have it forever. Alright, we'll take a break. One more story to go on Dumb People Town with Kate

McCoochie. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Big news is that we are going to be doing this show live in San Francisco as part of Sketch Fest. January 11th, that's a Friday night. For the first time at Sketch Fest, we got a nighttime slot. A 10.30 slot with Ron Funchess as our guest.

It's going to be fun. There might be another great, secret, amazing guest on the show. And I'm just going to say this. It is our birthday after midnight. We'll roll into that birthday. Randy and I are turning 37. We're turning 47. We're identifying as 27.

As 27, which is what Rattleband was trying to do. He was trying to get us to do. But we, which is what Rattleband was trying to do. Uh-huh. Well, he was trying to get us to do. Uh-huh. But it is a, we want to sell that room out. Cobbs is a very large club. I know there are a lot of people who are coming.

it's a Friday night at 1030. I mean, we usually do a sketch fest in the afternoon and it's like 200 people. Celebrate the birthday with us and let's get dumb together. There's that.

And then Jay and I are doing Flapper's Comedy Club. We're doing it in Burbank, which is a great comedy club and we'd love to see you guys out there on December 20th, which is a, what is that,

a Thursday? Yes, it is. It is a Thursday. So would that have been the Thursday before this show came out? Nope. Nope. It'll drop next week.

It'll drop next week. So the show- Oh, that's right. In two nights. In two nights. You get your tickets in Burbank. Hey, come see us. Come see us.

Do that. I think we've sold like eight tickets. All right, here we go. Ready for the last story? Yeah. All right. A Branson man. I mean.

It's our state. That's how you introduce. Branson man. If it's Yakov Smirnoff, I will walk out of this. A Branson man tried to go all out on his Halloween candy this year. Unfortunately, according to police, he did not pay for any of it. What do you mean? You can't steal Halloween candy.

Oh, he stole it from a store? He was just taking pillowcases one at a time. No, I don't know. Oh. Were you guys pillowcases when you would get your candy as a kid? We had some pillowcases. Dan, for real, I want to ask you for real.

I want to ask everyone in this room. Ask me for real. How many full-size candy bars of your favorite candy bar do you think you could eat? Like in right now. First of all, what is your favorite candy bar of all time? I think it's got to be Snickers. Okay.

That's what I was going to go with. Yeah. I feel like she backed into that. Not king size. I'm just saying regular full-size Snickers bars. I'd love a Fifth Avenue too. Okay. But I'm asking her.

I'm all Milky Way. How many Snickers bars do you think you could eat in one sitting, like if you hadn't eaten for hours in advance, before you just throw in the towel? Two. Okay. That's why you're small. Two, I feel like I'd feel not well, but I could do two.

Randy, have you already been asked this question? No, I mean, I'm a Milky Way guy, or I do love the nougat of a Three Musketeer. So either or. I probably could eat three of them, four of them, maybe five of them. Whoa. Four, and I think I'd be like, that's it. I'm going to die.

I used to say Hershey almonds. Oh, interesting. But the milk chocolate doesn't. I like more of a dark chocolate now. Really? Would you like a dark special? I love dark chocolate. I like the sea salt.

I love a dark special. Oh, you like the fancy. You like the expensive chocolate. Do you eat black licorice too, Dan? No, but Rosemary Van Kirk loves it. Your grandmother loves it. Occasionally, I like a good black licorice. Really?

I can't get on board. No, I can't get on board either. I'm not even a Fernet fan. Okay. But see, I like... I would probably go Snickers as well. Yeah. How many, Dan?

For real, Dan. Straight up Snickers, I'd probably three before I'm like, all right, that's it. Now, if we're talking ice cream frozen Snickers, six.

There's something about the creaminess of the milk and the ice cream that allows you to just handle it. It's not as dense. It's like absorbing it a little bit. I would say I'm a Mr. Goodbar fan, which essentially is basically the Hershey's with almonds, but obviously not almonds. It's peanuts.

I think I could do – I mean, my favorite thing is peanut M&Ms. So if you're acquainting that to a candy bar. Well peanut M&M's. So if you're equating that. Me too, actually. If you're equating that to a candy bar. Well, mine's Reese's Pieces if we're getting into it. But if it's candy bar, I think I could do Mr. Good Bar and I think I could do five. That's it. I would be done.

Wow. You're rolling off the couch. Yeah, I mean, are you just limp for the next three years? Also, Trader Joe's has dark chocolate covered, and I can eat an entire tin of those. Trader Joe's also has chocolate-covered, peanut-butter-filled pretzels. Milk chocolate. Stop.

It's stupid. It's wrong. It needs to stop. It looks all healthy, but it's not. It's not. It doesn't look healthy at all. Chocolate-covered, peanut-butter-filled pretzels are surprisingly not healthy.

It's, yeah. It's shockingly not healthy. All right, tell us about this dumbass thing. Here we go. A Branson man tried to go out on his Halloween candy this year. Unfortunately, according to police, he didn't pay for it. Victor Eli Abel, I mean, just pick a first name. That is biblical right there.

Victor Eli Abel. Is accused of trying to steal more than $1,500 worth of Halloween candy from Walmart just three days before Halloween. You know what? I don't like that. You do it a day after Halloween. Because then they don't even care. They're like, take it. They're like, we need to get rid of it.

It's like a mattress outside. You could probably go out in the back of Walmart and get $1,500. His name could also be Victory Liable. Yeah, you're right. Which, Victory Liable sounds like the male TV show on Disney that was the counterpart to Kim Possible.

Yes! Victor Reliable. According to a probable cause statement from the Branson Police Department on October 28th, Abel loaded candy into a shopping cart and pushed it out the front doors without paying for it. The report stated he left the store with the candy and attempted to load it in the back of his vehicle. The report said he was stopped by Walmart associates before, I guess that means they wear suits, before he could load the candy.

I mean, load the candy and a shopping cart. The report said when a police officer talked to Abel near the scene, he admitted to taking the candy, but also said he paid for it. That's a great defense. I paid for it. What are you talking about? All these things that are loose and don't have a bag nor a also said he paid for it. That's a great defense. I paid for it. What are you talking about? All these things that are loose and don't have a bag nor a receipt, I paid for them. He also told the officer,

quote, that he owned all the Walmart stores and that the employees were supposed to put the candy on his bill. Do you think that maybe he might have taken some kind of substance or something? I don't know. I double-checked into that. None of that stuff has been there. I think he just was really bad at lying.

Wow. Oh, me? I own all the Walmart stars. I said, put it on my tab. Yeah, you know, that tab. The only tab you have at a Walmart is layaway. That's it. And you don't even get the product. I'll pay for a third of this. Don't I look like the guy who owns Walmart? Oh, these cut-off jeans and flip-flops? Does layaway still happen?

Yeah, it does. It was pretty big in my youth. For sure. I'll pay for one third of it. Isn't Renne Center still layaway still happen? Yeah, it does. It was pretty big in my youth. For sure. I'll pay for one third of it. Isn't rent a center of layaway? Sort of, yeah. The report said that Abel has a criminal history consisting of prior charges of stealing, fraud, and tampering. So this is not his first Walmart

event. So he's been working up these lies. The report said officials were able to provide... But by the way, I also think we're in a time right now where there is no truth. Oh, true. I was going to say true. It's been obliterated. You want to be 49? Go for it. Yeah, you want to be 49 in your 60s?

That's what this episode is about. The truth is what the people you deal with every day believe you said. Me? I'm the owner of a woman. Did I fart? I feel like we're unlocking something really big right now. Like, more than we can really handle at the moment. I mean, look, one thing I'm happy now we're not unlocking is a lockback knife. In the purse. It's a lockback knife in the purse.

The report said the officials were able to provide... Yes, now I'm on board. Thank you. Evidence of Abel leaving without paying for the candy. He's charged with felony first-degree burglary. As of press time, he was in the custody of the Taney County Jail in lieu of a $25,000 bond. According to online court records,

he's waiting for a public defender to be appointed to his case. I'm going to ask you guys, what do you think is the Walmart store dollar value of the amount of candy he tried to steal? Did you say $1,500? I don't think so. I think you said that somewhere. I said his bail was set at $25,000.

No, earlier in the story, I think you said he tried to push $1,500. Oh, you're right. I did, but I skipped the exact amount, which is $1,537.48. Do you want to guess how old he is? Yes. Okay, let's play a round of Guess the Agey. How old do you think Victor Eli Abel is? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. First of all, his name is Victor. Uh-huh. Think about that. How many young kids do you know named Victor?

Yeah, but I feel like sometimes that just doesn't matter. Okay. I'm going to go with 22. Wasn't Victor the name of Rabble Band's... Rabble Band? Of the car that he's voiced in Cars 2? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Victor Trunkoff. Whoa. This is really a web, guys. It's aoff. This is crazy, man. It's a web, guys. It's a web. This is like the beginning of Magnolia. All right, Jason or Randy, how old? Kate says 22.

I think he's 51. 51 from Randy Sklar. Yeah, because he felt like I could tell people that I own Walmart, and one police officer would be like, maybe. Okay. This is a guy who is 62. Uh-huh. He was married to someone.

Kate said 22. He was married to someone for 40 years. She told him he could never have candy. You're not allowed to have candy. So now I'm going to hang out with you while I watch you get fat. So as he's loading it into his car, he says, going to tell me. I can't get fat. As he's loading it into his car, he says, going to tell me I can't get candy. So he has finally left this woman, and he is...

All bets are off. All bets are off. He's not thinking with his head. He's limitless. Like the show and the movie? No. Okay. He's limitless like the show Shameless.

V-E-A, Victor Eli Abel, or Victory Abel, is 33 years old. Oh! I thought you'd get it when you said he was going biblical. That should have gone biblical. Oh, my God. That's what Jesus was when he died. Those are three stories, friends. There you go.

This is a very interconnected show. This is like the Magnolia of shows. It's all about what is truth, what is not truth about lockback knives in your purse, about Mr. Rabble Band. We came up with so much good music today. That's because we had a musical guest. Is that really why this isn't normally? No, we don't.

Oh, well, I'm glad. I feel like you inspired us to be more musical. You brought us energy. You should be a positive energy trainer. No, I'm thinking about changing my age. You are? You should.

Whatever you want, Kate. I'm going to try to go back to 16. Oh, you should. That's going to be harder. That's going to be harder. Hey, at 16, you got to bike. I'm looking for colleges.

You got to bike. You got to bike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to bike. I love that song. I love it. And happy holidays, everybody. We'll see you at Flappers

in two nights. Follow Kate Micucci. Followable on the Twitters and on the Instagrams. Yep, just my name. Kate Micucci, but spell it just so people know. Sure. Kate, K-A-T-E, M-I-C-U-C-C-I. M-I-C-U-C-C-I.

Sounds like, you know, Mississippi. Right. Okay, guys. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work.